Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 3, Episode 17 - A Tale of Poes and Fire - full transcript

Okay, let's see.

Looks like Harvard definitely
has the smallest class sizes.

Okay, we've got our first entry here.

It's a pro for Harvard.

Whoa, those are not the
final official pro/con lists.

Why? What's wrong with them?

The lines are crooked,
the printing's all sloppy.

Harvard, Princeton and Yale
cannot see them looking like that.

They're not going to
see our pro/con lists.

What if they subpoena them?

Then I'll roll ?em up
in a ball and eat ?em.

Oh, a big pro for Yale ?

they have 1100 members
of the maintenance staff.

Clean, clean, clean.

All three of these places
probably have the same number.

But Yale must be crowing
about it for some reason.

Princeton might only have two.

- Two?
- Yeah.

You think there're a total of two
guys cleaning all of Princeton?

Write "Princeton's stinking
filthy" in big letters.

Yeah, I'm pretending
to write it as we speak.

Good morning, ladies. May
I interest you in a shirt?

Oh, Kirk. You're not selling
your laundry again, are ya?

No, these are part of my
latest money-making endeavor.

I'm going to print daily T-shirts
featuring a humorous topical headline

of something I witness around town.

Neat.

I got the idea when I read about
something a man was doing in Portland.

What was he doing?

He was printing daily T-shirts
featuring a humorous topical headline

of something he witnessed around town.

- Is that today's?
- Sure is.

"Babette ate oatmeal. "

- I'm keeping it real.
- It's good.

It paints a picture.

I can just see her... eating oatmeal.

They're $14.95. How many
can I put you down for?

No solicitors, Kirk.

How about if I cut you in
for a piece of the action?

How about I toss the
shirts out the door first

so you can have something to land on?

Got it.

What's with the lists?

You ready? My Rory, our
Rory, Stars Hollow's Rory...

got into Harvard, Princeton, and Yale.

Wow, I can't believe it.

I feel like I...

Oh, I'm not good at hugging.

Oh, I thought it worked.

Thanks. Man, this is big, right?

Very big.

But what's with all the pro/con lists?

That's how we make our important
decisions, you know that.

But you know what
it's gonna be, Harvard.

- Probably.
- But not necessarily.

But Harvard's all you've
talked about for years.

Who knew she'd be wanted by everyone?

Hey, which school best teaches how
to make an important life decision

without doing a stupid pro/con list?

Whichever one it is,
add it to the pro column.

Do not mock the sciencificity
of our selection process.

I've gotta head to school.

Hey, why go anymore? You're in college.

- Let's go truffle hunting or something.
- Maybe after I graduate.

All right, but if all the good truffles
are gone, don't say I didn't warn you.

Bye.

I can't believe how
great that is, all three.

They have good taste.

Well... you know, Jess also...

It's so tiny compared to
this, it's gonna sound dumb.

What? Tell me.

You know how Jess works at Wal-Mart.

Yes, I do.

It seems he was actually chosen

- Employee of the Month.
- Really?

I knew it would sound tiny.

No, Luke, that's not
tiny. That's really good.

Yeah. I mean, there's
probably hundreds of people

working at that branch,
and they singled him out.

Yeah, it shows he can work hard and
get along with people and all that.

You should be proud. Did
you tell him you're proud?

he didn't even tell me about it.

I got a letter addressed to
the family of Jess Mariano

inviting me down to some
little ceremony they're having.

- Are you going?
- Oh, he'd hate it if I was there.

You know, seeing him participating
in some corporate ceremony like that,

being called upstanding and
responsible, it would kill him.

- Yeah, I'm going.
- Good boy.

Hey Sookie, Sookie... where's Sookie?

Down here.

- Down where? Marco?
- Polo.

Why are you down there?

Papaya won't eat, so I'm
pretending to eat out of her bowl

so she'll copy me.

Sookie, you named the cat?

She looks like a Papaya, doesn't she?

But it's a stray.

You'll get close to it and it'll
wander off and you'll be sad.

I'm keeping my distance.

Come on, Papaya. Lap, lap...

All right, we're getting
you up here. Come on.

Oh boy, being a cat
is hard on the knees.

Since when are you a cat person?

Ever since I got pregnant,

I've become very nurturing
toward all living things.

Jackson, too.

Both your bodies are changing.

Yesterday... it was awful.

Jackson moved a table and just
kind of nicked this spider.

He didn't see the little thing,
and just clipped one of its legs.

And it was having trouble
walking and we were so upset,

but Jackson made a new leg
for it out of a paper clip,

but jamming the clip into the
spider killed it instantly.

Little Satchmo.

You named the spider Satchmo?

After Jackson's uncle.

I'm sure he'll be very touched.

- Maybe if I wore ears!
- What?

Papaya! Look at Mommy, I

Look at Mommy, look at Mommy.

Oh, is this everyone from
the Edgar Allen Poe Society?

If you mean the
I- should-be-sterilized-

so-that-my-disturbing-idiosyncrasies-aren't-passed-

onto-the-next-generation
society,

then yes, that's them.

Hi, welcome to the Independence Inn.

Thank you. We're Jim
and Milly Hatlestad.

Okay, I've got you right here.

Once again, welcome,

and let me assure you there
are no human body parts

buried in the floor of your room to
keep you awake tonight. Sound good?

I guess.

Room 8.

The Tell-Tale Heart. That's a
Poe story. Did they not get that?

The Hatlestads are not
with the Poe Society.

Why didn't you tell me that?

If I had thought to,
I still would not have.

Hi, my name is Larson, I'm checking in.

- Poe Society, right?
- That's me.

Good. Well, welcome to
the Independence Inn.

There will be a complimentary cask of
amontillado on the table in your room,

and if you're expecting your friends
Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether,

I'll send up another one.

You said you were with the Poe Society.

Yeah, but it's just a hobby.

- We're not Trekkies.
- No, no, I didn't mean to imply...

I mean, you're not freaks,
no way. Here, room six.

Thank you.

You might want to stop
trying to cute things up.

I hear that.

Hello sir.

Hello everybody. Hope you're
having a good day today.

You folks know we do this every month,

just a little get together to
honor our new Employee of the Month.

Nothing fancy, just a quick
?thanks' and a ?way to go. '

Oh, and there's two hundred bucks in it.

I think that's how we got our
honoree to even show up to this thing.

You know him as a
trooper, our Mr. Reliable.

The first time this young
man sat down on that forklift,

well, it was like an
extension of himself.

And yeah, he's not one for small talk,

but this boy's production
is out of sight.

It's Jess Mariano everybody.

Would you like to say anything Jess?

Nope.

That's our Jess.

Give him another hand
folks, and have a good one.

What are you doing here?

- I'm so proud of my boy.
- Stop it.

Do you have a tissue because
I think I'm gonna be emotional.

I mean it, stop, now.

It came with cash, it's
the only reason I'm here.

Don't forget the plaque.

You should hang that over your bed,
shine a little spotlight over it.

I gotta get back to work.

Yeah, the forklift's going
?where's the extension of me?'

Hey. Saw you jawboning
with our boy there.

- I'm Bill Borden.
- Luke Danes, I'm Jess' uncle.

- Nice meeting you.
- Yeah, so he's doing good, huh?

Wish I had a dozen more
Jesses. He's my go-to guy.

That's great to hear.

Works like a dog on his regular shift,

and if someone calls in
sick ? and they always do ?

Jess is there even if he's
already done forty hours that week.

Wow, I am so... forty hours?
He never works forty hours.

More like forty-five, that's what
I'm saying. Good boy, that one.

Wait, how is that possible? He's got
school, he works for me, it can't be forty.

Well, I can't say I
sign every time card,

but I'm pretty sure it's at least that.

- Maybe I'm mistaken.
- Yeah, maybe.

Oh, thought you might like
this. A little keepsake for ya.

Great, thanks.

Then this ebony bird beguiling
my sad fancy into smiling,

by the grave and stern decorum
of the countenance it wore,

"Though thy crest be shorn
and shaven, thou," I said,

"art sure no craven. "

That Poe was downright funalicious.

He was a troubled man.

He enjoyed a little bit
too much of the hmm-hmm.

Mime?

You know what I meant.

Oh, mime. That reminds me ?

Yale, best drama school bar none.

Put that in the pro column.

I'm not taking drama.

No, but it means you'll have
the best on-campus productions.

You'll get to see the next Meryl
Streep all goofy and eighteen

and doing crap like,
"Hey, name an occupation!"

"Plumber!" "Name a farm tool now!"

"Tractor!" "Hey, I'm a
tractor doing... plumbing. "

That's what the do at
the Yale drama school?

So I've heard. Oh, that's weird.

- What?
- Over there.

- A second Poe?
- It's like a Poe story in itself.

- The Case of the Two Poes.
- The Messrs Poe and Poe.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, hey, there's Dean. Hey, is that...

That's Lindsay.

Oh, I think she's ready
to go to the ghetto on you.

Well, I don't have a problem with her.

She's really nice.

And, you know, once she...

Bought you a magnet shaped
like Mark Twain's head?

Yes, I've heard the anecdote.

Sorry.

I think she should just mellow.

I mean, you've both moved
on. What's the problem?

But the raven, sitting
lonely on the placid bust,

spoke only that one word...

I don't remember The
Raven being this long.

It could've used some editing.

Oh, hey, did you put drama
school on the Yale pro list?

- Nope.
- Come on, do it, we'll forget.

- I don't have a pen.
- Aw, jeez.

- Hey, psst. Hi, Nicole.
- Hi, Lorelai.

Hey, how long is this thing?

He's got at least five nevermores to go.

Ah, jeez.

- Do you got a pen?
- No.

- Come on, cough it up.
- I don't have a pen.

You've got a restaurant. Where's
the pen you take orders with?

I wasn't anticipating taking
orders at the Poe reading.

There goes your Boy Scout badge.

Mom.

Take thy beak from out
my heart, and take thy...

Busted by a Poe.

Hope he doesn't put a curse on us.

Or complain when he goes back to
being Fred Larson, Tampa dentist.

Hey, Lorelai.

Oh, you're an angel, thanks.

- I'll need it back.
- Yeah, sure.

Looks like Nicole's got a
little Lindsay attitude going.

Not really. Really?

Hey, how many nevermores
do you think he's got to go?

We're guessing four.

Poor Edgar Allen Poe,
he suffered so much.

And now we gotta suffer along with him.

Yale drama, got it.

Rory, why do you waste your
time on those pro/con lists?

It's going to be
Harvard, we all know it.

- I know.
- If the list says it is.

Right.

When you were six and
took my cheerleading class,

you wouldn't even cheer for
any other school than Harvard.

That's true. That is true.

Then the list will reflect it.

And my soul from out that shadow

that lies floating on the
floor shall be lifted...

nevermore.

- Excellent. Bravo, bravo.
- Very nice.

That was wonderful, wasn't it?

Thank you very much for that rendition.

Thank you.

What's with the Poes?

They look upset.

- Wanna hear the scoop?
- Please.

I was here when they both arrived.

They got their signals crossed.

They were supposed to
perform different things,

they both came to do The Raven.

If the Poes start fighting,

does that punch a hole in
the space/time continuum?

And throw us into a
universe where everything

is the exact opposite
of what it is here?

Cool. There'll be funny sitcoms there.

Ladies and gentlemen, we
have a special treat for you.

It'll allow you to compare and contrast
interpretations of Poe's most famous work.

Oh no.

- Compare and contrast?
- That can only mean...

Please enjoy this second
recitation of The Raven.

- Do we bolt?
- Do we dare?

At least if I'd brought a flask, we
could've played the nevermore drinking game.

Oh, maybe this is what
drove Poe to the bottle.

His own work.

Once upon a midnight dreary

while I pondered weak and weary,

over many a quaint and curious
volume of forgotten lore,

while I nodded, nearly napping...

Weird vibe in here.

- Very Poe.
- Very Poe.

Well, that was pretty good.

Oh, come on. You can't do
that thing where you complain,

then when you walk out you reassess based
on the relief you're feeling that it's over.

I was able to compare and
contrast between readings.

I was able to nap for twenty minutes.

- Good evening, ladies.
- Oh, hi Poe.

- Good job in there.
- I thank you.

Young miss, do correct
me, but I heard tell

that you are considering
attending Harvard University.

- I am.
- I myself attended West Point.

I'm embarrassed to say that I was
court-martialed in 1832 and forced to leave.

Excuse me, but I was expelled
from West Point in 1831, not 1832.

No, I do believe it was
1832. It was an election year.

It was not an election year.

President Jackson was
to serve five more years

I'm sure it was '32. I'm sad to say

it was the same year my older
brother William passed away.

Okay, that's not right either, Fred.

Fred? I don't know
this Fred you speak of.

Oh, knock it off. I'm tired.

- Will you excuse me?
- Yeah.

Poes are very testy people.

I've got your latest topical
T- shirts here, people.

Brand new topical T-shirts for sale.

What's this one say?

- "Faux Poes foes. "
- Very clever, Kirk.

It was an inspiration.

But they're not selling much better
than the "Babette ate oatmeal" shirts.

Keep the dream, Kirk.

Hey guys.

Oh, hi. Mom, this is Lindsay.

The Mark Twain magnet-head girl!

The what?

You don't know the
anecdote? You're the star.

- The anecdote?
- It's nothing, really.

It's the field trip we took to Mark
Twain's house in the fourth grade,

and I wanted this magnet and you lent
me the money and I got the magnet.

She usually tells it better.

I kinda remember.

So, congratulations on Harvard.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

I got into Southern Connecticut State.

- Oh, that's great.
- It is. That's great, Dean.

You're... wow.

- Yeah, thanks.
- I've gotta get home.

And I gotta take her,
so I'll see you guys.

- See ya.
- Bye.

So you say she was nice?

Was, I guess, being the operative word.

So are we going?

No, you go on ahead, I'll catch up.

Okay. Try and make it home
in time for Charlie Rose.

Billy Joel's on, and he
might cry or something.

So, how was Jess' Employee
of the Month thing?

- Oh, it was okay.
- Just okay?

- There was punch.
- So the punch wasn't good?

No, it was just... the
manager came up afterwards

when Jess was gone and
he was talking about

how Jess is working forty,
forty-five hours a week.

- What? That's full time.
- That's what I said.

How does he swing it?

He must be pulling double shifts on
the weekends. It's all I can think of.

No, he's pretty much duding
it with Rory on the weekends.

Then he must be getting up super
early on weekday mornings and going in.

Have you ever seen him do that?

No, but I don't trail him either.

Yeah, but you sleep in
the same room with him.

Oh, the manager must be getting
Jess confused with somebody else.

- Or...
- Or what?

- I don't wanna say, forget it.
- No, say it, go ahead.

Or he's working when
he should be in school.

- Impossible, no way.
- Why?

Because he knows the rules ? he's
gotta graduate to stay living with me.

He's going, he's getting everything
done, he's doing his work.

You've seen this work he's doing?

Not for awhile, but I
just know that he is.

No, no way he's cutting
school, it's suicide, no way.

- I shouldn't have brought it up.
- Ah, that's okay.

- Okay.
- Goodnight.

Say, how can I have a career as a Poe?

It's not a career, this is
just an event that we do.

I write technical manuals for a living.

Yes, but how can I
have a career as a Poe?

Mom. Mom, wake up.

What?

Mom, it's Tobin at the
inn, something's wrong.

What's wrong?

The fire alarm's going off.

That stupid alarm.
It's always doing that.

Tell him if he doesn't smell smoke,
to reset it, and tell him he's fired

and I'm gonna kick his ass
around the lobby for waking me up.

He sounds freaked.

Tobin, what?

Oh my God...

Okay. Get dressed.

- What is it?
- Get dressed, get dressed.

We've got the first
engine laddering the roof,

first engine. Yeah, and we
need PD for traffic control.

- Ah, Lorelai, thank God.
- Hey, what's going on?

- This is Lorelai Gilmore.
- What's going on?

- In a minute, ma'am.
- Yeah, Mom, let him do his thing.

You're right. Sookie,
Michel, is everyone out?

- Yes.
- Are you sure?

- Yes.
- Yes. We're sure,

the fire department's
sure, we did a head count.

We need to double check, triple check.

Julio! He doesn't start ?til six
but sometimes he comes here early

because his sister-in-law Rita gives him
a ride on her way to work in Salisbury.

Ah, Julio. Ah, I'm so glad
to see you, you beautiful man.

- Ma'am, I'm Chief Baker.
- Oh, I'm sorry I jumped on ya.

That's okay. The good news
is that this is almost out.

The structure's stable, and
you're probably gonna be able

to get back in in about 24 hours.

Excellent. Twenty-four hours,
the structure's stable, thank you.

That's okay.

The statue of you is going up
just as soon as we get back in.

- Eighty feet tall.
- I'm looking forward to it.

- Here we go guys, phase two.
- Loving the pace here.

We need food, we need
computers with Internet,

we need phones. Michel,
I need this on you stat.

Hurry, hurry.

- Rory?
- Yeah?

Help the guests with the kids,
make sure they're not freaked out.

Gather them up and entertain them for
awhile so the adults can catch their breath.

Right. I have never entertained
kids ? how do I do that?

Take your socks off
and do a puppet show.

You've clearly never
entertained kids either.

It's all I can think of. Get cracking.

Yes, ma'am.

Hi everybody. Good morning, and whoa,

talk about your change of plans here.

Unfortunately, you can't get
your stuff out for at least a day.

However, if you wanna
get home immediately,

we will check planes,
trains, whatever you need.

We will send your stuff to
you later as soon as we get it.

But if you can't get home yet, we will
provide everything short of anything illegal,

and that's gonna start with the
best breakfast of your lives.

Sookie, go to the market and get whatever
food and supplies we need for breakfast.

Going.

- Hey, who are you on with?
- The Cheshire Cat Inn.

Ah, great, find people
places to sleep. Excellent.

Yes, my name is Michel Gerard, I
used to work at the Independence Inn

and I was wondering if there
were any positions available.

Phones, computer, I'm on it.

- Morning.
- What, what is this?

- Phase two.
- Phase two?

Into the back, guys. March!

Hold on, those guys can't go back there.

Oh, we're in luck, lots of empty
tables. Go on and take your seats, guys.

- Lorelai, what is this?
- We had a fire.

- Fire, where?
- Weston's Bakery.

- You're kidding.
- They'll have fresh blueberries.

Perfect. Weston's, hurry.

Where... Weston's caught fire?

- No, the inn.
- Your inn?

Just move all of Luke's
stuff aside, we don't need it.

Hey, wait a minute.

Everyone's fine, the inn's still
standing, we're into phase two.

- What is phase two?
- Just shove it aside.

- What are you doing?
- Making breakfast.

You can't make breakfast here.

Got any plates that aren't cracked?

You're the one that's cracked.

Nice thing to say to a pregnant woman.

You're pregnant?

Could you be any farther behind?

Yo, Caesar, help my guys and
there's a twenty in it for you.

We both can't be making
different stuff at the same time.

You know, you're right.

Listen, all you people who
were here before we invaded,

are you willing to
cancel your current orders

for Sookie's famous
blueberry-lemon pancakes,

Belgian waffles or bananas foster?

- Sure.
- Sounds good.

Okay, pull all of Luke's stuff off
the grill and let's get cooking!

I'm an island.

Luke, I'm sorry about all this,

but I'm not anticipating the
inn catching fire ever again,

so it's a one time only thing, okay?

- Like I have a choice?
- You do.

Say the word and we go.

Stay, cook, eat. I'll be upstairs.

You're a doll.

No, get rid of it! Dump it,
dump it! I don't wanna see it!

"Where are you going? I told
you to take out the garbage!"

"Nag, nag, nag. I wanna watch football
and sit in my reclining chair. "

"Get back here or I'm gonna get you... "

Oh, hey, guys, hold on a second.

No, keep going.

Oh, calm down there, little
scooter. I'll be right back.

Hey Shari Lewis, how's the show going?

- Oh, they're riveted.
- Good.

Yeah, but I stink. I keep repeating
the same stuff over and over again.

Must be working.

But I named them Mr.
and Mrs. Sock Puppet.

- I put no energy into this.
- Come back, Rory.

You would think that a lame-o sock
puppet show would bore them to tears.

It's your narrative skills. I mean,
is he gonna take the garbage out,

is he not gonna take the garbage
out? I'm on the edge of my seat.

Yeah, but they won't let me stop and
I have to get to school eventually.

Okay. Hey, guys, go on over to the diner

and have breakfast with your families,

and then ask the nice
man in the baseball hat

and the flannel shirt to
do sock puppets for you.

And if he says no, just ask him
louder ? it's part of the game!

- Oh boy!
- Go!

You're cruel and they love you.

Come check in at Patty's with me.

I love computers, I just
know nothing about ?em.

What does pushing that F3 button do?

Annoy me to no end.

What about the F4?

Hello, this is the Independence
Inn emergency headquarters.

I'm Miss patty, I'll
be assisting you today.

How may I help you?

The printer will be here in
half an hour, I'll let him know.

Thank you. Goodbye. The printer will...

I heard, and you've got
to shorten your greeting.

What?

You do not need to recite
the Gettysburg Address

every time you answer the phone.

I was Ricardo Montalban's
receptionist for six months

- and he never complained.
- Who?

Don't make me hit you.

You all set up here?

Computer with Internet, phones
forwarded here, printer on the way.

- I'm the receptionist.
- And I'm learning the computer.

And I'm looking for my cyanide
capsule ? have you seen it?

It's nice of you to help guys, thanks.

Now, at least half the Poe group
needs to stay another night,

so we're gonna need to
find places to put them up.

Everything is booked.

You checked the Cheshire
Cat, the Maiden's Teacup,

the Cookie House, the Sugarbear Inn?

Every place that sounds like Glinda the
Good Witch threw up, yes ? all booked.

Then, we're gonna
have to take people in.

I can take a couple in, sweetie.

I can, too. We got cots.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, we got cots.

- Great. Michel?
- Forget it.

The Poes are weird. I'd fear
being killed in my sleep.

Plus, I don't like
strangers using my toilet.

I bet the Kims could put
people up. And Taylor. And Al.

And we've got our couch and my room.

Nope.

What?

They can have my room, not yours.

- No, hon, mine's fine.
- Mom, no, mine.

You are stressed out enough
without losing your room.

You need your rest, so
you keep your bed, period.

I'll look selfish.

If anyone calls you that,
I'll kick their sorry butts.

Okay, your room under protest.

Hey Michel, I just hit F4

and the num lock key and the
one with the little apple on it

and it's freaking out like
it's on acid or something.

Oy vey.

I got it.

Yeah?

You need to say more than that.

Make up your mind.

I've gotta go, but page me if
there's any news or anything.

Okay. You mean, like
if Michel kills Babette

and then Patty then himself in a
bizarre murder-murder-suicide pact?

Amongst other things.

- We had a fire.
- I know.

Bye.

It'll be the last midterm
of your high school careers,

so rejoice over that if nothing else.

Now, before you go, I just
wanna mention that it looks

like another banner year for
Chilton grads seeking top colleges.

I wanna congratulate all
of those who have heard

and advise patience for
all of you who have not.

No one has escaped from Chilton without
going onto another terrific school

if that is his or her goal.

Good to hear.

And I know that at least one of
you has been accepted to Harvard.

It's an immense honor,
that. Congratulations.

Have you guys heard from Paris?

- Heard what?
- Anything?

She's not here?

She's been gone for five days.

Didn't notice.

Although, it did seem like
there was a lot more air in here.

Come back for the tray later, Nanny.

It's not Nanny, Paris.
It's Rory. Can I come in?

I guess.

Hi. I brought a bunch of school
stuff from the past few days.

If there's anything missing,
I can bring it over later.

Thank you.

No offense, but my soap's starting.

So, you're sick, huh?

You know what's wrong.

You of all people.

That's Martin. His
sister-in-law got kidnapped

and he thinks his former
lover is behind it.

Juicy.

So, don't you have an announcement?

What do you mean?

Did you get in?

- You know, we don't have to...
- I know you did.

You've got that Harvard glow
about you, the glow of destiny.

- Paris.
- Just tell me.

I got in.

Amanda and Richard. I'm so over them.

So you've been incommunicado lately.

I've had Nanny hold all
my calls, and the mail.

My parents are away, so I've
been totally Howard Hughes-ing it.

- So did you tell them about Harvard?
- No.

- Don't you think you should?
- No.

- Well, don't you think they'll find out?
- How?

You not moving out might be a tip-off.

I'll get an apartment in
Cambridge, buy a Harvard sweatshirt,

talk about Mira Sorvino
a lot. It's doable.

I did tell my mother about
having sex with Jamie,

and her only reaction was
to talk about how my father

hasn't pleased her in fifteen years.

- Yikes.
- Like I couldn't tell.

And what's going on with your boyfriend?

I haven't called him either.

So the only people in your life
right now work at General Hospital?

This isn't General Hospital. I
don't deserve General Hospital.

Okay, you've got to stop doing this.

What happened? Harvard was my destiny.

I was flipping through Harvard class
schedules when you were still delighting

to The Adventures of Gumby and Pokie.

I was more of a Pee
Wee Herman kind of gal.

It's partly my parents' fault,
they didn't brand me properly.

I should've been at the 92nd
Street Y or Brick Church.

- Prep schools? - Pre-schools.
It decides everything.

But I'm not totally blameless.

I found a spot in my interview
that I'm sure doomed me.

You recorded your Harvard interview?

The plan was to archive everything,

then donate it to the
university upon my demise.

Little did I expect that my
demise would come this early.

...shouldn't even
be taken into account.

This dovetails nicely into my
feelings about population control.

It's a little hot in here,
can we do something about that?

Anyway, population control has
been dramatically successful

in most European countries to the
detriment of some, especially Italy,

- which is experiencing a marked drop...
- Do you think this has

- anything to do with...
- just let me finish my thought here.

- But Paris...
- Please!

Well, you said please,
that's very polite.

I sound like a meth addict.

I might as well record the new
Justin Timberlake over this.

I hate that you're torturing
yourself like this, in bed like this.

Proust wrote all three thousand pages
of In Search of Lost Time in bed.

If it's good enough for him.

Bed is not a life plan, and you, my
friend, need a life plan, so here it is.

You need to tell your
parents about Harvard.

You need to start
taking calls from people.

You need to check the mail so that you
can see the other millions of universities

that have no doubt accepted you

and that are probably dying to
be in the Paris Gellar business.

You need to call your boyfriend back
because he's going to be worried about you

and because none of this is his fault,

and you need to start by
getting the hell out of bed.

You did not just say "be in
the Paris Gellar business. "

You know what I meant.

There is no alternative to Harvard.

Except Princeton, Yale,
Columbia, Stanford,

Sarah Lawrence, et cetera, et cetera.

Well, maybe you're right.

I'm unquestionably right.

But I'm not jumping up this second.

You don't have to rush it.

And I'm going to have
to keep watching this,

at least until Adriana's wrongful conviction
for aggravated assault is overturned.

- I understand.
- Thanks.

You've got your remote,
your water, your comic books.

Looks like we've got you
all set up here, Fred Junior.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, ma'am. You make
me feel old. Stop it.

- Yes, ma'am.
- No, I mean it, stop it.

Okay.

I think we're out of toothpaste.

Oh, sorry, Fred. Below the
sink there's plenty more.

Oh, thank you. This is kind of fun.

Oh, it's fun having you guys.

I would've done that.

- I feel weird now.
- Why?

About other people sleeping in my bed.

Oh, honey, don't worry. Fred
and his wife don't seem...

Don't seem what?

Like they're feeling extremely romantic.

Oh, God, that didn't even cross my mind.

You're kidding! That's
all I would've thought of.

I'm thinking about it
now, thank you very much.

Got all your stuff for Lane's?

Yeah, it wasn't a hard packing job.

Wow, these have really changed.

What have?

The pro/con lists. In all the
hubbub, they slipped my mind.

Yale.

- What about it?
- Yale.

- What do you mean?
- Yale.

Stop saying Yale.

It has double the pros of the other two.

I wouldn't say double.

Triple over filthy, dirty
Princeton. It's kicking butt.

But I'm not done collecting my data yet.

You have a document the length
of Nicholas Nickleby here.

- Looks like you're done.
- But...

What?

- Look at my wall.
- So?

So that wall says something.

Yeah, it says the Harvard
merchandising department

made a nice chunk of change off of us.

But how can I go to Yale with
my wall looking like this?

It's a wall.

Look, honey, Luke was right.

The pro/con lists have to
come to an end eventually.

But Luke also reminded us that
it was supposed to be Harvard

regardless of a list.
Everyone thinks that.

I don't. I don't.

I know I'm the one who said
no to Yale loudly and a lot,

but not anymore. Really,
I just want what's right.

I know, but it has to
be right for both of us.

If it's right for you,
it's really right for me.

But I don't want you to
hate the place I'm going.

Never.

Oh. Are you not ready for us yet?

Oh, no, we're ready for you, Fred.

- We hate to put you out.
- No, it's perfectly okay.

I'm guessing you two are
gonna fall sound asleep

the minute your heads hit that pillow.

Oh yeah, we're exhausted.

Have a good night.

Yeah, guys, yell if you need anything.

I don't wanna hear you
yelling for any other reason.

Ah. So where's Jess tonight?

Working.

He works a lot, doesn't he?

- He's saving a lot, too.
- Good.

He wants a better car. The
one he's got keeps stalling.

And he's still working
at Luke's, too, right?

So is he down to part-time at school?

What do you mean?

Getting work credit or something?

- No, he's going full time.
- Oh yeah?

Why do you say that?

I don't know. It's just,
Wal-Mart, working at Luke's,

squiring you around town... it just seems
like a lot of his time's accounted for.

That's crazy. He's a senior,
he's going to school full time.

- Just wondering.
- Rest.

I'll try.

And don't start the sock
puppets with Fred Junior

or he'll never let you stop. Bye.

Bye.

Excitement here never
stops, Fred Junior.

Hi there.

The Hatlestads, hi. I
thought you went home.

Well, breakfast was so
great and the town's so nice,

and you made staying over sound so fun,

that we decided to take you up on it.

- Is that okay?
- It's more than okay.

Come on in, ?cause you're staying here.

Thank you.

Your bedroom's right
upstairs, you can't miss it.

Terrific, thanks.

How much room you take up on
that couch there, Fred Junior?

- Pretty much all of it.
- That's what I figured.

So, who do you have
staying in your room?

The second Poe and his wife.

For your sake, I hope
they are very, very tired.

Why?

Nothing. I shouldn't have said anything.

- Hello?
- I'm a nomad.

What?

I am the lonely wanderer.

Hank Williams would be too
sad to write a song about me.

Where are you?

I'm a Bedouin. I'm homeless!

Okay, stop with that. Where are you?

I'm walking aimlessly around town.

Why?

- The Hatlestads showed up.
- But they went home.

Apparently I made the whole emergency
fire accommodations sound so fun

- that they had second thoughts.
- You're a terrific salesman.

And a terrific idiot.

So where are you right this second?

Oh, I'm in the middle of the
street, a. k.a. my bedroom.

Mom.

I'm by the school, Luke's, that area.

Luke's, good. Go there.

- It's closed.
- But Luke is upstairs.

- Ask him if you can stay.
- But...

I bet the answer's yes.

He'll make me eat a veggie burger!

- Get moving.
- Fine. Bye.

Bye.

Luke!

Luke!

Stella!

Who is that?

Lorelai.

What are you doing down there?

Enjoying some air, getting
some exercise, and freezing.

Well, go home.

Home? I have no home. Hunted, despised.

What?

It's from Ed Wood, the movie.

Have you gone bonkers?

People are bunking at my place
and I need somewhere to stay.

And it just occurred to
you now to look for a place?

The stupid Hatlestads showed up.

Who?

Pipe down out there!

Go back to bed, Mrs. Slutsky!

Don't talk to me that way, young man!

- Throw your keys down.
- I will not!

No, Luke, Mrs. Slutsky.

I'll just come down.

- Do something!
- Ditto.

- I'm coming down.
- Okay.

My inn caught fire.

Hurry, Luke.

No, Young Chui, it was
right to break up with her.

Why stay in a relationship
when it's not going anywhere?

Life's too short, exactly...

No, I told you a joke last night, I need
more time to come up with another one...

Look, it's getting late. I got my
math test tomorrow, I better go...

Yeah, I'll call you to tell
you how it went... Okay, night.

So Young Chui and his
girlfriend are broken up, huh?

Yeah, and good riddance.
She was very waspy.

What about you and Young
Chui? Are you broken up?

No, my mom still thinks we're
the perfect young Korean couple.

Weren't you supposed
to be broken up by now?

Yeah, but Young Chui
thinks it isn't time yet.

Why? This is a fake relationship.
You were never really going out.

I don't know. I bring it up every
night and he just changes the subject.

You talk every night?

Pretty much. He's a
little needy right now.

That's a lot of talking.

- Well, we're friends.
- Just friends?

What are you getting at?

Just that he's calling you every night
and he keeps putting off your break-up,

so God knows when you'll be
able to date Dave Rygalski.

He's asking you to tell him jokes and to
let him know how your math test went...

So?

So... it sounds like
he's in love with you.

No. No. Young Chui is
not in love with me.

And it's not for you to take an innocent
friendship like Young Chui and I have,

with its air of innocence
and its... innocence.

Oh my God, he loves me.

That stupid boy's
fallen in love with me!

It's not stupid. You're a catch.

But not his catch, I'm Dave's
catch. I've already been caught.

You probably need to be more direct.

That fool. And I can't break up with him

or my mom will never let me
date. It's gotta come from him.

What do I do?

Just a second?

- Bizarro day, huh?
- Wouldn't wanna repeat it.

- The inn's still closed?
- Just ?til tomorrow.

What caused it?

They're not sure. Something
electrical, probably.

That's usually the culprit.

- Something the matter?
- No.

Good.

- So how was school?
- Same ol', same ol'.

You're still doing okay?

Doing my reading,
writing, and arithmetic.

And you're still going, right?

What? Where's this coming from?

- There's been speculation.
- From who?

My mom asked whether you're
going full time to school.

- Your mom?
- Yeah.

Why's she so interested?

Because you're dating her daughter.

Oh, great, what else
does she think I did?

Start the fire, put
Phil Spector up to it?

I told her yes, you were going.

As they say on the
Family Feud, good answer.

- So, I didn't lie to her?
- No.

No?

Look, don't worry, I
got it under control.

- Jess.
- I'm going enough.

I've been picking up some extra
shifts here and there, but I'm fine.

It's Mickey Mouse stuff anyway.

What it takes the others hours
to learn, it takes me minutes.

- Well, if you're behind...
- I'm not behind.

But if you get behind,
I can help you catch up.

Got it covered.

- If you say so.
- I do.

Okay.

So how ?bout you come out?

What's this?

He was just leaving, Mama.

Why is he here at all?

He came to borrow something.

Here.

Thank you.

- Baseball bat?
- Cricket.

Night.

Oh, don't do that.

Don't do what?

Don't pull the sheet back after I
pull it. I need more for this side.

- You pulled it back again.
- Okay, I need it for my side.

- I need it to tuck in.
- Same here.

- I always tuck it in on this side.
- Let's tuck it in on both sides.

You tuck a bed in on both sides?

Yes, and then I slip down into it like
I'm in a straitjacket or something.

Oh, you must feel right at home there.

I so set you up for that.

Fine, tuck it in on your side.

You know, I really
should take the couch.

Me taking the bed doesn't feel right.

- Oh, now, come on.
- What?

You browbeat me into giving you the bed

and pretending you don't
want it now isn't working.

I'm pretending to try to be polite.

I'm fine with the couch.
You're the one that's exhausted.

You know, I'm actually not.

- Really?
- I'm, like, strangely exhilarated.

I mean, as awful as
what happened today was,

I'm happy with how I handled it.

You know, you never know how
you're gonna react in situations

like this until something happens
and I think I did pretty well.

Yeah, I do, too.

Hello?

Hey, Nicole, hi...

Yeah, I'm good...

Oh, not much. There was a fire
at the local inn out here and...

Yeah, the one she works at, yeah...

Everybody's fine.

Yeah, just a lot of chaos for awhile.

So how was your thing today?

All right, fill me in tomorrow...

Seven's good...

Okay...

Okay, yeah... Goodnight.

That was Nicole.

So I heard. Why didn't
you tell her I was here?

Didn't come up.

You mean, she didn't
out of the clear blue

and for no reason ask you
if I was sleeping over?

Just didn't seem necessary.

You have nothing to hide here.
You just took in a refugee.

I know there's nothing
to hide. It's just that...

- you've kinda become a...
- Become what?

A sore point with me and Nicole.

What, how?

On our first date, I
was a little nervous

and I wasn't having any
luck coming up with topics,

so I was just kinda blabbing a lot.

And then she ordered
extra fries at dinner,

so it reminded me of you and I told her
a quick story about you and French fries,

and that seemed fine. And then later,
she ordered a third cup of coffee...

Oh, Luke.

And I mentioned you
and your coffee thing,

and I noticed that Nicole
kind of reacted a little,

and ever since then, she's been
a little sensitive to the issue.

Of course she is, Luke.

You don't talk about another
woman on a first date.

Even if it's just a friend?

- They don't exist.
- Come on.

Not on a first date.

No other women exist on a
first date, not even my mother?

Do you really think talking about
your mother on a first date is wise?

Not really.

You can maybe mention a sister, maybe.

And then you move on
really, really quickly.

This is why I hate dating.

Unless you wanna be
Mountain Man all your life,

you've got to abide by
the rules and customs.

Sorry, I have to get
up super early tomorrow.

- No problem. What time?
- Six.

I get up at quarter
to five every morning.

Why in the world would
you get up that early?

I don't know, to run my business?

Well, change businesses.

- Ooh, wow, total d?j? vu.
- Really?

It's the alarm clock.

I had a dream once that you set
eighteen alarm clocks to get me up,

which is not a bad way to get me up.

Where were we?

We were at my house.

I got up, I went downstairs for coffee,

and you talked to my stomach.

Why on earth I do that?

Because I was pregnant.

- Twins.
- Mine?

What am I, dream tramp? Of course yours.

We were married?

Yeah.

- Did I not mention that?
- No.

You know, you shouldn't drink
coffee when you're pregnant.

True.

It's probably why
Rory's a caffeine addict.

Right, you're right.

Dream go beyond that?

No. Yyou talked to my
stomach and then you ki...

- Well, no.
- Oh, okay. Well...

- Night.
- Yeah, night.

Luke and Sookie have worked things out.

There does seem to be a
grudging respect thing going on.

Get the ricotta fritters started,
guys. I wanna serve those first.

We making the Cajun Eggs Benedict again?

- I don't know, we could.
- Let's do it, it was good.

The Cajun was all your doing.

Only because I knocked the cayenne
pepper into your hollandaise.

How do you think they
invented the Reese's cup

and penicillin, my friend?
We can win the Nobel here.

- Morning.
- You're up early.

Gotta catch me that worm. See ya.

- Where you off to?
- School.

- This early?
- I got a lab project going on.

Me and my team are meeting early.

Have a good day.

If I have a choice.

Good morning.

- Talk to you later.
- Later.

By the way, your boyfriend snores.

Didn't need to know that.

Hello...

It is?...

I love you, I love you...

Thanks.

We're open.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I
have your attention please.

That was just Chief Baker
on the phone who told me

in that deep sexy voice of his
that the inn is officially reopened.

Right now it's just me and the
staffers, but soon, very soon,

you will have your stuff
back and you can go home.

Thank you, Lorelai.
Listen, from our group,

we want to give you this.

Oh, well, that's the nicest dead
bird I've ever gotten. Thanks, Fred.

It's from all of us.

Right. Thank you Poe Society.

Coming Sookie?

I'm coming.

Okay, you need to caramelize the
hazelnuts for the brioche French toast,

add some Madeira to
the pear-poaching liquid

and add some chives to the
cream for the sheared eggs.

Don't burn anything, got it.

I've gotta change for school.

Go, go, we'll see you later.

Let's go.

Ah, here they are.

Hi, Michel. Hi, Chief.

Don't we love our chief?

I bet he can beat up
all the other chiefs.

- For sure he can.
- Can we get on with this?

Let me just unlock the door here.

Michel, the first thing I wanna
do is get into all the rooms

and get all the guests' stuff into the
lobby and organized for them to pick up.

Sookie, go to the kitchen
and let me know what's what.

Maybe we can open for dinner.

- Dinner?
- Yeah.

Anyone give you a heads
up about what's inside?

No.

You might wanna wait ?til you
get inside to make your plans.

And go slow.