Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 24 - The Return of Wrongway Feldman - full transcript

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started
from this tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailin' man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three-hour tour ¶

¶ A three-hour tour ¶

[thunder rumbling]

¶ The weather
started getting rough ¶



¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore ¶

¶ Of this uncharted
desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest ¶

¶ Are here on Gilligan's Isle ¶

There's the plane.
Ah-ha. The plane!



Oh, yeah. Let me see.
Let me see.

(Gilligan)
'Oh, yeah. It is a plane.'

Oh, oh.
It's Wrong Way Feldman!

He's come back..

- Wrong Way!
- Good to see you.

- Good to see you.
- Oh, thanks, Professor. Thanks.

Girls, why don't you fix
Wrong Way something to eat?

- Okay.
- Oh, alright.

What about help?
Are they sending a boat?

You won't believe
what a trip I had.

I had to crash.
I was attacked by a giant Eagle.

- An Eagle. How dreadful.
- Yeah.

I almost shot it down

until I saw it was
one of ours...American.

Alright, alright, Wrong Way.
But what about the rescue?

Boy, it took two months to get
this plane off the ground.

- 'Two months?'
- It was in a museum's cellar.

I had a double of a time
gettin' it through the door.

The stairs were alright,
but the door was narrow.

- Are they gonna send a boat?
- So we can be rescued?

- Did you notify authorities?
- Certainly not.

- Why would I do that?
- So we can get off the island.

And leave this paradise?

You mean to say that
nobody knows that you're here?

Oh, to tell the truth,
I don't know where I am.

Then we're not gonna be rescued?

Of course, not. And you could be
sure that nobody followed me.

I flew with my light off.

Tell me. Why did
you come back here?

To get away from that horrid
thing you call civilization.

You can have the modern world.

Rush, rush, rush.
Push, push, push.

- I don't want no part of it.
- But we wanna go home.

My boy, this is your home.

And it's gonna be mine...
for the rest of my life.

Be reasonable, Wrong Way. You've
gotta go back and get help.

I am not leaving this here
island. We're better off here.

But Wrong Way, we're homesick,
we miss the States.

What's there to miss?

All that hustle and bustle,
the trains, the subways

the whistles, the noise,
no privacy.

Ho ho. This is the life.

Earth, trees, grass, nature.

But when we get back, you can
go live in Yellowstone Park.

I tried that already.
Even the bears are civilized.

They wear boy scout uniforms.
Put out fires.

But Wrong Way, we wanna go back.
Won't you think about it?

There is nothing to think about.

You don't wanna eat
pineapples and coconuts

for the rest of your life.

That's better than
what I ate in New York.

What a restaurant that was!

They couldn't even get
a simple order straight.

All I asked for was
a plain T-bone steak.

- Steak?
- 'Yeah, a T-bone.'

And what did they bring me,
a filet, that thick.

That thick?

I like mine well done, you see

and this was all red
and juicy inside.

'So I sent it back.
And they bring me another.'

This was well done alright.

But they put a lot of mushrooms
and that bearnaise sauce.

And I couldn't even
get the waitress' eye.

She was busy with some glutton
with a French pastry tray.

'All that chocolate
and custard and whipped cream.'

That thick?

All that pushin' shovin'.

I don't know what you wanna go
back there for ever.

- 'Wrong Way.'
- 'Yeah.'

Tell me about that steak again.

Thurston, I don't
think we should.

Now, there's nothing wrong
with the old fashioned bribe.

It's the only way I can get
him to take us back.

I don't think it's gonna work.
He's terribly honest.

Every man has his price.

If he rescues us, I'll promise
him, one of our oil wells.

You mean you'll give him
one of our oil wells?

I didn't say give.

I said promise to,
there's a difference.

Don't worry about
the Old Wolf of Wall street.

- Good luck, darling.
- You leave. I'll handle him.

I understand that you're really
serious about not going back.

I'm sorry, Howell.

It's something
you would know nothin' about.

It does not concern money.

No, no. You misjudge me. I've
been doing a lot of thinking.

I don't even think
about money anymore.

Why? Have we gone off
the gold standard?

No, no, you're laughing at me.
I agree with you completely.

I think the world's
in a terrible mess.

And I don't wanna
leave either.

- You must be kidding.
- No, no, I mean it.

It's a good thing
that you're not over there

now, with all that spendin'
and buildin'.

Must be terrible.

Oh, with all the money wasted

on factories, buildings
high-rise apartments.

Awful.

And the rents. The landlords
just rakin' it in.

Ghastly!

And those flimsy new apartments
in New York.

- They're so expensive.
- I know, I know. I own one.

Oh, yes. I was surprised
to find out

that your rents are the lowest
in that whole area.

Me? I have the lowest rents.

You will be happy to know
that your building

is the only one
still under rent control.

Leave the others make the money,
you have the peace of mind.

You couldn't stand it
if you was there right now.

Why, the stock market's
gone crazy.

People are makin' money
hand over fist.

Land values are soarin',
and the new tax cuts.

And the bank rates are goin' up.
I tell you, that's a sickness.

Money, money, money.

Stop!

[sobbing]
Have you no mercy?

(Wrong Way)
'Musicals are even worse
than the dramas.'

I've seen seven in New York.

There was one that was any good.
It had this young girl in it.

- About your age.
- Oh, yeah?

She even looked like you.

Maybe you know her.
Debbie Dorson.

- She was my roommate.
- She's the toast of Broadway.

I met her back stage.

'Poor girl, with the reporters
and photographers.'

I could've had that part
if I was there.

Oh, you're lucky, you didn't.
Poor kid. No time for herself.

'Rushin' around
with the movie office'

'and the publicity stills
and the interviews.'

'What kind of life is that
for a young girl?'

[sniffling]

That's alright, honey.
You have a good cry.

I feel the same way
about poor Debbie

facin' a life like that.

I tried talking to him too, but
he's determined to stay here.

But one thing for sure, hasn't
been good on the morale here.

Ginger hasn't stopped crying
and Mr. Howell's threatening

to jump of his steamer trunk.

I could fly that plane.
Wrong Way taught me. Remember?

It's ignition, contact, choke,
throttle, stick, flaps.

Say, that's worth a try.

Flaps, choke, throttle,
stick, contact?

Never mind, Gilligan.

You couldn't make it
to the cockpit.

If there were only some reason
Wrong Way had to go back.

Yes, a real good reason.
Like an emergency or something.

Hey, that's it. A doctor!

'When I was in the navy, we had
to send to port for a doctor.'

Maybe you've
got something there.

I could pretend
I was sick.

You won't have to pretend.
You'll just mess it up.

I'll take care of this. You
find Wrong Way while I get set.

[Skipper groaning]

There he is,
something's wrong with him.

- Where does it hurt?
- Right here, Wrong Way.

It might be your appendix
or you've eaten wild radishes.

I think it's
my appendix, Wrong Way.

- He needs a doctor.
- Right, he needs an operation.

- We have to get a doctor.
- Not necessary, I'll do it.

You can take out an appendix?

Of course, under
battlefield conditions.

I've done it for my old friend,
Bucky Lorenzo.

- But I think I need a doctor.
- That's what Bucky said too.

But it come out beautifully.

Of course, I did make
the incision a little too long

but that didn't
bother Old Bucky.

He just wore his bathing suit
a little higher up.

I feel great. You won't
have to operate after all.

They all say that.
Hold him down, Gilligan.

What are you doing?

You'll be alright.
Take it easy.

Idiot, there's nothing
wrong with me.

Oh, yeah. We have
to get you out of here.

Alright, Gilligan, I'll be back.
I gotta burn these instruments.

How can you operate
without any anesthetic?

I'll do what I did for Bucky.
Hit him with a monkey wrench.

Oh, but, Wrong Way.
You won't have to.

See, I feel great.
Look, I'm dancing.

- Delirious, already.
- I can run too. See?

I guess, now's the time.

[Skipper screaming]

Maybe it was
the wild radishes, after all.

- How do you feel?
- Fine.

Make this look good, Gilligan.
It might be our last chance.

- I'll do my best.
- Remember the symptoms.

You've gotta make him think
that you've got Bola Bola Fever.

Dry mouth, stomach ache,
dizziness, ringing ears

and sore head.

Oh, yeah. I hope
it'll look bad enough.

Don't worry, Gilligan.
Just be yourself.

[Wrong Way shouting]
'Mary Ann!'

Mary Ann, you've got any
of that fried coconut left?

- Get going.
- Yes, sir.

[wheezing heavily]

Gilligan, what is it?

[continues wheezing]

What's wrong?

I got a dry mouth,
stomach ache

dizziness, ringing ears
and a sore head.

Gilligan, little buddy. You look
awful. What's the matter?

I got a dry mouth..

[whispering]
You know.

He's been staggering along..

What do you think, Wrong Way?

Could be Jungle Fever,
then it..

[Gilligan laughing
and moaning]

- Really hurts?
- O-oh, bad. Real bad.

- I don't believe it.
- Fever?

No, it's another appendicitis.
You better get my Monkey wrench.

Oh, no. I think
you're wrong, Wrong Way.

- He's hot.
- Oh, I'm burning up.

- I'm on fire, fire.
- It's Bola Bola fever.

I thought it's Bola Bola fever
but he don't have the symptoms.

He doesn't? What are some
of the other ones?

Well, faintin' spells for..

It's serious, Wrong Way.

No, it's not as serious,
it's probably just

a 24-hour Bola Bola.

How do you know?

Because with a serious Bola Bola
you get nosebleeds.

We'll be right back.

No, no, no, that's tropical
Bola Bola fever!

No, with the Bola Bola,
you just have the fainting!

He's getting worse.
He needs help.

You're right, maybe the
professor can fix him up, huh?

Wrong Way,
he needs a doctor.

Well, that would mean
going back to Hawaii.

I'll have to think that over.

Going back to Hawaii?

Skipper, if I see Wrong Way,
do I have to faint again?

No, you did it
enough yesterday.

We haven't convinced him
by now, it's no use.

Good. I hate to faint. It hurts
when you hit the ground.

- Good morning.
- Good Morning, Mary Ann.

Where is Wrong Way?
Isn't he having breakfast?

He's probably asleep.

I went to wake him
and he wasn't there.

Maybe he's down
at the lagoon.

Your coffee will
be ready in a minute.

(Professor)
'Hey.'

Gilligan. Everybody.
He's gone.

Who's gone?

Wrong Way.
He's gone to get help.

- It worked! It worked!
- What's all this excitement?

It's Wrong Way. I found this
note at the clearing. Listen.

"Being a man of conscience
and principle

I found myself faced
with a difficult--"

Never mind the memoirs.
Get to the important part.

"And so I decided Gilligan's
life is more important

"than my selfish needs.

"Thus I have gone
to the mainland.

"It's a far, far
better thing I do.

Be right back."

Oh! Thurston,
we're gonna be rescued.

Yes, unless he's gone the wrong
way again. It is a possibility.

I wonder what's
taking him so long.

Hope he can find Hawaii.

I wonder if they'll send
a boat or a plane.

Where he landed, they'll
probably send a kayak.

You know the first thing
I do when I get back

I'm going to have
a thick juicy steak!

I can't wait to see my mother.
I've never been gone this long.

Me too.

I can't wait to see my name up
in lights, Ginger Googenheimer.

Isn't you name, Ginger Grant?

Yeah. But if my name's
gonna be in lights

I want as many lights
as I can get.

Oh. I think I'll have
a nice ice cold beer, too.

I just wanna sleep
in a nice soft bed.

What are you
gonna do, Mr. Howell?

- Double the rent.
- Oh, Thurston.

- Is that wrong, Lovey?
- Well, Of course it is.

Triple the rent.

[propeller running]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Wrong Way.
You made it back.

- Mission accomplished.
- You did it, Wrong Way.

Please! Please!

Being a man of conscience
and principle

I found myself faced--

What is that? Your graduation
speech? We've heard that before.

Here you are, Gilligan.

- What is it?
- The Bola Bola serum.

But what about a doctor?
Isn't someone following you?

Certainly not!

I had a hard time gettin'
that without bein' noticed.

- You didn't contact anyone?
- And give up our privacy?

You're lucky nobody
seen me leave.

I had to take off behind
a pack of pelicans.

- Nobody knows we're here?
- Not from me.

[moaning]

Fainted, huh?

It's a good thing I got back
in time. Looks like an epidemic.

- See anything, Professor?
- No, not yet.

We should keep looking. Somebody
might have followed him.

Here, I'll take over
for a while.

I was sure Wrong Way was gonna
come back with a doctor.

That state of mind, he should've
brought back a psychiatrist.

- Hey, there's Wrong Way.
- 'Wonderful.'

'He's leaning up
against the trees.'

(Professor)
'Well, I guess he's got what
he wants. Peace and serenity.'

What I wouldn't give
for a little noise!

Me, too. I miss all the shoving
and shouting and pushing.

I could use a little
of that myself.

Saturday night at the library,
the hustle and bustle

at the reference desks.

You'd give Wrong Way a little
hustle-bustle. Shake him up.

What if we did give Wrong Way
a little hustle-bustle?

He'd get so mad,
he'd leave the island.

That's it! We'll give him what
he's been complaining about.

We'll make this island twice
as bad as civilization.

- He'd sure be glad to get out.
- Right!

[banging]

[banging continues]

[sawing]

(Wrong Way)
What's goin' on here?

Well, everybody up.
It's time to work.

- Work?
- Certainly. Didn't you know?

- We're trying to build a city.
- A city?

- Sure, just like back home.
- Yeah, we gotta get civilized.

Fine. You folks get civilized.
I'm goin' back to bed.

Just a minute, Wrong Way.
Not so fast.

You take this sledge,
get over there

and start driving
those stakes in.

[grunts]
Why me?

- Everyone does his part.
- Wh-what's your part?

My part is to see that you do
your part. I'm the foreman.

Now, start driving that
stake in the ground.

You better hurry up
with the clay.

The Professor's waiting
to bake the bread.

This is the first time I've ever
been in a six-day clay ride.

[siren hooting]

- What's that?
- Coffee break.

- Ah, thank goodness.
- Don't stop.The clay's hot.

How am I gonna drink my coffee?

I'll get it for you.
Don't slow down.

- Lay it hard.
- 'Yeah.'

Here you are.

Umm! That's awful.
What is that?

- It's coffee!
- It's coffee?

Oh, we make it
from fish.

I mean, the instant's not
as good as the regular, but..

No, I don't want anymore.

Skipper, he's ready.

A little cream cheese on a roll?
A prune bagel?

Well, come one. Don't stop
pumping, Wrong Way.

There's lots more clay
where this came from.

Pump! That's it, pump!

Okay, Wrong Way. You work here
for a while on the freeway.

Freeway? What do we need
a freeway for?

We don't even have
one single car.

Well, we can't let everything
go to the last minute.

He's in charge.
See you later.

Oh, you're the new man, eh?

I ain't never done
this kind of work.

You'll adore it, getting down
to Mother Earth.

There's nothing like feeling
dirt against your opera gloves.

Freeway?

How else are we gonna get
to the music center?

Not to mention the art museum
and the city hall.

It's part of our
slum clearance project.

- Oh!
- Oh, darling. How marvelous.

We haven't finished the freeway,
we've had our first accident.

Just don't stand there.
Get to work.

- You've got an axe.
- Yes, you've to work over here.

And when you've finished
chopping that tree down

there's 15 more,
just like it over there.

Well, how'd it go, Wrong Way?
Are you finished?

Just about.
What's for supper?

Oh, soup and salad

fish, oh, yes.

And Ginger made one of her
delicious desserts.

Oh, great, 'cause
I'm almost starved.

- Oh, too bad you missed it.
- Hmm?

[sobbing]

- Who's that?
- Tired, huh, Wrong Way?

Whatever gave you that idea.

There's one thing that's so nice
about the islands.

Peace and quiet.

No traffic noises
to wake you up.

No noisy neighbors.

Can't you two shut up
and get a little sleep?

- Goodnight, Wrong Way.
- Ah, yeah.

Goodnight, Wrong Way.

- I said goodnight!
- Goodnight, already.

Skipper, do you mind if I read?

- No, not at all.
- How about you, Wrong Way?

[mumbling]

So nice and quiet.

Hey, what is this,
a hut or a lighthouse?

Don't wanna ruin my eyes.

See, Reggie stood
at the doorway

his finger on the trigger
of the stub-nosed 38.

His eyes were transfixed..

Hey, Skipper, what does
this mean here?

- 'What?'
- 'Here.'

Do you mind?

I'm not sure, Gilligan.

Please, I gotta get some sleep.

Alright, Gilligan.
Turn off the light.

[crunching]

- What was that? An earthquake?
- Just an apple, you want one?

Hey, you got any
carrots over there?

- No, I got some celery.
- Okay.

[crunching]

Eat a nice, quiet banana.
Get some sleep.

Oh, Wrong Way. You can sleep
late tomorrow morning.

- I can?
- Sure. Tomorrow's Saturday.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Wonderful. Thank you, Skipper.

Thank you. I can sleep,
I can sleep.

[crunching]

- What's the matter?
- I'm too excited.

I can't sleep.

- Where is he now?
- He's probably at the lagoon.

I haven't let him
wash in three days.

Well, I hope
he's down there.

He better break pretty soon,
or we will.

I can't work anymore. I've got
a good excuse tomorrow.

I promised Lovey
I'll give me a note.

We've got to keep this up,
even at our own expense.

[aircraft engine revving]

- Isn't that Wrong Way's plane?
- Yes, it must be.

Come on!

[chattering]

[aircraft engine revving]

(Skipper)
Happy flight!

Well, there he goes.

This time, I hope
he tells somebody.

Why shouldn't he?
No reason to keep it a secret.

We don't have
a paradise anymore.

Even if he doesn't tell anyone,
we'll still be rescued.

- We will?
- Sure.

Skipper loaded it
with maps and notes.

Somebody's bound to find 'em.

I didn't think we'd ever get off
this island, but this time

it's in the bag. Even Wrong Way
can't mess it up.

- It's too good to be true.
- We're really going home.

Oh that crazy, wonderful fool.

I'll give him that oil well,
even if it is a dry one.

[aircraft engine revving]

Good luck, Wrong Way.

Anybody want anything to eat?

We should've heard something by
now. He's been gone three days.

I'm afraid there's always the
possibility he could've crashed.

Yes, I thought about that, but
I was afraid to say anything.

- Oh, no. He couldn't have.
- Don't worry, dear.

He's probably covered.

- Sure at least he tried.
- Oh, yes.

We have to give him
credit for trying.

Hey, Skipper. Skipper, Skipper.

There's a note from Wrong Way.
In a bottle.

- Found it down at the beach.
- Let me see that.

"I charted my course
for Honolulu, but oddly enough

"I lost my bearings
when I flew into the eye

"of a violent cloud.

'"Somehow, I landed on
a beautiful tropical island'

'"and then finally found the
paradise I was looking for."'

'"Although I'm probably
not as happy as you are'

'"it's good enough for me.'

'"Maybe next time,
I'll make it to Honolulu.'

Best wishes,
W.W. Feldman."

Well, that's it.
Left us high and dry.

- Skipper, we got more trouble.
- What?

It says, "Return the empty."

¶ Now this is the tale
of our castaways ¶

¶ They're here
for a long, long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his Skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make the others
comfortable ¶

¶ In the tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motorcar ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ As primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven
stranded castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶