Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 6, Episode 2 - Fight Face - full transcript

- It's big.
- That's what she said.

- Good one.
- Hey, I'm still 12.

I meant the house. It's very big.

And very sweet of Luke
to have that dream of his.

- You two living in this house?
- What do you think there are, 12 rooms?

At least. You could really go to town
in this place.

You could have a dedicated sewing room.
I mean, that's a no-brainer.

Are you kidding? I could put
a whole loom in one of those rooms.

Indulge my long-harbored desire
to make tapestries.

- You've been long-harboring that one?
- I just thought of it, but, yeah.

- So it's all feeling good, huh?
- Well, it's a little on the Versailles side.

I'm gonna have to keep an eye out
for peasants with pitchforks.

I meant the relationship.
You're engaged, for gosh sakes.

Yes, I'm aware.

- And it's sticking?
- Yes, Sookie, it's sticking.

Good, good.

- How about now?
- I'm totally re-evaluating the whole thing.

- Really?
- No!

- Well, you've got priors.
- Sookie.

You say one thing,
but your heart says another.

Please, don't give me the whole litany,

especially one that sounds
so much like a Kenny Chesney song.

I'm just being honest.

I'm not going to bolt. I'm staying put.

Good, because the eyes
will give you away.

- What do you mean?
- If you're thinking of bolting.

They'll pop out on you
like that runaway bride.

It's like the eyes
are trying to run away first.

- Sookie, look at my eyes.
- Okay.

- How do they look?
- Pretty socked in there.

And there they will remain.
Everything's good. Promise.

- Good. Pretty eyes, too.
- I'm taken.

Sorry.

- What?
- Is it me or...

- Nope, I think it just got bigger.
- That's what she said.

- Good grief.
- What? You can be 12, but I can't be 12?

- No, you can be 12.
- Thank you.

Remember to sign in at the get-go.
If you do not sign in,

your work that day will not count
against your community-service hours.

So do it. Same thing at the end.
Sign out. Don't forget.

Each shift is three-and-a-half hours.

Double shifts will include

a half-hour lunch break
and it's bring your own.

Take one down and pass it around.

These are your guidelines.

They outline safety procedures,
behavior requirements, etcetera.

If you cause any trouble,
you will come back here to see me,

something I do not want to happen.

Now, let's talk about
what you will not bring.

First on the list, weapons of any kind.

I'll state the obvious first.

You will not bring a gun,
you will not bring chains,

you will not bring knives of any kind,
including penknives,

nail files, razor blades, carpet cutters.

You will not bring rope,
you will not bring brass knuckles

or anything
that can be used as a truncheon.

And they have those flashlight thingies.

Yeah, that's the right name for those,
flashlight thingies.

And Jedi powers of mind control,

and they can move things,
so they're telekinetic.

And they hover on their jet saucers
over molten lava

and they can jump and fly around
like they're in Cirque du Soleil.

- Coffee, please.
- But what gives one Jedi knight

the edge over the other, huh?
The ultimate advantage?

They stand on a mound of dirt and declare,
"You can't win. I've got the high ground."

Dude, if he said it, that's the way it is.
It's a fictional world.

He's four feet up a little slope,

and that wipes out
all the other guys' powers to fly,

jump around, move things with his brain,
use his flashlight thingy?

You've got to learn
the right term for that flashlight thingy.

This has been bugging me.

For months.
We saw that movie months ago.

- You've got to let it go.
- I can't.

George Lucas owns San Francisco now.
That's a city.

You can't argue
with a man who owns a city.

All the other guy has to do
is scurry onto land, run up a hill a bit,

and then he has the high ground.

I mean, they can fly jet pods
but they can't scurry?

Go on a website or something, okay?

'Cause there are thousands,
no, millions of your kind out there,

debating all the minutiae of
not just this Star Wars movie,

but every Star Wars movie.

- You dragged me to see these movies.
- No, you wanted to see that movie.

So I can't critique it
because I wanted to see it?

That's how it works.

- What about Bewitched?
- Okay, I'm sorry.

They screwed up Bewitched.

Nicole Kidman, good choice,
but that concept?

- You should go on a website.
- No, but Bewitched is iconic.

Dr. Bombay? Larry Tate?
There was no Larry Tate.

- Hey, let it go. We saw this months ago.
- This is different.

You can't have Bewitched
without Larry Tate.

Here's your coffee.

- So, should we stop going to movies?
- We should stop caring.

- Okay, bye, doll.
- Bye.

- You see these?
- Yeah, I saw them before, T.J.

- Stop doing that. It's creepy.
- Some of my best work, these shelves.

- They seem very shelfy.
- You're not excited.

Yeah, I tend not to get too excited
about things like shelves.

- I hate that you lost the little boy in you.
- Don't cry for me.

By the way, I'm throwing in my top shelf

as an engagement gift for you,
brother-in-law.

Great, thanks.

Of course, my per-shelf rate's gone up
since we last talked,

so it all comes out to the same money.

Yeah, well, funny how that works.

It's very exciting that Lorelai's gonna be
my sister-in-law.

Having another hot girl in the family
is gonna be très cool.

People are really gonna stare

when the two of us are squiring
our delectable wives around.

I don't know just how much mutual
squiring you and I are going to be doing.

You got to admit, our wives are hot.

- Va-va to the voom.
- T.J., your wife is my sister.

That don't make you blind,
does it? Va-va...

- Don't go to the "voom" again.
- Mr. Sensitive.

You're done here, right?
Don't you have somewhere to go?

I'm pretty free. I was gonna go home
and watch Bewitched on DVD,

but your woman spoiled that for me.

Yeah, I got to check something out
in the storeroom, so...

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait.

- I need your okay on something.
- As long as it doesn't involve my sister.

It pays to advertise, right?

I wanna put a sign up on the shelves
to let people know who did them.

"Shelves by A.J."

A.J.? Why A.J.? Why not T.J.?

'Cause I'm going in the Yellow Pages
and I want to be up at the top.

"T" puts me after everything
except "U," "V," "W," "X," "Y" and "Z"

and I think a few others. Smart, huh?

Yeah, well,
I just don't want you advertising here, T.J.

Well, is it okay if I give out my card
to any inquiring party?

Sure. If they inquire, give them a card.

Dude, you crossed out
"Ralph's Shoe Repair"

and wrote in "A.J. Construction."
That's your card?

I don't technically have cards,

so I take them from other businesses
and write my own stuff in it.

You might wanna cross out
the picture of the guy shining the boot.

- It might confuse things.
- Thanks. What a team, huh?

What a team!

How about those shelves, huh?

You plus your fat cousins
could sit on them.

They wouldn't break. They're that strong.
Here, take a card.

Hello, Porky. Hello.

Well, I'm feeling a little guilty
because of the "You-L-T" I had yesterday.

That's right, I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Hi, fellas. What's up?
You both look like killers.

Hey! Hey, you.

Oh, someone seems very happy.

- He likes you and he's picky.
- He's cute.

You're cute. You're shaggy cute.

Oh, we got a love thing going on,
don't we?

- What are you doing?
- I'm just enjoying the animals, Patty.

Honey, this is not right.
She can't have a love thing with a dog.

- She can't?
- Yes, I can.

Go about your business there, Patty.

You must have her name
on some blacklist back there, don't you?

We don't have a blacklist.

- But this is Lorelai Gilmore.
- Ignore her.

This dog loves me.
And the pig, the pig loved me.

- It looks dead.
- It's sleeping. They sleep, right?

Actually, that's very unusual
for her to be sleeping.

- Meg, make sure the pig's okay.
- Yeah, the pig's fine.

- You didn't touch it, did you?
- I did not kill the pig, Patty.

You got a bad record. You got to admit it.

That thing with the hamster
was a long time ago.

It was a long time ago,
and it was only a hamster.

I mean, it's really not in the same category
as dog or pig, now, is it?

- What about the rabbit?
- Okay, the rabbit was sick when I got it.

It was sick when I got it.

It was actually very humanitarian of me
to take it in the first place.

And that poor turtle?
It was supposed to outlive you.

Okay, you're really kind of
bringing down the pet fair here, Patty.

Honey, go see March of the Penguins.

That's really as close to the animals
as you should get.

She's a comedienne, that one.

She just gets a bit
and then she keeps on going,

you know, even with one that's not funny.

Hi, see you later, kiddo.

- Lorelai!
- Liz, hi.

- You and Luke engaged!
- Yes, we are.

- I wanna eat your face.
- Is that good?

You're my sister-in-law, Mrs. Danes.
Not that you're changing your name.

- You don't got to. Go modern.
- Oh, I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.

- This ring. My brother has good taste.
- Yes, he does.

- You ever see my ring? It's a beaut, huh?
- Definitely.

Had a problem with it for a while.
It turned my finger green.

- Well, that's common with metal.
- No, it's worse than that.

The finger turned green,
then it turned blue, then purple.

So I went to this doctor
and he's talking amputation.

- Oh, my God.
- But T.J. picked it out for me,

- so I love it. I really do.
- It's the thought that counts.

Well, I got to get going.

I actually have a finger therapy session
I have to go to.

- Sister-in-laws!
- Sister-in-laws!

- Oh, I'm a jerk.
- What?

- I forgot to ask you about Rory.
- Right.

So is she staying here with you
during the summer break?

Oh, well, actually...

- Luke didn't tell you about all this?
- All what?

She's staying with her grandparents
for the summer.

- Really?
- For a change of pace.

And she'll be working and... Yeah.

Your whole extended family,
you, your parents, so close.

- It's nice.
- Yes, it is.

- What?
- My finger. Got to run. Bye.

Bye, Liz.

I'll take him.

- So the 14th works?
- Yeah, works for me.

My God,
we're busier than that Ann Coulter.

- Who?
- That blond beanpole on TV.

If she walked over a subway grate,
she'd fall right through.

- We need to talk to the gardener.
- Try. I've given up.

I told him to take that MP3 device
off his head while he worked and he did.

Then I hid behind the curtains,

and he put his MP3 device
right back in his ears.

We're paying him too much
if he's able to afford an MP3 device.

Well, he's got to focus on the lawn.

- Morning, Rory.
- Hi.

The patches of brown.

- Good morning, Rory.
- Morning.

Speaking of which, we have
a cocktail gathering on Wednesday.

How was "patches of brown"
speaking of which?

- It's at Sterling Oliver's.
- The age spots.

You worship the sun, you pay the price.

So, Wednesday with the...
Wait a minute.

We already have cocktails
with the Bransons on Wednesday.

- We'll do a drink at each.
- We've done it before.

- Rory, sit, sit.
- Okay.

We're staying on top of your car,
by the way.

- My car?
- It's still in the shop.

What is with our government?

Impounding a car
and damaging it in the process.

Then refusing to pay for the damage.

I should tell Scooter Libby about this.

I keep forgetting
I know a man on the inside.

- I'll give him a call.
- Before an indictment comes down.

- I'm sorry.
- For what?

Well, my car is impounded
because of the thing with the yacht.

- That's forgotten.
- Totally forgotten.

It didn't happen.

We'll get you through
this community service

then we'll be through with the matter.

- Was the orientation horrible?
- No, it went fine.

- I start my first hours in a couple days.
- You're bearing this angelically.

- Oh, I've got to run.
- Oh, look at that. Me, too.

Goodbye, Rory, have a nice day.

- Eat the rest of this.
- I'll try.

And give the fabric samples
in the pool house a good look.

The longer we wait, the longer it takes.

I'll give them a good look.

- What's that?
- It's my new ringtone.

I love it.

I'll have Katie come up with some
appropriate suggestions for yours.

- Maybe some Burt Bacharach.
- Wonderful.

May I?

- Esperanza, right?
- Sí, Esperanza.

Guatemala?

- Rory!
- Oh, Grandma, you scared me.

- Hello, Mrs. Gilmore.
- What's going on in here?

We were just...

Well, we were polishing silver.

Esperanza, the vacuum is still sitting
in the foyer.

The vacuum.

- The vacuum!
- Oh, sí. Yes, ma'am. Sí.

- Tell me she didn't ask you to help.
- Oh, no, no. She didn't.

I just... I don't know.
I just thought I would pitch in.

Well, you shouldn't. This is her job.
She's paid to do this.

- I know.
- And what was that language?

- Spanish.
- Spanish?

They don't like it
when you talk to them, Rory.

- It throws them off their axis.
- She seemed fine.

- Is that a bathing suit?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I was gonna go swimming earlier.

- In fact, I think I'll go do that now.
- Yes, a swim would be good.

Okay, well, see you later.

- Hey, you ready to go?
- Come in, come in, come in.

- I want to show you something.
- Okay.

Or more accurately,
I want to show you someone.

Ta-da!

- Where'd he go?
- Where'd who go? What's all this crap?

Oh, yoo-hoo.

Come on, dude,
we had it all rehearsed and everything.

Yeah, okay.

- Ta-da!
- It's a dog.

Yeah, very good. He's smart, too.
Not as smart as you.

- What are you doing with a dog?
- I bought him. Doesn't he look happy?

- Yeah, I guess. You bought a dog!
- Yeah. And he loves me.

And he doesn't give his love easily.

The only drawback is the name. Cocoa.
It's too cutesy.

But he's a rescue,
so I don't want to freak him out

by giving him a new name right away.

So, I'm gonna get to the name
I want to give him in baby steps.

For the first week, I'll call him Cocoa

- to get him acclimated.
- Acclimated.

The second week,
I'm gonna call him Cokey.

Third week, Kooky. Fourth week, Tooky.

- So, you're gonna name him Tooky?
- No, I'm gonna name him Paul Anka,

but it's gonna take a while
to get to Paul Anka.

Yeah, I'd say so.

And, you know, this little guy

has already taught me something
I didn't know.

Just because they make it for a dog,
doesn't mean a dog is gonna like it.

Toys, including squeakies
and the "whazzup" variety.

- Whazzup?
- No interest.

Rawhide bones, no interest.
Popcorn, scared of it.

Scared of popcorn?

Yeah, and also of tissue holders,
paperbacks, CDs, framed pictures and lint.

Oh, and when I drink something,
he gets freaked out like I'm gonna die

and I have to pick him up and rock him
like a baby until he calms down.

It's been quite a first day for us.

Look, should I ask the question
that immediately came to mind

when I first saw the thing,
or should I just shut up?

- No, shoot.
- Is it okay for you...

That hamster was defective. Period.
Plus, they only live, like, three years.

I looked it up and he would have
been dead by now anyway.

- So, world, stop with the hamster already.
- But, the turtle...

- The same thing with the turtle.
- Yeah, but they live to be 90.

I will take care of this dog. I promise.

- Now, would you like a beer?
- Sure.

Okay. Just distract him while I'm drinking.

And don't let him see the bottle opener.

- How much did you spend on all this?
- Tons.

- For a stupid dog.
- You're acting like you don't like dogs.

- I don't like dogs.
- He heard you.

- What, he speaks English?
- Since when do you not like dogs?

Since all the times
I made that really, really clear,

which is every time
I've ever been around a dog.

What is there not to like about dogs?

They're dirty. They're a pain to train.

They're a pain to wash.
They bark when they shouldn't.

They jump on you
when you don't want them to.

They chew things. They shed.
They lick themselves.

They make your house smell.

They make your car smell,
and they make you smell.

You know, I think it's very sad
that you've lost the little boy in you.

The little boy didn't like dogs, either.

Oh, you know, I just realized what this is.
This is our thing.

- What thing?
- This tradition of ours.

You claim to hate everything at first,

but it's just your initial stance
in a negotiation.

And then we talk and our opinions merge
and we find a happy middle.

No, a lot of times it's just how I feel,
and my mind doesn't change.

Okay. Okay, he's eating. Come on, let's go.
But don't make any sudden movements.

And don't drink. And don't look at him.

He's very self-conscious about his eating.
I'm the same way.

That's how I know this is gonna work.

Go, go, go, go.

You do realize your dog
has just driven us out of the house.

Don't worry, he's a quick eater. Come on.

- This is silly.
- What? We can hang out out here.

It's a nice night.

Okay, now, fill me in. How was your day?

I talked to some contractors
about the Twickham house.

Oh, yeah?

As soon as we make the offer,
they'll let us in,

we can start planning stuff,
remodeling, whatever.

- Good.
- And as soon as we're out of escrow,

- we can start work.
- Cool, excellent.

I was thinking we could even
pull the crew over here.

- Do some quick touch-ups before selling.
- Wait. Touch-ups? Where, here?

Yeah, it hasn't been painted in a while.

Fixing it up will help it sell.

- Right. You know what I've been thinking?
- What?

Maybe we should hang on to this house.

- To rent?
- No, not to rent.

- To use in some other way.
- What other way?

I don't know.
It could be, like, a paint studio.

- We don't paint.
- Well, maybe we'll start.

Maybe it's the lack of a studio

that's kept us from realizing
our love of watercolors.

I don't have a love of watercolors.

Or I could use it as my recording studio.

That would be cool, huh?
And when I'm not laying down tracks,

I could rent it out to Korn
or Iggy Pop or someone. Right?

You and me just hanging
with Iggy Pop, rocking out,

telling stories. Ig's got stories.

Or we could use it as a safe house,

in case we decide
to take up a life of crime.

I doubt we're going to do that.

Well, we could be wrongly accused
of a crime we did not commit.

And then we'd have to hide out
until society realized the mistake,

and then we'd be like,
"Hey, no hard feelings. It happens.

"This is a great country."
And thank God we had the safe house.

If you want, we can just hang on to it
and rent it out.

I don't want anyone else living in it.

They can't live in it,
but they can record songs in it?

I just think we could use this place.
Think about it, okay?

- Yeah, sure, we'll think about it.
- Okay.

Look, he's done
and he's in there fast asleep.

- Great, let's go back in.
- Okay.

Just be careful because he gets scared
when you wake him up.

- Of course.
- Okay.

Oh, and try not to say any words
that begin with the letter "Q."

- Hi, I got your note.
- Come in, dear.

We just wanted to speak to you
for a minute.

Sit, sit.

We have a club soda all ready for you here.

Is that all right?
We can make you something else.

No, that's fine.
My drink of choice, thank you.

Refreshing.

Now, you said something before
about wanting a job.

- Yes.
- You're low on money,

and I know you'd prefer to earn it
rather than be given it.

You're a Gilmore.

Your grandmother and I are ready
to help you with that.

- With a job?
- That's right.

Well, the job thing
was before my court thing.

Three hundred hours
of community service in six months.

It's a fulltime job in itself,

which kind of limits my options
as far as work.

That's where we come in.

We can swing a couple of options for you
that'll give you the flexibility you need.

- Really?
- There are all sorts of things out there

for a bright girl such as yourself.

They'll bend their schedules for you.

I'll make some appointments
and let you know what they are.

All right. Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Have you met Draguta?
She's from Romania.

Hi.

That's right. I forgot.
You don't like the stairs.

Come on, Paul Anka.

That's right.

I'm skipping the fancy in-between thing
and going straight for the gold.

I'm calling you Paul Anka.
Paul Anka, the dog.

You don't like mailboxes. Got it.

- Oh, excuse me.
- Rory, what a coincidence.

- We were just talking about you earlier.
- You were?

- Come in. Sit with us for a minute.
- This is Rory?

- She's made of porcelain.
- I didn't mean to interrupt.

- Beautiful skin.
- Like one of your Lladrós.

I want to miniaturize her
and set her on my mantel.

- You interrupted nothing.
- Nora was just defending her choice.

- Her choice?
- Cover your ears, Rory.

- It's Alexander Hamilton, no debate.
- Over Washington.

- And Jefferson.
- Direct, proud, that chin

and those blazing eyes.

- They're discussing the forefathers.
- Choosing, to be more accurate.

- Which one was the greatest?
- Lover.

- Oh, dear.
- Girls, please. She's just a child.

Most of us picked Washington
or Jefferson.

- There was one vote for James Madison.
- Two abstentions.

And I chose the stud on the 10.

It's the drinks.
I have to start watering them down.

- So we finally meet the famous Rory.
- I'm famous?

- You're wanted.
- She's perfect for us.

- For what?
- A job's opened up.

At our DAR office downtown.

- We need someone smart, sharp-looking.
- And the hours are extremely flexible.

It just fell out of the sky into our laps.

- Isn't that something?
- Yes.

You can even work
from home occasionally.

- It's mostly phone work.
- You would be perfect for us.

Well, thank you all for thinking of me,
and, yes, it does sound perfect.

- Good.
- When did you join, Rory?

- Join?
- The DAR?

- Oh, well, I haven't.
- Yet.

- She'd have to join to work in the office.
- Oh!

Don't worry. The term "shoo-in"
was coined for a figurine like you.

Don't worry. The paperwork's all filled out
and ready. It's a formality.

Do you not eat? Do you not drink?
The Irish coffee is astounding.

Oh, yes. Rory, our meeting's done.
We're just gabbing.

Go change and join us.

And be thinking
of the forefather you fancy.

- Well, I can't.
- Why not?

- Because, I have my...
- Your?

- My thing.
- Your thing?

My community service.
You were supposed to drive me.

Oh, yes. Ladies, I'm sorry.
Rory and I have a little outing.

And we were having so much filthy fun,
I forgot the time.

- Doing a little shopping, Emily?
- Something like that.

- Well, have fun.
- Lovely gathering, Emily.

Thank you, girls.

Oh, you're going to match the drapes
in our office perfectly.

Come on, boy, jump out.

Good boy. You're not afraid of jumping,
that's something.

- Excuse me.
- Hello.

Hello! I'm Lorelai,
the owner of the house you're standing on.

- I'm George.
- Hi, George.

I'm just trying to think of
how to ask this in a polite way.

- Are you committing some sort of crime?
- No.

But if you were, would you tell me?

- Hello.
- Howdy.

Fight or flight? Fight or flight?

- Hey!
- Luke.

- This is George.
- Oh, we've met.

- And I'm Saul.
- Hi, Saul.

- You got what you need?
- Just about.

- Saul, did you get what you need?
- Just about.

Wow, I was this close to screaming
and siccing the dog on you.

How did you get the door closed?

- We're just about done.
- Done with what?

- Sizing the situation.
- What situation?

About how many silent joists
we need to carry out.

- What's a joist?
- The things that support the load.

- What load?
- The load from the extension.

Okay, this has officially become
the worst first draft of

"Who's On First" in history.

It's about enlarging the bedroom
to live here.

- Here? You want to live here?
- Sure.

I don't have a lot of stuff, and we just need
a little more closet space.

- A bigger bathroom, bigger bedroom.
- I always wanted a bigger bedroom.

Well, it looks like we can do it.

- Well, what about the Twickham house?
- Too damn big.

We can get along fine here for a while.
Maybe forever.

- It's a great house. You love this house.
- I do love this house.

I know. I figured that out
from your sudden interest

in laying down tracks
and becoming a painter.

Come down here so I can kiss you,
all of you.

We'll just be a minute.

You locked the door? Dude, come on.

I mean, I've got the key,
but I'm really curious how you did this.

Let's see what else.
"When you're eating in the mess hall,

"never reach across the prisoner
next to you.

"It's a provocation
that'll get you a fork in your hand."

I don't think
there's going to be a mess hall.

Well, wherever you're eating
that would apply.

What else? "Don't be arrogant."
But you're not arrogant.

"Don't let anyone give you anything
or lend you anything. Period.

"It can get you injured or killed
or turned out."

I'm not sure what "turned out" means,

- but they're very careful to warn you off it.
- Got it.

Now, "If somebody approaches you
with a shiv..."

- Do you know what a shiv is, Grandma?
- No, what is it?

It's like a crude knife,
carved from a soda can.

That must be why they advise you to
"Yell for a hack to come help you."

- What's a hack?
- Where did you get this, Grandma?

I had your grandfather's secretary
find me info

on interacting with fellow prisoners.

But we're not prisoners.
We're just doing community service.

They look like prisoners.

Well, you know, sitting here in the Jag,
staring at them

is probably not going
to help my popularity.

Oh, you're right. That's on the list, too.
Staring, it's bad.

You shouldn't do it
for more than one or two seconds.

I won't.

And they really emphasize that
you should "Keep your fight face at home."

I'm guessing that's
any sort of aggressive expression,

whether you're staring at the person
or not.

- Fight face. Remember that.
- Okay, I'll be fine, Grandma.

- Thanks for driving me.
- Wait. Here.

- That's better than a paper bag.
- Yes, it is.

- Oh, and here.
- Cigarettes?

To barter. It's currency to these people.

Thank you, Grandma.
I'll call you when I'm done.

Bye, now. And remember, don't stare.

Anyone want a smoke?

Then you've got to decide on your extras

- so we can slap up some molding.
- Yeah, molding is good.

- Lorelai will like that.
- She will. She will like that.

- Let's figure on molding of some kind.
- Good.

- Good.
- We can add a wainscot, too,

and we could do a lugged architrave
on the over door.

- Great.
- Oh, I love a lugged architrave.

- Liz.
- Oh, hi. I'm Liz.

- My sister.
- Hi, Liz.

- You're an architect, huh?
- Yep.

- How long have you been an architect?
- This is not your interview, Liz.

- Oh, I'm buttoning it now. Sorry.
- I need to go anyway, Luke.

What's your time frame here, George?

It's gonna take me
at least two weeks to draw up a plan.

- I'll keep you posted.
- Good deal.

- Good deal, George.
- I'll talk to you later.

What is wrong with you?

Well, I'm just excited about all this.
A new adventure.

But it's not your adventure.
It's my adventure.

You're in the employee section.

I want to talk to you
about something, Luke.

You've done nothing but talk
since you got here, why announce it now?

You're going to need a contractor
for your remodel, right?

- Yes.
- And you know who I'm married to.

- Yes.
- He'd be perfect for this.

- T.J.? He's not a contractor.
- Oh, but he is.

- Since when?
- Since he almost passed the test

for his contractor's license last month.

I mean, he was so close.

If he hadn't used all those curse words
during the written exam,

- he'd have had it.
- He used curse words?

When he's enthusiastic about something
he gets very foul.

But I blame his mother.

She has got a mouth on her,
garbage mouth.

I don't think he can do the job, Liz.

But, my brother,
he's working so hard for his license.

You should see him. It is so cute.

He sits up in bed at night,
poring through his books and his manuals.

He's got this system

where he reads a chapter
then rewards himself with a Junior Mint.

It's been working great for him.

There is no way in the world
that he is getting this job, Liz.

But what about the shelves he made you?
I thought you liked them.

They're just shelves.

What happened to the little boy in you?

Look, the shelves are nice,
but this is a big job.

Lorelai loves this house.
This is a great house.

- Luke, his life depends on it.
- How?

Because if he doesn't get his ass
out of the house and work more,

- I'm gonna kill him.
- There's a housing boom out there.

There's plenty of work
for a good carpenter like T.J.

But every time he interviews for jobs,
he starts cursing.

He can't help it.

People mistake it
for him being weird or something.

- Imagine that.
- Please, big brother, for your little sister.

- Liz.
- Just don't say "no."

Okay? Just think about it.

- I don't need to think about it.
- For me, think about it.

Okay, fine.
I won't say "no" for the time being.

Yes! Thank you.

That's all I needed
was a big fat "not a no."

Whatever.

Sorry.

- Watch it.
- Sorry.

So, it's an omelet, a side of bacon...

What kind of cheese do you have?

I've got your basics, Swiss, cheddar, jack...

Hey, what? What? Hey!
Lorelai, what are you doing?

Lorelai? This is weird, okay?

Come on, what's wrong?
Lorelai, say something.

- Hole!
- How?

- Hole, hole.
- I know it's a hole. How did it happen?

- Dirt.
- What?

- Dirt, bed, dirt, hole.
- Okay, speak in sentences, come on.

- You found this when you got home.
- Yes, a big hole!

- It was sledgehammered.
- With a very big sledgehammer.

God, who would...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Him.
- Who?

- Him.
- What him?

- Kill.
- Kill who?

- T.J.
- T.J. did this?

- Who else?
- What do you mean "who else"?

Why would T.J. come over to my house
and sledgehammer my bedroom?

- Damn it, Liz!
- What did Liz do?

She worked me over.
She begged me to hire T.J.

- as the contractor on the remodel.
- T.J. is a contractor?

No. And I said, "No,"

but she made me promise
to think about it.

And then she sat in the diner,
staring at me.

And then she started to cry,
so I kicked her out.

And then she went outside and cried,
so I could see it through the window.

And I couldn't take it anymore,
so I said, "Okay,"

knowing we had weeks
to figure out how to get out of it.

And no work could be done
'cause George hadn't made up the plans.

And, in the meantime,
T.J. could've changed occupations,

or injured himself
bouncing up and down on his trampoline

and backed out of the job.

But how could you risk saying okay
to anything with T.J.?

Did I mention the crying?
Liz is a walking tear duct.

T.J.'s good. You never see what's coming.

Like a big, dumb tsunami. He's that good.

- So, what do we do?
- I'm gonna talk to T.J.

But I'm gonna be smart about it,
I'm not gonna spook him.

I'm gonna be like Michael Corleone,

dealing with that
slimy brother-in-law of his.

Get a couple of tickets to a ballgame,
invite him along.

Then we'll talk about the beer
and the hot dogs we're gonna eat.

And then I'm gonna get him to admit
that he did this.

And then when we get in the car
on the way to the ballpark,

I'm gonna put a rope around his neck
and pull it till he's dead.

- Wait, wait. You're in the backseat?
- Yep. Best for garroting, yes.

No, he's totally gonna smell
something fishy if you hop in the backseat.

Especially if you're driving.

No, he's not that bright. It'll work.

Why are you even buying the tickets?

You could just sneak up on him
and garrote him on the street.

- Save you the money.
- I can still go to the game the other way.

I'll take my friend Ed.
He hasn't been to a game in ages.

You're in no state
to deal with T.J. right now.

Maybe not.

And we need to do something
about the fact that my bedroom

- is on display for all to see.
- I know.

So let's figure out what we need
to deal with the hole. First things first.

- You're right. We need tarp.
- Tarp.

- And some plywood.
- Plywood.

- Staple gun.
- Staple gun.

- Rope.
- You're not garroting T.J.

- Skip the rope.
- No rope.

- I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.

- I'm dumb.
- No, you're not.

- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, you're not.

Good night. See you again.

Sorry, kitchen's closed.

- Rory?
- Hi, Luke.

- Hi.
- So, kitchen's closed?

No, no, no. It's not closed. Come on in.

- Oh, no, I just figured...
- No. Yes, you figured right. Thank you.

So, it looks like the town's
been doing a little painting.

Yeah, Taylor wanted to spiff it up.
You know, those are his words.

Put these obnoxious signs up,

"Pardon our spiff, it'll just take a jiff."

- It's dumb.
- Yeah, dumb.

But it needed a spiff.

Yeah, it looks good.

- So, I started my community service.
- Right.

A little roadwork, vest and all.
Five hours down, 295 to go.

- It's good you're chipping away at it.
- Yeah.

So, how are people?

Are people good?

Yeah, people are good. People are...

Your mom and I are engaged.

Engaged?

Yeah.

Wow.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

So, I guess I'm gonna go.

Thank you for the coffee.

- T.J.
- Lorelai, hey.

- Am I glad to see you.
- It's, like, 7:00 a.m., T.J.

I know. The sun ain't even warm yet,
and here we are, toting that barge.

- Mr. Taskmaster.
- Who? Who has got you toting a barge?

Look. I need to explain my side
in the whole hole thing here.

- It wasn't my fault.
- It wasn't?

A guy says "okay,"
that means something to me.

You know what I mean?

It's not so complicated,
not like the TV Guide or nothing.

- It means "okay."
- It's really early, T.J.

Anyway, I just don't want you
to be mad at me.

We're gonna be related, you and me.

Well, I'm not mad at you, T.J.

- Hey, get away from her.
- We're just talking.

T.J., stop bothering her and get up here.

You want me to bring up
a couple more trash bags?

- I'm figuring we need some.
- Okay, fine.

Now, is that "okay"
in the sense that I know that word

or is that a Luke "okay" that can mean
whatever you want it to mean?

- Just get up here.
- He knew I was a self-starter.

Okay to a self-starter
is like glue to a horse.

What else can you do but start galloping?

- Hey, Luke?
- Yeah?

- Are you aware of the time?
- I'm just trying to make it

so that you don't have to sleep
on the couch

for the next three months.
If you want us to stop, we'll stop.

No, it's just the sun ain't even warm yet.

7:00 a.m. was Luke's idea.

I'd have started at 9:00,
so as not to bother people.

That's just one guy who thinks
that okay means okay's opinion.

Would you just keep working?

So, maybe tomorrow, if you're
still doing this, it could be 8:00-ish?

I mean, I love that you're doing it, but...

Yeah, I needed to start early
so I could get this done. Man!

- Hey, what's with the 'tude?
- Nothing.

It's just...
You know you got a Frisbee up here?

- A what?
- A Frisbee. Just sitting up here.

- I mean, what are you thinking with that?
- It's not my Frisbee.

So it just walked up here on its own?

Luke, there is a lost Frisbee on the roof
of every suburban home in America.

No less a luminary
than Garrison Keillor said that.

- It's not that big a deal.
- Every roof, huh?

- Well, that's a great use of plastic.
- It's not my Frisbee.

I've never played Frisbee.
What the hell has gotten into you?

I told Rory we were engaged.

What? How? Where?

She came into the diner last night.
It was awkward and stupid.

- I ended up telling her we were engaged.
- Why? Why would you do that?

Why? Because she had the face.

- What face?
- The Rory face. You know the face.

Yes, but, Luke,
you have to ignore the Rory face.

- That's easy for you to say.
- You shouldn't have told her.

Yeah, you should've told her.

No, she's not being told anything,
so neither of us should've told her.

But if one of us
isn't going to tell her more,

- then I'm the one that shouldn't.
- Right. Meaning not you.

- I should've told her.
- Then we're in full agreement.

- You should've told her.
- No, that's not what I'm saying.

But you said it and I agreed, so I win.

- How do you win?
- Because I have the high ground.

That gives me the upper hand
on anything you got.

- Luke.
- Something's wrong with this thing.

- There's nothing wrong with that thing.
- Luke!

Rory started this.
And right now, we're not talking.

Remember, tough love?
I'm on a path here.

She would've seen it
in the paper eventually.

- Seen what?
- Our engagement.

How would it have ended up in the paper?

I don't know.
She'd open up the paper to the back,

and there's these stupid pictures
of a guy and a girl.

Bill's a chiropractor, Nancy's a teacher.
They met square dancing.

They're on their honeymoon in Florida.

And they got these smiles on their faces

like their lives are gonna work out the way
they dreamt or something, suckers!

Those things.

You played right into her hands.
You can't do that.

She can't just play on our emotions.
She has to undo what she's done,

get out of my parents' house,
go back to school.

Fine. Maybe I shouldn't have
told her anything.

Maybe I should've kicked her out,
ignored her, whatever.

But you got to understand something,
I'm in the middle.

Yeah, she's your daughter,
but I'm in the middle.

I know. You are in the middle.

Good, because you've been acting
like you don't know.

- Like you're alone in this or something.
- I know.

And I know you don't want
my opinion on this,

but you're both being dumb
and you should be talking. There.

I won't say anything more
about any of this again ever.

T.J., the screw's not going in right

'cause you got the drill
on counterclockwise.

- It's righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
- I gotta remember that.

All right, I got to get back to work.

We're gonna be done
with what we're doing here today.

- We won't be here tomorrow.
- Luke?

- We're okay.
- Good.

Nice catch.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

Righty-tighty.

Okay, guys, 10 minutes to lunch.

Break it up, break it up.
Come on, break it up!

You're on the side of the road,
cars rushing by, trucks, tractor-trailers.

You see my point?
That's not a playground out there.

It's a work environment
with inherent dangers, obvious dangers,

and there you are
pushing someone around.

That's unacceptable.

Now, I cannot have you out there
with your fight face on.

- Do you understand me?
- Yes, sir.

What's the problem?

We're gonna need another thing of bags
for this next stretch.

Well, then, you're gonna have to check
back on the bus.

Thanks for nothing.

- Repaying your debt to society, I assume.
- That's what this is.

- System already hardened you?
- So, I guess congratulations are in order.

- So, how are things at the new digs?
- You guys set a date yet?

- Grandma redecorate the pool house yet?
- Be sure to send me a picture.

Be sure to send me
a change-of-address card.

Grandma can print them out for you
with a little fleur-de-lis.

I'm not supposed to be
talking to outsiders.

Fine.

You and Luke getting engaged
and not telling me about it.

- You hurt me.
- Back at you.