Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Big One - full transcript
Rory and Paris finally hear from Harvard. Lorelai and Max meet again.
- Mail!
- Mail!
Hurry up! Where are your shoes?
- I?ll get ?em later.
- No, get ?em now.
- Why?
- Why?
Because if your Harvard acceptance
letter is in that batch of mail
and you do not have shoes on, we can?t
run off immediately and celebrate.
All of our happiness will be on
hold until you come back inside
and put on your shoes.
Is that what you want to
put a hold on happiness?
What?s the difference if
we wait then or we wait now?
Because we are not happy now.
Right, okay.
No laces, just get ?em on your feet.
Let?s go!
- Kirk!
- Kirk!
Good morning, ladies.
Is there an envelope in there?
A big envelope, not a little envelope.
Yeah, a big envelope means she?s in,
a little envelope means
she needs to marry rich.
Just one second, please.
Aren?t you supposed to go through
the mail before you get here?
Some work that way.
Personally, I think it takes
the spontaneity out of the job.
Need some help?
Sorry, federal law prohibits it.
Any chance you could go faster?
Yeah, you got a girl?s future
in that sack of yours, Santa.
- Thank you for adding the Santa.
- Any time.
You know what I?ve noticed?
It wouldn?t be any mail in there
with our names on it, would it?
I?ve noticed people
don?t slow down anymore.
Guess I?ve got time to tie my shoes.
Yes, cobble yourself a
new pair Daniel Day Lewis.
No one stops to smell a nice
flower or look at a puppy.
You?re absolutely right.
No one stops to ask how you?re doing...
is your family well, did
you see that game last night?
Yeah, people suck. Is that ours?
What? Oh. Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope.
- Rats.
- It could still be in there.
Rita Flora ? didn?t she die?
While you were delivering her mail?
She did die. She died last week.
Kirk.
They?re supposed to put your
mail on hold when you die.
Okay, let?s go back inside.
What about the envelope?
We?ll check back on our
way to Luke?s... for dinner.
Hey, one for Kirk.
It?s getting frustrating.
I mean, there?s so many great songs
that have been written post-Cobain,
but try and convince Zach of that.
I mean, he?s impossible, stubborn, and
just a tad intellectually challenged,
in case you haven?t noticed.
- Lane, honey?
- Yeah?
Just, could you, with the
sticks there, I can?t...
Oh, sorry. Nervous habit.
Mom?s a little crabby this morning.
I?m not crabby, I?m very, very ill.
- With allergies.
- Deadly allergies.
Sorry, didn?t mean to
minimize your condition.
Should we make funeral arrangements now?
Yes. But make sure you can get your
money back in case this stuff works.
Where did you get those?
Found ?em in your room.
These expired in ?98.
So, what, I should take four?
Yes, that?s exactly my point.
Here.
- New menus.
- Very fancy.
- Why?d you get new menus?
- It was time.
But I had made little
doodles with my name
hidden in them on each one of
the old ones just like Hirschfeld.
Sorry.
It took me years to hit every menu.
And these have super heavy plastic
over them. How am I gonna doodle?
Has it ever occurred to you that
the super heavy plastic is there
to discourage the doodling?
- Hey, this looks different.
- It?s not different.
- It?s totally different.
- It?s not that different.
There are more salads.
Three more salads.
Three more salads ? who
needs three more salads?
One was enough.
- Well, Nicole said...
- Nicole said.
There wasn?t really that much for
her to eat on the menu, so I just...
Oh, you added three more
salads just for Nicole.
When I asked you to add
chili-topped Pringles, you said no.
And I stand by that.
How come Nicole gets three
salads and I still get a no?
Because Nicole is his girlfriend.
Nicole is not my girlfriend,
Nicole is the woman that
I am dating, that?s it.
So what happens when
you guys get serious,
the whole place goes soy?
Just order, please.
Did you take off the
Monte Cristo sandwich?
- Well, I...
- No!
You did, you took off
the Monte Cristo sandwich.
I omitted a few obsolete dishes.
I can?t believe Nicole made
you take off the Monte Cristo.
She?s got you menu-whipped.
She does not have me menu-whipped.
I took off a disgusting
ridiculous sandwich
that no one has ever ordered,
including the three of you.
But just having it there made
us feel like we always could.
- It was comforting.
- Like soup.
Exactly.
It was comforting like
deep-fried ham and cheese soup.
And even though I never ordered it,
I talked about ordering it, haven?t I?
On several occasions.
So you?ve not only
eliminated a sandwich,
you?ve eliminated a conversation piece.
Now what will we talk about?
Fine.
Here. Old menus, everything?s
there. Knock yourselves out.
How come everybody else gets a new menu?
I feel much better now.
Well, I must say I?m glad to see
that simply because the SATs are over,
most of you are still taking
your classwork seriously.
Most of you.
Michael Mason.
Worth every wrong answer.
All right, before we continue,
I would like to remind you that
the Chilton Bicentennial celebration
takes place next week.
Number four.
- Well done.
- The official sign up sheet
for the speech contest has
gone up in the back of the room.
The contest will be held
on Friday, and the winner
will present their speech
at the ceremony next week.
Now, some of you may
be saying to yourself,
?Hey, I already turned
in my college application.
Why should I spend all this time
entering a speech competition,
which if I win means I have
to give up a Friday night,
when I can?t even use it for my resume?
What?s in it for me??
Wow, that was spooky.
Yes, the speech will
not go on your record.
However, the bicentennial is going
to be quite a prestigious affair.
Past alumni and faculty will be there,
some of these people are now
professors at the same schools
you?re planning an attending.
Plus, C-SPAN will be
broadcasting the event live.
All in all, it?s shaping up
to be a very exciting event.
Think about it.
Oh, I almost forgot to
welcome back Brad Langford.
He returns to us fresh from Broadway
where he?s just completed a
successful run of Into the Woods.
Welcome back, Brad.
Thank you. It?s good to be back.
Sit down, Mary Martin.
All right everyone, have
a lovely rest of the day.
I will see you tomorrow.
Rory, hi.
Hey Brad, good to have
you back. How was Broadway?
It was great, but Nathan
Lane is a very bitter man.
I?ve heard that.
You know, I tell you, even more than
the actual experience of performing live,
the confidence it gives you
in every aspect of your life,
that?s the most amazing thing.
Well, you do look rather confident.
Hey, it?s the new me.
So, Brad... Broadway, I must know.
Yes?
Did you get to keep your makeup?
What about your costumes,
?cause that seems great.
Ooh, unless you?re doing Les Mis.
Or Cats.
Furry spandex with a
tail and jazz shoes?
Hurrah. So, do you?
- Do I?
- Get to keep the makeup?
- I didn?t ask.
- You didn?t ask?
How do you leave the house every morning
and not have a piano fall on your head?
Well, I make a left
on Federal and then...
Brad, that really
didn?t require an answer.
You?re blocking the list.
What?s that?
Will we please move so you may
sign up for the speech contest?
Why, yes, Paris, we?d be happy to.
How kind of you to phrase it
in that very respectful manner.
Are you going to move,
or do you need a five,
six, seven, eight?
Paris, this time on stage has been
a very growing experience for me.
I?m no longer intimidated
by you or people like you.
I?m thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera.
Move.
Well, Gilmore, I certainly
hope you?re signing up, too.
It?ll be my last chance to trounce
you with anything at this school.
My decision to do this will
in no way depend on you, Paris.
I?m only saying it won?t be
a totally satisfying victory
just beating Jerome Robbins
and the rest of the losers here.
I?d really like to take you down also.
Boy, she is really up on
her theater references.
This is outrageous.
I am beyond offended.
Did you tell them I?m beyond offended?
Sending my food back?
That?s it, get their names,
they?re never eating here again.
Wait, what wine was he drinking?
1952 Chateau Petrus Bordeaux.
Okay, never mind.
Hey, is everything okay?
No, we have got to have a better
screening system for customers here.
Yes, we do, since we currently have
no screening system for customers here.
They sent it back. My food.
My four star, ?you haven?t
lived ?til you?ve eaten there,
says Ruth Reichl,? food.
What did they say was wrong?
You name it. Too salty,
too hot, too sewer-y.
Honey, calm down. Some
people are just stupid.
Yes, they are stupid,
and stupid people have stupid friends,
and they all have to come
here and be stupid together.
Okay, now, don?t be mad at
me, but I have to ask this ?
are you sure there?s
nothing wrong with the food?
Of course there?s nothing
wrong with the food.
You don?t think that I would know
if something was wrong with my food?
You don?t think that I tasted
every last dish that was sent back.
I tasted it, Manuel tasted it,
Rico tasted it, Louella tasted it.
We all tasted it and it tastes fine.
Okay. Do you mind?
You don?t believe me?
I believe you completely,
but it?s easier for me to
take on those who doubt you
- if I actually tasted it myself.
- Fine, go ahead.
Okay, now I get the sewer-y reference.
What are you talking about?
Come here.
Just send them out some free desserts.
Free desserts? You?re giving
the stupid people free desserts.
Sookie, I love you.
I love you, too.
Okay, and I love your
food, you know that.
But I have to tell you that
that bite I just had over there
is one of the worst
things I?ve ever tasted,
and I?ve tasted some very bad things.
What?
Are you sure you
didn?t just accidentally
drop something in the food tonight,
like, I don?t know,
strychnine or manure?
No, I tested each dish
every step of the way.
I mean, the base, the stock,
the sauce, the seasonings.
Are you sick? ?Cause
sometimes the flu or a cold
or even allergies can
throw your tastebuds off.
No, I?m not sick.
I mean, I had a little bug
last week, but nothing today.
Well, I think you should
think about getting a checkup.
Maybe it was more than a little bug.
The food was really bad?
Oh, honey, it was just...
well, yeah, it was really that bad.
I don?t understand it.
Ah, I?m sure it was nothing.
Just have Manuel help you with the
tasting for the rest of the night, okay?
Paris is going to drive
me completely insane.
- Ooh, that looks good.
- No!
Geez.
Be happy you?re loved, hon.
I got a Kit Kat in my purse.
What?s up?
I don?t know. It?s weird,
Sookie must be sick or something.
Sookie never gets sick.
She?ll be fine.
So, tell me, what did Paris do now?
It?s nothing, it?s just Paris.
There?s this speech contest
for the bicentennial,
and I wasn?t even going to enter it,
but I don?t know ? with the
whole ?it?s my last chance
to crush you before graduation? comment,
I want to enter, I want to win,
and I wanna dance around her
saying ?I win, I win, I win!?
Wow, you?re getting more
and more like me everyday.
But I know, it was petty and stupid
and I should probably just ignore her.
Yes, that is what you should do.
Okay, that is what I will do.
How come you weren?t
gonna enter the contest?
I don?t know.
You love doing school things.
I don?t love doing school things
when it involves the entire school
staring at me while I?m doing ?em.
You had to give your vice
presidential acceptance speech
in front of the entire school.
Yeah, but I had to do that.
Oh, so you?re just gonna go through life
only doing what you have to do.
Well, no.
Because a person who wants to be a
foreign correspondent for a living
should probably embrace the opportunity
to practice her speechin?
skills in front of a crowd.
You had the motherly edge going there
until you threw in the
speechin? skills comment.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
- Okay, I?ll go out for the speech.
- Good.
And if I get to do the ?I
win, I win, I win? dance,
- then so much the better.
- For everyone involved.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
- You?re pregnant!
- I?m pregnant!
- Oh my God, I?m pregnant!
- You?re pregnant?
- I?m pregnant!
- That?s why!
What?
That just looks like more
than four thousand words,
but I?m sure you counted them.
- I did.
- Good.
Hey Shelly, good luck.
Although I?m sure
you?re going to be great.
After all, there?s hardly anything on
stage for you to trip over this time, right?
I?ve got my beans at Grandma?s house,
my magic beans at Grandma?s house.
Stop it.
I?ll take my beans, my magic beans,
who?s got the beans, we need
some beans, I love the beans.
You can?t rattle me.
Into the woods at Grandma?s house.
Look, I?m proud of my part, okay?
The New York Times
called me winningly na?ve.
Into the woods, into the
woods, into the woods.
Stop it right now.
I know, that is one annoying song.
Leave Brad alone, and stop
terrorizing everyone in this hallway.
Terrorizing?
What are you talking about, terrorizing?
I?m simply talking to
my fellow classmates.
You?re trying to scare them into
doing badly so you?ll win easier.
- I am not.
- Oh really?
And that magical bean
recital back there?
Hey, I was trying to give
the kid some human contact.
He?s been talking to nothing
but a cow for a year and a half.
There was a person inside
that cow, I?ve told you that!
- Brad Langford.
- I?m winningly na?ve.
Okay.
Brad, you got your beans?
Stop. Go Brad, you?ll do great.
It?s amazing how you manage to hide
those bolts on the side of your neck.
What is that, just really good cover up?
Rory, lower your voice.
People are trying to concentrate.
Wow what?
Your speech must really suck.
Excuse me?
I mean, if you?re going to all this
trouble to psych out everyone else,
then you must know
you have a loser there.
Mind games.
Not your forte, cupcake.
Stick to talking to losers
off the train tracks, will you?
- You?re horrible.
- And I?m going to win.
Cherry, hi.
Man those braces are shiny.
Hello
It?s me.
Every detail, leave nothing out.
Well, I told him.
Did he flip? Did he cry? Did he scream?
- No.
- No?
- Did he hear you?
- Yeah, he heard me.
I don?t understand, what happened?
I came home and I got some flowers
and I chilled some glasses
and I put some music on
and I opened a bottle of champagne,
and the cork broke the window
so I had to clean up the glass,
and then I taped some
cardboard over the hole,
and then I knocked over
the bottle of champagne,
so I had to get out the mop.
My finger?s hitting the
fast forward button, hon.
So, he came home and
I handed him a beer,
and I smiled and I kissed him
and I told him he was gonna be a daddy.
And then he did what?
- Then he got out the calculator.
- What?
He?s been crunching
numbers for two hours.
- He didn?t say anything?
- No.
Mr. ?I-want-four-in-four? hears
he can check off number one
- and he says nothing?
- Okay, not nothing.
Thank you.
Every fifteen minutes,
he says, ?Oh, boy. ?
?Oh, boy? like ?Oh, boy!??
No, ?Oh, boy? like ?Oh, boy. ?
Oh, boy.
Did you hear that?
- Maybe he?s in shock.
- Oh, boy.
- Maybe.
- Oh, boy.
Honey, I?d go in there and take that
calculator away from him if I were you.
This wasn?t how it was supposed to go.
I know, sweetie, but give
it time. It?s a big thing.
He said he wanted this.
He loves you, he wants this.
Oh, boy.
Hang in there, I?ll call you later.
I?ll be here.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- It?s right there!
- Just a second.
- I see it. Can I just...
- Yeah, I can do it.
- Kirk, it?s right there!
- You are yelling at me,
and I have to tell you that that
is not the way to get results.
- You keep passing it.
- You are making me crazy.
Dean, I just need... oh,
hey, that?s my water bill.
He?s been down there for twenty minutes.
Kirk, you have to sort the mail first.
Everybody is always
telling me what to do.
Everybody else is always right.
I?m sorry, but I am the
mail carrier in this town
and I will carry the mail
the way that I carry the mail,
and if you don?t like that,
then you can carry the mail.
But you?ll have to apply for
the job first and get hired.
And there?s a test, and it
is a hard test, my friend.
Ow, paper cut.
Dean, I need some of that
non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff.
Did you check in the
back with the aspirin?
Yeah, nothing.
Then we?re probably out.
I could tell you when they?re expected
in, but I haven?t gotten the mail yet.
- Shut up.
- Okay, nevermind,
I?ll just grab some
when I get to Hartford.
See if you can get my water bill for me.
All right, I?ll do my best.
I?m giving you five minutes to
get up, then I?m getting the mop.
You will not touch this.
This is the property of the
United States Government.
Okay, show me a difference,
people. Why can?t I pick one?
Ooh, on sale, that?s it, good, done.
- Max.
- Lorelai.
- Hi.
- Hi back.
I didn?t know you had a cold.
I just recently found out myself.
Well, wow. You.
Hi.
- How have you been?
- I?ve been good.
Good.
- I?ve been in California.
- cowabunga dude.
Yes, that?s my official California name.
So, California, huh?
Stanford, actually. I was
teaching a class there.
Good. It?s about time that
dump got some decent teachers.
Yes, they?re really trying
to turn the place around.
So, if you were living in California,
then what are you doing back here?
Well, this place has the best selection.
In Hartford.
My class ended, and I thought I?d
come back for the Chilton Bicentennial.
What are you doing here in Hartford?
Friday night?
The infamous Gilmore dinners.
- How?s that going?
- Great.
We had to add on an extra room
for all the emotional baggage,
but other than that, there?s
been no bloodshed as of yet.
I?m glad to hear it. And Rory?s good?
Oh, yeah, she?s the Encyclopedia
Britannica definition of good.
- Grades?
- Perfect.
- Same boyfriend?
- Different boyfriend.
Really?
- You hate him.
- No, I don?t.
You really hate him.
I smile, I say hi, I let
him eat the good cookies.
You wanna have him killed.
Only if I get a really good price.
She?s young, she?ll move on,
she?s got college next year.
Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.
Just get a keg, keeps ?em distracted.
Oh, thanks for the advice.
I?m gonna lock her up in
a tower when I get home.
Glad I could help.
Well, listen, I have this
dinner I have to get to.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Me, too. Me, too.
- So...
- It was nice to see you.
- It was nice to see you, too.
- Bye.
Bye.
Ah, you?re here.
And you are by far the
most masculine-looking maid
my parents have ever had.
It?s chaos here. The
second maid called in sick,
the first is busy with dinner, and
your poor mother is at the hospital.
Her DAR group suffered a
surfeit of strokes this week.
- Come again?
- Three of her friends had strokes.
And now she is hopping from sick bed to
sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
Three DAR strokes. What?s in
that water they?re drinking?
A little whiskey, usually.
- Oh, and you?re forgetting Liesl.
- What?
Our East-German maid.
She was much more
masculine-looking than me.
- Right, the muttonchops.
- Here is Rory.
Thanks, I wouldn?t have
recognized her. Hi hon.
Hi. Did you hear about the strokes?
Yes, stay away from whiskey and the DAR.
Your mother would make you
throw that out at this point.
How about I exchange it for a martini?
Ah, coming up.
Oh, good I?m expecting
an important call.
This could be it.
Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner
and the second one?s out and
Mom?s at the hospital... you know.
Oh, right, right. I?ll get it!
Alone at last. Have I
got something to tell you.
What?
Or maybe you have something to tell me.
Don?t do that, I have nothing.
Or are you minimizing what you know?
Maybe you should maximize it.
I?m confused.
Maximize it.
I?m maximum confused.
- I ran into Max.
- Medina?
At the pharmacy. Did
you know he was back?
No. He was, like, on loan somewhere.
Yeah, at Stanford.
But he?s back now, for
a little while at least,
and I am happy to report that either
he?s forgiven me for treating him so badly
or it wasn?t that bad and I just
built it up worse in my head.
Oh no, you treated him like crap.
Well, he was very big about it.
He didn?t recoil or blow me off.
We had a nice chat.
It was good to see him.
He?s a great guy.
He is.
And a great teacher,
too. I?m glad he?s back.
Good. He seems glad, too.
That was not my call,
and for a second there,
I thought a fourth friend of
your mother?s had had a stroke.
Oh, no.
But then I realized
that it was one of the original
stroke ladies? husband?s calling
to inform me of her stroke, which we
already knew about, so here we are.
Thank God.
So, Rory has been telling me
about the Chilton
Bicentennial and her speech.
Well, it?s not my speech
yet. I have to qualify for it.
Oh, you?ll get it.
She?ll be on C-SPAN if she does.
Very good.
It?s not like anyone would watch it.
Yes, they will.
You?re a hell of a lot more interesting
than that usual shot they have
of all the white men walking
around that big empty chamber
with the numbers all over them.
That?s a televised house vote,
and I find that fascinating.
It?s like watching the Men?s
Warehouse security camera.
When is your speech?
I?d like to be there.
Again, it?s not my speech
yet, but it?s Friday at five.
Oh, that?s tough.
Could they move it to six?
I don?t think so.
Well, maybe I?ll move my thing.
That might be best.
Oh, I?ve got it, I?ve
got it, I?ve got it!
What?
Speed dial. I just
like seeing him do that.
I?ve got it.
Ah, thank God, someone sane. Come on up.
Your phone has been busy all night
and I am dying to know
what the doctor said.
He said, "Congratulations, it?s an It!"
Ah, I loved being pregnant.
You?ll give me lots of tips?
Oh, what I can remember.
Get your diary out from that
year ?cause I wanna know it all.
A lot of my diary from
that year was a debate
over which member of Tears for Fears
I loved more at that particular moment.
That?s probably not
going to help me much.
What are you doing out here? It?s cold.
Well, we finished eating
and I needed a break.
Rough day. We didn?t
get home until eight.
Eight? Your appointment was at six.
Jackson won?t drive home
faster than seven miles an hour.
He doesn?t wanna jiggle Baby.
Oh my God.
We spent ten minutes on one speed bump.
I could?ve walked home faster.
And he?s got this wild look in his eye like
he?s some kind of death rocker or something,
and he?s making lots of calls,
and he punched the calculator
so much he broke it.
- We?re selling the truck.
- What?
It?s the only way we?re
going to afford the minivan.
I thought you broke the calculator.
I?m using a pencil. Hi Lorelai.
Hi Jackson, congratulations.
We don?t need a van.
And I?m getting a haircut
and buying a second tie.
Oh, I?ll get it. It?s
probably the contractor.
What contractor?
- The add-on.
- What add-on?
The expansion, Sookie, the expansion.
- He?s expanding something.
- He?s being very cryptic.
I don?t wanna expand anything.
And did you see his eyes?
Tasmanian devil.
When I came home, he was
baby-proofing the house,
he?d thrown away all
our prescription drugs,
and he was stuffing newspaper into
the electrical sockets. He?s insane.
Hold on, Tom. He says we have to move
out for three months to do the add-on.
We probably don?t wanna do that.
Probably not.
Have you tried slapping him?
No, he won?t let me lift my arm above
my head in case it stretches Baby.
This stinks. We never
even got to celebrate.
He went straight to
budgets and minivans.
What he?s doing is sweet
in its own obnoxious way.
I guess I?ll have to let him be male.
So, listen, I ran into Max Medina.
Oh my God, really?
How weird was that?
A little. Not as much
as I would have thought.
He?s such a good guy.
Yeah, people are pretty
unanimous on that.
Well, was he nice to you?
Very. I mean, what happened
with us was so long ago.
Do you think what I did
to him was really horrible?
You mean dumping him
in the gutter? Sure.
Yeah, people are pretty
unanimous on that, too.
So, Max Medina?s back.
Not for long, though.
I just hope he doesn?t hate me.
He was probably just being nice.
I just don?t want him to hate me.
You didn?t mean to hurt him.
I?ll write him a note or something.
I owe him that.
- Oh!
- What is this?
- It?s my cleaver.
- What if Baby fell on it?
You mean, what if Baby
rolled off the sink
and into the open second drawer?
- It wouldn?t be good.
- It has to go.
I need it to chop stuff.
- We?re switching to plastic.
- I can?t use plastic.
And the Saran Wrap?s history, too.
Jackson!
Hello?
- Rory Gilmore, please.
- This is Rory Gilmore.
Please hold. I?m connecting
Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar.
What? You?re what, hello?
Miss Gilmore?
I?m here.
- Miss Gellar?
- I?m here.
Please hold, I?m connecting
Headmaster Charleston.
Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar,
you have Headmaster Charleston.
Ladies, hello.
I hope you?re having a pleasant evening.
- Yes, sir.
- Very pleasant.
Wonderful to hear. Let?s
get down to it, shall we?
I was very impressed with
both of your speeches today.
They were well written, well
researched, and eloquently delivered.
You should be very proud.
- Thank you, we were.
- Who won?
Just the simple act of completing
a task well is in itself a win,
- is it not Miss Gellar?
- Yes, sir.
Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was
listening to you both this afternoon,
a thought kept rolling
around in my head.
I was thinking what a pity it is
I will have to choose just one.
But then I realized,
?Hold on a minute here.
I?m the headmaster at this school,
I?m in charge of this competition,
I can change the rules if I wish to. ?
- So I am.
- You are?
You are what?
I am changing the rules.
Instead of having one speaker at
our bicentennial, we will have two.
You will combine your speeches
and present them together.
- You?re kidding.
- I assure you I am not.
I think it will be an excellent way
to pay proper tribute to our school.
So, what do you think of my little plan?
- Well...
- It?s...
Brilliant. Yes, I think so, too.
That?s all. Congratulations.
I would like the revised copy of
your speech on my desk by Tuesday.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Well, look who?s suddenly
decided to become Kofi Annan.
Excuse me?
Charleston thinks we need
to play nice with each other,
so he screws up the whole
bicentennial. This sucks.
Yes, it does suck.
So, what do we do now?
Do we have a choice?
Of course we have a
choice. You could say no.
Why could I say no? You could say no.
I could not say no. C-SPAN
is going to be there.
Well, I like C-SPAN as much as you do.
- You do not.
- I do, too.
Ask my mom, it?s all I talk about.
So, I guess we need a game plan now.
Okay. We can meet at school
tomorrow and work on it.
Or we could do it over the phone.
Over the phone?
We?re just combining two speeches, Rory.
There?s no reason we have to sit in
the same room and stare at each other.
Fine, whatever you want.
Tomorrow night, six
o?clock, I?ll call you.
I can?t wait.
- What are you doing here?
- We have a speech to write.
Yes, but we were supposed to do it
over the phone. That was the plan.
It?s a ridiculous plan. We have
to put two speeches together.
We have to rehearse them,
we have to hone our timing.
None of that can be done
effectively over the phone.
- But it was your idea.
- Oh, like you fought me on it?
- Of course I didn?t fight you on it.
- Okay then.
What, okay then?
Our conversation did
not just come to a close.
There was not a decision
made back there just now.
Look, I?m here, we should just
do this and get it over with.
Do you wanna study
here or in your bedroom?
Fine, I?ll go to a payphone.
Do you have payphones in this town
or are you still using a town crier?
- We?ll do it here.
- Whatever you say.
So, I think the first thing
to do is to acquaint ourselves
with each others? speeches so we
can judge who hit which point best.
Here.
Mine.
Good. Let?s read.
- Why did you use this font?
- Because I was on the crack.
- Did you check these facts?
- Yes, I did.
- And the spelling of these names?
- Yes, I did.
- Rory?
- What, Paris?
I slept with Jamie.
Last night, after we talked.
Was it something I said?
I went over there to study and
he lit a fire and then we did it.
- What are your thoughts on that?
- My thoughts?
Because I?m not exactly sure
how I feel about it myself yet.
I?ve been going over it in my head.
I mean, it seemed to go pretty well.
The fire was nice and thank God he didn?t
try to put on any ridiculous makeout music,
and then it just happened. I
was actually fairly surprised
at the timing of it because I wasn?t
wearing anything particularly alluring,
and in the moments
just before the act...
Oh, God.
We were actually discussing
modern day Marxism in America,
which is not what I would have deemed a
?come and get it? sort of conversation,
but nevertheless, he came and got it,
and I have to figure out what that
means to me on a psychological level.
So, I thought maybe if you and I could
have sort of a healthy debate about it,
I could come to some sort
of reasonable conclusion
about how I should be
feeling right about now.
So, come on, talk.
What do you think?
- I...
- Are you pro?
- Well...
- Con?
- Well...
- Undecided?
Paris, just stop talking for one second
and let me get my mind around this.
Sorry, go ahead, focus.
Could you focus faster because
I really need some feedback here.
Okay, so you are telling
me that you and Jamie...
Had sex.
Okay, so, were you safe?
Yes, it was a regular
after school special.
Well, was he nice to you?
Yes, he was very nice to me.
And the two of you had discussed this...
Well, I don?t know that
we actually discussed it,
it was just sort of implied.
- Implied?
- Yes, implied.
When you?re dating a boy and you?re
together for a given amount of time
and you?re not Amish, then the eventual
occurrence of intercourse is inevitable.
- I mean, wasn?t it with you?
- What?
- With Dean.
- No.
- No?
- No. I never did it with Dean.
Oh. Well, then with Jess, right?
Um, no.
- You?re lying.
- No, I?m not lying.
- You haven?t?
- No.
Why not?
I just haven?t.
It?s just not the time.
Why is it not the time? I mean,
if it?s not the time for you,
then maybe it?s not
the time for me either.
Paris, you can?t judge what?s right
for you against what?s right for me.
I mean, we are different, and
Jamie and Jess are different.
Well, yeah.
Maybe it was the time
for the two of you.
I guess.
I just wish I had the
data to back it up.
Some things can?t be analyzed.
Listen, Rory,
these last few weeks,
Francie got things all twisted around.
You let her get things
all twisted around.
I know.
I just tend to believe the
worst in people, you know?
Oh yeah, I know.
I?m...
That?s okay.
Hello, Mommy?s home!
We?re in here.
We?re, who?s we?re?
Oh, hey Paris. I didn?t know
you were coming over tonight.
It wasn?t planned.
Oh, I brought pizza
if you guys are hungry.
I have to take my retainer out first.
I?ll get the plates.
I?m taking you shopping tomorrow.
Why?
It just seems time...
for new shoes.
Okay.
I?ve got the good kid.
...of two hundred years of tradition,
Chilton begins its third century of
educating this country?s young students...
Okay, I got the coats hung,
and I slipped the girl a buck
to get the really good hangers.
You know, the ones with the dry
cleaning foam strips still attached.
Why are you frowning? Are you nervous?
What? No. I mean, yes.
Paris is supposed to
be here and she?s not.
Well, maybe she?s just
had a clothing crisis.
Maybe.
- Do you wanna call her?
- I did, no answer.
I?m sure she?s fine,
there?s traffic. Just relax.
Okay.
- There you are.
- Hi.
- Grandpa, you came.
- Of course I came.
I wouldn?t miss my granddaughter
talking on national TV.
That?s quite a nice
turnout you have here.
Yes, we?re very proud
of the number of people
who have nothing to
do on a Friday night.
Your mind never tires
for a moment, does it?
It will once people start talking.
Charming.
Okay, I?m gonna go
track down some coffee
?cause there?s no way they?re
not serving coffee at this thing.
I?ll be right back.
Relax, she?ll be here.
Stanford has been really fantastic.
- Will you excuse me for a moment?
- Sure.
We seem to be running into
each other a lot lately.
Oh, come on, you know where
there?s C-SPAN, there?s...
me.
Is Rory around?
She?s looking for Paris and panicking
she?s gonna have to do this alone.
Paris?ll come.
I told her that.
Listen, do you have a second?
Sure.
I just...
I just wanna talk to you about...
I just wanted to get away from...
anyhow.
We just haven?t really talked since...
No, we haven?t.
I always meant to call you, but...
I?m not good at calling when
a call is really necessary.
And then, you know...
if you don?t call for awhile,
it gets harder to call,
and then after awhile, it feels
like it?s too late to call,
and so you don?t, although you
always know that you should?ve called,
- and I should?ve called.
- It?s okay.
No, it?s not. I never really
explained what happened.
You didn?t marry me.
Yes, I know, but I never
really explained why.
- I just didn?t.
- You didn?t love me.
I don?t think I didn?t
love you. I think...
I think I was not ready to get married.
Because you didn?t love me.
No, I really don?t think that was it.
Sometimes the person you love is not the
person you?re ready to live with forever.
- I?m not saying this is right, but...
- Lorelai, listen to me.
I appreciate this, I really
do, but there?s no need for it.
I?m really okay.
Oh, no, I know you?re...
no, I?m sure you?re okay.
I?m not saying this
because you don?t look okay.
You look great. Really great.
Although, I?m not saying this because
you look really great, although you do.
Did you join a gym in California?
Lorelai, look. I?ve always wanted to
teach at a university like Stanford.
And finally, the opportunity came
up, I went, and it was wonderful.
And, frankly, if we had
been getting married,
I wouldn?t have been able to take it.
You?re welcome.
And being away gave me time to think.
I thought, and now I?m fine.
It?s just, we never had any closure.
Life?s not really about closure, is it?
No, I guess not.
So, you?re okay?
I?m okay. I?m over it.
- You sure?
- I am completely sure.
Well, then...
boy, don?t I feel stupid.
You are many things, but
stupid is not one of ?em.
I?m really glad I got to see you again.
Me, too.
- I better get back.
- Okay.
Rory, you and Paris should get
ready, you?re going on next.
Richard, I didn?t know you
were coming, how are you?
Very, very well, Hanlin.
Wonderful. Here, let me find you a seat.
Ah, I?m also with my daughter.
Then let me find you two seats.
Rory, where?s Paris?
I don?t know, I haven?t seen
her and I called her house.
Oh, dear. Well, I hope
you know both parts.
Okay, great.
You are going to be wonderful, trust me.
Now, did anyone ever to tell you to
picture the audience in their underwear?
- Yes.
- Well, don?t do it.
I did it once and I had
nightmares for a week.
- Bulgarians in Speedos.
- Say no more.
Hey, they?re rounding us up.
- Is she here yet?
- No.
Oh, just... oh, there she is.
Where? Oh, thank you God.
Okay, be great. We?ll see you afterward.
Where have you been? Paris, you okay?
And it is with great pleasure
that I introduce two young ladies
that epitomize the very best
of what Chilton has to offer.
Paris, are you okay?
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I give you Paris
Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
"Apply yourself.
Get all the education you
can, but then do something.
Don?t just stand there, make it happen. "
Lee lacocca.
"Education?s purpose is to replace
an empty mind with an open one. "
Malcolm Forbes.
"Education is an admirable
thing, but it is well to remember
from time to time that nothing that
is worth knowing can be taught. "
Oscar Wilde.
These are only three of many countless
views on the expansion of the human mind.
I personally believe in all of them,
and fortunately for me, so does Chilton.
An institution not just
because of age and standing,
but because of ideas.
Because it encourages ideas
and it will accept nothing less
than everything you have to give.
This is the place where our lives start.
You know, it?s funny,
me standing here before you right now.
I?ve thought about nothing else
for four years but this school,
this big important school
with all of its history
and tradition and really super teachers.
And I dedicated myself to it completely,
heart and soul,
believing in its power,
believing in its ability to
get me where I needed to go.
Harvard.
I thought of nothing else.
Many of you out there
can attest to that fact.
I was on my way and
nothing could stop me.
And here?s the really funny thing,
after four years of slaving away,
I go home today and I found this.
I?m not going to Harvard.
I got the tiny envelope,
the one that reads,
"Sorry, Paris. We?re not interested.
Try again next year. Love, Harvard. "
And the thing that?s
really funny here is,
who in the world deserves to
go to Harvard more than me?
Have you seen how hard I?ve
worked over these past four years?
I mean, can anyone here believe
that I?m not going to Harvard?
I can?t.
I?m not going to Harvard.
I am not going to Harvard.
I had sex, but I?m not going to Harvard.
Okay.
And I have to tell you
that if you asked me
which of those two events I thought
would be the least likely to happen,
it would not be the
not going to Harvard.
Thank you and good night.
I?m being punished. I had sex, so
now I don?t get to go to Harvard.
Paris, come on.
She?s never had sex. She?ll
probably go to Harvard.
She?s a shoe in. Pack your chastity
belt, Gilmore ? you?re going to Harvard!
Come on!
How could I have not
gotten into Harvard?
Five generations of Gellars
have gotten into Harvard.
Even if I was the Billy
Carter of the family,
the name is still supposed
to carry some weight.
Paris.
They had to really not like
me for me to not get in.
- It?s like they know me or something.
- Stop.
I know how much this
meant to you, Paris,
but you are going to get
just as good an education
at one of the other great schools
you?re destined to get into.
And you know what?
Maybe it?s a good thing that
you?re going to a different school
than the rest of your family.
You?ll be doing your own thing,
starting your own tradition.
Doesn?t that sound exciting?
I can?t believe I slept with Jamie.
I?m a slut.
No, you?re not. You love him.
What if he doesn?t love me anymore?
What if he doesn?t think
I?m special anymore?
How am I going to tell him
I didn?t get into Harvard?
What am I gonna do?
Paris, I don?t know why
you didn?t get into Harvard,
but you are so smart
and so special and you?ll see,
everything?s gonna be fine.
Hey, I just wanted to make
sure everything was okay.
Yeah, we?ve got everything
under control, thanks.
Okay. I?ll be outside
when you?re ready. No rush.
Thanks.
Well, all I?ve gotta say is,
after all the trouble this
sex thing has caused me,
I better have been good.
That?s the perspective I know and love.
Dad, hi, sorry. I was
just checking on the girls.
Well, I hope they?re feeling
very good about themselves.
They did a wonderful job.
Yes, I?m sure they?ll be very
pleased to hear you think so.
Listen, I need to get home.
I?m expecting a very important call from
China that unfortunately I cannot miss.
That?s fine, Dad. I?ll
tell Rory you had to go.
All right. And tell her I?ll
call her later, and give her this.
That?s very nice. Now
how about my finder?s fee?
You?re very amusing. Thank
you for a lovely evening,
and I?ll see the two of you on Friday.
Good night. Sleep tight.
Excuse me, hi. I am
not seeing my coat here,
and it was very cute and it was on sale,
and I will fling myself
off a building if I lose it.
We put some of the coat racks
in the classroom over there,
take a look. Otherwise the staircase
to the roof is on your right.
Thank you.
Took two hundred years, but somebody
at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
Okay.
So, this is where they keep
the coats they?re ashamed of.
Well, this school has taken
snobbery to a whole new level.
So, is Rory okay?
Oh, yeah, I just went back there.
She?s taking care of Paris,
but she?s good, thanks.
I must say, I?ve been a
teacher for ten years now,
and it wasn?t until today I realized,
it must be really hard to be a girl.
And with the invention of
Sephora, really expensive, too.
- I?m very sorry.
- Oh, don?t be.
At least we get to wear
skirts without being Scottish
or riding a float in
the gay pride parade.
That?ll change someday my friend,
and when it does, I
still won?t wear a skirt.
But I?ll applaud those that do,
and then cross the street
so nobody sees I?m with them.
- It was nice seeing you.
- Nice to see you, too.
- Take care of yourself.
- I will.
And apparently, I?m not over it.
I?m not getting rid
of my knives, Jackson.
I?m a chef, I have to have knives.
And I?m also not cutting
off the water supply
and I?m not sanding down all
the edges of my furniture.
Now, I?m sorry that you think
this house is a deathtrap,
and I?m sorry that you think
there is nothing in our lifestyles
that is conducive to having a baby,
but our kid is gonna have to be bright
enough not to disconnect the water hose
that goes to the automatic ice maker
and shove it up his or her nose.
Now go to sleep.
Did I tell you how happy I am?
No, you didn?t.
I have never been happier about
anything in my entire life.
Really?
Our wedding day, but this is
running a really close second.
Jackson.
Now if you would just
get rid of the knives,
I think it could make it a tie.
I wasn?t kidding about the knives.
Goodnight Jackson.
If I could read you the
statistics just one more time.
I love you, Jackson.
Hold on, I?ll find them.
- But...
- I don?t know.
What does this mean?
I don?t know.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don?t know.
What about Alex?
I don?t know.
But is Max going to...
Oh, honey, have you gotten the clue?
There?s not gonna be a
wealth of information tonight.
Sorry.
It?s just so...
The big one.
Looks like Paris was right.
Apparently, you are the
biggest virgin in the world.
So, what?
I don?t know.
Well, what does this mean?
I don?t know.
Which one are you gonna choose?
I don?t know.
I guess we better go inside.
We both have a lot of
things to figure out, huh?
So what are the odds that Paris is ever
gonna have sex again in this lifetime?
I don?t know.
Synchro: Amariss
- www. foromfr. com -
- Mail!
Hurry up! Where are your shoes?
- I?ll get ?em later.
- No, get ?em now.
- Why?
- Why?
Because if your Harvard acceptance
letter is in that batch of mail
and you do not have shoes on, we can?t
run off immediately and celebrate.
All of our happiness will be on
hold until you come back inside
and put on your shoes.
Is that what you want to
put a hold on happiness?
What?s the difference if
we wait then or we wait now?
Because we are not happy now.
Right, okay.
No laces, just get ?em on your feet.
Let?s go!
- Kirk!
- Kirk!
Good morning, ladies.
Is there an envelope in there?
A big envelope, not a little envelope.
Yeah, a big envelope means she?s in,
a little envelope means
she needs to marry rich.
Just one second, please.
Aren?t you supposed to go through
the mail before you get here?
Some work that way.
Personally, I think it takes
the spontaneity out of the job.
Need some help?
Sorry, federal law prohibits it.
Any chance you could go faster?
Yeah, you got a girl?s future
in that sack of yours, Santa.
- Thank you for adding the Santa.
- Any time.
You know what I?ve noticed?
It wouldn?t be any mail in there
with our names on it, would it?
I?ve noticed people
don?t slow down anymore.
Guess I?ve got time to tie my shoes.
Yes, cobble yourself a
new pair Daniel Day Lewis.
No one stops to smell a nice
flower or look at a puppy.
You?re absolutely right.
No one stops to ask how you?re doing...
is your family well, did
you see that game last night?
Yeah, people suck. Is that ours?
What? Oh. Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope.
- Rats.
- It could still be in there.
Rita Flora ? didn?t she die?
While you were delivering her mail?
She did die. She died last week.
Kirk.
They?re supposed to put your
mail on hold when you die.
Okay, let?s go back inside.
What about the envelope?
We?ll check back on our
way to Luke?s... for dinner.
Hey, one for Kirk.
It?s getting frustrating.
I mean, there?s so many great songs
that have been written post-Cobain,
but try and convince Zach of that.
I mean, he?s impossible, stubborn, and
just a tad intellectually challenged,
in case you haven?t noticed.
- Lane, honey?
- Yeah?
Just, could you, with the
sticks there, I can?t...
Oh, sorry. Nervous habit.
Mom?s a little crabby this morning.
I?m not crabby, I?m very, very ill.
- With allergies.
- Deadly allergies.
Sorry, didn?t mean to
minimize your condition.
Should we make funeral arrangements now?
Yes. But make sure you can get your
money back in case this stuff works.
Where did you get those?
Found ?em in your room.
These expired in ?98.
So, what, I should take four?
Yes, that?s exactly my point.
Here.
- New menus.
- Very fancy.
- Why?d you get new menus?
- It was time.
But I had made little
doodles with my name
hidden in them on each one of
the old ones just like Hirschfeld.
Sorry.
It took me years to hit every menu.
And these have super heavy plastic
over them. How am I gonna doodle?
Has it ever occurred to you that
the super heavy plastic is there
to discourage the doodling?
- Hey, this looks different.
- It?s not different.
- It?s totally different.
- It?s not that different.
There are more salads.
Three more salads.
Three more salads ? who
needs three more salads?
One was enough.
- Well, Nicole said...
- Nicole said.
There wasn?t really that much for
her to eat on the menu, so I just...
Oh, you added three more
salads just for Nicole.
When I asked you to add
chili-topped Pringles, you said no.
And I stand by that.
How come Nicole gets three
salads and I still get a no?
Because Nicole is his girlfriend.
Nicole is not my girlfriend,
Nicole is the woman that
I am dating, that?s it.
So what happens when
you guys get serious,
the whole place goes soy?
Just order, please.
Did you take off the
Monte Cristo sandwich?
- Well, I...
- No!
You did, you took off
the Monte Cristo sandwich.
I omitted a few obsolete dishes.
I can?t believe Nicole made
you take off the Monte Cristo.
She?s got you menu-whipped.
She does not have me menu-whipped.
I took off a disgusting
ridiculous sandwich
that no one has ever ordered,
including the three of you.
But just having it there made
us feel like we always could.
- It was comforting.
- Like soup.
Exactly.
It was comforting like
deep-fried ham and cheese soup.
And even though I never ordered it,
I talked about ordering it, haven?t I?
On several occasions.
So you?ve not only
eliminated a sandwich,
you?ve eliminated a conversation piece.
Now what will we talk about?
Fine.
Here. Old menus, everything?s
there. Knock yourselves out.
How come everybody else gets a new menu?
I feel much better now.
Well, I must say I?m glad to see
that simply because the SATs are over,
most of you are still taking
your classwork seriously.
Most of you.
Michael Mason.
Worth every wrong answer.
All right, before we continue,
I would like to remind you that
the Chilton Bicentennial celebration
takes place next week.
Number four.
- Well done.
- The official sign up sheet
for the speech contest has
gone up in the back of the room.
The contest will be held
on Friday, and the winner
will present their speech
at the ceremony next week.
Now, some of you may
be saying to yourself,
?Hey, I already turned
in my college application.
Why should I spend all this time
entering a speech competition,
which if I win means I have
to give up a Friday night,
when I can?t even use it for my resume?
What?s in it for me??
Wow, that was spooky.
Yes, the speech will
not go on your record.
However, the bicentennial is going
to be quite a prestigious affair.
Past alumni and faculty will be there,
some of these people are now
professors at the same schools
you?re planning an attending.
Plus, C-SPAN will be
broadcasting the event live.
All in all, it?s shaping up
to be a very exciting event.
Think about it.
Oh, I almost forgot to
welcome back Brad Langford.
He returns to us fresh from Broadway
where he?s just completed a
successful run of Into the Woods.
Welcome back, Brad.
Thank you. It?s good to be back.
Sit down, Mary Martin.
All right everyone, have
a lovely rest of the day.
I will see you tomorrow.
Rory, hi.
Hey Brad, good to have
you back. How was Broadway?
It was great, but Nathan
Lane is a very bitter man.
I?ve heard that.
You know, I tell you, even more than
the actual experience of performing live,
the confidence it gives you
in every aspect of your life,
that?s the most amazing thing.
Well, you do look rather confident.
Hey, it?s the new me.
So, Brad... Broadway, I must know.
Yes?
Did you get to keep your makeup?
What about your costumes,
?cause that seems great.
Ooh, unless you?re doing Les Mis.
Or Cats.
Furry spandex with a
tail and jazz shoes?
Hurrah. So, do you?
- Do I?
- Get to keep the makeup?
- I didn?t ask.
- You didn?t ask?
How do you leave the house every morning
and not have a piano fall on your head?
Well, I make a left
on Federal and then...
Brad, that really
didn?t require an answer.
You?re blocking the list.
What?s that?
Will we please move so you may
sign up for the speech contest?
Why, yes, Paris, we?d be happy to.
How kind of you to phrase it
in that very respectful manner.
Are you going to move,
or do you need a five,
six, seven, eight?
Paris, this time on stage has been
a very growing experience for me.
I?m no longer intimidated
by you or people like you.
I?m thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera.
Move.
Well, Gilmore, I certainly
hope you?re signing up, too.
It?ll be my last chance to trounce
you with anything at this school.
My decision to do this will
in no way depend on you, Paris.
I?m only saying it won?t be
a totally satisfying victory
just beating Jerome Robbins
and the rest of the losers here.
I?d really like to take you down also.
Boy, she is really up on
her theater references.
This is outrageous.
I am beyond offended.
Did you tell them I?m beyond offended?
Sending my food back?
That?s it, get their names,
they?re never eating here again.
Wait, what wine was he drinking?
1952 Chateau Petrus Bordeaux.
Okay, never mind.
Hey, is everything okay?
No, we have got to have a better
screening system for customers here.
Yes, we do, since we currently have
no screening system for customers here.
They sent it back. My food.
My four star, ?you haven?t
lived ?til you?ve eaten there,
says Ruth Reichl,? food.
What did they say was wrong?
You name it. Too salty,
too hot, too sewer-y.
Honey, calm down. Some
people are just stupid.
Yes, they are stupid,
and stupid people have stupid friends,
and they all have to come
here and be stupid together.
Okay, now, don?t be mad at
me, but I have to ask this ?
are you sure there?s
nothing wrong with the food?
Of course there?s nothing
wrong with the food.
You don?t think that I would know
if something was wrong with my food?
You don?t think that I tasted
every last dish that was sent back.
I tasted it, Manuel tasted it,
Rico tasted it, Louella tasted it.
We all tasted it and it tastes fine.
Okay. Do you mind?
You don?t believe me?
I believe you completely,
but it?s easier for me to
take on those who doubt you
- if I actually tasted it myself.
- Fine, go ahead.
Okay, now I get the sewer-y reference.
What are you talking about?
Come here.
Just send them out some free desserts.
Free desserts? You?re giving
the stupid people free desserts.
Sookie, I love you.
I love you, too.
Okay, and I love your
food, you know that.
But I have to tell you that
that bite I just had over there
is one of the worst
things I?ve ever tasted,
and I?ve tasted some very bad things.
What?
Are you sure you
didn?t just accidentally
drop something in the food tonight,
like, I don?t know,
strychnine or manure?
No, I tested each dish
every step of the way.
I mean, the base, the stock,
the sauce, the seasonings.
Are you sick? ?Cause
sometimes the flu or a cold
or even allergies can
throw your tastebuds off.
No, I?m not sick.
I mean, I had a little bug
last week, but nothing today.
Well, I think you should
think about getting a checkup.
Maybe it was more than a little bug.
The food was really bad?
Oh, honey, it was just...
well, yeah, it was really that bad.
I don?t understand it.
Ah, I?m sure it was nothing.
Just have Manuel help you with the
tasting for the rest of the night, okay?
Paris is going to drive
me completely insane.
- Ooh, that looks good.
- No!
Geez.
Be happy you?re loved, hon.
I got a Kit Kat in my purse.
What?s up?
I don?t know. It?s weird,
Sookie must be sick or something.
Sookie never gets sick.
She?ll be fine.
So, tell me, what did Paris do now?
It?s nothing, it?s just Paris.
There?s this speech contest
for the bicentennial,
and I wasn?t even going to enter it,
but I don?t know ? with the
whole ?it?s my last chance
to crush you before graduation? comment,
I want to enter, I want to win,
and I wanna dance around her
saying ?I win, I win, I win!?
Wow, you?re getting more
and more like me everyday.
But I know, it was petty and stupid
and I should probably just ignore her.
Yes, that is what you should do.
Okay, that is what I will do.
How come you weren?t
gonna enter the contest?
I don?t know.
You love doing school things.
I don?t love doing school things
when it involves the entire school
staring at me while I?m doing ?em.
You had to give your vice
presidential acceptance speech
in front of the entire school.
Yeah, but I had to do that.
Oh, so you?re just gonna go through life
only doing what you have to do.
Well, no.
Because a person who wants to be a
foreign correspondent for a living
should probably embrace the opportunity
to practice her speechin?
skills in front of a crowd.
You had the motherly edge going there
until you threw in the
speechin? skills comment.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
- Okay, I?ll go out for the speech.
- Good.
And if I get to do the ?I
win, I win, I win? dance,
- then so much the better.
- For everyone involved.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
- You?re pregnant!
- I?m pregnant!
- Oh my God, I?m pregnant!
- You?re pregnant?
- I?m pregnant!
- That?s why!
What?
That just looks like more
than four thousand words,
but I?m sure you counted them.
- I did.
- Good.
Hey Shelly, good luck.
Although I?m sure
you?re going to be great.
After all, there?s hardly anything on
stage for you to trip over this time, right?
I?ve got my beans at Grandma?s house,
my magic beans at Grandma?s house.
Stop it.
I?ll take my beans, my magic beans,
who?s got the beans, we need
some beans, I love the beans.
You can?t rattle me.
Into the woods at Grandma?s house.
Look, I?m proud of my part, okay?
The New York Times
called me winningly na?ve.
Into the woods, into the
woods, into the woods.
Stop it right now.
I know, that is one annoying song.
Leave Brad alone, and stop
terrorizing everyone in this hallway.
Terrorizing?
What are you talking about, terrorizing?
I?m simply talking to
my fellow classmates.
You?re trying to scare them into
doing badly so you?ll win easier.
- I am not.
- Oh really?
And that magical bean
recital back there?
Hey, I was trying to give
the kid some human contact.
He?s been talking to nothing
but a cow for a year and a half.
There was a person inside
that cow, I?ve told you that!
- Brad Langford.
- I?m winningly na?ve.
Okay.
Brad, you got your beans?
Stop. Go Brad, you?ll do great.
It?s amazing how you manage to hide
those bolts on the side of your neck.
What is that, just really good cover up?
Rory, lower your voice.
People are trying to concentrate.
Wow what?
Your speech must really suck.
Excuse me?
I mean, if you?re going to all this
trouble to psych out everyone else,
then you must know
you have a loser there.
Mind games.
Not your forte, cupcake.
Stick to talking to losers
off the train tracks, will you?
- You?re horrible.
- And I?m going to win.
Cherry, hi.
Man those braces are shiny.
Hello
It?s me.
Every detail, leave nothing out.
Well, I told him.
Did he flip? Did he cry? Did he scream?
- No.
- No?
- Did he hear you?
- Yeah, he heard me.
I don?t understand, what happened?
I came home and I got some flowers
and I chilled some glasses
and I put some music on
and I opened a bottle of champagne,
and the cork broke the window
so I had to clean up the glass,
and then I taped some
cardboard over the hole,
and then I knocked over
the bottle of champagne,
so I had to get out the mop.
My finger?s hitting the
fast forward button, hon.
So, he came home and
I handed him a beer,
and I smiled and I kissed him
and I told him he was gonna be a daddy.
And then he did what?
- Then he got out the calculator.
- What?
He?s been crunching
numbers for two hours.
- He didn?t say anything?
- No.
Mr. ?I-want-four-in-four? hears
he can check off number one
- and he says nothing?
- Okay, not nothing.
Thank you.
Every fifteen minutes,
he says, ?Oh, boy. ?
?Oh, boy? like ?Oh, boy!??
No, ?Oh, boy? like ?Oh, boy. ?
Oh, boy.
Did you hear that?
- Maybe he?s in shock.
- Oh, boy.
- Maybe.
- Oh, boy.
Honey, I?d go in there and take that
calculator away from him if I were you.
This wasn?t how it was supposed to go.
I know, sweetie, but give
it time. It?s a big thing.
He said he wanted this.
He loves you, he wants this.
Oh, boy.
Hang in there, I?ll call you later.
I?ll be here.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
- It?s right there!
- Just a second.
- I see it. Can I just...
- Yeah, I can do it.
- Kirk, it?s right there!
- You are yelling at me,
and I have to tell you that that
is not the way to get results.
- You keep passing it.
- You are making me crazy.
Dean, I just need... oh,
hey, that?s my water bill.
He?s been down there for twenty minutes.
Kirk, you have to sort the mail first.
Everybody is always
telling me what to do.
Everybody else is always right.
I?m sorry, but I am the
mail carrier in this town
and I will carry the mail
the way that I carry the mail,
and if you don?t like that,
then you can carry the mail.
But you?ll have to apply for
the job first and get hired.
And there?s a test, and it
is a hard test, my friend.
Ow, paper cut.
Dean, I need some of that
non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff.
Did you check in the
back with the aspirin?
Yeah, nothing.
Then we?re probably out.
I could tell you when they?re expected
in, but I haven?t gotten the mail yet.
- Shut up.
- Okay, nevermind,
I?ll just grab some
when I get to Hartford.
See if you can get my water bill for me.
All right, I?ll do my best.
I?m giving you five minutes to
get up, then I?m getting the mop.
You will not touch this.
This is the property of the
United States Government.
Okay, show me a difference,
people. Why can?t I pick one?
Ooh, on sale, that?s it, good, done.
- Max.
- Lorelai.
- Hi.
- Hi back.
I didn?t know you had a cold.
I just recently found out myself.
Well, wow. You.
Hi.
- How have you been?
- I?ve been good.
Good.
- I?ve been in California.
- cowabunga dude.
Yes, that?s my official California name.
So, California, huh?
Stanford, actually. I was
teaching a class there.
Good. It?s about time that
dump got some decent teachers.
Yes, they?re really trying
to turn the place around.
So, if you were living in California,
then what are you doing back here?
Well, this place has the best selection.
In Hartford.
My class ended, and I thought I?d
come back for the Chilton Bicentennial.
What are you doing here in Hartford?
Friday night?
The infamous Gilmore dinners.
- How?s that going?
- Great.
We had to add on an extra room
for all the emotional baggage,
but other than that, there?s
been no bloodshed as of yet.
I?m glad to hear it. And Rory?s good?
Oh, yeah, she?s the Encyclopedia
Britannica definition of good.
- Grades?
- Perfect.
- Same boyfriend?
- Different boyfriend.
Really?
- You hate him.
- No, I don?t.
You really hate him.
I smile, I say hi, I let
him eat the good cookies.
You wanna have him killed.
Only if I get a really good price.
She?s young, she?ll move on,
she?s got college next year.
Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.
Just get a keg, keeps ?em distracted.
Oh, thanks for the advice.
I?m gonna lock her up in
a tower when I get home.
Glad I could help.
Well, listen, I have this
dinner I have to get to.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Me, too. Me, too.
- So...
- It was nice to see you.
- It was nice to see you, too.
- Bye.
Bye.
Ah, you?re here.
And you are by far the
most masculine-looking maid
my parents have ever had.
It?s chaos here. The
second maid called in sick,
the first is busy with dinner, and
your poor mother is at the hospital.
Her DAR group suffered a
surfeit of strokes this week.
- Come again?
- Three of her friends had strokes.
And now she is hopping from sick bed to
sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
Three DAR strokes. What?s in
that water they?re drinking?
A little whiskey, usually.
- Oh, and you?re forgetting Liesl.
- What?
Our East-German maid.
She was much more
masculine-looking than me.
- Right, the muttonchops.
- Here is Rory.
Thanks, I wouldn?t have
recognized her. Hi hon.
Hi. Did you hear about the strokes?
Yes, stay away from whiskey and the DAR.
Your mother would make you
throw that out at this point.
How about I exchange it for a martini?
Ah, coming up.
Oh, good I?m expecting
an important call.
This could be it.
Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner
and the second one?s out and
Mom?s at the hospital... you know.
Oh, right, right. I?ll get it!
Alone at last. Have I
got something to tell you.
What?
Or maybe you have something to tell me.
Don?t do that, I have nothing.
Or are you minimizing what you know?
Maybe you should maximize it.
I?m confused.
Maximize it.
I?m maximum confused.
- I ran into Max.
- Medina?
At the pharmacy. Did
you know he was back?
No. He was, like, on loan somewhere.
Yeah, at Stanford.
But he?s back now, for
a little while at least,
and I am happy to report that either
he?s forgiven me for treating him so badly
or it wasn?t that bad and I just
built it up worse in my head.
Oh no, you treated him like crap.
Well, he was very big about it.
He didn?t recoil or blow me off.
We had a nice chat.
It was good to see him.
He?s a great guy.
He is.
And a great teacher,
too. I?m glad he?s back.
Good. He seems glad, too.
That was not my call,
and for a second there,
I thought a fourth friend of
your mother?s had had a stroke.
Oh, no.
But then I realized
that it was one of the original
stroke ladies? husband?s calling
to inform me of her stroke, which we
already knew about, so here we are.
Thank God.
So, Rory has been telling me
about the Chilton
Bicentennial and her speech.
Well, it?s not my speech
yet. I have to qualify for it.
Oh, you?ll get it.
She?ll be on C-SPAN if she does.
Very good.
It?s not like anyone would watch it.
Yes, they will.
You?re a hell of a lot more interesting
than that usual shot they have
of all the white men walking
around that big empty chamber
with the numbers all over them.
That?s a televised house vote,
and I find that fascinating.
It?s like watching the Men?s
Warehouse security camera.
When is your speech?
I?d like to be there.
Again, it?s not my speech
yet, but it?s Friday at five.
Oh, that?s tough.
Could they move it to six?
I don?t think so.
Well, maybe I?ll move my thing.
That might be best.
Oh, I?ve got it, I?ve
got it, I?ve got it!
What?
Speed dial. I just
like seeing him do that.
I?ve got it.
Ah, thank God, someone sane. Come on up.
Your phone has been busy all night
and I am dying to know
what the doctor said.
He said, "Congratulations, it?s an It!"
Ah, I loved being pregnant.
You?ll give me lots of tips?
Oh, what I can remember.
Get your diary out from that
year ?cause I wanna know it all.
A lot of my diary from
that year was a debate
over which member of Tears for Fears
I loved more at that particular moment.
That?s probably not
going to help me much.
What are you doing out here? It?s cold.
Well, we finished eating
and I needed a break.
Rough day. We didn?t
get home until eight.
Eight? Your appointment was at six.
Jackson won?t drive home
faster than seven miles an hour.
He doesn?t wanna jiggle Baby.
Oh my God.
We spent ten minutes on one speed bump.
I could?ve walked home faster.
And he?s got this wild look in his eye like
he?s some kind of death rocker or something,
and he?s making lots of calls,
and he punched the calculator
so much he broke it.
- We?re selling the truck.
- What?
It?s the only way we?re
going to afford the minivan.
I thought you broke the calculator.
I?m using a pencil. Hi Lorelai.
Hi Jackson, congratulations.
We don?t need a van.
And I?m getting a haircut
and buying a second tie.
Oh, I?ll get it. It?s
probably the contractor.
What contractor?
- The add-on.
- What add-on?
The expansion, Sookie, the expansion.
- He?s expanding something.
- He?s being very cryptic.
I don?t wanna expand anything.
And did you see his eyes?
Tasmanian devil.
When I came home, he was
baby-proofing the house,
he?d thrown away all
our prescription drugs,
and he was stuffing newspaper into
the electrical sockets. He?s insane.
Hold on, Tom. He says we have to move
out for three months to do the add-on.
We probably don?t wanna do that.
Probably not.
Have you tried slapping him?
No, he won?t let me lift my arm above
my head in case it stretches Baby.
This stinks. We never
even got to celebrate.
He went straight to
budgets and minivans.
What he?s doing is sweet
in its own obnoxious way.
I guess I?ll have to let him be male.
So, listen, I ran into Max Medina.
Oh my God, really?
How weird was that?
A little. Not as much
as I would have thought.
He?s such a good guy.
Yeah, people are pretty
unanimous on that.
Well, was he nice to you?
Very. I mean, what happened
with us was so long ago.
Do you think what I did
to him was really horrible?
You mean dumping him
in the gutter? Sure.
Yeah, people are pretty
unanimous on that, too.
So, Max Medina?s back.
Not for long, though.
I just hope he doesn?t hate me.
He was probably just being nice.
I just don?t want him to hate me.
You didn?t mean to hurt him.
I?ll write him a note or something.
I owe him that.
- Oh!
- What is this?
- It?s my cleaver.
- What if Baby fell on it?
You mean, what if Baby
rolled off the sink
and into the open second drawer?
- It wouldn?t be good.
- It has to go.
I need it to chop stuff.
- We?re switching to plastic.
- I can?t use plastic.
And the Saran Wrap?s history, too.
Jackson!
Hello?
- Rory Gilmore, please.
- This is Rory Gilmore.
Please hold. I?m connecting
Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar.
What? You?re what, hello?
Miss Gilmore?
I?m here.
- Miss Gellar?
- I?m here.
Please hold, I?m connecting
Headmaster Charleston.
Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar,
you have Headmaster Charleston.
Ladies, hello.
I hope you?re having a pleasant evening.
- Yes, sir.
- Very pleasant.
Wonderful to hear. Let?s
get down to it, shall we?
I was very impressed with
both of your speeches today.
They were well written, well
researched, and eloquently delivered.
You should be very proud.
- Thank you, we were.
- Who won?
Just the simple act of completing
a task well is in itself a win,
- is it not Miss Gellar?
- Yes, sir.
Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was
listening to you both this afternoon,
a thought kept rolling
around in my head.
I was thinking what a pity it is
I will have to choose just one.
But then I realized,
?Hold on a minute here.
I?m the headmaster at this school,
I?m in charge of this competition,
I can change the rules if I wish to. ?
- So I am.
- You are?
You are what?
I am changing the rules.
Instead of having one speaker at
our bicentennial, we will have two.
You will combine your speeches
and present them together.
- You?re kidding.
- I assure you I am not.
I think it will be an excellent way
to pay proper tribute to our school.
So, what do you think of my little plan?
- Well...
- It?s...
Brilliant. Yes, I think so, too.
That?s all. Congratulations.
I would like the revised copy of
your speech on my desk by Tuesday.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Well, look who?s suddenly
decided to become Kofi Annan.
Excuse me?
Charleston thinks we need
to play nice with each other,
so he screws up the whole
bicentennial. This sucks.
Yes, it does suck.
So, what do we do now?
Do we have a choice?
Of course we have a
choice. You could say no.
Why could I say no? You could say no.
I could not say no. C-SPAN
is going to be there.
Well, I like C-SPAN as much as you do.
- You do not.
- I do, too.
Ask my mom, it?s all I talk about.
So, I guess we need a game plan now.
Okay. We can meet at school
tomorrow and work on it.
Or we could do it over the phone.
Over the phone?
We?re just combining two speeches, Rory.
There?s no reason we have to sit in
the same room and stare at each other.
Fine, whatever you want.
Tomorrow night, six
o?clock, I?ll call you.
I can?t wait.
- What are you doing here?
- We have a speech to write.
Yes, but we were supposed to do it
over the phone. That was the plan.
It?s a ridiculous plan. We have
to put two speeches together.
We have to rehearse them,
we have to hone our timing.
None of that can be done
effectively over the phone.
- But it was your idea.
- Oh, like you fought me on it?
- Of course I didn?t fight you on it.
- Okay then.
What, okay then?
Our conversation did
not just come to a close.
There was not a decision
made back there just now.
Look, I?m here, we should just
do this and get it over with.
Do you wanna study
here or in your bedroom?
Fine, I?ll go to a payphone.
Do you have payphones in this town
or are you still using a town crier?
- We?ll do it here.
- Whatever you say.
So, I think the first thing
to do is to acquaint ourselves
with each others? speeches so we
can judge who hit which point best.
Here.
Mine.
Good. Let?s read.
- Why did you use this font?
- Because I was on the crack.
- Did you check these facts?
- Yes, I did.
- And the spelling of these names?
- Yes, I did.
- Rory?
- What, Paris?
I slept with Jamie.
Last night, after we talked.
Was it something I said?
I went over there to study and
he lit a fire and then we did it.
- What are your thoughts on that?
- My thoughts?
Because I?m not exactly sure
how I feel about it myself yet.
I?ve been going over it in my head.
I mean, it seemed to go pretty well.
The fire was nice and thank God he didn?t
try to put on any ridiculous makeout music,
and then it just happened. I
was actually fairly surprised
at the timing of it because I wasn?t
wearing anything particularly alluring,
and in the moments
just before the act...
Oh, God.
We were actually discussing
modern day Marxism in America,
which is not what I would have deemed a
?come and get it? sort of conversation,
but nevertheless, he came and got it,
and I have to figure out what that
means to me on a psychological level.
So, I thought maybe if you and I could
have sort of a healthy debate about it,
I could come to some sort
of reasonable conclusion
about how I should be
feeling right about now.
So, come on, talk.
What do you think?
- I...
- Are you pro?
- Well...
- Con?
- Well...
- Undecided?
Paris, just stop talking for one second
and let me get my mind around this.
Sorry, go ahead, focus.
Could you focus faster because
I really need some feedback here.
Okay, so you are telling
me that you and Jamie...
Had sex.
Okay, so, were you safe?
Yes, it was a regular
after school special.
Well, was he nice to you?
Yes, he was very nice to me.
And the two of you had discussed this...
Well, I don?t know that
we actually discussed it,
it was just sort of implied.
- Implied?
- Yes, implied.
When you?re dating a boy and you?re
together for a given amount of time
and you?re not Amish, then the eventual
occurrence of intercourse is inevitable.
- I mean, wasn?t it with you?
- What?
- With Dean.
- No.
- No?
- No. I never did it with Dean.
Oh. Well, then with Jess, right?
Um, no.
- You?re lying.
- No, I?m not lying.
- You haven?t?
- No.
Why not?
I just haven?t.
It?s just not the time.
Why is it not the time? I mean,
if it?s not the time for you,
then maybe it?s not
the time for me either.
Paris, you can?t judge what?s right
for you against what?s right for me.
I mean, we are different, and
Jamie and Jess are different.
Well, yeah.
Maybe it was the time
for the two of you.
I guess.
I just wish I had the
data to back it up.
Some things can?t be analyzed.
Listen, Rory,
these last few weeks,
Francie got things all twisted around.
You let her get things
all twisted around.
I know.
I just tend to believe the
worst in people, you know?
Oh yeah, I know.
I?m...
That?s okay.
Hello, Mommy?s home!
We?re in here.
We?re, who?s we?re?
Oh, hey Paris. I didn?t know
you were coming over tonight.
It wasn?t planned.
Oh, I brought pizza
if you guys are hungry.
I have to take my retainer out first.
I?ll get the plates.
I?m taking you shopping tomorrow.
Why?
It just seems time...
for new shoes.
Okay.
I?ve got the good kid.
...of two hundred years of tradition,
Chilton begins its third century of
educating this country?s young students...
Okay, I got the coats hung,
and I slipped the girl a buck
to get the really good hangers.
You know, the ones with the dry
cleaning foam strips still attached.
Why are you frowning? Are you nervous?
What? No. I mean, yes.
Paris is supposed to
be here and she?s not.
Well, maybe she?s just
had a clothing crisis.
Maybe.
- Do you wanna call her?
- I did, no answer.
I?m sure she?s fine,
there?s traffic. Just relax.
Okay.
- There you are.
- Hi.
- Grandpa, you came.
- Of course I came.
I wouldn?t miss my granddaughter
talking on national TV.
That?s quite a nice
turnout you have here.
Yes, we?re very proud
of the number of people
who have nothing to
do on a Friday night.
Your mind never tires
for a moment, does it?
It will once people start talking.
Charming.
Okay, I?m gonna go
track down some coffee
?cause there?s no way they?re
not serving coffee at this thing.
I?ll be right back.
Relax, she?ll be here.
Stanford has been really fantastic.
- Will you excuse me for a moment?
- Sure.
We seem to be running into
each other a lot lately.
Oh, come on, you know where
there?s C-SPAN, there?s...
me.
Is Rory around?
She?s looking for Paris and panicking
she?s gonna have to do this alone.
Paris?ll come.
I told her that.
Listen, do you have a second?
Sure.
I just...
I just wanna talk to you about...
I just wanted to get away from...
anyhow.
We just haven?t really talked since...
No, we haven?t.
I always meant to call you, but...
I?m not good at calling when
a call is really necessary.
And then, you know...
if you don?t call for awhile,
it gets harder to call,
and then after awhile, it feels
like it?s too late to call,
and so you don?t, although you
always know that you should?ve called,
- and I should?ve called.
- It?s okay.
No, it?s not. I never really
explained what happened.
You didn?t marry me.
Yes, I know, but I never
really explained why.
- I just didn?t.
- You didn?t love me.
I don?t think I didn?t
love you. I think...
I think I was not ready to get married.
Because you didn?t love me.
No, I really don?t think that was it.
Sometimes the person you love is not the
person you?re ready to live with forever.
- I?m not saying this is right, but...
- Lorelai, listen to me.
I appreciate this, I really
do, but there?s no need for it.
I?m really okay.
Oh, no, I know you?re...
no, I?m sure you?re okay.
I?m not saying this
because you don?t look okay.
You look great. Really great.
Although, I?m not saying this because
you look really great, although you do.
Did you join a gym in California?
Lorelai, look. I?ve always wanted to
teach at a university like Stanford.
And finally, the opportunity came
up, I went, and it was wonderful.
And, frankly, if we had
been getting married,
I wouldn?t have been able to take it.
You?re welcome.
And being away gave me time to think.
I thought, and now I?m fine.
It?s just, we never had any closure.
Life?s not really about closure, is it?
No, I guess not.
So, you?re okay?
I?m okay. I?m over it.
- You sure?
- I am completely sure.
Well, then...
boy, don?t I feel stupid.
You are many things, but
stupid is not one of ?em.
I?m really glad I got to see you again.
Me, too.
- I better get back.
- Okay.
Rory, you and Paris should get
ready, you?re going on next.
Richard, I didn?t know you
were coming, how are you?
Very, very well, Hanlin.
Wonderful. Here, let me find you a seat.
Ah, I?m also with my daughter.
Then let me find you two seats.
Rory, where?s Paris?
I don?t know, I haven?t seen
her and I called her house.
Oh, dear. Well, I hope
you know both parts.
Okay, great.
You are going to be wonderful, trust me.
Now, did anyone ever to tell you to
picture the audience in their underwear?
- Yes.
- Well, don?t do it.
I did it once and I had
nightmares for a week.
- Bulgarians in Speedos.
- Say no more.
Hey, they?re rounding us up.
- Is she here yet?
- No.
Oh, just... oh, there she is.
Where? Oh, thank you God.
Okay, be great. We?ll see you afterward.
Where have you been? Paris, you okay?
And it is with great pleasure
that I introduce two young ladies
that epitomize the very best
of what Chilton has to offer.
Paris, are you okay?
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I give you Paris
Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
"Apply yourself.
Get all the education you
can, but then do something.
Don?t just stand there, make it happen. "
Lee lacocca.
"Education?s purpose is to replace
an empty mind with an open one. "
Malcolm Forbes.
"Education is an admirable
thing, but it is well to remember
from time to time that nothing that
is worth knowing can be taught. "
Oscar Wilde.
These are only three of many countless
views on the expansion of the human mind.
I personally believe in all of them,
and fortunately for me, so does Chilton.
An institution not just
because of age and standing,
but because of ideas.
Because it encourages ideas
and it will accept nothing less
than everything you have to give.
This is the place where our lives start.
You know, it?s funny,
me standing here before you right now.
I?ve thought about nothing else
for four years but this school,
this big important school
with all of its history
and tradition and really super teachers.
And I dedicated myself to it completely,
heart and soul,
believing in its power,
believing in its ability to
get me where I needed to go.
Harvard.
I thought of nothing else.
Many of you out there
can attest to that fact.
I was on my way and
nothing could stop me.
And here?s the really funny thing,
after four years of slaving away,
I go home today and I found this.
I?m not going to Harvard.
I got the tiny envelope,
the one that reads,
"Sorry, Paris. We?re not interested.
Try again next year. Love, Harvard. "
And the thing that?s
really funny here is,
who in the world deserves to
go to Harvard more than me?
Have you seen how hard I?ve
worked over these past four years?
I mean, can anyone here believe
that I?m not going to Harvard?
I can?t.
I?m not going to Harvard.
I am not going to Harvard.
I had sex, but I?m not going to Harvard.
Okay.
And I have to tell you
that if you asked me
which of those two events I thought
would be the least likely to happen,
it would not be the
not going to Harvard.
Thank you and good night.
I?m being punished. I had sex, so
now I don?t get to go to Harvard.
Paris, come on.
She?s never had sex. She?ll
probably go to Harvard.
She?s a shoe in. Pack your chastity
belt, Gilmore ? you?re going to Harvard!
Come on!
How could I have not
gotten into Harvard?
Five generations of Gellars
have gotten into Harvard.
Even if I was the Billy
Carter of the family,
the name is still supposed
to carry some weight.
Paris.
They had to really not like
me for me to not get in.
- It?s like they know me or something.
- Stop.
I know how much this
meant to you, Paris,
but you are going to get
just as good an education
at one of the other great schools
you?re destined to get into.
And you know what?
Maybe it?s a good thing that
you?re going to a different school
than the rest of your family.
You?ll be doing your own thing,
starting your own tradition.
Doesn?t that sound exciting?
I can?t believe I slept with Jamie.
I?m a slut.
No, you?re not. You love him.
What if he doesn?t love me anymore?
What if he doesn?t think
I?m special anymore?
How am I going to tell him
I didn?t get into Harvard?
What am I gonna do?
Paris, I don?t know why
you didn?t get into Harvard,
but you are so smart
and so special and you?ll see,
everything?s gonna be fine.
Hey, I just wanted to make
sure everything was okay.
Yeah, we?ve got everything
under control, thanks.
Okay. I?ll be outside
when you?re ready. No rush.
Thanks.
Well, all I?ve gotta say is,
after all the trouble this
sex thing has caused me,
I better have been good.
That?s the perspective I know and love.
Dad, hi, sorry. I was
just checking on the girls.
Well, I hope they?re feeling
very good about themselves.
They did a wonderful job.
Yes, I?m sure they?ll be very
pleased to hear you think so.
Listen, I need to get home.
I?m expecting a very important call from
China that unfortunately I cannot miss.
That?s fine, Dad. I?ll
tell Rory you had to go.
All right. And tell her I?ll
call her later, and give her this.
That?s very nice. Now
how about my finder?s fee?
You?re very amusing. Thank
you for a lovely evening,
and I?ll see the two of you on Friday.
Good night. Sleep tight.
Excuse me, hi. I am
not seeing my coat here,
and it was very cute and it was on sale,
and I will fling myself
off a building if I lose it.
We put some of the coat racks
in the classroom over there,
take a look. Otherwise the staircase
to the roof is on your right.
Thank you.
Took two hundred years, but somebody
at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
Okay.
So, this is where they keep
the coats they?re ashamed of.
Well, this school has taken
snobbery to a whole new level.
So, is Rory okay?
Oh, yeah, I just went back there.
She?s taking care of Paris,
but she?s good, thanks.
I must say, I?ve been a
teacher for ten years now,
and it wasn?t until today I realized,
it must be really hard to be a girl.
And with the invention of
Sephora, really expensive, too.
- I?m very sorry.
- Oh, don?t be.
At least we get to wear
skirts without being Scottish
or riding a float in
the gay pride parade.
That?ll change someday my friend,
and when it does, I
still won?t wear a skirt.
But I?ll applaud those that do,
and then cross the street
so nobody sees I?m with them.
- It was nice seeing you.
- Nice to see you, too.
- Take care of yourself.
- I will.
And apparently, I?m not over it.
I?m not getting rid
of my knives, Jackson.
I?m a chef, I have to have knives.
And I?m also not cutting
off the water supply
and I?m not sanding down all
the edges of my furniture.
Now, I?m sorry that you think
this house is a deathtrap,
and I?m sorry that you think
there is nothing in our lifestyles
that is conducive to having a baby,
but our kid is gonna have to be bright
enough not to disconnect the water hose
that goes to the automatic ice maker
and shove it up his or her nose.
Now go to sleep.
Did I tell you how happy I am?
No, you didn?t.
I have never been happier about
anything in my entire life.
Really?
Our wedding day, but this is
running a really close second.
Jackson.
Now if you would just
get rid of the knives,
I think it could make it a tie.
I wasn?t kidding about the knives.
Goodnight Jackson.
If I could read you the
statistics just one more time.
I love you, Jackson.
Hold on, I?ll find them.
- But...
- I don?t know.
What does this mean?
I don?t know.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don?t know.
What about Alex?
I don?t know.
But is Max going to...
Oh, honey, have you gotten the clue?
There?s not gonna be a
wealth of information tonight.
Sorry.
It?s just so...
The big one.
Looks like Paris was right.
Apparently, you are the
biggest virgin in the world.
So, what?
I don?t know.
Well, what does this mean?
I don?t know.
Which one are you gonna choose?
I don?t know.
I guess we better go inside.
We both have a lot of
things to figure out, huh?
So what are the odds that Paris is ever
gonna have sex again in this lifetime?
I don?t know.
Synchro: Amariss
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