Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 3, Episode 11 - I Solemnly Swear - full transcript

Hi.
- Good evening, may I take your coats? - Sure. Thanks.
That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.
- Your mother's in the living room. - So last chance to run?
- Excuse me? - Just ignore her.
Of course I said it.
I can't imagine who would take "jackbooted" as a compliment.
I will not apologize.
Every time she went to the pantry, I thought she was marching on Poland.
I see. Because I want things a certain way, I'm unreasonable.
That is the most absurd....
I want to see this document. Fax it to me immediately.
She's part of the electronic age.
Tomorrow morning is completely unacceptable.
It's unacceptable because I'm paying you $300 an hour.
Turn that little near-luxury car around, go back to your office...
and fax me that libelous paper.
Ask her if he can pick up some ice cream, too.
Tell your wife to tape your daughter's recital.
- Unbelievable. - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Grandma. - When did you get here?
Sometime between the second "absurd" and the third "unbelievable."
- Sorry, that call caught me off guard. - Is everything all right, Grandma?
- Everything's fine. - Are you sure? You look peeved.
- I'm not peeved. - You look peeved.
Kindly stop making me say the word "peeved."
Mom, spill it. What's wrong?
That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids...
is suing for wrongful termination.
- You might at least act surprised. - It's not the first time, is it?
- It most certainly is. - Really?
- Yes, Lorelai, really. - Well, then I'm surprised.
- It's beyond surprise, it's outrageous. - What did Grandpa say?
He's still in London helping his mother close down her house.
- Of course he'd not be here now. - He planned it that way.
- Which maid was it? - Gerta, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
- Which one was she? - You remember...
she was the one you made the Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.
- God, I beat that dead horse. - With glee.
- She was the clomper. - The clomper?
She'd be upstairs, and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.
- That's why you fired her? - Yes.
Because she made noise when she walked?
- Was she a good maid otherwise? - What?
Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time...
and put the little fork on the outside?
Have you been listening to me?
She was not performing her duties as I wished them performed.
- Everything else is beside the point. - It's always something.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You find the one thing about a maid...
that negates all of her good qualities. Isn't it easier to let some things slide?
- So it's my fault. - I didn't say that.
No, Lorelai, you did. For years I've been listening to you...
your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am...
how I have to have things a certain way. Guess what?
I pay to have them that way.
I pay more than anyone pays their maids. If things aren't how I want...
I'm not getting what I paid for. Is that hard to understand?
It isn't hard to understand--
If you pay for first class, and they stick you in coach...
people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable.
Yet here is this woman, whom I pay more than she can get elsewhere...
whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine...
dragging me into court, saying that I was unfair. Why?
Because having paid for one thing I'm not content with another? Am I unfair?
Then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.
Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner's ready.
Thank you, Brooke, we'll be right there.
Wait!
- Do you hear that? - Hear what?
Exactly.
Next time I want some grapefruit, I'm just gonna ask for a kazoo...
because you can only give me the bizarre opposite.
- What is your problem? - I need you to.... What?
- This morning! - It started, you were supposed to call me.
- Stop talking. - I understand perfectly...
- you want to be a dictator. - Come off it!
Comdt. St. James says, "Brussels sprouts! You'll bring me Brussels sprouts!"
I'm trying to plan a menu here, Jackson!
Fill me in, please.
Jackson brought pea tendrils instead of Brussels sprouts.
- Aren't we Evil Knievel? - Coffee?
Pea tendrils are too delicate to serve with the lamb shank.
- I don't think that they are! - Where are the Brussels sprouts?
- The stocks weren't good enough! - You always do this to me.
Doesn't it matter that I care about the quality of the produce I sell you?
That I'd be willing to risk an enormous argument just to save your dinner?
- That was dumb. - Save my dinner?
- You know what I meant. - Yes.
My dinner is out, standing on a ledge. Oh, no. What's going to happen?
- Sookie. - Wait. What's that? It's a bird, it's a plane.
It's Super Jackson, and his atomic pea tendrils!
- You want to get another produce guy? - Maybe I should.
- Go ahead! - Don't tempt me!
That's it, I am leaving.
- Go, but take the tendrils with you! - Fine!
- See you tonight? - I love you.
And it always ends with a hug.
- Okay, what do you need? - The new insurance policies you ordered.
Good. The inspector's coming by to check the place out tomorrow...
- so you'll have to show him around. - What?
You're covering for me, remember?
Yes, that's right. Tomorrow you two go back to school.
Not school. A one-day course at the learning center.
How to run an inn.
Amazing you've been able to fake it so long.
This is specific to opening small inns, bed and breakfasts.
I see. Order half of everything. There, you owe me $75.
Why are you being such a snob about this? You went to hotel school.
- I attended the École Hôtelière de Genève. - That has to make a hell of a sweatshirt.
It's one of the premier hotel schools in the world.
You, however, are taking a two-hour course at the Radisson.
Jackson's taken a lot of courses through the learning center, he loves it.
- He took beekeeping-- - Jackson keeps bees?
No, he was allergic. One stung his lip...
and his head blew up to three times its normal size.
Please tell me you have pictures?
He also took courses in how to buy foreclosed real estate and writing diaries.
How do you not know how to write a diary?
- He's a searcher. - Yes.
Plus, I think he was really lonely before we got together...
and he didn't live near a good bar.
Yes. I predict tomorrow will be a waste of time and money...
- and I'll laugh at you when you return. - Thanks for your support.
Forget him. Opening our own inn is a huge step.
- Anything that helps is worth trying. - Exactly, partner.
Tell me you have pictures of Jackson's giant head.
I'll bring them in tomorrow.
Hey, Paris.
Have you looked over the votes for commencement speaker?
Are the ones for Princess Diana's butler jokes or real?
- I'd say jokes. - The ones for Dr. Phil?
- I think real. - That suggestion box was a bad idea.
Watch Choate get Joan Didion while we're being read Eloise at the Plaza.
Listen. Before the others get here, we should decide what we're going to do.
- About what? - The prom coup Francie staged last week.
Booking Wadsworth Mansion?
Using all the money reserved for the telescope.
Why does one pinhead always have to vote for Jerry Garcia?
I'm not sure if the check has been sent--
- I took care of that. - What?
Wadsworth Mansion is owned by the Connecticut Daughters of the Mayflower.
Most of them couldn't negotiate an icy sidewalk, much less a contract.
It took me five minutes on the phone to get them down to half the asking price.
You're kidding.
No way am I letting the class gift be a stupid tree...
- so Ginger Spice can have a dream prom. - She's a sneak.
She's not smart enough to be a sneak. Anyone can call a meeting.
It's that loser, Mr. Hunter, that let her do it.
She kind of forced him into it.
You can't force a teacher into something. No, it was Hunter.
He's been jealous of me since I got into office.
Whenever I announce I have a motion to introduce, he flinches.
Actually physically tightens up for a moment. It's creepy.
Yeah, but--
Our fearless leaders at work already. I feel so safe.
- That girl bugs me. - Relax, she's harmless.
Paris, Rory.
- "Paris, Rory." Bed-wetter. Shall we sit? - Fine, let's sit.
I call this meeting of the student council to order.
- Is the secretary ready? - I am.
Then let's proceed. First of all, I would like to apologize...
for missing last week's somewhat impromptu meeting.
As most of you know, its scheduling was somewhat unorthodox...
since the meeting was a supplementary meeting...
which was a concept invented by me.
The fact that anyone would hold a meeting...
invented by a certain person without that person, seems....
Let's see, what's the word?
Mutinous, insulting, underhanded and, in the end, fruitless...
since I renegotiated the rental fee for the Wadsworth Mansion...
so that we can have the prom...
and give the school a respectable senior gift in the form of a telescope.
Any questions, Mr. Christian? I mean, Mr. Hunter.
- No. - Good.
So, now that that's out of the way, let's move on to other business.
- Francie. - As you know, Health Week is coming up.
We have speakers to discuss everything from heart disease and exercise...
to the dangers of sun damage and fried food.
Everyone's booked and ready to go.
But we have to figure out where to set up the sign-up table...
for the annual blood drive.
- Jeez! What's the matter? - She hates the word "blood."
Give me a heart attack.
- Keep your hands on your ears. - Tell me when it's over.
As I was saying before the freak-out...
we need to figure out where to place the sign-up table.
- I can still hear her. - Hum to yourself.
Continue, please.
I'm proposing putting it in the cafeteria, for easy access, maximum exposure...
and almost 90% of the student body visits it every day.
- It's the perfect location. - Well?
- No. - Excuse me?
You can't set up in the cafeteria. It's a fire hazard.
It is?
- You'll have to find another place. - You're kidding.
I never kid about fire safety.
I know the fire codes for the cafeteria.
As long as we don't have more than 300 people, we can start an opium den...
and the fire department wouldn't care.
A: I think they would care. And B: I'm not talking about numbers.
You get people thinking about blood, someone smells smoke...
the next thing, 50 stampeding teenagers are using your body to lever open a door.
- I won't allow that. - This is Xanadu level of insane.
You're opposing the blood drive.
No, I'm opposing the blood drive in the cafeteria.
- Is it that big a deal? - It's the rules of common decency...
and I'll be damned if I let Francie ignore those rules.
Okay, motion denied.
The senior class president will come up with an alternate plan...
for the location of the sign-up table for the blood drive.
Louise, poke John Williams...
and tell her she can cut the score. We're moving on.
Advertising space in the yearbook is only 50% sold, as of right now.
What are we going to do about this?
- Roger, yes. - Well, this....
- Dinner. - Over here.
We're so in luck. It was International Grab Bag Night at Al's.
Cool. Did you peek?
And ruin the whole point of the mystery dinner? I think not. Pick.
- That one. - Okay.
I love this. It's food and a game all in one.
- We open them at the same time. - I know.
There's a lot of pressure associated with International Grab Bag Night.
As your mother, I'm responsible to give you structure.
On three. One, two, three.
- Moroccan. - You always say Moroccan.
And sooner or later, I will be right. What's yours?
Pan-Asian with a hint of English Colonial, and a few South African influences.
Way to hedge your bet. Kitchen?
- I'm just going to check the machine. - Okay.
It's Bob Merriman, your mother's lawyer.
I'm calling about this lawsuit she's involved in.
We'd like it if you could give a deposition on her behalf.
If you could call me tomorrow with some times that are convenient...
- I can set up.. .. - Oh, no!
- What? - No.
- Hello. - No.
- Who is this? - I am not giving a deposition.
Of course you are.
- Leave me out of this. - I see.
You're going to let this lead-footed Teutonic chambermaid...
drag your mother into a public forum and humiliate her? Is that it?
- Is that what I'm hearing? - Mom.
Her lawyer knows we asked for this deposition.
How will it look if you refuse to testify for your own mother?
- It's none of my business. - I'm sure the rocket scientists...
they assemble as a jury will see it that way.
I doubt they'll be able to find 12 people in Connecticut whom you haven't fired.
- I can't believe you won't defend me. - I'm not gonna lie for you.
I want you to tell them how I treat my maids.
I won't lie for you.
All you have to do is tell them I treat the help fairly.
I'm not gonna lie for you.
Lorelai, there is something called family loyalty:
When someone is in trouble, you help them...
as I've helped you several times over the years.
The very least you could do in return...
is spend half an hour saying something kind about your mother.
Fine.
Thank you. Your devotion is touching.
- I have to give a deposition. - I don't think this is Moroccan.
Not recently.
- Want some of mine? - No.
- Yikes. Luke's? - Let's go.
I can't stress enough the value of a good paint job.
The first decision you'll have to make when you open your inn...
is whether to employ your housekeepers individually...
or contract out to a housekeeping service.
If you use a service, you'll be assured of having a replacement housekeeper...
if one should call in sick or quit suddenly....
But you'll pay $2 more an hour and they'll be loyal to the service, not you.
However, you'll probably end up paying a bit more...
than if you hired them individually.
I can't believe you're taking notes.
He has said nothing in the last two hours that we didn't already know...
and he's saying it really condescendingly.
In addition to being bored, I'm getting hostile...
and insecure because you're studying and I'm not.
- Pick a color. - Pink!
- 'Cause you're a girl. - Exactly.
- P-I-N-K. Pick a number. - Five.
You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.
- Good for me. - My turn.
Some of us are here to learn.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
- We had a cootie-catcher. - We're sorry.
As I was saying, the points we've covered should get you started.
But remember, it's a long process.
So don't get discouraged.
I'm sure one day I'll be staying...
in each and every one of your inns.
- He's not staying in our inn. - Thank you.
Now, don't run off just yet. We've got one final treat.
I'd like to introduce you all to John Mattern.
Hello, everyone. I'm very pleased to be here addressing you today.
I asked Brian if I could just have a few minutes at the end of today...
to show you all some opportunities...
that I think you're going to find really exciting.
I know that I do. If we could.
This is a lovely property that has just become available...
right outside of Litchfield.
It's a sales pitch?
They spent two hours telling us nothing and then try to sell us lame property?
- We already know the place we're buying. - I know.
So what do we do?
I'm crushing your head. Let's go.
A perfectly restorable sun porch wraps around the entire main structure.
Let's step inside this diamond in the rough.
Unbelievable, shocking, working at an inn and learning so little.
We must be dumb.
Who would ever think that inns need doors and floors?
- Doors and floors, we can't afford that. - We'd better...
- or our guests will fall right into China. - Can you imagine the phone calls?
What was Jackson thinking saying these courses were good?
You're asking me. The man took a course in diary-writing.
Thank God, food.
Is it worth it if we made up our $75 admission fee in cookies?
Considering that in the past hour I uttered the phrase:
"My God, I should have listened to Michel"...
these better be the best cookies in the world.
And they taste like feet.
Even their cookies suck. Stand by, I'm going in for coffee.
Sookie? Sookie St. James?
It's Joe, Joe Mastoni, from the Deerhill Lodge.
Oh, my God! Joe from the Deerhill Lodge!
It's Joe from the Deerhill Lodge.
How are you? Sorry.
Come here.
Lorelai, this is Joe. Joe, Lorelai.
Nice to meet you. This is Alex, my partner.
Business partner.
Clarification duly noted. Nice to meet you.
Joe and I worked one summer in the Berkshires.
We had a wild time that summer, didn't we?
A wild time? Do tell.
We'd all work 14 hours...
party till dawn, then pile in Joe's van, and wake up in New Hampshire or Maine...
with just enough time to get back for the next shift.
We had a real interesting group: Sookie, me, Feldman, Mellon, Bung.
- Bung? - He was the grill man.
He'd been up there for a couple of years already.
- But Joe and I were both in prep. - And I repeat: Bung?
I'm still wondering if Mellon's a man or a woman.
I promised myself after that summer...
I would never chop small green things en masse ever again.
Or drink leftover wine on an empty stomach.
Let me see your hands.
- Hey, nice blisters. - Let me see yours.
Oh, not bad.
I'm careful about using towels with the hot stuff these days.
- Sissy. - Yeah. So what are you doing here?
Lorelai and I are opening an inn together, so we came for a class.
Really? We're here for a class about opening your own coffee place.
- Chain of coffee places. - That's great.
- We'll see, it's new territory for us. - He at least knows the food industry.
I'm from ironwork. I know what the security gate...
- you pull down is made of. - Don't listen to him.
- He is an incredible businessman. - That's true.
So far we've got a business model planned out.
There are a few prime locations we're interested in.
The only thing left to do, besides building it, is pick a name.
- Little tip: Don't choose anything cute. - Oh, like "Jitters."
- "Spill the Beans." - "Higher Ground."
Or "The Mud House."
- Actually, I like that. - Me too, we call dibs.
- Weren't you opening an inn? - Keeping our options open.
- You hear about Feldman's restaurant? - The Feldster opened a restaurant?
I know I'm repeating, but "The Feldster"?
I can't believe he opened his own place.
- He spent the summer getting stoned. - He was our baker.
- That figures. - Baker, getting baked, I'm there.
Congrats. You still can't have "The Mud House."
Remember the last reception we catered?
The parakeets, everyone dressed as knights and ladies.
Oh, God.
- Old friends? - Yeah, there's nothing like them.
I never figured out how Bung got into a fight with the bride.
Everything was fine then he was beating her with the ice sculpture.
Remember when you and Fat Sal got locked in the freezer overnight?
- Fat Sal? - Work with me here.
Oh, Fat Sal, right.
Then Feldman got into a fight with the bride's mother.
That's right! He went after the whole bridal party.
- Remember how me and the Bruiser-- - Never liked him.
We found you guys in the morning frozen together like bacon.
I still can't eat bacon.
Remember what Feldman told the cops?
Oh, yeah!
Then before Bruiser and I would let you out...
- we made you and Fat Sal kiss? - I'm not sure I remember that.
You know, I actually don't remember what Feldman told the cops.
He tried to pretend he didn't speak English, remember?
- That's right, the "flooginshorts." - Yes, the "flooginshorts."
Great, now we have to make up our own language?
This is exhausting.
- His restaurant is right here in Hartford. - No, really?
We should swing by one night and bust his chops.
We'll keep sending back plate after plate until he gets so angry he comes out.
- Let's make a plan. - Sure.
Call me at the Independence Inn, where we work.
- For now. - Sounds great.
- So glad we ran into each other. - Me, too.
It was nice meeting you. Good luck with everything.
Thanks. You, too.
- I'm glad we got a chance to catch up. - If you see Fat Sal, give him a kiss for me.
- I'll do that. - Okay.
That was a great surprise.
You and that guy knew each other, too? What a coincidence.
Come on, honey.
How many times do I tell them?
You can't put a 2-inch ladle of gravy into a 1-inch potato crater.
You need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater.
Or you get this.
- Gravy on your asparagus. - Yes.
The cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day.
- A little gravy spillage is natural. - So I should just sit quietly and shovel in...
whatever slop they throw my way, like inmates in the chow line...
at Leavenworth, doing 20 to life? I don't think so.
I'll save your seat.
They took my tray. I can't believe they took my tray.
I just told them I wanted some new asparagus, and they took my tray.
I also told them to buy a slightly looser hairnet...
that wouldn't squish the part of the brain that can judge depth...
and measurements, and then they took my tray, but still.
Now what?
Are you gonna eat that?
Good, you're here. We need to talk.
We have three classes together. We couldn't talk then?
I thought alone would be better.
Besides, you picked the place.
What do you want?
- I want a truce. - Excuse me?
A truce. You know. No more fighty-fighty?
I don't believe you.
Look.
This is not the way I wanted things to work out. Honestly.
Yes, the hemline thing bugged me and Paris is not my idea of a secret sister.
- I never intended for things to go so far. - No.
It's my senior year, too.
Why would I want to spend time scheming and fighting? It's exhausting.
I want to stop this war, this vendetta, this Sicilian thing.
- It must end. - This seems awful sudden.
My time is precious. If I'm not going to truly commit to a grudge...
I'd like to move on and put that energy elsewhere.
Come on, what do you say? Friends?
- Sort of. - Friends.
- Sort of. - Shake.
Stop doing that.
You'll come in early and set up the conference room...
- for the group from Michigan. - Yes, I will.
Sookie's on top of the menu.
Make sure the dining room is open. We need to confirm the rooms they need.
I have this written on a notepad right next to my self-help book:
Why Don't People Think You Know What the Hell You're Doing?
Sorry, I'm a little stressed. This whole deposition thing.
- Relax, it's very easy. - It is?
- You've done it? - Once. It was nothing.
- Why were you deposed? - My neighbor had this dog....
A frisky little scamp that loved to yap to friends all night. It was so cute.
Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew.
But sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.
- You got rid of a dog? - No.
How could you get rid of a dog?
I will show you the lawyer's transcript and the results of the lie detector test.
- You're heinous. - And very well-rested.
- Hi, remember me? - Of course I do.
- Nice to see you again. - This is a beautiful place.
- Well, keeps the rain off. - Right.
Is Sookie around?
Yeah, she is. Right through there, in the kitchen.
Thank you.
Here, give me those. I'll file them with the rest.
Stop that.
- I'll just be a minute. - No, don't rush.
I was almost done with dinner, then I changed my mind...
- about the appetizers. - Sounds like old times.
This place is a long way from the sweatbox of the Deerhill.
We've upgraded a lot the past few years.
We got a new refrigerated table and replaced the vertical mixers.
- You still got the 52-inch Viking. - I just like how big it is.
I blew it up once. But I had it rebuilt. I refuse to cook on anything else.
- Stick with what you know. - Exactly. Taste this.
- A bit more brandy. - I knew you'd say that.
- People like brandy. - You mean you like brandy--
And I'm people. We always had a good time together, didn't we?
- It was a good group. - You always made it better.
I kept you fools from driving off a mountainside.
Very true.
I'm glad we ran into each other. You rarely get a second chance.
What do you mean?
I can't tell you how often I've kicked myself for not asking you out.
We always ended up talking about making calves liver or something.
- Sautéed with caramelized onions. - Exactly.
At the Learning Center, it was like fate was saying, "Here you go, man.
"Try not to screw it up again."
Things had to happen in their own time.
In their own time.
Could you just stir? I'll be back.
Sir, I'm afraid we don't offer a complimentary breakfast.
Sir, I realize the Ramada does.
If you like, I could recommend a few places in town.
Why don't you talk to your wife and call me back?
Okay, 'bye.
- Shields and Yarnell, what's going on? - He thinks it's a date.
Joe, he thinks this is a date.
- Is he crazy? - Exactly.
- You were there, it's not a date, is it? - No.
You were going to go bust Feldster's chops.
- That's not a date. - That's what I thought.
He keeps saying how he liked me and how this is his second chance.
- He's liked you for 10 years? - Yes.
- That is some serious Great Gatsby pining. - I know.
- You're his Daisy. - I am. I'm his Daisy.
- I'm someone's Daisy. - Very flattering.
It is. But I didn't bring it on, did I?
- Did I flirt? - You did not flirt.
- You were talking about Bung. - Right.
You can't flirt when talking about Bung. It's impossible.
He read into it because he wanted to.
What's Jackson going to say?
It's a misunderstanding. He'll be fine.
Go and explain it to Joe.
What do I tell him? He's waited 10 years for this.
How can you hand out that kind of rejection?
- I could tell him I've become a lesbian. - "I'm married" might work.
Right, I'm married. Good, that's very good.
It'll be fine. He's a nice guy with good taste.
- I'm his Daisy. - Be happy later.
Right. I'm going in.
Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.
At the risk of seeming like Joe the Drunken Chef...
I added more port to the sauce.
- Now, just promise to try it. - Joe, we need to talk.
You've mellowed.
In the old days, you'd have called me an idiot and dumped it in the trash.
It's not that. You put in more port?
This is a pheasant sauce, not the punch bowl at a frat party.
Just try it.
No, that's not what I meant to say. It's just...
there's been a misunderstanding.
I thought this thing tonight was just a friends thing.
- You know, not like a date thing. - Oh.
Not that going out with you would be bad. Except it would be very, very bad.
But only because I'm married. I meant to say that first. See?
Last May, I just.... Where's my.... Hang on.
See. This was supposed to be...
when I hold my hand up, 'cause otherwise, "Whatcha doin'," right?
Okay. Here.
I take it off when I'm cooking, but, look...
there it is, right where it should be, on my finger.
- You're married. - Yes, I am.
I hope that's okay.
If your husband's good with it, how can I complain?
- You're not mad? - Why would I be mad?
- Because you thought this was a date. - Not mad. Feeling a little stupid.
- Here, let me give you some money. - I didn't spend any money.
Let me give you some money anyway.
I'll be mad if you throw the sauce out before you try it, okay?
Okay.
Tell you what. Why don't we make a plan to harass Feldman some other time?
You can bring your husband and I'll see if I can get a real date.
That'd be fun. Come on, I'll walk you out.
You know, we could even get some of the old gang together.
I'll drive.
I guess this'll teach me not to wait ten years next time.
- Anyway, I'll give you a call. - 'Bye, Joe.
See, he's smiling. I knew it was nothing to get worked up over.
You obviously let him down very well.
Now, maybe you guys can be friends.
I'm a whore!
This is silly. I know how to answer a question.
It's your first deposition. Grandma's lawyers want you to be prepared.
Sample questions. Great.
It's bad enough I have to give a deposition, now I have to study for it?
- Shall we begin? - Go ahead.
"Please describe how your mother runs her household."
Do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?
Did that reference date me? I should've gone with the Express Yourself video?
- Should we stop? - Sorry. Ask me another.
"Would you say your mother is an easy woman to get along with?"
- No. Next. - You're not taking this seriously.
- I am taking this seriously. - You can't say that.
Oh, so you want me to lie.
No, you don't have to lie, it's all about how you present the truth.
For example, you could have said, "My mother is a perfectionist."
Do you promise to visit Mommy in jail?
- Yes, I do. - Okay, then. My mother is a perfectionist.
- Very good. - Oh, hey. Where are you going?
I'm going to Doose's because we are out of food.
How can you be out of food?
It starts with, "Jess, you do the ordering this week."
And ends with me selling Kirk a lettuce sandwich.
- We've eaten those. - I'll pick up stuff to hold us till tomorrow.
- Get burgers. - Tater tots.
- And pickles. - Okay. Hold on a sec.
Burgers, tater tots, pickles. You want cheese on the burger?
- Cheddar. - And Swiss.
- Dessert? - We have to decide now?
- I would seriously advise it. - Pie.
- Cherry. - And whipped cream and dental floss.
And paper towels and People magazine.
We're really hungry.
Paris, good. I so need to talk to you.
Are you lost?
First of all, I really want to commend you on your job as president so far.
Thank you.
The way you negotiated on some of those convoluted school issues.
Mind-blowing. I watch in awe.
And that's why this is so hard...
because I have major respect for you.
The last thing I would want is you getting the wrong impression of my loyalties.
What are you talking about?
These were shoved in my locker this morning. I didn't know what to do.
So I thought to myself, I'll show them to Paris.
- I'll explain and she'll understand. - Explain what, what is this?
Rory came to me and said she wanted to talk about some things.
You know, policy, the prom, the senior gift, etc.
So I said, "Why don't we talk about them...
"at the student council meeting with Paris?"
She says she'll do this without Paris.
She said, "She is too wrapped up in her boyfriend...
"to care about any of this." I didn't know what to do.
So I went and then I found these, and I'm just so upset.
I mean, I would never intentionally do anything behind your back, Paris.
I promise the next time she tries to get me, I'll say, "Talk to the hand," you know?
- Yes, I know what you mean. - Are you mad? Say you're not mad.
- I couldn't live if I thought you were mad. - No, I'm not mad.
Well, thank God for that.
Okay, class, we will begin in five minutes.
Does your helmet smell? I always get one that smells.
You'd think the brain trust behind PE could come up with a sport...
- that wouldn't give you helmet hair. - Like badminton.
- Striptease aerobics. - What?
Really big in L.A. You go through the motions, you don't have to strip.
Do the others throw money at you?
Mock. But tell me this, have you seen an overweight stripper?
The word "no" seems so inadequate all of a sudden.
- Where have you been? - Washing my hands.
Okay.
All right, everyone. Take your places.
We will warm up with your counter-sixte riposte-quarte.
- Melanie, please lead the group. - Oh, my God, there's a hair in mine.
Close your eyes and think of England, honey.
Isn't it strange to be practicing a sport whose original purpose was to kill people?
It's like if high schools of the future had artillery teams...
or high-altitude bombing or something.
Beginning salute. En garde. Right side, advance.
- You okay? - Right side, retreat.
- Why do you ask? - And lunge.
- You just seem weird. - Left side, advance.
- Easy there, Paris. - Left side, retreat.
- We're fencing, not playing pattycake. - Lunge.
It's interesting how you think you know someone.
- Right side, quarte lunge. - You trust a person, you rely on a person.
Then you realize you've been had. Ever experience that?
Riposte.
- Paris. - I hate being had.
Why are you saying this? You're not supposed to be parrying that hard.
Sorry. Maybe I should turn around so you can stick it in my back.
- What? - I saw the pictures.
- Pictures? - You know what pictures.
- Obviously I don't know. - The pictures of you and Francie.
- Me and Francie? - In the parking garage, talking about me.
- Don't make that face. - What face? I'm wearing a mask.
"I'm Rory, don't you want to pet me?" face.
You've been meeting behind my back.
- We haven't, we met once. - You admit it.
- Yes, but it wasn't what you think! - Brutus.
Paris, you have to listen to me.
Francie wanted to meet to call a truce.
She took those pictures of us.
- She's setting me up, manipulating you. - Of course she is!
I know when someone's trying to manipulate me.
It doesn't change the fact that you met with her behind my back.
- I was trying to help you! - You were?
You mean in-between betraying me and selling me out...
you were trying to help me?
You are quite a Renaissance woman, aren't you?
- Stop it! - Make me!
Come back here, Gilmore. Come back and fight like a man.
And the worst part is, you told her about Jamie.
I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend.
I still can't believe I got sucked in like that.
Francie's pure evil, she'll probably wind up President.
Paris is so upset. She totally thinks I betrayed her.
- She'll calm down. - She'll never calm down.
- She'll calm down. - I can't believe I was her best friend.
- I feel awful. - Look, I tell you what.
Go back to school tomorrow and let her stab you.
- Great idea. - I'm nothing if not full of suggestions.
Or full of something. Hey, Grandma.
- Hi, Mom. - Come in, it's cold.
Do you want me to talk to her, arrange a sit-down?
- No, thanks. - Come on.
We'll have it in an Italian restaurant, you'll go to the bathroom...
come out shooting, and then I'll send you to Italy.
- Well, I do want to go to Italy. - Two birds with one stone, my friend.
- Is everything okay? - Of course, why wouldn't it be okay?
- I don't know. You just seem a little quiet. - Do I? I guess I do.
I don't really have a lot to say, actually.
I know, why don't I read to you instead?
- What's that? - This? Nothing, just your deposition.
How did you get--
Listen. It's fun. Okay.
"Question: Would you say your mother is a tolerant woman?"
- Oh, boy. - "Answer: Well, sure."
- What? I said you were. - You said, "Sure."
Which to most people means yes.
Yes, to most people it does, but your sure is always sarcastic.
I do not have a sarcastic sure, do I?
Pick spot on carpet and stare.
"Question: Why has your mother dismissed maids in the past?"
- Mom. - "Answer: Different reasons."
- Well, that's true, right? - "Can you expand on that? Answer:
- "Gee, how much time do you have?" - Okay, see--
"If you guys have a lunch or an afternoon squash game or something.
"You look like the kind who play squash.
"Why is it called squash? Is it something to do with a fruit or vegetable, right?
"A squash is a vegetable, though, if you ask me...
"it's gross no matter what you call it.
"I'm saying you might want to clear your afternoon."
I was flustered, he was using lawyer tricks.
- By asking you to expand? - Now you decide to pipe in?
- Didn't I tell you this was important? - Yes, you did.
Even though I told you it was important...
you couldn't put aside your personal antagonism toward me...
for one day and help me out.
This is not fair. I said a lot of nice things about you in there.
Oh, really?
"Would you say your mother sets impossible goals...
"which people can't help but fail to reach...
"thereby reinforcing her already formed opinion of their deficiencies?
- "Answer: Only for her daughter." - Okay, not there, but keep flipping.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but dinner is ready.
Dinner, hey, dinner's ready.
Who's hungry besides me?
I'd keep it warm, we're going to be here a while. Okay. Go ahead.
"Would you call your mother an extremely critical woman?
"Long pause." Why was there a long pause, Lorelai?
Because I was deliberately trying to hurt you.
"On a scale from one to ten, rate your mother's compassion...
"for others' feelings?"
- Want to guess what she said? - No, thank you.
Hang on a second, Lorelai. I just want to skip to the Ben Hur reference.
Yeah, I did.
- Sookie, I'm home. I got the-- - Surprise!
- What is this? - I made you dinner.
- It smells terrific. - Lamb chops with Sicilian olives...
rosemary and garlic and a warm potato and chorizo salad.
I love lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic...
- and a warm potato and chorizo salad. - I know.
- What's that? - Beef jerky.
You made beef jerky for me.
And there's cornbread and fried marshmallow pie for dessert.
- And you have CCR on. - Well, you like CCR.
I know I like CCR, you don't like CCR.
Sometimes I like CCR, and tonight I like CCR.
- You cheated on me! - No!
- Oh, my God! - I just flirted, accidentally!
- Turn it off. - Let me explain.
Every time I hear it now, it'll remind me my wife cheated on me!
Flirted! Accidentally!
You've ruined Creedence for me.
- I'm going to bed. - At 9:30?
Not talking to anyone for a whole day is more tiring than you'd think.
- I hate those girls. - It was the first lunch...
without a recitation of the calorie content of everything on the table.
- It was kind of a relief. - I hate them anyhow.
- Good night. - 'Night, babe.
- Hello. - Lorelai, it's Alex Lesman.
We met at the Learning Center the other day.
My friend accidentally asked your friend out on a date.
- Right, hi. - How are you?
- I'm good. - Fat Sal sends his love.
Right back at him.
It's out of the blue. You'll be wondering how I got your number.
- Information? - No, that would have been far too logical.
I called your inn to leave a message...
but this French guy gave me your home number...
said I shouldn't worry about calling too late since you stay up late.
He's getting fired tomorrow. What's up?
Well, I was wondering something.
On weekends I like to go to different coffee shops, try the coffee.
See if there's anything you can steal and disguise?
Exactly, kind of a low-rent corporate espionage.
Sometimes I'll hit two shops...
that have a surprisingly similar product and I can't decide which is better.
- Bummer. - Yes, bummer.
It might help to have someone there to help me make these crucial evaluations.
An interesting solution to a fascinating problem.
So what are you doing this Saturday?
I just happen to be one of the world's foremost coffee experts.
Really?
It's basically just me and this guy named Chuckles in Brazil.
- Sounds like fate. So, what do you say? - Sure.
Great. Just to be on the safe side, you do know this is a date, right?
- Oh, yeah, I got that. - Good.
Have you come up with a name for your place yet?
- Right now the top contender is "Sludge." - Excuse me.
Moving on, my partner likes "Regular Joe."
Then again, his name is Joe.
Oh, fancy that.
So, still won't let go of "The Mud House"?
Afraid not. What else you got?
Well, okay, how about "Black Liquid Hope Sold Here"?
See, now you're making some progress.