Girls (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - On All Fours - full transcript

Pressure from Hannah's aggressive publisher (John Cameron Mitchell) and a looming deadline further jeopardize Hannah's mental state. Adam and his new girlfriend have their first ...

But you have to
be honest and tell me.

Did you actually
like the movie?

No, yeah, I did.

Sandra Bullock, or whatever,

is very charming.

I only wish the best for her.

Well, I thought
it was romantic.

Oh, except I hated-- I hated
that one bathroom joke.

- Oh, yeah.
- "Oh, yeah"?

No, you laughed.
I heard you.

- Me?
- Yes, you.



No-ho-ho-ho.

I'm ready to have sex now.

- Are you? - Yeah, I mean, I've just
been thinking about it,

and you've been
really nice all week, so...

Okay.

I mean, we can do it,
you know, if you want.

No, I want to.
I-- I didn't--

- but only if you--
- No, I do.

Yeah, I do.

- I'm on the pill...
- Okay.

but will you come outside
of me just in case?

And I don't like to be
on top that much

or soft touching 'cause it tickles
me and takes me out of the moment,

but everything else is okay.



I just wanna take
things kinda slow.

I will do all of those things.

Okay.

Just tell me when
you want me to start.

Oh, if we kiss for a little
bit longer, I should be okay.

I like how clear
you are with me.

What other way is there?

- Honey.
- Thank you.

- Hi, David.
- Hannah, honey, honey, Hannah.

- Hey.
- It's been how long?

Oh, like, at least two weeks.

Oh, my God.
It's great to see you.

- I've really missed you.
- Bob, three chais.

And have you been working out?

- Oh, yeah.
- Stop that.

I'll see you later.

These pages, hon.

I have to admit
I didn't finish them.

But not because
I didn't have time.

It's because I didn't want to.

- Okay.
- And I don't mean that as a criticism.

It's just that I felt that I
didn't know who was writing them.

I wrote them.

Hannah, did your
hymen grow back?

- No.
- Where's the sexual failure?

Where's the pudgy face slicked
with semen and sadness?

What I'm getting here
is a lot of friendship.

You know,
it's very Jane Austen.

But, you know, we were
talking about Anais Nin.

You know, your life
on your back, right?

I mean-- that's actually
a great title.

"My Life on My Back."

Well, I also wrote
about 200 other pages

which I didn't think
were good enough to send you,

- but if you wanted me to just...
- Yeah.

- dust those off and--
- I can't wait to not read those.

Okay, well, I did have sex
with a teenager last month

and I'm willing
to talk about it.

I would love
to hear about that.

I was scared that maybe it was the kind
of thing you could get arrested for.

But that's the kind of stuff
we need, you know what I--

In fact, I just had
an epiphany.

If you're not getting fucked
right now, make it up.

Can you make it a novel?

Okay, so,
we have white sugar,

and brown sugar,
and then Splenda.

And I know you like
Equal sometimes,

but I don't have it,
but it's totally fine

because I can go ask my
neighbor Vivian if you want it.

No, this is--this is perfect.
Thank you.

- What's with all the geisha shit?
- What?

Um, what? I just want
to take care of you

because you're my boyfriend
and I care about you.

Why? What? Is something
wrong with that?

Do you think
that's super weird?

- What's wrong with you?
- No, no, it's wonderful. It's really nice.

Um, yeah.

- It's really nice.
- Shosh, come here for a second.

- So, that's that.
- Hey, Shosh.

Hey, sorry.

Okay?
I'm sorry.

That's a first.

What, saying I'm sorry?

Yeah, you don't apologize. You're famous for it.

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's Marnie.
She's writing a song.

She's following her dream.

- Hey, Patti LuPone.
- Excuse me?

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Um, do you know anything
about "GarageBand,"

- the application?
- Yeah.

I've been known to dabble
in the Macintosh arts, yeah.

Could you help me lay down
this track just really quickly?

No.

Absolutely not.

Ray, help her lay down a track.

Please?
Come on.

Okay.

- All right.
- Okay, so I have a click track,

but it comes with that.

But I kind of want
a bassoon, maybe drums.

But I don't want too much fill.

Did you just say "bassoon"?

No!

Oh, my God.

Artificial sweeteners
will rot in your insides.

I know, but that other
stuff's gonna make me fat.

I'd rather you be
fat and healthy.

Thank you.

- What time do you get off work?
- At 5:00.

And then my friend Angie

is having this party
for her engagement.

So I'm gonna go buy her
something, then go--

- Are boys allowed or...?
- Yeah.

Lots of girls are bringing
their boyfriends.

- I'm your boyfriend.
- I know.

Maybe you should
just have sex with him.

I'm not sure it feels right.

I mean, I might just like him
for his beach house.

Yeah.

- Would you hold on one second?
- Sure.

What's up?
What are you doing here?

Are you kidding?

What?

We had concrete lunch plans.

Oh.

Shit, dude.
I totally forgot.

Yeah, dude. I waited for
you for 45 minutes.

- Hey.
- Hey, I have to take this guy in.

My gears are totally shot.

- Okay.
- But I'll see you later?

- Yeah, cool.
- Congratulations again.

Oh, thank you, Marla.

I'm so sorry.

- So you just forgot?
- Yeah.

Things are just
really crazy here today.

Forbid, we hit 20,000 MAUs

and then everyone was just
like, "Oh, fuck, we did it."

What is an MAU?

It's just
Monthly Average Users.

And, I guess, amidst
all the craziness today

I just spaced out about lunch.

Okay, okay.

Uh... oh, actually--

hey, we're actually
gonna be having

a party here tonight
to celebrate.

- The MAUs?
- Yes, exactly.

And you should come.

It'll be fun.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Come.

Okay.

- All right?
- You'd better be there.

I have to.
I will be here.

Okay.

All right.

Gah.

- Hey, hey.
- Mom, I did something really bad

and I really stuck
a Q-tip far down my ear.

All right, slow down, hon--
look, it's Dad.

- Okay? Slow down. Slow down, honey.
- I think I'm deaf forever.

I can't 'cause I heard air
hiss out the hole.

I heard air hiss out of it

and I think
I really messed it up.

What's going on?

It seems Hannah
stuffed a Q-tip

very deep into her ear hole.

- Is that accurate, Hannah?
- Nothing smaller than an elbow in there, ever.

That's it. Nothing--
did you hear your mom?

- Ever.
- Ever.

I have to go to the hospital.

What's she saying?

- The hospital.
- Oh, my--

Who's going with you, baby?

Who's gonna go with you, honey?

Uh, any one of my, like,

12 to 15 very close friends.

That's not why I called you.

Hannah, don't mosey.
Go to the hospital!

Well, you must be
feeling pretty silly.

What, were you
digging for gold?

The Q-tip is still in.

I'm not blind, my dear.

How deep were you going?

I was having a little
trouble hearing, so--

Well, nothing like
you're having right now.

Well, I'm gonna look
into your ear now, okay?

- Mm-hmm, thank you.
- Hold still.

Okay.

I've just been having
a little trouble

- with my mental state.
- You're kidding.

These days, I just--
I have a lot of anxiety,

and I didn't think that
stress was affecting me,

but it actually is,
and so I'm not saying

this was an accident,
but I was just trying

to clean myself out
and I got a little bit...

Well, I can't see much
down your ear.

There's too much blood.

- Okay.
- I'd say it's an abrasion.

An abraded drum.

If you're still having
a problem hearing

by the day after tomorrow,

- you should see a specialist.
- Okay.

Do you think maybe you could
clean the other one out?

Just because it's feeling
a little uneven.

I don't clean ears, my dear.

I'm just going to put
some antibiotic drops.

If you'll lie
on your side, please.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Maybe you could just look at the
other one, not even clean it?

Ah, there's nothing wrong
with the other one.

It's starting to hurt so bad.

Really?
That bad?

Really bad.

Oh, it doesn't,
it doesn't, it doesn't.

There.

Can I keep the Q-tip?

Certainly.
I suggest you frame it.

♪ Okay, I'm Rambo, I ramshack ♪

♪ I'm next to that cheese
like rat traps ♪

♪ On top of that green
like grass ass ♪

♪ That's over your head
like snapbacks ♪

♪ I get it where I fit in,
put up, then I put in ♪

♪ Tryin'a find a ass I can
put my fuckin' foot in ♪

♪ Run this shit,
no, run this shit ♪

♪ Don't give one fuck, bitch,
I done this shit ♪

♪ I did what I say I did ♪

♪ Did not fabricate one bit ♪

♪ I have been the fucking realest
since my exit near the clit ♪

♪ Yeah, that's where
I was born, fuck what you on ♪

♪ All about me, bitch,
fuck what you doin' ♪

♪ Round of applause,
bitches... ♪

Charlie, hi!

Oh.

Your office is, like,
stupidly grown-up.

- Bye.
- Bye, Marissa. Thanks.

Like, grown-ups
do work here.

No, I know. A lot of
grown-ups, but it's cool.

A little bougie,
don't you think?

It's, you know--
it's just beer and pizza.

Right, the people's food.

I'm not doing this
with you, man.

Are some of the women
here prostitutes?

Anyways, Marnie told us
about the "amus."

Uh, congratulations.

We are both, like,
exceedingly happy for you.

Oh, my God. 20,000?
Like, that's insane.

I'm gonna get a shitty beer.

Do you guys want anything?
You already have one, I see.

I'm good, I have my own shitty beer.
Thanks, dude.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, I do not know
why he's acting this way.

He's Ray.

You know?
And that's how he is.

Yeah, he's Ray,
and that's how he is.

I didn't mean that offensively.

- No, I know.
- Okay. That was weird.

Okay, I don't want this
to be awkward,

but, like, you look amazing.

Like, seriously, you could have
sex with any girl at this party,

including me.

Oh, my God.

Hey, come on,
you need to see--

No, don't.
Come on.

I know some of these
people from high school,

and the rest of them I know
from Angie's college.

Mm, good people?

Uh, mostly, yeah.
Yeah.

Oh, look, do you mind if I
drink some wine a little bit?

- Fuck, no.
- Are you sure?

Because my mom-- she sometimes
gets weird when I drink,

so I just wanna make sure...

- Well, I'm not your mom.
- Well, that's good.

That's really good.
Okay.

- Hi, Ange! Hi!
- Nat, oh, hi.

- Is this he?
- Yes, this is him.

Oh, it is so good
to meet you, Adam.

- You as well.
- Oh, thank you.

Congratulations.

Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.

It means the world.

Well, I hope you know
how special she is,

how much we all love her,

and how angry we'd all be
if you ever hurt her.

I'm sorry, in my world that would
be like hurting Mother Teresa.

Really?

Except Mother Teresa
didn't blow my cousin.

It was a long time ago.

But we love this fucking girl.

I'm gonna go get
something to drink.

Do you want, like, a seltzer?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm gonna come with.

- Oh, great.
- Okay.

Um, I'm sorry, he has the face

of an old-timey
criminal.

What are you talking about?

No, he looks like Peter Pan.

How pissed are we
to be missing the game?

Oh, yeah, fuck.

Have you seen Charlie?

Do you see my girlfriend
just throwing herself

at Bazooka Joe over there?

Yeah, restaurants
are, like--

I guess they're
just my passion.

And going out
to dinner's, like,

just part of who I am.

That's so--
that's a great part.

That's great.

I don't know what
you're talking about, Ray.

Skip it.

- Oh, hey, Maggie.
- Hey.

So, listen, on a scale
of one to 10,

how good do you think
my voice actually is?

I already told
you it's good, okay?

It's good. Don't make
me say it again.

But, like, is it really good?

I kinda need
to know, like, now,

because I have something really
special planned for tonight and...

Marnie, it's great, okay?

Your voice is great.
It's Katy Perry great.

What is that
supposed to mean?

I love Katy Perry.

Oh, quite sorry.

Adam?

Shit, Hannah, hi.

Hi.

I guess we're probably
not really huggers.

Nuh-uh, but hi.

God, it's always so weird
running into somebody

that you know outside...
by accident.

It's like once when
I was in middle school,

my mom and I saw one
of my teachers at Kroger's

and I was just like,
"Mom, what is she doing here?"

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I'm, um...

my girlfriend's friend
got engaged.

Your girlfriend, wow.

You have a girlfriend.

The kind of girlfriend
whose friends get engaged,

so she must be--
what's her name?

Nat-- uh, Natalia.

Oh, that's a cool name.

That's like a relaxed--

it's a cool girl name.

Yeah, I like it, too.
She's great.

Well, I'm coming
from the hospital

because I shoved this Q-tip
down my ear hole.

Jesus fucking Christ, kid.
Be careful.

"Kid."

It's very nice...
to hear you say that.

It's, uh...

gives me a weird...
feeling.

All right, I'm gonna
head back inside.

It was good seeing you.

You should get some rest.
You look pretty tired.

And put some pants on.

Well, I'm gonna get some rest,

but, um, I also
am working on my book.

I'm polishing up my book.

That's great.

All right,
I'll catch you later.

- Do you know that part of town?
- Sure.

- My parents still live there.
- Oh, really?

Did you hear that?
Mets are up three-two.

No. I'm gonna have a Jack
and ginger, actually.

Sure.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

I wanna be able to have
a nice time with you.

I should be able
to show you a nice time.

Uh, two Jack
and gingers, please.

♪ I'm a tulip in a cup ♪

♪ I stand no chance
of growing up ♪

♪ I've made my peace,
I'm dead, I'm done ♪

♪ I watch you live
to have my fun ♪

♪ I root for you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You, you, you, you ♪

♪ I root for you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You, you, you. ♪

♪ Girls, girls... ♪

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey. I was wondering if you could just switch...

Go right ahead. Yeah.

Great. And just put that in there.

And then you can just
go ahead and hit "play."

- Okay.
- Just give me a second.

I just have
a couple things to say.

Um, hello.
How's everybody doing?

My name is Marnie.

Hi! Aw, how's it going?

Listen, I'm a friend of--
an old friend of Charlie's.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.

And I just wanted to say
how proud I am

of you and all of you.

This is such a big deal.
Congratulations.

I've planned a little bit
of a treat,

- a surprise for you guys this evening...
- Don't.

just to celebrate this premature
success you've all had.

Really-- I mean, this song
is really meaningful to me.

- I didn't do this.
- I hope you have the same reaction.

And you can press "play."

♪ Work it, make it, do it ♪

♪ Makes us harder, better,
faster, stronger ♪

♪ That-- that--
that don't kill me... ♪

- Oh, my God.
- ♪ Can only make me stronger ♪

♪ I need you to hurry up now ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't wait
much longer ♪

♪ Let's get lost tonight ♪

♪ You can be my white
Kate Moss tonight ♪

♪ Play secretary,
you're the boss tonight ♪

♪ And you don't give a fuck
what they all say, right? ♪

♪ Bow in the presence
of greatness ♪

♪ 'Cause right now
thou hast forsaken us ♪

♪ You should be honored
by my lateness ♪

♪ That I would even show up
to this fake shit ♪

♪ So go ahead, go nuts,
go apeshit ♪

♪ 'Specially my Pastels
and my Bape shit... ♪

She's still going.

♪ I know I got
to be right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't get
much wronger ♪

♪ Man, I been waitin'
all night now ♪

♪ That's how long
I've been on ya. ♪

Congrats on the 20,000,
you guys, really.

Congratulations.

Whoo!

Guys, wasn't that
fuckin' awesome?

- Where are we going?
- ♪ I've got my eyes on the prize ♪

♪ And I'm ready
to cash it in... ♪

Should I be embarrassed?

You don't have to try to make
me feel better or anything.

No, no, don't worry.
I wasn't going to.

Oh.

Dude, you've got to get
your shit together, okay?

You're flailing.

I've never even seen you
like this before.

- It wasn't that bad.
- It wasn't good.

It's like you're manic.

It's like I don't know
what's going on with you.

Like all that shit
that went down with Booth.

What can I do to help?

Oh, my God.
No.

No, no, no.
I'm fine.

I'm really good, actually.

And sometimes being really good
all the time feels really bad.

But I'm on a journey.

It's my journey,

and I am okay.

And please don't pity me.

- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

It feels fucking terrible.

- Are people gonna see us?
- Who gives a fuck?

Yeah.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, what's going on here?

What? Nothing. I just have
to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, of course you do.
Why are you avoiding me?

Um, I'm not.
I'm socializing.

I'm sorry if that's
not working for you,

my social
butterfly-ness.

Hey, you've been
acting weird-- hey, look.

You've been acting really
weird for a few days now.

- Um...
- Really weird.

And tonight, it's some sort of
fucking nadir of the whole cycle.

- What's going on?
- I've not been acting weird.

I've not been acting weird.
What does "nadir" mean?

Please, level with me.
Are you sick of me?

Do I smell? Am I too
fucking tall for you?

No, no.
What? No.

I mean, none of those things.
You're not even that tall.

Then why are you acting
as though some alien

has just stepped out
of a spacecraft

for the first time
and decided to use

Shoshanna's body
as a fucking vessel?

I did something bad!

What?

I'm really sorry
and it didn't mean anything,

but I held the doorman's hand.

- You held the doorman's hand?
- I know, I'm sorry.

It's terrible and now you
probably think I'm a whore

and you wanna break up with me.

Do you still wanna be with me?

Mm-hmm.

Come here,
you big fuckin' weirdo.

I love you so much.

Oh, good.

Well, what's it for?

- I'm going somewhere.
- Yeah?

Where are you going?

I don't know yet.
You could come.

Adventure on the Hudson.

Maybe the Mississippi.

I don't know, it's like when you
first get your driver's license--

endless possibilities.

Well, I think you need
a little bit of help...

organizing.

You know, this place
is just, um...

I don't know, it's depressing.

It's just-- it's darker
than you are, you know?

Does it make you feel
differently about me?

No.

No.

Hey.

Get on all fours.

What?

Get on...

all fours.

Crawl to my bedroom.

Okay.

I'm crawling.

I, like, want Purell so
badly right now it's crazy.

Oh, my God,
this place is a filth.

There's, like, nails and shit
all over the--

Okay, so, um...

what is it you're
going for exactly?

I wanna fuck you from behind.

Hit the walls of you.

Okay.

Oh, I, uh...

No--

Look, I didn't take
a shower today, so--

That's fine.
Relax.

You like my house?

Uh-huh.

You like the way I look?

Uh... huh.

You really like me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, no. No, not--
not on my dress.

I don't think I liked that.

I'm so sorry. I don't
know what came over me.

I, like, really
didn't like that.

Jesus, I feel dizzy.

Is this it?
Are you done with me?

♪ Don't wanna be free of hope ♪

♪ And I'm at the end
of my rope ♪

♪ It's so tough
just to be alive ♪

♪ When I feel like
the living dead ♪

♪ I'm giving it up so plain ♪

♪ I'm living my life in vain ♪

♪ And where
am I going to? ♪

♪ Hoo hoo... ♪

♪ I don't know where
is up or down ♪

♪ And there ain't any love
left around ♪

♪ Everybody wearin' a frown ♪

♪ Waiting for Santa
to come to town ♪

♪ You're giving it up
so plain ♪

♪ You're living
your lives in vain ♪

♪ And where
am I going to? ♪

♪ Hoo hoo. ♪