Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Rule #47: Always Take Advantage of "Me" Time - full transcript
Abby spends her first night alone without the children, leading to a chaotic ride through Hollywood with the ladies. Meanwhile, Jake seeks a perfect first evening with the kids at his new place.
Previously on Girlfriends'
Guide to Divorce...
There is no book tour.
Barnes & Noble can't sell a book
the author doesn't believe in.
I think we should take the
place across from the grove.
The kids will love that.
- It's $4,500 a month...
- I know.
- And between that and the mortgage...
- I know.
My divorce attorney is actually great.
Don't tell her to call Delia.
Mediators are jackals.
They prey on the idea of "a good divorce."
You know, if I finally got to kiss you now,
I would be the only one
that would have to be guilty.
Nate, you are married,
and that makes me guilty.
This card was declined too.
You play to hurt, and not
just me, Spencer and Eric too.
- I'm gonna sue for full custody.
- What?
- What's that?
- Dad gave it to me.
He says one day I might
even be able to meet her.
- It's Jake's Becca.
- That is Becca.
I think the kids are gonna
love staying at the Paradiso.
Jake told me he signed the lease today.
I was gonna tell you
as soon as I came home.
I just want you out today,
and I suggest you hire
a lawyer, because I have.
I already have.
[Kari Kimmel's Blame Me]
[Indie pop music]
♪ So why is life ♪
Oh, [Bleep]... Ugar.
Sugar.
[Door slams]
- Hey.
- Dad!
Mommy just said [Bleep].
- Really?
- No, I did not.
I said "sugar"
because of the window that
you said you would fix.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lilly, dad's here.
Are we going to your new place now?
No, we're going to school now,
and then tonight, that is
when the adventure begins.
Did you get the Xbox hooked up?
Did I get the Xbox hooked up?
Does Superman fly?
Does Spider-man do spider-man-y things?
- Okay.
- Yes.
Hey, superhero, seriously, the window.
It almost took my finger off.
You said you'd fix it.
I've been a little busy, you know, moving.
Can we get Lilly please?
[Knock at door] Dad's here.
- Just tell me why.
- Why what?
Why your divorce has to ruin my life.
♪ [Vocalizing] ♪
Hey. Good morning, Sunshine.
She wanted to go to a kickback
today with some friends.
- A kick-what?
- I don't know.
Okay, well, she can do
that any night of the week,
but tonight, she's gonna be having fun.
She's gonna be having so much fun
that you guys'll wish
you had less fun, right?
- Right.
- Okay. Go find your sister.
So what are you doing
tonight that's so much fun?
Hookers and blow, obviously.
Obviously.
Becca Riley's not coming over,
if that's what you're asking.
I... well, you know, we
just had an agreement, and...
Yes, I know the rules.
Don't try to buy the kids' affections.
Don't trash the other person.
No meeting significant others
till they're actually significant.
- I got it.
- And what about the window?
Yeah, you should fix that
before you lose a finger.
Oh, my God, I just found a finger.
[Rock music]
♪ ♪
- What a dick move.
- Yeah.
Just fix the damn window.
Now, having said that,
let me speak to the
advantages of power tools.
Don't say anything. Okay.
- Go to home.
- Thank you.
Get a drill. Use it.
It won't make you a lesbian, and
if it did, so much the better.
She is definitely not a lesbian.
- We have covered that.
- Shh. Shh.
Shh. Shh.
Well, I'm just glad that Jake has finally
moved out of the house.
I don't have to deal with
his snotty little side glances
and listen to him chewing
his little kashi cereal like a farm animal.
Or the sweet smell of man-gas in the morning.
- That's my favorite.
- Or the sound of breathing.
Just general breathing.
[Laughs]
He's gone.
I'm free.
So what about Nate? Married Nate?
Is he still trying to get with you?
I think I sufficiently scared him off.
Here's something.
This afternoon,
I shall be dazzling
potential client Barry Juck.
- Wait. Juck... producer Juck?
- Mm-hmm.
Might have had sex with him
in the photo booth at the Soho.
- Terrible movies. Terrible.
- God, his movies are awful.
What is it, Monster Mash?
Actually, Master Monster Six is coming out.
- Master Monster.
- Horrible.
Oh, my God.
And then, tears of joy, story time.
What? Are you volunteering at school?
That's... that is a first.
Dan is going for primary custody,
so I need to put in some
serious face time with the kids,
and I'm gonna like it, damn it.
- [Laughs]
- Maybe you will like it.
Have we met?
Lyla Straley.
No, I like my kids, but I think
that might be a genetic trick.
The rest are vermin. No offense.
None taken.
[Mug clatters]
So check it out.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Holy high tit job.
Danna Brooks grew a pair.
Dr. Marber.
You say that name one more time,
and honestly, knuckle supper.
- I know.
- No, I can't. I can't have it.
- So high.
- I'm just saying.
- I can't have it.
- I'm just saying.
What are you doing when they're that high?
- Where is Max, by the way?
- I don't know.
I'm texting him now. "Max, where are you?"
Wait, wait, so what did
you end up going with?
Oh, uh,
I went Star Wars comforter
but spider-man sheets.
- I like it.
- Yeah.
Charlie gets to sleep in the perfect movie
he'll never see, Spider-Wars.
The cable is hooked up.
I got the WI-FI hooked up.
I got the Xbox hooked up.
I got power bars for Lilly.
And I got the waffle maker for Charlie.
- Oh, panic buy.
- You know what?
They got all that stuff
at home... At Abby's, okay?
I want there to be some
touchstones, you know?
The comforts of home.
You make me want to puke!
- Jesus, what the hell is that?
- Are you serious?
I just can't stand you.
Acting class.
It's a little noisy during the day,
quiets down around midnight.
Nick, 36.
Oh, hey, Jake, 31.
How you doing? This is Max.
- Hey.
- Pleasure.
Hey, you two ever looking
to score any coke, Cialis,
or whatnot, I'm your guy.
[Chuckles]
- Thanks.
- Hoo-ah!
I can't stand here looking at you!
- He seems lovely.
- Yeah.
Yeah. [Phone jingling]
Oh. Oh, crap.
Oh. It's Abby.
I told her that I would meet
her for coffee after drop-off.
I think I said "might." "Might."
- Just "might be there."
- Answer it, dude.
I don't want to lie to her.
Then don't answer it.
- I-I can't ignore her.
- Dude, you know what?
Just stop being a pussy
and tell her the truth.
We're friends, and you're
not gonna pick sides
just 'cause she's your sister.
She'll understand that.
Right, what am I talking about?
Okay, continue to be a pussy
until we figure it out, okay?
Do you want us to come over later?
First night without the kids
can be a little bit weird.
- Oh.
- Or a little devastating.
Could be a little devastating.
No, I'm actually looking forward
to a little bit of me time.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
What does that entail?
That means I'm gonna go
to my book editor, Melissa,
and toss around some book ideas,
and go home, soak in the tub,
drink a glass of wine,
get back on the writing horse.
If things go south, I
will call you, I promise.
- Love you, Abby.
- I love you guys.
- Keep your phone charged.
- Yup, I know.
Whitney.
What's going on? Where is everybody?
I was just about to call you.
They... they moved the
Juck meeting to 2:00.
- They? Who they? Who they?
- Delia.
I told her you weren't
available until after 3:00.
No, it's okay. It's okay.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I'll see you there. All right, bye-bye.
As you know, associates
don't reschedule meetings
without clearance from all the partners.
True, but Whales Trump Partners.
Juck needed to move the meeting.
- Did he?
- Mm-hmm.
To the one time I had to
be at my children's school?
I know, it is a shame.
But your kids come first. I get that.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Knock at door]
Lyla, can you believe this woman?
Our fabulous rainmaker.
I mean, come on, Barry Freaking Juck here.
[Laughs]
2 million in billables
for Loeb & Loeb last year,
and he is primed to jump ship
because I got him sole custody
of his dog in his divorce.
- Great work, Delia.
- Thank you.
Partnership is but a stone's throw away
for this lady, right, Lyla?
Women supporting women,
that's what it's all about.
You bet. Hillary 2016.
Have fun at school.
[Inhales tensely]
Mm.
Hi, it's me.
I am terribly sorry,
but I need a huge favor.
Okay, one, Girlfriends'
Guide To The Terrible Teens.
Two, Girlfriends' Guide...
[Phone jingles]
To Working Out While Working It.
Three,
Girlfriends' Guide To
Working Moms Working It Out,
but that one's not as catchy.
Is... hello?
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Just... just go on. Go on.
Okay, so I have this
whole weekend carved out.
I just need to figure out which
titles you want me to focus on.
Abby, can I... can I be honest here?
- Yeah.
- It's not about the titles.
Your book sales are way down.
"Way down." What does that mean?
On Amazon, you're selling
just below Why Cats Paint.
You've lost your street
cred in the mommy wars.
I'm sorry, but we think the
Girlfriends' Guide franchise
is dead.
Dead?
Uh, Jesus.
[Chuckles]
Well, this isn't exactly the meeting
that I was expecting to have, Melissa.
Missy.
Missy.
I am the sole breadwinner in my house.
There's no other source of income,
so I need to figure out something.
Well, the team here has a
very exciting idea for you.
Okay.
How do you feel
about menopause?
_
♪ ♪
_
_
_
[Doorbell dings]
- [Dog barks]
- Oh, okay.
Thank you. What's this?
Enjoy. [Clicks tongue suggestively]
"A little 'me time' gift basket
from your Phoebe godmother."
"The Jimmee Lightning Rod?"
Jimmee.
- [Cell phone vibrating]
- Jeez.
[Upbeat accordion music]
♪ ♪
_
So what do you think?
It's cute, right? Yeah.
I mean...
Throw some artwork on the walls.
- Yeah.
- Put down a rug or two.
Of course, we have to Christen the place.
- Christen?
- Mm-hmm.
Did you forget?
I'm a full Jew, lady.
[Chuckles]
Okay, wait. Wait, wait.
Oh, your mouth is saying "wait,"
but it is feeling very "go" down here.
I know. I know. I got to... okay.
I got to unpack before I pick up the kids.
Come on.
I'm just so anxious.
I mean, Abby has home
court advantage, literally.
The kids grew up there.
I want them to...
I want them to want to be here too.
Of course you do.
[Sighs]
I could bring over some fonuts later.
We could play charades or something.
Too soon?
Just thought I'd offer.
I totally get it. Thank
you for understanding.
I do have something for the anxiety though.
Yeah, yeah, I can't take pills.
They make me feel like I know how to dance.
- I had a bad prom experience.
- [Both laugh]
I'm talking about a more holistic approach,
redirecting that nervous energy.
Mmm.
[Yelps]
Barry Juck, our senior partner, Al Wilcox.
Al, The Animal.
I heard you were the [Bleep], man.
Barry Juck, I think your
films are the [Bleep].
- Thanks for coming.
- Forgive me. Forgive me,
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Everybody, Barry, Lyla Straley.
We met at the Arianna Huffington
Save the Dolphins Benefit last year.
Right.
You outbid Clooney
for the puppy in the live auction.
You were pretty intense there.
Well, why should Clooney win, right?
- [Laughter]
- Anyway, forgive my lateness.
We are all so excited that you're here.
- So maybe we should start.
- Absolutely.
- Great. Let's.
- Absolutely.
Have a seat.
What happened to story time?
Your bull[Bleep] was enough fiction for me,
and I took care of it.
Ladies, hello?
- Yes.
- Hi.
[Children chatting]
Spencer's mom, Ms. Straley,
sent me to read to the children.
I'm sorry, but story time is supposed to be
a chance for the parent
to interact with the class.
Mama.
[Paloma Faith's Trouble With My Baby]
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ well, you ask for money ♪
♪ it's always something ♪
♪ we're getting close to good-bye ♪
♪ you're running out of time ♪
[Groans]
♪ A shoulder to cry on ♪
♪ instead of someone on mine ♪
♪ got to draw the line, baby, baby ♪
♪ trouble with my baby ♪
Amazing, right?
I mean, great Chinese food right next door.
Lilly, could you pass that moo shu?
Lills?
My God.
Jade and Savannah are
with Xander and Vinnie.
I can't believe I'm missing this.
Look, I was thinking for tonight,
this place has a huge gym,
a huge pool, and a hot tub.
Ew.
Who knows what's gone on in there?
Like what?
Nothing.
Lilly.
I'm full. I'm gonna go play Xbox.
Or if you wanted to go out,
Charlie, I was thinking
we could go bowling,
or we could play monopoly.
Lame.
[Program beeping flatly]
- Dad, I can't log in.
- Okay.
I'm supposed to be playing
with Zach and Chu right now.
Let me see.
They're at Hollywood and Highland.
Jade's all over Xander. This is killing me.
I'm literally dead.
Shut your piehole.
- Shut your piehole, ass munch.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- You guys, language.
- [Woman wailing]
- Dad? What's going on?
- I don't know you!
Oh, there's... they're
just playing make-believe.
There's an acting class next door, okay?
You know, you promised we'd have Internet.
I know. I'm doing the best I can.
Great night, dad. Thanks a lot.
Stella!
Quiet!
Sorry.
Let's go do it. Let's go do it.
All right.
[Rej3ctz's Cat Daddy]
♪ Cat daddy ♪
♪ man, I go to work, true winner ♪
♪ jeans skinny, like squidward ♪
♪ move your arms like
your wheelchair stuntin' ♪
♪ drop low, grab your shoulder like ♪
♪ tell power 106 to bang this [Bleep] ♪
♪ big up to the bro Sam, he
the king of this [Bleep] ♪
♪ call me spongebob,
stackin' krabby patties ♪
♪ I go to work, do my cat daddy ♪
♪ ♪
I got the lamb and you got the chicken.
Oh, we're gonna switch.
It looks like it's gonna be good.
Yeah, we'll switch halfway through.
[Phone jingles]
Ah, it's date night. You said no phones.
Because when your phone rings,
the crisis is, I don't know,
about your ad campaign for pop chips,
but when my phone rings,
it might be the sitter.
Screw the sitter.
This is our time.
If the house is on fire,
you'll never forgive yourself.
Bitch.
It's Jake.
That's wonderful. Call him in the morning.
Well, he's having a
rough time with the kids.
His first night at the new place.
And he wants you to come over?
No.
Max, my love, you need to stay out of this.
She's your sister.
[Stammering] But he was my friend first.
Am I just supposed to pretend
that relationship didn't exist?
No, of course not, but look,
right now everyone is really raw.
Nothing good can come from
getting involved in this,
not for Jake, not for your sister,
and not for you.
You're right.
You're right. Of course I'm right.
Gentlemen, can I get you
another bottle of the cab?
- Maybe a Shiraz this time.
- You got it.
Thank you.
The Internet was working this morning,
- but now it says, "4935 fail."
- [Groaning]
No, I don't know what that means.
It means my friends are at top shop,
and I'm here at the fun-pocalypse.
[Crying] They're playing without me.
Sweetie, I know. I know.
I'm trying. My child's crying.
- [Phone jingles]
- What?
Yes, I'm sorry.
You just got a text from Becca Riley.
Sweetie, give me the phone.
"How's it going" from Becca Riley.
Lilly. Lilly, hey.
Lilly, watch it.
Yes.
You should invite her over.
- No, that's not happening.
- Please?
- You would make my life.
- No, Sweetie.
- Please?
- No. Stop it.
- No, not you.
- Dad, I'm not stupid.
I know she's your girlfriend.
[Crying]
Please?
[Slurring] What would Dr. Marber do?
Oh, yeah.
4,000 pounds.
I'm enjoying a relationship
with two men simultaneously,
the first called Ben, the other, Jerry.
Number of current boyfriends, zero.
Number of calls from ex-boyfriend...
You have absolutely no messages.
[Crying]
Lyla, it's me, Abby.
Um, you were right.
I'm really not good.
Can you just bring Phoebe and you and...
I'm just not good.
Fix the goddamn window.
How hard is it to fix the goddamn window?
[Grunts]
Oh! Oh!
[Bleep].
[Groans]
Help?
- OK. Stay calm.
- OK.
- Just another minutes.
- Oh, my God.
[Gasps]
- Oh, my God.
- I got stuck.
I yelled until the neighbors called 911.
I have to take a photo. Come on.
- Don't you dare.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my God.
- Pull.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my goodness.
Can you move them? Any wounds?
Just my pride.
Thank you, Wayne. Thank you.
Best call I've had all week.
- Thank you, Wayne.
- Thank you.
There's the front door,
if you could shut it
because we left it open.
[Whispering] So embarrassing.
Some salve for your wounds? How horrible.
- Oh, my good.
- Oh, my gosh.
The cavalry arrives in a Prius.
You guys,
I'd like to introduce
you to my friend Becca.
- Charlie, Becca. Becca, Charlie.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hi.
- This is Lilly.
Lilly, nice to meet you.
She's a really big Blood Sisters fan.
Huge.
Seriously, last week
when you stabbed Sebastian
after he kissed you and
stole your life force?
- [Laughs]
- I did not see that coming.
Oh, my God, nobody did.
My Twitter feed blew up.
Thank you so much for
the poster, by the way.
- I love it so much.
- Of course.
Maybe we should go out
and do something fun.
Yeah. You guys ever been to lucky strike?
- Um, bowling?
- Yeah, I love bowling.
I do too.
Great.
Hey, hey, sorry it took
so long to get back to you.
Have The Animals eaten the zookeeper?
Uh, no, I got it under control.
That's great. How'd you pull that off?
[Pins clatter]
Oh! So close!
I'll take it.
Jake, what's all that
noise in the background?
- Dad, it's your turn.
- Okay, I'll be right there.
Max, I did a bad thing.
Charlie and Lilly are
bowling with Becca Riley.
Jake, that's nuclear.
You... I got to go.
Really? Sneaking phone calls?
A little juvenile, don't you think?
- Only a little.
- You finished now?
Yes. Jake's got it under control.
They're bowling with Becca Riley.
- Becca Riley?
- Yeah.
You know Blood Sisters is my favorite show.
So?
Oh, my God.
You incredible hypocrite.
You...
This vodka's not working.
Hoping for redemption
yet careening down a shame spiral?
- Yes.
- It'll work.
You just have to drink through it.
My ex-husband's girlfriend is
plastered on my daughter's wall.
- My brand is dead.
- No.
- I have no more ideas.
- No, no, no.
- My career is over.
- No.
- No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you are gonna write
something new, something better.
You just have to give yourself a break.
I have a book idea.
Ten Reasons to Hate Delia Banai,
and I have 74 just off the top of my head.
Lyla, we are not bashing Delia tonight.
I'm a muse. She has writer's block. Right?
- [Vibrator buzzing]
- Aha.
I figured it out.
And I put an app on your
phone so you can control it.
Whatever happened to two fingers
and your imagination?
- [Vibrator buzzing]
- No.
I know, I know, the bushwhack
setting's a little aggro.
I get it.
- No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- What?
Look what Lilly posted on Instagram.
Is that Becca Riley?
And Max and Lilly doing karaoke.
[New wave music]
All: ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ ooh, oh ♪
So a Porsche, a divorce, and
a girlfriend half your age.
You're checking off all the
boxes for midlife crisis.
She is 61.63% of my age, for the record.
- You actually did the math?
- Yeah, I did.
[Chuckles]
All: ♪ tell me your
troubles and doubts ♪
You realize you're gonna pay for this.
Big time.
I mean, we don't have to tell.
I'm just saying, what she
doesn't know won't hurt her.
You expect Charlie and
Lilly to also not tell?
We got Annie Leibovitz
up there with the camera,
and the kid with the ice cream
isn't exactly CIA material.
[Chuckles]
Who puts a heart over an I?
A 10-year-old
- and Jake's girlfriend.
- [Laughs]
Seriously, he promised that
she would not be coming over.
The lying prick.
I'm smoking in my daughter's bedroom.
This is like bad parenting 101!
Shh, shh.
- God, take it. Take it.
- Shh.
This is lacking, you know?
It's... it's wanting.
It's been scrubbed of humanity.
I don't know if it's Photoshop, or...
or the fact that she's 10.
Whatever it is,
will you restore the humanity?
[Giggles]
All: ♪ rain keeps falling ♪
♪ rain keeps falling down ♪
Dad, check it.
I've got, like, 400 likes on Instagram.
That's, like, basically impossible.
Amazing.
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
Wait, did you post it to Instagram?
♪ Ooh, oh ♪
Abby liked it.
At the top. That one.
Come one, Charlie. You got it. You got it.
[Laughs] Do you feel better?
I mean, I-I don't know.
I'm a feminist,
and it's not Becca's fault
that Jake is a midlife cliche.
Yes, I... I do actually feel much better.
You should, because we've empowered her.
We've given her a gift.
I mean, the kid is only 10,
and she is, like...
She's got a little more heft.
She says, "yes, I am.
Yes, I am."
When Lilly sees it,
she's gonna lose her mind.
[Laughing]
Oh, my God.
What have I done?
♪ Some people talk about you ♪
♪ like they know all about you ♪
♪ when you get down, they doubt you ♪
She's wearing a black
halter and black shorts,
and she's holding a stake.
No, no, not a meat steak.
No, it has to be season two.
No? Okay, thank you anyway.
Bye. They don't have it.
Oh, my God, I am so high, which was fun,
but now is not.
That store on La Brea is closed.
Okay, no, no, no, no. Please don't close.
Don't close. We will be
there in five minutes.
There is one more at a
store on Hollywood Boulevard.
- Omar, take a left on Ivar.
- Do it!
- Go!
- To Hollywood Boulevard!
[All cheer]
What possible story would cover you and us
and karaoke with Becca Riley?
Coincidence.
I decided to take the kids out,
and we ran into you guys.
And then we just happened
to run into Becca?
Okay, she might buy it if you back me up.
Dude, I have to bail myself out here.
I've been caught consorting with the enemy.
The enemy?
That's ridiculous.
Jake, she's my sister.
And I have to divorce you too?
I can't afford another lawyer.
Hey, the sitter just texted me.
The kids are waiting up. We should go.
Jake, she's lovely.
Mm, love you. Come on.
Here we go.
Ah! [Jabbering]
Abby's life going down
the toilet, take one.
Does this donut make me look blonde?
Oh, my God, give me a
bite of that right now.
Mmm.
- So good.
- Nate.
I thought you backed him up.
I did back him up,
but he's launching an major charm attack
which I'm not gonna go
for because he's married.
- Mm.
- Ta-da!
Oh, my God, is that it?
This is it, mama.
Thank you, Phoebe Godmother.
Where would I be without you?
Well, you'd probably
be doing something nasty
with that paramedic.
[Both chuckle]
What language is that?
What? Oh, no.
So close.
I think you just need to lie to Llilly.
Just lie to Lilly.
Just tell her that there was a leak,
and that the poster got ruined.
[Phone beeps]
Oh. Um, Omar?
The Kogi truck stops
at the Yogurtland on
Hollywood in 10 minutes.
- I'm such a terrible mother.
- Mm-mm.
I should just check
Lilly into "promises" now.
Come on.
We're going to the land of yogurt.
Be of good cheer.
She's never gonna forgive me.
[Groans]
I didn't want to play this card.
What card?
Delia used to represent
the executive producer of Blood Sisters.
- They're super tight.
- What?
I'm guessing he can get us a poster.
- What?
- I'm s... I know. I'm sorry.
- Call Delia.
- I'm sorry.
No, please don't make me.
She will own me.
She will hold it over me.
Guilt, duty, obligation.
- Please don't make me call.
- Lyla.
It's like a wookiee life debt.
- You have to.
- Please.
I know. I know.
I realize it's a lot to ask
at this late hour, believe me.
I don't want to be asking
it, but it's not for me.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
Think of the bonds of friendship.
Hey, stop, stop, stop.
Obviously, generally speaking,
we don't have a bond. You are incredible.
- We don't have a bond.
- Delia.
Hi, can you make it happen?
Really? [Muffled] Really?
Oh, my God, you are our
knight in shining Armani.
- We love you. Thank you. Bye.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- She's so great.
She's going to meet us with
the poster in 20 minutes.
- How does she do that?
- 20 minutes.
- How does she do it?
- I don't know.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh.
I love you.
Why are you thanking her?
Can you believe this?
I want...
I would have killed for
a night alone in my house
when I was married,
and now that I get it, I fell apart.
- Of course.
- Oh, my God.
Because it's a different kind of alone.
Now you're alone alone.
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
- Did it?
- No.
No.
I think it was, like,
eight months into my divorce
that I realized maybe
I'm not incredibly horny.
Maybe I just sleep with
these people on my free nights
because I want the company.
That's so crazy, right?
Yeah.
No, you're incredibly horny, honey.
I know I am.
- I am incredibly horny.
- Yeah.
I'm horny right now.
[Sighs]
Morning, ladies.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Mwah.
- Hi, gorgeous.
- Both: Mwah.
Oh, Lyla.
You've got a thousand bucks
worth of cocaine on your chest,
or you're getting it on with Mr. Donut.
[Laughs]
Delia, thank you so much
for interrupting what was
probably an awesome evening.
No problem.
Prince showed up at
Downey's party, and you know,
I love the little guy,
but he just takes over.
So ready to go.
I have something for you.
Is this what you were looking for?
Oh, my God, yes.
Oh, my God, thank you so much. Mwah.
Thank... you have no
idea. Thank you so much.
Never let it be said I
do not go the extra mile
for a client...
Or a friend.
[Groans]
- Is it in English?
- Thank you, Delia.
Ah.
And so the great
poster-capade comes to a close.
Call us if you need anything, all right?
- Bye.
- Bye.
Come here.
You are a great mom.
It's all gonna be okay.
- Yup. Thank you. I know.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Bleep].
Oh, what is it?
How is this all gonna be okay?
[Horn honks]
[Car door clicks]
- Hi.
- Hi, mom.
Oh, hey, hi.
- Did you have fun?
- You were right, mom.
Dad's place was super fun.
I bet it was.
Seriously, Jake?
Look, it's a long story.
It shouldn't be a story.
You said you would tell me
before something like this happened.
Well, the kids had a great
time, and Lilly was in heaven.
Oh, I bet she was.
She and Becca are in the same peer group.
We had a deal: No others
until they're significant.
Maybe she is.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe Becca is significant to me?
- Oh. Oh.
- Mom!
Look, we did have an
agreement, and I'm sorry.
Where'd you get this cool lightsaber?
That's not a lightsaber.
That's mommy's toy.
I thought we weren't
gonna introduce the kids
to significant others.
I'll just go. Yeah.
Yeah. That'd be great.
Mom?
Yeah?
What's up?
Do we have photo paper?
Yeah, in the office. Why?
Look at this great shot.
I'm gonna print it and hang it over my bed.
What about the poster?
Posters are whatever.
This shows she's my actual friend.
Really?
My Instagram blew up last night.
It was amazing, mom.
And I got invited to Xander
Price's house next weekend.
So you're just gonna
trade on Becca Riley's fame
so that you can be popular?
What?
I'm just saying you don't want people
to be friends with you
for the wrong reasons.
You're just jealous 'cause
she's so pretty and young.
Wow.
Hold on, there.
Dad found someone awesome.
You know why? 'Cause he's awesome.
So it's too bad you kicked him out, huh?
But it's not my fault that you're alone
and you can't handle it.
I can't believe you did
karaoke with Becca Riley.
- She's so nice.
- That's so awesome.
Trust me, some day Lilly
is gonna be like, "ew.
Oh, my dad was ancient when he
was going out with Becca Riley."
I really screwed up with her, Max.
Wait, you're not gonna
yell at me and tell me
what a crappy brother I am?
I totally snapped on her about
the whole Becca Riley thing.
You know, her being so excited?
And it's not her fault.
She's a teenager.
It's just Jake's moving on,
and I need to learn how to deal with it.
Abs, give yourself a break.
It just really hurt that all
of you were out, you know?
My kids, my brother, all
having fun without me.
Abs, I'm just trying to figure
out how to navigate here,
and no one sent me a map.
I know you and Jake go way back,
and you're allowed to have that.
I just need to feel like I have first dibs.
Abby...
always.
- It's a deal.
- Deal?
Deal.
Don't worry about Becca with
the kids, 'cause she is great.
No, no, no.
- Yeah, right.
- Wow, too soon.
Yup.
Okay.
I can't believe Jake
wouldn't fix the window.
- Right?
- What a douche?
- So much better.
- Uh.
- Hi, Abby.
- Hi.
Brutus.
[Laughs]
Address these things...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Lyla, have a seat.
Dan? Is everything okay?
[Clears throat]
Am I in trouble?
If it is about the *** bag.
I know, and we've been working
on getting him to give it up
and have one that is more "locker-friendly."
Lyla, it's been brought to my attention
that you sent your nanny to story time.
- Yes.
- Unavoidable work complication.
It takes a village, right?
The rules in the school
handbook are very clear.
Parent volunteers may not send a proxy.
Juanita's a very gifted storyteller.
I'm sure she is.
That's not really the point.
It sends a message to the children
that they're not your priority.
Excuse me?
Would an apology help here?
I understand that divorce
can be a trying time,
so an apology...
- No, no, no, no.
By all means, I apologize.
I apologize for having a job.
I'm sorry I make a substantial income
to pay for your green-grocer, small-batch,
locally-sourced,
farm-to-table,
- epically-butchered...
- Lyla.
Hormone-free,
- gluten-intolerant bills.
- Lyla.
But here's the thing.
I don't work, my kids don't go to school.
So if you want to call and
tell me tuition is free,
I be happy to be here to story time.
and arbor day and kid's court
and snack bar and talent night
and the nose-picking Olympics
and every other bull[Bleep] holiday
that costs me a fortune.
But if you're not gonna tell
me it's free, I've got to work,
'cause I'm a working mother with
a boatload of mouths to feed.
Is there anything else
you'd like to discuss
pertaining to my children?
Don't call me in here again.
[Phone ringing]
Damn it.
Yes? I know, I know, I know.
Please tell the Disney
people that I'm about to...
I'm running late. My
morning meeting went long.
Thank you.
[Drill whirring]
[Imitating explosions]
[Window bangs] [Gasps]
Guide to Divorce...
There is no book tour.
Barnes & Noble can't sell a book
the author doesn't believe in.
I think we should take the
place across from the grove.
The kids will love that.
- It's $4,500 a month...
- I know.
- And between that and the mortgage...
- I know.
My divorce attorney is actually great.
Don't tell her to call Delia.
Mediators are jackals.
They prey on the idea of "a good divorce."
You know, if I finally got to kiss you now,
I would be the only one
that would have to be guilty.
Nate, you are married,
and that makes me guilty.
This card was declined too.
You play to hurt, and not
just me, Spencer and Eric too.
- I'm gonna sue for full custody.
- What?
- What's that?
- Dad gave it to me.
He says one day I might
even be able to meet her.
- It's Jake's Becca.
- That is Becca.
I think the kids are gonna
love staying at the Paradiso.
Jake told me he signed the lease today.
I was gonna tell you
as soon as I came home.
I just want you out today,
and I suggest you hire
a lawyer, because I have.
I already have.
[Kari Kimmel's Blame Me]
[Indie pop music]
♪ So why is life ♪
Oh, [Bleep]... Ugar.
Sugar.
[Door slams]
- Hey.
- Dad!
Mommy just said [Bleep].
- Really?
- No, I did not.
I said "sugar"
because of the window that
you said you would fix.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lilly, dad's here.
Are we going to your new place now?
No, we're going to school now,
and then tonight, that is
when the adventure begins.
Did you get the Xbox hooked up?
Did I get the Xbox hooked up?
Does Superman fly?
Does Spider-man do spider-man-y things?
- Okay.
- Yes.
Hey, superhero, seriously, the window.
It almost took my finger off.
You said you'd fix it.
I've been a little busy, you know, moving.
Can we get Lilly please?
[Knock at door] Dad's here.
- Just tell me why.
- Why what?
Why your divorce has to ruin my life.
♪ [Vocalizing] ♪
Hey. Good morning, Sunshine.
She wanted to go to a kickback
today with some friends.
- A kick-what?
- I don't know.
Okay, well, she can do
that any night of the week,
but tonight, she's gonna be having fun.
She's gonna be having so much fun
that you guys'll wish
you had less fun, right?
- Right.
- Okay. Go find your sister.
So what are you doing
tonight that's so much fun?
Hookers and blow, obviously.
Obviously.
Becca Riley's not coming over,
if that's what you're asking.
I... well, you know, we
just had an agreement, and...
Yes, I know the rules.
Don't try to buy the kids' affections.
Don't trash the other person.
No meeting significant others
till they're actually significant.
- I got it.
- And what about the window?
Yeah, you should fix that
before you lose a finger.
Oh, my God, I just found a finger.
[Rock music]
♪ ♪
- What a dick move.
- Yeah.
Just fix the damn window.
Now, having said that,
let me speak to the
advantages of power tools.
Don't say anything. Okay.
- Go to home.
- Thank you.
Get a drill. Use it.
It won't make you a lesbian, and
if it did, so much the better.
She is definitely not a lesbian.
- We have covered that.
- Shh. Shh.
Shh. Shh.
Well, I'm just glad that Jake has finally
moved out of the house.
I don't have to deal with
his snotty little side glances
and listen to him chewing
his little kashi cereal like a farm animal.
Or the sweet smell of man-gas in the morning.
- That's my favorite.
- Or the sound of breathing.
Just general breathing.
[Laughs]
He's gone.
I'm free.
So what about Nate? Married Nate?
Is he still trying to get with you?
I think I sufficiently scared him off.
Here's something.
This afternoon,
I shall be dazzling
potential client Barry Juck.
- Wait. Juck... producer Juck?
- Mm-hmm.
Might have had sex with him
in the photo booth at the Soho.
- Terrible movies. Terrible.
- God, his movies are awful.
What is it, Monster Mash?
Actually, Master Monster Six is coming out.
- Master Monster.
- Horrible.
Oh, my God.
And then, tears of joy, story time.
What? Are you volunteering at school?
That's... that is a first.
Dan is going for primary custody,
so I need to put in some
serious face time with the kids,
and I'm gonna like it, damn it.
- [Laughs]
- Maybe you will like it.
Have we met?
Lyla Straley.
No, I like my kids, but I think
that might be a genetic trick.
The rest are vermin. No offense.
None taken.
[Mug clatters]
So check it out.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Holy high tit job.
Danna Brooks grew a pair.
Dr. Marber.
You say that name one more time,
and honestly, knuckle supper.
- I know.
- No, I can't. I can't have it.
- So high.
- I'm just saying.
- I can't have it.
- I'm just saying.
What are you doing when they're that high?
- Where is Max, by the way?
- I don't know.
I'm texting him now. "Max, where are you?"
Wait, wait, so what did
you end up going with?
Oh, uh,
I went Star Wars comforter
but spider-man sheets.
- I like it.
- Yeah.
Charlie gets to sleep in the perfect movie
he'll never see, Spider-Wars.
The cable is hooked up.
I got the WI-FI hooked up.
I got the Xbox hooked up.
I got power bars for Lilly.
And I got the waffle maker for Charlie.
- Oh, panic buy.
- You know what?
They got all that stuff
at home... At Abby's, okay?
I want there to be some
touchstones, you know?
The comforts of home.
You make me want to puke!
- Jesus, what the hell is that?
- Are you serious?
I just can't stand you.
Acting class.
It's a little noisy during the day,
quiets down around midnight.
Nick, 36.
Oh, hey, Jake, 31.
How you doing? This is Max.
- Hey.
- Pleasure.
Hey, you two ever looking
to score any coke, Cialis,
or whatnot, I'm your guy.
[Chuckles]
- Thanks.
- Hoo-ah!
I can't stand here looking at you!
- He seems lovely.
- Yeah.
Yeah. [Phone jingling]
Oh. Oh, crap.
Oh. It's Abby.
I told her that I would meet
her for coffee after drop-off.
I think I said "might." "Might."
- Just "might be there."
- Answer it, dude.
I don't want to lie to her.
Then don't answer it.
- I-I can't ignore her.
- Dude, you know what?
Just stop being a pussy
and tell her the truth.
We're friends, and you're
not gonna pick sides
just 'cause she's your sister.
She'll understand that.
Right, what am I talking about?
Okay, continue to be a pussy
until we figure it out, okay?
Do you want us to come over later?
First night without the kids
can be a little bit weird.
- Oh.
- Or a little devastating.
Could be a little devastating.
No, I'm actually looking forward
to a little bit of me time.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
What does that entail?
That means I'm gonna go
to my book editor, Melissa,
and toss around some book ideas,
and go home, soak in the tub,
drink a glass of wine,
get back on the writing horse.
If things go south, I
will call you, I promise.
- Love you, Abby.
- I love you guys.
- Keep your phone charged.
- Yup, I know.
Whitney.
What's going on? Where is everybody?
I was just about to call you.
They... they moved the
Juck meeting to 2:00.
- They? Who they? Who they?
- Delia.
I told her you weren't
available until after 3:00.
No, it's okay. It's okay.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I'll see you there. All right, bye-bye.
As you know, associates
don't reschedule meetings
without clearance from all the partners.
True, but Whales Trump Partners.
Juck needed to move the meeting.
- Did he?
- Mm-hmm.
To the one time I had to
be at my children's school?
I know, it is a shame.
But your kids come first. I get that.
- Mm-hmm.
- [Knock at door]
Lyla, can you believe this woman?
Our fabulous rainmaker.
I mean, come on, Barry Freaking Juck here.
[Laughs]
2 million in billables
for Loeb & Loeb last year,
and he is primed to jump ship
because I got him sole custody
of his dog in his divorce.
- Great work, Delia.
- Thank you.
Partnership is but a stone's throw away
for this lady, right, Lyla?
Women supporting women,
that's what it's all about.
You bet. Hillary 2016.
Have fun at school.
[Inhales tensely]
Mm.
Hi, it's me.
I am terribly sorry,
but I need a huge favor.
Okay, one, Girlfriends'
Guide To The Terrible Teens.
Two, Girlfriends' Guide...
[Phone jingles]
To Working Out While Working It.
Three,
Girlfriends' Guide To
Working Moms Working It Out,
but that one's not as catchy.
Is... hello?
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Just... just go on. Go on.
Okay, so I have this
whole weekend carved out.
I just need to figure out which
titles you want me to focus on.
Abby, can I... can I be honest here?
- Yeah.
- It's not about the titles.
Your book sales are way down.
"Way down." What does that mean?
On Amazon, you're selling
just below Why Cats Paint.
You've lost your street
cred in the mommy wars.
I'm sorry, but we think the
Girlfriends' Guide franchise
is dead.
Dead?
Uh, Jesus.
[Chuckles]
Well, this isn't exactly the meeting
that I was expecting to have, Melissa.
Missy.
Missy.
I am the sole breadwinner in my house.
There's no other source of income,
so I need to figure out something.
Well, the team here has a
very exciting idea for you.
Okay.
How do you feel
about menopause?
_
♪ ♪
_
_
_
[Doorbell dings]
- [Dog barks]
- Oh, okay.
Thank you. What's this?
Enjoy. [Clicks tongue suggestively]
"A little 'me time' gift basket
from your Phoebe godmother."
"The Jimmee Lightning Rod?"
Jimmee.
- [Cell phone vibrating]
- Jeez.
[Upbeat accordion music]
♪ ♪
_
So what do you think?
It's cute, right? Yeah.
I mean...
Throw some artwork on the walls.
- Yeah.
- Put down a rug or two.
Of course, we have to Christen the place.
- Christen?
- Mm-hmm.
Did you forget?
I'm a full Jew, lady.
[Chuckles]
Okay, wait. Wait, wait.
Oh, your mouth is saying "wait,"
but it is feeling very "go" down here.
I know. I know. I got to... okay.
I got to unpack before I pick up the kids.
Come on.
I'm just so anxious.
I mean, Abby has home
court advantage, literally.
The kids grew up there.
I want them to...
I want them to want to be here too.
Of course you do.
[Sighs]
I could bring over some fonuts later.
We could play charades or something.
Too soon?
Just thought I'd offer.
I totally get it. Thank
you for understanding.
I do have something for the anxiety though.
Yeah, yeah, I can't take pills.
They make me feel like I know how to dance.
- I had a bad prom experience.
- [Both laugh]
I'm talking about a more holistic approach,
redirecting that nervous energy.
Mmm.
[Yelps]
Barry Juck, our senior partner, Al Wilcox.
Al, The Animal.
I heard you were the [Bleep], man.
Barry Juck, I think your
films are the [Bleep].
- Thanks for coming.
- Forgive me. Forgive me,
I'm so sorry I'm late.
Everybody, Barry, Lyla Straley.
We met at the Arianna Huffington
Save the Dolphins Benefit last year.
Right.
You outbid Clooney
for the puppy in the live auction.
You were pretty intense there.
Well, why should Clooney win, right?
- [Laughter]
- Anyway, forgive my lateness.
We are all so excited that you're here.
- So maybe we should start.
- Absolutely.
- Great. Let's.
- Absolutely.
Have a seat.
What happened to story time?
Your bull[Bleep] was enough fiction for me,
and I took care of it.
Ladies, hello?
- Yes.
- Hi.
[Children chatting]
Spencer's mom, Ms. Straley,
sent me to read to the children.
I'm sorry, but story time is supposed to be
a chance for the parent
to interact with the class.
Mama.
[Paloma Faith's Trouble With My Baby]
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ooh, ooh ♪
♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ well, you ask for money ♪
♪ it's always something ♪
♪ we're getting close to good-bye ♪
♪ you're running out of time ♪
[Groans]
♪ A shoulder to cry on ♪
♪ instead of someone on mine ♪
♪ got to draw the line, baby, baby ♪
♪ trouble with my baby ♪
Amazing, right?
I mean, great Chinese food right next door.
Lilly, could you pass that moo shu?
Lills?
My God.
Jade and Savannah are
with Xander and Vinnie.
I can't believe I'm missing this.
Look, I was thinking for tonight,
this place has a huge gym,
a huge pool, and a hot tub.
Ew.
Who knows what's gone on in there?
Like what?
Nothing.
Lilly.
I'm full. I'm gonna go play Xbox.
Or if you wanted to go out,
Charlie, I was thinking
we could go bowling,
or we could play monopoly.
Lame.
[Program beeping flatly]
- Dad, I can't log in.
- Okay.
I'm supposed to be playing
with Zach and Chu right now.
Let me see.
They're at Hollywood and Highland.
Jade's all over Xander. This is killing me.
I'm literally dead.
Shut your piehole.
- Shut your piehole, ass munch.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- You guys, language.
- [Woman wailing]
- Dad? What's going on?
- I don't know you!
Oh, there's... they're
just playing make-believe.
There's an acting class next door, okay?
You know, you promised we'd have Internet.
I know. I'm doing the best I can.
Great night, dad. Thanks a lot.
Stella!
Quiet!
Sorry.
Let's go do it. Let's go do it.
All right.
[Rej3ctz's Cat Daddy]
♪ Cat daddy ♪
♪ man, I go to work, true winner ♪
♪ jeans skinny, like squidward ♪
♪ move your arms like
your wheelchair stuntin' ♪
♪ drop low, grab your shoulder like ♪
♪ tell power 106 to bang this [Bleep] ♪
♪ big up to the bro Sam, he
the king of this [Bleep] ♪
♪ call me spongebob,
stackin' krabby patties ♪
♪ I go to work, do my cat daddy ♪
♪ ♪
I got the lamb and you got the chicken.
Oh, we're gonna switch.
It looks like it's gonna be good.
Yeah, we'll switch halfway through.
[Phone jingles]
Ah, it's date night. You said no phones.
Because when your phone rings,
the crisis is, I don't know,
about your ad campaign for pop chips,
but when my phone rings,
it might be the sitter.
Screw the sitter.
This is our time.
If the house is on fire,
you'll never forgive yourself.
Bitch.
It's Jake.
That's wonderful. Call him in the morning.
Well, he's having a
rough time with the kids.
His first night at the new place.
And he wants you to come over?
No.
Max, my love, you need to stay out of this.
She's your sister.
[Stammering] But he was my friend first.
Am I just supposed to pretend
that relationship didn't exist?
No, of course not, but look,
right now everyone is really raw.
Nothing good can come from
getting involved in this,
not for Jake, not for your sister,
and not for you.
You're right.
You're right. Of course I'm right.
Gentlemen, can I get you
another bottle of the cab?
- Maybe a Shiraz this time.
- You got it.
Thank you.
The Internet was working this morning,
- but now it says, "4935 fail."
- [Groaning]
No, I don't know what that means.
It means my friends are at top shop,
and I'm here at the fun-pocalypse.
[Crying] They're playing without me.
Sweetie, I know. I know.
I'm trying. My child's crying.
- [Phone jingles]
- What?
Yes, I'm sorry.
You just got a text from Becca Riley.
Sweetie, give me the phone.
"How's it going" from Becca Riley.
Lilly. Lilly, hey.
Lilly, watch it.
Yes.
You should invite her over.
- No, that's not happening.
- Please?
- You would make my life.
- No, Sweetie.
- Please?
- No. Stop it.
- No, not you.
- Dad, I'm not stupid.
I know she's your girlfriend.
[Crying]
Please?
[Slurring] What would Dr. Marber do?
Oh, yeah.
4,000 pounds.
I'm enjoying a relationship
with two men simultaneously,
the first called Ben, the other, Jerry.
Number of current boyfriends, zero.
Number of calls from ex-boyfriend...
You have absolutely no messages.
[Crying]
Lyla, it's me, Abby.
Um, you were right.
I'm really not good.
Can you just bring Phoebe and you and...
I'm just not good.
Fix the goddamn window.
How hard is it to fix the goddamn window?
[Grunts]
Oh! Oh!
[Bleep].
[Groans]
Help?
- OK. Stay calm.
- OK.
- Just another minutes.
- Oh, my God.
[Gasps]
- Oh, my God.
- I got stuck.
I yelled until the neighbors called 911.
I have to take a photo. Come on.
- Don't you dare.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my God.
- Pull.
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my goodness.
Can you move them? Any wounds?
Just my pride.
Thank you, Wayne. Thank you.
Best call I've had all week.
- Thank you, Wayne.
- Thank you.
There's the front door,
if you could shut it
because we left it open.
[Whispering] So embarrassing.
Some salve for your wounds? How horrible.
- Oh, my good.
- Oh, my gosh.
The cavalry arrives in a Prius.
You guys,
I'd like to introduce
you to my friend Becca.
- Charlie, Becca. Becca, Charlie.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hi.
- This is Lilly.
Lilly, nice to meet you.
She's a really big Blood Sisters fan.
Huge.
Seriously, last week
when you stabbed Sebastian
after he kissed you and
stole your life force?
- [Laughs]
- I did not see that coming.
Oh, my God, nobody did.
My Twitter feed blew up.
Thank you so much for
the poster, by the way.
- I love it so much.
- Of course.
Maybe we should go out
and do something fun.
Yeah. You guys ever been to lucky strike?
- Um, bowling?
- Yeah, I love bowling.
I do too.
Great.
Hey, hey, sorry it took
so long to get back to you.
Have The Animals eaten the zookeeper?
Uh, no, I got it under control.
That's great. How'd you pull that off?
[Pins clatter]
Oh! So close!
I'll take it.
Jake, what's all that
noise in the background?
- Dad, it's your turn.
- Okay, I'll be right there.
Max, I did a bad thing.
Charlie and Lilly are
bowling with Becca Riley.
Jake, that's nuclear.
You... I got to go.
Really? Sneaking phone calls?
A little juvenile, don't you think?
- Only a little.
- You finished now?
Yes. Jake's got it under control.
They're bowling with Becca Riley.
- Becca Riley?
- Yeah.
You know Blood Sisters is my favorite show.
So?
Oh, my God.
You incredible hypocrite.
You...
This vodka's not working.
Hoping for redemption
yet careening down a shame spiral?
- Yes.
- It'll work.
You just have to drink through it.
My ex-husband's girlfriend is
plastered on my daughter's wall.
- My brand is dead.
- No.
- I have no more ideas.
- No, no, no.
- My career is over.
- No.
- No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, you are gonna write
something new, something better.
You just have to give yourself a break.
I have a book idea.
Ten Reasons to Hate Delia Banai,
and I have 74 just off the top of my head.
Lyla, we are not bashing Delia tonight.
I'm a muse. She has writer's block. Right?
- [Vibrator buzzing]
- Aha.
I figured it out.
And I put an app on your
phone so you can control it.
Whatever happened to two fingers
and your imagination?
- [Vibrator buzzing]
- No.
I know, I know, the bushwhack
setting's a little aggro.
I get it.
- No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- What?
Look what Lilly posted on Instagram.
Is that Becca Riley?
And Max and Lilly doing karaoke.
[New wave music]
All: ♪ hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ ooh, oh ♪
So a Porsche, a divorce, and
a girlfriend half your age.
You're checking off all the
boxes for midlife crisis.
She is 61.63% of my age, for the record.
- You actually did the math?
- Yeah, I did.
[Chuckles]
All: ♪ tell me your
troubles and doubts ♪
You realize you're gonna pay for this.
Big time.
I mean, we don't have to tell.
I'm just saying, what she
doesn't know won't hurt her.
You expect Charlie and
Lilly to also not tell?
We got Annie Leibovitz
up there with the camera,
and the kid with the ice cream
isn't exactly CIA material.
[Chuckles]
Who puts a heart over an I?
A 10-year-old
- and Jake's girlfriend.
- [Laughs]
Seriously, he promised that
she would not be coming over.
The lying prick.
I'm smoking in my daughter's bedroom.
This is like bad parenting 101!
Shh, shh.
- God, take it. Take it.
- Shh.
This is lacking, you know?
It's... it's wanting.
It's been scrubbed of humanity.
I don't know if it's Photoshop, or...
or the fact that she's 10.
Whatever it is,
will you restore the humanity?
[Giggles]
All: ♪ rain keeps falling ♪
♪ rain keeps falling down ♪
Dad, check it.
I've got, like, 400 likes on Instagram.
That's, like, basically impossible.
Amazing.
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
Wait, did you post it to Instagram?
♪ Ooh, oh ♪
Abby liked it.
At the top. That one.
Come one, Charlie. You got it. You got it.
[Laughs] Do you feel better?
I mean, I-I don't know.
I'm a feminist,
and it's not Becca's fault
that Jake is a midlife cliche.
Yes, I... I do actually feel much better.
You should, because we've empowered her.
We've given her a gift.
I mean, the kid is only 10,
and she is, like...
She's got a little more heft.
She says, "yes, I am.
Yes, I am."
When Lilly sees it,
she's gonna lose her mind.
[Laughing]
Oh, my God.
What have I done?
♪ Some people talk about you ♪
♪ like they know all about you ♪
♪ when you get down, they doubt you ♪
She's wearing a black
halter and black shorts,
and she's holding a stake.
No, no, not a meat steak.
No, it has to be season two.
No? Okay, thank you anyway.
Bye. They don't have it.
Oh, my God, I am so high, which was fun,
but now is not.
That store on La Brea is closed.
Okay, no, no, no, no. Please don't close.
Don't close. We will be
there in five minutes.
There is one more at a
store on Hollywood Boulevard.
- Omar, take a left on Ivar.
- Do it!
- Go!
- To Hollywood Boulevard!
[All cheer]
What possible story would cover you and us
and karaoke with Becca Riley?
Coincidence.
I decided to take the kids out,
and we ran into you guys.
And then we just happened
to run into Becca?
Okay, she might buy it if you back me up.
Dude, I have to bail myself out here.
I've been caught consorting with the enemy.
The enemy?
That's ridiculous.
Jake, she's my sister.
And I have to divorce you too?
I can't afford another lawyer.
Hey, the sitter just texted me.
The kids are waiting up. We should go.
Jake, she's lovely.
Mm, love you. Come on.
Here we go.
Ah! [Jabbering]
Abby's life going down
the toilet, take one.
Does this donut make me look blonde?
Oh, my God, give me a
bite of that right now.
Mmm.
- So good.
- Nate.
I thought you backed him up.
I did back him up,
but he's launching an major charm attack
which I'm not gonna go
for because he's married.
- Mm.
- Ta-da!
Oh, my God, is that it?
This is it, mama.
Thank you, Phoebe Godmother.
Where would I be without you?
Well, you'd probably
be doing something nasty
with that paramedic.
[Both chuckle]
What language is that?
What? Oh, no.
So close.
I think you just need to lie to Llilly.
Just lie to Lilly.
Just tell her that there was a leak,
and that the poster got ruined.
[Phone beeps]
Oh. Um, Omar?
The Kogi truck stops
at the Yogurtland on
Hollywood in 10 minutes.
- I'm such a terrible mother.
- Mm-mm.
I should just check
Lilly into "promises" now.
Come on.
We're going to the land of yogurt.
Be of good cheer.
She's never gonna forgive me.
[Groans]
I didn't want to play this card.
What card?
Delia used to represent
the executive producer of Blood Sisters.
- They're super tight.
- What?
I'm guessing he can get us a poster.
- What?
- I'm s... I know. I'm sorry.
- Call Delia.
- I'm sorry.
No, please don't make me.
She will own me.
She will hold it over me.
Guilt, duty, obligation.
- Please don't make me call.
- Lyla.
It's like a wookiee life debt.
- You have to.
- Please.
I know. I know.
I realize it's a lot to ask
at this late hour, believe me.
I don't want to be asking
it, but it's not for me.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
Think of the bonds of friendship.
Hey, stop, stop, stop.
Obviously, generally speaking,
we don't have a bond. You are incredible.
- We don't have a bond.
- Delia.
Hi, can you make it happen?
Really? [Muffled] Really?
Oh, my God, you are our
knight in shining Armani.
- We love you. Thank you. Bye.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- She's so great.
She's going to meet us with
the poster in 20 minutes.
- How does she do that?
- 20 minutes.
- How does she do it?
- I don't know.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh.
I love you.
Why are you thanking her?
Can you believe this?
I want...
I would have killed for
a night alone in my house
when I was married,
and now that I get it, I fell apart.
- Of course.
- Oh, my God.
Because it's a different kind of alone.
Now you're alone alone.
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
- Did it?
- No.
No.
I think it was, like,
eight months into my divorce
that I realized maybe
I'm not incredibly horny.
Maybe I just sleep with
these people on my free nights
because I want the company.
That's so crazy, right?
Yeah.
No, you're incredibly horny, honey.
I know I am.
- I am incredibly horny.
- Yeah.
I'm horny right now.
[Sighs]
Morning, ladies.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Mwah.
- Hi, gorgeous.
- Both: Mwah.
Oh, Lyla.
You've got a thousand bucks
worth of cocaine on your chest,
or you're getting it on with Mr. Donut.
[Laughs]
Delia, thank you so much
for interrupting what was
probably an awesome evening.
No problem.
Prince showed up at
Downey's party, and you know,
I love the little guy,
but he just takes over.
So ready to go.
I have something for you.
Is this what you were looking for?
Oh, my God, yes.
Oh, my God, thank you so much. Mwah.
Thank... you have no
idea. Thank you so much.
Never let it be said I
do not go the extra mile
for a client...
Or a friend.
[Groans]
- Is it in English?
- Thank you, Delia.
Ah.
And so the great
poster-capade comes to a close.
Call us if you need anything, all right?
- Bye.
- Bye.
Come here.
You are a great mom.
It's all gonna be okay.
- Yup. Thank you. I know.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Bleep].
Oh, what is it?
How is this all gonna be okay?
[Horn honks]
[Car door clicks]
- Hi.
- Hi, mom.
Oh, hey, hi.
- Did you have fun?
- You were right, mom.
Dad's place was super fun.
I bet it was.
Seriously, Jake?
Look, it's a long story.
It shouldn't be a story.
You said you would tell me
before something like this happened.
Well, the kids had a great
time, and Lilly was in heaven.
Oh, I bet she was.
She and Becca are in the same peer group.
We had a deal: No others
until they're significant.
Maybe she is.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe Becca is significant to me?
- Oh. Oh.
- Mom!
Look, we did have an
agreement, and I'm sorry.
Where'd you get this cool lightsaber?
That's not a lightsaber.
That's mommy's toy.
I thought we weren't
gonna introduce the kids
to significant others.
I'll just go. Yeah.
Yeah. That'd be great.
Mom?
Yeah?
What's up?
Do we have photo paper?
Yeah, in the office. Why?
Look at this great shot.
I'm gonna print it and hang it over my bed.
What about the poster?
Posters are whatever.
This shows she's my actual friend.
Really?
My Instagram blew up last night.
It was amazing, mom.
And I got invited to Xander
Price's house next weekend.
So you're just gonna
trade on Becca Riley's fame
so that you can be popular?
What?
I'm just saying you don't want people
to be friends with you
for the wrong reasons.
You're just jealous 'cause
she's so pretty and young.
Wow.
Hold on, there.
Dad found someone awesome.
You know why? 'Cause he's awesome.
So it's too bad you kicked him out, huh?
But it's not my fault that you're alone
and you can't handle it.
I can't believe you did
karaoke with Becca Riley.
- She's so nice.
- That's so awesome.
Trust me, some day Lilly
is gonna be like, "ew.
Oh, my dad was ancient when he
was going out with Becca Riley."
I really screwed up with her, Max.
Wait, you're not gonna
yell at me and tell me
what a crappy brother I am?
I totally snapped on her about
the whole Becca Riley thing.
You know, her being so excited?
And it's not her fault.
She's a teenager.
It's just Jake's moving on,
and I need to learn how to deal with it.
Abs, give yourself a break.
It just really hurt that all
of you were out, you know?
My kids, my brother, all
having fun without me.
Abs, I'm just trying to figure
out how to navigate here,
and no one sent me a map.
I know you and Jake go way back,
and you're allowed to have that.
I just need to feel like I have first dibs.
Abby...
always.
- It's a deal.
- Deal?
Deal.
Don't worry about Becca with
the kids, 'cause she is great.
No, no, no.
- Yeah, right.
- Wow, too soon.
Yup.
Okay.
I can't believe Jake
wouldn't fix the window.
- Right?
- What a douche?
- So much better.
- Uh.
- Hi, Abby.
- Hi.
Brutus.
[Laughs]
Address these things...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Lyla, have a seat.
Dan? Is everything okay?
[Clears throat]
Am I in trouble?
If it is about the *** bag.
I know, and we've been working
on getting him to give it up
and have one that is more "locker-friendly."
Lyla, it's been brought to my attention
that you sent your nanny to story time.
- Yes.
- Unavoidable work complication.
It takes a village, right?
The rules in the school
handbook are very clear.
Parent volunteers may not send a proxy.
Juanita's a very gifted storyteller.
I'm sure she is.
That's not really the point.
It sends a message to the children
that they're not your priority.
Excuse me?
Would an apology help here?
I understand that divorce
can be a trying time,
so an apology...
- No, no, no, no.
By all means, I apologize.
I apologize for having a job.
I'm sorry I make a substantial income
to pay for your green-grocer, small-batch,
locally-sourced,
farm-to-table,
- epically-butchered...
- Lyla.
Hormone-free,
- gluten-intolerant bills.
- Lyla.
But here's the thing.
I don't work, my kids don't go to school.
So if you want to call and
tell me tuition is free,
I be happy to be here to story time.
and arbor day and kid's court
and snack bar and talent night
and the nose-picking Olympics
and every other bull[Bleep] holiday
that costs me a fortune.
But if you're not gonna tell
me it's free, I've got to work,
'cause I'm a working mother with
a boatload of mouths to feed.
Is there anything else
you'd like to discuss
pertaining to my children?
Don't call me in here again.
[Phone ringing]
Damn it.
Yes? I know, I know, I know.
Please tell the Disney
people that I'm about to...
I'm running late. My
morning meeting went long.
Thank you.
[Drill whirring]
[Imitating explosions]
[Window bangs] [Gasps]