Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Road Trip to Harvard - full transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON GILMORE GIRLS:

MAX HAS ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.

YEAH, I FIGURED.

GOODNESS.

YOU SHOULD ELOPE
AND GET IT OVER WITH.

NO ONE ASKED YOU.

MY MOTHER AND FATHER
ARE SENDING ME TO KOREA.

GUESS WHO DOESN'T POSSESS
HIS OWN SET OF KEYS YET.

AH, I'M GUESSING IT'S YOU.

THEY WON'T TELL ME
WHEN I'M COMING BACK.

I'M TRYING REALLY HARD NOT
TO READ TOO MUCH INTO THIS.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW

THAT MY PARENTS
BROUGHT IN THE SUITCASE

THAT I'M SUPPOSED
TO TAKE ON MY TRIP.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED, LORELAI.

I KNOW.

WELL, THAT MEANS WE'RE
TAKING 2 SEPARATE LIVES

AND MELDING THEM TOGETHER.

HOW DO YOU THINK
THAT'S GOING TO WORK?

I DON'T KNOW.

HAVE YOU GIVEN IT
ANY THOUGHT AT ALL?

NOT REALLY.

PEOPLE CAN EVOLVE
TOGETHER, DON'T YOU THINK?

MAYBE.

PACK.

WHAT? PACK.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE ARE HITTING THE ROAD.

ARE YOU AND MAX GETTING MARRIED?

NO.

SO, ARE WE ALMOST THERE?

WE'RE ALMOST THERE
AND NOWHERE NEAR IT.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS WE'RE GOING.

PRACTICALLY GONE ALREADY.

LOOK OUT, WORLD.

AH, NO MUSIC.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE
FORGOT TO BRING TUNES.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT NEITHER OF US
HAS THE VAGUEST IDEA WHERE WE ARE?

WHAT IS A ROAD
TRIP WITHOUT TUNES?

THE SUN IS DIRECTLY BEHIND US.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN THIS CAR

FOR A LONG PERIOD OF
TIME WITHOUT PLAYING AC/DC.

I HAVE NO IDEA
WHICH WAY IT'S GOING.

I NEED MY HIGHWAY TO HELL.

IT'S RIGHT OUT THE WINDSHIELD.

NOTHING ON THE RADIO BUT
TOP 40 AND CHRISTIAN ROCK.

"CHRISTIAN ROCK." THERE'S
AN OXYMORON FOR YOU.

I NEED MY TUNES!

STOP COMPLAINING
ABOUT THE TUNES.

STOP COMPLAINING
ABOUT OUR WHEREABOUTS.

WELL, MY COMPLAINT
IS LEGITIMATE.

YOURS IS INFANTILE.

OK, YOU'RE RIGHT.

NONSTOP COUNTRY...

OH, OH, YEAH.

YES, COUNTRY MUSIC.
MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY.

WE HAVE TO FIGURE
OUT WHERE WE'RE GOING.

NO, WE DON'T.

MOM.

THE POINT OF THIS IS
TO BE SPONTANEOUS,

TO DRIVE AND LAND SOMEPLACE

WE'VE NEVER BEEN AND
NEVER EXPECTED TO BE.

SOUNDS RISKY.

SOUNDS EXCITING.

SERENDIPITY HAS
NEVER BEEN KIND TO US.

AH, YES, BUT I TALKED TO
SERENDIPITY ON THE PHONE LAST NIGHT.

SHE FEELS BAD ABOUT HOW
SHE'S TREATED US IN THE PAST.

WE HAD A NICE CHAT.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE DIFFERENT NOW.

WHAT DID THAT SIGN SAY?

IT SAID "DON'T"
OR "DEATH" ON IT.

RELAX.

WE'RE DOOMED.

WRONG. WE'RE
BEING GUIDED BY FATE.

I THINK WE'RE LOST.

WE CAN'T BE LOST.

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING.

YOU'RE GOING TO STOP BEFORE
WE DRIVE INTO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN?

I'LL TRY.

AT LEAST WE'LL
KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

UNLESS IT'S THE PACIFIC.

COMING UP, A 3-SONG SUPERSET
FROM HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH.

♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE ROAD FOOD.

I LOVE IT, TOO.

OH, WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN WHAT
THEY SERVE AT THE HADEN'S NUT HOUSE?

UNLESS YOU DON'T LIKE NUTS.

AS IF THOSE PEOPLE EXIST.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS IN A ROCK
BAND, TOURING AND STUFF,

I'D MAKE THE BUS DRIVER STOP AT
EVERY HADEN'S NUT HOUSE WE PASSED.

WOW, YOUR BEHIND THE
MUSIC IS GONNA BE REALLY WILD.

OK, SO IF WE CONTINUE ON
THE WAY WE'VE BEEN GOING...

WHO ARE YOU CALLING?

UH, SOOKIE.

NOW?

UH, WELL, I DIDN'T GET TO
CALL HER BEFORE WE LEFT,

SO SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE...

OH. YEAH.

YOU OK?

OH, I GUESS. IT'S JUST, UM...

HI, SOOKIE, IT'S ME.

HI, SWEETIE. YOU ON YOUR WAY IN?

UM, NO, NOT YET.

ACTUALLY, I'M, UM, I'M GONNA BE
OUT OF TOWN FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

WHAT?

YEAH, RORY AND I
DECIDED TO HIT THE ROAD.

BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING...

THE ENGAGEMENT IS OFF, SOOKIE.

WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, UH, UM, IT...
IT'S A LONG STORY.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO
GO INTO ALL THE WHATS

AND WHYS AND GORY
DETAILS RIGHT NOW,

BUT, UM, YOU SHOULD
KNOW WE ALL STILL LOVE MAX.

AND TO FIGURE OUT
EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED,

YOU'D HAVE TO DIG UP FREUD HIMSELF
AND HAVE HIM WORK ON ME FULL-TIME.

OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.

THANKS.

SO, I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
GET TOO FAR ON THAT CAKE.

NO, NO, NO,

THAT'S ONE THING YOU
CAN BE THANKFUL ABOUT.

YOU CAUGHT ME IN PLENTY OF TIME.

GOOD. I KNOW THE KIND OF WORK
YOU WERE GONNA PUT INTO IT.

I JUST WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF

IF YOU'D GONE TO ALL THAT
CRAZINESS FOR NOTHING.

YEAH, WELL, I'VE BEEN
SO, UH, BUSY LATELY,

I... I ACTUALLY FORGOT ABOUT IT.

LISTEN, DO ME A FAVOR.

MENTION CANCELING THE
WEDDING TO MISS PATTY, WILL YOU?

THAT WAY, BY THE
TIME WE GET BACK...

THE WHOLE TOWN WILL
KNOW WITHIN THE HOUR.

HOPEFULLY, THEY WILL ALL HAVE
CHATTED IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEMS

BEFORE WE GET HOME.

CONSIDER IT DONE. SO
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?

WE HAVE NO IDEA.

AH, MY FAVORITE KIND OF TRIP.

WELL, THANKS. UH,
I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON.

JUST CALL THE CELL
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

OKEY-DOKEY. BYE-BYE.

BYE.

YOU WERE A GOOD CAKE, CLYDE.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE NAMED YOU.

THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE A MAP.

SORRY, BUT I'M OPENLY
DEFYING YOUR NO-MAP POLICY.

RORY.

MOM, IT'S GONNA BE DARK
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

I DON'T WANT TO
SLEEP IN THE CAR.

AH, MY SENSE OF ADVENTURE DID
NOT TRANSLATE TO MY OFFSPRING.

NOW, TO THE BEST OF
MY MAP-READING ABILITIES,

WE'RE HEADED TOWARD
PORTSMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE.

PORTSMOUTH? HA!

WHAT?

I ACTUALLY HAVE A
FRIEND IN PORTSMOUTH,

DONALD, UH,
SOMETHING-OR-OTHER-STEIN.

CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND, HUH?

DONALD MOVED THERE A COUPLE
OF YEARS AGO AND OPENED A B & B.

NO, IT'S ACTUALLY SUPPOSED
TO BE PRETTY COOL.

A COOL B & B? YES.

THAT'S LIKE SAYING "AN
UNDERSTATED NICOLAS CAGE MOVIE."

LISTEN, I MYSELF AM NOT
USUALLY A FAN OF B & B,

BUT DONALD'S PLACE IS DIFFERENT.

CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN.

I'M SERIOUS.

"BELLA BAMBINA AT 2 O'CLOCK!"

EVERY ROOM IS DECORATED

IN A DIFFERENT WEIRD STYLE
FROM A DIFFERENT CENTURY.

THAT IS KIND OF COOL.

OK, LET'S GO.

LET'S CALL. LET'S GO.

LET'S CALL.

SENSE OF ADVENTURE.

LET'S GO.

HELLO, THERE.

HI.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RING THE BELL?

WHAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RING THE
BELL, YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER?

NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT USUALLY SITTING
HERE WHEN GUESTS ARRIVE,

SO PEOPLE RING THE BELL,
AND THEY LOVE TO RING THE BELL.

AND YOU DIDN'T GET
TO RING THE BELL.

WELL DONE.

UH, DO YOU HAVE
A ROOM AVAILABLE?

WE MOST CERTAINLY DO,
YOU LUCKY, PRETTY THINGS.

SEE? THEY HAVE A ROOM.

GOOD.

UM, DOES DONALD
HAPPEN TO BE HERE?

OH, NO, NO, I BOUGHT THIS
PLACE FROM DONALD LAST YEAR.

IT'S MY PLACE NOW.

I'M LADAWN.

HI.

OH, YES, I NOTICED IT
WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

ACTUALLY, VERY DIFFERENT.

DID YOU SEE IT BEFORE?

PICTURES.

WELL, IT WAS WACKY,
JUST LIKE DONALD.

IT WAS FUN, YOU KNOW, BUT
JUST... JUST A LITTLE TOO WHOO-HOO!

IT WAS JUST TOO ECLECTIC.
I DON'T CARE FOR ECLECTIC.

I DON'T THINK B
& Bers DO, EITHER.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T WANT
ANYTHING OUT OF THE NORMAL.

OK, ROOM NUMBER 3 IS ALL YOURS.

WELCOME TO THE CHESHIRE CAT.

NICE NAME.

I'M GONNA C-CONSULT WITH MY
DAUGHTER FOR JUST ONE SECOND.

WE MUST LEAVE THIS
PLACE IMMEDIATELY.

AND SLEEP WHERE?

AH, A HOLLOW TREE, A
RIVERBANK, I DON'T CARE.

MOM, I'M TIRED AND I'M STARVING.

OK, SHE'S NAMED THE PLACE AFTER
AN ALICE IN WONDERLAND CHARACTER.

THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

AND DYING OF EXPOSURE
IN A JEEP IS MINE.

OK, OK.

POINT THE WAY TO ROOM 3.

I'LL TAKE YOU THERE MYSELF.

LET ME JUST GRAB YOUR BAGS.

WE CAN DO THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU ARE MY GUESTS.

I WON'T HEAR OF
IT. THERE YOU GO.

YOU WANT TO RING THE BELL?

YOU HAVEN'T RUNG THE BELL.

MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.

FOLLOW ME.

WATCH OUT FOR SAMMY.

WOWSIE, WOWSA.

THAT'S EITHER SAMMY OR
THE CAT THAT ATE SAMMY.

WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

UH, THERE'S JUST A LOT...

A LOT OF FLOWERS.

YEAH, LIKE A TON OF FLOWERS.

PLETHORA OF FLOWERS.

A LOAD OF F-FLOWERS.

THANK YOU.

I GET SO MANY
COMPLIMENTS ON THIS ROOM.

ARE THEY MOVING?

IT LOOKS LIKE IT, DOESN'T IT?

THERE'S FOIL IN THE PAPER,

AND IT GIVES IT THAT
ILLUSION. ISN'T IT TERRIFIC?

UNBELIEVABLE.

B & Bers LOVE A PEACEFUL SETTING

SO THAT THEY CAN UNWIND
FROM THEIR HECTIC LIVES.

WHAT BUSINESS ARE YOU IN, DEAR?

OH, ME? UH, UM, PUBLISHING.

HOW INTERESTING!

HMM.

NOW, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, YOU
JUST RING DOWN OR, UH, COME DOWN

'CAUSE I LOVE COMPANY.

AND, OH, I DON'T WANT TO FORGET
TO GIVE YOU OUR ACTIVITY LIST.

NEVER A DULL MOMENT AROUND HERE.

THANKS, LADAWN.

YES, THANK YOU.

OK, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE FIRST
ROOM IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

THAT WOULD HAVE
MADE LIBERACE SAY,

"WHOA, STEP BACK.
NO ONE'S THAT GAY."

OH, LOOK. THIS IS A BOOK THAT
PAST GUESTS HAVE WRITTEN IN.

HMM.

"THIS ROOM MADE MY SOUL SOAR."

UGH.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH
GROSSNESS. LET'S GO EAT.

OH, FOOD. I'M STARVING.

WHAT?

DENTISTS. BOSTON DENTISTS.

COCKTAIL HOUR AT
THE CHESHIRE CAT.

SO?

SO OUR EXIT IS BLOCKED.

LET'S JUST RUSH PAST THEM.

OH, TOO RISKY.

THEY'RE NOT ASSASSINS.

RORY, IF THEY CATCH US, THEY'LL
CLAMP ON US LIKE LEECHES.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT MEANS: CHITCHAT.

STOMACH-CHURNING, MIND-NUMBING,
SOUL-DEADENING CHITCHAT.

MOM, I'M STARVING.

I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
YOU CAN STAY HERE.

HMM, YOU'RE THAT HUNGRY, HUH?

YES.

HUNGRY ENOUGH TO
ANSWER A HUNDRED PROBING

BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT
FROM EACH OTHER QUESTIONS

ABOUT CHILTON, LIFE IN A SMALL TOWN,
AND YOUR HUNKY-HUNKY BOYFRIEND?

I STRUCK GOLD.

WHAT IS IT?

CERTS.

LET ME CATCH MY BREATH.

I CANNOT, FOR THE LIFE OF ME,
REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I BOUGHT CERTS.

WHICH WOULD MAKE
THOSE REALLY OLD.

FUZZY.

♪

♪

PERFECT.

A NICE CAPPER TO THE DAY.

IN COURSE OF 3 HOURS,
THEY'VE PARTICIPATED IN

EVERY INANE B & B GROUP
ACTIVITY KNOWN TO MAN.

LET'S JUST HOPE THEY
FINISH WITH A MASS SUICIDE.

WE GET CRANKY WHEN WE'RE HUNGRY.

WELL, PLUS, WE'RE ABOVE
EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET.

CLEARLY. HMM.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE COULD GO TO SLEEP.

HMM. IT'S 8:23.

GOOD LORD!

I'M NOT REALLY SLEEPY.

ME, NEITHER.

WE COULD SING.

SING?

YEAH, WE COULD SING ANARCHY IN
THE U.K. AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS.

OH, THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
OR, UH, WE COULD TALK.

OH, OK, OK. HMM.

WHAT ABOUT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. UM,

MAX?

UH, NO.

WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO.

YOU SAID WE COULD TALK.

YES, WELL, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT
ABOUT MAKEUP OR SOMETHING.

WHEN HAVE WE EVER
TALKED ABOUT MAKEUP?

NEVER, THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT
NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW...

GOOD NIGHT, RORY.

BUT... GOOD NIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE
NOT JUST RUNNING SCARED?

RORY.

BECAUSE I THINK YOU
REALLY LOVE HIM...

ENOUGH!

BUT YOU'RE JUST FREAKED OUT
AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

BECAUSE YOU DID THIS
BEFORE, WITH MAX, IN FACT.

OH, RORY, I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

I THOUGHT BY SAYING "ENOUGH,"
AND TURNING OFF THE LIGHT,

YOU WOULD GET THE
MESSAGE. APPARENTLY NOT.

THE SKYWRITER WILL
BE HERE IN A MINUTE.

I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION.

I'M A GROWN WOMAN.

SAYS THE WOMAN WITH THE
HELLO KITTY WAFFLE IRON.

I HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT
NOT TO BE QUIZZED ABOUT

MY SOCIAL LIFE BY MY
16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

I THOUGHT I WAS
YOUR BEST FRIEND.

AT A U2 CONCERT, YOU
ARE MY BEST FRIEND.

BUT NOW, YOU'RE MY
16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER,

AND I'M TELLING YOU I DO NOT
WANT TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.

WELL, I DO. WELL, TOUGH.

EVERYTHING WAS PLANNED.

EVERYONE WAS
EXCITED, INCLUDING YOU.

AND THEN, ALL OF A
SUDDEN, YOU'RE OUT.

WELL, I CHANGED MY MIND.

THIS IS OUR LIFE THAT
YOU JUST TOSSED OFF.

HEY, I DIDN'T JUST
TOSS OFF ANYTHING.

WE HAD PLANS.

WE MADE SPACE IN THE CLOSET.

OH, RORY, JUST BECAUSE
WE MOVED A COUPLE OF BOXES

IS NOT REASON ENOUGH
FOR ME TO GET MARRIED.

MAX WAS COUNTING ON THIS.

I WAS COUNTING ON THIS.

RORY, STOP IT! WE'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE THIS FIGHT IN A FLOWERY BEDROOM

WITH DENTISTS SINGING "GYPSYS,
TRAMPS, & THIEVES." IN THE BACKGROUND!

IT'S TOO DAVID LYNCH.

I THINK YOU LOVE HIM.

RORY, GO TO SLEEP!

I THINK YOU LOVE HIM,
AND YOU GOT SCARED

AND YOU RAN, BUT YOU'RE REALLY
GOING TO REGRET IT, AND SOON.

RORY.

FINE!

GOOD NIGHT.

I'M SURE.

I WISH I DID LOVE HIM.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH.

WHAT'S WITH THE FACE?

MMM, THEY'RE TALLER.

NOT THIS AGAIN.

THERE'S MORE OF THEM.

MOM, THE FLOWERS
ON THE WALLPAPER

ARE NOT GROWING OR REPRODUCING.

HUH?

WAIT A MINUTE, YOU WEREN'T
WRITING IN THIS THING, WERE YOU?

MAYBE SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS.

"SATANIC FORCES ARE
AT WORK HERE." MOM.

WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? WE CANNOT
WRITE THAT IN HERE.

HERE.

"SAT AND FOREVER
AM AT WORK HERE."

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

AND IT DOESN'T INVOKE THE DARK
PRINCE, SO I THINK IT'S PREFERABLE.

WHATEVER.

HEY.

WHAT? LAST NIGHT.

OH, WE'RE GOOD.

OK.

YOU KNOW WHAT ISN'T GOOD?

WHAT? I ATE THE FUZZY CERTS.

GROSS.

THEY TASTED LIKE KEYS.

OK, ENOUGH. I HAVE GOT TO EAT.

YOU THINK THE COAST
IS CLEAR DOWNSTAIRS?

LET'S CHECK THE SCHEDULE.

"EARLY MORNING 7:30,

8:15..."

WE'RE IN LUCK.
BREAKFAST JUST ENDED.

THE ARTS-AND-CRAFTS WORKSHOP
DOESN'T BEGIN FOR ANOTHER 13 MINUTES.

A WINDOW.

MUST BE WHEN THEY SHOWER.

GRAB YOUR BAG!

GO, GO, GO.

OH, HELLO, STRANGERS.

OH, GEEZ.

WE'VE ALL BEEN SO
WORRIED ABOUT YOU TWO.

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?

WE'RE WATCHING HUMMINGBIRDS.

THEY'RE STILL OUT THERE,
IF YOU WANT TO SCOOCH IN.

THEY'RE THE DARNEDEST THINGS.

FLAP THEIR WINGS
100 TIMES A SECOND.

IT'S AN ENGINEERING MARVEL.

THAT WAS NOT ON
THE FREAKING LIST.

WE DON'T PUT THINGS LIKE
THIS ON THE FREAKING LIST

BECAUSE THE DELIGHTS OF NATURE
AREN'T ON ANY KIND OF TIME SCHEDULE.

OH, LORDY.

SO PUSH IN SOME CHAIRS.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE
SOME FRESH SCONES.

THEY'RE FOR TEA THIS AFTERNOON.

I JUST PUT OUT THE FIRST
TEST BATCH. HAVE A TASTE.

A TASTE WOULD NOT BE BAD.

UH, MAYBE JUST A QUICK TASTE.

SO, LADAWN SAYS
YOU'RE IN PUBLISHING.

HUH?

PUBLISHING? YOU'RE
IN PUBLISHING?

OH, YES, I AM.

BOOKS, EH?

YOU SHOULD FIND A FIELD
WITH LESS PAPERWORK.

GOOD ONE.

MMM, HEY!

YOU HAVE 2. I STILL HAVE 1.

SO, UH, PUBLISHING?

UH-HUH. YES, I DO PUBLISH.

UH, KIND OF A DRY LINE OF
WORK, NOT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

OH, NONSENSE. IT'S FASCINATING.

SO WHAT KIND OF
BOOKS DO YOU PUBLISH?

UH, MAINLY YOUTH-ORIENTED ONES.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS?

SURE.

ANY THAT WE'VE HEARD OF?

PROBABLY NOT.

NO, WAIT, PLEASE
GIVE ME SOME TITLES.

I'LL WRITE THEM DOWN.

AND THEN WHEN I GET
HOME, I'LL LOOK THEM UP.

DO YOU HAVE YOUR SPACE PEN?

DO YOU HAVE TO ASK?

HE LOVES HIS SPACE PEN.

THEY WRITE UNDERWATER.

COOL.

SO, WHAT ARE THE TITLES?

WELL, THERE'S, UM,
GOODNIGHT SPOON,

AND, UM, THE HORSE
THAT WANTED TO BARK.

OH, I THINK I'VE READ
THAT TO MY GRANDSON.

THE HORSE LEARNS
TO BARK, AND THEN HE...

OH, WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END?

HE DIES.

BUT HE LEARNED TO BARK, THOUGH,

SO IT'S ACTUALLY AN UPPER.

SO, WHERE ARE YOUR OFFICES?

THEY'RE IN THE, UM...

MMM, THE BUILDING WITH
THE... OVER ON THE ROAD.

WOULD YOU GUYS EXCUSE
ME FOR JUST A SECOND?

I HAVE TO MAKE AN IMPORTANT
CALL CONCERNING PUBLISHING.

WELL, THAT'S JUST FINE,
THAT'LL GIVE US A CHANCE

TO GET TO KNOW YOUR
LOVELY DAUGHTER HERE.

SHE'S SO QUIET, BUT
WE'LL CHANGE ALL THAT.

MOM, YOU PROMISED NOT TO DO
ANY BUSINESS WHILE ON VACATION.

HONEY, PUBLISHING
WAITS FOR NO MAN.

GOT TO KEEP THE
PRESSES PRESSING.

MMM.

SO, TELL US ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL.

HEY, SOOKIE, IT'S ME.

HEY, SWEETIE, HOW'S
THE TRIP GOING?

IT'S FINE. WHERE ARE YOU?

LUKE'S GOT A NICE LITTLE
SHOW GOING ON HERE.

YOU'VE BEEN SITTING
THERE FOR 2 HOURS.

I JUST WANT ONE MORE COFFEE.

YOU'VE HAD 8 REFILLS.

YOU KNOW, IN FRANCE,
WHEN YOU SIT AND ORDER,

YOU CAN HAVE THE TABLE
AS LONG AS YOU WANT IT.

I BET YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA SAY NEXT.

THAT WE'RE NOT IN FRANCE?

GIVE OR TAKE A PROFANITY.

FINE, I'LL GO. CAN
I HAVE MY CHECK?

SO, UM, HOW'S THE SPREADING
OF THE NEWS GOING?

WELL, IT WORKED JUST LIKE YOU
WANTED, WITH ONE NOTABLE EXCEPTION.

WHO? WHAT?

HE'S SUCH A LONER LATELY,
THE NEWS HASN'T GOTTEN TO HIM.

IS THERE ANY WAY TO
SPEED THIS UP, KIRK?

SORRY, I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT THE TIP,

AND I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
TERRIBLE AT MATH.

WHAT'S 6 PERCENT OF $4.43?

COULD YOU JUST
TELL HIM NOW, SOOK,

SO I CAN CROSS THIS OFF MY LIST?

WELL, UH, HE'S
COMING OVER. HANG ON.

HEY, LUKE.

YEAH?

HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST NEWS?

KIND OF SAD, LORELAI AND MAX.

WHAT ABOUT THEM?

THE WEDDING'S OFF.

WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY
KNOW. IT WAS KIND OF SUDDEN.

THIS IS ACTUALLY HER NOW.

OH, WELL, UH,

TELL HER I'M SORRY.
THAT'S TOUGH.

HE SAYS HE'S SORRY.

THANKS.

TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE.

BYE-BYE.

WHAT'S THIS?

REFILL NUMBER 9.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID I HAD TO GO.

YOU CAN HANG A BIT. REALLY?

WELCOME TO FRANCE.

COFFEE'S ON THE HOUSE, THOUGH.

THANKS, OR SHOULD I SAY GRACIAS?

IN FACT, EVERYONE'S COFFEE
IS ON THE HOUSE TODAY.

LIKE YOUR HAT.

THANK YOU.

WE HAVE A SON JUST
A BIT OLDER THAN YOU.

HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

OH, DAVE, HE'S A
FRESHMAN AT BROWN.

HE MAJORS IN M.T.V.

OH, YOU'RE HORRIBLE.

HONEY, WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW IF SHE'S ON THE MARKET.

OH, I'M NOT ON THE MARKET.

I'M DEFINITELY OFF THE MARKET.

SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

MOM, I SAVED YOU A
SCONE. YOU LOVE ME, RIGHT?

SORRY, EVERYBODY, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO DRAG HER AWAY NOW.

OH, SHUCKS, IT WAS
SO NICE TALKING TO YOU.

LOVELY TALKING TO YOU, DEAR.

OH, SHE'S SO CUTE.

I NOW HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES.

I HAD TO MAKE A CALL.

YOU LEFT ME HANGING.

I OWE YOU ONE.

BIGTIME.

YOU'RE OUT NOW. WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO DO?

KILL YOU. AND?

I DON'T KNOW.

BOUNCE TENNIS
BALLS OFF OF SAMMY?

SERIOUSLY?

I'M NOT SURE. WHY DON'T YOU
PULL OUT THE MAP YOU'RE HIDING.

I'M NOT HIDING A MAP.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANNA DRIVE
AROUND AIMLESSLY AGAIN TODAY.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

SO WHAT... WHAT'S NEAR?

UM,

CONCORD.

WHAT IS THAT? LIKE,
LOOK AT GRAPES?

MANCHESTER.

UH-UH, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THERE.

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE.

SALEM.

OOH, WITCHES AND STONINGS.
THERE'S SOMETHING THERE.

BOSTON, NEWTON, NEEDHAM.

GO, GO, GO, GO BACK.

UH, WHAT? BOSTON? NEWTON?

I KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

YOU WILL LOVE IT.

WELL, IF YOU TELL ME
WHERE WE'RE GOING,

I CAN CHART A
COURSE, AND I CAN...

YOU'RE FOLDING IT WRONG.

IS IT SMALLER?

YES.

THEN IT'S NOT WRONG. LET'S GO.

I WILL GET YOU A NEW
ONE WHEN WE GET THERE.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

BELIEVE IT, BECAUSE THERE IT IS.

HARVARD UNIVERSITY.

IT'S REALLY REAL.

IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE PICTURES.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

WE ARE BEHOLDING YOUR FUTURE.

IT'S BIG.

YOU HAVE A BIG FUTURE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'M ACTUALLY STANDING
OUTSIDE OF HARVARD.

COME ON.

WAIT, COME ON WHERE?

INSIDE.

WE CAN'T GO INSIDE.

WHY? IS THERE A FORCE
FIELD AROUND HERE?

THIS IS HARVARD.

I KNOW.

THIS IS HARVARD.

I KNOW.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO
INSIDE. YOU NEED A GUIDE.

I'LL BE YOUR GUIDE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HARVARD?

LOOK, THERE'S HARVARD.

MOM.

HEY, DON'T YOU
WANT TO SEE IT? HUH?

THE PLACE WHERE YOU'LL
BE LIVING AND STUDYING

AND DEVELOPING VERY NAIVE
BUT PRETENTIOUS WORLD VIEWS

THAT WILL COME CRASHING
DOWN THE MINUTE YOU GRADUATE?

YEAH, I DO.

SO?

COME ON, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE DOIN' IT.

HARVARD.

WOW. HARVARD IS
OVER 300 YEARS OLD.

FOUNDED IN 1636.

THAT MEANS ALMOST EVERYONE WHO
EVER WENT TO HARVARD IS DEAD NOW.

YOU SURE YOU STILL
WANNA GO HERE?

YES, I'M SURE.

THEY DEVELOPED
THE PACEMAKER HERE.

ALSO DISCOVERED HOW
ELECTROMAGNETISM AND RADIOACTIVITY

ARE 2 MANIFESTATIONS
OF THE SAME FORCE

AND POSTULATED EXISTENCE
OF A CHARMED QUARK.

I WAS WONDERING WHO DID THAT.

THE SMARTIES AT HARVARD.

HOLY SMOKES.

THEY GET AN AVERAGE
OF 18,000 APPLICANTS

EVERY YEAR, AND
ONLY 2,000 GET IN.

THOSE ARE NOT GOOD ODDS.

MOM.

NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

HENRY JAMES." ISN'T THAT A BEER?

AND A NOVELIST. GO ON.

"JOHN ADAMS." THAT'S A BEER.

OUR 2ND PRESIDENT.

HE'S VERY IN RIGHT NOW.

"W.E.B. DUBOIS, YO-YO MA."

OH, COOL! FRED GWYNNE.

WHO?

HERMAN MUNSTER.
NOW I'M IMPRESSED.

DO YOU WANT SOMETHING?

A NICE, COOL HENRY JAMES.

OR SOME COFFEE?

OR SOME COFFEE.

I'M ORDERING COFFEE AT HARVARD.

HEY, THERE'S PEOPLE LOOKING
FOR ROOMMATES, TONS OF 'EM.

GIRL TO SHARE A 2-BEDROOM
APARTMENT LOCATED ON TROWBRIDGE.

QUIET STREET, QUIET BUILDING,
SO QUIET ROOMIE A MUST."

JOIN A CONVENT AND
CLOISTER YOURSELF, YOU LOSER.

MOM, IT'S GONNA BE 2 YEARS
BEFORE I GO TO HARVARD.

THESE PEOPLE WILL HAVE ROOMMATES
OR HAVE GRADUATED BY THEN.

WHO SAYS THESE ARE FOR YOU?

WHO ARE THEY FOR? ME.

IF YOU'RE HERE, I'D NEED A
ROOM NEARBY SO I CAN COME VISIT.

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GONNA VISIT?

I DON'T KNOW. EVERY OTHER DAY.

TOO MUCH? WHAT'S TOO MUCH?

MAN, THERE ARE A
LOT OF POSTINGS HERE.

OH, YEAH, THERE SURE ARE.

ARE YOU LOOKING
FOR A PLACE TO LIVE?

UH, MAYBE.

THERE'S A LOT OF CHOICES.
SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY.

YEAH, YEAH. UNLESS YOU'RE
ONE OF THOSE EXISTENTIALISTS

WHO CAN'T FIGURE
OUT WHAT THEY WANT.

GOOD POINT. GOOD POINT.

I THINK WE HAVE A
CLASS TOGETHER.

CONTRACT LAW. PROF. SHEFFERSON?

OH, YEAH, SHEFF'S CLASS.

RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO SAY HI TO YOU.

REALLY? OH, HI.

HI.

HI.

SO, DO YOU LIKE THE CLASS?

UM, IT'S NOT TOO BAD.

HE'S KIND OF GOT
A MONOTONE VOICE.

IF I DON'T CAFF UP, HE
PUTS ME RIGHT TO SLEEP.

OH, I'M ABOUT TO CAFF UP RIGHT
NOW, JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT.

OK. SO I'LL SEE YOU IN CLASS,

AND MAYBE AT THAT
PHI KAP PARTY TONIGHT?

PEACHY.

COOL. BYE.

BYE.

I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE COLLEGE.

OOH, DID YOU HEAR? I USED
"EXISTENTIALIST" IN A SENTENCE.

I HEARD.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

OH, MY!

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S THE LIBRARY.

IT'S THE BIGGEST
LIBRARY I'VE EVER SEEN.

UH-OH, BRACE YOURSELF.

WHAT?

THIS IS JUST ONE
OF THE LIBRARIES.

ONE OF THE LIBRARIES?

"THIS BUILDING IS ONE COMPONENT

"OF A 13 MILLION-VOLUME
COLLECTION

"HOUSED IN MORE THAN
90 DIFFERENT LIBRARIES.

"IT'S THE OLDEST LIBRARY
IN THE UNITED STATES,

AND THE LARGEST ACADEMIC
LIBRARY IN THE WORLD."

BREATHE. BREATHE.

I'M A FAILURE.

WHAT?

I AM STUPID.

OH, STOP.

I'M UNINFORMED, IGNORANT, AND...

I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A SECOND
SYNONYM FOR "UNINFORMED."

I SUCK.

HONEY.

13 MILLION VOLUMES?

I'VE READ LIKE WHAT? 300 BOOKS IN
MY ENTIRE LIFE, AND I'M ALREADY 16?

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT WOULD
TAKE ME TO READ 13 MILLION BOOKS?

BUT, HONEY, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO READ EVERY ONE OF THEM.

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE. SKIP THAT.

WHO MOVED MY CHEESE?
JUST STUFF YOU ALREADY KNOW.

OK, BUT EVERY KID COMING TO
HARVARD IS INEVITABLY READING BOOKS.

AND DIFFERENT BOOKS.

AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO CONVERSE
INTELLIGENTLY WITH EACH OF THEM.

AND I CAN'T DO THAT
UNLESS I READ BOOKS.

AT LEAST A FEW FROM
EVERY GENRE AND SUBGENRE.

COME ON, I'M GETTING
YOU OUT OF HERE.

I SLEEP TOO MUCH. NO, YOU DON'T.

I'VE BEEN FRITTERING
AWAY MY LIFE.

YOU DON'T FRITTER.

DID I MENTION I SUCK? YES.

WELL, I DO.

NO.

THIS IS A DORM? NOT BAD, HUH?

PRETTY, ACTUALLY.

COME ON, LET'S SEE WHAT
IT LOOKS LIKE ON THE INSIDE.

IT SAYS "RESIDENTS
ONLY" IN PLAIN ENGLISH.

WE'RE GONNA GET IN TROUBLE.

YOU'RE SUCH A WORRYWART.
OOH, GET IN CHARACTER.

HEY, THERE!

HI.

I'M ANGIE. THIS IS TRISH.

HI.

HOW'S IT GOING?

NOT BAD.

OH, COOL. WE'RE JUST KIND OF
HANGING OUT BETWEEN CLASSES.

WE GOT SHEFF NEXT.

SO, WE'LL PROBABLY SEE YOU AT THE
PHI ALPHA BETA THING TOMORROW, RIGHT?

MAYBE.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT SURE, EITHER.

THEY CAN BE SO TOTALLY LAME.

GAG ME.

YEAH. SEE YA.

♪

YOU DO REALIZE THAT ALL
YOUR COLLEGE KID JARGON

COMES FROM HAPPY DAYS
AND THE VALLEY GIRL SONG.

OH, LOOKY-LOOKY HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I WANNA SEE A ROOM. HELLO?

THEY HAVE PICTURES OF
THEIR ROOMS ON THEIR WEBSITE.

SO I PREFER REALITY, THANK YOU.

HELLO? THE COAST IS CLEAR.

THE COAST IS NOT CLEAR.

SUSIE!

WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY
BREAKING AND ENTERING.

SUSIE! WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

'CAUSE IT'S OUR COVER
IF WE GET CAUGHT.

PLUS, THERE'S A
30 PERCENT CHANCE

THE GIRL LIVING IN THIS
ROOM IS NAMED SUSIE.

WOW. TINY.

IT IS TINY.

YOUR OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY
IS GONNA NEED A ROOM OF ITS OWN.

IT'LL FIT SOMEWHERE.

ONE WINDOW, BRICK WALL.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BETTER VIEW.

THIS ISN'T MY ROOM,
TO BEGIN WITH.

AT LEAST THERE'S 2 BEDS,
SOMEWHERE FOR ME TO SLEEP.

THAT'D BE MY ROOMMATE'S BED.

OH, YOU DON'T WANT A ROOMIE.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE A CHOICE.

THEY JUST FORCE SOMEONE ON YOU?

IT'S PART OF THE
SOCIALIZING EXPERIENCE.

IF IT'S A LEMON?
THEN I'M STUCK WITH IT.

HARE KRISHNA
BANGING A TAMBOURINE.

I'LL USE EARPLUGS.

SERIAL MURDERER.

I'LL SLEEP WITH A GAT
STRAPPED TO MY ANKLE.

SOMEONE WHO LIKES LINKIN PARK?

THEN I'LL DROP OUT.

MMM-HMM. AH!

LOOK, I HAD THESE SAME
PANTS IN HIGH SCHOOL!

CAN WE JUST GO NOW, PLEASE?

I'M IN AGAIN.

MOM. OK.

LET ME TAKE A PICTURE
WITH YOU AT THE DESK.

WHAT? REALLY GET INTO IT.

PRETEND LIKE YOU'RE STUDYING.

OK.

WHAT, YOU'RE WRITING IN THE AIR?

CAN WE JUST TAKE THE PICTURE?

OK.

LET'S GO.

OH, HEY, SUSIE.

GOD, THESE CLASSROOMS ARE HUGE.

THE BETTER TO FIT THOSE
BIG HARVARD BRAINS.

"MORTAL HAVE YOU BEEN BORN,

"TO MORTALS HAVE
YOU GIVEN BIRTH.

RECKON ON EVERYTHING,
EXPECT EVERYTHING."

WHAT SORT OF THOUGHT IS THIS?

DEPRESSING?

ON THE SURFACE, MAYBE.
BUT GO UNDERNEATH.

WHAT IS HE POSTULATING
BEYOND FATALISM?

ARE WE ALLOWED
TO BE HEARING THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY WON'T CHARGE $100 JUST FOR
LISTENING TO PART OF THE CLASS?

I DON'T THINK HARVARD WOULD
NICKEL-AND-DIME PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

I'M GONNA FIND THE LADIES' ROOM.

SNEAK A SMOKE, SEE IF ANYONE
SLIPPED ASPIRIN IN MY COKE.

OK, RIZZO.

I'D LIKE TO LISTEN
A LITTLE BIT MORE.

I'LL BE BACK.

I'LL BE HERE.

THE STOICS BELIEVED
THE GREATEST HAPPINESS

RESULTED FROM
LEADING A VIRTUOUS LIFE.

IN OR OUT?

EXCUSE ME?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THE
CLASS, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A SEAT.

OH, UM,

OK, SORRY.

OK, WHERE WERE WE?

THAT'S AN INTERESTING POINT,

BUT I'M NOT SURE
I AGREE WITH YOU.

THAT'S BECAUSE STOICISM WAS
NOT ABOUT GIVING UP THINGS,

OF MONEY AND LUXURIES AND STUFF.

THAT'S RIGHT.

BY THE TIME HE
WAS IN HIS EARLY 40s,

SENECA HAD EARNED ENOUGH
MONEY TO ACQUIRE VILLAS, FARMS.

HE ATE WELL. HE LOVED
EXPENSIVE FURNITURE.

BUT HE DIDN'T CONSIDER THAT A
NON-PHILOSOPHICAL WAY TO LIVE.

IT'S ALL KIND OF
RELATIVE, THOUGH.

OH, HERE WE GO.

WHAT?

CAN'T GET THROUGH A CLASS
WITHOUT DEBATING RELATIVISM.

I JUST MEANT LUXURY TO SOME

IS NOT NECESSARILY
LUXURY TO OTHERS.

A BETTER SUBJECT
FOR ANOTHER TIME.

OH, SORRY.

NO, NO, YOUR
POINT IS WELL-TAKEN,

BUT IT'S DIFFERENT
THAN WHAT'S AT HAND.

WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS
SENECA'S CHOOSING THE BETTER,

MORE COMFORTABLE OF 2
OPTIONS WHILE REMAINING A STOIC.

THANKS, THIS WAS FUN.

ALL RIGHT, FOR YOUR NEXT MEETING

WE'LL BE READING MARCUS
AURELIUS' MEDITATIONS.

DID YOU SEE ME? YES.

I WAS IN COLLEGE.

IT WAS AMAZING.

DID I LOOK LIKE I BELONGED?

COMPLETELY. YOU'RE A NATURAL.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
HOW IT HAPPENED.

I JUST SORT OF GOT SWEPT UP.

AND THEN THE TEACHER ASKED A
QUESTION, AND BEFORE I KNEW IT...

YOU WERE BLOWING THEM AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS
BOWLING THEM AWAY,

BUT CERTAINLY, I WAS
TALKING AND I COULDN'T STOP.

I KNOW THAT FEELING.

COLLEGE IS GONNA BE
AMAZING. I CAN'T WAIT.

I LOVE COLLEGE. I LOVE HARVARD.

I LOVE FATALISM.

PLEASE, WE CAN CARRY THE BAGS.

NONSENSE.

BUT THEY'RE SO HEAVY.

I'LL JUST GET THEM
DOWN THE STAIRS FOR YOU.

LET ME CATCH MY BREATH HERE.

OH, WELL, SAMMY'S AWOL, HUH?

HMM?

OH, SAMMY. IT'S THE FIRST TIME
SHE HASN'T BEEN ON THE STAIRS.

MY SAMMY? YES.

OH, SHE'S RARELY
EVER ON THE STAIRS.

NO, SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT THERE.

NO, SHE HAS HER FAVORITE
PLACE, BUT NOT ON THE STAIRS.

THERE'S NOT BEEN ONE MOMENT
SHE HASN'T BEEN RIGHT THERE.

ON THE STAIRS?

NO, SHE'S HARDLY
EVER ON THE STAIRS.

"FORGET IT, JAKE.
IT'S CHINATOWN."

EVERYTHING'S ON YOUR CARD.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY.

DID YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY?

VERY MUCH.

VERY MUCH?

I SAT AND FOREVER
AM AT WORK HERE.

WHAT?

IT WAS GREAT.

WELL. THERE YOU GO.

DRIVE SAFELY AND TELL ALL YOUR
FRIENDS ABOUT THE CHESHIRE CAT.

YOU BET WE WILL.

AS SOON AS YOU LEAVE, I'LL DO
MY FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB.

OH, WHAT'S THAT?

READ WHAT YOU WROTE
IN OUR GUEST BOOK.

GIVE US A 5-MINUTE HEAD START?

BEG PARDON?

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE
MOST ABOUT HARVARD?

NO, WHAT?

THEY DON'T SELL
GIANT FOAM FINGERS.

NO, THEY'VE GOT
CLASS OUT THE WAZOO.

HOME.

FEEL LIKE WE'VE BEEN
GONE A LONG TIME.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD.
EVERY TIME I LEAVE TOWN,

EVEN FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE,

I ALWAYS EXPECT EVERYTHING
TO LOOK DIFFERENT.

AND IT NEVER DOES.

IT NEVER DOES.

NEED A HUG?

PATTY'S GOOD.

SO, WHAT ABOUT DINNER?

IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING HEALTHY,

SINCE WE'VE BEEN EATING
JUNK THE WHOLE TRIP.

WE HAD LETTUCE ON
OUR BURGERS LAST NIGHT.

WE PICKED IT OFF.

BUT IT LEFT ITS ESSENCE.

LETTUCE ESSENCE ON OUR BURGERS?

DEFINITELY.

THAT SATISFIED OUR
VEGETABLE REQUIREMENT?

FOR THE WEEK.

WE CAN'T ARGUE WITH
COLD, HARD FACTS.

WHAT?

OH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

ME, TOO.

WELL, EVERYTHING'S THE SAME.

THIS IS SEVER HALL,

ONE OF THE OLDEST
BUILDINGS AT HARVARD.

FOCUS THE PICTURE, LORELAI.

IT IS FOCUSED.

THAT'S HOW IT CAME OUT.

IT'S HURTING MY EYES.

WELL, MOM, JUST
BE A LITTLE ARTY.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO USE A CAMERA.

I'VE ONLY HAD IT 6 YEARS.

IT'S LIKE I HAVE GLAUCOMA.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT IS A HARVARD SQUIRREL.

GOOD GRIEF.

SITTING ON A HARVARD ROCK.

DOESN'T HE LOOK SMART?

HE LOOKS DIRTY. NEXT.

THAT'S RORY'S DORM
AND PART OF MY FINGER.

IT'S NOT MY DORM YET.

WE JUST SAW A DORM AND
FIGURED IT MIGHT BE MINE.

WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU
INSIST ON TAKING SLIDES?

I LIKE SLIDES.

BUT PRINTS ARE SO MUCH EASIER
AND FASTER TO GET THROUGH.

THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT PRINTS.

YOU GIVE PEOPLE THIS BIG PILE OF
PICTURES THAT YOU'RE SO PROUD OF.

AND THEY JUST FLIP THROUGH THEM
SUPER FAST WITHOUT REALLY SEEING THEM

OR GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO
NARRATE, LIKE YOU CAN WITH SLIDES.

I STOPPED HER FROM ADDING MUSIC.

I'M ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

I LIKE THE BIGNESS
OF SLIDES, TOO.

MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE REALLY THERE.

YES, THIS ONE MAKES ME FEEL
JUST LIKE I'M IN YOUR FINGER.

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CAUSE WE
DIDN'T INVITE YOU TO COME ALONG.

NEXT TIME.

NEXT TIME YOU GO TO HARVARD,
YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT PROPERLY

WITH A SCHEDULED
VISIT AND THE GUIDE.

I TOLD HER ABOUT THE GUIDE.

AND WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT OF TOWN
NOW, SO SOON BEFORE YOUR WEDDING?

DIDN'T YOUR FIANCE MIND?

OH, WELL.

I MEAN, YOU ACT AS IF THIS COMING WEEKEND
IS JUST GOING TO BE BUSINESS AS USUAL,

AND NOT THE MOST
IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

MOM.

WHAT?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT
THIS WEEKEND, MOM.

YES?

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU BEFORE.

OH, MY GOD. YOU DIDN'T.

WHAT? YOU DID!

I DID WHAT?

YOU ELOPED.

MOM!

I KNEW YOU'D DO ANYTHING TO
KEEP ME OUT OF THIS WEDDING.

MOM, THAT'S NOT...

THAT IS JUST CRUEL, LORELAI.

A MOTHER WAITS AND PLANS
FOR THIS DAY, EVEN YOUR MOTHER.

YES, BUT...

I BOUGHT A NEW DRESS.
GOT MY HAIR DONE.

IT LOOKS NICE.

AND YOU JUST WALTZ IN
HERE, TORTURE ME FOR HOURS

WITH THESE RIDICULOUS SLIDES,

ONLY TO LET ME KNOW AT
THE LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE...

MOM, MAX AND I ARE
NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE.

THE WEDDING IS OFF.

THE WEDDING'S OFF?

YES.

ARE YOU SURE?

YES, I'M SURE.

OH.

MOM.

WHO CALLED IT OFF?

I DID.

YOU'RE THINKING
YOU'RE NOT SURPRISED.

NO, I WASN'T.

YOU'RE THINKING, "YES, I
WON THAT $5 FROM DAD."

WHO WOULD LIKE DESSERT?

WHAT, MOM? WHAT ARE
YOU THINKING? JUST TELL ME.

I WAS THINKING, I GUESS I
HAVE TO RETURN YOUR GIFT.

MY... MY GIFT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO RETURN MY GIFT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S IT?

THAT'S IT.

OH.

SO YOU GOT ME A GIFT ALREADY?

YOU WERE GETTING MARRIED.

GIFTS ARE EXPECTED. IT'S
THE PROPER THING TO DO.

SO, HOW DOES ICE CREAM SOUND?

ICE CREAM SOUNDS GREAT.

WHAT'D YOU GET ME, MOM?

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU THAT.

WHY NOT? IT'S FOR ME.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT NOW.

ICED TEA SPOONS, RIGHT?

LORELAI.

BECAUSE NOBODY REALLY
NEEDS ICED TEA SPOONS EVER.

I MEAN, YOU'D PROBABLY USE THEM
IF YOU REMEMBERED TO USE THEM,

BUT NOBODY DOES. BECAUSE THEY'RE
NEVER WITH THE EVERYDAY SILVERWARE.

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.

SO PEOPLE JUST GRAB A
REGULAR EVERYDAY SPOON TO STIR.

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT? THEY WORK FINE.

IT WASN'T ICED TEA SPOONS.

UH, OH, OH, CORN-ON-THE-COB
HOLDER THINGIES?

STERLING SILVER
CORN-ON-THE-COB HOLDER THINGIES?

NO. HA!

WHAT?

THE TINY FORKS.

WHAT TINY FORKS?

THE TINY FORKS WITH TINY
PRONGS AND TINYHANDLES,

THAT I ASSUME ARE
USED TO EAT TINY FOOD?

THEY'RE FOR LOBSTER TAILS.

SO YOU DID GET THE TINY FORKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M
NOT RETURNING THE GIFT.

I'M GOING TO PUT IT
AWAY IN THE CLOSET.

AND YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
UNTIL YOU DO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY.

TELL ME NOW. SORRY.

COME ON! MOM, I MAY
NEVER GET MARRIED.

I MAY BE A FREE
SPIRIT MY WHOLE LIFE

OR FALL FOR A SEPARATED CATHOLIC
GUY LIKE KATHERINE HEPBURN DID,

AND THEN NOT GET TO GO
TO HIS FUNERAL WHEN HE DIES.

THEN YOU'LL NEVER
KNOW WHAT I GOT.

I GOTTA KNOW.

NO. THIS IS TORTURE.

TOUGH.

OK, FINE. FORGET IT.

I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.

HUH. HUH.

HA!

OH, GOD. YOU SCARED ME.

COME ON, TELL ME.

LORELAI, GET AWAY.

TELL ME NOW.

I'M SERIOUS, GET AWAY.

PLEASE TELL ME.
THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

HEY, AM I TOO FAR FROM THE CURB?

YOU'RE WITHIN 5 FEET.

CLOSE ENOUGH FOR JAZZ.

WHAT? HUH?

LOOK IT UP?

YOU GOT IT.

RORY! OH, MY GOD. LANE!

I'M BACK!

I SEE.

OH, DID YOU EVER THINK
THIS DAY WOULD COME?

I HAD HOPES, DREAMS.

I ESCAPED FROM KOREA. I'M HOME.

HI, LORELAI.

WELCOME HOME, SWEETIE.

IT'S SO AMAZING TO BE BACK.

WHEN I GOT OFF THE
PLANE, I KISSED THE TARMAC.

JUST LIKE THE POPE.

IT WAS HOT, I BURNED MY LIPS.

THAT'S WHY THE POPE
ALWAYS LOOKS GRUMPY.

I'M BACK. I KNOW.

DID YOU GET MY LETTERS?

THE FIRST ONE WAS
A LITTLE INTENSE.

WHICH ONE WAS THAT?

THE ONE THAT SAID:

"KOREA EQUALS DEATH," WITH A
BUNCH OF EXCLAMATION POINTS

AND YOUR VERY SAD FACE
PLASTERED ALL OVER IT.

OK, SO THAT WAS A TAD DRAMATIC.

WAS IT AWFUL?

IT WASN'T.

REALLY?

SOME OF IT WAS GREAT.

NO WAY.

THE FOOD'S NOT SO BAD,
AND THEN MY COUSINS

WERE ACTUALLY
PRETTY INTERESTING.

AND THE BEST PART,
KOREA IS BOOTLEG HEAVEN.

I TOTALLY SCORED IN SEOUL.

ELVIS COSTELLO AT
THE MARQUEE IN 1978,

A... A... A BARELY COHERENT
NICO DOING DOORS SONGS IN 1974,

AND AN EVEN MORE
BARELY COHERENT IGGY POP

DOING DAVID BOWIE
SONGS NAKED IN 1981.

HOW DID YOU GET
THEM PAST CUSTOMS?

I STRAPPED THEM TO MY
BODY, LIKE IN MIDNIGHT EXPRESS.

COOL.

I'LL BE IN LUKE'S.

OK.

SO IT WAS JUST AN
OPEN-ENDED PLANE TICKET?

JUST TO SAVE MONEY. I
GUESS, I KIND OF OVERREACTED.

KIND OF? YOU DID EVERYTHING

BUT TIE A STRING WITH YOU AT ONE END
AND THE STATUE OF LIBERTY AT THE OTHER.

HEY.

LEWIS AND CLARK HAVE RETURNED.

OH, YEAH? WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHICH ONE HAD TO
PADDLE THE CANOE?

COFFEE?

YOU HAVE TO ASK?

SO, UH,

SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
YOU KNOW, THE WEDDING...

IT'S OK. I'M FINE.

I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT.

I'VE BEEN FEELING LIKE A JERK.

WHY?

THE WAY I HAD TO
COME DOWN ON MAX,

I DON'T KNOW. I WAS BEING A...

WHAT'S THAT WORD YOU USE?

"PICKLE-SCHNITZ"?

SCHNICKELFRITZ?

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

LUKE, IT'S OK. YOU ALREADY
APOLOGIZED FOR ALL THAT.

WELL, I'VE BEEN
FEELING KIND OF GUILTY.

DON'T.

YOU ARE GREAT, LUKE.

JUST MAKING ME
THAT CHUPPAH ALONE...

OH, THE CHUPPAH.

I LEFT THAT STUPID
CHUPPAH ON YOUR LAWN.

IT'S OK.

WHAT AN IDIOT.

REALLY, IT'S OK.

THIS ENORMOUS REMINDER JUST
SITTING ON YOUR LAWN, MOCKING YOU.

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE
IT MOCK, I PROMISE.

I'LL TAKE IT DOWN
IN THE MORNING.

NO, I'LL TAKE IT DOWN NOW.
HEY, WE'RE CLOSING EARLY.

CHEW IT OR LOSE IT.

HEY, LUKE, IT'S OK, REALLY.

I, UH, I THINK I'M
GONNA KEEP IT.

WHAT?

YEAH. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU MADE IT FOR ME,

AND IT DOESN'T HAVE TO
BE A WEDDING CHUPPAH.

IT CAN JUST BE A BEAUTIFUL
ARCHWAY IN OUR YARD.

I'LL GROW STUFF ON IT.

WELL, OK. UM...

I'LL HELP YOU MOVE IT AROUND THE
YARD, WHEREVER YOU WANT IT TO BE.

THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

SO, WHERE'D YOU GUYS GO?

WELL, WE DROVE AROUND A LITTLE,

WE HIT A B & B, AND WE
TOOK A TOUR OF HARVARD.

HARVARD? INTERESTING.

IT WAS AMAZING.

SEEING RORY THERE, IN A
DORM ROOM, IN A CLASSROOM...

SHE FIT.

I CAN SEE HER FITTIN' THERE.

SHE WAS RIGHT AT HOME.

SO, HOW ARE YOU TAKIN' THAT?

TAKIN' WHAT?

SEEING HER FIT.

I LOVED IT

AND I HATED IT.

THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT.

MAN, THESE PAST FEW DAYS...

SO MANY THOUGHTS
ABOUT MY LIFE THEN,

MY LIFE NOW, WHAT I MISSED.

THOUGHTS ABOUT
WHAT I'LL NEVER HAVE

AND WHAT I WANT TO HAVE.

THAT'S A LOT OF THOUGHTS.

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.

SO, CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION? YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER SET UP A
LINE OF CREDIT AT A BANK?

NO.

YOU DON'T PAY FOR EVERYTHING
WITH CASH ON HAND, DO YOU?

WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT?

I THINK IT'S TIME
TO MAKE A MOVE.

MEANING?

I'M DIVING IN.

SOOKIE AND I ARE FINALLY
GONNA OPEN THAT INN.

YEAH, I KNOW.

NO, I MEAN NOW.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING
AND DREAMING ABOUT IT.

AND IT'S TIME TO
FINALLY GET GOING ON IT.

WELL, IF THE TIME IS RIGHT...

IT IS.

YOU THINK I CAN HACK
BEING A BUSINESS OWNER?

I THINK YOU CAN HACK ANYTHING.

REALLY?

YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW ALL
THE CREATIVE STUFF TO THE JOB,

YOU CAN MANAGE, AND, UH, I'VE
SEEN YOU TRY TO ADD NUMBERS,

SO I'D GET AN
ACCOUNTANT, FIRST THING.

OK, YES.

SO HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?

THIS FAR.

WELL, LISTEN,

UM, YOU KNOW, I'M
NO FINANCIAL GENIUS,

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE
CAN SIT DOWN SOMETIME.

YOU CAN PICK MY BRAIN ON THE
FEW THINGS I DO KNOW ABOUT.

REALLY?

I'VE BEEN AROUND SOME.

CAN I ASK YOU STUPID QUESTIONS?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

HOW DOES INK COME OUT OF PENS?

ALL RIGHT, THERE
IS SUCH A THING.

UH, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO AVOID
THAT WHEN WE SIT DOWN, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU NEED HELP

WITH THE THING THAT'S
NOT A CHUPPAH ANYMORE.

I WILL.

SO FILL ME IN. WHAT'VE
YOU BEEN UP TO?

I GOTTA KNOW EVERYTHING.

I'VE BEEN TO HARVARD.

NO WAY. OH, MY GOD! HOW? WHEN?

WE JUST GOT BACK.

MOM, IS IT OK IF I GO
TO LANE'S FOR A BIT?

OH, YEAH. I'LL MEET
YOU BACK AT THE HOUSE.

HARVARD? THAT IS SO COOL.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

OH, HARVARD YARD, CLASSROOMS,
WHERE I MIGHT LIVE NEXT YEAR.

HOW WAS IT?

NEEDS A SPRUCE.

I'LL HELP YOU SPRUCE.

SOOKIE, HEY, IT'S
ME. WE'RE BACK.

GREAT. IT WAS GOOD,
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.

I WANT TO START
MOVING ON THE INN THING.

I MEAN, TAKE SERIOUS STEPS.

WE'RE READY, DON'T
YOU THINK? WE'RE READY.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, MEET ME EARLY
AT WORK TOMORROW.

YEAH.

I KNOW. I'M EXCITED, TOO.