Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 5, Episode 18 - To Live and Let Diorama - full transcript

(Lorelai) ICK, RAISINS.

WHAT ARE THE PRUNEY RED THINGS?

(Sookie) DRIED CRANBERRIES.

GONE. WHAT'S THIS?

CAROB.

ADIOS.

OK, WHY DO WE BUY TRAIL MIX IF
YOU'RE GONNA PICK EVERYTHING OUT?

WELL, THEY'VE RUINED TRAIL
MIX. IT USED TO BE SIMPLE.

NOW THEY PUT TOO
MUCH STUFF IN IT.

YOUR MOUTH DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
TO EXPECT WITH ANY GIVEN BITE.

WILL IT BE FRUITY?
WILL IT BE GRANOLA-Y?

WILL IT BE CHOCOLATE
SUBSTITUTEY? WHAT'S THIS?

SOYBEAN.

[shudders] SQUIRREL FOOD.

LADIES, PLEASE. WE'RE SAYING
GOODBYE TO MR. TWICKHAM.

SO?

THE MAN'S ON HIS DEATHBED.
SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT.

TAYLOR, OLD MAN TWICKHAM'S
BEEN DYING FOR 20 YEARS.

THIS IS MY SEVENTEENTH
TIME SAYING ADIOS.

YEAH, I THINK YOU HAVE
THE RECORD, PATTY.

I FORGET. WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME HE THOUGHT HE WAS DYING?

IT'S BEEN A GOOD 2 YEARS.

I REMEMBER NOW. THE
LAST TIME, THE RAIN.

WE GOT DRENCHED.

IT MADE THE WHOLE "HE'S
DYING" THING A TOTAL BUMMER.

LADIES, PLEASE.

YOU MAY NOT BE RESPECTING THIS
MOMENT, BUT ALL THE REST OF US ARE.

GET YOUR TWICKHAM
SOUVENIRS HERE.

TWICKHAM SOUVENIRS.

I'VE GOT YOUR BATS.
I'VE GOT YOUR BALLS.

I'VE GOT YOUR FOAM FINGERS.
GET THEM BEFORE HE'S GONE.

OH, HOW'S MR. TWICKHAM
LOOKING, ANDREW?

A LITTLE TIRED.

WELL, DYING IS EXHAUSTING.

HE'S THINKING OF TAKING A BREAK
AND PICKING UP AGAIN TOMORROW.

UGH, NO.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING AN HOUR.

HE'S KIND OF DISTRACTED, ANYWAY.

THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE,

HE WAS TIVOING THROUGH
A FRESH SUMMERLAND.

DO WE HAVE TIME TO
COME BACK TOMORROW?

UH, NOT REALLY.

HEY, EVERYBODY, UM,
KEEP IT QUICK IN THERE, OK?

"GOOD MORNING, MR. TWICKHAM.

GOODBYE, MR. TWICKHAM."
AND THEN VAMOOSE.

[sighing]

HE SHOULD REALLY START
DYING EARLIER IN THE DAY.

YEAH.

UGH, GREEN STUFF?
COME ON. WHAT'S GREEN?

♪ [Where You Lead
by Carole King playing]

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

[T.V. playing]

[phone ringing]

HELLO? (Lorelai) HE'S DEAD.

WHO? OLD MAN TWICKHAM.

(Rory) NO. YES.

IT'S GOTTA BE A MISTAKE.

IT'S NOT. THE MAN IS GONE.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I
MEAN, ARE YOU SURE?

THERE'S NO BREATH LEFT IN HIM.

THE LIGHT'S GONE
OUT OF HIS EYES.

HE'S SMELLED THE BURNT ALMONDS.

HE'S FEEDING THE WORMS.
HE'S CHATTING UP HIS GRANDPA.

HE IS THE OLD MAN FORMERLY
KNOWN AS TWICKHAM.

WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE.

I MEAN, HE'S BEEN
DYING MY WHOLE LIFE.

AND I JUST GOT MY GOODBYE IN.

HE WAS ABOUT TO
CLOSE SHOP FOR THE DAY.

WE GOT IN, TOLD HIM GOODBYE
AND THAT WE'D MISS HIM.

WE LEFT, AND THEN,

APPARENTLY, HE
JUST CLOSED HIS EYES

MUTTERED SOMETHING
ABOUT LORI LOUGHLIN,

AND THAT WAS THAT.

WOW. YEAH.

HE'S NEVER DIED BEFORE.

I GUESS THERE'S A FIRST
TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

KIRK'S HAPPY, THOUGH.

HIS DYING CAUSED A
RUN ON SOUVENIRS.

TACKY. OH, YEAH, TACKY.

SO, ARE YOU COMING
HOME THIS WEEKEND?

PROBABLY NOT. MAYBE NEXT WEEK.

OK, I JUST ALWAYS LIKE TO CHECK.

SO, I SHOULD GO.

SORRY ABOUT OLD MAN TWICKHAM.

GOTTA MOVE ON.

I HEAR OLD MAN KETCHUM HAS A NASTY
COUGH. COULD TURN INTO SOMETHING.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT. BYE.

[T.V. playing]

PATHETIC. WHAT?

NOTHING IMPORTANT, I JUST WANTED

TO INFORM YOU THAT
YOU'RE PATHETIC.

BACK AT YOU, SISTER.

I AM NOT PATHETIC.

OH, COME ON,

WE'RE IN THE SAME SITUATION,
EXCEPT YOU'RE IN DENIAL.

DENIAL?

I HAVEN'T SEEN LOGAN LATELY.

WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU CALL HIM UP THEN?

I BET HE MISSES YOU.

IS HE MISSING YOU? GOODBYE.

HAVE FUN PRETENDING
THE SKY IS GREEN.

HAVE FUN RE-ENACTING
THE MAXELL TAPE AD.

[door banging shut]

[T.V. playing loudly]

♪ [music playing]

HEY, SOPH.

YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

FRONT AND BACK. LET'S SEE 'EM.

SO WE'RE NEVER GONNA FORGET
THE PEANUT BUTTER ON THE SITAR?

GOOD GOD, MAN. YOU
HEARD OF HAND CREAM?

OK IF WE WALK AROUND?

CAREFULLY.

HI, LANE. HI, SOPHIE.

SHOW HER THE THING.

I SUDDENLY GOT
VERY SELF-CONSCIOUS.

THAT'S WHY YOU
BROUGHT IT. I KNOW.

SHOW HER.

SO, SOPHIE BLOOM.

YOUR LAST NAME IS BLOOM.

THANKS FOR THE INFO.

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
SOME OLD VINYL I HAVE.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH
BECAUSE I WAS BORN

RIGHT ON THE CUSP
OF THE C.D. REVOLUTION,

BUT I ORIGINALLY
HAD A RECORD PLAYER,

SNOOPY RECORD PLAYER,

AND BOY, DID I LOVE
THIS RECORD PLAYER

AND SHUTTING MY DOOR AND
LISTENING TO MUSIC ON IT...

OH, MY GOD, GARRISON
KEILLOR, WHAT IS YOUR POINT?

I SAW THE NAME SOPHIE
BLOOM ON THIS ALBUM,

THE ONE NON-CHRISTIAN ONE
MY MOTHER ALLOWED ME TO HAVE.

IT JUST POPPED OUT AT
ME AND I WAS WONDERING...

OH, THIS THING.

SO IT'S YOU. YOU
WROTE THESE SONGS.

A LONG TIME AGO.

I THINK THIS IS AMAZING!

BECAUSE I WANT TO DO
MORE THAN JUST DRUM.

I WOULD LIKE TO
WRITE AND COMPOSE.

AND I WAS WONDERING
IF WE COULD SIT DOWN

SOMETIME AND JUST
TALK ABOUT MUSIC

BECAUSE I THINK YOU HAVE SO MUCH

YOU CAN PASS ON TO
ME, WOMAN TO WOMAN.

REALLY, JUST COFFEE
SOMETIME. MY TREAT.

WELL, I SUPPOSE SOMETIME
WHEN I'M NOT WORKING

OR OUT OF TOWN,

IF MY BOYFRIEND'S BUSY
AND MY LAUNDRY'S DONE

AND I'M NOT SICK AND
THERE'S NOTHING ON T.V.,

WE COULD MAYBE MEET UP
FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

IT'S A DATE.

♪ [music continues playing]

[door opening]

HEY, THERE SHE IS, THE
WOMAN OF THE HOUR.

APPARENTLY THAT'S ME.

I AM BLOWN AWAY BY THIS.

YEAH, WELL, MY HUGS
ARE THAT POWERFUL.

WELL... WELL, I'M TALKING
ABOUT THE ARTICLE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ON
THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE.

THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

WELL, IT'S THE INN. IT'S NOT
ME. BUT YES, IT IS A BIG DEAL...

SO HOW'D THEY TELL YOU?

THEY PHONE YOU OR
THEY... THEY E-MAIL YOU?

THEY JUST SAID THEY WERE
SO IMPRESSED BY THE INN,

THEY WERE SO
IMPRESSED BY MY STORY...

IT'S A GREAT STORY.

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE THIN

WHEN YOU COMPARE IT
TO WAR AND PEACE, BUT...

WHAT? YOU STARTED WITH NOTHING.

IT'S A GREAT STORY.

THE MAGAZINE'S PRETTY GOOD,
TOO. I DID SOME RESEARCH.

OH, RESEARCH.

YEAH, I GOT A BUNCH
OF BACK ISSUES

AND I READ THEM,
TRIED TO FIGURE OUT

WHO SHOULD INTERVIEW YOU.

OK, ALISHA KENSINGTON.

STAFF WRITER, TOO
GREEN AND WAY TOO STIFF.

TOO MANY ADVERBS.

FREDERICK FAIRMOUNT.

[snickers]

HE TALKS MORE ABOUT HIMSELF

THAN THE PERSON
HE'S INTERVIEWING.

SOMETHING BOOZY ABOUT HIM, TOO.

I DON'T THINK THEY LET YOU
PICK WHO'S GONNA INTERVIEW YOU.

WELL, JUST IN CASE THEY OFFER.

BUT THIS IS BIG.

YEAH, I GUESS IT IS. AH,
WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK? TAYLOR.

HOW DID TAYLOR BREAK THE WINDOW?

HOW DO YOU THINK?
BY BEIN' TAYLOR.

TAYLOR'S TAYLORNESS
CAN NOW BREAK GLASS?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
HE'S DOIN' SOMETHING,

AND CRASH, BANG, THERE YOU GO.

HEY, IS IT, UH, 6:00 YET?

A LITTLE PAST.

OH, SHOOT. TOWN
MEETING'S STARTED.

SO?

SO I THOUGHT WE'D GO. I MEAN,
YOU LIKE THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?

UH, YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T.

THIS IS... THIS IS YOUR
BIG NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

WITH THE ARTICLE AND EVERYTHING.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE
HIT THE TOWN MEETING

AND THEN WE'LL GO GET SOMETHING
TO EAT LIKE A LITTLE CELEBRATION.

AH, SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH, GREAT. WE
GOTTA... WE GOTTA HURRY.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

COME ON, PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN.

PATTY, WHAT ABOUT
THE COUCH YOU HAVE

IN THE BACK OF THE STUDIO?

IN HER FREEZING-COLD STUDIO

WITH NO INSULATION AND
NO HEAT. SOUNDS GREAT.

HI. HI, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

PROBLEMS WITH KIRK'S SCHEDULE.

AH, CAN'T SHERIFF TAYLOR

JUST LET HIM SHARE A CELL
WITH OTIS FOR THE NIGHT?

MAYBE THE MORRISSES
WILL TAKE HIM AGAIN.

THEIR KID STUCK
THINGS IN MY NOSE.

WELL THEN, LOCK THE
DOOR WHEN YOU SLEEP.

IT WASN'T WHILE I WAS ASLEEP.

HEY, HOW'D YOU DRAG LUKE HERE?

AH, HE WANTED TO COME.

I'LL JUST SLEEP
OUTSIDE IN THE GAZEBO.

I WOULD ASK, THOUGH,

THAT IF I DIE FROM EXPOSURE,

DON'T JUST DUMP
ME IN THE LANDFILL.

NO ONE'S DUMPING
YOU IN A LANDFILL, KIRK.

IT'S AGAINST REGULATIONS.

LET'S PIGEONHOLE
THIS MATTER FOR NOW,

PEOPLE, TO GET ON TO OUR
NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS.

IT'S THE MATTER OF THE ESTATE
OF THE LATE JOSHUA TWICKHAM.

YOU BRING FOOD?

AFTER THE TRAIL-MIX
FIASCO? I WOULDN'T DARE.

SHH.

SORRY.

I'M HAPPY TO SAY THAT
THIS BELOVED ELDER

WAS GENEROUS EVEN
ON HIS DEATHBED.

MR. TWICKHAM HAS
LEFT HIS BEAUTIFUL HOME

TO THE TOWN.

[all exclaiming]

IS HIS DEATHBED STILL
THERE? I'M NOT PICKY.

WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN, "TO THE TOWN"?

LUKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JUST KEEP GOING, TAYLOR.

HE LEFT THE HOUSE

TO THE STARS HOLLOW
HISTORICAL SOCIETY

ALONG WITH HIS AMPLE COLLECTION

OF VALUABLE MEMORABILIA.

HIS WILL STIPULATES
THAT THE HOUSE

IS TO BE CONVERTED
INTO A MUSEUM.

A MUSEUM?

ARE YOU GOING TO INTERRUPT
ME THE WHOLE MEETING?

I'M JUST ASKIN'.

A STARS HOLLOW MUSEUM.

WE WILL DISPLAY HIS
PERSONAL HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS

FOR A PERIOD OF 2 MONTHS.

AFTER 2 MONTHS THE
HOUSE IS TO BE DISPOSED OF

AT THE DISCRETION OF THE
HEAD OF THE HISTORICAL SOCIETY,

HE MEANING ME.

OH, GOODY.

SO, NOW YOU'RE GONNA
TALK UNDER YOUR BREATH.

I'M SORRY.

FUNNY, I DIDN'T HEAR THOSE
WORDS COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

THIS MORNING AFTER
YOU TRIED TO KILL ME.

[whispering] WHAT?

SO WE'RE GOING TO
NEED STRONG VOLUNTEERS

TO MAKE THIS DREAM A REALITY.

NOW, ANYONE WITH
THE APPROPRIATE SKILLS,

LET'S SEE A SHOW OF HANDS.

UH, YOU REALLY HAVE TO
FILL ME IN ON THE GAG HERE.

LUKE, DON'T COME TO THESE
THINGS JUST TO MOCK OUR BUSINESS.

I'M NOT MOCKING
ANYTHING. I'M VOLUNTEERING.

AFTER YOU THREW A
FRYING PAN AT MY HEAD.

YOU THREW A FRYING
PAN AT TAYLOR'S HEAD?

JUST FOR PLAYING
MY MUZAK TOO LOUD.

I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LOVE MUZAK?

OH, MUSIC LOVERS?

THE THING SLIPPED
OUT OF MY HAND.

RIGHT AFTER YOU SAID, QUOTE,
UM, "YOU BETTER DUCK, TAYLOR,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO THROW
THIS FRYING PAN AT YOUR HEAD."

YOU THREW A FRYING
PAN AT TAYLOR'S HEAD

WITHOUT ME THERE? I HATE YOU.

I'M VOLUNTEERING.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

PATTY, TAKE DOWN THE NAMES

OF THE LEGITIMATE
VOLUNTEERS, PLEASE.

NOW, WHOEVER IS
ACTUALLY GOING TO SHOW UP,

OUR DAY WILL
START AT 7:00 SHARP.

TO THE REST, SHAME ON YOU.

(Taylor) NOW ON TO ITEM NUMBER 3

BUDGETARY CONCERNS
ABOUT THE NEW SNOWPLOW.

I'M SORRY, DOES TAYLOR HAVE

COMPROMISING PICTURES
OF YOU OR SOMETHING?

IT'S NO JOKE.

WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU
VOLUNTEERING FOR TAYLOR?

WELL, UM...

LUKE?

HOW WELL DID YOU
KNOW OLD MAN TWICKHAM?

SOMEWHAT.

WELL, I KNEW HIM ALL MY LIFE.

HE WAS LIKE ANOTHER
DAD, IN A WAY.

OH, NICE.

I DIDN'T SHOW UP TO SAY GOODBYE

AND I WAS FEELING A
LITTLE GUILTY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS A GOOD GUY.

I JUST WANT TO DO RIGHT BY HIM.

YEAH, YOU ARE A TERRIFIC
FELLOW, LUKE DANES.

NO, KIRK. IF YOU BUILD
AN IGLOO TO SLEEP IN

AND THE TOWN PLOW
RUNS OVER IT AND KILLS YOU,

WE ARE NOT GOING TO JUST
LEAVE YOUR CORPSE IN THE SNOW.

OK, BUT I DON'T
WANT TO BE A BURDEN.

LET'S STORE ALL
THE BOXES INSIDE,

SORT THROUGH THEM IN THERE,

THEN STORE WHAT WE
DON'T NEED IN THE GARAGE.

MORNING, TAYLOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I VOLUNTEERED.

I DON'T GET THE JOKE.

THERE'S NO JOKE.
I'M AT YOUR DISPOSAL.

NOW, WE'RE GONNA NEED
A NICE, FLAT STAGING AREA.

PERHAPS OVER THERE,

BECAUSE THERE'S NO
SPACE HERE OUT FRONT.

WHAT ABOUT RIGHT HERE?

MY OFFICE IS GOING HERE.

YOUR OFFICE? WHY DO
YOU NEED AN OFFICE?

SO, YOU CAME TO COMPLAIN?

NO, I WAS JUST...

I'M ORGANIZING. I'M
WORKING. I NEED AN OFFICE.

OK, FINE. SORRY. CARRY ON.

COME ON, EVERYBODY.

LET'S HOOK UP
WITH PEOPLE INSIDE,

AND I'LL START HANDING
OUT ASSIGNMENTS.

UH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

INSIDE.

WHY?

I'M A VOLUNTEER.

[people chattering]

HEY, LUKE. HEY, KYLE.

JUST THOUGHT I'D LEND A HAND.

MMM-HMM, GOOD ONE.

IS THIS EVERYBODY, PEOPLE?

I BELIEVE SO, TAYLOR.

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

I CAN'T KEEP ANSWERING
THIS QUESTION.

COME IN, GOOD FOLK.

WE ARE EMBARKING ON A
WONDERFUL ADVENTURE.

RIGHT HERE IN THIS
ROOM, WE'LL DISPLAY

MR. TWICKHAM'S IMPRESSIVE
COLLECTION OF MEMORABILIA.

UPSTAIRS, WE'LL HOUSE
THE MULTIMEDIA DIORAMAS

DEPICTING THE
HISTORY OF THE TOWN.

SOUNDS GOOD.

NOW, I TOOK THE
LIBERTY OF DOING UP

SOME FUN SHIRTS
THAT WE ALL CAN WEAR.

EVERYONE, PLEASE, PUT ONE ON.

[all muttering]

(Taylor) ISN'T THAT NICE?

UH, THEY ALL TAKE
A COLD-WATER WASH

AND TUMBLE DRY. LOW.

NOW, BEFORE WE BEGIN,

I'D LIKE US ALL TO JOIN HANDS.

WHAT?

HE'S A TWISTED LITTLE
PERV, IF YOU ASK ME.

COME ON, EVERYBODY. TAKE HANDS.

LET'S CLOSE OUR EYES
AND VISUALIZE OUR GOAL.

PICTURE A FRECKLE-FACED
BOY, EYES WIDE WITH CURIOSITY,

DRINKING IN THE
HISTORY OF THE TOWN

AS HE WANDERS THE ROOM.

HE'S BY THE DOOR. HE'S
GOING BY THE STAIRS.

HE'S DELIGHTING.

LUKE'S PEEKING.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE
PEEKING TOO, SNITCH.

QUIET, PLEASE.

HEY, I'VE LOST TRACK, WHERE'S
THE FRECKLE-FACED KID WALKING?

OK, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH
VISUALIZING, EVERYBODY.

HOW ABOUT WE START
ORGANIZING ALL THESE BOXES, OK?

(girl) ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

I'D LIKE A MOMENT
WITH YOU, LUKE.

IT'S TIME TO LET
GO THERE, TAYLOR.

I WANT THE STRAIGHT
SKINNY FROM YOU.

REALLY? LET GO OF MY HAND.

NOT UNTIL YOU TELL
ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I'M REALLY JUST TRYING TO
GET MY HAND AWAY FROM YOU.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?
WHY DID YOU VOLUNTEER?

BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

LUKE, YOU HATED
OLD MAN TWICKHAM.

I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.

YOU SAID DESPICABLE THINGS
ABOUT HIM YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

[sighing]

WELL, OK, IF YOU MUST
KNOW, LORELAI ASKED ME.

LORELAI? THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH BIT OF A ROUGH PATCH.

YES.

WELL, I WANT TO MAKE
THINGS RIGHT WITH HER,

GET OFF TO A GOOD NEW START.

SHE REALLY WANTS ME TO GET
INVOLVED IN COMMUNITY THINGS

AND SHE ASKED ME
TO GET INVOLVED.

SO I'M DOING IT FOR HER.

WELL, I THINK THAT'S VERY NICE.

SO I'M HERE FOR YOU,
TAYLOR, 100 PERCENT.

GOOD, BECAUSE
YOU'RE NOT UNTALENTED.

THANK YOU.

HOW ABOUT I MAKE YOU
MY RIGHT-HAND MAN?

STICK BY ME. BE ME WHEN I'M
NOT HERE. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, I'LL NEED MY RIGHT
HAND BACK FOR THAT, I THINK.

OF COURSE.

OK, GOOD.

THIS IS A NEW SIDE OF
YOU, LUKE, AND I LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
STARTED, EVERYBODY.

[people chattering]

(Sandra) SO, WHICH IS
YOUR FAVORITE ROOM?

OH, THAT CHANGES DAILY.
TODAY, IT'S THE LIBRARY.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT IT?

IT HUGS YOU, YOU KNOW.
DOES THAT SOUND SILLY?

NOT AT ALL.

OH, THE KITCHEN TURNED
OUT SO WONDERFULLY,

SO, UH, THE KITCHEN AND THE
LIBRARY ARE DUKING IT OUT RIGHT NOW.

I SHOULD DEFINITELY GET
THE NAME OF YOUR DESIGNER.

"NERS." WE WENT
THROUGH QUITE A FEW.

REALLY? THE
DESIGN'S SO COHESIVE.

WHAT YOU SEE IS A LOT OF ME.

UH, SHE SAID THAT SO HUMBLY.

HEY, CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.

I PUT MY SOUL INTO THIS PLACE,

MY HEART, MY LIVER,
A COUPLE OF KIDNEYS...

AND I HAD A GREAT
PARTNER IN SOOKIE.

AND, UH, WE HAD A GREAT
COMMUNITY ROOTING FOR US.

THAT'S WHAT YOU FEEL HERE.

SUPPORT, FAMILY,
HOMINESS, WARMTH.

IT MUST REFLECT YOUR UPBRINGING.

[snickers]

(Sandra) NO?

I'M JUST HAPPY I WASN'T SIPPING
COFFEE WHEN YOU SAID THAT.

IT WOULD'VE COME OUT MY NOSE.

OH, CHILDHOOD WASN'T
SO WARM AND FUZZY?

YOU KNOW SUPERMAN'S
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE?

A JAMAICAN BEACH COMPARED
TO MY MOTHER'S HOUSE.

SO I'LL CROSS YOUR MOTHER
OFF YOUR LIST OF INSPIRATIONS.

NO, I ACTUALLY DID PICK
UP SOME VALUABLE LESSONS

ON RUNNING A STAFF
FROM MY MOTHER.

HOW SO?

WELL, I CONSIDER WHAT MY MOTHER
WOULD DO IN A GIVEN SITUATION,

THEN I DIAL IT BACK AND I HAVE
WHAT MUSSOLINI WOULD DO,

THEN I DIAL IT BACK, AND I
HAVE WHAT STALIN WOULD DO,

AND THEN I DIAL THAT BACK.
AND IT STARTS APPROACHING

WHAT A SANE PERSON WOULD DO.

OUCH.

YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT LET'S
FIND A TOPIC HAPPIER

THAN MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH MY MOTHER.

BASICALLY, THAT'D BE
ANYTHING SHORT OF FAMINE.

OK.

I WILL TELL YOU ONE
STORY ABOUT MY MOTHER

ON A FAMILY VACATION.

JIMMY CARTER WAS THERE,
AND HE HAD A BIGGER ROOM...

(Taylor) ALL RIGHTY,

UPSTAIRS FLOORS AND
WALLS CLEANED, CHECK.

AND BLACKOUT CURTAINS DELIVERED

AND READY TO BE
INSTALLED, CHECK.

UH, LUKE?

YEAH.

IT WOULD REALLY HELP
TO HEAR YOU SAY "CHECK."

WELL, I'M... I'M
GETTING IT, TAYLOR.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW THAT
UNLESS YOU SAY "CHECK"

AFTER I SAY "CHECK"?

FINE.

AND AUDIO EQUIPMENT DELIVERED,

AWAITING MOUNTING
BRACKETS, CHECK?

[sighing] CHECK.

EXCELLENT.

[boys laughing]

BOYS, BOYS, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I TOOK THE MANNEQUIN
BY THE ARMS, AND I SAID...

WAIT, WAIT, I'LL TELL HIM.

SO HE GOES "GRAB
THE OTHER END"...

NO, NO, I SAID, "GRAB
HER END." RIGHT.

SO I GRABBED HER RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT UNDER HER REAR END.

HER REAR END!

I WAS WALKING WITH IT LIKE THAT.

REALLY, DO I HAVE TO
SEPARATE YOU TWO?

NOW SET THAT DOWN
AND BRING IN THE OTHERS.

MODESTLY.

[both laughing]

SO, GYPSY, FIND SOME
INTERESTING STUFF?

HOW DOES A GEORGE
WASHINGTON LETTER SOUND?

FANTASTIC. WOW, THAT'S GREAT.

MINT CONDITION, TOO.

LET'S FRAME IT AND HANG
IT IN A PLACE OF HONOR.

UH, I'M NOT SURE THIS
IS WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S A LETTER
TO THE EDITOR OF A NEWSPAPER,

SIGNED GEORGE WASHINGTON.

IT'S DATED 1944.

THAT'S A LITTLE
SMUDGED. IT COULD BE 1744.

IT MENTIONS JACK BENNY.

WELL, WE COULD CROSS
OUT THE JACK BENNY PART.

LET'S PUT IT ON THE
"TO BE DISPLAYED" PILE,

AND WE'LL AUTHENTICATE
IT AT A LATER TIME.

ACTUALLY, WHY DON'T WE PUT
IT IN THE "MAYBE" PILE, TAYLOR?

THERE'S GOT TO BE
BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S KEEP
OUR STANDARDS HIGH.

GOOD THINKING, LUKE.

NOW, GYPSY, AS SOON AS WE
HAVE EVERYTHING CATALOGUED,

MY MAN, LUKE, HERE,

WILL LIAISE WITH YOU TO
COORDINATE YOUR NEEDS.

RIGHT, WE'LL LIAISE.

FINE, BUT I'M NOT
DOING NOTHING DIRTY.

CARRY ON.

OK, SO WE SHOULD START MOVING
THIS STUFF IN THE OTHER ROOM

SO WE CAN CLEAN HERE.

LUKE? YEAH.

TAYLOR WOULD LIKE TO
SEE YOU IN HIS OFFICE.

WHAT? HE WAS JUST HERE.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(Taylor) COME IN.

[door closing]

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

AH, LUKE, YES. SIT DOWN,
WON'T YOU? WE NEED TO TALK.

NOW, IF YOU'RE GOING
TO DISAGREE WITH ME,

WHICH YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO,

PLEASE DON'T DO IT IN FRONT
OF THE REST OF THE CREW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON
LETTER? I WAS HUMILIATED.

NO, YOU WEREN'T.

LUKE, WE'RE A TEAM.
DON'T FORGET THAT.

FINE, OK.

I WON'T DISAGREE WITH
YOU IN FRONT OF THE CREW.

GOOD. ALTHOUGH, IT'S
PROBABLY SAFEST FOR YOU

NOT TO DISAGREE WITH
ME AT ALL, DON'T YOU THINK?

UH, SURE, I AGREE.

[phone beeping] GOOD.

(Kirk) TAYLOR?

THIS IS TAYLOR DOOSE.

THE CARPENTER IS HERE, TAYLOR.

COPY THAT.

UH, LIAISE WITH HIM, WILL YOU?

YOU TOOK THE WORDS
RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

WHERE'S THE GUY, KIRK?

RIGHT OVER THERE.

(Kyle) THIS IS BETTER THAN
ROCKEM SOCKEM ROBOTS.

(Kirk) I LOVE ROCKEM
SOCKEM ROBOTS.

YEAH.

(Kyle) WATCH THE HOOK,
MAN. THAT'S NO FAIR.

TAKE THAT! YEAH.

♪ [music playing on T.V.]

[sighing]

EVERY ONE OF THESE
PEOPLE IS DEAD.

THAT MAKES ME SAD.

(Rory) THAT MOVIE'S
FROM THE '60s.

THEY'RE NOT ALL DEAD.

WELL, THEY'RE OLD,
OSTEOPOROSISTIC.

THESE DAYS, IF THEY SHAKE IT,
THEY BREAK IT. THAT MAKES ME SAD.

SWITCH BACK TO MAHLER.

HEY, IT WAS YOUR IDEA
FOR ME TO WATCH A MOVIE.

IT WAS MY IDEA FOR
YOU TO DO WHATEVER

IT TOOK TO GET
YOUR MIND OFF DOYLE.

SO YOU'RE GOING AWAY, HUH?

NO HUNTZBERGER THIS WEEKEND?

OBVIOUSLY NOT.

YOU GUYS WERE HOT AND HEAVY FOR
A COUPLE OF WEEKS. WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING.

YOUR FEAST TURNED
INTO FAMINE, HUH?

FINE, IF YOU MUST KNOW, YES.

SEE, PARIS? I'M NOT IN DENIAL.

LOGAN AND I WERE HOT AND HEAVY.

HAD A GOOD 2 WEEKS.

THEN IT BECAME ABOUT
VOICE MAILS, THEN CRICKETS.

SO, YES, HE PULLED
BACK, AND I'M GOING CRAZY,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA
STAY HERE AND WALLOW

AND WATCH YOU BE ALL DEPRESSED.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT YOU STAYING HERE.

YOU SHOULD GET
OUT. I SHOULD GET OUT.

THIS PLACE IS POISON. IT IS.

I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE
THIS. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE

SO THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO READ

AN IN-DEPTH BIOGRAPHY ABOUT
MYSELF IN LATER YEARS AND NOT PUKE.

GOOD.

I'M GOING TO GET UP AND PACK,

AND I'M GOING TO HAVE
SOME FUN THIS WEEKEND.

GOOD.

HOW DOES THIS END?

THEY DANCE AGAIN.

OK.

HEY, ZACH, GRANDE'S
CLOSES AT 8:00 TONIGHT

A LITTLE EARLY BECAUSE IT'S
ONE OF HIS KIDS' BIRTHDAYS,

BUT I CHECKED WITH LUKE,
AND HE'S LETTING ME OFF AT 7:00,

SO WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

FOR WHAT?

TO SHOP AT GRANDE'S.

WE SET IT UP LAST WEEK.

WE DID? YES.

HUH.

WELL, COULD WE GO NEXT WEEK?

ZACH, WE HAVEN'T HIT
GRANDE'S IN 4 MONTHS.

WE'RE COMPLETELY OUT
OF CLEANING SUPPLIES.

WELL, I CAN'T GO TONIGHT,
SO JUST GO WITHOUT ME.

BUT YOU LOVE SHOPPING
FOR CLEANING SUPPLIES.

I KNOW, BUT TONIGHT,
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO DO.

WHAT?

JUST GONNA GO CHILL
WITH SOME FRIENDS.

WHO?

WELL, OFFICER, OK, I
CONFESS! BODY'S IN THE TRUNK.

ZACH.

I'M JUST GONNA SEE
SOME OLD FRIENDS.

GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT,
NAMES AND ADDRESSES?

NO, FINE, I'LL GO BY MYSELF.

GOOD.

GOOD?

AND DON'T FORGET.

GET A DISHWASHING LIQUID
THAT'S GENTLE ON MY HANDS.

I WILL.

♪ [music playing]

HELLO.

HI. HONEY.

THIS IS OK, RIGHT?

SPRINGING A
SURPRISE VISIT ON YOU?

THIS IS YOUR
DEFINITION OF SURPRISE?

[chuckling] THIS IS
NOT A SURPRISE.

COME ON IN. I'LL
SHOW YOU A SURPRISE.

PARIS.

I PACKED MY BAGS AND WAS ON
THE ROAD BEFORE I REMEMBERED

THAT MY PARENTS DON'T OWN
PROPERTY IN THE UNITED STATES ANYMORE.

SINCE WHEN?

SINCE THE I.R.S. REDD
FOXXED MY FATHER.

THE PLACE IN ASYLUM HILL,
THE NANTUCKET COTTAGE.

EVEN THE CRACK HOUSE IN HARLEM
THAT WE CONVERTED INTO A CO-OP

WAS SOLD OFF TO ONE
OF THE QUEER EYE GUYS.

WHERE DID THEY GO?

THEY'RE GOING TO WIRE
ME WHEN THEY'RE SAFE.

ANYWAY, I'M HERE.
SHOULD I LEAVE?

NO, STAY. IF IT'S OK WITH MOM.

IT'S OK WITH ME.

SO I GUESS YOU CAN
HAVE THE COUCH.

UH, SORRY, THAT'S SPOKEN FOR.

WHAT?

HEY, RORY. THIS
IS A NICE SURPRISE.

THE MOUDESES WERE
SUPPOSED TO HAVE HIM TONIGHT.

THEY HAVE GOLDFISH.
KIRK'S AFRAID OF GOLDFISH.

THEY'RE ALWAYS STARING AT YOU,

ALL GOLD AND UNBLINKING.

I LIKE SLEEPING ON
THE FLOOR, ANYWAY.

IT'S GOOD FOR MY BACK.

OK, ENJOY.

CAN I, UM...

MMM. MMM-HMM.

(Kirk) HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT GOLDFISH?

SO, WHAT INSPIRED YOUR VISIT?

JUST NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

OH, WELL, DON'T I FEEL SPECIAL?

OH, SORRY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU MEAN, "I LOVE YOU,
MOMMY. I MISS YOU, MOMMY."

THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.

SO, NO PARTIES OR
ANYTHING? NO DATES?

NO, JUST A NICE QUIET WEEKEND.

IT'S PERFECT.

OH, WAIT,

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
PLANNED WITH LUKE TONIGHT?

DON'T CANCEL IT ON MY ACCOUNT.

NO, IT'S OK. HE'S BUSY.

TAYLOR'S MAKING HIM DRIVE OUT
TO FETCH A HISTORICAL CANNONBALL

THAT OLD MAN TWICKHAM HAD
LENT TO HIS SISTER IN MYSTIC.

WHAT WOULD YOU BORROW
A CANNONBALL FOR?

IT'S BEEN BUGGING ME, TOO. MMM.

SO HOW'D YOUR
MAGAZINE INTERVIEW GO?

GOOD, I THINK. I MEAN, I'VE
NEVER DONE ONE BEFORE.

SHE DIDN'T STAB ME WITH
HER PENCIL OR ANYTHING.

A VERY GOOD SIGN.

MY INTERVIEWER WAS REALLY COOL.

SANDRA. IT WAS MORE
LIKE FRIENDS CHATTING

THAN BEING INTERVIEWED.

SHE LOVED THE INN. SHE
ASKED SOME GOOD QUESTIONS

AND SHE LOVED,
LOVED MY EMILY STUFF.

YOUR EMILY STUFF?

YES, SHE ASKED ME QUESTIONS
ABOUT MY BACKGROUND.

I GAVE IT TO HER, UNPLUGGED.

YOU DIDN'T.

SHE ASKED.

BUT YOU COUCHED IT, RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN, YOU DESCRIBED
IT, IN SO MANY WORDS,

COLORFUL BUT UNEMOTIONAL?

I CALLED HER THE FEMALE POL POT.

MOM, YOU DIDN'T.

[giggling] SHE LAUGHED
FOR LIKE A MINUTE.

THAT'S SO HARSH.

HARSH, BUT TRUE.

CAN I GET SOME WATER?

WHY ARE YOU COVERING
YOUR EYES, KIRK?

IN CASE YOU'RE NAKED.

YOU THOUGHT I'D WALK INTO MY
DAUGHTER'S ROOM AND GET NAKED?

I DON'T KNOW YOUR
DOMESTIC ROUTINE.

GLASSES ARE ABOVE THE SINK.

SO, YOU ATTRIBUTE ANY
WAR CRIMES TO GRANDMA?

ANY ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS?

QUIT! WE WERE JUST TALKING.

SHE WON'T PRINT ANY OF IT.

WHY? WAS IT OFF THE RECORD?

YEAH, TECHNICALLY. IT
WASN'T ABOUT THE INN.

BUT DID YOU SAY,
"IT'S OFF THE RECORD"?

NO.

THEN IT'S FAIR GAME.
SHE CAN PRINT ALL OF IT.

INCLUDING THE LIMERICK?

YOU DID YOUR LIMERICK?

I AM VERY PROUD OF IT.

I FOUND 2 DIRTY WORDS
THAT RHYME WITH EMILY.

OH, BOY.

CAN'T I CALL THE REPORTER AND
TELL HER IT WAS OFF THE RECORD?

YOU CAN'T TAKE THINGS OFF
THE RECORD ONCE THEY'RE ON.

WELL, SO WHAT? THE CHANCES
THAT MY MOTHER READS

AMERICAN TRAVEL
ARE EXTREMELY SLIM.

YEAH,

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I
TOLD HER ABOUT IT TONIGHT.

AHEM, I NEEDED SOME SMALL TALK.

AND "HOW ARE THE
GIRLS AT THE CLUB?"

AND "OOH, THAT'S GORGEOUS, IS
IT NEW?" DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE?

THOSE ARE TRIED
AND TRUE STANDBYS.

WELL, I TOLD HER
ABOUT IT, AND SHE

JOTTED DOWN THE TITLE.
SHE'S GONNA READ IT.

OK, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

FINE, LET HER. I-IT'S ALL TRUE.

I'M TIRED OF PROTECTING
PEOPLE, OF BEING POLITE,

OF WORRYING ABOUT
OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

LET HER GET ALL CONDOLEEZZA RICE

TO MY BARBARA
BOXER IF SHE WANTS.

(Kirk) OW. KIRK, YOU
CAN OPEN YOUR EYES.

(Kirk) I'M FINE.

[thudding] (Kirk) OW, MY HEAD.

KIRK.

[thudding] I'M FINE. OW, MY TOE.

KIRK.

[thudding] OW, MY KNEE.

(Lorelai) KIRK.

[thudding]

[thudding]

YOU WERE RIGHT. WE SHOULD'VE
TIED THE CANNONBALL DOWN.

TAYLOR, YOU DON'T LIKE
TO DRIVE AFTER DARK,

SO WE DIDN'T HAVE
TIME TO TIE IT DOWN.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE PROPER TOOLS

TO SECURE IT WITH,
ANYWAY. NETTING, TWINE...

YES, WELL, DRAT MY LUCK.

I TOOK ALL MY
CANNONBALL-SECURING TOOLS

OUT OF THE TRUCK JUST YESTERDAY.

MUST WEIGH ABOUT 100 POUNDS.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OH, GOOD, WE'RE
IN LUCK. HEY, DEAN.

NO, TAYLOR, I'LL MOVE IT MYSELF.

LUKE, DON'T BE HEADSTRONG.

ONCE, I SPRAINED MY
PECS LIFTING A BIRDBATH,

AND THEY WERE NO
GOOD TO ME EVER AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU NEED, TAYLOR?

GOT A BIG HEAVY BALL HERE.

HOW ARE YOUR PECS?

THEY'RE FINE.

HELP US TO THE HOUSE?

[both grunting]

LOOK, BUDDY...

WHERE DO YOU WANT IT, TAYLOR?

UH, ON THE LAWN IS FINE.

WE'LL PUT IT IN PLACE
TOMORROW MORNING.

[groans]

(Taylor) LUCKY YOU WERE HERE.

[sighing] YEAH, LUCKY.

BREAKFAST.

MORNING.

MORNING. RORY, ARE YOU UP?

SHE'S PROBABLY ON THE PHONE.

I'M NOT ON THE PHONE. I
WAS JUST GETTING DRESSED.

COFFEE?

(both) DEFINITELY, YES.

SO, DID YOU GET ANY REST?

KIRK TALKS IN HIS SLEEP.

ANYTHING JUICY?

HE DEALS BLACKJACK.

HMM. KIRK. (Kirk) YEAH?

TURN OFF THE T.V. COME
HAVE YOUR BREAKFAST.

(Kirk) IN A MINUTE.

NOW.

HOW OLD IS HE?

YOU'D HAVE TO CUT HIM
OPEN AND COUNT THE RINGS.

MORNING.

MORNING.

MORNING.

YOU REALLY SHOULD
SEE A SLEEP THERAPIST.

ROULETTE? BLACKJACK.

SORRY.

KIRK, IS THE T.V. STILL ON?

OH, I FORGOT.

NO, NO, I'LL GET IT.

YOU'D FORGET YOUR HEAD
IF IT WASN'T SCREWED ON.

DON'T DENY THAT YOU
WERE ON THE PHONE.

PHONE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM.

OH, THAT'S YOUR PHONE?

IT RANG ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

IT WAS RINGING? NO.

KNOCK IT OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

FINE.

NO FORTS.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ALL YOUR PLANS ARE,

BUT THE GRAND OPENING

OF THE STARS HOLLOW MUSEUM
IS THIS MORNING. ANY TAKERS?

IT'S ALWAYS AMUSING WHEN
PROVINCIALS GRASP FOR LEGITIMACY. I'M IN.

I WOULDN'T MISS IT.

I HELPED BUILD IT.

BULLY.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL FINISH UP HERE,
GRAB YOUR JACKETS, AND WE'LL GO.

I DON'T NEED A JACKET.

WELL, IT'S CHILLY, KIRK.

I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A JACKET.

WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU WON'T GO TO

THE GRAND OPENING OF
THE STARS HOLLOW MUSEUM.

[sighs] I'LL PUT ON MY JACKET.

FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST FIRST.

[gasps]

KIRK, DO NOT TURN THAT T.V. ON.

[T.V. playing]

KIRK. I MEAN IT, KIRK.

(Patty) PLEASE ENJOY THE MUSEUM,
AND COME BACK FOR SOME PUNCH.

GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

(both) HI, PATTY.

OH, I REMEMBER
YOU, YOU POOR THING.

THANKS.

THAT'S $3 EACH, BUT
THAT INCLUDES A PUNCH.

WOULD YOU LIKE YOURS NOW?

OH, HOW ABOUT LATER,
AFTER I EAT A LOAF OF BREAD

AND A POUND OF CRACKERS, AND
CHASE IT WITH A QUART OF OLIVE OIL.

[chuckles] WELL, IT'S NOT MY
PUNCH IF IT'S NOT STRONG.

HEY, YOU GUYS COMING?

OH, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
THE FIRST GROUP IN.

I'LL CATCH UP. I TOLD
LANE I'D MEET UP WITH HER.

OK, SEE YOU. BYE.

HOW YOU DOING?

I'M FINE.

DOYLE'S PROBABLY
CALLED ME AT THE DORM

AND MY NOT CALLING
HIM BACK MEANS

HE MAY NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.

THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU HAVE IT.

PARIS, YOU'VE COME
THIS FAR. DON'T BUCKLE.

I DON'T WANT TO BUCKLE.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BUCKLE.

HERE, KEEP IT FOR ME.

YOUR CELL PHONE? YOU SURE?

REMOVE THE TEMPTATION.

YOU GOT IT. THERE'S LANE.

HELLO.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, WE'RE A FUN GROUP.

PARIS.

WE PAID OUR $3.

MISS PATTY'S
LEFTOVER PUNCH IS USED

TO REMOVE TAR FROM
CONSTRUCTION SITES.

THEN LET IT REMOVE
THE TAR FROM OUR SOULS.

HERE IT IS.

AH, IT'S NICE.

YOU REALLY TURNED
THIS AROUND FAST, HUH?

WELL, IT WAS A TEAM EFFORT. HUH.

(Sookie) HEY, LOOK, OLD LETTERS.

OH, LOVE THOSE.

"LETTER FROM OLIVIA TAFT,
PURPORTED GRAND-NIECE

"BY MARRIAGE OF
PRESIDENT WILLIAM TAFT

"WRITTEN TO CHESTER HOBART,
ASSUMED DISTANT RELATIVE

TO GARRET HOBART, VICE
PRESIDENT TO WILLIAM MCKINLEY."

WOW.

[gasping] I LOVE HISTORY.

[exclaims]

OH, POSSIBLY RARE
48-STAR AMERICAN FLAG.

AH, LOOK AT THAT.

SOMEONE WAS SUPPOSED TO
TAKE THE SEARS TAG OFF OF IT.

WHAT'S THIS?

"CIVIL WAR ERA CANNONBALL."

AH, WHERE'S THE CANNONBALL?

FLASHLIGHTS.

I DON'T SEE IT.

UM, OH, WAIT. RIGHT
THERE. RIGHT THERE.

OH, YEAH. YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH. COOL.

(Taylor) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

OUR AUDIOVISUAL PRESENTATION
WILL COMMENCE IN 5 MINUTES.

5 MINUTES, EVERYBODY.

HEY, CHECK OUT THAT PAINTING.

OH, YEAH. ACTUALLY,
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

IT'S A POSSIBLE CIRCA-19TH
CENTURY PORTRAIT

OF WHAT WE THINK MAY HAVE
BEEN THE FOUNDER OF A SCHOOL

THAT POSSIBLY EDUCATED
BEN FRANKLIN'S COUSINS.

NICE.

OH.

HE JUST FLAT-OUT
LOOKED OUT OF HIS FACE,

RIGHT INTO MY FACE

AND SAID TO MY FACE
THAT HE WAS LYING.

ZACH SAID THAT HE WAS LYING?

NO. HE LIED FROM
HIS FACE INTO MY FACE

ABOUT WHERE HE WAS GOING.

THAT'S WHAT HURTS
THE MOST. THE LIE.

EXCEPT FOR SEEING
HIM WITH THAT WOMAN.

THAT HURTS MOST.
MORE THAN THE LIE.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D
STUMBLE ONTO THE TRUTH.

JUST ACCIDENTALLY.

SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"2 PLUS 2 EQUALS 4"

JUST BECAUSE THEY
SAY SO MANY THINGS

JUST ACCIDENTALLY.
THAT'S LIKE...

[sighing] MAN!

I KNOW.

THEY JUST HAVE TO REPOPULATE
THE SPECIES, YOU KNOW?

JUST SPREAD IT AROUND.

OH, THEY LIKE TO SPREAD
IT AROUND, ALL RIGHT.

I BET YOU DOYLE'S
SPREADING IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW
THAT HE'S SPREADING IT.

THIS IS TASTY.

I'VE HAD IT.

HAD WHAT?

I'M GETTING TO THE
BOTTOM OF THIS.

SPANK HIS BOTTOM.

HE CAN'T DO THIS.

WE'RE FRIENDS, TOO,

AS WELL AS LOVERS IF
WE EVER GET MARRIED.

SHE WALKS FUNNY.

I'M THIRSTY.

THIS PUNCH MAKES YOU THIRSTY.

[sighing] WHERE IS THE
NEAREST BATHROOM?

NO, PARIS, NO. STAY.

I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU'RE GOING TO CALL DOYLE.

WHAT? YOU'VE GOT MY CELL PHONE.

WE'RE LOW-TECH
HERE IN THE HOLLOW,

BUT WE DO HAVE PAY PHONES.

I'M NOT GOING TO CALL DOYLE.

YES, YOU ARE.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE
MONEY ON ME. UH-HUH.

FINE. TAKE MY SHOES, OK?

HOW FAR CAN I GET
WITHOUT MY SHOES?

NOW, BATHROOM?

OVER THERE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

GOOD.

[people chattering]

EXCUSE ME, COULD I TROUBLE
YOU FOR SOME CHANGE?

EXCUSE ME, I JUST NEED CHANGE
TO MAKE A CALL. COULD YOU...

I JUST NEED TO MAKE A CALL.

[dog barking]

[sighing]

HMM. WHERE ARE WE GOING?

YOU'LL SEE. (Lorelai)
WHAT IS THIS?

YOU WOULDN'T
WANT ME TO SPOIL IT.

(Taylor) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME TO THE STARS HOLLOW
DIORAMIC HISTORY ROOM PRESENTATION.

PLEASE STAND TOWARDS
THE CENTER OF THE ROOM,

AND REMEMBER, NO TALKING,
NO SMOKING, AND, PLEASE,

NO LEWD BEHAVIOR OF ANY
KIND DURING OUR PRESENTATION.

HEY.

JUST GETTING THE LEWD BEHAVIOR

OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE
THE PRESENTATION.

(Taylor) IT'S THE DAWN OF TIME.

AND WHETHER YOU BELIEVE

THAT A SUPREME BEING
CREATED THE EARTH

OR IN THE MORE AND MORE
DISCREDITED THEORY OF EVOLUTION,

ONE THING'S FOR CERTAIN:

EARLY MAN WALKED THE
LAND WE ARE NOW ON.

AND WHILE NO PRINTED
RECORDS SURVIVE,

THERE'S NO PROOF
THAT THE FIRST TOOLS

WEREN'T INVENTED RIGHT
HERE IN STARS HOLLOW.

[man grunting]

(Lorelai) HUH. THAT WRENCH
IS REALLY GETTING HIM HOT.

HEY, THERE'S PEOPLE.

THAT'S HALF THE FUN.

(Taylor) ZOOMING FORWARD IN TIME
TO THE FOUNDING OF STARS HOLLOW,

THE VERY FIRST PEOPLE
TO LIVE ON THIS LAND

BESIDES THE INDIANS,

WAS THE JEBEDIAH FAMILY.

GOOD PURITANS, THEY WERE LED

BY THE HUMBLE REVEREND EZEKIEL.

WITH HIM WAS WIFE
LOUISA, DAUGHTER HARRIET,

AND YOUNG SON JOSEPH,
BORN WITHOUT SPEECH.

I WONDER WHAT THAT
FIRST CONVERSATION WAS

WHEN THEY RODE UP
TO THEIR NEW HOME.

(Ezekiel) WHOA, BOY. GOOD GIRL.

YOU SMELL THAT AIR, MOTHER?

(Louisa) IT SMELLS
LIKE HOME, EZEKIEL.

[Ezekiel laughing]

AND LOOK AT THIS FERTILE SOIL
JUST A-WANTING TO YIELD CROPS.

IT SMELLS LIKE HOME, EZEKIEL.

BUT WHAT OF THE YOUNG'UNS?

WHAT HAVE THEY TO SAY
ABOUT THEIR NEW HOME?

(Harriet) WE CAN RUN IN
THE WOODS, PLAY GAMES,

AND BE SCHOOLED AT HOME.

HEY, MY DIVINING
ROD IS TWITCHING.

THAT MEANS THERE'S
WATER APLENTY.

BETTER GET INSIDE,
CHILDREN. IT'S TIME FOR SUPPER.

OK, MOTHER. I'M HUNGRY.

YOU HUNGRY, TOO, JOSEPH?

THOSE STARS, SO BRIGHT.
THIS FOREST, HOLLOW.

WHAT NAME SHOULD
I GIVE THIS PLACE?

HOLLOW, STARS.

HOLLOW, STARS...

[presentation stops playing]

NO. REALLY?

THE-THEY'RE... THEY'RE GONNA
LEAVE US ON A CLIFFHANGER?

[people chattering]

♪ [music playing]

SOPHIE.

GEEZ, LANE, I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR COFFEE RIGHT NOW.

YOU OWE ME AN
EXPLANATION, YOU... WOMAN!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I LOOKED TO YOU AS A ROLE MODEL.

WELL, NOT ANYMORE,

EXCEPT AS A ROLE
MODEL FOR HEARTBREAK.

I KNOW WHAT YOU CAN OFFER HIM.

YOU'RE BOHEMIAN AND EXPERIENCED,

FAMILIAR WITH THE WORLD
OF SENSUAL PLEASURE.

CHAMPAGNE, TIMES SQUARE.

I BET YOU EVEN SMOKED
A CIGARETTE OR 2.

OH, MY GOD, YOUR BREATH
WOULD STOP AN ELEPHANT.

YOU'VE NOT ONLY BEEN TO NEW
YORK, BUT YOU'VE LIVED THERE.

YOU KNOW WHERE THE BEST BAGELS
ARE, AND YOU'VE BEEN WITH MEN.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
HIM LIKE I KNOW HIM.

IT'S CHEAP THRILLS
FOR YOU, SISTER.

BUT I KNOW WHAT CLEANING
PRODUCTS HE LIKES. DO YOU?

I'M NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER THAT.

IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN A
MOMENT OF WEAKNESS

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
LIKE YOU. HE LIKES ME.

WHO? ZACH.

ZACH? ZACH.

COME HERE.

♪ [music continues playing]

ZACH?

LANE.

TALK.

WHY ARE YOU PLAYING A BANJO?

IT'S A BLUEGRASS BAND, OK?

I LIKE BLUEGRASS.

I LIKE JAMMING WITH THESE GUYS.

AND, YES, I LIKE THE BANJO.

BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

BECAUSE WE'RE
ROCK AND ROLL, LANE,

YOU AND ME. I WAS EMBARRASSED.

SO THE GUYS AND I HAVE
BEEN JAMMING ON THE SLY HERE.

SOPHIE LET US. I LIKE THE BANJO.

WELL, I LIKE THE BANJO,
TOO, WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING IT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

IT'S KIND OF HOT.

THE... THE GUYS ARE WATCHIN'.

WELL, GO BACK TO YOUR PLAYING.

COOL.

OH, AND I GOT 3
THINGS OF PINE-SOL.

I'VE BEEN DYING TO TELL YOU.

BUT THERE'S BEEN THIS
WEIRD THING BETWEEN US.

LEMON?

YEAH, 'CAUSE I KNOW
THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE.

LET'S HIT IT, BOYS.

HEY, I NEED SOME CHANGE HERE.

COME ON, DAMN IT.

YEAH, KEEP WALKING.
KEEP WALKING.

[blowing a raspberry]

HEY.

[horn honking]

HEY, I NEED 50 CENTS.
COME ON, JUST 50 CENTS!

WATCH IT.

(man) GET OUT OF THE STREET!

HEY,

GIVE ME 50 CENTS.
YEAH, FALL IN A HOLE.

[blowing a raspberry]

[phone ringing]

HEY, IT'S LOGAN.

LEAVE WHATEVER MESSAGE YOU WANT.

AND IF THIS IS FINN, BUDDY,
YOUR VOICEMAIL'S FULL AGAIN.

WE'RE MEETING AT
THE STARWOOD, 9:30,

THEN JUST CLUB-HOPPING
FROM THERE.

THERE'S 11 OF US, SO
BRING THE HUMMER.

DON'T BE MORE THAN
A HALF HOUR LATE,

AND ERASE THOSE STUPID MESSAGES.

[answering machine beeps]

(Taylor) SANITATION IN WARTIME.

NO ONE LIKES TO THINK ABOUT IT,

BUT IN STARS HOLLOW,
THAT'S ALL WE THOUGHT ABOUT.

A LOCAL MANUFACTURER, BUFF RITE

WAS THE SOLE
SUPPLIER OF ALL THINGS

PERTAINING TO
SANITATION AND HYGIENE

FOR OUR BOYS IN WORLD WAR II.

[chuckling] REMEMBER
THEIR SNAPPY THEME SONG?

(woman singing) ♪ WALK
LIGHT, SMELL RIGHT ♪

♪ HEAD HELD HIGH
WITH BUFF RITE ♪

(Taylor) CLOSED DUE TO A
DRAMATIC DROP IN DEMAND

FOR ITS CHIEF
PRODUCTS, URINAL CAKES,

THE BUFF RITE FACTORY
NEVERTHELESS AFFORDED

HUNDREDS OF STARS
HOLLOW RESIDENTS

HEALTHY LIVELIHOODS.

[cell phone ringing]

SORRY, THAT'S ME.
OH, I GOTTA TAKE THIS.

I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.
I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

AND I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.

[chuckles]

♪ WALK LIGHT, SMELL RIGHT ♪

(Taylor) REMEMBER THE '60s?

THE TOWN OF STARS HOLLOW DOES.

WHAT A HEADACHE!

A VERITABLE DARK AGE
CULMINATING IN A SIT-IN

THAT GATHERED OVER 1,000 FREAKS

FROM THE TRI-COUNTY AREA.

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO?

(Sandra) HI, LORELAI, IT'S
SANDRA FROM AMERICAN TRAVEL.

SANDRA, HI.

THANKS FOR GETTING
BACK TO ME SO QUICKLY.

NO PROBLEM. WHAT'S UP?

WELL, I WAS JUST THINKING
ABOUT THE INTERVIEW.

UH, IT WAS GREAT, BY THE WAY.

EVERYONE'S FLIPPED FOR IT HERE.

OH, WONDERFUL. THANK YOU.

UM, BUT I JUST WANTED
TO LET YOU KNOW,

I THINK I MAY HAVE
CROSSED A LINE

WITH THE STUFF ABOUT MY MOTHER.

WHAT? NO, IT WAS THE BEST PART.

OH, SO IT'S IN THE ARTICLE?

IT'S NOT THE DOMINANT THING,
BUT IT'S IN. IT'S GREAT COLOR.

RIGHT. WELL, I WAS
WONDERING IF MAYBE

YOU COULD LOSE
SOME OF THAT COLOR.

WOULD THAT SCREW
THINGS UP TOO MUCH?

OH, BUT THE STUFF ABOUT
YOUR MOTHER IS GREAT.

MY EDITOR FLIPPED.

WOW. SO IT'S ALREADY
GONE TO AN EDITOR.

WE TURN THINGS
AROUND PRETTY QUICKLY.

(Lorelai) I GUESS SO.

YOU KNOW, SANDRA, I
WOULD REALLY LIKE YOU

TO CUT ALL THE STUFF
ABOUT MY MOTHER.

UM, IT WOULD BE A BIG FAVOR.

I WOULD REALLY RATHER NOT.

IT WAS A LOT OF WORK.

OK, COULDN'T YOU JUST DO A
QUICK REWRITE FOR A FRIEND?

WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.

OH, RIGHT.

LOOK, IT'S TOO
LATE TO CHANGE IT.

THE ONLY OTHER OPTION WE
HAVE IS PULLING IT ALTOGETHER.

PULLING IT?

YEAH, AND JUST SUBBING
IN SOMETHING ELSE.

THE WHOLE ARTICLE? THE
COVER AND EVERYTHING?

THE WHOLE THING.

OH.

LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S GREAT. IT FLIES BY.

THE READERS ARE
GONNA LOVE IT, OK?

OK, SURE.

THANKS FOR CALLING ME BACK. BYE.

(man) I'M SURE LOOKING
FORWARD TO WORK TODAY.

(woman) BILLY, PUT YOUR ETCH-A-SKETCH
AWAY, AND COME SIT DOWN.

WHAT'S THIS?

MODERN LIFE IN STARS HOLLOW.

GREAT BREAKFAST, MOTHER.

YEAH, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN, MOM.

I JUST LOVE SERVING
BREAKFAST TO MY FAMILY.

AND I LOVE JESUS.

LOOK AT THESE CLAMORING
CROWDS, PARTNER.

YEAH, PEOPLE SEEM TO
BE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

IT WAS A RUSH JOB,
BUT SPECTACULAR.

IT'S MORE THAN I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

OH, WAY MORE.

I'M SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING
GOING PERMANENT WITH THIS.

WHAT?

WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT
SOMETHING HERE, SOMETHING BIG.

A 2-MONTH RUN ISN'T ENOUGH.

WE'VE AT LEAST GOT TO HOLD
IT OVER THROUGH THE SUMMER.

TAYLOR. I'M THINKING
WE SHOULD KEEP IT OPEN

FOR AT LEAST A YEAR EVEN
IF IT DOESN'T MAKE MONEY.

AT THAT POINT,

WE'VE GOT THE PUBLICITY,
WE'VE MADE THE GUIDEBOOKS.

MY GOD, WE'LL HAVE A COOPERSTOWN-TYPE
ATTRACTION ON OUR HANDS.

TAYLOR, NO.

WHAT?

ARE YOU BLIND? THIS
PLACE IS A PIECE OF CRAP.

WHAT? A PIECE OF...

LOOK AT IT.

THE OLD MAN'S STUFF,
IT'S NOT EVEN HISTORICAL.

IT'S ALL A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT
MAY HAVE BELONGED TO PEOPLE

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN
DISTANTLY RELATED TO PEOPLE

WHO MAY HAVE BEEN
HISTORICALLY MEANINGFUL.

AND THE DIORAMA.

AH, I'LL ADMIT IT'S
A LITTLE ROUGH.

IT'S A JOKE.

LUKE, I DON'T GET IT.
YOU HELPED BUILD THIS.

YOU WERE SO COOPERATIVE.

WHY ARE YOU TURNING ON
IT LIKE THIS? TURNING ON ME?

I WANT THE HOUSE. WHAT?

I WANT THIS HOUSE, TAYLOR.

ALL MY LIFE, I'VE
LOVED THIS HOUSE.

THEY DON'T BUILD
THEM LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

I MEAN, YOU SAW THE
BANISTERS, RIGHT?

WELL, YEAH, BUT...

YOU KNOW, I'VE
ALWAYS SAID TO MYSELF

IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A
FAMILY AND BUY A HOUSE,

THEN IT'S GOT TO BE THIS HOUSE.

OH.

IT'S WHY I VOLUNTEERED, OK?

I... I GOT INVOLVED
IN THIS WHOLE THING

TO STAY CLOSE TO THE HOUSE

AND KEEP ON YOUR GOOD
SIDE, AND YOU HAD THE CONTROL.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

THAT YOU WERE DOING
THIS FOR SELFISH REASONS.

TAYLOR, LOOK,

I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

I CAN'T CHANGE THAT.

I GOTTA BE HONEST HERE.

THIS MUSEUM IS
NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

THIS PROPERTY, ITS EXPENSES,
THE TAXES, THE UPKEEP.

I MEAN, THE... THE FLOOR BROKE
THROUGH FROM JUST THE CANNONBALL.

IT'S GONNA TAKE MONEY.

DO YOU WANT TO KEEP A
MONEY-LOSER ON THE BOOKS?

DO YOU WANT THAT TO BE
YOUR LEGACY IN STARS HOLLOW?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THIS
IS, TAYLOR. IT'S A MONEY PIT.

WELL, I DON'T WANT A
MONEY PIT ON THE BOOKS.

YEAH, WELL, JUST KEEP IT
OPEN FOR THE 2 MONTHS,

THEN SELL IT TO ME.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE
BEST PRICE, I SWEAR.

A FAMILY. YOU MEAN,
YOU AND LORELAI?

ME AND

WHOEVER, YEAH.

HMM.

WELL, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

WE HAVE GOT TO BRING EVERYONE
WE KNOW TO THIS THING IMMEDIATELY

BEFORE THE NEDERLANDERS SWOOP IN

AND WHISK IT AWAY TO BROADWAY.

AND AT $3 A POP.

THAT CRAPPY ABBA SHOW COST $100.

I GOTTA MAKE A QUICK CALL.
MAYBE WE'LL GO THROUGH AGAIN.

ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH.

[sighing]

SANDRA, HI, IT'S
LORELAI GILMORE AGAIN.

LISTEN, I WAS THINKING,

AND I... I THINK YOU SHOULD
JUST PULL THE ARTICLE.

YEAH, I'M SURE, BUT
THANKS. OK, BYE.

SO, WAS IT ALL I
SAID IT WOULD BE?

OH, AND MORE.

I'VE GOTTA GO THROUGH WITH
RORY. SEEN HER ANYWHERE?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HER, NO.

WELL.

WHAT?

I JUST NEVER REALLY
LOOKED AT THIS PLACE BEFORE.

THOSE COLUMNS AND THAT BRICK.

YEAH.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH. IT'S A GREAT HOUSE.

(Rory) MOM.

OH, RORY, HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

I DON'T FEEL GOOD. I
REALLY DON'T FEEL GOOD.

I... I THINK I CAN GUESS WHY.
COME ON, LET'S GET YOU HOME.

YOU NEED HELP? WANT ME TO DRIVE?

THAT'S OK. IT'S JUST
5 MINUTES. COME ON.

[sighing]

OK, DEAN, COME ON.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT
ATTITUDE. WHAT'S UP?

WHAT, IS THIS STILL ABOUT
THE PIPPI NIGHT? THE BOP IT?

FINE, YOU HATE ME. WHATEVER.

YOU WANT TO PUNCH ME? GO AHEAD.

I'M A TERRIBLE
GUY. I DESERVE IT.

GO AHEAD, TAKE A SHOT.
I WON'T EVEN FIGHT BACK.

MAKE YOU FEEL
BETTER, HUH, BUDDY?

JUST GO BACK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

FINE, WHATEVER.

WHILE YOU GOT ONE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?

I'M NOT PLAYING GAMES HERE.

YOUR SITUATION'S NO
DIFFERENT FROM MINE, BUDDY.

I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

THEN GO.

THEY WANT MORE THAN THIS.

DON'T YOU SEE THAT?

AND ALL YOU ARE IS THIS.

RORY WAS A KID, DEAN.

SHE GREW UP. SHE MOVED ON.

ACCEPT IT.

YOU ACCEPT IT.

THIS TOWN, IT'S ALL YOU
ARE, AND IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

SHE'S GONNA GET BORED,

AND YOU CAN'T TAKE HER ANYWHERE.

YOU'RE HERE FOREVER.

IT'S DIFFERENT.

IT'S NOT DIFFERENT.
YOU AND ME, SAME THING.

[Dean sighing]

[Rory sobbing]

WHY DOESN'T HE LIKE ME?

WHY DOESN'T HE CALL
ME? WHAT DID I DO?

SHH, HONEY, IT'S OK. IT'S OK.

MOMMY, I...

SHH, IT'S OK.