Girls (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too - full transcript

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

HANNAH: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

That is the cutest thing I've ever seen
in my whole life.

I was an amazing child.

Could you fly?

Could I what?

Could you fly?

Could you fly?

No, I couldn't fly, but then again,
I didn't have ears that big.

- Now you're gonna get it.
- (LAUGHING)

I was joking. I was joking.



Too bad, 'cause this is gonna hurt you
more than it does me.

You were a beautiful baby.

(SKYSCRAPER PLAYING)

(BAG RUSTLING)

(CRUNCHING)

(SIGHS)

- (HANNAH MOANS)
- ADAM: Oh, God.

HANNAH: Oh, my God.

ADAM: Would you have fucked
a four-year-old me?

HANNAH: I was only two.

ADAM: How fat were you? Be honest.

- (HANNAH MOANING)
- (BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING)

HANNAH: Oh, my God.
ADAM: That's what I thought.

- You were probably a really late walker.
- Oh, my God.



ADAM: And you were probably
toilet trained really late.

HANNAH: Oh, God. Oh, my God.

HANNAH: Oh.
ADAM: Go, go, go, go, go.

HANNAH: I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

One more time. (MOANING)

ADAM: That was fast.

HANNAH: Thank you.
ADAM: Thank you.

- You'll feel it soon.
- I won't.

(PANTING) I told you, okay,
endorphins don't work on me,

and anyone who's ever promised me
a runner's high is full of bullshit.

(PANTING)

- Okay, no, no, no, no.
- This is embarrassing.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- You go on without me.

You just gotta reach
your threshold and run past it.

- Come on, high-five me.
- Your hands are, like, 10 feet from me.

So catch the fuck up! High-five me!

- Come on!
- I don't like this, Adam.

- Yes, yes.
- I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Fuck, yes. I fucking love it.
Hannah, you're doing awesome.

- I hate this!
- That's great.

- This'll change your life, I swear it.
- Whoo! Into what?

Whoa, pace yourself, kid. Pace yourself.

Wow. No. Wow.

What the fuck? Get up.
You're, like, three blocks from your house!

You could hop home.

No, get up!

Come on!

Charlie's in the bushes!

Charlie's in the bushes! Come on!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.

- Fucker. What?
- Look.

The ice-cream truck
is parked directly in front of my house.

- It's like life is a dream.
- Oh, shit.

- What?
- I don't do ice cream. It's like sweet mucus.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Yes.

- I mean, you can have some, though.
- Do you have any cash'?

Look at me,
I'm not even wearing any underwear.

- Where would I put cash?
- I'm not wearing any underwear either.

- Hey.
- MAN: Hey.

She'll show you her tits
if you give her some ice cream.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- Yes, you will.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- Just kidding. I have $5.

Mmm-mmm.

If you don't like ice
cream, what do you like?

I like you.

I'm done with these.

(SHORTS THUD SO FTLY)

(EMPHATICALLY) Hello.

- HANNAH: Marn, you okay?
- Of course I am.

What, I can't just, like,
catch up on some stuff

from the comfort of my own bed
on a weekend morning?

Okay, well, is it Charlie stuff?

He and Audrey went to Rome.
They went to fucking Rome.

She had a work trip to Milan and then
they took a couple of days in Rome.

And he was making all those wishes
at those, like, overrated fountains

and they took a bajillion pictures of it.

- This is your ex-boyfriend?
- Yes.

And you still wanna tap that?

Well, we were seriously involved
for four years

and I am now dealing
with the deeply painful fact

that I'm probably not
gonna end up with him.

Okay, you never wanted to end up with him.

Hannah, don't minimize.

- That shit's really hard.
- Sorry.

ADAM: I'm sorry to hear
you're going through that.

Thank you.

When I broke up with my girlfriend
from college, so sad.

I lost 30 pounds. I couldn't move
or talk or get my dick hard,

but it also made me go,
"Hey, who am I and what do I want?"

Then I was like, boom, "I know who I am."

I wanted to switch majors
and buy a circular saw,

and I promised myself
that I'd follow my gut no matter what.

And I'd do what makes me feel good.

What makes you feel good?

I like reading.

(CHORTLES)

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- HANNAH: Oh, here.

- Okay, we gotta jet out. We gotta go to tech.
- Okay.

Yo, skank. Where you at?
Gettin' that pussy pounded?

- It's my sister.
- Oh.

No one's ever taken me
to their tech rehearsal before.

(LAUGHS)

You just say, "Tech."

Sorry that I don't know all the terms.

I'm just a little bit nervous to see it,
you know'?

- Like, are you nervous to have me see it?
- No.

I'm really excited for you to see it because
I'm really good at acting and writing.

Plus, the play could be really good.

Ew.

Ga)!

- What?
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hello? Who is it?

It's Jessa. Let me in.
My thighs are on fire.

- Hi.
- Oh, my God.

Ugh! My thighs are really rubbing together
like nobody's business.

It's like they're red and
raw and burning hot.

Feels like I had an epic
fuckfest with a ghost.

I just wish I had a wheelchair
for June and July.

Hannah isn't here. She left with Adam.

But we had a plan.

She knew that I lost my job
and she was gonna console me today.

Yeah, well, get used to it.

I mean, she hasn't really been very good
about keeping many plans these days,

or really any days.

Actually, she's always been flaky
about keeping plans.

And then, like, apologizing for it
like you're gonna shoot her.

Have you ever noticed
when she gets dressed up,

she'll, like, put on a good dress
and nice shoes

and then, like, do her lipstick

and then will, like, leave
her forehead shiny?

- Yes. Yeah.
- Right?

It's like,
"You've come this far. Wash your forehead."

"Wash your forehead."
I know. It would be very easy.

Maybe now that she has this boyfriend,
she'll start taking better care of herself.

What's the deal with that guy?

Is he, like, a great thinker
or just a total fucking idiot?

I don't know, he's not, like, un-nice
or anything. He's just fucking weird.

Like, I walked
into the bathroom the other day

I kid you not, he was sitting there,
taking a shit

and drinking milk at the same time,
and just stared at me.

That kind of a person would just totally
masturbate in front of anyone any day.

Ew. I'm sure you're right.
I don't know, I just feel bad for her.

She's never had a normal boyfriend
that's not gay, you know?

I don't know, maybe she just
doesn't realize how bizarre he is.

You look really gorgeous.

I love you all stripped down.

I've never been this miserable in my life.

It's totally working.

No, okay.

It's my first day of the sixth grade.

Mmm, I don't know where to sit.

I just moved to town last week

and I've spent every day
since either reading in my hammock

or jerking off, which I just learned to do.

And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who
knows how to perform this awesome trick.

You just pull your wiener till it's hard
and suddenly, it's a cock.

And I know everyone in bio class
is looking at me

because who else is 6'3"
when they're 12 years old?

I smell like sweat.

I smell like a gerbil as I sit down

and try hard to make eye contact
with Shelby Carruthers.

Hey! I like your pen.

Did you get it at the mall?
It's not a regular pen, right?

She got up and moved five chairs down

and didn't talk to me again
for five years until junior year

when I fucked her on the strip of lawn
between the liquor store and the dog salon.

And the whole time, I was seeing that pen,

its pink, fuzzy end moving through the air.

"That'll teach you. That'll teach you.
That'll teach you."

I haven't figured the rest of that bit out,
Gavin, so we can skip to the canoe part.

I haven't been on this
river in a long time.

(BEATBOXES)

Yo, yo, yo, I love Boy Scout camp.

Who says we be gettin'
too old for this shit?

(BEATBOXING)

I love s 'mores.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- What?

- That's not what we talked about.
- Well, I changed it a little.

It's an easy joke, the wigger joke.

Everyone laughs at the white guy
doing the black voice.

I'm just trying to bring
some comedy to it, man.

All the stuff you've been doing
is, like, rejection and date rape.

Real shit.

Gavin, there was a lot of complex stuff
being expressed

in what you wrote, a lot of pathos.

Give people a chance to process that.

Don't be afraid that if they're not
laughing, they're not feeling.

Look, you owe it to yourself
to try stripping that thing down a little.

Maybe just one "yo."

And throw some of the lines away a little
and lose that hat.

You're a hero, man.

You keep me honest. Seriously, thank you.

No problem.

- We'll work on it tomorrow.
- No, I don't think so.

What?

I just don't think this is my thing.

Are you for real'? We open in two weeks.

Yeah, I'm for real. Good luck with it, man.

- You're serious?
- Yeah, I'm fucking serious.

You can't do this to me, Adam.

I invested 2,000 bucks.

I can't get that back.
You didn't invest anything.

Yeah, I did, my time.

And I can't get my time back,
so I guess we're even.

It's just, like, fucking people.

Shit, I met him.

He tells me he's down to do one kind of thing
and it's another kind of fucking thing.

If I knew he was gonna bust out that "yo,
yo, yo" shit, I would've stayed home.

I really liked your monologue.

Like, maybe you could use it
for something else.

Anyway, it's for the best.
I need to focus on building my boat.

You know, people don't always get it
right on the first try.

Like, you have to teach them how to
please you or you have to compromise.

Not in your art.
That shouldn't be a compromise.

- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (HORN HONKS)

Would you fucking watch it?

I'm walking with a fucking woman!
Can you see that'?

Huh? You wanna hit a fucking woman
with your fucking car,

you fucking cunt-satchel?

FUCK you!

Oh, my God. Adam!

- She's got nothing on you.
- Mmm.

Really, and it makes me question his taste

because you are a striking and classic
beauty in the vein of Brooke Shields.

Jessa, you don't have to do this.

- Do what?
- This.

Like, pretending we're friends.

I really can't handle
being mocked right now.

Are you serious, Marnie?

We've known each other for six years.
You've known my name for three.

I care for you. I do. I really do.

And if you don't see that,
then that's a failing on my part

because I really admire your work ethic,
your commitment to hygiene.

I think you are smart and kind and...

Uptight.

A bit, yes.

That isn't fun for me. Do you realize that?
Being the uptight girl? I hate it.

Charlie had to find someone else
to go to Rome with.

No one ever asks me to get, like,
friendship tattoos or whatever.

Sometimes being inside my own head is so
exhausting that it makes me wanna cry.

So then get out of there
for a little while.

Fucker!

- Let's not go outside again today, okay?
- Mmm-hmm, yeah.

It seems better when we don't go outside.

So...

What do you wanna do now?

Um, take a shower.

(SCREAMS)

Sorry, you really scared me, Adam.

No, thank you.

I'm good, thanks.

- It's for your split ends.
- Thank you.

(SNICKERING)

(URINATING)

What?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, you're peeing on me!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God, stop it!
- (ADAM LAUGHING)

You're still doing it! Stop it!

- Chill, kid. It's just pee.
- It's gross.

It's not funny, so stop laughing.

- It's gross!
- Urine is sterile.

A lot of people urinate on wounds
to heal them.

Really? A lot of people do that?

It doesn't make sense to get out now.
There's pee on you.

(SCREAMS)

- JESSA: So you were how old?
- I was 14.

Oh, my God. To who, your cousin?

Mmm-mmm.

To my boyfriend Jared.
We had been dating for a year.

- And you were 14?
- Yeah.

I don't know, I just felt ready.

Planned the whole thing, obviously.

We were at his lake house.
There were candles everywhere.

I put a towel down on the bed.

And I guess once I had done it,

I just felt like I didn't need to try
it again for, like, a very long time.

- Why? How old were you?
- I was 17.

- You were 17? You were older than me?
- Yeah.

I didn't grow breasts for a very long time,
and sex without breasts is creepy.

That's what I keep trying to tell Hannah.

(LAUGHS) That's true
. Her breasts are teensy.

They're teensy.

- Yeah.
- But I love them.

Did you order those?

- I didn't, no.
- BARTENDER: They're from him.

Gray suit.

Oh, fabulous. Hi.

Oh, never mind.

Oh, come on, he's so cute.

This is exciting, we're being hit on.

JESSA: Ugh.

MARNIE: He looks like he's a boss.

ADAM: You look good in the suit.

- You mean like a giant baby?
- No. Pretty.

It's comfy, right?

There's like this weird slit
down the whole crotch.

Yeah, so you can pee out of it.

I really fucking thought you'd laugh.

Well, I didn't.

Well, I'm sorry you don't get what's
so hysterical about me peeing on you.

Okay, you are not a good apologizer.

Just FYI.

All right, I won't bug you
if you're trying to read.

Have you thought any more about the play?

What is there to think about?

Just that you were so excited
about it this morning.

- And then we got there...
- It sucked, yeah.

Shit happens like that sometimes.

So then maybe you need
to spend another week workshopping it.

I can't explain basic truths to him.

It's too draining.

Okay, but I don't get why you won't
let him do it with a different actor.

Because my name's on it.

But that's good. That's a writing credit.

I would rather do nothing
for the rest of my life

than have my name attached
to something mediocre.

Your integrity's all that matters.

- It's a stupid play.
- Not a stupid play.

It's really good.

When I was watching it, I was so
excited because it was so, so good.

What about all that fake shit
Gavin was doing?

I don't know. I wasn't watching Gavin.
I was watching you.

Do you know how unusual it is
to see someone doing something like that?

Like, what you were doing,
okay, that's so open and honest

and weird and you're not making fun
of them in your mind.

It made me want to go and meet you
when you were 15 and kiss you.

I think I'll let Gavin do the play.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'll change my name. I'll use a pseudonym.

- What's your pseudonym?
- Fuckin' Ben Franklin.

I'll change my name, but he has to take out
some of my favorite lines.

That's a good compromise, right?

Yeah, I just feel like I travel
so much now, I'm lag-proof.

You know, I'm like...
Like, I'm resistant to jet lag.

That's inspiring.

I took the most amazing
Middle Eastern studies class...

- Love the Middle East, yeah.
- ...when I was in college,

and I almost became
an international relations major.

- Oh.
- Almost.

(LAUGHS)

This has been great, hasn't it?

What an unexpected pleasure,

just sharing a beverage with Jenna.

- And Marnie.
- MARNIE: Yes.

- Great names.
- Thank you.

Well, thanks for handling the check.

Mmm, you got it.

Hey, I have a suggestion.

I live, like, a block away
and I just moved into Brooklyn last week.

I don't know anybody and I have been saving

the most beautiful bottle of red wine
for a rainy day.

Or a rainy night.

Or rainy night.

The weather's fine.

Um, well, we should welcome you
to our borough, first of all.

- Thank you.
- And I don't know about you,

but I would love to do something "uncool."

I'd rather do a cool thing.

- She's a firecracker, this one.
- MARNIE: I know.

But, yeah, we'd love to go.

Great. Done.

I'm just gonna run to the little
boys' room, and then we'll mosey?

- We'll mosey.
- Okay.

He's cute.

Is he, though?

His face is sort of very cereal-boxy.

It's a perfect square.

No, I think he's hot.

And what he does is so interesting.

What is a venture capitalist?

It sounds like some sort of explorer,
but that can't be the case.

I like him.

And I like this drink.

And I like you, Jessa.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING ON RECORDING)

THOMAS-JOHN: I've just been doing it, like
three or four months.

Saw it in an episode of Entourage.
Isn't it cool?

I call this one Field Nice,

like field mice, but, you know, happy.

Thomas-John didn't want you
to get self-conscious

while you were taking a piss,
so he started spinning.

I know how self-conscious you gals get
when you're taking a tinkle.

Took care of it.

He's working on a mash-ups album.

Mash-up!

He's mixed Steal My Sunshine by Len...

- Right.
- ...and field recordings of children playing.

They're children playing in a field.

Sounds awesome.

I mean, it's a hobby.

I'm not claiming, like, I'm the best,
but I fucking enjoy myself, you know?

- Can I have some more, please?
- Yeah.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
"Please, sir, can I have some more?"

(SNICKERS)

(LAUGHING)

That was hilarious.

Have you seen it? I did Oliver Twist.

You ever heard of that? It's English.

Oh. This is my... New one.

- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MONKEY GIBBERING)

You know, this is actually just two tunes
playing simultaneously

in different iTunes windows,

so I don't have to... Here, I can join you.

Here I am.

Has anyone ever told you
you look like a young Brooke Shields?

- Actually, yeah. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

And you.

Julie Christie.

Yeah, good reference.

It's good. Yeah, totally, totally.

Fuck, it's so rare
to find just two such different,

but at the same time equal beauties...

Okay, that's our cue to go.
Thank you so much...

- No, no, we don't have to go.
- You don't have to go.

(STAMMERING)
We've outstayed our welcome.

- No.
- Thank you so much. You've been so...

(MONKEY GIBBERING)

Yikes.

Just follow your instincts, Brooke.

(MONKEYS GIBBERING)

Oh! Whoa.

Oh, no.

Are you fucking serious?

- Do you have, like, a paper towel?
- Are you fucking serious?

Like, some seltzer water?

Are you fucking serious?

This is a $10,000 rug.

This is a very fucking expensive rug.

If you're gonna spill on it,
you gotta look more sorry than that!

- I'm really sorry.
- She's sorry.

You know what, if you're really sorry,

you'd better be planning to make this
a very special night for all of us,

not just you and fucking Missy Malool.

All of us.

And not me just watching you girls
go at it for a little bit

and getting a little bit turned on.
I wanna be balls-deep in something!

And I don't even fucking care what it is.

No more excluding me, Mary Poppins!

It's not fair.

I wanna be part of the group.

- That will never happen.
- Jessa.

This isn't right, is it?

This can't be the way that this goes.

- I'm not gay.
- She's so not gay.

I was just trying to be free.

Do you even know what
it's like to work hard?

No. Tell us.

I've been under a lot of pressure

my whole life to succeed.

Daddy didn't buy me this rug
or this apartment or this nose.

That's not your nose.

There's no way that's your fuckin' nose.

There is no cartilage
in the world that exquisite!

So it kind of ticks me off
when I come to Williamsburg

after working hard
all fucking day in the "real world,"

and I see all these stupid little Daddy's
girls with their fuckin' bowler hats...

What are you doing wearing
a fucking bowler hat, stupid?

And then you come over
and you flirt and flirt

and flirt and flirt and kiss and kiss

and listen to my amazing tunes,
drink my beautiful wine,

and then spill it all over my gorgeous rug.

And laugh about it.

Yeah, well, we're not laughing
at your rug, trust me.

- We're not laughing. You... Don't hurt us.
- Come here.

JESSA: We're laughing at your mash-ins.

It's mash-ups!

Oh, and just so you know,

I'm gonna go eat her cunt
on the sidewalk right now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

It's mash-ups.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

ADAM: Hey. Hey!

Come with me, kid.

Adam.

(DISTANT SIREN BLARING)

This is like when my parents woke me up
during a tornado.

ADAM: Just a little farther.

Adam, I'm tired
and I don't know where we're going.

ADAM: Sorry I yelled at that car.

What?

I wish I could apologize,
but I don't know the driver,

so I guess I'm just gonna have to feel bad
about it forever

unless he drives by again.

(HANNAH LAUGHING)

Jesus.

I'm gonna do that fucking play.

You are?

Yeah. I'm gonna do it so you can watch it.

Oh, my God.

All right, would you help me with this?

How do I help you?

Um, here.

Spread 'em.

What are you doing?

- HANNAH: Oh, my God.
- (GRUNTS)

- ADAM: All right, help me grab these.
- Okay, got it.

HANNAH: Oh, my God, okay.

ADAM: All right, wet it down.

Got it.

Wait. Get a little closer.

- Okay.
- There's bird shit on my head.

- Paper.
- (LAUGHS) Okay.

- HANNAH: This is a ridiculous project.
- Fuck. Harder.

- You're a ridiculous person.
- Scrape it harder.

You're a ridiculous person.

- ADAM: All right, let's go fuck.
- Shit! No!

(SQUEALING AND LAUGHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)