Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 4, Episode 17 - Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin' the Twist - full transcript

THIS IS HUMILIATING.

OH, NO, WE PASSED
HUMILIATING 2 MINUTES AGO.

LUKE'S GONNA BE COMPLETELY OUT OF
DOUGHNUTS BY THE TIME WE GET THERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE WON'T
BUY 6 EXTRA-SPRINKLED ONES,

SO WE'D NEVER HAVE TO
HAVE THE CONVERSATION

WHICH WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE IF WE EVER GET THERE.

I'VE GOT SCHOOL IN 2
HOURS. I WON'T MAKE IT.

KIRK, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

YOU SURE?

YOU... YOU SEEM TO BE HAVING A
LITTLE TROUBLE FORMING WORDS THERE.

NO. FINE... ME.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE US ALL THE WAY TO LUKE'S.

YES, KIRK, LISTEN TO HER.

I OFFERED YOU THE FIRST RIDE

IN KIRK'S NEW STARS
HOLLOW PEDICAB,

AND THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.

OK.

TIME JUST WHIZZES BY

WHEN YOU'RE RIDIN' IN A PEDICAB.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, GYPSY.

GYPSY JUST OUT-STROLLED US.

WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

HOW ARE WE DOING BACK THERE?

WE'RE DOING FINE, KIRK.

I FIGURE THIS BABY'S
GONNA BE A REAL MONEY...

A REAL MONEY?
MON-MONEY WHAT, KIRK?

KIRK, CAN YOU BREATHE?

TALK TO US.

HIT THE HANDLEBARS 3 TIMES IF
YOU CAN BREATHE AND 2 IF YOU CAN'T.

HE HIT ONCE.

WHAT DOES ONCE MEAN?

THAT HE COULDN'T
MAKE IT TO TWICE?

KIRK, KIRK, STOP, PLEASE.

JUST FOR A SECOND.

THEN WE'LL BE ON OUR
WAY. LIKE THE WIND.

OK, YOU... YOU KNOW WHAT,
KIRK? THIS HAS BEEN REALLY FUN,

BUT I THINK WE'LL JUST, UH,
HOOF IT THE REST OF THE WAY.

BUT THE RIDE WASN'T OVER.

WE DON'T WANT TO HOG THE CAB.

'CAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE.

WE'LL TELL OUR FRIENDS.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE RIDE?

NOTHING. IT'S GREAT FOR
TOURISTS WHO ARE NEW TO THE TOWN

AND WANT TO MAKE SURE
THEY DON'T MISS A THING.

I WASN'T GOING THAT SLOW.

NO, YOU JUST MAYBE NEED
A LITTLE MORE TRAINING

BEFORE TOURIST SEASON KICKS IN.

YOU KNOW, TAKE A SPINNING
CLASS OR BUY SOME LEGS.

SORRY, KIRK.

YOU WILL BE SORRY.

YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU
TURNED DOWN A CHANCE

TO RIDE IN STARS
HOLLOW'S FIRST...

NOW HE'S GONNA HATE US FOREVER.

NO, HE'S NOT. HE'S
JUST GONNA HATE US

TILL SOMETHING SHINY COMES BY.

WELL, WELL, WELL,

I GUESS IT WASN'T ME THAT
WAS SLOWING THINGS DOWN.

I GUESS IT WAS
MY BIG, FAT CARGO.

HEY.

FRESHMAN 15!

KIRK!

CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY DOUGHNUTS!

STAY AWAY FROM
MY DOUGHNUT, KIRK!

I MEAN IT. IT'S MY
DOUGHNUT! FREAK!

♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

MIGHT AS WELL STICK
YOUR HEAD IN A SUGAR BOWL.

IF YOU CAN FIND ONE BIG ENOUGH.

YOU CAN'T EAT LIKE THAT
FOREVER, YOU KNOW?

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?

ALL-BRAN. ASHER
TURNED ME ON TO IT.

HE'S A ROMANTIC.

HE WANTS ME TO LIVE A LONG TIME

AND BE HEALTHY.
THAT IS ROMANTIC.

OK. JUST A JOKE.

NO REFLECTION ON
YOUR MAN-FRIEND.

SO AFTER BREAKFAST,

I'LL PICK UP THE
SIGN FOR OUR TABLE,

AND THEN I'LL MEET
YOU IN THE COURTYARD.

ANTIOXIDANTS.

I'LL MEET YOU IN THE COURTYARD.

I'M ACTUALLY REALLY
EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

IT'S OUR FIRST SOCIAL PROTEST
OF SIGNIFICANCE IN COLLEGE.

I KNOW, IT'S SO EXCITING.

WE ACTUALLY GET TO DO
SOMETHING IMPORTANT,

MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
HAVE A SAY IN THE WORLD.

WOULDN'T IT BE
AMAZING IF WE COULD

GET ONE BURMESE
POLITICAL PRISONER RELEASED

BECAUSE OF OUR PETITION?

YOU THINK SMALL.
LET'S GET 'EM ALL OUT.

EVEN THE GUILTY ONES. HELL, YES.

SERIOUSLY? BECAUSE
THAT'D BE GREAT,

REALLY GREAT.

SO I'LL PICK YOU UP AT
7:00, SATURDAY MORNING.

OK, GLENN.

THANK YOU, SERIOUSLY.

NO PROBLEM, GLENN.

THIS IS A TURNING POINT.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU HAVE THEM, WHEN
EVEN THE ANGRY VOICES IN YOUR HEAD

HAVE TO SHUT UP
FOR JUST A MINUTE?

SURE.

WHY IS HE SO HAPPY?

I COULDN'T GET AWAY
EARLIER FOR SPRING BREAK.

MY FRIENDS ARE
LEAVING WITHOUT ME.

I NEED A RIDE, GLENN HAS
A VAN, AND THERE YOU GO.

YOU'RE GOING TO FLORIDA
WITH A GUY WHO'S BUMMED

HE GOT TURNED DOWN BY
THAT GERMAN CANNIBAL?

THAT WAS JUST A RUMOR
AND, YES, I'M DESPERATE.

GLENN'S NOT THAT
BAD. YOU'LL BE FINE.

THERE'S ROOM IN THE VAN
IF YOU GUYS NEED A RIDE.

OH, NO, THANK YOU. I DON'T THINK

WE'RE GONNA DO THE
WHOLE SPRING-BREAK THING.

EVER SINCE I BROKE
UP WITH MOONDOGGIE,

SOAKIN' UP THE
RAYS ISN'T THE SAME.

IT'LL BE REALLY FUN.
YOU'RE MISSING OUT.

I'M NOT A SPRING BREAK KINDA
GAL, BUT THANK YOU FOR THE OFFER.

OK, BUT IF YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND...

GARY GILMORE'S GOT
ROOM IN THE CAR. GOT IT.

OH, JANET, IF YOU HAVE A
CHANCE, YOU SHOULD STOP BY

AND SIGN OUR PETITION FOR
POLITICAL PRISONERS IN BURMA.

I'LL TRY. I HAVE TO RUN OUT
AND GET A NEW BATHING SUIT

BEFORE MY CLASS THIS AFTERNOON.

OK.

THINK OF ALL THE TORTURED
SOULS FESTERING IN BURMA

WHILE YOU'RE AT THE SIZE-2 RACK.

I HATE THAT SHE'S THIN.

HI, LUKE.

I SAW YOU COME IN. I
WAS GONNA GET TO YOU.

SORRY.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE SERVICE,
YOU CAN GO ELSEWHERE.

WHO COULD NOT LIKE THE SERVICE?

I'M BUSY. YOU READY TO ORDER?

COFFEE FOR NOW.
IS EVERYTHING OK?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA EAT?

NO, I JUST CAME IN FOR COFFEE
AND TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WE GOT THE SAMPLE STATIONERY
AND POSTCARDS FOR THE INN.

WHAT?

THE STATIONERY AND THE POSTCARDS
YOU LEAVE IN THE GUEST'S ROOM

SO THAT THEY CAN WRITE
A LETTER HOME SAYING:

"HAVING A GREAT TIME, WISH YOU
WERE HERE," WHICH THEY DON'T

BECAUSE YOU WERE WHAT THEY
WERE TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM.

NOBODY USES THAT STUFF.

OH, SURE THEY DO.

I HAVE NEVER ONCE
STAYED IN A HOTEL

AND USED THE STATIONERY
OR WRITTEN A POSTCARD.

ARE YOU GONNA ORDER?

I DID ORDER, AND
WHAT IS WITH YOU?

NOTHIN', I'M FINE.
THE PAPER IS FINE.

THE... THE POSTCARDS ARE FINE.

WHY ARE YOU SHOWING THEM TO ME?

BECAUSE YOU'RE AN
INVESTOR IN THE INN.

I WANT TO KEEP YOU
APPRISED OF THE GOINGS-ON.

I AM NOT AN INVESTOR.
I LOANED YOU MONEY.

THAT IS WHAT INVESTORS DO.

AN INVESTOR GOES TO MEETINGS.

WE'RE HAVIN' A MEETING.

THEY'RE INVOLVED IN
BUSINESS DECISIONS.

HELLO. STATIONERY.
DECIDE. YES, NO?

I'LL GET YOUR COFFEE.

UM, DO YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT?

WHAT?

WHATEVER IT IS THAT'S PUT
YOU IN THIS CHARMING MOOD.

I'M NOT WEARING MY SOCKS.

WHAT?

I'M NOT WEARING MY SOCKS.

SO, WHAT ARE THOSE,
SOMEONE ELSE'S?

YES.

WHAT?

I'M WEARING SOMEONE
ELSE'S SOCKS.

I'M SORRY, I NEED MORE.

I SPENT THE NIGHT
AT NICOLE'S PLACE.

ALSO KNOWN AS YOUR PLACE.

GOT UP A LITTLE LATE,
GRABBED A PAIR OF SOCKS,

AND WASN'T UNTIL I WAS
HALFWAY TO WORK THAT I REALIZED

THEY WERE SOMEONE ELSE'S SOCKS.

AND YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THIS?

HEY, IF THERE'S ONE THING
IN THIS LIFE I AM SURE ABOUT,

IT'S MY SOCKS.

I BUY THE SAME BRAND IN BULK,

AND I'VE BEEN DOIN' THIS
FOR AS LONG AS I REMEMBER.

MY SOCKS ARE ALL
WHITE WITH A RED STRIPE.

THESE ARE WHITE
WITH A GOLD STRIPE

AND SOME SORT OF
FRUITY PADDING IN THE TOE.

MAYBE THEY'RE JESS' SOCKS.

THEY ARE NOT JESS' SOCKS.

MAYBE WHEN YOU WENT
TO THE LAUNDROMAT,

SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT A
PAIR OF SOCKS IN... IN THE DRYER,

AND THEN YOUR...

I DON'T GO TO A LAUNDROMAT.

OH. MAYBE THEY'RE
NICOLE'S SOCKS.

YOU KNOW, HER GYM SOCKS OR...

YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR SOCKS.

I AM NOT WEARING MY SOCKS.

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT FOR
THE BURMESE PRISONERS.

SIGN UP NOW. TAKE A STAND.

THIS BOWL OF RICE

IS ALL A BURMESE PRISONER
GETS TO EAT IN A DAY.

ONE BOWL, THAT'S IT.

NO BUTTER OR SOY SAUCE...

ENJOY YOUR MAXIM.

YOU COULDN'T READ THAT IN BURMA!

I'M FREEZING.

ME, TOO.

LOOK AT ALL THESE
HYPOCRITES PASSING BY.

EVERYONE CLAIMS TO
BE SO POLITICALLY AWARE,

BUT NOT ONE PERSON CAN
STOP BY FOR 2 SECONDS

TO SIGN A STUPID PETITION.

PEOPLE SUCK. YOU ALL SUCK!

PARIS, THE RICE!

GREAT, WE HAVE ONE PROP,
AND IT'S BLOWING AWAY.

YOU KNOCKED IT OVER.

YOU PUT IT IN FRONT OF ME.

HOW WAS I TO KNOW YOU'D JUMP
OUT OF YOUR SEAT LIKE A MANIAC?

YOU KNOW ME. YOU ROOM
WITH ME. YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

HEY, RORY, PARIS.

OH, GLENN, I'M SO
GLAD YOU STOPPED BY

BECAUSE THIS IS AN ISSUE
THAT AFFECTS EVERY PERSON

THAT HAS A HEART AND A SOUL.

A GREAT INJUSTICE IS BEING
PERPETRATED ON OUR WATCH,

AND WE'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING TO STOP IT.

AREN'T YOU GONNA
SIGN THE PETITION?

NO, I JUST NEEDED A PLACE
TO PUT MY SANDWICH DOWN.

IS THAT A RAINDROP?

YEP.

OUT OF THE WAY. MOVE! MOVE!

IS IT RAINING?

NO, IT'S NATIONAL BAPTISM
DAY. TIE YOUR TUBES, IDIOT.

WET.

COLD.

GO! GO!

I GET THE RADIATOR. NO WAY.

YOU GOT IT LAST
NIGHT. I DID NOT!

YOU TOOK UP THE
WHOLE THING WITH YOUR

"HEY, GORE, DO NOT
ENDORSE ME" SWEATSHIRT,

AND MY BLUE SWEATER
IS STILL SOAKED.

FINE, TAKE HALF.

OH, MY GOD, I'M COLD!

CAN'T STOP SHAKING.

WE'RE WIMPS. WE WOULD
LAST 2 SECONDS IN BURMA.

AT LEAST IT'S WARM IN BURMA.

YEAH. OK, WE'RE HORRIBLE.

THIS IS THE KIND OF COLD YOU
READ ABOUT IN A DICKENS NOVEL.

WE SHOULD BE IN A WORKHOUSE
OR SHILLING FOR FAGIN.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SPRING.

WHY IS IT STILL COLD?

IT'S BEEN THE COLDEST WINTER
IN THE HISTORY OF WINTER.

MY BRAIN, I THINK IT'S
FROZEN. IS THAT POSSIBLE?

AND THESE GRAY SKIES,
IT'S A BLANKET OF MISERY.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT
IS GETTING WARM.

THAT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

IT'S WARM IN FLORIDA.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

DID YOU SAY FLORIDA?

NO. YES.

SERIOUSLY?

MAYBE.

BUT IT'S SPRING BREAK.

I KNOW.

IT'S GIRLS GONE WILD,
AND BOYS DOING THE TWIST.

WE'RE NOT SPRING-BREAKY
PEOPLE, ARE WE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
WE ARE, BUT I'M SO COLD

THAT THE THOUGHT
OF SPENDING A WEEK

WITH A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN BIMBOS
AND RATTLE-HEADED FRAT BOYS

SEEMS LIKE A VERY GOOD
TRADE-OFF FOR BEING WARM.

WARM...

WARM...

MOM, WHERE'S MY BATHING SUIT?

OH. DO YOU HAVE A BATHING SUIT?

OF COURSE I HAVE A BATHING SUIT.

WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU WORE IT?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

DID IT INVOLVE A RUBBER DUCKY?

NO. I DON'T THINK.

CHECK THE BOTTOM DRAWER,
AND I WILL LOOK IN YOUR CLOSET.

SO NOW, TELL ME
AGAIN. WHO'S DRIVING?

GLENN. IT'S HIS MOM'S VAN.

AND THIS GLENN,
HE'S A GOOD DRIVER?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

KID, YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN TO LIE.

GLENN'S A VERY RESPONSIBLE
GUY. I'M SURE IT'LL BE FINE.

AND THE PLACE YOU'RE
STAYING IS SAFE?

YES.

NOW YOU'RE CATCHING
ON. AH! AHA! BATHING SUIT!

NOW WE JUST HAVE TO FIND
THE WIMPLE THAT GOES WITH IT.

GIVE ME THAT, PLEASE.

WAS I SUPPOSED TO
CLEAR THIS WITH YOU FIRST?

CLEAR WHAT WITH ME? GOING AWAY.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I DON'T
LIVE HERE ANYMORE,

SO I'M NOT SURE
WHAT THE PROTOCOL IS.

UH, WELL, I THINK AS
LONG AS I KNOW NOW,

AND I FEEL AS IF I HAVE
VETO POWER, WE'RE GOOD.

YOU HAVE VETO POWER?

NO, I FEEL AS IF I HAVE VETO
POWER. VERY DIFFERENT STATEMENT.

GOT IT.

YOU'LL CALL ME A LOT
WHILE YOU'RE THERE, RIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT WORRIED, ARE YOU?

BECAUSE I'M JUST GOING FOR THE
SUN AND TO READ, NOTHING MORE.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

IT'S JUST, IT'S ALWAYS THE GOOD
KIDS WHO'VE NEVER HAD A DRINK

THAT TAKE ONE SIP OF KAHLUA
AND FALL OUT OF A WINDOW.

SO YOU'RE SAD YOU NEVER
TAUGHT ME HOW TO DRINK?

EXACTLY.

GRAB A BOTTLE AND
SOME QUARTERS. LET'S GO.

NO FALLING OUT OF WINDOWS.

NOT EVEN A FIRST-FLOOR ONE.

AND DON'T DRINK. AFTER
YOU'RE DONE NOT DRINKING,

DRINK TONS OF WATER AND
TAKE 2 ASPIRINS BEFORE BED.

GOT IT.

AND TAKE PARIS WITH
YOU EVERYWHERE.

NOT MUCH CAN HAPPEN
WITH THAT GIRL ALONG.

GOT IT.

THEY'RE HERE.

MAYBE THEY CAN STOP BY A
BATHING-SUIT STORE ALONG THE WAY.

MY SUIT IS FINE.

NO, SURE IT IS.

IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO GO
FROM THE BEACH TO THE MOSQUE

WITHOUT HAVING TO CHANGE.

SERIOUSLY, PARIS, GET OUT!

NO. I HAVE TO DRIVE.

YOU DRIVE EXACTLY LIKE
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DRIVE.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

YOU SPEED LIKE A MANIAC. YOU ZIP
IN AND OUT OF LANES. YOU TAILGATE.

THEY WERE GOING 2 MILES AN HOUR.

IT WAS A DRIVING-SCHOOL CAR.

THEY WENT TO SCHOOL
TO LEARN A LESSON.

I WAS JUST GIVING THEM
THEIR MONEY'S WORTH.

HEY, GUYS.

LET'S GO. WE'RE ON A SCHEDULE.
GET AWAY FROM GLENN.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

GLENN, THIS IS MY MOM.

HI, I'M LORELAI.

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS ON
BEING STUDENT OF THE MONTH

AT THE GRANDVILLE MIDDLE SCHOOL.

THANKS.

YOU LOOKIN' FORWARD
TO THE BEACH?

YES, I AM.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOW UP
IN WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR.

THEY LET YOU CHANGE
WHEN YOU GET THERE.

I'M NOT COLD.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.
COULD YOU? THANKS.

SO HOW COME PARIS IS DRIVING?

ARE WE GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D
GONE THROUGH IT.

I CAN'T BE IN A CAR IF
ANYBODY ELSE IS DRIVING, OK?

IF I DIE IN A CAR CRASH, IT
WILL BE AT MY OWN HAND.

HI, PARIS. HI, LORELAI.

BYE. NO WINDOWS.

NO WINDOWS.

OH, HEY, GLENN, WOULD YOU
MIND IF RORY SITS UP FRONT?

SHE GETS CARSICK.

OH. OK.

AIRBAGS.

OK, UM, HAVE FUN. DRIVE SAFELY.

LET'S GO, AND SAY A
PRAYER FOR THE ROADKILL.

YOU'RE A LUNATIC!

HEY, I SHAVED 3 HOURS OFF
THE MAPQUEST ESTIMATE.

HOW ABOUT A THANK YOU FOR THAT?

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

I'M GUESSING PINK
SHIRTS AND WHITE SHORTS.

I THINK MY CLOTHING
CHOICE HAS BEEN VINDICATED.

SWANK ATTIRE AND
DESPERATION FOR APPROVAL.

THE CHICKS ARE GONNA EAT YOU UP.

IT IS WARM. ARE YOU
FEELING THE WARMTH?

I'M DEFINITELY STARTING TO THAW.

NAME, PLEASE.

IT'S UNDER BILLINGS.

OK. OK, WE HAVE
YOU GIRLS IN ROOM 6.

ROOM 6. OK. AND
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

JACK.

JACK. WELL, JACK, HELLO.

I'M PARIS, AND THIS IS ANDREW.

WE WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT
WE'RE GETTING YOUR VERY BEST ROOM.

ACTUALLY, ROOM 9
HAS A BETTER VIEW,

AND IT'S CLOSER
TO THE ICE MACHINE.

LET'S GO WITH 9.

NOW, WHO'S GONNA
HELP WITH OUR BAGS?

GOOD. OK, THOSE 4 BAGS.

UH, RORY, YOUR BOOK BAG?

UM, SURE.

I'M GONNA GO FOR A RUN.

NOW?

JUST A SHORT ONE
AROUND THE BLOCK.

SHE LOOKS SO NORMAL,
AND THEN THAT HAPPENS.

COME ON.

PARIS GELLER, ROOM
9. REMEMBER THAT.

SEE, A LOT OF PEOPLE
MAKE THE MISTAKE

OF TIPPING AT THE END OF A TRIP.

BUT I ALWAYS TIP
AS YOU GO ALONG.

THAT WAY, THEY NEVER KNOW
WHEN THE HONEY POT DRIES UP,

AND IT KEEPS THEM FROM GOING THROUGH
YOUR STUFF AND ROBBING YOU BLIND.

PARIS GELLER, ROOM
9. REMEMBER THAT.

OH, MAN, LOOK AT THAT.

WE'RE RIGHT ON THE OCEAN.

PARIS, LOOK AT IT.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.

I SEE IT.

OH, HEY, WE'RE IN ROOM 9.

FEEL FREE TO KEEP THE SHEETS
CLEAN AND THE TOWELS COMIN'.

OK, NOT BAD.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE SWELL?

A V.C.R. TO GO WITH
THAT TELEVISION SET.

YOU MIND? YOU'RE
ACES, PAL, REALLY.

I'M GIVING THE TOAST
AT YOUR WEDDING.

WELL, AT LEAST IT
DOESN'T SMELL BAD IN HERE.

PULL YOUR COVERS DOWN
AND ROLL ON THE BED.

WHY?

WE ARE SHARING THIS ROOM WITH
4 OTHER GIRLS. PLUS 10 "K" BARBIE.

WE HAVE TO STAKE
OUT OUR TERRITORY.

YES, AND THEN WE NEED
TO UP YOUR DOSAGE.

LOOK, A PERSON COMES IN,
THEY SEE A DENT IN THE BED,

POSSIBLY A HAIR ON THE PILLOW.

SO THE PERSON'S DAVID CARUSO?

THEY'LL FIGURE
THAT BED IS TAKEN.

THEY WILL MOVE ON TO THE
COUCH OR THE ROLLAWAY.

THAT'S INSANE.

OK, SUIT YOURSELF.

OH, AND I WAS WORRIED
I WOULD FEEL STUPID.

STUPID, BUT WELL RESTED.

UH, HOW LONG DO
WE HAVE TO DO THIS?

I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

I'M REALLY
COMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

SOUNDS LIKE MORE ARE ARRIVING.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO SEE WHAT ALL
THE RUCKUS IS ABOUT.

WAIT FOR ME. I LIKE RUCKUS.

MAN, THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
STUFFED IN THAT TINY CAR.

THEY SHOULD ALL BE
WEARING SHRINER HATS.

HEY.

HEY.

WELL, THAT WAS SUBTLE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

THE JOANIE LOVES CHACHI MOMENT.

HE SAID HEY.

I HEARD.

I SAID HEY BACK. YOU DID.

I WAS BEING POLITE.

IN BURMA, YOU'D BE
MARRIED OR BRUTALLY KILLED.

I'M GONNA GO MAKE YOUR BED.

DON'T YOU DARE.
MAN, I'M THIRSTY.

ROOT BEER?

PARIS, THAT GUY
DOESN'T WORK HERE.

NOT YET. BUT LOOK
AT THAT MUG OF HIS.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME.

I OVERSLEPT AGAIN.

I KNOW.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GET ME UP?

UH, I TRIED, AND YOU BIT ME.

I DID NOT BITE YOU.

I DID BITE YOU. COOL!

HERE, EAT THIS
BEFORE IT GETS COLD.

YOU MADE FRENCH TOAST?

I HAD A LOT OF ENERGY
AFTER MY RUN, SO...

YOU WENT RUNNING?

I HAD TO WAIT FOR
THE LAUNDRY TO DRY,

AND I'D ALREADY READ THE PAPERS.

YOU HAD AN ENTIRE
DAY BEFORE I WOKE UP.

HERE, YOU WANT BACON?

YOU SLAUGHTERED A PIG BETWEEN
THE RUNNING AND THE FRENCH TOAST?

YES, AND BY THE WAY, THAT
WHOLE OZONE-LAYER PROBLEM?

TAKEN CARE OF.

YOU'RE MY GREEN-PARTY HERO.

HERE. OH, NO. CAN'T.

I HAVE TO GET TO THE PRINTERS
AND PICK UP THE BROCHURES

BECAUSE TODAY IS MAILING DAY.

BUT, DO YOU HAVE A BAGGIE?

UH, YEAH, HERE.

PERFECT.

MMM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS IS FRENCH TOAST ON THE GO.

THE OTHER DRIVERS
ON THE ROAD LOVE IT.

COME HERE. I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

OK. WE'LL PLAN OUR WEEKEND.

UM, HEY, LORELAI,
HOLD ON A SECOND.

HERE.

KEY.

YEAH, IT'S A KEY
TO THE APARTMENT.

OH, GOOD.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO LET SOMEONE IN?

NO, IT'S JUST AN EXTRA KEY.

I THOUGHT, IF YOU WERE COMING
OVER AND I WAS RUNNING LATE

THIS WAY, YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO WAIT IN THE HALLWAY.

OK.

OR IF YOU WERE
CARRYING SOMETHING,

AND YOU COULDN'T WAIT
FOR ME TO GET TO THE DOOR,

THIS WAY, YOU'RE ALL SET.

OK, GOOD. MAKES SENSE.

YEAH, IT'S JUST A PRACTICAL
THING. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

GOOD.

OR YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT.

NO, I'LL... I'LL TAKE IT.

I MEAN, I KNOW HOW IT IS. YOU'VE
GOT YOUR KEYS ON YOUR RING JUST SO,

AND THEN YOU PUT IN A NEW ONE,

IT THROWS OFF THE WHOLE BALANCE.

WELL, IF YOU THINK...

OR YOU CAN KEEP IT. YOU SURE?

IF YOU WANT.

I CAN GO EITHER WAY.

IT'S FINE WITH ME.

WELL, WHICH WAY?

EITHER WAY.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT, OK?
THANKS FOR THE FRENCH TOAST.

UH, THANKS FOR THE HAND INJURY.

ANYTIME.

BYE.

GO!

HERE, WE'RE OVER HERE.

HOW DID WE GET A TENT?

TOBY, AGAIN. CLASSIC TIP WHORE.

WHICH ONE'S TOBY?

THE ONE WITH THE BANDAGED HAND.

HE CUT IT SETTING THIS UP. I
POPPED HIM ANOTHER SAWBUCK.

COOL TENT! HOW'D WE GET IT?

STAY IGNORANT, GLENN.

IT COMES WITH THE OPPRESSIVE
GUILT OF THE RULING CLASS.

OK. HEY, JANET,
I LIKE YOUR SUIT.

THANKS, GLENN.

HEY, HOT DOGS.

MAN, IT IS SO LOUD OUT HERE.

YOU NEVER THINK OF
THE BEACH AS BEING LOUD.

YOU DO WHEN THERE'S
A BAND OF HUNS

REENACTING TOP
GUN IN BACK OF YOU.

HEY, THROW IT BACK.

NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

PUTTIN' A TOWEL DOWN.

DON'T.

WHY? WE HAVE 100
TOWELS IN THE ROOM.

THERE'S SO MANY TOWELS,
THERE'S BASICALLY NO ROOM FOR US.

I NEED MY BALL.

YOU NEED A COUPLE OF 'EM, PAL.

HERE. IGNORE HER. SHE LIKES IT.

RORY, STOP.

I'M NOT GONNA SIT
IN THE SAND, PARIS.

OVER HERE.

GREAT, OK.

THANKS.

NOW, WE'RE GOING TO NEED A
FRUIT PLATE IN ABOUT AN HOUR

AND, UH, KEEP THE
ICED TEA COMIN'.

WHAT?

NOTHING BUT ADMIRATION HERE.

I'M GOING TO GO DO
MY LAPS IN THE OCEAN.

YOU WORK OUT ON SPRING BREAK?

EXERCISE IS A HIGH.
YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

SURE, I'LL MEET YOU OUT THERE.

ARE YOU PROPERLY SUNSCREENED?

10 MINUTES IN THE SUN CAN
CAUSE IRREPARABLE SKIN DAMAGE.

AND CONSTANT SHOULDER
TENSION CREATES A HUNCHBACK.

FINE, GO. I HEAR MELANOMA
IS VERY IN THIS YEAR.

HERE, CASPER, YOU'D
BETTER USE THIS.

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY YOU
HAVE A FRUIT PLATE COMIN'.

RORY, PARIS! OH, MY GOD!

HELLO, BABIES.

UNBELIEVABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

SPRING BREAK!

WE CAME FOR TULANE'S
SPRING BREAK AND JUST STAYED.

WE'VE BEEN HERE A MONTH.

GREAT LIFEGUARDS.

I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU GUYS.

PARIS, YOU MISSED A
SPOT. I CAN SEE SKIN.

SO, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

2:00 THIS MORNING.

I LOVE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU GUYS ARE HAVIN' A GOOD TIME?

WAY BETTER THAN
MOST OTHER PEOPLE.

WE'RE VERY COMPETITIVE.

IT TOOK A FEW WEEKS TO
GET THE RIGHT ROUTINE DOWN,

BUT NOW WE OWN THIS TOWN.

THE CHAMBER OF
COMMERCE MUST BE THRILLED.

I THINK THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH

I WOULD EVER EXPECT TO FIND
PARIS GELLER IS AT SPRING BREAK.

HEY, I'M UP FOR NEW THINGS.

THEN WE HAVE TO MAKE
SURE YOU DO THIS RIGHT.

RIGHT. THERE ARE RULES.

THERE ALWAYS ARE
IN A CIVILIZED SOCIETY.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO FIND
THE RIGHT HOT CLUB EVERY NIGHT

AND IT CHANGES.

WHAT WAS HOT LAST
NIGHT IS NOT TONIGHT.

ALSO ADJUST YOUR SLEEPING
PATTERNS FOR MAXIMUM PARTYING.

MID-TO-LATE-AFTERNOON SLEEPING
ALLOWS THE BEST ALL-NIGHT STAMINA.

OK. YOU GOT THAT, PARIS?

WERE WE REALLY
FRIENDS AT ONE POINT?

THEY DO CARD AT THE CLUBS, BUT
THERE'S A MILLION WAYS AROUND IT.

MAJOR FLIRTING.

A SEXY VOICE.

AND IF ALL THAT FAILS, MAKE OUT.

WITH WHO? EACH OTHER.

EXCUSE ME?

WE FOUND IF WE KISS EACH OTHER,
WE CAN GET ANYTHING FROM GUYS.

FREE DRINKS, FOOD.

T-SHIRTS, BOAT RIDES, FRISBEES.

EARRINGS, SEA-DO'S.

OK. WELL, THAT IS A GOOD TIP.

YEAH, MAYBE LATER I'LL
PANTS YOU FOR AN ALTOID.

WHERE ARE YOU STAYING?

THE SEA SPRITE.

THAT'S CUTE. WE'VE
MADE OUT THERE.

LOUISE, IT'S 1:00.

WE'VE GOT TO GO GET TO BED.

WE'LL COME SEE YOU TONIGHT.

HEY, GUYS.

I LIKED THE PANTS-YOU-
FOR-AN-ALTOID THING.

♪

OH, MY GOD, I'M STARVING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT A
GREAT VIDEO STORE THAT WAS.

A LITTLE RESEARCH BEFORE
A TRIP ALWAYS HELPS.

PIZZA AND THE POWER OF MYTH.

A PERFECT EVENING.

WHAT?

NOTHING. JUST CHECKING
THE MESSAGES, THAT'S ALL.

YOU'RE EXPECTING
A CALL FROM ASHER?

NO, I'M NOT EXPECTING A CALL.

HE'S AT A CONFERENCE IN DENVER,

SO I'M NOT EXPECTING A CALL.

I MEAN, HE KNOWS I'M HERE,

AND I LEFT HIM A CONTACT
NUMBER, IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES,

BUT NOT EXPECTING A CALL.

GOD, I LOVE THIS.
I'VE SEEN IT 4 TIMES.

5.

SERIOUSLY?

IT WAS ALMOST 6,

BUT MY MOM TRIED TO BE
FUNNY ONE DAY AND HID IT.

I THOUGHT YOU AND
YOUR MOM GOT ALONG?

EVEN WE HAVE OUR DARK PERIODS.

WOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE
QUITE A PARTY OUT THERE.

YEP.

I THINK SOMEONE JUST
GOT THROWN IN THE POOL.

I HOPE IT'S THE GUY
WHO TOOK MY $5

AND NEVER BOUGHT ME A ROOT BEER.

THIS IS A GOOD SONG.

OK, I'M SORRY. ARE
WE DOING THIS RIGHT?

DOING WHAT RIGHT?

SPRING BREAK.

I MEAN, WE'RE IN HERE ALONE WITH
JOSEPH CAMPBELL AND BILL MOYERS,

AND EVERYONE ELSE
IS OUT THERE WITH...

EVERYONE ELSE?

YEAH.

BUT, WE LOVE BILL MOYERS.

YES, WE DO LOVE BILL MOYERS.

BUT WE DID COME
HERE FOR SPRING BREAK,

AND I'M JUST WONDERING IF
WE'RE NOT SPRING-BREAKING

THE WAY YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO SPRING-BREAK.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

I MEAN, IF WE'RE HERE, WE
SHOULD PROBABLY COMMIT.

TRY TO EXPERIENCE
THE ENTIRE EVENT.

WITH OTHER PEOPLE,
OUTSIDE THIS ROOM.

OK.

LET'S DO IT. LET'S COMMIT.

OK. STARTING NOW?

STARTING NOW.

TOMORROW'S FINE, TOO.

ABSOLUTELY.

HISTORICAL ATLAS OF
WORLD MYTHOLOGY.

HIS EFFORT TO BRING
UNDER ONE ROOF

THE SPIRITUAL AND INTELLECTUAL
WISDOM OF A LIFETIME.

I GOT $5 ON THE BLOND
WITH THE TATTOO.

YOU ALWAYS GO FOR THE TATTOOS.

GOD, I'M STARVING.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING
BUT VENDING-MACHINE JUNK.

THERE'S NOTHING AROUND HERE.

I WOULD KILL FOR
SOMETHING NON-SYNTHETIC.

OH, PERFECT.

OK, FORGET I SAID GIANT Q-TIPS.

THEY'RE NOT HITTING EACH
OTHER WITH GIANT Q-TIPS.

NOW I CAN'T GET GIANT
Q-TIPS OUT OF MY HEAD.

IT'S TOO POWERFUL A VISUAL.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

SO HOW IS IT?

IT'S GOOD SO FAR.

YEAH, HOW GOOD?

I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK YET.

OK, ARE YOU SURE
YOU WEREN'T DRINKING,

AND THAT'S WHY YOU
THINK THEY'RE GIANT Q-TIPS?

UM, MAYBE.

HELLO? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

OH, OH!

HMM?

YOU SOUND DISTRACTED. DID
SOMETHING CUTE JUST WALK BY?

UM, NO. NO, I WAS JUST TRYING
TO THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER

TO DESCRIBE THE,
UH, THE GIANT Q-TIPS.

SO I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OK?

NO WINDOWS.

NO WINDOWS.

♪

WHAT?

EXCELLENT TASTE.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

WHOSE NAME?

THE GUY YOU WERE
JUST STARING AT.

I WASN'T STARING.

OH, NO.

THE TWINS.

GOD, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

SO?

WE CAN'T COMPETE AGAINST TWINS.

ESPECIALLY ONCE THEY CAUGHT
ON TO THE WHOLE KISSING THING.

LET'S FIND ANOTHER POOL.

WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS TONIGHT.

OK.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO GET
US SOMETHING AT THE BAR?

WHAT?

THEN YOU CAN GO
TALK TO THAT GUY.

UH, THAT'S OK.

COME ON, GO.

FLIRTING SEEMS TO
BE A VERY BIG PART

OF THIS SPRING-BREAK
RITUAL, AND I'M TAKEN.

I CAN'T FLIRT. I HAVE TO LIVE
VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU.

WELL...

THE BANANA-EATING CONTEST

IS ABOUT TO START
ON THE UPPER LEVEL.

OH, REAL FOOD. THANK GOD.

UM, PARIS.

HEY, UM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THOSE THINGS ARE CALLED

THAT THEY HIT EACH
OTHER IN THE POOL WITH?

NO, I... I DON'T.

OH, JUST WONDERING.

DID I LOSE POINTS FOR THAT?

NO, NO POINTS LOST.

HEY, SEAN, MAN, COME ON!

COMIN'. SEE YOU.

OH, OK.

SEE YOU.

WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR THINKING
A BANANA-EATING CONTEST

WAS ABOUT EATING A BANANA!

♪

♪ AN ADDRESS TO
THE GOLDEN DOOR ♪

♪ I WAS STRUMMING
ON A STONE AGAIN ♪

♪ PULLING TEETH FROM
THE PIMPS OF GORE ♪

♪ WHEN HATCHED A
TRAGIC OPERA IN MY MIND ♪

♪ AND IT TOLD OF A NEW DESIGN ♪

♪ IN WHICH EVERY
SOUL IS DUTY BOUND ♪

♪ TO UPHOLD ALL THE
STATUES OF BOREDOM ♪

♪ THEREIN LIES THE FATAL
FLAW OF THE RED AGE ♪

♪ BECAUSE IT WAS NOTHING
LIKE WE'D EVER DREAMT ♪

♪ OUR LUST FOR LIFE HAD GONE
AWAY WITH THE RENT WE HATED ♪

♪ AND BECAUSE IT MADE NO MONEY
NOBODY SAVED NO ONE'S LIFE ♪

♪ SO WE BURNED
ALL OUR UNIFORMS ♪

♪ AND LET NATURE
TAKE ITS COURSE AGAIN ♪

♪ AND THE BIG ONES JUST
EAT ALL THE LITTLE ONES ♪

♪ THAT SENT US BACK
TO THE DRAWING BOARD ♪

♪ IN OUR DARKEST HOURS ♪

♪ WE HAVE ALL ASKED FOR SOME ♪

♪ ANGEL TO COME ♪

♪ SPRINKLE HIS DUST ALL AROUND ♪

♪ BUT ALL OUR CRYING VOICES
THEY CAN'T TURN IT AROUND ♪

♪ AND YOU'VE HAD SOME
CRAZY CONVERSATIONS ♪

♪ OF YOUR OWN ♪

♪ WE'VE GOT RULES AND
MAPS AND GUNS IN OUR BACKS ♪

♪ BUT WE STILL CAN'T
JUST BEHAVE OURSELVES ♪

♪ EVEN IF TO SAVE
OUR OWN LIVES ♪

♪ SO, SAYS I ♪

♪ WE ARE A BRUTAL KIND ♪

YOU GUYS WANT SOMETHING?

MAYBE LATER.

WE'LL BE BACK.

♪ CUZ THIS IS NOTHING
LIKE WE'D EVER DREAMT ♪

♪ TELL SIR THOMAS MORE WE'VE
GOT ANOTHER FAILED ATTEMPT ♪

♪ CUZ IF IT MAKES THEM MONEY ♪

♪ THEY MIGHT JUST
GIVE YOU LIFE THIS TIME ♪

OH!

OH, MY GOD.

WOW. QUITE A SCENE.

YEAH, I GUESS WE FOUND
THE HOT PLACE TONIGHT.

YEP, NO ONE CAN SNIFF
OUT THE HIP LIKE WE CAN.

OK, SO, HERE WE ARE.

WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE COULD DANCE.

DANCE? OK, SURE.
LET'S... LET'S DANCE.

OK, LET'S DANCE.

♪ INTRODUCING
FOR THE FIRST TIME ♪

THIS IS FUN.

YEP.

HEY, I THINK YOUR
HUSBAND'S HERE.

WHAT? WHERE?

♪ WHAT'LL BE REVEALED TODAY ♪

WHY DON'T YOU GO
BUY HIM A DRINK?

WHAT, LIKE A NICE GINGER ALE?

MAYBE YOU COULD GET MADELINE
AND LOUISE TO BUY A DRINK FOR YOU,

AND THEN YOU COULD
GO BRING IT TO HIM.

♪ AWAKENED TO CHEERS
AFTER YEARS ON THE FAULTLINE ♪

♪ WE ARE SHOCKED TO BE HERE ♪

WELL, THAT WAS THE
SHORTEST RELATIONSHIP EVER.

WHAT?

HE LOOKED, HE SAW,
HE CHANGED HIS MIND.

SORRY.

♪ ALL YOUR METHODS
HAVE TAUGHT ME IS ♪

♪ TO SEPARATE MY
LOVE FROM BONE ♪

♪ IT WILL ALL FAIL ♪

♪ FEELING WHAT I FEEL TODAY ♪

OK, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

WHAT?

WHY IS EVERY SINGLE
PERSON IN THIS PLACE

HAVING A BETTER
TIME THAN WE ARE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
THAT THEY ARE.

LOOK AROUND.

EVERY SINGLE
PERSON IN THIS PLACE

IS HAVING A BETTER
TIME THAN WE ARE.

WHY? I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN DOING
EVERYTHING EVERYBODY ELSE IS.

WE'RE HERE IN THE HOT PLACE.

SO WE'RE NOT GREAT DANCERS.

WE DID THE HANGING-OUT-
AT-THE-POOL PART PRETTY WELL.

WE'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS IS NOT A TEST.

WE CAME HERE TO DO SPRING BREAK,

AND WE ARE GOING
TO DO SPRING BREAK.

WELL, WHAT ELSE DO
YOU SUGGEST WE DO?

OH, MAN!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY?

WELL, MADELINE AND LOUISE DO IT.

MADELINE AND LOUISE WEAR THEIR
UNDERWEAR OUTSIDE OF THEIR CLOTHES.

I DON'T WANT TO DO WHAT
MADELINE AND LOUISE DO.

I JUST THOUGHT...

JUST STOP THINKING, OK? YOUR
THINKING IS VERY, VERY DANGEROUS.

RORY.

GET AWAY FROM ME.
YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.

WILL YOU JUST WAIT? WHAT?

HOW WAS I? WHAT?

AS A KISSER?

OH, MAN!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
KNOW AND YOU CAN'T ASK A GUY.

THAT SHOWS LOW SELF ESTEEM,

WHICH I'VE READ
IS REALLY NOT SEXY.

SO TELL ME. HOW AM I? TOO STIFF?

DO I NEED TO RELAX
MY LIPS A LITTLE,

MAYBE OPEN MY MOUTH
MORE, MAKE IT MORE INVITING?

I NEED SOME FRESH AIR.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UM, OUTSIDE.

CAN I COME WITH YOU? OH, WELL...

MAYBE YOUR GIRLFRIEND
WANTS TO COME, TOO.

MY GIRLFRIEND?

I GOTTA TELL YOU,
THAT WAS SOME KISS.

OH, MY GOD!

THE MOVIE WAS GOOD.

NICE TO SEE MICHAEL
CAINE WORKING AGAIN.

WHICH WAS SARCASTIC

BECAUSE HE WORKS A LOT

CONSTANTLY.

NEVER SAYS NO TO ANYTHING,
WHICH CAN BE RISKY, YOU KNOW?

LOWERS YOUR BATTING AVERAGE.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT.

JASON, YOU'RE...

YOU'RE MAKING ME
WORK TOO HARD TONIGHT.

I KNOW.

I MEAN, I WORE THE
CUTE BOOTS, YOU KNOW?

DO YOU SEE THE CUTE BOOTS?

VERY CUTE BOOTS.

I HAD A FULL NIGHT, WHAT
WITH THE WALKING STRAIGHT,

THE BALANCING, AND THE
NOT YELPING OUT IN PAIN.

IF I'D KNOWN I'D ALSO HAVE
TO DO ALL THE TALKING, I'D...

I THINK I DID IT WRONG.

YOU DID WHAT WRONG?

THE KEY THAT I GAVE YOU.

THE KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT?

THE KEY WAS SUPPOSED
TO SAY SOMETHING.

SO IT'S A TALKING KEY.

LOOK, YOU AND I ARE HITTING
THAT POINT IN A RELATIONSHIP

WHERE I USUALLY BREAK IT OFF.

OH, WELL, GEE,
SHOULD WE GET A CAKE?

EVERY SINGLE TIME, WITH EVERY
OTHER WOMAN I'VE BEEN INVOLVED WITH,

THIS IS ABOUT THE
TIME THAT I WOULD...

BOLT?

I WAS GONNA SAY RUN, BUT BOLT
SOUNDS MUCH MORE MASCULINE,

SO YEAH, SURE, BOLT.

WELL, IT'S TIME TO BOLT.

OK, GOOD THING YOU'RE
NOT WEARING MY BOOTS.

I DON'T THINK I'M DOING
THIS RIGHT, EITHER.

NO, NO, YOU'RE
DOING IT JUST FINE.

IT'S COLD, SO...

THE OTHER NIGHT, I WOKE UP,

AND THE TIMER
WENT OFF IN MY HEAD:

"HEY, BUDDY, IT'S
ABOUT THAT TIME."

SO I DID WHAT I ALWAYS DO.

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU,
I THOUGHT ABOUT US,

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT ALL
THE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME,

AND I CAME UP

WITH NOTHING.

NOTHING?

I WENT OVER IT AND
OVER IT IN MY HEAD.

THAT FEELING, THAT
I-WANT-OUT FEELING,

IT WASN'T THERE.

WHAT WAS THERE WAS
THE VERY STRONG SENSE

THAT IF I DID BOLT,

I MIGHT AS WELL GO OUT
AND FIND A POINTY HAT,

A STOOL, AND A CLASSROOM
FULL OF 6TH GRADERS,

BECAUSE I'D BE AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT

TO SCREW THIS UP.

SO I WENT OUT AND MADE THE KEY.

THE TALKING KEY.

AND I WAS HOPING
THAT THE KEY WOULD SAY

THAT THIS IS DIFFERENT,

AND THAT I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE
A LOT MORE THAN YOU ARE NOW.

WOW.

WELL...

I MEAN, IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN MORE INTERESTING

TO HEAR THAT FROM THE KEY,

IT'S DEFINITELY MORE
ROMANTIC HEARING IT FROM YOU.

I'M GONNA GO TAKE CARE
OF MR. CAINE FOR YOU NOW.

I WOULD APPRECIATE THAT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, JASON.

HEY, UH, IT'S LUKE.

I'M SORRY TO BE
CALLING YOU LIKE THIS,

BUT I WAS WONDERING IF,
WHEN YOU GET THIS MESSAGE

IF YOU COULD COME PICK
ME UP BECAUSE I NEED A RIDE.

I'M IN LITCHFIELD, THE
CORNER OF MASON AND PINE.

IT'S A BIG, WHITE BUILDING.

YOU'LL RECOGNIZE IT BY
THE POLICE SIGN OUTSIDE

BECAUSE, OH, HELL, I'M IN JAIL.

OK, THERE. I SAID
IT. LONG STORY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU GET
HERE. THANKS, IF YOU COME.

OH, ONE MORE THING.

I NEED TO BORROW
A LITTLE MONEY, $300.

IT'S JUST A LOAN,

AND, OH, HELL, IT'S FOR MY BAIL.

I'M GETTING OFF NOW! RELAX!

I THINK THE TWO OF YOU
WOULD MAKE A GREAT COUPLE.

NO WAY.

WHY NOT?

YOU'RE WAY TOO HIGH
MAINTENANCE FOR ME.

THE WHOLE PLACE WAS
BUZZING ABOUT THE KISS.

EVEN THE TWINS WERE JEALOUS.

SUPER, GREAT. LOVE TO HEAR THAT.

WHO NEEDS MORE?

EVERYBODY? GOOD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

SO, PARIS, HOW'S
THE PRINCETON MAN?

JAIME AND I BROKE UP.

PARIS HAS A DIFFERENT MAN NOW.

YOU DO?

I'M DATING A PROFESSOR.

TENURED? AGES AGO.

WELL, ANNA NICOLE, LOOK AT YOU.

HE'S BRILLIANT, A WRITER,
VERY DISTINGUISHED, HANDSOME.

DON'T YOU THINK HE'S HANDSOME?

HANDSOME. SURE, VERY HANDSOME.

HE'S A REAL MAN.
HE'S JUST SO AMAZING.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
WE'RE TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.

I MADE THEM A LITTLE
STRONGER THIS TIME.

OH, COOL, IT'LL BE FUN TO
WATCH THE CUPS DISSOLVE.

PARIS BAGGED
HERSELF AN OLDER MAN.

OH, I LOVE OLDER MEN.

THEY TAKE YOU TO
THE BEST RESTAURANTS.

HE WENT TO A CONFERENCE
IN DENVER THIS WEEK.

HE WAS SO NICE, YOU KNOW.

REALLY EXCITED ABOUT
ME COMING TO FLORIDA.

HE THINKS IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO
HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE MY OWN AGE.

I KIND OF HOPED THAT
HE WOULD INVITE ME

TO GO TO DENVER WITH HIM,
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE DIDN'T.

HE HAD TO WORK, PARIS.

I KNOW, OR HE'S SICK OF ME.

NO.

MAYBE HE'S GOING TO DUMP ME.

MMM? DOES HE STILL
BUY YOU JEWELRY?

HE'S NEVER BOUGHT ME JEWELRY.

HE HASN'T? HOW MUCH
MONEY DOES HE HAVE?

ASHER ISN'T RICH.

NOT RICH?

OH, CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER.

YOU'RE JUST BEING PARANOID.
HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE FUN.

SOMEONE WHO WANTS
YOU TO HAVE FUN

IS SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU,

BOTH OF YOU,

BECAUSE THERE ARE 2 OF
YOU, AND THEY'RE SPINNING.

HIDDEN PUNCH.

JUST KEEP ME AWAY FROM
ANY WINDOWS, PLEASE.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THAT BOYFRIEND OF YOURS?

WHO, JESS?

NO.

OH, DEAN.

DEAN, THAT'S IT.

HOW'S DEAN? GOD,
HE WAS GORGEOUS.

HE'S FINE.

IS HE STILL GORGEOUS?

OH, YES. DEFINITELY, YES.

YOU TWO AREN'T TOGETHER?

NO, ACTUALLY HE'S MARRIED.

WHAT?

WHY?

WELL, HE MET LINDSAY,
AND THEY GOT MARRIED.

SHE'S PRETTY,
BLOND, TALL, LEGGY.

OH, GOOD, JUST WHAT THE WORLD
NEEDS. ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

SHE'S NICE, TOO.

PREDICTION.

SHE'S PSYCHIC. SINCE WHEN?

SINCE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO.
I THINK IT'S NOT GONNA LAST.

2 MARRIED 19-YEAR-OLDS
WON'T MAKE IT.

BOY, THAT'S A RISKY BET.

I THINK IT WON'T LAST BECAUSE
HE WAS WAY TOO IN LOVE WITH YOU.

NO. BUT WE'VE BEEN
BROKEN UP FOR A LONG TIME.

YEAH, BUT HE ONLY HAD
EYES FOR YOU, GIRLFRIEND.

AND DEEP, LONG,
SOULFUL RORY-EYES.

NO, NOT ANYMORE.

YOU DON'T TALK AT ALL ANYMORE?

NO, WE STILL TALK.
WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.

YES, YOU ARE.
CELL-PHONE FRIENDS.

YOU HAVE YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND'S
NUMBER IN YOUR CELL PHONE?

I TOLD YOU WE WERE FRIENDS.

FIRST LOVES ARE VERY INTENSE.

MY MOM'S STILL IN LOVE
WITH HER FIRST LOVE.

SHE TELLS MY FATHER
THAT OVER AND OVER AND...

OOPS, I THINK I JUST
DIALED HIS NUMBER.

MADELINE, NO!

OH, MY GOD, IT'S RINGING!

HANG UP!

IT'S HIS VOICE MAIL.
OH, SEXY VOICE.

HANG UP.

OOPS, I THINK IT'S
GONNA... IT BEEPED.

TALK.

DEAN, HI.

IT'S RORY.

I'M SORRY TO CALL YOU LIKE
THIS, BUT WE'RE ON SPRING BREAK,

AND, UH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
REMEMBER MADELINE AND LOUISE,

BUT THEY'RE EVIL,

AND, UH, WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU. UM...

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GONNA HANG UP NOW, SO BYE.

SORRY, BYE.

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

OH, MY GOD, I'M
SO GONNA KILL YOU!

IT'S GOING TO BE BAD
AND DEATHLIKE, AND...

I'M GONNA GO FOR A WALK

BECAUSE THIS PUNCH IS
STARTING TO LIVE UP TO ITS NAME.

I'LL GO WITH YOU.

DON'T MOVE, BECAUSE I'M
GOING TO COME BACK TO KILL YOU.

WE'LL BE HERE.

THERE. MY TRUCK.

YOU KNOW, LUKE, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED,

UNLESS YOU WANT TO.

BUT I... I PROMISE

I WON'T ASK YOU ABOUT IT AGAIN,

EVER, IN THIS
LIFETIME OR THE NEXT.

YOU KNOW, I'LL JUST
TELL SHIRLEY MACLAINE:

"HEY, LOOK, BACK OFF, SHIRL.

"IF LUKE HAD WANTED ME TO KNOW,

"HE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME
BACK IN MY OTHER LIFETIME,

AND I CERTAINLY DON'T EXPECT..."

I WANTED TO SEE WHO
OWNED THE SOCKS.

AND DID YOU?

I THINK SO.

I JUST HAD A FEELIN' TONIGHT.

NICOLE WAS KIND OF
VAGUE ON HER PLANS,

SO I TOLD HER I'D
STAY AT THE DINER,

AND THEN I DROVE UP HERE,
AND I PARKED, AND I WAITED.

AND THEN THIS CAR PULLED
UP, AND SHE GOT OUT WITH HIM.

AND, UH, THEY WENT INSIDE

AND I WATCHED THEM GO.

AND YOU'RE SURE HE'S
THE OWNER OF THE SOCKS?

WELL, I DIDN'T ASK HIM, BUT
HE'S THE OWNER OF THE SOCKS.

AND IF HE ISN'T, THE PICTURE'S
STILL NOT LOOKIN' VERY GOOD.

I AGREE WITH YOU THERE.

ANYWAY, I SAT HERE AND
WATCHED 'EM GO INSIDE.

THEN ALL THESE THOUGHTS

WERE ROLLIN' AROUND IN MY HEAD.

I MEAN, HOW COULD
SHE DO THIS, YOU KNOW?

IN THERE. IN OUR
HOUSE. I MEAN, I...

I PUT BOOKSHELVES UP IN THERE.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

I DON'T THINK HE'S USING
YOUR BOOKSHELVES.

I SUDDENLY JUST GOT SO
MAD, YOU KNOW, I LOST IT.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHIN',

SO I GOT OUT AND MARCHED UP
TO HIS CAR, AND... AND I KICKED IT.

YOU KICKED HIS CAR?

HEY, I KICKED IT HARD AND
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

OH, YOU BEAT UP HIS CAR.

THEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
THESE COPS PULL UP,

BECAUSE SOME BUSYBODY
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

SAW SOME LUNATIC
ATTACKING A CAR AND...

WELL, YOU KNOW THE REST.

DID NICOLE SEE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE AND THE SOCK MAN SAW.

IT'S JUST...

GOD, I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT.

I MEAN, SUDDENLY I BECAME
LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS

THAT GETS JEALOUS

AND, YOU KNOW,
DOES CRAZY THINGS.

YEAH, YOU WEREN'T
LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

YOU WERE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

YEAH, WELL.

WAS THERE ANY DAMAGE?

NO.

LUKE?

HEY, LUKE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

SEE? NOTHIN'. NOT A SCRATCH.

THOSE STUPID
DENT-RESISTANT PANELS.

THIS IS THE CAR?

YES, THIS IS THE CAR.

HE SAT THERE. SHE SAT THERE.

THEY GOT OUT THERE,
WALKED UP THERE,

I JUMPED OUT THERE, RAN UP HERE,

WAS HANDCUFFED THERE,
WAS DRIVEN OFF THERE,

I WENT TO JAIL,

AND YOU DROVE ALL THE
WAY UP HERE TO GET ME

AND THEY ARE STILL IN THERE!

OH, LUKE.

I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE
STILL IN THERE. WHAT ARE THEY DOIN'?

LUKE, COME ON.

I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOIN'. BUT
EVEN IF YOU TOOK ONE OF THOSE PILLS

THAT THEY WERE HAWKIN' AT
THE SUPER BOWL, YOU KNOW,

THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN
DONE IN 4 OR 5 HOURS TOPS.

I MEAN, THAT
COMMERCIAL SAID IT ALL:

IF YOU'RE STILL
ACTIVE AFTER 4 HOURS,

YOU SHOULD CALL THE DAMN DOCTOR.

COME ON, WHY DON'T WE...

WHAT... WHAT ARE THEY, TALKIN'?

MAKIN' PLANS IN MY HOUSE?

DAMN SON OF A...

LUKE.

YOU LYING PIECE OF
SOCKLESS GARBAGE!

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
HOME MY SOCKS, TOO?

HEY, HEY, LUKE, LUKE, YOU WERE
BUSTED ALREADY ONCE TONIGHT. THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH.

PRETTY SOON, THAT CAR'S
GONNA START FIGHTING BACK.

I'M FINE. REALLY. I'M FINE.

YOU KNOW, LUKE, I... I KNOW
I'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN

MISS THIS-IS-GREAT
AB-ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP,

BUT I...

I AM SO, SO SORRY.

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.

YOU REALLY DON'T DESERVE THIS.

YEAH.

I GUESS THAT'S IT.

YEAH. YEAH.

WELL, AT LEAST I FINALLY
GOT TO SEE YOUR HOUSE.

OOH, FRESH AIR IS GOOD.
FRESH AIR IS HEALTHY.

I'M FEELING BETTER.

GOTTA SIT.

ME, TOO.

WHAT WAS IN THE
PUNCH? DID WE ASK?

NO.

SHOULD WE HAVE ASKED?

THAT'S NOT WHAT
THE COOL KIDS DO.

I'M LOVING THE SPINNING BEACH.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

OH, YEAH.

SO ARE WE DONE?

WITH WHAT?

SPRING BREAK. ARE WE DONE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, LET'S GO DOWN THE LIST.

OK, WE... WE CAME.

CHECK.

WE DANCED.

CHECK.

WE DRANK.

CHECK.

WE THREW UP.

WE DIDN'T THROW UP.

GIVE US 10 MORE MINUTES.

RIGHT.

BASICALLY, WE'RE... WE'RE DONE.

I... I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE
OFFICIALLY PARTICIPATED.

WE'VE EXPERIENCED
THE ENTIRE SOCIAL RITUAL.

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE
TO EVER FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN.

LET'S GO HOME.

HOW? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
STAY THE REST OF THE WEEKEND.

FREQUENT FLYER MILES, BABY.

COOL PEANUTS. I'M IN.

GREAT. I'LL CALL AS
SOON AS I CAN GET UP.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD!

GLENN!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

THE LAST TIME WE SAW YOU,
YOU WENT TO GET A HOT DOG.

HOT DOG?

HOT DOG.

HOT DOG.

YOU GOTTA ADMIT, IT'S
BEEN A PRETTY GOOD TRIP.

SO I CALL THIS PLACE WHERE
YOU WERE SUPPOSEDLY STAYING,

AND SOME PUNK AT
THE DESK TELLS ME...

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

"I'M SORRY, MA'AM, SHE'S
NOT HERE ANYMORE."

MY... MY... MY HEART
FLEW OUT OF MY CHEST,

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE HE
CALLED ME "MA'AM," WHICH I HATE.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO FREAK YOU OUT.

YOU DON'T TAKE OFF
WITHOUT TELLING MOMMY.

I LOVE THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO
ASK YOU TO GO ON SPRING BREAK,

BUT I HAD TO ASK
YOU TO COME HOME.

I HAD VISIONS OF YOU BEING
SWALLOWED BY A WHALE

OR TAKING OFF WITH SOME SURFERS
TO GO CHASE THE PERFECT WAVE

AND NOT INVITING ME.

IT JUST GOT TO BE
WAY TOO MUCH FUN.

YEAH? HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH?

I HAD A DRINK.

AND?

PARIS AND I TOOK
TURNS THROWIN' UP.

THAT'S THE WAY YOU GIRLS WILL
FIND YOURSELVES A HUSBAND.

IT WAS FINE.

ASPIRIN, TONS OF
WATER, MAC AND CHEESE...

AH, MY BABY'S DISCOVERED
HER FIRST HANGOVER FOOD.

I WISH I HAD A PICTURE TO PUT
NEXT TO YOUR CLAY HANDPRINTS.

I THINK I STILL HAVE THE BOX.

SEND IT TO ME. SO HOW WAS IT?

IT WAS INTERESTING, YOU KNOW? WE
SAT ON THE BEACH, WENT TO A CLUB,

WE WATCHED THE POWER
OF MYTH, PARIS AND I KISSED...

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! YOU
WATCHED THE POWER OF MYTH?

HOLD ON A SEC.

I... I HID THAT FROM YOU.

HELLO?

HEY, RORY, UH, IT'S ME.

HI. UM, DEAN, HOLD ON A SEC.

MOM, I HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

YOU DID NOT SPEND SPRING
BREAK WITH BILL MOYERS.

BYE.

HI.

SO, UH, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE
HAVIN' A PRETTY GOOD TIME OUT THERE.

AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I... I EVEN WROTE A COUPLE
DOWN. ARE YOU READY?