Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - Rule #23: Never Lie to the Kids - full transcript

[Gin Wigmore's "Man like that"]

♪ I don't really want to wake you ♪

♪ I just came to get my things ♪

♪ but the pretty little
thing lying there beside you ♪

♪ better take off my wedding ring ♪

Hey, everybody, we're back with America's

favorite girlfriend, Abby McCarthy

of the Girlfriends' Guide book series!

I love 'em, love 'em. Every baby shower,

the mom-to-be always gets one,
two, or all of those books.

Thank you. Yes.



And you know what's really great?

They're not bossy.

- It's more about your own family.
- Right.

Real advice from a real mom.

You know, this new book,

when our kids were finally
both in school, my husband

and I looked at each other
and went, "who are you?"

It was a real adjustment for us,

and I just hope that people who
are going through the same thing

get something out of this book.

Wait a minute, how is Jake?
Are things going well there?

Well, I mean, you know,

like I say in the book,
happiness is a moving target,

- but Jake and I are...
- Buddy, how's it going?



We're just connecting in a whole new way.

♪ You're stepping in ♪

♪ he's got more where that came from ♪

♪ you're not so special in the end ♪

♪ I'm messing up the place,
kicking down the door ♪

♪ never want to see his face no more ♪

♪ ooh ooh girl, you better wake up ♪

♪ ooh ooh girl, you better run ♪

♪ he's gone first
thing in the morning ♪

[Bed creaks]

[Sighs]

You smell like sex.

Screw you.

♪ Girl, you got to wonder ♪

♪ girl, you got to wonder
about a man like that ♪

♪ girl, you got to wonder
girl, you got to wonder ♪

♪ girl, you got to wonder
about a man like that ♪

♪ girl, you got to wonder
girl, you got to wonder ♪

♪ girl, you got to wonder
about a man like that ♪

♪ girl, you got to wonder
about a man like that ♪

- [Door closes]
- Mommy!

[Gasps]

Good morning, Bun-bun. Oh.

Give me an eskimo.

Mm, I love that.

Daddy, I'm a special
person at school this week.

You're a special person every week, kiddo.

Oh, hi, Lils.

Morning. What's happening?

Well, volleyball finals are all weekend,

so I'm missing Jade's birthday party.

- [Urinating]
- Door closed, please.

Yeah, no one needs to see
that before coffee, dad.

It's a sleepover at the London.

Her mom's got the penthouse suite.

Hey, give that to Charlie.

After volleyball, can't you drive me?

The London hotel. That just seems crazy.

Here you go, sweetie.

- Mom?
- Yeah?

Is it weird that I like the smell

of my own farts?

- Yes.
- No.

Gross, Charlie.

- Daddy?
- Mm-hmm.

You're gonna help me with my
special person board, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- I'm on it, Bun-bun.

_

Lilly, I thought Jade was the one

who was writing all those
mean texts about you.

She was going through some stuff.

She just found out she's adopted.

You know what? You're a teenager,

- and there are gonna be plenty of awesome hotels
- _

- and awesome parties...
- So I can't go?

- In your future.
- Dad.

Up to your mom, she who must be obeyed.

- Well?
- I will think about it, Lil.

Now haul ass. We're leaving.

Backpack, Charlie.

Backpack, Charlie.

Love you.

Bye.

Love you, Lilly.

[Horn honks in the distance]

Okay, Charlie and Lilly are in.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Keep smiling, okay?

Yes, I will.

Coffee, mama?

I am seriously still drunk

on last night's cava. Have you been...

People are giving me, like,
a face, like, a sympathy face.

- They are? Really?
- Yes.

Where are my children?

I didn't see them.

Anouk? Anouk, Luco!

- Mrs. Wills.
- What?

They were outside trying
to cross the street again.

- Oh, my...
- You crazies.

I told you to stay with mama.

Sorry.

Thank you so much.

I'm horrible. Go to class now.

If you see Charlie, just
tell him I have his shoe.

Do you think people know?

What? About you and Jake splitting?

- Sorry.
- God.

- I gotta find Charlie.
- Okay.

I will see you...

- Later.
- Yes.

Ugh, come on.

[Funkadelic's "Can you get to that?"]

♪ I once had a life ♪

♪ or rather, life had me ♪

♪ I was one among many ♪

♪ or at least I seemed to be ♪

♪ can you get to that? ♪

♪ Can you get ♪

♪ can you get to that? I want to know ♪

Did you tell anyone at
school about me and Jake?

Of course not. I'm a lawyer.

- You're not my lawyer.
- Not yet.

Just let me know when you're
ready to ditch your moron.

Well, people know. I can tell.

Eric Frank eye-banged me at drop-off.

He's like a divorce-seeking missile.

Yeah, well, he
finger-banged Marjorie Davis,

- so count yourself lucky.
- Oh, my God.

Did you see Dan this morning?

Did he look hungover to you?

I... we were late.

He was out until 3:00 in
the morning last night,

left the kids with a sitter.

Lyla, you cannot have people followed.

He leaves the kids with
a sitter on his night.

He can't do that perverted
shit during the day?

He's got no job.

All this anger, you need to let it go.

You need to cry, be sad.

You know what makes me cry?

What a spectacular piece of shit he is.

50 grand a month I give that man,

and now he's after my pension.

All I need to do...
hello... is prove him unfit.

Then I get the kids, and he can't live

off the child support.

- He's entitled to half.
- No.

If he were a woman, you
would say the same thing.

If he were a woman, I'd understand

why he's got no balls, but failing that...

[laughs]

Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking...

Hey, Abby! Over here.

- Hi, good morning.
- Both: Hi.

- It's Layla, right?
- Lyla.

Hey, woman, where have
you been hiding yourself?

- Sit. Let's catch up.
- We can't.

We're actually meeting Phoebe inside...

- Yes.
- For coffee.

- There she is.
- Both: Hi.

- I'm gonna go get us a table.
- Great.

Hello, you beautiful bitches.

- Mm.
- I will see you inside.

So, hey, I saw Jake at drop-off yesterday.

Are you guys cleansing?

You look so thin.

- I think she's ordering for us.
- Is she?

- I'm so sorry.
- It could get cold.

- We'll see you guys later.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Nice seeing you.

Well, those moms know.

- Trying to break me. I'm just...
- They are not.

They are obsessed with
Phoebe and cleansing.

No, the cleanse is the divorce diet.

- Hey! Hey!
- No, it's just a cleanse

- sometimes.
- Max, oh, my God.

I called you, like, six times,

and mom hasn't heard from you either.

- I know, I'm sorry.
- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- Lyla, did you say hi to Max?

Hi, Max.

- Hi.
- Um...

So are you, like, friends
with those two now or...

You know what?

Um, I'm gonna call you back,
I promise, and I love you.

Your brother's super foxy.

Her brother, super foxy?

- Are you in a tab commercial?
- No.

I have got to stop avoiding him.

He's really getting suspicious.

Why haven't you told him
yet? You're very close.

- Just tell him.
- We are.

It's just that he is incredibly
traditional about some things.

Yeah, but you can't keep
this a secret forever.

Jake hasn't been living at home for weeks.

Yeah, but we've been very careful.

He's always home before the kids get up.

- But nobody sees you together.
- Yeah.

And suddenly you're hanging around with us.

The whores with the
Scarlet D on their chests.

I wouldn't characterize it like that.

No, I would.

I actually thought that about yours.

I think it's time.

You got to tell your kids you're separated.

Keeping this a secret...

Betsy Brown Braun says it's better not to.

She says separation's so vague, and...

Who's Betsy Brown Braun Braun?

Betsy Brown Braun.

Fantastic specializing...

- Amazing.
- In divorce and children.

- I have her on speed dial.
- Great to know.

But maybe I won't even have
to tell the kids at all,

because if Jake moves back in,

then we all go back to normal,

and the kids will never have
to even know he was gone.

But he's been promiscuous
and, uh, not discreet.

I know he's been dating,

and he has been rubbing my nose in it,

but he's allowed because we are on a break.

We are taking a time-out
to explore what we want.

What he wants is a sports car

and club snatch.

Abby,

Ralf saw him at the
Château with the CW actress.

They were getting a room.

Uh, sorry.

Sorry.

Not my business. Um...

A CW actress. Does she play a parent?

We are just telling you this
because we think it's time

- for you to move on.
- What's her name?

- I don't know.
- We don't know...

- Phoebe.
- And we don't care.

- Phoebe.
- I don't know.

- Tell me.
- We don't know.

- You are lying to me.
- We don't know.

Becca Riley.

[Typing]

Born in 1989. 1989!

Jake and I graduated college in 1989.

- All right.
- Do you know that he texted me this morning

asking me for more money for his expenses?

- Okay, Abby, Abby, breathe.
- These are his expenses?

- Abby, relax.
- No.

- Will you just...
- This is not good.

Nice work, Wikileaks.

Oh my God. It...

What did you say?

- Ugh.
- Okay.

"Which bills do you need
me to pay specifically?

The suite at the Château, the
Princess Diaries on demand?"

Nice. "Therapy for Lilly
when she finds out her dad

trolls for dates at
One Direction concerts?"

- Wow. That's a good response.
- Mm-hmm.

- Good response.
- I know.

You know what? I think we
need to go to a sweat lodge.

We need to purge of this toxic crap.

I say she needs to buy
things, you dirty hippie.

[Laughs]

Here's the upside.

It's over with Jake.
You know you can move on.

It's not that simple.

- I mean, Jake's angry because...
- Screw that.

Why aren't you exploring?

Use your sexual amnesty while you have it.

- You can't smoke in here.
- Mm.

- It's not...
- They're organic.

- She...
- Here. Try some.

- Oh, no rules for Phoebe!
- No.

The first thing I did when Ralf and I split

was fly to Berlin and
screw myself into a coma.

Oh, my God, we should all go.

My au pair can stay with our kids.

- Sure.
- Yes.

Let us get right on that.

At the very least,

you should come out with me one
night when Jake has the kids.

Ralf opened a new club.

You're always hanging out with your ex.

- It's unusual.
- I know, it's shocking.

I like him, and he gets
me impossible reservations.

You need this.

Excuse me.

- You can't smoke in here.
- Every time.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- You just got in trouble.
- Whoop.

♪ Abby's gonna get her groove on ♪

- ♪ Abby's gonna get her groove ♪
- Oh, my God.

[Laughs]

No, I mean, I would, but it's just...

What?

Uh, you know, the idea of
somebody new seeing me naked

- and baby boobs.
- So fix 'em.

I have the best tit doctor in the world.

- Touch 'em.
- Really?

- Yeah, just... full frontal, go.
- I will.

Okay.

- Wow!
- They're pretty good, right?

- That is impressive!
- I mean, impressive.

I mean, I don't feel a bag or anything.

No, it's like, seamless operation.

Yeah!

Don't mind them. She's
just showing off her work.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Amazing. Dr. Marber is an artist.

Dr. Marber? No way.

- Do it.
- Oh, wow.

Oh, my God! Ah!

Wow, that is... thank you.

Four matching boobs. They are gorgeous.

Where are my pores? I look like a cyborg.

I know, isn't it great?

Look, it's just for the
book tour stuff, you know.

Fine, just go with it. Android.

Oh, now, we're getting media
requests for the whole family

- together, you know, Dr. Phil.
- No.

- Dr. Oz.
- No.

Any of the doctors?

No. No, I don't want
the kids on television.

Why not?

I mean, you wrote about them.

Your readers feel like they know you,

like they've watched your kids growing up.

In their imaginations.

Reality, have you seen my daughter?

She's all lithe and gorgeous.

She's, like, a minute
away from Cruise's guy

asking her to be Tom's next child bride.

[Sighs] Just you and Jake then.

He's not as cute as the kids,
but I'll take what I can get.

You know, it's not just
you that we're selling.

It's the whole family.

He's very busy.

Doing what?

He is prepping an indie
that he is going to direct.

So is our waiter.

Look, tell him he's coming, no excuses.

Sure.

- Everything okay?
- I'm fine.

I'll tell him. I'll tell him.

It's not that I don't care.

I just don't care right now.

All right? I got to go.

Okay.

- You're going.
- All right.

- All right, baby.
- Bye.

See you and Jake, Barnes & Noble,

I'll have the press there,

do a couple of interviews,
a couple of happy snaps.

- Easy peasy.
- Yeah.

- You look great.
- Bye, Cat. Thank you.

Bye, darling.

Easy peasy.

Cat said that Jake needs
to be at the book signing.

He does. United front
sells books, you know.

If he's not there, it hurts the brand.

Jake doesn't care about the brand,

and besides, I basically
called him a child molester.

So what? You know what?

These guys, they don't see the big picture.

This is about your financial future.

You, Lilly, Charlie. This is important.

- [Doorbell rings]
- Oh, there's Dan.

He's gonna want to talk about money,

I can guarantee you... these guys.

Call me after.

- Bye.
- [Doorbell rings]

Yes, Poppy.

Yes, it's a doorbell. I know, sweet pea.

I know, I know, I know.

- Niños! Como estan?
- Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Hi. I missed you.

Get over here.

- I missed you so much.
- Ouch.

I know ouch.

There are surprises in your
rooms if you go into your rooms.

- Thank you, Juanita.
- Si, señora.

Don't do that. They don't need
surprises just for coming home.

Yes, they do. What are you feeding Eric?

- He's getting breasts.
- No, he's not.

So they said get a bunch of ladybugs

'cause it's supposed to take
care of something in the gar...

aphids or something like that, like...

I wanted to tell you
before you heard around,

I met somebody.

Oh.

Well, I hope you two will be very happy

together in your dungeon.

Does she know about your adventures?

That's over. I just... this
new thing is getting serious.

Hang on. You told me you
committed to a new lifestyle.

I thought I did.

I think... I just

craved being humiliated
when you and I were together.

You know, I've done a lot
of work on myself, babe,

and if you remember,

it was work that I thought
you and I should do together.

I remember you hemorrhaging
my money to a dominatrix.

- You did.
- No.

You gave up when you licked the boot, babe.

[Sighs]

Juanita has made too much food.

Would you like to eat with me and the boys?

Yeah.

[The DNC's Num Num]
♪ num num ♪

♪ so come on spoil me treat
me as if I was a brat ♪

♪ I'm enjoying this girl,
yeah, as if you was all that ♪

[People moaning]

♪ But I'll be back
for one other snack ♪

♪ next stop, the love cave,
drop by and we could chat ♪

♪ when I see you, baby
girl, I be like, num num ♪

♪ no doubt, girl, I want
a bite of that num num ♪

♪ go ahead, girl, feed
me with that num num ♪

♪ I got to have it ♪

♪ give me that num num ♪

♪ when I see you, baby
boy, I be like, num num ♪

You are so competitive.

[Sighs]

♪ Num num I got to have it ♪

Okay, that stays between us.

I think we deserve one for the road.

Good.

Okay.

No more chicken nuggets for Eric.

Right. Call you tomorrow.

Okay.

[Engine starts]

[Dialing]

[Car departs]

Hi.

Yes, I would like to report a drunk driver.

[Siren wails]

Oh, no.

[Police radio chatter]

[Indistinct chatter]

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hi, Uncle Max. Hi, Ford.
- Logan, Logan.

- We're late again.
- Whoa.

It's Charlie's special day,
so we have to get into school.

Dad, carry this inward,
so nobody can see it.

All right, go ahead. All
right, come on inside.

- Max.
- Go ahead. Go ahead.

- Dad, inward!
- I got it.

I'll take the boys in.
You look spectacular...

- Thank you.
- As always.

Will you please tell my
husband pajama pants are not

acceptable drop-off wear?

Oh, do you want me to wait in the car,

so you won't be embarrassed or...

- Please.
- Okay.

Come on.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Let's go, buddy, we don't want to be late.

What's going on with you and Jake?

I'm hearing rumors.

Okay, um, you know that
we've been in therapy.

Mm.

Well, we are taking a break.

Jesus, Abby.

Well, I knew you guys were having problems.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because we're trying to keep it a secret.

Well, hanging out with your
new girlfriends isn't helping.

Phoebe and Lyla.

Uh-huh. What about it?

Oh, come on, Abby, they're
the poster models for divorce.

We used to mock them,
remember, with their surgeries

and their outfits and their kegels.

Well, I was wrong about them,

and they've really been there for me.

That's because they got divorced.

You have to know they're encouraging you.

- Misery loves company.
- That is so not fair.

I have to go to Charlie's
thing, but we will talk.

- Okay?
- Okay. Okay.

Abby, Abby.

I know you guys can work it out.

Me too. Thank you.

Pajama pants.

If you weren't so good-looking,
they'd take away your gay card.

Uh, hey, I need... not a favor exactly...

- but the book signing at the...
- Hey, where do you get off

sending those texts,
Abby? We're on a break.

- I'm sorry.
- I mean, the Princess Diaries?

Well, it was funny, but you know what?

I had a reaction, and I'm sorry. Yeah.

But at the signing, we need
to present a united front.

- What's that mean?
- You have to come.

The book won't sell if
people think we're in trouble.

Well, then it won't sell.

Bad enough that the kids have
to live with everyone reading

about their adorable poops
and the bed wetting and...

Those poops put you through film school.

Hey, you know, maybe you
should write a book about lying

'cause it turns out

- you're really good at it.
- Nice.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Charlie's ready for you.

Great.

My mommy writes books about us.

She was even on TV one time.

This is me, mommy, and
daddy on Splash Mountain.

Best day ever.

Screw it.

Hey, mama, what's up?

You win.

Get me laid.

Dan can't drive for at least three months.

Doesn't look good in family court.

If he's deemed unfit, I
get full custody. Boom.

No child support for the ginger man.

- I'm judging you.
- Don't give me the gesture.

[Overlapping chatter]

Where is everybody?

This is fab-u-lous.

No one's dancing.

Look at you.

- Hey, baby.
- Come on.

Told you we'd make it.

Fantastic.

Ladies, lovely to see you.

Will, would you like to show these beauties

to the other room?

Absolutely, yes.

It's like hipster Disneyland.

[Electronic dance music]

♪ ♪

[Song changes]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm open to something
new new new new ♪

♪ and tonight we're getting ♪

I'm so glad we're friends, mama.

Me too. [Chuckles]

Here you go.

Oh, you, sir, are made of rainbows.

You bring great joy to many.

Yes, I do.

[Laughs]

What's the story with you and Ralf?

You two seem awfully friendly.

- Don't judge.
- No judge.

- He gets off on paying me now.
- Child support?

No, he has to pay that and alimony.

- This is for services rendered.
- What?

- I know.
- Really? No.

I get these calls sometimes
in the middle of the day.

He's just dying for it.

So I just... I raise the
price up and up and up,

and he just goes up and up and up.

Like a new pair of Louboutins or...

like a Tesla.

- What?
- And now that...

Oh, my God.

Now that it's illicit again, he's obsessed.

Oh, my God. I called you a whore.

Please, mama, I was a model.

I am a whore.

No, I got a nice settlement from Ralf,

but it's always good to put money away.

Yeah.

Thinking about starting a business.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You and Lyla are, like, these independent,

lean-in women. I want that too.

- What kind of business?
- I don't know.

I'm meditating on it.

Definitely something that helps people.

But I didn't come to talk about me.

I came to talk about you. What's up?

I've seen at least five hot guys
try to get in your pants, no go?

It's just... it's too strange.

Why? Jake didn't waste
any time getting out there.

You need to be touched, Abby.

I know I do.

You don't do something soon,

I'm gonna have to take
matters into my own hands.

[Laughs] Okay.

What?

It'll do you good, mama.

That's what friends are for.

[Indistinct chatter]

Hey.

Forgot your phone.

Oh, sorry, thank you.

I thought that I was leaving,
and then I ended up...

Oh, no, it happens all the time.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Just... weird night.

- Yeah.
- And I got kissed.

Oh, I saw that. Yeah. [Chuckles]

Yeah.

So is that how you roll?

Who knows? I have not rolled in so long.

[Both chuckle]

You are not married.

- [Laughs]
- No.

Because when you're married,
this invisible wall goes up,

and one side is Legos and
stomach flus and farting

and date nights, and then
on the other side is bars

and sexting, snorting,

and bisexuals.

But when you're on the farting side,

you really don't believe in the other side.

- Here it is.
- Yes.

[Chuckles]

You people have been here all along.

Yeah. Sad but true.

This is what I do. I talk to the bartender.

Actually, the manager, but,
you know, it's all right.

- I'll let it go.
- [Laughs]

I like talking to you.

Can I... try something?

Please.

Okay.

[Both chuckle]

That's how I roll. Thank you.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, no, whoa.

Not so fast.

[Gunfire on TV]

[Laughs]

Oh, hey, man.

Abby, this is Mike, my
roommate, and, uh, those guys.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Aah!

What are you reading?

- Oh, elephant things.
- Yeah.

Hey, come here.

I just need, uh, a minute.

I, um...

It's been a long time,

and you would be my first younger man.

[Chuckles] Um, not that much. 28.

[Laughs] That's funny.

You know, I've never been with a woman

who's had children before, so that's...

Wow. Okay, well, on a
scale from one to ten,

one being a virgin and ten
being throwing a hot dog

down a hallway, I would
say that I am a five.

- That... that is good to know.
- [Both laugh]

I'm gonna undress you now.

- It'll make the sex easier.
- [Laughs]

- You're a looker, aren't you?
- Thank you.

No, I mean, you're an eye looker.

You look at women with your eyes.

As opposed to my elbows?

Wow, you are beautiful.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Sorry. Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, no, of course.

Hey. It's 2:00 in the morning!

I'm sorry you can't sleep.

No, I have not decided
about Jade's birthday party.

Tomorrow.

I promise.

Go to sleep.

- I love you.
- [Beep]

Teenage drama.

I think I should just go home.

No, no, no, no, no.

No way. No.

I am gonna give you the
younger man experience.

Shivers.

I think I'm a little natural
for you guys down there.

No. No, no, no, that's cool. I like that.

You do?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm really hairy.

[Chuckles]

[Lianne La Havas' "Is Your Love Big Enough?"]

[Upbeat music]

♪ Oh, is your love ♪

♪ big enough for what's to come? ♪

♪ Baby, let me know ♪

♪ is your love ♪

♪ big enough? ♪

♪ The past is done ♪

♪ baby, let me know ♪

Balls.

- What?
- Balls. Touch 'em.

- Touch 'em.
- Oh, sorry.

♪ The friends I've found
friends I've found ♪

- Jake. Oh, that's... oh, God.
- Yep.

- I'm sorry.
- Nope. No. It's fine.

- That's horrible.
- It's fine. It's okay.

- It's a bad habit.
- It's okay.

- It's okay.
- I'm so sorry.

Abby, I'm really trying to focus here.

I'm working hard, wouldn't you say?

♪ Oh, is your love ♪

♪ big enough for what's to come? ♪

♪ Baby, let me know ♪

Incredible.

Yeah, it was.

I mean, it's been so long,
you could have just put it in

and not moved, and my
mind would have blown,

so don't get a big head.

I mean, we did go more than once.

Yeah, but you're, like, two,

so you probably had six
orgasms already today.

- Five, but who's counting?
- [Laughs]

Hmm.

So, um...

You think you can? You know...

Stay married?

He found these emails
between me and someone else.

Did you love him?

It was intense but never physical.

He was just great with words.

Stupid.

Maybe I wanted to get caught.

Anything but go on the way we were.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know how...
that must have been hard.

I want to cook for you.

Can you hang out tomorrow?

Come on, you had a lot to drink.

Why don't you stay?

I'm fine.

Well, how do I get a hold of you?

Let's just let it happen.

What? What does that even mean?

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hang on. Here.
- Oh, thank you.

- There you go.
- Thanks.

Thanks a lot. Really.

[Both chuckle]

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

[Nelly Furtado's "Crazy"]

♪ I remember when ♪

♪ remember when I lost my mind ♪

♪ there was something so
pleasant about that phase ♪

♪ even your emotions had an echo ♪

Hey, it's me.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Um, good news.

My vagina is not dead.

It was just in a coma.

Oh, that is good news.

The bad news is that I
said Jake's name twice.

It's like 1/3 of my sex vocabulary.

Can't just shake it off,
huh, all those years?

♪ Does that make me crazy? ♪

Sweet pea, it's 5:00 A.M.

♪ Does that make me crazy? ♪

Crap.

♪ Does that make me crazy? ♪

♪ Probably ♪

♪ ♪

♪ and I hope that you are having ♪

♪ the time of your life ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ but think twice ♪

♪ that's my only advice ♪

Um, about the book signing today...

Was it him?

Oh, God. I told you it wasn't like that.

- I can't do this anymore, Abby.
- The shrink says...

Oh, my God, screw the shrink!

There's no way this is good for anybody.

Shh! Shh! The kids, the kids.

Sneaking in, having sex with other people?

- Jesus.
- You did, right?

You had sex with somebody
else. You want to get into this?

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, who you gonna bang
now that Gossip Girl's

- off the air, Jake?
- After we were separated, Abby.

- You're the one who...
- I never touched him.

No, no. What you did was worse.

Yeah, you felt for him
and confided in somebody.

- Because he listened!
- Confided in him.

Oh, Jesus.

He didn't feign interest
while he surfed the web!

He didn't take a dump while I
was pouring my heart out to him.

- Oh, it happened once.
- I begged you.

I asked you, "talk to me,"

"make love to me."

I was tired.

For five years?

- You want to make love?
- What?

Let's do it. No, I mean, we've talked,

and we've talked, and we've talked.

It's gotten us nowhere.

Let's make love.

Is this, like, a man thing,

like, someone else peed on me
and now you need to pee on me?

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

- Take off your dress.
- No, I can't.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

Jesus Christ.

- I'm sorry.
- Is your skin crawling?

- Is that what it's like now?
- It's not your fault.

That your skin is crawling?

Let's just make an
appointment with the shrink.

We can't talk without a doctor?

- No, I just don't want...
- No!

To say anything that we can't take back!

Why not?

Are you fighting for this
because it's what you want

or because you just can't
admit that you failed?

- That is not fair.
- No, you're the answer lady.

You sell answers.

- Great family.
- I do not sell.

And who's gonna want your answers?

I write about things I loved.

I loved us.

Screw you and your past tense.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

We're done. We're over.

- And then what?
- Yeah.

And then what? Two houses?

Kids shuttling back and forth?

Lawyers? I don't want that life.

Well, too bad. You made your bed.

No, no, don't put this on
me because I'm right here.

With your skin crawling, Abby!

Well, Jake, and yours not?

You could not have gotten
out of here fast enough

once you had an excuse,

and for what? What did you want?

Those stupid jeans?

- That stupid car and all the...
- Screw you.

Manscaping?

Or is it just all the new
pussy making you crazy?

Oh, it's the old pussy.

- Hey, Abby.
- No!

- Come on.
- You don't get to say that!

- Yeah.
- No!

Abby, please. Abby.

What are you doing?

Mommy!

Go back to your room.

I know you guys are getting a divorce.

We're not getting a divorce.

Abby, yes, we are.

We're not lying to you anymore.

What's a divorce?

Mom, I'm not an idiot.

Dad doesn't even live here anymore.

Lilly.

- Why didn't you say anything?
- I don't know, mom.

I thought maybe that'd be your job.

And are you wearing my earrings?

Oh, my God.

Lilly.

- Lilly.
- [Door slams]

It's your penis.

It's not a penis, honey.

- Penis, penis, penis.
- [Knocking on door]

- Mom?
- Yeah, baby.

Next year when I'm a special person,

will you and daddy both come,
or will I have to do it twice?

No, just once,

and daddy and I will still
do lots of stuff with you.

Okay? Promise.

Okay, bye, mom. I'll see you after school.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Have a good day.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Groans]

[Knocking on window]

Hey.

Come to talk to me, please?

I thought we were keeping
it together, but it's over.

Jake said he's calling a lawyer today.

- [Bleep].
- Yeah.

- Abby.
- Yeah.

That doesn't mean he really will.

- [Laughs]
- You want me to go talk to him?

No. Max, it's done.

He's gone.

He's banging some actress.

Becca Riley from the CW.

He's banging Becca Riley?

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, my God.

I got my book signing
at Barnes & Noble today.

How am I gonna sell?

I'm a liar, awful, pants on fire.

You're only a liar if you give up.

[Bleep] Happens, but you don't leave.

That's what we all signed up for.

That's marriage.

But it's not always that simple.

I guess I don't understand.

It's not like anybody was getting hit

or was an alcoholic or anything.

I'm so sorry I didn't get hit.

I realize that's hard for you.

What? Abby, no, don't. Don't.

Abby, I didn't mean it that way.

I didn't mean it that way!

[Engine starts]

- There you are.
- I got your text.

- Are you okay?
- Just my makeup

- and having to sell books.
- Why are you crying?

Oh, no. Come here.

Kids know. Lilly knew.

Come here.

Jake wants to file,

- and I had sex with some hot guy.
- You little dog.

And then I yell out Jake's name.

You know, I closed my eyes,

and it was like the ghost of Jake yelling,

"touch my balls. Touch my balls."

Yeah, but, you know, new balls
make us nostalgic, you know.

- You're only human.
- And then the kid was like,

- "let's hang, and let's cook."
- That's nice.

- That's awful.
- Two houses.

- Two of everything.
- Don't get ahead of yourself.

- Take it easy. What do you need?
- I can't breathe.

- I have ativan, klonopin.
- Oh, my God, I can't breathe.

- Dilaudid.
- Okay.

- I have Vico-doodles.
- You pick.

- Okay.
- God.

Good, good, good, good. Do you have water?

- You ready?
- Okay.

- Here you go.
- You're okay.

And so it's such a treat to have her here.

Please welcome the author
of the Girlfriends' Guide

to Getting Your Groove Back:

How to love your husband

and your family without losing your mind,

Abby McCarthy.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you. [Chuckles]

I just... I want to...

I want to actually really
thank my incredible friends.

So gorgeous.

We are very close, and, you know...

Phoebe showed us her
boobs. That makes us close.

And, uh, okay, I'm gonna... right.

Um, I think that my book

can help you get your groove on,

and I, uh, believed it all when I wrote it.

But now I think, "what
a pile of horseshit."

I mean, it should be
called Not in Love Anymore?

You Can Stay Married.

What did you give her?

Don't blame the pills.

But screw that.

You deserve more than that.

I mean, women can be funny.

We can be so there and so present,

but if our hearts shut down,

you can open them again with a blowtorch,

and this book, I mean,

I still think there's
some good advice in there

if you actually feel something, honestly,

and I wasn't trying to sell you a lie.

I was...

I mean, there were times when I
would watch my husband sleeping,

and I would just think,

"if you would just die,
it'd be so much easier."

[Crowd murmuring]

[Chuckles]

Does anyone want their book signed?

Seriously?

Okay.

[Laura Mvula's "Green Garden"]

♪ ♪

♪ take me outside ♪

♪ sit in the green garden ♪

♪ nobody out there ♪

♪ but it's okay now ♪

♪ bathe in the sunlight ♪

Well, she's screwed.

♪ Take me outside ♪

♪ sit in the green garden ♪

♪ [vocalizing] ♪