Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 7, Episode 4 - 'S Wonderful, 'S Marvelous - full transcript

Let me bottom-line it for you.
Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery,
and do you know where snakes do not belong?
- On a plane? - They do not belong on a plane.
- It's not an ideal situation. - They do not belong anywhere
except in cages, stuck in safes buried deep, deep underground.
- I hate snakes! - So I'm gathering.
With their gross, no-legged bodies, and their scaly, scaly skin,
and their wiggling, and their hissing.
Okay, Lor, I respect your very valid feelings about snakes...
Thank you.
...but I have to say we were fairly warned.
No! No! A movie should not just be its title.
Driving Miss Daisy didn't all take place in the car.
Dances with Wolves wasn't one long wolf dance.
But this was nothing but snakes, snakes, relentless snakes, snakes on a plane.
Snakes, snakes, snakes on a plane!
This was our fifth bad movie in a row. It's got to be some kind of a record.
We got to face facts, movies have gotten bad.
Unless it's our fault.
What? No, we didn't make the bad movies.
No, we made the movies bad. Think about it. We are the common factor.
All the movies, very different.
Different genres, different languages, even.
We saw them in different theaters at different times.
- What do they all have in common? - They were all seen by us.
Wow!
We can never see Casablanca together. I mean, I'm very sorry.
I don't care how much I love it, but I will not be responsible
for ruining Casablanca.
So...
So...
We should divvy up the candy.
- Divvy... - The candy.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I've got half the Milk Duds.
Sour Patch Kids, a third.
Twizzlers, you got about five,
- four and three quarters, you pick. - Yeah, I'll take the Twizzlers.
No, I meant besides the Twizzlers.
I tell you what, you can have it all.
Such a gentleman.
We should...
- Yeah, I should... - I should...
- Okay. - Yeah.
Okay.
- Good night, Lor. - Good night, Chris.
- Hi. - Well, well, someone is
cutting it pretty close to curfew.
- Did you guys have a good time? - Yeah, really good.
Is it weird that he didn't come in?
- Weird for me? - Yeah.
Oh, I saw the guy two days ago. I'm sick of him.
- Is it weird for you? - No. No.
Okay.
He could come in if you wanted him to. I mean, I could make myself scarce.
Oh, no, you wouldn't have to make yourself scarce.
Then I could be un-scarce. I could be here in all my plentiful glory
if that's more normal.
God, I forget what the protocol is when your mom is dating your dad.
Yeah, me, too. We'll have to consult Emily Post again.
Yeah, but I really don't think it would be weird.
- It wouldn't? - No. I mean, if it was,
it wouldn't be weird in a bad way.
- I mean, if that's what you want. - Okay.
- Is that what you want? - I don't know. No. Not now.
Maybe I want it. I don't know.
- Twizzler? - Okay.
Okay.
It's good, though, you know, he and I, between us.
- It's going good. - Well, good.
When I had lunch with him the other day, he said things were really good.
He did? What'd he say?
- Nice things. - Oh, yeah?
- Yep. - Like what?
Nice things.
Did he talk about my sparkling eyes and my glossy raven hair?
Look, I'm not gonna pass notes between you guys.
What if Emily Post says that's part of the appropriate protocol?
If you can get it in writing from the ghost of Emily Post,
then I will pass as many notes as you want.
- But, Mom... - Yeah?
I'm really glad things are good between you.
- Me, too. - I'm just...
Yeah?
I just want you to be careful.
Is this the safe-sex talk?
Because even if the ghost of Emily Post says it's okay,
it is just plain weird.
No. Mom, I want you to be careful with you, with him.
I just... I don't want to see you get hurt again.
I am. I am being careful.
Okay. Good.
Oh, my gosh.
- Am I coming with you to college? - Excuse me?
You totally want me to come to Yale with you, don't you?
What? No.
Then why are you packing all of my clothes and my pink T-shirt?
- Where did that come from? - Oh, my goodness.
That is so nice of you to think of me in school, my sweet skirt!
I hope you brought a toothbrush,
'cause, boy, oh, boy, are we gonna have fun!
My cozy sweater...
Okay, two eggs over-easy, hash browns cooked well,
whole-wheat toast buttered and with a side of marmalade.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
All right, what can I get you?
Kirk, you're scaring away the customers.
I am not gonna ask you what's wrong. Either eat or go.
Women troubles, Luke. Haven't slept in days.
See the bags under my eyes? See the glazed look?
- Women. - See this glazed look? Don't care.
Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense.
I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other,
but I figured it was a friendly competition
I could work to my advantage, you know?
When you've got two women making you cherry cobbler,
you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler.
- Basic capitalism. - But that's not how they see it.
Oh, no. Apparently, it's Mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler.
- I've got to choose. - Are you gonna order something?
I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get?
Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel.
- Hip? - But Mom would say a growing boy
needs something more substantial, like pancakes.
Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want?
I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes...
It's like their voices are blocking out my voice,
and I don't know what I think anymore.
I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess.
Yeah, what kind of bagel?
Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know,
'cause of all the kissing, and Mom would freak over the poppy seed
'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug.
What about egg?
Egg, it is.
- Hey. - Hey, I didn't expect you till later.
I know, but I wanted to go over April's schedule before I brought her by.
Okay.
- Is this a good time? - Sure, let's sit.
So, this is her schedule.
I think I erred on the side of too many details.
I like details.
These are some of the phone numbers you might need.
Pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist if her retainer breaks, optometrist...
If her glasses break.
So, my mom has her back surgery on Monday,
but apparently the recovery process is really slow,
so I'm gonna be in New Mexico at least two weeks.
It's fine. April can stay with me as long as you need her to.
Thanks. I really appreciate this.
All right, so what's this packet?
Right. Registration forms, some waivers.
April will need to have this when she goes to school tomorrow.
And she will tell you she needs to be there at 7:30,
but she really doesn't need to be there until 8:00.
- Anyway, it's all in the notes. - Yeah. Don't worry.
I'm not worried.
Okay, maybe a little.
- It'll be fine? - It will be fine. I promise.
Wow! Today's secret ingredient is gourds!
Aren't they beautiful?
I guess that depends on the beholder's eye.
Jackson's whole squash crop went crazy this year.
We had such a hot summer, and these babies love the sun.
- You've got to try this soup. - Wait, is that gourd soup?
It's so good. It's sweet and rich. It's like pie, only it's soup.
It's like pie soup!
No. I don't eat orange food, except for candy corn.
- You eat Cheetos. - I don't eat food that's naturally orange.
- You eat oranges. - I eat food that's naturally orange.
- I don't eat gourds. - Fine.
- What else is going on at home? - Martha is so close to walking.
She's right on the verge.
Why don't you come over tomorrow night for dinner?
- Maybe you'll see the inaugural steps. - I'd love to, but...
But you want to wait to see if Christopher calls and asks you out first,
- and then if he doesn't, you'll come over. - Something like that, yes.
You two have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately.
Yeah, we're just dating.
Right, 'cause you can just date the father of your child.
Turns out you can.
It's been a fun six weeks. We're taking things slowly
and just getting to know each other again.
Except for the fact that you've known each other for more than 30 years.
Okay, I get it.
Please get off my back, and stop talking like this.
Okay, it's just that you and Luke haven't been broken up all that long.
I know. I remember. I was there.
Okay. It's...
You know, if you're breaking up out of a big relationship,
it's normal to have a rebound thing.
You know, a big, bouncy, rubber ball of a rebound thing. It's good.
- But? - But a rubber ball is a 28-year-old surfer
or a jazz saxophonist who drives a VW Bus
or a really cute guy that can't even spell his last name.
It's not the father of your only child. Christopher is not your rubber ball.
- Okay. - He's a big, heavy bowling ball.
- I'm gonna tell him you said that. - I just want you to be careful.
Okay, God, I feel like I should set up traffic cones around me
for all the people worrying about my safety.
- I am being careful, okay? - That's all I want.
- All right. Great. Fine. Good. - Good. Better.
Hi, Chris.
So, Lor, what's your life looking like tomorrow night?
- You available? - Well, I don't know.
Is there some particular reason you're checking my availability?
- Sorry. - Well, I have an idea for a really fun date,
and if, in fact, you are available, I will put thought into action.
- I thought our last date was pretty fun. - Well, this will be even more fun.
- Snakes on a Boat? - I'll pick you up at 6:00.
Okay, I'll be there at 6:00 to be picked up.
Sorry. These gourd rinds are really thick.
- What is the fun date? - No hints.
I hate not knowing things.
I know. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay. Bye. - Sounds like somebody's got a date.
Sookie.
Sorry. Sounds like somebody's got a date.
Nice.
Hey, this is Logan Huntzberger. Leave a message.
Hey, it's me.
I just got back to Yale.
I thought I would try you and see if you're there,
but you're not. I thought you would be, but you're not.
Fascinating, my thought process, isn't it? Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
- Hey! - Well, hello, Rory. You sound chipper.
- Oh, hi, Grandpa. - You're back at Yale?
Yep, back at Yale.
- Tell her the good news, Richard! - I'm coming to that.
- It's very exciting! - What's exciting?
Well, when I was at my Yale class reunion,
I had a chance to meet one of my former classmates, Harold Laken.
You know him as the Dean of Undergraduate Education.
Harold was also a fellow Whiffenpoof.
- The news, Richard! - Yes, right, well,
it seems there was a sudden vacancy in the Economics department,
and they need someone to teach a course this semester,
and Harold immediately thought of me.
Can you believe it? Your grandfather, a professor!
I'm just a visiting lecturer.
- Too starchy. Too starchy? - No, I like...
Too starchy.
What I want to know is whether you'd be okay with this.
I'm gonna be on the campus at the same time you are,
and there's a chance we might run into one another.
I promise, you will not cramp my style.
Well, that's wonderful, because I have to admit,
- I'm really quite excited about it. - That's great, Grandpa. Congratulations.
Well, why don't we meet up after your first class
and grab dinner and celebrate?
Oh, I would love that, but I've already scheduled dinner with Harold.
But, Richard, we have dinner with the Sudburys on Thursday.
Remember? We're going to the Hill House.
Well, I'm sorry, Emily, but I have dinner with the Dean,
and you can't expect me to include the Sudburys in that.
- They are insufferable bores. - No, of course not.
I'll just have to have dinner with the Sudburys alone.
Oh, the life of a faculty widow!
Did you hear that, Rory? She's already turned on me.
I heard it, Grandpa.
Razor blades? They've expressly forbidden razor blades?
Sound policy.
Are kids at this school showing up with razor blades?
I mean, listen to this list of stuff they've had to ban.
"Drug use, bullying, graffiti, theft, spitting, fighting,
"including but not limited to punching, kicking, gouging, and biting."
Seems to me like they're just giving the kids ideas.
"Gee, I can't think of any other bad things to do today.
"Let me look at the manual. Hey, gouging sounds fun!"
- No one at that school is gouging anyone. - Well, sure. Why bother with that
when they've got access to guns, Tasers, knives and nunchakus?
Nunchakus are cool and deadly.
That's ridiculous. Nobody's bringing nunchakus to April's school.
- Of course not. - They're way too bulky to fit in your sock.
Now, Mace, on the other hand...
Mace, kids are walking around with Mace?
Oh, honey, calm down. Nothing's gonna happen to April.
They just spell out that stuff for their legal protection.
Whenever you're taking care of kids, that's a lot of liability.
- It's the same with my dance school. - And nothing bad ever happens?
Nothing ever happens. Oh, except for that one time.
What one time?
Well, I took my senior ballerinas to try out for a performance
of The Nutcracker, and one of the girls pulled a Tonya Harding
and knocked the front-runner for Clara out of the competition.
Broke her leg in three places.
That is not nothing. That is the opposite of nothing.
It's totally different. That was a much rougher crowd.
Rougher crowd? They're ballerinas.
Oh, yeah, I know. Everyone thinks, "Ballerinas, so sweet, so fragile."
Trust me, they're dancing on stress fractures
and ingrown toenails, and they haven't eaten in weeks.
- Hey. - Sorry we're late. We were halfway here
and April remembered the avocado pit was still in the kitchen,
- so we had to go back. - We had to make a pit stop.
- Hey, honey. - Hi!
- You remember Miss Patty. - Sure!
- And Kirk. - Yo.
- And Caesar. - Hey, April.
- I hate to rush, but I actually have to rush. - That's fine. You go.
- Bye, Mom. - I love you, sweetie.
- Say hi to Grandma. - I will. I'll call you when I get there.
Okay.
- Take care of her. - I will.
Okay, then.
So, is there somewhere I can put the pit down?
Oh, you know what? Go on upstairs, and I'll bring the bags.
Look at that turnout. And the hips of Anna Pavlova.
You must bring her to my ballet class.
Where ballerinas are maiming each other to be in The Nutcracker?
Fat chance of that.
Okay, here we are. You remember the place.
All right.
Here's your bed, and here's the desk.
I thought you could do your homework on it.
A little chair for reading. I know how you like reading.
And this is your dresser.
Now, if you have a hanging bag for, like, dresses,
you can just hang them in my closet,
but I don't seem to remember you wearing a lot of dresses.
- Not big on dresses. - All right, what else?
All right, here's your kitchen, my bed,
bathroom's back there, and that's the TV.
I had a remote but I lost it,
so you're gonna have to change the channel by hand,
by turning this knob here.
And here's the telephone.
Now, if you're on it and you hear a beeping sound,
that's call-waiting,
so you've got to hit the flash button to switch over to the other call.
- Maybe I should write all this down. - Oh, sure! Sure!
I was just kidding. I know how call-waiting works.
Of course you do.
You probably also know how to open up a refrigerator and turn on a sink.
Okay, well, I'll get out of your way, and you let me know if you need anything.
Actually, my avocado pit needs light, and it's kind of dark in here.
Well, there will be a little more light in the morning.
Will there be less brown in the morning?
You know what, this place is kind of depressing, isn't it?
I'd say. Sorry if that hurt your feelings.
Mom says bluntness isn't my most attractive quality.
Well, maybe we can pick up a few things. I don't know, some pillows, a rug,
you know, lamps. Lamps brighten.
- Hey, we could go to "Target." - Sounds kind of fancy.
No. No, that's just how we say Target.
Oh, never been.
Wow.
I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't been to Target.
Well, now you have, so, you know, if you say that's the place to go,
- so that's where we'll go. - It's the place to go.
Okay, so how about tomorrow, after I close up?
- Cool. - Cool! All right, I'll let you get settled in.
- Okay. - All right.
Everyone, congratulations.
The first issue of the year is officially locked down.
And special kudos to Bill for landing the front page
with his campus housing exposé, "Dormitory or death trap?"
- Nice alliteration. - Slugline's half the battle.
Dormitory renovations, that's quaint.
I recently had the opportunity to be a fly on the wall
at the Hartford Courant as the editors selected their lead story.
It was down to the wire, and I was on the edge of my seat
when right at the last second, a local corruption story broke.
It was thrilling. It made this place look like a joke.
- Your point, Paris? - Oh, I thought I was clear.
Compared to the Courant, this place is a joke.
Okay. Assignments.
Bill, you'll go with part two of the campus-housing series.
Got it.
We need someone to cover the board of trustees meeting.
- I'm on that. - Thanks, Joni.
And I want to do the traditional freshman class composition article,
but I think we need to go deeper than just ethnicities and hometowns.
I mean, what is the class of 2010 really about?
Maybe take a different look.
At the Courant, they use InDesign to integrate the words into the photos.
Gee, Paris, do you happen to have an "in" at the Courant?
Like, maybe your boyfriend, Doyle? What is he, a fact-checker?
The most requested fact-checker at the paper.
He works seven days a week
just to keep up with the demand for his fact-checking.
Maybe he's looking to get away from a certain lunatic.
- Jealous much, Sheila? - Yeah, you got me.
So, the art-show piece. I've got a problem.
Animal, vegetable or mineral?
I kind of had a thing with one of the artists in the show.
- Okay. Animal. - I just can't do it.
That's fine. I can do it. That's it. Class dismissed.
So, you want to go to this art-show thing with me tonight?
Sorry, I can't. Doyle's celebrating his one-month anniversary with the paper.
Having drinks with a bunch of the staff bigwigs over at Duffy's.
- Cool. - Yeah.
He's pretty loved. Actually, we both are.
We're like the Ephron and Bernstein of the group.
I think it's going to be quite a fete.
Doyle says the editor of the Metro section might even show.
That's cool. Well, I can just go by myself.
If you're desperate, you could force one of these staffers to go with you.
I used to do that all the time when I was editor.
I dragged Bill everywhere.
That is, until the time I picked him up to go to the groundbreaking
for the new chemistry research building,
and he was wearing a cable-knit sweater that had "date" written all over it.
- As if. - I'm not desperate.
Look, don't give me those Rory Gilmore puppy-dog eyes.
Even if I am your best friend, I have to look out for my career first,
- then Doyle's, then you. - Go to your party, Paris.
Be the couple whose divorce was so painful
that it was memorialized in both literature and film. I'll be fine.
Oh, yeah. Now it's just sad.
Kind of casual, seemingly routine dating clothes.
Was that intended as a compliment? Because it didn't come out like one.
No, you look good. But, I mean, how hard is it to look good
when you know where you're going? Not that hard.
I could get some points.
I, on the other hand, had to come up with an outfit
that could easily convert from totally formal
to totally casual with just a few moves.
Look, here I am, all ready for an elegant
New York night on the town, carriage ride through the park,
dinner at Pastis, drinks at the Algonquin.
But if I change my shoes and throw on a cardigan
and add necklace number two,
then I am ready for a concert at the New Haven Green,
or I could use my cardigan to cover up the security camera
in case the date turns into some sort of heist.
I prefer the sexy shoes to the sandals, but you should be comfortable.
Comfortable?
"Comfortable" like we're gonna eat Moroccan and sit on the floor,
or "comfortable" like we're gonna go up steps?
Steps? Steps? Steps? Are we going to the Met?
No hints.
So, tell me now. Now! Tell me!
Oh, hello, Bullitt.
Are you taking me on a car chase through the streets of San Francisco?
- It's cool, right? - It's really cool.
- You like it? - I love it.
- So is this the thing? - It's a thing.
But is this the special thing you planned? 'Cause if it is, I want to give it its due.
If it's not, I want to have the proper level of enjoyment
while still reserving myself for the actual special thing.
The car is part of the thing. It's not the whole thing.
- All right, I don't want to peak too soon. - Yeah, that's never good.
You're being a gentleman. Is that the special thing?
I always open your door.
Bucket seats, is that the special thing?
No? Take a good, long look at my hair now 'cause it's not gonna look like this
for the rest of the night.
- Rumbly engine, is that the special thing? - Buckle your seatbelt.
Buckling my seatbelt, is that the special thing?
Yeah, that's it. You're all buckled up. Date's over.
Look at this, 12-pack of socks for $6.
Twenty-four socks for six bucks. That's only 25 cents a sock.
- I knew you'd like it. - Oh, this looks good.
- You picked it out. - Well, you said tablecloth.
That's true.
And what's the name of that blue again?
Cerulean. I'm really into cerulean.
Yeah, I can see why.
I used to be really into olive. Everything was olive, you know?
It was my backpack, my pants, my sneakers. It was all olive.
Then, one day, I just, I woke up, and I was like, olive? I don't like olive.
Not to wear, not to eat. Olive.
Well, you know what? I'm really glad we did it.
We had fun, and the place looks great.
And, you know, now, anytime you want, you can have a nice dinner on this table.
That's true.
You could put flowers in this vase and use it like a centerpiece.
You could dim the lights, light these candles...
You know what, we can do it tonight if you want.
Yeah.
Or, you know, you could do it when you have a lady over.
It'd be really nice.
And she would be totally comfortable in here now.
Right. You know what?
Why don't we set up the desk lamp so you can get at your homework?
Actually, they don't give homework on the first day of school.
One teacher said he was gonna give us homework.
He even wrote it down on the board,
but the homework was like, "Just cover your books."
- I mean, how lame is that? - Very lame.
I know.
All right, so I'll set it up so you can get to it tomorrow.
Cool. I'm gonna start covering my books.
Can I grab some grocery bags?
Yeah, go for it. It's under the sink.
You know, you can admit it if you're lost.
I will not lose any respect for you.
I'm not lost.
Well, then, are you planning to murder me?
Because people will notice I'm gone. They'll look for me.
Paul Anka saw me leave with you. He'll bark.
He will bark, and he'll sell you down the river.
Chris! Chris!
Good. Finally asking for directions.
We're here.
Here, where? Are we at Woodstock? I think we're late.
Just give it a minute.
Oh, are we meditating? I think you need a word to repeat.
- I don't have a word. - Stop talking.
That's two words.
Oh... I like it...
What the...
I love this movie.
Check the glove compartment.
Oh, my God.
Hold this.
And...
Popcorn.
Oh, my God. You're unbelievable!
I thought it was time we saw a movie we wouldn't complain about.
I'm...
Good morning, Miss Prescott.
But I have to tell you, Emily,
it's a whole new world from the one we remember.
But the jacket was still appropriate?
Oh, the jacket was fine.
Although I must say, I felt wildly overdressed.
Boys in undershirts and filthy baseball caps.
The girls wearing pajamas and flip-flops.
Well, it's the style, Richard.
Well, it's most peculiar.
And you were firm with them? That's one thing that never changes.
Young people respond to discipline.
And after all, you don't want your course to be known as a gut.
That's an easy class.
I learned that term at dinner with the Sudburys,
who learned it from their grandson, Paul.
And how are the Sudburys? I hope you gave them my regards.
Of course. And they sent you theirs and then proceeded to bore me
with the details of every stunning vista they witnessed
on their recent cruise to Alaska.
If you ask me, they saw more of the Baked Alaska than anything else.
You poor thing.
You have a disappointing evening, and I have to give you the bum's rush
to make my dinner with Harold at the faculty club.
That's all right. You enjoy yourself.
I probably won't wait up, so I'll say good night now.
Good night, dear.
Oh, for Pete's sake! What now?
License and registration, please.
Why do you need to see my license? I wasn't speeding.
You were on a cell phone, ma'am.
I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office?
It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cell phone while operating a vehicle.
Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car?
License and registration, ma'am.
If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive,
I can talk on a cell phone.
Or is coffee illegal, too?
Can I listen to the radio?
Can I open the glove compartment?
Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose.
That would certainly cut down on accidents.
Ma'am, have you been drinking?
What? No!
This is outrageous.
You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwik-E-Mart,
and you're standing there harassing me.
I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me.
Young man, I don't know where that's been,
but I can say with absolute certainty
it won't be going anywhere near my mouth.
Right there.
Excuse me. Do you know what the light bulbs are all about?
- Shocking your system. - Effective.
- What are you doing? - Me?
She's touching your art.
What are you doing? Are you actually drinking that water?
Oh, I didn't know that it was art.
I thought it was just a water cooler.
There's no sign or anything.
- "Just a water cooler." - That's her self-portrait.
- I'm kidding! It's just a water cooler. - Oh! Okay.
We were just messing with you. She is an artist, though.
- I made the horse. - Oh, I really like that one.
Well, thanks.
Yes, it looks really big, too. It looks bigger than the doorway.
Well, it turns out it is, as I found out, like, four hours
before the show was going to start. I had to detach the head,
then reattach it when I got here.
- Does it look crooked? - Not to me.
- Oh, it does. - If it does look crooked,
which it doesn't, I think it looks better than it did before. More jaunty.
What's it made out of?
Cans mostly. Tinfoil. A couple hubcaps.
I do stuff with found objects.
I mean, you could call it trash, but that'd be kind of negative.
She once made this sculpture of an old lady
out of plastic sandwich bags and milk cartons,
- which was so cool. She's awesome. - Oh, shut up!
- So you're Olivia Marquont? - Impressive.
What are you, a spy?
Actually, I'm here for the paper. I'm Rory.
Oh, the press. So what do you think?
Honestly, I don't know. I like your piece,
and I think I like the robot in the underpants.
The robot is genius.
- Olivia thinks everything is genius. - Only genius stuff.
Okay, so, you're on the paper?
Oh, my God, we used to be totally obsessed
with this girl who was on the paper, Paris Geller.
- Sure. - You know Paris?
I know Paris.
Okay, freshman year, we both were in this moral-reasoning class with Paris,
and she was, like, the most intense person we'd ever met.
She's pretty much like that all the time. I actually went to high school with Paris.
Paris Geller is a genius, and I will go to the mat on that one.
Okay, you've got to let us show you around the rest of the show.
That's cool.
Come on, we'll help you with your article, give you the skinny on everyone.
Did you see the light bulb thing?
My retinas are still ringing.
Our friend Joel did that. He just transferred from MIT.
Dude's wicked smart.
His work is always about technology.
I think Joel's a genius, but I'll admit,
I could be biased by the fact that he's a total fox.
Is that the guy in the '70s prom tuxedo?
No, that's Elijah. He's doing a performance piece.
Actually, he's been doing it since we were juniors.
Who knows if it'll ever end.
Okay, you've got to see our friend Katya's piece.
It's called "The Girl Without Clothes," and it's far out.
It's so good!
It's so chock-full of words like "chock-full."
And even if Audrey Hepburn was 20 and Fred Astaire was, like 80...
He's still Fred Astaire.
I mean, he could really tap-dance.
That was so nice, Chris.
That was so romantic and fun and wonderful.
- 'S wonderful? - 'S marvelous.
- I'm glad you liked it. - I did. I really liked it.
You know, the evening doesn't have to end here.
G.G.'s staying with my mom. We could go back to my place.
Oh. That's nice.
- Nice? - No, that's not what I meant.
- We don't have to. - No, I want to.
- You do? - I do, but I don't know if...
- You want to. - If I should.
Okay.
I mean, everything's good, you know?
- It's going really good. - It's really good.
Yeah, and I'm feeling good.
But?
I don't know if I trust you.
- Really? - Not just you.
Me, too.
I'm not sure if I trust us yet, with this.
It's scary.
Yeah, I'm scared, too.
I just hoped maybe
we could stay here in this place for a little while longer.
- Well, it's gonna snow eventually. - Right.
It's fine. We should wait.
I can wait.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Thank you.
All of this, perfect.
Okay.
Hello?
This is she.
What?
Oh. Yes!
What is it? Who are you talking to?
Is she okay? What did she...
Okay. Where are you?
I know where that is.
I'll be right there. Thank you.
Okay, bye-bye.
What?
We have to go. We have to pick up my mother from jail.
Your mother's in jail?
This night keeps getting better and better. Let's go.
- You brush your teeth? - They're brushed.
So, there's a clear path to the bathroom.
- Can I get you a night-light? - I'm 13.
Yeah, I'll take that as a "no." I thought you didn't have any homework.
I don't. This is more for pleasure.
Sure. Sure, a little light reading before bed.
I love my biology teacher. She is so smart, and she's really pretty.
She has this long, brown hair that
she kind of just whooshes up into a clip.
She has all these piercings, but it's just on one ear,
and she likes to fish.
No kidding? A pretty fisher, scientist woman.
And I know she's single because last year her name was Mrs. Johnson,
and this year it's Miss Kaplan,
so I was thinking, you know, one day,
I could conveniently forget my biology book,
and you could bring it by for me,
and then maybe you could...
Have a dinner at the candlestick table with Miss Kaplan?
Exactly.
Look, April,
I guess you know Lorelai and I broke up.
Yeah, my mom sort of told me.
Okay, well, sometimes that happens, you know?
Sometimes it doesn't work out between people,
and it's nobody's fault.
It's all about pheromones.
Right.
But I want you to know, I'm okay,
and you don't have to take care of me.
I'm here to take care of you.
Okay?
Okay.
- Good night. - Good night.
Is it okay if I read a little more before I turn out the light?
- Real page-turner, huh? - Oh, yeah. Mitosis is insane.
Knock yourself out.
Oh, got it! Thank you!
- Am I smiling too much? - You're smiling a lot.
All right, I'll try to bring it down a notch.
Well, it's about time. Oh, good, I get to walk this filthy floor again.
I don't need any help walking. Thank you!
Oh, thank you for giving me things that already belong to me.
Well, you can all be very proud of yourselves.
You're doing a crack job.
You finally got menace-to-society Emily Gilmore off the streets.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Come on. Put that thing away.
One, two, three! Smile! Cheese!
Oh, I got you already. I'll get... Okay, later. Bye!
Do you mind if I turn on the music, Mom?
That's fine.
What are you in the mood for? Jailhouse Rock? Folsom Prison Blues?
- You're very funny, Lorelai. - No, no, no. I know, I know.
"Working on the chain gang."
Yes, it's all quite amusing, isn't it,
my being arrested, held behind bars, manhandled and patted down?
I just have one question for you, Mom. Why on earth did you call me?
I mean, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart
for that incredible gift.
You don't need to get me anything for the next five Christmases.
But why did you call me, not Dad?
It was his first night teaching at Yale.
He was having dinner with the Dean.
I'm not about to call him so he can excuse himself
to come bail his wife out of jail.
I can't begin to tell you how incompetent our police department is.
That officer Peters who pulled me over,
he's going to be receiving a big fat subpoena,
and I'm not stopping there.
Wait.
What is this? What's this car?
What's going on here?
Are you two on a date?
No way. You are not changing the subject.
We're not talking about anything else except you in the clink.
Now, come on, spill. What was it like on the inside, huh?
Did you try to tunnel your way out with a spoon, you know?
Did they try to make you join a gang?
And, Mom, now that you're on the outside
and they're still on the inside, are they gonna try to use you
as some kind of prison mule? I just... So much I need to know!
So, after my third callback, he says to me,
"A girl can't play Oscar Wilde. I want people to take this production seriously."
Like he's Peter Brook or something.
And not some goateed sophomore from Arkansas.
So I give him my most foppish stare and say,
"Life is too important to be taken seriously."
- Nice. - But on the way out,
as I'm making my dramatic exit, I walk right into the glass door.
- Like, smack. - No, ouch.
So the next semester, he keeps hounding me
about how I'd be perfect for his production of California Suite,
because I have such a gift for physical comedy.
Holy crap! Your boyfriend is rich.
And he's got some wild stuff.
I mean, what's this about?
Well, I must eat. I'm positively famished.
Nice sound system!
- Do you have popcorn? - Yeah, there should be some in there.
You have a hell of a lot of rice in here, Rory.
White rice, brown rice, long-stem rice.
- You are simply crazy for rice. - Who doesn't like rice?
Look who found an air popper!
Genius.
Now I just need some popcorn.
Or something else that could be cooked in here. Rice.
Who's up for a late-night snack of air-popped rice?
Oh, wow! That must be my Logan call.
I didn't realize it was so late already.
Time flies when you're partying with artists.
Hey!
- Hey. - Hi.
What's going on? You having a party there, Ace?
Oh, no, just hanging out with a few friends.
- Just friends, huh? - Yeah.
- Anybody I know? Or... - No. Just some girls I met.
- Hi, Logan! - Hi, Logan!
Just girls, huh? Your new boyfriend's not over.
Nope. Just us girls hanging out in our underwear,
throwing pillows at each other, you know, girl stuff.
Sounds very wholesome and loud.
- Yeah, we're... - Hey, Rory!
Hold on just a sec. Yeah?
This says it's popcorn, but it looks so fancy.
Can I open it, or are you saving it for a special occasion or something?
Go ahead.
Hey, sorry. Is it okay if I call you back later?
Sure, no problem. Have fun.
I will. Love you. Bye.
- Is that too much popcorn? - Yeah.
I'm really hungry.
Okay.
Someone's got some explaining to do.
I mean, they escorted her out in her stocking feet.
Her shoes in a bag.
- Somewhere in my youth or childhood... - You must have done something good.
The universe owed me this one.
I'm glad you had fun.
- I did. Didn't you have fun? - Yeah, I did.
- It was great. - It was one of the great greats. What?
Nothing. I feel I may have gotten overshadowed a bit.
How's my little barn movie supposed to compare with your mom in jail?
Chris, no!
It was just the cherry on top, the mint on the pillow
of what was already a perfect night.
No, I loved our date. It was amazing.
I loved the movie.
I'll never forget the movie I saw the night I picked my mother up from jail.
You're never gonna get tired of saying that, are you?
"Picked up my mom from jail"? No, I don't think I ever will.
I'm just so glad you were with me tonight.
I mean, anybody else who would have seen me
laughing as I bailed my mother out of jail would have just thought
I was completely deranged.
Well, I know you're deranged but for completely different reasons.
I mean, you just get it, and you make everything fun,
and it's so nice to be with someone who understands you and makes you...
I'll call you tomorrow.
- G.G.'s with her grandmother? - She is.
- You want to come in? - Yeah?