Girls (2012–2017): Season 4, Episode 10 - Home Birth - full transcript
Hannah, Adam and Jessa try to convince Caroline and Laird to forgo their planned home birth.
- (chatter)
- (traffic blaring)
(sirens wailing in distance)
(exhales)
(breathing heavily)
You okay?
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Oh, man.
I can still breathe, so I don't
know if it counts as a panic attack
if I can still breathe,
but my heart is really...
maybe slowed down.
Are the kids still in there?
In the classroom where you left them? Yeah.
Great, great.
Apparently Ashanti brought a
gerbil to school in her pocket
and crushed its brain,
so they've moved on to
bigger and better things.
Is that something that happens a lot?
There's just been a lot going
on lately with my... family.
Yeah.
My dad decided that he's, um...
well, I don't know if he
decided, he just figured...
he's not...
You know what? Don't need to tell me.
Okay.
I'm gonna go back up there in a second.
I just need to breathe a little
and then I'm gonna be ready to rock.
Everything's under control up there.
You take as much time as you need.
Is this okay?
Shoshanna: So I was really inspired
by working on his campaign
and, you know, seeing
all of the change
that he's already been able
to make in his neighborhood
regarding the traffic lights.
It reinvigorated my job
search, so here I am.
And I don't think that I need
to overplay my résumé, you know?
It's not exhaustive, but I have really
stuck with the jobs that I've had
and I am incredibly educated about
the current corporate climate
and also what marketing
means in the digital age.
Well, I think you just really
hit the nail on the head.
I mean, that's the company ethos,
and we want employees who understand
the lifestyle and the message,
so I think there is a position
you'd be perfect for.
- It involves marketing...
- A passion area.
- ...and social media...
- Okay, also, like, a joy of mine.
...and acting as a liaison between
our Japanese brand leadership
and our American sales team.
Amazing.
Um, but how would you feel
about relocating to Tokyo?
At least for the time being.
Um... me?
Yeah, you.
Tokyo.
It's the coolest.
We have a great team of
expats working in Tokyo,
and they've all found the
city hijo ni subarashii,
which means "very nice" in Japanese.
Japanese is super easy to get the hang of.
It's just, like, four sounds
that you kind of, like,
loop around and put together.
It's like, "hi," and then like, "jo."
Um, so, like, how frequently do you go...
travel to Japan?
I have not been.
But I get a lot of visual
aids from the Internet
and I have Skyped with people in Tokyo.
I'll go, like, "Hi!"
And they will do "Hi!" back.
Um, can... is, uh... is it possible
to think about it just for a moment?
Totally. Think about it.
I probably need to know
by Wednesday, probably.
- Okay.
- Okay?
To be completely frank,
Lydia, who is currently
holding the position,
is, um, bipolar.
- Oh.
- And we are gonna fire her
pretty much the minute she's
on a manic upswing. So...
- Japan.
- (laughs) Yeah.
(Caroline moaning) Yes!
Oh, yes!
Oh!
(moaning continues)
- Hannah.
- Hey, Laird.
Wow, glad you made it.
Come in, shoeless, of course.
(Caroline continues moaning)
You sure everything's okay in here?
- 'Cause...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Those are just shouts
of maternal celebration.
- (music playing)
- Hon Bun, look who it is.
Caroline: Oh, Hannah.
Hannah. It's my birth, Hannah.
Yeah.
No, it's great. It seems...
fun and relaxed.
And, like, you just... you got this, girl.
So I'm gonna head back upstairs. Bye.
Caroline: No, no, Hannah.
Stay, stay, please stay.
Laird: Yeah.
Laird is my doula,
and between you and me,
he could use a little help.
Well, I'm not officially trained.
Caroline just told me everything she knows
and I already cried once. So...
Is Caroline even a doula?
Yep, almost.
She is almost a doula.
Okay, well, I don't
actually think this is legal,
to self-doula.
Yeah, this is pretty legal, right?
Fuck the legal system.
Laird: Uh, we're trying to
keep a positive spin on things.
This baby is a month and a half early,
but it knows that we are ready, right?
We are ready and waiting
for you to come out.
Caroline: Oh, you want Hannah to stay?
Laird: Oh, you want Hannah to
stay? Yeah, that's a great idea.
- That is so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Antique. Yeah.
- Congratulations.
Oh, my God, you're a record company
president. You do not care about my ring.
- No, of course I do.
- I'm such a dork!
- Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
- Marcos: No, it's beautiful.
- Congratulations.
- Desi: Thank you.
Marnie: Thank you. We're so happy.
Desi: Marriage is such an antiquated
concept on so many levels,
but until they discover something better,
you know, this is really
the only way I know how
to express my eternal devotion to Marnie.
Marnie: Oh, my God.
Plus, I don't believe in tattoos,
so this is our only option.
All I can say is that marriage
is the best thing I ever did.
- I love hearing that.
- Oh, God, yeah.
How long have you been married for, Marcos?
Um, ten years now, including
this most recent separation.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
I mean, actually, the
hardest part is actually
just trying to FaceTime with
Piper and she's only three.
She keeps trying to touch
Daddy's face through the screen
and gets really confused and starts...
Wow, I'm really sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
- Holy shit, I'm sorry.
- No.
Marcos: You guys are not
lunatics, so you're gonna make it.
And let's talk about the showcase.
I just want to get your equipment needs
so I can get them to the
guitar techs and everyone.
Wow, totally.
I can't believe how hands-on you are.
You're the label president. This is crazy.
No, no, let's just pretend we're all
doing this together in a garage somewhere.
Okay, well, all of our gear
is in the back of Desi's truck,
so it won't be that hard to pretend.
- Marcos: Great, I'll be your roadie.
- Marnie: Perfect.
Desi: Why don't you guys
do that? Let me get this.
Bye, Ray-Ray.
Ray... (claps)
(speaks Spanish)
I gotta settle up. We had three espressos,
two of these delicious scones,
and, um, one glass of water.
Water's free.
Oh, that's a very generous policy.
(beeping)
Hey, Ray, let me ask you something, man.
Are we solid?
Excuse me?
Are you and I solid, you know?
Are we simpatico?
Because sometimes I get this
sense that there's some...
tension or like a bad line.
Not really between us, but
specifically from you to me.
Well, I really wouldn't
worry about it if I were you.
Okay, but you know what?
I do worry about those kinds of things
'cause I'm exactly the kind
of person that needs to know
that none of my lines are faulty, you know?
That-that I'm making
everybody around me happy.
- That make sense?
- It does, it does make sense.
Unfortunately, Desi, you're not gonna
get that assurance from me today.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Can you expound on that?
You're not gonna get that assurance from me
because I fucking hate you.
Well, I totally get that we're from
very different parts of the world,
and I don't expect everybody here to...
fully understand my kind
of Pacific Northwest thing.
Your whole Boston vibe
can be very abrasive.
- Okay, that's...
- Desi, this isn't about where you're from.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- This isn't about geography.
- Uh-huh.
This is about that distressed
shirt you're wearing.
This is about the fact that you
have eyeliner on your face right now.
This is about the fact that your
musical sensibility is insufferable.
Don't ever think that
you get onstage anywhere
where a vast majority of the
crowd doesn't think "douche."
Douche.
You know how you feel when
you watch Imagine Dragons play?
Well, that's how we feel about you.
And you know what? Imagine Dragons
are great and you're the douche.
You know, if we just take a minute
and put our hearts together,
you and me right here,
I think we'll both find
that we're not really all that different.
But we are different.
We are very different, because I
would never treat her like shit.
Who, Marnie?
Yes, Marnie. Marnie Michaels.
Okay, now you're talking about my fiancée,
and I strongly suggest, Ray,
that you proceed with caution.
Yeah, I know she's your fiancée.
I also know that you
absolutely do not deserve her.
Even remotely.
You string her along for months
and now you've proposed to her
in some desperate bid to
make it seem like you're not
the most selfish person in
the western fucking hemisphere,
but you know what, Desi?
I'm onto you.
Marnie isn't some tool for
you to stroke your ego with.
She's a beautiful, fully formed woman,
dazzling in her complexity,
maddening in her mystery,
and you underestimate
her every fucking day.
And because of that, you will never, ever
make her truly happy.
Truly, deeply, fundamentally happy.
You're gonna try and fuck
up and try and fuck up again.
And every time, she will
smile and take you back.
Well, thank you for that.
Keep your fucking blood money.
I love it when you join me for lunch.
I go back to the office and I'm invigorated
and I have all these great ideas
and it's all because of you.
(chuckles)
Oh, so this weekend, Amagansett.
Bryce is having one of his
famous, crazy, weird parties.
I think he has, like, half of the cast
of the Cirque du Soleil... um,
I can't remember... the sexy one.
Anyway, it's gonna be really great.
- Hey, I have to tell you something.
- Mm-hmm?
Um... I got a job.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah, um...
in Japan.
It's really... it's incredible.
It's, um... it's, like,
a very high-level job.
It's in marketing, it's kind of...
it-it's... I... no, it's my dream job.
It's totally my dream job.
You know, I'm totally down
to be your Japanese booty call
and that's so fine and
amazing, but I just...
Don't...
- You know, it's like, we can continue
- Don't... don't take the job.
- on the phone, and...
- Don't.
- Shoshanna, don't take that job, okay?
- What?
- Okay?
- Just... what?
Just don't take it.
You can work at Madame Tinsley's, okay?
And move in with me. Yes, move in with me.
I know that's fast, but
you can't go to Japan.
Don't take that job.
- Um...
- I'm gonna be in love with you soon.
Oh, okay.
(low moaning)
Uh, Laird, this whole
thing seems kind of crazy.
Uh, how can it be crazy, Hannah?
It's happening.
Okay, yeah, but just because something's
happening doesn't mean it's not crazy.
Doesn't it?
- No, crazy things happen every...
- (door bursts open)
(panting)
Hey.
(Caroline continues moaning)
No.
(inhales)
Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
What the fuck are you doing?
Oh, even for you, that's
a dim little question.
This is the dumbest idea
that's ever happened.
That's what I was trying to tell them,
only just in less kind of combative words.
Oh, don't be so Western, you two.
- Cover your boobs, please.
- Fine.
But for obvious reasons, I'm
not gonna cover my vagina.
We got it on lock, brother.
What is that?
Uh, we... we're... we got
the situation under control.
We got it on lockdown.
Oh, good to know.
Because if there's a problem,
those are usually handled
by modern fucking medicine!
Fuck the modern fucking medicine, okay?
I am not going to distance myself
from the beautiful and
natural process that is birth
by tubes and drugs and
fucking white lab coats.
I'm going to inhabit my body
and bring this baby into a world
of aware, peaceful individuals
and not fucking drug-addicted robots.
So you would have open-heart
surgery in your living room?
Maybe, yeah. Maybe I would.
You know, I watched the Ricki
Lake-produced documentary
"The Business of Being
Born," and it let me know
that there's a lot of
different angles on this.
Laird: I agree. There was
a "Tom and Jerry" episode...
they were on the plains in frontier times
and Tom was having a baby
and Jerry was a cowboy...
Shut the fuck up!
You listen to me.
That is the father of my child, okay?
And that man loves me and treats
me as I should be treated by a man
and you don't talk to him like that, ever!
(Caroline gasps, moans)
Ray?
Ray?
- Ray!
- Ah, shush!
You're making my migraine twerk.
Hi, Hermie. Um, is Ray here?
Because it's a little bit of an emergency
and it also has a little
bit of a clock on it.
Break a heel in a subway grate?
No, actually.
I was offered a high-powered job in Japan
and I need his advice on
whether or not to take it.
Well, Ray's not here right now.
Okay, well, do you know where Ray is?
Ray's a politician now.
He's shaking hands and kissing babies.
That's his life. We're
no longer part of it.
(groans)
Job offer in Japan's
not a bad thing to have.
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know if I'm
gonna take it. I just...
I'm kind of on the precipice of,
like, possibly falling in love
with a very successful, very kind,
very fashionable man,
and I just feel like if I don't
give this relationship a shot,
then I'm gonna regret it my entire life.
And he offered me a job at
his company, so I feel like...
Stop, stop, stop, please.
What, does that... does
that not make sense?
It makes sense like a Danielle Steel novel
makes sense to a woman with emphysema.
I'm gonna tell you something.
Be the walker, not the dog.
What?
You familiar with the work
of the writer Sheryl Sandberg?
Um, yes, I'm familiar with the works
of the writer Sheryl Sandberg. Are you?
Yes, my wife left a copy out
and I saw an attractive woman,
I read the book. I'm a convert.
This is your "Lean In" moment.
This is your moment to lean in.
You don't want to be dependent
on some guy, some nerd.
Don't give the power to your partner.
Grab a seat at the table
and lean the fuck in.
And if this guy's worth his salt,
he'll be waiting for you at
the airport when you return.
This is for you, taking what's yours.
Attainment, achievement...
this is your time to grasp your destiny.
- What you...
- Yeah, no, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Thank you.
You are very strange.
But you're very wise.
(Caroline moaning loudly)
I want to go in there and see what's
happening so bad. Do you think it's gory?
No, it just looks like me after I've
eaten, like, a big Mexican dinner.
- Hannah.
- No, but, like, her actual pussy.
- What's happening?
- Oh, I didn't get to see her pussy.
Adam, did you see it?
I didn't fucking look.
That's my fucking sister!
Adam, maybe you should look
because it's your sister.
(Caroline screaming)
(door opens, closes)
Okay, something is not right.
Motherfucker, I told you.
I think something is really wrong.
Okay, Laird, we need
you to be more articulate
if you want us to help you.
Okay, she... she is writhing in pain
and she is really feeling it,
and she is screaming... you can all
currently hear all that right now.
And even I know that that
should not happen unless...
you're supposed to be five to ten
dilated for that kind of pain, right?
And she is only three fingers wide.
I'm calling an ambulance.
Motherfucker, I know where you live.
No, you are not calling an... hey, no.
She will not go to a hospital.
That is not in her birth plan.
What the fuck is a birth plan?
I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
It's the plan you have for the
way you're gonna give birth,
like, "I'm gonna take the stuff that
Michael Jackson took to sleep," all right?
We need to call a doctor.
We are not calling a doctor,
we are not going to the hospital.
- She will murder me. Are you kidding? No.
- (moaning continues)
You guys are all pussies, every one of you.
(panting)
(screaming)
Okay, Caroline, talk to me.
It hurts like a motherfucker, Jess.
Low, real low.
I think she might be breach.
I need you to check, okay?
Holy shitfuck.
(screaming)
Uh, hey, man, I can do it.
Stay the fuck away from me, Laird.
Laird, this isn't for you.
(groans)
(panting)
(screaming)
Oh!
(panting)
- I saw a foot.
- Oh, God, oh, God.
- Caroline: Okay, okay, it's breaching.
- Laird: Oh my God, oh my God.
(thuds)
Caroline: I can deliver.
People do it every day.
Baby, we need to go to a
hospital right now, okay?
Oh, God!
You're just like the rest of them.
You're all part of the fucking
birth industrial complex!
It's a goddamn conspiracy.
- Okay...
- I'm gonna deliver this baby by myself
like a teenager in the
heartland if I have to!
Caroline, listen to me.
Listen to me right now.
No. I'm shutting everybody out.
I'm not listening to any
more bullshit with my ears.
I'm not gonna hear any of you ever again,
not ever, not ever, not ever once again.
(sobbing)
- Laird?
- What?
You need to get your wife out of the tub.
We're not married, okay?
I just wear this 'cause
it makes me feel good.
Laird, I need you and she
needs you to be a man right now.
But I'm not a man.
(sobbing)
I'm a Jewish recovering
junkie and I weigh 135 pounds!
Okay, I know you're scared right now,
but if there was ever a
time to not be pathetic,
it's now.
I think later is my time.
That's when my time usually is, is later.
Jessa: I'm gonna walk out the room,
you guys are gonna have a moment,
and you're gonna get her out of the tub.
(moaning continues)
(exhales)
Caroline...
you need to get out of the fucking tub!
Eat shit, bitch!
Marnie: Desi, you really
have to call me back.
We go on in half an hour.
You missed our sound check.
It's fine. I'm honestly
just worried about you,
but please, sweetie, just call me back.
Bye.
Any news we can use?
No, but, I mean, I'm sure
he'll be here any second.
Yeah, he's probably just,
like, around the corner.
Okay, all the blogs are here...
"Brooklyn Vegan," "Pitchfork,"
"The Fader," "Iron Throng," "Bad Breath."
I know, and it's really unlike him.
Like, when it comes to his
music, he's usually so punctual,
so I'm sure he's, like, about to get here.
Well, I mean, let's just hope
he didn't Jeff Buckley it, right?
Do you mean drown?
Yeah, you know, Amy Winehouse it,
Janis Joplin it, Hendrix himself...
Um, yeah, I hope he didn't die either.
Hey, dudes. Ready to rock?
(moaning)
Is the ambulance here?
Um, I just Wazed it, and I think
it's actually better if we walk.
I'm not walking, you fucking
baby-murdering cuntmonster!
- Baby, it's okay.
- Damn it, no, it's not okay.
Okay.
Stop fucking touching my feet, you asshole!
(screams) Get this fucking thing out of me!
What? Don't drop me, don't drop me.
This is pretty fucking disappointing.
I know.
No, I mean, like, madly disappointing.
(sighs) I know.
But you're the one who
said that it should feel
like we're all just in someone's garage.
No, that's actually not what I said.
What I... if you listened to
what I said, what I said is,
"I like it when it feels like we're
in someone else's garage," okay?
Don't twist my words around
at your own convenience.
Listen to what I actually say.
(voice breaking) Okay, um...
I'm really sorry.
No, no, please don't cry.
- What's going on?
- Well, uh, Desi is not here
and it seems like he won't be here.
What?
Listen, let's just hope he's alive, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Yes, let's always hope
everyone we like is alive.
Marcos: I'm gonna just go
introduce Violent Ron early.
You can go home, take a bath,
and we'll check in tomorrow, okay?
What? No, fuck, no.
No one's going home, taking a bath.
You're gonna go up there and
you're gonna do this by yourself.
What? No, I can't do that.
I don't think she's much of a solo artist.
- I don't think...
- No, I actually got
my start as a solo artist
and I am perfectly capable
of commanding such a crowd,
but these are Marnie and Desi songs.
I can't just do them alone.
Marnie, listen to me, okay?
And forgive the following sentence,
but all that matters right now
is that you keep the music alive.
That's what Desi would want.
Look, you want me to play
guitar? I'm actually pretty good.
No.
I'm pretty good, too.
Don't worry about it, man.
She cries all the time.
All the time.
(applause)
(music playing)
♪ Pack up your suitcase,
put on that dress ♪
♪ We can make the 7:45 express ♪
♪ And never look back,
and when we grow old ♪
♪ It'll be a life of
all the stories we told ♪
♪ 'Cause there's something
in the air tonight ♪
♪ Maybe there's a fire
burning out in Riverside... ♪
Oh, we have a baby, guys.
We have a bouncing-ass baby.
Jessa: Where is it?
They put her in a nice, warm box.
- Thank fucking God.
- What is it?
She is a sweet, sugary girl child.
Her name is Jessa-Hannah
Bluebell Poem Schlesinger-Sackler.
Four and a half pounds of
pure love and forgiveness.
You named it Jessa?
Well, they named it Jessa-Hannah.
As the... yeah, hyphenate... right.
Oh, my God. (laughs)
I mean, you saved us.
You brought Jessa-Hannah
Bluebell Poem into this world.
Oh, my God. I mean, I
just... I just talked.
Well, you said more than words.
I did, didn't I?
♪ So you're closing the
case as you're walking away ♪
♪ Maybe the truth would've
helped up to now ♪
♪ But what you'd say you
could never just say ♪
♪ Out loud ♪
- ♪ That now it cannot be denied... ♪
- I'm going to become a therapist.
I'm moving to Japan.
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be such a good therapist!
I know! You're gonna make
a really great geisha.
♪ Maybe there's a fire
burning out in Riverside. ♪
(cheering, applause)
(laughs)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
(chatter)
- I'm shaking.
- I can see that.
Oh, my God. That was the
scariest thing I have ever done.
- How was it?
- It was good, yeah.
It was really good. Really good.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
Where's Desi? Did he come?
I don't know.
Hannah: Jessa-Hannah.
You were just born.
- Jesus Christ.
- That's your Uncle Adam.
And I'm gonna tell you some
things about being alive.
Life, man...
I can't guarantee perfection,
but I can guarantee intrigue.
The idea that I had an
"ambilicord" is... is insane.
- Umbilical cord.
- Umbilical cord.
You wanna just know that.
It's a word you wanna know.
- Umbilical cord.
- Yeah, good job.
Mimi-Rose and I are over.
Really?
I'm sorry to hear that. I know
you really cared about her.
Mm, I don't know that I did. I
don't think I really knew her.
Yeah, but isn't that how we always feel?
Like, when a relationship
ends, you're like,
"What was that? Who was that?"
And then you give it a few months
and all the good memories come back
and you can kinda live with it, I think.
No, I just think I was confused.
And I think I made a mistake.
I miss you so badly.
I think I just got lost in it all.
And I didn't hold on to the right stuff
and I let my center move.
And I just got lost.
Hannah?
I think you're just really tired
and that you had a really long day
and that you're gonna get some sleep
and you're gonna feel all better.
(laughs)
No, I'm serious.
I'm sorry.
Really, I don't know where
the fuck I've been at.
But, you know, I'm here now.
Yeah, I'm...
I can't do that.
Please?
(voice breaks) I can't.
Yeah, you can.
I can't. (sniffles)
Okay.
That's fine.
Okay. (sniffles)
Loreen on phone: Honey, it's late.
- Were you sleeping?
- No.
Mommy, I just saw a baby get born, okay?
Not a whole baby. First
it was just the foot
and then it was the rest of the
baby. But I did. I saw a baby.
It was the cutest thing
in the entire world.
She's so small, but
her name is Jessa-Hannah
and she seems real feisty.
Loreen: That's nice,
honey. Babies are sweet.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'll be fine.
The sad part is I don't
really have a future.
(Loreen laughs) You have
a future, though, Hannah.
You're not like me, giving your
life to one man who ate it all up.
You have time to go out
there and forge something new.
You have time to go out there
and forge ten new things,
not just reenact, re-imagine
the same old thing with
the same foolish man.
Can I talk to Daddy?
Oh, sure. She wants to talk to you.
Tad: Hello?
Hi.
- ♪ When you know it's not okay ♪
- _
♪ And you know you're not to blame ♪
♪ Look inside your mind and try to find ♪
♪ This heart of mine ♪
♪ And you know it's just a dream ♪
♪ One you wished you'd never seen ♪
♪ Open up your eyes, it's
still dark outside ♪
♪ Alone again tonight ♪
♪ You've got the smile I want to see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I want to see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ And you try, but it's too much ♪
♪ And hurting yourself is not enough ♪
♪ Think of everyone who
has it worse than you ♪
♪ There is no curse on you ♪
♪ Think of everyone who
has it worse than you ♪
♪ There is no curse on you ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me. ♪
- (traffic blaring)
(sirens wailing in distance)
(exhales)
(breathing heavily)
You okay?
I think I'm having a panic attack.
Oh, man.
I can still breathe, so I don't
know if it counts as a panic attack
if I can still breathe,
but my heart is really...
maybe slowed down.
Are the kids still in there?
In the classroom where you left them? Yeah.
Great, great.
Apparently Ashanti brought a
gerbil to school in her pocket
and crushed its brain,
so they've moved on to
bigger and better things.
Is that something that happens a lot?
There's just been a lot going
on lately with my... family.
Yeah.
My dad decided that he's, um...
well, I don't know if he
decided, he just figured...
he's not...
You know what? Don't need to tell me.
Okay.
I'm gonna go back up there in a second.
I just need to breathe a little
and then I'm gonna be ready to rock.
Everything's under control up there.
You take as much time as you need.
Is this okay?
Shoshanna: So I was really inspired
by working on his campaign
and, you know, seeing
all of the change
that he's already been able
to make in his neighborhood
regarding the traffic lights.
It reinvigorated my job
search, so here I am.
And I don't think that I need
to overplay my résumé, you know?
It's not exhaustive, but I have really
stuck with the jobs that I've had
and I am incredibly educated about
the current corporate climate
and also what marketing
means in the digital age.
Well, I think you just really
hit the nail on the head.
I mean, that's the company ethos,
and we want employees who understand
the lifestyle and the message,
so I think there is a position
you'd be perfect for.
- It involves marketing...
- A passion area.
- ...and social media...
- Okay, also, like, a joy of mine.
...and acting as a liaison between
our Japanese brand leadership
and our American sales team.
Amazing.
Um, but how would you feel
about relocating to Tokyo?
At least for the time being.
Um... me?
Yeah, you.
Tokyo.
It's the coolest.
We have a great team of
expats working in Tokyo,
and they've all found the
city hijo ni subarashii,
which means "very nice" in Japanese.
Japanese is super easy to get the hang of.
It's just, like, four sounds
that you kind of, like,
loop around and put together.
It's like, "hi," and then like, "jo."
Um, so, like, how frequently do you go...
travel to Japan?
I have not been.
But I get a lot of visual
aids from the Internet
and I have Skyped with people in Tokyo.
I'll go, like, "Hi!"
And they will do "Hi!" back.
Um, can... is, uh... is it possible
to think about it just for a moment?
Totally. Think about it.
I probably need to know
by Wednesday, probably.
- Okay.
- Okay?
To be completely frank,
Lydia, who is currently
holding the position,
is, um, bipolar.
- Oh.
- And we are gonna fire her
pretty much the minute she's
on a manic upswing. So...
- Japan.
- (laughs) Yeah.
(Caroline moaning) Yes!
Oh, yes!
Oh!
(moaning continues)
- Hannah.
- Hey, Laird.
Wow, glad you made it.
Come in, shoeless, of course.
(Caroline continues moaning)
You sure everything's okay in here?
- 'Cause...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Those are just shouts
of maternal celebration.
- (music playing)
- Hon Bun, look who it is.
Caroline: Oh, Hannah.
Hannah. It's my birth, Hannah.
Yeah.
No, it's great. It seems...
fun and relaxed.
And, like, you just... you got this, girl.
So I'm gonna head back upstairs. Bye.
Caroline: No, no, Hannah.
Stay, stay, please stay.
Laird: Yeah.
Laird is my doula,
and between you and me,
he could use a little help.
Well, I'm not officially trained.
Caroline just told me everything she knows
and I already cried once. So...
Is Caroline even a doula?
Yep, almost.
She is almost a doula.
Okay, well, I don't
actually think this is legal,
to self-doula.
Yeah, this is pretty legal, right?
Fuck the legal system.
Laird: Uh, we're trying to
keep a positive spin on things.
This baby is a month and a half early,
but it knows that we are ready, right?
We are ready and waiting
for you to come out.
Caroline: Oh, you want Hannah to stay?
Laird: Oh, you want Hannah to
stay? Yeah, that's a great idea.
- That is so beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Antique. Yeah.
- Congratulations.
Oh, my God, you're a record company
president. You do not care about my ring.
- No, of course I do.
- I'm such a dork!
- Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
- Marcos: No, it's beautiful.
- Congratulations.
- Desi: Thank you.
Marnie: Thank you. We're so happy.
Desi: Marriage is such an antiquated
concept on so many levels,
but until they discover something better,
you know, this is really
the only way I know how
to express my eternal devotion to Marnie.
Marnie: Oh, my God.
Plus, I don't believe in tattoos,
so this is our only option.
All I can say is that marriage
is the best thing I ever did.
- I love hearing that.
- Oh, God, yeah.
How long have you been married for, Marcos?
Um, ten years now, including
this most recent separation.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
I mean, actually, the
hardest part is actually
just trying to FaceTime with
Piper and she's only three.
She keeps trying to touch
Daddy's face through the screen
and gets really confused and starts...
Wow, I'm really sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
- Holy shit, I'm sorry.
- No.
Marcos: You guys are not
lunatics, so you're gonna make it.
And let's talk about the showcase.
I just want to get your equipment needs
so I can get them to the
guitar techs and everyone.
Wow, totally.
I can't believe how hands-on you are.
You're the label president. This is crazy.
No, no, let's just pretend we're all
doing this together in a garage somewhere.
Okay, well, all of our gear
is in the back of Desi's truck,
so it won't be that hard to pretend.
- Marcos: Great, I'll be your roadie.
- Marnie: Perfect.
Desi: Why don't you guys
do that? Let me get this.
Bye, Ray-Ray.
Ray... (claps)
(speaks Spanish)
I gotta settle up. We had three espressos,
two of these delicious scones,
and, um, one glass of water.
Water's free.
Oh, that's a very generous policy.
(beeping)
Hey, Ray, let me ask you something, man.
Are we solid?
Excuse me?
Are you and I solid, you know?
Are we simpatico?
Because sometimes I get this
sense that there's some...
tension or like a bad line.
Not really between us, but
specifically from you to me.
Well, I really wouldn't
worry about it if I were you.
Okay, but you know what?
I do worry about those kinds of things
'cause I'm exactly the kind
of person that needs to know
that none of my lines are faulty, you know?
That-that I'm making
everybody around me happy.
- That make sense?
- It does, it does make sense.
Unfortunately, Desi, you're not gonna
get that assurance from me today.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Can you expound on that?
You're not gonna get that assurance from me
because I fucking hate you.
Well, I totally get that we're from
very different parts of the world,
and I don't expect everybody here to...
fully understand my kind
of Pacific Northwest thing.
Your whole Boston vibe
can be very abrasive.
- Okay, that's...
- Desi, this isn't about where you're from.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- This isn't about geography.
- Uh-huh.
This is about that distressed
shirt you're wearing.
This is about the fact that you
have eyeliner on your face right now.
This is about the fact that your
musical sensibility is insufferable.
Don't ever think that
you get onstage anywhere
where a vast majority of the
crowd doesn't think "douche."
Douche.
You know how you feel when
you watch Imagine Dragons play?
Well, that's how we feel about you.
And you know what? Imagine Dragons
are great and you're the douche.
You know, if we just take a minute
and put our hearts together,
you and me right here,
I think we'll both find
that we're not really all that different.
But we are different.
We are very different, because I
would never treat her like shit.
Who, Marnie?
Yes, Marnie. Marnie Michaels.
Okay, now you're talking about my fiancée,
and I strongly suggest, Ray,
that you proceed with caution.
Yeah, I know she's your fiancée.
I also know that you
absolutely do not deserve her.
Even remotely.
You string her along for months
and now you've proposed to her
in some desperate bid to
make it seem like you're not
the most selfish person in
the western fucking hemisphere,
but you know what, Desi?
I'm onto you.
Marnie isn't some tool for
you to stroke your ego with.
She's a beautiful, fully formed woman,
dazzling in her complexity,
maddening in her mystery,
and you underestimate
her every fucking day.
And because of that, you will never, ever
make her truly happy.
Truly, deeply, fundamentally happy.
You're gonna try and fuck
up and try and fuck up again.
And every time, she will
smile and take you back.
Well, thank you for that.
Keep your fucking blood money.
I love it when you join me for lunch.
I go back to the office and I'm invigorated
and I have all these great ideas
and it's all because of you.
(chuckles)
Oh, so this weekend, Amagansett.
Bryce is having one of his
famous, crazy, weird parties.
I think he has, like, half of the cast
of the Cirque du Soleil... um,
I can't remember... the sexy one.
Anyway, it's gonna be really great.
- Hey, I have to tell you something.
- Mm-hmm?
Um... I got a job.
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah, um...
in Japan.
It's really... it's incredible.
It's, um... it's, like,
a very high-level job.
It's in marketing, it's kind of...
it-it's... I... no, it's my dream job.
It's totally my dream job.
You know, I'm totally down
to be your Japanese booty call
and that's so fine and
amazing, but I just...
Don't...
- You know, it's like, we can continue
- Don't... don't take the job.
- on the phone, and...
- Don't.
- Shoshanna, don't take that job, okay?
- What?
- Okay?
- Just... what?
Just don't take it.
You can work at Madame Tinsley's, okay?
And move in with me. Yes, move in with me.
I know that's fast, but
you can't go to Japan.
Don't take that job.
- Um...
- I'm gonna be in love with you soon.
Oh, okay.
(low moaning)
Uh, Laird, this whole
thing seems kind of crazy.
Uh, how can it be crazy, Hannah?
It's happening.
Okay, yeah, but just because something's
happening doesn't mean it's not crazy.
Doesn't it?
- No, crazy things happen every...
- (door bursts open)
(panting)
Hey.
(Caroline continues moaning)
No.
(inhales)
Oh, I'm so happy you're here.
What the fuck are you doing?
Oh, even for you, that's
a dim little question.
This is the dumbest idea
that's ever happened.
That's what I was trying to tell them,
only just in less kind of combative words.
Oh, don't be so Western, you two.
- Cover your boobs, please.
- Fine.
But for obvious reasons, I'm
not gonna cover my vagina.
We got it on lock, brother.
What is that?
Uh, we... we're... we got
the situation under control.
We got it on lockdown.
Oh, good to know.
Because if there's a problem,
those are usually handled
by modern fucking medicine!
Fuck the modern fucking medicine, okay?
I am not going to distance myself
from the beautiful and
natural process that is birth
by tubes and drugs and
fucking white lab coats.
I'm going to inhabit my body
and bring this baby into a world
of aware, peaceful individuals
and not fucking drug-addicted robots.
So you would have open-heart
surgery in your living room?
Maybe, yeah. Maybe I would.
You know, I watched the Ricki
Lake-produced documentary
"The Business of Being
Born," and it let me know
that there's a lot of
different angles on this.
Laird: I agree. There was
a "Tom and Jerry" episode...
they were on the plains in frontier times
and Tom was having a baby
and Jerry was a cowboy...
Shut the fuck up!
You listen to me.
That is the father of my child, okay?
And that man loves me and treats
me as I should be treated by a man
and you don't talk to him like that, ever!
(Caroline gasps, moans)
Ray?
Ray?
- Ray!
- Ah, shush!
You're making my migraine twerk.
Hi, Hermie. Um, is Ray here?
Because it's a little bit of an emergency
and it also has a little
bit of a clock on it.
Break a heel in a subway grate?
No, actually.
I was offered a high-powered job in Japan
and I need his advice on
whether or not to take it.
Well, Ray's not here right now.
Okay, well, do you know where Ray is?
Ray's a politician now.
He's shaking hands and kissing babies.
That's his life. We're
no longer part of it.
(groans)
Job offer in Japan's
not a bad thing to have.
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't know if I'm
gonna take it. I just...
I'm kind of on the precipice of,
like, possibly falling in love
with a very successful, very kind,
very fashionable man,
and I just feel like if I don't
give this relationship a shot,
then I'm gonna regret it my entire life.
And he offered me a job at
his company, so I feel like...
Stop, stop, stop, please.
What, does that... does
that not make sense?
It makes sense like a Danielle Steel novel
makes sense to a woman with emphysema.
I'm gonna tell you something.
Be the walker, not the dog.
What?
You familiar with the work
of the writer Sheryl Sandberg?
Um, yes, I'm familiar with the works
of the writer Sheryl Sandberg. Are you?
Yes, my wife left a copy out
and I saw an attractive woman,
I read the book. I'm a convert.
This is your "Lean In" moment.
This is your moment to lean in.
You don't want to be dependent
on some guy, some nerd.
Don't give the power to your partner.
Grab a seat at the table
and lean the fuck in.
And if this guy's worth his salt,
he'll be waiting for you at
the airport when you return.
This is for you, taking what's yours.
Attainment, achievement...
this is your time to grasp your destiny.
- What you...
- Yeah, no, I get it, I get it, I get it.
Thank you.
You are very strange.
But you're very wise.
(Caroline moaning loudly)
I want to go in there and see what's
happening so bad. Do you think it's gory?
No, it just looks like me after I've
eaten, like, a big Mexican dinner.
- Hannah.
- No, but, like, her actual pussy.
- What's happening?
- Oh, I didn't get to see her pussy.
Adam, did you see it?
I didn't fucking look.
That's my fucking sister!
Adam, maybe you should look
because it's your sister.
(Caroline screaming)
(door opens, closes)
Okay, something is not right.
Motherfucker, I told you.
I think something is really wrong.
Okay, Laird, we need
you to be more articulate
if you want us to help you.
Okay, she... she is writhing in pain
and she is really feeling it,
and she is screaming... you can all
currently hear all that right now.
And even I know that that
should not happen unless...
you're supposed to be five to ten
dilated for that kind of pain, right?
And she is only three fingers wide.
I'm calling an ambulance.
Motherfucker, I know where you live.
No, you are not calling an... hey, no.
She will not go to a hospital.
That is not in her birth plan.
What the fuck is a birth plan?
I think it's pretty self-explanatory.
It's the plan you have for the
way you're gonna give birth,
like, "I'm gonna take the stuff that
Michael Jackson took to sleep," all right?
We need to call a doctor.
We are not calling a doctor,
we are not going to the hospital.
- She will murder me. Are you kidding? No.
- (moaning continues)
You guys are all pussies, every one of you.
(panting)
(screaming)
Okay, Caroline, talk to me.
It hurts like a motherfucker, Jess.
Low, real low.
I think she might be breach.
I need you to check, okay?
Holy shitfuck.
(screaming)
Uh, hey, man, I can do it.
Stay the fuck away from me, Laird.
Laird, this isn't for you.
(groans)
(panting)
(screaming)
Oh!
(panting)
- I saw a foot.
- Oh, God, oh, God.
- Caroline: Okay, okay, it's breaching.
- Laird: Oh my God, oh my God.
(thuds)
Caroline: I can deliver.
People do it every day.
Baby, we need to go to a
hospital right now, okay?
Oh, God!
You're just like the rest of them.
You're all part of the fucking
birth industrial complex!
It's a goddamn conspiracy.
- Okay...
- I'm gonna deliver this baby by myself
like a teenager in the
heartland if I have to!
Caroline, listen to me.
Listen to me right now.
No. I'm shutting everybody out.
I'm not listening to any
more bullshit with my ears.
I'm not gonna hear any of you ever again,
not ever, not ever, not ever once again.
(sobbing)
- Laird?
- What?
You need to get your wife out of the tub.
We're not married, okay?
I just wear this 'cause
it makes me feel good.
Laird, I need you and she
needs you to be a man right now.
But I'm not a man.
(sobbing)
I'm a Jewish recovering
junkie and I weigh 135 pounds!
Okay, I know you're scared right now,
but if there was ever a
time to not be pathetic,
it's now.
I think later is my time.
That's when my time usually is, is later.
Jessa: I'm gonna walk out the room,
you guys are gonna have a moment,
and you're gonna get her out of the tub.
(moaning continues)
(exhales)
Caroline...
you need to get out of the fucking tub!
Eat shit, bitch!
Marnie: Desi, you really
have to call me back.
We go on in half an hour.
You missed our sound check.
It's fine. I'm honestly
just worried about you,
but please, sweetie, just call me back.
Bye.
Any news we can use?
No, but, I mean, I'm sure
he'll be here any second.
Yeah, he's probably just,
like, around the corner.
Okay, all the blogs are here...
"Brooklyn Vegan," "Pitchfork,"
"The Fader," "Iron Throng," "Bad Breath."
I know, and it's really unlike him.
Like, when it comes to his
music, he's usually so punctual,
so I'm sure he's, like, about to get here.
Well, I mean, let's just hope
he didn't Jeff Buckley it, right?
Do you mean drown?
Yeah, you know, Amy Winehouse it,
Janis Joplin it, Hendrix himself...
Um, yeah, I hope he didn't die either.
Hey, dudes. Ready to rock?
(moaning)
Is the ambulance here?
Um, I just Wazed it, and I think
it's actually better if we walk.
I'm not walking, you fucking
baby-murdering cuntmonster!
- Baby, it's okay.
- Damn it, no, it's not okay.
Okay.
Stop fucking touching my feet, you asshole!
(screams) Get this fucking thing out of me!
What? Don't drop me, don't drop me.
This is pretty fucking disappointing.
I know.
No, I mean, like, madly disappointing.
(sighs) I know.
But you're the one who
said that it should feel
like we're all just in someone's garage.
No, that's actually not what I said.
What I... if you listened to
what I said, what I said is,
"I like it when it feels like we're
in someone else's garage," okay?
Don't twist my words around
at your own convenience.
Listen to what I actually say.
(voice breaking) Okay, um...
I'm really sorry.
No, no, please don't cry.
- What's going on?
- Well, uh, Desi is not here
and it seems like he won't be here.
What?
Listen, let's just hope he's alive, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Yes, let's always hope
everyone we like is alive.
Marcos: I'm gonna just go
introduce Violent Ron early.
You can go home, take a bath,
and we'll check in tomorrow, okay?
What? No, fuck, no.
No one's going home, taking a bath.
You're gonna go up there and
you're gonna do this by yourself.
What? No, I can't do that.
I don't think she's much of a solo artist.
- I don't think...
- No, I actually got
my start as a solo artist
and I am perfectly capable
of commanding such a crowd,
but these are Marnie and Desi songs.
I can't just do them alone.
Marnie, listen to me, okay?
And forgive the following sentence,
but all that matters right now
is that you keep the music alive.
That's what Desi would want.
Look, you want me to play
guitar? I'm actually pretty good.
No.
I'm pretty good, too.
Don't worry about it, man.
She cries all the time.
All the time.
(applause)
(music playing)
♪ Pack up your suitcase,
put on that dress ♪
♪ We can make the 7:45 express ♪
♪ And never look back,
and when we grow old ♪
♪ It'll be a life of
all the stories we told ♪
♪ 'Cause there's something
in the air tonight ♪
♪ Maybe there's a fire
burning out in Riverside... ♪
Oh, we have a baby, guys.
We have a bouncing-ass baby.
Jessa: Where is it?
They put her in a nice, warm box.
- Thank fucking God.
- What is it?
She is a sweet, sugary girl child.
Her name is Jessa-Hannah
Bluebell Poem Schlesinger-Sackler.
Four and a half pounds of
pure love and forgiveness.
You named it Jessa?
Well, they named it Jessa-Hannah.
As the... yeah, hyphenate... right.
Oh, my God. (laughs)
I mean, you saved us.
You brought Jessa-Hannah
Bluebell Poem into this world.
Oh, my God. I mean, I
just... I just talked.
Well, you said more than words.
I did, didn't I?
♪ So you're closing the
case as you're walking away ♪
♪ Maybe the truth would've
helped up to now ♪
♪ But what you'd say you
could never just say ♪
♪ Out loud ♪
- ♪ That now it cannot be denied... ♪
- I'm going to become a therapist.
I'm moving to Japan.
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be such a good therapist!
I know! You're gonna make
a really great geisha.
♪ Maybe there's a fire
burning out in Riverside. ♪
(cheering, applause)
(laughs)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
(chatter)
- I'm shaking.
- I can see that.
Oh, my God. That was the
scariest thing I have ever done.
- How was it?
- It was good, yeah.
It was really good. Really good.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
Where's Desi? Did he come?
I don't know.
Hannah: Jessa-Hannah.
You were just born.
- Jesus Christ.
- That's your Uncle Adam.
And I'm gonna tell you some
things about being alive.
Life, man...
I can't guarantee perfection,
but I can guarantee intrigue.
The idea that I had an
"ambilicord" is... is insane.
- Umbilical cord.
- Umbilical cord.
You wanna just know that.
It's a word you wanna know.
- Umbilical cord.
- Yeah, good job.
Mimi-Rose and I are over.
Really?
I'm sorry to hear that. I know
you really cared about her.
Mm, I don't know that I did. I
don't think I really knew her.
Yeah, but isn't that how we always feel?
Like, when a relationship
ends, you're like,
"What was that? Who was that?"
And then you give it a few months
and all the good memories come back
and you can kinda live with it, I think.
No, I just think I was confused.
And I think I made a mistake.
I miss you so badly.
I think I just got lost in it all.
And I didn't hold on to the right stuff
and I let my center move.
And I just got lost.
Hannah?
I think you're just really tired
and that you had a really long day
and that you're gonna get some sleep
and you're gonna feel all better.
(laughs)
No, I'm serious.
I'm sorry.
Really, I don't know where
the fuck I've been at.
But, you know, I'm here now.
Yeah, I'm...
I can't do that.
Please?
(voice breaks) I can't.
Yeah, you can.
I can't. (sniffles)
Okay.
That's fine.
Okay. (sniffles)
Loreen on phone: Honey, it's late.
- Were you sleeping?
- No.
Mommy, I just saw a baby get born, okay?
Not a whole baby. First
it was just the foot
and then it was the rest of the
baby. But I did. I saw a baby.
It was the cutest thing
in the entire world.
She's so small, but
her name is Jessa-Hannah
and she seems real feisty.
Loreen: That's nice,
honey. Babies are sweet.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'll be fine.
The sad part is I don't
really have a future.
(Loreen laughs) You have
a future, though, Hannah.
You're not like me, giving your
life to one man who ate it all up.
You have time to go out
there and forge something new.
You have time to go out there
and forge ten new things,
not just reenact, re-imagine
the same old thing with
the same foolish man.
Can I talk to Daddy?
Oh, sure. She wants to talk to you.
Tad: Hello?
Hi.
- ♪ When you know it's not okay ♪
- _
♪ And you know you're not to blame ♪
♪ Look inside your mind and try to find ♪
♪ This heart of mine ♪
♪ And you know it's just a dream ♪
♪ One you wished you'd never seen ♪
♪ Open up your eyes, it's
still dark outside ♪
♪ Alone again tonight ♪
♪ You've got the smile I want to see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I want to see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ And you try, but it's too much ♪
♪ And hurting yourself is not enough ♪
♪ Think of everyone who
has it worse than you ♪
♪ There is no curse on you ♪
♪ Think of everyone who
has it worse than you ♪
♪ There is no curse on you ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me ♪
♪ You've got the smile I wanna see ♪
♪ You've got the heart to carry me. ♪