Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 28 - They're Off and Running - full transcript

["The Ballad Of
Gilligan's Isle"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started
from this tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailin' man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three-hour tour ¶

¶ A three-hour tour ¶

[thunder rumbling]



¶ The weather started
getting rough ¶

¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore ¶

¶ Of this uncharted
desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest ¶

¶ Are here on Gilligan's Isle ¶¶



[all cheering]

Come on, Howell. Come on.

You've come
from a long line of winners.

The Howell silks
across that line, baby.

- 'Move.'
- 'Come on.'

[cheering continues]

- This is a race, move.
- Come on.

[all screaming]

See you later,
Lovey darling.

That was a wonderful race.
Congratulations, Skipper.

- You did it again, Skipper.
- Did what again?

- Lost for the 38th time.
- No, no, 39th time.

You see,
I'm keeping track.

No hard feelings,
I hope, Skipper.

Naturally not, Howell.
It's a pleasure losing to you.

I lie awake, trying to figure
how to make it easier for you.

You gonna keep losing
to Mr. Howell's turtle?

We will have a race
day after tomorrow.

- Alright with you?
- You're gonna race again?

- No.
- 'No, no?'

That doesn't sound like
the Skipper we know.

- Does it, Gilligan?
- Yes, it does.

He always gets grumpy
when he doesn't win.

You're not giving up after
39 tries. Are you, Skipper?

I'll never give up, Howell.
In fact, I'll beat you.

Just that I haven't got
anything left to wager.

- You've won it all.
- That's right.

Your sneakers, binoculars,
compass, all that stuff.

Thanks for
the itemized list, Gilligan.

Well, of course, you're
overlooking one prize.

Mrs. Howell's done a magnificent
job of roughing it out here.

Back home, let's face it,
she does has downstairs maid

upstairs maid, butler,
chauffeur, all kinda services.

Even here, she has me
looking for a houseboy.

A houseboy?

But where on this island
would one find a houseboy?

Skipper, I'll bet you
my 60-foot yacht

against Gilligan's service
as a houseboy

until such time
as we leave the island.

Never. You can bet the
Queen Mary and I'll never do it.

I'll pay him
the same wages as you do.

No, you won't, Howell.

Nobody is gonna underpay
my little buddy except me.

You're all heart,
Skipper.

[theme music]

- What are you doing, Gilligan?
- Putting hay in the stable.

Hay in the stable?

It's only a turtle,
but after 39 races

he must be beginning
to feel like a horse.

As far as Mr. Howell's
is concerned, yes.

But, mine, you can put
mine out to pasture.

He likes it here.
Don't you, Rex?

- Rex?
- Yeah.

He reminds me of a friend,
Rex Stonecipher.

See, Skipper,
he knows me.

Never mind that,
Gilligan.

Get rid of him
and get a faster turtle.

- But you were through racing.
- I'm through losing.

Oh, come on, Rex.
Here you go, boy.

Bye-bye.

[sighing]

'Look, for 39 races,
he ran in one spot.'

Now he's moving like
he's going someplace in a hurry.

- Gimme that carrot.
- It's mine. Get your own.

- Mary Ann has a whole garden.
- I want to test something.

[sighing]

We're in, Gilligan.
We're in.

We finally found a way
to beat Howell's turtle.

My turtle loves carrots.

All you do is stand at the
finish line, wave a carrot..

- What did you call him?
- Who?

- The turtle.
- Oh, Rex. Rex Stonecipher.

- Had an older brother, Max.
- Never mind his brother.

Oh, Gilligan. Hold this.

Oh, attaboy.
Rexy baby.

You're gonna win the next race
for me, aren't you?

You have to stand
on the finish line

hold a carrot
and we can't lose.

Skipper, you win
a 6-foot sloop.

I'll be your first mate,
we'll go--

Hold it. Hold it.

If I race Howell,
I'll be betting your services.

Tell you what, Skipper.

I insist you bet
my service as a houseboy.

You'll do it?
You insist?

Oh, little buddy,
that's wonderful.

You've, uh,
changed your mind?

- I have.
- You want to race me again?

I do, Mr. Howell.

Still willing to bet
Gilligan's services?

I am, uh, that is, we are.

- Why?
- Why not?

Look, Captain, I didn't get
into my present exalted position

in the world of finance by
accepting things at face value.

You think you have
a chance of winning.

The question before
the board is...how come?

No secret, fact is we've knitted
a pair of wings for my turtle

and he's gonna fly through
the air with greatest of ease.

Mr. Howell, turtles couldn't fly
even if they did have wings.

Ginger, kindly
pay attention.

Certainly not if
the wings were knitted.

I think that Skipper's
pulling your leg.

Never mind my leg, it's
his sleeve I'm worried about.

He's got something up it.

Oh, and you want me
to find out what it is.

Ha ha, you're right
on the target, girl.

- From Gilligan, of course.
- Bull's eye.

Don't back away, Gilligan.
I just wanna talk to you.

I'm not, just that
my-my back itches

and I'm gonna scratch it
on the tree.

I'll scratch it for you.

You know, Gilligan,
when I'm a famous movie star

I'm gonna have my own yacht
and you can be my captain.

A little lower.

And we'll sail away to
magic ports of call, won't we?

Yeah, a little,
little bit to the left.

- How's that?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I can't be your captain
because I've got to be

the first mate for-for
the Skipper and his yacht.

Oh, you mean, the one
Mr. Howell is bidding?

Uh-huh,
a little bit higher.

- Gilligan..
- Huh?

Do you have a turtle that's
faster than Mr. Howell's?

I'm not allowed to tell
anything about that.

Oh, you can tell me
about it.

How's that? Is that
the right spot?

Yeah. That's it.

Tell me about everything,
Gilligan.

So you told her everything, eh?

Then she ran from you to Howell
and told him everything.

Gilligan, I've taught you what
to do when Ginger was after you.

Sorry, I tried to remember.

- But-but--
- But what?

She started scratching my back
against a tree

found a favorite spot, and I
don't know what my mouth said.

Gilligan, I don't want
anymore talking. You understand?

Luckily, Mr. Howell can't
do anything about this.

- Morning, Mary Ann.
- Hi, Skipper. Hi, Gilligan.

- What's the matter?
- I'm not allowed to talk.

Mary Ann, could we have
a couple of your carrots?

I'm sorry, Skipper, not unless
Mr. Howell says it's okay.

What? W-w-what's Mr. Howell
got to do with your carrots?

Well, his carrots. He bought
them over an hour ago.

Five thousand dollars
for 50 carrots.

Fifty carrots
for $5,000?

How's your
long division, Skipper?

Oh, never mind
my long division, Gilligan.

If we can't have carrots

we'll try some of your turnips.
Maybe they'll work.

I'm sorry, Skipper.

- He bought those too?
- Mm-hm.

All eight plants for $4,000.

Eight plants
for $4,000?

Never mind
the long division, Gilligan.

All that you have left is your
wild lettuce. We'll try that.

- He bought that too.
- He bought that too.

Three thousand dollars.

Three thousand dollars
for the wild lettuce

and 9,000 and then 4,000

and 4,000 is..

- Gilligan, would you stop that?
- I think I'm all mixed up.

Well, I'll straighten
you out, mate.

Find something
that's as good as carrots.

Something that my turtle
will like better.

And do it before the race
so I can win.

That's an order.

- Hi, Professor.
- Hi, Gilligan.

I'm glad you got
shipped wrecked with us.

I'm not sure, but I know
you meant it as a compliment.

I do. You're
a smart man.

- You know lots of things.
- Such as?

What our turtle would eat
since we don't have carrots.

I'm not an authority
on that subject.

You see, I'm not
a herpetologist.

That's okay because he isn't
a herp, he's a turtle.

A herpetologist is--

Professor, what do you think
he'd like to eat?

Well, you might try
seaweed or moss

or plants
or even grass.

- I'm really--
- Seaweed, grass, moss.

Okay, thanks a lot,
Professor.

Seaweed is rich
in iron and vitamin C

just like in orange juice.

You'd run when you see me
holding seaweed at finish line.

'And it'll make you grow up
to be a strong turtle.'

Besides that, it tastes good.
Just look at Gilligan.

Look happy, like you're
eating some steak.

See? Gilligan just
loves it. Don't you?

I hate it.

Turtle will hear it.
Eat some more.

Maybe you'd rather
have some of this grass.

Here we are.

You make that grass
look good, Gilligan.

Down to the moss now.

Here, try some moss.

'Here, Gilligan. Make
the moss look good.'

Gilligan, he's eating the moss.

He's eating the moss.

We're back in business.
We're back in business.

That's it.

'Eat!'

(Skipper)
'Come on, turtle, move.
Spin a little.'

- 'Get up there.'
- 'Come on.'

'Oh, no. He's winning again.'

(Howell)
'Ha ha ha.'

What went wrong, Gilligan?
What happened?

I don't know, Skipper. He sure
went for the moss in practice.

- In practice? What practice?
- We practiced all afternoon.

He must have put away
25-30 pounds of moss..

Nice try, Skipper.
Come on, Gilligan.

Mrs. Howell has a million
and one things to show you

before you serve us our dinner.

- Goodbye, Skipper.
- Houseboy, there you go.

[theme music]

Darling, I'm so delighted
that your turtle won the race.

Yes, it does make life
more bearable, doesn't it, mm?

I just adore having a butler
and an upstairs maid

a downstairs maid
and a cook and a gardener

and a chauffeur and a houseboy,
even if Gilligan is all of them.

Even here, I can provide
my wife with a staff of servant.

Staff of servant.
Darling, you're brilliant.

Where's that boy
with my drink? Gilligan!

- 'Coming, Mr. Howell.'
- Hurry up, will you, huh?

- Your drink, sir.
- Oh, thank you.

Gilligan, help me
with this yarn.

- Certainly, Mrs. Howell.
- My, my!

The market is going
higher and higher.

How did you get
a newspaper on the island?

My news boy has
a strong right arm.

We've had that same paper ever
since we were ship wrecked.

Mr. Howell reads
the financial page every day.

The market doesn't go up
and it's very comforting

because it doesn't
go down either.

This punch is off. Put some more
papaya or something in it.

- Certainly, Mr. Howell.
- Alright.

Gilligan, my yarn.

Oh, sorry, Mrs. Howell.

You're getting me
all tangled up, son.

- What's the matter with you?
- Oh, Gilligan, this way.

Oh, Gilligan!

Gilligan!

Oh!

Right.
There goes the whole..

...New York Exchange.

Oh, my beautiful knitting.

Hello, Professor.

You really miss Gilligan,
don't you, Skipper?

I do. It's not
the same around the hut.

I mean, nobody to yell at,
that is discuss things a bit.

He used to help me with chores.
I'm like a ship without rudder.

We all go through
this sort of thing, Skipper.

We don't appreciate what
we got until we lose it.

I suppose you're right.

Where are you going?

Over to visit what I lost.

Gilligan. Hey, Gilligan.

Tradesmen around
the rear, please.

It's me,
your Skipper.

Do you have
an appointment?

Need an appointment
to see my little buddy?

No, to see the Howells.

Besides being a houseboy,
I'm a butler and a chauffeur.

Chauffeur?

That part is easy.
We don't have a car.

I think they're
overworking you.

You must feel like a prisoner
here taking all these jobs.

No, Skipper. I get
every other Thursday off.

- You don't miss me.
- I miss you.

- Miss you a lot.
- Nobody to yell at you?

Mr. Howell yells
but not half as loud.

The place is messy
but not messy as ours.

Mrs. Howell can't give orders.
She says "please."

What do you expect
from a woman?

I miss being
your first mate.

I'll get you back,
little buddy.

How? You've
nothing left to bet.

I have, Skipper, look.
It's my boy's scout knife.

There's a spoon and there's
a fork and there's a blade

a nail file and tweezers

a key ring and a corkscrew.
Take it.

N-no, Gilligan, I couldn't.
Suppose I lose?

He'll have me and the knife
and I'll use it as much as now.

- If you win, you win me back.
- No, Gilligan.

I shouldn't have bet
you against his sloop

and to take your possession,
I couldn't do it.

- Even if I insist?
- Even if you insist.

Mr. Howell, it would've
brought tears to your eyes.

From laughing. Get on
with your housework, boy?

Please,
one more race?

The Skipper has
nothing left to wager.

He has my
boy scout knife.

- The one with the corkscrew?
- Yeah, screwdriver, nail file.

- And the compass?
- Yeah.

And a can opener,
key ring and tweezers.

You're leaving something out.

- Huh? Oh, knife blade.
- Yes, yes.

Gilligan, my boy,
I'll admit that I've had my eye

on that knife
for some time, but, uh

how come you're willing
to bet your dearest possession?

After all, I've won
40 races.

What makes you think
I'm gonna start losing now?

I was thinking, maybe,
if you lost on purpose--

Me, a Howell,
lose on purpose?

But you have everything,
yachts, oil wells, banks.

And money.

Big corporations.
Everybody looks up to you..

What does
the Skipper have? Me!

It's all he has and...
Mr. Howell, it'd mean so much

for him to win me
and little for you to lose me.

Please, Mr. Howell?

Gilligan, my boy,
you're a fine young man.

Your story would melt a man
with a heart of stone.

But, fortunately,
my cronies call me

"Old, granite heart, Howell."

Gilligan, tell the Skipper
I'm willing to race.

May the best turtle win.

Naturally, I have
the best turtles.

No one challenges a Howell
and comes through unscaved.

- Comes through what?
- Unscaved.

Oh, Mr. Howell, after
you through unscaving him

will he be able to scave again?

Don't ever say that, will you?

- Yes, sir.
- And, Gilligan.

Take good care
of my knife.

- You mean my knife?
- Until the race.

If the Skipper
is man enough to race me.

Imagine the nerve
of that houseboy, Lovey.

Asking Thurston Howell
to let the Skipper win a race.

Well, after all, dear,
Gilligan's vote

is strictly humanitarian.

Yeah, those are
the worse kinds.

Darling, the Skipper's awfully
unhappy without Gilligan.

If you don't see tears, it's
'cause I'm crying on the inside.

Darling, we don't really
need a houseboy.

There's nothing
for him to do.

Well, I'm simply aghast.

Mrs. Thurston Howell is used
to a staff of servants.

Yes, I know, dear, but I've
grown used to doing without.

Spoken like a true aristocrat
and I'm very proud of you.

Even here marooned on this
island as Chairman of the Board

I can still provide you
with some creature comforts.

Oh, in other words--

In other words, I will not lose
to the Skipper on purpose.

Now, the matter
is closed, dear.

It says, uh, "Very soon now,
you're gonna meet

a big, strong, handsome man."

Huh! Fat chance.

Not unless one drops out
of an airplane.

If your horoscope says,
you're gonna meet him.

Where am I gonna meet
a big, strong, handsome man?

- Hi, girls.
- Hi, Skipper.

There he is,
a big-strong-handsome man.

And you just met him.

Ginger, the Skipper's been
with us now for several months.

Let me see what else
your horoscope says.

It says, "If you
don't believe in horoscopes

why don't you go back
to your vegetable garden?"

Oh, well,
guess I will.

Uh, bye, Mary Ann.
What was that all about?

I was just reading
her horoscope, Skipper.

Like me to read yours? You know,
you-you'd be surprised.

If you really follow it,
everything works out right.

- What day is your birthday?
- Um, uh, the 5th of May.

Oh, you're Taurus.

You're under
the sign of the bull.

I knew I was under
the sign of something.

I thought it was
the eight ball.

Oh, let's see.
The 16th is your day.

Sixteen, that'll be tomorrow.

Yeah, it says,
"Strike hard, strike fast.

"The race is to the swift.

And on the 16th,
you will be the swiftest."

Th-the race?
Is that what it says?

- I'll be the swiftest?
- Yeah.

It says, "A day's delay
will be too late.

Seize your opportunity
by the horns."

I guess that's because
you're Taurus.

"And win, win, win."

I'll do it, Ginger.
Thanks a million, I'll do it.

- Don't wanna hear the rest?
- Oh, no, I've heard enough.

Thank you. Good news.

[whistles]

[knocking]

(Skipper)
'Gilligan. Hey, Gilligan.'

Who's there?

You know who's there.
I'll do it.

I'll bet
your boy scout knife

against Howell,
if he'll bet you back.

Now, understand. I'll race him,
but it's got to be tomorrow.

- Why?
- Well, because I'm Taurus.

Where?

Never mind, Gilligan.

Just tell Howell
I'll race him tomorrow.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

- Tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Mrs. Howell.

The Skipper seems
terribly confident.

Yeah, I just wish I was.

All I'm trying to do
is make Thurston

be the kind of man he really is,
despite himself.

Now, I'll just
change you turtles around.

The Skipper's turtle
will go in our pen.

There!

Oh, our turtle's bigger.

Oh, and our turtle..

...goes in this pen.

There!

I almost forgot.

There!

Now, the Skipper will win

and Gilligan can go back
where he belongs.

Ah, thank goodness, it's night.

And no one can
see what I'm doing.

Word ever got back to the States
that Thurston Howell

deliberately did a good deed,
I'll lose my window seat

at the Union League Club.

Forgive me. Here we go.

[laughing]

Oh, you little..

Here we are.

Don't mind, do you?
Let's see, now.

The Howell.

Ingenious, hm?

[sighs]

Perfect crime.

You, cunning..

I'll be darned. I must have
reached him after all.

[knocking]

Yes, who is it?

- Your ex-first mate.
- Gilligan!

My little buddy. You..

- Oh!
- No, no, Skipper.

Just came to tell you
don't worry.

- You're gonna win tomorrow.
- You bet I will.

Granite-hearted Howell switched
turtles, you got the fast one.

- He what?
- I saw him do it, yeah.

I don't wanna win
the race that way.

You wanna win me back?

Certainly, I do,
Gilligan, but honorably.

Could you sleep nights, knowing
that that race was fixed?

- I could sleep anytime.
- Well, I couldn't.

We're going and putting those
turtles back where they belong.

[sighs]

- He what?
- Shh.

He changed them back.

After the trouble I went
so he'd win?

He doesn't
wanna win that way.

- You know what he's doing?
- Scaving? Unscaving?

Don't look a gift horse in the
mouth. I won't stand for it.

When Howell
makes up his mind to be

a decent honest person,
nobody, shh

and I repeat, nobody
stands in his way.

Good for you,
Mr. Decent Human Being.

Go put the turtles
the way they were, hurry up.

Say goodnight
to teddy.

No, go back.

You're not supposed
to win.

Don't go back
that way.

(Professor)
'Slow down. Not so fast.'

- Don't win. Please don't.
- He's gonna win again.

Come on, get a move on.

- 'Come on.'
- 'Come on, Skipper.'

- Oh, Skipper.
- Very good, come on, Tiger.

(Howell)
'No, don't finish.
Fall or anything.'

No, go back. You are not
supposed to win this time.

You're not supposed
to win this time.

Oh, it can't be.
It just can't be.

- My knife.
- His knife.

I-I tried to be nice.
I really tried.

But I-I still came out
on top. I mean, what..

Ah, there you are, Skipper.

Any of that good,
old betting spirit left?

I have a pebble in one
of these hands and you guess.

If you guess which hand
has the pebble, you win.

Go ahead, go ahead.
Choose one, choose one.

There you are.
I win, you lose.

Which means you
get Gilligan back.

- Gilligan.
- You rang, sir?

- I'm giving you to the Skipper.
- Skipper?

But I thought you said
I lost the bet.

Exactly. You see, when
Gilligan was my houseboy

he washed my shirts
and he ironed my trousers.

When you're betting
to see who gets Gilligan

the loser is the winner.

Go away.

¶ They're here
for a long long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his Skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make
the others comfortable ¶

¶ In the tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motorcars ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ It's primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven stranded
castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶¶