Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 7, Episode 15 - I'm a Kayak, Hear Me Roar - full transcript

- Yes? - Paris? It's Lorelai.
Come in. The door is open.
I'm so sorry that it's so early, I...
Oh, wow, hey.
Sorry, we're in the middle of our yoga practice.
I didn't really imagine you guys to be the yoga types.
It was a circuitous path that led us here.
I only signed up for the class 'cause I thought
it'd help me BS my way through any med school interviews
when they talk about all that
homeopathic, holistic, naturopathic, chiropractic, TCM,
Unani, Ayurveda crap.
Plus, we thought it'd be funny to goof on.
- But, now... - I guess the great cosmic goof is on us.
Is Rory asleep?
You mean spiritually or literally?
- Literally. - Yeah, I think so.
Hey, Mom.
Hey, sorry I didn't call first. I left my phone at home
and it's six in the morning, why are you up?
Paris and Doyle were chanting. Why are you up?
Oh, I've been up for a while, driving.
- Driving? - Yeah, for a few hours.
- Driving? - Yeah, driving.
- Mom, what's going on? - Wanna go for a drive?
Sure, let's go for a drive.
- So, we're driving. - Yeah, we're driving.
Honey, your dad and I split up. Last night.
Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
I'm okay. Driving, moving forward.
- You are driving. - Yeah.
It just wasn't right, you know?
And he knew it wasn't right, and I knew it wasn't right.
It just wasn't...
- It wasn't right. - It wasn't.
And pretending it was was just gonna hurt him and hurt me,
and we didn't wanna do that and so,
we split up, and he's moving out, and...
- What are you thinking? - I don't know. I guess...
I guess first of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
And, secondly, I guess I'm thinking that I'm not totally surprised.
I mean, at first I was so excited that you guys were getting together
because it seemed like something that was meant to be.
- Yeah. - Something that was like destiny.
But then, I guess, to me, it kind of never felt right.
I'm so sorry.
I just want you to know your dad is gonna be in your life, in our lives.
- I know that. - And G.G., too. I mean,
- your dad is still your dad, you know? - I know that, Mom. I do.
So, who else knows?
Nobody. That's it.
Well, you and the Kwik-E-Mart guy.
- You told the Kwik-E-Mart guy? - I was upset,
I was standing by the magazines, I didn't want him to think
I was verklempt over Nicole Richie. So, that's it.
I wish I could leave it at that. The idea of telling your grandmother...
God. Oh...
- Oh, wow. - What?
- We're out of gas? - We're out of gas.
- I've never run out of gas before. - Me, neither.
- Well, here we are. - Out of gas.
Well, I guess I should call... I don't have my cell phone.
I left mine in my room.
Okay, it's okay. No, it's fine.
We'll just have to get gas, somehow. We can do this.
There's a gas station up ahead where Route 68 goes through Naugatuck.
Okay. So...
- We're walking? - Oh, we're walking.
- Well, it's a beautiful day. - Yes, it is.
- It's weird that it can be so beautiful. - Yeah.
How far is Naugatuck from here?
- I don't know exactly. - I guess it's walking distance.
I hope it's walking distance.
Hello?
- Hi, there. - How you doing?
- How are you? - May I take your coats?
Coats?
Oh, okay. Thank you.
I... They're... He's in the living room...
I'm not sure... Maybe he is, I'm not sure.
What? Her mouth is moving, I can't hear anything.
Is there something wrong with my ears?
No, I don't think it's your ears. Poor thing.
This house is a giant Skinner box with Chippendale chairs. Hello?
In here.
- Hey, Mom. - Hey, Grandma.
Hello, Rory, Lorelai. How are you?
Oh, good. How are you? How's Dad? Is he up to this, do you think?
- Why wouldn't he be? - Well, Mom,
you know, he just got out of the hospital.
I just wonder if it's too soon.
The doctor said there's no reason he can't go back to his normal routine
as long as he doesn't do anything too strenuous.
It's not as though sitting at a table having dinner with one's family
requires a great deal of effort.
Yeah, well, you're right.
He should be down by now.
Is Christopher coming?
He's not able to make it tonight, I'm sorry.
Well, that's too bad.
In the meantime, can I offer you a drink?
Yes, the usual, a martini up with a twist.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not serving alcohol tonight.
Oh. Told you there was something wrong with my ears. What?
I'm serving non-alcoholic cocktails only.
There's no such thing as a non-alcoholic cocktail.
There most certainly is. It's called a mocktail.
- You're serving mocktails? - Yes.
I can offer you a Shirley Temple or a Roy Rogers.
I'll have a Roy Rogers.
Why not a Howdy Doody or a Captain Kangaroo?
Lorelai, stop being so selfish. We're doing this for your father.
After you've had open-heart surgery, alcohol is strictly verboten.
No alcohol. No alcohol!
Well, there you are. I told you to tell Mr. Gilmore
that his daughter and granddaughter
were pulling into the driveway 15 minutes ago.
Mr. Gilmore says he's in the middle of watching golf
and he'll be down as soon as he's finished.
Golf? He's watching golf?
Well, if you tell him we're expecting him downstairs,
I would very much appreciate it.
I'm not really sure that falls under my job description.
- Fine. Fine. - Fine.
Fine.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Oh, that's a strong one, Mom. You know I'm driving.
- It tastes great. - You know what else tastes great? Rum.
For heaven's sake, Lorelai.
If you're unable to go for a few hours without alcohol,
I can send the maid out to get you a six-pack.
- Richard. - All right, I'm here.
You can put away your leash.
- Hey, Grandpa. - Hey, Dad.
- Rory, Lorelai. - How're you feeling?
Well, like a man who's just been torn away
from one of the most pivotal golf matches in history.
If you're not up for it, we can take a rain check.
We don't need a rain check.
Richard, wouldn't you like to go change for dinner?
No. If you're going to treat me like a patient,
I'm going to act like a patient. Patients wear robes.
All right, fine. May I offer you a mocktail?
No, I don't want a mocktail.
In fact, I'd like to skip mocktail hour all together and go straight to dinner.
But... But it isn't time yet to...
All right, we'll eat now.
Francette, would you please go tell Aurora to tell Stefan
we are ready to have dinner served now?
Look, Mrs. Gilmore, I have to reiterate.
I am here as a medical professional, not a carrier pigeon.
Well, as a medical professional, you should be concerned with my health.
And not eating isn't healthy, is it?
Nor is getting agitated.
And I have to tell you, Francette, I'm getting quite agitated.
Don't threaten me, Mr. Gilmore.
It's fine, it's fine. I'll go tell her myself.
- Wow. - Six-pack sounds really good right now.
Here's your plate, sir. I hope it's not too hot, the plate...
Oh, well, it's fish again.
- It's sea bass. - And sea bass is a fish.
Hence my comment. Surprise, surprise, it's fish again.
- It tastes good. - Tastes like fish.
I don't think it tastes fishy. Sea bass is not a fishy fish.
Mackerel is a fishy fish. Trout can be a fishy fish.
But sea bass is not really a fishy fish.
I didn't say it tasted fishy. I said it tasted like fish.
I think it tastes good.
You know, the green beans are very green beany,
which is so good, especially if you like green beans, which I do.
- Anyone see any good movies lately? - No.
This fish is bland.
Would you like some more lemon-dill sauce?
No.
- Okay. - The sauce is good, Mom.
- It's nice, isn't it? - Tart, but not too tart.
Stefan, the chef that we stole from the Lowells,
is doing a marvelous job incorporating the dietary recommendations...
Enough.
If forced, I may eat this fish,
but I absolutely refuse to waste my time having a conversation about it.
So, Lorelai, I take it that Christopher is still out of town.
- He couldn't make it tonight, yeah. - Oh, that's too bad.
That man has been traveling quite a lot lately.
Oh, yeah? I guess.
Well, I hope he'll be around for the party your mother's planning.
I know I'm looking forward to it.
It's my only hope for eating a decent meal in the foreseeable future.
Your mother's planning to serve Cornish game hens.
Is that still the plan, Emily?
Yes, I've even spoken to the caterer
about preparing a special skinless hen for you...
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Don't get angry, Richard.
- It's your doctor's orders, not mine. - You know what? I'm full.
- These flowers are pretty. - They really are nice.
If you will excuse me, I have to get back to my golf.
- Richard! - Please.
I know I've missed Jacklin's bogey on the 16th.
I'm not missing his putt on the 17th.
That's a famous putt, Emily.
Wait, you're watching an old golf game?
Well, it's the last singles match of the '69 Ryder Cup.
Jacklin, Nicklaus, "The Concession."
I can't believe you're watching an old golf game instead of eating...
- Fish? - Dinner with your family.
You already know how it's going to turn out.
Well, that never stopped people going to see Hamlet.
Lorelai, Rory, good night. Emily.
Richard! Richard!
The idea that two grown men hitting a tiny ball with metal sticks
is the equivalent of Hamlet! Ridiculous.
But can I say anything? No. Because I can't agitate him.
It is ridiculous.
Golf is really more like Richard the Third.
- You know, they're all hunched over. - I'm going to go get him.
It sounds like Grandma's going full-steam ahead
- with this whole party-planning thing. - I know.
She's going to kill 400 Cornish game hens,
probably with her own bare hands.
Your grandfather just had a heart attack.
Your grandmother is not drinking.
This isn't exactly the ideal time to
tell them their one and only daughter's marriage is over.
- I know. - I don't know what she'll do.
She's gone bananas. I mean, for all I know,
she'll throw a Molotov mocktail at me.
I know, but only you can save the Cornish game hens.
Save the Cornish game hens!
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Get back in bed.
I just wanna check my e-mail real quick.
- Oh, no, no, no! - What's the big deal?
Well, I made you a special birthday breakfast in bed.
And if you don't go back to bed,
it's gonna be a special birthday breakfast at a desk,
which is something I've never heard of.
Happy birthday.
Now it is. Now that there are cinnamon buns in the picture.
Are you impressed?
It's my specialty. I can cook anything that comes in a tube.
I am impressed and hungry.
Get back in bed. You are the birthday boy.
You should not be working.
You should be luxuriating, eating peeled grapes,
- and being fanned with palm fronds. - Peeled grapes, huh?
Well, what if the birthday boy gets back in bed,
- but is allowed to bring his laptop? - Deal.
So, somebody's pretty into this whole birthday thing.
Well, if by "birthday thing"
you mean the celebration of the miracle of your birth,
the anniversary of the day when this world went from being a world
without Logan Huntzberger to a world with Logan Huntzberger,
then, yes, I'm pretty into it.
- You really love me, don't you? - Well, you're okay.
I'm not used to all this hoopla.
Birthdays aren't a very big deal in the Huntzberger family.
Why not?
Because birthdays aren't something you achieve.
Why should you be lauded for something that just happens to you?
Well, didn't you have birthday parties when you were a kid?
There were parties, sort of,
but not with any kids I actually knew.
Well, that sounds like a blast.
And I never had a regular birthday cake.
I always wanted just a good old, plain yellow cake, you know?
With cake and frosting. But desserts were always some
fancy flambéed thing with alcohol in them.
Well, those years of birthday neglect
will become a faint memory after the Gilmore treatment.
Plenty of hoopla on a Gilmore birthday, huh?
Hoopla and then some. My mom always went all out.
- How is your mom doing? - She's okay.
And you?
Feel like celebrating your birthday.
Why are you working? It's your birthday.
And I thought your deal was already closed.
It is.
Well, then, all that's left to do is celebrate
and to tell your dad.
Because you said Huntzbergers celebrate achievement, right?
Isn't closing this deal a pretty big achievement?
I don't wanna tell my dad. Not yet.
He can read about it in the Wall Street Journal,
which, in fact, is what I just had sent to me. The press release.
The press release, huh? That's fancy.
"Huntzberger, a young, visionary entrepreneur."
- Does that sound dorky? - No. It sounds great.
- It's exciting. - These are good, by the way.
Good.
But you know what would be great with them?
- A nice bowl of peeled grapes. - Oh, yeah?
- Don't you make peeled grapes? - If they come in a tube, I do.
- Hello? - Lorelai!
- Mom. - They won't deliver!
Who won't deliver what?
And, apparently, none of their help has driver's licenses.
That's a little irresponsible, don't you think?
You gotta help me out a little here, Mom.
- Why are you leering at me? - I'm not leering at...
Mother, are you on peyote?
Mr. Gilmore's light bulb is bothering him.
I'm sorry, is that some sort of nurse code?
The 60-watt bulb on his bedside lamp is apparently
casting a harsh glare on the television.
- Well, then, get him another light bulb? - It's just not my job.
- Then get Francette to do it. - I am Francette.
- Mom? - Aurora is the maid.
Then, Aurora. Ask Aurora to find a light bulb.
- I can't find Aurora. - You can't find Aurora?
- She's hiding from Mr. Gilmore. - Hello?
She's hiding from... Never mind, I'll get it myself.
Honestly, these people.
Mother, what is going on over there?
Your father is running low on his blood thinners
and the pharmacy can't be bothered to deliver.
Are you calling to ask me if I will pick up Dad's prescription?
Well, I can't leave the house or chaos will ensue.
Are you calling to imply that you would like to ask me
to pick up Dad's prescription?
It's the pharmacy at the corner of Walden and Hasbrook Lane.
Okay... Hello?
No, it's no problem at all. I'd be happy to.
It's just nice to be appreciated.
By the way, Chris and I broke up. Bye.
Yeah, it's true. He's definitely moved out.
The last time I saw the Beagle's car in the driveway was days ago.
Then I saw the mover's truck.
So only the Hen is living there now.
So did the Hen break up with the Beagle,
or the Beagle break up with the Hen?
- I don't know. - The poor Hen.
Yeah, she's been through so much.
You know, we're just kind of getting used to him, the Beagle.
But he's not right for her.
He's a Beagle, you know. And Beagles, Beagles belong with Beagles.
- And the Hen belongs with the Rooster. - Maybe.
Well, does the Rooster know about the Hen and the Beagle?
Oh, yeah. Eastside Tilly was in here yesterday blabbing her big mouth off.
Oh, and how did he take it? Did you see his face?
Yeah, but you know the Rooster.
It's like looking at Stonehenge. I don't know what he thinks.
Well, I hope he gets his act together, because I think they're perfect.
Yeah, but maybe the Hen belongs with someone else.
Like a penguin or an ostrich.
I can no longer sit here and listen to this.
Oh, good. Go sit over there.
I'm sorry, but I can't, in good conscience, let this perverse conversation continue.
Are you insinuating that a hen could mate with an ostrich?
Because even ignoring the question of biological feasibility,
it's completely morally reprehensible.
Oh, buzz off with your "morally reprehensible."
How do you expect her to lay those eggs?
Have you thought about that? Have you?
- Hey, big brother! - Hey!
- Surprised? - Yes, sure am.
Liz, T.J. and piles of your belongings.
- It's so good to see you! - Yeah, you, too.
- Hey, Doula. - She's looking good, huh?
Sturdy, too. You know, like she might be a female wrestler or something.
- Oh, fingers crossed. - Right. You know what I'm thinking?
Free tickets.
So, you two just decided to swing by the diner
with a half a dozen bags and a baby apparatus of some kind?
No, we decided to come and keep you company.
- Company? - Yeah, now that April's in New Mexico,
we figured you might be getting a little lonely.
Oh, no, I'm not getting lonely. I mean, I miss having April around,
sure, but, I mean, I talk to her every Wednesday after swim practice
and every Sunday if she's done all her homework.
It's going good.
- Are you buying this? I'm not buying it. - Buying what?
There's nothing to buy. Hey, where are you going?
Don't do the stiff-upper-lip thing with us. We're family.
We're here for you.
Look, Liz, it's really sweet of you to come by and visit, but...
You're planning on staying here for a while?
We don't want you to be lonely.
How long, exactly, are you planning on keeping me company?
- A few days, a week, tops. - I don't need to be kept company.
Yeah, but...
- We should just come clean. - No.
- Yes, about what? - About nothing.
- T. J? - How about them Celtics, huh?
- They sure can dribble a basketball. - Liz?
- We got moths. - I'm sorry?
Oh, me, too, believe me.
Luke, it's horrible. I hate those little floppy, fluttery jerks.
- Moths, huh? - Oh, dude, they're everywhere.
Flying around, popping out of the flour container,
congregating around the light bulbs, all pasty and white.
I swear, moths are like the loser butterflies,
that couldn't get laid if they tied a $100 bill to their...
T.J., I got it. You got moths.
So we figured we could avoid the moths
and have a little quality time with you.
Yeah. All right, yeah...
Just go ahead upstairs and make yourselves at home.
Love it!
It's miso, Richard. It's good for you.
Soup. Stefan! Stefan!
Soup is not a meal, nor is a salad.
Soup and salad are either precursors to a meal or addenda.
- Richard, please. - Soup and salad is not a meal.
- We have salmon, if you want salmon. - I don't want salmon.
For Heaven's sakes, I don't want salmon.
What I would like is a proper meal.
Aurora! The door!
I was given certain dietary parameters.
I know that, I'm not stupid!
I know what the situation is here.
- I just don't know if I can... - Francette! Aurora!
Either of you, both of you, will someone answer the door?
I'm sure Stefan is interested in your input, Richard.
Well, here's my input. This food is inedible.
Fine, I'll get it myself, not that it's my job.
Suggestion?
Maybe you would prefer some light sandwiches?
Sandwiches?
- Hi! Come bearing drugs. - Please don't bellow that.
- Bellow what? Drugs! - Lorelai...
- How's Dad doing? - Oh, he's just fine.
I swear, you can get better food in an airplane!
I haven't been in a submarine, but I'll wager the food is better there, too!
It's an adjustment.
- Let me offer one more suggestion? - What? Tacos?
- No. I quit! - Fine!
Stefan, no!
I'll tell you something.
I have worked in so many four-star restaurants,
I could have my own constellation!
And yet I'm treated like this?
I am sorry, but I have too much self-respect to work for this
terror!
How are things going around here?
- Fine! - Fine!
- Feeling okay, Dad? - I'm fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm gonna go watch Bob Tway vanquish
Greg Norman in the '86 PGA Championship.
Oh, before you go, did you manage to call Rob Mandel's office?
- No. - But Angelique
called three times this morning.
Bully for her. I'm sorry. I have golf to watch.
But, Richard, you didn't eat a thing.
- He didn't eat a thing. - Send something up to him.
Send what? You saw yourself, Stefan just quit.
Well, you could make him something. I mean, the maid could.
- What is her name? - Oh, I don't know.
Aurora, I think. I don't know. And anyway, she's hiding, apparently.
Aurora?
Aurora, where are you?
- The maid is hiding? - According to the nurse.
But she's useless because she won't do anything
that doesn't involve a stethoscope.
Mom, I can make something for Dad.
- Oh, please. - I can make toast,
- if conditions are ideal. - He won't eat it, anyway.
He'll just snap at me. He's snapping at everyone in sight.
The poor maid quivers every time he comes near her. She just quivers.
That's terrible.
And his accountant's office keeps calling
because he's supposed to be filing an 1120.
Who knows what an 1120 is?
- I do. It's a federal tax form. - Aurora!
Well, he won't call them back. All he wants to do is watch golf.
- Yeah, what's with all the golf? - I have no idea!
He just lies there in bed, staring at the TV like a zombie.
Everything is falling apart, everything is chaotic!
Mom, please, sit down.
I'm gonna make you a delicious mocktail, huh?
Then you enjoy that and relax, and I'll take care of the chef,
and I'll make sure that Dad takes his medicine.
So, you don't have to worry. Here.
Thank you, but I'm going to call Angelique and ask about this 1120.
I'll find Aurora.
Aurora!
To heat most of these up, you just zap them for a couple minutes.
- Okay. - Don't worry, each meal has a note
with cooking instructions taped to it.
Did I already tell you you're a goddess?
You may have mentioned something to that effect.
- Could I be the one with the multi-arms? - The who?
The goddess with all the arms, I wanna be her.
Sure. Hey, these look good.
Don't sound so surprised.
Yeah, but they're supposed to be healthy, right?
I mean, they're all healthy?
They're ridiculously healthy.
- Hey! - Hey.
What did we do for my eighth birthday?
I don't know. Is this a quiz? Are you on some sort of radio contest?
No, for Logan's birthday
I'm trying to put together a night of all the birthday highlights that he missed.
- And you're looking for the classics? - Exactly.
I remember that we had an outer space birthday
when I turned six.
Right. We made spacesuits out of garbage bags
and we had Tang and freeze-dried ice cream.
And then when I turned seven, we did a fiesta birthday.
Piñatas and tacos and freeze-dried ice cream.
Freeze-dried ice cream is the best.
I remember really enjoying my eighth birthday,
- I just don't remember what it was. - Teddy-bear tea party.
Oh, that's right.
- So, how's it going over there? - I'd say weirder.
Your grandma's a little on edge.
Oh, hey, Mom, it's Logan on the other line.
- Can you hold on a sec? - Yeah, tell him happy birthday from me.
Will do.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you.
- And happy birthday from my mom. - Thank you.
- Hey, so my dad just called. - Oh, he did?
Yeah, apparently, he remembered my birthday.
And, actually, he said he wants to take us out to dinner, you and me.
Oh, that's great.
Now, I know it's last minute and I know you've got
your whole special Gilmore hoopla treatment planned,
so we don't have to go if you don't wanna go.
No, no, we should go.
We can always do the Gilmore hoopla
after we have dinner with your dad.
Are you sure? It'll probably be lame.
For all I know, he's invited us to crash a meeting with Rupert Murdoch.
That's cool. I can hang with "Mad Dog" Murdoch.
Okay, well, cool. Cool. Thanks, Ace, I'll call him back.
- Happy birthday! - Bye.
Hey, sorry about that.
How's the birthday boy?
He's good, he's fine, but I guess his dad called him.
He wants to take us out to a birthday dinner tonight.
- That sounds like a load of laughs. - Yeah.
Mitchum.
That man is fundamentally incapable of making me feel anything
but small and awful.
Now, that's not true. He's made you feel incompetent, too.
Well, I guess Logan was excited that his dad wanted to take us out,
so that's sweet.
Hey, have you told Grandma and Grandpa about you and Dad yet?
Not yet.
Well, I feel obligated to remind you
that the lives of 400 Cornish game hens hang in the balance.
- Happy Logan's birthday. - Happy Logan's birthday to you.
Bye. That looks unhealthy.
Thank you.
Oh, I love this song!
I don't know why we didn't think of this before.
- Think of what? - Using your fishing line for stringing.
It's really incredible.
Durable, yet plenty thin and flexible.
- I'm glad. - And some of these doohickeys, man,
are really cute. Check it out. Sexy, huh?
Oh, wow, babe. These are gorgeous.
- Thank you, sweetie. - I'm so proud of your sister, Luke.
This jewelry stuff is really taking off, you know?
And it's great, you know, because now I can be the stay-at-home dad
I've always dreamed of being
while this one goes out and brings home the bacon.
We're gonna drive our new van
from trade show to trade show, selling the jewelry.
Like, in a couple weeks, there's this big show in Manhattan.
Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, at the Javits Center. - We'll just load up the van, head up 91,
and start showing off the family jewels.
Sounds good, but I wouldn't take the 91 through New Haven.
There's tons of construction there now. I'd take the Merritt.
How do you know there's construction?
'Cause I went out there to visit Lorelai's dad when he had the heart attack.
- You did? - Yeah, I thought I told you that.
No. You told me that he had a heart attack,
you didn't tell me that you went to the hospital.
What's the big deal?
I don't know, I mean...
You went there for Lorelai
and what's going on with her and her husband?
I don't know, they split up or something.
- They did? - Yeah, well, a week or so ago.
- Well, well, well. - What?
- The plot thickens. - The plot does not thicken.
Okay? We're friends, that's all.
I just went out when I heard her dad was sick. That's it.
That is a relief.
- T. J! - What?
It's a load off my mind, that's all I'm saying.
'Cause I don't think you should get back together with her.
Nobody is talking about getting back together with her.
Good. 'Cause that woman is drama.
Every time you mention her, it's got something to do with the hospital.
- What? - So, how's her dad doing?
I don't know. Good, I guess.
- You haven't called Lorelai? - No.
Don't call her. Don't open that Pandora's box.
If he wants to call her, he should call her. They're friends.
Just lock it up, Luke. Lock it up.
Solder that baby shut.
Would you follow me, please? Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table.
- Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table! - I told you.
Hey, hey, there they are. Happy birthday, Logan.
- Rory. - Hi.
- Great to see you. - You, too.
Sit, sit.
I took the liberty of ordering a bottle of champagne for the table.
Oh, nice.
- Rory, how does that sound? - Sounds like music to my ears.
Good, good. So, you look pretty good.
You hitting the squash courts lately?
Oh, man, I wish. I haven't had much of a chance.
I've been working pretty much nonstop these days.
- He has been. - Well, good for you.
A little hard work never hurt anybody.
To my son, now a quarter of a century old.
Not bad. And to his lovely girlfriend.
The beautiful and always witty Rory.
Hear, hear.
Here's a little amuse-bouche with avocado and crab meat,
compliments of the chef.
- Tell Markham thanks. - You know the chef here?
Yeah, I've known him for... Wow.
Almost 15 years now. Interesting story, actually.
He was the sous-chef at Le Bernardin for a bunch of years.
That's good. That's good crab.
Anyway, one day he just quit,
said he wanted to start his own restaurant.
Everyone thought it was a bad idea at the time.
The odds were against him.
Opening a successful restaurant in Manhattan
is like catching a firefly in your hand,
only a hell of a lot more expensive.
Well, all I can tell you is this amuse-bouche is great.
Yes, my mouth is very amused.
That's funny.
I mean, it was a very gutsy move and it paid off.
- He caught that firefly. - Exactly.
So, Rory, tell me, are you still planning to pursue journalism?
Yes, I am.
I have been writing some articles for an online magazine
and I've just applied for the James Reston Reporting Fellowship.
You know what you should read? Philip Meyer's latest book.
The Vanishing Newspaper. I read it. I loved it.
It's an interesting time in journalism, you know.
I'll tell you what our field needs.
It's an infusion of bright, talented people like you, Rory.
- Thank you. - I mean it.
So Dad took his medicine, he ate half of Sookie's chicken
and the entire mango smoothie. I got three recommendations
of personal chefs from Sookie,
two of whom I've spoken to on the phone. There.
Thank you. Why are you doing all this?
I'm just trying to help, Mom. I don't want you to be so stressed.
But I am, I'm so stressed out. I can't find anything.
What are you looking for?
Your father's accountant wants all sorts of information
so he can file these taxes, which are apparently due in February.
- Well, maybe I can help. - Well, how can you help?
Mom, I have a business, I helped Dad set up this business,
I went to business school. Here, let me see that.
What are you doing?
Don't touch the computer. You could mess something up.
Don't worry, Mom. I know what I'm doing.
Okay, so he's using Quicken.
A profit and loss statement, a balance sheet,
a schedule of assets are all things I can pull up here.
We can just e-mail them over to the accountant for the 1120.
- How do you know about 1120s? - Well, I have to file them for the inn.
The inn's a corporation, just like Dad's company.
Why is everything a corporation?
Well, we incorporated so we were protected from personal liability.
Like, if someone was horribly allergic to pillow mints
and wanted to sue me for a million dollars,
I wouldn't have to pay for it out of my own pocket.
Your father and I don't have anyone who wants to sue us.
Well, Dad probably did it for tax purposes.
It looks like he's got a couple of different investments,
some stocks, a rental building.
Would you like a drink?
I thought the house was dry.
- Vodka or Scotch? - Wow, it's a regular speakeasy.
- Would you like a drink or not? - Vodka, please.
- I have glasses. - Oh.
Serve yourself.
Just because your father can't drink doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer.
Cheers.
That's better.
Mom, Christopher and I split up.
Okay.
- I hardly know what to say. - Really?
That's great. You don't have to say anything at all. Now or ever.
What's a windmill park?
Looks like Dad owns a couple of windmills in Palm Springs.
- We own windmills? - Well, they're energy generators. So...
I had no idea we owned windmills.
That lamb was terrific. My compliments to your friend, the chef.
Well, you're a good orderer. He's always been a good orderer.
Even when he was eight years old, he has always ordered well.
- It's a good skill to have. - It is, it is.
And you know what I should do? I should just order
whatever you're ordering. No matter what it is.
Brains Romana it is, followed by sweetbreads
and some Rocky Mountain oysters.
This is a business thing. If you guys don't mind...
Huntzberger here. No, I haven't talked to him yet.
- "Huntzberger here." - Yeah.
Last year, if he got a call interrupting dinner,
it'd be an invitation to go drink somebody's expensive liquor
and pull some ridiculous prank.
- He's growing up. - Yeah, he's doing really great.
He is and it's because of you.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I know you encouraged him to go to London.
I know you used your influence in a positive way
and Logan's mother and I really appreciate it.
Well, I think Logan deserves all the credit for what he's done.
You're too modest, Rory.
You've been a real asset to Logan and to our family.
Oh, well, thanks.
I know we've had our differences in the past.
- Yeah. - But I'm glad to know that we're now
clearly on the same page.
Okay. Yeah, good.
- To being on the same page? - To being on the same page.
I am really glad we got the chance to talk tonight.
In part because we still have more work to do.
What work?
Well, we have to figure out what his next step should be.
Well, shouldn't he be figuring that out?
Well, you're part of the team here.
And, of course, we're going to take care of you, too.
What do you mean?
We have newspapers all around the world.
- You can take your pick. - My pick?
I seem to remember you saying that I "didn't have it."
Oh, please. Things change.
Circumstances change.
Sorry that took so long.
Have you ever noticed that people in Hong Kong are really chatty?
- No, I haven't. - You know what? That's true.
I know a guy from Kowloon and, man, was he a loquacious son of a bitch.
Oh, here we go!
Apricot and walnut varenikis, drizzled with a raspberry reduction.
I told them to make something special for your birthday.
- Thanks. It looks great. - Happy birthday.
Make a wish.
There we go.
- Honey? - Huh?
It's your turn.
Hey, aren't we supposed to let her just cry
to toughen her up and what not?
Isn't that the latest parenting theory?
Yeah, you only believe in that theory when it's your turn.
All right, all right.
I just don't want her getting too soft.
She's got a wrestling future to think of.
Hey, there, little girl. How are you?
How are you?
Hey, do you think Luke is lonely? I mean, for real?
He does look a little lonely around the eyes.
- I think he's lovesick over Lorelai. - Oh, boy.
T.J., I'm serious.
I just think that he might be better off lonely.
I think they belong together.
That's not what you said when they broke up.
I always thought what you said then made a lot of sense,
about them being in two different space-time continuums and like that.
- It's all about the wormholes. - Between their dimensions?
Yep, all they gotta do is find the right wormhole.
I don't know.
So if you wanna access your bank and credit card account information, you...
- Click "Cash Flow Center." - Yes.
And if you want to see any of these menus,
you right-click right... Yes.
And if I want the hidden account bar,
I double-click that arrow thing up there in the left.
Mom, exactly.
I don't know how I'm going to do all this.
Mom, what are you talking about? You just click-click-clicked.
- You got it all down. - Now.
But I barely understand what you've been telling me.
This is your father's job.
Well, he'll be back on the job soon enough.
I don't know. Have you seen him? He's wearing a dressing gown.
I know, he's watching TV in the bedroom.
I know, Mom. You gotta give the guy a break, you know?
He's not gonna watch TV in the bedroom forever.
No. No, he's not.
Oh, my God, I don't mean he's gonna die.
Well, what are you telling me? That he's going to live forever?
That he's immortal? Is that what you're telling me?
No. I'm just saying, with time, you know...
It's like a canoe.
- What's like a canoe? - Life.
- Okay. - You're just paddling along in a canoe.
- Mother, have you ever been in a canoe? - Lorelai.
Well, I just can't picture you in a canoe.
Your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years.
Only now, he's dropped the paddle.
He just dropped it.
Not only that, but now the canoe is going in circles.
Without your father there, I'm paddling on my side
and the canoe is spinning in circles.
And the harder I paddle, the faster it spins.
And it's hard work and I'm getting tired.
Dizzy, I would think.
You are in a kayak.
You know how to do all of this.
How does that put me in a kayak?
Kayaks have paddles with things on both ends.
You steer it by yourself.
Mom, you know how to do things by yourself.
You are totally capable.
Sure. I went to Smith and I was a History major.
But I never had any plans to be an historian.
I was always going to be a wife.
I mean, the way I saw it, a woman's job was to run a home,
organize the social life of a family,
and bolster her husband while he earned a living.
It was a good system, and it was working very well all these years.
Only, when your husband isn't there because he's watching television
in a dressing gown,
you realize how dependent you are.
I didn't even know I owned windmills.
Mom, now you know. And you know how to right-click.
But you... You provide for yourself.
You're not dependent on anyone. You're independent.
- I am kayak, hear me roar. - I mean, look at you.
For all these years, you've done very well without a husband.
Maybe so, but I still wanted it to work out.
You know, the way I was raised, if a married couple split up,
it was a disaster because it meant the system had fallen apart.
And it was particularly bad for the woman
because she had to go out and find herself another rich husband,
only she was older now.
But with you, it's not such a disaster, is it?
I guess not.
I mean, it's really not such a horrible thing
that you're going to get a divorce.
Not really.
Oh, you're going to be fine.
Thanks, Mom.
You may even marry someone else someday. Who knows?
Who knows?
You know what I think impressed my dad the most?
You eating a 24-ounce steak.
Seriously, it was like a magic trick to him.
- It was a pretty fun dinner, though. - Yeah, it was.
Whoa. Look at all this.
Ace, oh, my God, you got me a piñata!
Well, you deserve a piñata.
I couldn't reach the ceiling so I just...
- Hey, Logan? - Yeah?
Your dad and I had a bit of a weird conversation tonight.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, he started
thanking me for guiding you and steering you or... I don't know.
And then he said that he and I should start planning your future,
like, together.
Well, that's my dad for you.
Well, it felt really weird. I mean,
I felt like we were conspiring or something.
I didn't even agree with what he was saying,
and I ended up toasting. I toasted him.
What did you toast?
To being on the same page, which I'm not.
I'm not even on the same page with him, you know.
I actually think that everything that you've accomplished is
because you've worked hard, and I'm proud of you.
I don't even know how the conversation ended up where it did.
It's okay. You know what just happened? You got Huntzbergered.
That's what my dad does to people. He's a master manipulator.
You sit down with him and you have your own opinions.
But by the time you stand up, you hear yourself agreeing with him
and you stagger away confused and slightly queasy.
Yes. That's exactly it. I got Huntzbergered.
It happens to the best of us.
- Well, I'm glad you're not upset. - No, not at all.
I mean, I don't like the fact that the guy thinks of me as some kind of puppet,
but I have a hunch that pretty soon he's going to have to rethink that one.
You got me Twister? I never had Twister.
- You didn't? - No, it was a childhood of deprivation.
Oh, and a pin the tail on the... What animal is that?
Oh, that was a donkey, but I messed the ears up,
put antlers on it, and now it's pin the tail on the moose.
I never had pin the tail on the moose as a boy, either.
Poor little rich boy.
I think that since we're short on time,
we should skip straight ahead to the classic 12th birthday.
Ice-skating in Central Park.
- Sounds good. - Great, I'll go change.
Hey, Philip. What's up, man?
I'm afraid I've got some grim news.
What? What's going on?
I just got off the line with our lawyers.
They say they just got a cease-and-desist letter from Prism-Active,
this tech company in Palo Alto,
claiming prior art on our Media-Ten platform.
- They're reviewing the patent now, but... - What do you mean, prior art?
They're claiming patent infringement.
But that's what we bought.
Our patent's pending. We bought that technology.
That's the entire value of the company.
But they're saying it's worthless. It was already owned.
They were just waiting for someone with deep pockets to buy in
- before they sued. - Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Happy birthday, man.
Okay, close your eyes.
Are they closed?
They're closed.
Okay, voilà!
- Wow, it's a giant furry... What the hell? - It's a Russian ushanka,
- which also doubles as a birthday crown. - Wow, I bet I look great.
You have no idea.
- Hey, Luke. - Hey, T. J.
You know what you could use? A changing table.
Yeah, and if you're getting stuff for your apartment,
- you should get a dryer. - Yeah, I'm not getting things.
- Why do I need a dryer? - Sopping towels.
And why are the towels sopping?
My bad. I forgot you said not to use the garbage disposal.
Well, not forgot so much as I thought you were exaggerating.
- I wasn't exaggerating. - And we have more bad news.
Oh, yeah?
The exterminator said the moths turned out to be rice moths.
And this means you'll be staying how much longer?
Which means we're headed home right now.
- Most of the stuff's already in the car. - Rice moths are a snap to get rid of.
They're already gone.
It's just a bummer to leave 'cause we've been having such a good time.
Yeah, yeah.
But Doula should be in her own home.
That's what we thought. Plus, your mattress,
- not so comfortable, shall we say. - Yeah, well, sorry about that.
No worries, no worries.
But put it on the list of things you're gonna fix around here.
- All right, then. - All right.
- Thanks again. - Okay.
Your casa is my casa, and for that, I am grateful.
- Okay. - You take care
and call if you're feeling lonely.
- We will come and visit, okay. Anytime. - Okay.
- Sounds great. - Anytime, I mean it.
- Bye. - Bye.
Good morning.
Good morning. Would you like some coffee?
Yes.
I woke up this morning and I've gotta say,
for the first time in my life,
I got where the teetotalers are coming from.
If I had a hatchet and a barrel of booze?
Forget about it.
- What are you up to today? - Today?
I'm going to attend a DAR lecture on Native American artwork,
and then I have lunch with Sarah Montgomery-Brown
and Melissa Ceria.
And, of course, I'll have my hands full canceling the party.
I've already called the florist and the hall.
We'll only get 60% of our deposit back, but that's better than nothing.
I should go.
I need time to change before I have to go to the inn.
Fine.
Thank you for your help with the Quicken last night.
You're welcome.