Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 31 - Diogenes, Won't You Please Go Home? - full transcript

["The Ballad
Of Gilligan's Isle"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started from this tropic
port aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was a mighty
sailing man ¶

¶ The skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three hour tour ¶

¶ A three hour tour ¶

¶ The weather
started getting rough ¶

¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶



¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore of this ¶

¶ Uncharted desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest are here
on Gilligan's Isle ¶

[instrumental music]

(Skipper)
'Gilligan!'

'Where are you?'



'Gilligan!'

'Gilligan!'

Gilligan, where are you?

Didn't you hear me
call you little buddy?

Uh-huh.

And what did you lock up
in the cabin?

Nothing.

Oh, Gilligan, how can you
lock up nothing?

Well, it's hard. You gotta get
a good grip on it.

Get your legs apart
and give it a good..

Are you saying in other words
you don't want to tell me.

Yup.

Gilligan, I'll tell
you something.

I'm not interested.

[melodramatic music]

The key is on top
of the cupboard.

Thanks, Gilligan.

- That wasn't very funny.
- I was trying to be helpful.

- Oh, it's empty.
- Right.

Absolutely nothing.

But there used to be something.

[instrumental music]

- 'Aha!'
- Aha!

Aha!

Skipper, what are you
doing up there?

What's more important is
what are you doing down there.

Skipper, If I were you,
I'd get out of that tree.

Gilligan, I'm not moving until
I've learned your little secret.

- It's no secret. See.
- What is that, may I ask?

It's honey, I got a sweet tooth.

Sometimes, I pull out
a piece of honeycomb.

Don't you know better than to
stick your hand in a beehive?

It's not dangerous.
Honey drips down to the hole.

The bees come in and out
right by your--

That is the silliest thing
I've ever heard..

Heard, heard!

[screaming]

See, see, I told you so.

Could it be a black pearl?

Well, that's possible.
That's very possible.

I bet that he's got bagful, and
he's not sharing them with us.

Oh, Gilligan wouldn't do that.
Well, he's our friend.

A girl's best friend is a..

- Diamond!
- Geologically impossible.

A ruby.

Southeast Asia.

- An emerald.
- India and the China coast.

Professor, what is it
that Gilligan has

that's fabulously valuable
that fits in a space like this?

An eight-year-old
bottle of scotch.

We haven't been on this island
for eight years.

Five-year-old
bottle of scotch?

What makes you think that
he's hiding liquid refreshments?

It's the Howell instinct.
You mark my words.

Gilligan is fermenting
the juice of the grape.

[instrumental music]

[squealing]

Ginger, what're you
doing in there?

- Where?
- In that bush.

In the bush? I-I-I was
looking for something.

- A bird?
- Yeah.

- Are you a bird watcher?
- I was looking for a bird.

Me too. I saw a turquoise-browed
motmot and European hoopoe.

- Ooh, must have been fun.
- What kind you're looking for?

- Baltimore oriole.
- That's a baseball player.

Yeah.

Ah, Gilligan, I've been looking
for you.

- I'm sure not hard to find.
- What do you mean?

Everybody's been finding me. Up
in trees, jumping out of bushes.

Just peeking all over
the place.

Thanks, Mary Ann.

See what I mean?

Need the broom
for spring house-cleaning.

What? In November?

It should be obvious. You've
hidden something valuable.

Others think you ought
to share it.

What's so valuable
about a diary?

- A what?
- My diary.

It's about people on the island.
I call it "Dear diary."

- You've been keeping it hidden?
- Aha. I hid it real good.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

- I forgot where I hid it.
- Wait till I tell the others.

That's the valuable possession
that Gilligan's been hiding.

I thought it was something worth
a fortune like a rare jewel.

I thought it was a bag
of black pearls.

I know what it was. You can't
fool Thurston Howell the third.

You thought it was
a bottle of scotch.

Great difference between
a bottle of scotch and a diary.

Not to Dean Martin. Fast.

The mystery has been solved,
he's merely been keeping a diary

of our life here
on the island.

So, now we can all relax.

(Skipper)
Hey, wait a minute, I wonder
what Gilligan wrote about me.

(Ginger)
Oh, my Gosh! I got to read
what he wrote.

(Thurston)
Good heavens! Will he
defame the Howell name?

- Hi, Gilligan.
- Hi, Skipper.

- Fish biting good?
- No, not so good.

You know what I'm gonna do
after we get rescued?

I'm gonna get myself a new ship.
Guess who'll be my first mate.

- Skinny Dave Davis?
- 'Guess again.'

- Pats O'Mulligan?
- No, you.

- Me?
- Of course.

If people say bad things about
me, nobody would give me a ship.

Who would say bad things
about you?

If I was to blame for the record
that I was a bad officer

'I couldn't handle men,
people could say those things.'

Yeah, I guess, they could.

In that case, could I have
just a have wee peek?

- 'A peek at your diary?'
- No, I couldn't do that.

Gilligan, not even
where I'm mentioned?

Gilligan, as your skipper,
I demand it.

I'm sorry, Skipper,
but it's private.

Hand me that diary,
and that's an order.

- What if I say no?
- I'll have you put in irons.

I thought you're gonna
make me walk the plank.

The plank, yes. Then
I'll have you keel-hauled.

Then I'll have you
drawn and quartered.

- Skipper.
- What?

- How do you spell quartered?
- Q-U-A-R-T-E-R-E-D.

Good fishing, little buddy.

- I can't.
- You don't understand?

I'd like to show you
my diary, but I can't.

- I thought that you liked me.
- I do.

Don't you want me to be a famous
movie star in the whole world?

- Sure.
- Then show me your diary.

And I'll take it to Hollywood

and they'll make
a big motion picture.

- They will?
- Uh-huh.

Don't you want to be my co-star?

- Me and the movies?
- Sure.

We'll have lots
of scenes together.

Kissing scenes.

- And hugging?
- Uh-huh.

And we'll rehearse it over
and over and over..

I, Thurston Howell the third.
Creator of careers.

Builder of men's minds,
shaper of their souls

I hereby do takeover.

Don't think I don't
appreciate what you're saying.

It's just that
I don't understand it.

Leave the thinking
to me, you see.

Hand the diary over to me,
and I'll publish it.

'I'll make you toast
to the literary world.'

- 'An author par excellence.'
- But you'll read it.

Well, as a publisher,
it'd be my duty to read it.

- I couldn't let you do that.
- I'm not an ordinary man.

I'm an outstanding
citizen of community.

A man known for his compassion,
for his consideration.

- Mr. Howell--
- Will you be quiet?

Man known for his courtesy and
thoughtfulness to his fellowman.

- But Mr. Howell--
- Shut up!

Mr. Howell, I'm sorry,
it's private.

Fie, knave.

Mark my words, you cross swords
with Thurston Howell III

the king of the beasts--

- Mr. Howell?
- Yes.

How do you spell beasts?

Large B-E-A-S-T.

Don't expect me to write
anything tonight.

Cause you're not
going to be here.

You've caused me enough trouble,
and you're not going to anymore.

Hey, Skipper.

You see that? I threw it
into the lagoon.

'Hey, Ginger, I bet that was my
high hard fast one.'

Howell, I bet it went a mile.
Hey, Mr. Howell did you..

Oh, Gilligan, don't do that,
don't do that.

Don't do what?

The cupid Larry-Harry, or
Harry-Larry or whatever it is

they do with those
dreadful things.

I wouldn't do
a thing like that.

All I was doing was just looking
at the bayonet and..

- You're talking to me.
- Of course, I am.

I talk to everybody, but I've a
feeling sometime nobody listens.

I want to find out
why they're mad at me.

Oh, that.

Thurston explained that
to me all last night.

What did he say?

Something to do with your diary.

How did he put it?

That nasty habit you have
of always telling the truth.

I wrote down what happened.
I didn't make anything up.

That's probably why
it's the truth.

You wouldn't be mad at me.

I wrote I look at you
like a mother.

Ah, Gilligan,
that's sweet of you.

But I don't think
I will mention it.

- Why not?
- I've an idea that he..

...would rather not be
considered your father.

I wish they'd all write
their own diaries

and maybe they'll stop
being mad at me.

- What are you doing, Gilligan?
- Whittling.

- Must you whittle?
- I won't do if it bothers you.

It bothers me.

- And now?
- Mumbley-peg.

Gilligan, give me that.

Bayonet..

It's the bayonet we took off
that Japanese sailor.

He didn't know the war was over.
And he took them all prisoner.

Of course, I remember.

They were all locked up
in a compound. I rescued them.

- You rescued them?
- Sure, don't you remember?

He was up sleeping on a tree.

I crept up and took
the key around his neck.

- Skipper, how you doing?
- Shh!

Don't bother me,
I'm doing fine.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi.

Can you hold it for me?

'Skipper, use this,
it might go a little faster.'

Thanks.

Gilligan, I have never heard
a more weird fabrication.

You like the way I told it?

Gilligan, I have just
written our experience

with that Japanese
sailor in my diary.

- Your diary?
- Yes.

So that the whole world
will know the truth

after we're rescued.

In these pages, Gilligan,
is exactly what happened.

Why, if it hadn't been
for my heroic feats

'you wouldn't even be here.'

- I wouldn't?
- Now, hear this.

"One by one, my fellow
castaways disappeared.

"In spite of my warnings
that there was danger afoot

"they wandered off only
to be captured by the enemy.

I found myself all alone
except for Gilligan."

What's the matter, boy?

Oh, sir, all of our friends
are captured.

I'm aware of that.

A Japanese sailor
is going to kill them.

Kill them?

Ha! Not while I have
the use of these two arms.

Oh, sir..

He has guns and things and..

All you have
is your bare hands.

Gilligan, I order you
to stay here.

I shall go forth
and free our friends

then turn my mind
to the enemy.

- But what if you are captured?
- You shall never know that lad.

For you would hear nothing
but my steady breathing

throughout his tortures.

Oh, sir.

[band music]

- Skipper, we're doomed.
- Oh, I'm too young to die.

Oh, if I could just see
my darling, Thurston, once more.

Trust me, madam,
to see to it

that you and your husband
are soon reunited.

(Skipper)
Oh! A live hand grenade.

Stand back, ladies.

Sometimes the shrapnel
comes through my fingers

then it goes off.

[boom]

Skipper, what a brave
and dangerous thing you've done.

Now, it's time for
famous Japanese water torture.

I thought it was the
Chinese water torture.

They copied from Japan.

You know I got a good mind
not to torture you.

I have many questions to ask
for you to answer.

Alright now.
Drop by drop.

- That's a mighty big blop.
- I can show you--

No, you don't.
Not as long as I am alive

you don't even get
name or serial number.

Skipper, you have come
to save me.

Nothing can save you or him.

Oh!

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

Holy mackerel.

That's not nice.

Oh! Have you got..

And that, Gilligan,
is actually what happened.

It is?

Of course, I have omitted
some of the parts

where I acted far
and above the call of duty.

- But then all officers do.
- Oh! Yeah.

Now, if it wouldn't be
too much trouble

I have more
that I want to write.

Okay, Skipper.

Uh, Gilligan.

Your bayonet.

No, it's just
I'm a little mixed up.

Not an unusual state,
I might add.

I was talking to Skipper
about the Japanese sailor

and he remembers
everything different.

Well, fortunately, we don't
have to depend on memories.

See, I jotted it all down
in my journal.

Oh!

- You did. What happened to me?
- You were shot.

Oh, no.
That's the wrong page.

"Menace stalked
our tiny little island.

"Despite all my efforts
to protect 'em

"the women were captured.

"I did the only thing I could

I allowed myself
to be captured too."

[dramatic music]

Howell, I never thought
he could outwit you.

A ruse. Clever devise
on my part, my boy.

Getting captured?

Very few men would've
thought about it.

- How do we escape now?
- Ha ha ha.

You just leave everything
to me, huh?

- 'How did you ever do that?'
- Top secret, my boy.

Top secret.

Keep an eye open,
I must rescue everyone.

Oh-ho. It's the time
for execution.

Please, I'm just a young
innocent boy.

Oh, it make no difference.
It's time for execution.

I'm stalling for time, so one of
my brave friends can rescue me.

Oh, it's one
big laugh. Ha!

And a double laugh.
Ha ha.

[laughing]

Alright now.
Don't move.

[speaking Japanese]

I am saved.

How so?
We see who is saved.

Never fear, Gilligan.
Thurston is here.

Ooh!

[instrumental music]

Ahoy!

Sir, thank you.

Come. Let us set
the others free.

No need to worry them, my boy.

I'm sure you
remember now. Hmm?

You and the Skipper
sure don't agree.

That doesn't matter to me,
what is important is

I recorded the whole thing
for posterity.

- Thanks for remembering for me.
- That's alright, Gilligan.

Anytime at all,
feel free to call on me.

Right.

- Ginger.
- Yeah!

- Can I bother you for a minute?
- Of course.

You remember when the Japanese
sailor was here on the island?

- The Japanese sailor?
- Yeah.

- Oh! That's reel 5.
- You were rescued?

No. No, I rescued you.

Oh, you remember it too.

You see. You were
tied to a tree

'and I came through the jungle.'

You know, Japanese sailor, sir.

I'm not the only one here
on the island.

But others are captured too.
So now, I shoot you.

Someone will rescue me
because that's the American way.

I will save you, Gilligan.

Ooh, American movie star
has come for the rescue.

Oh! That's ridiculous.

You think I'm just
a movie star, don't you?

There's something behind that
greasepaint we don't know about?

I'm Secret Agent 372536.

372536?

Oh, mama-san,
that's no secret?

- I am a Judo expert.
- And I'm no rookie. Ha!

You Judo expert.
Alright, what's your rank?

- Holder of the black belt.
- Hurray.

Thank you, Gilligan.

En garde.

[yelling in Japanese]

[thud]

[thud]

[yelling in Japanese]

So much for him.

Ginger, I mean 372536,
you were great.

Oh, thanks, Gilligan.

I've gotta free the others.
I shall return.

And after you ran off
into the jungle

how did I get
out of the tree?

I haven't got into
that part yet, Gilligan.

Come back in an hour,
I'll have it for you.

Okay, Ginger.
Thanks a lot, Ginger.

Everybody look.
I found it. I found it.

- What?
- Gilligan's diary.

It can't be. He threw
it in the lagoon.

Oh, the tide must've
washed it back.

What's that miserable wretch
has to say about this?

- I'll hear that too.
- You better read it, dear.

Alright, listen
to this, Mr. Howell.

"I'm on the island with
Mr. Thurston Howell III.

"I don't have to say who he is

"because he's so rich
that everybody knows him.

"Only, money isn't
important to him.

"He treats me like
I'm just as good as he is.

"Which shows what a
wonderful person he is.

"And his wife Mrs. Howell, when
they made up the word 'lady'

"that's who they were
talking about.

"The Skipper, well, he proved
what a captain should be.

"If it wasn't for him,
we all would've drowned.

"He piloted the ship,
and he kept us all safe

"and I wouldn't be writing this
if it weren't for him.

"And then there's a real live
movie star with us.

"Boy, I'd have been afraid
to ask for her autograph

'"let alone talk to her,
but she's like a real person'

and everybody loves her
because she's so good."

Well, there is more.

You can all read it if you like.

Hi, everybody.
Still mad at me?

- Oh, Gilligan, little buddy.
- Little buddy?

Whenever has it been
anything else?

A while ago, you told me--

Skipper, why don't you give
Gilligan a chair.

Of course, Gilligan,
Sit down.

Gilligan, my boy I'd..

...like you to accept
my humble apologies.

Oh, well, you're gonna
apologize to me, Mr. Howell?

Absolutely.

Would you like some
coconut juice, Gilligan?

Thank you.
Oh, my diary.

Oh, gee, I'd like to write
all this down in my diary.

Well, I guess it's just a dream.

- No, don't!
- Oh, not that one, we won't.

That book must be preserved
at any cost.

- I don't understand.
- What he means, Gilligan, is..

We see ourselves
as we are, and you see us

'as we would like to be.'

You got me more mixed up now.

Let me try. Gilligan,
what he's trying to say is that

the book means more to us,
than it does to you.

"A Boy Scout's Guide
Through New Jersey"?

We thought it was your diary.

- Oh, no, I hid that.
- Good.

And someday, I'll remember
where I hid it.

¶ Now this is the tale
of our castaways ¶

¶ There here
for a long long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make
the others comfortable ¶

¶ In their tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motor car ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ As primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ For seven
stranded castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's Isle ¶