Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 6, Episode 5 - We've Got Magic to Do - full transcript

Oh! Winded-- too many steps.

I said I'd carry them.

Need water. Gunga din!

They're not that heavy.

You should take those steps out.
They get in the way.

First thing tomorrow.
Man, you bought a lot of stuff.

All stuff I need or want or think I might
some day need or want. Okay,
let's find your new wallet!

We can get it later.

No, it's buried in here somewhere.

Have I looked in this bag already?

You didn't have to buy me a new wallet.
My old wallet was fine.

Your old wallet has velcro.

It works.

It's disgusting. Come on, let's find it.

Wait a second. What is this?

Your underwear.

Ah, thanks a lot.

I didn't see how big they were.
What are they doing in there?

Well, I guessing probably hiding
from their real owners,

'cause I would hate to be wrapped
around the woman who fit those.

You grabbed the wrong bag.

Poor thing, she's single.

It still applies.

Hello?

Sookie, slow down,
I can't understand a word you're saying.

She's got huge feet.

The Inn's on fire?!

What?

The stove is on fire? Well, put it out.

It's out? So you're saying there was a fire,
but now it's out.

Good, what's the damage?

You had a fire?

Okay, okay, good. I'll be right there.

The wall behind the stove caught fire.
There's damage, but nothing major. Thank god.

Come on. I'll take you.

Oh, my god, another fire at the Inn,
like the Independence Inn.

Oh no. Am I a fire starter?
I'm a fire starter, aren't I?

You are not a fire starter.
Caesar, we'll be right back.

- What about the bags?
- Caesar will put the bags away. Let's go.

Go first, in case things burst into
flames behind me as I walk.

Will do.

I saw my whole life pass before my
eyes-- that's how traumatic it was!

She's been Scarlett O'Hara for two hours.

It's sickening.

My whole life-- flash-- I mean,
that's upsetting!

You know, not that it's been a bad life,

although I could have skipped
seeing "Mummenschanz."

Do you want to hand me the screwdriver?

I would kind of need a third hand to do that.

Why are the boys bickering?

There's something in the air today.

Could you not shine that in my face?

Just move your face.

You mean off of my head?

So, Mutt and Jeff,
what's the prognosis there?

When's the last time you
checked your ductwork?

Never.

Oh, boy, I shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen!

My guess is that the grease
built up in the back,

and the ventilation's not great,
and the wall heated up, and it burned.

So what do we do?

Don't tell me we're shut down!

Repair the wall before you put the
stove back, and you're gonna
have to clean your ductwork.

Which means closing the kitchen till you do.

Well, then, fix it now.

You need a pro to do this.

If an insurance guy doesn't see it
before you fix it, he won't pay.

Well, I've already talked
to the insurance company.

They've never heard of us.

That's impossible-- we're customers.
We send them a check every month.

The people I talked to-- all very rude,
by the way--

said they don't even cover
businesses such as ours.

Again. A mistake. I'll get the policy out,
I'll call them myself.

Thank you.

You really should get a second screwdriver.

Nag, nag, nag.

- We should be flayed.
- Don't overreact, Nora.

We should never have let it get to this
point. We're all at fault here.

It's a humiliation.

Ladies, we know this.
No one is more embarrassed than myself,
but what are we going to do?

How many tables are still unsold?

- Over half.
- Oh! Unbelievable!

This is a function for our troops.

We'll be the laughingstock of the D.A.R.

We'll lose our national accreditation,
and this is a very weak drink.

It's just punch, Nora.

My point, dear.

I simply don't understand people.

This money was designated for additional
armor for the boys at Fort Drum.

We've insulted the organization,
insulted our troops.

We might as well march to Mount Vernon,
drop our drawers,

and do something foul on George
Washington's grave.

Nora!

I'm sorry, but I'm really upset about this,

and I'm far too sober to put it
in any sort of perspective.

But the function is still a week away.
There's time to fix this.

Rory, you're darling.

She's new, ladies.

A week is nothing.

Again, what do we do?

We should cancel the event.

This is a nightmare.

Is Constance not showing her face on purpose?

Would you?

Why would Constance...?

She's running the event-- into the ground.

I blame myself. I let her talk me into it.

She's never slipped up like this before.

Is it definitely too late to do something?

To do what?

I don't know. To publicize the event more,
get those tables sold?

We spent our budget for publicity.
We're wiped out.

A budget is just an estimation.

It's guesswork, fake numbers.

In any business endeavor,
sometimes it makes sense

to run a deficit in order to achieve
a bigger payoff later.

We're lunching with Grover Norquist.

Well, have we tried getting the word out
online? A lot can be done that way.

And maybe we can add some
entertainment or a theme,

send out some e-mails.
E-mailing doesn't cost a thing.

We hadn't thought about e-mail.

I think there's a way to correct this.
A week is plenty of time.

Well, well, well, we have a star amongst us.

- Who?
- You.

Me?

- Take it over.
- What?

I think that's a wonderful idea!

I don't know.
We have a mountain here, ladies.

We're screwing the pooch, Emily,
and we've got to go balls out.

I will not have those priggish twigs from the
New York chapters lording this over us.

We need to take a swing here,
and babe Ruth sits before us.

You shouldn't feel pressured.

I know.

If Rory doesn't think she can do it,
she'll turn us down.

I suppose that's true.

What do you say, slugger?

- I'll do it.
- Yes!

Let's ring Constance.

We'll put you in touch with the people
at the venue immediately.

And you'll have an assistant, Lacey.
You'll love her.

I'd look at the menu.

And we'll set up a discretionary fund.

This publicity idea you were
thinking of may be the key.

Dig in, everybody.

I'm past digging, I'm burrowing.
This is delicious.

Tri-tip on the barbecue-- you can't beat it.

- Hey, you turn the barbecue off?
- The barbecue is off.

- Good stuff, huh?
- Really good.

Thanks. Excuse me.
Davey, turn the volume down!

The vegetables are good, Sookie.

Thanks, Luke.
Davey, you heard your father-- turn it down!

- I'll turn it down.
- No, we want Davey to do it.

That's how he learns.

You heard me, son. Turn it down.

- Turn it down!
- Right now.

Ooh, I need a lemon slice.

So did anybody see that new
show on TV last night?

Where they were solving crimes by cutting
bodies open and poking their organs?

No.

Where they're solving crimes from 30
years ago by going to graveyards

and cutting open bodies and
poking their organs?

No.

The one where people are missing,
and they find their bodies,

cut them open, and poke their organs,
and that's how they solve crimes?

No.

- What else is on?
- You gotta turn the TV down, son!

- Are you sure you don't want me to--
- He's got to learn.

You heard me, son! Volume down!

- Volume down!
- Listen to your mother!

What's that show I'm thinking of?

I'm back.

You like the squash, Luke?

Oh, this is gonna bug me.

I'm not a big fan of the squash.

I forgot the pepper flakes.

Sookie, your food's getting cold.

I thought you liked squash.

Nope.

What's that vegetable I thought you liked?

Hey Sookie, do you have a fork for Paul Anka?
He likes his own fork. Plastic preferred.

Got one here.

Oh, now this is gonna bug me!
What is that vegetable?

The plastic's too high for me to reach.
It's up there.

I'll get it. You have to eat.

Jackson, what's that smell?

Oh, man, I left the barbecue on.

We cannot set this place on fire, too.
I have had enough fires this week.

I'll get it.

Turn the volume down, Davey.
I'm not gonna tell you twice.

Here you go. It's nice and lean,
the way you like it.

Dog who doesn't like fat is just weird.

He's not weird.

He's trying to maintain his
bathing-suit figure.

So, speaking of my least favorite
word in the world-- fire--

where are we with the insurance company?

Nowhere.
I got the same runaround they gave Michel.

Let's just do the work. Forget the insurance.
Give me back my kitchen.

Tom's all ready to jump in, but we can't
afford to do it without the insurance money.

That's why we have insurance.

We have stupid insurance.

- Wasn't this policy set up by your--
- Yes.

- Does it mean that you have to--
- Yes.

- Sorry. - I know.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I'll call him tomorrow.

Barbecue's off.

Martha's up.

I'm on it.

Turn the TV down, Davey.

Turn it down. You heard us-- turn it down.

I'm gonna count to 10, Davey, then the TV
is going off for the rest of the week.

10...

9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

She threw out the menu.

Hmm?

Rory-- she's changed the entire menu.

What menu?

Richard, listen when I talk to you.

I'm sorry, Emily.

It takes a second to emerge from Samuel
Beckett. He's a strange man.

Go on.

Rory threw out the entire menu
for the Fort Drum event.

I mean granted, Constance was going with
cornish game hen-- been there, done that--

and her fetish for Brussels
sprouts is upsetting.

But to throw out the entire
menu so close to the event?

I can't say that I'm a big fan of D.A.R.
cuisine, so I may not be of much help.

I'm trying not to butt in,
but how can I not worry?

By not thinking about it.

Is there still a U.S.O?

I think so. Why?

That's the theme, the U.S.O.--

Or that's where it's being held.

Oh, my god,
she didn't change the menu and the location?
Is that possible?

You should ask her.

I'm trying to keep out of it.

You're doing a terrific job.

She's not serving salmon puffs.

Good night, Mr. Beckett.

We've never not served salmon puffs.

Not in 25 years have we staged
an event without salmon puffs.

Emily, please.

It's Rory.

What she tackles, she conquers.

This girl could name the state capitals at 3,

recite the periodic table at 4,

discuss Schopenhauer's influence
on Nietzsche when she was 10.

She's read every book by every
author with a Russian surname

and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of
the toughest schools on the east coast.

If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has
a good reason to exclude salmon puffs.

And I, for one, have complete confidence
in her ability to tackle this job,

and so should you.

Fine, go back to your Beckett.

Thank you.

Salmon puffs.

We'll show 'em, huh, guys?!

We'll show 'em you don't need fancy
stuff like stoves in order
to make a delicious meal.

We've got salads-- lots and lots of salads--

caprese and endive and arugula and-- ooh!--

cold sandwiches and beef carpaccio and tuna
carpaccio and vegetable carpaccio and--

oh, my god.
Am I ever gonna get the stove back?
I'm dying here!

- Okay, hang in there, hon.
- Thanks.

Lorelai, I hope it's all right
walking in like this.

I knew where the kitchen was,
so I just figured I'd come back.

Sookie.

You're our knight in shining armor,
Mr. Gilmore.

This is Harris. He'll do the inspection,
get the lay of the land.

Shouldn't take long.

Go ahead and start.

I should apologize for the
red tape and the delay.

As a rule,
we don't take on small accounts like this,

except under extraordinary circumstances.

Until the news reached my desk,
no one was sure of what to do.

Uh-huh.

I can write you a check today.

Figured that would please you.

Terrific.

I'm gonna go call Tom and see if he can race
right over here and start the work.

Bless you, sir. You're my golden god.

So, um, how's your big plan working out?

Excuse me?

Oh, your big plan for Rory.
How's that going, dad?

Let me know if you need anything, Harris.

Is she back at Yale?

Lorelai--

Oh, I take it she's not.

No, she's not.

Huh. But it's in the works.

We'll be here 10 minutes.

Let me guess-- you're gonna trick
her into going back, right?

You'll drive up and drop her off at Yale,

then you'll drive away really quickly before
she catches on. Is that one of the plans?

Is there anything I can do
to expedite this, Harris?

You see that family of Logan's recently,
the Hamburgers?

Huntzbergers.

Right, right. How are the old Huntzbergers?

They behaving any better than that night
they humiliated your granddaughter?

They did not humiliate her.

Rory said they did.

I know the Huntzbergers. They're fine people.

What happened that night
was a misunderstanding,

because they have nothing against Rory.

No?

Why would they?

Ask them!

It's not true!

Well, then that granddaughter
of yours-- what a liar.

Harris, take a couple of
pictures and we'll go.

We just need the quote from
your contractor in writing.

Send all his bills directly to me.

- Will do.
- Goodbye.

It's been lovely.

What about silverware?

I can get you 1940s, the real thing.

Plates are a toughie.

Plates break.

I can get you a couple of dozen,
hand-painted, not 100.

So, what's our best bet, an off-white, new,
but made to look vintage?

Off-white would be super.

They should be heavy, right, solid?

My servers are gonna love that.

Then not too heavy.
Lacey, get me samples of all this?

Will do.

There must be a color photo
of the Hollywood canteen.

We've checked the internet. The library?

The Getty in California has one in
their collection, but they're
very flaky on the phone.

Oh, California.

I'm so over the west coast.

A bunch of granola heads.

Rory Gilmore's phone.

Who's calling?

One moment, please.

It's Logan Huntzberger.

I'll take that.

Hello?

Oh, my god. Who was that?

My assistant. I forwarded my phone to hers.

You have an assistant?

Just for this D.A.R. thing.
I get a million calls.

I consider myself lucky
to be patched through.

You have priority clearance.

So, good news. I got the P.A.
system you wanted at the price you wanted.

Really? Cool.

Lacey, P.A. system-- done.

Excellent.

That's great.

This guy's done the sound at every party I've
ever thrown. He's the best in the business.

And, oh, goody.

Paris is here. And she looks upset.

That and a bulldozer would knock me over.

Excuse me? The door is locked.

Do you know her?

Let her in, then hide.

I'll call you later.

Bye.

"Do you know her?"

I'm only her best friend.
Who the hell are you?

Paris, come here. Calm down.

- What's wrong?
- I'm broke.

Broke? How?

My parents flipped the bird at the I.R.S.
one too many times.

They've frozen everything.
All I've got is my trust fund,
which doesn't kick in till I'm 25.

Unless you can whip out a magic wand
and age me four years, I'm a goner.

Sit down. Calm down.

My ATM refused me.

I thought it was just that particular one.

So I went to another, and it refused me, too.

So I went to the bank and used
a few choice expletives,

and a bunch of guys in suits
started closing in on me.

So I started pacing and yelling,
"Attica! Attica!"

Then the manager hit a little
red button under his desk,

so I ran out of there and
came right over here.

I'm a pauper. I'll be playing a
hurdy gurdy on street corners

and selling pencils out of a tin cup.

Slow down.

Yale's paid for through the end of the year,
thank god.

But what'll I do about everything
else I need? What'll I do?

You'll have to do what everyone
else who needs money has to do.

What's that?

What people do.

What am I, a mind reader?

Get a job.

A job?

I've never had a job. I don't know the
first thing about having a job.

All I've got on my resumé
is academic achievements,

which will mean doodly-squat when
I'm in line with 11,000 people

vying for an opening in the garden
department at Wal-Mart.

Paris, wait. As you said, Yale's paid for.
That's the bright side.

From now on,
you'll just have to keep your expenses low.

And I could get you some work-- right away.
How would that be?

- Really?
- Yes.

I know you'll be a hard worker.
That's a given.

I definitely would be.

And I speak Chinese and Farsi. That'll help.

Well, I need servers for the food.
You could do that, right?

I think so.

See? You're on the road to recovery.

Oh, thanks.

And I'll work my butt off, too, Glenda.

Oh, and I know a smattering of ancient
Aramaic, if that helps.

- It could.
- If Christ shows up.

And who are you?

Go home, Paris. You've had a rough day.

I guess.

I'll call you with the details.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, can you spot me a 20...

Sure.

5, 25?

Here you go.

Thanks.

I owe you more than you currently realize.

Okay, where were we?

Mmm.

Pasta's almost done, sauce is close, too.

We could have just used the
store-bought sauce I have.

That stuff is junk.

It's delicious Italian sauce.

Okay, first off, it's not.

Second, all you had was four already-opened
jars, two of which I
couldn't get the lids off of.

Somebody needs some gym time.

- And one of them had a layer of white
fuzz on it. - That was a little gross.

- And the last one, green fuzz.
- Also gross.

I make better, just like mama taught me.

I know you do.

- How's Paul Anka's dinner coming?
- His hamburger's close, too.

You're not overcooking it,
'cause he likes it rare plus--

you know, not too rare, but not medium rare.

I'm cooking it to his exacting
specifications.

Miss Patty's having a recital?

Oh, yeah. It's her big annual show.

All her kids in all her
classes get to perform.

It's be there or be square,
best show in town.

This Thursday? This is a goood night.
I can have Caesar close for me.

Why?

So I can go with you.

Oh, no. You're not going to this recital.

Why not?

Because it's a night of kids dancing,
singing, twirling batons-- you'll hate it.

No, I won't.

Yes, you will.

It's not my first choice in entertainment,
but I'll go.

Luke, no.

You have been sacrificing too much
of yourself these past few months.

You go with me to my movies,
you tag along when I go shopping.

And that dinner at Sookie and Jackson's-- how
you kept from killing
us all, I'll never know.

I haven't been complaining about any of this.

I know,
and that has filled me with no end of guilt.

You've been a saint,
but you've got to do your Luke stuff, too.

When was the last time you
went camping or fishing?

You don't like camping or fishing.

That shouldn't stop you from
camping or fishing.

I'd go if I felt like it.

Then go Thursday while I'm at the recital.

I'll go with Sookie. It'll be fun with her.

You sure?

Yeah, go.
You haven't been camping in forever.

Be Grizzly Adams.

Okay, sure, I'll go camping.

Good.

Oh, that's officially it.

Oh, medium rare, not rare plus.
I'll get him another.

Well, I don't know why I bother.

The great books take practically
a lifetime to read as it is.

But if you heed the word of Mortimer Adler,

one needs to read a classic three times
to fully comprehend its meaning.

Yeah.

I wonder if Mortimer ever read
"Euclid's geometry" three times.

That's a fun read.

Have you read "Euclid's geometry"?

Me? No.

It doesn't get any drier.

What have you been reading lately?
I keep forgetting to ask.

Rory?

Sorry, guys.
The event's right around the corner,

and I just keep thinking
of things I have to do.

I'm just texting Lacey.

So how's that going?

Good, really good.

Good.

Did Lacey mention the partitions?

Partitions?

At Wafford Hall.

It's so big, and these partitions can cut
the room so it won't look so empty.

They're not very decorative, but they work.

Hold on just a second.

Partitions?

For the room.

But we won't have any room-- we're sold out.

Sold out?

That's not possible.

Oh, it's a fact.
The theme got people's attention.

Plus, the online campaign
went like gangbusters.

We're having to turn people away.
That's what I was texting Lacey about.

I'm trying to squeeze in a few more, but
we're fighting the fire department over it.

You're turning people away?

But still encouraging them to give
a sizable donation to our boys.

Brilliant.

Sold out!

I knew you could do it!

Good job!

Thank you.

- Continue texting.
- Thank you.

Oh, when the band gets here,
grab Jerry and get them to do a sound check.

Make sure they're happy with the sound.
Not just Jerry, because--

Lacey? Where's my Lacey?

Here.

Come on, honey, keep up.

I spotted the security guard,
so I filled him in.

Excellent. Cross that off the list.
Servers are here?

- Got them all waiting in the back.
- Excellent.

Treat her gently there, boys.
Betty's life was tough enough.

Hey, Paris.

- Rory, I clocked in.
- Cool.

They gave me this card,
and it had my name on it.

And I shoved it in the clock thing,
and it made the punchy sound,

- and I'm officially on the job.
- Great.

And I'm prepared, too.

I was a little nervous last night about
making small talk with co-workers,

so I went to the video store
and rented "Working girl"

and the first season of "Just shoot me."

Got a couple of Wendie Malick bon mots
that have already come in handy.

- Very good. Welcome.
- Thanks, boss.

- I'm gonna welcome the whole group here.
- No problem.

Hello. You must be my servers.

I'm Rory Gilmore.
I'm running this little shindig.

How are all of you today?

- Good.
- Great.

You all come highly recommended by Glenda,
our catering manager,

so I know you're all top notch.

Yeah, super.

Looks like a good group. Good group.

Um, you know, you should probably
be standing over with the others.

Oh, right. I'm one of them. Got it. Sorry.

So it's going to be hard work tonight.
We have 100 people dining with us.

But I want you to have fun, too.

We have your outfits on a rack over here.

Your name should be on them.

It's a good cause,
so let's get changed and go do.

So, working hard or hardly working?

Oh, my, oh, my.

I love it!

Thank you.

So where's Luke tonight?

As we speak, he's off communing with nature.

- Oh, good for him.
- Yeah.

Ooh, the ballerinas are doing "Swan lake."

That always makes me cry.

Oh, Patty's packed it all in. Baton twirling,
a modeling exhibition.

She's added a couple new features, too.

What's krumping?

Um, like hip-hop dance, I think,
more herky-jerky.

And what is pubic speaking?

I'm hoping it's a misprint.

I hope so, too.

Welcome, everybody, to the 28th-annual
miss Patty's school grand recital.

Thank you.
We have a lot on the program tonight.

So, without further ado, please welcome my
intermediate pupils as they welcome you.

Hit it, boys.

She always does a fun opening number.

- Isn't he cute?
- Darling.

Uh-oh, they're in the audience.

I hate it when they come into the audience.

This is-- this is not good.

Oh! Blowing stuff on us!

- People seem hungry tonight. Tell...
- ...Glenda to speed the trays up a bit.

- Yeah, and let the sound guy know...
- ...that the drums are a little loud.

- And it's a tad warm.
- Already had them adjust the A.C.

- Any incoming choppers, radar?
- Choppers? No.

- What do you mean?
- That was a joke, Lacey.

Oh. Sorry.

You're a doll.
Remember to have a little fun tonight, too.

Will do.

Radar-- I get it now.

That was funny. I'll be back.

- Appetizers?
- Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

So how was that?

Mm, fine, very good.

I meant the transaction.

I'd love a performance review. Come on.
Be my Dave Navarro.

Um, you were fine.

I'm gonna need more.

It was T.S. Eliot who said criticism
is as inevitable as breathing

and said that we should be none the worse
for articulating what passes in our mind

when we read a book, see a play, or-- now I'm
elaborating-- pass a cheddar and olive ball.

I need some feedback.

Really, you offered it to me well,
and all seemed great,

and I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Good. Thank you. This has been a help.

Welcome to the Hollywood canteen.

Thank you. We're the Gilmores.

Richard, look at this place!

It's wonderful.

Here is your table number.

And take a pin, both of you.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, I love this song.

And look at the band-- it's
the Andrews Sisters.

They've kept in pretty good shape.

Hi, guys.

Looks like you've got a hit on your hands.

So far, so good.

No one's dancing, though.

It's early.
You'll see plenty of dancing after dinner.

You'll see some dancing right now.

Richard, it's before dinner!
There's no dancing during appetizers.

Come on,
let's show these fuddy-duddies how it's done.

My father was a huge Benny Goodman fan.

Hated Glenn Miller, hated him.

Always claimed it wasn't the enemy who shot
down that plane of his, but music lovers.

Oh, Richard, that's a horrible thing to say.

It was my father who said it.

But you just repeated it.

Here's the woman of the hour.

How's the food, everybody?

The macaroni and cheese-- what
an inspiration!

Rory, please accept my profound
thanks for serving food

at a D.A.R. event which is remarkably edible.

Oh, Richard. We always have good food.

You have fancy good food.

If I never look at another duck's liver for
the rest of my life, I will be a happy man.

Rory, could I pull you away
for just a second?

Sure. Excuse me, everybody.

She's so poised...

like you, Emily.

A party's arrived. I'm looking, looking.

They did not RSVP,
but they're expecting a table.

Oh, great. Where are they?

By the war bonds table.
It's Shira Huntzberger.

She waltzed in with a group of ladies in tow

and made it clear she expected
to be accommodated.

- Dis she?
- And not very nicely either.

Oh, what a shock.

But you know her, right?
That's your boyfriend's mother.

Yeah, yeah, I know her.

I didn't mean to insult her before.
She was just very abrupt.

I'll take care of it.

- Here's the seating chart.
- Thanks.

Hey, boss.

It's interesting, you know.

Karl Marx has come alive for me today.

I never understood what he was
yammering about before.

Now it just seems so obviously wrong
that those who control capital

should make their fortunes off the
labor of the working class.

What's wrong with you?

Shira Huntzberger is here.

Logan's mom?

And she showed up with no warning,

no RSVP,
no donation to the cause that I know of.

Just sashayed in,
expecting everyone to fall at her feet.

- I hate that.
- I hate her.

Hate-- strong, unadulterated, blind-- ah!

Wow. You're always so Desmond Tutu-ey.
This is refreshing.

I should tell her to leave. I should
march up to her and tell her to
grab those arrogance-dripping,

petulance-oozing, surgically cosmeticized
bims she brought along and hit the bricks.

I bet they all have money, too--

every one of those commodity fetishists.

How can she expect a table?

The tables are for the people
who are polite enough

to respond to an invitation
in the proper manner.

I bet you the Romanovs never RSVP'd either.

They got theirs. Capitalist scum.

I hate her.

I hate the rich.

A hard rain is gonna fall,
you know what I'm saying?

I really hate her!

They should die.

I should probably give her a table.

What?

We have a spare table. We kept it open
in case of something like this.

I should give it to her.

But she doesn't deserve it.

I know, but this is business.

It's not personal.

I should give her that table.

Fine. Whatever you think. You're the boss.

Hey, boss, how much are you getting
paid in this job of yours?

Mrs. Huntzberger.

Rory, hi! What are you doing here?

I'm running this event.

I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

I think I've been bad.

Oh, really? Why?

I just showed up without any warning.

I didn't think I could come,
so I didn't call.

Then I could,
and the group and I just came down.

It happens.

That's what I told that other girl.

She was a bit rude.

Lacey? I'll talk to her.

Could you get us a table?

Of course.

It's not a problem?

Not at all. Come with me. It's all set up.

You are the best.

It's just my job.

So no Logan?

Not tonight.

Not his thing?

Oh, you know Logan.

Here we are.

Thank you so much.

And you look so pretty.

So do you. Have a good time.

I'm sure we will.

You've created a superstar here tonight,
Emily. I hope you know that.

Well, yes, I do.

There's already talk of giving her the A.A.

An A.A?

An Abigail Adams,
for distinguished service above and beyond.

She deserves it.

She's made this a must-be-at event.

I'm guessing that's what brought Shira here.

Shira?

Shira Huntzberger's here?

Rumsfeld, himself, would probably call her

and thank her for the donation
she made on the way in.

Hillbilly armor will be a thing of the past.

Where is she sitting?

Up front-- the table by the band.

Oh, my god.

What?

Oh, my god, excuse me.

Rory, where's the seating chart?

What? Why?

There's been a terrible mistake.

What mistake?

You sat Shira Huntzberger at the slush table.

It was all that was available.

The slush table is the loser table.

But why would we have a loser table?

It's for people who show up unannounced.

She was unannounced.

There's people,
then there's the Huntzbergers.
They cannot sit at the table.

This needs to be rectified.

I don't know what I can do.
Every table is taken.

I'll take care of it.
Give me the seating chart.

I'll find someone to bump.
There's always someone to bump.

Grandma, it doesn't seem
fair to bump someone.

It's not. But if we don't find better
seating for the Huntzbergers,
it'll be a major faux pas,

and it may be the only thing people remember
from this otherwise wonderful event.

- Wow.
- Yes.

Well, thank you for helping.
And it's not the Huntzbergers.

What?

You keep saying "the Huntzbergers."
It's only Shira and some friends.

- And Mitchum.
- No.

Yes. He's right over there.

The Bettertons, perfect!
We'll bump Constance Betterton.
It's a win/win.

- Paris?
- I'm just on my break.

You're white as a sheet.

I'm having trouble breathing.

You're having a panic attack.

I think so.

Don't worry. I have these all the time.

- What do I do?
- Well, it depends.

There are different kinds. Does it feel like
an elephant is sitting on your chest?

No.

Does your chest feel like an overinflated
balloon with a slow leak?

Not really.

Sharp needles, intermittently poking
into your left ventricle?

I don't know from ventricles,
but there is a needle thing.

You need diazepam.

50-- no, 100 milligrams. I'll get my purse.

No, wait. I don't want any diazepam.

Well, what do you want?
Fluoxetine, protriptyline?

I have others floating around
the bottom of my purse.

I have no idea what they are,
but popping a few can't hurt.
Pretty hot grab bag.

These people-- those people,
they didn't even RSVP.

That's not right. This is for our boys.
They need to make a donation.

Tough night for you, huh?

Shira's one thing. I can deal with her.
But Mitchum?

I can't see him. I can't face him.

It's too much, after what he did,
what he said to me.

What did he say to you?

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have--

You wouldn't have what?

Rory?

Nothing, nothing.

He's just--

they're just not the nicest people.

Well, the rich never are,
because they don't have to be.

When you control the means of production,
it reduces the incentive to humanize workers.

- Capitalist system--
- I haven't eaten all day.

I think I should eat. That's my problem.

Sure, boss, go eat.

There's probably somewhere
else where you eat, right?

Special room.

It's just so damn beautiful.

I know, honey.

The Patty ballerinas, everybody.

Now I would like to introduce a special
new segment of my annual recital

entitled "it was 20 years ago today."

One of our local townsmen is
going to re-create an act

that he performed on this
very stage 20 years ago.

This young man was a talented pupil
of my wonderful dancing
skills and a genius tumbler.

He once did 98 somersaults in
a row without throwing up.

But that's nothing compared
with his talent for mime.

Here to present a piece of his own creation
entitled "the journey of man"

exactly as he performed it 20 years ago is...

Kirk!

It's moments like these that
make life worth living.

- Ew.
- Ew.

- Ew!
- Ew!

So it's the birth of Lucille Ball?

He's a parent now, I get that.

He's moving along at a nice clip.

I'll be right back.

I'll catch you up when you return.

Hey, Grizzly Adams.

Why are you back?
The woods closed or something?

No, they weren't closed. I was--

I don't know. It's... what it is.

- Nature.
- Nature?

Nature is...

You know, it's there,
I saw it-- trees, leaves, whatever.

That's your second answer in the form
of a haiku. Let's get beyond
that. Why are you back?

Because I felt like coming back.
I can't do what I want to do?

- Of course you can.
- Good.

But camping is something you want to do.

No, it's what you wanted me to do.

When did you turn against camping?

I didn't turn against camping.

I'm just trying to understand why you
were trying to get rid of me tonight.

I wasn't doing that.

You sent me off to the woods.

What if I dot want to go off to the woods?

You always want to go to the woods.

I don't like going to the woods when
I'm being banished to them.

- No one is banishing you.
- It felt like it.

Well, then, that's my fault.

Look... I like doing things with you.

Surprised I have to tell you that.

You don't have to tell me that.

I like going shopping with you,
I like having dinner with Sookie and Jackson.

The actual shopping seems a little pointless,

and Sookie's kids drive me up a wall,
but you're there,
and I like hanging with you.

I know that.

And I could have been fun at this recital.

You're probably sitting there
mocking most of it.

I can mock stuff.

Oh, you're a great mocker.

I was only thinking of you when
I mentioned the camping.

You haven't been camping since we got
together, and I was feeling weird about that.

You should do the things you like.

I do do the things I like.

I wasn't getting rid of you. I want you
to do whatever you want to do with me.

I know that sounded dirty.
And dirty things count,
but I didn't mean the dirty things.

You and me can hang whenever, wherever.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm being sensitive.

I really wasn't getting rid of you.

I mean, I'm not dying to see baton twirling.

I'm happy to be with a man who isn't.

Was there baton twirling?

Oh, yes, and it was no fun.
She didn't drop it once.

You want to come back to the recital with me?

Kirk is doing something
strange and disturbing.

No, I think I might go back out camping.

Wouldn't mind doing some fishing.

Good.

Yeah.

- Good.
- Okay.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Kirk's dying.

Oh.

Well, it's gonna happen to all of us one day.

Just not so spazzy.

And that's our show, everybody,
and I think it was the best one ever!

From all of us at the miss Patty school,
we thank you.

They're back!

Okay. Oh, wow!

You'd think they would have
run out of glitter by now.

This is so stressful!

Richard.

Oh, Mitchum, old boy.
I didn't know you were out there.

Just got here.
It's quite the affair we got going here.

And for a wonderful cause.

Not stuffy like the others,
no smell of mothballs.

Oh you know,
my granddaughter is responsible for it.

Oh yeah?

Planned the whole thing.

That's nice. I didn't know that.
She's a sweet kid.

The sweetest.

Yeah. I wish Rory nothing but the best.

I came straight from work without
looking in a mirror.

Wish I had.

Mitchum, just out of curiosity,
what happened with all of that?

All of what?

Uh, that paper of yours in
Stanford-- something apparently
got blown out of proportion.

There was some misunderstanding.

Oh, it was nothing much. She's a great kid.

She is. And a great journalist-- I've read
things she's written. She's a talent.

Maybe.

What do you mean "maybe"?

Well, I worked with her, Richard.
I read her stuff, too.

Meaning?

I've read great. I know what great is.

When I said great,
I didn't mean she was Ben Bradley yet,
but she could be.

Anything's possible.

What exactly happened at that paper, Mitchum?

It didn't work out, Richard.
It was just one of those things.

She's better off for what I did.

And what exactly did you do?

Nothing you wouldn't have done.

And what was that?

You're in the business world.
You have employees, yes?

Of course.

Say you got a guy working in your office,
you brought him in.

Nice guy, everybody loves him,
but he just doesn't have it.

He's a drain on the company.
What are you gonna do?

My granddaughter was not
a drain on your company.

My point is that I wasn't going to put
her in a position to become a drain.

Now, Richard, really,
we should get back out there.

What did you say to her?

- Richard--
- What did you say to her, Mitchum?

I did what I do with everyone.
I called it like I saw it.

I was honest with her. I don't pussyfoot.
You know that.

You crushed her.

And if she's got what it takes,
she'll bounce back.

No one's every criticized you,
reprimanded you, critiqued you?

I find that hard to believe.

This is not about me.

She was in over her head.

She lacked maturity.

She's not even 21!

Look, just blame me, okay?

I felt bad that she had to sit through that
disastrous dinner with Shira and pop

going on about marriage and how
she can't become a Huntzberger.

I don't care about any of that,
so I gave her a shot,
and she wasn't up to it.

You crushed that girl!

I did what I do.

We should have done this on the phone.

Richard, there you are.
This is one of your favorites,
and you're missing it.

It's all true, all of it.

What's true?

Everything she told us. Everything.

- Everything who told us?
- Lorelai--

About what Mitchum did to Rory,
how he said things to her,

crushed her, about Logan's whole family!

That can't be.

Mitchum just confirmed everything.

He told that girl she wasn't good enough.

I ought to punch him!

Richard, calm down. People will hear.

They don't want her marrying into
their precious family. They
don't think she's good enough.

He told her that she didn't have it.

And you know she does! I know she does!

Of course she does.

I can't stay in this room with these people.

Richard, go outside, get some air.

We should go home.

- I'll catch up with you. Go outside.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Emily!
- Hello, Shira.

I'm here to rescue you. I've got a table
for you and Mitchum right in the center.

Oh, bless you, Emily. I'm undeserving.

Nonsense. It was a terrible mistake,
and it must be rectified.

Aren't they amazing?

The whole combo is amazing. Follow me.

Me, I love the Beatles. Mitchum
took me to see Paul McCartney
last year, and I almost died.

So Richard tells me we have a little problem.

Really? With what?

With the kids-- Logan, Rory.

I understand you're not exactly
thrilled with the match,

that you let that be known to Rory at
the dinner she had at your house.

Oh, well, I wouldn't say "not thrilled."

Then what would you say?

Oh, Emily, this is a party.

I'm just curious.

This may not be the time and place, Emily.

Hello, you two, drop by our table later.

Let's make it the time and place.

Consider the discrepancies, Emily.

That's what's confusing me.

They both come from good families,
both have good values.

Money doesn't seem to be an issue.
We all have money.

Frankly, Emily, there's your money,
then there's our money.

Oh?

And our family has a lot of responsibilities
that come with that,

an image to maintain.

Ah yes. Let me tell you this,
Shira-- we are just as good as you are.

You don't think Rory is good enough for your
son, as if we don't know Logan's reputation.

We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime,

and you should extend the
same courtesy to Rory.

- Emily--
- Now let's talk about your money.

You were a two-bit gold digger,
fresh off the bus from Hicksville

when you met Mitchum at whatever bar
you happened to stumble into.

And what made Mitchum decide
to choose you to marry

amongst the pack of women he was bedding
at the time, I'll never know.

But hats off to you for bagging him.

He's still a playboy, you know?

Of course you know. That would explain

why your weight goes up and down
30 pounds every other month.

But that's your cross to bear.

But these are ugly realities.
No one needs to talk about them.

Those kids are staying together
for as long as they like.

You won't stop them.

Now, enjoy the event.

Diane, hello.

The Swing Dolls, everybody.

I'm Rory Gilmore,
the architect of this event.

Thank you.

And I'd like to take this moment to thank
some others for the outstanding
success this evening.

To Lacey Boscombe, my right hand,
my girl Friday,
I could not have done it without you.

To Glenda, Lance, the entire serving crew,
thank you...