Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 6, Episode 3 - The UnGraduate - full transcript
Sookie creates a S'mores wedding cake, so what more does Lorelai need to set a date? Logan comes home, Lane and the band come home and Paul Anka eats three pounds of chocolate while under Luke's care.
Hi. Let's get us a little breakfast.
Come on. Come, Paul Anka.
Breakfast!
Get it while it's room temperature
and nutrient-free.
Milk, cream and sugar's on the table.
Flo's got coffee. Who needs a jolt?
- I do.
- Okay.
Inspect the bagels closely
because the expiration date
was in Braille apparently
and either they're new
or from my baby shower.
I'm also sorry to report that
we are currently out of
the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts.
- Oh.
- Don't "oh" me.
You guys have been
playing favorites all week
and now it's time to pay the piper.
So someone be a man, suck it up
and start eating the Shredded Wheat.
- Oh, come on. Not again.
- Cowards.
Oh, hey!
Remember, people, only pet the dog
with your non-watch hand.
In case you don't remember,
watches cause him to freak out,
jump up on the counter
and kick my once-working toaster
across the room.
- Your muffins.
- My what?
You left me an urgent message
about needing muffins.
Oh, right. Muffins, boys.
- These were for them?
- Oh, no, they were for me.
I thought I'd try to eat my weight
in muffins today.
Does the dog have to sit in the chair
like that?
- Like what? His posture's perfect.
- You know, chairs are for people?
Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.
Dogs are filthy.
They have fleas and malaria on them.
You shouldn't have fleas and malaria
in the room
- that you're gonna eat in.
- I don't eat in here. They do.
You enjoying your free breakfast,
there, fellas?
Nice free coffee there, Craig?
Nice free muffin there, Benny?
Gee, Luke, I don't think they know
what you're getting at.
Okay, that's good. You done here?
'Cause Tom wants to talk to us.
All right, Norman, I'm gonna need you
to find me some cripple studs
for that bearing wall we're putting in,
'cause once that sucker's vertical,
we gotta be ready to nail in those joists.
Just keep doing what you're doing there
and then bring these tools up to Chick.
So, Steve. Later today
we're going to need to dig a footing drain
all around the perimeter,
about five feet deep.
That ought to keep the basement dry.
Hey, Chip.
- This house doesn't have a basement.
- No, it certainly does not.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
How long are you gonna let T.J. think
that he's the contractor?
To the very end, my friend.
This is stupid.
We have to tell him the truth.
No! Look how happy he is,
strutting around in his tool belt
and his shiny, silver helmet.
You know, he polishes that thing
every night after work?
- Really.
- Yes, really. With real silver polish.
That's what he thinks silver polish is for.
To polish anything that's silver.
I think that's adorable.
And the good news
is he's got terrible instincts.
But he combines that
with absolutely zero follow-through,
so it all works out in the end.
"Terrible instincts." "Zero follow-through."
All the qualities you want
in a good pretend contractor.
But we're paying T.J. a contractor's salary
to do a job that he's not actually doing.
And you're paying Tom an extra 10%
to pretend he's not doing a job
that T.J. thinks he's doing
but Tom is actually doing.
You should hire Blake Edwards
as your contractor.
Oh, no. T.J.'s playing
with the circular saw.
Oh, man.
Tom'll get to him
before he finds the on switch.
- We're going to tell him.
- Luke, he is your brother-in-law.
Just because Liz married him.
Yeah, but this makes him happy,
which makes Liz happy,
which will make you happy,
which will make me happy.
Well, just so you know,
I'm gonna oversee this entire thing.
Okay? I'm gonna make sure
T.J. doesn't blow the house up.
And I appreciate that.
Now, will you please go make the guys
an extra pot of coffee?
I'm gonna go to Babette's
and take a shower.
Why? Your shower's working.
Well, yeah, we just had a little incident
here yesterday.
What kind of an incident?
Nothing big.
Some of the guys saw me naked.
- What?
- It's no big thing.
How the hell did a couple of guys
see you naked?
Well, I was getting out of the shower
and Joe...
- Joe? Joe saw you naked?
- And Pete.
- Pete?
- Well, Pete was with Joe.
- And then Slim.
- Slim saw you naked?
Well, I could see him,
so I assume he could see me.
Billy had the best view.
Just a straight shot
right down Main Street.
- So four guys saw you naked?
- Well, if you don't count Teddy, then yes.
What in the hell were those guys
doing up there in the first place?
T.J. accidentally sent them up.
- I'm going to kill him.
- Luke, it was no big deal. Please.
We all laughed about it.
Look, from now on I'm showering
at Babette's, so show's over.
No one sees the goods but you. Okay?
- They're good.
- They're stale.
And the blueberries aren't even blue.
They're red.
- My God, these blueberries are red.
- They're raspberries.
Well, the box said they were blueberry.
It was printed right on the side.
Actually, I was in the kitchen,
and the box said...
She just kills me, that woman.
It really wasn't as provocative
as you think, Grandma.
"On my last visit to the office, I noticed
"the foliage on the right side
of the entrance looked a little peaked.
"We might want to let the gardener know.
Ta, ladies."
Again, it's not exactly Martin Luther
nailing the 95 Theses to a door.
It's implying that I have no control
over my hirelings at the DAR.
I'm the president.
The foliage on the right side of the door,
which looks fine, by the way,
is my responsibility.
This is a direct frontal assault
on my leadership.
The woman's plotting a coup.
- This is Constance, right?
- Constance Betterton.
Ever since the Mastersons'
Christmas party
when I mentioned that Constance's
husband sells used cars for a living,
which he does, he calls them pre-owned,
but they're used,
she's had it in for me.
She's going to run against me
in the next election.
You don't try to oust a president
of the DAR after one term.
- It's an insult.
- I think you will beat her handily.
Did I tell you she tried to push me
down the stairs once?
Look, Grandma, don't worry.
You have someone on the inside now.
- I do? Who?
- Me.
Yes.
I'll keep an eye on Constance from now on.
Let you know when she comes in,
when she uses the computer,
when she's inspecting the landscaping.
Well, that's wonderful!
But stay out of the stairwell.
Will do.
Raspberry. I like raspberry.
- Twist ties?
- Twist ties are over there.
Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules?
Oh, you're making me an optimist,
my friend.
- Rory?
- Liza.
- Rory.
- No, we agreed.
Not until the end of your shift.
But I don't think the patch works on me.
That is like a billion milligrams of nicotine.
- Is that bad?
- Just go sit by the cooler,
have some water and take those off.
- Problem?
- No, I just told her to get some water.
- She seems really dehydrated.
- Looks pretty good.
Yeah. I think we've hit
a really good rhythm here.
I paired up Rinaldi and Spiro,
which worked out very efficiently.
Sanderson got a little grumpy
towards the end of the day,
but it's just 'cause he wants to be noticed
and he is by far our best spearman.
Also, we need to remember to pack
a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow.
The McFarlane brothers
are using the trash pickup
to get out some of that
pent-up aggression,
which is psychologically healthy,
but hard on the equipment.
Got it. So, what's it looking like?
Well, our quota's up, the kids are tired.
I think it's time to call it a day.
- Do it.
- All right, everybody, let's bring it in!
Hey, a bunch of the girls are going out
for pizza, if you wanna come.
- I'll come.
- Are you a girl?
No.
I would, but I can't. I've got
a three-hour shift at the nursing home.
I can't believe how much
community service they stuck you with.
- What the hell'd you do?
- I shot a man in Reno.
Give it.
The truth is this is the first time in my life
that I've consistently spent the night
with a man.
I don't know the rules.
I mean, obviously,
the clothes have to come off
for the actual sex part of the evening,
but afterward,
what are you supposed to do?
I mean, nightgowns are obviously out,
but wearing nothing seems extreme.
And, in case of fire,
completely impractical.
Oh, sure.
I wore a camisole one night,
it almost strangled me.
And I'm definitely not a teddy girl.
So, what does that leave?
- T-shirts.
- But what does a T-shirt say about me?
- Well...
- More importantly,
what does it say to Doyle about me?
Sweetie, it's just a T-shirt.
They don't tend to be that chatty.
I don't know. Maybe I should reconsider
the completely naked option.
After all, I'm 21. If not now, when?
I mean, right now my ass is probably
as good as it's ever going to get.
I should exploit that, right?
Absolutely.
Buy a video camera and go to town.
- You know what? I'm starting to fade here.
- Oh, me, too.
Listen, it's been a terrific lunch.
I think I'll get another espresso.
Actually, we're out of espresso.
- You are?
- Yes.
We shut the machine down at 3:00
to give it a rest
'cause it's Italian,
so it's a little temperamental.
- Okay. Well, then I guess I should...
- Go? Really?
Okay, well, sweetie,
it's been a blast, again.
- Okay, so I guess I'll see you Tuesday?
- Yeah, Tuesday. Perfect, can't wait.
Okay.
Is she gone?
- Yes, she's gone.
- Thank God.
I can't believe you're in here,
hiding from a little girl.
Oh, yes, you can.
She has a tough exterior,
but on the inside Paris is...
- Tokyo Rose.
- She's lonely.
She does not have a lot of friends.
- No. Shocker.
- Sookie.
No. No "Sookie." She's horrible.
I mean, she sends everything back twice
and she makes the waiters write down
exactly what she wants me to know
is wrong with the food.
At least you're hidden in here.
I'm out there behind the desk,
exposed to all of her elements.
- Michel.
- She mocked my accent.
She called me Canadian.
It's enough already.
I won't cook for her anymore.
- Lunches.
- Twice a week for three weeks.
Yeah, creepy! The next thing you know
you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis
around on your shoulders.
We don't have time for this, Lorelai.
We have a wedding this week
and I've a got a menu to plan
and a cake to design.
I don't have time to map out
the fish patterns for my wild salmon.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry if she's bothering
you guys. I... What can I do?
I gave her my cell phone number,
I told her to call,
- I just didn't think she'd use it so often.
- Well, cut it off.
- I feel sorry for her.
- No one likes to be pitied.
Fine. I have to cut it off. I know. I will.
- Do you promise?
- I promise.
Good. Because I've got a lot of work to do,
and we've got a ton of planning to do
for this wedding next week,
and the menu's a mess and the cake...
I was thinking about doing
a red velvet cake, but I don't know.
And I'm using this wedding as a trial run,
so it has to be perfect.
- A trial run for what?
- For your wedding.
- Yeah. Which will be when?
- What?
- When?
- When what?
When will you be getting married?
I'm going to need a date.
Well, we haven't set one yet.
Well, I had Michel black out
all of July for next year.
- You what?
- I figured you and Luke
for an outdoorsy, summer wedding.
- Who and Luke?
- July 23 is my pick, but I am flexible.
Michel, un-black it out.
- I told you.
- "I told you" what?
I told her that
you were not getting married.
- I am getting married.
- You were right. You called it.
The woman can't commit to a purse,
much less a man.
- I am getting married.
- I am so naive. I believed.
Live and learn.
Hey! I am getting married. I am.
We will set a date
and we will get married on that date,
and I've had the same purse
for almost a year, thank you very much.
Of course. My mistake.
Now let me go cancel your wedding plans.
Those are not my wedding plans.
They are Sookie's wedding plans.
Well, fine then.
What are your wedding plans?
- They haven't been formalized yet.
- What does that mean?
Sookie, come on.
I got men running around my house,
a completely destroyed bedroom,
things are crazy right now.
When they calm down,
and Luke and I get a chance to breathe,
we will talk and set the date.
- Until then, can we drop it, please?
- Fine, it's dropped.
- She's back! She's coming back!
- No.
- Why?
- I don't know why.
Maybe she left her phone
or her spell book.
All I know is she's heading back
toward the inn
and I am not going out until she leaves.
Michel, you're being ridiculous.
You're a grown man
and you've a job to do.
So do you, and I don't see you rushing out.
Well, I can't, because I'm not done
with my coffee yet.
Good to the last drop.
Daughters of the American Revolution.
Mrs. Tarkinton.
Yes, I've got your application right here.
Sandra Tarkinton.
I guess we just need to make 100% sure
that you're related to a verifiable patriot,
because we couldn't substantiate it
on our end.
Well, see, that's the thing.
The fact that you found a musket
in your great uncle's attic
doesn't necessarily mean you're related
to a revolutionary war patriot.
Yeah.
Unfortunately,
even if your great-uncle Nate
swore on your aunt Kizzy's grave
that it was so.
It's documented genealogy,
preferably notarized.
Could you hold on for a moment?
Where's Julia?
Slinked to the back
after I tore down Constance's letter.
- Good, because I've got some gossip.
- My own little Valerie Plame.
- What's the news?
- Okay.
So I was at lunch with some of the girls,
and I started sniffing around,
just casually asking if anyone had
any funny stories about Constance.
You sly fox!
So, one of the girls tells me
that about three months ago,
she was in the office with Constance,
and as Constance
was heading out for lunch,
she stumbled and dropped her purse,
and her Altoids box popped open
spilling out enough funny-looking pills
to fill a pharmacy.
Constance claimed
that they were all vitamins.
Julia didn't buy it,
because the minute the pills spilled out,
Constance threw herself on top of them
to cover them up.
A cover-up. That's good.
That's what took Nixon down.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I love having a mole.
We should go buy you
a trench coat and a fedora.
I suggested to the girls that next week
we invite Constance to lunch.
Get a couple drinks in her
and see what comes up.
Who knew that behind such a sweet face
lurked the soul of spy?
I prefer the term
"Woman of Mystery and Intrigue."
Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Rory?
- Oh, hey, Paris.
- Hey, we need to talk. Is this a bad time?
No, no, now's a fine time. What's up?
Good. This hard-to-reach thing
was getting old.
I'm all ears, Paris.
I have to put down a security deposit
today by 5:00 or we lose the place.
- What place?
- Our place.
- Our place where?
- Our off-campus place.
You're hard-to-reach in a myriad of ways.
Paris, we don't have a place.
I'm not moving off campus with you.
- Why?
- Because, I no longer go to campus.
So you're sticking with this
"not going to Yale" thing of yours?
- Yes, I am.
- Is this about the boat?
How do you know about the boat?
Oh, come on, it's out there.
Out there? Why is it out there?
How is it out there?
I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog.
- You're kidding.
- Dead serious.
I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was
just about all the guys she has sex with
- and how much she hates her mother.
- That's true.
But the boat you guys stole
belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman,
whose son is Jason Zimmerman,
who Rebecca Thurston had sex with
on her father's boat last semester.
I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere.
Hey, see for yourself.
Just google Rory Gilmore Sexboat.
Oh, my God.
Is it true you and Logan tried to outrace
the Connecticut Coast Guard?
Rent the apartment, Paris.
I'm not coming back to Yale.
You know, you've put me
in a very difficult position.
Now what if I end up renting the room
to a rapist or a serial killer?
I told you over two months ago
that I was not coming back.
And besides, I think Yale is pretty good
about screening for rapists
and serial killers.
There was no sense of finality
in our last conversation.
There was a total sense of finality.
Well, you can believe that if you want to,
but if I end up on the front page
of the Hartford Courier BTK'ed to death,
you'll know why.
Goodbye, Paris.
Okay, guys.
Now let me just get his character here.
Any loincloths?
Clint, stop looking at me like that.
Hello?
I will find you!
No matter how long, no matter how far,
I will find you!
- What the hell's going on here?
- Hey, Luke.
Hi. I'm just doing my Daniel Day-Lewis
retrospective for the guys.
You should see her rendition
of My Left Foot.
Yeah, I've seen it, thanks.
No, this time, I did it with my right foot.
Totally different.
Here, I'll show you.
Pete, hand me the paintbrush.
That's okay. I'm good.
You know, there's a bunch of
open paint cans sitting out on the porch.
Yeah, they'll get to it.
We just didn't want the pizza to get cold.
Hey, check out this new trick
we just taught Paul Anka.
Hey, Paul Anka. Pizza.
Pizza! Pizza!
Salad!
Good boy, good boy.
Oh, shoot. I'm out of treats.
I'll be right back.
Hey, you know those guys
are here to work.
You don't have to put a USO show
on for them.
I know. I just want them
to have a good time.
Half of them have seen you naked.
How much better a time can they have?
- He's jealous of my popularity, Tom.
- Sure. I get that.
Tom, do other clients feed their
construction crews breakfast and lunch
and buy them pizza and beer?
- Nope.
- See?
Of course, the naked thing's
been done to death.
All right, Tom, we're outie.
Anything we need to discuss
before we go?
Nope. We talked about everything
but the kitchen.
- What about the kitchen?
- Well, do we want to make it bigger?
Why would we want to make it bigger?
Well, you might want a nice double oven,
or a sub-zero freezer.
There's room enough for an island
and a cooking station with some stools
around it for entertaining.
You know, for dinner parties.
Or maybe you wanna cook a big
holiday dinner, Thanksgiving or Christmas.
- The strange man is scaring me.
- I think the kitchen's fine, Tom.
Okay, everybody can relax because
your trusty contractor has returned.
Boy, what a trip. Traffic was terrible.
It took me an entire day.
- Here you go, Tom. The Mystic Hammer.
- Thank you, T.J.
I gotta tell you,
I don't see what's so special about it.
It looks an awful lot like every other
hammer we got lying around here.
Well, that's the beauty
of the Mystic Hammer, T.J.
It looks the same,
but it's completely different.
Tom, make sure those cans
are cleaned up out there, okay?
Oh, my God, with the paint cans already.
- I almost tripped over the cans.
- Don't worry, Luke, I'll take care of it.
Hey, did you guys know
there was a room back here?
Boy, yeah, look at this, a whole room.
What a find.
- T.J.
- Boy, if you knocked out this wall here,
opened up this room,
you would have a huge kitchen.
Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, T.J.
Well, then you could turn it
into a weight room.
Or a workshop.
Or, hey, a pork smoker room.
My uncle had a pork smoker room.
Big sides of pork
hanging all over the place.
We called it the Dead Pig Room.
T.J., why don't you go out there
and tell the guys they can go home?
It's not that big a job.
I could have it up
and running for you in a week.
All I gotta do is drive over to Boston
for one of those special sledgehammers
Tom was telling me about,
get a pig, and in about 10 minutes...
Just leave the room alone, okay!
Just... It's fine. Leave it alone. Let's go.
Is she Jewish or something?
- Yeah! Massachusetts, we love you!
- We love you, man!
We'd like to give some shout-outs
before we go,
first and foremost, to Pastor Tim.
Yeah, Pastor Tim!
Thanks for letting us rock the gym here
at Whitfield Seventh-Day
Adventist Church.
Got into some very heavy talk
with the Pastor about my soul
and Ecclesiastes and stuff
after sound check,
and I gotta say, if Christ comes back
in fulfillment of prophecy,
he's going to be hooking up with you first,
dude, 'cause you are awesome.
We would like to also thank
the decoration committee
- for making the A/V room look so cool.
- Yeah!
I've played the Whiskey before, man,
and it's got a similar vibe. It does.
But most important, we'd like to thank
all of you for coming out to see us
and letting us into your homes
and making us feel so welcome.
- We gotta go.
- We are going home, people.
There's some T-shirts and stuff for sale
on the table over there.
We are Zach, Gil, Brian and Lane,
and we are Hep Alien
and we are out of here!
- We were so on, man.
- We were beyond on. We were...
- Cool.
- Watch it, Lane. The Pastor's still hanging.
- We were as tight as the Foo Fighters.
- Tighter.
Listen, if that pretentious little snot
in Coldplay can walk around
comparing himself to Bono,
we can compare ourselves
to the Foo Fighters.
I'm exhausted but exhilarated, you know?
I'm not gonna sleep for months.
Oh, cool, there's people buying T-shirts.
We can get some food tonight.
Just leave money for gas.
We'll have money for gas, guys,
don't worry.
Let's just drink this in.
The last night of our first tour.
- I can't believe it's over.
- I can't believe we survived.
You got it, Pastor Tim.
We gotta break it down, guys.
They want to start setting up
for Bible study tomorrow,
and they need the stage
for their big crucifix.
Okay. Here we go!
Wow, what is that
and where can I get one?
That is my dark chocolate s'mores
wedding cake.
You've been reading my diary.
I got the idea in a dream.
I was back in cooking school
and late for my final,
and I run over to an oven and I open it
and sitting there
is the s'mores wedding cake.
And I present it to my teacher.
He starts weeping,
and the whole class
is applauding and cheering.
- That's so nice.
- Yeah.
And then, of course,
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
come leaping out of the cake,
screaming about how amazing it is.
So that made the whole thing
a little creepy, but up until then...
Look, you've got a marshmallow
bride and groom on the top.
- You think they'll like it?
- I do.
You think you'll like it?
- Look, Captain Ahab.
- Come on. Set the date.
- I will.
- Is there something you're not telling me?
Because agreeing to marry somebody
is just as big a commitment
as actually marrying them.
So don't think it's not.
I am committed.
- And you should be, so...
- This isn't a joking matter, missy.
I want your wedding to be perfect
or I want nothing to do with it.
Oh, really? Wow, that might be a problem,
because I was really hoping for one
of those disastrous weddings
where we lose both rings
minutes before the ceremony,
and I get a nosebleed
as I'm walking down the aisle,
and then later, at the reception,
Luke is found in the coat checkroom
Jude Law-ing it
with one of the bridesmaids.
Hey, I just received a call
that the wedding party
will not be getting in until midnight,
and someone will need to be here
to greet them.
I would do it, but I don't want to.
- All right. I'll do it.
- Very well, I'll leave the...
- Wait, do you feel that?
- Feel what?
An icy chill.
As if something sinister is approaching.
What?
Gee, Michel, is Paris here?
Maybe she was coming up the walk
when I fled.
- Where are you going?
- In the opposite direction.
Paris? Paris is here?
Oh, I get the humming now.
- What is she doing here?
- We're having lunch.
Really? Ordering pizza, are you?
No. Sookie. I'm breaking up with her
today, all right?
I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off.
Grilled chicken and fries.
That is all I'm making.
Thank you.
Go, go hurry up. Come on, move! Move it.
Go. Let's go. Come on. Hurry.
Apparently the eagle has landed.
Paris. Hi, good to see you.
You look good, something different?
I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself
at the service station.
- Well, that must be it.
- Come on, let's sit.
Sorry I'm late.
I was interviewing roommates.
And all I can say is, build an ark,
'cause it is seriously time for a flood.
Oh, well, you want some iced tea?
I mean, forget the concept of intelligence
or even the simple act
of carrying on a conversation,
these people can't type a reference sheet.
I mean, they all have questionable morals,
a complete distrust of soap products...
In the glass, out of the glass,
- it's all just semantics to you, right?
- It's okay.
Well, I'm sure you'll find someone.
You just have to keep looking.
I guess. It's just classes start next week
- and things are already getting crazy.
- Yeah.
- Boy, you sound really busy, Paris.
- I am.
You know, I feel a little bad
dragging you all the way out here
when you have so much on your plate.
I mean, talk about self-centered, huh?
Think about someone else for a change,
Lorelai.
Oh. That's okay.
You know, I'll be totally fine
if you need to cut back on our lunches.
- Cut back?
- Cut back, cut out.
Whatever you need is fine with me.
You know, this all sucks.
I wouldn't even be in this position
if it weren't for Rory.
She was supposed to room with me.
It was all planned out.
I even called her yesterday and gave her
one more chance to change her mind.
- But no.
- You talked to Rory yesterday?
Yeah. I called her at the office.
- Office? What office?
- Her office.
- She has an office? What is she doing?
- I don't know. Her job.
What job?
Some job in an office
with her grandmother.
Well, her grandmother
does not have an office.
Well, that's where I called her.
This makes no sense to me at all.
What did it sound like?
- An office.
- Yes, I know an office,
but were there specific office sounds?
- I think I heard a fax machine.
- A fax machine?
- Are you sure it was a fax machine?
- Pretty sure.
Well, were there people talking?
Or traffic? Did you hear traffic?
'Cause that could give us a location.
The city, the county or... What?
So that's what this is all about.
You're just using me to get to Rory.
Oh, Paris.
You're pumping me full of espresso
and pumping me for information.
No, that is not true. I'm not pumping.
No pumping. We're completely pump free.
I'm so stupid. I mean, why else would you
want to have biweekly lunches with me?
There are many, many reasons.
And they will come to me,
just in a second.
I'm blind. I walk blindly through life.
- No, now, you're not blind.
- I'll leave. I'll go right now.
Oh, Paris, please. I'm sorry.
You mentioned Rory
and a thing went off in my brain.
It's just a mother thing, but I love
our lunches. I really do. Please stay.
- Are you sure? Because I could just...
- Yes, I'm completely positive.
Everything's good.
Now won't you sit down?
How does chicken sound? Okay?
Okay. If it's not too dry.
Okay.
The service here sucks.
Very smooth, Mr. Hollister.
That was the Suzie Q
right into the Shorty George.
I thought it looked familiar.
And after this song,
I'll take you for a twirl.
Oh, I hope I can keep up.
Watch those hands, Mr. Fink.
I'm on it.
You know, I can get this
for you guys on CD.
Oh, now, come on. It wasn't that funny.
Oh, my God. Hey, stranger.
Hello to you.
Watch those hands, Miss Gilmore.
Touché, Mr. Fink.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I was in Copenhagen this morning,
and then I remembered
I have a 4:00 mambo class.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
How was Europe?
- Same as it was last year.
- What did you do?
Long, embarrassing story.
I'll tell you later.
Okay. Oh, wait, hold on.
Okay, everyone,
it is time for cake and punch.
It's only a 15-minute break,
and then it's back to the dance floor.
- So you're Arthur Murray now?
- No. I don't have that much training.
No, their dance teacher has
an inner-ear infection. I'm just filling in.
My job is to make sure nobody falls down.
And what if somebody does?
That's what the panic button is for.
So, when does this crazy
rock 'n' roll party wrap up?
Another 45 minutes.
But if you get yourself some
cake and punch, it'll only seem like 40.
- I missed you.
- That was my plan.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I missed this.
- Me, too.
Oh, so you, Colin and Finn
didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe?
No. Mostly just handholding.
So, is there any official record of this trip
or was all evidence
confiscated at the airport?
- I got pictures.
- Yeah?
- Can I see?
- Hand me that.
Now, you realize if I show you mine,
you have to show me yours.
You saw mine
about five minutes ago, mister.
I hate it when you work blue.
Okay. Here's Colin sleeping on the train.
And, here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up
Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train.
- Very mature.
- We try.
- This is Gloucestershire, England.
- It's pretty.
Where we attended the famous
Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling Festival,
a time-honored tradition
where fine, brave men such as myself,
climb to the top of the hill
with a large wheel of cheese,
and then proceed to push it and
run after it as it rolls all the way down.
Shut up.
Why would you commit that to film?
That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn
and that is the cheese.
So, if you beat your cheese
to the bottom of the hill,
are you disqualified or do you win?
There are no winners or losers in the
Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling Festival.
Well, there certainly aren't any winners.
Tell me about it.
- Who's that?
- Now that's the love of Colin's life.
Colin fell in love?
Yeah, he met her in Holland.
She doesn't speak a word of English,
so she has no idea
how incredibly annoying she finds him.
- What's with the outfit?
- She's a milkmaid.
- Stop.
- She has cows. She has pails.
- Colin fell in love with a milkmaid?
- It's pretty serious, too.
He ditched us
and followed her to Amsterdam
where they've been holed up ever since.
We haven't heard a word from him.
I mean, we assume he's gonna be back
by the time...
By the time, what?
By the time the cows come home? What?
By the time school starts?
What? What's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Logan, you can mention school to me.
I don't wanna bum you out.
Logan, that is ridiculous. I am fine.
I mean, look.
Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life,
but I've moved on.
I have my work. I have my new pad.
I'm just really happy
with where I am right now.
Really?
Logan, you don't have to feel weird
about this.
You go to Yale. Your friends go to Yale.
How can we not talk about Yale?
- I don't know.
- Exactly.
So we both agree that the topic of Yale
can never be off-limits.
Okay, fine. Well, if you're so cool with it,
then why don't you come meet me
at Yale tomorrow
and I can show you my new apartment
and maybe take you to lunch.
I can't tomorrow, because I have
my DAR induction luncheon.
- Well, then, how about breakfast?
- Breakfast sounds good.
I have to say, Ace, I like the new digs.
Yeah, it's really nice, huh?
- You haven't even seen the bedroom yet.
- Oh, wow.
- What?
- Okay, fine.
But don't think
this is going to work a second time.
No, Logan. I didn't mean...
No, I seriously meant
that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet.
You're making me feel cheap, Ace.
Logan. I swear, I wasn't working blue.
- Come on, let's go.
- Martha's thirsty, guys.
- I hate that he named the van.
- I think it's cute.
- Hey, you're not pumping premium, right?
- It's the cheap stuff, bro, don't worry.
Yeah, well, you said that before
and you pumped premium
and it meant no snack stop in Philadelphia.
What, Gil?
Well, I was just watching the numbers
spin by on the gas pump dial thingy here,
getting bigger and bigger,
and I was thinking,
what if that was counting all the people in
the world who are, like, dying, you know?
So it's all these dead dudes spinning by.
Every day with him
is like being on Meet the Press.
- I can't feel my legs.
- Well, move around a little.
Your amp's on my foot.
Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian.
My guitar case is jammed
against my thigh.
I got a cymbal stand
sticking in my pancreas.
Guys, we're an hour out of Stars Hollow.
Hang in there.
God, the smell of that gas
is making me hungry.
- Gil, hurry.
- I'm coming.
All right.
That's the last of the gas money,
so this better get us home.
Everybody, lean forward.
Gil, where'd you put the map?
- You're okay to drive, right?
- Yeah, sure, I'm just...
Dude, don't do that thing
where you don't finish your sentences.
- It freaks me out.
- I'll try, I'm just...
- Come on.
- I guess I'm just weak from hunger.
The guy I got gas from?
I was talking to him
and he suddenly turned
into a giant turkey leg.
Please don't mention food.
Let's think good thoughts here, guys.
Picture yourself at home, okay?
Home at last.
What's the first thing you're going to do?
- Eat.
- Wash my hair.
Hug the kids. Set them up
in front of a Harry Potter movie
and then do my wife for like an hour.
Look, guys, I've got an announcement.
Kind of in my capacity as band manager,
and I think it's gonna cheer you up.
- A lot.
- What?
Well, as you know,
each gig paid us a little something
and we stayed free at people's houses
along the way,
and we sold a decent amount of T-shirts.
So, besides food,
which we consumed in moderation,
there were days
that we spent practically nothing.
- Yeah?
- Well,
I wanted us to come out of this tour
with something.
So I figured the best way
to motivate us to save
would be to fib a little
on how much we had.
- You fibbed a little?
- Actually, a lot.
But it paid off big, guys,
because we're going home
with over $9,000.
$9,000. American dollars.
Why aren't you guys
jumping up and down?
Besides the fact that my spinal cord
severed somewhere back on the 95?
And that we haven't eaten a full meal
in over two months?
I thought we were broke.
See? See how it worked?
And now we're reaping the rewards.
- Lane, we were starving.
- We've scrimped on everything.
I've stopped brushing my teeth
because I couldn't buy toothpaste.
I've been washing my hair with bar soap.
But think about what we can do
with the money. We can record.
Make a CD.
Nirvana made Bleach for $600.
Even factoring in inflation,
if we're on our game,
we could make Bleach 10 times over.
- Our own Bleach.
- It would be very cool to record.
- Very cool.
- I think...
Dude. Come on,
you gotta finish that sentence.
- I can't talk and drive.
- Then just drive, Gil.
Thirty miles, 30 miles to home.
Talking about how pretty I am again?
Oh, get a new subject, boys.
What are you doing home?
Well, I have to be at the inn late tonight
so I thought I'd come feed Paul Anka,
take him for a little walk,
work out our crosswalk issues.
- Well, Tom here was just...
- It's not my fault.
I wasn't gonna say it was your fault.
Well, you've got "it's Tom's fault" tone
in your voice.
He's gotta shut your water off
for a couple of days.
We hit a pipe that shouldn't have been hit.
- Tom!
- See how fast the "it's Tom's fault"
- tone has spread.
- Yeah.
- You can stay with me.
- Okay. Well, I gotta get back to work.
- That wedding party's coming in tonight.
- No, I'll gather up some of your stuff.
Last time you gathered up
some of my stuff
you accidentally brought me
four bras and no pants.
- That could've been intentional.
- I will get my own stuff, thank you.
Now I just have to figure out
what to do with Paul Anka.
You know, I've never left him alone
so late before
and he might start doing that howling
thing the neighbors are so fond of.
But... Oh, that's okay.
So... Oh, you know,
I guess I could just leave him here,
and I can come back
and get him after work,
which would be 2:00, 3:00,
4:00 in the morning. Boy, late.
Or I could drop him off at a kennel
for a few hours.
I know there's a good one in Woodbridge,
20 miles away.
Of course I'd have to leave now and
pick up some dilithium crystals on the way
to fix the warp drive in my Jeep
so that I could drive there
and back in time
to meet the wedding party back at the inn,
but that's doable.
Yeah. And then of course by the time I get
off work and drive all the way back there,
the kennel will definitely be closed,
so I'd have to break in,
and that would set off
some kind of security system,
and then I'd be arrested, and so I should
probably put a nail file in my shoe
and how much longer
are you going to make me do this?
I just wanted to see how long you'd go on.
Well, you know my babbling capabilities
are infinite.
I'll take the dog home with me, and points
for the dilithium crystal reference.
Well, when you sleep with geeks...
Hey.
I just talked to my buddy Tony Benzino,
who's a contractor over in Hartford,
and he says contractors
don't fetch lunches for the crew.
They do, however,
get to answer the phone,
and they do get to sign for things,
and order things, and, Tom!
There is no such thing
as a Mystic Hammer.
And after this
very enlightening conversation,
- you know what I'm starting to think?
- What?
I'm starting to think that
I'm not really the contractor on this job.
- Look, T.J...
- It's okay, Luke.
I got this. T.J.
We did this for your own good.
We got you out of the house, you got paid,
you didn't get hurt. Look at it that way.
Oh, yeah? Is that the way
I'm supposed to look at it?
Well, fine.
You can keep
your stupid phony contracting job.
I'm through playing your patsy.
I'm through running your errands.
Hold on, that's no mayo.
Here, Ed.
I'm done! I quit!
You can all kiss any part of me
that reaches your general vicinity first.
You have seen the last of me.
So arrivederci, Roma.
And to repay you all for this lousy trick
that you played on me,
you can all reach in here
and grab your own damn condiments.
That's dinner.
- Hit me.
- That's your fourth milkshake, T.J.
Doesn't matter, Luke. It's not like
I got anywhere to go tomorrow.
So you're not a contractor.
Who cares? Neither am I.
- You don't see me crying about it.
- I'm not crying about it.
- Anymore.
- It's not your thing.
Yeah, it's not my thing.
I don't have a thing.
I have nothing.
You've got Liz. You've got your health.
I've got no dream. I've got no future.
What are you talking about,
you've got no future?
Did you or did you not
build these shelves?
- I did.
- Those are great shelves, T.J.
- Stop it.
- They are.
There's some real craftsmanship
that went into those shelves.
Well made,
you've got some nice carved detail.
That's a quality piece of merchandise
and you made it.
Yeah, so?
So you should be proud of that.
Not everybody can do that.
So you're not a contractor.
You're a craftsman.
Wow. I'm a craftsman. Like Jesus.
He built stuff for a while.
Yeah, you're exactly like Jesus.
That was my point.
Yeah. What am I getting so mopey about?
I mean, I build shelves.
I'm a craftsman
who builds shelves like Jesus.
And, plus, my day rate
has just gone way up.
Yeah, but T.J., that was a contractor's rate
you were being paid,
- not a shelfmaker's rate.
- Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor.
I know but that was...
Have a good night, T.J.
Hey, just lying there, what a surprise.
Make sure you grind that smelly butt
of yours into the rug real good,
get that aroma really locked
in those fibers there.
Oh, man.
Wow, you are fun to have around.
Oh, no.
Oh, crap. Oh, God.
Tell me you didn't, tell me you didn't.
Here we go.
Oh, jeez.
Come on, hey, wake up!
I've got a dog out here!
- Can I help you?
- Yeah. The dog ate chocolate.
And I don't know a lot about dogs,
but I do know
they shouldn't eat chocolate.
I went to the animal hospital,
they were closed
and I called Babette
and she told me where you lived.
And you gotta do something
because this is not my dog.
This is my fiancée's dog.
She loves him. She named him Paul Anka
which may on the surface
not seem like a sign of love,
but if you knew her you'd get it.
And believe me, there's a lot of ways
that I can screw up this relationship
but I cannot lose her
over the fact that I killed her dog.
I'll get the ipecac. Come on in.
So I told the guy,
"Hey, there is no way
all these potatoes could've been peeled
"if I had waltzed in here at 12:00."
He simply refused to believe me
or credit me with the hours,
so finally I just said,
"You know what? There is
another soup kitchen down on Hadley
"and they serve more vegetables
than you do.
"So I would rather work there anyhow."
And I turned in my apron and I walked out.
Wow. Rough world,
the world of community service.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
I've done 125 hours. So I've got 175 to go,
which is a little off my goal,
but not by much, so I can deal.
I've got the candy striper thing
starting next week.
I didn't really want that,
but I had to take it
because I was supposed to get on
the zoo beat, which would've been gross
but great 'cause they'll let you do
double shifts,
but they are always full.
- Weird, huh?
- Very weird.
- I'm boring you.
- Far from it. I just have to go.
I have to meet with my faculty advisor
and convince her
that this is the year I'm finally gonna make
something of myself.
Well, don't tell her about the cheese
rolling incident. She'll never believe you.
- You want a walk back to your car?
- No. I think I can make it by myself.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Call you later?
- Okay.
Hey.
Hey. Sorry.
I didn't mean to wake you.
Go back to sleep.
No, it's okay. I like to watch you hydrate.
Oh, man.
When'd you get home?
I didn't hear you come in.
- Yeah, you were conked out pretty good.
- Oh, yeah.
- Both of you.
- Yeah.
How did it go with Paul Anka last night?
Well, first off he ate three pounds
of unsweetened baking chocolate,
so I had to rush him to the vet.
To his house,
because the animal hospital was closed.
And he forced some sort of vomit-inducing
medicine down Paul Anka's throat.
And then Paul Anka proceeded
to throw up for the next hour and a half.
After that, I sat with him
for another three hours
holding a bowl of water under his nose
to make sure that
he was re-hydrating properly.
And then I chocolate-proofed
the apartment and the diner
to make sure that never happens again.
And now I'm gonna go downstairs
and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs
because the vet said that the kibble
is gonna be a little hard on his stomach
for a couple days. Does he have
any particular fear of cheddar?
'Cause I thought I'd throw that in
to make it taste better.
- Luke?
- Yeah?
I don't wanna set a wedding date
until things are right with Rory.
Okay.
- So the cheddar is...
- Okay.
The dining hall hours are cast in stone.
You snooze, you lose.
And your school issued IDs
are your new best friends.
Become inseparable.
You'll be asked for it constantly,
so give it a nickname and learn to commit.
It operates the laundry room.
It is your meal card.
Every new student at Yale
will learn the value of the ID.
Every new member of the DAR
will feel instantly
the sense of camaraderie
that has become synonymous
with the DAR.
As certified members
of the Hartford Chapter
of the
Daughters of the American Revolution,
you will hold a very special
and esteemed place in this community.
But with that great esteem,
comes great responsibility.
To your chapter,
to your town and to your nation.
This is a proud moment for me,
Come on. Come, Paul Anka.
Breakfast!
Get it while it's room temperature
and nutrient-free.
Milk, cream and sugar's on the table.
Flo's got coffee. Who needs a jolt?
- I do.
- Okay.
Inspect the bagels closely
because the expiration date
was in Braille apparently
and either they're new
or from my baby shower.
I'm also sorry to report that
we are currently out of
the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts.
- Oh.
- Don't "oh" me.
You guys have been
playing favorites all week
and now it's time to pay the piper.
So someone be a man, suck it up
and start eating the Shredded Wheat.
- Oh, come on. Not again.
- Cowards.
Oh, hey!
Remember, people, only pet the dog
with your non-watch hand.
In case you don't remember,
watches cause him to freak out,
jump up on the counter
and kick my once-working toaster
across the room.
- Your muffins.
- My what?
You left me an urgent message
about needing muffins.
Oh, right. Muffins, boys.
- These were for them?
- Oh, no, they were for me.
I thought I'd try to eat my weight
in muffins today.
Does the dog have to sit in the chair
like that?
- Like what? His posture's perfect.
- You know, chairs are for people?
Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.
Dogs are filthy.
They have fleas and malaria on them.
You shouldn't have fleas and malaria
in the room
- that you're gonna eat in.
- I don't eat in here. They do.
You enjoying your free breakfast,
there, fellas?
Nice free coffee there, Craig?
Nice free muffin there, Benny?
Gee, Luke, I don't think they know
what you're getting at.
Okay, that's good. You done here?
'Cause Tom wants to talk to us.
All right, Norman, I'm gonna need you
to find me some cripple studs
for that bearing wall we're putting in,
'cause once that sucker's vertical,
we gotta be ready to nail in those joists.
Just keep doing what you're doing there
and then bring these tools up to Chick.
So, Steve. Later today
we're going to need to dig a footing drain
all around the perimeter,
about five feet deep.
That ought to keep the basement dry.
Hey, Chip.
- This house doesn't have a basement.
- No, it certainly does not.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
How long are you gonna let T.J. think
that he's the contractor?
To the very end, my friend.
This is stupid.
We have to tell him the truth.
No! Look how happy he is,
strutting around in his tool belt
and his shiny, silver helmet.
You know, he polishes that thing
every night after work?
- Really.
- Yes, really. With real silver polish.
That's what he thinks silver polish is for.
To polish anything that's silver.
I think that's adorable.
And the good news
is he's got terrible instincts.
But he combines that
with absolutely zero follow-through,
so it all works out in the end.
"Terrible instincts." "Zero follow-through."
All the qualities you want
in a good pretend contractor.
But we're paying T.J. a contractor's salary
to do a job that he's not actually doing.
And you're paying Tom an extra 10%
to pretend he's not doing a job
that T.J. thinks he's doing
but Tom is actually doing.
You should hire Blake Edwards
as your contractor.
Oh, no. T.J.'s playing
with the circular saw.
Oh, man.
Tom'll get to him
before he finds the on switch.
- We're going to tell him.
- Luke, he is your brother-in-law.
Just because Liz married him.
Yeah, but this makes him happy,
which makes Liz happy,
which will make you happy,
which will make me happy.
Well, just so you know,
I'm gonna oversee this entire thing.
Okay? I'm gonna make sure
T.J. doesn't blow the house up.
And I appreciate that.
Now, will you please go make the guys
an extra pot of coffee?
I'm gonna go to Babette's
and take a shower.
Why? Your shower's working.
Well, yeah, we just had a little incident
here yesterday.
What kind of an incident?
Nothing big.
Some of the guys saw me naked.
- What?
- It's no big thing.
How the hell did a couple of guys
see you naked?
Well, I was getting out of the shower
and Joe...
- Joe? Joe saw you naked?
- And Pete.
- Pete?
- Well, Pete was with Joe.
- And then Slim.
- Slim saw you naked?
Well, I could see him,
so I assume he could see me.
Billy had the best view.
Just a straight shot
right down Main Street.
- So four guys saw you naked?
- Well, if you don't count Teddy, then yes.
What in the hell were those guys
doing up there in the first place?
T.J. accidentally sent them up.
- I'm going to kill him.
- Luke, it was no big deal. Please.
We all laughed about it.
Look, from now on I'm showering
at Babette's, so show's over.
No one sees the goods but you. Okay?
- They're good.
- They're stale.
And the blueberries aren't even blue.
They're red.
- My God, these blueberries are red.
- They're raspberries.
Well, the box said they were blueberry.
It was printed right on the side.
Actually, I was in the kitchen,
and the box said...
She just kills me, that woman.
It really wasn't as provocative
as you think, Grandma.
"On my last visit to the office, I noticed
"the foliage on the right side
of the entrance looked a little peaked.
"We might want to let the gardener know.
Ta, ladies."
Again, it's not exactly Martin Luther
nailing the 95 Theses to a door.
It's implying that I have no control
over my hirelings at the DAR.
I'm the president.
The foliage on the right side of the door,
which looks fine, by the way,
is my responsibility.
This is a direct frontal assault
on my leadership.
The woman's plotting a coup.
- This is Constance, right?
- Constance Betterton.
Ever since the Mastersons'
Christmas party
when I mentioned that Constance's
husband sells used cars for a living,
which he does, he calls them pre-owned,
but they're used,
she's had it in for me.
She's going to run against me
in the next election.
You don't try to oust a president
of the DAR after one term.
- It's an insult.
- I think you will beat her handily.
Did I tell you she tried to push me
down the stairs once?
Look, Grandma, don't worry.
You have someone on the inside now.
- I do? Who?
- Me.
Yes.
I'll keep an eye on Constance from now on.
Let you know when she comes in,
when she uses the computer,
when she's inspecting the landscaping.
Well, that's wonderful!
But stay out of the stairwell.
Will do.
Raspberry. I like raspberry.
- Twist ties?
- Twist ties are over there.
Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules?
Oh, you're making me an optimist,
my friend.
- Rory?
- Liza.
- Rory.
- No, we agreed.
Not until the end of your shift.
But I don't think the patch works on me.
That is like a billion milligrams of nicotine.
- Is that bad?
- Just go sit by the cooler,
have some water and take those off.
- Problem?
- No, I just told her to get some water.
- She seems really dehydrated.
- Looks pretty good.
Yeah. I think we've hit
a really good rhythm here.
I paired up Rinaldi and Spiro,
which worked out very efficiently.
Sanderson got a little grumpy
towards the end of the day,
but it's just 'cause he wants to be noticed
and he is by far our best spearman.
Also, we need to remember to pack
a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow.
The McFarlane brothers
are using the trash pickup
to get out some of that
pent-up aggression,
which is psychologically healthy,
but hard on the equipment.
Got it. So, what's it looking like?
Well, our quota's up, the kids are tired.
I think it's time to call it a day.
- Do it.
- All right, everybody, let's bring it in!
Hey, a bunch of the girls are going out
for pizza, if you wanna come.
- I'll come.
- Are you a girl?
No.
I would, but I can't. I've got
a three-hour shift at the nursing home.
I can't believe how much
community service they stuck you with.
- What the hell'd you do?
- I shot a man in Reno.
Give it.
The truth is this is the first time in my life
that I've consistently spent the night
with a man.
I don't know the rules.
I mean, obviously,
the clothes have to come off
for the actual sex part of the evening,
but afterward,
what are you supposed to do?
I mean, nightgowns are obviously out,
but wearing nothing seems extreme.
And, in case of fire,
completely impractical.
Oh, sure.
I wore a camisole one night,
it almost strangled me.
And I'm definitely not a teddy girl.
So, what does that leave?
- T-shirts.
- But what does a T-shirt say about me?
- Well...
- More importantly,
what does it say to Doyle about me?
Sweetie, it's just a T-shirt.
They don't tend to be that chatty.
I don't know. Maybe I should reconsider
the completely naked option.
After all, I'm 21. If not now, when?
I mean, right now my ass is probably
as good as it's ever going to get.
I should exploit that, right?
Absolutely.
Buy a video camera and go to town.
- You know what? I'm starting to fade here.
- Oh, me, too.
Listen, it's been a terrific lunch.
I think I'll get another espresso.
Actually, we're out of espresso.
- You are?
- Yes.
We shut the machine down at 3:00
to give it a rest
'cause it's Italian,
so it's a little temperamental.
- Okay. Well, then I guess I should...
- Go? Really?
Okay, well, sweetie,
it's been a blast, again.
- Okay, so I guess I'll see you Tuesday?
- Yeah, Tuesday. Perfect, can't wait.
Okay.
Is she gone?
- Yes, she's gone.
- Thank God.
I can't believe you're in here,
hiding from a little girl.
Oh, yes, you can.
She has a tough exterior,
but on the inside Paris is...
- Tokyo Rose.
- She's lonely.
She does not have a lot of friends.
- No. Shocker.
- Sookie.
No. No "Sookie." She's horrible.
I mean, she sends everything back twice
and she makes the waiters write down
exactly what she wants me to know
is wrong with the food.
At least you're hidden in here.
I'm out there behind the desk,
exposed to all of her elements.
- Michel.
- She mocked my accent.
She called me Canadian.
It's enough already.
I won't cook for her anymore.
- Lunches.
- Twice a week for three weeks.
Yeah, creepy! The next thing you know
you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis
around on your shoulders.
We don't have time for this, Lorelai.
We have a wedding this week
and I've a got a menu to plan
and a cake to design.
I don't have time to map out
the fish patterns for my wild salmon.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry if she's bothering
you guys. I... What can I do?
I gave her my cell phone number,
I told her to call,
- I just didn't think she'd use it so often.
- Well, cut it off.
- I feel sorry for her.
- No one likes to be pitied.
Fine. I have to cut it off. I know. I will.
- Do you promise?
- I promise.
Good. Because I've got a lot of work to do,
and we've got a ton of planning to do
for this wedding next week,
and the menu's a mess and the cake...
I was thinking about doing
a red velvet cake, but I don't know.
And I'm using this wedding as a trial run,
so it has to be perfect.
- A trial run for what?
- For your wedding.
- Yeah. Which will be when?
- What?
- When?
- When what?
When will you be getting married?
I'm going to need a date.
Well, we haven't set one yet.
Well, I had Michel black out
all of July for next year.
- You what?
- I figured you and Luke
for an outdoorsy, summer wedding.
- Who and Luke?
- July 23 is my pick, but I am flexible.
Michel, un-black it out.
- I told you.
- "I told you" what?
I told her that
you were not getting married.
- I am getting married.
- You were right. You called it.
The woman can't commit to a purse,
much less a man.
- I am getting married.
- I am so naive. I believed.
Live and learn.
Hey! I am getting married. I am.
We will set a date
and we will get married on that date,
and I've had the same purse
for almost a year, thank you very much.
Of course. My mistake.
Now let me go cancel your wedding plans.
Those are not my wedding plans.
They are Sookie's wedding plans.
Well, fine then.
What are your wedding plans?
- They haven't been formalized yet.
- What does that mean?
Sookie, come on.
I got men running around my house,
a completely destroyed bedroom,
things are crazy right now.
When they calm down,
and Luke and I get a chance to breathe,
we will talk and set the date.
- Until then, can we drop it, please?
- Fine, it's dropped.
- She's back! She's coming back!
- No.
- Why?
- I don't know why.
Maybe she left her phone
or her spell book.
All I know is she's heading back
toward the inn
and I am not going out until she leaves.
Michel, you're being ridiculous.
You're a grown man
and you've a job to do.
So do you, and I don't see you rushing out.
Well, I can't, because I'm not done
with my coffee yet.
Good to the last drop.
Daughters of the American Revolution.
Mrs. Tarkinton.
Yes, I've got your application right here.
Sandra Tarkinton.
I guess we just need to make 100% sure
that you're related to a verifiable patriot,
because we couldn't substantiate it
on our end.
Well, see, that's the thing.
The fact that you found a musket
in your great uncle's attic
doesn't necessarily mean you're related
to a revolutionary war patriot.
Yeah.
Unfortunately,
even if your great-uncle Nate
swore on your aunt Kizzy's grave
that it was so.
It's documented genealogy,
preferably notarized.
Could you hold on for a moment?
Where's Julia?
Slinked to the back
after I tore down Constance's letter.
- Good, because I've got some gossip.
- My own little Valerie Plame.
- What's the news?
- Okay.
So I was at lunch with some of the girls,
and I started sniffing around,
just casually asking if anyone had
any funny stories about Constance.
You sly fox!
So, one of the girls tells me
that about three months ago,
she was in the office with Constance,
and as Constance
was heading out for lunch,
she stumbled and dropped her purse,
and her Altoids box popped open
spilling out enough funny-looking pills
to fill a pharmacy.
Constance claimed
that they were all vitamins.
Julia didn't buy it,
because the minute the pills spilled out,
Constance threw herself on top of them
to cover them up.
A cover-up. That's good.
That's what took Nixon down.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I love having a mole.
We should go buy you
a trench coat and a fedora.
I suggested to the girls that next week
we invite Constance to lunch.
Get a couple drinks in her
and see what comes up.
Who knew that behind such a sweet face
lurked the soul of spy?
I prefer the term
"Woman of Mystery and Intrigue."
Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Rory?
- Oh, hey, Paris.
- Hey, we need to talk. Is this a bad time?
No, no, now's a fine time. What's up?
Good. This hard-to-reach thing
was getting old.
I'm all ears, Paris.
I have to put down a security deposit
today by 5:00 or we lose the place.
- What place?
- Our place.
- Our place where?
- Our off-campus place.
You're hard-to-reach in a myriad of ways.
Paris, we don't have a place.
I'm not moving off campus with you.
- Why?
- Because, I no longer go to campus.
So you're sticking with this
"not going to Yale" thing of yours?
- Yes, I am.
- Is this about the boat?
How do you know about the boat?
Oh, come on, it's out there.
Out there? Why is it out there?
How is it out there?
I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog.
- You're kidding.
- Dead serious.
I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was
just about all the guys she has sex with
- and how much she hates her mother.
- That's true.
But the boat you guys stole
belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman,
whose son is Jason Zimmerman,
who Rebecca Thurston had sex with
on her father's boat last semester.
I can't believe I'm in the blogosphere.
Hey, see for yourself.
Just google Rory Gilmore Sexboat.
Oh, my God.
Is it true you and Logan tried to outrace
the Connecticut Coast Guard?
Rent the apartment, Paris.
I'm not coming back to Yale.
You know, you've put me
in a very difficult position.
Now what if I end up renting the room
to a rapist or a serial killer?
I told you over two months ago
that I was not coming back.
And besides, I think Yale is pretty good
about screening for rapists
and serial killers.
There was no sense of finality
in our last conversation.
There was a total sense of finality.
Well, you can believe that if you want to,
but if I end up on the front page
of the Hartford Courier BTK'ed to death,
you'll know why.
Goodbye, Paris.
Okay, guys.
Now let me just get his character here.
Any loincloths?
Clint, stop looking at me like that.
Hello?
I will find you!
No matter how long, no matter how far,
I will find you!
- What the hell's going on here?
- Hey, Luke.
Hi. I'm just doing my Daniel Day-Lewis
retrospective for the guys.
You should see her rendition
of My Left Foot.
Yeah, I've seen it, thanks.
No, this time, I did it with my right foot.
Totally different.
Here, I'll show you.
Pete, hand me the paintbrush.
That's okay. I'm good.
You know, there's a bunch of
open paint cans sitting out on the porch.
Yeah, they'll get to it.
We just didn't want the pizza to get cold.
Hey, check out this new trick
we just taught Paul Anka.
Hey, Paul Anka. Pizza.
Pizza! Pizza!
Salad!
Good boy, good boy.
Oh, shoot. I'm out of treats.
I'll be right back.
Hey, you know those guys
are here to work.
You don't have to put a USO show
on for them.
I know. I just want them
to have a good time.
Half of them have seen you naked.
How much better a time can they have?
- He's jealous of my popularity, Tom.
- Sure. I get that.
Tom, do other clients feed their
construction crews breakfast and lunch
and buy them pizza and beer?
- Nope.
- See?
Of course, the naked thing's
been done to death.
All right, Tom, we're outie.
Anything we need to discuss
before we go?
Nope. We talked about everything
but the kitchen.
- What about the kitchen?
- Well, do we want to make it bigger?
Why would we want to make it bigger?
Well, you might want a nice double oven,
or a sub-zero freezer.
There's room enough for an island
and a cooking station with some stools
around it for entertaining.
You know, for dinner parties.
Or maybe you wanna cook a big
holiday dinner, Thanksgiving or Christmas.
- The strange man is scaring me.
- I think the kitchen's fine, Tom.
Okay, everybody can relax because
your trusty contractor has returned.
Boy, what a trip. Traffic was terrible.
It took me an entire day.
- Here you go, Tom. The Mystic Hammer.
- Thank you, T.J.
I gotta tell you,
I don't see what's so special about it.
It looks an awful lot like every other
hammer we got lying around here.
Well, that's the beauty
of the Mystic Hammer, T.J.
It looks the same,
but it's completely different.
Tom, make sure those cans
are cleaned up out there, okay?
Oh, my God, with the paint cans already.
- I almost tripped over the cans.
- Don't worry, Luke, I'll take care of it.
Hey, did you guys know
there was a room back here?
Boy, yeah, look at this, a whole room.
What a find.
- T.J.
- Boy, if you knocked out this wall here,
opened up this room,
you would have a huge kitchen.
Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, T.J.
Well, then you could turn it
into a weight room.
Or a workshop.
Or, hey, a pork smoker room.
My uncle had a pork smoker room.
Big sides of pork
hanging all over the place.
We called it the Dead Pig Room.
T.J., why don't you go out there
and tell the guys they can go home?
It's not that big a job.
I could have it up
and running for you in a week.
All I gotta do is drive over to Boston
for one of those special sledgehammers
Tom was telling me about,
get a pig, and in about 10 minutes...
Just leave the room alone, okay!
Just... It's fine. Leave it alone. Let's go.
Is she Jewish or something?
- Yeah! Massachusetts, we love you!
- We love you, man!
We'd like to give some shout-outs
before we go,
first and foremost, to Pastor Tim.
Yeah, Pastor Tim!
Thanks for letting us rock the gym here
at Whitfield Seventh-Day
Adventist Church.
Got into some very heavy talk
with the Pastor about my soul
and Ecclesiastes and stuff
after sound check,
and I gotta say, if Christ comes back
in fulfillment of prophecy,
he's going to be hooking up with you first,
dude, 'cause you are awesome.
We would like to also thank
the decoration committee
- for making the A/V room look so cool.
- Yeah!
I've played the Whiskey before, man,
and it's got a similar vibe. It does.
But most important, we'd like to thank
all of you for coming out to see us
and letting us into your homes
and making us feel so welcome.
- We gotta go.
- We are going home, people.
There's some T-shirts and stuff for sale
on the table over there.
We are Zach, Gil, Brian and Lane,
and we are Hep Alien
and we are out of here!
- We were so on, man.
- We were beyond on. We were...
- Cool.
- Watch it, Lane. The Pastor's still hanging.
- We were as tight as the Foo Fighters.
- Tighter.
Listen, if that pretentious little snot
in Coldplay can walk around
comparing himself to Bono,
we can compare ourselves
to the Foo Fighters.
I'm exhausted but exhilarated, you know?
I'm not gonna sleep for months.
Oh, cool, there's people buying T-shirts.
We can get some food tonight.
Just leave money for gas.
We'll have money for gas, guys,
don't worry.
Let's just drink this in.
The last night of our first tour.
- I can't believe it's over.
- I can't believe we survived.
You got it, Pastor Tim.
We gotta break it down, guys.
They want to start setting up
for Bible study tomorrow,
and they need the stage
for their big crucifix.
Okay. Here we go!
Wow, what is that
and where can I get one?
That is my dark chocolate s'mores
wedding cake.
You've been reading my diary.
I got the idea in a dream.
I was back in cooking school
and late for my final,
and I run over to an oven and I open it
and sitting there
is the s'mores wedding cake.
And I present it to my teacher.
He starts weeping,
and the whole class
is applauding and cheering.
- That's so nice.
- Yeah.
And then, of course,
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
come leaping out of the cake,
screaming about how amazing it is.
So that made the whole thing
a little creepy, but up until then...
Look, you've got a marshmallow
bride and groom on the top.
- You think they'll like it?
- I do.
You think you'll like it?
- Look, Captain Ahab.
- Come on. Set the date.
- I will.
- Is there something you're not telling me?
Because agreeing to marry somebody
is just as big a commitment
as actually marrying them.
So don't think it's not.
I am committed.
- And you should be, so...
- This isn't a joking matter, missy.
I want your wedding to be perfect
or I want nothing to do with it.
Oh, really? Wow, that might be a problem,
because I was really hoping for one
of those disastrous weddings
where we lose both rings
minutes before the ceremony,
and I get a nosebleed
as I'm walking down the aisle,
and then later, at the reception,
Luke is found in the coat checkroom
Jude Law-ing it
with one of the bridesmaids.
Hey, I just received a call
that the wedding party
will not be getting in until midnight,
and someone will need to be here
to greet them.
I would do it, but I don't want to.
- All right. I'll do it.
- Very well, I'll leave the...
- Wait, do you feel that?
- Feel what?
An icy chill.
As if something sinister is approaching.
What?
Gee, Michel, is Paris here?
Maybe she was coming up the walk
when I fled.
- Where are you going?
- In the opposite direction.
Paris? Paris is here?
Oh, I get the humming now.
- What is she doing here?
- We're having lunch.
Really? Ordering pizza, are you?
No. Sookie. I'm breaking up with her
today, all right?
I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off.
Grilled chicken and fries.
That is all I'm making.
Thank you.
Go, go hurry up. Come on, move! Move it.
Go. Let's go. Come on. Hurry.
Apparently the eagle has landed.
Paris. Hi, good to see you.
You look good, something different?
I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself
at the service station.
- Well, that must be it.
- Come on, let's sit.
Sorry I'm late.
I was interviewing roommates.
And all I can say is, build an ark,
'cause it is seriously time for a flood.
Oh, well, you want some iced tea?
I mean, forget the concept of intelligence
or even the simple act
of carrying on a conversation,
these people can't type a reference sheet.
I mean, they all have questionable morals,
a complete distrust of soap products...
In the glass, out of the glass,
- it's all just semantics to you, right?
- It's okay.
Well, I'm sure you'll find someone.
You just have to keep looking.
I guess. It's just classes start next week
- and things are already getting crazy.
- Yeah.
- Boy, you sound really busy, Paris.
- I am.
You know, I feel a little bad
dragging you all the way out here
when you have so much on your plate.
I mean, talk about self-centered, huh?
Think about someone else for a change,
Lorelai.
Oh. That's okay.
You know, I'll be totally fine
if you need to cut back on our lunches.
- Cut back?
- Cut back, cut out.
Whatever you need is fine with me.
You know, this all sucks.
I wouldn't even be in this position
if it weren't for Rory.
She was supposed to room with me.
It was all planned out.
I even called her yesterday and gave her
one more chance to change her mind.
- But no.
- You talked to Rory yesterday?
Yeah. I called her at the office.
- Office? What office?
- Her office.
- She has an office? What is she doing?
- I don't know. Her job.
What job?
Some job in an office
with her grandmother.
Well, her grandmother
does not have an office.
Well, that's where I called her.
This makes no sense to me at all.
What did it sound like?
- An office.
- Yes, I know an office,
but were there specific office sounds?
- I think I heard a fax machine.
- A fax machine?
- Are you sure it was a fax machine?
- Pretty sure.
Well, were there people talking?
Or traffic? Did you hear traffic?
'Cause that could give us a location.
The city, the county or... What?
So that's what this is all about.
You're just using me to get to Rory.
Oh, Paris.
You're pumping me full of espresso
and pumping me for information.
No, that is not true. I'm not pumping.
No pumping. We're completely pump free.
I'm so stupid. I mean, why else would you
want to have biweekly lunches with me?
There are many, many reasons.
And they will come to me,
just in a second.
I'm blind. I walk blindly through life.
- No, now, you're not blind.
- I'll leave. I'll go right now.
Oh, Paris, please. I'm sorry.
You mentioned Rory
and a thing went off in my brain.
It's just a mother thing, but I love
our lunches. I really do. Please stay.
- Are you sure? Because I could just...
- Yes, I'm completely positive.
Everything's good.
Now won't you sit down?
How does chicken sound? Okay?
Okay. If it's not too dry.
Okay.
The service here sucks.
Very smooth, Mr. Hollister.
That was the Suzie Q
right into the Shorty George.
I thought it looked familiar.
And after this song,
I'll take you for a twirl.
Oh, I hope I can keep up.
Watch those hands, Mr. Fink.
I'm on it.
You know, I can get this
for you guys on CD.
Oh, now, come on. It wasn't that funny.
Oh, my God. Hey, stranger.
Hello to you.
Watch those hands, Miss Gilmore.
Touché, Mr. Fink.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I was in Copenhagen this morning,
and then I remembered
I have a 4:00 mambo class.
Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
How was Europe?
- Same as it was last year.
- What did you do?
Long, embarrassing story.
I'll tell you later.
Okay. Oh, wait, hold on.
Okay, everyone,
it is time for cake and punch.
It's only a 15-minute break,
and then it's back to the dance floor.
- So you're Arthur Murray now?
- No. I don't have that much training.
No, their dance teacher has
an inner-ear infection. I'm just filling in.
My job is to make sure nobody falls down.
And what if somebody does?
That's what the panic button is for.
So, when does this crazy
rock 'n' roll party wrap up?
Another 45 minutes.
But if you get yourself some
cake and punch, it'll only seem like 40.
- I missed you.
- That was my plan.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I missed this.
- Me, too.
Oh, so you, Colin and Finn
didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe?
No. Mostly just handholding.
So, is there any official record of this trip
or was all evidence
confiscated at the airport?
- I got pictures.
- Yeah?
- Can I see?
- Hand me that.
Now, you realize if I show you mine,
you have to show me yours.
You saw mine
about five minutes ago, mister.
I hate it when you work blue.
Okay. Here's Colin sleeping on the train.
And, here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up
Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train.
- Very mature.
- We try.
- This is Gloucestershire, England.
- It's pretty.
Where we attended the famous
Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling Festival,
a time-honored tradition
where fine, brave men such as myself,
climb to the top of the hill
with a large wheel of cheese,
and then proceed to push it and
run after it as it rolls all the way down.
Shut up.
Why would you commit that to film?
That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn
and that is the cheese.
So, if you beat your cheese
to the bottom of the hill,
are you disqualified or do you win?
There are no winners or losers in the
Gloucestershire Cheese-Rolling Festival.
Well, there certainly aren't any winners.
Tell me about it.
- Who's that?
- Now that's the love of Colin's life.
Colin fell in love?
Yeah, he met her in Holland.
She doesn't speak a word of English,
so she has no idea
how incredibly annoying she finds him.
- What's with the outfit?
- She's a milkmaid.
- Stop.
- She has cows. She has pails.
- Colin fell in love with a milkmaid?
- It's pretty serious, too.
He ditched us
and followed her to Amsterdam
where they've been holed up ever since.
We haven't heard a word from him.
I mean, we assume he's gonna be back
by the time...
By the time, what?
By the time the cows come home? What?
By the time school starts?
What? What's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Logan, you can mention school to me.
I don't wanna bum you out.
Logan, that is ridiculous. I am fine.
I mean, look.
Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life,
but I've moved on.
I have my work. I have my new pad.
I'm just really happy
with where I am right now.
Really?
Logan, you don't have to feel weird
about this.
You go to Yale. Your friends go to Yale.
How can we not talk about Yale?
- I don't know.
- Exactly.
So we both agree that the topic of Yale
can never be off-limits.
Okay, fine. Well, if you're so cool with it,
then why don't you come meet me
at Yale tomorrow
and I can show you my new apartment
and maybe take you to lunch.
I can't tomorrow, because I have
my DAR induction luncheon.
- Well, then, how about breakfast?
- Breakfast sounds good.
I have to say, Ace, I like the new digs.
Yeah, it's really nice, huh?
- You haven't even seen the bedroom yet.
- Oh, wow.
- What?
- Okay, fine.
But don't think
this is going to work a second time.
No, Logan. I didn't mean...
No, I seriously meant
that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet.
You're making me feel cheap, Ace.
Logan. I swear, I wasn't working blue.
- Come on, let's go.
- Martha's thirsty, guys.
- I hate that he named the van.
- I think it's cute.
- Hey, you're not pumping premium, right?
- It's the cheap stuff, bro, don't worry.
Yeah, well, you said that before
and you pumped premium
and it meant no snack stop in Philadelphia.
What, Gil?
Well, I was just watching the numbers
spin by on the gas pump dial thingy here,
getting bigger and bigger,
and I was thinking,
what if that was counting all the people in
the world who are, like, dying, you know?
So it's all these dead dudes spinning by.
Every day with him
is like being on Meet the Press.
- I can't feel my legs.
- Well, move around a little.
Your amp's on my foot.
Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian.
My guitar case is jammed
against my thigh.
I got a cymbal stand
sticking in my pancreas.
Guys, we're an hour out of Stars Hollow.
Hang in there.
God, the smell of that gas
is making me hungry.
- Gil, hurry.
- I'm coming.
All right.
That's the last of the gas money,
so this better get us home.
Everybody, lean forward.
Gil, where'd you put the map?
- You're okay to drive, right?
- Yeah, sure, I'm just...
Dude, don't do that thing
where you don't finish your sentences.
- It freaks me out.
- I'll try, I'm just...
- Come on.
- I guess I'm just weak from hunger.
The guy I got gas from?
I was talking to him
and he suddenly turned
into a giant turkey leg.
Please don't mention food.
Let's think good thoughts here, guys.
Picture yourself at home, okay?
Home at last.
What's the first thing you're going to do?
- Eat.
- Wash my hair.
Hug the kids. Set them up
in front of a Harry Potter movie
and then do my wife for like an hour.
Look, guys, I've got an announcement.
Kind of in my capacity as band manager,
and I think it's gonna cheer you up.
- A lot.
- What?
Well, as you know,
each gig paid us a little something
and we stayed free at people's houses
along the way,
and we sold a decent amount of T-shirts.
So, besides food,
which we consumed in moderation,
there were days
that we spent practically nothing.
- Yeah?
- Well,
I wanted us to come out of this tour
with something.
So I figured the best way
to motivate us to save
would be to fib a little
on how much we had.
- You fibbed a little?
- Actually, a lot.
But it paid off big, guys,
because we're going home
with over $9,000.
$9,000. American dollars.
Why aren't you guys
jumping up and down?
Besides the fact that my spinal cord
severed somewhere back on the 95?
And that we haven't eaten a full meal
in over two months?
I thought we were broke.
See? See how it worked?
And now we're reaping the rewards.
- Lane, we were starving.
- We've scrimped on everything.
I've stopped brushing my teeth
because I couldn't buy toothpaste.
I've been washing my hair with bar soap.
But think about what we can do
with the money. We can record.
Make a CD.
Nirvana made Bleach for $600.
Even factoring in inflation,
if we're on our game,
we could make Bleach 10 times over.
- Our own Bleach.
- It would be very cool to record.
- Very cool.
- I think...
Dude. Come on,
you gotta finish that sentence.
- I can't talk and drive.
- Then just drive, Gil.
Thirty miles, 30 miles to home.
Talking about how pretty I am again?
Oh, get a new subject, boys.
What are you doing home?
Well, I have to be at the inn late tonight
so I thought I'd come feed Paul Anka,
take him for a little walk,
work out our crosswalk issues.
- Well, Tom here was just...
- It's not my fault.
I wasn't gonna say it was your fault.
Well, you've got "it's Tom's fault" tone
in your voice.
He's gotta shut your water off
for a couple of days.
We hit a pipe that shouldn't have been hit.
- Tom!
- See how fast the "it's Tom's fault"
- tone has spread.
- Yeah.
- You can stay with me.
- Okay. Well, I gotta get back to work.
- That wedding party's coming in tonight.
- No, I'll gather up some of your stuff.
Last time you gathered up
some of my stuff
you accidentally brought me
four bras and no pants.
- That could've been intentional.
- I will get my own stuff, thank you.
Now I just have to figure out
what to do with Paul Anka.
You know, I've never left him alone
so late before
and he might start doing that howling
thing the neighbors are so fond of.
But... Oh, that's okay.
So... Oh, you know,
I guess I could just leave him here,
and I can come back
and get him after work,
which would be 2:00, 3:00,
4:00 in the morning. Boy, late.
Or I could drop him off at a kennel
for a few hours.
I know there's a good one in Woodbridge,
20 miles away.
Of course I'd have to leave now and
pick up some dilithium crystals on the way
to fix the warp drive in my Jeep
so that I could drive there
and back in time
to meet the wedding party back at the inn,
but that's doable.
Yeah. And then of course by the time I get
off work and drive all the way back there,
the kennel will definitely be closed,
so I'd have to break in,
and that would set off
some kind of security system,
and then I'd be arrested, and so I should
probably put a nail file in my shoe
and how much longer
are you going to make me do this?
I just wanted to see how long you'd go on.
Well, you know my babbling capabilities
are infinite.
I'll take the dog home with me, and points
for the dilithium crystal reference.
Well, when you sleep with geeks...
Hey.
I just talked to my buddy Tony Benzino,
who's a contractor over in Hartford,
and he says contractors
don't fetch lunches for the crew.
They do, however,
get to answer the phone,
and they do get to sign for things,
and order things, and, Tom!
There is no such thing
as a Mystic Hammer.
And after this
very enlightening conversation,
- you know what I'm starting to think?
- What?
I'm starting to think that
I'm not really the contractor on this job.
- Look, T.J...
- It's okay, Luke.
I got this. T.J.
We did this for your own good.
We got you out of the house, you got paid,
you didn't get hurt. Look at it that way.
Oh, yeah? Is that the way
I'm supposed to look at it?
Well, fine.
You can keep
your stupid phony contracting job.
I'm through playing your patsy.
I'm through running your errands.
Hold on, that's no mayo.
Here, Ed.
I'm done! I quit!
You can all kiss any part of me
that reaches your general vicinity first.
You have seen the last of me.
So arrivederci, Roma.
And to repay you all for this lousy trick
that you played on me,
you can all reach in here
and grab your own damn condiments.
That's dinner.
- Hit me.
- That's your fourth milkshake, T.J.
Doesn't matter, Luke. It's not like
I got anywhere to go tomorrow.
So you're not a contractor.
Who cares? Neither am I.
- You don't see me crying about it.
- I'm not crying about it.
- Anymore.
- It's not your thing.
Yeah, it's not my thing.
I don't have a thing.
I have nothing.
You've got Liz. You've got your health.
I've got no dream. I've got no future.
What are you talking about,
you've got no future?
Did you or did you not
build these shelves?
- I did.
- Those are great shelves, T.J.
- Stop it.
- They are.
There's some real craftsmanship
that went into those shelves.
Well made,
you've got some nice carved detail.
That's a quality piece of merchandise
and you made it.
Yeah, so?
So you should be proud of that.
Not everybody can do that.
So you're not a contractor.
You're a craftsman.
Wow. I'm a craftsman. Like Jesus.
He built stuff for a while.
Yeah, you're exactly like Jesus.
That was my point.
Yeah. What am I getting so mopey about?
I mean, I build shelves.
I'm a craftsman
who builds shelves like Jesus.
And, plus, my day rate
has just gone way up.
Yeah, but T.J., that was a contractor's rate
you were being paid,
- not a shelfmaker's rate.
- Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor.
I know but that was...
Have a good night, T.J.
Hey, just lying there, what a surprise.
Make sure you grind that smelly butt
of yours into the rug real good,
get that aroma really locked
in those fibers there.
Oh, man.
Wow, you are fun to have around.
Oh, no.
Oh, crap. Oh, God.
Tell me you didn't, tell me you didn't.
Here we go.
Oh, jeez.
Come on, hey, wake up!
I've got a dog out here!
- Can I help you?
- Yeah. The dog ate chocolate.
And I don't know a lot about dogs,
but I do know
they shouldn't eat chocolate.
I went to the animal hospital,
they were closed
and I called Babette
and she told me where you lived.
And you gotta do something
because this is not my dog.
This is my fiancée's dog.
She loves him. She named him Paul Anka
which may on the surface
not seem like a sign of love,
but if you knew her you'd get it.
And believe me, there's a lot of ways
that I can screw up this relationship
but I cannot lose her
over the fact that I killed her dog.
I'll get the ipecac. Come on in.
So I told the guy,
"Hey, there is no way
all these potatoes could've been peeled
"if I had waltzed in here at 12:00."
He simply refused to believe me
or credit me with the hours,
so finally I just said,
"You know what? There is
another soup kitchen down on Hadley
"and they serve more vegetables
than you do.
"So I would rather work there anyhow."
And I turned in my apron and I walked out.
Wow. Rough world,
the world of community service.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
I've done 125 hours. So I've got 175 to go,
which is a little off my goal,
but not by much, so I can deal.
I've got the candy striper thing
starting next week.
I didn't really want that,
but I had to take it
because I was supposed to get on
the zoo beat, which would've been gross
but great 'cause they'll let you do
double shifts,
but they are always full.
- Weird, huh?
- Very weird.
- I'm boring you.
- Far from it. I just have to go.
I have to meet with my faculty advisor
and convince her
that this is the year I'm finally gonna make
something of myself.
Well, don't tell her about the cheese
rolling incident. She'll never believe you.
- You want a walk back to your car?
- No. I think I can make it by myself.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Call you later?
- Okay.
Hey.
Hey. Sorry.
I didn't mean to wake you.
Go back to sleep.
No, it's okay. I like to watch you hydrate.
Oh, man.
When'd you get home?
I didn't hear you come in.
- Yeah, you were conked out pretty good.
- Oh, yeah.
- Both of you.
- Yeah.
How did it go with Paul Anka last night?
Well, first off he ate three pounds
of unsweetened baking chocolate,
so I had to rush him to the vet.
To his house,
because the animal hospital was closed.
And he forced some sort of vomit-inducing
medicine down Paul Anka's throat.
And then Paul Anka proceeded
to throw up for the next hour and a half.
After that, I sat with him
for another three hours
holding a bowl of water under his nose
to make sure that
he was re-hydrating properly.
And then I chocolate-proofed
the apartment and the diner
to make sure that never happens again.
And now I'm gonna go downstairs
and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs
because the vet said that the kibble
is gonna be a little hard on his stomach
for a couple days. Does he have
any particular fear of cheddar?
'Cause I thought I'd throw that in
to make it taste better.
- Luke?
- Yeah?
I don't wanna set a wedding date
until things are right with Rory.
Okay.
- So the cheddar is...
- Okay.
The dining hall hours are cast in stone.
You snooze, you lose.
And your school issued IDs
are your new best friends.
Become inseparable.
You'll be asked for it constantly,
so give it a nickname and learn to commit.
It operates the laundry room.
It is your meal card.
Every new student at Yale
will learn the value of the ID.
Every new member of the DAR
will feel instantly
the sense of camaraderie
that has become synonymous
with the DAR.
As certified members
of the Hartford Chapter
of the
Daughters of the American Revolution,
you will hold a very special
and esteemed place in this community.
But with that great esteem,
comes great responsibility.
To your chapter,
to your town and to your nation.
This is a proud moment for me,