Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Party's Over - full transcript
Luke tries to smooth things over with Liz and TJ when they stress out about buying a house in Stars Hollow. When Emily learns Rory and Dean are dating again, she calls a temporary truce with Richard to throw a party to introduce Rory to more suitable men. Dean realizes he isn't one of them, and Logan realizes he is.
- I smell meat. Is that meat?
- Why, yes, miss, it is meat.
He called me "miss. "
There's meat and a "miss. " I'm happy.
What's the occasion?
Well, I thought we might like some
appetizers with our cocktails tonight.
- Would we ever.
- The first batch is ready, sir.
Wonderful. On the table, please.
- My God, this smells good.
- I love a good steak on a stick.
- Me too.
- We should form a club.
- Steak-on-a-Stick club.
- We could have T-shirts made up.
Grandpa, I've never
seen you wear a T-shirt.
Well, I've just never found
a proper occasion.
- To the proper occasion.
- I'll drink to that.
I knew I smelled something.
You're barbecuing.
- So what?
- So what?
The agreement was the girls have
drinks with you and dinner with me.
We are having drinks.
Drinks and appetizers.
Those are not appetizers.
Those are skewers.
- Little skewers.
- Little, tiny skewers.
- This is not tiny.
- Mom, that's mine. I-
This is a main course...
and a cheap way of cheating me
out of my dinner.
You are the most paranoid woman
I've ever met.
I highly doubt that.
You were the one who designated
the drinks portion...
of the evening to me.
- You love drinks.
- Drinks last one hour at most.
Then you get the dinner portion,
which can last several hours...
especially the way you structure things.
You get more time.
I should at least be able to serve
appetizers with my drinks.
Fine. I'll leave.
Have your drinks and your appetizers.
You two better be hungry
when you get inside or else.
Or else.
- Sounds serious.
- So one more?
- Well, two more at the most.
- Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.
- Something wrong?
- No, why? Why?
- You're not eating.
- No, I'm eating.
- You've taken two bites.
- Two really big bites.
- Rory's taken none.
- I did. You just missed it.
- You're full.
- No.
He can't stick to a simple agreement.
He makes deals all the time in business,
but drinks there, dinner here...
somehow, that's too difficult
for him to manage.
- He was just-
- He was trying to upstage me.
He was trying to make his part
of the evening, the fun part.
He's a child, a spoiled 4-year-old.
I should take his dump truck away
and send him to bed without supper...
or, as he calls it, "appetizers. "
Mom, seriously, we are starving.
Look. Wow.
- Eat some carrots. Eat some carrots.
- Carrots. Delicious.
Well, if you're both that hungry,
you must want more.
Olga, good timing. The girls are famished.
Load them up.
- Lorelai.
- What? It's not me.
It's me, Grandma. I'm sorry. Okay.
I have to take this. I promise I'll be quick.
Hello? Hi. No, now is fine.
- Who is she talking to?
- How should I know?
You're the one who taught her to leave
her phone on at the table.
That's for safety, Mom...
in case someone forces her
to eat five chickens...
and she has to call 911.
- She's talking to a boy, isn't she?
- I don't know.
Certainly sounds
like she's talking to a boy.
- Does she have a new boyfriend?
- Mom.
- Did she finally meet someone at Yale?
- I don't know.
Oh, of course you know.
Because I'm the one who taught her
to leave her cell phone on at the table?
- Sorry, Grandma. It won't happen again.
- That's all right.
- So, who were you talking to?
- Dean, you remember Dean?
- The boy who made you the car?
- Yup.
I didn't know you were still seeing him.
- Well, we got back together recently.
- Really?
- Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?
- I know. I'm floored.
He's been working crazy shifts lately...
and I've had so much schoolwork
that we keep missing each other...
so I told him to call me tonight.
Well, thank you for telling me.
I'm just glad I got to hear it from you...
and didn't have to pick it up
on the street somewhere.
'Cause you hang out on
the street so often, Mom...
- you and Melrose Larry Green.
- So, are you happy with this Dean?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, good.
Now, eat up.
We have the fish course coming.
- The fish course?
- Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.
Oh, well, what a delightful skill.
Grandma's mean.
If it flew, swam, or crawled on this Earth,
we just ate it.
- I can't breathe.
- What was that for?
- Why'd you tell my mother about Dean?
- What do you mean?
I was totally covering for you
with the phone call...
and then you waltz back in
and just tell her?
- My arm is swelling up.
- You were totally off the hook.
I was very skillfully covering for you.
Well, not skillfully...
but there was a certain aplomb
to my evasiveness.
I'm not going to lie to Grandma
about Dean. Why should I?
- 'Cause she's her.
- Mom, I am with Dean.
She's already met him.
Grandpa's already met him.
What is the problem
besides this permanent welt on my arm?
All right, fine.
You know, I'm actually hungry.
We need to talk.
The man at table three wants to send
an orange juice...
to the woman at table four.
As long as he's paying.
If someone who wants to eat
comes in here...
- I'm outie. I got it.
- Thank you.
Hey, Lane.
- Hi, a potential hookup at table four.
- Oh, wow. Diner love.
"Over easy" takes on
a whole new meaning.
- Hey, Liz!
- Hey!
- I didn't know you were back.
- Yeah, just cruised in.
- Well, how are you? How's TJ?
- He's great. He's gotten taller.
- I'm so glad to hear it.
- So, you and my brother, huh?
- Yeah, well...
- I'm so jazzed. I want private details.
- Tell her nothing.
- Really, nothing?
Not even about
your Canadian Mountie hat?
Liz, you have been sitting there
for over an hour.
- I know. I'm almost done.
- What're you doing?
TJ and I are thinking
about buying a winter place...
something nice for when the
Renaissance Faire season's over.
- You're moving to Stars Hollow?
- No.
Thinking about it.
There's some great places for sale
around here.
They're not for sale. They've all been sold.
Plus, there's a few stores around here...
that are willing to sell
my jewelry on consignment...
and I'd like a house, you know,
with a fence and a lawn.
No lawns in Stars Hollow.
We had them taken out.
Hey, how much did you pay
for your house?
Don't ask her that.
You can't ask people questions like that.
- Why not?
- 'Cause you can't.
Don't tell her how much you paid
for your house.
- You don't want to live here.
- Yes, I do.
- It's too quiet for you.
- I like quiet.
You do not like quiet.
TJ does not like quiet.
He likes monster trucks and baboons
that get really mad at the zoo.
That's true. He does like that.
Luke, stop. You're gonna like living
so close to your family.
Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy
living so close to yours.
- What can I get you?
- Nothing looks good.
- I'll make you a burger.
- I don't want a burger.
Make her your gumbo.
He makes the most amazing gumbo.
You make gumbo?
- And great Mexican food.
- Really?
Makes his own tortillas.
Gotta make your own tortillas.
The ones in the package are crap.
And garlic soup and paella.
He was really into lasagna for a while,
got obsessed...
made hundreds of lasagnas
trying to find the perfect recipe.
- He wore an apron-
- Okay, Liz, you don't even live here yet.
Fine. I gotta bail, anyhow.
TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.
- Lorelai, it was great seeing you again.
- You, too.
Later, bro.
- You've been holding out on me.
- What?
- Paella, gumbo, Lasagna King.
- You know, I have many talents, okay?
I know.
I mean, the way you keep that Mountie hat
perfectly balanced the entire time we're-
Okay, see,
if you keep making Mountie-hat jokes...
you're going to eventually believe that
there's an actual Mountie hat.
Well, I'm very impressed
or at least I would be if I had any proof...
of these extraordinary cooking skills
of yours.
Okay, I'm gonna cook you
the most amazing meal of your life.
This weekend?
Stop making the Mountie jokes,
and you're on.
- Deal. Blueberry muffin to go.
- You got it.
You're still picturing me in a Mountie hat,
aren't you?
- How do I look?
- I'll tell you this weekend.
You cannot put those flyers in here.
I'm surprised my mother told you
that you could, but you can't...
so go stand on a street corner
like I had to do ages 6 through 14.
Go.
- What?
- I'm so hungry.
- What?
- It's flaxseed muffin month.
Flaxseed muffin in the morning.
Flaxseed muffin at night.
I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
- Okay, come here.
- Not fast, please.
- Sit.
- She made a lot food with flaxseed.
It last very long time.
Here
- What are these?
- Fries.
But, Mrs. Kim, she says the fries
are the devil's starchy fingers.
They're hot and delicious,
and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
But they are gateway food.
They lead to harder things:
pizza, movie popcorn,
deep-fried Snickers bars...
Welcome to America.
So now I've got three days to do this
comparative religions paper...
and the teaching fellow
who runs our group...
spends all his time explaining to us...
how much he disagrees
with the professor...
and what are you looking at?
- That guy over there is staring at me.
- Which guy?
- The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.
- Professor Prady?
He'll hear you.
You think professor Prady
is looking at you?
He's more than looking at me.
God, this is so annoying.
Ever since word leaked out
about me and Asher...
every faculty member over 50
thinks I'm easy.
- Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.
- You are so naive.
He's practically licking his lips.
You sleep with one old guy...
and, suddenly,
you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Hello?
- Rory, it's your grandmother.
- Oh, hey, Grandma.
- Your grandfather is here also.
- Hello, Rory, how are you?
- Fine, Grandpa, and you?
- We're wonderful. Thank you for asking.
Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school...
but next Friday,
your grandfather and I agreed...
to host a little Yale alumni event
at our house.
It completely slipped our minds
the other night.
So we'll have to cancel our usual
Friday-night dinner.
Oh. That's okay.
However, we were wondering
if maybe you'd like to come.
Me?
The alumni like to meet
the new generation of Elis...
and, plus, we'd love to be able to
show you off...
to all our friends, wouldn't we, Emily?
- Yes, we would.
- You might even make a few connections...
that could come in handy
somewhere down the road.
Please, come.
We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix...
and I promise you
there won't be any chicken.
Or steak on a stick.
Well, sure, I'd love to come.
Wonderful. Your grandmother and I
are thrilled.
Is it fancy? What should I wear?
- Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.
- And bring that face.
The face comes with the package.
And Rory,
I know you usually come at 7:00...
but could you make it at 6:00 instead?
-6:00 is fine.
- We'll see you Friday.
- See you Friday.
- What's going on Friday?
My grandparents are having a party.
Oh, damn it. Dean Treadwell just came in.
He's been throwing sex daggers
out of his eyes at me all week.
- Hello.
- Good morning.
- Chili fries. Extra cheese and onions.
- Thank you.
- Didn't you just say grace?
- Yes, but that was for the soda.
Kyon, tip: If you pray over
every single separate thing you eat...
you might never be able to leave the table.
Breakfast will run into lunch,
which will run into dinner.
- I'm telling God I'm thankful.
- He gets it.
Do a blanket thank you and move on.
We got free passes
for Tory's band on Saturday.
- No, seriously?
- Totally seriously.
All we have to do is carry the equipment,
and we are in.
Okay, cool. You're jazzed.
I'll tell him it's a go?
- It's a total go.
- You free for dinner tonight?
- We'll discuss it when I get home.
- Okay, bye.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.
- You're what?
I am in escrow.
I got the paperwork to prove it.
- What is he talking about?
- We bought a house.
- What?
- It's beautiful. White.
But you just started looking.
I know. We bought the first home we saw.
- Oh, Liz.
- No, I'm telling you...
I walked into this place and just felt it.
- Felt what?
- The vibe.
That's right. She felt the vibe,
and now I'm in escrow.
Did you at least have an inspector
look at this place?
We don't need some guy with a clipboard
to tell us what we already knew...
which was this white house was for us.
Please, don't be worried about this.
The place is great.
It's on a corner. It's got room for a pool.
It's air-conditioner-ready.
It's landscaper-ready. It's alarm-ready.
And it's got three bedrooms
if you build on two.
- It's got a roof, right?
- Of course, it's got a roof.
And as soon as we replace it,
it won't leak as much.
- Just be happy, okay?
- Oh, sure.
That's right, buddy.
Smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow.
Coffee on the house.
You like that, "on the house"?
You're paying for coffee
for the entire diner?
What, am I made of money? I'm in escrow.
Throw in the coffee, buddy.
We're celebrating.
I got it.
You're not really bugged
we're moving here, are you?
Does he even know
what "escrow" means?
I doubt it, but he's so happy.
I'm in escrow. Give it up, sister.
I'm in escrow.
- So, you're off the hook.
- Off the hook for what?
Friday night,
Grandma and Grandpa are having a party...
for their Yale alumni friends.
- Really? This is news.
- So you're free as a bird.
Wow, Friday night without my mother.
I don't know if I can deal.
You might have to come over
and force-feed me pickled herring...
and tell me what a disappointment I am.
Hey, you want to go to the movies?
- Can't. I'm going to the party.
- What?
They asked me to.
- Okay. I can get you out of it.
- Mom.
Hold on just a moment.
Let me formulate a plan.
I don't need you to formulate a plan.
I want to go.
You don't want to go.
You feel obligated to go.
- It's very different.
- Mom, they're giving the party together.
Oh, I got it. Transfer to Harvard.
- Then you won't be invited.
- Are you listening?
Rory, they're just manipulating you.
Yes, exactly: them.
Both of them. Together.
They called me together.
They were on the speakerphone together...
which means that they were in the
same room, at the same time, together.
So what you're saying is
they were together?
- Exactly.
- Whose antennae are up besides mine?
- Maybe they made up.
- They would have told us.
- They didn't tell us they broke up.
- But that's because it looked bad.
They didn't tell people
I was pregnant until my eighth month.
My mother kept getting
numbers for fat farms from her friends.
They sounded so happy.
They sounded like they used to.
- Are you sure you want to go?
- I'm sure.
All right. Don't let Grandpa
and his cronies...
make you sing
Whiffenpoof songs all night.
- I won't.
- I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you on Friday.
How about I come by after?
I can stay the night.
And then you could take me shopping
on Saturday.
- I'm the lucky girl.
- Okay, bye.
Hey, Amir,
where's this month's Guitar Magazine?
- I wasn't done reading it yet.
- You buy it, then you read.
What kind of bogus system is that?
It's the bogus system called
"this is a magazine stand...
"where people come to buy,
not hang out and read for free. "
It's a long freaking name
for your bogus system, buddy.
You!
You dirty, filthy devil boy!
You will pay for this!
You will burn in the hellfire for this!
You will swim in the sludge
with Satan's hell dogs...
and feed them your innards for eternity!
Is this about the magazine?
She is an innocent girl,
and you are a wild pig of filth!
I know. I know all you do!
You think you can hide from me...
that you can carry on your dirty,
filthy schemes without me finding out?
- I'm really, really lost right now.
- I heard about it. Kyon told me.
She told me about your hands on Lane.
You put your hands on Lane. My Lane!
And before God, I swear
that you will be punished.
Because that is what happens
to all swine that walk up tall.
Okay, so, we have today,
for your dining pleasure...
a choice of sandwiches,
all fairly fresh, though slightly dented...
so as to afford me
the 80% employee discount...
that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.
He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.
We have a battered chicken salad...
a bruised tuna salad...
a ham that survived the
creamed-corn assault of 2004...
and something gray.
- Toss that.
- Got you.
Well, this is a very nice spread
you've assembled here.
Well, when you're dating an Ivy League
girl, you have to pull out all the stops.
- Chip pieces?
- Yes, please.
- I'm glad we got to do this today.
- Me, too.
We haven't been able to see
each other much lately.
Well...
we're here now, right?
Yeah, right.
- Hey, did you ever read my story?
- Which story?
- The one about the Life and Death Brigade.
- Yeah, I did.
- Do you like it?
- I did like it.
I like everything you write.
Do you think I painted the picture
interestingly enough?
Because I tried to be objective
to a certain extent...
but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to
have some human spark, you know?
- I thought it was good.
- Nothing specific, though?
You're the writer.
I can't critique these things.
I just know that I read it
and I was interested.
Well, that's what counts.
Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.
- Let's talk about tonight.
- Okay.
I'm going over
to my grandparents' at 6:00.
I figure I'll go in, make the rounds,
say hello, eat a cheese puff...
then you can meet me
outside the house at 8:30...
and we can hit a movie in Hartford
or something.
I don't want you ducking out
of your grandparents' party early...
if it's gonna be a big thing.
- Don't you want to get together with me?
- You know I do.
Okay, then. No more talk.
It's settled. 8:30, out front.
I'll be the one in the party dress
with jeans in a purse.
I'll have to take a pretty big purse...
but desperate times
call for desperate actions.
- Deal?
- Deal.
How long have we got?
Fourteen minutes
till my lunch break's over.
Okay, then. Cheers.
- Bonjour.
- What's all this?
This is as close as you're gonna get
to me cleaning up tonight.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Man, something smells crazy good in here.
Oh, my god. What are you making?
Lamb-and-artichoke stew,
penne with pesto and potatoes...
roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia...
tomatoes stuffed
with bread crumbs and goat cheese...
and ricotta cheesecake...
with amaretto cookies
to go with your coffee.
- You're the perfect man.
- Thank you.
I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer...
- but it's not. It's you.
- Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
- You want some wine?
- Yes, please.
Okay, so, I brought...
a little ambience and a little Clooney.
- George?
- Rosemary.
Oh, my God. This is so great.
I mean, besides the fact
that it's an evening of you...
it's also the first Friday
in many, many moons...
that I'm not at my parents' house...
and that knowledge is giving me
a really warm, fuzzy feeling...
right about now.
Meaning that if, by some chance,
your meal winds up sucking...
I might not even notice.
Excellent to know. To the warm and fuzzy.
Perfect.
Time to add the artichokes.
It may have choked Artie,
but it ain't gonna choke me.
- Some Little Rascals humor there for you.
- I know.
You know?
You are the perfect man.
Just move them so people can navigate
around them comfortably.
Not that far apart. Not that far apart.
Good Lord, if someone needs
that much room to get around a chair...
they shouldn't be at a party.
They should be on a treadmill.
- Hey, Grandma.
- Rory. Oh, look at you.
Will you look at her? I said look at her!
- Isn't she beautiful?
- Yes, very beautiful.
I love this dress. Very elegant.
Thanks, Grandma.
The place looks wonderful.
There's too much blue.
It's Yale alumni.
There can't be too much blue.
Emily, I noticed the bartenders
weren't planning on using...
proper martini glasses.
Well...
Rory, how lovely you look tonight.
Doesn't she?
This dress is divine, but you know what?
My hairdresser's upstairs
in my bedroom right now.
Why don't you go on up and have her
do a little something with your hair?
- My hair?
- Just for kicks. Come on, I'll take you up.
- Richard, could you-
- I have it all under control.
Thank you. Come on.
Oh, you're home.
You want to talk about dinner?
Sure, or about how your mom
totally attacked me today.
- What?
- I'm standing out on the street...
in broad daylight...
and, like, out of nowhere, bam,
she was in my face, crazy and screaming.
Zach, slow down. I don't understand.
She cursed me, Lane.
What's not to understand?
She went on and on
about burning in hellfire...
and swimming in Satan's sludge
and hell dogs eating me...
and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.
I don't understand. Why would she-
'Cause she knows, okay?
She knows everything.
- She sees everything. You know that.
- She doesn't know everything, Zach.
She knows about you and me,
and she's sending me to hell for it...
and I gotta tell you, this is not cool.
This is not rock 'n' roll.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- I don't do parents. I'm not that guy.
Nobody brings me home to Mom
for a reason, okay?
I'm a total backseat, get-in-the-closet,
jump-out-the-window dude, all the way.
I just don't understand how she found out.
I mean, it's not like
she's ever seen us together, or...
I know who told her.
I can't do this. Crazy, scary, short chick
screaming at me on the street.
Zach, I'm sorry.
I promise, it will never happen again.
- I will take care of it.
- What about the hellhounds?
I will take care of the hellhounds, too.
'Cause "hellhounds" is a cool band name,
but the positive imagery stops there.
- I got it. It's done.
- Okay. Fine.
I gotta go walk by a church or something.
- Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.
- Yup.
You've been pilfering silverware
from the diner?
- It's my diner.
- Yes, but it's wrong.
You should have boundaries in your life.
Leave work at work.
You need a work life and a home life,
and the silverware is your work life.
I'm so telling Dr. Phil on you.
Luke, you in there? Open up. Luke!
What the-
- You're home. Good.
- Don't come in.
- She's your sister, Luke. Your sister.
- TJ, this is really not-
You know how many people
told me not to get married?
They said women make you crazy...
they burrow into your head,
and you can't get them out.
Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.
- How're you doing, TJ?
- I'm assuming you guys had a fight.
Not just a fight,
a whammo monster of a fight.
It was like Jake LaMotta...
and I was that blond chick
he was married to.
You'll make up. Bye.
I mean, you'd think I took a shot
at the Pope the way she talked to me!
I'm sorry I didn't hear
when she asked for the beer...
and preset station numbers
are there for a reason!
Okay, look at the table
and the candles, okay?
- This is not a good time.
- You're telling me? I'm in escrow.
- Okay, hold on. Go stir the sauce.
- Me? But I can't cook.
It's not cooking. It's stirring.
No, I'm not good with big spoons
unless there's ice cream on the end. Okay.
TJ, what is this all about?
She's crazy, man!
She goes nuts, and she yells at me like...
There's a register that her voice reaches
when she yells...
that only a freaking dog can hear,
but her face is so twisted and contorted...
that you know she's hit that register,
and it's amazing.
It should be on the Discovery Channel,
or something.
Excuse me.
How fast am I supposed
to be stirring here?
Just keep it from sticking.
Look, I am really sorry you had a fight,
but you're married now.
You can't run out every time
you have a disagreement.
- Now, go on back.
- I can't go back.
- TJ.
- I'm not ready.
- It's all too fresh!
- It's bubbling and turning brown.
- It's fine.
- But what constitutes sticking?
You can't ruin it.
I can. I have powers.
Once, the Barefoot Contessa
was making a souffl? and it fell.
She looked out the TV and said,
"Gilmore, was that you?"
You gotta go, man.
- Just let me hang out here.
- No!
Just for a little while,
right in here in the corner, very quiet.
You won't notice me at all.
Church mouse, buddy.
- I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
- I got it.
He just needs a minute.
Oh, yes, that's very nice. I love the lashes.
- Grandma, this is really nice, but-
- Just a little more cheeks.
Shouldn't we be getting down
to the party?
Yes, one more minute now.
Let's see here.
- This might do it.
- Grandma, I couldn't.
Diamond necklaces were invented
to be worn.
They're doing nobody any good
just sitting in a box.
- Perfect. Do you like it?
- Well, yes, it's beautiful, but-
- It needs earrings. I agree.
- No, it's fine on its own, really.
Your grandfather bought me
these earrings...
on our first trip to Denmark.
He swears he bought them off
the ne'er-do-well brother of the King...
who stole them from the Queen.
- Have you ever heard such a thing?
- No.
I have a wonderful idea.
Have you ever worn a tiara?
Well, when I was four.
- You look like a princess.
- Grandma, are you sure...
you want me wearing all this stuff?
They must be very expensive,
and if something should happen-
Nothing's going to happen,
and, yes, you look exactly the way...
I want my granddaughter to look
to all our guests.
- Shall we?
- Okay.
It's going to be a wonderful evening.
Everyone, here's Rory.
You look absolutely royal.
- It's probably the crown.
- Emily, you did a fine job.
Thank you, Richard.
Rory, I'd like you
to meet Min and Argus Head...
and their son Andrew.
Andrew, this is my granddaughter, Rory.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Andrew will be at Yale law next year.
- Isn't that wonderful?
- It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.
She's a pistol, this one.
Well, we need to make the rounds.
You two could talk more later.
- It was nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Rory, we'd like you
to meet Tiana and Chase Anderson...
and their son, Donnen.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- You, too.
Donnen is going to run
his father's shipping business one day.
Our own Aristotle Onassis
with infinitely better table manners.
Nothing's written in stone yet.
We'll see what sort of pension plan
the company has and then...
Rory's going to be a journalist,
take the world by storm.
- The two of you should talk later.
- Definitely.
- Okay, well-
- Oh, Rory.
Bunny and Napoleon Barnes,
and their son Kip.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi, Kip. It's nice to meet you.
- Kip is captain of the polo team.
- Hell of a player.
Give those Windsor boys
a run for their money.
William and Harry are good guys,
decent horsemen...
terrible bridge players.
Kip, will you excuse us for a minute?
I need to talk to my grandparents.
It was nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Barnes.
- Make sure you two talk later.
- Yes, ma'am.
Yes, Rory?
- Are you enjoying the party?
- The party's very nice, Grandma.
I was just wondering...
do your alumni friends
have any daughters?
Daughters? What do you mean?
Well, I was just noticing
that there are a lot of boys here...
but not that many girls.
Really? Why, I hadn't noticed.
- Did you notice, Emily?
- Why, no, I hadn't.
Well, I will have to pay more attention
to the guest list next time...
- won't I, Richard?
- Yes, you will.
I promise you, we will throw another party
just for our friends with girls.
- But in the meantime-
- The Campbell boy is here.
Oh, good. Let's go.
Campbell, like the soup.
Oh, my God. This is good.
I mean, this is seriously good.
Glad you like it.
- How you doing, TJ?
- I just need a minute.
- He said that 35 minutes ago.
- Well, he's not crying now, so-
- I want him to leave.
- I know. He will.
You sure there's nothing I can do for you?
- Just 30 seconds. That should do it.
- Would you like something to eat, TJ?
Why are you asking him
if he wants something to eat?
He's been sitting there for a half an hour.
He might be hungry.
He said 30 seconds. You're gonna make
the 30 seconds go longer.
- TJ, we've got plenty.
- That's very kind of you, Lorelai.
I appreciate it,
being in escrow and everything.
But I don't want to interrupt your evening.
As soon as I gather myself, I'll be going.
Ten more minutes?
Look, you can go AMG,
but you're still going stock Mercedes.
Okay, are you seriously knocking
493 horses at 6,100 rpm...
coming out of a 5.5 liter, 24-valve V-8?
- Okay, let's say you go with the SL55.
- I'm sorry.
Would you all excuse me for just a-
Yeah, sure. So, the SL55.
Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.
For all this?
- I told you.
- You told me what?
Whatever is happening at that party
you got roped into tonight, I told you.
Do you want to hear,
or do you just want to gloat?
Well, I'm a multitasker.
So I get here, and Grandma
immediately whisked me upstairs...
where her hairdresser
and her makeup artist...
are waiting to make a new me.
'Cause the old you is so last season.
Then I come downstairs
to find that the guests...
are all Yale friends
of Grandma and Grandpa...
and their sons.
- What?
- No girls. All boys and me.
- You're kidding.
- Nope. I feel like I'm being auctioned off.
- They suck. My parents suck.
- This is a very silly picture.
They know you're with Dean
'cause, by the way, you told them.
It's okay. I just thought you'd like to know.
- Do you have a pencil?
- Why?
Because there are 12 ways out
of that house that they don't know about.
Write this down. First, the basement.
It's a little dusty but almost foolproof.
If you can't get there...
grab a screwdriver and jimmy
the back of my mother's closet.
- There's a false back.
- Mom.
And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet,
the second guest bathroom window...
opens out onto the massive elm,
and you could shimmy right down.
I am not going to shimmy.
I don't need to sneak out.
It's fine. Dean is picking me up at 8:30.
- I can manage till then.
- They played you, kid.
- Yeah, I know.
- I hate that they did that.
Well, it's done. Okay, I should go.
In this crowd, they will definitely
notice me missing. I'll see you later.
- Bye, hon.
- What's the matter?
Nothing a little patricide won't solve.
Oh, hello, I'd like
to speak to Richard and Emily.
I'd like to speak to
Richard and Emily Gilmore.
Is there someone there who speaks
English? I hear English in the background.
Oh, right there, I heard the word "salmon. "
Could you pass the phone
to the person who said "salmon"?
"Salmon. " It's a fish. It swims...
- Is he here?
- Yes. Get him out, please.
- Emily Gilmore. Se?ora Emily Gilmore.
- TJ, come on. Let's go.
- I cannot deal with you right now.
- You can't just barge in here like this.
I did not barge.
Do not accuse me of barging.
- You are ruining their evening.
- No, I am not. I'm just sitting here.
I'm not saying anything.
Okay, will you two
just go downstairs and talk, please?
- You are unbelievable, you know that?
- I do, as a matter of fact!
I hadn't even come out of the bedroom,
and you'd gone!
I wasn't gonna stick around
so you could yell at me.
Okay, this is enough!
The both of you
just have to shut up right now!
- I've got neighbors.
- You don't even have your shoes on.
- I've got shoes on.
- You've got my shoes on!
Oh, so I guess all that
"what's mine is yours"...
- was just a bunch of crap, also!
- You know what?
I am fed up with you and the drama!
I can't take it! My head's gonna explode...
from all your freaking scenes
and your tantrums.
- My tantrums?
- I cannot look at you.
Liz, what are you...
You go get her out of there.
Nope, that's exactly what she wants.
- Okay, never mind. I'll call back. Bye.
- TJ.
Damn, I had almost gotten
myself together.
- Now I have to start all over.
- She's in the bathroom.
Okay, you go try to calm him down,
and I'll see if I can talk to her.
You were right. Having family near is fun.
Rory?
I'm Jordan.
Your grandmother sent me over here.
Apparently, we're made for each other.
Oh, gee. Well, how convenient.
There's nothing like having your family
playing matchmaker.
- How old are you?
- Me? I'm almost 20.
All right, good.
Just making sure everything's legal.
- You need a drink?
- No, not a drink.
Why? Do you get a little crazy
when you drink?
- Yes, that's it.
- I'd like to see that.
Rory, there you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm late. I'm sorry. Don't be mad.
Logan Huntzberger.
Jordan Chase.
Good to meet you.
Thanks for keeping my girl busy.
If you hadn't, she would've noticed
exactly how late I am...
and then she might've left,
and that would've been very, very bad.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry. You're with her?
- Going on a year and a half.
Great, then what the hell am I doing here?
Thank you.
- You looked cornered.
- I was.
Well, I'm glad to be of service.
- Man, I hate these parties.
- Not really my bag, either.
But at least the bar is stocked...
and I must say,
your grandmother has excellent food.
- Wait, my grandmother?
- Logan, how are you, son?
- I'm very well, sir, and yourself?
- I'm fit as a fiddle. It's good to see you.
- Are your parents here?
- Wandering around here somewhere.
Mom is obsessed
with Emily's new draperies.
Yes, Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics.
All right, Rory,
since I see that you are in capable hands...
I will make another round
and end up at the bar.
- It's been good to see you, Richard.
- Good to see you, Logan.
You know my grandparents.
My folks are good friends
with Richard and Emily.
Okay, so, lesson one
in coping with painfully boring parties:
- Form a sub-party.
- Where are you going?
- Finn!
- Finn's here?
Finn!
- You rang?
- Time for a change of venue.
Oh, fantastic.
Do I know you?
- Is my mother here?
- No, she's at Mrs. Cho's house.
Mrs. Cho thinks that she lost her faith,
and Mrs. Kim went to give it back to her.
Good. Why did you rat me out
to my mother?
- Rat you out?
- You told her about Zach.
- The boy you hugged?
- Yes, you told her.
I'm just a little mystified
as to, well, why you would do that.
- Mrs. Kim has taken me in.
- No, I took you in.
You came to me starving,
and I gave you fries.
- You did like the fries, right?
- Very, very much.
Okay, so, that is what we call here
in America a bonding thing.
I gave you the fries...
and you are not supposed to tell on me
to my mother.
- But what am I supposed to do?
- Nothing. You say nothing and do nothing.
- But she would know.
- She would know what?
She would know I lie.
She would know I'm ungrateful
and I keep a secret from her.
- How would she know?
- She know.
- No, she no know. She's not magic.
- Yes, she is.
She read thoughts and hand gestures.
Come here.
If you want, I can help you.
Help me?
What do you do every Sunday
between noon and 4:00?
- I study.
- And then?
And then I wait for Mrs. Kim to get home...
from her Crochet for Christ group
with her sister.
Okay, and what do you do
while you're waiting?
Nothing. I sit quietly.
Okay. Now, wouldn't you rather,
let's say, watch some television...
while you're waiting
for my mother to get home?
- I cannot.
- Why?
Mrs. Kim does not want me
to watch the television.
- And how would she know?
- Because there's a little machine...
in the television set...
- that will tell her what I watch.
- Ha!
- What, "ha"?
- That machine does not exist.
- It does not?
- Nope.
Took me 15 years to figure it out,
but that's the truth.
So, she cannot know?
She also cannot smell fast food on you,
even after you've showered.
- She can't?
- And she can't tell...
how many times
you've opened your Bible...
- by staring at your palm.
- My head spins.
You don't have to hand out
all of those religious flyers she gives you.
Just post enough of them
around her regular route home...
- and she'll think the job is done.
- I think I need lie down.
It's a whole new world, Kyon...
a world I fought long and hard
to figure out...
and I'm willing
to pass all my knowledge on to you.
So, I can eat fries, watch TV...
if I get home early
from not giving out my flyers?
I wouldn't bring the fries into the house.
She has a really good nose.
But you're thinking big. And I respect that.
I can watch the TV.
Stick with me, kid...
and I'll have you wearing
lip gloss within a month.
Why don't you just talk to me?
Emily and Richard Gilmore. Oh, come on.
I know you speak English.
I heard you yell "salmon" earlier.
My mother put you up to this. Fine.
- What are they doing in there?
- Fighting?
And how long can you fight
in an 8 by 10 room?
Well, maybe they're not fighting.
Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
Thank you.
- Sorry about dinner.
- Dinner was great.
It was delicious and interactive.
How about this? How about this?
Okay, I don't know how long
this is gonna continue.
We could set fire to the place.
Smoke them out.
Listen, you don't have to sit here.
I'll deal with this. You go home.
- You sure?
- Yup.
They are my family.
Yippee. I'll deal with it.
You take this and go home...
and we will try again tomorrow.
Wow. My own cheesecake?
No man's ever given me
a whole cheesecake before.
You remember that.
Hey, maybe when I get home,
I'll stir something...
seeing as I'm so good at it.
Thanks for dinner.
Thank you for not being related to me.
- That came out wrong.
- No, I got it.
- Good night.
- Night.
Preset station numbers
are there for a reason!
Gilmore, your grandfather
has appalling taste in scotch.
I think you should go on inside
and tell him.
If he hasn't learned by now,
I certainly can't teach him.
Colin, make sure you refill
that bottle with something.
- Don't want Ace over here to get busted.
- I know. I know.
- Refill?
- Sure. Why not?
Because drinking is bad.
It's very, very bad,
and we're bad for doing it.
Spank me.
I think the hangover tomorrow
will be punishment enough.
She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan.
Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you,
I read the article.
- You did?
- Yup, not bad.
Thank you.
You caught the spirit of the thing.
I'll give you that.
- But-
- No, no buts. You got a good style.
There were a few too many similes in it
for my taste...
but it definitely had a little Joseph
Mitchell thing going for it. I liked it.
I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.
Are you?
- So, who's it gonna be?
- What?
Well, this shindig's
an obvious meat market.
I got the feeling your grandparents
are expecting you...
to choose someone tonight, so...
Oh, well...
Me. Pick me.
- No, pick me.
- Pick me.
- But I'm exotic.
- So is the Asian bird flu.
Wow. A roomful of guys
and still extremely slim pickings.
Well, I don't know.
It's a pretty tough choice.
Maybe I should let my boyfriend
help me choose.
- You have a boyfriend?
- I'm crushed.
Ain't it always the way?
- Do Richard and Emily know about this?
- Yeah, they do.
They're just trying to make sure
you got backup?
No, they're just... Oh, no. What time is it?
- It's crying time.
-8:45.
Dean is meeting me at 8:30.
- Where?
- Here Out front.
- Dean. Is this the boyfriend?
- Yes, it's the boyfriend.
- Well, we gotta see this guy.
- What?
See who the man is who's won your heart,
gotta make sure he's good enough.
- But-
- Let's go, boys.
You're the brother.
Coming?
Yeah!
Dean, hi. I'm sorry.
Have you been waiting long?
I didn't have a watch,
and we were in the pool house.
These are some friends.
They go to Yale with me...
and they know my grandparents.
The party was so boring, so we...
Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.
What am I doing here, Rory?
You're picking me up.
I don't belong here.
Not anymore...
do I?
Dean.
You look good.
You'll be okay.
No, I won't.
Okay, that's it.
Back to the pool house, men.
We have some serious bucking up
to do here.
- I swiped some scotch.
- I'll reenact The Passion of the Christ.
Come on, Ace.
Nothing ever seems quite as bad
after Finn's Passion of the Christ...
except Finn's Passion of the Christ.
Dude's got a little bit of a spanking thing!
- Gilmore residence.
- Hello?
Oh, you speak English. Thank God.
Is Emily Gilmore there, please?
It's for you, Mrs. Gilmore.
- Hello?
- Hi, Mom, it's me.
Well, hello, Lorelai. How are you?
I'm fine.
Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute?
- Your father's paying the caterers.
- Well, this will just take a minute.
Could you maybe go in the study
on the speakerphone...
- seriously, just one minute?
- All right, hold on.
All right, we're both here.
- Hello, Lorelai. What can we do for you?
- I just wanted to touch base with you...
about this little party
you threw for Rory tonight.
The party was not for Rory.
It was for our Yale alumni.
Oh, it was not.
It was a trick, and you know it...
and I know it,
so let's just know it together.
- What do you want, Lorelai?
- You lied to your granddaughter tonight.
You lied to a kid who trusted you.
You tricked her.
- It was a party.
- It was a mating ritual.
- What are you talking about?
- All boys, Mom?
Seriously? What is that all about?
It's good for her to interact with her peers.
Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase
of her life now...
and she needs to be exposed
to different things...
different people.
That's all we were trying to do.
- She has a boyfriend.
- Oh, so what?
So she has a boyfriend...
which means
she doesn't need another one.
She's 20 years old, Lorelai.
She is not going to be
with that boy forever.
That's right,
and when she's ready to move on...
she'll have met some nice young man...
who will represent
the new phase in her life.
I am sure
that Dean is a very nice young man...
but he is certainly not good enough
for Rory.
- That's right.
- Now she is young...
but young people need guidance...
and since you seem so little help
in this department...
we have to step in.
Well, step on out again
because this is none of your business.
Lorelai, I am tired.
And the caterers have caked the floor
with something sticky...
and I don't have time for this.
We want more for her, period.
Now, obviously, it's too late for you,
but it is not too late for Rory.
And we are going to make sure
she has the life she deserves.
It doesn't matter what you think of me.
Rory will choose her own path in life...
and there's nothing
either one of you can do about it.
- I'm hanging up.
- Well, me, too.
Did you listen to him at all?
Did you hear a word he said?
Whoa, hey! So you need some help there?
Bye.
English
- Why, yes, miss, it is meat.
He called me "miss. "
There's meat and a "miss. " I'm happy.
What's the occasion?
Well, I thought we might like some
appetizers with our cocktails tonight.
- Would we ever.
- The first batch is ready, sir.
Wonderful. On the table, please.
- My God, this smells good.
- I love a good steak on a stick.
- Me too.
- We should form a club.
- Steak-on-a-Stick club.
- We could have T-shirts made up.
Grandpa, I've never
seen you wear a T-shirt.
Well, I've just never found
a proper occasion.
- To the proper occasion.
- I'll drink to that.
I knew I smelled something.
You're barbecuing.
- So what?
- So what?
The agreement was the girls have
drinks with you and dinner with me.
We are having drinks.
Drinks and appetizers.
Those are not appetizers.
Those are skewers.
- Little skewers.
- Little, tiny skewers.
- This is not tiny.
- Mom, that's mine. I-
This is a main course...
and a cheap way of cheating me
out of my dinner.
You are the most paranoid woman
I've ever met.
I highly doubt that.
You were the one who designated
the drinks portion...
of the evening to me.
- You love drinks.
- Drinks last one hour at most.
Then you get the dinner portion,
which can last several hours...
especially the way you structure things.
You get more time.
I should at least be able to serve
appetizers with my drinks.
Fine. I'll leave.
Have your drinks and your appetizers.
You two better be hungry
when you get inside or else.
Or else.
- Sounds serious.
- So one more?
- Well, two more at the most.
- Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.
- Something wrong?
- No, why? Why?
- You're not eating.
- No, I'm eating.
- You've taken two bites.
- Two really big bites.
- Rory's taken none.
- I did. You just missed it.
- You're full.
- No.
He can't stick to a simple agreement.
He makes deals all the time in business,
but drinks there, dinner here...
somehow, that's too difficult
for him to manage.
- He was just-
- He was trying to upstage me.
He was trying to make his part
of the evening, the fun part.
He's a child, a spoiled 4-year-old.
I should take his dump truck away
and send him to bed without supper...
or, as he calls it, "appetizers. "
Mom, seriously, we are starving.
Look. Wow.
- Eat some carrots. Eat some carrots.
- Carrots. Delicious.
Well, if you're both that hungry,
you must want more.
Olga, good timing. The girls are famished.
Load them up.
- Lorelai.
- What? It's not me.
It's me, Grandma. I'm sorry. Okay.
I have to take this. I promise I'll be quick.
Hello? Hi. No, now is fine.
- Who is she talking to?
- How should I know?
You're the one who taught her to leave
her phone on at the table.
That's for safety, Mom...
in case someone forces her
to eat five chickens...
and she has to call 911.
- She's talking to a boy, isn't she?
- I don't know.
Certainly sounds
like she's talking to a boy.
- Does she have a new boyfriend?
- Mom.
- Did she finally meet someone at Yale?
- I don't know.
Oh, of course you know.
Because I'm the one who taught her
to leave her cell phone on at the table?
- Sorry, Grandma. It won't happen again.
- That's all right.
- So, who were you talking to?
- Dean, you remember Dean?
- The boy who made you the car?
- Yup.
I didn't know you were still seeing him.
- Well, we got back together recently.
- Really?
- Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?
- I know. I'm floored.
He's been working crazy shifts lately...
and I've had so much schoolwork
that we keep missing each other...
so I told him to call me tonight.
Well, thank you for telling me.
I'm just glad I got to hear it from you...
and didn't have to pick it up
on the street somewhere.
'Cause you hang out on
the street so often, Mom...
- you and Melrose Larry Green.
- So, are you happy with this Dean?
- Yes, I am.
- Well, good.
Now, eat up.
We have the fish course coming.
- The fish course?
- Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.
Oh, well, what a delightful skill.
Grandma's mean.
If it flew, swam, or crawled on this Earth,
we just ate it.
- I can't breathe.
- What was that for?
- Why'd you tell my mother about Dean?
- What do you mean?
I was totally covering for you
with the phone call...
and then you waltz back in
and just tell her?
- My arm is swelling up.
- You were totally off the hook.
I was very skillfully covering for you.
Well, not skillfully...
but there was a certain aplomb
to my evasiveness.
I'm not going to lie to Grandma
about Dean. Why should I?
- 'Cause she's her.
- Mom, I am with Dean.
She's already met him.
Grandpa's already met him.
What is the problem
besides this permanent welt on my arm?
All right, fine.
You know, I'm actually hungry.
We need to talk.
The man at table three wants to send
an orange juice...
to the woman at table four.
As long as he's paying.
If someone who wants to eat
comes in here...
- I'm outie. I got it.
- Thank you.
Hey, Lane.
- Hi, a potential hookup at table four.
- Oh, wow. Diner love.
"Over easy" takes on
a whole new meaning.
- Hey, Liz!
- Hey!
- I didn't know you were back.
- Yeah, just cruised in.
- Well, how are you? How's TJ?
- He's great. He's gotten taller.
- I'm so glad to hear it.
- So, you and my brother, huh?
- Yeah, well...
- I'm so jazzed. I want private details.
- Tell her nothing.
- Really, nothing?
Not even about
your Canadian Mountie hat?
Liz, you have been sitting there
for over an hour.
- I know. I'm almost done.
- What're you doing?
TJ and I are thinking
about buying a winter place...
something nice for when the
Renaissance Faire season's over.
- You're moving to Stars Hollow?
- No.
Thinking about it.
There's some great places for sale
around here.
They're not for sale. They've all been sold.
Plus, there's a few stores around here...
that are willing to sell
my jewelry on consignment...
and I'd like a house, you know,
with a fence and a lawn.
No lawns in Stars Hollow.
We had them taken out.
Hey, how much did you pay
for your house?
Don't ask her that.
You can't ask people questions like that.
- Why not?
- 'Cause you can't.
Don't tell her how much you paid
for your house.
- You don't want to live here.
- Yes, I do.
- It's too quiet for you.
- I like quiet.
You do not like quiet.
TJ does not like quiet.
He likes monster trucks and baboons
that get really mad at the zoo.
That's true. He does like that.
Luke, stop. You're gonna like living
so close to your family.
Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy
living so close to yours.
- What can I get you?
- Nothing looks good.
- I'll make you a burger.
- I don't want a burger.
Make her your gumbo.
He makes the most amazing gumbo.
You make gumbo?
- And great Mexican food.
- Really?
Makes his own tortillas.
Gotta make your own tortillas.
The ones in the package are crap.
And garlic soup and paella.
He was really into lasagna for a while,
got obsessed...
made hundreds of lasagnas
trying to find the perfect recipe.
- He wore an apron-
- Okay, Liz, you don't even live here yet.
Fine. I gotta bail, anyhow.
TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.
- Lorelai, it was great seeing you again.
- You, too.
Later, bro.
- You've been holding out on me.
- What?
- Paella, gumbo, Lasagna King.
- You know, I have many talents, okay?
I know.
I mean, the way you keep that Mountie hat
perfectly balanced the entire time we're-
Okay, see,
if you keep making Mountie-hat jokes...
you're going to eventually believe that
there's an actual Mountie hat.
Well, I'm very impressed
or at least I would be if I had any proof...
of these extraordinary cooking skills
of yours.
Okay, I'm gonna cook you
the most amazing meal of your life.
This weekend?
Stop making the Mountie jokes,
and you're on.
- Deal. Blueberry muffin to go.
- You got it.
You're still picturing me in a Mountie hat,
aren't you?
- How do I look?
- I'll tell you this weekend.
You cannot put those flyers in here.
I'm surprised my mother told you
that you could, but you can't...
so go stand on a street corner
like I had to do ages 6 through 14.
Go.
- What?
- I'm so hungry.
- What?
- It's flaxseed muffin month.
Flaxseed muffin in the morning.
Flaxseed muffin at night.
I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
- Okay, come here.
- Not fast, please.
- Sit.
- She made a lot food with flaxseed.
It last very long time.
Here
- What are these?
- Fries.
But, Mrs. Kim, she says the fries
are the devil's starchy fingers.
They're hot and delicious,
and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
But they are gateway food.
They lead to harder things:
pizza, movie popcorn,
deep-fried Snickers bars...
Welcome to America.
So now I've got three days to do this
comparative religions paper...
and the teaching fellow
who runs our group...
spends all his time explaining to us...
how much he disagrees
with the professor...
and what are you looking at?
- That guy over there is staring at me.
- Which guy?
- The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.
- Professor Prady?
He'll hear you.
You think professor Prady
is looking at you?
He's more than looking at me.
God, this is so annoying.
Ever since word leaked out
about me and Asher...
every faculty member over 50
thinks I'm easy.
- Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.
- You are so naive.
He's practically licking his lips.
You sleep with one old guy...
and, suddenly,
you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Hello?
- Rory, it's your grandmother.
- Oh, hey, Grandma.
- Your grandfather is here also.
- Hello, Rory, how are you?
- Fine, Grandpa, and you?
- We're wonderful. Thank you for asking.
Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school...
but next Friday,
your grandfather and I agreed...
to host a little Yale alumni event
at our house.
It completely slipped our minds
the other night.
So we'll have to cancel our usual
Friday-night dinner.
Oh. That's okay.
However, we were wondering
if maybe you'd like to come.
Me?
The alumni like to meet
the new generation of Elis...
and, plus, we'd love to be able to
show you off...
to all our friends, wouldn't we, Emily?
- Yes, we would.
- You might even make a few connections...
that could come in handy
somewhere down the road.
Please, come.
We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix...
and I promise you
there won't be any chicken.
Or steak on a stick.
Well, sure, I'd love to come.
Wonderful. Your grandmother and I
are thrilled.
Is it fancy? What should I wear?
- Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.
- And bring that face.
The face comes with the package.
And Rory,
I know you usually come at 7:00...
but could you make it at 6:00 instead?
-6:00 is fine.
- We'll see you Friday.
- See you Friday.
- What's going on Friday?
My grandparents are having a party.
Oh, damn it. Dean Treadwell just came in.
He's been throwing sex daggers
out of his eyes at me all week.
- Hello.
- Good morning.
- Chili fries. Extra cheese and onions.
- Thank you.
- Didn't you just say grace?
- Yes, but that was for the soda.
Kyon, tip: If you pray over
every single separate thing you eat...
you might never be able to leave the table.
Breakfast will run into lunch,
which will run into dinner.
- I'm telling God I'm thankful.
- He gets it.
Do a blanket thank you and move on.
We got free passes
for Tory's band on Saturday.
- No, seriously?
- Totally seriously.
All we have to do is carry the equipment,
and we are in.
Okay, cool. You're jazzed.
I'll tell him it's a go?
- It's a total go.
- You free for dinner tonight?
- We'll discuss it when I get home.
- Okay, bye.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.
- You're what?
I am in escrow.
I got the paperwork to prove it.
- What is he talking about?
- We bought a house.
- What?
- It's beautiful. White.
But you just started looking.
I know. We bought the first home we saw.
- Oh, Liz.
- No, I'm telling you...
I walked into this place and just felt it.
- Felt what?
- The vibe.
That's right. She felt the vibe,
and now I'm in escrow.
Did you at least have an inspector
look at this place?
We don't need some guy with a clipboard
to tell us what we already knew...
which was this white house was for us.
Please, don't be worried about this.
The place is great.
It's on a corner. It's got room for a pool.
It's air-conditioner-ready.
It's landscaper-ready. It's alarm-ready.
And it's got three bedrooms
if you build on two.
- It's got a roof, right?
- Of course, it's got a roof.
And as soon as we replace it,
it won't leak as much.
- Just be happy, okay?
- Oh, sure.
That's right, buddy.
Smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow.
Coffee on the house.
You like that, "on the house"?
You're paying for coffee
for the entire diner?
What, am I made of money? I'm in escrow.
Throw in the coffee, buddy.
We're celebrating.
I got it.
You're not really bugged
we're moving here, are you?
Does he even know
what "escrow" means?
I doubt it, but he's so happy.
I'm in escrow. Give it up, sister.
I'm in escrow.
- So, you're off the hook.
- Off the hook for what?
Friday night,
Grandma and Grandpa are having a party...
for their Yale alumni friends.
- Really? This is news.
- So you're free as a bird.
Wow, Friday night without my mother.
I don't know if I can deal.
You might have to come over
and force-feed me pickled herring...
and tell me what a disappointment I am.
Hey, you want to go to the movies?
- Can't. I'm going to the party.
- What?
They asked me to.
- Okay. I can get you out of it.
- Mom.
Hold on just a moment.
Let me formulate a plan.
I don't need you to formulate a plan.
I want to go.
You don't want to go.
You feel obligated to go.
- It's very different.
- Mom, they're giving the party together.
Oh, I got it. Transfer to Harvard.
- Then you won't be invited.
- Are you listening?
Rory, they're just manipulating you.
Yes, exactly: them.
Both of them. Together.
They called me together.
They were on the speakerphone together...
which means that they were in the
same room, at the same time, together.
So what you're saying is
they were together?
- Exactly.
- Whose antennae are up besides mine?
- Maybe they made up.
- They would have told us.
- They didn't tell us they broke up.
- But that's because it looked bad.
They didn't tell people
I was pregnant until my eighth month.
My mother kept getting
numbers for fat farms from her friends.
They sounded so happy.
They sounded like they used to.
- Are you sure you want to go?
- I'm sure.
All right. Don't let Grandpa
and his cronies...
make you sing
Whiffenpoof songs all night.
- I won't.
- I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you on Friday.
How about I come by after?
I can stay the night.
And then you could take me shopping
on Saturday.
- I'm the lucky girl.
- Okay, bye.
Hey, Amir,
where's this month's Guitar Magazine?
- I wasn't done reading it yet.
- You buy it, then you read.
What kind of bogus system is that?
It's the bogus system called
"this is a magazine stand...
"where people come to buy,
not hang out and read for free. "
It's a long freaking name
for your bogus system, buddy.
You!
You dirty, filthy devil boy!
You will pay for this!
You will burn in the hellfire for this!
You will swim in the sludge
with Satan's hell dogs...
and feed them your innards for eternity!
Is this about the magazine?
She is an innocent girl,
and you are a wild pig of filth!
I know. I know all you do!
You think you can hide from me...
that you can carry on your dirty,
filthy schemes without me finding out?
- I'm really, really lost right now.
- I heard about it. Kyon told me.
She told me about your hands on Lane.
You put your hands on Lane. My Lane!
And before God, I swear
that you will be punished.
Because that is what happens
to all swine that walk up tall.
Okay, so, we have today,
for your dining pleasure...
a choice of sandwiches,
all fairly fresh, though slightly dented...
so as to afford me
the 80% employee discount...
that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.
He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.
We have a battered chicken salad...
a bruised tuna salad...
a ham that survived the
creamed-corn assault of 2004...
and something gray.
- Toss that.
- Got you.
Well, this is a very nice spread
you've assembled here.
Well, when you're dating an Ivy League
girl, you have to pull out all the stops.
- Chip pieces?
- Yes, please.
- I'm glad we got to do this today.
- Me, too.
We haven't been able to see
each other much lately.
Well...
we're here now, right?
Yeah, right.
- Hey, did you ever read my story?
- Which story?
- The one about the Life and Death Brigade.
- Yeah, I did.
- Do you like it?
- I did like it.
I like everything you write.
Do you think I painted the picture
interestingly enough?
Because I tried to be objective
to a certain extent...
but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to
have some human spark, you know?
- I thought it was good.
- Nothing specific, though?
You're the writer.
I can't critique these things.
I just know that I read it
and I was interested.
Well, that's what counts.
Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.
- Let's talk about tonight.
- Okay.
I'm going over
to my grandparents' at 6:00.
I figure I'll go in, make the rounds,
say hello, eat a cheese puff...
then you can meet me
outside the house at 8:30...
and we can hit a movie in Hartford
or something.
I don't want you ducking out
of your grandparents' party early...
if it's gonna be a big thing.
- Don't you want to get together with me?
- You know I do.
Okay, then. No more talk.
It's settled. 8:30, out front.
I'll be the one in the party dress
with jeans in a purse.
I'll have to take a pretty big purse...
but desperate times
call for desperate actions.
- Deal?
- Deal.
How long have we got?
Fourteen minutes
till my lunch break's over.
Okay, then. Cheers.
- Bonjour.
- What's all this?
This is as close as you're gonna get
to me cleaning up tonight.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Man, something smells crazy good in here.
Oh, my god. What are you making?
Lamb-and-artichoke stew,
penne with pesto and potatoes...
roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia...
tomatoes stuffed
with bread crumbs and goat cheese...
and ricotta cheesecake...
with amaretto cookies
to go with your coffee.
- You're the perfect man.
- Thank you.
I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer...
- but it's not. It's you.
- Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
- You want some wine?
- Yes, please.
Okay, so, I brought...
a little ambience and a little Clooney.
- George?
- Rosemary.
Oh, my God. This is so great.
I mean, besides the fact
that it's an evening of you...
it's also the first Friday
in many, many moons...
that I'm not at my parents' house...
and that knowledge is giving me
a really warm, fuzzy feeling...
right about now.
Meaning that if, by some chance,
your meal winds up sucking...
I might not even notice.
Excellent to know. To the warm and fuzzy.
Perfect.
Time to add the artichokes.
It may have choked Artie,
but it ain't gonna choke me.
- Some Little Rascals humor there for you.
- I know.
You know?
You are the perfect man.
Just move them so people can navigate
around them comfortably.
Not that far apart. Not that far apart.
Good Lord, if someone needs
that much room to get around a chair...
they shouldn't be at a party.
They should be on a treadmill.
- Hey, Grandma.
- Rory. Oh, look at you.
Will you look at her? I said look at her!
- Isn't she beautiful?
- Yes, very beautiful.
I love this dress. Very elegant.
Thanks, Grandma.
The place looks wonderful.
There's too much blue.
It's Yale alumni.
There can't be too much blue.
Emily, I noticed the bartenders
weren't planning on using...
proper martini glasses.
Well...
Rory, how lovely you look tonight.
Doesn't she?
This dress is divine, but you know what?
My hairdresser's upstairs
in my bedroom right now.
Why don't you go on up and have her
do a little something with your hair?
- My hair?
- Just for kicks. Come on, I'll take you up.
- Richard, could you-
- I have it all under control.
Thank you. Come on.
Oh, you're home.
You want to talk about dinner?
Sure, or about how your mom
totally attacked me today.
- What?
- I'm standing out on the street...
in broad daylight...
and, like, out of nowhere, bam,
she was in my face, crazy and screaming.
Zach, slow down. I don't understand.
She cursed me, Lane.
What's not to understand?
She went on and on
about burning in hellfire...
and swimming in Satan's sludge
and hell dogs eating me...
and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.
I don't understand. Why would she-
'Cause she knows, okay?
She knows everything.
- She sees everything. You know that.
- She doesn't know everything, Zach.
She knows about you and me,
and she's sending me to hell for it...
and I gotta tell you, this is not cool.
This is not rock 'n' roll.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- I don't do parents. I'm not that guy.
Nobody brings me home to Mom
for a reason, okay?
I'm a total backseat, get-in-the-closet,
jump-out-the-window dude, all the way.
I just don't understand how she found out.
I mean, it's not like
she's ever seen us together, or...
I know who told her.
I can't do this. Crazy, scary, short chick
screaming at me on the street.
Zach, I'm sorry.
I promise, it will never happen again.
- I will take care of it.
- What about the hellhounds?
I will take care of the hellhounds, too.
'Cause "hellhounds" is a cool band name,
but the positive imagery stops there.
- I got it. It's done.
- Okay. Fine.
I gotta go walk by a church or something.
- Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.
- Yup.
You've been pilfering silverware
from the diner?
- It's my diner.
- Yes, but it's wrong.
You should have boundaries in your life.
Leave work at work.
You need a work life and a home life,
and the silverware is your work life.
I'm so telling Dr. Phil on you.
Luke, you in there? Open up. Luke!
What the-
- You're home. Good.
- Don't come in.
- She's your sister, Luke. Your sister.
- TJ, this is really not-
You know how many people
told me not to get married?
They said women make you crazy...
they burrow into your head,
and you can't get them out.
Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.
- How're you doing, TJ?
- I'm assuming you guys had a fight.
Not just a fight,
a whammo monster of a fight.
It was like Jake LaMotta...
and I was that blond chick
he was married to.
You'll make up. Bye.
I mean, you'd think I took a shot
at the Pope the way she talked to me!
I'm sorry I didn't hear
when she asked for the beer...
and preset station numbers
are there for a reason!
Okay, look at the table
and the candles, okay?
- This is not a good time.
- You're telling me? I'm in escrow.
- Okay, hold on. Go stir the sauce.
- Me? But I can't cook.
It's not cooking. It's stirring.
No, I'm not good with big spoons
unless there's ice cream on the end. Okay.
TJ, what is this all about?
She's crazy, man!
She goes nuts, and she yells at me like...
There's a register that her voice reaches
when she yells...
that only a freaking dog can hear,
but her face is so twisted and contorted...
that you know she's hit that register,
and it's amazing.
It should be on the Discovery Channel,
or something.
Excuse me.
How fast am I supposed
to be stirring here?
Just keep it from sticking.
Look, I am really sorry you had a fight,
but you're married now.
You can't run out every time
you have a disagreement.
- Now, go on back.
- I can't go back.
- TJ.
- I'm not ready.
- It's all too fresh!
- It's bubbling and turning brown.
- It's fine.
- But what constitutes sticking?
You can't ruin it.
I can. I have powers.
Once, the Barefoot Contessa
was making a souffl? and it fell.
She looked out the TV and said,
"Gilmore, was that you?"
You gotta go, man.
- Just let me hang out here.
- No!
Just for a little while,
right in here in the corner, very quiet.
You won't notice me at all.
Church mouse, buddy.
- I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
- I got it.
He just needs a minute.
Oh, yes, that's very nice. I love the lashes.
- Grandma, this is really nice, but-
- Just a little more cheeks.
Shouldn't we be getting down
to the party?
Yes, one more minute now.
Let's see here.
- This might do it.
- Grandma, I couldn't.
Diamond necklaces were invented
to be worn.
They're doing nobody any good
just sitting in a box.
- Perfect. Do you like it?
- Well, yes, it's beautiful, but-
- It needs earrings. I agree.
- No, it's fine on its own, really.
Your grandfather bought me
these earrings...
on our first trip to Denmark.
He swears he bought them off
the ne'er-do-well brother of the King...
who stole them from the Queen.
- Have you ever heard such a thing?
- No.
I have a wonderful idea.
Have you ever worn a tiara?
Well, when I was four.
- You look like a princess.
- Grandma, are you sure...
you want me wearing all this stuff?
They must be very expensive,
and if something should happen-
Nothing's going to happen,
and, yes, you look exactly the way...
I want my granddaughter to look
to all our guests.
- Shall we?
- Okay.
It's going to be a wonderful evening.
Everyone, here's Rory.
You look absolutely royal.
- It's probably the crown.
- Emily, you did a fine job.
Thank you, Richard.
Rory, I'd like you
to meet Min and Argus Head...
and their son Andrew.
Andrew, this is my granddaughter, Rory.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
Andrew will be at Yale law next year.
- Isn't that wonderful?
- It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.
She's a pistol, this one.
Well, we need to make the rounds.
You two could talk more later.
- It was nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Rory, we'd like you
to meet Tiana and Chase Anderson...
and their son, Donnen.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- You, too.
Donnen is going to run
his father's shipping business one day.
Our own Aristotle Onassis
with infinitely better table manners.
Nothing's written in stone yet.
We'll see what sort of pension plan
the company has and then...
Rory's going to be a journalist,
take the world by storm.
- The two of you should talk later.
- Definitely.
- Okay, well-
- Oh, Rory.
Bunny and Napoleon Barnes,
and their son Kip.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi, Kip. It's nice to meet you.
- Kip is captain of the polo team.
- Hell of a player.
Give those Windsor boys
a run for their money.
William and Harry are good guys,
decent horsemen...
terrible bridge players.
Kip, will you excuse us for a minute?
I need to talk to my grandparents.
It was nice to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Barnes.
- Make sure you two talk later.
- Yes, ma'am.
Yes, Rory?
- Are you enjoying the party?
- The party's very nice, Grandma.
I was just wondering...
do your alumni friends
have any daughters?
Daughters? What do you mean?
Well, I was just noticing
that there are a lot of boys here...
but not that many girls.
Really? Why, I hadn't noticed.
- Did you notice, Emily?
- Why, no, I hadn't.
Well, I will have to pay more attention
to the guest list next time...
- won't I, Richard?
- Yes, you will.
I promise you, we will throw another party
just for our friends with girls.
- But in the meantime-
- The Campbell boy is here.
Oh, good. Let's go.
Campbell, like the soup.
Oh, my God. This is good.
I mean, this is seriously good.
Glad you like it.
- How you doing, TJ?
- I just need a minute.
- He said that 35 minutes ago.
- Well, he's not crying now, so-
- I want him to leave.
- I know. He will.
You sure there's nothing I can do for you?
- Just 30 seconds. That should do it.
- Would you like something to eat, TJ?
Why are you asking him
if he wants something to eat?
He's been sitting there for a half an hour.
He might be hungry.
He said 30 seconds. You're gonna make
the 30 seconds go longer.
- TJ, we've got plenty.
- That's very kind of you, Lorelai.
I appreciate it,
being in escrow and everything.
But I don't want to interrupt your evening.
As soon as I gather myself, I'll be going.
Ten more minutes?
Look, you can go AMG,
but you're still going stock Mercedes.
Okay, are you seriously knocking
493 horses at 6,100 rpm...
coming out of a 5.5 liter, 24-valve V-8?
- Okay, let's say you go with the SL55.
- I'm sorry.
Would you all excuse me for just a-
Yeah, sure. So, the SL55.
Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.
For all this?
- I told you.
- You told me what?
Whatever is happening at that party
you got roped into tonight, I told you.
Do you want to hear,
or do you just want to gloat?
Well, I'm a multitasker.
So I get here, and Grandma
immediately whisked me upstairs...
where her hairdresser
and her makeup artist...
are waiting to make a new me.
'Cause the old you is so last season.
Then I come downstairs
to find that the guests...
are all Yale friends
of Grandma and Grandpa...
and their sons.
- What?
- No girls. All boys and me.
- You're kidding.
- Nope. I feel like I'm being auctioned off.
- They suck. My parents suck.
- This is a very silly picture.
They know you're with Dean
'cause, by the way, you told them.
It's okay. I just thought you'd like to know.
- Do you have a pencil?
- Why?
Because there are 12 ways out
of that house that they don't know about.
Write this down. First, the basement.
It's a little dusty but almost foolproof.
If you can't get there...
grab a screwdriver and jimmy
the back of my mother's closet.
- There's a false back.
- Mom.
And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet,
the second guest bathroom window...
opens out onto the massive elm,
and you could shimmy right down.
I am not going to shimmy.
I don't need to sneak out.
It's fine. Dean is picking me up at 8:30.
- I can manage till then.
- They played you, kid.
- Yeah, I know.
- I hate that they did that.
Well, it's done. Okay, I should go.
In this crowd, they will definitely
notice me missing. I'll see you later.
- Bye, hon.
- What's the matter?
Nothing a little patricide won't solve.
Oh, hello, I'd like
to speak to Richard and Emily.
I'd like to speak to
Richard and Emily Gilmore.
Is there someone there who speaks
English? I hear English in the background.
Oh, right there, I heard the word "salmon. "
Could you pass the phone
to the person who said "salmon"?
"Salmon. " It's a fish. It swims...
- Is he here?
- Yes. Get him out, please.
- Emily Gilmore. Se?ora Emily Gilmore.
- TJ, come on. Let's go.
- I cannot deal with you right now.
- You can't just barge in here like this.
I did not barge.
Do not accuse me of barging.
- You are ruining their evening.
- No, I am not. I'm just sitting here.
I'm not saying anything.
Okay, will you two
just go downstairs and talk, please?
- You are unbelievable, you know that?
- I do, as a matter of fact!
I hadn't even come out of the bedroom,
and you'd gone!
I wasn't gonna stick around
so you could yell at me.
Okay, this is enough!
The both of you
just have to shut up right now!
- I've got neighbors.
- You don't even have your shoes on.
- I've got shoes on.
- You've got my shoes on!
Oh, so I guess all that
"what's mine is yours"...
- was just a bunch of crap, also!
- You know what?
I am fed up with you and the drama!
I can't take it! My head's gonna explode...
from all your freaking scenes
and your tantrums.
- My tantrums?
- I cannot look at you.
Liz, what are you...
You go get her out of there.
Nope, that's exactly what she wants.
- Okay, never mind. I'll call back. Bye.
- TJ.
Damn, I had almost gotten
myself together.
- Now I have to start all over.
- She's in the bathroom.
Okay, you go try to calm him down,
and I'll see if I can talk to her.
You were right. Having family near is fun.
Rory?
I'm Jordan.
Your grandmother sent me over here.
Apparently, we're made for each other.
Oh, gee. Well, how convenient.
There's nothing like having your family
playing matchmaker.
- How old are you?
- Me? I'm almost 20.
All right, good.
Just making sure everything's legal.
- You need a drink?
- No, not a drink.
Why? Do you get a little crazy
when you drink?
- Yes, that's it.
- I'd like to see that.
Rory, there you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm late. I'm sorry. Don't be mad.
Logan Huntzberger.
Jordan Chase.
Good to meet you.
Thanks for keeping my girl busy.
If you hadn't, she would've noticed
exactly how late I am...
and then she might've left,
and that would've been very, very bad.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry. You're with her?
- Going on a year and a half.
Great, then what the hell am I doing here?
Thank you.
- You looked cornered.
- I was.
Well, I'm glad to be of service.
- Man, I hate these parties.
- Not really my bag, either.
But at least the bar is stocked...
and I must say,
your grandmother has excellent food.
- Wait, my grandmother?
- Logan, how are you, son?
- I'm very well, sir, and yourself?
- I'm fit as a fiddle. It's good to see you.
- Are your parents here?
- Wandering around here somewhere.
Mom is obsessed
with Emily's new draperies.
Yes, Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics.
All right, Rory,
since I see that you are in capable hands...
I will make another round
and end up at the bar.
- It's been good to see you, Richard.
- Good to see you, Logan.
You know my grandparents.
My folks are good friends
with Richard and Emily.
Okay, so, lesson one
in coping with painfully boring parties:
- Form a sub-party.
- Where are you going?
- Finn!
- Finn's here?
Finn!
- You rang?
- Time for a change of venue.
Oh, fantastic.
Do I know you?
- Is my mother here?
- No, she's at Mrs. Cho's house.
Mrs. Cho thinks that she lost her faith,
and Mrs. Kim went to give it back to her.
Good. Why did you rat me out
to my mother?
- Rat you out?
- You told her about Zach.
- The boy you hugged?
- Yes, you told her.
I'm just a little mystified
as to, well, why you would do that.
- Mrs. Kim has taken me in.
- No, I took you in.
You came to me starving,
and I gave you fries.
- You did like the fries, right?
- Very, very much.
Okay, so, that is what we call here
in America a bonding thing.
I gave you the fries...
and you are not supposed to tell on me
to my mother.
- But what am I supposed to do?
- Nothing. You say nothing and do nothing.
- But she would know.
- She would know what?
She would know I lie.
She would know I'm ungrateful
and I keep a secret from her.
- How would she know?
- She know.
- No, she no know. She's not magic.
- Yes, she is.
She read thoughts and hand gestures.
Come here.
If you want, I can help you.
Help me?
What do you do every Sunday
between noon and 4:00?
- I study.
- And then?
And then I wait for Mrs. Kim to get home...
from her Crochet for Christ group
with her sister.
Okay, and what do you do
while you're waiting?
Nothing. I sit quietly.
Okay. Now, wouldn't you rather,
let's say, watch some television...
while you're waiting
for my mother to get home?
- I cannot.
- Why?
Mrs. Kim does not want me
to watch the television.
- And how would she know?
- Because there's a little machine...
in the television set...
- that will tell her what I watch.
- Ha!
- What, "ha"?
- That machine does not exist.
- It does not?
- Nope.
Took me 15 years to figure it out,
but that's the truth.
So, she cannot know?
She also cannot smell fast food on you,
even after you've showered.
- She can't?
- And she can't tell...
how many times
you've opened your Bible...
- by staring at your palm.
- My head spins.
You don't have to hand out
all of those religious flyers she gives you.
Just post enough of them
around her regular route home...
- and she'll think the job is done.
- I think I need lie down.
It's a whole new world, Kyon...
a world I fought long and hard
to figure out...
and I'm willing
to pass all my knowledge on to you.
So, I can eat fries, watch TV...
if I get home early
from not giving out my flyers?
I wouldn't bring the fries into the house.
She has a really good nose.
But you're thinking big. And I respect that.
I can watch the TV.
Stick with me, kid...
and I'll have you wearing
lip gloss within a month.
Why don't you just talk to me?
Emily and Richard Gilmore. Oh, come on.
I know you speak English.
I heard you yell "salmon" earlier.
My mother put you up to this. Fine.
- What are they doing in there?
- Fighting?
And how long can you fight
in an 8 by 10 room?
Well, maybe they're not fighting.
Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
Oh, that makes me feel much better.
Thank you.
- Sorry about dinner.
- Dinner was great.
It was delicious and interactive.
How about this? How about this?
Okay, I don't know how long
this is gonna continue.
We could set fire to the place.
Smoke them out.
Listen, you don't have to sit here.
I'll deal with this. You go home.
- You sure?
- Yup.
They are my family.
Yippee. I'll deal with it.
You take this and go home...
and we will try again tomorrow.
Wow. My own cheesecake?
No man's ever given me
a whole cheesecake before.
You remember that.
Hey, maybe when I get home,
I'll stir something...
seeing as I'm so good at it.
Thanks for dinner.
Thank you for not being related to me.
- That came out wrong.
- No, I got it.
- Good night.
- Night.
Preset station numbers
are there for a reason!
Gilmore, your grandfather
has appalling taste in scotch.
I think you should go on inside
and tell him.
If he hasn't learned by now,
I certainly can't teach him.
Colin, make sure you refill
that bottle with something.
- Don't want Ace over here to get busted.
- I know. I know.
- Refill?
- Sure. Why not?
Because drinking is bad.
It's very, very bad,
and we're bad for doing it.
Spank me.
I think the hangover tomorrow
will be punishment enough.
She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan.
Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you,
I read the article.
- You did?
- Yup, not bad.
Thank you.
You caught the spirit of the thing.
I'll give you that.
- But-
- No, no buts. You got a good style.
There were a few too many similes in it
for my taste...
but it definitely had a little Joseph
Mitchell thing going for it. I liked it.
I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.
Are you?
- So, who's it gonna be?
- What?
Well, this shindig's
an obvious meat market.
I got the feeling your grandparents
are expecting you...
to choose someone tonight, so...
Oh, well...
Me. Pick me.
- No, pick me.
- Pick me.
- But I'm exotic.
- So is the Asian bird flu.
Wow. A roomful of guys
and still extremely slim pickings.
Well, I don't know.
It's a pretty tough choice.
Maybe I should let my boyfriend
help me choose.
- You have a boyfriend?
- I'm crushed.
Ain't it always the way?
- Do Richard and Emily know about this?
- Yeah, they do.
They're just trying to make sure
you got backup?
No, they're just... Oh, no. What time is it?
- It's crying time.
-8:45.
Dean is meeting me at 8:30.
- Where?
- Here Out front.
- Dean. Is this the boyfriend?
- Yes, it's the boyfriend.
- Well, we gotta see this guy.
- What?
See who the man is who's won your heart,
gotta make sure he's good enough.
- But-
- Let's go, boys.
You're the brother.
Coming?
Yeah!
Dean, hi. I'm sorry.
Have you been waiting long?
I didn't have a watch,
and we were in the pool house.
These are some friends.
They go to Yale with me...
and they know my grandparents.
The party was so boring, so we...
Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.
What am I doing here, Rory?
You're picking me up.
I don't belong here.
Not anymore...
do I?
Dean.
You look good.
You'll be okay.
No, I won't.
Okay, that's it.
Back to the pool house, men.
We have some serious bucking up
to do here.
- I swiped some scotch.
- I'll reenact The Passion of the Christ.
Come on, Ace.
Nothing ever seems quite as bad
after Finn's Passion of the Christ...
except Finn's Passion of the Christ.
Dude's got a little bit of a spanking thing!
- Gilmore residence.
- Hello?
Oh, you speak English. Thank God.
Is Emily Gilmore there, please?
It's for you, Mrs. Gilmore.
- Hello?
- Hi, Mom, it's me.
Well, hello, Lorelai. How are you?
I'm fine.
Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute?
- Your father's paying the caterers.
- Well, this will just take a minute.
Could you maybe go in the study
on the speakerphone...
- seriously, just one minute?
- All right, hold on.
All right, we're both here.
- Hello, Lorelai. What can we do for you?
- I just wanted to touch base with you...
about this little party
you threw for Rory tonight.
The party was not for Rory.
It was for our Yale alumni.
Oh, it was not.
It was a trick, and you know it...
and I know it,
so let's just know it together.
- What do you want, Lorelai?
- You lied to your granddaughter tonight.
You lied to a kid who trusted you.
You tricked her.
- It was a party.
- It was a mating ritual.
- What are you talking about?
- All boys, Mom?
Seriously? What is that all about?
It's good for her to interact with her peers.
Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase
of her life now...
and she needs to be exposed
to different things...
different people.
That's all we were trying to do.
- She has a boyfriend.
- Oh, so what?
So she has a boyfriend...
which means
she doesn't need another one.
She's 20 years old, Lorelai.
She is not going to be
with that boy forever.
That's right,
and when she's ready to move on...
she'll have met some nice young man...
who will represent
the new phase in her life.
I am sure
that Dean is a very nice young man...
but he is certainly not good enough
for Rory.
- That's right.
- Now she is young...
but young people need guidance...
and since you seem so little help
in this department...
we have to step in.
Well, step on out again
because this is none of your business.
Lorelai, I am tired.
And the caterers have caked the floor
with something sticky...
and I don't have time for this.
We want more for her, period.
Now, obviously, it's too late for you,
but it is not too late for Rory.
And we are going to make sure
she has the life she deserves.
It doesn't matter what you think of me.
Rory will choose her own path in life...
and there's nothing
either one of you can do about it.
- I'm hanging up.
- Well, me, too.
Did you listen to him at all?
Did you hear a word he said?
Whoa, hey! So you need some help there?
Bye.
English