Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 2, Episode 16 - There's the Rub - full transcript

HERE YOU GO.

JEEZ! OH, SORRY, FOLKS.

UH, HERE.

THERE WE GO. FREE
COFFEE ALL AROUND.

MIGHT WANNA PUT
YOUR HAND OVER THAT.

THERE WE GO.

TOM, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON UP THERE?

WE'RE REDOING YOUR APARTMENT.

WHAT'D YOU THINK IS GOING ON?

THE CEILING'S FALLING.

I GOT CUSTOMERS
EATING DRY WALL HERE.

OH, WELL, THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

YOU SAID MINIMAL DISRUPTIONS.

HEY, THIS IS MINIMAL
DISRUPTIONS.

LOOK, I NEED YOU TO
SIGN THIS CHANGE ORDER.

WHAT HAPPENED NOW?

WELL, WE BROKE THROUGH THIS WALL

WE FOUND SOME PIPES THAT
SHOULDN'T BE THERE. GOTTA MOVE THEM.

MOVE THEM WHERE?

NOT SURE. WE GOTTA FIND
OUT WHAT THEY DO FIRST.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

OH, YEAH, THERE'S
NOTHING I LIKE MORE

THAN A GOOD MOVING-A-PIPE JOKE.

FINE. ONE MORE WEEK. THAT'S IT.

OH, SURE, CONSTRUCTION
ULTIMATUM.

HA! THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER
THAN MY MOVING-A-PIPE JOKE.

HEY. HEY.

JEEZ, LOOK AT THIS
PLACE. IT'S A MESS.

HOW LONG...

NO, CAN'T SIT HERE. WHY NOT?

3 PEOPLE GOT NAILED IN
THE HEAD HERE EARLIER.

BUT THEIR FOOD WAS OK, RIGHT?

WILL YOU JUST MOVE?

OUTSIDE.

YOU KNOW, IF I SIT HERE ONE MORE
SECOND, I JUST MIGHT BE OUTSIDE.

ORDER ME SOME COFFEE.

OK.

OH, YOU ARE REALLY FUNNY.

YOU AND TOM SHOULD
PUT AN ACT TOGETHER.

I'D LEAVE IT OPEN.

GO AHEAD, MOM. I
CAN HEAR YOU NOW.

I WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU'D
LIKE A GIFT CERTIFICATE

FOR A WEEKEND AT
THE BIRCHGROVE SPA.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I BID ON IT AT THE DAR
SYMPHONY FUNDRAISER, AND I WON.

BIRCHGROVE. THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE AN AMAZING PLACE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO?

OH, I'VE NEVER HAD ANY
REAL DESIRE TO GO TO A SPA.

WHY DID YOU BID ON IT THEN?

IT WAS FOR CHARITY. I
HAD TO BID ON SOMETHING.

AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER
PORTRAIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON.

I'VE GOT 4 IN THE ATTIC ALREADY.

WOW. I'D LOVE IT.

GOOD.

2 DAYS OF TOTAL
MIND-NUMBING PAMPERING.

MASSAGES, FACIALS, AROMATHERAPY.

MY GOODNESS. YOU MAKE
IT SOUND LIKE HEAVEN.

CLOSEST YOU'LL EVER
COME TO BEING A DOG.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOU KNOW, A WHOLE LIFE OF
NOTHING BUT EATING, SLEEPING,

LYING ON YOUR BACK
AND GETTING RUBBED.

I'D LOVE THE COMPARISON
TO STOP THERE.

YEAH. HEY, WHEN'S IT FOR?

THIS WEEKEND, ACTUALLY.

OH, WELL, I'LL BE THERE.

SO WILL I.

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, THE CERTIFICATE IS FOR 2.

AND SINCE YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THE
MOST WONDERFUL PLACE IN THE WORLD,

I MIGHT AS WELL TRY IT WITH YOU.

OH, BUT...

THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
ISN'T IT, IF I JOIN YOU?

YOU DON'T MIND?

NO, I DON'T MIND AT ALL.

WONDERFUL.

I'LL PICK YOU UP
TOMORROW MORNING.

YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

OH, YEAH, ME, TOO. THANKS, MOM.

BYE-BYE.

I'M GOING TO A SPA
WITH MY MOTHER.

LEAN FORWARD.

♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

SO, THEN WE'RE ALL CONFIRMED.

UH, GREAT. THANKS SO
MUCH FOR YOUR HELP.

OK. BYE.

YES.

THAT WAS AN EVIL "YES."

NOT AN EVIL "YES."

IT'S A "YES, I'M PRETTY,

BUT, HELLO, I'M
SMART" KIND OF A "YES."

OH, MY MISTAKE.

SO HERE'S THE DEAL.
I GO INTO MY FACIAL

JUST AS MY MOTHER IS
FINISHING HER SALT GLOW

WHICH'LL END 10 MINUTES AFTER
I'VE HIT MY SCALP TREATMENT

WHICH PUTS ME IN THE
WATSU MASSAGE POOL

AT LEAST 6 MINUTES
INTO HER BACK FACIAL.

UH, IN FACT, THE DAY
IS SO WELL PLANNED,

I WON'T SEE HER UNTIL DINNER

WHICH'LL BE CUT TRAGICALLY SHORT BY
THE FOOD POISONING I PLAN TO CONTRACT.

YOU ARE 12 AND DISGUSTING.

I AM TRAPPED AND DESPERATE.

YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN AVOID
GRANDMA THE ENTIRE WEEKEND?

HEY, I'M NOTHING IF
NOT A GREAT ORGANIZER.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA DO TONIGHT.

THROWING A PARTY, I HOPE.

INVITING HUNDREDS
OF BIKERS AND LOWLIFES

WHO ARE GONNA TRASH THE PLACE.

I AM GOING TO DO
LAUNDRY, WATCH T.V,

ORDER INDIAN FOOD,
AND GO TO BED EARLY.

AND THEN COME THE
BIKERS AND LOWLIFES

WHO ARE GONNA TRASH THE PLACE?

I MAY EVEN FALL ASLEEP ON
THE COUCH WITH THE T.V. ON.

WHEN DO THE BIKERS AND
LOWLIFES GET TO TRASH THE PLACE?

YOU'RE ALL PACKED.

RORY, YOU HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING BAD

WHEN MOMMY'S OUT OF TOWN.

IT'S THE LAW.

YOU'VE SEEN RISKY
BUSINESS, RIGHT?

NOW, I'M NOT ASKING
FOR A PROSTITUTION RING,

BUT HOW ABOUT A... A FLOATING
CRAPS GAME OR SOMETHING?

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

I'D GREATLY APPRECIATE IT.

I THINK GRANDMA'S HERE.

WHAT'S SHE HONKING FOR?

SHE HATES HONKING.

SHE CALLS IT A MECHANICAL
BODILY FUNCTION.

OH, JEEZ.

OH, COOL!

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

WHAT ARE WE, GOING TO THE PROM?

I JUST THOUGHT SINCE THIS
WEEKEND IS ALL ABOUT RELAXING,

WE SHOULD START WITH THE RIDE.

THIS IS COOL, GRANDMA.

THANK YOU, RORY.

SO ARE WE ALL READY TO GO?

I GUESS SO, MISS DAISY.

BYE, SWEETS. BYE.

BYE, GRANDMA.

GOODBYE, RORY.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

BIKERS AND LOWLIFES.

I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

IN GENERAL, THE LAB REPORTS WEREN'T
BAD, BUT THEY WEREN'T GREAT EITHER,

WHICH LEADS ME TO QUESTION

WHETHER EVERYONE HAS THE GRASP

ON ELECTROCHEMISTRY I'D PREFER,

BEFORE WE MOVE ON.

TO THAT END, I WILL BE GIVING
ANOTHER TEST ON TUESDAY,

COVERING CHAPTERS 14
THROUGH 18 IN YOUR TEXTBOOKS

AS WELL AS THE
MATERIAL FROM LAB.

NOW PLEASE PROCEED WITH THE
ASSIGNMENT WE ALL STARTED YESTERDAY

AS THAT, TOO, WILL BE
INCLUDED ON THE TEST.

MADELINE.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.

SO, YOU'VE GOT DATES?
WELL, YEAH, WHY?

I WAS KIND OF HOPING
YOU COULD STUDY WITH ME.

ON A FRIDAY NIGHT? YES.

WELL, WE'VE GOT DATES.

WHAT IS SHE SAYING?

SHE WANTS US TO STUDY WITH HER.

ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?

YEAH. BUT WE'VE GOT DATES.

I KNOW YOU HAVE DATES.

I WAS HOPING MAYBE
YOU'D CANCEL THEM.

TO STUDY? YES.

ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE WANTS US TO CANCEL
OUR DATES TO STUDY.

ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

BUT WE HAVE...

OH, MY GOD. FORGET IT!

SO I SUPPOSE THAT YOU HAVE
BIG FRIDAY NIGHT PLANS ALSO?

WELL, KIND OF.

SO THE FACT THAT I'M SEEING MY
ENTIRE HARVARD CAREER SLIP AWAY

APPARENTLY IS OF NO
INTEREST TO ANYONE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I GOT AN A-MINUS, OK?

SO?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SO"?

I GOT AN A-MINUS.

I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN AN A-MINUS.

I JUST CAN'T FOCUS LATELY.

THINGS ARE SO WEIRD AT MY HOUSE.

MY DAD FINALLY FIGURED
OUT EXACTLY HOW MUCH

IT WAS GONNA COST
HIM TO DIVORCE MY MOM.

SO NOW HE'S BACK.

AND IT'S BAD ENOUGH I WASTED ALL THAT
TIME CRUNCHING THE NUMBERS WITH HIM,

BUT NOW THAT HE'S
BACK, THEY'RE FIGHTING

AND REDECORATING.
THE PLACE IS A MESS.

I NEED HELP.

LOOK, I CAN'T TONIGHT,

BUT IF YOU'RE STILL FREAKED
OUT AFTER THE QUIZ ON TUESDAY,

I WILL SPEND EVERY DAY NEXT WEEK

HELPING YOU PREPARE
FOR THE FINAL, OK?

I GUESS.

RELAX. IT WILL BE
FINE. I PROMISE.

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
MOVE A DECIMAL POINT,

AND NONE OF THIS
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

OH, LOOK AT THIS
PLACE. IT'S LOVELY.

AND THAT SMELL. WHAT
IS THAT? EUCALYPTUS?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, IT'S LOVELY.

OH, LORELAI, COME
OVER HERE. LOOK.

THEY HAVE CUCUMBER
SLICES IN THE WATER.

OH, WOW.

IF THEY HAVE RANCH DRESSING IN THE
SOAP DISPENSERS, THIS PLACE IS GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE IT HERE.

HMM. CAREFUL, MOM. THAT'S
HOW THEY GET YOU IN THE MOONIES.

I FEEL MORE RELAXED ALREADY.

MMM. THAT'S THE MOST
DELICIOUS WATER I'VE HAD.

HAVE A SIP.

LET'S JUST CHECK IN, SHALL WE?

OK.

HELLO. I'M EMILY GILMORE.

THIS IS MY DAUGHTER LORELAI.

AH, YES, WELCOME TO BIRCHGROVE.

MY NAME IS BOBBY.

I HAVE EVERYTHING
ALL SET FOR YOU.

DO YOU HAVE LUGGAGE?

YES, IT'S IN THE LUCA
BRASI-MOBILE OUT FRONT.

OK, WELL, WE CAN TAKE
CARE OF THAT FOR YOU.

HERE ARE YOUR ROOM KEYS AND A
COPY OF ALL OF YOUR SPA ACTIVITIES.

YOU LADIES ARE
BOOKED SOLID, I SEE.

WELL, WE INTEND TO LEAVE HERE
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

YES, I'M GOING TO BE TED NUGENT.

ANYHOW, YOUR ROOMS
ARE RIGHT DOWN THIS HALL.

FRUIT AND YOGURT IS SERVED
BY THE POOL IN THE MORNINGS.

AND YOUR LUNCH AND DINNER
SEATINGS ARE ON THAT ITINERARY.

ANY QUESTIONS? YES.

WHERE CAN ONE GET A CUP
OF COFFEE AROUND HERE?

AH. WE DON'T SERVE
ANYTHING WITH CAFFEINE HERE.

AND YOU THINK THAT'S SAFE?

THANK YOU, BOBBY. WE'RE SURE WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.

MOM, THERE'S NO COFFEE.

IT WON'T KILL YOU TO GO 2
DAYS WITHOUT COFFEE, LORELAI.

NO, I THINK IT WILL.

LORELAI, JUST FOCUS ON ALL THE
PAMPERING WE'RE GOING TO HAVE.

LOOK AT ALL THE WONDERFUL
THINGS WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

OH, NO. WHAT?

OH. UM, I-I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

TH-THEY SCREWED
UP OUR APPOINTMENTS.

AGAIN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "AGAIN"?

WELL, ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE,

I CALLED TO CONFIRM OUR SCHEDULE

AND FOUND OUT THEY HAD BOOKED US SEPARATELY
FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF OUR TREATMENTS.

LUCKILY, I INSISTED ON
SPEAKING TO A MANAGER

AND WAS ABLE TO
STRAIGHTEN EVERYTHING OUT.

YES, THOSE ARE RIGHT. THEY ARE?

I EVEN HAD THEM MOVE THE PEDICURE
TUBS TOGETHER IN THE SAME ROOM

SO WE CAN TALK DURING IT.

OK, I'M REALLY GONNA
NEED A CUP OF COFFEE.

HAVE SOME CUCUMBER WATER.

NO, SEE, THAT'S
NOT GONNA DO IT...

DRINK, LORELAI.

CUCUMBER WATER. YUCK.

WOW, YOUR LUNG CAPACITY
CERTAINLY HAS IMPROVED.

WELL, I'VE BEEN PLAYING A
LOT MORE BASKETBALL LATELY.

YET ANOTHER REASON
TO CONTINUE THE FIGHT

TO KEEP PHYSICAL
EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS.

SO, TONIGHT...

YES?

I WAS THINKING... YES?

SINCE YOUR MOTHER'S GOING
TO BE GONE, MAYBE I'D COME OVER.

OH. WHAT?

ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING OF PULLING
KIND OF A HERMIT THING TONIGHT.

WHY? I DON'T KNOW.

J.D. SALINGER SEEMS TO DIG IT.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME OVER?

NO, I JUST...

I ALMOST NEVER GET
THE HOUSE ALL TO MYSELF,

AND I THOUGHT WITH MY MOM GONE,

I CAN FINALLY DO MY LAUNDRY
EXACTLY THE WAY I LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW, NOT JUST SEPARATING INTO
WHITES AND COLORS, BUT THE COLORS SEPARATED

INTO DARKS, MEDIUMS, AND LIGHTS.

WITH A SEPARATE PILE
FOR WHITE T-SHIRTS

AND T-SHIRTS WITH SOME
KIND OF WRITING ON THEM

LIKE "ROCK STAR," "EVIL,"
OR "KAFKA WAS HERE."

YOU WANT TO BE
ALONE TO DO LAUNDRY?

AND WATCH T.V, AND EAT
THE INDIAN FOOD THAT I LOVE

BUT MY MOM HATES THE SMELL OF,

AND GO TO BED EARLY, AND...

ARE YOU MAD?

WHY WOULD I BE MAD?

YOU WANT TO SPEND TONIGHT ALONE.

BUT, HEY, TOMORROW, THE
WHOLE DAY IS ALL ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN IT. FROM
MORNING TILL NIGHT.

YOU PLAN IT, OR I'LL PLAN IT

OR WE CAN GET A PROFESSIONAL
TO PLAN IT, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

JUST DON'T BE MAD.

I'M NOT.

I'M NOT MAD.

GOOD.

I'M CONFUSED, BUT I'M NOT MAD.

FINE.

I'M A SAINT, BUT I'M NOT MAD.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO, DEEP BREATH, AND...

HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE A LANDLADY. WHAT IS THIS?

I GOT ADJOINING ROOMS.

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO GO OUT IN
THE HALLWAY TO GET TO EACH OTHER.

GREAT THINKING.

GOD, THIS ROBE IS FABULOUS.

HOW DO THEY GET IT SO SOFT?

I THINK, HAVING ABOUT 40 OTHER PEOPLE
WEAR IT FIRST IS PART OF THE SECRET.

OH, STOP IT. SO
ARE YOU ALL READY

FOR OUR SKIN-REJUVENATING
AND REVITALIZING

COLLAGEN FACIAL
AND EYE TREATMENT?

ALMOST.

IT HAS VITAMIN "C" AND
PLANT EXTRACTS IN IT

WHICH IS THE HOTTEST THING
IN SKINCARE THESE DAYS.

AND THE EYE TREATMENT IS
SUPPOSED TO REDUCE PUFFINESS

AND MINIMIZE THE
APPEARANCE OF FINE LINES.

OK, NO MORE BROCHURES FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT, I'M READY. LET'S GO.

AREN'T YOU WEARING
YOUR ROBE? WHAT?

YOUR ROBE. YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO WEAR A ROBE.

OH, WELL, THEY'LL GIVE
ME ONE WHEN I GET THERE.

BUT THESE ROBES ARE WONDERFUL.

MOM. THEY HELP YOU RELAX.

WE'RE LATE, MOM.

THEY'RE WONDERFUL,
RELAXING ROBES.

OH, MY GOD.

AND YET YOU STAND THERE

LIKE IT'S SOME BADGE OF HONOR NOT TO
PUT ON YOUR ROBE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HERE.

THIS ISN'T FOR ME,
YOU KNOW. IT'S FOR YOU.

I ALREADY HAVE ON MY ROBE.

I AM ALREADY RELAXED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

WELL, HURRY UP.
WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

HAPPY?

APPARENTLY, YOU DIDN'T
SEE THE MATCHING SLIPPERS.

SO, HOW ARE WE DOING?

SO GOOD.

OK. WELL, I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU TO SIT FOR
A FEW MINUTES, SO JUST RELAX AND ENJOY

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANKS.

♪

ARE YOUR FEET SWEATING?

MOM?

THOSE BOOTIES
MAKE MY FEET SWEAT.

DON'T THEY MAKE YOUR FEET SWEAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?

MAGDA LEFT ME
SITTING FOR 20 MINUTES.

FINE TIME TO TAKE
A COFFEE BREAK.

SHE'S NOT TAKING A COFFEE BREAK.

YOUR SKIN IS SUPPOSED TO BE
ABSORBING THE MOISTURE IN YOUR MASK.

IN YOUR ROOM.

LET'S SEE WHAT'S NEXT
ON OUR AGENDA, SHALL WE?

STOP MOVING, LORELAI.
YOU'LL ELECTROCUTE YOURSELF.

OOH, THE EGYPTIAN MUD BATH.

I WONDER IF A MUD BATH IS ONE OF
THOSE THINGS YOU SEE IN BROCHURES

WHERE THEY WRAP YOU IN TOWELS
LIKE YOU'RE IN A COCOON OF SOME SORT.

THAT MIGHT BE NICE.

ESPECIALLY IF THEIR TOWELS
ARE AS GOOD AS THEIR ROBES.

BECAUSE I JUST LOVE THESE ROBES.

WONDER WHERE THEY
GET THESE ROBES.

SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO
FIND THE MANUFACTURER.

I COULD ORDER A FEW OF THEM.

ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR
YOU, AND ONE FOR RORY.

I STILL CAN'T GET OVER
IT. IT REALLY WAS MUD.

I MEAN, I KNOW IT SAID MUD BATH

BUT I DIDN'T REALLY THINK
THEY MEANT A REAL MUD BATH.

AND THE ODD THING IS, I SHOULD'VE
BEEN MORE REPULSED BY IT.

SITTING IN A TUB OF HOT DIRT,
WHICH IS BASICALLY WHAT MUD IS

SHOULD HAVE MADE ME ILL,
AND YET, I REALLY ENJOYED IT.

DID YOURS HAVE
TWIGS? MINE HAD TWIGS.

AND WHEN I ASKED THE
WOMAN ABOUT THEM,

SHE TOLD ME THEY WERE THERE
BECAUSE OF THE HEALING QUALITIES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LORELAI, STOP IT!

YOU'RE PUSHING ME.

HOW'S THE PRESSURE? TOO MUCH?

YEP.

SORRY. I'LL GO LIGHTER.

YOUR HANDS ARE AMAZING.

COMPLIMENT YOUR
MASSEUR'S HANDS, LORELAI.

OH, MY GOD.

EXCUSE ME?

NOTHING.

YOU WERE MUTTERING
UNDER YOUR BREATH.

YEARS OF EXPERIENCE HAVE
TAUGHT ME THAT WHEN YOU DO THAT,

IT'S USUALLY ABOUT ME.

MOM, YOU SIGNED US UP
FOR A COUPLE'S MASSAGE.

SO?

A COUPLE'S MASSAGE
IS FOR A COUPLE

NOT A COUPLE OF PEOPLE.

IT'S MORE EFFICIENT THIS WAY.

WE'LL BOTH BE FINISHED
AT THE SAME TIME.

MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT MOST
PEOPLE WHO GET THESE MASSAGES DO

ABOUT 5 MINUTES AFTER IT'S
OVER? THEY HAVE SEX, TOGETHER,

PROBABLY WHILE
WEARING THEIR ROBES.

COULD THE 2 OF YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A MOMENT, PLEASE? THANK YOU.

WELL, THAT WAS APPALLING.

WELL, THAT WAS TRUE.

YOU'RE JUST DETERMINED TO
SPOIL THIS, AREN'T YOU, LORELAI?

WHY, BECAUSE I WANT A
QUIET, PRIVATE MASSAGE?

YOU'VE BEEN POUTING
AND SULKING AND SIGHING.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SIGHING.

ROLLING YOUR EYES, MUMBLING.

WELL, THAT'S HOW I DETOX.

EVER SINCE YOU GOT HERE

YOU'VE MADE IT YOUR MISSION
TO BE AS MISERABLE AS POSSIBLE.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S COMPLETELY TRUE.

AND IF YOU DON'T CARE THAT
YOU'RE HURTING MY FEELINGS,

MAYBE YOU CARE THAT YOU'RE
WASTING ALL YOUR RELAXING TIME

ACTING LIKE A
PETULANT 4-YEAR-OLD.

I'M SORRY.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TRY TO
GET MYSELF ANOTHER ROOM?

NO.

I SAW A SUPPLY
CLOSET DOWN THE HALL.

MAYBE MY MASSEUR
COULD FINISH ME IN THERE.

OK, MOM.

OR PERHAPS I COULD ROLL
MYSELF AGAINST A STUCCO WALL,

ELIMINATE THE NEED FOR
A MASSEUR ALTOGETHER.

LIE DOWN, MOM, PLEASE.

IF YOU SAY SO.

LORELAI?

YES, MOM.

WOULD YOU GO GET
THE BOYS, PLEASE?

NO, THAT'S 2 ORDERS
OF GARLIC NAN,

3 SAMOSAS, AND A
CHICKEN VINDALOO.

AND RICE. AND THE GREEN SAUCE.

AND NO SALAD. AND...

OH, WAIT. SORRY, CAN
YOU HOLD ON A SEC?

HELLO?

HEY. THIS IS PHIL'S LIQUOR.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
DELIVERING A KEG THERE TONIGHT.

HOLD ON.

HI. SORRY. YEAH, THAT'S IT.

40 MINUTES. GREAT. BYE.

HEY.

WHO WAS THAT?

SANDEEP'S.

OH, YOU'RE ORDERING
THE INDIAN FOOD.

YEP. GOOD, ENJOY.

CAN YOU BURN THE
HOUSE DOWN AFTER?

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO GET THE SMELL OUT.

ABSOLUTELY. HOW'S THE SPA?

TRANQUIL. REALLY?

I WASN'T DONE.

TRANQUILIZERS, UH,
WILL BE REQUIRED

IF I HAVE TO SPEND ONE
MORE MINUTE WITH MY MOTHER.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE
TRYING TO GET ALONG WITH HER.

OH, HEY, I'M BEING
A PEACH. REALLY?

WELL, I SMELL LIKE A PEACH.

WAS THAT THE DOORBELL?

YEAH. I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

OH, WAIT. I WANNA
FIND OUT WHO IT IS.

THE SOONER YOU GET BACK TO YOUR
WEEKEND, THE SOONER IT'LL BE OVER.

BEFORE YOU GO, CAN YOU
GET OUT MY ADDRESS BOOK

AND COUNT HOW MANY
FRIENDS I HAVE? I'LL WAIT.

BYE. MEAN.

STEAL ME SOAP.

PARIS, WHAT...

I TRIED TO STAY HOME AND
STUDY MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
ANYTHING MEANS.

I CAN'T EVEN READ
MY OWN HANDWRITING.

WHAT DOES THIS SAY?

THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS
SHOULD BE DRESSED IN A CLOWN SUIT

STUFFING BODIES
UNDER THEIR PORCH.

YOU'RE IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

I KNOW.

THIS WAS THE BIG
NIGHT YOU PLANNED?

A RENDEZVOUS WITH MR. PEANUT?

WELL, I... YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.

YES.

YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY
IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

MY MOM'S OUT OF TOWN, AND I
NEVER GET THE HOUSE ALL TO MYSELF.

YOU MEAN, YOU NEVER GO MONTHS
WITHOUT SEEING YOUR PARENTS,

JUST GETTING A POSTCARD
THAT DOESN'T HAVE A COURTESY

"WISH YOU WERE
HERE" WRITTEN ON IT?

THAT DOES SUCK. DON'T
LET ME STAND IN THE WAY.

PARIS, WAIT.

NO. I DON'T WANNA
GET IN THE WAY.

I HEAR THERE'LL BE SOME
HOT KNITTING GOING ON.

FINE, I'LL STUDY WITH YOU.

YOU WILL?

FOR ONE HOUR. THAT'S IT.

WE'LL DO A QUICK REVIEW AND A POP
QUIZ, AND THEN YOU'RE GOING HOME.

DEAL? DEAL.

OK. SO, GO SIT ON THE COUCH.

I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO GO CHANGE.

OK, BUT MY HOUR DOESN'T START
TILL YOU GET BACK OUT HERE, RIGHT?

YOU READY?

WOW, YOU LOOK GREAT, MOM.

ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC?

NO, I'M BEING
COMPLETELY SERIOUS.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

THAT'S A PRETTY
COLOR. WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S CALLED "VICIOUS TROLLOP."

OH, STOP IT.

NOW, WHY WOULD YOU NAME A
LIPSTICK SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

'CAUSE "DIRTY WHORE" WAS TAKEN?

YOU FRIGHTEN ME.

WANNA TRY SOME? NO, THANK YOU.

GO ON, MOM, TRY IT.

IT WON'T LOOK GOOD ON ME.

SURE IT WILL.

ALL RIGHT, BUT IF I
LOOK RIDICULOUS...

I'LL BE THE FIRST
ONE TO POINT IT OUT.

YOU'RE A VICIOUS TROLLOP.
YOU'RE A VICIOUS TROLLOP.

LORELAI. SORRY.

WELL?

I LIKE IT.

YOU DO?

I LIKE IT, TOO.

GOOD, LET'S GO
THEN. I'M STARVING.

OH, ME, TOO. WHAT ARE THEY
SERVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

WELL, LET'S SEE.

HMM. THEY CERTAINLY DO LIKE
THEIR TOFU HERE, DON'T THEY?

AND THE WORD "STEAMED."

WELL, THEY HAVE
DESSERT AT LEAST.

COOKIES SWEETENED
WITH SPROUTED MUNG BEAN.

THAT SOUNDS DREADFUL.

YES, IT DOES.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO CHANGE, ARE YOU?

OUR SEATING'S IN 10 MINUTES.

GET YOUR COAT.

I DON'T NEED A COAT
FOR THE DINING ROOM.

WE'RE NOT GOING THERE.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

OUT. OUT WHERE?

WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE THE SPA,
FIND A RESTAURANT, AND HAVE A STEAK.

A STEAK?

WHO'S GONNA STOP US?

A STEAK.

COME ON, MOM.
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

VICIOUS TROLLOP OR THE
WIDE WORLD OF MUNG BEANS?

LET'S GO.

I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

SO, GIVEN THAT THOSE ARE THE
REACTIONS OCCURRING IN THE 2 HALF-CELLS,

WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT?

WELL, WE ADD THEM TOGETHER,
DOUBLING THE COEFFICIENTS

OF THE SILVER HALF EQUATION
BUT NOT THE VOLTAGE.

WE GET THE EQUATION FOR
THE COMPLETE REACTION.

WELL, YOU'RE IN
MUCH BETTER SHAPE

THAN YOU WANNA THINK YOU ARE.

IMPOSSIBLE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THAT'S MY FOOD.

ANOTHER HALF HOUR. PLEASE.

NO. YOU GOT YOUR
HOUR, YOU NEED TO GO.

BUT... GO.

FINE.

DELIVERY.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, LUKE FIGURED
SINCE YOU'RE ALONE,

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
FOOD IN THE HOUSE.

SO HE SENT OVER A CARE PACKAGE.

I... I DON'T NEED
A CARE PACKAGE.

I ORDERED FOOD FROM SANDEEP'S.

REALLY? PLANNING ON BURNING
DOWN THE HOUSE AFTERWARDS?

THE ONLY WAY TO KILL THE SMELL.

WHERE SHOULD I
PUT THIS? KITCHEN?

WELL, UM, SURE.

GOD, HOW MUCH FOOD IS IN THERE?

THIS COULD FEED 12.

EXCUSE ME, I'VE SEEN YOU EAT.

FINE, 6.

YEAH, WELL, HE WANTED
YOU TAKEN CARE OF.

WASN'T SURE HOW LONG
YOUR MOM WOULD BE GONE FOR.

JUST TONIGHT. OH,
HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

WELL, NOW YOU
CAN TELL HIM. I WILL.

SO, HOW COME CAESAR
DIDN'T BRING THIS OVER?

I VOLUNTEERED. WHY?

JUST WANTED TO GET OUT
OF THE CONSTRUCTION ZONE.

THERE'S NOTHING BUT
BANGIN' AND YELLIN'.

PLACE GIVES ME A HEADACHE.

WHY, DID YOU THINK I WANTED
TO COME OVER HERE AND SEE YOU?

NO. I JUST NEEDED SOME QUIET.

FINE. THAT'S ALL.

GOT IT. CLEAR MY HEAD.

I UNDERSTAND.

SO AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT?

EVENTUALLY.

IT GETS COLD FAST.

I CAN HEAT IT UP.

REHEATED FRENCH
FRIES REALLY SUCK.

THEY DO SUCK.

YEAH, SO EAT.

OK, I WILL.

YOU'RE STILL STANDING THERE.

I KNOW. YOU
DIDN'T GIVE ME A TIP.

YOU WANT MONEY?

NO. I'LL TAKE A FRY, THOUGH.

OK. YEAH. HAVE AS
MUCH AS YOU WANT.

OK, GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING READY TO EAT.

YOU'RE STAYING?

DIDN'T YOU JUST INVITE ME?

NO, I...

YOU TOLD ME TO
HAVE ALL I WANTED.

THAT SOUNDED INVITATION-LIKE.

YOU WANT TO STAY HERE AND EAT?

BEATS BEING AT LUKE'S. BUT...

I CAN'T FIND MY FLASHCARDS.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD COMPANY.

THIS IS PARIS. WE
WERE JUST STUDYING.

DON'T WORRY. I WAS JUST LEAVING.

IF YOU FIND MY
FLASHCARDS, CALL ME, OK.

NO. WHAT?

STAY FOR DINNER.

BUT I THOUGHT...

WE HAVE A TON OF FOOD

AND WE CAN GO OVER
THE NOTES MORE LATER.

YOU SURE? POSITIVE.

IS THAT MAC AND CHEESE?

SURE IS.

I LOVE MAC AND CHEESE. GREAT.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO
HAVE MAC AND CHEESE.

SPLURGE. COME ON, PARIS, STAY.

DO YOU HAVE A 24-HOUR PHARMACY

JUST IN CASE I HAVE AN ALLERGIC
REACTION TO SOMETHING?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, WE DO. OK.

CAN I BORROW YOUR
PHONE? IT'S BY THE DOOR.

INTERESTING.

WHAT IS?

YOU THINK WE NEED A CHAPERON?

NO, I DON'T.

YOU JUST INVITED ONE.

JUST BEING POLITE.

PARIS IS ALONE TONIGHT

AND YOU YOURSELF SAID
WE HAVE ENOUGH FOOD FOR 6.

WITH ME, IT'S DOWN TO 4.

WITH PARIS, IT'S DOWN TO 2.

WORKS OUT WELL.

I THINK SO.

♪ I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING ♪

♪ BUT LOVE, BABY ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING ♪

♪ THE ONLY THING ♪

MY GOODNESS, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

I BET THERE'S NO CUCUMBER
SLICES IN THE WATER HERE.

HI, THERE. PARTY OF 2.

OK. WELL, UH, I CAN TAKE YOUR NAME, BUT
I WON'T HAVE A TABLE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

OH, AN HOUR? I
CAN'T WAIT AN HOUR.

ME NEITHER. I'LL PASS OUT.

GO FIRST. YOU CAN BREAK MY FALL.

CAN WE BRIBE YOU?

SORRY.

PLEASE? SHE'S LOADED.

LORELAI!

YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF
STOOLS OPENED UP AT THE BAR

AND WE DO SERVE OUR
ENTIRE MENU THERE.

THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
THANKS. COME ON.

WE CAN'T EAT DINNER AT A BAR.

I DON'T WANNA WAIT AN HOUR.

I'M WEARING THE WRONG
SHOES FOR A DRIVE-THRU.

WHAT'LL PEOPLE THINK?

THAT WE'RE LOOSE WOMEN
WITH QUESTIONABLE MORALS.

IT'S NOT RIGHT TO EAT DINNER WHEN
YOUR FEET DON'T TOUCH THE FLOOR.

WHAT CAN I GET YOU LADIES?

HI, STEVE. NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE WILL HAVE 2 MARTINIS?

WHY NOT?

2 VODKA MARTINIS STRAIGHT UP
WITH A TWIST, VERY DRY, VERY COLD

AND A COUPLE OF MENUS, PLEASE.

AND SOME PEANUTS.

OH, PEANUTS. GOOD IDEA.

HERE YOU GO. I'LL
GET YOUR DRINKS.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE
A GOOD MAN, STEVE.

OK, I'M THINKING STEAK AND CAESAR
SALAD, IF IT'S NOT TOO ANCHOVY-Y.

HEY, DO YOU WANNA SPLIT A
SHRIMP COCKTAIL TO START?

THAT SOUNDS FINE.

UH, I JUST LOVE THE
IDEA OF SHRIMP COCKTAIL

WITH A STEAK DINNER, YOU KNOW?

IT'S SO CASINO, BIG
JOE, STEAK AND SHRIMP.

HEY, SAVE SOME FOR WINTER.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW
WONDERFUL PEANUTS WERE BEFORE.

WANT A REFILL?

OH, YES, PLEASE.

CHEERS, MOM.

CHEERS.

I MUST TELL YOU, I
NEVER EXPECTED THIS.

WHAT?

ME INHALING PEANUTS
AT A SINGLES BAR.

THIS ISN'T A SINGLES BAR, MOM.

IT'S A 60-40 BAR.

A WHAT?

60-YEAR-OLD MEN HITTING
ON 40-YEAR-OLD WOMEN.

DIVORCEES, MOSTLY. REALLY?

LOOK AROUND.

HMM.

OH, NOW, SHE CAN
DO BETTER THAN THAT.

WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM?

BIG WILL, SHORT LIFE
SPAN. THE USUAL DRAW.

HEY, MOM.

I WONDER IF THEY
HAVE PRETZELS, TOO.

DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT I THINK YOU'RE
PASSING FOR A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

WHAT?

2:00, SILVER FOX, TOTALLY
CHECKING YOU OUT.

OH, HE IS NOT.

WELL, HE'S NOT STARING AT STEVE.

YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

HE'S DEFINITELY
NOT LOOKING AT ME.

HE'S STILL LOOKING.

DRINK YOUR MARTINI, LORELAI.

A TRAGIC WASTE OF PAPER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU JUST SAID THAT.

WELL, IT'S TRUE.

THE BEATS' WRITING WAS
COMPLETELY SELF-INDULGENT.

I HAVE ONE WORD FOR
JACK KEROUAC: EDIT.

IT WAS NOT SELF-INDULGENT. THE
BEATS BELIEVED IN SHOCKING PEOPLE,

STIRRING THINGS UP.

THEY BELIEVED IN DRUGS,
BOOZE, AND PETTY CRIME.

WELL, THEN THEY EXPOSE YOU TO A WORLD
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE OTHERWISE KNOWN.

ISN'T IT WHAT GREAT
WRITING'S ABOUT?

IT WASN'T GREAT WRITING.

IT WAS THE NATIONAL
ENQUIRER OF THE '50s.

YOU'RE CRACKED.
TYPICAL GUY RESPONSE.

WORSHIP KEROUAC AND BUKOWSKI.

GOD FORBID YOU PICK UP
ANYTHING BY JANE AUSTEN.

HEY, I'VE READ JANE AUSTEN.

YOU HAVE?

YEAH. AND I THINK SHE
WOULD HAVE LIKED BUKOWSKI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SALT AND PEPPERED IT.

ONLY WAY TO EAT A FRY. REALLY?

IT'S FAST-FOOD GOSPEL.

MMM.

THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S
REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

DO YOU LIKE HOT SAUCE?

I DON'T KNOW. SHOULD I?

I THINK IT'S WISE.

HELLO?

HEY.

OH, HEY. WHERE ARE YOU?

ON MY WAY TO SEE
YOU, IF THAT'S OK.

OH, WELL...

I KNOW YOU WANNA BE
ALONE. I'LL ONLY STAY A MINUTE.

I JUST WANT TO SAY HI.

BUT YOU SAID HI.

WELL, I WANT TO SAY
HI A LITTLE CLOSER.

BUT I'M A MESS.

REALLY. IT'S NOT PRETTY.
YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE ME.

WELL, THEN PUT A NAMETAG
ON, 'CAUSE I MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU, TOO, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

BUT PARIS IS HERE.

WHY?

SHE FREAKED OUT ABOUT A GRADE
AND SHE WANTED TO GO OVER NOTES.

AND YOU KNOW HER,
SHE WILL NOT BE DENIED.

OK, I'M NOT REALLY RUINING YOUR
ALONE NIGHT. SOMEONE ELSE DID THAT.

YES, BUT...

I'LL SEE YOU IN A SEC.

CAN'T GET INTO POETRY.

IT'S LIKE, "JEEZ, JUST SAY IT
ALREADY. WE'RE DYING HERE."

WELL, I JUST NOTICED THE TIME,
AND IT'S GETTING REALLY LATE.

IT'S 7:00.

I KNOW, BUT PARIS AND I STILL
HAVE A LOT MORE STUDYING TO DO.

JESS, PLEASE THANK LUKE FOR ME.

IT WAS REALLY NICE OF HIM.

WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE?

NO ONE.

"NO ONE" WOULDN'T BE
HEADING OVER HERE, WOULD HE?

WHAT'S GOING ON? NOTHING.

DEAN'S ON HIS WAY, AND RORY
DOESN'T WANT HIM TO FIND ME.

WHY? YEAH, WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY.

WE'RE JUST EATING DINNER.

JESS, I'M ASKING
YOU AS A FRIEND.

JUST PLEASE LEAVE NOW.

YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GO?

I REALLY WANT TO
AVOID A FIGHT WITH DEAN.

OK, I'M GOING.

THANK YOU.

WHAT?

I JUST TWISTED MY ANKLE.

I BETTER GO LIE DOWN.

JESS.

GOD, YOU'RE NO FUN
WHEN YOU'RE TENSE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO GO?

'CAUSE MAYBE THIS CAN BE
SOLVED BETWEEN ME AND DEAN

IF WE SAT DOWN, HAD A
LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART.

HE COULD TELL ME HIS
ISSUES, I'LL TELL HIM MINE.

JESS. I PROMISE
I'LL SPEAK SLOWLY.

BYE.

OK, WELL, GIVE HIM
MY BEST, WOULD YOU?

ACTUALLY, I GUESS I
COULD DO THAT MYSELF.

DEAN, JESS JUST CAME BY
TO BRING ME SOME FOOD.

FROM LUKE'S.

HE WANTED TO MAKE SURE I ATE.

LUKE DID. RIGHT, LUKE DID.

PERSONALLY, I COULD
CARE LESS IF SHE EATS.

YEAH, TRUE, HE COULD CARE LESS.

I SEE YOU BROUGHT A
LITTLE SOMETHING, TOO.

I-IS THAT ICE CREAM?
THAT'S SO NICE.

A TINY LITTLE ICE-CREAM
PACKAGE JUST BIG ENOUGH FOR 2.

HEY, ARE YOU GUYS
GONNA FEED EACH OTHER?

'CAUSE THAT'S JUST SO DARN CUTE.

OH, YOU'RE DOING THAT
TOWERING-OVER-ME THING, HUH?

I TELL YOU, YOU'VE
REALLY GOT THAT DOWN.

IT HELPS THAT
YOU'RE 12 FEET TALL.

BUT THIS FRANKENSTEIN SCOWL
REALLY ADDS TO THE WHOLE...

JESS!

OK, I'M GOING.

LOOK, MAN, I... I REALLY WAS
JUST DROPPING OFF SOME FOOD,

SO DON'T GET ALL WEST
SIDE STORY ON ME, OK?

SO, DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

DEAN, YOU REMEMBER PARIS, RIGHT?

YEAH, HI.

SO JESS JUST
DROPPED THIS OFF, HUH?

OH, WELL...

NOW, I KNOW YOU EAT FAST,

BUT THIS IS A LOT OF FOOD
TO PUT AWAY THAT QUICKLY

EVEN ON YOUR BEST DAY.

OK, SO HE DIDN'T
JUST DROP IT OFF.

YOU TOLD ME YOU
WERE DOING LAUNDRY.

I WAS.

AND NOW YOU'RE HERE WITH JESS.

AND PARIS. JESS, RORY!

WELL, I... I SWEAR, I DIDN'T...

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T KNOW
HE WAS COMING OVER?

I DIDN'T.

YOU ALSO DIDN'T KNOW HE'D STAY?

IT JUST HAPPENED.

HOW DOES THAT JUST HAPPEN?

WELL, HE WAS...

AND THE DINER, THE
DINER WAS... AND I...

AND YOU WHAT?
WHAT? SAY SOMETHING!

STOP YELLING.

YOU TOTALLY LIED TO ME.

I DIDN'T.

TURN THE SITUATION
AROUND. HOW'S IT LOOKING?

IT'S LOOKING COMPLICATED AND
I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

THAT'S CRAP.

IT'S MY FAULT.

WHAT?

IT'S MY FAULT THAT
JESS WAS HERE.

I SAW HIM IN THE DINER THE
DAY I CAME TO STARS HOLLOW,

AND I THOUGHT HE WAS
CUTE, AND SINCE I'M NOT GREAT

AT THE "BATTING THE EYELASHES,
LOOK AT MY BELLY SHIRT" KIND OF THING,

I ASKED RORY TO HELP ME.

I THOUGHT IF SHE COULD
MAYBE GET HIM OVER HERE,

WE'D HAVE A CHANCE TO
TALK AND I DON'T KNOW.

IT SEEMS TOTALLY STUPID NOW,

AND IT OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T WORK,
SHOCK, BUT THAT'S WHY HE WAS HERE.

THANKS FOR TRYING
TO COVER FOR ME.

THAT'S OK.

ANYWAY, I SHOULD GET GOING.

I'M PROBABLY GONNA BREAK OUT IN
SOME SORT OF RASH ANY SECOND NOW.

SO PARIS LIKES JESS.

YEAH.

RORY, IS THIS TRUE?

YES, IT IS.

PARIS AND JESS?

I KNOW. THERE'S NO
EXPLAINING ATTRACTION.

DEAN, LISTEN TO ME.

IF I WAS GOING TO HAVE
ANYONE OVER TONIGHT,

IT DEFINITELY WOULD
HAVE BEEN YOU.

OK.

REALLY?

WELL, IF YOU SAY SO, THEN I
HAVE TO BELIEVE IT, DON'T I?

YES.

OK, THEN.

SORRY THAT I YELLED.

COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED
UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

I GOTTA GET GOING.

NO, WAIT.

DON'T YOU WANNA
STAY FOR ICE CREAM?

WE COULD HANG OUT.

NO, I'M JUST GONNA GO.

I'M STILL SEEING YOU
TOMORROW, RIGHT?

YEAH, SURE.

HEY.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT?

THAT. THE STORY. THE SAVE.

YOU HELPED ME. WHY
WOULD YOU DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST CAME OUT.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU DID.

IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

NO, IT WAS A VERY BIG DEAL.

IT WAS A HUGE DEAL.

WELL, YOU HELPED ME TONIGHT
WHEN YOU DIDN'T WANT TO,

SO I OWED YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OK, WELL, I'LL LET YOU GET
BACK TO YOUR ALONE NIGHT.

YOU SHOULD STAY.

STAY? YEAH.

WE COULD HANG OUT,
MAYBE WATCH SOME T.V.

YOU CAN EVEN SPEND THE NIGHT IF YOU
DON'T WANT TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY BACK.

SPEND THE NIGHT?
LIKE A SLUMBER PARTY?

SORT OF.

YOU'RE JUST DOING THIS 'CAUSE
I LIED TO DEAN FOR YOU, RIGHT?

I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE IT'S
WHAT YOU DO WITH FRIENDS.

WE'RE FRIENDS?

I'M NOT SURE IF THERE'S AN EXACT
DEFINITION FOR WHAT WE ARE,

BUT I DO THINK IT
FALLS SOMEWHERE

IN THE BIZARRO
FRIENDS-ISH REALM.

COME ON, STAY.

OK.

BUT IF YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS SO
YOU CAN FREEZE MY BRA, I'LL KILL YOU.

DULY NOTED.

THIS IS EITHER THE GREATEST
STEAK I'VE EVER EATEN

OR I'M SO HUNGRY, I'M DELIRIOUS.

PASS THE HORSERADISH, PLEASE.

I NEVER KNEW YOU
WERE A SPICY GIRL.

OH, BELIEVE ME, I
CAN HANDLE MY HEAT.

ONE SUMMER WHEN
WE WERE FIRST MARRIED,

YOUR FATHER AND I STAYED
IN THIS VILLAGE IN THAILAND

WHERE WE SPENT 2 WEEKS
EATING VICIOUSLY HOT CHILIES

AND SKINNY-DIPPING.

STOP, MOM.

OH, YOU COULDN'T PUT YOUR
CLOTHES ON AFTER EATING THOSE.

STOP IT! I LIKE TO THINK OF
PARENTS THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR MY
FAVORITE PART OF THE EVENING:

OUR SALUTE TO THE
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD.

I SURE HOPE THAT'S
NOT B-O-R-E-D.

♪ COME ON AND FLY WITH ME ♪

♪ LET'S FLY ♪

♪ LET'S FLY AWAY ♪

MOM?

YES?

REMEMBER THE MAN WHO
WASN'T STARING AT YOU?

HE WASN'T STARING AT ME.

OK. WELL, HE'S COMING OVER.

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME. I HOPE
I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

BUT I COULDN'T HELP
BUT NOTICE THAT YOU TWO

ARE HAVING MORE
FUN THAN ANYONE HERE.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE. WE ARE.

WELL, GOOD.

I'VE COME TO THE
RIGHT PLACE. HI, I'M CHAD.

HI, CHAD. I'M LORELAI.

THIS IS MY MOTHER, EMILY.

YOUR MOTHER?

CHAD, IF YOUR NEXT
WORDS OF YOUR MOUTH ARE,

"YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE OLD
ENOUGH TO BE HER MOTHER,"

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CAUSE
YOU SEVERE PHYSICAL PAIN.

EMILY, DO YOU SHARE THIS
RATHER EXTREME OPINION?

I THINK I'LL STAY OUT OF IT.

IN THAT CASE, LET ME JUST SAY THAT
I THINK YOU LOOK MORE LIKE SISTERS

THAN MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

I WENT FOR A VARIATION.

I'LL LET IT SLIDE THIS TIME.

SO YOU TWO LOCAL
OR JUST VISITING?

VISITING.

MOM'S FROM HARTFORD,
AND I'M FROM...

HARTFORD? GREAT
TOWN. GREAT TOWN.

LITTLE OF THE OLD,
LITTLE OF THE NEW.

YOU LIKE LIVING THERE?

WELL, YES, I DO.

AND HOW ABOUT YOU,
CHAD? WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

HERE.

AND BY HERE, I MEAN
THIS VERY BAR STOOL.

WOW. ADMITTING RIGHT OFF THE BAT
THAT YOU SPEND YOUR LIFE IN A BAR.

DO YOU FIND THAT PEOPLE
ARE IMPRESSED BY THAT?

UNTIL NOW.

OH, I LOVE THIS SONG.

IT'S A GREAT SONG FOR DANCING.

YES, IT IS.

HELP ME OUT HERE, WILL YOU?

I THINK HE'S ASKING
YOU TO DANCE, MOM.

WHAT? OH, NO,
I... I... I COULDN'T.

RUMOR HAS IT YOU LOVE THIS SONG.

OH, WELL, YES,
BUT I DON'T DANCE.

OH, COME ON, I
CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

AND I SHOULDN'T LEAVE
MY DAUGHTER ALONE.

THAT'S OK. THE SITTER
WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

REALLY. I'M SERIOUS. YOU
SHOULD ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

IS IT MY DANCING?

BECAUSE YOU TWO CAN WORK
OUT SOME "SAVE ME" SIGNAL

IN CASE I REALLY EMBARRASS YOU.

GO AHEAD, MOM. IT'LL BE FUN.

COME ON, THE SONG'S ALMOST OVER.

YOU'LL HARDLY HAVE TO
SPEND ANY TIME AT ALL WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT.

♪ PLEASE BE TRUE ♪

♪ IN OTHER WORDS ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ IN OTHER WORDS ♪

♪ PLEASE BE TRUE ♪

♪ IN OTHER WORDS ♪

HEY, YOUR MOM LOOKS
GOOD OUT THERE.

YEAH, SHE SURE DOES.

♪

♪ THERE'S A SOMEBODY ♪

♪ I'M LONGING TO SEE ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT HE ♪

♪ TURNS OUT TO BE ♪

♪ SOMEONE TO WATCH ♪

♪ OVER ME ♪

I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO GO.

MOM?

♪ I'M A LITTLE LAMB ♪

MOM, WHAT'S WRONG?

WE'RE LEAVING.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.

DOING WHAT?

FRATERNIZING WITH OTHER MEN.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I PRACTICALLY CHEATED
ON YOUR FATHER.

YOU DID NOT CHEAT ON DAD.

I DANCED WITH ANOTHER MAN.

YOU'VE DANCED WITH
OTHER MEN BEFORE.

NOT LIKE THAT, NOT WITHOUT
YOUR FATHER PRESENT.

OH, MOM, IT WAS JUST A
DANCE. YOU WERE HAVING FUN.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.
HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND A COAT?

MOM, YOU DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING WRONG.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I LET YOU TAKE ME
TO THIS CHOPHOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I DON'T GO TO CHOPHOUSES.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

NEED FOOD NOW?

AND I CERTAINLY
DON'T EAT AT BARS.

HOOKERS EAT AT BARS.

ONLY IF THEY CAN'T GET A TABLE.

YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

YOU KNEW THIS WHOLE EVENING MADE ME
UNCOMFORTABLE AND YET YOU KEPT PUSHING.

I WAS TRYING TO DO
EVERYTHING RIGHT.

YOU MANIPULATED ME INTO
TAKING THIS TRIP AND STILL I CAME.

YOU TOLD ME I WAS ACTING LIKE A
TEENAGER SO I TRIED TO BE NICER.

YOU SAID YOU NEEDED TO
EAT SO I MADE THAT HAPPEN.

YES, BY SITTING ME AT A BAR
WHERE YOU PRACTICALLY FORCED ME

TO ENGAGE IN
INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.

WHAT?

YOU LET ME GET 60-40'D.

YOU ARE CRAZY. DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WE WERE HAVING DINNER, MOM,

A NICE DINNER. WE WERE TALKING.

HELL, WE WERE HAVING FUN.

OH, SO WATCHING YOUR MOTHER
MAKE AN ASS OF HERSELF IS FUN FOR YOU.

GOD, YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
RIGHT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP

IF YOU DON'T WANNA LET YOUR
GUARD DOWN ONCE IN A WHILE

AND JUST BE NORMAL.

THERE'S A WAY FOR A MOTHER TO
BEHAVE IN FRONT OF HER DAUGHTER.

I'M SORRY IF YOU DON'T
LIKE IT, BUT THAT'S HOW IT IS.

COME IN.

I CALLED THE BELLMAN
TO GET THE BAGS.

HE SAID IT WOULD BE
AROUND 10 MINUTES.

THANK YOU FOR
AGREEING TO LEAVE EARLY.

NO PROBLEM.

I GUESS THIS WHOLE THING
WAS A SILLY IDEA ANYWAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUSHED IT.

WE CAN'T EVEN GET THROUGH
A DINNER WITHOUT A FIGHT.

WHAT WAS I THINKING, PUTTING
US TOGETHER FOR A WEEKEND?

IT WAS A NICE THOUGHT, MOM.

YES, WELL, I GUESS IT IS THE
THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, ISN'T IT?

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT, UM, I
CAN JUST BRING OUR BAGS DOWN.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT THAT HEAVY.

AND THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS FINE.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE
WHAT YOU AND RORY HAVE?

RORY AND I ARE DIFFERENT, MOM.

WE'RE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.
YOU'RE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER.

IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT DIFFERENT.

IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IT COULDN'T BE MORE DIFFERENT.

BUT WHY?

I GREW UP IN A
DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT.

YOU MEAN AN
OPPRESSIVE ENVIRONMENT.

NO, MOM, I MEAN A
DIFFERENT ENVIRONMENT.

AND PLUS, I WAS SO
YOUNG WHEN I HAD RORY.

SO BECAUSE I WAITED UNTIL
I WAS GROWN AND MARRIED

I CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP
WITH MY DAUGHTER.

NO.

WELL, THEN, WHY?

RORY AND I ARE
BEST FRIENDS, MOM.

WE ARE BEST FRIENDS FIRST AND
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER SECOND.

AND YOU AND I ARE MOTHER
AND DAUGHTER ALWAYS.

I WASN'T TAUGHT TO BE BEST
FRIENDS WITH MY DAUGHTER.

I KNOW.

I WAS TAUGHT TO BE A ROLE
MODEL FOR MY DAUGHTER.

I KNOW THAT, TOO.

I DID WHAT I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT,

I DID WHAT I THOUGHT I
HAD TO DO TO PROTECT YOU.

AND BECAUSE OF THIS,
WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP.

OH, MOM, WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

WE DO?

WHAT? WHAT IS OUR RELATIONSHIP?

W-WELL, W-WE...

EXACTLY.

MAYBE AN INTENSE WEEKEND
TOGETHER WAS NOT THE BEST IDEA FOR US.

MAYBE WE NEED TO START
WITH SOMETHING SIMPLER.

LIKE WHAT? A BRISK
WALK AROUND THE BLOCK?

NO, I HATE EXERCISE.

OH, WELL, AS LONG AS
YOU FIND THIS AMUSING.

MOM.

COME ON, THERE HAS
TO BE SOMETHING ELSE.

SOMETHING SMALL.

LIKE WHAT?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

LORELAI, COME BACK HERE.

YOU DON'T JUST WALK
OUT ON A PERSON.

THAT'S RUDE.

THAT'S A ROBE.

YES. THIS IS MY ROBE.

AND I WANT YOU TO GO INTO
YOUR ROOM AND GET YOUR ROBE.

AND THEN, EXACTLY
AT THE SAME TIME,

WE'RE GONNA SHOVE THESE
ROBES IN OUR SUITCASES

AND WE'RE GONNA WALK OUT
THAT DOOR AND LEAVE WITH THEM.

THAT'S STEALING.

YES, IT IS.

YOU WANT ME TO STEAL? THAT'S
HOW WE'RE GOING TO BOND?

MOM, YOU LOVE THIS ROBE.

YOU'VE TALKED ABOUT NOTHING
BUT THIS ROBE SINCE WE GOT HERE.

SO THIS ROBE WILL BE
SYMBOLIC OF OUR TRIP TOGETHER.

BUT THAT'S CRAZY.

AS SOON AS THEY CHECK THE ROOM,
THEY'LL KNOW THE ROBES ARE GONE.

THEN THEY'LL CHARGE
OUR CREDIT CARD.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE
LITTLE TAG ON THE HANGER SAYS.

WELL, THE LITTLE TAG ON
THE HANGER COULD BE RIGHT,

OR THE LITTLE TAG
COULD JUST BE THERE

TRYING TO SCARE US
AWAY FROM TRYING.

EITHER WAY, WHETHER WE
GET AWAY WITH IT OR NOT,

IT'S SOMETHING
WE DID. YOU AND I.

YOU'RE SERIOUS.

I'M FOLDING THIS ROBE UP.

LORELAI.

I'M PUTTING THIS ROBE IN MY BAG.

THAT'S LUNACY.

I AM ZIPPING UP THE BAG
THAT CONTAINS THE ROBE.

I HAVE A PERFECTLY
GOOD ROBE AT HOME.

NOW, THE ONLY QUESTION IS,

AM I DOING IT ALONE?

DID YOU EVER STEAL
A ROBE WITH RORY?

NO, RORY WOULD NEVER STEAL.

SHE'S FAR TOO MORAL FOR THAT.

YOU, HOWEVER, VICIOUS TROLLOP,

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

I SHOULD HAVE MY HEAD EXAMINED.

WE'LL MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
WHEN WE GET BACK.

YOU DO KNOW IN THE
COURSE OF ONE NIGHT,

YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO
AN ADULTERER AND A THIEF.

I'LL HAVE YOU WORKING AT THE CHICKEN
RANCH BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS.

YOU ACTUALLY GOT GRANDMA
TO STEAL A BATHROBE?

ALTHOUGH I DID CATCH HER TRYING TO
RETURN IT WHILE I WAS GETTING THE CAR.

STILL. I KNOW.

ONE STEP FORWARD,
5,000 STEPS BACK.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
THE SPASTIC POLKA.

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU DONE?

NO, SORRY, NOT YET.

SO YOU'RE GONNA EAT
HALF A PIECE OF BACON

THAT'S BEEN SITTING
THERE FOR 10 MINUTES?

OF COURSE YOU MUST BE IF
YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE NOT DONE.

BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY
THING LEFT IN FRONT OF YOU.

UNLESS YOU EAT PLATES. GO AWAY.

YOU'RE HOGGING THE TABLE.

IF YOU KEEP IT UP, I'M
ORDERING SECONDS.

FINE.

SO PARIS LOOKED A LITTLE
GREEN THIS MORNING.

YEAH, SHE HAD A SUGAR-CARB
HANGOVER OF MONUMENTAL PROPORTIONS.

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IT,

BUT IT TAKES YEARS OF
TRAINING TO EAT THE WAY WE DO.

DON'T I KNOW IT.

SO WHAT'S ON THE
AGENDA FOR TODAY?

LET'S SEE, DEAN, DEAN, AND...

AND, OH, DID I MENTION DEAN?

WOW, HE MUST HAVE BEEN
CRAZY MAD LAST NIGHT.

I'D SAY THAT WAS A
FAIR ASSESSMENT.

I GOTTA GET TO THE INN.

OK. WELL, I'M PROBABLY GONNA
HAVE DINNER WITH DEAN, SO...

I'LL HAVE THE HOUSE
TO MYSELF TONIGHT.

LIFE'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

I SIMPLY CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.

I'LL GET THE CHECK.

THANKS, HON.

HEY, LUKE.

WHAT, YOU FIND A
NAIL IN YOUR FOOD?

I SWEAR TO GOD,
TOM, YOU ARE DEAD.

YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH THE FOOD, LUKE.

OH. SORRY, TOM.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU.

YEAH. FOR WHAT?

FOR THE CARE PACKAGE.
THAT WAS SWEET OF YOU.

WHAT CARE PACKAGE?

HEY, LUKE, I THINK THEY
HIT THE WATER LINE AGAIN.

WHAT? TOM, YOU ARE
DEAD. YOU HEAR ME? DEAD!

HUH. INTERESTING.

HEY, YOU WANNA PAY?

I DON'T THINK LUKE KNEW
ABOUT THE FOOD LAST NIGHT.

THAT'LL BE $12.50.

THAT MEANS YOU LIED
ABOUT WHY YOU CAME OVER.

I DON'T HAVE ANY QUARTERS.
I'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU NICKELS.

WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.
COME AGAIN SOON.

YOU WANTED TO COME OVER.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

YOU'RE SQUIRMING. I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU SQUIRM. IT'S ENTERTAINING.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

DEAN, HEY. HEY.

RORY'S JUST INSIDE PAYING.

SHE'S COMING OUT
TO MEET YOU AFTER.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA
SPEND THE DAY TOGETHER.

THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH, IT IS.

SO, LISTEN, RORY TOLD ME
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

SHE FEELS JUST
TERRIBLE ABOUT IT.

I KNOW.

GOOD. YOU SHOULD.

'CAUSE IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE
FREAKY, UNFORTUNATE THINGS

THAT HAPPENS.

FREAKY AND UNFORTUNATE. YEAH.

SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH
JESS COMING OVER, BELIEVE ME.

SHE DID NOT WANT HIM THERE.

THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME.

RORY WOULDN'T LIE, RIGHT?

NO, RORY WOULDN'T LIE.