Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 5, Episode 7 - You Jump, I Jump, Jack - full transcript

[sighing] I'M LATE.

I KNOW.

BLAME THE INSANE PEOPLE
DRIVING IN FRONT OF ME.

THEY HAD A "HONK, IF YOU LOVE
TO SCUBA DIVE" BUMPER STICKER

ON THE BACK OF
THEIR CAR, SO I HONKED.

YOU DON'T SCUBA DIVE.

YES, BUT I'VE BEEN
TESTING PEOPLE

WHO HAVE "HONK"
BUMPER STICKERS LATELY

TO SEE IF THEY REALLY
WANT PEOPLE TO HONK.

GUESS WHAT? THEY
DON'T. I LAY ON MY HORN

AND THIS ALLEGED SCUBA DIVER
SLOWS TO A CRAWL IN FRONT OF ME

JUST OUT OF REVENGE,
AND I'M SCREWED.

YOU NEED A HOBBY.

YES, ACTUALLY.

COME ON. RORY'S WAITING.

(Rory) HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE HONKED.

(Rory) OH, ANOTHER
BUMPER-STICKER TEST.

I JUST THOUGHT OF A GREAT
IDEA FOR A REALITY SHOW.

YOU PULL PEOPLE
OVER WHO HAVE THOSE

"HONK, IF YOU LOVE TO
WHATEVER" BUMPER STICKERS,

YOU KIDNAP THEM, AND...
AND YOU MAKE THEM DO

WHATEVER THE BUMPER
STICKER SAYS THEY LIKE TO DO,

WHETHER THEY DO IT OR NOT,
AND THEN YOU MAKE THEM EAT BUGS.

SO, I HEAR YOU HAVE
A NEW BOYFRIEND.

[gasping] HOW DID
YOU... NOT FROM ME.

DON'T JUMP ON RORY.

HOW, MOM? KIRK TOLD ME.

KIRK? KIRK WHO?

HOW MANY KIRKS DO
YOU KNOW? MY KIRK!

STARS HOLLOW KIRK? KIRK, WHO
HASN'T STARTED SHAVING YET, KIRK?

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT FROM HIM?

I CALLED THE INN LOOKING FOR
YOU, AND MICHEL ANSWERED,

BUT HE WAS IN THE
MIDDLE OF SOME ARGUMENT

WITH YOUR HORSE VETERINARIAN.

THEN THERE WAS A CRACKING
SOUND, AND THE PHONE WENT DEAD.

THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER
MAN'S VOICE SAYING "HELLO."

KIRK? BOB.

THE GARDENER?

MORE TWISTS THAN O. HENRY.

HE TOLD ME SOMETHING
IN A HEAVY SPANISH ACCENT

ALL WHILE MICHEL WAS
YELLING AT THE VET IN FRENCH.

I LEAVE AND THE U.N. ERUPTS.

THEN KIRK CAME ON. HE WAS
THERE DELIVERING SOMETHING.

AND WHEN I TOLD HIM I
WAS LOOKING FOR YOU,

HE TOLD ME YOU WERE PROBABLY AT
YOUR BOYFRIEND LUKE DANES' HOUSE.

NOW, WHY WERE YOU
HIDING IT FROM ME?

I WASN'T HIDING IT.

YOU JUMPED ON RORY WHEN YOU
THOUGHT SHE TOLD ME. YOU WERE HIDING IT.

SHE DID NOT JUMP ON ME, GRANDMA.

YEAH, AND I WASN'T HIDING IT.

THE ONLY REASON I REACTED
TO KIRK THE WAY I DID IS THAT

HE'S NOT IN THIS WORLD,
HE'S IN MY OTHER WORLD.

IT'S AS IF I, OUT OF
THE BLUE, TOLD YOU

I WAS HAVING TEA
WITH MRS. VAN-UPPITY.

WHO? HORTENSE VAN-UPPITY

TIGHT BUN, LACE COLLAR,
TINY POODLE, FICTIONAL FRIEND?

YOU KEEP SO MUCH FROM ME WITH
THESE SEPARATE WORLDS OF YOURS.

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

I WILL TRY HARDER TO
MERGE THE WORLDS. I PROMISE.

WELL, START NOW. I WANT
TO MEET THIS LUKE DANES.

YOU'VE MET HIM.

NOT IN THIS CAPACITY.
I NEED TO RE-MEET HIM.

WELL, I'M SURE
THAT DAY WILL COME.

NEXT WEEK. WHAT?

YOU HAVE A GENTLEMAN
FRIEND OF SIGNIFICANCE.

RHETT IS MY
GENTLEMAN FRIEND, YES.

SO, IT'S ONLY PROPER
THAT YOU INTRODUCE HIM

TO YOUR MOTHER.
UNLESS HE'S INSIGNIFICANT.

I DON'T WANT TO MEET A PASSING
SHIP. THAT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME.

IS LUKE A PASSING SHIP?
IS HE INSIGNIFICANT?

NO, HE'S NOT.

I'LL GET MY BOOK, AND WE
WILL PICK A DATE NEXT WEEK.

MOM. NEXT WEEK.

BUT I, UM... NEXT WEEK!

HONK, IF EMILY GILMORE VIEWS YOUR
MIND AS HER PERSONAL PLAYGROUND.

HONK. HONK.

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

WE EAT IT, WE BREATHE IT.
IT'S OUR HEART AND LUNGS.

WHAT IS IT? THE 3 BASICS:

ACCURACY, ACCURACY,
AND ACCURACY.

IT'S MY HEAD THAT'LL
END UP ON A PLATTER, OK?

LET'S GO THE EXTRA
YARD. PROTECT MY HEAD.

(Rory) HEADACHE, DOYLE?

CHARLES KURALT USED
TO EAT ASPIRIN LIKE CANDY.

ATE CANDY LIKE CANDY, TOO.
HENCE THE BELLY LIKE JELL-O.

THAT WAS MEAN. THE MAN'S DEAD.

SO, HOW'S THE STORY COMIN'
ON THAT SECRET SOCIETY?

THE LIFE AND DEATH BRIGADE.
GET THIS, I'VE GOT A CONTACT.

INSIDE? DEEP INSIDE.

WHO? ANONYMOUS. DON'T ASK AGAIN.

YOUR CALL. I'M GONNA TELL
THIS STORY FROM THE INSIDE.

YOU'LL BE CAREFUL?
CAREFUL ENOUGH.

WELL, STAY ON IT. YOU BET.

I LOVE THIS.

WE JUST HAD A VERY "ALL
THE PRESIDENT'S MEN" MOMENT.

VERY! MOVIN' AROUND
THE NEWSROOM LIKE THAT.

FELT GOOD.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME.

NOW? MIGHT LOOK SILLY.

CARRY ON.

RIGHT, CHIEF.

THERE YOU ARE.

CLUB SANDWICH.
BURGER, WELL DONE, FRIES.

LET ME KNOW IF
YOU NEED ANYTHING.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

HEY, WHAT'S UP? YOU'RE
ACTING ALL SQUIRRELLY.

I'M READY NOW.

FOR WHAT? TO DATE.

WELL!

THAT OFFER'S STILL GOOD, RIGHT?

YEAH, STILL GOOD.

OK.

SO, WE SHOULD PICK A TIME.

SURE.

HOW ABOUT NOW?
I'M KIND OF WORKING.

RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?

I'VE GOT BAND PRACTICE.

RIGHT.

AND SO DO YOU.

BECAUSE WE'RE IN THE SAME BAND.

OK, SO, WE'LL...
WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

COOL.

SEE YOU AT HOME.

YEAH, SEE YOU. OK.

HEY, LANE. HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD, VERY GOOD.

OH, WELL, LUCKY YOU.

(Luke) HEY!

HOW DARK IS IT?

HOW DARK IS WHAT?

THE CUMULUS NIMBUS
HOVERING OVER MY HEAD. HUH?

THE BLACK CLOUD.
WAS THAT A DROP?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I HAVE SOME VERY BAD NEWS. WHAT?

MY MOTHER IS INSISTING
ON HAVING DINNER WITH US.

THAT'S IT?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I
SAID MOTHER, DINNER, US?

THAT'S ON A PAR WITH CAR
TEST, CRASH TEST DUMMY.

DON'T WORRY. I AM GOING
TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES

TO GET US OUT
OF THIS. I PROMISE.

WHY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY?

LET'S JUST DO IT,
GET IT OVER WITH.

MEETING THE PARENTS
COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.

WE CAN'T PUT IT OFF
FOREVER. OH, YEAH?

MY 4TH-GRADE TEACHER WANTED
A MEETING WITH MY PARENTS,

SHE WAS HIT BY A BUS, 6 YEARS
AGO. NEVER GOT THE MEETING.

BOOK IT. LUKE!

BOOK IT. OK.

BUT I'M WARNING YOU, IF I
CALL AND TELL HER IT'S ON

AND THEN YOU CHANGE YOUR
MIND AND WANT TO BACK OUT,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY
AND HAVE EXTENSIVE FACIAL SURGERY

AND SEX CHANGES.

BOTH OF US, SO THAT WE CAN, YOU
KNOW, KISS AND NOT LOOK FUNNY.

I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.

OK, FINE. I'LL JUST
CALL AND TELL HER NOW.

OH. WHOA.

WHAT IS HAPPENING? SOMETHING
DARK IS HAPPENING HERE.

IT IS HEAVY LIKE IRON!

[pants]

DID YOU FEEL THAT ICE-COLD
WIND THAT JUST PASSED THROUGH?

MAKE THE CALL.

[imitating Cole from The Sixth
Sense] "I SEE DEAD PEOPLE."

MAKE THE CALL.

[beeping]

THIS IS A HOUSE?

THIS IS A HOUSE.

WHAT A WASTE.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT CAUSES
PEASANTS TO REVOLT.

THIS IS HOW HEADS
END UP ON PIKES.

OPEN WITH THAT. THAT'S
A GREAT ICEBREAKER.

HEY, LISTEN, I WANT
YOU TO BE CAREFUL

ABOUT YOUR CONSUMPTION OF BOOZE.

I'M NOT GONNA DRINK TOO MUCH.

NO! YOU GOT IT
BACKWARDS THERE, PABLO,

RIDE THE PINK ELEPHANT, BABY,

BECAUSE IT'S YOUR ONLY
DEFENSE AGAINST EMILY GILMORE

UNLESS YOU'RE
PACKING A KALASHNIKOV.

YEAH. SHOULDN'T YOU RING
THE BELL OR SOMETHING?

[doorbell ringing] A LITTLE
STRATEGY. HERE'S THE FRONT DOOR.

WE'RE HERE. DRINK CART'S HERE.

IT'S KNOCK, KNOCK,
OPEN THE DOOR.

"HI, HI."

TURN LEFT, VEER
RIGHT, PASS THE COUCH,

WE'RE AT THE BOOZE.
ANY QUESTIONS?

YEAH, SHOULDN'T YOU GET
A MASSAGE OR SOMETHING?

TAKE OFF YOUR COAT. IT'S COLD.

NO, IT'S TIME-CONSUMING.

ROLL IT IN A BALL AND HAVE IT
READY TO HAND OFF TO THE MAID.

YEAH.

HI. HELLO.

HI. COME IN, PLEASE.

OK. THANK YOU. I AM SORRY.

MAY I TAKE YOUR COATS?

YEAH, GOT MINE ALL READY.

THERE YOU GO. MMM-HMM.

I'M LUKE.

I'M THE MAID.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, THAT WAS SO
SWEET AND INNOCENT.

WELL, WELL! OUR
HONORED GUEST. WELCOME.

MOM, LUKE. LUKE, MOM.

WE'VE MET, LORELAI.
SEVERAL TIMES.

I WAS JUST RE-INTRODUCING
YOU, AS PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS.

GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, MRS. GILMORE.

AH, NO, IT'S EMILY. I INSIST.

NICE TO SEE YOU, EMILY.

DRINKS?

WE'RE IN THE FOYER.

LET'S CHANGE THAT.

NOT IF LUKE WANTS A TOUR.

OH, OK. WELL, FOYER,
STAIRCASE, UPSTAIRS.

DINING ROOM, KITCHEN,
WEIRD PIANO AREA

THAT WE NEVER REALLY NAMED.

AND RIGHT THROUGH
HERE IS THE LIVING ROOM.

YEAH, I... I... I DON'T
NEED A TOUR, THANKS.

WELL, THEN, LET'S GO
IN THE LIVING ROOM.

YOUR HOUSE IS BEAUTIFUL.

THEY DON'T MAKE THEM
LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I'LL SAY.

THEY MAKE EVERYTHING
OUT OF CARDBOARD NOW,

WHITE BOXES WITH HEATING VENTS.

THE ART OF
CRAFTSMANSHIP IS DEAD.

GIN.

DO YOU HAVE TOURETTE'S
OR SOMETHING?

I AM SORRY. I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOU SAY:

"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRINK?" I WAS GETTING THERE.

GIN MARTINI, PLEASE.

I ALREADY MADE A PITCHER OF
MARTINIS, BUT THEY'RE VODKA.

VODKA'S PERFECT.
DOUBLE WITH A TWIST.

SO, 2 COLD MARTINIS
WITH A TWIST.

AND, LUKE, HOW
WOULD YOU LIKE A BEER?

GREAT.

OR MAYBE LUKE
WOULD LIKE TO CHOOSE

HIS OWN DRINK. THAT'S A THOUGHT.

OH, YES, I'M SORRY, LUKE.

YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER
YOU LIKE. I'VE GOT IT ALL.

BEER IS PERFECT. BEER IT IS.

OH, NO, NO, SHE'S
GOT EVERYTHING.

SHE'S GOT SCOTCH, SHE'S
GOT RUM, SHE'S GOT WHISKEY,

SHE'S GOT RED WINE...

SHE'S NOT KIDDING,
SHE'S GOT IT ALL.

BEER IS PERFECT.

OK, BRING HIM A BEER.

HERE WE ARE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, EMILY.

THE BEER IS NICE AND COLD.
I ALMOST WANT ONE MYSELF.

UH, HEY, YOU CAN HAVE
SOME OF MINE IF YOU WANT.

SO, HOW'S THAT DINER OF YOURS?

[stuttering]

UH, IT'S DOIN' GREAT.

NO MATTER WHAT THE ECONOMIC
CLIMATE, PEOPLE GOTTA EAT.

THAT IS SO TRUE.

AND I THOUGHT YOUR
PLACE WAS VERY CHARMING.

NICE AND RUSTIC.

[clearing throat]

DO YOU NEED A COUGH
DROP? SHE'S FINE.

WHERE'D YOUR MARTINI
GO? TO A HAPPY PLACE.

DO YOU WANT ANOTHER?

DOES PAVAROTTI WANT
ANOTHER DOUGHNUT?

THAT'S A "YES"?
I'LL POUR IT, EMILY.

THANK YOU, LUKE. I SHOULD
GO CHECK ON DINNER.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?

ABSOLUTELY.

UNBELIEVABLE. I KNOW. SHE
DIDN'T MAKE NEARLY ENOUGH.

I MEANT YOU. YOU'RE
ACTING CRAZY.

SHE'S INSULTING YOU.

NO, SHE'S NOT. YOUR
MOM'S BEING GREAT.

WHAT? WERE YOU IN THE ROOM?

DID YOU NOT HEAR THE
AWFUL THING SHE SAID?

WHAT DID SHE SAY?
RUSTIC DINER, "RUSTIC"?

SO? BACKHAND
SLANG FOR "CRAP PILE."

OR SHE WAS ADMIRING
ITS VINTAGE FEEL.

WHAT WAS THE OTHER
WORD SHE USED?

CHARMING? [scoffs] SLANG
FOR "DOGGY POOPY."

UNBELIEVABLE.

WAIT, WAIT, WHAT
WAS THE BEER THING?

OH, MY GOD...

THAT WAS NICE. I WANTED BEER.

SHE WAS CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO
ANTICIPATE THAT THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE.

THE WORD "BEER": BACKHAND
SLANG FOR "NITWIT JUICE."

YOU'RE READING WAY
TOO MUCH INTO THIS.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I WOULD DEFER
TO THE GILMORE EXPERT HERE.

I AM THE ORACLE. I CARRY
ALL THE KNOWLEDGE.

WELL, I WOULD LIKE
YOU TO CALM DOWN,

BECAUSE YOU'RE
MAKING ME NERVOUS.

I'M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU.

I'M A GROWN MAN

AND THIS ISN'T MY FIRST
FORAY INTO THE BIG CITY.

I'VE DEALT WITH ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE
IN MY LIFE. RICH, POOR, SNOBBY, PROUD.

I CAN HANDLE IT. BUT...

AND BY YOU JUMPING IN AFTER
EVERYTHING YOUR MOTHER SAYS

MAKES ME LOOK WEAK, AND
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK WEAK.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO, EITHER.

THEN, GIVE ME MY
SPACE, OK? PLEASE.

OK, I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR SPACE.

DINNER IS GOING TO BE AS GOOD
AS IT SMELLS, I GUARANTEE IT.

IT SMELLS WONDERFUL, EMILY.

THANK YOU, LUKE.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE A KIND
GENTLEMAN IN THE HOUSE.

THANK YOU.

SO, YOU'RE RECENTLY DIVORCED?

[stuttering] YEAH, I... I GUESS.

ALTHOUGH IT DEPENDS ON
WHAT YOU'D CALL "RECENTLY."

YOU'VE BEEN DIVORCED IN THE
LAST YEAR. THAT WOULD BE RECENT.

UH, YEAH, YES.

TERRIBLE, THE
DIVORCE RATE, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, YES, IT'S...
IT'S TERRIBLE.

I'M SURE IT WAS
INEVITABLE IN YOUR CASE.

TURNED OUT THAT WAY.

I HOPE THERE WEREN'T CHILDREN.

NO.

DIVORCE DESTROYS CHILDREN.

BUT WITHOUT CHILDREN,
YOU'RE ONLY HARMING YOURSELF.

OF COURSE, NOWADAYS
PEOPLE GET MARRIED FOR FUN.

APPARENTLY THERE'S
NOTHING GOOD ON T.V.

[beeping]

(Dean) HEY, IT'S DEAN.

UH, SO, WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO GET TOGETHER

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

BUT I HAVE TO CANCEL. AGAIN.

ONE DAY, I'M GONNA
HAVE ONE JOB, NOT 3,

WHICH WILL SIMPLIFY
EVERYTHING. I HOPE.

ANYWAY, UM, I WAS HOPIN' WE COULD
SOMEHOW HOOK UP TOMORROW NIGHT.

I FORGET IF YOU HAVE
SOMETHING GOIN' ON.

BUT I'VE GOT A 3-HOUR WINDOW,

AND I WAS THINKIN'
DINNER OR SOMETHIN'.

MAYBE WE CAN MEET HALFWAY
BETWEEN YALE AND STARS HOLLOW.

THAT PROBABLY PUTS
US ON THE INTERSTATE,

MEANING THE $6.99
SURF-AND-TURF SPECIAL,

BUT, HELL, I'M A CHEAP DATE.

UH, SO, NOT THE MOST
ROMANTIC GET-TOGETHER FOR US,

BUT SOMETHING'S
BETTER THAN NOTHIN'.

LET ME KNOW. BYE.

[answering machine beeping]

(answering machine)
END OF MESSAGES.

(Emily) DINERS ARE
GENERALLY SO FILTHY.

I'M SURE YOURS ISN'T. BUT
THE HORROR STORIES YOU HEAR.

I READ THAT ONE IN VERMONT
GOT CAUGHT SERVING ROADKILL.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

UH, YEAH, IT'S DEAD
ANIMALS FROM THE STREET.

FROM THE STREET, FROM
BACKYARDS, FISHED OUT OF POOLS.

THESE DINERS FIND
IT AND SERVE IT.

AGAIN, PROBABLY NOT YOURS.

BUT THE FACT THAT THIS PLACE GOT
AWAY WITH IT AT ALL IS ASTOUNDING.

I GUESS PEOPLE WHO
FREQUENT DINERS

DON'T LOOK TOO CLOSELY AT WHAT
THEY'RE EATING OUT OF SELF-DEFENSE.

WE DON'T SERVE
ROADKILL AT MY PLACE.

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.

I HAD A FRIEND WHO
ATE AT A DINER ONCE,

AND THE NEXT DAY
SHE DROPPED DEAD.

HER FAMILY CONSIDERED
SUING THE PLACE,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO
GET FROM THESE PEOPLE.

A COUPLE OF STOOLS
AND A TOASTER.

BUT THEY WERE SURE IT
WAS A MATTER OF HYGIENE

AND THEY EVENTUALLY
DROVE THEM OUT OF THE STATE.

I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT THEY
FOUND WHEN THEY MOVED THE STOVE.

WOULD YOU LIKE
ANOTHER BEER, LUKE?

(Emily) AN OPIATE
FOR THE MASSES.

WELL, SO WHAT? WE
ALL HAVE OUR OPIATES.

FOR SOME, IT'S BALLET.
FOR LUKE, IT'S BASEBALL.

WHOEVER I HEARD
SAY IT JUST HAPPENED

TO SAY IT ABOUT WHAT LUKE LIKES.

OH, NO!

SOME WORKMAN HAS LEFT HIS
FILTHY TRUCK IN OUR CLEAN DRIVEWAY.

RICHARD MUST HAVE SENT FOR HIM.

OH, THAT'S MINE, ACTUALLY.

OH.

WELL, IT'S NICE, RUSTIC.

I LIKE THE COLOR. THANK YOU.

AND I LIKE THIS COAT OF YOURS.

THERE'S SOMETHING
NICE ABOUT SIMPLE CLOTH.

THANKS.

WELL, THIS WAS WONDERFUL.
DON'T BE A STRANGER, ALL RIGHT.

I WON'T. THANK YOU, EMILY.

GOODBYE. BYE, LORELAI.

BYE, MOM. THANKS AGAIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING?

I MEAN, TRULY AMAZING? WHAT?

SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING
DIRECTLY BAD ABOUT ME

OR THE DINER OR ANYTHING
ELSE CONCERNING ME.

SHE'S GOOD. AND ALL
I DID WAS THANK HER,

OVER AND OVER.

SHE'D HAMMER ME,
AND I'D THANK HER.

IT'S A TALENT.

"RUSTIC" REALLY DID SOUND
LIKE "CRAP PILE" THAT TIME.

COME ON, BABE, YOU'LL FEEL
BETTER ABOUT HALFWAY HOME.

GOOD. THEN THE EYE-POPPING
NAUSEA WILL HIT YOU.

THE RICH FOOD MIXES
WITH THE BITTER MEMORIES

AND IT ALL GETS WORSE,
THEN IT GETS BETTER. GOOD!

UNTIL YOU GET TO ROUTE
44, AND THEN YOU HIT BOTTOM.

GOOD GRIEF! I'LL BE READY
WITH A TONGUE DEPRESSOR

TO PREVENT YOU FROM
SWALLOWING YOUR TONGUE.

I KEEP THEM IN MY
PURSE. STEP UP.

(Logan) HEY, ACE, YOU READY?

WELL...

HIT IT! OH, NOT SO LOUD.

YOU'RE VERY AUDITORIALLY
SENSITIVE TODAY.

OH, AND YOUR VOICE HELPS.

IS THE BLINDFOLD SECURE?

SECURE AND IN PLACE.

OUR ANONYMITY IS
CRUCIAL, LOGAN. CRUCIAL.

[grunts]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FINN?

GREAT JOB WITH THE
BLINDFOLD, LOGAN.

I RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICES, COLIN.

COULD EVERYONE
KEEP IT DOWN, PLEASE?

CAN WE REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD NOW?

WE'RE ALSO HIDING
OUR DESTINATION.

WE HAD TO LEAVE AT
THIS UNGODLY HOUR.

IT'S 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

HE'S GOT A THING ABOUT
THE SUN. IT'S TOO BRIGHT.

SO, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WEARING
YOUR GORILLA MASKS? SHE CAN SEE.

I CAN TELL BECAUSE YOUR
VOICES AREN'T MUFFLED.

SHE'S SHARP. WHO'S THE GIRL?

I'VE BEEN TOLD WE'VE MET.

I HAVE NO MEMORY OF IT.

OH, GORILLA GIRL.

WELL, ISN'T THAT A
PRETTY NICKNAME.

OH, BY THE WAY, THIS
THING'S OVERNIGHT.

OVERNIGHT? DIDN'T I
MENTION THAT BEFORE?

OH, MUST HAVE SLIPPED YOUR MIND.

IT DOESN'T SCREW UP
ANYTHING FOR YOU, DOES IT?

NO. NO?

NOPE. HMM.

NEW SCHEDULE. GOOD.

WE LIKE OUR SCHEDULES
LOOSE, LIKE OUR WOMEN.

CLEVER.

MY GOD, IT'S EARLY.

[telephone ringing]

LUKE'S.

(woman) GOOD AFTERNOON. I'M
CALLING FOR MR. LUKE DANES.

THIS IS LUKE DANES.

PLEASE HOLD FOR MR. GILMORE.

WHAT? FOR WHO? HELLO?

(Richard) LUKE?
RICHARD GILMORE HERE.

UH, HI, UH, RICHARD...

MR. GILMORE, SIR. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE, THANK YOU. LISTEN,
I THOUGHT WE COULD MEET

FOR A ROUND OF GOLF, YOU AND I.

GOLF?

TOMORROW AFTERNOON
IS GOOD FOR ME.

UH...

IS THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

UH, WELL...

GOOD. I'LL HAVE MARGIE CALL
YOU BACK WITH THE DETAILS.

OK. WONDERFUL!

I LOOK FORWARD TO
IT. SEE YOU AT THE CLUB.

YEAH. SEE YOU AT THE CLUB.

THIS MOUNTAIN AIR
HAS REVIVIFIED ME!

[laughing]

(Logan) MAKE SURE HE
DOESN'T RUN OFF A CLIFF.

STEPHANIE, IT'S YOUR TURN.

DANNY, SLOW DOWN!

YOU'RE OK?

I SMELL TREES.

OH, NOTHING GETS PAST YOU.

[crickets chirping]

[coyote howling]

SO, THE FIRING SQUAD
IS JUST UP AHEAD?

YEAH, AND THERE'S A LINE. DAMN.

SERIOUSLY, LOGAN, IS
THE BLINDFOLD COMING OFF

OR AM I PATTY HEARST-ING
IT THE WHOLE TRIP?

IT'S COMIN' OFF. IT'S
COMING OFF, RIGHT NOW.

[people chattering]

OH, MY!

YOU CANNOT GO
GOLFING WITH MY FATHER.

(Luke) IT'S A DONE DEAL.

WHAT IS THAT MAN UP
TO? WHAT IS HE DOING?

OUCH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKIN' FOR A BOOK MY DAD
HAD SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE,

LEARN GOLF THE ARNOLD
PALMER WAY. I CAN'T FIND IT.

I BESEECH YOU, DO NOT GO
GOLFING WITH MY FATHER.

IT'S TOO LATE. I SAID "YES."

WHY? WHY DID YOU SAY "YES"?

I HAD NO CHOICE.

SAYING "NO" WAS A CHOICE.

DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM
THE DINNER WITH MY MOTHER?

APPARENTLY NOT.

CALL HIM AND CANCEL.

RIGHT. AND HOW
WOULD HE TAKE THAT?

BADLY. THAT'S WHY YOU
HANG UP REAL QUICK.

THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO START A
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER?

NO, THIS IS THE WAY TO
END IT. GOD, YOU'RE SLOW.

LISTEN, CALL HIM
AND TELL HIM THAT,

UM, WHEN HE CALLED, YOU
HAD JUST DROPPED SOME PEYOTE

AND YOU WERE, UH, TRIPPING

AND YOU WERE SEEING VAPORS
AND THAT THAT'S WHY YOU AGREED,

BUT THEN YOU'VE LANDED AND
YOU REALIZED THAT YOU CAN'T GO.

WAIT, DO YOU SMOKE PEYOTE? WE SHOULD
GET THAT STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU CALL HIM.

BACKING OUT WILL MAKE IT WORSE.

BUT DO YOU EVEN KNOW
HOW TO PLAY GOLF?

I TOOK A COURSE
IN SUMMER SCHOOL,

BUT I ACCIDENTALLY
HIT KENT COLEDA

IN THE HEAD WITH A DRIVER
AND GOT ASKED TO LEAVE.

BUT I THINK I
REMEMBER THE BASICS.

YOU GRAB THE CLUB,
WHACK THE BALL. I'LL FAKE IT.

LUKE... DON'T
WORRY. I'LL BE FINE.

OK. FINE, THEN. BYE.

[beeping]

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO? HI, DAD. I NEED A FAVOR

THE BIGGEST FAVOR I MAY
EVER ASK YOU FOR, EVER.

I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS.

PLEASE CANCEL THIS
GOLF GAME WITH LUKE.

WHAT? NO.

BUT WHY? I MEAN, WHY
ARE YOU DOING THIS?

WHAT IS THE POINT?

HOW IS THIS EVEN YOUR BUSINESS?

HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.

AND THIS IS MY RIGHT.

YOUR MOTHER ALREADY MET HIM AT A
SECRET DINNER I ONLY FOUND OUT ABOUT

BECAUSE HER BLABBERMOUTH
MAID TOLD MY VALET.

SO, NOW I WANT TO MEET HIM.

BUT YOU'VE ALREADY MET HIM.

WELL, I NEED TO RE-MEET HIM.

WHY CAN'T YOU AND MOM MEET
SOMEONE ONCE AND MAKE IT STICK?

I INSIST UPON THIS GOLF GAME.

HE DOESN'T EVEN GOLF.

HE SAID HE DID.

YEAH, WELL, HE WHACKED KENT
COLEDA IN THE HEAD WITH A CLUB,

OK, SO YOU'RE TAKING YOUR
LIFE IN YOUR OWN HANDS.

YOU WANT TO RECONSIDER
NOW? YOU LIKE YOUR HEAD, HUH?

LORELAI, THE TEE TIME IS SET,
LUKE HAS SAID "YES" TO MY PROPOSAL

AND TOMORROW LUKE
AND I ARE GOLFING.

HAVE FUN.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT HAVING
FUN. THIS IS PROTOCOL.

HAVE A GOOD PROTOCOL, DAD. BYE.

IS THIS WHAT YOU EXPECTED?

NO, NOT AT ALL WHAT I EXPECTED.

LET ME GUESS WHAT
YOU WERE THINKING:

SLEEPING BAG, FLASHLIGHTS, KEG,

3 BOXES OF STALE TRISCUITS,
HALF-EATEN BAG OF OREOS,

SOME DORITOS, AND A BONG.

THAT MAY BE EXACTLY
WHAT I PICTURED.

YOU CAN APOLOGIZE
LATER. THIS IS YOURS.

MINE?

(Logan) NOT MUCH CLOSET
SPACE, BUT THE VIEW IS DECENT.

IT'S COZY.

FESTIVITIES START
IN A HALF-HOUR.

DEAN, HI. IT'S ME.
I GOT YOUR CALL.

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE
DINNER WITH YOU TONIGHT,

BUT SOMETHING UNBELIEVABLY
UNEXPECTED CAME UP

AND IT'S GONNA KEEP ME
BUSY FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

I'D GIVE YOU MORE INFO, BUT
IT'S ALL A LITTLE DALIESQUE

AND HARD TO EXPLAIN.

I'LL FILL YOU IN WHEN I
GET HOME, IF I GET HOME.

JUST KIDDING. I HOPE. BYE.

AM I EARLY?

RIGHT ON TIME.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

THANKS. SO DO YOU.
HAVE I SEEN THOSE PANTS?

I GOT THEM FROM THE
BOTTOM OF MY DRAWER.

I FORGOT I HAD 'EM.

COOL.

SO, WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?

WE COULD DRIVE SOMEWHERE.

WE JUST HAVE TO STOP
FOR GAS AND ADD SOME OIL

AND PUT AIR IN THE TIRES, AND
WE'D HAVE TO STOP BY AN A.T.M.

OR WE COULD HANG OUT HERE.

YOU SURE? YEAH.

OK. COOL.

LET'S GET A PIZZA AND WATCH
SOMETHING AND JUST HANG OUT.

GREAT.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?

WANT TO FINISH WATCHING
WHAT WE STARTED LAST NIGHT?

YEAH. GREAT.

♪ [music playing on T.V.]

♪ WATCH OUT ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT GET
WHAT YOU'RE AFTER ♪

(Brian) HEY, GUYS.

♪ COOL BABIES ♪

OH, STOP MAKING SENSE. GREAT!

♪ I'M AN ORDINARY GUY ♪

THIS IS WHERE WE
LEFT OFF LAST NIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING? WATCHING T.V.

UH, BRIAN, THIS IS A DATE.

WHAT?

LANE AND I ARE KIND OF
ON A DATE RIGHT NOW.

YOU ARE?

BUT THIS IS WHAT WE
DID LAST NIGHT. I KNOW.

SO, LAST NIGHT WAS A DATE, TOO?

THAT WAS NOT A DATE. I
WAS IN MY UNDERWEAR.

BUT WE DID EXACTLY THE SAME
THING. YOU JUST HAD NO PANTS.

WELL, WE'RE KIND
OF STARTING TO DATE,

AND THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

SO, WHERE DO I GO?

WELL, HOW ABOUT MY ROOM?

REALLY? YOU NEVER
LET ME IN YOUR ROOM.

WELL, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE.

GREAT!

WAIT, HOLD ON.

[whispering] SHOULDN'T WE
LEAVE YOUR ROOM EMPTY?

WHY?

YOU KNOW, IN CASE
THE DATE GOES GOOD.

BRIAN, GO IN MY ROOM.

THANKS.

MAN, IT SMELLS GOOD IN HERE.

♪ HOLD TIGHT ♪

♪ WAIT TILL THE PARTY'S OVER ♪

♪ HOLD TIGHT ♪

♪ [music playing]

(man) COME, COME, MILADY.

HEY, RORY GILMORE. UM,
THIS IS QUITE A SOIREE.

ARE ALL THE LIFE AND DEATH
BRIGADE GATHERINGS THIS ELABORATE?

HOW ABOUT BLAND BALKING
AT POLITICAL OR SOCIAL STANDS?

RIDICULOUS. TOTAL STANDSTILL
FOR ALL IN THIS VICINITY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? I CONCUR.

CRAZY CONSTRUCT
IF YOU THINK FOR A BIT.

DUBIOUS LOGIC, IF YOU
ASK THIS THOUGHTFUL GUY.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

MY GOD. (boy) SHOCKING.

SILLY GIRL. NOT ADJUSTING
TO THIS PROUD POINT OF OURS.

SAD, THIS DIMINISHING VISION.

EXCUSE ME?

FAUX PAS COUNT IS 6, I SAY?

6, NO DOUBT. I AGAIN CONCUR.

POINT OF FACT, DAFT LADY,

TO CATCH ON WOULD PROMPT
OUR CONGRATULATIONS.

IT'S A GAME? AT WHICH
YOU TOTALLY FAIL.

YOU WANT FOR
INSTRUCTION? APPARENTLY.

SAID GAP TWIXT "D" AND "F"
SHALL NOT SLIP FROM LIPS

IN ANY WORD THIS GROUP ALLOWS.

SAID GAP TWIXT "D" AND "F."
YOU'RE NOT USING THE LETTER "E"?

SAYS THIS THING,
OUR GROUP DID BANISH.

LOUD FOR ALL TO DRINK IN.

DAFT GIRL.

SO, NO ONE IS SUPPOSED
TO SAY THE LETTER "E"?

MY GOD. THIS WOMAN HOUNDS
US WITH THIS THING I BANISH.

DUMBFOUNDING.

I'LL CATCH UP WITH
YOU GUYS LATER.

HAVE FUN. IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

BLOODY HORROR, THAT WOMAN.

OSTRACISM SHOULD OCCUR, I THINK.

[people chattering]

HI, STEPHANIE.

OH, GOOD. YOU'RE USING
"E's." NO CHAMPAGNE?

NO, I'LL HAVE A LITTLE LATER.

SO, IS LOGAN THE
HEAD OF THE GROUP?

THERE'S NO HEAD
OF THE GROUP, RORY.

WE'RE AN ANARCHIC COLLECTIVE.

WE DON'T RECOGNIZE
LEADERS, PER SE.

PLUS, IT'S A SECRET.

I SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU.

[hiccupping]

WARNING SIGN.

BECAUSE THE WAY THAT PEOPLE ACT
AROUND HIM, LOGAN KIND OF SEEMS...

CUTE? NO.

NO? WELL, YES, BUT...

THERE'S A LINE TO GET TO HIM.

NO, I'M NOT LOOKING TO
GET IN A LINE. I'M A REPORTER.

I BET YOU'RE A GOOD REPORTER
AND A VERY GOOD GIRL.

OH DEAR, I'M TALKING TO YOU.

I SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU.

I HAVE TO KILL MYSELF
NOW. EXCUSE ME.

HI. I WAS WONDERING,

IS THE SAFARI THEME
SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS DO

OR DO YOU CHOOSE
DIFFERENT THEMES?

MAY I QUOTE MAX ERNST?

SURE.

HOW GOES IT, PARIAH?

LOGAN?

WORD WAS A BEAR DRAGGED YOU OFF.

NO BEAR.

I JUST WANTED A QUIET PLACE
TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS.

YOU FOUND IT.

THANKS. I HAVE EATEN.

GOOD. THIS IS FOR ME.

SORRY YOU'RE NOT GETTING
MUCH FROM THE GROUP.

TOOK A LITTLE ARM-TWISTING
TO GET THEM TO AGREE

TO LET YOU COME
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I DON'T NEED THEIR COOPERATION.

I'VE ALREADY FILLED 2 NOTEBOOKS
WITHOUT THEIR COOPERATION,

HALF OF ONE WITHOUT USING THE
LETTER "E," BUT I COULD USE YOURS.

WAY TOO MUCH SALT ON THIS.

THIS IS PRETTY INCREDIBLE,

BUT IT'S JUST A PREAMBLE TO
THE BIG STUNT TOMORROW, RIGHT?

IT'S FINN. HE'S
AUSTRALIAN. THEY LIKE SALT.

HOW DO YOU PAY FOR THIS?

ARE THERE DUES,
OR DO YOU CHIP IN?

IS THERE ALUMNI SPONSORING IT?

HOW IS IT ORGANIZED?

AND WHAT IS HAPPENING TOMORROW?

IS IT JUST AS BIG? OR BIGGER?

AND DO PEOPLE KNOW
THAT YOU'RE HERE?

PARK RANGERS OR THE
LANDOWNER? WHERE ARE WE?

ARE WE STILL IN CONNECTICUT?

AND YOUR ANSWER CANNOT
INCLUDE THE WORD "SALT."

OK.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO FILL YOU IN

ON THE CONDITIONS
OF YOU BEING HERE. OK.

FIRST, NO PICTURES. HEY!

YOU'LL GET IT BACK AT THE
END OF THE TRIP. 2ND, NO NAMES.

I'M NOT EXACTLY BEING
INTRODUCED TO ANYONE AS IT IS.

3RD, NO PHYSICAL
DESCRIPTIONS OF ANY OF US.

THERE ARE AUTHORITY FIGURES
UP AND DOWN CONNECTICUT

TRYING TO NAB US FOR THINGS WE MAY
HAVE DONE IN THE PAST, NAUGHTY THINGS.

I'LL KEEP YOU ANONYMOUS.

WHAT NUMBER AM I ON?

YOU JUST DID "3RD."

4TH, NO IDENTIFICATION
OF OUR LOCATION.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

5TH... YOU'RE GOING
TO RUN OUT OF "ITHS."

THE MOST IMPORTANT
CONDITION OF ALL.

YOU MUST AGREE NOT TO INTERFERE

WITH THE INTEGRITY OF THE EVENT.

WHAT IS THE EVENT? AND
HOW COULD I INTERFERE?

SO YOU AGREE?

YES, I AGREE.

♪ [people singing]

THAT'S PRETTY.

THEY'RE DRUNK.

WELL, IT SOUNDS
PRETTY. I LIKE IT.

I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

[girls laughing]

(girl) LOGAN?

YEAH?

YOU COMING? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

EXCELLENT.

I'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT FOR
YOU, ACE. I WON'T NEED IT.

HERE I AM.

♪ [music playing on T.V.]

DAVID BYRNE IS A FREAK.

I LOVE HIM.

HE'S TOTALLY COOL.

SO.

SO.

THIS WAS NICE.

YEAH.

I LIKE YOUR PLACE.

[chuckles] RIGHT!

I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY
FOR WORK TOMORROW.

NO PROBLEM.

SO, I SHOULD PROBABLY...

OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, ZACH.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, NO.

(Zach) THIS IS BAD NEWS.

ONCE HE HITS HIS R.E.M. STATE,
MOTORHEAD WOULDN'T WAKE HIM.

WHAT DO I DO?

HE REALLY IS ASLEEP.

HE'S GAINED A
COUPLE POUNDS, TOO.

OK, WELL, I HAD A
REALLY GOOD TIME.

ME, TOO.

GOOD NIGHT, ZACH.
GOOD NIGHT, LANE.

[birds chirping]

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER
SARTORIAL SURPRISE.

YOU SHOULD START
GETTING READY YOURSELF.

I AM READY. YOU CAN'T
GO DRESSED LIKE THAT.

I DIDN'T HAVE THE "IT'S AN
OVERNIGHT THING" WARNING.

SO, UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO FASHION
SOMETHING OUT OF PINE CONES, THIS IS IT.

THAT CLOTHING IS GONNA INTERFERE
WITH THE INTEGRITY OF OUR EVENT.

YOU AGREED NOT TO INTERFERE
WITH THE INTEGRITY OF OUR EVENT.

ALL I'VE GOT IS A WASHBOWL,
A TOWEL, AND A TOOTHBRUSH.

IS THAT ALL YOU
GOT? LOOK AGAIN, ACE.

[people chattering]

EXCUSE ME. MR. GILMORE?

LUKE? YEAH, HI.

DON'T REMEMBER YOU
BEING THIS TALL. YEAH, SORRY.

OH, IT'S NOTHING TO
APOLOGIZE ABOUT.

WHERE ARE YOUR CLUBS?

OH, I JUST, UH... UH,
FIGURED I'D RENT SOME.

OH, WASTE OF MONEY.
OWNING IS THE THING. RIGHT.

THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE
THAN OUR PRO SHOP. GREAT.

LET'S GO GET YOU
SOME CLUBS. EXCELLENT.

I'VE GOT YOUR EVENT
INTEGRITY RIGHT HERE, MISTER.

YEAH, I GOT AN EYE
FOR DRESS SIZES.

WE GO THIS WAY.

(man) AND BY CHANGING NOTHING,
DO WE NOT CHANGE EVERYTHING?

COME ON! HURRY!

YOU TRY RUNNING IN A CRINOLINE.

WE'RE LATE. FOR WHAT?
THE RITUAL SACRIFICE?

(Logan) COME ON!

108TH GRAND ASSEMBLY

OF THE HONORABLE
LIFE AND DEATH BRIGADE.

HE'S USING "E'S." SHH.

PLEASE RAISE YOUR GLASSES.

IN OMNIA PARATUS.

(all) IN OMNIA PARATUS.

NOW YOU MIGHT WANT
TO COVER YOUR EARS.

WHY?

[all cheering]

TO THINK SOME GROUPS
JUST GO BOWLING.

[grunting]

[people chattering]

♪ [music playing]

[people laughing]

(man) PULL!

PULL! PULL!

(man #1) GOOD SHOT!

(man #2) PURE SKILL.

(Rory) IS THIS SAFE? NO.

PULL! DAMN.

BLAME THE GUN. I WOULD.

(Finn) PULL! PULL!

ALL RIGHT, I'M BORED. I
WANT TO BE A TARGET.

YOU'RE ALWAYS A TARGET, FINN.

IN OMNIA PARATUS.

IF YOU WANT TO INTERVIEW FINN,
ACE, YOU BETTER DO IT QUICK. PULL!

NOT BAD. THANK YOU.

SO, IS THIS YOUR BIG STUNT?

BIG STUNT? ACCORDING TO MY
RESEARCH, YOU GUYS ALWAYS DO

ONE BIG THING AT
YOUR GATHERINGS.

PULL!

IS THIS IT?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE
IT? I'M GUESSING NO.

YOU ANSWERED YOUR
OWN QUESTION. PULL!

YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT.

GOOD.

[groaning] I MISSED THE MAT.

AGAIN?

I'LL BE FINE. DON'T
WORRY ABOUT ME.

IN OMNIA!

YOU'RE ON YOUR GAME
TODAY, MR. GILMORE.

INDEED, I AM. INDEED.

INDEED.

I'M GOING TO SPEAK TO THE
BOARD ABOUT THESE GROUNDS.

THERE ARE DRY SPOTS, THE LENGTH
AND BREADTH OF THIS FAIRWAY.

HMM.

OH, I'M UP. OK, LET'S SEE,

UH, I THINK THIS ONE IS

NOT THE ONE I WANT AT
ALL, BUT THIS ONE HERE.

OH, GOOD CHOICE. LET'S
TAKE THE TAG OFF THERE.

GOOD IDEA.

(Luke) OK, BALL
GOES DOWN HERE...

[birds chirping]

OH, DAMN!

NO PROBLEM.

IT'S HEADING TOWARD
THE WRONG HOLE.

JUST A MULLIGAN,
SON. TRY IT AGAIN.

GOLF ISN'T MY THING, YOU KNOW.

IT'S DEFINITELY A THING,
BUT NOT MY MAIN THING.

WHAT IS YOUR MAIN HOBBY?

UH, GIVE ME A HOBBY, QUICK.

UH, READING. READING.

I READ LIKE CRAZY.

WONDERFUL. WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN READING LATELY?

UH, BOOKS. YOU KNOW, THIS, THAT.

UH, DICK.

PARDON ME?

UH, DICK GUY,
SCIENCE FICTION GUY.

DICK SOMETHING. SOMETHING
DICK, I JUST READ ONE OF HIS.

I'LL BRING DICK UP ON THE
INTERNET, SEE WHAT COMES UP.

WISH I COULD REMEMBER THAT NAME.

YOU BETTER HIT YOUR BALL,
SON. WE'RE STACKING UP.

RIGHT, YEAH, OK.

(Richard) JUST A SECOND,
GUYS. HE'S, UH, HE'S NEW.

OH, JEEZ.

NOT TO WORRY. THE CART'S
BEEN DINGED 1,000 TIMES.

THE GUY DRIVIN' IT LOOKED MAD.

NOT TO WORRY. LET'S GO.

SO, HAVE YOU PUT MUCH
THOUGHT INTO FRANCHISING?

FRANCHISING? THAT
DINER OF YOURS.

NOW'S THE TIME TO JUMP.

THERE ARE OPPORTUNITIES
ABOUNDING IN REAL ESTATE RIGHT NOW.

UH, WELL, NO, I HAVEN'T.

I'D CONCENTRATE ON THE
EASTERN SEABOARD FIRST,

CONNECTICUT, NEW
YORK, MASSACHUSETTS.

I'D START WITH 5 TO 7. DINERS?

SOMETHING MANAGEABLE.

YOU'LL NEED AN
INVESTMENT BANKER.

AH, JUST RAN INTO HERB
SMITH IN THE CLUBHOUSE.

BEST BANKER IN THE BUSINESS.
I'LL GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. GOOD.

SO, ONCE THE FIRST 7 ARE
A GO, SHOOT FOR THE MOON.

NATIONAL EXPANSION,

SET UP A PUBLIC
CORPORATION, ISSUE AN I.P.O.

SURE, AN I.P.O. I GOT
TO SET UP ONE OF THOSE.

HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN
A STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVE?

NO. SHAVES YOU
CLOSE, LASTS FOR DAYS.

I'LL GIVE YOU MY BARBER'S CARD.

HOPE YOU'RE THINKING UP SUPERLATIVES.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA
DO? THEY'RE NOT GOING TO JUMP.

THEY'RE GOING TO JUMP. THAT'S,
LIKE, 7 STORIES. THEY'LL DIE.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ONE DAY.

BUT THOSE 4 ARE TODAY.

6.

I SEE 4.

I'M HEADIN' UP. OF
COURSE YOU ARE.

FINN WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IT,

BUT FEW OF US FIGURED HE'D MAKE IT
THIS FAR, SO THERE'S AN EXTRA SPACE.

HMM.

NO. AND WE'RE NOT GOIN' TO DIE.

NO ONE IN THE LIFE AND
DEATH BRIGADE HAS EVER DIED.

OLD ONES HAVE. I AM
NOT GOING TO JUMP.

WE'RE ALL SET.

THIS IS SETH. HE'S THE
GENIUS BEHIND ALL THIS.

IT'S VERY SAFE. WE DID A
DOZEN SUCCESSFUL TEST DROPS.

EVERY POTATO CAME THROUGH
WITHOUT A SCRATCH. POTATO?

YOU CAN'T TEST USING
PEOPLE. THAT'D BE DANGEROUS.

LOOK, THANKS FOR THE OFFER,

BUT, UH, I'M HERE AS A
JOURNALIST, AN OBSERVER.

JOURNALISTS DO NOT PARTICIPATE.

SINCE WHEN?

SINCE FOREVER.

GEORGE PLIMPTON NEVER
PARTICIPATED? WHAT?

HIS BEST STUFF PUT
HIM IN THE THICK OF IT,

FIGHTING SUGAR RAY ROBINSON,
QUARTERBACKING FOR THE LIONS,

SKATING FOR THE BRUINS.
SO HE PARTICIPATED.

BILL BUFORD LIVED WITH SOCCER
HOOLIGANS IN AMONGST THE THUGS.

ERNIE PYLE WAS SO DEEP IN
THE ACTION IN WORLD WAR II,

HE WAS KILLED BY
A JAPANESE SNIPER.

NOT THAT YOU'RE GOTTA GO
THAT FAR. BUFORD, PYLE, I KNOW.

RICHARD HOTTELET WAS 4 MONTHS IN
A NAZI PRISON WORKING FOR THE U.P.

HUNTER THOMPSON LIVED
WITH THE HELL'S ANGELS.

GOT IN THE MUCK, DIDN'T JUST ORBIT
AROUND IT, AND IT DROVE HIS WRITING.

HE PUT YOU IN THOSE BIKERS'
PARTIES AND THOSE BIKERS' HEADS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SO THOSE
GUYS PARTICIPATED. I GOT IT.

BUT I...

JUMPERS TO THEIR PLACES, PLEASE.

YOU'RE SCARED. UH, WELL, YEAH!

AND THAT STOPS THE GREATS?

IT'S STOPPIN' THIS GREAT.

COME ON. YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU NEED A LITTLE ADVENTURE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE SHELTERED.

WHY? BECAUSE I HAVEN'T
SPENT TIME IN A NAZI PRISON,

BEEN STOMPED ON BY HOOLIGANS,
AND BEAT UP BY HELL'S ANGELS?

PLIMPTON GOT BANGED
UP PRETTY GOOD, TOO.

IT'LL BE FUN, IT'LL BE A THRILL.

SOMETHING STUPID,
SOMETHING BAD FOR YOU.

JUST SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

[sighs]

ISN'T THIS THE POINT
OF BEING YOUNG?

IT'S YOUR CHOICE, ACE.

PEOPLE CAN LIVE 100 YEARS
WITHOUT REALLY LIVING OR A MINUTE.

YOU CLIMB UP HERE WITH ME, IT'S
ONE LESS MINUTE YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.

LET'S GO.

LET'S GO.

I AM NOT A FAN OF LADDERS.

THEY SCARE THE
CRAP OUT OF ME, TOO.

(Rory) HIGH. WE ARE VERY HIGH.

I'VE BEEN HIGHER.

I MEANT DISTANCE
FROM THE GROUND.

THAT, TOO.

THIS IS TOTALLY SAFE, AND
IT GOES WITH YOUR OUTFIT.

NICE.

WHY DO THEY LOOK SO WORRIED?

WE'RE LOW ON CHAMPAGNE.

[speaking Latin]

YOU CAN BACK OUT, YOU
KNOW. NO ONE'S FORCIN' YOU.

I KNOW.

[speaking Latin]

YOU TRUST ME?

(emcee) IN OMNIA PARATUS!

YOU JUMP, I JUMP, JACK.

(all) IN OMNIA PARATUS!

I REALLY SHOULD HAVE CONFIRMED

THAT THOSE POTATOES WERE OK.

[all shouting]

OH, THANK GOD!

[all cheering]

YOU DID GOOD, ACE!

[panting] ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME
EXPERIENCE!

ONLY IF YOU WANT IT TO BE.

BYE. THANKS.

[phone ringing]

GOOD AFTERNOON, DRAGONFLY INN.

I FRANCHISED MY PLACE.

WHAT? THE DINER.

THERE'S GONNA BE 7 OF 'EM, AND
THAT'S JUST ON THE EASTERN SEABOARD.

THEN, I'M GOING NATIONAL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR FATHER WANTS TO OPEN
UP A CHAIN OF LUKE'S DINERS

AND I THINK I AGREED TO IT.

NO!

I'VE ALREADY GOT A MARKETING
GUY, HERB'S MY BANKER,

YOUR FATHER'S TAKING CARE
OF ALL MY INSURANCE NEEDS,

AND APPARENTLY EVERYONE IS
GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY STOCK.

OH, MY PARENTS!
MY STUPID PARENTS!

AND HE WANTS TO SHAVE ME.

SHAVE WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW, HE
JUST KEPT TALKING

ABOUT SHAVING ME, AND I'M TIPSY.

WE HIT THE CLUB BAR, AND I
DIDN'T WANT TO SOUND DUMB

AND JUST ORDER A BEER,
BECAUSE IT'S NITWIT JUICE

SO I HAD WHAT YOUR DAD WAS
HAVING, WHICH WAS WHISKEY SOMETHIN',

MORE WHISKEY THAN
SOMETHIN', LET ME TELL YOU

'CAUSE I CAN'T
EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.

OH, YOU POOR THING.

AND I'VE GOT AN ART DEALER NOW.

NO.

I'M DRIVING TO MANHATTAN NEXT
WEEK TO LOOK AT SOME DIEBENKORNS.

WHAT'S A DIEBENKORN?
I DON'T KNOW.

AND I BOUGHT SOME GOLF CLUBS.
THEY COST THE SAME AS A CAR.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW?

I'M AT THE DRIVING RANGE.

YOUR DAD'S MAKING ME
PRACTICE FOR NEXT TIME.

NO. LEAVE. YOU DO
NOT NEED TO PRACTICE.

OH, AND I SORT OF IMPLIED
THAT I'M FOND OF THE GREEKS

SO I HAVE TO READ THE
ILIAD AND THE ODYSSEY

SO WE CAN CHAT ABOUT IT.

AND CAN WE NOT HANG OUT WITH
YOUR PARENTS FOR A VERY LONG TIME?

FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I MEAN, I DON'T HATE THEM.

LEAVE THE DRIVING RANGE AT ONCE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DRIVE.

HONEY, HAVE SOME COFFEE,
AND THEN COME HOME.

THE DIEBENKORN
GUY IS STILL IN THERE.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM
THE DIEBENKORN GUY.

HE'S CHATTING WITH
MY RARE-COIN GUY.

JUST DO NOT GO BACK IN THE
CLUBHOUSE. GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR CAR.

OK. I LIKE THE VALET GUYS.

GOOD. NOW GO.

I'M GOIN'.

WHY WOULD YOU GO GOLFING
WITH THAT MAN? WHY ON EARTH?

WHO, LUKE?

YOU ARE ENCOURAGING THIS
RIDICULOUS RELATIONSHIP.

EMILY, PLEASE.

HE IS NOT GOOD
ENOUGH FOR LORELAI

OR TO BE RORY'S
STEPFATHER, GOD FORBID.

CAN WE BE A LITTLE
MORE OF A SNOB, EMILY?

THE FACT THAT YOU PARADED
HIM AROUND THE CLUB. OUR CLUB!

IT HAPPENED TO BE
A FRUITFUL OUTING.

I AM GOING TO ASSIST HIM
IN FRANCHISING HIS DINER.

RICHARD! THAT HIRSUTE
LOUT IS NOT CAPABLE

OF RUNNING A COMPLEX BUSINESS.

WELL, THAT'S OBVIOUS, EMILY.

THAT'S WHY HE WILL HAVE NO
SIGNIFICANT ROLE. HE'LL BE THE FRONT MAN.

WE'LL SHAVE HIM, STICK
HIS PICTURE ON THE MENUS.

THE WHOLE THING WILL HOPEFULLY

BESTOW SOME CREDIBILITY ON HIM.

AT LEAST THEN, IF THIS
INSANE RELATIONSHIP

BETWEEN HIM AND
LORELAI CONTINUES,

WE CAN LEGITIMATELY TAKE
HIM TO PLACES LIKE THE CLUB.

AT LEAST ON HOLIDAYS.

THIS IS ABSURD. YOU'RE ABSURD.

THE WHOLE THING'S ABSURD.

AND YOU'RE NOT THINKING
AHEAD. EXCUSE ME.

[cell phone ringing]

HI. (Lorelai) ARE YOU TYPING?

NO. YES, YOU ARE.

I THOUGHT WE AGREED YOU
WOULDN'T TYPE WHILE WE TALK.

GOT TO BREAK THE RULE
JUST THIS ONCE. I'M IN A RUSH.

IT'S BEEN A CRAZY COUPLE
OF DAYS. UH, SCHOOL?

PAPER. LONG STORY. I'LL
FILL YOU IN, IN PERSON.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?

LUKE'S. I HAVE TO DE-STRESS HIM

AFTER HIS UNHAPPY
GILMORE OUTING.

DAD TRIED TO TAKE
OVER HIS WHOLE LIFE.

HE WANTS TO FRANCHISE
LUKE'S. YOU'RE KIDDING.

HEY, DO MEN SHAVE
ANYWHERE EXCEPT THEIR FACES?

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE NEVER
LIVED WITH A MAN. SAME HERE.

IF HE DOES FRANCHISE THE DINER,
GET HIM TO PUT ONE NEAR YALE.

I MISS THOSE BURGERS.

HE'S NOT FRANCHISING.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

SURE.

DO YOU THINK I'M TOO SCARED?

WHAT?

TOO SCARED, TOO TIMID.
DO I TAKE ENOUGH CHANCES?

WHAT KIND OF CHANCES?

I DON'T KNOW. LIFE CHANCES.

I THINK YOU DO.

I'M NOT A MOUSE? WHERE
IS THIS COMING FROM?

I DON'T KNOW.

JUST SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT LATELY.

[knocking on door]

SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
UH, SAY "HI" TO LUKE FOR ME.

IF HE'S NOT COMATOSE.
BYE, HONEY. BYE.