Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 2, Episode 17 - Dead Uncles and Vegetables - full transcript
Lorelai and Rory help out at the diner while Luke is left to plan his unpleasant uncle's funeral, which causes him to reflect on his own existence. Meanwhile, Emily lends a hand planning Sookies wedding and the skies the limit.
HEY, WE'RE NOT IN, SO...
AH, BASHED MY THUMB.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.
I'M SO TIRED OF THIS
RIDICULOUS MACHINE.
I GET IT EVERY TIME...
OH, THAT WAS CLOSE.
RORY ARE ALWAYS OUT.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?
IS YOUR HOUSE THAT
AWFUL YOU CAN'T BE IN IT?
IT'S TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT.
MOM, WHAT ISN'T IN
EMILY'S RULES OF CONDUCT?
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK TO A MACHINE.
I'LL JUST CALL YOU LATER.
IF YOU HAD YOUR WAY, MOTHER
YOU'D LOCK US UP LIKE VEAL.
THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANT VEAL CHILDREN.
HEY, WE'RE NOT IN, SO...
AH, BASHED MY THUMB.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.
IT'S ME AGAIN...
YOU ARE TALKING TO A MACHINE.
DON'T FORGET THAT MY
D.A.R. MEETING'S ON TUESDAY
IT'S BURNED INTO MY
BRAIN. IT'S THERE FOREVER.
AND THE WOMEN ARE
ALL EXTREMELY PUNCTUAL.
WHEN I'M SENILE AND GAGA
AND DROOLING INTO A CUP,
AND I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME,
I'LL STILL REMEMBER THAT YOUR
D.A.R. MEETING IS THAT TUESDAY.
I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT
SOME OTHER THINGS LATER.
I'D HAVE TO BE DEPROGRAMMED
BY CULT DEPROGRAMMERS
TO GET THAT TUESDAY
OUT OF MY BRAIN.
HEY, WE'RE NOT IN, SO...
AH, BASHED MY THUMB.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.
YOUR PHONE
MESSAGE IS ANNOYING...
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING IT IS?
I THINK I HAVE A STANDARD
AGAINST WHICH TO MEASURE IT.
YOU HEARD IT LATELY?
CAN'T BECAUSE I'M
AMPUTATING MY EARS.
DON'T SAY YOUR NAME.
THAT THUMB BASHING
THING, IS THAT A JOKE?
WHY IS THAT YOUR
JOKES ARE ALWAYS...
AN EARLESS WORLD, WHAT A DREAM.
♪
♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪
♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪
♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪
♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪
♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪
HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY
TASTED THAT ONE, MOM?
TWICE. YOU'VE TASTED
THAT SOUP TWICE.
YOU KEEPING A RUNNING COUNT?
I'M MORBIDLY FASCINATED.
WELL, LORELAI, WHEN
YOU'RE TASTING ANYTHING,
THE FIRST TASTE
ACCLIMATES THE PALATE,
THE 2ND ESTABLISHES
A FOUNDATION,
THE 3RD IS TO MAKE
YOUR DECISION.
OH, THERE'S GONNA
BE A 3RD TASTE.
ISN'T THAT WHAT THIS IS
FOR, TO TASTE THE SOUP?
TASTE THEM, YES. NOT TO ORALLY
DEDUCE THEIR CHEMICAL STRUCTURES.
EVERYTHING HAS
TO BE AT YOUR PACE.
A PACE THAT CAN'T BE MEASURED
BY THE NUMBER OF TIMES
THE EARTH CIRCLES THE SUN.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
I'VE HEARD THAT.
WHAT?
ONE IS TO ACCLIMATE, 2 IS FOR
FOUNDATION, AND 3 IS TO JUDGE.
TRAITOR.
THE WOMEN IN MY D.A.R.
GROUP ARE VERY PICKY.
MY GOD, WHEN THE
PATE AT THE MEETING
HEDDY COVINGTON ORGANIZED
WAS LESS CHILLED
THAN APPROPRIATE,
SHE WAS OSTRACIZED FOR A MONTH.
THAT HUSSY HEDDY HAD IT COMING.
LORELAI.
THEY'RE ON TIME FOR ONCE. GOOD.
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR
AND TELL MICHEL THAT...
LORELAI, PLEASE.
THANKS.
UM, MOM, I... I GOT A LOT OF
OTHER THINGS HAPPENING HERE.
THEY CAN'T COME TO A
GRINDING HALT FOR THIS.
SO YOUR FULL ATTENTION FOR A
SHORT PERIOD IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
I'M ALREADY GIVING
YOU MORE ATTENTION
THAN I WOULD SOMEONE
IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.
NO ONE ELSE WOULD GET 8
SEPARATE SOUPS TO TASTE
FOR A LOUSY D.A.R... SORRY.
A NOT-LOUSY D.A.R. MEETING.
WE ONLY DO THIS FOR WEDDINGS.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
PAY FOR THE TASTING?
NO, MOM, JUST DECIDE
IN THIS CALENDAR YEAR.
HEY, CAN I... I'M SORRY.
THE MUSHROOM IS A GREAT
CHOICE. IT'S SUPER-POPULAR
AND IT'S MY JACKSON'S FAVORITE.
WHOSE?
JACKSON, MY FIANCE.
OH, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
TO THE BEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
HEY, WHILE WE'RE ON THE
SUBJECT, BRIDESMAIDS' OUTFITS.
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
I'VE ALREADY GOT
A COUPLE OF IDEAS.
IS ONE OF THEM HAVING
ME DESIGN AND MAKE THEM
SO I DON'T SECRETLY
HATE WHAT YOU PICK
AND HARBOR A SECRET GRUDGE
AGAINST YOU FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
IT IS NOW. I'LL DO IT.
WE'RE A GOOD TEAM.
THAT FELLOW'S ON THE
PHONE FROM THE RESTAURANT.
WHO?
THE FLANNEL MAN WITH
PROTRUDING ANKLES.
OH, LUKE.
I FORGOT HIS NAME
FROM THE DESK TO HERE.
THAT'S HOW MEMORABLE HE IS.
OK, THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO TALK TO LUKE.
CAN'T YOU CALL HIM BACK?
HAVE YOUR 3RD TASTE, MOM.
LORELAI!
IS SHE ALWAYS THIS SCATTERED?
SHE'S THE STABLEST
PERSON I KNOW.
THAT'S VERY SAD.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. MUSHROOM.
GREAT.
SO, TELL ME MORE
ABOUT YOUR WEDDING.
OH, I'VE JUST STARTED PLANNING,
SO THERE'S NOT THAT MUCH TO TELL.
HAVE YOU DECIDED
ON ANYTHING YET?
LIKE THE LOCATION, OR THE
MUSIC FOR THE CEREMONY, MAYBE?
OH, WE'LL PROBABLY JUST WIND
UP PLAYING SOMETHING OFF A C.D.
OH.
WHAT?
WELL, C.D.'S CAN
BE VERY UNRELIABLE.
THEY BREAK
SOMETIMES OR THEY SKIP
OR THE PERSON ASSIGNED TO TURN
THEM ON AND OFF GETS DISTRACTED
AND THE WHOLE
CEREMONY IS RUINED.
I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT LIVE MUSIC?
WELL?
A NICE STRING ENSEMBLE.
THAT SOUNDS NICE.
THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WONDERFUL
GROUPS I COULD RECOMMEND.
SURE. I GUESS, IT DOESN'T
HURT TO CHECK THEM OUT.
NO, IT DOESN'T.
MUSHROOM SOUP.
STRING QUARTET.
LUKE?
YEAH. HI. HELLO.
HOW'S IT GOING?
PRETTY GOOD. PRETTY GOOD.
HOW... HOW'S THINGS WITH YOU?
NOT BAD. DROPPED SOME EGGS.
HAZARD OF THE BUSINESS.
AM I CATCHING YOU AT A BAD TIME?
NO, IT'S KIND OF SLOW HERE.
SO SLOW THAT MICHEL AND I WERE
ABOUT TO GET THE TETHERBALL OUT.
THAT'S THE THING WITH THE
BALL TETHERED TO A ROPE?
HEY, I NEVER KNEW THAT'S
WHERE THE TETHER COMES FROM.
YEAH, IT'S TETHERED.
IT'S TIED LIKE AN ANCHOR,
IS TETHERED TO A ROPE ON A BOAT.
NEAT. NEAT.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T
PUT THAT TOGETHER.
PROBABLY NOT.
SO ANYTHING ELSE?
UH, YEAH, ACTUALLY.
IF I NEEDED A ROOM OR 2 FOR A
COUPLE OF DAYS, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE?
YOU NEED ROOMS?
LIKE, 9.
YOU NEED 9 ROOMS?
JUST FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY.
WELL, I CAN TAKE CARE
OF THAT. WHAT'S IT FOR?
UH, I JUST GOT SOME
FAMILY COMING IN.
REUNION? 'CAUSE WE CAN
GET THE TETHERBALL OUT.
NO, FUNERAL.
WHAT?
YEAH, MY UNCLE
LOUIE DIED LAST NIGHT,
AND I'M ARRANGING
THE FUNERAL FOR HIM.
OH, LUKE, I'M SO SORRY.
HERE I WAS BABBLING
ABOUT TETHERBALL.
YOU WEREN'T BABBLING.
YOU'VE GOT 9 ROOMS.
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY.
YOU SURE? IT'S A DONE DEAL.
THANKS.
LUKE, I'M SO, SO SORRY.
IT'S OK. IT SOUNDS
LIKE HE WENT PEACEFUL.
HE WAS 85.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS HARD. YOU OK?
YEAH, I'M OK.
CAN I HELP YOU
WITH ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THE ROOMS ARE HELP ENOUGH.
ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE, I'M
DEALING WITH MY MOM NOW,
AND I'D BE HAPPY TO RUSH
OVER AND HELP WITH WHATEVER.
YOU'D BE DOING ME A FAVOR.
THE ROOMS ARE
ALL I NEED. THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WELL, I GOT TO GO.
CALL IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
I WILL.
BY THE WAY, THAT
FRENCH GUY IS A PUTZ.
OH, YEAH. HE KNOWS.
ALL RIGHT. SEE YA.
BYE.
IT'S SO SAD.
I KNOW.
WAS LUKE SHAKEN
OVER HIS UNCLE DYING?
I DON'T KNOW. HE'S
SO UNFLAPPABLE.
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
THE MAN DEFINITELY
CAN'T BE FLAPPED.
♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOT
PLANNING ON GOING SOLO ♪
♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ♪
♪ TAKE ME DANCING TONIGHT ♪
CAN I GET ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE?
IN A MINUTE.
IS THAT MY FOOD?
MORE COFFEE HERE,
TOO. IN A MINUTE.
IS THAT MY FOOD?
MORE COFFEE FOR
ME, TOO. SHUT UP, KIRK.
IS THAT MY FOOD?
YES, THAT'S YOUR FOOD.
WELL, CAN I HAVE IT?
I'M DOING ALL I CAN HERE, FOLKS.
I ASKED NICELY.
WATCH THE CORD. TRY DUCKING.
YOU SHOULD UPDATE TO A CORDLESS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THANKS. I'M ON THE PHONE.
WE NOTICED.
I CAN'T SERVE AND
BE ON THE PHONE.
WE NOTICED THAT, TOO.
YOUR REENACTMENT OF JERRY LEWIS
IN THE DINER GUY
WILL WOW THE CRITICS.
WHERE DO THE POACHED EGGS GO?
CRANK IN THE HAT.
I'M NOT A CRANK.
YOU ARE A CRANK.
HE IS A CRANK.
AND THE FRENCH TOAST?
THE LADY WITH THE GIANT PURSE.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
HEY, FALL BACK, COWBOY.
WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COME HERE. JUST STAY ON
THE PHONE AND GIVE ME THESE.
WHERE DO THEY GO?
TABLE BY THE WINDOW.
DON'T YOU NUMBER YOUR TABLES?
YOU SHOULD NUMBER YOUR TABLES.
WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO?
IF I SAID A NUMBER, YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW WHAT TABLE'S WHAT NUMBER.
BUT ALL RESTAURANTS
NUMBER THEIR TABLES.
TABLE 5. THEY GO TO TABLE 5.
COOL. WHICH ONE IS THAT?
THE TABLE BY THE WINDOW.
BY THE WINDOW,
WILMA. GOT IT, GERTIE.
LUKE, HOW ABOUT THAT COFFEE?
I GOT IT.
THANKS.
BUT MINE'S A QUARTER CAF.
THREE-FOURTHS DECAF,
ONE-FOURTH CAFFEINATED.
AND FOUR-FOURTHS DON'T CARE.
FILL IT UP.
SORRY ABOUT THIS. IT'S OK.
I FORGET THE WORLD'S
FULL OF PEOPLE
WHO MICROMANAGE
THEIR LIVES TO THE POINT
WHERE THEY CAN'T
WAIT AN EXTRA SECOND.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF COFFEE.
I'LL MAKE SOME MORE.
NO, I GOT IT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW? DO I?
I'M CATHY COFFEE, MISTER
THE BASTARD OFFSPRING OF
MRS. FOLGER AND JUAN VALDEZ.
HEY, LUKE, WHERE'S JESS?
I DON'T KNOW.
SCHOOL?
PLEASE. PROBABLY UPSTAIRS.
REALLY? EXCUSE ME.
IT'S TOO STRONG. IT'S NOT.
IT'S TOO STRONG.
YOU'RE ON THE PHONE.
NOT EVERYONE LIKES IT STRONG.
WELL, THEN I SHALL CONVERT THEM.
I'M THE JEHOVAH'S COFFEE GIRL.
JESS, OPEN UP. I
KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.
MY, AREN'T WE BRIGHT-EYED
AND BUSHY-TAILED.
LUKE NEEDS YOU DOWNSTAIRS.
WHY?
BECAUSE. HE'S ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEONE, CAESAR'S OFF TODAY,
THE PLACE IS PACKED.
HE NEEDS HELP.
I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.
NO. NOW.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.
JUST ASSUME THAT
JEANIE'S GONNA GET
MAJOR HEALEY OUT OF
WHATEVER SCRAPE HE'S IN.
GEE, THANKS FOR
SPOILING IT FOR ME.
I NEED SOME MORE EQUAL.
THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE.
I NEED 7.
7! YOU'RE NOT
SQUIRRELING THESE AWAY
IN YOUR POCKET FOR
HOME USE, ARE YOU, KIRK?
NO, I USE 7 IN MY COFFEE.
OK. GOOD. THEN ALLOW ME.
THERE YOU GO.
GO AHEAD AND GIVE THAT A TASTE.
SEE IF IT'S TO YOUR LIKING.
OK.
PERFECTION.
GOOD.
YOU'RE VERY GRACEFUL.
SHE PUSHED ME.
SUE ME.
I COULD'VE BROKEN MY NECK.
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT YOUR
ARM. WE NEED YOUR ARM.
DESPOT.
IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO GET PAST
THIS PLACE'S STUPID BUSY SIGNAL,
THEN THEY PUT ME
ON HOLD FOREVER.
WHO'S KEEPING YOU ON HOLD?
THAT MORTUARY IN FLORIDA
WHERE MY UNCLE'S AT.
FLORIDA? I THOUGHT
HE WAS IN THE AREA.
NO, HE SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE
HERE BUT RETIRED TO ORLANDO.
SO I GOT TO SHIP
THE BODY BACK HERE.
OH, HE WANTED TO BE
BURIED IN STARS HOLLOW?
NO. MY DAD WANTED MY UNCLE BURIED
IN STARS HOLLOW RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
THAT'S NICE.
THEY WERE CLOSE,
AND LOUIE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY WIFE OR KIDS TO
LOOK OUT FOR THINGS.
BEFORE MY DAD DIED, HE
ASKED ME IF I'D LOOK OUT FOR HIM.
GOOD LOUIE.
YEAH, HE JUST WANTED ME TO MAKE
SURE HE GOT A PROPER FUNERAL.
YOU KNOW, RESPECTFUL, DIGNIFIED.
NO HORSESHOE
CARNATION WREATHS. GOT IT.
GOOD MAN, THAT DAD OF YOURS.
AND SINCE LOUIE'S A WAR VETERAN,
THE TOWN REVOLUTIONARY WAR
RE-ENACTORS WILL ATTEND THE SERVICE,
DO THE SALUTE THING, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS,
BUT MY DAD WANTED IT.
YEAH. HI. I'M STILL HERE.
YES, THE DECEASED
IS LOUIE DANES. RIGHT.
NO, HARTFORD'S NOT
TOO FAR. I CAN DO THAT.
THANKS.
GREAT. THAT'S DONE.
OK. I SHOULD PROBABLY GO PICK
OUT A COFFIN BEFORE HE GETS HERE.
GREAT. GO.
I HAVE TO CLOSE UP.
NO, YOU DON'T. YOU'RE COVERED.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
WE DON'T MIND. GO.
IT WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO NUMBER THE TABLES.
BE MY GUEST.
ALSO, ARE THEY ARRANGED LIKE
THIS FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON?
DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
IT'S TOTALLY NOT FENG SHUI.
GERTIE. GO.
EXCUSE ME, TAYLOR,
WHERE ARE YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS?
MY SUPPLIER WAS OUT OF
THEM THIS WEEK, MRS. CASSINI.
MAYBE NEXT WEEK.
I WANTED TO MAKE THEM TONIGHT.
SORRY.
OK. I'LL JUST TRY
ACROSS THE STREET.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ACROSS THE STREET?
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S A FARMER'S MARKET.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
IT JUST OPENED THIS
MORNING, AND I SEE SPROUTS.
WHO'S THE PROPRIETOR HERE?
THAT WOULD BE ME.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WAIT A MINUTE. I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE THAT LONG-HAIRED FREAK
THAT WANTED TO BE TOWN TROUBADOUR
EVEN THOUGH THAT WEIRD
BROWN-CORDUROYED-JACKET-WEARING FREAK
WAS ALREADY IT.
THAT'S RIGHT. GOOD
MEMORY. HOW ARE YOU?
LET GO OF ME.
DON'T LIKE TO BE
TOUCHED. THAT'S COOL.
GOT A DAVID AND
LISA THING HAPPENIN'.
MADE A MENTAL NOTE. NO PROBLEM.
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHIN'?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT INSPIRED
YOU TO OPEN A PRODUCE STAND
RIGHT ACROSS THE
STREET FROM MY MARKET?
IS THAT YOUR MARKET?
YES, THAT'S MY MARKET.
IT'S REAL NICE. HOMEY.
BOUGHT A BOX OF TISSUES THERE.
GOOD STUFF. GOOD STUFF.
EXCUSE ME.
YOUR PARSLEY, IS IT PRICED
PER BUNCH OR PER POUND?
PER POUND, BEAUTIFUL.
WOW, GOOD DEAL.
PATTY.
HI, TAYLOR. HOW ARE YOU?
YOU MEAN NOT COUNTING
THE KNIFE STICKING IN MY BACK?
SURE, HONEY, WHATEVER.
THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT.
IT'S APPROVED BY THE
PROPER AUTHORITIES.
I FOLLOWED THE RULES.
IT'S WHAT MY FATHER
TAUGHT ME. COP FOR 20 YEARS,
GOT SHOT IN THE BUTT. GOOD MAN.
TIPS OVER SOMETIMES
WHEN HE SITS, BUT GOOD MAN.
BEAUTIFUL SPROUTS.
FOR A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
THANK YOU.
OH, I FEEL SICK.
THAT'LL BE $4. SEE
YOU, MR. DOOSE.
I WANT TO LIE DOWN.
LORELAI, GOOD.
TELL ME ABOUT THE 9
ROOMS SET ASIDE HERE.
THERE'S NO NAME
ANYWHERE THAT I CAN SEE,
AND NO CREDIT CARD
TO HOLD THEM. MISTAKE?
NO, IT'S FOR LUKE.
FOR WHOM?
LUKE FROM LUKE'S DINER.
9 ROOMS FOR LUKE
FROM LUKE'S DINER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
FRENCH FRY CONVENTION?
NO, JUST PERSONAL.
MILKSHAKE SYMPOSIUM?
NO, IT'S SOMETHING PERSONAL.
I'M VOUCHING FOR HIM.
SODA POP SEMINAR?
STOP.
PICKLE PARTY?
HE'S GOT 9 ROOMS. NOW STIFLE.
OH, MOM, HI THERE.
LORELAI, HELLO.
I'M SORRY. DID WE GET
OUR SIGNALS CROSSED?
I DON'T REMEMBER MAKING
AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOU.
WE HAVE TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS
TO SEE EACH OTHER?
NO. BUT... GOOD ONE.
I'M NOT HERE TO SEE YOU.
OH, THIS ISN'T ABOUT
THE D.A.R. MEETING?
NO, THAT'S ALL READY TO GO.
I'M HERE TO MEET WITH SOOKIE.
SOOKIE?
I'M A LITTLE LATE. TRAFFIC WAS
AWFUL. EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU?
OH, MY GOD.
AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?
GORGEOUS. WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
MY WEDDING. YOUR WEDDING?
EMILY, HI!
IS THIS EVERYTHING
I SAID IT WAS?
AND MORE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THEY'RE FOR YOUR WEDDING?
OH, IT'S THIS COMPANY'S
SAMPLE PLACE SETTING.
EMILY SET ME UP WITH THEM.
THEY DID CELINE DION'S WEDDING,
AND STEVEN
SPIELBERG'S DAUGHTER'S,
JACK RUSSELL
TERRIER'S "BARK" MITZVAH.
YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON.
I COULDN'T MAKE THAT UP.
EXCUSE ME. THIS ONE'S SLIGHTLY
ASYMMETRICAL. FIX, PLEASE.
UM, WHAT IS WITH THE
FANCY PLACE SETTINGS?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA KEEP IT SIMPLE.
IT IS SIMPLE. IT LIGHTS UP.
JUST FLIP A SWITCH. SIMPLE.
TELL ME HOW MY MOTHER
GET SO INVOLVED IN ALL THIS?
SHE'S NOT THAT INVOLVED.
SHE JUST MENTIONED THE
OTHER DAY WHEN SHE WAS HERE
THAT SHE KNEW SOME PEOPLE THAT
COULD MAKE SAMPLES OF STUFF FOR US,
LIKE TABLE SETTINGS,
FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS.
WE WERE GONNA DO
THE FLOWERS OURSELVES.
I KNOW. BUT WHAT A
HASSLE THAT WOULD BE.
IT'S TO SAVE MONEY.
FLOWERS COST A FORTUNE.
YEAH, BUT THE SAMPLING OF
WHAT THEY'RE DOING TODAY IS FREE.
I'M NOT COMMITTED
TO ANY OF THIS.
I HOPE NOT.
IT'S TRUE. I SAY NO,
IT ALL GOES AWAY.
NOT A PENNY IS SPENT.
OK.
AND IT'S FUN.
I DON'T WANT TO
TAKE AWAY YOUR FUN.
I JUST WANT YOU TO BE CAREFUL.
SEE, YOU'VE
ENTERED "EMILY-LAND."
EMILY LAND?
IT'S AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD WHERE
THE HORCHOW HOUSE IS LOW-RENT,
AND DIAMONDS LESS THAN 24
CARATS ARE CRACKER JACK TRINKETS,
AND BENTLEYS ARE FOR LOSERS
WHO CAN'T AFFORD A ROLLS.
BUT I'M OK. REALLY.
ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE TO HELP LUKE WITH THE
LUNCH RUSH TODAY, SO I GOTTA GO.
GO. WE'RE FINE.
OK. BYE, MOM.
IS THAT A FINGERPRINT?
MY GOD! THAT'S A FINGERPRINT!
WHO TOUCHED THIS?
LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS.
TURNIPS, BUTTERNUT...
TURNIPS. TURNIPS.
WHAT? WHAT ABOUT TURNIPS?
WHY DID YOU SAY "TURNIPS?"
BECAUSE YOU SAID "TURNIPS."
NO, I DIDN'T. I THINK YOU DID.
NO, BUT I'VE GOT
TURNIPS. GOOD ONES, TOO.
THEY'RE NOT AS BIG AS THAT
CRINITE FREAK'S TURNIPS,
BUT WHO NEEDS BLOATED TURNIPS?
MINE ARE UNASSUMING.
I HAVE NICE, HUMBLE TURNIPS.
OKEY-DOKEY.
TAYLOR'S WIGGING.
I KNOW. HE'S BEEN SITTING THERE
LIKE THE FINAL DAYS OF DICK
NIXON FOR ALMOST AN HOUR.
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
HELLO, THERE. HOW'S IT GOING?
VERY GOOD, YOUNG LADY.
YOU STILL SERVING BREAKFAST?
WE SERVE IT ALL DAY.
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
2 EGGS UP ON TOAST.
UP, HUH?
YEAH.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
HAVE SCRAMBLED?
NOPE, UP'S HOW I LIKE 'EM.
GOD, SCRAMBLED'S
BETTER. GIVE IT A SHOT.
SAY YOU WANT 2 SCRAMBLED
EGGS ON TOAST, PLEASE.
OK, YOUNG LADY. 2
SCRAMBLED EGGS ON TOAST.
ADAM AND EVE ON A
RAFT AND WRECK 'EM.
THAT'S REAL LIVE DINER TALK.
THE "WRECK 'EM" IS
THE SCRAMBLED PART.
I DEDUCED THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THAT'S BABETTE WITH AN
ARMLOAD OF RUTABAGA.
AND THERE'S MISS PATTY AGAIN.
SINCE WHEN DOES SHE
EAT SO MUCH FRUIT?
HI, KIRK.
HELLO. WHERE'S LUKE?
OH, HE'S BUSY WITH SOME STUFF
SO RORY AND I ARE HELPING OUT.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
I DON'T KNOW. I WANT LUNCH,
BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO GET.
I HAVE A SUGGESTION:
HOW ABOUT A HAMBURGER WITH
SOME STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM
WITH CHOCOLATE
SAUCE FOR DESSERT?
SOUNDS GOOD.
YO, BURN ONE, THEN PASS ME A PINK
STICK AND THROW SOME MUD ON IT!
GOD, I LOVE THIS BUSINESS.
BOY, IT'S FREEZING OUT THERE.
YES, IT'S QUITE A COLD SNAP.
HOW ABOUT A HOT
BLONDE WITH SAND?
COFFEE WITH CREAM AND
SUGAR WOULD BE GREAT. THANKS.
MAKE SURE ITS
FOOT'S OUT THE DOOR.
PUT IT IN A CUP TO GO. GOT IT.
THIS ICY WEATHER HASN'T
KEPT CUSTOMERS AWAY, THOUGH.
THEY JUST KEEP COMIN'.
A LOT OF VEGETABLE SOUP
BEING EATEN TONIGHT, YESSIREE.
I HOPE I DON'T PUT THE GOOD PEOPLE
AT CAMPBELL'S OUT OF BUSINESS.
OH, HEY, TAYLOR. DIDN'T
NOTICE YOU THERE.
HELLO.
TAKING A LITTLE BREAK?
I DON'T SEE HOW IF YOU'RE
ANYWHERE NEAR AS BUSY AS I AM.
KEEP WAITING FOR A
LULL, NEVER GET ONE.
I SAY TO THE PEOPLE,
"HEY, I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFF."
LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE
LINING UP THERE ALREADY.
WELL, F.Y.I., VAN HALEN
HAIR, I'M PLENTY BUSY.
BUT A GOOD,
WELL-GROOMED BUSINESSMAN
WITH PROPERLY PREPARED STAFF
CAN TAKE A BREAK NOW AND THEN.
PROBABLY HELPED THAT YOUR
STORE WAS COMPLETELY DEAD, TOO.
IT WAS NOT DEAD.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
CLOSED WHEN I WALKED BY.
THEN I SAW GABBY AT THE CASH
REGISTER READING A TABLOID...
SHUT UP, KIRK.
TAPPING ON THE COUNTER WITH ONE
OF THOSE ASTROLOGICAL SCROLLS.
ENOUGH.
HERE YOU GO. GRACIAS.
OH, BOY, IT'S A MOB SCENE.
LUKE, IT'S ME.
HEY, BROUGHT YOU A WIMPY
WITH A ROSE PINNED ON IT.
A WHAT?
A TURKEY BURGER WITH ONIONS.
OH, THANKS. COME ON.
HOW'S THE MONEY PIT COMING?
OH, JUST... THAT'S IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WELL,
NONE OF THEM ARE
COMING, NOT ONE.
WHO?
MY RELATIVES, THE ONES I
BOOKED ALL THE ROOMS FOR.
NOT ONE IS COMING
TO LOUIE'S FUNERAL.
YOU'RE KIDDING. WHY?
I DON'T KNOW. WHICH LAME-O
EXCUSE DO YOU WANT TO HEAR FIRST?
A BUNCH CLAIM THEY
CAN'T GET OUT OF WORK.
THAT'S NOT SO LAME-O.
RANDY AND BARBARA DON'T WANT
TO MISS THEIR KID'S RUGBY SEMIFINAL.
RUGBY HAS SEMIFINALS?
MY SISTER NEVER
EVEN CALLED BACK.
MY COUSINS, PAUL AND JIM, THAT MY
DAD HELPED PUT THROUGH COLLEGE,
SAID THEY WERE TOO
EXHAUSTED FROM A FISHING TRIP.
AND SLIGHTLY DISTURBED
COUSIN FRANNIE SAID
SHE CAN'T LEAVE
BECAUSE HER PETEY'S SICK.
SON? PARROT.
PETEY, THE PARROT?
I SAW THE STUPID
THING ONCE ON A VISIT.
FLAPPING ITS WINGS LIKE
CRAZY, BANGING AROUND,
SQUAWKING THE ONLY 2
WORDS IT KNOWS OVER AND OVER:
"PETEY" AND "GORGEOUS."
GORGEOUS. PETEY.
GORGEOUS. PETEY.
THAT'S DISTURBING.
MY FAMILY'S DISTURBING.
I'M SO SORRY.
THIS IS WRONG. THIS
IS NOT HOW IT'S DONE.
A FAMILY MEMBER DIES, YOU
PAY YOUR RESPECTS, PERIOD.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. THEY DON'T WANT
TO BE THERE, YOU DON'T WANT THEM THERE.
MY DAD WANTED THEM TO BE THERE.
I KNOW.
BUT HEY, LOUIE LIVED IN
STARS HOLLOW MOST OF HIS LIFE.
SO PEOPLE FROM HERE
WILL BE THERE, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
I KNOW IT'S UPSETTING, BUT
MAYBE IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
YEAH, I GUESS. I
REALLY HATE THAT BIRD.
HEY, MOM.
WHAT'S UP, HONEY? YOU GOT A
HERD OF BULLS SHOPPING FOR CHINA?
WHAT? CUSTOMERS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU OWNED A DINER?
SORRY. JACKSON'S OUTSIDE. HE WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU. SAYS IT'S IMPORTANT.
ABOUT WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW. HE SEEMS UPSET.
ALL RIGHT. YOU OK?
YEAH. THANKS.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO STUDY
UP ON THAT DINER TALK.
I'LL DO THAT TONIGHT.
HEY, LUKE, WHERE'S JESS?
PROBABLY OUT PLAYING
BASKETBALL OR SOMETHING.
THAT LITTLE PUNK.
OH, HEY, CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YES. BACON, LETTUCE, AND
TOMATO SANDWICH, NO MAYO.
YO, I NEED A PIGGY-PIGGY
WITH A GREEN BED...
GREEN BLANKET.
B.L.T., NO MAYO. RATS.
JACKSON?
I'M A MISERABLE MAN.
WHAT'S UP?
REMEMBER THAT SWEET,
SIMPLE, AFFORDABLE,
LITTLE WEDDING
SOOKIE AND I AGREED ON
WITH MINIMAL DISAGREEMENT,
NO DISAGREEMENT, IN FACT,
PERHAPS THE FIRST TIME IN THE
HISTORY OF WEDDING PLANNING
THAT A COUPLE AGREED 100
PERCENT ON EVERYTHING?
YES.
GONE. ANCIENT HISTORY.
IT'S THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA,
THE COLOSSUS OF RHODES.
IT'S POP ROCKS. IT'S OVER.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
MY MOTHER? LOOK.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
THEY'RE MEASURING THE TOWN.
THEY'RE WHAT?
THEY'RE MEASURING THE ENTIRE
TOWN WITH TAPE MEASURES.
OH, MY GOD.
YOUR MOTHER GOT
HERS AT NEIMAN MARCUS.
IT'S PLATINUM WITH GOLD LEAF.
IT COSTS MORE THAN MY CAR.
I'M SO SORRY.
LOOK, I... I LOVE SOOKIE,
AND I WANT HER TO HAVE
WHAT SHE WANTS. BUT...
YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW?
YEAH.
ACCORDING TO THEIR DIAGRAMS,
THAT'S WHERE THE
16-PIECE ORCHESTRA GOES.
HOW ARE THEY GONNA FIT A
16-PIECE ORCHESTRA IN THE GAZEBO?
OH, THEY WANT TO
MOVE THE GAZEBO.
WHAT?
A GAZEBO THAT'S BEEN THERE FOR
100 YEARS, AND THEY WANT TO MOVE IT.
WHO MOVES A GAZEBO?
WHAT KIND OF TWISTED MIND EVEN
THINKS ABOUT MOVING A GAZEBO?
OK. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
SHE'S SO EXCITED.
SHE'S BRAINWASHED.
SHE'S PATRICIA HEARST,
AND MY MOTHER IS THE S.L.A.
I JUST HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
I HOPE SO, TOO.
WATCH THE SHIRT.
CORK IT.
IT SEEMS THE RIGHT
THING TO DO, TAYLOR.
I CONCUR.
WHEN ONE GAZES AT STARS HOLLOW,
ONE CAN EASILY OVERLOOK A
VITAL COMPONENT OF ITS BEAUTY,
AND THAT'S THE HUMBLE,
YET SPUNKY TWINKLE LIGHT.
HOLY COW.
IT DOESN'T GET FRUITIER.
HARRY'S HOUSE OF TWINKLE LIGHTS
HAS BEEN AN INTEGRAL PART
OF THIS TOWN FOR 20 YEARS,
SO IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT
WE HONOR HIS RETIREMENT.
SO I HEREBY DESIGNATE
NEXT TUESDAY,
"HARRY, THE TWINKLE LIGHT MAN
FROM HARRY'S HOUSE
OF TWINKLE LIGHTS" DAY.
THAT JUST TRIPS OFF THE TONGUE.
LATE AGAIN, ARE WE?
YES. I HOPE I'M NOT PREGNANT.
WHAT?
ARE THESE SEATS TAKEN?
DON'T DRAG ME IN THIS.
YOU HAVE TO WORK ON
YOUR PUNCTUALITY, LORELAI.
I BANGED THE MEETING
IN A HALF AN HOUR AGO.
DIRTY.
I'M GONNA TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THIS UNEXPECTED
PAUSE IN OUR PROCEEDINGS
TO CONFER WITH MISS PATTY
ABOUT THE NEXT ITEM ON OUR AGENDA.
WHAT DID WE MISS?
HARRY'S RETIRING.
THE TWINKLE LIGHTS MAN?
WHAT DO WE DO
FOR TWINKLE LIGHTS?
GO TO ANY DISCOUNT
STORE. BLASPHEMY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ANYHOW?
THIS IS A TOWN
MEETING FOR PEOPLE
WHO PARTICIPATE IN AND
CARE ABOUT THE TOWN.
CORKY'S COUNTRY CAVALCADE ON
PUBLIC ACCESS WAS PRE-EMPTED.
SO I THOUGHT I'D CHECK
OUT THE NEXT BEST THING.
I'M SURPRISED YOU
HAVE TIME TO BE HERE.
I DON'T, BUT I HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO GET
ANY OF THE WAR
RE-ENACTORS ON THE PHONE,
AND I HAVE TO CONFIRM
THEM FOR LOUIE'S FUNERAL.
ALL RIGHT, NOW. THE
LAST ORDER OF BUSINESS
IS A MATTER RELATING
PERSONALLY TO ME.
THEREFORE, I'M GOING TO
GIVE MISS PATTY MY GAVEL.
AGAIN. DIRTY.
STOP THAT.
NOW, DON'T GO POWER MAD.
OH, ALL RIGHT. GEE.
NOW, THE CHAIR
RECOGNIZES TAYLOR DOOSE.
TAYLOR, YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.
THANK YOU, PATTY.
MY ISSUE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IS IN THE FORM OF A GRIEVANCE
AGAINST THIS HIRSUTE HIPPIE
WHO OPENED A PRODUCE
STAND IN THE PARK.
OH, YEAH. KILLER VEGGIES.
TASTY.
HIS SQUASH IS BEAUTIFUL.
SEXY. IT'S SEXY SQUASH.
SEXY OR NOT,
I DEMAND THAT THIS MAN
PRODUCE HIS PERMIT POSTHASTE.
GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
MMM-HMM, JUST WHAT I THOUGHT.
THIS IS NOT THE PROPER PERMIT
FOR THIS KIND OF BUSINESS.
THIS IS A TYPE 24B.
OTHERWISE KNOWN
AS A CART, KIOSK,
CART/KIOSK PERMIT.
THIS IS NOT VALID
FOR YOUR BUSINESS.
WHY DOES IT SAY IT TWICE?
HUH?
YOU SAID, "CART,
KIOSK, CART, KIOSK."
IT'S REPETITIVE. AND REDUNDANT.
IT'S REPETITIVE. AND REDUNDANT.
WE CERTAINLY ARE
ENTERTAINING, MAC.
INDUBITABLY, TOSH.
IT'S NOT REDUNDANT.
IT'S 3 SEPARATE THINGS.
IT'S A CART, A KIOSK,
AND A MECHANICAL HYBRID
REFERRED TO AS A CART/KIOSK.
HENCE, CART, KIOSK, CART/KIOSK.
HE DID IT AGAIN.
HE'S BEEN STRESSED LATELY.
HIS STORE IS DESERTED.
I'LL MAKE IT SIMPLE:
THIS IS FOR BUSINESSES
THAT ROLL IN IN THE MORNING
AND ROLL OUT AT NIGHT.
EMPHASIS ON THE WORLD "ROLL."
ROLLING BUSINESSES.
BUSINESSES THAT ROLL.
BUT I CARRY MY
TABLES OUT AT NIGHT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
ROLL THEM, RAPUNZEL,
AND CARRYING
ISN'T ROLLING, IS IT?
I MEAN, DID ANYONE HEAR THE WORD
"ROLLING" COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH?
CHECK THE TRANSCRIPT.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND ONE
WORD MISSING: ROLLING.
TRANSCRIPT?
YEAH, TAYLOR, THIS
ISN'T CHARLIE ROSE.
HE'S LOSING HIS MARBLES.
IT'S JUST A PERSONAL VENDETTA.
HIS STORE IS DESERTED.
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD END
THE MEETING RIGHT HERE, TAYLOR.
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.
YOU, THERE, WHEN
LADY GODIVA HERE
WANTED TO BE TOWN
TROUBADOUR OVER YOU,
I STOOD BY YOUR SIDE.
WHY AREN'T YOU BACKING ME NOW?
'CAUSE YOU LEFT ME TWISTING FOR A
LONG TIME BEFORE YOU DID, TAYLOR,
AND IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.
I EVEN WROTE A SONG
ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.
OH, I HEARD IT. IT'S CALLED
TAYLOR LEFT ME TWISTING.
OH, YEAH, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
YOU THINK? 'CAUSE I'M HAVING
TROUBLE WITH THE CHORUS.
♪ TAYLOR LEFT ME TWISTING,
HE SET MY EYES A-MISTING ♪
I'M NOT SURE IF IT HAS
THAT THING, THOUGH.
NO, I LOVE THAT PART.
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT
THAT MAYBE AT THE END,
YOU COULD DO MORE
ABOUT THE SWEATER.
WE'LL TALK.
I'M GONNA WRAP THIS UP.
NOW, PATTY, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF THIS GUY DECIDED TO OPEN
THE LONGHAIRED FREAK
SCHOOL OF DANCE?
OR THE LONGHAIRED
FREAK DINER, LUKE?
OR THE LONGHAIRED
FREAK BOOKSTORE?
IT'S NOT GOOD, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY WHO AGREES
THAT WE WOULD NOT FEEL
GOOD ABOUT THAT, SAY AYE.
AYE!
MEETING ADJOURNED. GOOD NIGHT.
ANOTHER FUN ONE.
TAYLOR, HOLD ON A SEC.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME CLEANING
UP TO DO OVER AT THE DINER?
GUYS, HOLD IT. COME ON.
YOU HEARD ME CALLING YOU. STOP.
WHAT IS IT, LUKE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS IT?
MY UNCLE LOUIE'S FUNERAL'S
TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ANY OF YOU.
HE WAS A WORLD WAR II VETERAN,
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU
RE-ENACTOR FREAKS DO.
YOU GO TO VETS' FUNERALS. SO
YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE, RIGHT?
HELLO?
YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA TALK TO HIM.
BURT SAID HE WAS GONNA DO IT.
IT'S TAYLOR'S JOB.
YOU ALWAYS PASS THE BUCK.
TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT, GUYS?
YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW, LUKE.
WE DON'T WANT TO
GO TO LOUIE'S FUNERAL.
WHAT?
WE ALL HATED LOUIE.
OH, COME ON, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
HE ALWAYS HAD A
SCOWL ON HIS FACE,
NOT A KIND WORD FOR ANYBODY.
HE WOULD LIGHT
THOSE HIDEOUS CIGARS,
BLOW SMOKE IN PEOPLE'S FACES,
AND THEN SPIT AFTER EACH PUFF.
HE WAS DISGUSTING.
AND MEAN. HE KICKED
MY DOG WHEN I WAS A KID.
HE HIT ON MY WIFE REPEATEDLY.
TOTO WAS ALWAYS
DIFFERENT AFTER THAT.
MY WIFE WAS MUCH
AFFECTED AS WELL.
I'D TOSS HER SOMETHING
TO FETCH. SHE'D RUN AFTER IT,
AND HALFWAY THERE SHE'D
FORGET WHAT SHE WAS DOING.
SHE NEVER ENJOYED HER SOAP
OPERAS THE SAME AFTER THAT.
SHE'D JUST LIE DOWN
AND GO TO SLEEP.
THIS IS AN EXAGGERATION.
WE'RE NOT EXAGGERATING. WE
THREW A BIG PARTY WHEN HE LEFT TOWN.
I MADE LOVE TO MY WIFE
THAT NIGHT LIKE I NEVER HAVE.
MY TOTO BARKED A HAPPY BARK,
THEN QUIETLY STOPPED
BREATHING. SHE WAS OLD.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
COME ON, LUKE, YOU KNEW THE GUY.
THIS MAN WAS MY UNCLE,
OK? AND A WAR VETERAN.
HE DESERVES A VETERAN'S FUNERAL.
BUT, HEY, IF YOU GUYS
ARE TOO LAZY TO SHOW UP...
HE'S THE LAZY ONE.
NEVER ONCE DID HE
PARTICIPATE IN A TOWN FUNCTION.
IN FACT, WHEN WE RE-ENACTORS
GATHERED, HE'D THROW THINGS AT US.
AND NOT SOFT
THINGS. HARD THINGS.
ROCKS AND SMALL TOOLS.
OK, I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
AND HE GOT MEANER
AS HE GOT OLDER.
NEVER MARRIED, NEVER HAD KIDS.
A REAL LONER.
TO HELL WITH YOU
GUYS. WHO NEEDS YOU?
I MIGHT THROW ROCKS AND SMALL
TOOLS AT YOU MYSELF NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.
A DEFENSIVE HOTHEAD
JUST LIKE LOUIE.
PRACTICALLY CLONES.
OH, MY GOD. THIS
IS SO HIGH TECH.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M DOWNLOADING WEDDING
STUFF FROM PRAGUE.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
IT'S STREAMING IN RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S INTERNET TALK. STREAMING.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
DID YOU KNOW IT'S NOT CALLED
CZECHOSLOVAKIA ANYMORE.
JUST CZECH REPUBLIC.
SLOVAKIA IS ITS OWN
SEPARATE THING.
IT'S WEIRD, ISN'T IT?
LIKE SAYING THERE'S
NO MORE CONNECTICUT.
IT'S JUST "CONNEC" AND "TICUT."
WHAT ARE YOU
DOWNLOADING FROM PRAGUE?
THIS WILL MUCH AMUSE YOU.
COLOR SAMPLES FOR
THE BIG CERAMIC STANDS.
CERAMIC STANDS FOR WHAT?
FOR THE GIANT
PAPIER-MACHE MUSHROOMS.
WHAT ARE PAPIER-MACHE
THE MUSHROOMS FOR?
FOR THE MIDGETS DRESSED LIKE
ANGELS TO DANCE UNDER, SILLY.
OH, MY GOD.
EMILY FOUND THE BEST PAPIER-MACHE
MUSHROOM MAKER IN PARIS.
HE'S MUCH BETTER THAN THE
GUY THAT MAKES THEM IN BELGIUM.
WHAT A HACK.
SOOKIE, I NEED YOU TO STOP STARING
AT THE SCREEN. WE NEED TO TALK.
PLEASE DON'T TALK HER
OUT OF THESE THINGS.
I DO NOT WANT TO DIE WITHOUT SEEING
MIDGETS DANCING WITH MUSHROOMS.
STAY OUT OF THIS.
OH, YOU'RE NO FUN.
WHAT IS IT, HONEY?
LOOK, THE... THE
DANGER OF EMILY-WORLD
IS THAT YOU DON'T
ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE IN IT
WHEN ACTUALLY YOU ARE.
OH, NOT THIS
EMILY-WORLD STUFF AGAIN.
SOOKIE, HAVE YOU RUN THE
NUMBERS ON ANY OF THIS?
WHAT IS THIS COSTING YOU?
I DON'T KNOW THE FULL
COST, BUT YOUR MOTHER
IS GETTING ME 50 PERCENT
OFF OF EVERYTHING.
SHE IS SO CONNECTED.
OK, BUT 50 PERCENT
OFF A LOAD OF MONEY
IS STILL HALF A LOAD OF MONEY.
YOU DON'T HAVE
HALF A LOAD TO SPEND.
WELL, IF I SCRIMP, I CAN
AFFORD A QUARTER LOAD.
THAT'S STILL TOO MUCH.
YOUR MOTHER SAID
SHE'D CHIP IN A LITTLE.
THAT IS WAY, WAY,
WAY INAPPROPRIATE.
I DIDN'T TAKE HER UP
ON IT, BUT IT WAS NICE.
SOOKIE, THIS ISN'T YOU:
THE MIDGETS, MUSHROOMS,
AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.
AND IT ISN'T JACKSON, EITHER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE TALKED.
YOU AND JACKSON TALKED?
I'M SORRY, BUT HE
CAME TO ME ALL UPSET.
AND I LOVE YOU SOOKIE,
AND I LOVE HIM, TOO.
AND IT JUST SEEMED LIKE IT
WAS TIME FOR ME TO MEDDLE.
HE WAS UPSET?
HE WAS PRETTY UPSET.
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TALK TO ME?
BECAUSE HE'S JACKSON.
HE WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY AND
TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
SO WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS,
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?
WELL,
MAYBE THE MIDGETS ARE A LITTLE
OVER THE TOP AND THE MUSHROOMS...
OH, MY GOD. IT'S ALL
SOUNDING SO SILLY NOW.
YOU'RE COMING OUT
OF IT. KEEP GOING.
OH, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO
KEEP THIS NICE AND SIMPLE.
GOD, WE HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.
SO GO BACK.
I WILL GO BACK.
THAT IS IF JACKSON STILL
WANTS TO MARRY ME.
OF COURSE HE STILL
WANTS TO MARRY YOU.
I'M GONNA CALL HIM AND I'M GONNA
TELL HIM IT'S ALL CHANGING BACK.
GOOD.
OH, I SHOULD CALL AND
CANCEL SOME STUFF FIRST.
I'VE GOT TO CALL BELGIUM, OSLO,
COPENHAGEN, BORA BORA.
WHAT DID YOU ORDER FROM THERE?
I'M GONNA SHIELD
YOU FROM THAT ONE.
THANKS.
HELLO. LUKE.
SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.
OK, I'LL COME RIGHT OVER.
I GOT TO GO.
CALL, CALL AND...
WELCOME BACK, FRIEND.
THANKS.
OH, I'M GONNA START
WITH HONG KONG.
I AM HOPING THOSE ACROBATS
CAN GET ANOTHER GIG.
THERE YOU ARE.
IT WON'T CLOSE.
WHAT? THE LID.
WHAT?
OH, HELLO, LOUIE.
THAT'S LOUIE.
NICE TAN.
NOW YOU SAY THE LID WON'T CLOSE?
YES. THE LID WON'T CLOSE.
DID YOU BUY THE RIGHT SIZE?
OF COURSE, I BOUGHT
THE RIGHT SIZE.
IT'S THE MODEL WE RECOMMEND FOR
THOSE OF MEDIUM HEIGHT AND WEIGHT.
AND HE'S OF MEDIUM
HEIGHT AND WEIGHT.
THEN WHY WON'T IT CLOSE?
BECAUSE OF THE
STUFF. WHAT STUFF?
THE STUFF! HE LEFT A LIST OF
STUFF HE WANTED BURIED WITH HIM.
IT'S NOT UNCOMMON.
IT'S A VERY LONG LIST.
FISHING REEL, BOWLING TROPHY, A
FLASK, HIS ANTIQUE DUELING PISTOLS,
HIS COPY OF SHERMAN'S MEMOIRS.
IS ALL THE STUFF IN THERE NOW?
YES, IT IS.
I SHOVED IT IN THE BEST I
COULD, BUT IT WON'T CLOSE
WHICH DEFEATS THE
ENTIRE PURPOSE OF HAVING
A DAMN CASKET
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MAY I?
GIVE IT A SHOT.
WHOA!
THE FOOTBALL SIGNED BY JOHNNY
UNITAS GIVES IT THAT BOUNCE.
WHA-WHAT IF WE MOVE
THE GAS MASK AND PITH HELMET
DOWN TOWARDS THE FEET?
THAT END ALREADY HAS EVERY
BASEBALL CARD HE EVER BOUGHT,
THOUSANDS OF THEM.
OH, BUNGEE CORD. NO.
UM, WHAT IF WE GOT SOME
PEOPLE FROM THE OFFICE HERE,
ACCOUNTING OR WHATEVER, TO SIT
ON THE LID AND WE COULD LATCH IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANYBODY
YOU COULD SPRING?
I'M OUT OF IDEAS.
SO AM I.
YOU KNOW WHAT? TO HELL
WITH THIS. TO HELL WITH THIS.
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE.
IT HAS TO BE DEALT WITH.
IT DOESN'T. IT'S NOT AS IF HE
DESERVES MY HELP OR MY RESPECT.
THE MAN WAS YOUR UNCLE.
HE WAS A JERK!
DON'T SAY THAT.
NO, TAYLOR AND THE
GUYS WERE RIGHT.
I WAS CUTTING LOUIE SLACK
OUT OF RESPECT FOR MY DAD,
BUT THE MAN WAS ROTTEN AND
MEAN AND SELFISH ALL HIS LIFE.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE'S
EVEN SELFISH IN DEATH.
OTHER PEOPLE WOULD HAVE LOVED
TO HAVE THOSE BASEBALL CARDS.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE
HAD THOSE BASEBALL CARDS.
HE'S GOT LOU
GEHRIG'S ROOKIE CARD,
JOE DIMAGGIO, WILLIE
MAYS, TONS OF OTHERS.
BUT, NO. MY UNCLE, KING TUT,
HAS TO TAKE ALL OF THEM
TO THE AFTERLIFE WITH HIM.
SIR, YOUR VOICE.
I'M DONE. I'VE HAD IT.
FROM NOW ON, IT'S JUST THE
BARE MINIMUM AND THAT'S IT.
DIG A BIG HOLE AND JUST
DUMP THE CASKET IN UNLATCHED.
IF STUFF FALLS OUT, FINE.
JUST PILE ON ENOUGH DIRT
AND MAKE SURE NOTHING'S SHOWING.
I'M ASSUMING THAT WOULDN'T
BE APPROPRIATE, EITHER.
NO.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
YOUNG MAN, WHERE'S THE YOUNG
LADY WE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT
WHO'S USING THOSE
DELIGHTFUL OLD DINER PHRASES
TO PLACE PEOPLE'S
ORDERS? IT SOUNDS SO FUN.
COULD YOU POINT HER OUT FOR US?
NO.
THAT'S TO EVERYONE.
I'LL BE UPSTAIRS.
THANKS FOR DOING THE VERY
LEAST YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
LUKE, THERE YOU
ARE. I WAS WORRIED.
YEAH, SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE
CALLED. THANKS FOR COVERING AGAIN.
THIS'LL BE THE
LAST TIME. I PROMISE.
IT'S OK. WHERE WERE YOU?
AT FIRST, I WALKED AROUND A
BUNCH TRYING TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
SAW A LOT OF HARTFORD.
WHAT A CESSPOOL.
YOU'RE NOT A CITY MAN.
I CALMED DOWN AFTER A WHILE
AND I FIGURED DUMPING
LOUIE'S BODY IN AN OPEN GRAVE
WITH ALL HIS STUFF PROBABLY
WOULD BE A LITTLE COLD.
JUST A TAD.
SO I GOT A YELLOW
PAGES AND I FOUND
A BIG-AND-TALL CASKET
SHOP IN HARTFORD.
YOU'RE KIDDING. NOPE.
I FOUND A CASKET THAT
WOULD FIT MY 160-POUND UNCLE
AND HIS 140 POUNDS OF STUFF.
GOT THE LID TO SHUT
THE FIRST TIME WE TRIED.
SO THE FUNERAL'S
ON AS SCHEDULED.
GOOD.
I STILL DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M DOING THIS.
YOU ARE DOING IT FOR YOUR DAD.
YEAH, I GUESS,
ALTHOUGH HE'S DEAD,
SO HE'D NEVER KNOW IF I
WAS DOING IT ANY DIFFERENT.
HE KNOWS.
HE'S GOT THE BIG LUKE
PICTURE SCREEN ON
24 HOURS A DAY, HE
WATCHES AND SMILES.
AND YOU'RE DOING
IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE YOU.
I'M GONNA CHANGE,
THEN YOU CAN RETIRE
FROM YOUR DINER CAREER FOREVER.
NO, IT'S FUN.
I CAME UP WITH SOME
NEW DINER PHRASES.
YOU KNOW WHAT A
"LUCKY DUCK CLUCK" IS?
NO.
IT'S FOIE GRAS WITH CHICKEN
AND GREEN SHAMROCK FROSTING.
WHY WOULD ANYONE
EVER ORDER THAT?
IF THEY'RE HIGH.
UGH, GOOD GRIEF.
WHAT?
BAD VIBE SANDWICH JUST CAME IN.
YOU BETTER RETREAT.
I WON'T BE LONG.
HI, MOM.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU WORK HERE?
I'M JUST LENDING A
HAND. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I WENT BY THE INN TO WORK
WITH SOOKIE ON HER WEDDING.
YEAH?
AND SHE FIRED ME.
SHE DIDN'T FIRE YOU.
SHE'S CLAIMS TO HAVE CHANGED HER
MIND ON ALL THE THINGS WE PLANNED.
MAYBE SHE DID.
NO, SHE DIDN'T. I KNOW
WHAT'S BEHIND THIS.
THAT IS, WHO'S BEHIND THIS.
IT WAS GETTING TO BE TOO MUCH FOR
HER AND TOO MUCH FOR HER FIANCE.
I KNEW IT.
MOM, THESE ARE
NOT WEALTHY PEOPLE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
THEY'RE SAVING FOR A HOME,
AND YOUR MIDGETS WERE DANCING
BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR DREAMS.
YOU SAY "MIDGETS"
LIKE IT'S SO ABSURD.
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?
I DON'T SEE WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH
MY HELPING SOOKIE PLAN HER WEDDING.
MOM, COME ON.
WHAT COME ON?
YOU WEREN'T PLANNING
SOOKIE'S WEDDING.
WELL. THEN, WHOSE
WEDDING WAS I PLANNING?
MINE.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
MOM, YOUR VISION FOR THIS WEDDING
AND ALL THE OVER-THE-TOP STUFF,
LIKE A ZILLION DOLLOR FLOWERS,
BUNTING, CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN,
AND THE HAUTE-COUTURE DRESS.
WHO'S WEARING THAT WEDDING
DRESS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, MOM?
IS IT SOOKIE? OR IS IT ME?
I WASN'T PLANNING
YOUR WEDDING, LORELAI.
RIGHT.
THE WEDDING I WAS
PLANNING WAS FOR SOOKIE.
THE MUSHROOMS AND COLORS,
THEY ALL SEEMED LIKE FUN,
A LITTLE CRAZY JUST LIKE SHE IS.
IT DEFINITELY WAS NOT FOR YOU.
OK, MOM.
I KNOW THAT IN A MILLION YEARS YOU'D
NEVER LET ME PLAN YOUR WEDDING.
I GAVE UP ON THAT
DREAM A LONG TIME AGO.
YOURS WAS GOING TO BE A RUSSIAN
WINTER THEME, THE ROMANOVS.
BEFORE THE FIRING
SQUAD, I ASSUME?
SNOW-WHITE ROSES,
TREES WITH WHITE
LIGHTS AND CANDLES.
SNOW EVERYWHERE.
YOU ARRIVING IN A SILVER
SLEIGH WITH WHITE HORSES.
WOW.
YOU HATE THE IDEA.
NO, I JUST...
YOU JUST HATE IT.
NO, IT JUST DOESN'T
SEEM LIKE ME.
YES, WELL, IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN BEAUTIFUL.
I'M SURE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN.
ANYHOW, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT
WOULDN'T BE APPROPRIATE ANYMORE
BEING AS I'M PROBABLY
STANDING IN YOUR RECEPTION HALL.
EXCUSE ME?
BURGERS AND FRIES
FOR THE DINNER,
THE BRIDE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE
WITH A KETCHUP
DISPENSER IN HER HAND.
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT LUKE.
LUKE? MOM!
WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS, LORELAI.
NO, IT'S NOT, MOM.
YOU'RE WITH HIM CONSTANTLY.
HE FEEDS ME.
YOU BRING UP HIS
NAME CONSTANTLY.
ONCE AGAIN, HE FEEDS ME.
THE MOMENT HE CALLS,
YOU RUN TO HIS SIDE.
HE'S MY FRIEND. HE NEEDED ME.
I HAD TO BE THERE.
YES, I KNOW YOU DID.
HI.
HELLO.
I HAVE TO GO.
I'LL SEE YOU FOR
DINNER TONIGHT, LORELAI.
AND LUKE, I'M SURE I'LL
SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE ROMANOVS?
THEY PROBABLY HAD IT COMING.
A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
WE'RE HERE, OF
COURSE, TO HONOR LOUIE,
TO PAY OUR RESPECTS,
AND TO BID HIM A
SORROWFUL GOODBYE.
YOU OK?
YEAH. I'M NOT BIG ON
FUNERALS IN GENERAL.
NOBODY IS.
HE PASSED AWAY IN HIS SLEEP,
SO THE END CAME
PEACEFULLY FOR LOUIE,
WHICH I'M SURE IS A GREAT
COMFORT TO ALL WHO KNEW HIM.
THE PASSING-AWAY PART WAS A
GREAT COMFORT FOR ALL WHO KNEW HIM.
I DIDN'T KNOW HIM.
GOOD THING.
BUT I UNDERSTAND
HE WAS A FINE MAN,
DESTINED TO BE MISSED BY MANY.
ESPECIALLY THE ONES
THAT WERE SUING HIM.
STOP. SORRY, FATHER.
REVEREND.
RIGHT.
NOW LET US WITNESS LOUIE DANES
AS HE IS INTERRED AND
BROUGHT TO THE LORD.
IT WAS A NICE SERVICE.
NICE AND, UM, INTIMATE.
I GUESS EVERYBODY DESERVES
SOMETHING AT THE END.
THANKS FOR COMING.
I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT.
THAT AIN'T ME, IS IT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT TAYLOR SAID
ABOUT ME BEING LIKE LOUIE:
A LONER, NEVER BEING
MARRIED AND STUFF?
I'M GETTING CRANKIER
AS I GET OLDER.
HE'S NOT SO FAR OFF.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR UNCLE.
I MEAN,
WOULD LOUIE EVER
BUILD SOMEONE A HUPPAH
OR HELP FIX THINGS AROUND
SOMEONE'S HOUSE WITHOUT BEING ASKED,
OR MAKE A SPECIAL COFFEE CAKE
WITH BALLOONS FOR A
GIRL'S 16TH BIRTHDAY?
RORY TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?
YES. WOULD LOUIE HAVE
TAKEN IN HIS SISTER'S KID
WITHOUT HESITATING, WITHOUT
ASKING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN?
NO ONE WOULD'VE TRUSTED
LOUIE WITH THEIR KID.
HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE
FORGOTTEN TO FEED HIM, OR SOMETHING.
YOU GET MY POINT.
YEAH, I GET IT.
WHAT'S THAT?
IS THAT ANDREW?
I BELIEVE IT IS.
LEFT, LEFT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.
THAT'S ALL OF THEM.
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT.
COMPANY HALT.
COMPANY SALUTE!
THANKS.
IT'S WHAT YOUR DAD WANTED.
YEAH.
AND OLD LOUIE WOULD
HAVE HATED THIS.
THAT'S JUST A FRINGE BENEFIT.
PRESENT ARMS!
♪
DO YOU THINK HE'S IN HEAVEN?
I HOPE SO, JUST SO MY DAD CAN
KICK HIS BUTT AROUND THE PLACE.
CAN YOU KICK WHEN
YOU'RE IN HEAVEN?
IT'S PROBABLY FROWNED UPON.
YEAH, PLUS YOU'RE ALL
SEE-THROUGH AND GAUZY.
DAD'S FOOT COULD
GO RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
THIS IS A SILLY CONVERSATION.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
HI.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A WAKE.
A WAKE? FOR LOUIE.
I THOUGHT YOU SET IT UP.
I... I DIDN'T SET IT UP.
IT'S GOING WELL, ANYWAY.
PEOPLE BROUGHT A TON OF
FOOD, IF YOU GUYS ARE HUNGRY.
THIS IS UNEXPECTED. VERY.
DON'T YOU HAVE WAKES
FOR PEOPLE YOU LIKE?
THINK IT MIGHT BE FOR YOU.
AM I DEAD?
FACE IT, LUKE. PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
SHUT UP.
WITH CHARM LIKE THAT,
HOW CAN THEY RESIST?
HEY, TAYLOR. COOL THREADS.
VERY "ONE IF BY LAND." MMM-HMM.
I SEE YOU'RE DIGGING
INTO THE VEGETABLES.
THANKS FOR THE PLAY-BY-PLAY.
BROUGHT THOSE MYSELF.
HEY, HOW WAS THE FUNERAL?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE TENDING TO
YOUR LITTLE STAND OUT THERE, FRIEND?
WELL, THE STAND'S GONE.
WHAT?
IT'S GONE. I'M ALL PACKED
UP. I'M OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T GET IT.
I JUST GROW THIS
STUFF IN MY BACKYARD,
AND AS OF
YESTERDAY, SOLD IT ALL.
YOU SOLD IT ALL?
SOLD IT ALL. MADE ENOUGH
MONEY TO DO SOME TRAVELING.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ISRAEL?
TURBULENT, I KNOW, BUT
I THOUGHT I'D GO DOWN
AND TRY AND PLANT
SOME PEACE DOWN THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SEE
IF IT GROWS, SEE IF IT SPREADS.
SHUT UP.
WHY DID YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL
THAT HOO-HA AT THE TOWN MEETING
IF YOUR VEGETABLE BUSINESS
WAS JUST TEMPORARY?
ACTUALLY YOU PUT
YOURSELF THROUGH IT, TAYLOR.
YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH IT.
NICE SPREAD.
PEOPLE HAVE TOO MUCH
FREE TIME IN THIS TOWN.
YOU DID A GOOD THING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I THOUGHT MY MOM
SET THIS UP. SHE DIDN'T.
SO? IT WASN'T ME.
IT WASN'T?
NO, NO WAY.
IT WASN'T ME.
IF YOU SAY SO.
LOOK, THE CRAZY BALLET
TEACHER ASKED WHEN LUKE
WAS GETTING BACK
FROM THE FUNERAL,
IF I COULD UNLOCK THE DOOR.
I CAME DOWN, UNLOCKED THE
DOOR, AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP.
SO YOU DID DO A
LITTLE SOMETHING.
I UNLOCKED THE DOOR.
SO PEOPLE COULD COME IN HERE
AND PUT THIS TOGETHER. NICE.
NICE FOR THEM, NOT FOR ME.
YOU FACILITATED IT.
YOU MADE IT HAPPEN.
SO I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU'RE
OFFICIALLY PART OF OUR TOWN NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE. WELCOME.
I'M NOT PART OF THIS TOWN.
SEE YOU FOR SOME TREE PLANTING
AT THE ARBOR DAY FESTIVAL, BUDDY.
YEAH, MAYBE I CAN KNOCK
OVER A LIQUOR STORE
WHILE EVERYONE'S PLANTING TREES.
AS LONG AS IT'S A
LIQUOR STORE IN TOWN.
SO, LIKE I SAY, IT'S HALLOWEEN,
RIGHT, AND WE'RE LUCKY LOUIE
DOESN'T HAVE RAZOR
WIRE AROUND HIS YARD.
FINALLY, ONE OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS,
HE GETS ALL COURAGEOUS,
AND GOES SAUNTERING
UP TO THE DOOR.
HE GOES, "TRICK OR TREAT!"
LOUIE FINALLY THROWS
THE DOOR OPEN AND SAYS,
"DID YOU GET A
REESE'S CUP TONIGHT?"
THE KID LOOKS IN HIS BAG
AND SAYS, "YES, SIR, I DID."
SO LOUIE GRABS IT, SAYS
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH,"
AND SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.
I'M SORRY I NEVER MET HIM.
HE WAS COLORFUL.
I NEVER TRICK-OR-TREATED AGAIN.
SO ONE DAY I'M AT THE
POST OFFICE, I'M IN LINE,
WHEN LOUIE JUST
ABOUT KNOCKS ME OVER.
AND HE CUTS IN LINE. I
SAID, "LOUIE, THERE'S A LINE!"
SO HE SAYS, "KISS MY BUTT."
I SAID, "YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS."
HE SAYS, "PLEASE KISS MY BUTT,"
AND DROPS HIS PANTS.
I GOT ONE. I GOT ONE.
LOUIE WAS PARKED OUTSIDE
AL'S PANCAKE WORLD,
AND I WAS TRYING TO PULL
IN THE SPACE BEHIND HIM.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE
STARTS TO BACK UP.
I HONKED MY HORN AND HE...
AH, BASHED MY THUMB.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.
I'M SO TIRED OF THIS
RIDICULOUS MACHINE.
I GET IT EVERY TIME...
OH, THAT WAS CLOSE.
RORY ARE ALWAYS OUT.
WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?
IS YOUR HOUSE THAT
AWFUL YOU CAN'T BE IN IT?
IT'S TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT.
MOM, WHAT ISN'T IN
EMILY'S RULES OF CONDUCT?
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK TO A MACHINE.
I'LL JUST CALL YOU LATER.
IF YOU HAD YOUR WAY, MOTHER
YOU'D LOCK US UP LIKE VEAL.
THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANT VEAL CHILDREN.
HEY, WE'RE NOT IN, SO...
AH, BASHED MY THUMB.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.
IT'S ME AGAIN...
YOU ARE TALKING TO A MACHINE.
DON'T FORGET THAT MY
D.A.R. MEETING'S ON TUESDAY
IT'S BURNED INTO MY
BRAIN. IT'S THERE FOREVER.
AND THE WOMEN ARE
ALL EXTREMELY PUNCTUAL.
WHEN I'M SENILE AND GAGA
AND DROOLING INTO A CUP,
AND I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME,
I'LL STILL REMEMBER THAT YOUR
D.A.R. MEETING IS THAT TUESDAY.
I'LL TALK TO YOU ABOUT
SOME OTHER THINGS LATER.
I'D HAVE TO BE DEPROGRAMMED
BY CULT DEPROGRAMMERS
TO GET THAT TUESDAY
OUT OF MY BRAIN.
HEY, WE'RE NOT IN, SO...
AH, BASHED MY THUMB.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.
YOUR PHONE
MESSAGE IS ANNOYING...
UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING IT IS?
I THINK I HAVE A STANDARD
AGAINST WHICH TO MEASURE IT.
YOU HEARD IT LATELY?
CAN'T BECAUSE I'M
AMPUTATING MY EARS.
DON'T SAY YOUR NAME.
THAT THUMB BASHING
THING, IS THAT A JOKE?
WHY IS THAT YOUR
JOKES ARE ALWAYS...
AN EARLESS WORLD, WHAT A DREAM.
♪
♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪
♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪
♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪
♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪
♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪
♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪
♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪
♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪
HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY
TASTED THAT ONE, MOM?
TWICE. YOU'VE TASTED
THAT SOUP TWICE.
YOU KEEPING A RUNNING COUNT?
I'M MORBIDLY FASCINATED.
WELL, LORELAI, WHEN
YOU'RE TASTING ANYTHING,
THE FIRST TASTE
ACCLIMATES THE PALATE,
THE 2ND ESTABLISHES
A FOUNDATION,
THE 3RD IS TO MAKE
YOUR DECISION.
OH, THERE'S GONNA
BE A 3RD TASTE.
ISN'T THAT WHAT THIS IS
FOR, TO TASTE THE SOUP?
TASTE THEM, YES. NOT TO ORALLY
DEDUCE THEIR CHEMICAL STRUCTURES.
EVERYTHING HAS
TO BE AT YOUR PACE.
A PACE THAT CAN'T BE MEASURED
BY THE NUMBER OF TIMES
THE EARTH CIRCLES THE SUN.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
I'VE HEARD THAT.
WHAT?
ONE IS TO ACCLIMATE, 2 IS FOR
FOUNDATION, AND 3 IS TO JUDGE.
TRAITOR.
THE WOMEN IN MY D.A.R.
GROUP ARE VERY PICKY.
MY GOD, WHEN THE
PATE AT THE MEETING
HEDDY COVINGTON ORGANIZED
WAS LESS CHILLED
THAN APPROPRIATE,
SHE WAS OSTRACIZED FOR A MONTH.
THAT HUSSY HEDDY HAD IT COMING.
LORELAI.
THEY'RE ON TIME FOR ONCE. GOOD.
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR
AND TELL MICHEL THAT...
LORELAI, PLEASE.
THANKS.
UM, MOM, I... I GOT A LOT OF
OTHER THINGS HAPPENING HERE.
THEY CAN'T COME TO A
GRINDING HALT FOR THIS.
SO YOUR FULL ATTENTION FOR A
SHORT PERIOD IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
I'M ALREADY GIVING
YOU MORE ATTENTION
THAN I WOULD SOMEONE
IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.
NO ONE ELSE WOULD GET 8
SEPARATE SOUPS TO TASTE
FOR A LOUSY D.A.R... SORRY.
A NOT-LOUSY D.A.R. MEETING.
WE ONLY DO THIS FOR WEDDINGS.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO
PAY FOR THE TASTING?
NO, MOM, JUST DECIDE
IN THIS CALENDAR YEAR.
HEY, CAN I... I'M SORRY.
THE MUSHROOM IS A GREAT
CHOICE. IT'S SUPER-POPULAR
AND IT'S MY JACKSON'S FAVORITE.
WHOSE?
JACKSON, MY FIANCE.
OH, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
TO THE BEST MAN IN THE WORLD.
HEY, WHILE WE'RE ON THE
SUBJECT, BRIDESMAIDS' OUTFITS.
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
I'VE ALREADY GOT
A COUPLE OF IDEAS.
IS ONE OF THEM HAVING
ME DESIGN AND MAKE THEM
SO I DON'T SECRETLY
HATE WHAT YOU PICK
AND HARBOR A SECRET GRUDGE
AGAINST YOU FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?
IT IS NOW. I'LL DO IT.
WE'RE A GOOD TEAM.
THAT FELLOW'S ON THE
PHONE FROM THE RESTAURANT.
WHO?
THE FLANNEL MAN WITH
PROTRUDING ANKLES.
OH, LUKE.
I FORGOT HIS NAME
FROM THE DESK TO HERE.
THAT'S HOW MEMORABLE HE IS.
OK, THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO TALK TO LUKE.
CAN'T YOU CALL HIM BACK?
HAVE YOUR 3RD TASTE, MOM.
LORELAI!
IS SHE ALWAYS THIS SCATTERED?
SHE'S THE STABLEST
PERSON I KNOW.
THAT'S VERY SAD.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT. MUSHROOM.
GREAT.
SO, TELL ME MORE
ABOUT YOUR WEDDING.
OH, I'VE JUST STARTED PLANNING,
SO THERE'S NOT THAT MUCH TO TELL.
HAVE YOU DECIDED
ON ANYTHING YET?
LIKE THE LOCATION, OR THE
MUSIC FOR THE CEREMONY, MAYBE?
OH, WE'LL PROBABLY JUST WIND
UP PLAYING SOMETHING OFF A C.D.
OH.
WHAT?
WELL, C.D.'S CAN
BE VERY UNRELIABLE.
THEY BREAK
SOMETIMES OR THEY SKIP
OR THE PERSON ASSIGNED TO TURN
THEM ON AND OFF GETS DISTRACTED
AND THE WHOLE
CEREMONY IS RUINED.
I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT LIVE MUSIC?
WELL?
A NICE STRING ENSEMBLE.
THAT SOUNDS NICE.
THERE ARE A COUPLE OF WONDERFUL
GROUPS I COULD RECOMMEND.
SURE. I GUESS, IT DOESN'T
HURT TO CHECK THEM OUT.
NO, IT DOESN'T.
MUSHROOM SOUP.
STRING QUARTET.
LUKE?
YEAH. HI. HELLO.
HOW'S IT GOING?
PRETTY GOOD. PRETTY GOOD.
HOW... HOW'S THINGS WITH YOU?
NOT BAD. DROPPED SOME EGGS.
HAZARD OF THE BUSINESS.
AM I CATCHING YOU AT A BAD TIME?
NO, IT'S KIND OF SLOW HERE.
SO SLOW THAT MICHEL AND I WERE
ABOUT TO GET THE TETHERBALL OUT.
THAT'S THE THING WITH THE
BALL TETHERED TO A ROPE?
HEY, I NEVER KNEW THAT'S
WHERE THE TETHER COMES FROM.
YEAH, IT'S TETHERED.
IT'S TIED LIKE AN ANCHOR,
IS TETHERED TO A ROPE ON A BOAT.
NEAT. NEAT.
MOST PEOPLE DON'T
PUT THAT TOGETHER.
PROBABLY NOT.
SO ANYTHING ELSE?
UH, YEAH, ACTUALLY.
IF I NEEDED A ROOM OR 2 FOR A
COUPLE OF DAYS, WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE?
YOU NEED ROOMS?
LIKE, 9.
YOU NEED 9 ROOMS?
JUST FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY.
WELL, I CAN TAKE CARE
OF THAT. WHAT'S IT FOR?
UH, I JUST GOT SOME
FAMILY COMING IN.
REUNION? 'CAUSE WE CAN
GET THE TETHERBALL OUT.
NO, FUNERAL.
WHAT?
YEAH, MY UNCLE
LOUIE DIED LAST NIGHT,
AND I'M ARRANGING
THE FUNERAL FOR HIM.
OH, LUKE, I'M SO SORRY.
HERE I WAS BABBLING
ABOUT TETHERBALL.
YOU WEREN'T BABBLING.
YOU'VE GOT 9 ROOMS.
WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY.
YOU SURE? IT'S A DONE DEAL.
THANKS.
LUKE, I'M SO, SO SORRY.
IT'S OK. IT SOUNDS
LIKE HE WENT PEACEFUL.
HE WAS 85.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS HARD. YOU OK?
YEAH, I'M OK.
CAN I HELP YOU
WITH ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THE ROOMS ARE HELP ENOUGH.
ARE YOU SURE? 'CAUSE, I'M
DEALING WITH MY MOM NOW,
AND I'D BE HAPPY TO RUSH
OVER AND HELP WITH WHATEVER.
YOU'D BE DOING ME A FAVOR.
THE ROOMS ARE
ALL I NEED. THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WELL, I GOT TO GO.
CALL IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
I WILL.
BY THE WAY, THAT
FRENCH GUY IS A PUTZ.
OH, YEAH. HE KNOWS.
ALL RIGHT. SEE YA.
BYE.
IT'S SO SAD.
I KNOW.
WAS LUKE SHAKEN
OVER HIS UNCLE DYING?
I DON'T KNOW. HE'S
SO UNFLAPPABLE.
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
THE MAN DEFINITELY
CAN'T BE FLAPPED.
♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOT
PLANNING ON GOING SOLO ♪
♪ WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ♪
♪ TAKE ME DANCING TONIGHT ♪
CAN I GET ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE?
IN A MINUTE.
IS THAT MY FOOD?
MORE COFFEE HERE,
TOO. IN A MINUTE.
IS THAT MY FOOD?
MORE COFFEE FOR
ME, TOO. SHUT UP, KIRK.
IS THAT MY FOOD?
YES, THAT'S YOUR FOOD.
WELL, CAN I HAVE IT?
I'M DOING ALL I CAN HERE, FOLKS.
I ASKED NICELY.
WATCH THE CORD. TRY DUCKING.
YOU SHOULD UPDATE TO A CORDLESS.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THANKS. I'M ON THE PHONE.
WE NOTICED.
I CAN'T SERVE AND
BE ON THE PHONE.
WE NOTICED THAT, TOO.
YOUR REENACTMENT OF JERRY LEWIS
IN THE DINER GUY
WILL WOW THE CRITICS.
WHERE DO THE POACHED EGGS GO?
CRANK IN THE HAT.
I'M NOT A CRANK.
YOU ARE A CRANK.
HE IS A CRANK.
AND THE FRENCH TOAST?
THE LADY WITH THE GIANT PURSE.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
HEY, FALL BACK, COWBOY.
WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
COME HERE. JUST STAY ON
THE PHONE AND GIVE ME THESE.
WHERE DO THEY GO?
TABLE BY THE WINDOW.
DON'T YOU NUMBER YOUR TABLES?
YOU SHOULD NUMBER YOUR TABLES.
WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO?
IF I SAID A NUMBER, YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW WHAT TABLE'S WHAT NUMBER.
BUT ALL RESTAURANTS
NUMBER THEIR TABLES.
TABLE 5. THEY GO TO TABLE 5.
COOL. WHICH ONE IS THAT?
THE TABLE BY THE WINDOW.
BY THE WINDOW,
WILMA. GOT IT, GERTIE.
LUKE, HOW ABOUT THAT COFFEE?
I GOT IT.
THANKS.
BUT MINE'S A QUARTER CAF.
THREE-FOURTHS DECAF,
ONE-FOURTH CAFFEINATED.
AND FOUR-FOURTHS DON'T CARE.
FILL IT UP.
SORRY ABOUT THIS. IT'S OK.
I FORGET THE WORLD'S
FULL OF PEOPLE
WHO MICROMANAGE
THEIR LIVES TO THE POINT
WHERE THEY CAN'T
WAIT AN EXTRA SECOND.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF COFFEE.
I'LL MAKE SOME MORE.
NO, I GOT IT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW? DO I?
I'M CATHY COFFEE, MISTER
THE BASTARD OFFSPRING OF
MRS. FOLGER AND JUAN VALDEZ.
HEY, LUKE, WHERE'S JESS?
I DON'T KNOW.
SCHOOL?
PLEASE. PROBABLY UPSTAIRS.
REALLY? EXCUSE ME.
IT'S TOO STRONG. IT'S NOT.
IT'S TOO STRONG.
YOU'RE ON THE PHONE.
NOT EVERYONE LIKES IT STRONG.
WELL, THEN I SHALL CONVERT THEM.
I'M THE JEHOVAH'S COFFEE GIRL.
JESS, OPEN UP. I
KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.
MY, AREN'T WE BRIGHT-EYED
AND BUSHY-TAILED.
LUKE NEEDS YOU DOWNSTAIRS.
WHY?
BECAUSE. HE'S ON THE PHONE
WITH SOMEONE, CAESAR'S OFF TODAY,
THE PLACE IS PACKED.
HE NEEDS HELP.
I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.
NO. NOW.
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.
JUST ASSUME THAT
JEANIE'S GONNA GET
MAJOR HEALEY OUT OF
WHATEVER SCRAPE HE'S IN.
GEE, THANKS FOR
SPOILING IT FOR ME.
I NEED SOME MORE EQUAL.
THERE'S ONE RIGHT THERE.
I NEED 7.
7! YOU'RE NOT
SQUIRRELING THESE AWAY
IN YOUR POCKET FOR
HOME USE, ARE YOU, KIRK?
NO, I USE 7 IN MY COFFEE.
OK. GOOD. THEN ALLOW ME.
THERE YOU GO.
GO AHEAD AND GIVE THAT A TASTE.
SEE IF IT'S TO YOUR LIKING.
OK.
PERFECTION.
GOOD.
YOU'RE VERY GRACEFUL.
SHE PUSHED ME.
SUE ME.
I COULD'VE BROKEN MY NECK.
AS LONG AS IT'S NOT YOUR
ARM. WE NEED YOUR ARM.
DESPOT.
IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO GET PAST
THIS PLACE'S STUPID BUSY SIGNAL,
THEN THEY PUT ME
ON HOLD FOREVER.
WHO'S KEEPING YOU ON HOLD?
THAT MORTUARY IN FLORIDA
WHERE MY UNCLE'S AT.
FLORIDA? I THOUGHT
HE WAS IN THE AREA.
NO, HE SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE
HERE BUT RETIRED TO ORLANDO.
SO I GOT TO SHIP
THE BODY BACK HERE.
OH, HE WANTED TO BE
BURIED IN STARS HOLLOW?
NO. MY DAD WANTED MY UNCLE BURIED
IN STARS HOLLOW RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.
THAT'S NICE.
THEY WERE CLOSE,
AND LOUIE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY WIFE OR KIDS TO
LOOK OUT FOR THINGS.
BEFORE MY DAD DIED, HE
ASKED ME IF I'D LOOK OUT FOR HIM.
GOOD LOUIE.
YEAH, HE JUST WANTED ME TO MAKE
SURE HE GOT A PROPER FUNERAL.
YOU KNOW, RESPECTFUL, DIGNIFIED.
NO HORSESHOE
CARNATION WREATHS. GOT IT.
GOOD MAN, THAT DAD OF YOURS.
AND SINCE LOUIE'S A WAR VETERAN,
THE TOWN REVOLUTIONARY WAR
RE-ENACTORS WILL ATTEND THE SERVICE,
DO THE SALUTE THING, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS,
BUT MY DAD WANTED IT.
YEAH. HI. I'M STILL HERE.
YES, THE DECEASED
IS LOUIE DANES. RIGHT.
NO, HARTFORD'S NOT
TOO FAR. I CAN DO THAT.
THANKS.
GREAT. THAT'S DONE.
OK. I SHOULD PROBABLY GO PICK
OUT A COFFIN BEFORE HE GETS HERE.
GREAT. GO.
I HAVE TO CLOSE UP.
NO, YOU DON'T. YOU'RE COVERED.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
WE DON'T MIND. GO.
IT WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO NUMBER THE TABLES.
BE MY GUEST.
ALSO, ARE THEY ARRANGED LIKE
THIS FOR ANY PARTICULAR REASON?
DON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
IT'S TOTALLY NOT FENG SHUI.
GERTIE. GO.
EXCUSE ME, TAYLOR,
WHERE ARE YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS?
MY SUPPLIER WAS OUT OF
THEM THIS WEEK, MRS. CASSINI.
MAYBE NEXT WEEK.
I WANTED TO MAKE THEM TONIGHT.
SORRY.
OK. I'LL JUST TRY
ACROSS THE STREET.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ACROSS THE STREET?
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S A FARMER'S MARKET.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
IT JUST OPENED THIS
MORNING, AND I SEE SPROUTS.
WHO'S THE PROPRIETOR HERE?
THAT WOULD BE ME.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
WAIT A MINUTE. I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE THAT LONG-HAIRED FREAK
THAT WANTED TO BE TOWN TROUBADOUR
EVEN THOUGH THAT WEIRD
BROWN-CORDUROYED-JACKET-WEARING FREAK
WAS ALREADY IT.
THAT'S RIGHT. GOOD
MEMORY. HOW ARE YOU?
LET GO OF ME.
DON'T LIKE TO BE
TOUCHED. THAT'S COOL.
GOT A DAVID AND
LISA THING HAPPENIN'.
MADE A MENTAL NOTE. NO PROBLEM.
CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHIN'?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT INSPIRED
YOU TO OPEN A PRODUCE STAND
RIGHT ACROSS THE
STREET FROM MY MARKET?
IS THAT YOUR MARKET?
YES, THAT'S MY MARKET.
IT'S REAL NICE. HOMEY.
BOUGHT A BOX OF TISSUES THERE.
GOOD STUFF. GOOD STUFF.
EXCUSE ME.
YOUR PARSLEY, IS IT PRICED
PER BUNCH OR PER POUND?
PER POUND, BEAUTIFUL.
WOW, GOOD DEAL.
PATTY.
HI, TAYLOR. HOW ARE YOU?
YOU MEAN NOT COUNTING
THE KNIFE STICKING IN MY BACK?
SURE, HONEY, WHATEVER.
THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT.
IT'S APPROVED BY THE
PROPER AUTHORITIES.
I FOLLOWED THE RULES.
IT'S WHAT MY FATHER
TAUGHT ME. COP FOR 20 YEARS,
GOT SHOT IN THE BUTT. GOOD MAN.
TIPS OVER SOMETIMES
WHEN HE SITS, BUT GOOD MAN.
BEAUTIFUL SPROUTS.
FOR A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
THANK YOU.
OH, I FEEL SICK.
THAT'LL BE $4. SEE
YOU, MR. DOOSE.
I WANT TO LIE DOWN.
LORELAI, GOOD.
TELL ME ABOUT THE 9
ROOMS SET ASIDE HERE.
THERE'S NO NAME
ANYWHERE THAT I CAN SEE,
AND NO CREDIT CARD
TO HOLD THEM. MISTAKE?
NO, IT'S FOR LUKE.
FOR WHOM?
LUKE FROM LUKE'S DINER.
9 ROOMS FOR LUKE
FROM LUKE'S DINER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
FRENCH FRY CONVENTION?
NO, JUST PERSONAL.
MILKSHAKE SYMPOSIUM?
NO, IT'S SOMETHING PERSONAL.
I'M VOUCHING FOR HIM.
SODA POP SEMINAR?
STOP.
PICKLE PARTY?
HE'S GOT 9 ROOMS. NOW STIFLE.
OH, MOM, HI THERE.
LORELAI, HELLO.
I'M SORRY. DID WE GET
OUR SIGNALS CROSSED?
I DON'T REMEMBER MAKING
AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOU.
WE HAVE TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS
TO SEE EACH OTHER?
NO. BUT... GOOD ONE.
I'M NOT HERE TO SEE YOU.
OH, THIS ISN'T ABOUT
THE D.A.R. MEETING?
NO, THAT'S ALL READY TO GO.
I'M HERE TO MEET WITH SOOKIE.
SOOKIE?
I'M A LITTLE LATE. TRAFFIC WAS
AWFUL. EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU?
OH, MY GOD.
AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?
GORGEOUS. WHAT ARE THEY FOR?
MY WEDDING. YOUR WEDDING?
EMILY, HI!
IS THIS EVERYTHING
I SAID IT WAS?
AND MORE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
THEY'RE FOR YOUR WEDDING?
OH, IT'S THIS COMPANY'S
SAMPLE PLACE SETTING.
EMILY SET ME UP WITH THEM.
THEY DID CELINE DION'S WEDDING,
AND STEVEN
SPIELBERG'S DAUGHTER'S,
JACK RUSSELL
TERRIER'S "BARK" MITZVAH.
YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON.
I COULDN'T MAKE THAT UP.
EXCUSE ME. THIS ONE'S SLIGHTLY
ASYMMETRICAL. FIX, PLEASE.
UM, WHAT IS WITH THE
FANCY PLACE SETTINGS?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA KEEP IT SIMPLE.
IT IS SIMPLE. IT LIGHTS UP.
JUST FLIP A SWITCH. SIMPLE.
TELL ME HOW MY MOTHER
GET SO INVOLVED IN ALL THIS?
SHE'S NOT THAT INVOLVED.
SHE JUST MENTIONED THE
OTHER DAY WHEN SHE WAS HERE
THAT SHE KNEW SOME PEOPLE THAT
COULD MAKE SAMPLES OF STUFF FOR US,
LIKE TABLE SETTINGS,
FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS.
WE WERE GONNA DO
THE FLOWERS OURSELVES.
I KNOW. BUT WHAT A
HASSLE THAT WOULD BE.
IT'S TO SAVE MONEY.
FLOWERS COST A FORTUNE.
YEAH, BUT THE SAMPLING OF
WHAT THEY'RE DOING TODAY IS FREE.
I'M NOT COMMITTED
TO ANY OF THIS.
I HOPE NOT.
IT'S TRUE. I SAY NO,
IT ALL GOES AWAY.
NOT A PENNY IS SPENT.
OK.
AND IT'S FUN.
I DON'T WANT TO
TAKE AWAY YOUR FUN.
I JUST WANT YOU TO BE CAREFUL.
SEE, YOU'VE
ENTERED "EMILY-LAND."
EMILY LAND?
IT'S AN UPSIDE-DOWN WORLD WHERE
THE HORCHOW HOUSE IS LOW-RENT,
AND DIAMONDS LESS THAN 24
CARATS ARE CRACKER JACK TRINKETS,
AND BENTLEYS ARE FOR LOSERS
WHO CAN'T AFFORD A ROLLS.
BUT I'M OK. REALLY.
ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE TO HELP LUKE WITH THE
LUNCH RUSH TODAY, SO I GOTTA GO.
GO. WE'RE FINE.
OK. BYE, MOM.
IS THAT A FINGERPRINT?
MY GOD! THAT'S A FINGERPRINT!
WHO TOUCHED THIS?
LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS.
TURNIPS, BUTTERNUT...
TURNIPS. TURNIPS.
WHAT? WHAT ABOUT TURNIPS?
WHY DID YOU SAY "TURNIPS?"
BECAUSE YOU SAID "TURNIPS."
NO, I DIDN'T. I THINK YOU DID.
NO, BUT I'VE GOT
TURNIPS. GOOD ONES, TOO.
THEY'RE NOT AS BIG AS THAT
CRINITE FREAK'S TURNIPS,
BUT WHO NEEDS BLOATED TURNIPS?
MINE ARE UNASSUMING.
I HAVE NICE, HUMBLE TURNIPS.
OKEY-DOKEY.
TAYLOR'S WIGGING.
I KNOW. HE'S BEEN SITTING THERE
LIKE THE FINAL DAYS OF DICK
NIXON FOR ALMOST AN HOUR.
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
HELLO, THERE. HOW'S IT GOING?
VERY GOOD, YOUNG LADY.
YOU STILL SERVING BREAKFAST?
WE SERVE IT ALL DAY.
WHAT'LL YOU HAVE?
2 EGGS UP ON TOAST.
UP, HUH?
YEAH.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
HAVE SCRAMBLED?
NOPE, UP'S HOW I LIKE 'EM.
GOD, SCRAMBLED'S
BETTER. GIVE IT A SHOT.
SAY YOU WANT 2 SCRAMBLED
EGGS ON TOAST, PLEASE.
OK, YOUNG LADY. 2
SCRAMBLED EGGS ON TOAST.
ADAM AND EVE ON A
RAFT AND WRECK 'EM.
THAT'S REAL LIVE DINER TALK.
THE "WRECK 'EM" IS
THE SCRAMBLED PART.
I DEDUCED THAT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
THAT'S BABETTE WITH AN
ARMLOAD OF RUTABAGA.
AND THERE'S MISS PATTY AGAIN.
SINCE WHEN DOES SHE
EAT SO MUCH FRUIT?
HI, KIRK.
HELLO. WHERE'S LUKE?
OH, HE'S BUSY WITH SOME STUFF
SO RORY AND I ARE HELPING OUT.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
I DON'T KNOW. I WANT LUNCH,
BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO GET.
I HAVE A SUGGESTION:
HOW ABOUT A HAMBURGER WITH
SOME STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM
WITH CHOCOLATE
SAUCE FOR DESSERT?
SOUNDS GOOD.
YO, BURN ONE, THEN PASS ME A PINK
STICK AND THROW SOME MUD ON IT!
GOD, I LOVE THIS BUSINESS.
BOY, IT'S FREEZING OUT THERE.
YES, IT'S QUITE A COLD SNAP.
HOW ABOUT A HOT
BLONDE WITH SAND?
COFFEE WITH CREAM AND
SUGAR WOULD BE GREAT. THANKS.
MAKE SURE ITS
FOOT'S OUT THE DOOR.
PUT IT IN A CUP TO GO. GOT IT.
THIS ICY WEATHER HASN'T
KEPT CUSTOMERS AWAY, THOUGH.
THEY JUST KEEP COMIN'.
A LOT OF VEGETABLE SOUP
BEING EATEN TONIGHT, YESSIREE.
I HOPE I DON'T PUT THE GOOD PEOPLE
AT CAMPBELL'S OUT OF BUSINESS.
OH, HEY, TAYLOR. DIDN'T
NOTICE YOU THERE.
HELLO.
TAKING A LITTLE BREAK?
I DON'T SEE HOW IF YOU'RE
ANYWHERE NEAR AS BUSY AS I AM.
KEEP WAITING FOR A
LULL, NEVER GET ONE.
I SAY TO THE PEOPLE,
"HEY, I'LL BE BACK IN A JIFF."
LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE
LINING UP THERE ALREADY.
WELL, F.Y.I., VAN HALEN
HAIR, I'M PLENTY BUSY.
BUT A GOOD,
WELL-GROOMED BUSINESSMAN
WITH PROPERLY PREPARED STAFF
CAN TAKE A BREAK NOW AND THEN.
PROBABLY HELPED THAT YOUR
STORE WAS COMPLETELY DEAD, TOO.
IT WAS NOT DEAD.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
CLOSED WHEN I WALKED BY.
THEN I SAW GABBY AT THE CASH
REGISTER READING A TABLOID...
SHUT UP, KIRK.
TAPPING ON THE COUNTER WITH ONE
OF THOSE ASTROLOGICAL SCROLLS.
ENOUGH.
HERE YOU GO. GRACIAS.
OH, BOY, IT'S A MOB SCENE.
LUKE, IT'S ME.
HEY, BROUGHT YOU A WIMPY
WITH A ROSE PINNED ON IT.
A WHAT?
A TURKEY BURGER WITH ONIONS.
OH, THANKS. COME ON.
HOW'S THE MONEY PIT COMING?
OH, JUST... THAT'S IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WELL,
NONE OF THEM ARE
COMING, NOT ONE.
WHO?
MY RELATIVES, THE ONES I
BOOKED ALL THE ROOMS FOR.
NOT ONE IS COMING
TO LOUIE'S FUNERAL.
YOU'RE KIDDING. WHY?
I DON'T KNOW. WHICH LAME-O
EXCUSE DO YOU WANT TO HEAR FIRST?
A BUNCH CLAIM THEY
CAN'T GET OUT OF WORK.
THAT'S NOT SO LAME-O.
RANDY AND BARBARA DON'T WANT
TO MISS THEIR KID'S RUGBY SEMIFINAL.
RUGBY HAS SEMIFINALS?
MY SISTER NEVER
EVEN CALLED BACK.
MY COUSINS, PAUL AND JIM, THAT MY
DAD HELPED PUT THROUGH COLLEGE,
SAID THEY WERE TOO
EXHAUSTED FROM A FISHING TRIP.
AND SLIGHTLY DISTURBED
COUSIN FRANNIE SAID
SHE CAN'T LEAVE
BECAUSE HER PETEY'S SICK.
SON? PARROT.
PETEY, THE PARROT?
I SAW THE STUPID
THING ONCE ON A VISIT.
FLAPPING ITS WINGS LIKE
CRAZY, BANGING AROUND,
SQUAWKING THE ONLY 2
WORDS IT KNOWS OVER AND OVER:
"PETEY" AND "GORGEOUS."
GORGEOUS. PETEY.
GORGEOUS. PETEY.
THAT'S DISTURBING.
MY FAMILY'S DISTURBING.
I'M SO SORRY.
THIS IS WRONG. THIS
IS NOT HOW IT'S DONE.
A FAMILY MEMBER DIES, YOU
PAY YOUR RESPECTS, PERIOD.
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY. THEY DON'T WANT
TO BE THERE, YOU DON'T WANT THEM THERE.
MY DAD WANTED THEM TO BE THERE.
I KNOW.
BUT HEY, LOUIE LIVED IN
STARS HOLLOW MOST OF HIS LIFE.
SO PEOPLE FROM HERE
WILL BE THERE, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
I KNOW IT'S UPSETTING, BUT
MAYBE IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.
YEAH, I GUESS. I
REALLY HATE THAT BIRD.
HEY, MOM.
WHAT'S UP, HONEY? YOU GOT A
HERD OF BULLS SHOPPING FOR CHINA?
WHAT? CUSTOMERS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU OWNED A DINER?
SORRY. JACKSON'S OUTSIDE. HE WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU. SAYS IT'S IMPORTANT.
ABOUT WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW. HE SEEMS UPSET.
ALL RIGHT. YOU OK?
YEAH. THANKS.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO STUDY
UP ON THAT DINER TALK.
I'LL DO THAT TONIGHT.
HEY, LUKE, WHERE'S JESS?
PROBABLY OUT PLAYING
BASKETBALL OR SOMETHING.
THAT LITTLE PUNK.
OH, HEY, CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YES. BACON, LETTUCE, AND
TOMATO SANDWICH, NO MAYO.
YO, I NEED A PIGGY-PIGGY
WITH A GREEN BED...
GREEN BLANKET.
B.L.T., NO MAYO. RATS.
JACKSON?
I'M A MISERABLE MAN.
WHAT'S UP?
REMEMBER THAT SWEET,
SIMPLE, AFFORDABLE,
LITTLE WEDDING
SOOKIE AND I AGREED ON
WITH MINIMAL DISAGREEMENT,
NO DISAGREEMENT, IN FACT,
PERHAPS THE FIRST TIME IN THE
HISTORY OF WEDDING PLANNING
THAT A COUPLE AGREED 100
PERCENT ON EVERYTHING?
YES.
GONE. ANCIENT HISTORY.
IT'S THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA,
THE COLOSSUS OF RHODES.
IT'S POP ROCKS. IT'S OVER.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
MY MOTHER? LOOK.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
THEY'RE MEASURING THE TOWN.
THEY'RE WHAT?
THEY'RE MEASURING THE ENTIRE
TOWN WITH TAPE MEASURES.
OH, MY GOD.
YOUR MOTHER GOT
HERS AT NEIMAN MARCUS.
IT'S PLATINUM WITH GOLD LEAF.
IT COSTS MORE THAN MY CAR.
I'M SO SORRY.
LOOK, I... I LOVE SOOKIE,
AND I WANT HER TO HAVE
WHAT SHE WANTS. BUT...
YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW?
YEAH.
ACCORDING TO THEIR DIAGRAMS,
THAT'S WHERE THE
16-PIECE ORCHESTRA GOES.
HOW ARE THEY GONNA FIT A
16-PIECE ORCHESTRA IN THE GAZEBO?
OH, THEY WANT TO
MOVE THE GAZEBO.
WHAT?
A GAZEBO THAT'S BEEN THERE FOR
100 YEARS, AND THEY WANT TO MOVE IT.
WHO MOVES A GAZEBO?
WHAT KIND OF TWISTED MIND EVEN
THINKS ABOUT MOVING A GAZEBO?
OK. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
SHE'S SO EXCITED.
SHE'S BRAINWASHED.
SHE'S PATRICIA HEARST,
AND MY MOTHER IS THE S.L.A.
I JUST HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
I HOPE SO, TOO.
WATCH THE SHIRT.
CORK IT.
IT SEEMS THE RIGHT
THING TO DO, TAYLOR.
I CONCUR.
WHEN ONE GAZES AT STARS HOLLOW,
ONE CAN EASILY OVERLOOK A
VITAL COMPONENT OF ITS BEAUTY,
AND THAT'S THE HUMBLE,
YET SPUNKY TWINKLE LIGHT.
HOLY COW.
IT DOESN'T GET FRUITIER.
HARRY'S HOUSE OF TWINKLE LIGHTS
HAS BEEN AN INTEGRAL PART
OF THIS TOWN FOR 20 YEARS,
SO IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT
WE HONOR HIS RETIREMENT.
SO I HEREBY DESIGNATE
NEXT TUESDAY,
"HARRY, THE TWINKLE LIGHT MAN
FROM HARRY'S HOUSE
OF TWINKLE LIGHTS" DAY.
THAT JUST TRIPS OFF THE TONGUE.
LATE AGAIN, ARE WE?
YES. I HOPE I'M NOT PREGNANT.
WHAT?
ARE THESE SEATS TAKEN?
DON'T DRAG ME IN THIS.
YOU HAVE TO WORK ON
YOUR PUNCTUALITY, LORELAI.
I BANGED THE MEETING
IN A HALF AN HOUR AGO.
DIRTY.
I'M GONNA TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THIS UNEXPECTED
PAUSE IN OUR PROCEEDINGS
TO CONFER WITH MISS PATTY
ABOUT THE NEXT ITEM ON OUR AGENDA.
WHAT DID WE MISS?
HARRY'S RETIRING.
THE TWINKLE LIGHTS MAN?
WHAT DO WE DO
FOR TWINKLE LIGHTS?
GO TO ANY DISCOUNT
STORE. BLASPHEMY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ANYHOW?
THIS IS A TOWN
MEETING FOR PEOPLE
WHO PARTICIPATE IN AND
CARE ABOUT THE TOWN.
CORKY'S COUNTRY CAVALCADE ON
PUBLIC ACCESS WAS PRE-EMPTED.
SO I THOUGHT I'D CHECK
OUT THE NEXT BEST THING.
I'M SURPRISED YOU
HAVE TIME TO BE HERE.
I DON'T, BUT I HAVEN'T
BEEN ABLE TO GET
ANY OF THE WAR
RE-ENACTORS ON THE PHONE,
AND I HAVE TO CONFIRM
THEM FOR LOUIE'S FUNERAL.
ALL RIGHT, NOW. THE
LAST ORDER OF BUSINESS
IS A MATTER RELATING
PERSONALLY TO ME.
THEREFORE, I'M GOING TO
GIVE MISS PATTY MY GAVEL.
AGAIN. DIRTY.
STOP THAT.
NOW, DON'T GO POWER MAD.
OH, ALL RIGHT. GEE.
NOW, THE CHAIR
RECOGNIZES TAYLOR DOOSE.
TAYLOR, YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.
THANK YOU, PATTY.
MY ISSUE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IS IN THE FORM OF A GRIEVANCE
AGAINST THIS HIRSUTE HIPPIE
WHO OPENED A PRODUCE
STAND IN THE PARK.
OH, YEAH. KILLER VEGGIES.
TASTY.
HIS SQUASH IS BEAUTIFUL.
SEXY. IT'S SEXY SQUASH.
SEXY OR NOT,
I DEMAND THAT THIS MAN
PRODUCE HIS PERMIT POSTHASTE.
GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
MMM-HMM, JUST WHAT I THOUGHT.
THIS IS NOT THE PROPER PERMIT
FOR THIS KIND OF BUSINESS.
THIS IS A TYPE 24B.
OTHERWISE KNOWN
AS A CART, KIOSK,
CART/KIOSK PERMIT.
THIS IS NOT VALID
FOR YOUR BUSINESS.
WHY DOES IT SAY IT TWICE?
HUH?
YOU SAID, "CART,
KIOSK, CART, KIOSK."
IT'S REPETITIVE. AND REDUNDANT.
IT'S REPETITIVE. AND REDUNDANT.
WE CERTAINLY ARE
ENTERTAINING, MAC.
INDUBITABLY, TOSH.
IT'S NOT REDUNDANT.
IT'S 3 SEPARATE THINGS.
IT'S A CART, A KIOSK,
AND A MECHANICAL HYBRID
REFERRED TO AS A CART/KIOSK.
HENCE, CART, KIOSK, CART/KIOSK.
HE DID IT AGAIN.
HE'S BEEN STRESSED LATELY.
HIS STORE IS DESERTED.
I'LL MAKE IT SIMPLE:
THIS IS FOR BUSINESSES
THAT ROLL IN IN THE MORNING
AND ROLL OUT AT NIGHT.
EMPHASIS ON THE WORLD "ROLL."
ROLLING BUSINESSES.
BUSINESSES THAT ROLL.
BUT I CARRY MY
TABLES OUT AT NIGHT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
ROLL THEM, RAPUNZEL,
AND CARRYING
ISN'T ROLLING, IS IT?
I MEAN, DID ANYONE HEAR THE WORD
"ROLLING" COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH?
CHECK THE TRANSCRIPT.
I THINK YOU'LL FIND ONE
WORD MISSING: ROLLING.
TRANSCRIPT?
YEAH, TAYLOR, THIS
ISN'T CHARLIE ROSE.
HE'S LOSING HIS MARBLES.
IT'S JUST A PERSONAL VENDETTA.
HIS STORE IS DESERTED.
I THINK THAT WE SHOULD END
THE MEETING RIGHT HERE, TAYLOR.
WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.
YOU, THERE, WHEN
LADY GODIVA HERE
WANTED TO BE TOWN
TROUBADOUR OVER YOU,
I STOOD BY YOUR SIDE.
WHY AREN'T YOU BACKING ME NOW?
'CAUSE YOU LEFT ME TWISTING FOR A
LONG TIME BEFORE YOU DID, TAYLOR,
AND IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.
I EVEN WROTE A SONG
ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.
OH, I HEARD IT. IT'S CALLED
TAYLOR LEFT ME TWISTING.
OH, YEAH, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
YOU THINK? 'CAUSE I'M HAVING
TROUBLE WITH THE CHORUS.
♪ TAYLOR LEFT ME TWISTING,
HE SET MY EYES A-MISTING ♪
I'M NOT SURE IF IT HAS
THAT THING, THOUGH.
NO, I LOVE THAT PART.
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT
THAT MAYBE AT THE END,
YOU COULD DO MORE
ABOUT THE SWEATER.
WE'LL TALK.
I'M GONNA WRAP THIS UP.
NOW, PATTY, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF THIS GUY DECIDED TO OPEN
THE LONGHAIRED FREAK
SCHOOL OF DANCE?
OR THE LONGHAIRED
FREAK DINER, LUKE?
OR THE LONGHAIRED
FREAK BOOKSTORE?
IT'S NOT GOOD, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY WHO AGREES
THAT WE WOULD NOT FEEL
GOOD ABOUT THAT, SAY AYE.
AYE!
MEETING ADJOURNED. GOOD NIGHT.
ANOTHER FUN ONE.
TAYLOR, HOLD ON A SEC.
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME CLEANING
UP TO DO OVER AT THE DINER?
GUYS, HOLD IT. COME ON.
YOU HEARD ME CALLING YOU. STOP.
WHAT IS IT, LUKE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS IT?
MY UNCLE LOUIE'S FUNERAL'S
TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM ANY OF YOU.
HE WAS A WORLD WAR II VETERAN,
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU
RE-ENACTOR FREAKS DO.
YOU GO TO VETS' FUNERALS. SO
YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE, RIGHT?
HELLO?
YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA TALK TO HIM.
BURT SAID HE WAS GONNA DO IT.
IT'S TAYLOR'S JOB.
YOU ALWAYS PASS THE BUCK.
TALK TO ME ABOUT WHAT, GUYS?
YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW, LUKE.
WE DON'T WANT TO
GO TO LOUIE'S FUNERAL.
WHAT?
WE ALL HATED LOUIE.
OH, COME ON, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
HE ALWAYS HAD A
SCOWL ON HIS FACE,
NOT A KIND WORD FOR ANYBODY.
HE WOULD LIGHT
THOSE HIDEOUS CIGARS,
BLOW SMOKE IN PEOPLE'S FACES,
AND THEN SPIT AFTER EACH PUFF.
HE WAS DISGUSTING.
AND MEAN. HE KICKED
MY DOG WHEN I WAS A KID.
HE HIT ON MY WIFE REPEATEDLY.
TOTO WAS ALWAYS
DIFFERENT AFTER THAT.
MY WIFE WAS MUCH
AFFECTED AS WELL.
I'D TOSS HER SOMETHING
TO FETCH. SHE'D RUN AFTER IT,
AND HALFWAY THERE SHE'D
FORGET WHAT SHE WAS DOING.
SHE NEVER ENJOYED HER SOAP
OPERAS THE SAME AFTER THAT.
SHE'D JUST LIE DOWN
AND GO TO SLEEP.
THIS IS AN EXAGGERATION.
WE'RE NOT EXAGGERATING. WE
THREW A BIG PARTY WHEN HE LEFT TOWN.
I MADE LOVE TO MY WIFE
THAT NIGHT LIKE I NEVER HAVE.
MY TOTO BARKED A HAPPY BARK,
THEN QUIETLY STOPPED
BREATHING. SHE WAS OLD.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
COME ON, LUKE, YOU KNEW THE GUY.
THIS MAN WAS MY UNCLE,
OK? AND A WAR VETERAN.
HE DESERVES A VETERAN'S FUNERAL.
BUT, HEY, IF YOU GUYS
ARE TOO LAZY TO SHOW UP...
HE'S THE LAZY ONE.
NEVER ONCE DID HE
PARTICIPATE IN A TOWN FUNCTION.
IN FACT, WHEN WE RE-ENACTORS
GATHERED, HE'D THROW THINGS AT US.
AND NOT SOFT
THINGS. HARD THINGS.
ROCKS AND SMALL TOOLS.
OK, I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
AND HE GOT MEANER
AS HE GOT OLDER.
NEVER MARRIED, NEVER HAD KIDS.
A REAL LONER.
TO HELL WITH YOU
GUYS. WHO NEEDS YOU?
I MIGHT THROW ROCKS AND SMALL
TOOLS AT YOU MYSELF NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.
A DEFENSIVE HOTHEAD
JUST LIKE LOUIE.
PRACTICALLY CLONES.
OH, MY GOD. THIS
IS SO HIGH TECH.
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M DOWNLOADING WEDDING
STUFF FROM PRAGUE.
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.
IT'S STREAMING IN RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S INTERNET TALK. STREAMING.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
DID YOU KNOW IT'S NOT CALLED
CZECHOSLOVAKIA ANYMORE.
JUST CZECH REPUBLIC.
SLOVAKIA IS ITS OWN
SEPARATE THING.
IT'S WEIRD, ISN'T IT?
LIKE SAYING THERE'S
NO MORE CONNECTICUT.
IT'S JUST "CONNEC" AND "TICUT."
WHAT ARE YOU
DOWNLOADING FROM PRAGUE?
THIS WILL MUCH AMUSE YOU.
COLOR SAMPLES FOR
THE BIG CERAMIC STANDS.
CERAMIC STANDS FOR WHAT?
FOR THE GIANT
PAPIER-MACHE MUSHROOMS.
WHAT ARE PAPIER-MACHE
THE MUSHROOMS FOR?
FOR THE MIDGETS DRESSED LIKE
ANGELS TO DANCE UNDER, SILLY.
OH, MY GOD.
EMILY FOUND THE BEST PAPIER-MACHE
MUSHROOM MAKER IN PARIS.
HE'S MUCH BETTER THAN THE
GUY THAT MAKES THEM IN BELGIUM.
WHAT A HACK.
SOOKIE, I NEED YOU TO STOP STARING
AT THE SCREEN. WE NEED TO TALK.
PLEASE DON'T TALK HER
OUT OF THESE THINGS.
I DO NOT WANT TO DIE WITHOUT SEEING
MIDGETS DANCING WITH MUSHROOMS.
STAY OUT OF THIS.
OH, YOU'RE NO FUN.
WHAT IS IT, HONEY?
LOOK, THE... THE
DANGER OF EMILY-WORLD
IS THAT YOU DON'T
ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE IN IT
WHEN ACTUALLY YOU ARE.
OH, NOT THIS
EMILY-WORLD STUFF AGAIN.
SOOKIE, HAVE YOU RUN THE
NUMBERS ON ANY OF THIS?
WHAT IS THIS COSTING YOU?
I DON'T KNOW THE FULL
COST, BUT YOUR MOTHER
IS GETTING ME 50 PERCENT
OFF OF EVERYTHING.
SHE IS SO CONNECTED.
OK, BUT 50 PERCENT
OFF A LOAD OF MONEY
IS STILL HALF A LOAD OF MONEY.
YOU DON'T HAVE
HALF A LOAD TO SPEND.
WELL, IF I SCRIMP, I CAN
AFFORD A QUARTER LOAD.
THAT'S STILL TOO MUCH.
YOUR MOTHER SAID
SHE'D CHIP IN A LITTLE.
THAT IS WAY, WAY,
WAY INAPPROPRIATE.
I DIDN'T TAKE HER UP
ON IT, BUT IT WAS NICE.
SOOKIE, THIS ISN'T YOU:
THE MIDGETS, MUSHROOMS,
AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.
AND IT ISN'T JACKSON, EITHER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE TALKED.
YOU AND JACKSON TALKED?
I'M SORRY, BUT HE
CAME TO ME ALL UPSET.
AND I LOVE YOU SOOKIE,
AND I LOVE HIM, TOO.
AND IT JUST SEEMED LIKE IT
WAS TIME FOR ME TO MEDDLE.
HE WAS UPSET?
HE WAS PRETTY UPSET.
WHY DIDN'T HE JUST TALK TO ME?
BECAUSE HE'S JACKSON.
HE WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY AND
TO GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
SO WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS,
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?
WELL,
MAYBE THE MIDGETS ARE A LITTLE
OVER THE TOP AND THE MUSHROOMS...
OH, MY GOD. IT'S ALL
SOUNDING SO SILLY NOW.
YOU'RE COMING OUT
OF IT. KEEP GOING.
OH, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO
KEEP THIS NICE AND SIMPLE.
GOD, WE HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.
SO GO BACK.
I WILL GO BACK.
THAT IS IF JACKSON STILL
WANTS TO MARRY ME.
OF COURSE HE STILL
WANTS TO MARRY YOU.
I'M GONNA CALL HIM AND I'M GONNA
TELL HIM IT'S ALL CHANGING BACK.
GOOD.
OH, I SHOULD CALL AND
CANCEL SOME STUFF FIRST.
I'VE GOT TO CALL BELGIUM, OSLO,
COPENHAGEN, BORA BORA.
WHAT DID YOU ORDER FROM THERE?
I'M GONNA SHIELD
YOU FROM THAT ONE.
THANKS.
HELLO. LUKE.
SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.
OK, I'LL COME RIGHT OVER.
I GOT TO GO.
CALL, CALL AND...
WELCOME BACK, FRIEND.
THANKS.
OH, I'M GONNA START
WITH HONG KONG.
I AM HOPING THOSE ACROBATS
CAN GET ANOTHER GIG.
THERE YOU ARE.
IT WON'T CLOSE.
WHAT? THE LID.
WHAT?
OH, HELLO, LOUIE.
THAT'S LOUIE.
NICE TAN.
NOW YOU SAY THE LID WON'T CLOSE?
YES. THE LID WON'T CLOSE.
DID YOU BUY THE RIGHT SIZE?
OF COURSE, I BOUGHT
THE RIGHT SIZE.
IT'S THE MODEL WE RECOMMEND FOR
THOSE OF MEDIUM HEIGHT AND WEIGHT.
AND HE'S OF MEDIUM
HEIGHT AND WEIGHT.
THEN WHY WON'T IT CLOSE?
BECAUSE OF THE
STUFF. WHAT STUFF?
THE STUFF! HE LEFT A LIST OF
STUFF HE WANTED BURIED WITH HIM.
IT'S NOT UNCOMMON.
IT'S A VERY LONG LIST.
FISHING REEL, BOWLING TROPHY, A
FLASK, HIS ANTIQUE DUELING PISTOLS,
HIS COPY OF SHERMAN'S MEMOIRS.
IS ALL THE STUFF IN THERE NOW?
YES, IT IS.
I SHOVED IT IN THE BEST I
COULD, BUT IT WON'T CLOSE
WHICH DEFEATS THE
ENTIRE PURPOSE OF HAVING
A DAMN CASKET
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MAY I?
GIVE IT A SHOT.
WHOA!
THE FOOTBALL SIGNED BY JOHNNY
UNITAS GIVES IT THAT BOUNCE.
WHA-WHAT IF WE MOVE
THE GAS MASK AND PITH HELMET
DOWN TOWARDS THE FEET?
THAT END ALREADY HAS EVERY
BASEBALL CARD HE EVER BOUGHT,
THOUSANDS OF THEM.
OH, BUNGEE CORD. NO.
UM, WHAT IF WE GOT SOME
PEOPLE FROM THE OFFICE HERE,
ACCOUNTING OR WHATEVER, TO SIT
ON THE LID AND WE COULD LATCH IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANYBODY
YOU COULD SPRING?
I'M OUT OF IDEAS.
SO AM I.
YOU KNOW WHAT? TO HELL
WITH THIS. TO HELL WITH THIS.
I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE.
IT HAS TO BE DEALT WITH.
IT DOESN'T. IT'S NOT AS IF HE
DESERVES MY HELP OR MY RESPECT.
THE MAN WAS YOUR UNCLE.
HE WAS A JERK!
DON'T SAY THAT.
NO, TAYLOR AND THE
GUYS WERE RIGHT.
I WAS CUTTING LOUIE SLACK
OUT OF RESPECT FOR MY DAD,
BUT THE MAN WAS ROTTEN AND
MEAN AND SELFISH ALL HIS LIFE.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE'S
EVEN SELFISH IN DEATH.
OTHER PEOPLE WOULD HAVE LOVED
TO HAVE THOSE BASEBALL CARDS.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE
HAD THOSE BASEBALL CARDS.
HE'S GOT LOU
GEHRIG'S ROOKIE CARD,
JOE DIMAGGIO, WILLIE
MAYS, TONS OF OTHERS.
BUT, NO. MY UNCLE, KING TUT,
HAS TO TAKE ALL OF THEM
TO THE AFTERLIFE WITH HIM.
SIR, YOUR VOICE.
I'M DONE. I'VE HAD IT.
FROM NOW ON, IT'S JUST THE
BARE MINIMUM AND THAT'S IT.
DIG A BIG HOLE AND JUST
DUMP THE CASKET IN UNLATCHED.
IF STUFF FALLS OUT, FINE.
JUST PILE ON ENOUGH DIRT
AND MAKE SURE NOTHING'S SHOWING.
I'M ASSUMING THAT WOULDN'T
BE APPROPRIATE, EITHER.
NO.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
YOUNG MAN, WHERE'S THE YOUNG
LADY WE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT
WHO'S USING THOSE
DELIGHTFUL OLD DINER PHRASES
TO PLACE PEOPLE'S
ORDERS? IT SOUNDS SO FUN.
COULD YOU POINT HER OUT FOR US?
NO.
THAT'S TO EVERYONE.
I'LL BE UPSTAIRS.
THANKS FOR DOING THE VERY
LEAST YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
LUKE, THERE YOU
ARE. I WAS WORRIED.
YEAH, SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE
CALLED. THANKS FOR COVERING AGAIN.
THIS'LL BE THE
LAST TIME. I PROMISE.
IT'S OK. WHERE WERE YOU?
AT FIRST, I WALKED AROUND A
BUNCH TRYING TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
SAW A LOT OF HARTFORD.
WHAT A CESSPOOL.
YOU'RE NOT A CITY MAN.
I CALMED DOWN AFTER A WHILE
AND I FIGURED DUMPING
LOUIE'S BODY IN AN OPEN GRAVE
WITH ALL HIS STUFF PROBABLY
WOULD BE A LITTLE COLD.
JUST A TAD.
SO I GOT A YELLOW
PAGES AND I FOUND
A BIG-AND-TALL CASKET
SHOP IN HARTFORD.
YOU'RE KIDDING. NOPE.
I FOUND A CASKET THAT
WOULD FIT MY 160-POUND UNCLE
AND HIS 140 POUNDS OF STUFF.
GOT THE LID TO SHUT
THE FIRST TIME WE TRIED.
SO THE FUNERAL'S
ON AS SCHEDULED.
GOOD.
I STILL DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M DOING THIS.
YOU ARE DOING IT FOR YOUR DAD.
YEAH, I GUESS,
ALTHOUGH HE'S DEAD,
SO HE'D NEVER KNOW IF I
WAS DOING IT ANY DIFFERENT.
HE KNOWS.
HE'S GOT THE BIG LUKE
PICTURE SCREEN ON
24 HOURS A DAY, HE
WATCHES AND SMILES.
AND YOU'RE DOING
IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE YOU.
I'M GONNA CHANGE,
THEN YOU CAN RETIRE
FROM YOUR DINER CAREER FOREVER.
NO, IT'S FUN.
I CAME UP WITH SOME
NEW DINER PHRASES.
YOU KNOW WHAT A
"LUCKY DUCK CLUCK" IS?
NO.
IT'S FOIE GRAS WITH CHICKEN
AND GREEN SHAMROCK FROSTING.
WHY WOULD ANYONE
EVER ORDER THAT?
IF THEY'RE HIGH.
UGH, GOOD GRIEF.
WHAT?
BAD VIBE SANDWICH JUST CAME IN.
YOU BETTER RETREAT.
I WON'T BE LONG.
HI, MOM.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU WORK HERE?
I'M JUST LENDING A
HAND. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I WENT BY THE INN TO WORK
WITH SOOKIE ON HER WEDDING.
YEAH?
AND SHE FIRED ME.
SHE DIDN'T FIRE YOU.
SHE'S CLAIMS TO HAVE CHANGED HER
MIND ON ALL THE THINGS WE PLANNED.
MAYBE SHE DID.
NO, SHE DIDN'T. I KNOW
WHAT'S BEHIND THIS.
THAT IS, WHO'S BEHIND THIS.
IT WAS GETTING TO BE TOO MUCH FOR
HER AND TOO MUCH FOR HER FIANCE.
I KNEW IT.
MOM, THESE ARE
NOT WEALTHY PEOPLE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
THEY'RE SAVING FOR A HOME,
AND YOUR MIDGETS WERE DANCING
BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR DREAMS.
YOU SAY "MIDGETS"
LIKE IT'S SO ABSURD.
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?
I DON'T SEE WHAT WAS SO WRONG WITH
MY HELPING SOOKIE PLAN HER WEDDING.
MOM, COME ON.
WHAT COME ON?
YOU WEREN'T PLANNING
SOOKIE'S WEDDING.
WELL. THEN, WHOSE
WEDDING WAS I PLANNING?
MINE.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
MOM, YOUR VISION FOR THIS WEDDING
AND ALL THE OVER-THE-TOP STUFF,
LIKE A ZILLION DOLLOR FLOWERS,
BUNTING, CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN,
AND THE HAUTE-COUTURE DRESS.
WHO'S WEARING THAT WEDDING
DRESS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, MOM?
IS IT SOOKIE? OR IS IT ME?
I WASN'T PLANNING
YOUR WEDDING, LORELAI.
RIGHT.
THE WEDDING I WAS
PLANNING WAS FOR SOOKIE.
THE MUSHROOMS AND COLORS,
THEY ALL SEEMED LIKE FUN,
A LITTLE CRAZY JUST LIKE SHE IS.
IT DEFINITELY WAS NOT FOR YOU.
OK, MOM.
I KNOW THAT IN A MILLION YEARS YOU'D
NEVER LET ME PLAN YOUR WEDDING.
I GAVE UP ON THAT
DREAM A LONG TIME AGO.
YOURS WAS GOING TO BE A RUSSIAN
WINTER THEME, THE ROMANOVS.
BEFORE THE FIRING
SQUAD, I ASSUME?
SNOW-WHITE ROSES,
TREES WITH WHITE
LIGHTS AND CANDLES.
SNOW EVERYWHERE.
YOU ARRIVING IN A SILVER
SLEIGH WITH WHITE HORSES.
WOW.
YOU HATE THE IDEA.
NO, I JUST...
YOU JUST HATE IT.
NO, IT JUST DOESN'T
SEEM LIKE ME.
YES, WELL, IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN BEAUTIFUL.
I'M SURE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN.
ANYHOW, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT
WOULDN'T BE APPROPRIATE ANYMORE
BEING AS I'M PROBABLY
STANDING IN YOUR RECEPTION HALL.
EXCUSE ME?
BURGERS AND FRIES
FOR THE DINNER,
THE BRIDE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE
WITH A KETCHUP
DISPENSER IN HER HAND.
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT LUKE.
LUKE? MOM!
WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS, LORELAI.
NO, IT'S NOT, MOM.
YOU'RE WITH HIM CONSTANTLY.
HE FEEDS ME.
YOU BRING UP HIS
NAME CONSTANTLY.
ONCE AGAIN, HE FEEDS ME.
THE MOMENT HE CALLS,
YOU RUN TO HIS SIDE.
HE'S MY FRIEND. HE NEEDED ME.
I HAD TO BE THERE.
YES, I KNOW YOU DID.
HI.
HELLO.
I HAVE TO GO.
I'LL SEE YOU FOR
DINNER TONIGHT, LORELAI.
AND LUKE, I'M SURE I'LL
SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE ROMANOVS?
THEY PROBABLY HAD IT COMING.
A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
WE'RE HERE, OF
COURSE, TO HONOR LOUIE,
TO PAY OUR RESPECTS,
AND TO BID HIM A
SORROWFUL GOODBYE.
YOU OK?
YEAH. I'M NOT BIG ON
FUNERALS IN GENERAL.
NOBODY IS.
HE PASSED AWAY IN HIS SLEEP,
SO THE END CAME
PEACEFULLY FOR LOUIE,
WHICH I'M SURE IS A GREAT
COMFORT TO ALL WHO KNEW HIM.
THE PASSING-AWAY PART WAS A
GREAT COMFORT FOR ALL WHO KNEW HIM.
I DIDN'T KNOW HIM.
GOOD THING.
BUT I UNDERSTAND
HE WAS A FINE MAN,
DESTINED TO BE MISSED BY MANY.
ESPECIALLY THE ONES
THAT WERE SUING HIM.
STOP. SORRY, FATHER.
REVEREND.
RIGHT.
NOW LET US WITNESS LOUIE DANES
AS HE IS INTERRED AND
BROUGHT TO THE LORD.
IT WAS A NICE SERVICE.
NICE AND, UM, INTIMATE.
I GUESS EVERYBODY DESERVES
SOMETHING AT THE END.
THANKS FOR COMING.
I WOULDN'T HAVE MISSED IT.
THAT AIN'T ME, IS IT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT TAYLOR SAID
ABOUT ME BEING LIKE LOUIE:
A LONER, NEVER BEING
MARRIED AND STUFF?
I'M GETTING CRANKIER
AS I GET OLDER.
HE'S NOT SO FAR OFF.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR UNCLE.
I MEAN,
WOULD LOUIE EVER
BUILD SOMEONE A HUPPAH
OR HELP FIX THINGS AROUND
SOMEONE'S HOUSE WITHOUT BEING ASKED,
OR MAKE A SPECIAL COFFEE CAKE
WITH BALLOONS FOR A
GIRL'S 16TH BIRTHDAY?
RORY TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?
YES. WOULD LOUIE HAVE
TAKEN IN HIS SISTER'S KID
WITHOUT HESITATING, WITHOUT
ASKING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN?
NO ONE WOULD'VE TRUSTED
LOUIE WITH THEIR KID.
HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE
FORGOTTEN TO FEED HIM, OR SOMETHING.
YOU GET MY POINT.
YEAH, I GET IT.
WHAT'S THAT?
IS THAT ANDREW?
I BELIEVE IT IS.
LEFT, LEFT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.
THAT'S ALL OF THEM.
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.
LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT.
COMPANY HALT.
COMPANY SALUTE!
THANKS.
IT'S WHAT YOUR DAD WANTED.
YEAH.
AND OLD LOUIE WOULD
HAVE HATED THIS.
THAT'S JUST A FRINGE BENEFIT.
PRESENT ARMS!
♪
DO YOU THINK HE'S IN HEAVEN?
I HOPE SO, JUST SO MY DAD CAN
KICK HIS BUTT AROUND THE PLACE.
CAN YOU KICK WHEN
YOU'RE IN HEAVEN?
IT'S PROBABLY FROWNED UPON.
YEAH, PLUS YOU'RE ALL
SEE-THROUGH AND GAUZY.
DAD'S FOOT COULD
GO RIGHT THROUGH HIM.
THIS IS A SILLY CONVERSATION.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
HI.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A WAKE.
A WAKE? FOR LOUIE.
I THOUGHT YOU SET IT UP.
I... I DIDN'T SET IT UP.
IT'S GOING WELL, ANYWAY.
PEOPLE BROUGHT A TON OF
FOOD, IF YOU GUYS ARE HUNGRY.
THIS IS UNEXPECTED. VERY.
DON'T YOU HAVE WAKES
FOR PEOPLE YOU LIKE?
THINK IT MIGHT BE FOR YOU.
AM I DEAD?
FACE IT, LUKE. PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
SHUT UP.
WITH CHARM LIKE THAT,
HOW CAN THEY RESIST?
HEY, TAYLOR. COOL THREADS.
VERY "ONE IF BY LAND." MMM-HMM.
I SEE YOU'RE DIGGING
INTO THE VEGETABLES.
THANKS FOR THE PLAY-BY-PLAY.
BROUGHT THOSE MYSELF.
HEY, HOW WAS THE FUNERAL?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE TENDING TO
YOUR LITTLE STAND OUT THERE, FRIEND?
WELL, THE STAND'S GONE.
WHAT?
IT'S GONE. I'M ALL PACKED
UP. I'M OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T GET IT.
I JUST GROW THIS
STUFF IN MY BACKYARD,
AND AS OF
YESTERDAY, SOLD IT ALL.
YOU SOLD IT ALL?
SOLD IT ALL. MADE ENOUGH
MONEY TO DO SOME TRAVELING.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ISRAEL?
TURBULENT, I KNOW, BUT
I THOUGHT I'D GO DOWN
AND TRY AND PLANT
SOME PEACE DOWN THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? SEE
IF IT GROWS, SEE IF IT SPREADS.
SHUT UP.
WHY DID YOU PUT ME THROUGH ALL
THAT HOO-HA AT THE TOWN MEETING
IF YOUR VEGETABLE BUSINESS
WAS JUST TEMPORARY?
ACTUALLY YOU PUT
YOURSELF THROUGH IT, TAYLOR.
YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH IT.
NICE SPREAD.
PEOPLE HAVE TOO MUCH
FREE TIME IN THIS TOWN.
YOU DID A GOOD THING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I THOUGHT MY MOM
SET THIS UP. SHE DIDN'T.
SO? IT WASN'T ME.
IT WASN'T?
NO, NO WAY.
IT WASN'T ME.
IF YOU SAY SO.
LOOK, THE CRAZY BALLET
TEACHER ASKED WHEN LUKE
WAS GETTING BACK
FROM THE FUNERAL,
IF I COULD UNLOCK THE DOOR.
I CAME DOWN, UNLOCKED THE
DOOR, AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP.
SO YOU DID DO A
LITTLE SOMETHING.
I UNLOCKED THE DOOR.
SO PEOPLE COULD COME IN HERE
AND PUT THIS TOGETHER. NICE.
NICE FOR THEM, NOT FOR ME.
YOU FACILITATED IT.
YOU MADE IT HAPPEN.
SO I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU'RE
OFFICIALLY PART OF OUR TOWN NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE. WELCOME.
I'M NOT PART OF THIS TOWN.
SEE YOU FOR SOME TREE PLANTING
AT THE ARBOR DAY FESTIVAL, BUDDY.
YEAH, MAYBE I CAN KNOCK
OVER A LIQUOR STORE
WHILE EVERYONE'S PLANTING TREES.
AS LONG AS IT'S A
LIQUOR STORE IN TOWN.
SO, LIKE I SAY, IT'S HALLOWEEN,
RIGHT, AND WE'RE LUCKY LOUIE
DOESN'T HAVE RAZOR
WIRE AROUND HIS YARD.
FINALLY, ONE OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS,
HE GETS ALL COURAGEOUS,
AND GOES SAUNTERING
UP TO THE DOOR.
HE GOES, "TRICK OR TREAT!"
LOUIE FINALLY THROWS
THE DOOR OPEN AND SAYS,
"DID YOU GET A
REESE'S CUP TONIGHT?"
THE KID LOOKS IN HIS BAG
AND SAYS, "YES, SIR, I DID."
SO LOUIE GRABS IT, SAYS
"THANK YOU VERY MUCH,"
AND SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE.
I'M SORRY I NEVER MET HIM.
HE WAS COLORFUL.
I NEVER TRICK-OR-TREATED AGAIN.
SO ONE DAY I'M AT THE
POST OFFICE, I'M IN LINE,
WHEN LOUIE JUST
ABOUT KNOCKS ME OVER.
AND HE CUTS IN LINE. I
SAID, "LOUIE, THERE'S A LINE!"
SO HE SAYS, "KISS MY BUTT."
I SAID, "YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS."
HE SAYS, "PLEASE KISS MY BUTT,"
AND DROPS HIS PANTS.
I GOT ONE. I GOT ONE.
LOUIE WAS PARKED OUTSIDE
AL'S PANCAKE WORLD,
AND I WAS TRYING TO PULL
IN THE SPACE BEHIND HIM.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE
STARTS TO BACK UP.
I HONKED MY HORN AND HE...