Girls (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 8 - Incidentals - full transcript

Are you sure I can't get you anything else?

Oh, yeah, no. I'm actually
waiting for someone.

I'm actually waiting for Patti Lupone.

I have... I'm going to
conduct an interview with her.

If you could just let her know that I'm
sitting right here, that would be amazing.

I don't know what she looks like.

Patti Lupone?

Like, ♪ don't cry for me,
argen... ♪ that's not...

Okay.

Hi, mister. I'm waiting for Patti.

I'm at my callback.



Oh, my God. "Major
Barbara." Are you excited?

I don't know. It's a small part.

No, there's no small parts, there's only
small actors, and you're a very tall actor.

Everyone here looks like
how I'd look with a nose job.

But they don't want someone with a nose
job. They want someone with a spirit.

Whatever. I'm not here to make friends.

Look, they don't love it
when you're on the phone.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, okay.

- I've gotta go.
- Okay, I love you.

- I love you too.
- Bye.

I'll call you after the interview. Bye.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I
know this casting director.

She's kinda, like, proper.

No, no, no, no, it's cool. Thank you.



Yeah, sure.

- Ahem, Desi.
- Adam.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

What part are you reading?

Bill.

Oh, okay.

- You?
- Uh, Bronterre.

Oh.

- Nice. Very nice.
- Yeah.

Hi, Rocco. Do you need me to sign?

Nope, have a great day.

- Please don't go, Rocco.
- I have to go.

I want to hear about your weekend, Rocco.

What did you have for dinner?

Who's your ex-wife? Rocco,
I'm so bored! You bastard.

So...

Um, something's actually come
up for Patti in her schedule,

so she's not gonna...
We're gonna reschedule.

Adam?

Can we see you for one more second?

Yeah.

I said get two chickens.

Whoops, they're back. Okay, bye.

Come on in.

Do you guys want me to
give a different read?

Congratulations. You got it.

Okay.

Uh...

Does he know?

- He does.
- Okay.

Okay, cool.

Thank you very much.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I got it.
- Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, I know.

Where are you headed?

Uh, Greenpoint.

You want a ride?

No, I was thinking of walking, actually.

That's a long way.

Yeah, that's far. I'll take a ride.

No, Sam, you gotta hit the keyboard
harder throughout this entire song.

You just can't diddle around the keyboard.

That's why you're having
trouble with your girlfriend.

- I don't know what girl likes to be...
- Ms. Lupone?

- Yes?
- Hi, I'm Hannah Horvath.

I'm here from Condé Nast to
do your Strenova interview.

Yeah, I cancelled that.

Nope, I know you cancelled it...

Just five minutes before
we were supposed to do it,

but my boss said that we
need to have it in today,

so I called your publicist and
she mentioned you were here.

How long is it gonna take?

- Five minutes.
- Really?

I would say 15 minutes maximum.

Five to 15 minutes, and then
probably 10 minutes just to wrap up.

- Five minutes.
- Great.

I don't know if they explained to you,

but this is gonna run in the
magazine just like a normal article.

Normal interview with you, picture,

byline, my name, everything,
and then at the bottom,

it's just gonna say
"sponsored by Strenova."

Right, and I have to
mention Strenova, right?

I have to mention the bone density drug.

- Yeah, I know it's a little unnatural...
- Okay, all right.

- But we'll just find a way to work it in.
- Okay.

I'm gonna start with
some background questions.

- Perfect.
- How long have you had osteoporosis?

I don't have osteoporosis.

Okay, well, Strenova's a bone density drug.

Oh, right. Oh, I can't say that.

Yeah, I think we should just find an amount
of time you're comfortable with to say...

- Five years.
- Okay, five years.

- Does that make me sound ancient?
- Not at all.

I think it honestly sounds like you
were an early victim of osteoporosis

and you started treating it soon enough
that you're never gonna have a hunchback.

But can you be an early victim
of... I don't know anything about it.

- You can be an early victim of Alzheimer.
- Right.

So I don't understand why
osteoporosis would be a problem.

No, you're right.

We're just gonna say that you
found it in a routine bone scan

- after a hairline fracture in your ankle.
- Okay, how did I fracture my ankle?

What's your favorite
form of physical exercise?

Sleeping.

Literally no one could
relate to that better than me.

I'm the laziest person I've ever met.

Sometimes I just use my chest as a tray,

but the thing is is that I really think
they just wanna get a sense of, like,

all the different ways you take care of
yourself, and Strenova's just one of them.

- Say I walk my dog.
- Okay, dog.

And his name?

- Pippin.
- Pippin, the dog.

- Pippin, the dog.
- Uh, what is his breed?

Bulldog... French Bulldog.

- They're cute. They're really cute.
- I'll remember that.

I don't need to write that down.

I'm sorry, I have to take this call,

- which is very rude.
- Okay.

Hello?

Baby.

How was it?

No.

No.

Are you serious?

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'm with Patti Lupone right now.

She's only given me seven
minutes so... okay, bye.

I'm so sorry.

That was my boyfriend, and he just got cast

in the revival of "Major
Barbara" on Broadway.

Wow, wow. His first Broadway role.

Whoo.

What?

Well, good luck, 'cause I'll tell you what.

He's going to need you to
support him and forgive him

'cause he's gonna be an asshole.

Hey, bitch, you're taking all the mochi.

Oh, my God. Soo Jin.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.

It's been a really long time.

I know, we're Grannies.

It's gross.

Well, you look gorgeous.

You, too, as always, Lades.
Are you still with booth, or...

- Oh, no, no. I mean, he wasn't, like...
- Yeah, he's a wiener in a half shell.

I'm so glad I quit. The
money was shit anyways.

How about you? What are you up to now?

Well, I finally said, "fuck
it," and, as of next week,

I, like, seriously
D.G.A.F, don't give a fuck!

I'm opening my own gallery.

Are you serious?

It's been such a fucking whirlwind.

Literally don't have time to
breathe, and I'm dirt-poor now.

- It's so sad.
- Well, you went shopping.

Oh, no, this is just a tax write-off.

All my money has been going
to the space and the publicity,

and my parents are ready to murder me,

but it's just so freeing to
be your own boss, you know?

I have my own architect.

I'm like, "where did my youth go?"

I'm sure.

Hey, do you have someone helping you?

Because opening an art
gallery's, like, really hard.

It's a lot harder than anyone thinks,

and I feel like I see galleries opening
and closing every single day in Bushwick.

Oh, no, mine's in noho. Hey, you know what?

You should totally stop by sometime.

I'm really excited for our first show.

It's gonna be super fresh, funky-funny.

Sounds... yeah, maybe I will.

Bye.

- I'm really proud of you.
- Thank you.

Really proud. I just
wanted you to know that.

Thanks.

He's not gonna even know you exist.

Not until the show's
open, not until he's...

if it runs, you know, it runs for,
like, maybe three or four months,

then he's gonna come
back down to earth, maybe.

But is he mature?

I'd say in some ways, he's the
most mature person I've ever met,

and in other ways, he
has not yet been born.

What are you involved with him for?

Does he even understand Shaw?

I... I understand Shaw.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I did a Shaw once. I don't know
what the fuck I was talking about.

Because I'll tell you what.

You get inside of a production... you get
inside of a play with a group of actors,

and they have to be intimate,
they have to know each other,

because they've had relationships,
you know, in the play for maybe years,

so there has to be an intimacy that's
created overnight, and then things happen.

Your boyfriend, if he is sexual in any way,

is gonna start fucking
everybody in the building.

And, don't forget, he's gonna have fans.

I don't think he's gonna have fans.

Honestly, he... can I call you Patti?
He is so funny-looking.

There's a lot of weirdos out there, honey.

You know, the Elephant Man got laid a lot.

"Blue crush" was such an
important movie for women.

Oh, so important. And for
surfers in general, you know?

"I'm gonna surf a pipe, dude."

Hannah, do you have that
Patti Lupone copy I asked for?

Oh, yes, I'm just transcribing
it right now, actually.

Well, not right this minute.

I will have it for you in 50 to 20 minutes.

Great, listen. Also, we have something
going on with the gramercy park hotel.

"16 reasons we'd love
to stay at the gramercy."

I think you'd be great for it.

Oh, amazing. Definitely.

Thank you so much.

The only thing is they need it by
tomorrow, so can you check in tonight?

Yes. One question... is it against
protocol to bring my boyfriend?

'Cause we were planning a
little celebration tonight

'cause he actually got
cast in a Broadway show.

Broadway, huh? Well, have fun.

What the fuck is "have
fun" supposed to mean?

I think it just means you should have fun.

That's it.

Or did she mean, like, "have fun now

because Broadway is the most
seductive of mistresses"?

What? No. Why would it mean that?

I'm sorry. Patti Lupone just
really fucked with my head.

I feel crazy.

- Checks, ladies.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I think they
forgot to take taxes out.

- This does not make sense.
- This your first paycheck?

No, this is the right amount.

This is how much money I make a week?

- Yeah.
- This is a lot more than my rent!

This is insane. I'm just gonna, like, walk
into a store in the meatpacking district

and just be like, "make it rain."

Sweet Emma, everybody.

Come get your baby shoes.

Fucking no.

My Will-o'-Wisp.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Darling, don't be vulgar.

You know I hate it when you're vulgar.

Don't need to be vulgar to make your point.

What a charming situation you have.

Oh, my God.

Beautiful little dust
bowl orphan. I love it.

- How on earth did you find me?
- I came looking for you.

I walked all the way to the
address that you gave me.

I even threw little stones at your window

until some teensy-tiny
little moppet opened up,

looked out, and said,
"are you there to rape me?"

Oh, Shoshanna. Fucking Shoshanna.

Are you angry with me because
it's taken me so long to find you?

Are you insane?

Can you not see how well I'm doing?

I have a job, I eat lunch every day,
and I make transactions and I get paid.

Look at you, Jessamyn.
You're trying so hard.

Don't you see this is just pretend?

- No, no. I'm healthy.
- No, no, no.

I'm healthy, and the last thing I
need is to be hanging out with you.

You can lie to your friends,
you can lie to your parents,

you can lie to the mirror,
but you can't lie to me

because I see who you truly are.

Oh, really? And who's that?

You're a wild thing. You can't be tamed.

I mean, we are not the kind of people
that sit around in a store like this

selling $200 bathing suits to toddlers.

That's not who we are.

- You're high.
- No, no, no.

I'm just excited to be in
New York and to see you.

I know what you need. Come away with me.

I know what you need.

I'm not even attracted to you.

- Ooh, even better.
- I would...

- No!
- Yes!

I was wearing rehab goggles.

Holy crap. This is so nice.

It's not that nice. How much
do you get in incidentals?

- What are those?
- You need somebody to explain to you

your new moneyed lifestyle,
and I'm happy to be that person.

Okay, let's order a bunch
of stuff that Adam loves,

then make a big-ass sign.

Just calm down. The room's enough.

But he's gonna be on Broadway.

I know.

I have to admit, I never
thought he'd be the first.

- The first what?
- To fulfill his dream.

Well, that's not true.

We've all fulfilled various
dreams in various ways.

Also, I'm getting so sick of people acting
like Adam's newfound success in this arena

is gonna come between us.

I didn't say that. Why
are you acting weird?

I could not be acting more normal.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe that you
have a room at the gramercy.

Do you know they have Mario badescu
products in the bathroom here?

I am totally stealing some of those.

What are we celebrating?

- Adam's gonna be on Broadway.
- Oh, my God.

Are you afraid he's gonna
leave you for Sutton Foster?

- Ooh.
- What the fuck is with everybody?

No.

I'm in a shitty mood.

You know, every morning I
wake up feeling really good,

feeling like I'm ready to take on the day.

Like, I don't know, I want to
fucking say good morning to strangers.

Shit I usually hate.

And then, without fail,

something happens at the yogurt shop
that really just fucks my shit up.

Ruins my whole day.

By the way, your Netflix came.

"Bridget Jones 2"? Seriously?

I can't do this.

What do you mean?

I mean...

I don't want to do this.

Um...

I want a girlfriend, Marnie.

Like, a legitimate girlfriend.

You know, I want to have
a relationship that's deep

and sincere and challenging and scary.

Not, you know...

I want it to be real.

I want to meet a girl that
I have a lot in common with

and ask her out and learn about her family
on a park bench in the middle of the night.

And if things go really well,
maybe invite her back to my place

and put on some roxy music.

You know?

So, you're dumping me?

Are you fucking serious?

You can't break up with me, Ray.
I don't care about this.

I wouldn't be eating pizza in front
of you if I actually liked you.

I realize this doesn't
make sense biologically...

was this your plan the whole time, Ray?

To humiliate the girl that you
couldn't get in high school?

Well, guess what? It's not gonna
fucking work because I don't care.

Hello?

Jesus fucking Christ.

- Hello?
- Congratulations!

What the fuck is...

- You're a nut.
- You're a nut for the stage.

- I love you.
- Congratulations.

That's really sweet.

Hannah, this is Desi. He's playing...

- Bill Walker?
- Yes.

- You just look like such a Bill Walker.
- Thanks.

I'm just a crazy "Major Barbara" fan

and kind of obsessed with Shaw in general.

Oh, smart girl.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi, sorry, I recognize you

from your part on "One Tree Hill."

You were Lennon, the
disabled gay hockey player.

Yes, yeah. Super lucky part.

I'm not what you would
call a "One Tree Hill" fan,

but I have seen every episode,

and you really just are taking
up their game a notch.

Thank you. Thanks.

So, I'm in Idaho, back country,

all I have is a saddle blanket,
buck knife, some water I packed in,

and I realize that it's
my mom's birthday, right?

Now, I fucked up loads of stuff in my life,

I'm not gonna forget my mom's birthday.

- You wouldn't do that.
- You would never do that.

All of a sudden, I see a structure.

Maybe it's a fire tower or some kind
of ranger station, long forgotten.

- I don't understand...
- Shh.

Okay. Okay.

And just as I get through
the door, I almost step on...

Congratulations, Adam.
Oh, my God, so exciting.

Are you, uh, okay?

Me? Yeah, so good.

I'm just gonna run to the restroom.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Ha! That is a fucking closet.

Okay, I don't know what I'm
in trouble for now, but...

So there I am on a sort of vision quest...

Marn?

Come in.

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

- Are you sure?
- Dead sure.

Okay, what's wrong?

I can't tell you.

Are they fucking kidding me?

I hate myself for loving him.

So after shows, you can really
only go, like, two places.

You can go to the glass house
tavern or you can go to bar centrale.

Bar centrale is really more for, like,

the famous, you know, stars of the show,

and then glass house is more
for, like, the chorus kids.

And also one time I read this interview
with Sarah Jessica Parker in "backstage,"

and she was saying that
it's super important

to learn the names of all of the crew.

And, if you can, like,
a couple of their wives

because it means a lot to those people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't you get tired of
going to the bar afterwards

when you wanna go home and get some...

No, that's, like, part of the...

I mean, that's where you
meet people and stuff.

That's where one time I saw
tyne daly get super drunk

and fall down a flight of stairs.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, fuck.
- I know, right? It's pretty awesome.

Hannah?

You know, your voice is really...

I'm trying to summon
the right adjective here.

- Grating? Is that what...
- No, come on.

No.

- I love that song.
- Oh, yeah.

- I love Michelle Branch.
- Dylan.

Yeah, Dylan too.

I'd love to hear some more of your music.

- Do you write?
- Um, yeah. Really, do you...

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay, I, uh... if I give
you my email address,

then you can shoot me
an email so I have yours,

and then I'll just email you my
Dropbox folder of my latest attempts.

See? "Attempts." Don't do that.
Seriously. Don't deprecate yourself.

Really, you're better than that.

Okay.

I don't know if Hannah's told you, but I'm
really trying to make a concerted effort

to break out of the
contemporary dance world,

and if you could maybe
give me an introduction

to the Broadway world, that'd be great.

I mean, the closest I've gotten is, you
know, a hand job from a guy from "Pippin,"

- so it's like... yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

That's me.

All right, I should really hit the trail.

My Clementine's making paella tonight.

- Is that a song?
- No, that's like a...

like a valencian rice seafood dish.

Oh, it just sounded like a folk song.

I thought they were
folk lyrics or something.

"Gotta hit the trail, my
Clementine's making paella tonight."

No, that's, like, one of
those big four-hander pans,

so I gotta help take it off.

Oh, okay.

Roll on, John.

If you ever need any, you know,
help, if you have questions

- about figuring out what's what.
- You know, I don't.

I think I'm good.

I don't really want to
be a part of the scene.

The Broadway scene?

Any scene.

Well, don't come crying to me

when Kristin chenoweth passes
out 'cause you forgot to feed her.

- Here's Johnny!
- Yeah!

- Hi, I'm Jasper. Hi, hi.
- Oh, hey.

- Hi, hi.
- Shosh, so great to... Mwah... see you!

Oh, hi.

I know everybody's
name because she told me.

Buck.

- Uh, Obadiah.
- Yep.

- Uh, Janet.
- Mm-hmm.

- Raquel, Snoop.
- Yep.

Hazel. See? Told ya.

- Come on.
- Pretty good.

So we maybe shouldn't have
taken her out of rehab.

- Higher education is elitist horseshit...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Perpetrated by a bunch of privileged hacks

who think accumulating degrees
amounts to a meaningful life.

I know, I know.

But, like, I am out of
there in three weeks.

Like, I am done, I am
graduating, I am done with that.

They say they're teaching you to think,

but really they're teaching you
to think like everybody else.

I know! I know! It's like,
literally, I swear to God,

sometimes I feel like I
am in "The Truman Show,"

but it's, like, really just
a walking American Apparel Ad

and I don't even know it.

Too late for you, then, poor baby.

- Have you got any cocaine?
- No, I don't do cocaine.

But you're clearly on cocaine.

Oh, no, everybody thinks that,

but I just have really chronic congestion

and, like, a terribly fast mouth.

Is this living or is
this living, my flower?

- This is living.
- Oh.

Uh, have you got more coke?

Have you got more money?

No, but I know where to get some.

- You do?
- Yes! I do, I do, I do.

Yes! Can you believe I remembered that?

- Shh, okay, okay, okay.
- You're a legend.

Shh.

No.

No.

Oh, my God.

Who keeps their money in a shoebox?

We will.

Oh, my God.

Okay, all right, all right. That's good.

Elijah talks a lot
about really stupid shit.

Okay, well, maybe that's what I think

about that weird folk-singing
grifter you brought over.

- Desi?
- "Desi"? Yeah.

- What?
- Yeah, I found him irksome.

You don't have to say
that to get revenge on me.

I'm not gonna say something
to get revenge on you.

This isn't like "count of Monte Cristo."

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of you.

I don't know how to say this without
it coming out sounding horrible.

I don't want you to get so, um...

Happy doing the play that you...

Don't like our life together anymore.

Are you upset I'm doing the play?

No.

No.

I'm so happy you're
doing what makes you happy

because I love you and you're
the only person I've ever loved

and you're the only
person I ever wanna love.

Well, Ditto.

Okay, good.

Then...

Do your lines.

- No.
- Do your lines.

No.

- No.
- Please?

- I don't wanna.
- Please, please?

"Not that kind of snob,
but a genteel sort."

- Can you do it with the accent, please?
- "I'm too..."

"Not that kind of snob,
but the genteel sort."

No.

"I'm too uppish, owing to my intelligence,

and my father being a chartist and a
reading, thinking man... a stationer, too.

I am none of your common hewers
of wood and drawers of water.

And don't you forget it."

It's so good.

You're so good at that.

www.tvsubtitles.net