Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 3, Episode 2 - Haunted Leg - full transcript
Christopher tries to talk to the Gilmore girls, but Emily saves the day. Francie tries to assert her power on the student council. Meanwhile Rory and Jess have it out about their hurt feelings and are Lorelai and Kirk dating?
Well, this is nice, isn?t it?
- So, Grandma, Grandpa is traveling again, huh?
- Yes, he is.
- Business must be good.
- Seems to be.
- That?s great. Isn?t that great, Mom?
- A jig is forthcoming.
Mom?s business is great, too.
I mean, not that it?s without its problem,
you know, but they?re usually funny problems...
like... oh! Mom, why don?t you
tell Grandma about the mouse?
- What mouse?
- Mom?
- There?s a mouse at the inn.
- Is the place dirty?
No, it?s just surrounded by this
thing called nature and... mice happen.
- Mice carry diseases, you know.
- It?s a tiny little field mouse, Mom.
- I don?t care how big it is, it?s still a rodent.
- Let?s just change the subject, shall we?
- You should set a trap.
- Got it covered.
- Just make sure you don?t use poison.
- Got it covered.
They will eat the poison and then go into the walls
and die, decompose, and the entire place will smell.
I?ve got it covered, but thanks.
I just have to say, I don?t know why you?re
the one sitting here with an attitude.
- I?m the one who should be mad.
- Let?s not do this, okay Mom?
After all, you?re the one who just walked
out of here last week without saying a word.
- Because I couldn?t get a word in.
- Your father and I were shocked and upset.
- So what else is new?
- You didn?t give us five minutes to digest the news.
- Please, find the off switch.
- You simply dumped it on us and walked out.
- I hardly think that?s fair.
- Mom, it doesn?t matter.
It?s over. Let?s just move on, okay?
We came here to have a nice evening,
so... come on, let?s have it.
Something smells good.
- Braised lamb shank.
- Oh, braised lamb shank!
- I love a lamb shank when it is braised.
- Oh my God.
Reading in front of other people
is extremely rude, Lorelai.
- Shauna Christy shot her husband.
- What?
Shauna Christy, you
remember Shauna Christy.
Yes, I remember Shauna
Christy, she was a lovely girl.
Well, apparently this lovely girl came home to find her
husband giving the nanny a nice little bonus package.
- And they say good help is hard to find.
- That?s just gossip.
Gossip? The man was
shot thirty-five times.
He looks like a sprinkler system.
I can?t believe this.
Shauna was always such a nice girl.
- She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.
- And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.
- This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.
- Okay, fine.
- This is a tragedy.
- My bad, sorry.
- A man is dead, a young woman ruined.
- Consider the subject dropped.
At least she had a husband to kill.
This is nice, isn?t it?
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
- I hate having a cold.
- I know you do.
It?s bad enough being sick,
but anybody can have a cold.
I know they can.
I mean, I?d like to have a good
illness, something different, impressive.
Just once I?d like to be able to say, "Yeah,
I?m not feeling so good, my leg is haunted. "
See, there?s a reason why you only
take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, pancakes, one
fried egg, side of bacon.
Chicken noodle soup,
side of mashed potatoes.
- Thanks, Luke.
- Thanks.
- How?s the cold coming?
- It?s fine.
- Any better?
- It?s fine.
It?s the third day in a row
you?ve ordered soup for breakfast.
- Oh, thanks for the tally.
- You know what helps get rid of a cold?
Endless vague questioning
first thing in the morning?
- A healthy immune system.
- My second guess.
And you know how you get
a healthy immune system?
Remember when you hated
me? That was fun, wasn?t it?
Is it eating nothing but crap all day and
blowing out your brain cells with coffee?
- No.
- That?s right, no.
- Why are you helping him?
- No seemed like the right answer.
Eat a vegetable now and then, maybe
some high fiber cereal in the morning.
Listen, Grandpa, my soup?s getting cold.
At least eat the carrots in the
soup this time, not just the noodles.
I promise.
Eat my carrots.
Apparently, maturity is extremely
overrated in your universe.
That?s right. The Empress
Bobo Belle forbids it. Eat.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So?
- One sec.
- Jess.
- Relax. I?m out.
- Let?s go.
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, an entire
conversation in ten words or less.
A true meeting of the minds.
Okay, so please don?t hate me,
but I already ate breakfast.
- See, nice full sentences.
- What?
Don?t ruin it.
- You?re sure?
- Positive.
- It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace.
- I don?t see it.
Well, it must?ve found
a hole to crawl into.
We cannot have this mouse running
around the inn. Customers will freak.
Well, tell them it?s a baby. People love
babies. They?ll talk to it in funny voices.
- Did you call an exterminator?
- Why, no, what a wonderful idea.
I was actually going to fasten a
large wedge of cheese to my head
and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry
and decides to crawl out and snack on my face.
- When does he get here?
- He said we were the first stop.
- What do we do until them?
- Make cat sounds?
- Excuse me, Lorelai?
- Oh, hey Kirk. Hold on a sec.
- Just stand here and make sure it doesn?t come out.
- Oh, goody, a promotion.
- Hi Kirk. What can I do for ya?
- I have a delivery for Sookie.
- Oh, well, anything good?
- No, just some wedding photos.
Great. Well, she stepped out for
a minute, but I?ll take ?em to her.
I swear, I?ll give ?em to her.
If you want, I?ll leave and find
her and then I?ll give them to her.
- No, that won?t be necessary.
- Okay, well...
- Lorelai, can I speak to you for a moment?
- Oh, sure.
- Could we sit?
- Sit... sure, let?s sit.
- Is everything okay?
- Okay?
- Yes.
- With me?
Well, my mother has
developed a condition...
makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all
morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit,
but other than that and the dyspeptic
parrot problem, everything is fine.
Well, good, I?m glad.
- Okay, well, I?m gonna...
- I was just wondering...
Yes... wondering what?
We?ve known each other for
a good amount of time now.
Our... paths have crossed professionally and socially
a number of times, all with relatively pleasant results,
and well, I was just wondering if
you would like to have dinner with me?
- Oh.
- In two weeks.
- Two weeks?
- I heard you have a cold.
I think two weeks is enough time to
ensure the virus is out of your system.
- Well, Kirk, I...
- You don?t have to answer me right away.
I know that this is completely
out of the blue for you.
Take a few days and think about it.
Kirk, wait.
By the way, I think you might be
the prettiest girl I?ve ever seen...
- outside of a really filthy magazine.
- Thank you.
- Don?t.
- I am doing nothing.
Ben, however, has dropped
dead from laughter.
- How long have you been sitting there?
- Not long. An hour... and a half.
- Why?
- Because.
?Cause why?
Because today is the last first day
of high school you?re ever gonna have.
- You?re insane.
- I?m not insane,
- I?m just sentimental, and you?re grown.
- I?m not grown.
Yes, you are, you?re all grown up and
soon you?ll be going off into the world.
- Not yet.
- But soon.
And after you spread those wings and fly away,
I won?t have the opportunity to give you this.
- What is it?
- It?s your bill.
- My what?
- Yeah.
I?ve been crunching the numbers, you know,
adding up what you?ve cost me over the years,
raising you, clothing you, feeding
you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Yes, I?ve itemized everything
here by years and income ratio.
- I thought you could factor it into your student loan.
- Oh boy.
One thing that?s painfully obvious here ?
you?ve used an extraordinary number of diapers.
- I?m gonna go take a shower.
- Really, it?s cost a fortune.
What were you using
all those diapers for?
I was building my ?make
Mommy go away? castle.
All right, you got home too late last night
and I didn?t get a chance to talk to you.
I got home at ten and
you were already asleep.
Well, I was trying to watch The
Legend of Bagger Vance again.
- Okay, what did I miss?
- Okay.
- Kirk asked me out.
- Shut up!
Yesterday he came to the
inn and asked me to dinner.
- That?s so sweet.
- Sweet?
You should wear your dress with the
ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.
- Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
- Why?
why? He?s... he?s Kirk!
- Well, as long as he loves you.
- You are not serious.
- I just want you to be happy.
- "Hello Headmaster Charleston,
this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don?t
make any sudden movements, he?s a fear biter. "
- Okay, so how will you let him down?
- I don?t know.
That?s why I needed to talk to you,
you?re the nice one in the family.
Well, you could just tell him the truth. You could
tell him that you?re not interested in dating him
- and that you just wanna be friends.
- That sounds so lame.
You could tell him you?re
involved with someone.
Yeah, because my current
karma is so great in that area,
I can really afford to jinx
it with that kind of lie ? no!
- Okay, then you figure it out.
- All right...
- We?re gonna have to move.
- Okay.
Take off in the middle of the night, leave
everything behind, assume different identities.
I?ll join a local community theater and I?ll
drive you to soccer. It?ll work for many years
until the FBI comes to get me, and
by that time, you?re on your own.
I don?t play soccer.
You do now.
- Stop!
- It?s funny.
It?s not funny, it?s bad!
I have to see this guy.
He works at every business in
town, I can?t get away from him!
Well, then you should marry
him and move in with his mother.
- I?ll handle it myself, thank you very much.
- Sorry, just trying to help.
- So you have your swearing in ceremony today.
- At three, do not be late.
- I will not be late.
- Okay, I have something to tell you.
- Is it about Vince Foster?
- It?s about Grandma.
- Oops.
- She?s coming today.
- No!
- Mom, I?m sorry.
- She found out about it, she called...
- And you said yes?
- She?s my grandmother.
- So?
- So what am I supposed to say?
- Say "Sorry, Grandma,
but if my mother sees you, she?ll
run screaming down the hall. "
You?ll be sitting there listening to the
ceremony, you hardly have to talk at all.
- Rory.
- Hey, we are family.
Yeah, well, look how great that
worked out for Sister Sledge.
I?m gonna go take a shower. You?ll
be pouting out here when I?m done?
No, I gotta go to work.
I?ll see you this afternoon.
At three.
There goes my little vice
president, off to rule the world.
Well, Paris will be ruling the
world. I will be holding her keys.
I?m still proud of you.
- I appreciate it.
- Honey, you have power, brains,
now all you need is a dimwitted,
drunken or drug-addicted relative
to constantly humiliate you
while you serve in office.
- Will you work on that for me?
- Two steps ahead of you.
- Ah, time?
- 3:01.
No, oh man, not fair,
stupid traffic lights!
- That?s okay, it doesn?t start ?til 3:15.
- But I so tried to... you lied to me.
- Did I?
- You said it was at three,
- and it?s at three-fifteen.
- Well, I guess I did.
Ah! That?s it, I?m standing up in the middle
of your speech and demanding a recount.
- Shall we seat you?
- Betrayed, lied to and humiliated.
- Well, get used to it... I am in politics now.
- Hey, where?s...
- She?s not here yet.
- You told her the real time, didn?t you?
Well, Grandma can handle structure.
- How?s this?
- Fine.
Okay, great. You can sit there and you can put
your purse on that chair to save it for Grandma.
- Oh, yeah, great idea.
- Mom.
Fine, yeah, saving the seat.
- There, all saved.
- Thank you.
- Now, I?ll meet right outside afterwards, okay?
- Okay.
I just want you to remember three
things while you?re sitting up there:
I love you, you?re the greatest kid in the world,
and you?re in a skirt, keep your knees closed.
- Bye.
- Hey, this is good advice.
When I was in school, Linda Lee was
class treasurer and she could not
keep her knees closed if they were magnetized.
Hanes should?ve given her an endorsement deal.
- Lorelai!
- Hi Mom.
You could?ve put your handbag
there to save my seat, you know.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you. Assemblies
like this are always happy ones for me,
initiating in a new
group of school leaders.
Chilton?s always prided itself on
the quality of its student government,
and this year we may
have outdone ourselves.
These young men and women
up on this stage represent
the best and the brightest of
what this school has to offer.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to
present to you your student body government of 2003.
...a larger awareness
of the world around us.
Problems that not only face us here at
school but will face us when we leave school,
and more importantly, will face
the next generation that follows us.
We must learn that our actions have consequences,
that someone else will have to clean up our mess.
We need to figure out how to
make that mess a little smaller.
If a small fraction of these things
can be accomplished this year,
then I will feel like our administration
has done its job. Thank you.
In the past, all great
empires have fallen.
The feeling seems to be
that it?s inevitable ?
that something like what the Romans
built could not last. Maybe they?re right.
Maybe there is no way of keeping something
that big and prosperous permanently.
Maybe there is no way of keeping
our legacy from becoming obsolete.
Well, I intend to fly in the face of such
thinking, and damn it, I will succeed.
I certainly don?t wanna come back here
twenty years from now on Alumni?s Night
and find this place turned into a high
priced charm school, pink and white
with big cheerleading megaphones painted
on the walls. I wouldn?t be able to take it.
I would have to dismantle
the place stone by stone
- with my bare hands...
- I have faith in the Chilton Handbook, so let it be forever.
Congratulations and good luck.
- Is Rory coming out?
- That?s what she said.
- It was a nice ceremony.
- Yes, it was.
- Long.
- Very long.
- The longest.
- Lorelai...
- Hey. You?re both here.
- Yeah, we?re here.
Of course we?re here. We wouldn?t
have missed it for the world.
- You looked wonderful up there, Rory.
- Yeah, good job with the knees.
Thank you. I?m gonna run to my locker
and get my backpack, then we can go.
- I?ll be here.
- Bye Grandma.
You know, you don?t have to wait,
Mom, if you have things to do.
Oh... well, all right.
- Lorelai, I was wondering if we could have lunch.
- Lunch?
- Yes, just the two of us.
- Oh, well...
Tomorrow would be good for me.
Tomorrow, lunch tomorrow,
lunch with you tomorrow...
We can do it anywhere you?d like. Perhaps at
that Luke?s Diner you two seem to love so much.
Lunch ? at Luke?s ? with you? Wow,
I can?t even put the visual together.
- I can meet you there at one.
- One? Well...
If one isn?t good, you pick
a time. I?ll make it work.
All right. One o?clock at Luke?s.
Wonderful. I?ll see you then.
Look, let?s face it, the last administration might
have just as well been running around yelling ?Toga!?
for all the brilliant things they accomplished.
But this year ? everything changes,
starting with the library. It?s completely
out of proportion with its subjects.
I mean, there?s five hundred volumes on the
French Revolution, yet only three on the Crusades.
How do they expect us to get a decent
education with inferior resources like that?
Seems like the hour?s almost up.
Okay, well, I think this has been an
extremely successful first gathering.
I appreciate all the class
presidents coming and being on time.
So before I adjourn this meeting, is
there anything anyone would like to say?
People?s names might have been nice.
Actually, I have something I?d like
to put on the table to be discussed.
Oh, okay. Well, we only have a couple of
minutes, so give us the Reader?s Digest version.
As president of the senior class, a certain
problem has been brought to my attention.
For the past thirty years, the Chilton regulations
have stated that skirts must be no higher than
three-quarters of an inch above the knee, that?s
it. Any higher, the student gets written up.
I propose to put to an immediate vote an amendment
to raise hemlines an additional inch and a half.
- Hemlines?
- That?s right.
That?s the major issue
on the senior class? mind?
It?s one of the major issues, yes.
Well, okay ? thank you, Francie,
for giving us something really
important to mull over here.
I anticipate a lot of sleepless nights
for many of the people in this room.
I will take that under advisement
and get back to you as soon as I can.
Oh, okay, fine. Thanks.
Now, if that?s it, I officially call the first meeting
of the Chilton student body presidents to a close.
I?ll see you all Friday.
What idiot gave her a gavel?
Okay, see, the whole point of having
an informal ?get to know you? gathering
was actually to have an informal
?get to know you? gathering.
What?s your point?
You just spent an hour walking
around talking about your agenda.
I?m student body
president ? that?s my job.
But we got donuts, and we
didn?t touch the donuts.
The donuts are still sitting next to
the coffee that we never passed out.
We were supposed to spend this time
to talk, bond, get to know each other.
Geez, Rory, we?ve been sitting in a room together
for sixty minutes ? what else do you want, a ring?
Hi. Excuse me, Paris?
I just wanted to say on behalf of the entire
senior class, congratulations on your win
and I?m really looking forward to
working very closely with you this year.
- Thanks.
- Okay. See you later.
Bye Rory. You two are
gonna make a great team.
Yes, the jerseys are coming on Friday.
Okay, I?m gonna drop the demand for the librarian?s
resignation tonight. You wanna read it before I send it?
Are you sure the first thing you wanna do in office
is to get a ninety-three year old woman sacked?
Hey, at least I?m not putting her on
an iceberg and shoving her off to sea,
which considering the fact that you can?t find
the Shakespeare section without psychic powers
yet the Cliffs Notes rack practically smacks you
in the face on the way in, is totally justified.
And we?re off.
Okay, I just got a message that a
vegetarian menu was requested for tonight.
Yeah, Lasano?s, party
of five at eight o?clock.
I thought you said you weren?t gonna
let vegetarians in here anymore.
No, you said you weren?t gonna
let vegetarians in here anymore.
But I?m making my baked
stuffed pork chops for tonight.
Well, make ?em for the other guests and
make something else for the Lasano?s.
- Like what?
- I don?t know.
- Pasta, you make great pasta.
- But that?s boring, anyone can make pasta.
I?m an artist. You don?t dictate to an
artist, you don?t tell him what to do.
I mean, no ever walked up to Degas and
said, "Hey, pal, easy with the dancers,
enough already. Draw a nice fruit
bowl once in awhile, will ya?"
A great artist can make art out
of anything, including pasta.
- Fine, pasta, whoo.
- Is there coffee?
- Just made some.
- Great.
- So today?s your lunch with Emily.
- Yup.
- Any idea what she?s gonna say?
- No, but I bet it?s not,
"I?m joining the circus, feed your father
until I get back. " I should just cancel.
You can?t cancel, you?re
meeting her in an hour.
I know, but this goes against every rule
I have in the Gilmore survival guide.
Number one ? no running with scissors.
Number two ? no pageboy haircuts.
Number three ? never ever
have lunch alone with a mother.
It might not be so bad.
Saying yes to this lunch with my mother is like
saying "Sounds fun!" to a ride with Clemenza.
- Think good thoughts, she could surprise you.
- I guess.
People change, you know.
They do it every day.
I mean, one minute you could
be... oh, let?s say a vegetarian,
and the next minute you could accidentally
have a bite of a stuffed pork chop
- that changes your entire way of thinking.
- Sookie.
Oh, suddenly life?s fun, suddenly there?s a reason
to get up in the morning ? it?s called bacon!
- Forget it.
- Come on!
- Pasta.
- Let the people grow, dammit!
- Rory, hi, nice of you to join us.
- Francie, what...
No, I talk, okay? Great.
- Now let?s discuss Paris.
- What about her?
She seems to have the very strange idea
that she?s actually in charge around here,
and I thought it?d be good if I let
you in on a little secret... she?s not.
Why don?t you tell her this yourself?
Because talking to Paris is like
shopping for a bathing suit in December ?
frustrating, fruitless, and
a complete waste of time.
Now, you, you might be the wallflower, but you?re
obviously the Meyer Lansky behind this organization.
- I am not the Meyer Lansky.
- What?s that noise?
What is that noise? Oh wait, it?s me, still
talking. Didn?t you hear it? Obviously not.
Anyhow, Paris is student
body president ? big fat deal.
There are three other class presidents ? the junior
class president, the sophomore class president,
- and oh, yes, the senior class president: me.
- I know all this.
Well, then, it?s off the
short bus for you, isn?t it?
Now if Paris thinks she?s gonna march around
dictating mandates and ignoring what I have to say,
- then she?s in for a major bikini wax.
- Thanks for the visual.
Without me, she?s nothing.
Just another power mad, insecure,
friendless, dateless, highlight-less loser
wandering around trying to make someone care that
they exist at all, which, by the way, no one does.
I control the senior class. I
am also the leader of the Puffs,
the most exclusive
society on this campus,
- and I have the power to make her life a living hell.
- Francie, she?s just...
I can make sure she does nothing
this year but lead the student body
in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance
happens to be constitutional at the time.
What do you want me to do about it?
I want you to go back to Margaret
Thatcher and tell her to play ball.
She?s gonna support the hemline issue, and any
other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year.
Otherwise I?ll make her so ineffectual, she?ll make
Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen ? do you get me?
We?re supposed to be representing
the interests of the student body.
We are not supposed to be
brokering backdoor deals
and pushing through agendas
with intimidation and bribery.
- I mean, what are we, French skating judges?
- Wise up, Goldilocks.
- My hair?s brown.
- This is politics.
If you?ve got a problem,
tell it to Noam Chomsky.
I live in the real world, now blow.
Oh, and I would keep this
conversation between you and me.
Paris tends to get a little paranoid when
there?s other mammals at the watering hole,
so her finding out that you were conferring with
me might not make your vice presidency any easier.
I am not conferring with you. A hand
came out of the bathroom and pulled me in.
What are you talking
about? You sought me out
because you thought Paris
was a little out of line today
and you wanted to make sure my
very delicate feelings weren?t hurt.
You are so sweet to think of me. I feel
much better now that I have you on my side.
Bye now, see you at the hemster.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Ah, I came for the warmth.
Well, you?re just not usually
here this time of day, that?s all.
- Well, I?m meeting someone for lunch.
- Oh, Kirk?
- What?
- You?re meeting Kirk?
- Why would you say that?
- Well, I know he asked you out so I just assumed.
- How do you know he asked me out?
- He told me.
- He told you?
- Yesterday.
- Oh my God.
- Hey, relax, I think it?s great.
Why, why would he tell you?
- Well, actually, he came to me for a little advice.
- About what?
About whether or not I thought he had a shot with
you. After all, I know ya, I?ve been to your house,
- I know whether or not you have stain resistant rugs.
- I?m lying down now.
When he found out you had wood
floors, he seemed very pleased.
- Oh, Luke.
- I told him you like movies and junk food,
and of course, talking incessantly, but we both
agreed that there?s nothing like some good lovin?
to shut a person up,
if you know what I mean.
I?m sorry, can you bring me a sharper fork? I?m not
sure this one will go all the way through your hand.
Okay, now, I know it?s new so you probably don?t
wanna jinx it, so I won?t talk about it anymore.
But I have to tell you, seeing that guy?s
face when he was talking about you...
- he almost had an expression.
- Far, far away from me.
Love is in the air.
Why are you throwing
cutlery in a public place?
Uh, ?cause I feel
stupid doing it at home?
I?m sorry I?m late, there was
a little traffic on the way.
Perhaps had I been on time, there
would still be the possibility of soup.
I haven?t been here that long.
See, I still have a knife.
- I?m glad to hear it.
- So, you gonna sit?
Oh, yes, of course.
There we go. Well, this is nice.
You certainly can see the
whole town from here, can?t you?
- Yes, you can.
- I can see why you come here so much.
It must be fun to just
sit and people-watch.
Well, let?s see what
they?ve got, shall we?
- Oh, Caesar salad ? is that good here?
- I?m sure it is.
- You?ve never had it?
- No.
- Has Rory?
- No.
Oh. Well, Caesar salads can be
extremely unsafe if they use bad eggs.
- Get something else.
- Of course, if they?re coddled, it would be fine.
- Do you know if they coddle the eggs here?
- I have no idea.
You don?t know? You come here every day.
Why don?t you ask Luke
if they?re coddled?
Oh, he?ll just say they are. I?ll have
a Cobb salad. What are you going to have?
A Caesar salad with extra
uncoddled eggs on the side.
Really, Lorelai, would a serious
answer once in awhile kill you?
Sorry, Mom. Honestly,
I?m a little confused.
- About what?
- About this.
- What?s confusing? We?re having lunch.
- I know we?re having lunch,
but we don?t usually have lunch,
especially not in my town at Luke?s Diner.
I just figured you had to work,
it?d be easier on you this way.
- Okay, that?s fine, if I...
- You two ready to order?
Yes. How is your Caesar
salad dressing prepared?
I?ll have to call Paul
Newman and ask him.
A Cobb salad and an iced tea.
Cheeseburger, fries, onion
rings and a cherry coke.
- Any pie today?
- No thanks.
Cutting back a little, huh? Trying to look
good for the big day. Smart, very smart.
Make sure you check that
frying oil with your face.
- What was that all about?
- Ah, nothing, just a little small town charm.
Now, please, Mom, tell me ?
why did you ask me to lunch?
Because I wanted to spend some
time alone with my daughter.
- Mom.
- Well, Rory drops by after school every now
- and then, so we see her alone.
- Mom.
But we never see you alone... unless
Rory leaves the room for a second,
and even then you try to go with
her. If I had a nickel for every time
you?ve used the ?Girls always go to the bathroom
together, Mom? line, I?d be a very rich woman.
You are a very rich woman. Mom, please,
is this really a ?me and you? lunch?
- No hidden agenda?
- Of course not.
Okay, fine.
- I talked to Christopher.
- What?
I called him last week, we talked for a very long time,
and I have to tell you, he is not in love with that woman.
- Oh my God.
- He never came out and said it,
but I could tell from his voice. He
would much rather be with you and Rory.
- Are you out of your mind?
- I think you need to talk to him.
- And that would be a yes.
- All he needs is to hear that you want this, too.
Mom, what the hell are you
doing calling Christopher?
- Well, somebody had to.
- No, somebody didn?t have to!
Oh, I certainly wasn?t going to just
sit by and watch this situation explode.
You two belong together. It took
you years to figure that out,
and now that you finally have it, you can?t let
it go away just because of a little complication.
Mom, his girlfriend is pregnant ? that
is more than a little complication.
Women have gotten pregnant since
the beginning of time, Lorelai.
And before I result to the totally called
for duh, please tell me what your point it.
This woman is trying to trap him. Don?t
you see that? You can?t let that happen.
- Mom, this is none of your business.
- Yes, it is!
It affects Rory, it affects you
? both of whom are my business.
Do not get involved in
this, I mean it. Butt out!
Don?t call Christopher and talk
about me or us, just stay out of it!
- Where are you going?
- I have to get back to the inn.
Do not walk out on me.
Mom, I am not gonna discuss
this with you now or ever.
I would love for you to respect that but
I know you, so give Christopher my love.
A family life doesn?t just happen,
Lorelai. You have to work for it.
You have to fight for it.
Lorelai, come back here!
So as soon as she gets out of
intensive care, we?ll get her signature,
and then we can finally set about
hiring a new librarian. Anything else?
Yes. I was thinking that maybe this year we should
throw a little beginning of the school year dance.
- I mean, why wait until the tan fades to have a formal?
- Dances are distracting.
Dances help bring in money to pay for
those stupid topiaries you want in the quad.
Draft a proposal and have it on
my desk by tomorrow. Madeline?
I would like to explore the option
of having a professional photographer
take the senior class photos.
Every year we use that cheesy picture
place, and every year people wind up
with those VH1 ?Before They Were Stars? pictures,
and I for one would like to stop the humiliation now.
How are we going to get a
professional photographer?
- Helmett Newton is my godfather.
- Okay, sign him up...
and tell him to leave the whips and chains at home.
All right, I think that?s all we have time for today.
Excuse me, Paris? I was just wondering if
you had time to think about my proposal?
- What proposal?
- You know, the higher hemlines.
Oh right. No, not yet.
Okay, I guess I can wait... for awhile.
Patience is a virtue.
What do you think about Helmett
Newton being Louise?s godfather?
- Explains a lot, doesn?t it?
- Yeah.
Listen, I think it might be a good idea to
consider getting behind this hemline issue.
- You?re kidding, right?
- No.
I mean, if girls want the option of making their
skirts a little shorter, then who cares, right?
I care. I?m building
a legacy here, Rory.
You want the first stand I make against
the faculty to involve a fashion choice?
It would be my ?gays in the military. ?
I just think it would be really smart to establish
some goodwill among the other class presidents.
- Why?
- Because you have to work with them,
and you might even need their
support on something in the future.
And throwing them a tiny bone like
a hemline amendment is no big deal.
- I don?t know.
- Look, it?s right at the beginning of your term.
No one will even remember the
first stupid thing that you passed.
You have plenty of time to
establish your legacy. I mean it.
By the time that you implement public executions for
line cutters, hemlines will be a thing of the past.
- I was making a joke not a suggestion.
- Why do you care?
- What?
- Why do you care?
You seem very invested
in this whole thing ? why?
Hey, I?m not invested in this thing. If you don?t
wanna do it, fine. I?m just giving you my opinion.
I just thought you might wanna be one of those
presidents that?s beloved as well as respected.
Raising hemlines would make me beloved?
It?s certainly a step in that direction.
- All right, I?ll push it through.
- Good.
But the next genius who comes
up with the brilliant plan
to put Elizabeth Arden in the
chemistry class can bite my ass.
- I?m not going.
- You are going.
She has done this to
me for the last time.
>From now on, I?m not giving her
any information about my life at all.
As opposed to all the details
you?ve heaped upon her in the past.
I can?t believe she called Christopher. She has
no respect for me or my feelings or my privacy.
Well, she didn?t think of it that
way. She thought that she was helping.
You do know there isn?t
a Santa Claus, don?t you?
Please just try to forget this.
- I?m never ever going over there again.
- Not an option.
It should be. Sometimes you have
to cut people out of your life.
- She?s your mother.
- I want proof, I want tests done.
- Do you want your red purse or your blue?
- Blue.
Gee, I wonder who else she?s calling. She?s
probably on the phone to Kirk right now.
"I heard through my spies you?re taking my
daughter out to dinner. Let?s talk China patterns. "
God, I?m furious!
Don?t get that, it might be her.
Well, I doubt she?d call when we?re
supposed to be over in half an hour.
Hello? Hello?
- The answering machine confused him.
- Yeah.
- And that?s the guy who likes me.
- I?d consider adoption if I were you.
My life stinks. Hey, let?s
look into each other?s eyes
and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the
same time ? maybe we?ll pull a Freaky Friday!
Or we can just pretend that we did and
you can go around acting really immature.
- Oh wait...
- I can?t believe you won?t switch bodies with me.
Forget it. Then I?d have to date Kirk.
I would switch bodies with you
in a heartbeat if you wanted.
I know, and I appreciate that.
Lorelai, hi. I just called, I think
there might be a problem with your phone.
- Oh my God.
- I was just wondering...
- Let?s go.
- Hello?
- Mom?
- Who is this?
Mom, would you please
get off the phone? Mom?
- Is this Dr. Marshall?
- Mom, it?s an important phone call,
please hang up. I?ll call you back.
Oh, for heaven?s sake.
Hey, I don?t think
your doorbell?s working.
Believe me, it?s not the doorbell.
Oh, so it was the door.
Yes, Sarah, once again, it was the door.
Okay, so I just have to remember that the really
big bell is the door and the small one is the oven.
Yes, that would be a
wonderful thing to remember.
Okay, well, let?s
have a drink, shall we?
- So, Grandma, you have a new maid?
- Yes, I do.
Well, good thing we?re
in time for happy hour.
- Wine, Lorelai?
- Yeah, if there?s any left.
- Rory, soda or water?
- Soda please.
- How about water?
- Water?s fine, too.
- What?s up, Mom?
- Nothing.
- You seem tense.
- You always think I seem tense.
- But tonight you seem tenser than usual.
- Well, I?m not!
- Rory, tell me about school.
- Oh, okay...
- School?s good.
- Do you like student government?
- I think so.
- And your grades are still good?
- Yes.
- Do you take any sort of physical education?
Not this semester.
But eventually you will take
some sort of physical education?
- I?m not sure.
- But trust me...
the minute she decides to run after
a ball and take a public shower
with thirty other girls,
you are getting a call.
- Well, thank you.
- Dinner?s ready!
- Sarah, one minute please.
- Yeah?
I told you we eat dinner at seven...
and right now, it?s six-thirty.
Therefore, one could conclude that
maybe it?s just a tad early for dinner.
- Oh, I?m sorry, I...
- We want to eat at seven!
But the food?s ready now.
Okay, never mind, we?ll eat.
We?re eating. Up, up, let?s go.
It?s fine. It?s better ? then we
can all be in bed by nine. Sit down.
- Mom, tell us what is up right now.
- What is up with what?
With you, with her, with you and her.
Well, she?s new, Lorelai. She?s only been here
three days, she?s still getting the hang of things.
I think it?s only fair to
give the woman a chance.
Why are you staring at me?
Mom, you?ve had maids deported
who were better than her.
- I have not.
- Talk.
Your father made a crack the other day
about my not being able to keep a maid.
Of course, it?s a gross exaggeration.
Yes, I?ve had maids I haven?t liked,
but I?ve also had maids I?ve loved.
Name one.
- Daiha.
- Who?
- You remember, she took you shopping once.
- How old was I?
- I don?t know.
- Guess.
Four, five.
Mom, you haven?t liked a
maid since I was four or five?
I have liked a maid; you asked
me whom I loved. I loved Daiha.
- And whatever happened to Daiha?
- Oh, how should I know? But I loved her.
- Okay, so salad?
- Thank you, Sarah.
- Oops, big bell.
- Sarah, the salad! Sarah!
- Pass the wine, Lorelai.
- You want a straw with that?
- You?re enjoying this?
- Well... yeah.
- Lor, I need to talk to you.
- Chris, what are you doing here?
- You won?t return my calls!
- Did you do this?
- I knew you?d be here.
- I did not do this.
- You gave me no choice.
- After I told you to just stay out of it!
- Lorelai, I did not do this!
- You have to go.
I?m not going until you talk to me.
Christopher, Lorelai, come back here!
Why won?t you call me back?
Hey, there couldn?t be a worst
time to have this conversation.
Really, because it seems to be the
only time to have this conversation.
Look, go home, okay? I promise
I will talk to you tomorrow.
- Well, sure, I believe that.
- Hey, I?ve never lied to you.
- There?s no reason to doubt my word.
- Really?
- Forty-five unreturned phone calls
isn?t a reason? - No, it isn?t.
You shutting me out like this is wrong.
I?m not discussing this with
you here in my mother?s house.
You don?t get to dictate this. I need
to talk to you, you won?t call me back,
and I did what I had
to do. And I?m sorry ?
but after all we?ve been through,
especially over these last few months ?
you shutting me out is wrong. And you
know what hits me the hardest, Lor?
- Apparently it isn?t the door on your way out.
- You keeping Rory from me.
- What?
- I never, ever thought you?d do that.
- I?m not keeping Rory from you.
- Oh really?
Then why hasn?t she called me back, huh? I mean,
no matter where you and I have been in our lives,
my daughter has always
called me back ? until now.
- Hey, listen to me...
- I didn?t call you back
because I didn?t want to. Me ?
Mom had nothing to do with it.
- Okay, honey, calm down.
- You promised me.
You promised me at Sookie?s
wedding that this was going to work,
that you were going to
be there, you promised me.
- Honey, please understand...
- No, I always understand,
and I don?t wanna understand! I don?t even
really wanna talk about this right now.
I?ve got Mom, that?s all I
need. Go be somebody else?s dad!
- Don?t say that.
- I?m going upstairs. Call me when he?s gone.
- She did not get there by herself.
- Hey, have you ever met your daughter?
She could get anywhere by herself! She
could get to the third dimension by herself!
She was helping the crossing
guard when she was four.
- I?m going to talk to her.
- No, you?re not.
She wants to be alone and cool off.
Respect that. I?ll talk to her later.
You?ll talk to her, great. That
makes me feel a whole lot better.
Okay, you need to leave, right now.
- This isn?t right. She needs her father.
- I know she needs her father,
I?ve been telling her she needs her father!
But she feels like her father bailed on her
and she?s mad and hurt, and I
can?t change that in three minutes!
- Do you think I like this situation?
- Oh God.
Do you? I mean, after what
you and I had going and now ?
Chris, do you remember
why we?re here right now?
What event in your life caused this
very pleasant moment we?re sharing?
- That has nothing to do with this.
- Oh... it... what? Chris, man!
- What do you want from me?
- I wanna talk!
- About what?
- I don?t know. I just...
- I don?t like how things are.
- But that?s how they are!
- I didn?t want things to turn out this way!
- But they did turn out this way!
But I didn?t want that!
- Christopher, is Sherry still pregnant?
- Of course she is.
- Are you still with her?
- Yes.
- Are you gonna marry her?
- Yes.
- Then, honey, we are where we are! Accept it.
- I can?t.
Don?t you understand that I can?t talk to you
because it hurts talking to you, really hurts!
Standing here right now is killing
me, okay? Don?t you understand that?
- Christopher, I think you?d better go now.
- Emily, I...
Leave now, please.
You know, you need a mask
and a horse when you do that.
Something?s burning.
Chris?
Give it time.
- Well, now, that was a fun night.
- Yup.
- I haven?t had that much
fun since labor. - Ba-dum-bum.
But seriously, ladies
and gentlemen, is this on?
- I can?t believe he just came over.
- He misses you.
- He misses you.
- We?re very missable.
Honey, he loves you so much,
he didn?t mean to mess...
No, he never means to, but he does.
And I don?t care what he says or
does, I?m not going to this wedding.
- You don?t have to.
- Good.
But you might, at a later point in
your life, when you?re not so angry
and you make up with your dad, as we both know
you will, you might be sorry you missed it.
- It?s the wrong wedding.
- Ah, things happen for a reason.
- Since when is that your philosophy.
- Since now.
- By the way, I?m also a communist.
- Really?
- Yes, ?cause I look damn good in red.
- I?m starving.
- Really? Could it be ?cause dinner sucked?
- Could be.
- Let?s do mac and cheese.
- And tater tots
- And those little pizza rolls.
- Oh, and chili beef soup.
- After which we will install our own vomitorium.
- Okay, nix the soup.
And add some cake. Okay, let?s be
organized ? make it fast, make it snappy,
- and if there?s any impulse buying, make it chocolate.
- Aye aye, captain.
- Lorelai!
- Oh no.
- Go on in.
- Are you sure?
- I have to take care of this.
- Good luck.
Hey Kirk.
Lorelai, I know you haven?t made up your
mind yet, and I?m not here for an answer.
- I just need to know: are you allergic to tuna?
- Uh, no.
No, good. Thank you very much.
Kirk, I have made up my mind.
- You have?
- Yeah.
- Already?
- Yes.
- And it?s fully formed?
- Yes, it is.
- You don?t need any other information?
- No, I don?t.
- ?Cause I could have my mother call you if...
- Totally unnecessary.
Okay, well, then, go ahead.
I just got out of a really weird relationship,
and I know that sounds like a line, but it isn?t.
I?m just not... fully over the shock
of it yet, and I never wanna hurt you
because you?re my friend and I like you,
so I have to say no. I?m sorry.
Was the tuna inquiry too personal?
Oh, no, I thought it was very thoughtful
You?re sure you won?t
feel like it anytime soon?
Yeah, I?m sure.
Well, at least I asked.
Goodnight Lorelai.
- Doing a little shopping?
- Yes. Excuse me.
- Why the cold shoulder?
- No cold shoulder. I just have perishables here.
Oh yeah, you wanna get home
before that beefaroni goes bad.
My mom?s waiting for me.
- How was Washington?
- Fine.
- Do anything interesting?
- Nope.
- Okay.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- Anything interesting happen?
- This summer, I mean.
- Nope.
- Really?
- Really.
So nothing happened this summer, at all?
It was hot. Two weeks ago
there was a run on snowcones.
Machine broke, people went crazy, Taylor
tried to call in the National Guard, but...
- I?m not talking about snowcones.
- What are you talking about then?
Nothing.
- Her name?s Shane.
- As in ?come back??
- Yup.
- Well, great. That?s great.
- Really, it?s great.
- So I?ve heard.
- Well, it is.
- Are you upset about something?
- No.
- I mean, me and Shane...
What about you and Shane?
I don?t know, it didn?t exactly
bring a smile to your face.
Well, I?m still freaked out
about the, uh, snowcone machine.
- Okay.
- I could care less about you and Shane.
- Good.
- It just surprised me, that?s all.
- Why?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because of what happened at Sookie?s wedding.
Yeah, so me coming back here and just seeing
you with Shane just kind of threw me for a sec.
I'm sorry, did I hear from
you at all this summer?
Did I just happen to miss the
thousands of phone calls you made to me,
or did the postman happen to lose
all those letters you wrote to me?
You kiss me, you tell me not to say
anything... very flattering, by the way.
You go off to
Washington... then nothing.
Then you come back here all put
out because I didn't just sit around
and wait for you like
Dean would've done?
And yeah, what about Dean?
Are you still with him?
'Cause last time I checked, you were, and
I haven't heard anything to the contrary.
Plus, the two of you walking around the
other day like some damn Andy Hardy movie.
Seemed to me like you?re
still pretty together.
I half expected you to break
into a barn and put on a show.
When did you see me with Dean?
At that stupid summer
insanity plea the town put on.
Oh, I?m surprised you could see anything
with Shane?s head plastered to your face.
- You didn?t answer me.
- About what?
- Did you call me at all?
- No.
- Did you send me a letter?
- No.
- Postcard?
- No.
- Smoke signal?
- Stop.
- A nice fruit basket?
- Enough!
Are you still with Dean?
Come on, Rory, yes or no
? are you still with Dean?
Yes, I?m still with Dean, yes!
- Glad to hear it.
- Glad to tell you.
- See you around.
- Whatever.
Right back at ya.
Hey, I was just gonna come in after you.
- You all done?
- Oh yeah, I?m done.
- So, Grandma, Grandpa is traveling again, huh?
- Yes, he is.
- Business must be good.
- Seems to be.
- That?s great. Isn?t that great, Mom?
- A jig is forthcoming.
Mom?s business is great, too.
I mean, not that it?s without its problem,
you know, but they?re usually funny problems...
like... oh! Mom, why don?t you
tell Grandma about the mouse?
- What mouse?
- Mom?
- There?s a mouse at the inn.
- Is the place dirty?
No, it?s just surrounded by this
thing called nature and... mice happen.
- Mice carry diseases, you know.
- It?s a tiny little field mouse, Mom.
- I don?t care how big it is, it?s still a rodent.
- Let?s just change the subject, shall we?
- You should set a trap.
- Got it covered.
- Just make sure you don?t use poison.
- Got it covered.
They will eat the poison and then go into the walls
and die, decompose, and the entire place will smell.
I?ve got it covered, but thanks.
I just have to say, I don?t know why you?re
the one sitting here with an attitude.
- I?m the one who should be mad.
- Let?s not do this, okay Mom?
After all, you?re the one who just walked
out of here last week without saying a word.
- Because I couldn?t get a word in.
- Your father and I were shocked and upset.
- So what else is new?
- You didn?t give us five minutes to digest the news.
- Please, find the off switch.
- You simply dumped it on us and walked out.
- I hardly think that?s fair.
- Mom, it doesn?t matter.
It?s over. Let?s just move on, okay?
We came here to have a nice evening,
so... come on, let?s have it.
Something smells good.
- Braised lamb shank.
- Oh, braised lamb shank!
- I love a lamb shank when it is braised.
- Oh my God.
Reading in front of other people
is extremely rude, Lorelai.
- Shauna Christy shot her husband.
- What?
Shauna Christy, you
remember Shauna Christy.
Yes, I remember Shauna
Christy, she was a lovely girl.
Well, apparently this lovely girl came home to find her
husband giving the nanny a nice little bonus package.
- And they say good help is hard to find.
- That?s just gossip.
Gossip? The man was
shot thirty-five times.
He looks like a sprinkler system.
I can?t believe this.
Shauna was always such a nice girl.
- She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.
- And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.
- This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.
- Okay, fine.
- This is a tragedy.
- My bad, sorry.
- A man is dead, a young woman ruined.
- Consider the subject dropped.
At least she had a husband to kill.
This is nice, isn?t it?
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
- I hate having a cold.
- I know you do.
It?s bad enough being sick,
but anybody can have a cold.
I know they can.
I mean, I?d like to have a good
illness, something different, impressive.
Just once I?d like to be able to say, "Yeah,
I?m not feeling so good, my leg is haunted. "
See, there?s a reason why you only
take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, pancakes, one
fried egg, side of bacon.
Chicken noodle soup,
side of mashed potatoes.
- Thanks, Luke.
- Thanks.
- How?s the cold coming?
- It?s fine.
- Any better?
- It?s fine.
It?s the third day in a row
you?ve ordered soup for breakfast.
- Oh, thanks for the tally.
- You know what helps get rid of a cold?
Endless vague questioning
first thing in the morning?
- A healthy immune system.
- My second guess.
And you know how you get
a healthy immune system?
Remember when you hated
me? That was fun, wasn?t it?
Is it eating nothing but crap all day and
blowing out your brain cells with coffee?
- No.
- That?s right, no.
- Why are you helping him?
- No seemed like the right answer.
Eat a vegetable now and then, maybe
some high fiber cereal in the morning.
Listen, Grandpa, my soup?s getting cold.
At least eat the carrots in the
soup this time, not just the noodles.
I promise.
Eat my carrots.
Apparently, maturity is extremely
overrated in your universe.
That?s right. The Empress
Bobo Belle forbids it. Eat.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So?
- One sec.
- Jess.
- Relax. I?m out.
- Let?s go.
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, an entire
conversation in ten words or less.
A true meeting of the minds.
Okay, so please don?t hate me,
but I already ate breakfast.
- See, nice full sentences.
- What?
Don?t ruin it.
- You?re sure?
- Positive.
- It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace.
- I don?t see it.
Well, it must?ve found
a hole to crawl into.
We cannot have this mouse running
around the inn. Customers will freak.
Well, tell them it?s a baby. People love
babies. They?ll talk to it in funny voices.
- Did you call an exterminator?
- Why, no, what a wonderful idea.
I was actually going to fasten a
large wedge of cheese to my head
and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry
and decides to crawl out and snack on my face.
- When does he get here?
- He said we were the first stop.
- What do we do until them?
- Make cat sounds?
- Excuse me, Lorelai?
- Oh, hey Kirk. Hold on a sec.
- Just stand here and make sure it doesn?t come out.
- Oh, goody, a promotion.
- Hi Kirk. What can I do for ya?
- I have a delivery for Sookie.
- Oh, well, anything good?
- No, just some wedding photos.
Great. Well, she stepped out for
a minute, but I?ll take ?em to her.
I swear, I?ll give ?em to her.
If you want, I?ll leave and find
her and then I?ll give them to her.
- No, that won?t be necessary.
- Okay, well...
- Lorelai, can I speak to you for a moment?
- Oh, sure.
- Could we sit?
- Sit... sure, let?s sit.
- Is everything okay?
- Okay?
- Yes.
- With me?
Well, my mother has
developed a condition...
makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all
morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit,
but other than that and the dyspeptic
parrot problem, everything is fine.
Well, good, I?m glad.
- Okay, well, I?m gonna...
- I was just wondering...
Yes... wondering what?
We?ve known each other for
a good amount of time now.
Our... paths have crossed professionally and socially
a number of times, all with relatively pleasant results,
and well, I was just wondering if
you would like to have dinner with me?
- Oh.
- In two weeks.
- Two weeks?
- I heard you have a cold.
I think two weeks is enough time to
ensure the virus is out of your system.
- Well, Kirk, I...
- You don?t have to answer me right away.
I know that this is completely
out of the blue for you.
Take a few days and think about it.
Kirk, wait.
By the way, I think you might be
the prettiest girl I?ve ever seen...
- outside of a really filthy magazine.
- Thank you.
- Don?t.
- I am doing nothing.
Ben, however, has dropped
dead from laughter.
- How long have you been sitting there?
- Not long. An hour... and a half.
- Why?
- Because.
?Cause why?
Because today is the last first day
of high school you?re ever gonna have.
- You?re insane.
- I?m not insane,
- I?m just sentimental, and you?re grown.
- I?m not grown.
Yes, you are, you?re all grown up and
soon you?ll be going off into the world.
- Not yet.
- But soon.
And after you spread those wings and fly away,
I won?t have the opportunity to give you this.
- What is it?
- It?s your bill.
- My what?
- Yeah.
I?ve been crunching the numbers, you know,
adding up what you?ve cost me over the years,
raising you, clothing you, feeding
you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Yes, I?ve itemized everything
here by years and income ratio.
- I thought you could factor it into your student loan.
- Oh boy.
One thing that?s painfully obvious here ?
you?ve used an extraordinary number of diapers.
- I?m gonna go take a shower.
- Really, it?s cost a fortune.
What were you using
all those diapers for?
I was building my ?make
Mommy go away? castle.
All right, you got home too late last night
and I didn?t get a chance to talk to you.
I got home at ten and
you were already asleep.
Well, I was trying to watch The
Legend of Bagger Vance again.
- Okay, what did I miss?
- Okay.
- Kirk asked me out.
- Shut up!
Yesterday he came to the
inn and asked me to dinner.
- That?s so sweet.
- Sweet?
You should wear your dress with the
ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.
- Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
- Why?
why? He?s... he?s Kirk!
- Well, as long as he loves you.
- You are not serious.
- I just want you to be happy.
- "Hello Headmaster Charleston,
this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don?t
make any sudden movements, he?s a fear biter. "
- Okay, so how will you let him down?
- I don?t know.
That?s why I needed to talk to you,
you?re the nice one in the family.
Well, you could just tell him the truth. You could
tell him that you?re not interested in dating him
- and that you just wanna be friends.
- That sounds so lame.
You could tell him you?re
involved with someone.
Yeah, because my current
karma is so great in that area,
I can really afford to jinx
it with that kind of lie ? no!
- Okay, then you figure it out.
- All right...
- We?re gonna have to move.
- Okay.
Take off in the middle of the night, leave
everything behind, assume different identities.
I?ll join a local community theater and I?ll
drive you to soccer. It?ll work for many years
until the FBI comes to get me, and
by that time, you?re on your own.
I don?t play soccer.
You do now.
- Stop!
- It?s funny.
It?s not funny, it?s bad!
I have to see this guy.
He works at every business in
town, I can?t get away from him!
Well, then you should marry
him and move in with his mother.
- I?ll handle it myself, thank you very much.
- Sorry, just trying to help.
- So you have your swearing in ceremony today.
- At three, do not be late.
- I will not be late.
- Okay, I have something to tell you.
- Is it about Vince Foster?
- It?s about Grandma.
- Oops.
- She?s coming today.
- No!
- Mom, I?m sorry.
- She found out about it, she called...
- And you said yes?
- She?s my grandmother.
- So?
- So what am I supposed to say?
- Say "Sorry, Grandma,
but if my mother sees you, she?ll
run screaming down the hall. "
You?ll be sitting there listening to the
ceremony, you hardly have to talk at all.
- Rory.
- Hey, we are family.
Yeah, well, look how great that
worked out for Sister Sledge.
I?m gonna go take a shower. You?ll
be pouting out here when I?m done?
No, I gotta go to work.
I?ll see you this afternoon.
At three.
There goes my little vice
president, off to rule the world.
Well, Paris will be ruling the
world. I will be holding her keys.
I?m still proud of you.
- I appreciate it.
- Honey, you have power, brains,
now all you need is a dimwitted,
drunken or drug-addicted relative
to constantly humiliate you
while you serve in office.
- Will you work on that for me?
- Two steps ahead of you.
- Ah, time?
- 3:01.
No, oh man, not fair,
stupid traffic lights!
- That?s okay, it doesn?t start ?til 3:15.
- But I so tried to... you lied to me.
- Did I?
- You said it was at three,
- and it?s at three-fifteen.
- Well, I guess I did.
Ah! That?s it, I?m standing up in the middle
of your speech and demanding a recount.
- Shall we seat you?
- Betrayed, lied to and humiliated.
- Well, get used to it... I am in politics now.
- Hey, where?s...
- She?s not here yet.
- You told her the real time, didn?t you?
Well, Grandma can handle structure.
- How?s this?
- Fine.
Okay, great. You can sit there and you can put
your purse on that chair to save it for Grandma.
- Oh, yeah, great idea.
- Mom.
Fine, yeah, saving the seat.
- There, all saved.
- Thank you.
- Now, I?ll meet right outside afterwards, okay?
- Okay.
I just want you to remember three
things while you?re sitting up there:
I love you, you?re the greatest kid in the world,
and you?re in a skirt, keep your knees closed.
- Bye.
- Hey, this is good advice.
When I was in school, Linda Lee was
class treasurer and she could not
keep her knees closed if they were magnetized.
Hanes should?ve given her an endorsement deal.
- Lorelai!
- Hi Mom.
You could?ve put your handbag
there to save my seat, you know.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you. Assemblies
like this are always happy ones for me,
initiating in a new
group of school leaders.
Chilton?s always prided itself on
the quality of its student government,
and this year we may
have outdone ourselves.
These young men and women
up on this stage represent
the best and the brightest of
what this school has to offer.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to
present to you your student body government of 2003.
...a larger awareness
of the world around us.
Problems that not only face us here at
school but will face us when we leave school,
and more importantly, will face
the next generation that follows us.
We must learn that our actions have consequences,
that someone else will have to clean up our mess.
We need to figure out how to
make that mess a little smaller.
If a small fraction of these things
can be accomplished this year,
then I will feel like our administration
has done its job. Thank you.
In the past, all great
empires have fallen.
The feeling seems to be
that it?s inevitable ?
that something like what the Romans
built could not last. Maybe they?re right.
Maybe there is no way of keeping something
that big and prosperous permanently.
Maybe there is no way of keeping
our legacy from becoming obsolete.
Well, I intend to fly in the face of such
thinking, and damn it, I will succeed.
I certainly don?t wanna come back here
twenty years from now on Alumni?s Night
and find this place turned into a high
priced charm school, pink and white
with big cheerleading megaphones painted
on the walls. I wouldn?t be able to take it.
I would have to dismantle
the place stone by stone
- with my bare hands...
- I have faith in the Chilton Handbook, so let it be forever.
Congratulations and good luck.
- Is Rory coming out?
- That?s what she said.
- It was a nice ceremony.
- Yes, it was.
- Long.
- Very long.
- The longest.
- Lorelai...
- Hey. You?re both here.
- Yeah, we?re here.
Of course we?re here. We wouldn?t
have missed it for the world.
- You looked wonderful up there, Rory.
- Yeah, good job with the knees.
Thank you. I?m gonna run to my locker
and get my backpack, then we can go.
- I?ll be here.
- Bye Grandma.
You know, you don?t have to wait,
Mom, if you have things to do.
Oh... well, all right.
- Lorelai, I was wondering if we could have lunch.
- Lunch?
- Yes, just the two of us.
- Oh, well...
Tomorrow would be good for me.
Tomorrow, lunch tomorrow,
lunch with you tomorrow...
We can do it anywhere you?d like. Perhaps at
that Luke?s Diner you two seem to love so much.
Lunch ? at Luke?s ? with you? Wow,
I can?t even put the visual together.
- I can meet you there at one.
- One? Well...
If one isn?t good, you pick
a time. I?ll make it work.
All right. One o?clock at Luke?s.
Wonderful. I?ll see you then.
Look, let?s face it, the last administration might
have just as well been running around yelling ?Toga!?
for all the brilliant things they accomplished.
But this year ? everything changes,
starting with the library. It?s completely
out of proportion with its subjects.
I mean, there?s five hundred volumes on the
French Revolution, yet only three on the Crusades.
How do they expect us to get a decent
education with inferior resources like that?
Seems like the hour?s almost up.
Okay, well, I think this has been an
extremely successful first gathering.
I appreciate all the class
presidents coming and being on time.
So before I adjourn this meeting, is
there anything anyone would like to say?
People?s names might have been nice.
Actually, I have something I?d like
to put on the table to be discussed.
Oh, okay. Well, we only have a couple of
minutes, so give us the Reader?s Digest version.
As president of the senior class, a certain
problem has been brought to my attention.
For the past thirty years, the Chilton regulations
have stated that skirts must be no higher than
three-quarters of an inch above the knee, that?s
it. Any higher, the student gets written up.
I propose to put to an immediate vote an amendment
to raise hemlines an additional inch and a half.
- Hemlines?
- That?s right.
That?s the major issue
on the senior class? mind?
It?s one of the major issues, yes.
Well, okay ? thank you, Francie,
for giving us something really
important to mull over here.
I anticipate a lot of sleepless nights
for many of the people in this room.
I will take that under advisement
and get back to you as soon as I can.
Oh, okay, fine. Thanks.
Now, if that?s it, I officially call the first meeting
of the Chilton student body presidents to a close.
I?ll see you all Friday.
What idiot gave her a gavel?
Okay, see, the whole point of having
an informal ?get to know you? gathering
was actually to have an informal
?get to know you? gathering.
What?s your point?
You just spent an hour walking
around talking about your agenda.
I?m student body
president ? that?s my job.
But we got donuts, and we
didn?t touch the donuts.
The donuts are still sitting next to
the coffee that we never passed out.
We were supposed to spend this time
to talk, bond, get to know each other.
Geez, Rory, we?ve been sitting in a room together
for sixty minutes ? what else do you want, a ring?
Hi. Excuse me, Paris?
I just wanted to say on behalf of the entire
senior class, congratulations on your win
and I?m really looking forward to
working very closely with you this year.
- Thanks.
- Okay. See you later.
Bye Rory. You two are
gonna make a great team.
Yes, the jerseys are coming on Friday.
Okay, I?m gonna drop the demand for the librarian?s
resignation tonight. You wanna read it before I send it?
Are you sure the first thing you wanna do in office
is to get a ninety-three year old woman sacked?
Hey, at least I?m not putting her on
an iceberg and shoving her off to sea,
which considering the fact that you can?t find
the Shakespeare section without psychic powers
yet the Cliffs Notes rack practically smacks you
in the face on the way in, is totally justified.
And we?re off.
Okay, I just got a message that a
vegetarian menu was requested for tonight.
Yeah, Lasano?s, party
of five at eight o?clock.
I thought you said you weren?t gonna
let vegetarians in here anymore.
No, you said you weren?t gonna
let vegetarians in here anymore.
But I?m making my baked
stuffed pork chops for tonight.
Well, make ?em for the other guests and
make something else for the Lasano?s.
- Like what?
- I don?t know.
- Pasta, you make great pasta.
- But that?s boring, anyone can make pasta.
I?m an artist. You don?t dictate to an
artist, you don?t tell him what to do.
I mean, no ever walked up to Degas and
said, "Hey, pal, easy with the dancers,
enough already. Draw a nice fruit
bowl once in awhile, will ya?"
A great artist can make art out
of anything, including pasta.
- Fine, pasta, whoo.
- Is there coffee?
- Just made some.
- Great.
- So today?s your lunch with Emily.
- Yup.
- Any idea what she?s gonna say?
- No, but I bet it?s not,
"I?m joining the circus, feed your father
until I get back. " I should just cancel.
You can?t cancel, you?re
meeting her in an hour.
I know, but this goes against every rule
I have in the Gilmore survival guide.
Number one ? no running with scissors.
Number two ? no pageboy haircuts.
Number three ? never ever
have lunch alone with a mother.
It might not be so bad.
Saying yes to this lunch with my mother is like
saying "Sounds fun!" to a ride with Clemenza.
- Think good thoughts, she could surprise you.
- I guess.
People change, you know.
They do it every day.
I mean, one minute you could
be... oh, let?s say a vegetarian,
and the next minute you could accidentally
have a bite of a stuffed pork chop
- that changes your entire way of thinking.
- Sookie.
Oh, suddenly life?s fun, suddenly there?s a reason
to get up in the morning ? it?s called bacon!
- Forget it.
- Come on!
- Pasta.
- Let the people grow, dammit!
- Rory, hi, nice of you to join us.
- Francie, what...
No, I talk, okay? Great.
- Now let?s discuss Paris.
- What about her?
She seems to have the very strange idea
that she?s actually in charge around here,
and I thought it?d be good if I let
you in on a little secret... she?s not.
Why don?t you tell her this yourself?
Because talking to Paris is like
shopping for a bathing suit in December ?
frustrating, fruitless, and
a complete waste of time.
Now, you, you might be the wallflower, but you?re
obviously the Meyer Lansky behind this organization.
- I am not the Meyer Lansky.
- What?s that noise?
What is that noise? Oh wait, it?s me, still
talking. Didn?t you hear it? Obviously not.
Anyhow, Paris is student
body president ? big fat deal.
There are three other class presidents ? the junior
class president, the sophomore class president,
- and oh, yes, the senior class president: me.
- I know all this.
Well, then, it?s off the
short bus for you, isn?t it?
Now if Paris thinks she?s gonna march around
dictating mandates and ignoring what I have to say,
- then she?s in for a major bikini wax.
- Thanks for the visual.
Without me, she?s nothing.
Just another power mad, insecure,
friendless, dateless, highlight-less loser
wandering around trying to make someone care that
they exist at all, which, by the way, no one does.
I control the senior class. I
am also the leader of the Puffs,
the most exclusive
society on this campus,
- and I have the power to make her life a living hell.
- Francie, she?s just...
I can make sure she does nothing
this year but lead the student body
in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance
happens to be constitutional at the time.
What do you want me to do about it?
I want you to go back to Margaret
Thatcher and tell her to play ball.
She?s gonna support the hemline issue, and any
other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year.
Otherwise I?ll make her so ineffectual, she?ll make
Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen ? do you get me?
We?re supposed to be representing
the interests of the student body.
We are not supposed to be
brokering backdoor deals
and pushing through agendas
with intimidation and bribery.
- I mean, what are we, French skating judges?
- Wise up, Goldilocks.
- My hair?s brown.
- This is politics.
If you?ve got a problem,
tell it to Noam Chomsky.
I live in the real world, now blow.
Oh, and I would keep this
conversation between you and me.
Paris tends to get a little paranoid when
there?s other mammals at the watering hole,
so her finding out that you were conferring with
me might not make your vice presidency any easier.
I am not conferring with you. A hand
came out of the bathroom and pulled me in.
What are you talking
about? You sought me out
because you thought Paris
was a little out of line today
and you wanted to make sure my
very delicate feelings weren?t hurt.
You are so sweet to think of me. I feel
much better now that I have you on my side.
Bye now, see you at the hemster.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Ah, I came for the warmth.
Well, you?re just not usually
here this time of day, that?s all.
- Well, I?m meeting someone for lunch.
- Oh, Kirk?
- What?
- You?re meeting Kirk?
- Why would you say that?
- Well, I know he asked you out so I just assumed.
- How do you know he asked me out?
- He told me.
- He told you?
- Yesterday.
- Oh my God.
- Hey, relax, I think it?s great.
Why, why would he tell you?
- Well, actually, he came to me for a little advice.
- About what?
About whether or not I thought he had a shot with
you. After all, I know ya, I?ve been to your house,
- I know whether or not you have stain resistant rugs.
- I?m lying down now.
When he found out you had wood
floors, he seemed very pleased.
- Oh, Luke.
- I told him you like movies and junk food,
and of course, talking incessantly, but we both
agreed that there?s nothing like some good lovin?
to shut a person up,
if you know what I mean.
I?m sorry, can you bring me a sharper fork? I?m not
sure this one will go all the way through your hand.
Okay, now, I know it?s new so you probably don?t
wanna jinx it, so I won?t talk about it anymore.
But I have to tell you, seeing that guy?s
face when he was talking about you...
- he almost had an expression.
- Far, far away from me.
Love is in the air.
Why are you throwing
cutlery in a public place?
Uh, ?cause I feel
stupid doing it at home?
I?m sorry I?m late, there was
a little traffic on the way.
Perhaps had I been on time, there
would still be the possibility of soup.
I haven?t been here that long.
See, I still have a knife.
- I?m glad to hear it.
- So, you gonna sit?
Oh, yes, of course.
There we go. Well, this is nice.
You certainly can see the
whole town from here, can?t you?
- Yes, you can.
- I can see why you come here so much.
It must be fun to just
sit and people-watch.
Well, let?s see what
they?ve got, shall we?
- Oh, Caesar salad ? is that good here?
- I?m sure it is.
- You?ve never had it?
- No.
- Has Rory?
- No.
Oh. Well, Caesar salads can be
extremely unsafe if they use bad eggs.
- Get something else.
- Of course, if they?re coddled, it would be fine.
- Do you know if they coddle the eggs here?
- I have no idea.
You don?t know? You come here every day.
Why don?t you ask Luke
if they?re coddled?
Oh, he?ll just say they are. I?ll have
a Cobb salad. What are you going to have?
A Caesar salad with extra
uncoddled eggs on the side.
Really, Lorelai, would a serious
answer once in awhile kill you?
Sorry, Mom. Honestly,
I?m a little confused.
- About what?
- About this.
- What?s confusing? We?re having lunch.
- I know we?re having lunch,
but we don?t usually have lunch,
especially not in my town at Luke?s Diner.
I just figured you had to work,
it?d be easier on you this way.
- Okay, that?s fine, if I...
- You two ready to order?
Yes. How is your Caesar
salad dressing prepared?
I?ll have to call Paul
Newman and ask him.
A Cobb salad and an iced tea.
Cheeseburger, fries, onion
rings and a cherry coke.
- Any pie today?
- No thanks.
Cutting back a little, huh? Trying to look
good for the big day. Smart, very smart.
Make sure you check that
frying oil with your face.
- What was that all about?
- Ah, nothing, just a little small town charm.
Now, please, Mom, tell me ?
why did you ask me to lunch?
Because I wanted to spend some
time alone with my daughter.
- Mom.
- Well, Rory drops by after school every now
- and then, so we see her alone.
- Mom.
But we never see you alone... unless
Rory leaves the room for a second,
and even then you try to go with
her. If I had a nickel for every time
you?ve used the ?Girls always go to the bathroom
together, Mom? line, I?d be a very rich woman.
You are a very rich woman. Mom, please,
is this really a ?me and you? lunch?
- No hidden agenda?
- Of course not.
Okay, fine.
- I talked to Christopher.
- What?
I called him last week, we talked for a very long time,
and I have to tell you, he is not in love with that woman.
- Oh my God.
- He never came out and said it,
but I could tell from his voice. He
would much rather be with you and Rory.
- Are you out of your mind?
- I think you need to talk to him.
- And that would be a yes.
- All he needs is to hear that you want this, too.
Mom, what the hell are you
doing calling Christopher?
- Well, somebody had to.
- No, somebody didn?t have to!
Oh, I certainly wasn?t going to just
sit by and watch this situation explode.
You two belong together. It took
you years to figure that out,
and now that you finally have it, you can?t let
it go away just because of a little complication.
Mom, his girlfriend is pregnant ? that
is more than a little complication.
Women have gotten pregnant since
the beginning of time, Lorelai.
And before I result to the totally called
for duh, please tell me what your point it.
This woman is trying to trap him. Don?t
you see that? You can?t let that happen.
- Mom, this is none of your business.
- Yes, it is!
It affects Rory, it affects you
? both of whom are my business.
Do not get involved in
this, I mean it. Butt out!
Don?t call Christopher and talk
about me or us, just stay out of it!
- Where are you going?
- I have to get back to the inn.
Do not walk out on me.
Mom, I am not gonna discuss
this with you now or ever.
I would love for you to respect that but
I know you, so give Christopher my love.
A family life doesn?t just happen,
Lorelai. You have to work for it.
You have to fight for it.
Lorelai, come back here!
So as soon as she gets out of
intensive care, we?ll get her signature,
and then we can finally set about
hiring a new librarian. Anything else?
Yes. I was thinking that maybe this year we should
throw a little beginning of the school year dance.
- I mean, why wait until the tan fades to have a formal?
- Dances are distracting.
Dances help bring in money to pay for
those stupid topiaries you want in the quad.
Draft a proposal and have it on
my desk by tomorrow. Madeline?
I would like to explore the option
of having a professional photographer
take the senior class photos.
Every year we use that cheesy picture
place, and every year people wind up
with those VH1 ?Before They Were Stars? pictures,
and I for one would like to stop the humiliation now.
How are we going to get a
professional photographer?
- Helmett Newton is my godfather.
- Okay, sign him up...
and tell him to leave the whips and chains at home.
All right, I think that?s all we have time for today.
Excuse me, Paris? I was just wondering if
you had time to think about my proposal?
- What proposal?
- You know, the higher hemlines.
Oh right. No, not yet.
Okay, I guess I can wait... for awhile.
Patience is a virtue.
What do you think about Helmett
Newton being Louise?s godfather?
- Explains a lot, doesn?t it?
- Yeah.
Listen, I think it might be a good idea to
consider getting behind this hemline issue.
- You?re kidding, right?
- No.
I mean, if girls want the option of making their
skirts a little shorter, then who cares, right?
I care. I?m building
a legacy here, Rory.
You want the first stand I make against
the faculty to involve a fashion choice?
It would be my ?gays in the military. ?
I just think it would be really smart to establish
some goodwill among the other class presidents.
- Why?
- Because you have to work with them,
and you might even need their
support on something in the future.
And throwing them a tiny bone like
a hemline amendment is no big deal.
- I don?t know.
- Look, it?s right at the beginning of your term.
No one will even remember the
first stupid thing that you passed.
You have plenty of time to
establish your legacy. I mean it.
By the time that you implement public executions for
line cutters, hemlines will be a thing of the past.
- I was making a joke not a suggestion.
- Why do you care?
- What?
- Why do you care?
You seem very invested
in this whole thing ? why?
Hey, I?m not invested in this thing. If you don?t
wanna do it, fine. I?m just giving you my opinion.
I just thought you might wanna be one of those
presidents that?s beloved as well as respected.
Raising hemlines would make me beloved?
It?s certainly a step in that direction.
- All right, I?ll push it through.
- Good.
But the next genius who comes
up with the brilliant plan
to put Elizabeth Arden in the
chemistry class can bite my ass.
- I?m not going.
- You are going.
She has done this to
me for the last time.
>From now on, I?m not giving her
any information about my life at all.
As opposed to all the details
you?ve heaped upon her in the past.
I can?t believe she called Christopher. She has
no respect for me or my feelings or my privacy.
Well, she didn?t think of it that
way. She thought that she was helping.
You do know there isn?t
a Santa Claus, don?t you?
Please just try to forget this.
- I?m never ever going over there again.
- Not an option.
It should be. Sometimes you have
to cut people out of your life.
- She?s your mother.
- I want proof, I want tests done.
- Do you want your red purse or your blue?
- Blue.
Gee, I wonder who else she?s calling. She?s
probably on the phone to Kirk right now.
"I heard through my spies you?re taking my
daughter out to dinner. Let?s talk China patterns. "
God, I?m furious!
Don?t get that, it might be her.
Well, I doubt she?d call when we?re
supposed to be over in half an hour.
Hello? Hello?
- The answering machine confused him.
- Yeah.
- And that?s the guy who likes me.
- I?d consider adoption if I were you.
My life stinks. Hey, let?s
look into each other?s eyes
and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the
same time ? maybe we?ll pull a Freaky Friday!
Or we can just pretend that we did and
you can go around acting really immature.
- Oh wait...
- I can?t believe you won?t switch bodies with me.
Forget it. Then I?d have to date Kirk.
I would switch bodies with you
in a heartbeat if you wanted.
I know, and I appreciate that.
Lorelai, hi. I just called, I think
there might be a problem with your phone.
- Oh my God.
- I was just wondering...
- Let?s go.
- Hello?
- Mom?
- Who is this?
Mom, would you please
get off the phone? Mom?
- Is this Dr. Marshall?
- Mom, it?s an important phone call,
please hang up. I?ll call you back.
Oh, for heaven?s sake.
Hey, I don?t think
your doorbell?s working.
Believe me, it?s not the doorbell.
Oh, so it was the door.
Yes, Sarah, once again, it was the door.
Okay, so I just have to remember that the really
big bell is the door and the small one is the oven.
Yes, that would be a
wonderful thing to remember.
Okay, well, let?s
have a drink, shall we?
- So, Grandma, you have a new maid?
- Yes, I do.
Well, good thing we?re
in time for happy hour.
- Wine, Lorelai?
- Yeah, if there?s any left.
- Rory, soda or water?
- Soda please.
- How about water?
- Water?s fine, too.
- What?s up, Mom?
- Nothing.
- You seem tense.
- You always think I seem tense.
- But tonight you seem tenser than usual.
- Well, I?m not!
- Rory, tell me about school.
- Oh, okay...
- School?s good.
- Do you like student government?
- I think so.
- And your grades are still good?
- Yes.
- Do you take any sort of physical education?
Not this semester.
But eventually you will take
some sort of physical education?
- I?m not sure.
- But trust me...
the minute she decides to run after
a ball and take a public shower
with thirty other girls,
you are getting a call.
- Well, thank you.
- Dinner?s ready!
- Sarah, one minute please.
- Yeah?
I told you we eat dinner at seven...
and right now, it?s six-thirty.
Therefore, one could conclude that
maybe it?s just a tad early for dinner.
- Oh, I?m sorry, I...
- We want to eat at seven!
But the food?s ready now.
Okay, never mind, we?ll eat.
We?re eating. Up, up, let?s go.
It?s fine. It?s better ? then we
can all be in bed by nine. Sit down.
- Mom, tell us what is up right now.
- What is up with what?
With you, with her, with you and her.
Well, she?s new, Lorelai. She?s only been here
three days, she?s still getting the hang of things.
I think it?s only fair to
give the woman a chance.
Why are you staring at me?
Mom, you?ve had maids deported
who were better than her.
- I have not.
- Talk.
Your father made a crack the other day
about my not being able to keep a maid.
Of course, it?s a gross exaggeration.
Yes, I?ve had maids I haven?t liked,
but I?ve also had maids I?ve loved.
Name one.
- Daiha.
- Who?
- You remember, she took you shopping once.
- How old was I?
- I don?t know.
- Guess.
Four, five.
Mom, you haven?t liked a
maid since I was four or five?
I have liked a maid; you asked
me whom I loved. I loved Daiha.
- And whatever happened to Daiha?
- Oh, how should I know? But I loved her.
- Okay, so salad?
- Thank you, Sarah.
- Oops, big bell.
- Sarah, the salad! Sarah!
- Pass the wine, Lorelai.
- You want a straw with that?
- You?re enjoying this?
- Well... yeah.
- Lor, I need to talk to you.
- Chris, what are you doing here?
- You won?t return my calls!
- Did you do this?
- I knew you?d be here.
- I did not do this.
- You gave me no choice.
- After I told you to just stay out of it!
- Lorelai, I did not do this!
- You have to go.
I?m not going until you talk to me.
Christopher, Lorelai, come back here!
Why won?t you call me back?
Hey, there couldn?t be a worst
time to have this conversation.
Really, because it seems to be the
only time to have this conversation.
Look, go home, okay? I promise
I will talk to you tomorrow.
- Well, sure, I believe that.
- Hey, I?ve never lied to you.
- There?s no reason to doubt my word.
- Really?
- Forty-five unreturned phone calls
isn?t a reason? - No, it isn?t.
You shutting me out like this is wrong.
I?m not discussing this with
you here in my mother?s house.
You don?t get to dictate this. I need
to talk to you, you won?t call me back,
and I did what I had
to do. And I?m sorry ?
but after all we?ve been through,
especially over these last few months ?
you shutting me out is wrong. And you
know what hits me the hardest, Lor?
- Apparently it isn?t the door on your way out.
- You keeping Rory from me.
- What?
- I never, ever thought you?d do that.
- I?m not keeping Rory from you.
- Oh really?
Then why hasn?t she called me back, huh? I mean,
no matter where you and I have been in our lives,
my daughter has always
called me back ? until now.
- Hey, listen to me...
- I didn?t call you back
because I didn?t want to. Me ?
Mom had nothing to do with it.
- Okay, honey, calm down.
- You promised me.
You promised me at Sookie?s
wedding that this was going to work,
that you were going to
be there, you promised me.
- Honey, please understand...
- No, I always understand,
and I don?t wanna understand! I don?t even
really wanna talk about this right now.
I?ve got Mom, that?s all I
need. Go be somebody else?s dad!
- Don?t say that.
- I?m going upstairs. Call me when he?s gone.
- She did not get there by herself.
- Hey, have you ever met your daughter?
She could get anywhere by herself! She
could get to the third dimension by herself!
She was helping the crossing
guard when she was four.
- I?m going to talk to her.
- No, you?re not.
She wants to be alone and cool off.
Respect that. I?ll talk to her later.
You?ll talk to her, great. That
makes me feel a whole lot better.
Okay, you need to leave, right now.
- This isn?t right. She needs her father.
- I know she needs her father,
I?ve been telling her she needs her father!
But she feels like her father bailed on her
and she?s mad and hurt, and I
can?t change that in three minutes!
- Do you think I like this situation?
- Oh God.
Do you? I mean, after what
you and I had going and now ?
Chris, do you remember
why we?re here right now?
What event in your life caused this
very pleasant moment we?re sharing?
- That has nothing to do with this.
- Oh... it... what? Chris, man!
- What do you want from me?
- I wanna talk!
- About what?
- I don?t know. I just...
- I don?t like how things are.
- But that?s how they are!
- I didn?t want things to turn out this way!
- But they did turn out this way!
But I didn?t want that!
- Christopher, is Sherry still pregnant?
- Of course she is.
- Are you still with her?
- Yes.
- Are you gonna marry her?
- Yes.
- Then, honey, we are where we are! Accept it.
- I can?t.
Don?t you understand that I can?t talk to you
because it hurts talking to you, really hurts!
Standing here right now is killing
me, okay? Don?t you understand that?
- Christopher, I think you?d better go now.
- Emily, I...
Leave now, please.
You know, you need a mask
and a horse when you do that.
Something?s burning.
Chris?
Give it time.
- Well, now, that was a fun night.
- Yup.
- I haven?t had that much
fun since labor. - Ba-dum-bum.
But seriously, ladies
and gentlemen, is this on?
- I can?t believe he just came over.
- He misses you.
- He misses you.
- We?re very missable.
Honey, he loves you so much,
he didn?t mean to mess...
No, he never means to, but he does.
And I don?t care what he says or
does, I?m not going to this wedding.
- You don?t have to.
- Good.
But you might, at a later point in
your life, when you?re not so angry
and you make up with your dad, as we both know
you will, you might be sorry you missed it.
- It?s the wrong wedding.
- Ah, things happen for a reason.
- Since when is that your philosophy.
- Since now.
- By the way, I?m also a communist.
- Really?
- Yes, ?cause I look damn good in red.
- I?m starving.
- Really? Could it be ?cause dinner sucked?
- Could be.
- Let?s do mac and cheese.
- And tater tots
- And those little pizza rolls.
- Oh, and chili beef soup.
- After which we will install our own vomitorium.
- Okay, nix the soup.
And add some cake. Okay, let?s be
organized ? make it fast, make it snappy,
- and if there?s any impulse buying, make it chocolate.
- Aye aye, captain.
- Lorelai!
- Oh no.
- Go on in.
- Are you sure?
- I have to take care of this.
- Good luck.
Hey Kirk.
Lorelai, I know you haven?t made up your
mind yet, and I?m not here for an answer.
- I just need to know: are you allergic to tuna?
- Uh, no.
No, good. Thank you very much.
Kirk, I have made up my mind.
- You have?
- Yeah.
- Already?
- Yes.
- And it?s fully formed?
- Yes, it is.
- You don?t need any other information?
- No, I don?t.
- ?Cause I could have my mother call you if...
- Totally unnecessary.
Okay, well, then, go ahead.
I just got out of a really weird relationship,
and I know that sounds like a line, but it isn?t.
I?m just not... fully over the shock
of it yet, and I never wanna hurt you
because you?re my friend and I like you,
so I have to say no. I?m sorry.
Was the tuna inquiry too personal?
Oh, no, I thought it was very thoughtful
You?re sure you won?t
feel like it anytime soon?
Yeah, I?m sure.
Well, at least I asked.
Goodnight Lorelai.
- Doing a little shopping?
- Yes. Excuse me.
- Why the cold shoulder?
- No cold shoulder. I just have perishables here.
Oh yeah, you wanna get home
before that beefaroni goes bad.
My mom?s waiting for me.
- How was Washington?
- Fine.
- Do anything interesting?
- Nope.
- Okay.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- Anything interesting happen?
- This summer, I mean.
- Nope.
- Really?
- Really.
So nothing happened this summer, at all?
It was hot. Two weeks ago
there was a run on snowcones.
Machine broke, people went crazy, Taylor
tried to call in the National Guard, but...
- I?m not talking about snowcones.
- What are you talking about then?
Nothing.
- Her name?s Shane.
- As in ?come back??
- Yup.
- Well, great. That?s great.
- Really, it?s great.
- So I?ve heard.
- Well, it is.
- Are you upset about something?
- No.
- I mean, me and Shane...
What about you and Shane?
I don?t know, it didn?t exactly
bring a smile to your face.
Well, I?m still freaked out
about the, uh, snowcone machine.
- Okay.
- I could care less about you and Shane.
- Good.
- It just surprised me, that?s all.
- Why?
- Because.
- Because why?
- Because of what happened at Sookie?s wedding.
Yeah, so me coming back here and just seeing
you with Shane just kind of threw me for a sec.
I'm sorry, did I hear from
you at all this summer?
Did I just happen to miss the
thousands of phone calls you made to me,
or did the postman happen to lose
all those letters you wrote to me?
You kiss me, you tell me not to say
anything... very flattering, by the way.
You go off to
Washington... then nothing.
Then you come back here all put
out because I didn't just sit around
and wait for you like
Dean would've done?
And yeah, what about Dean?
Are you still with him?
'Cause last time I checked, you were, and
I haven't heard anything to the contrary.
Plus, the two of you walking around the
other day like some damn Andy Hardy movie.
Seemed to me like you?re
still pretty together.
I half expected you to break
into a barn and put on a show.
When did you see me with Dean?
At that stupid summer
insanity plea the town put on.
Oh, I?m surprised you could see anything
with Shane?s head plastered to your face.
- You didn?t answer me.
- About what?
- Did you call me at all?
- No.
- Did you send me a letter?
- No.
- Postcard?
- No.
- Smoke signal?
- Stop.
- A nice fruit basket?
- Enough!
Are you still with Dean?
Come on, Rory, yes or no
? are you still with Dean?
Yes, I?m still with Dean, yes!
- Glad to hear it.
- Glad to tell you.
- See you around.
- Whatever.
Right back at ya.
Hey, I was just gonna come in after you.
- You all done?
- Oh yeah, I?m done.