Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 4, Episode 9 - Ted Koppel's Big Night Out - full transcript

23 IS OLD. IT'S ALMOST 25,
WHICH IS, LIKE, ALMOST MID-20S.

SHE DID NOT SAY
THAT. SHE DID SAY THAT.

IT SEEMS A LITTLE WRONG THAT
JESSICA SIMPSON IS ALIVE AND WELL

AND ROY GOT EATEN BY HIS TIGER.

OH, SURVIVAL OF
THE FITTEST, BABY.

OH, MAN, THIS PLACE IS PACKED.

DAMN THAT ZAGAT GUIDE.

ONLY THE LOSER
MINI-TABLE'S OPEN.

WHAT DO WE DO?

TIME TO HOVER.

YOU TAKE THE OLD COUPLE,
I'LL HIT THE CYBERGEEK.

GOT IT.

HELLO.

HELLO.

THAT WAS SOME OF THE BEST
HOVERING I'VE EVER SEEN YOU DO.

I WAS TAUGHT BY THE BEST.

BUT THE FOCUS.
YOU NEVER BLINKED.

AND THE SNEEZE, SO TINY, SO
DAINTY, SO TERRIFYING TO THE OLD.

LUKE'S GONNA BE MAD.

HE HATES IT WHEN WE COMMANDEER
2 TABLES DURING RUSH HOUR.

NO, HE ONLY HATED
IT THAT ONE TIME.

WHAT TIME?

THE TIME WHEN WE
DID IT AND HE WAS MAD.

HE'S HATED IT EVERY TIME. NO.

YES. ONLY THE ONE TIME.

WHAT TIME? THE TIME
WHEN HE WAS MAD.

YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS
TO LUKE, AREN'T YOU?

TILL HE'S SO DIZZY HE THROWS UP.

NICE.

CALENDARS?

LET'S DO IT.

OK, SO YOUR FINALS-INDUCED
HIBERNATION PERIOD IS SETTING IN...

MONDAY.

OK.

SO, HOW ABOUT SUNDAY WE HAVE A
MAJOR SEPHORA FIX, MAYBE A MOVIE,

SORT OF A "SEE-YOU" DAY
BEFORE YOU GO "BYE-BYE"?

THROW IN A PEDICURE,
AND YOU GOT A DEAL.

DONE.

COFFEE'S GONNA BE READY IN A
SEC. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

OH, WELL, WE NEED NAPKINS TO
COVER THIS BIG, WIDE, EXPANSIVE TABLE.

OK. UH, HEY, ARE YOU IN
THE MOOD FOR PANCAKES?

PANCAKES, SURE.

YEAH, I GUESS WE HAVE
ENOUGH SPACE FOR PANCAKES.

'CAUSE I'M MAKING
PUMPKIN PANCAKES

AND IT COMES WITH
HOMEMADE CINNAMON BUTTER.

YOU MADE CINNAMON BUTTER?

THIS MORNING.

WOW, I BET THE OTHER PEOPLE
WHO'D LOVE A TABLE RIGHT NOW,

BUT CAN'T ONE 'CAUSE
THEY'RE ALL TAKEN,

WOULD LOVE PUMPKIN PANCAKES
WITH HOMEMADE CINNAMON BUTTER.

I'LL GET YOUR COFFEE.

HEY, HOLD ON. WHAT?

WE'RE SITTING AT 2 TABLES.

YEAH?

YOU HATE THAT.
THAT MAKES YOU MAD.

ONLY THAT ONE TIME.

WHY ARE YOU SO
SUNNY THIS MORNING?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I
FINALLY HIRED SOME HELP.

OH, GOOD FOR YOU.

YEAH, I FIGURED I
NEEDED THE HELP.

WHAT THE HELL, GOT A KID IN HERE
TO PICK UP THE SLACK, YOU KNOW?

I KIND OF FEEL LIKE A
WEIGHT'S BEEN LIFTED.

SOUNDS VERY SENSIBLE.

LET ME GET YOUR FOOD GOING.

OK, SO, TALK TO ME.

TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHAT?

TALK TO ME ABOUT JASON.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

OH, COME ON.

I'M IN A SERIOUS
ROMANTIC DRY SPELL.

I NEED TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY
THROUGH SOMEBODY.

HE HAS CALLED.

OK.

HE HAS SENT THINGS.

PIPE BOMBS?

FLOWERS, CANDY.

EVEN BETTER.

BUT I DON'T KNOW. HE'S MY FATHER'S
PARTNER. I'VE KNOWN HIM FOREVER.

I MEAN CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY
WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE FROM MY 'HOOD?

DO YOU LIKE HIM?

WELL, HE'S COMPLETELY NOT MY
TYPE, BUT HE DOES HAVE A THING

AND THE SMARTS,
AND HE DOES KEEP UP.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO OUT
WITH HIM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

NO. DAD WOULD FLIP,
AND MOM HATES HIM,

SO SHE WOULD SEE IT AS SOME
SORT OF PERSONAL ATTACK.

AND I'M JUST GETTING HER OFF ME
FOR SPILLING WINE ON THE CARPET.

WHEN DID YOU DO
THAT? NINTH GRADE.

HUH. THINGS ARE QUIET NOW.

I JUST WANNA KEEP THEM QUIET.

HEY, BRENNON, PICK UP.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT?

HE HIRED BRENNON LEWIS.

YOU KNOW HIM?

I WENT TO JUNIOR HIGH WITH HIM.

AND? EW!

HE DOESN'T LOOK THAT BAD.

HE'S THE BOY WHO DISSECTED A
FROG, DID NOT WASH HIS HANDS

AND THEN ATE A SANDWICH.

EW!

HE'S LIKE THE LOST FARRELLY
BROTHER. HE'S SO STUPID.

HE WATCHED THE BREAKFAST CLUB

AND DECIDED TO TAPE HIS
OWN BUTT CHEEKS TOGETHER.

OK. SO, MENSA'S NOT
SENDING HIM A T-SHIRT YET,

BUT LUKE HAS HIRED HIM, SO
WE HAVE TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

YOU HAVE THE PANCAKES?

WE SURE DO.

MMM.

HI, BRENNON.

HEY.

RORY GILMORE. WE WENT
TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.

YEAH?

YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

BIOLOGY? THE FROG?

THERE'VE BEEN A
LOT OF FROGS, MAN.

OK. THANKS FOR THE FOOD.

YEAH.

YOUR KIDS WILL BE GORGEOUS.

♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

THIS ROOMMATE OF MINE, SOPHOMORE
YEAR, WE ABSOLUTELY HATED HIM.

HE WAS, IN ADDITION TO BEING
A COMPLETE NINCOMPOOP,

RATHER A CHUBBY LAD.

SO, ONE NIGHT, WE TIED HIM
IN BETWEEN 2 MATTRESSES

AND THREW HIM OUT THE WINDOW.

WHAT?

I'M WRITING THAT ONE DOWN.

WAS HE OK?

OH, HE WAS FINE.
HE WENT TO SLEEP.

HE WOKE UP IN THE MORNING AND
PICKED UP RIGHT WHERE HE LEFT OFF.

WE WOUND UP THROWING HIM OUT
THE WINDOW EVERY NIGHT FOR A MONTH.

AND THEN HE TRANSFERRED.

DID YOU THINK YOU GUYS TOSSING HIM
OUT THE WINDOW ON A REGULAR BASIS

MIGHT'VE HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THAT DECISION?

WELL, IT CROSSED OUR MINDS, YES.

HOWEVER, WE WERE
YOUNG AND FULL OF ENERGY.

EVERY DAY WAS AN ADVENTURE.

NO CHALLENGE WAS TOO GREAT.

WE WANTED TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

THIS IS SO GREAT.

RICHARD, I WANNA THANK
YOU FOR INVITING ME TO LUNCH.

WELL, YOU'RE VERY
WELCOME, PARIS.

HOW OFTEN DOES A MAN
LIKE ME GET THE CHANCE

TO ENTERTAIN 2 SUCH LOVELY
AND INTELLIGENT YOUNG LADIES?

YOU ARE A HONEY-TONGUED
DEVIL, AREN'T YOU, DICK?

SO, TELL ME, WHAT ARE
YOUR PLANS FOR THE GAME?

THE WHAT?

THE GAME. THE HARVARD-YALE GAME.

I'M GOING. I ALREADY HAVE MY
TICKET. I BOUGHT IT A MONTH AGO.

YOU DID? IT'S THE GAME, RORY.

IT'S A MEMORY, A COLLEGE MEMORY,

AND I INTEND ON HAVING AS MANY
COLLEGE MEMORIES AS POSSIBLE.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND I HAVE ATTENDED EVERY
ONE OF THESE GAMES FOR THE PAST 32 YEARS.

WE ALWAYS BUY A BLOCK OF
SEATS, AND WE GOT ONE FOR YOU.

SO HOW ABOUT IT?
WE'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU.

AND I WOULD LOVE TO GO.

GOOD. IT'LL BE A WONDERFUL DAY.

IT WILL BE A DAY TO REMEMBER.

RICHARD?

ASHER! OH, LOOK AT YOU!

UM, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOUR GRANDFATHER KNOWS
ASHER FLEMING? THAT'S AMAZING.

I READ HIS LATEST BOOK 4 TIMES.

HE WAS ON CHARLIE ROSE LAST
WEEK AND HE ALMOST KEPT ME AWAKE.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE KNEW HIM.

I WONDER IF I CAN GET AN
INTERVIEW WITH HIM FOR THE PAPER.

WHAT IF I WANT AN INTERVIEW
WITH HIM FOR THE PAPER?

WHAT? WELL, HE'S MY GRANDFATHER.

YOU'RE STEALING MY INTERVIEW.

NO, I'M JUST MAKING YOU CRAZY.

LIKE THAT'S HARD. FEEL PROUD.

GIRLS, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A
FORMER CLASSMATE OF MINE, ASHER FLEMING.

ASHER, THIS IS MY
GRANDDAUGHTER, RORY.

HELLO.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

AND HER FRIEND, PARIS GELLER.

PARIS.

I SAW YOU ON CHARLIE
ROSE. YOU WERE GOOD.

THANK YOU.

NOT TOO SELF-IMPORTANT, YOU MADE YOUR
POINT AND MANAGED TO LOOK INTERESTED

WHEN CHARLIE BABBLED ON
PRETENTIOUSLY ABOUT NOTHING.

CHARLIE ROSE IS A
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

WHATEVER. LISTEN PROFESSOR, I'D LOVE
TO DO A PROFILE ON YOU FOR THE PAPER.

NOTHING PUFFY. STRAIGHT UP, HARD-HITTING,
UNCENSORED. YOUR VIEWS, NO SLANT.

TOMORROW WORK FOR YOU?

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO
CHECK MY SCHEDULE.

I DO TEACH, YOU KNOW.

SURE, YOU GOTTA PAY THE BILLS.

RICHARD, TERRIFIC
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

LET'S HAVE LUNCH NEXT WEEK.

CONSIDER IT A DATE.

SPLENDID. RIGHT.

GOODBYE, LADIES.

I'M A FAN!

I COULD'VE OPENED WITH
THAT, COULDN'T I HAVE?

THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE YOU.

OK, SEE, A BETTER
MAN, A SMARTER MAN,

A DIFFERENT MAN, WOULD TAKE
INTO ACCOUNT THE FACT THAT

FLOWERS, CANDY, AND NUMEROUS PHONE
CALLS HAVE GONE UNNOTICED BY YOU.

THOSE MEN WOULD GET A CLUE,

HAVE SOME PRIDE, GROW
A PAIR, AND MOVE ON.

OH, WELL, LORELAI GILMORE,
DAUGHTER OF RICHARD AND EMILY,

MOTHER OF RORY,
AND FRIEND TO ALL,

WOULD YOU JOIN ME FOR
DINNER ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

PLEASE CALL ME BACK

BECAUSE I WILL SOMEDAY FIND MY
PATHETIC THRESHOLD AND STOP TRYING.

THIS IS JASON.

THIS IS LORELAI.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO, I'M NOT.

YOU'RE REALLY CALLING ME BACK?

YES, I AM.

IS THERE SOMEONE THERE
WHO COULD DOCUMENT THIS?

A PHOTOGRAPHER, OR
A REALLY FAST PAINTER?

SEE, YOU GET THE GIRL TO CALL
YOU BACK, AND GIVE HER A HARD TIME.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I APOLOGIZE.
SO, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M... I'M FINE. AND YOU?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE GOT A SLIGHT SUSPICION YOU CALLED
TO TELL ME YOU'RE NOT AVAILABLE FOR DINNER

ON SATURDAY NIGHT AND
THAT'S GONNA BUM ME OUT.

LOOK, JASON... OK,

BEFORE YOU CONTINUE, LET ME SAY I GOT
US RESERVATIONS AT THE CHINA GARDEN.

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

VERY HOT TICKET IN TOWN.

GOOD FOOD, GREAT
BAR, QUITE A SCENE.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

PULLED A FEW STRINGS,
GREASED A FEW PALMS,

SOLD MYSELF TO A SOUS-CHEF.

A VERY TENDER MAN, I MIGHT ADD.

MMM, I JUST WANT
YOU TO BE HAPPY.

SO, LONG STORY SHORT:
TABLE FOR 2 AT 8:30.

YOU NEED A LITTLE BLACK DRESS.

I AM SO INCREDIBLY TEMPTED.

BUT? BUT

YOU WORK WITH MY FATHER.

YOU'RE HATED BY MY MOTHER.

YOU COME FROM MY WORLD.

YOU FIND ME REPULSIVE.

NO, I DON'T. I WISH I DID.

OK, HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA KEEP THE
RESERVATION AND GO BY MYSELF.

I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT
THIS PLACE FOR MONTHS

AND, PERSONALLY, I'D LIKE TO
SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND AT
ALL WHERE I'M COMING FROM?

NOPE, BUT THAT'S OK.

WELL, I'M SORRY, JASON.

ME, TOO. I BET YOU LOOK GOOD IN
ONE OF THOSE LITTLE BLACK DRESSES.

WELL, YES, I DO.

GOODBYE, LORELAI.

BYE, JASON.

IT'S 10:00 AT NIGHT, AN SUDDENLY
I HEAR THIS TERRIBLE RACKET.

SO I GO OUTSIDE, AND
THERE IS MAY RICHMOND

SNEAKING A 6-FOOT
RUDOLPH INTO HER GARAGE.

THAT WOMAN IS
WORKING MY LAST NERVE.

SO WHAT?

SO WHAT? DON'T YOU
KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

I'M RACKING MY BRAIN.

THEY'RE GOING TO PUT A GIANT
PLASTIC REINDEER ON THEIR ROOF.

WHICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO OUR ROOF.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU SCARED THEY'LL KEEP
YOU UP ALL NIGHT PLAYING REINDEER GAMES?

THEY CAN'T LIGHT THEM UP.

THE HOMEOWNERS' ASSOCIATION
HAS VERY STRICT RULES

ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF LIGHTS THAT
YOU CAN DISPLAY IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE.

AND THEY ALREADY HAVE
THOSE LAWN TWINKLERS.

THEY COULD GIVE UP
THEIR LAWN TWINKLERS

AND FOCUS SOLELY
ON THE REINDEER.

I DON'T KNOW. THEY WERE
AWFULLY PROUD OF THEIR TWINKLERS

LAST YEAR. IT WAS ALL
THEY TALKED ABOUT.

OK GUYS, TAKE A STEP BACK, EXAMINE
THE CONVERSATION YOU'RE HAVING

AND SPEND SOME TIME APART.

MAY I HAVE SOME MORE
ROAST, PLEASE, GRANDMA?

OF COURSE YOU MAY.

IT'S REALLY GOOD TONIGHT, MOM.

THANK YOU, LORELAI.

OH, BY THE WAY, RORY,
WE WILL PICK YOU UP

IN FRONT OF YOUR RESIDENCE HALL
TOMORROW MORNING, 9:00 SHARP.

OK.

TOMORROW, WHAT'S
HAPPENING TOMORROW?

TOMORROW'S THE GAME.

OH, THE GAME...

THE GAME, THE HARVARD-YALE GAME.

RIGHT. RIGHT. FOOTBALL?

LORELAI.

WHY DOES THE QUESTION
IN FOOTBALL GET A "LORELAI"?

YES, IT'S FOOTBALL.

THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOTBALL
GAME OF THE ENTIRE YEAR.

ALL OF YALE WILL BE THERE.

OH, COOL. CAN I GO?

YOU WANT TO GO TO
A FOOTBALL GAME?

WELL, IF IT'S SUCH A
BIG DEAL, ABSOLUTELY.

BUT YOU DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL.

WELL, NO, I'M NOT THE
DIE-HARD FAN THAT, SAY,

YOU ARE, MOM, BUT
IT'S RORY'S SCHOOL.

YOU WON'T GET BORED?

YES, OF COURSE, I'LL GET BORED BUT THAT'S
WHEN THE SOUTH PARK IMPRESSIONS KICK IN.

LORELAI, WE HAVE INVITED
FRIENDS. IMPORTANT PEOPLE.

I'M KIDDING, MOM. I
CAN ONLY DO CARTMAN.

SO, YOU WANT TO GO?

YUP.

YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE.

WELL, I GUESS WE
COULD UNINVITE SOMEONE.

CECIL, PERHAPS.

OR DONLON.

DONLON JUST HAD
HIS COLON REMOVED.

WELL, CECIL, THEN. I GUESS
I SHOULD CALL HIM NOW,

GIVE HIM TIME TO
GET ANOTHER TICKET.

I'LL CALL HIS WIFE.

THANKS!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY
DIDN'T YOU GET ME A TICKET TO THE GAME?

I WAS SAVING YOU, DUMMY.

SAVING ME FROM WHAT?

YOU HATE FOOTBALL. SO DO YOU.

YEAH. I KNOW I HATE FOOTBALL, BUT I
COULDN'T GET OUT OF IT. YOU COULD.

OK. SO, I HAVE TO GO
WATCH A FOOTBALL GAME.

AT LEAST I GET TO HANG
WITH YOU BEFORE FINALS.

YOU SURE? OF COURSE.

ANYWAY, WHAT'S A FOOTBALL
GAME LAST? HOUR, HOUR AND A HALF?

LONGER THAN AN HOUR AND A HALF?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DAMN IT.

EMILY, CECIL'S THE ONE
WHO HAD HIS COLON REMOVED.

I'M CALLING DONLON.

OH.

I HATE FOOTBALL.

I TRIED TO GET YOU OUT OF IT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER.

NEXT TIME. WHERE'S LUKE?

PROBABLY IN BED, WHERE THE REST
OF THE WORLD IS ON A SATURDAY.

DID I PUT ON UNDERWEAR?

WHAT?

I THINK I FORGOT TO PUT ON
UNDERWEAR. CAN YOU CHECK?

DID I JUST ASK YOU TO CHECK
IF I PUT ON UNDERWEAR?

YES.

I HATE FOOTBALL.

YOU JUST NEED COFFEE.

OH, NO! WHAT?

FROGGY. BRENNON?

I HATE THAT KID.

I THOUGHT WE WERE
GONNA GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

CHANCE ENDED WHEN HE DUMPED A
CHILI-BEAN OMELET ON ME THE OTHER DAY.

WHAT DO WE DO? HE'S
COMING OVER HERE.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU CHICAS?

AH. WE'D JUST LIKE
TO ORDER, PLEASE.

GO AHEAD.

I'LL HAVE THE CHEESE OMELET

EXTRA CHEDDAR, NO JACK, SOURDOUGH
TOAST, 2 BACONS, 2 SAUSAGES.

YOU'RE NOT WRITING THIS DOWN.

DON'T NEED TO. CONTINUE.

2 BACONS, 2 SAUSAGES,
ONE PANCAKE.

I'D REALLY LIKE YOU
TO WRITE THIS DOWN.

TRUST ME, IT'S ALL STORED.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

RYE TOAST.

YOU WANT THAT TOASTED?

SURE, WHY NOT?

GOT IT.

RYE TOAST?

MY ODDS ARE WAY
BETTER THAN YOURS.

BRENNON!

OH, NICE VOLUME.

THIS IS A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS.

YEAH?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE A BOX OF BAGELS.

THEY BOTH HAVE
HOLES IN THEM, RIGHT?

WE'VE ALREADY HAD
THIS CONVERSATION.

GET ME THE BAGELS. GET
ME THE BAGELS. GO! NOW! BYE!

EXCUSE ME, CAN I GET A NAPKIN?

YEAH, SURE.

EXCUSE ME, CAN I GET A
NAPKIN TO PUT MY NAPKIN ON?

THIS IS SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW LUKE WAS LOOKING
FOR SOMEONE. I'D LOVE TO WORK HERE.

YOUR MOTHER WOULD'VE LET YOU?

I MEAN LUKE IS A MAN.
WITH MAN-PARTS, WE THINK.

LUKE'S IS ONE OF THE FEW
MRS. KIM-APPROVED PLACES.

NO ALCOHOL, WALKING
DISTANCE TO THE CHURCH,

AND YOU CAN SEE
MY HOUSE FROM HERE.

I TOTALLY NEED THE MONEY. AND INSTEAD, I
GET TO RETURN A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS ONCE A DAY.

RYE TOAST.

TOLD YOU.

YOU WANTED... SOMETHING, RIGHT?

EXCUSE ME JUST A
SECOND, WON'T YOU?

SURE. THANKS.

LUKE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UH, WE'RE GOING TO
THE HARVARD-YALE GAME.

YOU'RE GOING TO THE
HARVARD-YALE GAME?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO
AT THE HARVARD-YALE GAME?

THEY MAKE BABIES?
THEY PLAY FOOTBALL.

AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
WATCH THEM PLAY FOOTBALL.

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT
ME. LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.

I'M WORRIED. WHY?

EVER SINCE YOU
HIRED THAT BRENNON,

THE LITTLE SPARK HAS
GONE OUT OF YOUR EYES.

IT HAS?

YES, IT HAS.

AND I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IT IS
HELL WATCHING YOU GO THROUGH THIS.

SO I THINK FOR YOUR OWN
SAKE, YOU SHOULD FIRE FROGGY.

FROGGY? UH, BRENNON.

YOU WANT ME TO
FIRE BRENNON. WHY?

THE SPARK. REMEMBER THE SPARK?

WHY DO YOU WANT
ME TO FIRE BRENNON?

COME BACK, LITTLE
SPARK! COME BACK.

LORELAI.

HE DOESN'T WRITE
THE ORDERS DOWN,

NEVER BRINGS YOU FOOD
THAT'S HOT, OR YOURS.

HE CAN'T DISTINGUISH BAGELS FROM
DOUGHNUTS, HE HANDS OUT BUTT-NAPKINS

AND HE'S WORN THAT FOREIGNER T-SHIRT EVERY
SINGLE DAY SINCE HE STARTED WORKING HERE

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHO THEY ARE. I ASKED HIM.

WHAT ARE BUTT-NAPKINS?

KIRK NEEDED A NAPKIN, AND HE
PULLED ONE OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET.

HEY, BREN?

YEAH, BOSS.

DID YOU GIVE KIRK A NAPKIN
OUT OF YOUR BACK POCKET?

YEAH. DON'T.

OK.

THAT'S IT? WHAT ABOUT
ALL THE OTHER STUFF?

LOOK, YOU'RE JUST USED
TO ME. GIVE HIM TIME.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE FROG,
THE HANDS, AND THE SANDWICH?

NO, BUT I'VE HEARD ABOUT THE
RABBI, THE PRIEST, AND THE DUCK.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY.

HEY, BREN, GET MS. GILMORE A
CUP OF HOT COFFEE, WILL YOU?

GIVE THE KID A
CHANCE, ALL RIGHT?

HE'S HELPING ME OUT... DECAF.

AND I HAVE FAITH IN HIM. ALL
HE NEEDS IS A LITTLE MORE TIME

BLACK TOP.

TO LEARN THE ROPES,
AND HE'LL BE FINE.

WHERE DID HE GO?

OH, I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE ARE THEY ALL GOING? IT'S
SATURDAY MORNING. THEY SHOULD BE IN BED.

THEY'RE EXCITED ABOUT
LIFE. IT'S A COLLEGE THING.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
EXCITED ABOUT LIFE?

I FIND NOTHING
EXCITING BEFORE 11:00.

YOO-HOO, GIRLS! OVER HERE!

GOD, WHO'S YOO-HOOING?

OH, MY GOD.

LORELAI, RORY.

IT'S A FINE DAY FOR FOOTBALL.

AND FUNNY HATS.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE
SITTING ON THE GROUND LIKE THAT,

YOU SHOULD GET YOURSELF
A SAXOPHONE AND A TIP CUP.

SORRY. UP! RIGHT.

LORELAI, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

UH, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE
HORRIFIED BY WHAT I'M WEARING?

YOU'RE WEARING CRIMSON.

I'M NOT WEARING CRIMSON.

OH, SHE CAN'T GO LIKE THAT.

CRIMSON IS HARVARD'S COLOR.

THAT'S A VERY DANGEROUS
CHOICE TO MAKE TODAY, LORELAI.

I'M NOT WEARING
CRIMSON. I'M WEARING RED.

SAME THING.

VERY DIFFERENT.

LOOK AT RORY. RORY IS
DRESSED IN YALE COLORS.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE RORY?

RORY LOOKS PERFECT.

RORY GOT DRESSED JUST 5 MINUTES BEFORE
YOU GOT HERE, AND SHE'S WEARING MY SWEATER.

I COULD JUST AS EASILY'VE
BEEN THE ONE DRESSED RIGHT.

YOU CAN WEAR MY JACKET.

YOU HAVE A SAMURAI SWORD
UNDER THOSE POMPOMS?

'CAUSE YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL
BILL ME TO GET ME INTO THAT.

ARM. YES, MA'AM.

UH, WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT THERE, RORY?

FIG NEWTONS.

FIG NEWTONS?

A LITTLE DESSERT FOR LATER.

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

WE GOT THE JUMBO
PACK. WE'RE NOT CHEAP.

I'M SORRY, RORY, WE DIDN'T
MEAN TO LAUGH AT YOU.

WE LOVE YOUR FIG NEWTONS.

WE'LL HONOR THEM
AND EAT THEM PROUDLY.

THEY'RE JUST FIG NEWTONS,
GUYS. DON'T GET ALL FREAKY ON US.

WELL, LET'S GET GOING.

SO, WHAT TIME DOES
THE GAME START?

1:00.

1:00? THEN WHY THE HELL DID
WE HAVE TO MEET YOU AT 9:00?

IS IT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR
YOU TO TALK LIKE SHARON OSBOURNE?

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH
THE DIRTY BUTTON.

THERE'S MUCH MORE TO THE BIG
GAME DAY THAN THE GAME, LORELAI.

THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF RITUALS AND
TRADITIONS WE GILMORES TAKE PART IN.

FIRST OFF, A VISIT TO DAN.

A VISIT TO DAN.

WHO'S DAN?

COME ALONG, LADIES.

WHO'S DAN?

BUTTON YOUR COAT.

WHO'S DAN?

GIRLS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DAN.

THE ORIGINAL HANDSOME DAN.

THE VERY FIRST YALE MASCOT.

OH, MY.

JUST LOOK AT HIM, WILL YOU? STRONG,
DETERMINED, THE VERY ESSENCE OF DIGNITY.

GOT COTTON STUFFED IN HIS
BUTT. HOW DIGNIFIED IS THAT?

YOU WILL NOT SULLY
THE NAME OF DAN.

THIS DOG HAS BEEN THE
INSPIRATION FOR MANY A YOUNG MAN.

AND YOUNG WOMAN.

WE SALUTE YOU, DAN.

TIME FOR A TOAST.

SERIOUSLY?

OH, IT'S A TRADITION.
HERE WE GO.

THE RORY FLASK.

AND THE FUN FLASK.

THANK YOU.

LORELAI?

FUN FLASK, PLEASE. MMM-HMM.

MMM.

ALL RIGHT. GIVE OUR
BOYS THE STRENGTH

TO DO BATTLE YET AGAIN
FOR THE HONOR OF YALE

AND HELP US SEND THE HARVARD
BOYS HOME IN A BODY BAG.

DAN, WE SALUTE YOU.

TO DAN.

TO DAN. TO DAN.

MMM, I LIKE FOOTBALL.

I MUST ADMIT,
THROUGHOUT THE YEARS

I'VE OFTEN HOPED TO BE ABLE TO
SHARE THIS DAY WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

IT'S SELFISH, I KNOW, BUT I AM
THRILLED TO BE HERE WITH YOU, RORY.

TO RORY.

2 MORE OF THESE AND I'M GONNA
START TO UNDERSTAND YOUR OUTFIT.

♪ BULLDOG, BULLDOG,
BOW-WOW-WOW ♪

♪ ELI YALE! ♪

WHAT IS HE DOING?

♪ BULLDOG, BULLDOG BOW-WOW-WOW ♪

THEY'RE JOINING HIM.

APPARENTLY, EVERYONE
AROUND HERE HAS A FUN FLASK.

YOU KNOW, COLE PORTER
WROTE THAT SONG.

WAS IT BEFORE HE
LEARNED TO WRITE SONGS?

♪ THAT IS THE SIGN WE HAIL ♪

♪ BULL DOG, BULL
DOG, BOW-WOW-WOW ♪

♪ ELI YALE! ♪

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.
TIME TO MOVE ON.

WE HAVE A LOT OF
THINGS TO GET TO.

I HEAR THERE'S A SQUIRREL
ENCASED IN CONCRETE NEXT DOOR.

WE HAVE TO BURN INCENSE, DANCE
AROUND HIS TAIL WITH NUTS IN OUR MOUTHS.

WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY
DO TO STOP YOU?

A LITTLE MORE OF THE FUN
FLASK MIGHT DO THE TRICK.

THAT'S ALL UNTIL WE EAT.

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO EAT?

UH, IT'S A TAILGATE PARTY.

I'M SORRY, A WHAT?

DON'T LOOK SO SHOCKED, LORELAI.
TAILGATING WAS INVENTED AT YALE.

TAILGATING, LIKE TAILGATING? LIKE A
BEER AND A HOT DOG IN THE PARKING LOT?

WALK A LITTLE FASTER, PLEASE.

DID THEY JUST SAY TAILGATING?

I THINK SO.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE IT
WASN'T THE FUN FLASK TALKING.

GIRLS?

OH, SO, THIS IS TAILGATING.

IT SMELLS SO GOOD.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
GO, YALE. HI, I'M LORELAI.

I'M BENNIE.

WOW, GREAT TO MEET YOU, BENNIE.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS
BARBECUE SAUCE.

PLEASE DON'T HARASS PEOPLE.

YOUR DAUGHTER
GOES TO THIS SCHOOL.

HI MOM, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BENNIE.
BENNIE, THIS IS MY MOTHER, EMILY.

WE WERE THINKING
A SUMMER WEDDING.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
WE'RE OVER THERE.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU ARE.
I HAVE FOUND MY PLACE IN LIFE.

IT'S HERE, RIGHT NEXT...

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT? LOOK.

RICHARD, MAKE SURE
HE DOESN'T BURN THOSE.

SEE YOU, BENNIE.

OK, LET'S TAILGATE. I
REALLY LIKE FOOTBALL.

HOW'S THAT?

OH, THAT'S FINE IF
WE WERE IN UTAH.

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

DON'T KEEP DRINKING
THAT, RICHARD.

I'M MAKING MY BLOODY MARYS.

YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING ON YOUR
BLOODY MARYS FOR AN HOUR NOW.

ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY.

TASTE THAT, LORELAI.

UH, HOO-YAH!

TOO STRONG? JUST A TAD.

YEAH, I'M SITTING ACROSS FROM IT

AND I'M LOOKING FOR
A LAMPSHADE TO WEAR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

RORY, COME WITH ME. I WANNA INTRODUCE
YOU TO SOME GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE.

SURE.

HE IS SO PROUD OF THAT GIRL.

HMM, I KNOW.

SOMETIMES THAT'S
ALL HE CAN TALK ABOUT.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S A
PRETTY GOOD SUBJECT.

GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER, RORY

CLASS OF 2007.

SO, ANY WORD FROM THAT
LITTLE EX-HOODLUM OF HERS?

NO. JESS SEEMS TO
BE GONE FOR GOOD.

HOW IS SHE?

SHE'S RORY. SHE'S
STOIC. SHE'S LOT LIKE DAD.

SHE IS, ISN'T SHE?

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ANY MEN SNIFFING AROUND?

UH, JUST ON TRASH DAY.

THERE MUST BE SOMEONE.

NO, NO, NO ONE.

ALL RIGHT. ANY WEAKER, AND IT
WOULD SIMPLY BE TOMATO JUICE.

MMM, VERY NICE.

YES? MMM.

PERFECT.

HI.

HI, PARIS.

IS RORY HERE?

ON, NO. SHE'S OVER THERE WITH HER
GRANDFATHER. SHE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MOM, DO YOU KNOW PARIS?

OF COURSE I KNOW PARIS. SHE
CAME TO RORY'S 16TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WOULD
YOU LIKE SOME LEMONADE?

NO, THANK YOU. I
WON'T BE HERE LONG.

OH, RORY. GOOD.

HERE. WHAT'S THIS?

I WANT YOU TO TAKE
A WIN-LOSE PHOTO.

A WHAT?

A PHOTO AS IF WE WON,
AND A PHOTO AS IF WE LOST.

THAT WAY, I HAVE IT TO
REMEMBER THE DAY BY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST WAIT
UNTIL WE WIN OR LOSE?

OH, PLEASE. I'M ALREADY
SO BORED OUT OF MY MIND

I'M THINKING OF TRANSFERRING TO
PRINCETON JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M
GONNA MAKE IT TO THE GAME.

JUST TAKE THE PICTURE
SO I CAN GO HOME.

OK. WE WON! WE LOST.

WE'RE DONE.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

HELLO, PARIS. JOIN
US FOR SOME FOOD?

NO, THANKS, RICHARD.

OH, BY THE WAY, THANKS AGAIN FOR
INTRODUCING ME TO ASHER FLEMING.

DID YOU GET YOUR INTERVIEW?

NO, NOT YET, BUT
I'M WORKING ON IT.

WELL, I PITY HIM IF HE
TRIES TO RESIST TOO LONG.

OH. SO DO I. BYE.

BYE, PARIS.

SHE'S AN ODD LITTLE
DUCK, THAT ONE.

DON'T I GET ONE OF THOSE?

WELL, OF COURSE YOU DO.

RICHARD, EMILY, HELLO.

PENNILYN.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE THINGS?

PERFECT. YOU?

LOVELY. HOW'S WORK?

JUST FINE. HOW'S STEPHEN?

OH, YOU KNOW.

THIS IS OUR DAUGHTER, LORELAI.
AND OUR GRANDDAUGHTER, RORY.

HELLO.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
WE MUST CATCH UP.

YOU'LL CALL? OF COURSE.

OH. WAIT, ARE YOU PENNILYN LOTT,
MY DAD'S COLLEGE SWEETHEART?

YES.

YOU'RE MY ALMOST-MOMMY.

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU
COULD PUT IT THAT WAY.

I'M SO GLAD TO FINALLY MEET
YOU. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING:

WOULD YOU HAVE
LET ME GET A PONY?

I'LL CALL YOU, PENNILYN.

UH, YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

BYE!

LORELAI!

DOES ANYTHING WORK
ABOVE YOUR NECK?

UH, WHAT? WHAT
WERE YOU THINKING?

I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST
TRYING TO TALK TO HER.

WE DO NOT TALK TO PENNILYN
LOTT. WE RUN INTO HER ONCE A YEAR.

WE SAY "HELLO,"
"GOODBYE," AND THAT IS IT.

WE DO NOT HAVE CONVERSATIONS,
WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT OUR LIVES.

BUT, MOM...

WE DO NOT JOKE WITH PENNILYN LOTT.
WE DO NOT REFER TO PENNILYN LOTT

AS ANYTHING BUT PENNILYN LOTT.

AND I WOULD APPRECIATE
YOU REMEMBERING THAT.

OK. SERIOUSLY, TIME
FOR THE FUN FLASK.

HEY, PATTY. HI, SWEETIE.

GYPSY. HEY, LUKE.

REV. SKINNER. AFTERNOON, SON.

OH, HEY, KIRK, I GOT
THAT CHEESE IN YOU LIKE.

THE PEPPER JACK. PEPPER JACK.

YES, ANYWAY, IT'S HERE, IT'S
IN IF YOU'RE COMING BY TODAY.

OK. ARE YOU?

AM I COMING BY TODAY? YES.

NO, NOT TODAY.

KIRK, LISTEN, I GOT THAT
CHEESE JUST FOR YOU.

DO NOT LEAVE ME WITH 3 POUNDS
OF PEPPER JACK ON MY HANDS.

I WON'T.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ANYWAY?

STANDING IN LINE.

WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN LINE?

BECAUSE I'M A FOLLOWER.

PATTY? YES, LUKE?

WHAT ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE
STANDING IN THE LINE FOR?

WELL, IT SEEMED LIKE
SUCH A NICE DAY FOR PIE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I'M STICKING TO THE PIE STORY.

WHY DO YOU NEED
A PIE STORY, KIRK?

ASK GYPSY.

DON'T PAWN THIS OFF ON ME.

WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT
THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

LUKE...

I'M SORRY, REVEREND.

NO, I WAS GONNA TELL
YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.

OH, GOOD. GO AHEAD.

WE'RE ALL HERE FOR LUNCH.

SINCE WHEN DOES
WESTON'S SERVE LUNCH?

WE'RE SORRY, LUKE.
WE REALLY ARE.

YOU'RE SORRY ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT NOT EATING AT
YOUR DINER ANYMORE.

YOU'RE NOT EATING AT
MY DINER ANYMORE? WHY?

WE HATE THE KID.

BRENNON?

BRENNON, SATAN, WHATEVER.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE
OVERREACTING A LITTLE? HE'S JUST A KID.

A REALLY WEIRD KID.

HE'LL BE LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU
AND START LAUGHING. NO ONE KNOWS WHY.

HE'S JUST THERE, LAUGHING.

HE LAUGHS? THAT'S
WHY YOU HATE HIM?

THE KID LAUGHS?

YOU'D HAVE TO HEAR IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE.

YOU'VE BEEN COMING TO MY DINER
FOR YEARS, AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

BECAUSE I GIVE A LOCAL KID A
BREAK, TRY TO TEACH HIM A SKILL,

GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO GET A LITTLE
EXTRA CASH, A LITTLE INDEPENDENCE,

YOU ALL JUST UP AND LEAVE?

I MEAN, SO HE'S NOT THE
MOST POPULAR KID IN TOWN.

IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
I WASN'T EXACTLY

THE MOST POPULAR
KID IN TOWN, EITHER.

YEAH. BUT YOU DIDN'T
DO THAT LAUGHING THING.

W-WHATEVER I DID, I... I
GREW UP, I GOT RESPONSIBLE.

THIS TOWN GAVE ME A CHANCE
AND I PROVED THEM RIGHT.

NOW, YOU'RE ALL JUST GONNA
STAND THERE AND TELL ME THAT'S IT,

THAT YOU'VE GIVEN OUT ALL
THE PASSES THAT YOU HAD

AND YOU'RE NOT COMING
TO MY DINER ANYMORE,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE BRENNON?

WELL, FINE. FINE! DO
NOT COME TO MY DINER.

FROM NOW ON, EVERY
DAY IS A NICE DAY FOR PIE.

HEY, HEY.

♪ GET A COOKIE AND
STICK IT UP YOUR YEAH ♪

♪ STICK IT UP YOUR YEAH ♪

♪ STICK IT UP YOUR YEAH ♪

♪ STICK IT UP YOUR YEAH ♪

♪ THAT COOKIE, STICK
IT UP YOUR YEAH ♪

JUST GIVE ME 10 MINUTES.

♪ STICK IT UP YOUR YEAH ♪

I THINK I HAVE OFFICIALLY
EATEN A THIRD OF A COW.

MMM, THIS STEAK IS INCREDIBLE.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL ENJOYING IT.

LORELAI, HOW'S YOUR STEAK?

WHY DO YOU ASK?

THAT'S IT. HAND OVER THE FLASK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT. THERE'S NO FLASK HERE.

WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?

OH, RICHARD, IT'S DAN.

DAN? IT'S DAN! IT'S DAN!

I THOUGHT WE ALREADY SAW DAN.

THIS IS THE CURRENT DAN.

EMILY, GET HIS BONE.

GOT IT.

HERE YOU GO, DAN.

ENJOY IT NOW.

I JUST SAW YOUR
FUTURE, AND IT AIN'T GOOD.

RORY, HEY.

HEY, DID YOU SEE DAN?

OH, YOU CAN'T HELP IT. HE'S EVERYWHERE
TODAY IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER.

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY MOM.

I'LL DISTRACT THEM, AND
YOU MAKE A RUN FOR IT.

DAN, ARE YOU LISTENING
TO ME? STOP EATING.

YOUR FREEDOM'S AT STAKE HERE!

MOM?

I WAS JUST PETTING HIM.

I WANT YOU TO MEET MARTY.

OH, NAKED GUY!

YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER ABOUT ME.

UM, YEAH, I INCLUDED SOME ANECDOTES
WHERE YOU WERE ACTUALLY CLOTHED, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THAT.

AND WHO IS THIS YOUNG MAN?

THIS IS MARTY. HE LIVES
IN MY RESIDENCE HALL.

IT'S VERY NICE TO
MEET YOU, MARTY.

WHY DID MY DAUGHTER
JUST CALL YOU "NAKED GUY"?

I NOW OWE YOU MONEY.

I HAD AN UNFORTUNATE
EXPERIENCE WITH A KEG AND A PARTY

AND A NEED TO TAKE MY CLOTHES
OFF AND FALL ASLEEP IN A HALLWAY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, PLEASE, THAT'S NOTHING.

I WAS NAKED AN ENTIRE
MONTH MY SOPHOMORE YEAR.

WHAT?

WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF "THINGS
I NEVER NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT MY FATHER."

I, AND A GROUP OF
LIKE-MINDED YOUNG MEN,

DECIDED TO PROTEST
THE NEW DRESS CODE

BY WEARING SILK TIES
AND NOTHING ELSE.

WE WERE WRITTEN UP BY
THE DEAN OF ADMISSIONS

AND THREATENED WITH EXPULSION.

WE WERE ALSO SUDDENLY
VERY POPULAR WITH THE LADIES.

AH, YES, THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF
CONVERSATION I HAD HOPED WE WOULD HAVE

WITH OUR GRANDDAUGHTER
AND HER FRIEND.

ONE NIGHT IN THE HALLWAY DOES NOT
A TRUE "NAKED GUY" MAKE, MY FRIEND.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
EAT WITH US, MARTY?

OH, I WOULD LOVE
TO. IT LOOKS AMAZING.

BUT I HAVE TO GO. THERE'S KIND OF A
PARTY GOING ON OVER ON THE LAWN

AND I ACTUALLY CAME BY TO SEE IF RORY
WANTED TO STOP BY FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

OH, I CAN'T.

NONSENSE. OF COURSE YOU CAN GO.

GO VISIT YOUR FRIENDS. I INSIST.

ARE YOU SURE?

OH, WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF
TIME BEFORE THE KICKOFF.

GO. OK.

TAKE THIS WITH YOU.

THANKS. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

OBI-WAN.

MMM.

I LIKE THAT BOY.

PROVE IT. DROP YOUR PANTS.

ALL RIGHT, COME
ON. COME ON WHERE?

IT'S TIME TO GO TO
THE LADIES' ROOM.

IT IS? WAS THERE A MEMO?

IT'S AN HOUR BEFORE KICKOFF.
THE LINES WON'T BE LONG.

GRAB YOUR PURSE.
YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.

I'LL MEET YOU RIGHT OUTSIDE.

COFFEE, PLEASE.

HERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

SURE.

OF COURSE THERE'S A LINE.
WHY WOULDN'T THERE BE?

YOU KNOW, YOU KIND OF WANT
TO HANG OUT HERE ANYHOW.

WHY IS THAT?

SOME WOMAN TOOK HER
40-YEAR-OLD SON IN THERE.

NO! HE MIGHT NOT BE 40,

BUT THE IMAGES HE'S GATHERING UP IN
THERE WILL LAST HIM UNTIL HE GETS THERE.

WHY DO WOMEN DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, THERE
WAS SUCH A THING CALLED MODESTY.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S
NOT IN FASHION NOW.

NO. MODESTY WENT PUNK.

SO, I HEAR YOU'RE
OPENING AN INN.

WELL, TRYING TO.

THAT SOUNDS VERY EXCITING.

IT IS.

PENNILYN, WE'RE JUST RUNNING
INTO YOU ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YES, YOU ARE.

WELL, IT'S A NICE
TREAT. ENJOY THE GAME.

SAME TO YOU.

OOPS, THE LINE'S MOVING.

OOPS. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YES. LET'S GO, LORELAI.

DID YOU SEE THE WOMAN
WITH THE 40-YEAR-OLD KID?

OH, EMILY. GOOD.

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHETHER
IT'S 2 SHAKES OF TABASCO OR 4.

I'LL DO IT.

I DID, HOWEVER, REMEMBER
HOW MUCH VODKA GOES IN THERE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
MOVE IF I'M GONNA MAKE THEM.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO MOVE,

I WANT TO STAND RIGHT HERE,
DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO MY WIFE. AS LONG...

♪

WHIFFENPOOFS!

♪ WHO HAVE LOST OUR WAY ♪

♪ BAA, BAA, BAA ♪

♪ WE ARE LITTLE BLACK SHEEP ♪

THERE'S NO CELERY.

SANDY, I TOLD YOU TO CUT
ENOUGH CELERY FOR THE ENTIRE DAY.

♪ BAA, BAA, BAA ♪

♪ GENTLEMEN SONGSTERS
OFF ON A SPREE ♪

♪ DOWN FROM HERE TO ETERNITY ♪

OH, HE'S GONNA BE IN
SO MUCH PAIN TOMORROW.

WHAT IS THIS?

SANDY, WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S THE COOKIES.

IT'S THE COOKIES MY
GRANDDAUGHTER BROUGHT.

I TOLD YOU TO PLACE
THEM ON A DOILY,

NOT JUST DUMP THEM ON A PLATE.

I'M SORRY.

TAKE THEM, FIX THEM.

AND WHERE'S THE CELERY?

UM, I CAN GET YOU CELERY, MOM.

I DIDN'T HIRE YOU
TO GET ME CELERY.

I KNOW, BUT I'M HAPPY TO HELP.

SANDY, I DON'T
WANNA ASK YOU AGAIN.

IS SOMETHING WRONG, MOM?

NO. NOTHING'S WRONG.

THESE ARE THE BEST BLOODY
MARYS I HAVE EVER TASTED.

EMILY, LET'S GIVE THESE
BOYS SOME REFRESHMENTS.

WE CAN'T GIVE THEM ANY BECAUSE
WE DON'T HAVE ANY CELERY,

EVEN THOUGH I'VE BEEN ASKING FOR IT
REPEATEDLY FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES.

WE CAN DRINK THEM
WITHOUT CELERY.

HOW DOES PENNILYN LOTT KNOW
THAT LORELAI'S OPENING AN INN?

E-E-EXCUSE ME?

SHE KNOWS THAT
LORELAI'S OPENING AN INN.

HOW DID SHE KNOW?

WELL...

I DIDN'T TELL HER.

I DON'T THINK LORELAI TOLD HER.

I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME
RORY AND PENNILYN HAD A HEN PARTY.

AH, MOM...

ONCE A YEAR. THAT'S WHEN WE TALK TO
HER, ONCE A YEAR, RIGHT HERE AT THE GAME.

WE SAY HELLO, WE ASK ABOUT HER
HEALTH, WE ASK ABOUT HER CHILDREN.

IF STEPHEN'S NOT HERE, WE ASK
ABOUT HIM. HOW DID SHE KNOW?

I TOLD HER.

RUN.

WHEN?

UH, ABOUT 6 MONTHS
AGO. WE HAD LUNCH.

WHERE? AT A RESTAURANT.

WHAT RESTAURANT?
YOU DON'T KNOW IT.

WHY DON'T I KNOW IT?

BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE?

YOU DON'T KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

I DIDN'T KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HAVING
LUNCH WITH PENNILYN LOTT.

WE OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING
ABOUT EACH OTHER. WHAT RESTAURANT?

ADELE'S. I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE.

WE JUST HAD LUNCH AND
TALKED. 2 OLD FRIENDS.

HOW NICE. SO, AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS
OF NOT HAVING LUNCH AND NOT TALKING,

YOU 2 DECIDE TO GET
TOGETHER AND CATCH UP.

WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?

EMILY, COULD WE DISCUSS
THIS IN THE TRAILER?

WE WILL DISCUSS THIS RIGHT
HERE. WHOSE IDEA WAS IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE'VE BEEN HAVING LUNCH
ONCE A YEAR FOR MANY YEARS.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE TRADITION.

EVERY YEAR SINCE WHEN?

EVERY YEAR SINCE WE GOT MARRIED.

EMILY, PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS
MORE DRAMATIC THAN IT HAS TO BE.

NO, I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T
WANT TO DO THAT!

PENNILYN AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.

WE JUST WANTED TO KEEP TRACK
OF EACH OTHER. THAT WAS IT.

SO YOU'VE LIED TO ME
FOR THE LAST 39 YEARS.

OH, SHE DIDN'T TELL
STEPHEN. IT WAS ONLY LUNCH.

OH, ONLY LUNCH, YES.

EMILY, I...

I THINK YOU SHOULD
GO FOR A WALK, RICHARD.

I'LL BE BACK BEFORE THE GAME.

MOM, I KNOW IT WAS WRONG,

BUT I'M SURE DAD JUST DIDN'T
WANT TO GET YOU UPSET.

THEN PERHAPS HE SHOULDN'T HAVE
LIED TO ME FOR THE LAST 39 YEARS.

THAT'S A SUREFIRE WAY
NOT TO GET ME UPSET.

YES, TRUE, BUT IT
WAS JUST LUNCH.

IT WAS LUNCH WITH
PENNILYN LOTT, LORELAI,

THE WOMAN YOU
INSISTED ON TALKING TO,

EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU NOT TO.

I DIDN'T...

YOUR STUBBORNNESS
IS ASTOUNDING TO ME.

I ASKED YOU OVER AND OVER TO
PLEASE REFRAIN FROM TALKING TO HER.

YOU ASKED ME ONCE...

BUT NO, YOU HAD TO PUSH IT. AND NOW
LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED. ARE YOU HAPPY?

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY
BLAMING ME FOR THIS?

YOU HAD TO TALK TO HER.

I DIDN'T HAVE LUNCH
WITH HER, MOM. DAD DID.

I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN. IF YOU HADN'T
TALKED TO HER, I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN

AND EVERYTHING
WOULD'VE BEEN FINE.

SO YOU'D RATHER BE IN
DENIAL ABOUT THINGS, MOM?

EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE.

BUT DAD STILL WOULD'VE BEEN HAVING
LUNCH WITH THIS WOMAN ONCE A YEAR.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN
SUPPOSED TO COME.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FATHER AND
ME AND RORY. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO COME.

OK!

THIS IS JASON STILES.

YOU STILL HAVE
THOSE RESERVATIONS?

SHOULD I...

NO. GONNA LET IT GO.
I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00.

OK.

AND WEAR SOMETHING
COMPLETELY EVIL.

SO HORNS, TAIL, AND
MY WOLFOWITZ T-SHIRT?

PERFECT.

BYE.

BYE.

MAN, THIS PLACE IS CRAZY.

YOU KNOW THEY FLEW
IN THE TOP PROSTITUTES

FROM HONG KONG TO
WORK THAT COAT CHECK.

OH, I HOPE THAT'S TRUE.

OK. IS THERE A STAR?
WE NEED A STAR.

BINGO! WHAT?

TED KOPPEL'S HERE.

WHERE? RIGHT THERE.

OH, DEAR, SO HE REALLY
DOES LOOK LIKE THAT.

THE NAME IS STILES, FOR 2.

I LOVE THAT TED KOPPEL'S HERE!

FOLLOW ME.

LOOK HOW SHE
SEATS US RIGHT AWAY.

YOU LIKE THAT,
HUH? I DO LIKE THAT.

IF SHE SEATS US NEXT TO TED

WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE
TO BECOME HIS BEST FRIENDS

SO HE INVITES US TO ALL THOSE
FAMOUS NEWSCASTER PARTIES.

OH, THAT SOUNDS FABULOUS.

MISS? YES?

OH, ME? SORRY. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOUR WAITER WILL
BE HERE IN A MOMENT.

NICE, HUH?

YES, VERY NICE.

QUIET. YOU COULD
HEAR A PIN DROP.

SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TONIGHT?

RED, WHITE OR GIN-SOAKED?

RED'S GOOD.

RED IT IS.

SO, I'M SORRY, IS THIS
WHERE WE'RE GOING TO EAT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

OH, OK.

DID THEY RUN OUT OF
TABLES OR SOMETHING?

I REQUESTED THIS ROOM.

YOU REQUESTED IT? YES.

YOU ASKED FOR IT ON PURPOSE?

HEY, IT'S VERY HARD
TO GET THIS ROOM.

EVERYBODY WANTS IT,
AND NOW WE'VE GOT IT.

YES, WE DO. WE
HAVE IT. LUCKY US.

IT'S JUST THAT EVERYTHING'S
KIND OF GOING ON OUT THERE.

SO?

DON'T YOU WANNA BE OUT
THERE, WITH EVERYBODY ELSE?

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S FUN.

ALL THE PEOPLE, THE NOISE, YOU
CAN'T EVEN HEAR YOURSELF THINK.

BUT THAT'S THE POINT OF
COMING TO A PLACE LIKE THIS.

I THOUGHT THE POINT OF
COMING TO A PLACE LIKE THIS

WOULD BE TO ENJOY THE
FOOD AND THE ATMOSPHERE.

YES, BUT ALL OF THE
ATMOSPHERE IS OUT THERE.

YOU DON'T LIKE THE ROOM.

NO, IT'S...

IT IS WEIRD, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THE 2 OF US
SITTING ALL ALONE IN HERE...

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE QUARANTINED.

IT'S LIKE THE EBOLA
ROOM OR SOMETHING.

OK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHY DON'T WE ASK
FOR A TABLE OUT THERE?

UH, THE PLACE IS BOOKED SOLID.

WE CAN EAT AT THE BAR.

I DON'T EAT AT THE BAR. WHY NOT?

I DON'T LIKE STOOLS.
YOUR FEET HANG.

HEY, THIS IS A FANCY PLACE.

SOMEONE WILL HOLD THEM.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO.

OH, JASON.

NO, YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.
IT'S FINE. LET'S GO.

TED WOULD.

OH.

WE COULD GO SOMEPLACE
ELSE. YOU MUST BE STARVING.

NO, I'M NOT. I HAD A
LOT OF FOOD TODAY.

RIGHT, YOU TAILGATED.

OK. SO, HOME?

OK, YEAH. HOME'S FINE.

WE COULD TRY THIS
AGAIN SOME OTHER TIME.

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

MY GOD, I'M STARVING.

YOU JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T.

WELL, I LIED.

WELL, GOOD, 'CAUSE
I'M STARVING, TOO.

WELL, YOU SHOULD
HAVE SAID SOMETHING.

OUR DATE WAS
DINNER. IT WAS IMPLIED.

OH, OK, NEXT EXIT.

WHAT?

GET OFF AT THE
NEXT EXIT. DO IT! DO IT!

OK, DOING IT. DOING
IT. DOING IT. DOING IT.

THIS PLACE, HANDS-DOWN,
BEST TACOS ON THE EAST COAST.

YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY HAPPY.

GOOD TO KNOW.

WELCOME TO TACO BARN.
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

HEY, UM, 2 TACOS, AN ORDER OF
TAQUITOS, A BEEF BURRITO WITH NO ONIONS

AND DON'T BOTHER BAGGING IT,
THAT'LL JUST SLOW US DOWN. GO AHEAD.

NOTHING FOR ME.

WHAT?

NO, NOTHING. THANKS.

YOU SAID YOU WERE STARVING.

YEAH, I'M JUST NOT
BIG ON MEXICAN FOOD.

TRUST ME, THIS STUFF BEARS NO
RESEMBLANCE TO MEXICAN FOOD.

IT... IT'S OK. I'M GOOD.

OK.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA EAT
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA EAT.

WHAT IS THIS, JUNIOR HIGH?

NO, NO, I JUST UM, DON'T WANNA
SIT IN A CAR AND EAT BY MYSELF.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUN.

WELL, DOES EVERYTHING
HAVE TO BE FUN FOR YOU?

WHEN I'M ON A DATE, YEAH.

OH, PLEASE, C'MON,
JUST GET THE FOOD.

NO, NO, LET'S GO.

NO, THE TACOS.
YOU LOVE THE TACOS.

I'M NOT HUNGRY.

YOU ARE, TOO, HUNGRY.

FORGET IT. LET'S GO.

OK, I'M GOING.

HELLO?

I TOLD YOU TO GET THE TACOS.

OH, LET'S NOT DO THIS AGAIN,
OK? I JUST NEED TO EAT SOMETHING.

THIS IS A SUPERMARKET.

I'M GONNA THROW MY PURSE AT YOU.

YOU HAVE TO COOK
ANYTHING YOU BUY HERE.

JASON, COME ON. "COME ON," WHAT?

THERE ARE A MILLION THINGS HERE.
THERE'S CHEESE, AND FRUIT, AND CHIPS,

AND A WHOLE PREPARED-FOOD SECTION.
NOW GRAB THIS BASKET AND LOOK.

DO YOU WANT TO
START WITH THE SALAD?

OK.

OK.

WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

I NEED RAZORS.

NO, NO, THIS IS AN ERRAND.

SO?

SO? WE'RE LOOKING FOR FOOD,
AND YOU'RE RUNNING ERRANDS.

I'M A BUSY MAN. I DON'T HAVE
TIME TO DO THESE THINGS.

WE'RE ON A DATE!
WE'RE IN A STORE!

THEY'RE RIGHT THERE. NOW I
DON'T HAVE TO GO TOMORROW.

BUT A DATE ISN'T
ABOUT CONVENIENCE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS YOU NEED.

OH, SHOOT, I'M OUT
OF TOOTHPASTE.

GRAB IT.

OH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I NEED HAND SOAP.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GRAB SOME PAPER TOWELS
AND MEET YOU IN THE PREPARED-FOOD SECTION.

FINE. UH, WHICH
WAY IS DETERGENT?

THAT WAY.

YOU NEED PEAS? 'CAUSE
THERE'S 2 FOR ONE.

UH, NO, I'M GOOD.

I'M GETTING YOU A COUPLE ANYHOW.

HUH, WHERE ARE YOU?

UH, LET'S SEE, THERE'S... THERE'S
JELL-O AND TINY COCKTAIL WIENERS.

OH, I'M ONE AISLE OVER.

I KNOW. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

BOY, I GOTTA TELL YOU, THE ADVICE ABOUT
NOT SHOPPING HUNGRY COULDN'T BE TRUER.

GOOD LORD, THAT'S A LOT OF FOOD.

IT'S NOT ALL JUST FOOD.

SO YOU WON'T EAT FAST
FOOD, BUT SNOWBALLS ARE OK?

I'VE NEVER EATEN
THEM. I WAS CURIOUS.

SNOWBALLS,
PINK-MARSHMALLOW-COCONUT BALLS.

YOU WOULDN'T BE CURIOUS ABOUT
PINK-MARSHMALLOW-COCONUT BALLS?

WHO MAKES THESE? HOW DID THE
DECISION TO DYE THE COCONUT PINK OCCUR?

WHY ARE THEY
SHAPED LIKE A CHEST?

IS THERE ANY DESSERT
ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET

THAT COULD STIMULATE
THIS MUCH DEBATE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

WELL, THEY USUALLY HAVE
THE MINI SIZE OF THESE CHIPS.

WELL, GET THE BIG ONE.

I GRAB 'EM WHEN I LEAVE THE
HOUSE. THIS WON'T FIT IN MY PURSE.

WELL, THEY MUST HAVE
THEM. HOLD ON A SECOND.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

JUST WATCH MY SNOWBALLS, PLEASE.

NOT ON A FIRST DATE, MISTER.

LET'S GO.

WHERE?

HURRY. HURRY. HURRY. HURRY.

NUMBER 4, RED LINE.
NUMBER 4, RED LINE.

10 MINUTES. THAT'S ALL WE NEED.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

WE'RE LOOKING FOR YOUR CHIPS.

SERIOUSLY?

WELL, THIS IS WHERE
THEY KEEP THE GOODS.

HOW DID YOU GET THE GUY
TO LET US IN THE BACK ROOM?

TALKING PEOPLE INTO DOING
THINGS THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO DO

HAPPENS TO BE MY SPECIALTY.

OOH, LOOK, A TIME
CLOCK. LET'S CLOCK IN.

DO YOU WANNA BE LUCY OR JAMAL?

UH, EITHER ONE. WHAT
WERE THE CHIPS YOU LIKE?

SOUR CREAM AND ONION.

HA! GOT 'EM.

OH, IT'S JUST LIKE HEAVEN!

HERE. WANNA DO THE HONORS?

I FEEL SO POWERFUL.

WELL, YOU'RE HOLDING A KNIFE.

BEING ARMED DOES THAT TO PEOPLE.

HA-HA.

WOW.

CAP'N CRUNCH. I LIVED ON
CAP'N CRUNCH IN COLLEGE.

CUT HIM.

CUT CAP'N CRUNCH?
THAT SEEMS A BIT SEVERE.

TRUST ME, HE'S GOT IT COMING.

UM, OK, I JUST HOPE JAMAL
DOESN'T GET BUSTED FOR THIS.

MAC AND CHEESE?

YEAH, PLEASE, IT'S DELICIOUS.

YOU KNOW, I MUST SAY, THIS IS A PRETTY
NICE SPREAD WE PUT TOGETHER HERE.

A LITTLE INGENUITY.

IT'S TOO BAD THEY STOPPED
SELLING ALCOHOL AFTER 9:30.

I MEAN, NOT THAT I NEED TO BE
DRUNK TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOU.

OH, THE FUN FLASK!

EXCUSE ME?

I SWIPED THE FUN FLASK.

SO, TELL ME SOMETHING.

YES?

WHY'D YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

HUH, NO REASON.

AH, YOU SEEMED TO
BE PRETTY DETERMINED.

YES, I DID.

AND YOU HAD SOME PRETTY
GOOD LOGIC BACKING YOU UP.

I ALWAYS DO.

SO, BETWEEN THE PHONE
CALL, WHERE YOU SAID "NO,"

AND 8 HOURS AGO, WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I WENT TO THE HARVARD-YALE
GAME WITH RORY AND MY PARENTS.

YEAH. THAT'S HOW I
GET ALL OF MY GIRLS.

AND UM, THERE WAS THIS
THING WITH MY MOTHER.

AND IT JUST, UH...

WELL, SHE WAS JUST...

I THOUGHT, UH...

SO HERE WE ARE.

SO, HERE WE ARE.

UM, LISTEN.

WHATEVER IT IS YOUR
MOTHER DID TODAY,

DO YOU THINK SHE MIGHT DO
IT AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT?

I THINK THERE'S AN
EXCELLENT POSSIBILITY.

OK, I'M GONNA GO FOR THE GIANT
EGG ROLLS. DO YOU WANT ONE?

YES, PLEASE. AND DON'T
FORGET THE HOT MUSTARD.

RIGHT.

HELLO?

SO HOW WAS IT?

IT'S STILL GOING ON.

REALLY? HOW DIRTY!

WE'RE AT THE WEST HILLS MARKET,
DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF PAPER CUPS.

REALLY? HOW PATHETIC.

HE MADE SURE I GOT
MY POTATO CHIPS.

REALLY? HOW CONFUSING.

HA-HA. I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.
HOW ARE THE GRANDPARENTS?

NOT SPEAKING.

MUST HAVE BEEN
ONE HELL OF A GAME.

I READ.

SORRY I BAILED.

YOU OWE ME NOTHING
BUT THE GORY DETAILS.

I MIGHT LIKE HIM.

JUST REMEMBER, YOU'RE SLEEPING
WITH EVERY PERSON HE'S EVER SLEPT WITH.

UM-HMM, THANK YOU FOR THAT.

CALL ME TOMORROW.

YOU GOT IT.