Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 5, Episode 15 - Jews and Chinese Food - full transcript

Sure. Thanks.
Come in.
Hi. Hello. I'm sorry. Do I have the wrong room?
I wouldn't know.
How delightful to have all of my towels used...
and then deposited in my hamper with my dry clothes...
to create a pungent, musty combo.
- Hey, Lorelai. - Paris, good. I have the right room.
- This is Rory's mother. - Lorelai.
- I'm Doyle, Rory's editor. - And my lover.
Okay, well, super.
I don't think "lover" is exactly the correct term, Paris.
- Really? What is the correct term, Doyle? - At a later time, Paris.
Doyle and I haven't defined the social aspects of our relationship yet.
Although we're having sex three or four times a week...
so, apparently, the sexual aspects of the relationship...
are crystal-freaking-clear.
Paris, I beg you.
Is Rory here? 'Cause I could wait outside or....
- I'm making you uncomfortable? - Yes.
- Her, not you. - No, I'm fine. You two should be alone.
I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be talking about love, or sex, especially since you....
- Since I.... - Don't have any.
- Rory, are you here? - Yeah, I'm just getting my coat.
- Can I watch? - Is Paris out there?
- She sure is. - Come on in.
- Nice meeting you, Doyle. - Nice to meet you, too.
Yes?
You look so hot when you find me annoying.
Then I must be Gisele Bündchen to you 24/7.
Sorry, I thought she and Doyle were indisposed.
No, no, plenty of disposal going on.
So, I notice you told Paris about my breakup.
I'm sorry, I didn't tell her on purpose.
It's very difficult to keep anything from Paris.
She's in very close proximity, and I swear she has dog ears.
That's fine.
I didn't mean to blab.
I know. But hey, don't worry about me, things are starting to look up.
- They think I'm a student. - And they also think you're Polynesian...
and potentially sexually undecided.
- Yeah. Well, still an improvement. - Okay, ready?
This was a good idea, having dinner.
Well, it is Friday night.
Yeah, but Friday night dinner without Eva and Adolf. Lovely.
It's really not fair calling Grandpa "Adolf."
- No, no, that was Grandma. - Oh.
We're going.
- Rory, are these your chips? - Yes, Doyle.
- Can I have some? - Knock yourself out, Doyle.
Listen, Lorelai, if you decide that your breakup is something...
that you want to talk about, please let me know.
- Okay, Paris. - And let me know before Tuesday...
'cause I'm doing a paper for my emotional mental health class...
about how women of a certain age cope with loneliness...
and I think you'd be a great lead-off anecdote.
You can't take her. She's trained in Krav Maga.
Damn it.
Okay, so where do the cool kids sit?
- This is Yale. There are no cool-kid tables. - Come on, point out the cliques.
The geeks, the stoners, the plastics. Give me the scoop.
The scoop is that this is Yale.
There are no cliques. We are beyond cliques.
So you get to college and everybody just loves each other?
- Yes. - It's Haight-Ashbury all over again?
- Except the tie-dye's done by Prada. - Okay.
- Not that one. - See? That was the clique table.
- No, it's under an air vent. - Seriously, Grandma, buy a shawl.
Hey, one good cold can set you back a month in studying.
See, in my mind I heard "partying," but okay.
Here's to our very own special Friday night dinner.
- Hear, hear. This stuff looks pretty good. - It is. So, what's going on at home?
Big grapefruit shortage. The hurricanes wiped them out...
- and Taylor is completely freaking out. - I'm sure.
And Patty and Babette are organizing Stars Hollow's first botox party.
- Are you invited? - Are you insinuating I should be?
So, the Hollow's low on grapefruits?
And I'm doing costumes for the Stars Hollow...
Elementary School production of Fiddler on the Roof.
- So, how are you doing? - I'm doing fine.
- How are you doing? - I am doing fine.
I swear, I'm getting better.
- No word from Luke? - Not waiting on word from Luke.
- Okay. - Anyhow, I'm fine.
I mean, not that I'm over it, but, little by little...
it's getting easier to pretend it's easier...
which means easier must be right around the corner.
I'm sure it is.
And I'm working on getting down a new routine.
- I've settled on Weston's in the morning. - Decent coffee, excellent strudel.
Yeah. So, that's me. How are you?
Well, I study, then study, then after a little study break, I study.
How's Logan?
He's been out of town for a while, so I haven't seen him.
And what else?
- What? - I got an e-mail from Dad.
Oh, you did? When?
Monday.
Only two weeks after the fact. Very speedy.
- I'm sure he was just nervous. - You don't need to hide that from me.
Well, I wasn't sure if you wanted to hear about it, or hear Dad's name.
Hey, it's part of the whole moving-on thing, right? So, what did he say?
He wanted to give me his side of the story.
Well, unless his side of the story includes having his long-lost evil twin...
lock him in the closet and come to the wedding in his place...
his side of the story doesn't exist.
- He said it was all a misunderstanding. - What?
He said the only reason he came...
was to celebrate Grandma and Grandpa's vow renewal.
And 'cause Adolf told him to.
- He says he likes Luke. - Yeah, he's proven that.
- He just wants you to be happy. - So he got me dumped.
And basically that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding.
You know, the more he defends himself, the more he needs to defend himself.
- Do you think Grandpa knew about it? - About Christopher coming?
Do you think he planned it with Grandma?
Look how panicked you are. No, honey, honestly, the whole thing reeks of Emily.
I mean, not that I think he would have discouraged it...
but I'm pretty sure she's the one who poisoned the apple...
and gave it to Dopey to bring to the party.
Yeah.
- Oh, my God. - Never again.
Never, never again.
See, we are at the cool table.
I'm telling you, if she throws up, you're golden.
- You are so not starving here at Yale. - My lips are frozen.
Look, while it might seem a little eccentric to eat ice cream in 40-degree weather...
You think?
...there are several advantages to the concept.
For example, since it's cold out, the ice cream won't melt.
Therefore, it'll last longer.
So then my lips will stay frozen for double the amount of time.
- Okay, I lost the feeling in my tongue. - I'm throwing the ice cream out now.
Oh, my God, it's frozen.
It's like an ice cube, it's like a tongue-- shaped ice cube, and it'll never thaw.
Then why don't you shut your mouth? Let the heat stay inside.
That was hostile. And useful. Thank you.
- Hey, isn't that your naked guy? - Yeah. Marty, hey. He's not my naked guy.
Well, you don't really want a communal naked guy nowadays...
you know, it's too sketchy.
Well, I guess he didn't hear about you sitting at the cool table.
Yeah.
- You guys rumbling? - No, we're just not as close lately.
- That's too bad. He seems like a nice guy. - Yeah, he is.
All right, honey, thank you for dinner.
- You're leaving? - Yeah, I should get back.
Okay, you can come in and watch TV for a while, if you want.
No, it's okay.
You can even stay over if you don't feel like driving back.
- Are there monsters under your bed again? - I'm just saying.
Look, Miss Nightingale, I appreciate your concern...
and the offer to spend the night is much nicer...
than the suggestion that I shut my mouth, but I'm fine.
- You sure? - Big girl.
Yeah, it's still new.
Angel, I have been dumped before.
Not by Luke.
No, not by Luke, but a dump is a dump. The process is still the same.
- Don't worry, Mom's cool. - I know Mom's cool.
- 'Cause you heard about the table? - Exactly.
- All right, kid, I'll see you later. - Okay, bye.
Wow, looks good. Hey, I'm Lorelai. I'll be here every morning.
Okay, see you guys tomorrow.
Here we go, three coffees.
- Oh, no. I'm sorry, I only ordered one. - You said, "Coffee, coffee, coffee."
No, see. I said, "Coffee-coffee-coffee."
- Right. - As in, I really need coffee-coffee-coffee.
- You know? - No.
"Coffee-coffee-coffee" is a saying. Like an exaggeration.
It's a funny, desperate cry for caffeine.
It's just my thing, because everybody knows I drink a lot of coffee...
so the day can't start until I've had my jolt.
It's a bit. It's my bit.
It's not a particularly funny bit unless you know me. Then....
You know what? Three coffees would be great. What do I owe you?
I don't know what other words I should use.
Perhaps I should talk slower...
or have a woman sit in a circle above my head...
signing my words to you.
That would be fresher than you yelling at us.
Glenn.
Sorry, but every time I hear you, I hear my mother.
- See, my mother-- - Stop comparing me to your mother.
- Stop acting like her. - Anyhow, as I was saying--
Pick up your socks!
Hey, our editor's talking.
- He's your boyfriend, not mine. - That has yet to be determined.
- You're feeling particularly sassy today. - It must be my new glasses prescription.
I need all of you to hand in a hard copy of your stories...
in addition to filing them electronically.
Last week, our mail server was down, and we very nearly missed our deadline.
- Now how would that have looked? - Blank.
- Glenn! - Sorry, Mom.
New system starts today.
I want all articles in hard copy on my desk....
- Where are you going? - I'll be right back.
- I'm talking. - And very well, might I add.
- Gilmore? - Doyle, I could be back by now.
Here.
Now that's a manly-sized cup of coffee.
Yeah, I worked late and I had a paper...
and I didn't get a lot of sleep.
Marty, you never have to apologize for a huge cup of coffee to me.
Right. I know.
- So, you've been pretty busy lately, huh? - Yes.
- Working a lot? - Yes.
- Studying a lot? - Yes.
That's probably why I haven't seen you very much.
- Yes, probably. - I miss you. A lot.
- I'm sure you've been a little busy yourself. - I guess.
- Listen, are you working this weekend? - No.
Great, because I was thinking...
it's been ages since we've had a good hangout night.
Oh, well....
We could watch DVDs, order food.... I just got the new Marx Brothers box set.
You love the Marx Brothers, Duck Soup.
- I don't know if I can-- - Did you hear me? I just said Duck Soup.
- Rory-- - We could watch them all...
you know, start early, make a major marathon thing out of it.
Just us, we haven't done this in a long time. Please?
- Okay. Sounds good. - Really?
Great. Okay, so, on Saturday? Three-ish?
- Three-ish it is. - Excellent. Really.
I have to get back, and you have a lot of coffee to drink...
- so, I'll see you Saturday. - See you Saturday.
Okay.
- Hey, Luke, great boat you got out there. - Yeah, thanks, Andrew.
Are you selling it, or is it some kind of seafood promotion?
I don't want to talk about it!
Good thing you parked it right outside the diner, then.
- What? - Nothing.
Go on. He's right over there.
Jeez, kid, don't just stand there...
you'll give me a heart attack.
Mr. Danes?
Speak up, there, kid. We've got a bit of a height difference here.
I need to ask you something.
Bathrooms are in the back. They're for customers only.
So you'll have to order something. You want to order something?
You want to use the bathroom? Well, what do you want?
What are you doing? What's he doing?
Don't worry. This always happens when he's terrified.
What the hell's he terrified of?
Bradley, would you like me to tell him for you?
- Okay, Luke. - Why is he doing that?
- He's fine. - He doesn't look fine.
Luke. Eyes on me. Thank you.
Now, as you know...
I teach third grade over at the elementary school...
and our production of Fiddler on the Roof is on Saturday.
And Bradley here is in charge of set design. Right, Bradley?
So, he just wanted to come here and tell you...
that he will need you at the school tomorrow at 3:00.
And please bring your own tools, okay? You did that very well, Bradley.
- What are you talking about? - I thought Bradley was very clear.
What do you mean, he needs me at the school tomorrow?
- He needs me at the school to do what? - To help build the sets.
- I'm not gonna help build any sets. - But....
I have a diner to run. I don't have time to build any sets.
- But Lorelai signed you up weeks ago. - She did?
Yes, she did. She signed you up to build the sets...
and she signed herself up to make the costumes.
I must have forgot about that.
Yeah, I know you two are having a little trouble. I mean, I saw the boat.
But I figured, since it was for the kids, you'd still be willing to help.
- Lorelai still making the costumes? - Of course she is.
A lot of the parents are helping out...
with costumes, make-up, lighting, programs--
You've spoken to her recently, and she's going to be there making the costumes?
Look, Luke, if it's gonna be too hard for you...
to be in the same space as Lorelai, I totally--
No, it's fine. I'll be there.
- You sure? - Yeah.
If other people are gonna be helping out, I might as well.
You know, it's for the kids. So, see you tomorrow at 3:00, right?
- With your tools. - With my tools.
That's great. Thank you, Luke. The kids will be thrilled.
- Well, that's what matters, right? - Let's go, Bradley.
- I hope he's not late. - I hope so, too.
No more pork!
Finally, something to put on our business cards.
I'm tired of it, I am out of interesting ways to serve it, and I'm not buying it anymore.
I want another "other white meat."
- Mugsy raised the price on you again, huh? - That pig-hoarding bastard.
Well, cut it out for a month. I bet he comes around.
I guess. What's in the bag? And that is?
A bag of Santa beards.
Naturally.
I need 25 dark beards for Fiddler on the Roof.
I drove to four different towns and six different costume shops...
and this was all I could find.
Apparently, Lieberman's the only Jew in Connecticut.
- Hey, can I borrow some tea? - Why?
I thought I'd use it to dye them.
- Very clever. Up on the shelf. - Thanks.
So, other than the great beard search, how was your morning?
- Fine. - Yeah? Good.
So, what route did you take to work today?
The usual: Main Street to Oak...
and then a sharp starboard turn at the Marina...
and four nautical miles to the inn.
- You saw it? - Oh, yeah.
Rats.
I saw the back of the boat driving from Weston's.
I saw the front of the boat from the bank.
And then I went upstairs to the post office...
and I got a nice aerial shot of the boat.
Basically, I took the White House tour of the boat.
I can't believe Luke did this. I mean, what was he thinking?
- I don't know. - When did he come get it?
Beats me. I didn't notice it gone when I left this morning. So....
- Did he tell you he was gonna take it? - Nope.
Well, I think that stinks. He's a jerk for pulling something like that.
It's his boat, he can do what he wants with it.
Not if it's something mean, he can't.
I caused the situation in the first place. I bought the boat. I put it in my garage.
I know, but he broke your heart, and now he's rubbing your face in it.
- Jesus, I'm pathetic. - I know.
Look, Sookie, please, you don't have to be mad at Luke.
- Okay? You don't have to hate him. - I don't mind hating him.
I appreciate that, but I don't really want to talk about it anymore.
Where are you going? Did I drive you out? I'm sorry. I'll stop talking about it.
No, it's fine, I'm fine. I just.... I have stuff to do.
I have costumes to make and beards to convert.
So I'll see you later.
Okay.
Hey, Luke.
- We are so glad to see you. - You're 10 minutes late.
Yeah, sorry about that. But hey, I brought my tools.
Great. This is Damon.
- Hey there, Damon. - My mother's a lesbian.
I brought my tools.
And you remember your supervisor, Bradley.
Yeah, Bradley. Nice to see you again, Bradley.
Well, you boys should get started. I'll be right over here if you need my help.
Have fun.
So, where do we get started, men?
First, we have to build Tevye's house.
- Okay, we can do that. - There's plans for the house over here.
Yeah, show me the plans.
Do you know any lesbians?
I'm sure I do.
- How many? - Three, maybe four.
"Maybe" four?
I'm waiting on confirmation.
- I like lesbians. - Yeah, they're swell.
- Here are the plans. - Okay, let's see what we got.
All right. Looks pretty simple. Looks like the boards are already cut.
Okay, let's get started. Everyone grab a Phillips head screwdriver.
Okay, once you have your screwdriver....
What are you holding? Bradley, that's a hammer.
It is?
- Damon, that's tape. - Oh.
I can't believe this, no one ever taught you...
what a Phillips head screwdriver is?
- My mother's a lesbian. - Okay, come here.
See, this is a Phillips head screwdriver...
and this is a flathead screwdriver.
- See, 'cause it's got a-- - Flat head.
Yes, exactly. We need a Phillips head screwdriver...
so go ahead and find that, and we'll get started, okay?
Hurry up. We get done by 5:00, beers are on me.
Well, well, well, look who Santa stuffed in my stocking.
- Yeah. Carrie. What a surprise. - Isn't life a scream?
My God, you look fantastic.
Breakups agree with Luke Danes. Give me a hug.
Easy, there. Kids are here.
So, how are you?
I heard all about it. I tell you, that Lorelai is out of her mind.
I mean, that's apparent from the outfits alone...
but to let one of the last real he-men go free...
she should up that dosage, baby.
- Carrie, what are you doing here? - I'm the director. Isn't that fabulous?
Jenny got me into it.
- Jenny's your.... - My youngest, she's seven.
And, God help her, the spitting image of her father.
- Yeah, where is she? - She's hiding under a chair somewhere.
She's so odd, that girl. She's always hiding from me.
Yeah, crazy. I got to build Tevye's house here. So....
I have to get rehearsal started, anyway.
It's good to see you, Luke. We'll have to catch up later.
Yeah, sure. We sure will, Carrie.
Yeah.
Don't you ever leave me alone with her again.
Okay, kids....
I need my cast right here in the middle of the stage.
Everybody, let's gather right here.
- Hey, Luke, you're helping out here? - Yeah, sets.
- How about you? - I'm playing Tevye.
- You're-- - Come on, kids, chop chop.
Excuse me, my director's calling.
Okay, now, before we start rehearsal, I just want to ask...
has anybody seen Jenny?
Okay, never mind.
Now, I need to remind you that I need to know...
whose mommies and daddies are going to be coming to the show.
Yes, Damon, I know your mommy's a lesbian...
but is she coming to the show?
Okay, great. And everyone else, I need to know so I can issue your tickets.
- Yes, Kirk. - My mother's going to be in Florida.
Okay, fine. Everybody else...
tell me or Miss Kushner by the end of the day.
Now, before we start, does anybody have to go potty?
Well, go now and go fast. We have a lot of work to do.
I'll just be two minutes, and then it's L 'Chai-im, To Life.
Hey, Lulu.
- Yes. - Yeah, I was just wondering...
where are all the other tall people?
Excuse me?
You know, other people to help out with the lighting, the make-up, the costumes?
They'll be here. They all come in at different times.
Okay, I was just asking. No biggie.
- I'm here. I'm done. I flushed. - Good boy, Kirk.
Okay, everyone take your places for the top of the show.
What is Kirk doing in the play?
We couldn't find a boy who could handle the part.
But it's an elementary school play. How hard could the part be?
- Tevye's a very demanding role. - But--
We looked and looked. We even opened up auditions...
to the scary extension-school kids, but nothing.
And you know, we had a terrible experience last year...
when we did Jesus Christ Superstar.
- Oh, yeah? - Jesus was allergic to peanuts...
and stuffed one up his nose...
and broke out in terrible hives during intermission.
The second act was all Judas and Pontius Pilate. Pure disaster.
We had to refund money. It was a nightmare.
So this year, we went with a ringer.
A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no?
Boy, does it.
- I got them! I'm here! - Great. Get in here.
I bought all the glue and glitter they had.
Perfect.
- So, what are you thinking here? - I don't know...
something colorful or something peaceful.
You know, it could be a Zen sort of space or a yoga studio.
- Drew Barrymore has one. - And she looks very calm.
I just want it to be a special, all-me alone place.
Here, look in this for ideas.
Classic Hollywood Homes.
- And look what I found. - A disco ball.
- Where'd you find a disco ball? - In my closet.
Wow.
I should have done this years ago.
- Hello? - I heard a noise in the kitchen.
- What kind of noise? - A bam or a clang. Possibly a crash.
It might have been a wham or a ka-pow.
- Well, did you go check it out? - Excuse me. I'm extremely busy.
Someone here has to work. I mean, the two of you just run off...
to do your little decorating project and you leave me here alone.
- Michel, did you actually hear a noise? - Of course I heard a noise.
- It was a thwap or a vroom. - Got to go, Michel.
- What's the matter? - Apparently, Batman's attacking the inn.
Hey, Moulin Rouge, what do you think?
Jeweled elephant in one corner, Ewan McGregor in the other.
Sounds yummy.
- What, Michel? - I'm smelling something very funny...
coming from the kitchen. Could be a pungent cheese, could be arson.
Should I call the firemen to come, or should I just fetch some crackers?
Rory. Good. I'm glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you about something.
I think we need to discuss the incident at The Daily News the other day.
What incident, Doyle?
We were in the middle of a meeting, I, your editor, was talking...
and suddenly, without warning, you flew out of the room.
- I was gone for five minutes, Doyle. - Yes, but the very fact...
that you felt comfortable enough to leave signals a big problem.
- I had to talk to a friend. - This is a matter of respect, Rory.
Respect for the paper, respect for me.... Frankly, respect for yourself.
- Doyle. - I have a pebble in my shoe.
Damn thing's been driving me crazy all day long.
- Anyhow, where was I? - My lack of respect for you.
Yes, good. Thank you. You have to remember that this is college.
You're training for real life here.
You need to start developing boundaries between your work and your personal life.
- Doyle! - What?
- Your sock is on my coffee table! - It's just for a second.
You want to talk about boundaries?
You are here every day. You eat my food, you drink my soda.
You have a key, and you don't even live here.
Paris said, "Mi casa, su casa."
Great. Well, Paris' casa is right in there...
so go in or get lost, because I have company coming...
and I don't want the first thing he sees when he walks in to be your feet or face.
- But I'm your editor. - Out! And take your pebble with you!
I bet Woodward and Bernstein...
never tossed Ben Bradley out of their room!
Ben Bradley kept his shoes on!
I don't know if anyone has noticed, but suddenly, I am the only one working.
- You're right. No one noticed. - My arm is cramping up.
- We offered to take over, Michel. - These stencils are antiques.
They've been handed down from generation to generation of Gerards.
- No one touches these stencils but me. - Okay.
The fumes are making me sick.
My God. You had a fit to be included...
and you've done nothing but complain since you got here.
I did not have a fit to be included.
I have a life. I have plenty of friends, and I dare you to find anyone...
who has a larger collection of techno and world music than I do.
I'm fulfilled and need nothing from either one of you.
- Poor Michel. - No! Do not "poor Michel" me! No.
Well, I have to say, for only a few hours' work, this place looks pretty snazzy.
I have finished with this wall.
Super. Three more to go.
Sometimes doing one wall makes it...
the focal point, a place of interest.
- All four walls, Michel. - You tricked me into this.
Just like Tom Sawyer.
So, what do you think? Is it turning into exactly what you had in mind...
your special, all-you alone place?
Yeah. It sure is.
- What's up, Doc? - "What's up, Doc?"
Well, Harpo doesn't talk, so there's no good catchphrase.
- Well, then, do Groucho. - Everybody does Groucho.
Come in. Come in.
I like what you've done with the place.
Well, it's all about the vibe. Hey, what did you bring?
Just some leftovers from the Cartina engagement party.
- I told you I'd take care of the food. - And I see you did.
Pretzels of the world: San Francisco sourdough...
German pumpernickel, chocolate-covered Swiss...
and the wasabi bites are very intriguing.
- I also ordered a pizza before you got here. - At least we've got the food part covered.
Yes, we do. Sit.
- You gonna stay like that all night? - No, sorry.
- I mean, you can. - No, it's okay.
- I mean, it works for you. - No, I'm good.
- I guess we should start the movie. - Okay.
Okay.
- Wasabi nugget? - Thanks.
- You in a little bit of pain there? - Much, much more than a little.
Don't worry. Your mouth will get numb in about a minute.
I'm really looking forward to that.
- How about a soda? - That would be terrific. Thanks.
Thank you very much...
for kicking my undefined sexual male partner...
out of the room that we share.
- I had company coming, Paris. - You insulted him. You demeaned him.
- You made him feel unwelcome. - He was unwelcome.
And now, thanks to you, he refuses to come back here...
which means I have to spend the night over at his place with three roommates.
The place is a health violation. Things grow on the windowsill...
without the help of pot or soil and there is the faint aroma of sweat socks...
and starter cologne lingering in the air at all times.
And, yes, I have to bring my own toilet paper over there...
because it is a third-world country.
Thank you very, very much.
God, I miss this place.
Now, that's a countersunk screw, Damon.
Good man. Your lesbian mother will be proud.
- Hey, Lulu, it's the big day, you know? - I know. It's so exciting.
Yeah, but I'm still wondering where the other adults are.
- They'll be here. - Yeah, you've been saying that for days...
and I'm still the only person in here...
that doesn't have to hang his sheets out his window in the morning.
- I don't understand. - They wet their beds, Lulu.
Right.
Well, I promise you, Luke...
by tonight there'll be lots of grown-ups here for you to talk to.
- It's not about having someone to talk to-- - Luke, we've got a problem.
- What is it, Kirk? - This dairy cart you made me--
- What's wrong with it? - It pulls too easily...
and the wheel doesn't wobble.
- So what? - Well, it's too good.
You built me a twenty-first century dairy cart.
There's no such thing as a twenty-first century dairy cart.
Exactly. Look, Tevye's a poor man. I mean, you've heard the song.
Yes, I've heard the song, Kirk.
Okay, so, he's poor, he's tired, he's suffering, and his horse is lame.
His life is hard, so pulling this cart should be hard.
You're an actor. Pretend it's hard.
I'm not that kind of actor. For my type of work, it has to be legitimately hard.
There you go.
Remember to thank me in your acceptance speech.
Thank you, Luke.
Hey! This is impossible!
All right, kids, break's over!
Kirk, let's take it from the last part of your first monologue.
All right, places, everyone.
And... music.
Because of our traditions...
we've kept our balance for many, many years.
Here in Anatevka, we have traditions for everything...
how to eat, how to sleep, how to wear clothes.
For instance, we always keep our heads covered...
and always wear a little prayer shawl.
This shows our constant devotion to God.
You may ask, "How did this tradition start?"
I'll tell you.
I don't know. But it's a tradition.
Because of our traditions...
everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.
She tripped! Yente tripped!
Damn it, I was feeling it, people! I was feeling it!
- Anna, honey, are you okay? - No, she's not okay! She tripped!
She's fine, Luke.
How would you know if she's fine? Your kid's under a chair somewhere.
- Luke. - Her costume doesn't fit.
- We'll fix it before the show. - It should have been fixed by now.
I mean, this shouldn't have happened.
I mean, there were supposed to be other adults here.
This is ridiculous!
This is completely unacceptable!
He takes his work very seriously. I mean it. Just try and pull this cart.
- Hey. - Hey, Luke. What are you--
- Yente tripped. - What?
She tripped just as she was heading out to tell Avram about Ruchel.
The shoemaker's daughter?
Yeah, she's trying to fix him up with Avram's son.
But she's almost blind, she can hardly see.
Hey, I am not doing a bit with you here.
The kid tripped because her dress was too long.
- Okay. Is she hurt? - Of course she's not hurt.
But she completely blew her entrance.
All the people of Anatevka are standing around with their goats...
and she tripped, and they had to reset the goats. And if you were there...
where you were supposed to be, her costume would have fit...
and Yente wouldn't have tripped.
What do you mean, where I was supposed to be?
You're making the costumes, at least that's the rumor.
I'm making the sets, and I'm there.
Yeah, I am making the costumes. I'm making the costumes here...
and I'm bringing them there when they are done.
Oh, sure, a likely story.
- Hey. What is your problem? - My problem is that I'm spending the day...
teaching a bunch of kids how to use tools...
which won't properly fit in their hands for another 8 to 10 years...
because you signed me up to do it...
and then you're not even there when you're supposed to be.
Well, you could have said no.
I could have said no. Have you tried saying no to Bradley...
when he's got a giant inhaler shoved in his mouth?
- No. - Well, you can't!
What the hell am I looking at?
It's my new special alone space.
Oh, yeah? Well, you got a whole house of special alone space.
- Not like this. - So, what, are you...
- gonna hang out in your garage now? - I don't know, maybe. I mean, why not?
It's not like I have a boat that needs storage or anything.
- You could park your car in here. - I never park my car in here.
I have never, ever parked my car in here, Luke.
And you know that.
But I come home to this big, huge, suddenly empty space...
and I thought I would try to do something nice...
so it wasn't just a giant hole of depression sitting out here.
- I thought I was doing you a favor. - Please.
- I did. - Well, gee. Thanks a lot.
- It's your garage. - Whatever.
What was I supposed to do, leave the thing in here forever?
No. Absolutely not. Much better to sneak it out of here...
and park it in front of the diner like a giant "they broke up" billboard...
for the whole town to see.
- I didn't mean it like that. - How did you mean it, Luke?
I can't believe you're mad at me for getting my boat out of your garage.
I am not mad at you because you got your boat out of my garage...
I am mad for the way you got the boat out of my garage.
- What, did I ruin the lawn? - You didn't even call me, Luke.
You didn't leave a message or a note or anything.
You just snuck in and took it. And I got to come home and find it gone.
Although I didn't come home and find it gone...
I drove by the diner and assumed it was gone.
You know what? It doesn't matter, 'cause it's done.
We're done. It's fine. I'm not mad.
I can tell.
Well, I have dresses to make, so I'll see you at the theater.
Now, have you ever heard the one about the two Irishmen?
I'm gonna say something that will upset possibly everyone in the entire world.
Wow.
I thought the I Love Lucy episode with Harpo Marx was lame.
Get out.
There's no way Harpo, even for a second...
would have believed he was looking in the mirror.
And the last time they made that...
popping-up-from-behind-the-partition move...
she was totally slower than him.
You've carried this with you for a very long time.
I mean, you had to believe a lot during those Hollywood shows.
Dore Schary just happened to be hanging out at their pool.
And I'm sorry, I was totally with Lucy...
when Ricky took those women to the premier of his movie.
- What an ass. - You've got to stop watching I Love Lucy.
Man, I hope that's Paris.
Maybe she and Doyle had a fight.
- That would be great. - There's so much darkness...
under this Bosom Buddies exterior of yours.
- Hello, stranger. - Hi. You're back.
Just rolled in.
- So, how was it? Was it fun? - No, very dull. Let's not talk about it.
We're all going to China Palace for food. Grab your coat, let's go.
I can't.
What? Sure you can. Come on, I missed you. Let me buy you a fortune cookie.
- I kind of have company. - Really? Anyone I know?
- Hey, Marty. Good to see you. - Yeah, you, too.
Well, you come, too. The more, the merrier.
Oh, well....
Come on, Marty. If you're gonna be hanging with Ace like this...
then it's time to get to know you without a waiter's uniform on. Let's go.
Car's waiting outside.
We do not have to go.
But you want to.
No. Well, I mean, if you do. But you don't, so forget it.
It's cool. Let's go.
Really? Are you sure? Because you don't look sure.
Sure, I'm sure. Car's waiting outside.
Okay, but if we get bored...
or if Dore Schary happens to be there, then we bail.
- Deal. - Okay, I'll get my coat.
I swear, I thought he was never gonna wake up.
If I'd known the hangover was going to last that long, I wouldn't have....
There's nothing like a charming little you-- wouldn't-believe-how-drunk-l-got story...
- to get the girls all hot. - It always worked before.
- The smell of this food is making me ill. - I think it's delicious.
- How can you eat like that? - Juliet hasn't eaten a meal since 1994.
My metabolism simply doesn't accept food.
Yes, that must be a modern medical miracle. May I?
Sure. Hey, Marty, do you want some beer?
- Here you go, man. I got you. - Thanks.
Rosemary's going home with me tonight.
I just thought everyone at this table should know.
Oh, Finn, you do hallucinate.
- Are you gonna eat that fried shrimp? - I think I am.
- Oh, God, can I watch? - Juliet, just eat something.
No, I am not eating until I get married to some gorgeous...
but very poor man, who will sign an ironclad prenup.
And then I will get very, very fat, but he will never leave me...
because he would be cut off without a penny and die in a trailer park.
- My God, that is brilliant. - That is sick.
I agree with anything Rosemary says tonight.
Not going home with you, Finn.
You know where they have the best Chinese food in the world?
- This tiny little place outside Zugerberg. - Zugerberg!
The golden days of Zugerberg.
What's Zugerberg?
Zugerberg is the boarding school I went to in Switzerland.
- Really? - Yep. Grades 7 through 12.
Wow, living in Switzerland. That sounds exciting.
Boarding school. Man, that must have sucked.
Sucked? Are you kidding? Those were the greatest days of my life.
- The partying that went on there, insane. - I did a year at Andover, not bad.
- You didn't miss your home, your family? - My family? Did I miss my family?
- Logan, did I miss my family? - Let's see, which mom were you on then?
- I believe it was the blonde. - Oh, yes.
- She was hot. - You didn't know her, Finn.
All your mothers have been hot, Colin.
No, Marty, I didn't miss my family.
Tevye, I suppose you know why I've come to see you.
Yes, I do, Reb Lazar, but there's no use talking about it.
- Why not? - Why yes?
- Why should I get rid of her? - Well, you've a few more without her.
I see.
Today you want one. Tomorrow you may want two.
Here you go.
Now, no more bottle-butting till the show's over.
Here you go, Paulie.
Sneak that out there when they start dancing.
Frankly, because I am lonesome.
Lonesome? What are you talking about?
You don't know?
We're talking about my new cow.
- I've got a hammer. - I know you do.
A milk cow, so I won't be lonesome?
What's so funny?
I was talking about your daughter.
- I need that schmatte. - Okay. I got it. I got it.
- Sara! Where'd Sara go? - Relax, we'll find her.
Shame on you.
Okay, the night's young. Where are we going next?
I don't think I can move.
- You're full? - I'm full.
- Is it fabulous? - You know, Juliet, it doesn't suck.
Let's hit The Alligator Lounge.
Yes. Perfect, Zydeco music. You'll love this place.
- Well, I-- - What do you say, Marty?
You up for a little Cajun craziness?
- I-- - I got it. Everybody owes $75.
Pony up, please, so we can get the hell out of here.
Seventy-five?
I got you.
- Are you okay? Do you have enough? - I don't--
Hey, don't sweat it, man, I can cover you, too.
- No, thanks. - It's no big deal. I invited you. My treat.
It's okay. I just need to find an ATM. I'll be right back.
- Marty-- - An ATM. My, how quaint.
- I'll be right back. - You okay?
Yeah. No, I'm fine. I just think I remember seeing a bank across the street...
so I'll go catch Marty.
You couldn't find an ATM?
No, there's at least six ATMs within a two-block radius...
and every single one of them is gonna tell me that I only have $18 in my account.
And then I believe they will flip me off.
I think some of the more reputable banks have suspended their flipping-off policies.
I can't go back in there. I can't leave. So here I stand, frozen on the sidewalk.
Here, I have some money.
Just....
- No. - Marty, just take it.
I'm not gonna take your money.
Well, you're not gonna just stand out here for the rest of the night.
- Well, why not? - Because, at the very least...
when all those guys come out of the restaurant, they'll see you.
Come on. Please, Marty.
Look. Just say you found an ATM, take the money...
we'll go inside, you'll hand it to the guys, and then we'll leave. You and me.
What about the Zydeco club?
Well, I've never felt the need for Zydeco before in my life.
No need to change that now.
Come on, please?
Yeah.
And I thought getting pantsed at the prom was gonna be the low point in my life.
Okay, go.
- I'll pay you back next weekend. - Marty, please forget about it.
I work a party Saturday night. I'll pay you on Sunday.
- There's a possibility it may all be in ones. - No, I'm really sorry about tonight.
- There's no need to apologize. - You want to come in?
- We still have a few movies left to watch. - Rory....
I feel like I really need to tell you something.
Okay.
I know we're friends, and I'm glad we're friends.
But...
I don't want to be just friends anymore.
I like you.
I like Logan.
Yeah, I figured.
- I don't know why. - Really? 'Cause I've got a few guesses.
I'm sorry.
- I don't know what to say. - It's okay.
You don't have to say anything.
Are we still friends? Please say that we're still friends.
Sure. We're still friends.
Please come back in. We can watch Duck Soup again. Please?
I don't really want to watch Duck Soup right now, Rory.
I really like Duck Soup...
so I really don't want it associated with this particular night.
- I understand. - Yeah.
- I'll pay you back next weekend. - Okay.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Can I? - Yeah, sure.
That move always seems cooler in the movies.
I think you maneuver your way through a window quite gracefully.
Thank you.
I assume you've had practice.
- No. First time. - I'm sure.
So, how was the Zydeco music?
I left when Finn jumped in on vocals.
Excellent self-preservational instincts.
I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.
- Well, yeah. I got home okay. - So I see.
- Thanks for the concern. I appreciate it. - It wasn't all concern.
Oh, really?
No, I don't believe I said a proper good night to you this evening.
- No, you didn't. - Good night, Ace.
I thought you said a proper good night.
You want to go get changed into something more comfortable?
More comfortable than this?
I actually was hoping for some feetsie pajamas.
No, you know I'm not that kind of girl.
Do you want me to go?
- Rory, you want me to go? - No.
Good, 'cause if you think climbing in that window was hard....