Gilmore Girls (2000–2007): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Bracebridge Dinner - full transcript

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT MOUTH?

UM, IT'S NOT VERY MOUTH-LIKE.

OH, I THINK IT WORKS.

IT'S TILTED TO THE SIDE.

YEAH, NO. IT... IT
WAS INTENTIONAL.

IT GIVES HER A
UNIQUE EXPRESSION.

LIKE SHE HAD A STROKE? FINE.

I'LL USE THE MRS.
POTATO HEAD LIPS.

NO, FORGET IT.
LEAVE STROKE-MOUTH.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING
TO WIN THIS, ANYWAY.

WHOA, BAD ATTITUDE.

MOM, FACE IT.

THAT IS THE SINGLE MOST INCREDIBLE
SNOWMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN.

I'M SORRY, THAT SNOWMAN IS WAY
OVER THE TOP. WAY TOO SHOWY.

IT'S SCREAMING, "I'M INCREDIBLE.
I'M SPECIAL. LOOK AT ME."

KIND OF THE POINT OF A
SNOWMAN-BUILDING CONTEST.

I HATE THIS MAN WITH
EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

HE LOOKS NICE. HE'S A RINGER.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE?

SOMEONE RECRUITED HIM,
PROMISED HIM A HANDSOME SUM,

FINANCED HIS THEATRICAL
SNOWMAN ACCOUTREMENTS

SO HE COULD SNATCH VICTORY
AWAY FROM A DESERVING LOCAL

IN ORDER TO BAG THE
CONTEST PRIZE FOR HIMSELF.

SEEMS A LITTLE ELABORATE CONSIDERING THAT
THE PRIZE IS A SET OF NEW U.S. QUARTERS.

OH, WE'RE IGNORING HIM NOW.

SO, WHAT ARE WE DOING
ON YOUR SCHOOL BREAK?

A LOT OF NOTHING. SOUNDS GOOD.

PLUS SOME HOMEWORK.
AND A LOT OF MOVIES.

OH, WE HAVE TO RENT
GODFATHER III ON D.V.D.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

IN THE AUDIO COMMENTARY,

COPPOLA ACTUALLY
DEFENDS CASTING SOFIA.

NOW THAT IS FATHERLY LOVE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS
HOMEWORK YOU HAVE TO DO?

JUST STUFF FOR THE PAPER.

WHAT? WHY?

BECAUSE PARIS WANTS THE FIRST
ISSUE BACK TO BE A DOUBLE ISSUE.

SO WE HE HAVE TO
PREP OVER BREAK.

AND SHE SAYS THE
NEWS NEVER SLEEPS.

WHAT ABOUT PARIS,
DOES PARIS EVER SLEEP?

I THINK SHE PERIODICALLY MAKES A
WHIRRING NOISE AND THEN SHUTS DOWN.

YOU CAN'T WORK THE WHOLE TIME.

I WON'T. I PROMISE.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT?

HE'S POWER BUFFING.

OH, NOW, THAT IS JUST WRONG.

WE'RE COMPETING AGAINST
THE MICHELANGELO OF SNOW.

AND WE'RE "ERNEST
BUILDS A SNOWMAN."

WE SHOULDN'T LOOK
AT HIM ANYMORE.

HEADS DOWN. STAY FOCUSED.

WE CAN DO THIS. ABSOLUTELY.

MARTHA, OVER HERE!

LET'S GET SOME COFFEE?
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

♪

♪ IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ FEELING LONELY, AND SO COLD ♪

♪ ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS CALL MY NAME ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW, OH ♪

♪ WHERE YOU LEAD,
I WILL FOLLOW ♪

♪ ANYWHERE THAT YOU TELL ME TO ♪

♪ IF YOU NEED, YOU
NEED ME TO BE WITH YOU ♪

♪ I WILL FOLLOW WHERE YOU LEAD ♪

YES, YOU CAN RENT
A CAR IN MANHATTAN

AND RETURN IT IN HARTFORD.

THAT'S... THAT'S
NO PROBLEM, SIR.

YES.

YES, YOU CAN RETURN IT
TO BRADLEY INTERNATIONAL.

THAT'S...

THAT'S VERY
CONVENIENT, OR YOU...

YOU CAN, UH...
YOU... HOLD, PLEASE.

STOP THAT.

STOP WHAT?

STOP JUMPING LIKE
A MEXICAN BEAN.

LORELAI ASKED ME TO
DUST THE PICTURE FRAMES.

HOW DO YOU SUGGEST I
CLEAN THE TOPS, SMARTY?

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU COULD DO THAT.

YES, I AM MIRACULOUSLY
TALENTED, AREN'T I?

I THOUGHT AN ALARM WOULD GO OFF,

LIKE IN THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR.

THAT WOULD BE IF
THIS WAS A MUSEUM

AND YOU WERE A MAN
ALLOWED IN MUSEUMS.

HEY.

NO BICKERING IN THE LOBBY, GUYS.

WHERE ARE WE ALLOWED TO BICKER?

YOU'VE GOT ALL THE MUSHROOMS?
YOU DOUBLE-CHECKED?

I'VE TRIPLE-CHECKED.
I'VE QUADRUPLE-CHECKED.

THE SHIITAKE, THE
NAMEKO, THE CHANTERELLE?

ONCE AGAIN, I'VE GOT IT ALL.

THE MATSUTAKE? THE MAKINIA?

UH, WAIT. WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE MAKINIA.
YOU DON'T HAVE MAKINIA?

DON'T HAVE MAKINIA.

I MADE IT UP. YOU
PASSED THE TEST.

DON'T TEST ME.

HEY, THE AUDITIONS ARE
STARTING. YOU WANNA COME WATCH?

OH, YES. AUDITIONS FOR WHAT?

MUSICIANS. FOR THE
BRACEBRIDGE DINNER.

GEEZ, YOU GUYS ARE GOING
CRAZY WITH THIS DINNER.

JACKSON, I TOLD YOU, THIS
DINNER IS NOT JUST ABOUT FOOD.

WE ARE RECREATING AN
AUTHENTIC 19TH-CENTURY MEAL.

THE SERVERS WILL BE
IN PERIOD CLOTHING,

AND THERE'RE GONNA
SPEAK PERIOD ENGLISH.

HERE, LOOK AT THE
COSTUMES. NICE.

WE'RE TALKING 7 COURSES HERE.

SOUP, FISH, PEACOCK PIE,
THE BARON OF BEEF, THE SALAD,

THEN THE PLUM PUDDING,
AND THE WASSAIL.

AND THERE'S GONNA BE
A BIG RAISED PLATFORM

WHERE THE SQUIRE OF BRACEBRIDGE

IS GOING TO PRESIDE
OVER THE FESTIVITIES.

YEAH, HE TASTES THE FOODS
AND MAKES PRONOUNCEMENTS.

HE'S LIKE THE HOST
OF THE EVENING,

AND HIS COSTUME IS THE COOLEST.

IT ALL SOUNDS GREAT.

OH, IT IS. IT IS.

BY THE WAY, YOU'RE
PLAYING SQUIRE BRACEBRIDGE.

READY?

LET'S GO. YEAH.

HUH? WHAT... WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT TODAY?

OK, THIS IS THE
LAST ON OUR LIST.

WE'VE ALREADY GOT OUR
TRUMPETS, OUR MADRIGAL SINGERS.

UH, SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT I'M
NOT PLAYING SQUIRE BRACEBRIDGE.

WE'VE GOT OUR SERVERS LINED UP.

THIS IS JUST FOR RECORDER
PLAYERS AND HARPISTS.

HI, UH, LAY SOME ON US, GUYS.

HEY, YOU CATS REALLY KNOW
HOW TO BLOW THOSE THINGS.

YOU'VE GOT THE GIG.

I'LL CALL LATER WITH
THE DETAILS. THANKS.

SO, ARE WE CLEAR ON THIS?

I'M NOT PLAYING
SQUIRE BRACEBRIDGE.

SORRY YOU WERE UNDER THE
IMPRESSION THAT I'D DO THIS.

WHEN DO THE GUESTS ARRIVE?

THURSDAY AT 4:00
ON THEIR OWN JET.

AFTER BUYING OUT THE WHOLE INN.

MUST BE NICE TO HAVE MONEY.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
STRUCK ME TODAY?

THE FACT THAT I'M NOT THE
SQUIRE? DID THAT STRIKE YOU?

WE ARE CRAZY FOR DOING THIS.

WE ARE BEYOND CRAZY.

WE'RE "ANNE HECHE SPEAKING
HER SECRET LANGUAGE TO GOD

AND LOOKING FOR THE
SPACESHIP IN FRESNO" CRAZY.

OH, OQUINIS NO-GOODO NOTO.

IL ECNATRA DOS GUIDAN.

AND SPRINGING THIS ON
ME AT THE LAST MINUTE TOO,

I MEAN, THAT'S
JUST MANIPULATIVE.

SOOKIE, FIRE.

I GOT TO GET BACK
IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU'LL HANDLE THE
HARP? YOU GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT, OK, I'LL DO IT.

I'LL PLAY SQUIRE BRACEBRIDGE
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. GEEZ!

THANKS, SWEETIE.

AS LONG AS IT'S NOT JUST
BECAUSE I FIT THE COSTUME.

IT'S BECAUSE I FIT
THE COSTUME, ISN'T IT?

GO AHEAD.

♪

HI, IT'S LORELAI.

HEY, LOR. IT'S ME.

OH, HI, CHRIS, HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, GOOD. YOU,
UH, GOT A MINUTE?

UH, OH.

IT'S NOT AN "UH, OH." I JUST
WANTED TO RUN AN IDEA BY YOU.

RUN IT.

NOW IT'S TOTALLY YOUR CALL,

I DON'T WANT TO STEP ON ANY
PLANS YOU'VE ALREADY MADE,

BUT I KNOW RORY HAS A
SCHOOL BREAK COMING UP

AND I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'D BE COOL

WITH HER COMING TO VISIT
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

UH-HUH, A COUPLE OF DAYS?

YOU MEAN SHE'D STAY THE NIGHT?

YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY YOUR CALL.

WHERE ARE YOU, HEAVEN?

DO YOU EVEN HAVE ROOM
FOR SOMEONE TO STAY?

NOT JUST ROOM. A ROOM.

A DESIGNATED GUEST ROOM.

SHERRY FIXED IT UP REALLY NICE.

OH, GOOD FOR HER.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S
AWFULLY LAST-MINUTE.

IT'S TOTALLY LAST-MINUTE.
YOU CAN SAY NO.

AND THERE'LL BE
NO HARD FEELINGS.

WELL, IT'S REALLY UP TO
RORY TO SAY YES OR NO.

SO YOU'RE COOL WITH IT?

YEAH, SURE, IF RORY IS. YEAH.

GREAT. THAT'S
GREAT. UH, THANK YOU.

I'LL LET YOU RUN IT PAST HER, AND
YOU CAN GET BACK TO ME WHENEVER.

NO PRESSURE. NO PRESSURE.

TALK TO YOU LATER. YEAH.

TALK TO YOU LATER.

♪

SO WHAT ARE YOUR
TRAVEL PLANS, DAD?

HMM?

YOU AND MOM, YOU ALWAYS GO
OUT OF TOWN THIS TIME OF YEAR.

LAST YEAR IT WAS THE BAHAMAS.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT, IT WAS.

I REMEMBER YOU HAD FUN, TOO.

YOU SAID THE BAHAMAMIANS
WERE REAL NICE.

THE BAHAMITES? THE
BAHAMAMAMANIANS?

THE BAHAMIANS.

YES, THEY WERE NICE.

THEY WERE NICE.

SO WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?

WE'RE NOT GOING
ANYWHERE THIS YEAR.

WHY NOT?

OH.

WELL, YEAH, IT... IT CAN BE REALLY
NICE JUST TO STAY AT HOME SOMETIMES

BECAUSE YOU CAN DO FUN THINGS THAT
YOU NORMALLY WOULDN'T HAVE TIME FOR.

YEAH, LIKE PLAY RUNNING CHARADES

AND GET OUT THAT SLIP 'N SLIDE.

WE'LL SEE.

YES, WE'LL SEE.

WOULD YOU ALL EXCUSE ME?

I HAVE TO MAKE SOME CALLS.

SAY GOODBYE BEFORE
YOU LEAVE, WILL YOU?

YEAH, SURE, DAD.

WHEN IS THIS AWFULNESS WITH
WORK GONNA RESOLVE ITSELF?

I DON'T KNOW. THE
MAN IS SO SENSITIVE.

HE READS SO MUCH INTO
EVERY LITTLE PERCEIVED SLIGHT.

YEAH.

I REMEMBER ONETIME
WHEN I WAS A KID,

DAD HAD PUT ON SOME WEIGHT AND HE
BOUGHT A NEW SUIT TO TRY TO COVER IT UP.

HE WORE IT FOR US AND
HE SAID, "HOW DO I LOOK?"

AND I SAID, "YOU LOOK FAT."

BUT I GUESS THAT WASN'T
REALLY A PERCEIVED SLIGHT.

SO I'LL THINK OF
ANOTHER EXAMPLE.

KEEP IN MIND, DURING
THE BRACEBRIDGE DINNER,

WE ARE NOT JUST SERVERS.
WE ARE PERFORMERS.

SO, ANY TIME YOU'RE WITH A
GUEST, YOU MUST BE IN CHARACTER

AND MUST SPEAK OLD ENGLISH.

IT'S A WORLD WE'RE
CREATING HERE,

SO WHATEVER WE CAN DO...
KIRK, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

WHO, ME?

"WHATEVER WE CAN DO TO...
KIRK, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY."

YEAH, ME. AH, SORRY.

OK, NOW, GUYS, LOOK AT
THE MATERIALS I GAVE YOU.

AND TELL ME, IF A GUEST ASKS
YOU HOW THE FOOD'S COMING,

WHAT WOULD BE THE APPROPRIATE
OLD ENGLISH RESPONSE?

RUNE!

"GREETINGS."

YOU JUST READ THE FIRST
THING ON THE LIST, DIDN'T YOU?

MAYBE.

GUYS, THE CORRECT RESPONSE:

"OUR OVENS, THEY WITH
BAKED MEAT CHOKE."

QUESTION.

YES?

WHAT COLOR DRESS WILL I
BE WEARING WHEN I SAY THIS?

RUNE, DON'T BE AN IDIOT.

WELL, THIS IS STUPID.

SHUT UP AND PAY
ATTENTION TO SOOKIE.

SHE WORKED VERY HARD
TO BRING THIS ABOUT.

YEAH, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, WE
DON'T ALL SHARE INTIMACIES WITH HER,

SO SHE DOESN'T CUT US ANY SLACK.

SHE DOESN'T TREAT
ME DIFFERENTLY.

SHE'S CALLED YOU
"PEACHES" 3 TIMES.

IT'S ALL IN THE TRANSCRIPT.

SOOKIE, INSTEAD OF TALKING OLD
ENGLISH, CAN I TALK LIKE AN OLD MAN?

WHAT?

HEY, YOU KIDS, GET OFF MY LAWN!

NO, NO, YOU CANNOT
JUST TALK LIKE AN OLD MAN.

HI, HONEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THEY'RE SNOWED IN.

WHO'S SNOWED IN?

THE BRACEBRIDGE GROUP.

THEY'RE STUCK IN
CHICAGO. THE DINNER'S OFF.

NO. YES.

I'M GONNA CRY.

I OFFERED TO FUND THE INSTANT INVENTION
OF A MOLECULAR TRANSPORT DEVICE,

BUT THEY DIDN'T GO FOR IT.

OH, THAT MAKES ME
SO MAD. AND SO SAD.

I'M SMAD.

SOOKIE?

DOES THIS MEAN
THAT, UH, MY POCKETS

WILLETH NOT WITH
MONEY GET CHOKED?

THAT SOUNDED LIKE OLD ENGLISH.

COOL, HUH?

I'VE GOT 30 POUNDS OF AGED BEEF,

TRAYS AND TRAYS OF TROUT,
MOUNTAINS OF PRUNE TARTS.

I DICED PUMPKINS UNTIL
MY HANDS TURNED ORANGE.

I'VE GOT PUMPKIN HANDS.

TAKE A SIP.

HOW CAN YOU STAY
SO CALM ABOUT THIS?

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY GOT SNOWED IN.

ALL THAT WORK. ALL THAT
EXTRA HELP WE HIRED.

OH, WELL, AT LEAST
THEY PAID FOR IT ALREADY.

WE DIDN'T LOSE ANY MONEY.

YEAH, I GUESS.

YOU KNOW, I COULD STILL MAKE
UP THE DINNER FOR THE 3 OF US.

YEAH, BUT, THEN IT WOULD BE LIKE THE
3 OF US ALL ALONE IN THE DINING ROOM.

OH, IT WOULD BE
LIKE THE SHINING,

EXCEPT INSTEAD OF JACK
NICHOLSON, WE HAVE RUNE.

HEY, YOU GIRLS WANT
ANYTHING BESIDES COFFEE?

HEY, WHAT ABOUT LUKE?

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

HE EATS, AND JESS EATS.

DOESN'T JESS EAT?

WHAT'S SHE DOING?

I THINK SHE'S INVITING
YOU FOR DINNER.

YEAH, COME ON,
JOIN US. IT'LL BE FUN.

YOU LIKE PEACOCK PIE?

I'M 100 PERCENT SURE I DON'T.

THERE'LL BE NORMAL FOOD, TOO.

AND DECORATIONS. AND MUSIC.

COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.

WELL...

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S INVITE EVERYONE.

EVERYONE WHO?

EVERYONE EVERYONE.

EVERYONE EVERYONE WHO?

EVERYONE WE KNOW.
EVERYONE WE LIKE.

AND THEY CAN EVEN
STAY IN THE INN.

ALL THOSE EMPTY ROOMS, ALL
THOSE UNEATEN PILLOW MINTS.

AN OUT-OF-CONTROL,
OVER-THE-TOP SLUMBER PARTY.

I LOVE IT!

DONE. SPREAD THE WORD.

HEY, I HAVEN'T
SAID I'D COME YET,

SO I'M CERTAINLY NOT GONNA
SUDDENLY BECOME YOUR MESSENGER BOY.

8:00? 7:00.

RIGHT.

DEANO. HEY, LANE.

ARE YOU GOING TO THIS BIG
SHINDIG AT THE INN TONIGHT?

YEAH, I'M JUST TRYING TO TRICK
MY MOM INTO NOT GOING WITH ME.

HOW'S THAT COMING ALONG?

HOW'S THAT PIXIES
REUNION COMING ALONG?

I'LL SEE YOU AND YOUR MOM THERE.

BYE. BYE.

KEEP IT UP AND YOU'LL GET HURT.

WHOA, HEY, GUYS! GUYS,
COME ON. BREAK IT UP, GUYS.

QUIT! HEY, HOLD
IT, MAN! GET OFF ME!

OH.

GET OFF ME, MAN!
I'M NOT FIGHTING YOU.

JESS, KNOCK IT OFF, MAN.

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR
PROBLEM? NOTHING.

YOU SAW IT WAS ME, JESS.
WHY'D YOU KEEP PUNCHING?

I HAD MOMENTUM.

WELL, I WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU.

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP,
BUT THANKS FOR OFFERING.

HEY, DID BOOTSY R.S.V.P?

YEAH, HE'S COMING.

THANKS. IS HE BRINGING ANYBODY?

HE'S COMING SOLO. OK.

I'M GONNA PUT HIM
IN ROOM 16 WITH LUKE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

LET ME HAVE MY FUN.

LUKE'S COMING WITH JESS.

WELL, I'LL PUT JESS
IN WITH MISS PATTY.

THERE'LL BE NO JESS
LEFT IN THE MORNING.

YOU STINK.

ARE THESE LAST YEAR'S
CARDS OR THIS YEAR'S?

THIS YEAR'S, OF COURSE.

DON'T SCOFF.

LAST YEAR'S SET WERE STILL
SITTING HERE TILL HALLOWEEN.

HEY, IF THAT'S A CRACK AT MY
HOUSEKEEPING SKILLS, WELL, THEN OK.

WOW. WHAT?

THIS IS ONE UGLY-LOOKING
BABY. WHOSE BABY IS THIS?

THAT'S YOUR SECOND
COUSIN STAN'S POOR KID.

UGH, HE GOT STAN'S EVERYTHING.

THAT'S NOT EVEN THE
UGLIEST BABY IN THE BUNCH.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

OUCH!

THAT'S THE UGLIEST
BABY IN THE BUNCH.

WHY DO PEOPLE PUT
PICTURES ON CARDS?

DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND WE
ARE UNAPOLOGETIC MOCKERS?

THERE'S AN UNEXPLAINED
INNOCENCE IN THE WORLD.

HEY, I DIDN'T SEE THIS.

SEE WHAT? DAD.

OH.

AND THE WOMAN, I'M
ASSUMING, IS SHERRY.

UH, DID I NOT SHOW
YOU THAT? HUH?

THEY'VE GOT A CUTE LITTLE
PUPPY AND EVERYTHING.

OH, I MUST'VE PUT
IT IN THE STACK

AND FORGOTTEN TO
TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

WELL, THERE IT IS.

NICE-LOOKING LADY. MMM-HMM.

LIKE A YOUNG TAMMY FAYE BAKKER.

BUT PRETTIER THAN THAT.

OH, I DIDN'T MEAN NOT PRETTY.

HEY, QUESTION
ABOUT THE ROOM LIST.

YEAH?

ROOM 31, WHY IS IT EMPTY?

OH, YEAH, I WANTED
TO RUN AN IDEA BY YOU.

RUN IT.

I THOUGHT MAYBE A CERTAIN DEPRESSED
MAN AND HIS WIFE COULD STAY THERE.

WOODY AND SOON-YI?

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA.

OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

BUT THIS COULD
HELP TO CHEER HIM UP.

I'LL SEND HIM A DEF JAM COMEDY
TAPE. THAT'LL CHEER HIM UP.

IT'S A REALLY GOOD THING TO DO.

WE'LL DONATE MONEY TO
CHARITY. THAT'S A GOOD THING, TOO.

WE'LL STOP KICKING DOGS. MOM.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PENCIL THEM IN,

BUT THEY'LL PROBABLY SAY NO.

YEAH, BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA
HOPE THAT THEY SAY NO, RIGHT?

RIGHT. RIGHT.

BECAUSE THAT WOULD
BE REALLY BAD KARMA,

ESPECIALLY ON TOP OF
MAKING FUN OF THE UGLY BABIES.

I HAVE A NEW YEAR'S
RESOLUTION FOR YOU.

BECOME MORE CYNICAL
AND SELF-ABSORBED.

I'LL WORK ON IT.

HOW'S SOOKIE DOING IN THERE?

AH, WELL, SHE'S
PAPER-BAGGING IT.

WHAT? YOU KNOW...

OH, SO SHE'S RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

HEY, DOLLS.

HEY. HI, WELCOME.

ARE WE THE FIRST ONES HERE?

YES, YOU ARE.

NOW, DON'T YOU FREAK OUT.

MOREY HATES BEING
THE FIRST ANYWHERE.

HE THINKS IT HURTS
HIS STREET CREDIBILITY.

CHARLIE PARKER WAS
LATE TO EVERYTHING.

CHARLIE PARKER HAD MORE
DRUGS IN HIM THAN A RITE AID.

FORGET CHARLIE PARKER.

YOU GUYS, ARE IN ROOM
8. IT'S ALL READY FOR YOU.

THANKS, DOLL. COME ON, MOREY.

WE COULD BE LATE FOR DINNER
IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

A LITTLE.

HEY!

ARE YOU ALONE?

LANE.

MY WEDDING NIGHT'S
GONNA BE VERY INTERESTING.

HELLO, MRS. KIM. I'M GLAD
YOU GUYS COULD COME.

YOU GUYS ARE IN ROOM 12.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, LORELAI. THANK
YOU FOR INVITING US.

OUR PLEASURE. DO YOU NEED
HELP BRINGING IN YOUR STUFF?

THIS IS MY STUFF.

DON'T NEED ANY MORE STUFF.

PEOPLE HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

PEOPLE HAVE TOO
MUCH STUFF. ABSOLUTELY.

SAYS THE WOMAN
WITH 64 PAIRS OF SHOES.

THUS PROVING MY POINT.

WHAT IS PARIS DOING HERE?

SHE HAD TO BRING ME THE
NEWSPAPER STUFF TONIGHT.

SHE JUST COULDN'T WAIT.

ROBOT, SHE'S A ROBOT. HI. HEY.

SO HERE ARE THE MATERIALS
ON THE DOUBLE ISSUE.

SOME OF THE ARTICLES ARE GONNA
NEED COMPLETE RE-WRITES. ALL RIGHT.

MADELINE'S 500
WORDS ON TEST ANXIETY

SPENDS 400 OF THEM ARGUING
THAT STRETCH CORDUROY

IS THE BEST MATERIAL
FOR LOW-RISE JEANS.

WELL, LET'S SEE.
CORDUROY IS A FABRIC.

AND THE FABRIC OF SOCIETY
IS WEAKENED WHEN STUDENTS...

YOU CAN'T GET THERE.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.

I'LL GET RIGHT ON THIS
TOMORROW. WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT?

I'M BUSY TONIGHT.

DOING WHAT?

WELL, THIS.

OH.

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DINNER PARTY.

OH.

OK, WELL, I'LL GET
OUT OF YOUR WAY.

CALL IF YOU NEED TO TALK
THINGS THROUGH. AND...

OH, SHE USES THE PRINCE
VERSION OF WRITING.

A LETTER "U" FOR "YOU" AND A
PICTURE OF AN EYE FOR AN "I."

WOW. YEAH.

HEY, PARIS, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING GOING ON TONIGHT?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN, DO YOU
HAVE ANYTHING GOING ON TONIGHT?

WELL, MY PARENTS
ARE OUT OF TOWN,

SO MY PORTUGUESE
NANNY WILL MAKE DINNER.

AND THEN I'LL EITHER GET
BACK TO READING THE ILIAD

OR WE'LL PLAY MONOPOLY.
I CRUSH HER EVERY TIME.

I WAS JUST THINKING MAYBE YOU
MAY WANT TO STAY FOR DINNER.

HERE?

YEAH. WE HAVE A TON OF FOOD

AND IT'S LIKE A WHOLE
BIG SHOW AND EVERYTHING.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT
DOING ANYTHING...

REREADING THE ILIAD A 3RD
TIME IS NOT "NOT DOING ANYTHING."

I'M NOT PATHETIC.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT. I JUST
THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE FUN, THAT'S ALL.

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A CALL.

GOOD, MAKE IT.

I JUST HAVE TO LET NANNY KNOW.

NANNY, PARIS.

HEY.

HELLO, THERE.

HEY, CLARA.

NICE. IS THAT A
STELLA McCARTNEY?

IT'S A WAL-MART.

WELL, IT'S VERY PRETTY.

MY MOM BOUGHT IT FOR TONIGHT.

SHE'S GOT GOOD TASTE.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS COMING.

WHO?

JESS.

YEAH. IS THAT A PROBLEM?

NOT REALLY.

DEAN.

IT'S JUST THAT HE GOT INTO THIS
FIGHT WITH THIS GUY AT SCHOOL.

WHEN I BROKE IT UP,
HE STARTED IN ON ME.

HE HIT YOU?

HE TRIED.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

DON'T ASK ME TO
EXPLAIN THAT JERK.

HE'D BETTER NOT
DO THAT ALL NIGHT.

NO! IT... IT TASTES TOO
20TH-CENTURY, GUYS.

IT'S GOT TO SHOUT,
"WASHINGTON IRVING!"

NOT, "IRVING, MY ACCOUNTANT."

IT NEEDS SOMETHING.
HELP ME. WHAT IS IT?

UH...

WHAT?

OOH, RUNE NAKED, NAKED RUNE.

THESE STUPID PANTS
WON'T GO PAST MY THIGHS.

WHY ARE YOU DRESSING IN HERE?

THE BATHROOMS ARE FULL

AND THE LOUSY MADRIGAL SINGERS
ARE BOGARTING THE SUPPLY CLOSET.

SO, THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE.

THEY'RE TOO SMALL.

MY THIGHS ARE TOO BIG.

AH!

RUNE, YES, BUT IN LIEU OF
COMING UP WITH SOMETHING

THAT WOULD IMMEDIATELY
REDUCE THE SIZE OF YOUR THIGHS,

WHY DON'T WE GET YOU
A BIGGER PAIR OF PANTS?

AND A DIFFERENT PLACE
TO DRESS. DEFINITELY.

CAN YOU GET ME
THE SUPPLY CLOSET?

WE'LL TAKE IT BY
FORCE, IF WE HAVE TO.

GO. OH, GOD.

IS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL?

OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH... NO.

THIS NEEDS SOMETHING, AND
I CANNOT THINK OF WHAT IT IS.

IT'S THAT TART, KIND
OF SPICY, WHITE...

SALT!

THE WORD IS "SALT"!

YOU FORGOT THE WORD FOR "SALT"?

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

GOOD.

ABSOLUTELY, 100 PERCENT.

YOU'RE EXUDING CONFIDENCE.

HAVE THE OXYGEN READY.

EASY. IT'S A BIRD. IT'S A BIRD.

THANK YOU.

THEY'RE HERE. WHO?

THE JOYLESS LUCK CLUB.

HELLO, GIRLS. YOU LOOK
PARTICULARLY LOVELY TONIGHT.

THANKS, GRANDPA.

THANKS, DAD. YOU GUYS
LOOK NICE YOURSELVES.

SEEMS LIKE THE
OCCASION CALLED FOR IT.

THE AIR SEEMS CRISPER HERE
THAN HARTFORD. IT'S WONDERFUL.

HEY, DAD, YOU DIDN'T GRAB THE WRONG
PRESCRIPTION BOTTLE EARLIER TODAY, DID YOU?

WHAT? NOTHING.

I THINK SHE WAS MAKING
ONE OF HER FUNNY JOKES.

OH, WENT STRAIGHT OVER MY HEAD.

LET ME GET SOMEONE TO
HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAGS.

NO, NO, I'VE GOT THEM,
JUST POINT ME TO THE ROOM.

YOU GUYS ARE IN ROOM
31. BEST ROOM IN THE PLACE.

OH, ANYTHING'S FINE.
I'LL, UH, SEE YOU IN A BIT.

HMM.

WHAT GOT INTO HIM?

HE'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

I KNOW. HE'S BEEN
THAT WAY FOR 2 DAYS.

I HAVE KNOW IDEA WHY,
BUT I'M TAKING THE CREDIT.

HMM.

OH.

A HOSTESS'S JOB IS NEVER DONE.

HI.

♪

HEY, EVERYBODY, WILL
YOU GATHER ROUND?

EVERYONE, EVERYONE. FIRST, I WANT
TO WELCOME YOU TO THE FIRST ANNUAL

AND PROBABLY NEVER
TO BE HELD AGAIN

BECAUSE SOOKIE'S ON VERGE TO A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, BRACEBRIDGE DINNER.

I'M FINE. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

I ALSO THANK MOTHER NATURE FOR SNOWING
IN THE TRELLING PAPER COMPANY IN CHICAGO

SO I COULD THROW THIS GREAT
PARTY FOR ALL MY FRIENDS INSTEAD.

IT'S A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT,

AND SO SINCE I DON'T GET TO
EAT UNBELIEVABLY STRANGE FOOD

WITH MY FRIENDS EVERY DAY,
I'VE ARRANGED A LITTLE SURPRISE.

OUTSIDE, AS WE SPEAK, IS A
LINE OF HORSE-DRAWN SLEIGHS

AND EVERYBODY GETS A RIDE.

SO, UH, LINE UP AND
KEEP IT ORDERLY.

THERE'S 2 PER SLEIGH. AND NO
CUTTING IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER.

THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE.

EXCEPT ME,

'CAUSE I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA
MISS A RIDE IN A HORSE-DRAWN SLEIGH.

YOU GONNA GO?

I THINK I'LL WAIT FOR
THE CLOG DANCING.

HEY, DON'T MOVE.

WE'RE GONNA MISS
ALL THE GOOD HORSES.

WHO IS THIS BRAZEN WOMAN
COMPETING FOR YOUR ATTENTION?

COME ON!

UH, I GUESS I'M SPOKEN FOR.

I'LL SEE YOU BACK HERE.

YOU SEE THE HORSES?

YOU MEAN THE ONES 3 FEET
FROM MY FACE? YEAH. I SAW 'EM.

I SPENT A SUMMER TRAINING
HORSES IN MONTANA.

YOU GET KICKED
IN THE HEAD A LOT?

JUST THE ONCE.

HEY, YOU IN THE BELT, GET IN.

WHAT? OH, NO, I WAS JUST
SORT OF CHECKING THINGS OUT.

COME ON. WE COULD PULL A BEN-HUR

AND TAKE DOWN TAYLOR'S SLEIGH.

I DON'T KNOW. I...

OH, COME ON, LUKE.

I CAN'T BE ALL SCHOOLMARMY
AND RIDE BY MYSELF. PLEASE?

WELL, OK.

GIDDYAP.

THE HORSES HEARD ME.

I SPEAK HORSE
LANGUAGE. I'M DR. DOLITTLE.

PLUS, I THINK THE DRIVER
OF THE SLEIGH HEARD YOU.

OH, YEAH.

I GOTTA SAY, SLEIGH
RIDES ARE A LITTLE MUCH,

BUT THESE HORSES
ARE REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

YES, ESPECIALLY FROM THIS ANGLE.

NOT JUST FROM THIS ANGLE.

OH, SERIOUSLY. DON'T BACKTRACK.

HORSE HAS GOT A NICE BUTT THERE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

NICE FIRM HEINIE...

STOP TALKING ABOUT
THE HORSE'S HEINIE.

GOD, THE TOWN LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

SAME AS ALWAYS.

NO,

IT'S ALWAYS DIFFERENT
THIS TIME OF YEAR.

IT'S MAGICAL.

IF YOU SAY SO, SURE.

OH, LOOK, THERE'S THE
MAGICAL PLUMBING SUPPLY STORE

WHERE I BOUGHT A MAGICAL
FLOAT FOR MY TOILET LAST WEEK.

YOU DISAPPOINT ME.

OH, LOOK, THERE'S THE
MAGICAL LUKE'S DINER

RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE
APARTMENT THAT JESS MAGICALLY LIT

BY LEAVING EVERY
STINKING LIGHT ON.

HOW'S IT GOING WITH YOU GUYS?

ME AND JESS? GREAT.

GREAT? REALLY? REALLY.

WELL, GOOD.

IT IS GOOD.

I MEAN, IT WAS HARD AT FIRST,
SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE, YOU KNOW,

BUT I'VE LEARNED A LOT
THESE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS.

LIKE?

LIKE LAST WEEK

I DISCOVERED THE
SECRET OF PARENTING.

YOU DID? YEP.

THE SECRET OF PARENTING?

THE SECRET OF PARENTING.

WHEN LAST WEEK? LAST TUESDAY?

I DON'T KNOW THE EXACT DAY.

TUESDAY AT 5:15? IS THAT
WHEN YOU DISCOVERED IT?

DON'T MOCK.

WELL, TELL ME. WHAT IS...

WAIT. IT'S A SECRET.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME.

NO, I'LL TELL YOU.

YOU VISUALIZE THE
REALITY YOU WANT.

YOU VISUALIZE THE
REALITY YOU WANT.

AND THEN IF NECESSARY,
YOU LIE TO BRING IT ABOUT.

THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE
THAN I WAS EXPECTING.

YOU NEVER LIED TO YOUR KID?

UH, TO SAVE HER FROM
GREAT PHYSICAL PAIN, YES.

WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE AND
SHE'D PLAY IN THE KITCHEN,

I TOLD HER THAT THE BURNERS
WERE THE DEVIL'S HANDS.

BUT I WOULD SAY IT IN A
REALLY SCARY EVANGELIST VOICE.

YOU KNOW, "DON'T TOUCH THE DEVIL'S
HANDS." SHE STILL DOESN'T GO NEAR IT.

YES, EXACTLY. YOU TOLD A LITTLE
WHITE LIE FOR YOUR KID'S PROTECTION,

VERY SIMILAR TO
WHAT I HAVE DONE.

WHICH WAS?

WELL, YOU KNOW THE
WINTER BREAK IS COMING.

YES, I DO.

OK, WELL, THAT MEANS JESS
HAS SOME TIME OFF FROM SCHOOL.

HIS MOM KNEW THAT,
AND SHE NEVER CALLED.

OH, THAT MAKES ME SICK.

SO I DECIDED JUST
TO KEEP JESS WITH ME.

AND I TOLD HIM THAT HIS MOM
WANTED HIM TO COME HOME.

BUT I THOUGHT SINCE HE JUST GOT
THERE AND HE WAS STILL ADJUSTING,

THAT I THOUGHT HE SHOULD STAY.

HIS MOM WAS REALLY
UPSET BUT I INSISTED.

HE BOUGHT IT HOOK,
LINE, AND SINKER.

SAVED HIM A LOT OF HURT.

HE DIDN'T BUY IT.

WHAT? OF COURSE HE DID.

HE KNOWS.

I WISH LORELAI HAD
WARNED US ABOUT THIS.

WHAT? THIS IS WONDERFUL.

IT'S WREAKING
HAVOC WITH MY HAIR.

OH, THIS IS NOT
BAD FOR YOUR HAIR,

COMPARED TO THE OTHER THING.

WHAT OTHER THING?

RICHARD, STOP IT! STOP IT!

SUDDENLY YOU'RE 2 YEARS OLD.

OH, I'M JUST HAVING FUN.

I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

THIS IS FUN, TOO.

THIS IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER.

A LITTLE.

SAY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
WE WERE ON A ROLLER COASTER?

NEVER.

DIDN'T WE EVER GO
TO CONEY ISLAND?

THAT MUST HAVE
BEEN YOUR OTHER WIFE.

GOSH, I USED TO LOVE
IT WHEN I WAS A KID.

THEY WERE A LOT
FASTER THEN, TOO.

AND LESS SAFE.

WE SHOULD GO ON ONE. WHAT?

A FAST ONE.

FINE, YOU GO, AND I'LL WAIT AND
HOLD YOUR COTTON CANDY FOR YOU.

YOU ARE GOING. IT
WOULD TAKE A WHOLE DAY.

YOU ARE GOING. I'D BE SCARED.

I'LL HOLD YOUR HAND.

FINE.

WE'LL GO ON A ROLLER
COASTER. GOOD.

NOW, WHERE IS THIS ROLLER
COASTER WE'RE GOING ON?

WELL, I'M NOT SURE.

I'LL GET RORY TO LOOK IT
UP ON THE INTERNET FOR US.

THAT IT, MISS?

I GUESS I'M ALONE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, I HEARD IT WAS 2 TO
A SLEIGH, NO MORE, NO LESS.

YOU'RE BREAKING THE RULES.

YOU COULD'VE HURT YOURSELF.

I LIVE ON THE EDGE.

I COULD JUMP OUT IF YOU WANT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

YOU MAD AT ME OR SOMETHING?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND.

YOU GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH DEAN.

DEAN?

MY BOYFRIEND.

HE'S STILL YOUR BOYFRIEND?

OK, YOU CAN JUMP OUT NOW.

I WASN'T FIGHTING HIM.
IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

HE JUMPED IN ON HIS OWN.

HE WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU.

UH, HE SHOULD GO INTO
GOVERNMENT SERVICE

IF HE SO INTERESTED
IN HELPING PEOPLE.

BUT ME, HE CAN STOP
WORRYING ABOUT.

WHY WERE YOU FIGHTING
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

'CAUSE CHUCK PRESBY'S A JERK.

YOU WERE FIGHTING
CHUCK PRESBY? YEAH.

OH, HE IS A JERK.

THIS WHOLE TOWN IS
WEIRD AND FULL OF JERKS.

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN, SCHOOL'S OUT.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE,

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO HOME?

MY MOM DIDN'T WANT ME TO.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

THAT'S YOUR RIGHT, I GUESS.

DID LUKE SAY SHE
DIDN'T WANT YOU TO?

LUKE TOLD ME IT WAS HIS
IDEA THAT I SHOULD STAY.

IT WASN'T HIS IDEA.

THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT?

YOUR SNOWMAN.
SNOWWOMAN, ACTUALLY.

YOU KNOW WHICH ONE'S OURS?

IT DEFINITELY HAS THE
MOST PERSONALITY.

KIND OF LOOKS LIKE BJORK.

THAT'S WHAT WE
WERE GOING FOR. YEAH?

BUT EVERYONE THINKS THE ONE ON
THE END IS GOING TO BE THE WINNER.

REALLY? IT'S SO OVERDONE.

I AGREE.

YOU SHOULD WIN.

NO ARGUMENT.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU
AND DEAN TALK ABOUT?

WHAT?

I MEAN, DOES HE KNOW BJORK?

I'VE PLAYED HIM SOME STUFF.

SO YOU GOT A
TEACHER-STUDENT THING GOING.

STOP.

NO, REALLY, I'M CURIOUS.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT?

EVERYTHING.

LIKE...

JUST EVERYTHING. TONS
OF STUFF. WHATEVER.

IT'S JUST THAT IN THE BRIEF, NON-PUGILISTIC
TIME I'VE SPENT WITH HIM IN CLASS,

HE JUST DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE YOUR KIND OF GUY.

WELL, HE IS MY KIND OF GUY.

HE'S EXACTLY MY KIND OF GUY.

OK.

GUESS I DON'T
KNOW HIM THAT WELL.

YOU DON'T.

YOU DON'T.

QUIET, PLEASE, EVERYBODY.

BEFORE THE, UH, BUTTON-POPPING
AND THE BLOATING CAN COMMENCE

SAY "CHEESE."

CHEESE.

UH, NOW,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAMEN UND HERREN,

UH, THE MOMENT YOU'VE
BEEN WAITING FOR.

I GIVE YOU THE
BRACEBRIDGE DINNER.

WHOA, WHOA, HOLD IT.

WE JUST NEED A
QUICK MINUTE, PLEASE.

WHICH WILL BE STARTING
IN ONE QUICK MINUTE.

EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?

YOU CAN'T HAVE A QUICK MINUTE
BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS 60 SECONDS.

SHUT UP.

LORELAI, DARLING, WHO IS THE SILVER
FOX WITH THE TIGHT KNEE SOCKS?

OH, THAT'S CLAUDE.

HE'S ONE OF OUR REGULAR SERVERS.

DIVORCED AND ON THE MARKET.

OH, WELL, THE
UNIFORM IS INTERESTING.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL HAVE
HIM BATHED, POWDERED,

AND SENT TO YOUR ROOM.

WHAT? OH, YOU JOKE?

WAS THAT A JOKE?

LORELAI, THIS IS JUST BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING OUT
OF ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD.

THANKS, DAD.

YOUR DRESS NEEDS PRESSING.

THANKS, MOM.

YOUR POD GRANDPA'S
STILL HAPPY AS A CLAM.

SEE, I TOLD YOU THIS
WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM.

WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WELCOME, LORDS AND LADIES.

I CALL UPON THESE SPRIGHTLY HORNS
TO COMMENCE OUR PROCEEDINGS.

HEY, CHUCK MANGIONE, YOU
WANT TO BACK UP A STEP?

AND WE'RE OFF.

AND NOW, FAIR PEOPLE, I
PRESENT MY LORD AND MASTER,

THE HONORABLE
SQUIRE BRACEBRIDGE.

♪

LO! NOW HAS COME
OUR JOYFULLEST FEAST.

LET EVERY MAN BE JOLLY.

WE SHOULD HAVE
EATEN BEFORE WE CAME.

AND, YEAH.

HUMBLE SERVANT, BRING US THE
FIRST COURSE TO DINE WITH PLEASURE.

MMM, METHINKS IT BE A
BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP.

AND METHINKS YOU'RE RIGHT,
SQUIRE BRACEBRIDGE. THUS AND VERILY.

AND VERILY THUS.

THEY'RE THE OLD ENGLAND
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO.

'TIS PERFECTION,
BUT EXTREMELY HOT.

MY LORD, YOU NEED AID.

WOULDST THOU HAVE
THEE ICE THY TONGUE?

UH, NAY, RUNE, NAY.

TO THE GUESTS, THOU
SHALT SERVE THE SOUP!

WHAT'S THE WHITE STUFF?

I THINK IT'S CHEESE OR CREAM.

AND THE GREEN STUFF?

I THINK IT'S BEST PICKED OFF.

NO ONE SAYS GRACE?

I THINK THEY ALL DO,
MAMA. UH, SILENTLY.

DID YOU SAY SILENT GRACE?

GOOD ONE.

SOUP FOR MY LADIES?

WHY, THANK YOU, KIND SIR.

HEY, KIRK, NICE BLOUSE.

DON'T LET HER MAKE FUN OF
YOU, KIRK. YOU LOOK GREAT.

SOUP WITH GARLANDS
GAY, AND ROSEMARY.

YOU'RE GONNA STAY IN
CHARACTER NO MATTER WHAT, HUH?

IT IS HOT, SO PROCEED DAINTILY.

HEY, DID YOU EVER
SEE THAT I LOVE LUCY

WHERE SHE GOES TO
BUCKINGHAM PALACE? MOM.

SHE TRIES TO GET
THE PALACE GUARD

TO BREAK CHARACTER.
THAT WAS THE FUNNY.

'TIS FOREIGN TO ME, GOOD LADY.

HANG IN THERE, KIRK.

THE ONES WHEN SHE WAS IN EUROPE,

HANDS DOWN, THOSE WERE THE BEST.

NO WAY, THE HOLLYWOOD ONES. HA!

DAMN!

I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, BOY.

♪

MY LORD, SHALL
DESSERT BE SERVED?

ANON, HUMBLE SERVANT.

CAN I EAT MY DESSERT
WITH THE HORSES?

SURE, UH, BUT PUT YOUR COAT ON.

ARE YOU OK?

I GUESS SO. I'VE LOST TRACK
OF HOW MANY BEERS I'VE HAD.

7.

HMM.

HEY, PARIS, HOW'S IT GOING?

FINE. GOOD.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

OH, IT WAS OUR PLEASURE.

DID YOU NOTICE THE
ANACHRONISMS? THE WHAT?

THE PERIOD DISCREPANCIES.

THEY WERE PRETTY BLATANT.

I MEAN, FORGET THAT THE
19TH CENTURY DIDN'T INCLUDE

RECESSED LIGHTING OR THE FOSSIL
WATCH YOUR SERVER WAS WEARING.

BUT WATER IN THAT PERIOD WOULD
NOT HAVE BEEN SERVED WITH CUBED ICE.

AND YOUR SERVERS ARE
WEARING NYLON BLEND SHIRTS.

AND NYLON WAS INVENTED BY A
SCIENTIST AT DUPONT IN THE 1920s.

IT SHATTERED THE ILLUSION. OH.

FLOGGINGS WILL BE ADMINISTERED.

SO THERE WE ARE, IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL MOONLIT PRAGUE NIGHT

AND WE'RE STROLLING
ACROSS THE CHARLES BRIDGE,

WHEN WE COME ACROSS
THIS GROUP OF KIDS

BLASTING THIS SONG BY
THAT, OH, AWFUL WOMAN.

WHO IS SHE? THE TALL, BONY ONE

MARRIED TO THE... THE DECEASED
MUSTACHIOED CONGRESSMAN.

CHER? THAT'S THE ONE.

THE YEAR OF DO YOU
BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?

A DIFFICULT TIME FOR ALL OF US.

I LIKE THAT SONG.

I WAS APPALLED.

PRAGUE HAS PLAYED HOST TO SOME OF
THE GREATEST COMPOSERS IN HISTORY.

MOZART NAMED A
SYMPHONY AFTER IT,

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
SO WHAT DID I DO?

I'VE TRIED SO HARD
TO FORGET THIS.

I STOOD BESIDE THEM
AND THEIR BOOM BOX,

AND I HUMMED MOZART'S PRAGUE
SYMPHONY AS LOUD AS I COULD.

♪

THE BIZARRO BATTLE OF THE BANDS.

AND DID IT WORK?

WELL, THEY QUICKLY PACKED
UP AND WENT THEIR WAY.

BUT THEN HE KEPT ON HUMMING
THE MOZART. HE WOULDN'T STOP.

WELL, AT THAT POINT I WAS HOPING
FOR SOME GULLIBLE TOURISTS

TO DROP MONEY AT MY FEET.

TWO OF THEM DID.

AND I KEPT IT!

YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT BE THE
MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION

I'VE EVER HAD WITH
AN INSURANCE MAN.

OH, I'M HURT.

I'M SORRY, RICHARD.
WHAT I MEANT WAS THAT...

WHAT YOU MEANT WAS THAT
PEOPLE IN THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY

ARE DRONES.

WELL, I AGREE. THEY
ARE A DULL, DULL LOT,

AND I AM GLAD TO BE RID OF THEM.

RID OF THEM?

ARE YOU RETIRED, RICHARD?

WELL...

OF COURSE HE'S NOT. RICHARD?

RICHARD?

ACTUALLY, I AM.

♪

OH, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO
END A BIG, FESTIVE MEAL

WITH A BIG FESTIVE PALL
HANGING OVER THE ROOM.

MOST PEOPLE DIDN'T
NOTICE ANYTHING.

YEAH. I GUESS BOOTSY SINGING HOTEL
CALIFORNIA ACCOMPANIED BY SPOONS

DREW PEOPLE'S ATTENTION AWAY.

DID GRANDMA AND GRANDPA SAY A WORD
TO EACH OTHER THE REST OF THE NIGHT?

NO.

WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ANYONE?

I'M SORRY, ARE YOU ASKING ME TO
INTERPRET MY PARENTS' MOTIVES?

MY MISTAKE. SO WHICH
BED DO YOU WANT?

TAKE THE ONE BY THE WINDOW.

OK.

MOM!

WHAT, HONEY?

YOU PUT THE PICTURE OF
THE UGLY BABY IN MY BED.

I DIDN'T. I SWEAR.

THAT UGLY BABY IS
STALKING US. RUN AWAY.

POOR BABY. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

I THINK IT'S A SHE.

POOR BABY. YOU PICKED
THE WRONG PARENTS.

HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD
FROM DAD RECENTLY?

WHAT DAD? YOUR
DAD? YEAH, MY DAD.

WHY?

BECAUSE HE'S MY DAD,

AND HE USUALLY CHECKS
IN THIS TIME OF YEAR

AND HE HASN'T CHECKED IN YET.

I MEAN, I KNOW HE'S PROBABLY BUSY WITH
SHERRY AND THE NEW APARTMENT AND...

WHAT?

THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A CALL.

THERE MAY HAVE BEEN?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

WELL, THINGS HAVE BEEN SO HECTIC,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE BRACEBRIDGE DINNER

AND, UM, BUILDING A SNOWWOMAN.
AND PLANNING THE UGLY BABY GAG,

THAT TOOK TIME.

MOM... YES, HE CALLED.

HE CALLED, HE CALLED, HE CALLED AND
INVITED YOU AND IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO GO.

HE CALLED AND INVITED
YOU. SO, THERE YOU GO.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU, SO THERE.

HE INVITED ME OVER?

YES, ARE YOU DEAF?

NO, I'M TRYING TO SEPARATE
THE GIST FROM THE...

WELL, THE GIST IS
HE INVITED YOU, OK?

WHY DIDN'T HE INVITE ME HIMSELF?

BECAUSE HE'S PRETENDING TO BE
CONSIDERATE BY RUNNING IT PAST ME FIRST.

WAS HE MAYBE NOT
PRETENDING TO BE CONSIDERATE

AND ACTUALLY BEING CONSIDERATE?

MAYBE. MMM-HMM, BUT I WOULDN'T
PUT IT PAST HIM TO BE INCONSIDERATE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A
GREAT TRACK RECORD.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS?

HE'S PROBABLY WAITING FOR MY
ANSWER, AND HOLDING OFF MAKING PLANS.

BECAUSE I HAVE DIBS ON THIS
TIME OF YEAR WITH YOU. NOT HIM, ME.

AND YES, HE ACKNOWLEDGED
THAT AND THAT WAS COOL AND ALL,

BUT STILL, IT STINKS.

BECAUSE HE PUT ME IN A
VERY DIFFICULT POSITION.

BECAUSE WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES

AND MAKE FUN OF GODFATHER III.

AND THE THING THAT I REALLY,
REALLY HATE ABOUT THIS IS...

IS THE IDEA OF YOU NOT
HANGING OUT WITH ME

BECAUSE YOU'RE HANGING OUT THERE

WITH YOUR STUPID STEPMOTHER.

YOU'RE CALLING
SHERRY MY STEPMOTHER?

WELL, SHE PRACTICALLY IS.

YOU'RE WIGGING.

THERE'S SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

YOU THINK I'M OVERREACTING?

I THINK YOU'RE
JEALOUS OF SHERRY.

OH, I'M NOT JEALOUS OF SHERRY.

BUT I UNDERSTAND.

YOUR TERRITORY HAS
BEEN THREATENED.

EXCUSE ME? BUT, RELAX.

THERE ARE WAYS TO WORK
THROUGH THESE SITUATIONS LIKE THIS.

COMPROMISES CAN BE STRUCK.

OH, WELL, WHAT...
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WELL, YOU KNOW, I CAN
STILL CALL YOU "MOM",

AND I'LL CALL HER
"MOMMY SHERRY."

DON'T BE MEAN.

WE CAN SPLIT UP HOLIDAYS EVENLY.

LIKE I'LL BE WITH YOU
ON LABOR DAY, OK.

HER ON MEMORIAL DAY. ENOUGH.

I'LL HAVE TO FIND OUT
ABOUT HER RELIGION

TO SEE HOW HANUKKAH
WILL FACTOR INTO THIS.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO
CONVERT TO JUDAISM,

AND TAKE HANUKKAH FOR YOURSELF.

I GET THE POINT. I
OVERREACTED. PLEASE STOP.

YOU TOTALLY OVERREACTED.

GOD.

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
GO AND STAY WITH THEM?

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

DO YOU HAVE TO THINK BECAUSE
YOU KNOW THAT IT'S KILLING ME

NOT TO KNOW WHETHER
YOU'RE GOING OR NOT.

AND YOU WANT TO
TORTURE ME? NOPE.

I JUST DON'T KNOW
IF I WANT TO DO IT.

OH.

IT WAS NICE OF HIM
TO ASK, THOUGH.

IT WAS VERY NICE.

'CAUSE WE ARE ROOTING FOR DAD.

WE ARE ROOTING FOR HIM.

IT WAS A VERY NICE THING
THAT CHRISTOPHER OFFERED.

I WAS BEING A LITTLE POSSESSIVE.

AND INSANELY JEALOUS
OF HIS PRETTY GIRLFRIEND.

I WANT TO KNOW IF SHE'S
GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

ME, TOO.

SO THERE WAS AN ALTRUISTIC
STREAK TO MY MADNESS.

I'LL GO WITH THAT.

I NEED A NEW ROOM.

WHAT?

I CAN'T STAY IN THAT ROOM.

THERE... THERE ARE
NO OTHER ROOMS, MOM.

WELL, THEN I'LL GO HOME.

GRANDMA, IT'S LATE.
AND PITCH BLACK.

AND THE ROADS ARE
ICY. YOU CAN'T BE DRIVING.

I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT ROOM.

YOU AND DAD HAD IT OUT
ABOUT THE JOB THING?

WE HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN,
SINCE DINNER. I'M SO UPSET

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

AND I COULDN'T TAKE
BEING AROUND HIM ANYMORE.

WHAT HE DID IS INEXCUSABLE.

NOT LETTING ME
KNOW HE LEFT HIS JOB,

AS IF IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME.

OH, MOM, TRY TO CALM DOWN.

HERE, TAKE THIS BED, AND
RORY AND I WILL SHARE.

I'M JUST A BURDEN.

YOU'RE NOT A BURDEN, MOM.

WELL, OK. THANK YOU.

CAN I USE THE MIRROR IN
THE BATHROOM FOR A SECOND?

YES. I'LL USE THE ONE OUT HERE.

WOW!

WHAT?

BEHOLD MY FUTURE.

HOW DO YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHT?

I'LL GET IT.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

TRY TO RELAX, MOM.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T SLEEP,
BECAUSE I SURELY WON'T.

OH, MOM.

THESE SLIPPERS YOU HAVE HERE
ARE HARDLY ONE SIZE FITS ALL.

THEY'RE TOO BIG.

GOOD NIGHT.

IT WAS SO IRRESPONSIBLE.

MAYBE HE HAD NO CHOICE.

OF COURSE HE HAD A CHOICE.

GO TO SLEEP, LORELAI.

THAT JOB WAS KILLING HIM, MOM.

IT WAS KILLING HIM.

I'M GOING FOR A LITTLE WALK.

GRANDMA, IT'S LATE.

I'M NOT TIRED.

LIKE SANDS THROUGH
THE HOURGLASS,

SO ARE THE GILMORES
OF OUR LIVES.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

EMILY, DON'T GO.

I'M VERY TIRED.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. PLEASE.

WELL,

I DON'T NEED TO REMIND YOU
ABOUT HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING

AT WORK.

MY FRUSTRATION JUST
BUILT TO THE POINT WHERE...

AGAIN, YOU KNOW THIS.

SO I ARRANGED TO MEET
THE C.E.O. YESTERDAY

JUST TO TALK ABOUT THE SITUATION

AND ABOUT THE RUMORS I
HAD HEARD FLOATING AROUND.

SO I MET WITH FLOYD. WE
SHOOK HANDS, HAD COFFEE,

AND THEN I STARTED TELLING HIM
ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY I'D BECOME.

I DETAILED ALL MY
YEARS WITH THE COMPANY,

ALL THE TRAVEL I'D DONE,

ALL THE... THE WEEKENDS I'D
PUT IN, THE SACRIFICES I HAD MADE,

INCLUDING TIME WITH
MY FAMILY, FOR THE FIRM.

AND THE MORE I TALKED,
THE ANGRIER I BECAME.

AND THEN, SUDDENLY, I
HEARD MYSELF RESIGN.

JUST LIKE THAT.

FLOYD WAS STUNNED.

I'D NEVER SEEN FLOYD STUNNED.

I ENJOYED SEEING FLOYD STUNNED.

SO I FINISHED MY COFFEE AND
I WALKED OUT OF THAT OFFICE,

AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT I HAD JUST DONE.

I'D RESIGNED, QUIT.

I BELIEVE I EVEN USED A LITTLE
PROFANITY IN THE PROCESS.

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT, EMILY?

I... I WAS THRILLED, ELATED.

A GIANT WEIGHT HAD
BEEN LIFTED OFF MY CHEST.

I NOTICED FLOYD'S
SECRETARY STARING AT ME,

AND I REALIZED IT WAS
BECAUSE I WAS SMILING.

WELL, NOBODY HAD SEEN ME
SMILE THERE IN A VERY LONG TIME.

I WAS, I WAS HAPPY.

AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO
TELL ME, YOUR OWN WIFE?

OH, EMILY.

I KNOW I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT
DISAPPOINT YOU THESE PAST FEW MONTHS,

WHAT WITH HOW
ISOLATED I'VE BECOME

AND ALL THE SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
I'VE MADE YOU CANCEL,

AND ALL THE FRIENDSHIPS
I'VE JEOPARDIZED.

AND... AND YOU LIKE
ORDER. YOU LIKE LISTS.

YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE GOING OR WHAT'S COMING.

YOU LIKE ALL THINGS
PLANNED. AND THEN SUDDENLY

I IMPULSIVELY UNPLAN OUR
ENTIRE FUTURE IN ONE FELL SWOOP.

WELL, I COULDN'T FACE
DISAPPOINTING YOU AGAIN.

I COULDN'T FACE TELLING YOU
THAT I HAD SPOILED THE PLAN.

NOT NOW, NOT AT
THIS TIME OF YEAR.

I DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO WORRY.

I JUST WANTED TO
KEEP BEING HAPPY.

I'M VERY, VERY SORRY.

ANYHOW,

UM,

I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE

GOING OVER OUR
FINANCIAL SITUATION.

NOW, UM, WE STILL HAVE ALL
OUR RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS

AND OUR MEDICAL
COVERAGE IS ALL THERE.

BY QUITTING, THOUGH WE DO
FOREGO SOME OF MY PENSION

AND SOME STOCK OPTIONS.

NOT A TERRIBLY
SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT,

BUT, UH, AN AMOUNT ALL THE SAME.

RICHARD,

LET'S JUST GO TO BED.

SEE YOU, BOOTSY.

SEE YOU. THANKS.

BY THE WAY, LAST NIGHT,
DID I SING HOTEL CALIFORNIA?

FROM BEGINNING RIGHT TO END.

WHILE BANGING
SPOONS ON YOUR HEAD.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS
THE LUMPS. BYE.

LORELAI, DARLING, OH,
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

PATTY, YOUR TIMING IS EXCELLENT.

THERE'S CLAUDE OVER THERE.

WANT ME TO DO SOME MATCHMAKING?

OH, HE'S WEARING A GOLF
SHIRT AND COTTON DOCKERS.

SO IT WAS THE UNIFORM, HUH?

OH, IT'S THE BILOXI NAVAL
BASE ALL OVER AGAIN.

BYE. SEE YOU.

HEY, MOM.

YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT BACK TO THE
ROOM LAST NIGHT. DID YOU GET LUCKY?

COULD YOU BE ANY CRUDER?

YEAH, I COULD BE CRUDER.

HEY, MOM, DID YOU GET...

THANKS FOR COMING. IT WAS FUN.

IS EVERYTHING OK?

EVERYTHING'S OK.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT FRIDAY.

BYE. BYE, DAD.

BYE, LORELAI.

YOU JUST HAD ONE GROG TOO MANY.

JUST DRINK LOTS OF
WATER TO REHYDRATE.

I WILL.

JACKSON, THANK YOU
FOR BEING OUR SQUIRE.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.
HEY, BY THE WAY,

LAST NIGHT WHEN BOOTSY
WAS SINGING HOTEL CALIFORNIA

AND BANGING SPOONS
ON HIS HEAD, DID I...

LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT AND PLAY
DRUMS ON YOUR STOMACH?

YES, YOU DID. OH, BOY.

YOU KEPT A GOOD BEAT. YEAH.

'CAUSE GOD KNOWS
IF THE BEAT WAS OFF,

YOU'D HAVE EMBARRASSED YOURSELF.

THANKS, RORY.

CLARA, I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

DON'T KISS.

WELL, COME ON.

DON'T KISS.

HERE YOU GO.

COME ON.

SO I GUESS WE'RE OFF.

I GUESS SO.

BYE, YOU GUYS.

LET'S GO HOME.

ARE WE COMING TO
GET OUR BAGS LATER?

WHY?

BECAUSE WE'RE WALKING HOME.
I DON'T WANT TO CARRY THEM.

WHO SAYS WE'RE WALKING?

♪

♪ IF YOU EVER GET CLOSE ♪

THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO RIDE.

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE.

♪ AND HUMAN BEHAVIOR ♪

WOW.

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

BAD NEWS FOR RINGER GUY,

BUT GUESS WHO WINS BY DEFAULT?

I GUESS THAT WOULD BE US.

♪ THERE'S DEFINITELY,
DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY NO LOGIC ♪

♪ TO HUMAN BEHAVIOR ♪