Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 22 - Diamonds Are an Ape's Best Friend - full transcript

The Howells cannot locate a diamond broach, and everyone is a suspect in its disappearance. Gilligan soon discovers an aggressive gorilla in the forest, and soon this great ape disrupts everything by kidnapping Mrs. Howell.

["The Ballad
Of Gilligan's Island"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started from this tropic
port aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailing man ¶

¶ The skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three hour tour ¶

¶ A three hour tour ¶

[thunder rumbling]

¶ The weather started
getting rough ¶



¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore ¶

¶ Of this
uncharted desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest are here
on Gilligan's Isle ¶

Skipper, I just can't stop
thinking about it. I just can't.

Boy, the way you played
that fish, two hours.



- You must be tired.
- I am.

That's why I'd like
to get some sleep, Gilligan.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Skipper.

We'll talk about it later, okay?

- Okay. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

When?

- When what?
- When will we talk about it?

Oh, Gilligan. We'll talk
about it in the morning, okay?

- Okay.
- Goodnight!

Goodnight.

That sure was a beautiful fish.
Must have weighed 100 pounds.

It leaped outta the water
and dove into the bottom.

The way you reeled him in
and played him out

reeled him in and played him
out. It's too bad you lost him.

Gilligan, not another word
about that fish.

'Not another word about
anything. Now go to sleep.'

Goodnight.

Skipper! Skipper!
Skipper!

Who's skip..

Gilligan, you woke me up again.

(Gilligan)
'There's a gorilla
in the window.'

He was there, Skipper.
Honest, I saw him.

He's not there now.
You must have dreamt it.

How can I dream
when I wasn't even sleeping.

Gilligan, please,
just go to sleep

and dream that
it isn't there.

Okay.

Sure am glad you're a dream.

Darling, you need a shave.

[grunts]

You say you never snore.

Well, it's not on the floor.

Are you sure you didn't
wear it to bed?

No, dear. I know I left it
on that nightstand.

[exclaims]
It is insured, isn't it?

That won't do us
any good financially.

- Why not?
- We own the insurance company.

Oh, yes, of course.

But I'll be heartbroken anyway
if we didn't find it.

You gave it to me
as a wedding present.

Yes, it has been
in the family for generations.

It's a piece of jewelry
Queen Isabella gave to Columbus.

You never told me that. How did
it get in the Howell family?

I'm not sure. They must have
foreclosed the mortgage on Nina

the Pinta and the Santa Maria.
You did have it at dinner time.

Don't you know you
had to change your seat

because it kept reflecting
the evening sun.

Yes, 48 carats
does throw a glare.

Besides, it kept
melting the butter.

You sure you didn't
wear it after that?

No. I know I left it
on that nightstand.

Well, don't panic, darling.
We'll find it somewhere.

- Skipper, you want syrup?
- 'Sure.'

This tree needs a refill.

- Boy, I sure am hungry.
- Yeah.

Well, if I ate like that
I'd see gorillas at night too.

Oh, be my guest.
But I did see a gorilla.

- I tell you, you didn't.
- I did.

- You didn't.
- I did.

- You didn't.
- I did.

Alright. You did.

Would you please
go back to didn't?

It's the gorilla!

- Morning, Skipper.
- Good morning, Skipper.

Oh, good morning.

- Blueberries for breakfast.
- I picked blackberries too.

You're just
in time, girls.

I was about to give
Gilligan the raspberries.

I think I'll go get some
coconut milk for the pancakes.

What's the matter
with Gilligan, Skipper?

[sighs]

bam

Ow!

[growls]

Please be a dream.
Please.

It isn't. Skipper!

Skipper!

Skipper! Skipper!

'Skipper! Skipper!'

Skipper! Skipper!
Skipper!

(Gilligan)
'Skipper!'

Gilligan, he can't even pick
coconuts by himself.

[groaning]

- Buddy, where are you?
- 'Skipper. Skipper!'

Gilligan.

(Gilligan)
Better watch out,
'cause I'm the Skipper's buddy

and he'll take you apart.

Skipper!

Watch out, Skipper.
He's mean and vicious.

- Who is mean and vicious?
- The gorilla.

What gorilla?

The gorilla got me pinned
by the neck against the tree.

Gilligan, a palm leaf
has you by the neck.

He was here. He's big
and black and fierce.

[growls]

Stop that.

First, you see gorillas in your
sleep, now in the daytime.

What you need is
a psychiatrist.

I bet if I see one,
he has long, hairy arms.

- Wai-Wait for me.
- Gilligan!

Can't even pick coconuts.

We've searched the hut three
times, and it's still missing.

We'll be glad
to help you look for it.

That is not the point.

Mrs. Howell's diamond brooch
has been missing.

How could that disappear?

The brooch is not where
Mrs. Howell put it.

It is not in our hut.
Now, do I make myself clear?

Are you suggesting
one of us took it?

I'm not suggesting
anything like that.

However, that might not be
such a bad suggestion.

Mr. Howell, we don't have
to listen to such an accusation.

And that goes for me too.

I'm surprised at you,
Mr. Howell.

None proclaim their innocence
so loudly as the guilty.

I don't know if that fits,
but it's from a movie I was in.

I'm sure I didn't take it,
I'm even sure the others didn't.

Well, the fact is, Gilligan,
the brooch is still missing.

Maybe Mrs. Howell lost it.

No, no. She's absolutely sure
she put it on the nightstand.

She's 100% positive,
she's 100% absolutely certain.

However, maybe
she made a mistake.

Then, in that case,
I better apologize.

- Should I go tell 'em?
- I'll do better than that.

I'll make an offer of a reward
to anyone who finds it.

- A reward?
- That's right.

- Ten thousand dollars.
- Ten thousand dollars! Oh!

Maybe I should have made it
five. Oh, it's deductible.

I'll never talk to him
as long as I live.

He said he was sorry.

Just because he's rich doesn't
mean he can push people around.

- He apologized.
- So what? He apologized.

Not only that,
he offered a reward

if anyone finds the diamond.
Ten thousand dollars.

Ten thousand dollar reward?

Well, of course, little buddy,
what kind of a man will I be

if I didn't accept his apology?

[foot crushing]

Ow!

- Apologized? Here's turtle egg.
- It makes my blood boil.

- Him accusing us is beyond me.
- He said he was sorry.

- It's too late to be sorry.
- This is one of those times.

Nothing he could say
could make me forgive him.

If you wanna associate with him,
Gilligan, it's your business

but leave us out of it.

I won't tell you about the
reward. Ten thousand dollars.

(all)
Ten thousand dollars?

[exclaims]
There it is.

Oh! Why does coral have
to gleam like that?

They went to the spring
before they went to bed

they would have
to come this way.

I hope we find it.
'Cause if we do, when rescued

we can get a new car, 60-foot
yacht and build a new marina.

Gilligan, $10,000 wouldn't be
a down payment for those things.

- Oh? Let's not look for it.
- Oh, come here.

Ten thousand dollars will help
us pay for a new boat for us.

- Yeah.
- Start looking.

I'll tell you one thing,
Skipper.

I don't care how much the reward
was I wouldn't be out here alone

with that gorilla...
on the loose.

Skipper! Skipper! Ski..

What's the matter, Gilligan? Did
another banana leaf attack you?

I know you don't believe me,
but there was a gorilla.

Oh! Stop that talk.
Come on.

Gilligan, there's not a gorilla
within 5,000 miles of here.

Now, let's look
for that diamond.

They had to take one of these
paths. I'll take this one.

You take that one.
I'll meet you at the spring.

- Oh, no, Skipper. Ski--
- Now, Gilligan.

Keep thinking of that $10,000
reward. Start looking.

I thought you're gonna
take the other path.

Don't play tricks on me.

Skipper! Skipper! Skipper!
Skipper! Skipper! Skip--

What is it?
Did you find the diamond?

No. No. But I saw--

You're not gonna tell me
about that gorilla again?

Okay, I won't tell you,
but something frightened me.

Well, what was it?

Was about this tall,
has long, hairy arms

and walks like this, weighs
250 pounds. Maybe it's a bird.

A-a-a b-b-bird?
It sounds like a gorilla.

A gorilla?

They've searched every place
and can't find it.

Yes, I know that.

But after some of the things
I said this morning

whoever found it might find it
embarrassing to return.

Now, here's the plan.

I'm gonna turn out both torches,
you understand.

And whoever has the diamond
can leave it on the table

and no questions
will be asked.

Oh, Thurston, you're so clever
about these things.

I'm sure if you'd
been a detective

you'd have caught
the fugitive by now.

Yes, I agree.

Now, Lovey, when I tell you,
you turn out the torch, alright?

Oh, I know that
you're all very tired

I appreciate your searching,
but I have a little plan.

Now, here we have
a $10,000 reward.

We're gonna turn out torches
whoever finds the diamond

has found it
can leave it on the table

and take the money,
no questions asked.

If we haven't got it,
we haven't got it.

Well, after those foolish things
I said this morning

I feel someone might be a little
embarrassed about returning it.

Ah, ready?

Okay, Lovey.

(Lovey)
'Stop that.
What are you doing?'

[Lovey screaming]

Lovey!

[screaming continues]

Where's Lovey?

- Oh! Lovey's gone.
- It's a gorilla.

He's got her.

Lovey!

[all shouting]

Lovey!

Lovey!

Mrs. Howell!

- Mrs. Howell!
- Mrs. Howell!

- Mrs. Howell!
- Mrs. Howell!

Oh, little buddy. I'll never
ever doubt what you say again.

That gorilla you saw
really was a gorilla.

I'm sorry, Skipper. I should
have let him be a dream.

- Mrs. Howell!
- Mrs. Howell!

- Mrs--
- Mrs--

- Mrs. Howell!
- Mrs. Howell!

He's not only strong,
but he's smart too.

We'll have to camouflage this
pretty well to fool him.

If you put a bunch of bananas
in here, I'd get 'em.

That's right, Gilligan.

But as the Professor just
pointed out, the ape is smart.

No trace of Mrs. Howell
and that beast

and I've searched every inch
of this island.

Once we've finished this trap,
we'll go out again.

Carry me, will you?

We're making a map
of the island.

Some trap. It's not even
finished, and it caught me.

There's got to be a logical
and a scientific way

to figure out
where that gorilla lives.

The only problem is, Professor

the gorilla doesn't know
anything about logic or science.

Skipper, you have
to think like a gorilla.

Think like a gorilla?

Yeah, I understand animals
and get along with them.

If I was a gorilla,
where would I take Mrs. Howell?

[imitating a gorilla]

We're busy here. Go over there
and do your gorilla thinking.

- The caves.
- Of course, the caves.

That's amazing.

My little buddy does think
like a gorilla.

He even looks like a gorilla.

- Now, let's go.
- Follow me, I know the way.

Oh, Gilligan. Stop that now.

(Lovey)
Would you just get away from me?

[screams]

Don't you think you're carrying
this joke a little too far?

Step aside and let me pass.

Your parents certainly
didn't bring you up very well.

Do you know who I am?

I'm the wife
of Thurston Howell III.

[growls]

Really, you're a..
You're rude.

Oh! Go away.

Lovey!

Oh, there she is. There she is.

Lovey, my dear.
My dear, are you alright?

Yes, I'm alright, but this
baboon has my diamond brooch.

I mean this miniature King Kong
has my brooch.

He won't let me out of here.

Ah, that's a Howell for you.
Hasn't lost her sense of humor.

Out of my way.

Sir, I am Thurston Howell III.

I told him that, darling,
but he doesn't seem impressed.

I'm a Harvard man.

Good heavens, the Yale man.

He hasn't harmed her,
he likes her.

I assure you,
she didn't run with him.

I'll lure him outta the cave,
and she can sneak past.

You do that,
we'll be eternally grateful.

- We're real proud of you.
- Careful, Gilligan.

Hi. Hi, old pal.

Remember me, we held hands
in the jungle, huh?

Now follow me.
Follow the leader.

Come on, follow the leader.
Come on, follow the leader.

Let's face it, that gorilla's
just a dumb animal

he knows nothing
but brute force.

I'll threaten him with this
club. I'll show him who's boss.

[screams]

Are you alright?
Now I know who's boss, huh?

Why doesn't he let us near her?

He's just protecting
his mate.

- His mate? Really?
- It's just a figure of speech.

But that's the way
the gorilla really feels.

It's a one-sided affair.
Is there anything we can do?

We haven't
got any weapons.

We can't rush him because
he might hurt Mrs. Howell.

We need to capture him
with a net.

Gilligan, why don't you start
collecting some strong vines.

- Sure.
- That's right, Professor.

I've heard that they capture
monkeys that way

but we've got to lure him away
from the cave.

I'll get some food.

If he's being this protective,
food isn't gonna do it.

Wait a minute.
He kidnapped Mrs. Howell.

That means this scoundrel
has an eye for the ladies.

Let's use Ginger and Mary Ann
as a decoy and drop a net.

I'm not sure that will work,
but it's worth a try.

But that'll be
kind of dangerous.

I'd be glad to put on
one of the dresses.

No offence, but you putting
on one of the dresses

is like putting a banana skin
over a watermelon.

Poor Mrs. Howell. Gee, Ginger,
maybe we should leave a place

for us to get out.

He's a gorilla, he could come
through the ceiling.

If he comes through the ceiling,
I'm going out through the wall.

[knocking]

- A gorilla wouldn't knock.
- I don't think so.

- Who is this?
- 'It's me, Mr. Howell.'

Ow! Well, I'll be damned.

- Did you find Mrs. Howell?
- Yes.

The beast has her
and won't let her out.

- Is she alright?
- She seems to be.

I've come to you for help.

- Help?
- How?

I want you to act as decoys
so we can drop a net.

I'd do anything for Mrs. Howell,
but I'd be scared to death.

Mary Ann, you were raised
on a farm

you know all about animals.

Cows, yes.
Gorillas, no.

Ginger, you're an actress,
just make believe it's a part

and make believe the gorilla
is a marvelous wonderful star.

Even if it were Richard Burton
under all that hair

I'd have to say no.

I'm sorry. You've got
the wrong girl.

You know a funny thing,
after we're rescued

I'm planning on making
a cinemascope color picture

about a beautiful girl
and a gorilla..

Come on. What are
we waiting for?

...in a cave.

I'm really very flattered
by your attention

but...we don't have
very much in common.

Oh, really?

Just because our ancestors
used to swing in trees

it's hardly a basis
for a continuing friendship.

It's getting to be
a dreadful bore.

Now, be a nice little boy
and let me pass.

But you don't seem
to understand.

Thurston's a very generous man,
he'll buy you a banana farm.

Thurston! Thurston!
Where are you?

Just be patient, Lovey.

[growls]

Yeah, yourself.

Gilligan's standing by the nets
to release it.

Mr. Howell, you stay
with Mary Ann.

The Skipper and I will protect
Ginger. Everybody ready?

Ginger, you know what
you're supposed to do?

Yeah. Attract a gorilla. Hope my
agent doesn't hear about this.

- Gilligan, everything all set?
- Yes.

Remember, when I snap my fingers
you drop the net.

- You can count on me.
- Alright, Ginger. Go.

She's attracting
his attention.

I think that gorilla's
got sailor's blood.

Ginger! Can you be
a little sexier?

For the gorilla?

Ginger, under the net.

I'll tell you one thing,
that gorilla isn't human.

Hold it. It's not working.

Ginger, you better go back
with Mr. Howell and Mary Ann.

- Okay, Professor.
- Thanks a lot, Ginger.

- You're welcome.
- Wait a minute.

I've got a better idea.
Why didn't I think of it before?

[Professor and Skipper
grumbling]

Gilligan!

If you were paying attention,
this wouldn't have happened.

- What I started to say--
- Before he tripped the net.

He said when he snapped
his fingers, and he did.

- So when he snapped--
- Alright, that's enough.

Mr. Howell, does Mrs. Howell
have any perfume on?

Of course, she does. Why?

He took her brooch which should
have some scent of her perfume.

Then he took her. Gorillas are
attracted to sweet fragrances.

- See what I'm getting at?
- Of course, I do.

Any more of that perfume?

On her dressing table
in the hut.

- Gilligan?
- I'll go get it.

- What's the name?
- Warm Afternoon.

- Warm Afternoon?
- Yes.

"Purple Haze. Happy Hours.
Foggy Night."

Noon Retfa Mraw.
Noon Retfa Mraw?

"Warm After...noon."

Don't worry, Lovey.
We've got an idea.

[screams]

I just told Mrs. Howell that
we're gonna free her

from that hairy delinquent.

Sorry, it's empty.

You don't have to tell us
what happened.

Skipper!

- The gorilla left me.
- He found someone attractive.

- Who?
- Gilligan.

Gilligan?

He does have a certain air
about him.

Oh, gee, I hope
the Professor's right.

These flowers will lure that
gorilla away from Gilligan.

Poor Gilligan.
The last three hours

that gorilla's looking at him
with love in his eyes.

Will these be enough?

You take these.
I'll pick some more.

Ah! There's enough aroma there
to attract any gorilla.

He hasn't paid any attention
to it so far.

Here comes Mary Ann
with some more.

[screams]

Let her go. Let her go.

Let her go. Let her go.

[hooting]

Considering the price
of some of these perfumes

it's nice of Mrs. Howell
to let us experiment.

Oh, poor Gilligan.

Last time I saw him
the gorilla was sniffing him

like a bloodhound
on a hot scent.

All we have to do is find
a perfume with the same base.

Skipper! Skipper!

Little buddy! Gilligan!
How did you get away?

He ran after somebody
he liked better.

- Who?
- Look.

[chattering]

¶ They're here for
a long long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make the others comfortable
in their tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motor car ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe
it's primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven stranded castaways
here on Gilligan's Isle ¶