Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 4, Episode 21 - Last Week Fights, This Week Tights - full transcript

NO, NO, BOYS. YOU GO CLOCKWISE!

CLOCKWISE! CAN'T YOU TELL TIME?

THE OTHER WAY, BOYS!

THEY'RE NOT GETTING
IT, MISS PATTY.

WELL, THE WEDDING'S
TOMORROW. WE GOTTA GET IT.

IT'S THE BANYON BOYS. THEY
WON'T DO WHAT I TELL THEM.

NICE MAYPOLE, PATTY!
REALLY ORGANIZED!

OH, SHUT UP, KIRK!

TOUGH DAY, PATTY?

I'VE WORKED WITH JOAN
CRAWFORD. THIS IS WORSE.

I DON'T CALL THAT A MAYPOLE.
I'D CALL THAT A "MAYBE-NOT POLE."

WHAT'S WITH HIM?

HE'S MAD BECAUSE I MADE CHRISSY
MY DANCE CAPTAIN OVER HIM.

KIRK HAS 43 JOBS.

WOULD YOU GO TALK TO HIM,
PLEASE? I GOT MY HANDS FULL HERE.

THE BANYON BOYS?

OH, LUCIFER TIRED OF THEM IN
HELL AND DUMPED THEM HERE.

I'LL TALK TO KIRK.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, CHRISSY,
LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER GO!

HEY, KIRK, MAYBE YOU WANT
TO EASE UP ON PATTY A LITTLE.

BUT THE MAYPOLE IS
AN EXPERTISE OF MINE.

I REENACTED THE DWARF'S
MAYPOLE CHOREOGRAPHY

FROM THE SAFETY DANCE VIDEO,
MY JUNIOR-HIGH TALENT SHOW.

CHICKS WERE FALLING AT MY FEET.

I'M LESS THAN IMPRESSED, PATTY!

TAKE A BREAK, PLEASE. I'VE
SEEN MISS PATTY GET VIOLENT.

IT'S NOT PRETTY.
REMEMBER THAT TIME?

THAT'S WHEN SHE BEAT ME UP.

YEAH. LET'S NOT REPEAT THAT.

OK.

♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

THEY'RE THE BEST I'VE GOT.

THAT'S SAD, FOR YOU AND THE
WHOLE VEGETABLE INDUSTRY.

THEY'RE THE BEST IN THE
STATE. I STAND BY THEM.

THEY'RE PUNY. THEY'RE TASTELESS.

PUNY? THESE ARE NOT PUNY.

IF THEY'RE SMALL ENOUGH TO SHOVE
UP OUR SON'S NOSE, THEY'RE TOO SMALL.

NO WAY COULD YOU SHOVE
ONE OF THESE UP DAVEY'S NOSE.

BET YOU 5 BUCKS.

GET HIM IN HERE.

HEY, GUYS, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
SHOVE A RADISH UP YOUR SON'S NOSE.

JUST THINKIN' OUT LOUD.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THESE
IF IT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT.

WELL, DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS.

YOU TWO ARE BACK BIG-TIME.

THAT ACTUALLY FELT GOOD.

LIKE GETTING A JACK
LA LANNE WORKOUT.

DEAD OR ALIVE?

JACK LA LANNE? DEAD. NO, ALIVE.

NOW THAT'S GONNA BUG ME.

HELLO?

THERE IS SO MUCH JOY
AROUND ME, I'M GONNA HURL.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU SHOULD SEE ALL THE
BOISTEROUS HIGH-FIVING

GOING ON ALL AROUND ME. IT'S JUST
REALLY SAD. HEY, DO YOU MIND, BUDDY?

KIDS ARE IN PARTY
MODE, HUH? "THE KIDS"

ARE CLICKING THEIR HEELS
LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.

AND THERE IS NO TOMORROW
FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT HAVE

A FINAL ON SATURDAY MORNING,
SUCH AS ME. I'M PATHETIC.

I SHOULD STAND BETWEEN 2 OF THEM

AND HAVE THEM HIGH-FIVE
MY HEAD FROM OPPOSITE SIDES

AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY.

JUST ONE MORE FINAL TO
GO, THEN YOU'LL BE FREE.

2 MORE BOISTEROUS BOZOS
JUST RUBBING MY FACE IN IT.

I DO HAVE ONE THING
TO, UH, RUN BY YOU.

DO YOU HAVE THE BRAIN POWER?

I THINK I CAN SWING IT.

IT INVOLVES THE "J" WORD.

OH, NOT MORE ABOUT JESUS.
I'M SICK OF HIM AND MEL GIBSON.

JESS.

OH, WHAT ABOUT HIM?

HE'S IN TOWN FOR THAT WEDDING

AND I NEVER KNOW WHERE WE
STAND ON THE JESS-O-METER.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANT
ME TO TELL YOU WHEN I SEE HIM.

SURE. REALLY?

WHY NOT? OK,

IT'S JUST ALWAYS SO WEIRD,
THIS J-WORD TOPIC OF OURS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO REFER
TO HIM AS "THE "J" WORD."

CALL HIM JESS, AND FEEL FREE
TO TELL ME WHEN YOU SEE HIM.

OK.

I MEAN, IF YOU SEE
HIM 8 TIMES IN ONE DAY,

YOU DON'T NEED TO CALL ME 8 TIMES
TO TELL ME. THAT'S CLEARLY OVERKILL.

SURE.

YOU COULD LIMIT THE REPORTS
TO JUST SIGNIFICANT SIGHTINGS.

IF YOU SEE HIM 100 YARDS AWAY,
DISAPPEARING AROUND A CORNER,

I REALLY DON'T
NEED TO KNOW THAT.

IF HE COMES UP TO YOU AND
SPITS IN YOUR FACE, REPORT THAT.

PERMISSION TO SPIT BACK?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO?

RUN UP, TELL HIM I LOVE HIM,
THEN RUN AWAY REALLY FAST.

A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE.

DON'T! DON'T DO ANYTHING
OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

I WON'T. HONEY, I'M KIDDING.

THERE'S A HORSE
IN THE DINING ROOM.

WHAT?

CLETUS IS IN THE DINING ROOM.

WHY? HE HEARD ABOUT THE
TERRIFIC CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

I DON'T KNOW. I GOTTA
GO LOOK AT THIS. OK. BYE.

CLETUS, HONEY!

LORELAI, I NEED YOUR
SIGNATURE ON THIS, PLEASE.

MICHEL? YES?

DO YOU SEE THE BIG-NOSTRILED
THING NEXT TO ME HERE?

THE HORSE? UH-HUH, THE HORSE.

UH-HUH, IT'S BEEN
HERE FOR 20 MINUTES.

OH, WHAT WERE
YOU DOING ABOUT IT?

UH, NOTHING.

OH, NO, NOTHING?

IT'S A GIANT, SMELLY HORSE.

I FIGURED SOMEONE WAS
ALREADY TAKING CARE OF IT.

OH.

HE'S ALIVE! WHO?

JACK LA LANNE. I
JUST GOOGLED HIM.

HI, CLETUS.

SO YOU ALREADY SAW THE HORSE?

YEAH. SURE, HE'S BEEN
HERE, WHAT, 20, 30 MINUTES?

HMM, ABOUT 25.

OK. NEW DRAGONFLY INN
RULE. EVERYONE LISTENING?

OK, IF YOU SEE A
HORSE IN THE INN

OR ANY OTHER LARGE QUADRUPED
OR BIPED OR ANYTHING THAT'S NOT,

WHAT'S THE WORD? HUMAN,

FIGURE NO ONE'S DOING ANYTHING
ABOUT IT, AND DO SOMETHING.

WELL, FINE WITH ME.

YEAH, SAME HERE.

IF WE HAD THE RULE BEFORE, I
WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.

OK. GREAT. THANKS. BYE.

COME ON, TROUBLEMAKER.

HITTING THE ROAD, GLENN?

YEAH, AND I GOT A
HOT DATE TONIGHT.

WHO'S THE LUCKY GIRL?

I'M GETTING BACK TOGETHER
WITH MY GIRL FROM BACK HOME.

WANT TO SEE HER PICTURE? SURE.

GLEN, THIS GIRL IS,
LIKE, 12 YEARS OLD.

IT'S HER WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE.

DON'T MAKE THIS
INTO SOMETHING DIRTY!

SHE DRIVES AND EVERYTHING.

HAVE A GOOD SUMMER, GLENN.

OH, RORY, PERFECT TIMING. I
WANT YOU TO MEET SOMEBODY.

THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND,
CHESTER FLEET.

OH, HI, CHESTER. I'VE
HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.

IT'S KIND OF A WEIRD DAY TO MEET
HIM BECAUSE HE LOST A BET WITH ME

AND THAT MEANS THAT FOR THE
ENTIRE DAY HE CAN ONLY TALK IN CLICHES.

IT'S SO MUCH FUN. SOUNDS IT.

IT'S ALWAYS FUN TILL
SOMEONE GETS HURT.

HEY, I'M LEAVING, GUYS.

RORY, YOU GET YOURSELF
A FUNKY MONKEY.

WHAT?

EVERYONE POURED ALL THEIR ALCOHOL
INTO A BOWL. THAT'S WHAT'S IN THE CUPS.

TASTES GROSS,
BUT DOES THE TRICK.

I STASHED ONE IN
THE FRIDGE FOR YOU.

IT WAS POURED FOR ME,
BUT I'M NOT HAVING ONE.

LIPS THAT TOUCH WINE
SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE.

SO MUCH FUN!

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE.

SEE YOU, RORY. HAVE A GOOD ONE.

BYE, JANET.

JANET, WAIT! WAIT!

I HATE THAT OUR LITTLE
CLIQUE IS BREAKING UP.

IT'S SO THE END OF SOMETHING.

YOU OFF YOUR MEDS, PARIS?

YOU NEVER GET
EMOTIONAL AT GOODBYES?

WITH PEOPLE I LIKE.

SEE YOU.

KEEP IN TOUCH.

SO I MADE A COLLAGE OF
PHOTOS OF PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING

AND I'M HAVING EVERYONE SIGN.

WILL YOU TWO DO ME THE HONOR?

SURE. I'LL HONOR YOU.

ISN'T IT A GREAT KEEPSAKE?

THERE'S JANET WITH HER
BOYFRIEND, AND LANA WITH HERS.

THAT'S MARK AND STACY,
THEY'RE INSEPARABLE.

AND, OH, THERE'S
ONE OF YOU, RORY.

THAT'S ME.

AND, UM, JANET AND HER BOYFRIEND
AGAIN, AND ME WITH CHESTER.

YOU'RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE.

THAT'S GETTING
ANNOYING NOW, CHESTER.

AND THERE YOU ARE
AGAIN, RORY, WITH...

OH, THAT'S A LAMPPOST.

HERE'S A BUNCH OF COUPLES
FROM VALENTINE'S DAY.

YOU AREN'T IN THAT ONE.

AND HERE YOU ARE WITH
ALL THE CAFETERIA LADIES.

I CAN MAKE YOU A COPY OF
THAT IF YOU'D LIKE. THAT'S OK.

RORY, YOU'VE HAD QUITE
THE DRY SPELL THIS YEAR.

I HAVE NOT HAD A DRY SPELL.

THERE'S NOT ONE PICTURE
OF YOU WITH A GUY.

OH, NO, NO, THERE'S ONE, SEE?

THAT'S RORY WITH
THE STATUE OF ELI YALE.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA TALK.

I DON'T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY.

ARE PEOPLE TALKING?

NOT THAT I'VE HEARD. YOU
JUST DON'T GET OUT ENOUGH.

ALL WORK AND NO
PLAY MAKES JACK...

SAY GOODBYE BEFORE YOU LEAVE?

WILL DO.

SINCE WHEN ARE YOU
SOMEONE WHO DEFINES A GIRL

BY WHETHER OR NOT
SHE'S WITH A GUY?

YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN
FRONT OF TANNA AND CHESTER.

PLEASE. BEFORE YOU GOT HERE THEY
WERE SINGING THE LUMBERJACK SONG

AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. THEY'RE
EMBARRASSMENT-PROOF. HERE.

WHAT'S THIS? LEONARD FLEMING?

ASHER'S SON. TERRIFIC GUY,
GOOD-LOOKING, RUNS A MUTUAL FUND,

NEWLY DIVORCED, AND ON
THE HUNT. I DON'T THINK SO.

THE APPLE DOESN'T
FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.

HE IS ONE HOT APPLE,
JUICY TO THE CORE.

I GOT IT. NICE, HOT APPLE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

PLEASE DON'T FEEL
SORRY FOR ME. I'M FINE.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
HAVE A LONG, DRY SUMMER.

PLEASE STOP TALKING
ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE. FINE.

WISH ME A MERRY TRIP
TO JOLLY OLD ENGLAND.

HAVE A MERRY TRIP.

IF YOU CALL LEONARD AND
ONE OF HIS KIDS ANSWERS,

HANG UP. THEY STILL THINK
MOMMY'S COMING BACK.

OH, HEY, MISS KIM.

HELLO, LORELAI. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, DO YOU STILL HAVE
THE BIG DOOR KNOCKERS,

METAL WITH THE
CHIPPED RED PAINT?

YOU'RE A MAGICIAN. DO YOU
KNOW THAT? IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT? BIG.

AND GOOD PRICE

SEEING AS HOW IT MAY HAVE
BELONGED TO JAMES MADISON.

IT WAS COMMONLY KNOWN THAT
JAMES MADISON LIKED BIG KNOCKERS.

I BET A LOT OF THE FOUNDING
FATHERS LIKED BIG KNOCKERS.

I'M SORRY FOR LAUGHING.
I'D EXPLAIN IF I COULD.

I'VE BEEN IN THIS COUNTRY
20 YEARS. I GET THINGS.

I NEVER DOUBTED.

IT'S $90.

I'LL TAKE IT.

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS?

MAIL FOR LANE.

I KNOW YOU GO TO
LUKE'S, WHERE SHE WORKS.

IF YOU COULD PASS THIS
ON TO HER, I'D APPRECIATE IT.

MRS. KIM, HASN'T THIS
GONE ON LONG ENOUGH?

NOT FOR YOU TO SAY.

SHE'S YOUR ONLY CHILD.

I KNOW YOU MISS
HER. SHE MISSES YOU.

CALL HER. SEE HER.
DON'T AVOID HER.

THIS IS BETWEEN ME
AND MY DAUGHTER.

WELL, AS YOUR MAILMAN,
I HEREBY RESIGN.

FINE. IT COMES TO $140.

YOU SAID $90.

WRAPPING CHARGE.

AND IT'S NOT JUST GUYS. GIRLS ARE NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE MONOGAMOUS, EITHER.

WE'RE HOMO SAPIENS, NOT ROCKS.

THAT'S SO UNROMANTIC.

OH, YOU CAN SAY
THAT. YOU GOT LUCKY.

YEAH, T.J. IS YUM-YUM.

I DID GET LUCKY, DIDN'T I?

WE'RE ANIMALS, AND ANIMALS
IN THE WILD DON'T MATE FOR LIFE

EXCEPT, LIKE, TIGERS,
BUT THEY'RE RETARDED.

HEY, LIZ.

MEN ARE GOOD FOR 2 THINGS.

MAKE THAT ONE, AND THE ONE
THING THEY'RE NOT THAT GOOD AT.

EXCUSE ME, SORRY TO
BREAK UP THE FESTIVITIES,

BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA IF I'M DOIN' THIS RIGHT?

MOST GUYS DON'T KNOW
IF THEY'RE DOING IT RIGHT.

UH, NOT MY EXPERTISE, BRO, BUT
THEY SMELL GOOD, IF THAT HELPS.

THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN
INSTRUCTION BOOK OF SOME KIND.

I'M SO SORRY THIS
GOT DUMPED ON YOU,

BUT THE TURKEY-LEG GUY
KNEW THAT GOING INTO THAT BAR

VIOLATED HIS PAROLE. BUT
YOU CAN'T REASON WITH THEM.

IS THIS HOW TURKEY LEGS
ARE SUPPOSED TO LOOK?

I DON'T KNOW. TAKE OFF
YOUR PANTS AND LET US SEE.

WEREN'T YOU GUYS GOING
TO A SPA OR SOMETHING?

YEAH, WE'RE GOING,
RIGHT? IN A MINUTE.

I NEED TO GET SOME
BATTERIES. I'LL BE BACK.

JESS, JESS! COME OVER HERE
AND MEET MY OLDEST FRIENDS.

WATCH THE ONE ON
THE LEFT. THANKS.

GIRLS, THIS IS JESS.

HELLO, HANDSOME. HI.

HI.

HE'S GONNA WALK
ME DOWN THE AISLE.

IS THAT COOL OR WHAT?

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S A VERY BIG DEAL.

CAN I HELP YOU?

GOT A PACKAGE HERE.

FROM WHO? I'M NOT
EXPECTING ANYTHING.

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT PACKAGE.

BUT THERE'S NO ADDRESS ON IT.

HAVE FUN. HAVE FUN WITH WHAT?

THIS PACKAGE IS FOR LIZ DANES.

OH, THAT'S ME.

DO YOU ACCEPT DELIVERY?

I GUESS.

♪ DON'T DO IT, WHEN
YOU WANT TO GO TO IT ♪

♪ RELAX ♪

SHAKE IT, DOLL, SHAKE IT!

NO, DON'T SHAKE IT IN HERE.

LUKE, WE NEED CHANGE!

TURN THESE 20s INTO 1s!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, YOU RATS!

EARN YOUR MONEY FOR MAMA!

♪ WHEN YOU WANT TO COME ♪

♪ RELAX ♪

NAIL-POLISH REMOVER, $1.40.

LADIES' SPEED STICK, $2.60.

GOOD CHOICE ON THAT ONE.

KEEPS YOU DRY ALL
DAY AND INTO THE NIGHT.

JASMINE BODY LOTION,
NICE PRICE ON THAT.

MIGHT WANT TO GET A COUPLE.

IT'S FOR MY WIFE.

AND, WITH YOUR EMERY
BOARDS, IT COMES TO $19.67.

KEEP THE CHANGE.

I'M SO SORRY YOU HAVE
A FINAL TOMORROW.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE
FREE AS A BIRD TONIGHT.

♪ THEM'S THE BREAKS.

YOU COULD HAVE STAYED AT SCHOOL

AND STUDIED IF YOU
HAD TO, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE PLAYING DIFFERENT MUSIC.

HMM?

THE MUSIC, IT'S DIFFERENT.
SOME CHICK IS SINGING.

IT'S BLOSSOM DEARIE.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

NO, I LIKE IT FINE. YOU'VE
JUST NEVER PLAYED IT.

YOU AND DAD ALWAYS
PLAY CLASSICAL MUSIC.

WE JUST THOUGHT WE'D TRY
SOMETHING NEW TONIGHT. "WE"?

HE'S OUT OF TOWN, BUT
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WE TALKED ABOUT
CHANGING THE MUSIC.

SO WHEN WILL YOU BE DONE
WITH YOUR FINAL TOMORROW?

AROUND NOON, DEPENDING
ON HOW FAST I WRITE.

ANY FRIENDS LEFT BEHIND
TO KEEP YOU COMPANY?

GIRLFRIENDS, BOYFRIENDS?

MY ROOMMATES ARE ALL GONE, AND I'D
SAY 95% OF THE CLASS HAS VAMOOSED.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

NOT REALLY.

WHY, DO YOU?

I'M MAKIN' A JOKE.

I WAS JUST WONDERING.
WE HAVEN'T TALKED

ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE IN A WHILE.

I GET TO ASK SOMETIMES, DON'T I?

UM, SURE.

WHERE'D YOU SAY DAD WAS?

IN PHILADELPHIA.

THANKS, MOM. PHILADELPHIA, HUH?

FUNNY, YOU DIDN'T
MENTION THAT EARLIER.

YOU JUST SAID HE
WOULDN'T BE HERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, LORELAI?

FOR HIS SECRETARY TO
FAX YOU HIS SCHEDULE?

NO, I JUST WANT TO
BE KEPT INFORMED.

WELL, A LOT OF HIS SCHEDULE
THESE DAYS HAS TO DO WITH FLOYD,

A.K.A. YOUR
EX-BOYFRIEND'S FATHER.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH
DETAIL YOU WANTED TO HEAR.

I HEAR YOU. BLOSSOM
HEARS YOU. WE'RE GOOD.

SO YOU'LL BE A FREE
GIRL AROUND NOON?

AROUND THEN.

I JUST WANT TO BE THINKING
ABOUT YOU RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT

WHEN THE WEIGHT IS
LIFTING OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.

I'LL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GOING TO SEE IF KIKI PUT
THE RASPBERRY SOUFFLES IN.

DAD HATES RASPBERRIES.

NO, HE DOESN'T.

OH, SORRY, THOUGHT
HE DID. SORRY.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

I'M TRYING TO GET HER TO
FESS UP TO THE SEPARATION.

NO, ME! AM I CLOAKED IN
LONELINESS OR SOMETHING?

EVERYBODY HAS BEEN PESTERING
ME ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE THIS WEEK.

THAT WAS NOT ABOUT YOU.

IT WAS ABOUT
EVADING MY QUESTIONS.

IT'S A CLASSIC SUN TZU
ART OF WAR MANEUVER:

IF YOU'RE BEING
ATTACKED FROM THE EAST,

ATTACK WHOEVER'S TO YOUR
WEST. AND YOU WERE THE WEST.

NEVER READ IT, BUT IT'S
FULL OF CRAP LIKE THAT.

STOP ATTACKING HER SO
SHE'LL STOP ATTACKING ME.

YOU BUTTED INTO
MY LINE OF INQUIRY

WITH YOUR "HE'S IN
PHILADELPHIA" STUFF.

SHE WAS ABOUT READY TO CRACK.

NO, SHE WAS READY TO
SAY, "HE'S IN PHILADELPHIA."

DID HE SOUND LIKE HE WAS
THERE WHEN HE CALLED?

YOU MEAN, DID I HEAR GUYS SAYING,
"GET YOUR PHILLY CHEESE STEAK HERE"?

WHY AREN'T YOU SEEING ANYBODY?

I'M GONNA THROW A ROLL AT YOU.

I JUST GOTTA KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM.

THEY'RE HAVING SOME SORT
OF MARITAL DIFFICULTY, MOM,

AND PRESSURING HER LIKE
THIS IS NOT GOING TO HELP.

BUT I'M DYING HERE!

I MEAN IF HE'S OUT OF TOWN,
IS SHE ACTUALLY STAYING HERE

INSTEAD OF THAT
HOTEL SHE CHECKED INTO

OR IS SHE STAYING
HERE PERMANENTLY,

AND HE'S THE ONE
WHO'S AT A HOTEL? OR...

THANK GOD, I CHECKED, OR WE
WOULD HAVE BEEN SOUFFLE-LESS.

WELL, GOOD, GOOD.
GOTTA HAVE THAT SOUFFLE.

SO, WHERE WERE WE?

WE WERE ALL ABOUT TO
SWITCH TO NEW SUBJECTS.

OH. OK.

DAD HATES CHICKEN
KIEV, DOESN'T HE?

WELL, WHO CALLED GROTON?

I DIDN'T. ME NEITHER.

SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM
CALLED SOMEONE IN GROTON

AT 11:37 P.M. ON THE
16TH, AND IT WASN'T ME.

THAT WAS THE NIGHT YOU HAD
THOSE 2 TRAMPY GIRLS OVER, ZACH.

THEY WEREN'T TRAMPY.

I HEARD ONE OF THEM
CALL HER BOYFRIEND

AND BRAG THAT SHE HAD
SCORED SOME SUCKER BEER.

I'LL PAY FOR GROTON.

DOES THAT DOORBELL
RUN ON ELECTRICITY?

'CAUSE THAT'S
EATING UP MONEY, TOO.

WE HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE TO KNOCK.

AUNT JUN.

I'M HERE ON YOUR MOTHER'S
BEHALF. SHE WOULD LIKE TO VISIT.

HERE? A SOCIAL CALL.

WHEN?

THERE ARE 3 TIMES SHE
CAN COME THIS WEEK.

IF NONE ARE CONVENIENT,
SHE WILL OFFER 3 MORE.

IF THOSE ARE NOT GOOD,
SHE WILL RESCIND THE OFFER.

DOES THIS SOUND REASONABLE?

VERY. FINE.

SHE BRINGING A BIBLE?

SHE DIDN'T SAY.

HERE'S YOUR MAIL.

THANK YOU. WOULD
YOU LIKE TO COME IN?

NO.

♪

RORY?

GRANDMA, HI.

YOU BUSY?

NO, I WAS JUST PACKING AND
HAVING A LITTLE LEMONADE HERE.

YOU'RE DONE WITH
YOUR FINAL, RIGHT?

YES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I HAD LUNCH TODAY ON CAMPUS
WITH A FRIEND, CASSIE SULLIVAN.

SHE'S WITH THE ALUMNI COMMITTEE.

DIDN'T I MENTION IT LAST NIGHT?

NOT THAT I REMEMBER.

ANYWAY, SHE HAS A SON
WHO'S A FRESHMAN ALSO.

GRAHAM SULLIVAN.
YOU HAVEN'T MET HIM?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO? SURE.

IS NOW OK?

NOW?

GRAHAM!

GRAHAM, THIS IS
RORY. RORY, GRAHAM.

HI. HI.

GRAHAM'S FAMILY AND
OURS GO WAY BACK.

I REMEMBER THIS
YOUNG MAN IN DIAPERS.

HE'S ONE OF THE
POOR UNFORTUNATES

WHO HAD A SATURDAY FINAL, TOO.

CHEMISTRY.

PHILOSOPHY.

I MEANT TO INTRODUCE
THE TWO OF YOU AGES AGO.

I HATE THAT IT'S LAST-MINUTE
LIKE THIS. I FEEL AWFUL.

OH, THAT'S OK. DON'T FEEL BAD.

ALCOHOL, ON YOUR BREATH.

GRAHAM MENTIONED
THAT HE AND HIS GROUP

WERE GOING OUT
TONIGHT TO CELEBRATE.

WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM?

"THE SATURDAY
ORPHANS"? YES, I DID.

AND HE THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO GO.

YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO?

UM, SURE.

WONDERFUL!

I ACTUALLY TRIED TO GET
YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO GO, TOO,

BUT SHE MADE UP
SOME DUMB EXCUSE.

YOU'RE SOMETHING
ELSE, YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, I FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS.

MY ORPHAN IS AN ORPHAN NO MORE.

I'LL GO NOW. BYE, RORY.

BYE, GRANDMA.

OK, WELL, LESSON NUMBER 1:

WHEN YOUR MOM OR
YOUR GRANDMOTHER

STARTS TRYING TO PIN DOWN
YOUR SPECIFIC WHEREABOUTS

AT A SPECIFIC TIME AND PLACE,

AND SHE'S SMILING KIND OF WEIRD,

BEGIN EVASIVE
MANEUVERS IMMEDIATELY.

GOT CAUGHT IN THAT ONE MYSELF.

AND LESSON NUMBER 2:

NEVER, EVER LET ANYBODY
OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAMILY

SEE YOU IN DIAPERS.

YOU WERE YOUNG, I HOPE.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

I JUST TAPED UP 8
OF MY OWN BOXES.

I'M A BOX-TAPING
MACHINE. USE ME.

OH, THANK YOU.

SO THE PLANS FOR TONIGHT,
THEY'RE PRETTY CASUAL.

THERE'LL BE ABOUT 10 OF US.
YOU'RE TOTALLY WELCOME TO COME.

I WAS JUST GONNA GO HOME,
BUT I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE.

WE'RE GONNA GET
SOME FOOD, HANG OUT.

I'LL LEAVE YOU MY
CELL PHONE NUMBER.

YOU GOT A PIECE OF PAPER?

UM, YEAH.

GREAT.

LEONARD FLEMING.

IGNORE THAT.

MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YEAH.

ENJOY YOUR LEMONADE.

♪

WHAT IS WRONG WITH
THIS SHOE POLISH?

THE FACT THAT PONTIUS PILATE
WAS ALIVE WHEN YOU BOUGHT IT?

SHOE POLISH GOES BAD?

LOOK AT IT. IT'S ALL CHUNKY.

AH, IT MESSED UP MY SHOES.

JUST WIPE 'EM OFF.
THEY'LL BE FINE.

DON'T YOU HAVE A
FULL-LENGTH MIRROR?

DON'T NEED ONE.

YOU DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT YOUR
BOTTOM HALF? I LOVE DOING THAT.

I LOOK DOWN TO LOOK AT MY
BOTTOM HALF. I DON'T NEED A MIRROR.

YOU SEEM NERVOUS.

I'M NOT NERVOUS.

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU WOULD BE.

I'M THE ONE GETTING
SHACKLED TODAY.

LOOKS LIKE OLD POLISH. YEP.

THE QUEER EYE GUYS ARE
VERY AGAINST OLD POLISH.

HE'S VERY NERVOUS.

I'M NOT NERVOUS!

MAYBE IT'S TIME
YOU PUT A SHIRT ON.

WHY, AM I GETTIN' YOU HOT?

JEEZ, I NEED THE BATHROOM.

JUST HOLD ON.

I AM LOVING THESE
TIGHTS. THEY'RE FANTASTIC.

THEY LEND SUPPORT EVERYWHERE
YOU NEED IT, BUT THEY BREATHE.

THIS ONE.

THANKS.

HEY, LUKE, I HAD TO
BORROW YOUR DEODORANT.

I HOPE THAT'S OK.

ALLOW ME.

♪

GREETINGS, MY LORD.

YOUR LADY HATH ARRIVED
TO BE ESCORTED FORTHWITH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
SPOKE RENAISSANCE.

OH, YEAH, I'M QUITE
FLUENT IN RENAISSANCE.

YOU LOOK NICE.
I'M LOVING THE TIE.

THANKS. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

FLATTERY WILL GET YOU
EVERYWHERE, MY FRIEND.

SHALL WE? LET'S GO.

A NICE, MANLY WREATH IN
YOUR HAIR WOULDN'T WORK?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A MANLY WREATH.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. JULIUS
CAESAR PULLED IT OFF.

HE WAS VERY POPULAR
WITH THE LADIES.

CLEOPATRA USED TO PULL
HIS LEAVES OFF, VERY SEXY.

WHAT'S THIS?

SURELY THESE BE TIME
TRAVELERS FROM THE FUTURE

IN SUCH FOREIGN, MYSTICAL GARB.

AND WHO BE YOU, KIND SIR?

T.J.'S BROTHER.

I GOT A PATIO-FURNITURE
STORE DOWN IN NUTLEY.

PLASTIC, METAL, TEAK. WHATEVER
YOU NEED, I CAN HOOK YOU UP.

OK, THANK YOU.

JUST DO ME A FAVOR.

I'M GONNA TRY TO KEEP A
HAPPY, PROUD LOOK ON MY FACE

TO COVER THE SMIRKING-
AND-ABOUT-TO-LAUGH-MY-ASS-OFF FACE

JUST UNDERNEATH.
HELP ME ACHIEVE THIS.

OH, COME ON! THEY HAVE
A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE,

OF FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,

WHO TRAVEL TOGETHER, ENGAGE
IN SILLINESS, DRESS IN COSTUME.

I THINK IT'S NICE.

HI, LUCAS. OH! HI, CARRIE.

IS THAT A POWER SUIT?

IT'S MY ONLY SUIT.

LOOKS PRETTY POWERFUL TO ME.

SO, UM, BARRY STAYED HOME. WHO?

THE BALL AND CHAIN.
I'M FLYING SOLO TONIGHT.

SAVE A DANCE FOR ME?

UH, I DON'T DANCE.

YOU WILL DANCE.

HOW ABOUT WE WORK
ON HIM TOGETHER?

I THINK THERE'S A HOOFER BURIED
DEEP INSIDE THERE, DON'T YOU?

I GUESS.

CARRIE, THIS IS LORELAI.

I KNOW. HI.

HI.

SO, UM, THERE'S GONNA
BE A LITTLE DELAY.

LIZ RIPPED HER DRESS, AND IT'S
GONNA TAKE A WHILE TO FIX IT.

I'M SUPPOSED TO
SPREAD THE MESSAGE.

WELL, SPREAD IT, CARRIE.

THE MESSAGE! THE MESSAGE.

SHE MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

POOR LIZ. DOES SHE KNOW
HOW TO FIX HER DRESS?

SHE WAS NEVER ONE
FOR HOUSEHOLD SKILLS.

I'M GONNA GO SEE. SHE'S AT MISS
PATTY'S? DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

CARRIE FOUND THE
GUY WITH THE CODPIECE.

THAT WILL KEEP HER OCCUPIED.

HURRY BACK.

HEY.

OH, LORELAI, THANK HEAVENS.
I'M SO BAD WITH WARDROBE.

I RIPPED IT GETTING
UP. I'M SUCH A KLUTZ.

OH, WELL, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

PATTY, YOU HAVE A SEWING KIT?

RIGHT HERE, SWEETIE.

I'M HOLDING EVERYONE UP.

NO, NO. HEY, TODAY'S YOUR DAY.

IF ANYONE GETS TO HOLD
THINGS UP, IT'S YOU. RELAX.

AH, I'M NERVOUS. DO I LOOK
NERVOUS? I SOUND NERVOUS.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

IT'S NORMAL TO BE NERVOUS
ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

THIS IS MY FIRST WEDDING OF MINE

THAT I'VE EVER BEEN SOBER FOR.

I'M PROBABLY GONNA
REMEMBER THIS ONE.

THE ONES THAT YOU REMEMBER
ARE THE ONES THAT STICK.

WHAT WAS YOUR WEDDING
LIKE? WERE YOU THIS NERVOUS?

NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
YOU GOT A KID!

FOUND A WAY AROUND THAT.

I SEE. YOU WANNA GET MARRIED?

OH, NOW, LIZ, IT'S
INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOU

TO PROPOSE TO ME
ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.

BUT DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?
YOU MUST WANT TO GET MARRIED.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS SO, YOU
KNOW, IF I MEET THE RIGHT GUY.

I HATE BEING SINGLE.

EVER THINK, IF YOU
GOT MARRIED TODAY,

OR EVEN IN THE NEXT FEW YEARS,

YOU COULD BE
MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS.

FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE.

SAME WITH ME AND T.J.

I COULD BE MARRIED
MOST OF MY LIFE TO HIM.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD TO THINK ABOUT?

I COULD BE MARRIED
FOR MOST OF MY LIFE.

I DON'T WANT TO
SCREW UP THIS MARRIAGE

EVEN MORE THAN I WANT SOME POT.

THAT'S HOW SERIOUS I AM. HMM.

ARE YOU READY? THE
CROWD'S GETTING RESTLESS.

YOU'RE GETTING RESTLESS.

HEY, DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

OH, JESS AND I GO WAY
BACK. HE DATED MY DAUGHTER.

OH, YOU BROKE HER
DAUGHTER'S HEART?

I...

NO, NO, HE DIDN'T. IT
JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM TO
BE LIKE HIS FATHER, BREAKING HEARTS.

I WANT HIM TO BE LIKE
T.J. OR MY 2ND HUSBAND.

OR LIKE MY BOYFRIEND AFTER
MY 3RD HUSBAND, WHO DIED.

THEY WERE GOOD GUYS.

YOU'RE ALL DONE.

OH, IT'S PERFECT!

OH, SHE'S A MIRACLE WORKER.

I'M GONNA GO TELL THE OTHERS.

THANKS, HON!

AND THANK YOU. YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE A GREAT WIFE SOMEDAY

AND A GREAT SISTER-IN-LAW
TO SOME VERY LUCKY GIRL.

WELL, I HOPE SO.

NOW, GO ON, LUKE'S WAITING.

UNLESS MY FRIEND CARRIE
SUFFOCATED HIM WITH HER BOOBS.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE
FESTIVE. HERE, PATTY.

LET'S CHECK YOUR HAIR
REAL QUICK, SWEETIE.

OH, OK.

YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

♪

EVERYTHING OK?

CRISIS AVERTED.

MUST BE STARTING.

THINK THEY KNOW ANY ZEPPELIN?

OH, ROSES, NICE.

DOES SHE REMIND YOU OF SOMEONE?

CAN YOU SAY "LESLIE VAN HOUTEN"?

NOW, THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

YEAH.

THESE TIGHTS, I'M TELLING
YOU, THEY'RE THE BEST.

I'M HAPPY, MY BOYS ARE
HAPPY, AND THEY DON'T RIDE UP.

HEY, STILL DRY. THANKS, BUDDY.

YOU DRIED HIS ARMPITS?

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

I WANT ONE OF THOSE.

SHE LOOKS HAPPY.

YEAH, SHE DOES.

SHE LOOKS HOT.

SMOKIN'.

DON'T YOU SAY THAT.

WHERE'S THE MINISTER?

♪ AS KIDS WE SHARED OUR TOYS ♪

♪ WITH ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS ♪

♪ BARREL OF MONKEYS
YOUR BATTLESHIP SUNK ME ♪

♪ PLEASE RECALL THE JOY ♪

♪ WHEELO, CLUE, MOUSETRAP ♪

♪ BASH AND SPIROGRAPH ♪

♪ KALEIDOSCOPES SPINNING ♪

♪ YAHTZEE, I'M WINNING ♪

♪ THINK OF HOW WE LAUGHED ♪

♪ BUT TODAY WE SHARE OUR LOVE ♪

♪ TODAY WE SHARE OUR LOVE ♪

♪ FOR LOVE IS THE GREATEST ♪

♪ TOY AROUND ♪

♪ AROUND, AROUND ♪

HELP.

THINK OF SOMETHING NOT FUNNY.

CAN'T.

YOU MAY PLANT THE
CEREMONIAL SWORD.

AVALANCHES. EARTHQUAKES.

NOT DOING IT.

FAMINE, AND I'M OUT.

HELLO, FRIENDS.

ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

THE DAY THAT LIZ AND
T.J. SHARE THEIR LOVE

IN FRONT OF THOSE THEY LOVE.

LIZ, DO YOU WANT TO
TELL T.J. HOW YOU FEEL?

YES.

T.J.

YEAH?

MY HEART JUST POURS OUT TO YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN SO
GOOD TO ME AND FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
I'D BE WITHOUT YOU.

I'D BE WORSE OFF, I KNOW THAT.

YOU'RE SOMETHING ELSE.

NICE.

T.J.

WELL, I WROTE SOMETHING DOWN,

BUT, FOR ALL THE GOOD POINTS
ABOUT TIGHTS, AND THERE ARE A LOT,

THEY DON'T HAVE POCKETS.

SO I GOTTA GO OFF THE CUFF.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, THAT WASN'T SO FUNNY.

NAH, THAT WASN'T FUNNY AT ALL.

HI, MAMA.

HELLO, LANE. THANK
YOU FOR HAVING ME.

YOU FIND THE PLACE OK?

YES. HERE. MULTI-GRAIN
SOY PUDDING.

EXTRA CHUNKY,
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

I BET WE'LL ALL LIKE IT.

WE?

COME IN, MAMA.

MAMA, THESE ARE MY
ROOMMATES, ZACH AND BRIAN.

HELLO, MRS. KIM.

WELCOME.

THERE'S NO WAY I COULD
AFFORD A PLACE ON MY OWN,

SO WE LIVE TOGETHER.

WE SHARE ALL THE
EXPENSES, AND A BATHROOM.

THAT'S UNFORTUNATE, BUT
WE'RE STARVING ARTISTS, MAMA.

THESE ARE MY BAND MATES.

ZACH, WOULD YOU
MAKE US SOME TEA?

I'D BE DELIGHTED.

I'LL GET THE CUPS.

HOW ABOUT A TOUR?

THIS IS THE LIVING
ROOM, OBVIOUSLY.

THAT'S WHERE ZACH
AND BRIAN SLEEP.

A SOLID 8 HOURS EVERY NIGHT.

THIS IS MY ROOM.

UH, WINDOW'S BROKEN,
BUT THE LANDLORD'S ON IT.

UM, KITCHEN, REFRIGERATOR...

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK A TEA?
WE HAVE A WHOLE SELECTION.

LAPSANG OOLONG, ORANGE
PEKOE, SLEEPY TIME?

HARRY, THEY'VE GOT TURKEY LEGS!

I WAS BORN 400 YEARS TOO LATE.

I MEAN, THIS FOOD IS AMAZING.

HERE'S A COUPLE OF SEATS.

OK.

THERE WERE BOYS. WHAT? WHERE?

AT LANE'S. 2 BOYS,
ONE WITH HAIR.

OH, OK, YOU WENT TO LANE'S?

AND THE PLACE. BROKEN
FURNITURE, AND DIRT, AND BOYS

AND A BROKEN WINDOW,
AND BOYS, SLOW DOWN.

AND A TINY FRIDGE, AND GUITARS, AND
BOYS... HOW MANY BOYS WERE THERE?

2 BOYS. SHE STOOD IN
THAT ROOM WITH 2 BOYS.

I DIDN'T STAND ALONE IN A
ROOM WITH 2 BOYS UNTIL I WAS...

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

MRS. KIM, YOU KNOW WHY
THE BOYS WERE THERE.

SHE'S DIRTY. SHE'S NOT DIRTY.

SHE WAS TRYING TO BE UP
FRONT WITH YOU, AND THAT'S GOOD.

SHE COULD HAVE HID THEM
FROM YOU, AND SHE DIDN'T.

I WISH SHE DID. NO, YOU DON'T.

I'VE MET THOSE BOYS.
THEY'RE INNOCENT.

AS INNOCENT AS IF SHE
WAS LIVING WITH 2 GIRLS.

SO THINK OF THEM
THAT WAY. WHAT WAY?

THINK OF THEM AS GIRLS.

GIRLS? GIRLS.

I DON'T LIKE GIRLS, EITHER. YOU
LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BOYS.

TRUE. AND LANE
IS TRYING SO HARD.

GIRLS.

YEAH, THINK OF THEM
AS 2 TALL, GAWKY, CARING,

SOMETIMES UNWASHED GIRLS

WHO ARE WATCHING OUT
FOR YOUR DAUGHTER'S SAFETY.

GIRLS. GIRLS.

IS SHE OK?

UM, S-SHE WILL BE. SHE'LL BE OK.

OH, HEY, LOOK.
JESS MADE A FRIEND.

PEOPLE THINK PRISON'S
A WASTE OF TIME,

BUT PRISON'S THE BEST THING
EVER HAPPENED TO ME. INTERESTING.

PICKED UP SKILLS.

METAL WORKING,
LAUNDRY, THAT'S A SKILL.

DOING LAUNDRY FOR 600
GUYS, NO PIECE OF CAKE.

GREAT.

ADDED FABRIC SOFTENER
FOR CIGARETTES.

CAREER GUIDANCE?

HE'S DOING BETTER.
HE'S GONNA BE OK.

HEY, JIMMY RAY,
GLAD YOU MADE IT.

IT'S LIKE A MARKETING THING.
DON'T CALL THEM TIGHTS.

GUYS DON'T WANT TO WEAR TIGHTS.

CALL THEM AIR PANTS.
HERE'S YOUR SLOGAN,

"AIR PANTS. THE
PANTS THAT BREATHE."

I'M TELLING YOU, WE GOTTA GET
IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THIS.

THERE THEY ARE, MY 2 HEROES.
YOU SAVED THE WEDDING.

I SAVED NOTHING.

AND YOU'RE ALWAYS MY
HERO, MY BIG BROTHER.

CONGRATULATIONS, SIS.

WASN'T JESS GREAT? IT
MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

IT WASN'T LIKE IT WAS A HARD
THING TO DO, BUT HE DID IT GOOD.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

YOU SAY GOODBYE
BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

I'M JUST GOING TO GET MORE FOOD.

YOU PROMISE?

I PROMISE.

COME ON, LET'S GET SOME CHOW.

OK. BYE, GUYS. SEE YOU.

SHE'S SO HAPPY.

YEAH, AND HE
REALLY LOVES TIGHTS.

OH, YOU WANT TO
KNOW SOMETHING WEIRD?

WHAT?

WHEN I WAS AT MISS
PATTY'S, JESS WAS THERE,

AND HE HAD HIS BACKPACK, AND
IT WAS OPEN, AND I SAW THIS BOOK.

I THOUGHT I WAS SEEING THINGS.

A BOOK?

YES. IT WAS A SELF-HELP
BOOK, WITH SOME GOOFY TITLE

LIKE LEARN TO LOVE OR HOW
TO LOVE WHEN YOU'RE UNLOVED

OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT. ISN'T THAT BIZARRE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL ANSWER FOR
YOU: IT IS BIZARRE.

MAYBE HE'S JUST TRYING TO
LEARN SOMETHING, BETTER HIMSELF.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOOK?

I... I KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT THIS BOOK.

THOSE KINDS OF
BOOKS ARE IDIOTIC.

NOT IF THEY HELP PEOPLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
NOT MOCKING THIS BOOK

WHICH IS SO
PATHETICALLY MOCKABLE.

MAYBE IT'S MORE PATHETIC IF PEOPLE
DON'T TRY. AND MAYBE HE'S TRYING.

YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

NO, BUT...

HE CAN READ WHATEVER
HE WANTS TO READ.

I FORGOT TO GET SOMETHING
TO DRINK. NEED ANYTHING?

I'M FINE. OK.

NO WAY! NO WAY! DUKE IS
GONNA DOMINATE THE A.C.C. AGAIN.

NO WAY.

WILLIAMS? REDICK?

GRAHAM, REDICK HAS A
96% FREE-THROW AVERAGE.

IT'S A DONE DEAL.

CAROLINA IS COMING
BACK. NO QUESTION.

QUESTION! QUESTION!

WHAT IS THAT? YOUR
PATENTED 5-BEER COMEBACK?

7 FREE THROWS, MAN.
ALL SEASON, 7. THAT'S IT.

♪

YOU'RE NOT DRINKING.

I'M FINE.

SO YOU ONLY DRINK ALONE?

PARDON ME?

THE LEMONADE?

THAT WAS JUST A ROOMMATE THING.

I DON'T USUALLY DRINK.

OH, PITY.

YOU WANT TO GET
BACK TO YOUR GROUP?

NOT IF IT'S SUDDENLY GONNA
GET EXCITING OVER HERE.

I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT.

YOU HAVE GOT TO LIGHTEN UP.

THAT'S ONE OF MY
FAVORITE PHRASES.

THAT'S A SIGN, BOYS.

MUCKY DUCK? MUCKY DUCK!

LET'S GO.

WE JUST GOT HERE.

WHAT'S A PUB CRAWL
WITHOUT THE CRAWL?

WHO'S GOT MY KEYS?

HE'S DRIVING?

HE'S ONE OF THE BEST DRUNK
DRIVERS IN CONNECTICUT.

TOP 50, EASY.

YOU READY?

ACTUALLY, I JUST THINK
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.

WHAT?

YEAH, I'M KIND OF TIRED.

RORY!

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

WELL, DO YOU WANT
ME TO DRIVE YOU HOME?

WE CAME HERE WITH JONAH.

RIGHT. UH, WELL, YOU
NEED MONEY FOR A CAB?

I GOT MONEY.

I FEEL KIND OF BAD.

DON'T.

OK. SEE YOU LATER.

BYE.

PUTZ.

♪

EXCUSE ME, IS
THERE AN A.T.M. HERE?

A FEW BLOCKS DOWN. I
WOULDN'T WALK, THOUGH.

IT GETS DICEY AT NIGHT.

♪ SO TAKE THAT LOOK OUT
OF HERE, IT DOESN'T FIT YOU ♪

♪ BECAUSE IT'S
HAPPENED DOESN'T ♪

HI, IT'S ME.

I'M KIND OF STUCK AND I... WELL, I
DIDN'T KNOW WHO ELSE TO CALL.

OK, IT LOOKS LIKE BRIAN'S
PAYING FOR CALL WAITING

FOR THE NEXT 2 MONTHS.

IT'S NOT OVER TILL IT'S OVER.

LANE, DOOR!

I'LL THROW IN MY SHARE
OF NEXT MONTH'S GAS BILL,

I'M THAT CONFIDENT.

YOU'RE GONNA EAT
YOUR CONFIDENCE.

MAMA.

I'M BACK.

PAUSE IT! PAUSE IT!

COME IN.

THIS, WE'LL CLEAN UP.
WINDOW WILL BE FIXED.

TEMPORARY FRIDGE.
YOU TWO ARE GIRLS.

I'LL HAVE TEA NOW.

I'LL BOIL WATER.

I'LL BRING YOU OUR SELECTION.

♪

♪ HUSH, HUSH ♪

♪ TOO SHY, SHY, HUSH,
HUSH, EYE TO EYE ♪

♪ TOO SHY, SHY ♪

HOPE YE TOOK MUCH
PLEASURE IN KAJAGOOGOO.

METHINKS OINGO BOINGO WILLST
SOON MAKEST AN APPEARANCE.

BUT FIRST, PLEASE CLEAR THE
FLOOR FOR OUR HAPPY COUPLE.

♪

♪ NOW THAT I'VE WORN OUT ♪

♪ I'VE WORN OUT THE WORLD ♪

♪ I'M ON MY KNEES
IN FASCINATION ♪

♪ LOOKING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

YEAH, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU JUGGLE
SOMETIME. I'M A BIG FAN OF JUGGLING.

HE, UH, HE JUGGLES FOR MONEY.

YOU OK?

YEAH. YEAH.

WE OK?

YEAH, I, UH, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO GET SO DEFENSIVE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE FUN OF
JESS AND WHAT HE WAS READING.

MAYBE IT'S GOOD THAT HE
HAD IT, YOU KNOW. MAYBE...

HE'S TRYING.

IT'S OK.

I MEAN, THAT BOOK DOES
SOUND PRETTY DORKY.

LIZ AND T.J. WOULDST ENJOY OTHERS
TO JOIN THEM IN THEIR MODEST WRIGGLES.

OH, HEY, SO YOUR FOOD'S PROBABLY
COLD. YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME MORE?

SURE, OR WE CAN... YOU KNOW.

WE CAN... DO WHAT?

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

REALLY?

YEAH.

UH, YOU SAID BEFORE
YOU DON'T DANCE.

WELL, I'M A COMPULSIVE LIAR.

UM, OK, YEAH, LET'S DANCE.

♪ LOOKING THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪

♪ AND THE MOON'S
NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE ♪

♪ BUT I'M REFLECTING LIGHT ♪

♪ AND THE MOON'S
NEVER SEEN ME BEFORE ♪

♪ BUT I'M REFLECTING LIGHT ♪

♪

DEAN.

HEY.

UH, THANK GOD, A FRIENDLY FACE.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

OH, I FEEL SO STUPID.
I WAS ON THIS DATE.

OH, YEAH?

IT WAS A BOY THAT
GRANDMA SAW IN DIAPERS.

AND SHE BROUGHT HIM OVER

AND I TAGGED ALONG ON
THIS STUPID OUTING TONIGHT.

HE WAS IN DIAPERS?

NO, SHE KNEW HIM
WHEN HE WAS A KID.

SO IT WAS THIS WHOLE
BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE

AND THEY WERE ALL
DRINKING IN THE CAR, SMOKING,

AND I JUST THOUGHT,

"THESE ARE MAYBE THE
LAST PEOPLE ON EARTH

THAT I WOULD WANT TO
DIE IN A CAR CRASH WITH."

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU CUT IT SHORT.

POOR GRANDMA.
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.

SHE WAS JUST THINKING I WAS
LONELY, AND THAT HE WAS NICE.

SHE WAS DOING HER MATCHMAKER
THING. DID I SAY THAT I FEEL STUPID?

NO, THAT'S OK. IT'S COOL.

AND HUNGRY. I HAVEN'T
EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST.

WELL, THEN LET'S EAT.

I HAVE NO MONEY.

I'VE GOT MONEY.

EXCUSE ME, WE'D LIKE TO ORDER.

THESE ARE YOUR MENUS RIGHT HERE.

UH, DUH, SORRY.

THIS GOING ON YOUR TAB?

WHAT?

THE CARD AT THE
COUNTER? IT'S STILL OPEN.

PUT YOUR WALLET AWAY,
AND I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY.

I CAN EAT.

WE WILL START WITH THE
SAMPLE APPETIZER PLATTER...

THIS WAS FUN.

YEAH, IT WAS.

SO, HARD TO FIGURE OUT

WHICH PART OF THE
EVENING WAS MY FAVORITE.

THERE WERE A FEW.

UH, T.J. THROWING HIS
TIGHTS AT THE BACHELORS

INSTEAD OF LIZ'S GARTERS?
YOU DUCKED WELL, BY THE WAY.

PURE SELF-DEFENSE.

UMM, OH, THE CHOKING GUY BEING
HEIMLICHED BY THE COURT JESTER?

THAT WAS GOOD.

OR... OR, UM, THE MINISTER
MAKING OUT WITH CRAZY CARRIE?

T.J.'S BROTHER MAKING
OUT WITH CRAZY CARRIE?

OR THAT LAST GUY MAKING OUT
WITH CRAZY CARRIE. WHO WAS THAT?

I THINK THAT WAS HER HUSBAND.

POOR BARRY!

AND IT MIGHT BE THE DANCE.

REALLY?

HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING LESSONS?

THAT WAS ALL GOD-GIVEN TALENT.

IT WAS FUN.

YEAH, IT WAS.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

WE SHOULD DO IT AGAIN.

WHAT, YOU GOT ANOTHER
WEDDING COMING UP?

NO, I MEANT HAVE FUN. YOU
KNOW, LIKE A MOVIE OR SOMETHING.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU
WERE A MOVIE GUY.

I CAN BE A MOVIE
GUY. YOU LIKE MOVIES.

YEAH, GOOD, BAD, AND IN-BETWEEN.

HOW ABOUT NEXT WEEK? SUNDAY?

SUNDAY?

SUNDAY. YOU... YOU FREE?

UH, UH, I THINK SO.

OK, GOOD. GOOD.

GOOD.

GOOD.

I'LL SEE YOU.

BEFORE THEN, BUT
I'LL SEE YOU THEN, TOO.

YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU
BOTH OF THOSE THENS.

OH, HI.

YOU LEAVIN'?

JUST HANGING AROUND,
SEE IF I'D CATCH YOU.

GOOD, I'M GLAD YOU DID.

YOU CAN STAY A COUPLE MORE
DAYS IF YOU WANT. THERE'S NO RUSH.

GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

DID YOU SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR MOM?

YEAH, WE'RE GOOD. I GAVE HER MY
CELL PHONE NUMBER. JUST GOT IT.

LEFT IT FOR YOU ON THE FRIDGE.

GOOD.

I WANT TO PAY YOU
BACK. ALL THE MONEY...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I WANT TO.

AND I APPRECIATE IT, EVERYTHING,

THE MONEY, LIVING HERE.

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO HEAR,
BUT I KIND OF KNEW THAT.

YEAH, BUT, IN A RELATIONSHIP,
ANY RELATIONSHIP,

IT'S IMPORTANT TO LET THE OTHER
PERSON KNOW YOU APPRECIATE THEM,

SO YOU DON'T CREATE BARRIERS

THAT DELAY ANY HOPE
FOR RECIPROCATION.

I THINK I READ THAT SOMEWHERE.

YEAH?

YOU'RE HOPING FOR RECIPROCATION?

YOU GOT IT.

I'M HERE, JESS. I'M ALWAYS HERE.

THANKS.

THE TIE WORK OUT?

THE TIE WAS PERFECT.

IT'S ONLY HITTING ME NOW.

MY CLASSES ARE DONE.

DONE! I DON'T HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT CHAUCER, OR EUCLID,

OR KAFKA, OR
MACHIAVELLI FOR MONTHS.

I CAN JUST THINK
ABOUT JANE MAGAZINE

AND WHY DID UMA WEAR THAT
DRESS, FUN STUFF LIKE THAT.

YOU'LL STILL THINK ABOUT
KAFKA, AND PROBABLY CHAUCER.

PROBABLY. BUT THOSE
OTHER 2 BOZOS ARE HISTORY.

YOU HEAR ME? HISTORY!

SEE IN THERE? YEAH.

FIRST-SEMESTER POLI. SCI.

WHICH WAS YOUR SEAT?

OH, WE DIDN'T HAVE
ASSIGNED SEATS,

BUT I SAT WITH MY BACK TO THE
WINDOW SO I WOULDN'T GET DISTRACTED.

THIS CAMPUS IS HUGE.

AND YOU'RE SEEING
IT AT A WEIRD TIME

'CAUSE WE'RE PROBABLY
THE LAST 2 PEOPLE LEFT.

MAN, IT'S GOOD TO GET
OUT. IT'S GOOD TO LAUGH.

I LAUGHED TONIGHT. YOU'RE FUNNY.

I CAN BE FUNNY.

THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID.

YEAH, BUT YOU SAID
IT LIKE I NEVER AM.

YOU'RE FUNNY.

YEAH? YEAH.

THIS IS MY ROOM. I KNOW.

OH, RIGHT, YOU'VE
BEEN HERE BEFORE.

YEAH.

UM, THANKS FOR SAVING ME.

YEAH, ANYTIME.

DEAN, HOW IS IT THAT YOU CAN

BE OUT LIKE THIS

HERE, WITH ME, OR WITH
ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER?

WHERE DOES LINDSAY
THINK YOU ARE?

SHE THINKS I'M OUT.

OUT WHERE?

DOES IT MATTER?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

JESS... I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

RORY, PLEASE. RORY?

GO. GO HOME.

NO.

YES, GO. YOU SHOULD GO.

WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME
ALONE? YOU WON'T GO AWAY.

RORY. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST WANTED
TO SEE YOU, TALK TO YOU.

I JUST...

WHAT?

COME WITH ME.

WHAT?

COME WITH ME. WHERE?

I DON'T KNOW. AWAY!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

PROBABLY. DO IT. COME
WITH ME. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

IT IS. I KNOW YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

LOOK, WE'LL GO TO NEW YORK.

WE'LL WORK, WE'LL BE TOGETHER.

IT'S WHAT I WANT. IT'S
WHAT YOU WANT, TOO. NO!

I WANT TO BE WITH
YOU, BUT NOT HERE.

NOT THIS PLACE,
NOT STARS HOLLOW.

WE HAVE TO START ANEW.

THERE'S NOTHING TO START!

YOU'RE PACKED. YOUR
STUFF IS ALL IN BOXES.

IT'S PERFECT. YOU'RE
READY. AND I'M READY.

I'M READY FOR THIS. YOU
CAN COUNT ON ME NOW.

I KNOW YOU COULDN'T COUNT
ON ME BEFORE, BUT YOU CAN NOW.

YOU CAN! NO!

LOOK, YOU KNOW WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER.

I KNEW IT THE FIRST TIME
I SAW YOU 2 YEARS AGO

AND YOU KNOW IT,
TOO. I KNOW YOU DO.

NO! NO, NO, NO. NO.

DON'T SAY NO, JUST TO MAKE ME
STOP TALKING OR MAKE ME GO AWAY.

ONLY SAY NO IF YOU REALLY
DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ME.

NO!