Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 1, Episode 21 - Big Man on a Little Stick - full transcript

["The Ballad Of
Gilligan's Island"]

¶ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ¶

¶ A tale of a fateful trip ¶

¶ That started
from this tropic port ¶

¶ Aboard this tiny ship ¶

¶ The mate was
a mighty sailin' man ¶

¶ The Skipper brave and sure ¶

¶ Five passengers
set sail that day ¶

¶ For a three hour tour ¶

¶ A three hour tour ¶

[thunder rumbles]



¶ The weather started
getting rough ¶

¶ The tiny ship was tossed ¶

¶ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The Minnow would be lost ¶

¶ The ship set ground
on the shore ¶

¶ Of this uncharted
desert isle ¶

¶ With Gilligan ¶

¶ The Skipper too ¶

¶ The millionaire ¶

¶ And his wife ¶

¶ The movie star ¶

¶ And the rest ¶

¶ Are here on Gilligan's Isle ¶



Don't let him get away,
Gilligan.

I won't, Skipper.

Give him some slack.

Play with him, Gilligan.
That's it, play with him.

What a fighter he is.

He must weigh 50 pounds.

- I don't believe it.
- It's okay, come on.

Open up your mouth and give me
back the sea shell.

Thank you.

Okay now, oops, here we go.

- Back to school, Irwin.
- Irwin?

Yeah. He get's real mad
if I call him "Irw."

- Naturally.
- Yeah.

He and I are good friends.
I catch him almost every day.

Hey, what's that?

It's a guy on a surf board.

A guy on a surf board?

Gilligan, what is it
you're trying to do?

Artificial respiration.

What? He hasn't swallowed
any water yet.

Maybe, a little sand
the way you've got him.

May I?

Alright, boy, roll over.
You're alright.

Come on, son, you're alright.

You're okay. Don't try and talk
now. Just lie there and rest.

Hey, Professor. Look
what we found?

I was in a tree
getting some dates

I saw him come ashore.

Who is he?

Who are you?

- Duke Williams.
- Where you from?

- Topeka, Kansas.
- Wow, he sure had a long ride.

No, no, no, I mean
where did you start from?

Oh, oh, I caught a 30-foot one
off Waimea beach.

Waimea beach!
But that's near Honolulu.

Duke, it is scientifically
absurd to believe that

you could've ridden the same
wave all the way from Hawaii.

The counter-action of the marine
gravitational force would've--

Slow down, Teachs. I was
a dropout from second grade.

- I got to slow down.
- Don't go nowhere, man.

Just stay where you are,
listen to Big Daddy.

Now, there was
a large surf makin' up

and me and couple other
hot-doggers were practicin'

rail-grabs and kick-outs.

Like one Joe is a grimmy,
he wipes out at the start.

Me, I'm in a nose, right,
havin' a little trouble

when all of a sudden, I'm out
of the tube and up on top.

Only, I'm headed
for open sea.

I mean, I'm ridin' into the
middle of the big salty splash.

You got the picture?

Must've been
a foreign film.

Let's start
from the beginning.

How long have you been
on that board?

- What day this is?
- Thursday.

I remember swingin' with this
gidget Saturday night.

And then giving her a fast
goodbye so me and the guys

could hit the beach
Sunday morning.

That was five days ago.

Say, you're right.

Professor, he couldn't have been
out more than two or three hours

His friends are probably out
looking for him right now.

Unless he rode in
on a tsunami.

No, he came in on a board.
Skipper and I saw him.

Tsunami is a giant wave caused
by an underground earthquake

originating in a seismological
fault off the coast of Japan.

(Duke)
'Is anybody gonna tell me
where I am?'

Duke, I'm afraid you're marooned
on an uncharted island.

Not for long, pops.

Give me a couple days,
and I'm back to Waimea.

We'll fatten you up and put you
on the next tsunami to Hawaii.

And when you get there

don't forget to tell them
we're marooned here.

Alright.

Professor, a reverse tsunami,
is that possible?

Not a chance, Skipper.

Ah, that figures, why else would
Gilligan have thought of it.

So, that's the way we ended up
on this island.

Man, how do you stand it?

It's a little rough
the first couple months

but you'll get used to it.

Get used to it. I'll go ape.

Just gotta get back
to Hawaii.

Duke, let me tell you something.
There is no way off this island.

Admiral, there are no strings
on a man with a surfboard.

All I gotta do
is get back in shape.

Five days on that board, and
I'm nothin' but skin and bones.

And what skin.

And what bones.

Ladies, come on in.

Man, you guys ain't lost,
you're hiding.

Duke Williams, this is Ginger
Grant and Mary Ann Summers.

- Hello.
- Howdy.

Pleasure's mine.

Gilligan was out fishing,
and this is what we landed.

Wow, what did you
use for bait?

Stop dreaming.
The Duke has arrived.

Oh, I like 'em little,
and I like' em big.

Man, this is smorgasbroad time.

- Did you say "Duke?"
- Yeah, Duke.

- Oh, darling, royalty.
- At last, our kind of people.

I better start over. This Duke
Williams was surfing in Hawaii--

Thurston, where did we meet
the Duke of Williams?

Skeet shooting
with Prince Philip?

No, that was
the Duke of Albania.

- A-at Monaco with Grace--
- That was the Duke of Troy.

- Can I say something?
- 'No, no, Gilligan.'

No time for idle chat and not
with a Duke on the island.

The Duke's first day, we must
have him for cocktail.

Oh, Thurston. Oh, it's the right
thing at the right time.

No wonder you're always sitting
on the host's right hand.

Isn't that kind
of uncomfortable?

She is proud of, my boy. Mustn't
keep the Duke in suspense.

Let him know
the Howells are here.

- Took second place in Waikiki.
- Oh, wow, who took first prize?

The guy who was married
to the judge.

Oh, dear, you're just
not appreciated.

Baby, isn't that
what I always say.

Lady wanted to do a sculpture
of me like this, once.

Oh, wow. That's you, Duke,
that's you.

Oh, I-I was once painted
like this..

Say, pretty good set
of deltoids.

He likes my deltoids.

Hmm, oh, pretty good
latissimus dorsi.

- He likes my latissimus dorsi.
- Whatever that is!

- You don't know?
- No.

Why, that's right here.

I remember hot-dogging off
the coast of Malibu one time.

Suddenly, the surf went out,
and we were on the beach.

Well, this wahini lays eyes
on me, but I give her nothing.

I mean, I stand like
she's nowhere

but she comes on strong.

She won't hold off, but I'm
cool, reach for the surf..

Did I hurt you?

Little man, you couldn't knock
a hole in the wind

with a fistful of hammers.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Well, just don't lay there,
do something.

Anything!

Oh, boy.

Hey, has anybody seen
the Skipper?

You remember the Skipper,
don't you? He kinda wears a hat?

He's got one big muscle
right about here.

Oh, well, so long.

Goodbye.

See you later.

- Gilligan, what are you doing?
- Hi, Skipper.

Huh, that is not
the answer.

Huh, I'm trying
to look like Duke.

He's down at the beach
with Ginger and Mary Ann.

He's doing this, Skipper,
and these girls are like "ooh."

You're not going to get anywhere
with empty coconut shell.

I'm starting with those
to work up to the big stuff.

Okay, little buddy, good luck.
Let me know how you make out.

You won't recognize me
when I'm all done.

I'll be as big as this and have
shoulders as big as this

and I'll have a chest
as big as that.

Except they'd be up
a little higher.

- Thanks a lot, Gilligan.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Skipper.

Skipper?

[music]

Alright, girls, go.

'Help somebody, help anybody
big, help!'

- Excuse me, girls.
- 'Help.'

Help!

Gilligan, that's no way
to do a back press.

Is that what
I was trying to do?

Yes. Now watch me.

It's very simple.

(Duke)
'See?'

Now you try.

Don't hurt yourself.

Lie down...on your back.

That's it.

You got it?

Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, oh.
- Man, you just don't listen.

Then you better give up.

You got to have a body
to do that.

- I got a body, sort of.
- Ah, here, keep practicing.

Let's go, girls.

Oh, you're not gonna
leave me here.

Oh, he's gonna leave me.
He, oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

[knock on door]

Entrer.

- Oh, welcome, Your Highness.
- Duke.

What's wrong, lady,
you lose something?

Ah, Your Highness, I-I don't
think we've ever met before?

Now, we do mingle with royalty

especially during grouse-hunting
season. There you are, my dear.

Man, these nuts
come in mixed pairs.

Oh, such a droll
sense of humor.

Yes, Thurston, that's what
I thought at first.

But have we known a Duke
that looked like that?

Can't say much
for the cut of his clothes.

Probably new Italian style,
pizza shock skin.

Met some oddballs
in my time

but like you, they let out
a little early.

Don't go away.
I'll get the keeper.

I don't remember any Duke
acting that badly.

Not since the one
that started World War I.

Sir, I think
you're an imposter.

I am not,
I'm a surfer.

I don't think you're a Duke,
not even a Count or Earl.

I don't even think
you're a Republican.

Charlie, I'm going.
You're gone.

Thurston, you were superb.

Well, no one can pull the wool
over my eyes.

Cashmere maybe,
but wool never.

- 182..
- ...183..

- ...184..
- Duke, Duke.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I'm not hard to find, Teach,
just look for my lovebirds.

- I've got wonderful news.
- Oh.

[Gilligan moaning]

Gilligan, what's wrong with you?

- I've been exercising.
- Why?

So I can die healthy.

Stay right here, I've got news
that will brighten up your life.

- Can I lie down and listen?
- Of course.

Duke, listen. I've been working
on this all day.

There's been a shift in trade
winds and the tidal forces

compounded by the pull of Sun
causing syzygy with Earth

and made a perfect
coriolis effect.

- Why didn't I think of that?
- Isn't he wonderful?

It's really very simple.

The tsunami wave will return
in 48 hours headed for Hawaii.

Hey, Duke, that means
you can get us all rescued.

Yeah, we gotta talk
about that sometime.

Come on, girls,
let's take a walk.

Right this way.

Come on, Gilligan,
snap out of this.

Now listen, we've got exactly
48 hours to get him into shape.

We've got to get sugar
into his bloodstream.

We've got to strengthen
his muscles--

- Professor, Professor..
- What?

While we are building him up,
they're knocking him down.

[peppy music]

[music continues]

Gilligan, Gilligan,
are you down there?

You are down there, you..

(Gilligan coughing)

May I ask you a simple question,
and I want a simple answer?

Sure, Skipper,
that's only kind I know.

Exactly. Now here's my question.
Just what are you trying to do?

I'm trying to learn how to surf

because if I learn how to surf,
we can be rescued.

Little buddy, your heart's
in the right place.

About your head,
I don't know.

It takes years to master
one of these.

Get off
before you hurt yourself.

Aye aye, sir.

Oh, Duke, you scared me.

Baby, that's not what
I had in mind.

Oh.

In fact, I've had other things
on my mind

ever since I set eyes on you.

Well, wh-where's Mary Ann?

Baby, we don't need
a cheering section.

I do, I'm an actress.

Listen, I've heard about you
movie chicks playing it cool

but aren't you carrying
it a little far?

- What do you mean "far?"
- I'm talking about life, baby.

Now, you take one
long-legged redhead

mixed with tall, handsome,
muscle man

shake well and..

[chuckles]

You got pretty good reflexes.

From Hollywood, I've
been chased by the best.

Until you've been
caught by me.

Baby, this is not supposed
to be a track meet.

Come on, Ginger.
Time for fun and games.

- What's wrong?
- Duke.

Oh, nothing wrong
with him.

Believe me, Mary Ann.

While we've been admiring
his muscles

we overlooked his fangs.

Fangs?

Yeah, underneath that bronze
skin beats the heart of a wolf.

Well, Ginger, maybe
you're too glamorous.

Take me.

I'm more like the girl
who lives next door.

Girl next door, across
the street, around the corner

wouldn't make
any difference to him.

Oh, please, he's so tall
and handsome and--

And hungry.

Where are you going?

Think I hear
Duke calling.

- And you're going?
- Why, certainly.

Good luck.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[clock ticks]

Not bad time
for a little girl.

Oh, King Kong had
a better approach.

Come on, Ginger, help me move
the chair in front of the door..

He'll huff and puff
and blow our house down.

We have to do something
to discourage him.

Discourage him? He'd consider
a slap in the face applause. No.

We've got to bring this
to a higher court.

Mrs. Howell.

Hello, Lovey, my dear.
Why the knitted brow?

Thurston, the girls came
to me with a problem

and I must confess,
I find it very perplexing.

No matter what,
they deserve it.

We're trying to figure how to
get Mr. America on surfboard

and they're doing everything
but give him the keys

to the sorority house,
if he'll stay.

'Girls want him
to leave too.'

You mean, they've become
disenchanted

with that side of beef?

Thurston, I don't know how
to phrase this, but..

...he's been making advances.

You mean, to both
of them at once?

- Ooh, how vulgar!
- Yes, and how young.

You know something, that
Duke Williams reminds me

of Montmorency Vandergrift.

Thurston, Montmorency wasn't
as bad as all that.

Well, he did sit
a good horse

but nowadays,
that's not quite enough.

Well, anyway, I got rid of him
once and for all.

Lovey, my dear, I know
that we made a pledge.

Never to delve into our past

but I think
we should break it

just this once
for the good of all.

- What past, darling?
- Your past, just this once.

I really don't think I know
what you're talking about.

Tell me, what underhanded trick
did you use

to get rid
of Montmorency Vandergrift?

[both chuckle]

Professor, somehow, someway,
we've got to get Duke

on that surfboard tomorrow.

We've got to offer him
something more attractive

than Ginger and Mary Ann.

How about a motorcycle
and a crash helmet, huh?

We must have a talk
about the birds and the bees.

What would Duke want
with birds and bees?

- Some other time.
- Gentlemen.

Wynken, Blynken,
and Nod still stuck

blocked by a simple problem.
Huh, poor shame.

And I suppose that
you have it all solved.

Naturally, you think
that country bumpkin

is any match
for Thurston Howell III?

I bet it's sneaky
and complicated.

Sneaky, naturally.

But complicated,
let me tell you something.

It's as simple as taking
candy away from a baby.

It's elementary.

- Hello, captain.
- Hi, Duke.

Hey, she really waxes up good.

Ah, no rush, Daddy-O.

I might be in shape for a little
exercise in a week or two.

A week or two?

Oh, but there's a big wave
tomorrow at 7, that tsunami!

Everybody on this island
got ear trouble?

Man, I'm in no shape
for a tsunami.

Well, that's odd.

Few minutes ago, thought I heard
Ginger say you were leaving.

That Ginger is an odd one.

She's one chick,
sure plays hard to get.

- Not with the Professor.
- Professor?

Well, I just saw them
both back there.

Sure, you're not angry at me?

Don't give it
a second thought, dear.

It was so stupid of me to pay
so much attention to Duke.

I mean, all he does is talk
about his muscles

'and you've got brains.'

'How perfectly wonderful
you are.'

An extremely high IQ.

- Say it for me once again.
- An extremely high IQ.

No, I meant the name
of the star.

Oh, Alpha Centauri.

Oh...that's so romantic.

(Professor)
'It's 4 and 3/10ths light years
from the Earth.'

(Ginger)
'You don't know what a man
with brains does to me.'

- Capital of North Dakota?
- Bismarck.

- Oh, South Dakota?
- Pierre.

Lucky, Pierre.

¶ Oh, it's a long, long way
to Hawaii ¶

¶ But we're going
to go anyway ¶

¶ It's a long, long way
to Hawaii ¶

¶ But Duke will
make it anyway ¶

¶ Ah ¶

Oh, hi, Duke.

Nice night
for a walk, isn't it?

You want to know
something, Captain?

Why, I'm always interested
in gathering information.

A redhead is a fickle piece
of chick, and that's for sure.

You know, something? It's only
the brunettes you can trust.

Just like I was telling
Mary Ann

before she turned in
for the night.

- Oh, she's not in her hut.
- She's not?

Right now,
she's with Gilligan.

- With Gilligan?
- In their usual place.

[humming]

- Oh, Duke was so bumpy.
- Is that bad?

- Well, I like little muscles.
- Oh.

What's wrong?

Think you're taking the crease
out of my knees.

- Wonderfully knobby knees.
- Yeah, but it's time to change.

And I got such
wonderful knobby elbows too.

(Mary Ann)
'Spindly skinny arms.'

(Gilligan)
'Skin and bones,
what I got most.'

(Mary)
'I hate muscle men.'

I like underdeveloped, underfed,
undernourished men like you.

[Gilligan chuckles]

Darling, you even have
skinny lips.

Darling, t-take it easy,
you'll break me.

Gilligan, can't you be
little more romantic?

Okay.

[buzzing]

What are you doing?

Don't know, got something
to do with the birds and bees.

Here are your provisions, Duke.

Now, remember. Tell 'em our
position is approximately

110 degrees longitude
and 10 degrees latitude.

Okay, okay

but that's all I'm gonna
remember about this island.

Oh, he fell for it.

[water sloshing]

Oh, dear, isn't it a shame
he isn't a Duke?

At the moment, I'm glad
he is a surfer.

- Gilligan.
- You want me?

No, Gilligan.

I called you because
I want the Professor.

Okay.

Take the binoculars, get up that
tree, tell us what he's doing.

Aye aye, sir.

Wait a minute.

- Here.
- Yes, sir.

[sighs]

Wow!

Wow!

Gilligan, wow, wow, wow
doesn't tell us anything.

- Give us a report.
- Aye aye, sir.

There he is.
Ooh, he's up on top.

(Gilligan)
'Now, he's down at the bottom.'

Yes, there he is.

(Gilligan)
'Oh, he's on a big one.'

'Oh, ride 'em, Duke.
Keep with 'em, boy.'

'Oh, there he goes.'

He's on his way,
I'm coming down.

Well, he's made it. Now it's
only a matter of time, Gilli..

Skipper, did I hurt you?

No, Gilligan,
you didn't hurt me.

I'm used to having people fall
out of trees on top of me.

Thanks a lot, Gilligan.

(man on radio)
'Ladies and gentlemen'

'there has been a week-long
search for a missing surfer.'

'Well, this afternoon, he was
found, and we have him here.'

- 'You're Duke Williams, right.'
- 'Yeah, think so.'

- He made it.
- Shh.

'Can you tell us
about your adventure?'

(Duke on radio)
'Well, I hit this rock
when I beached and..'

'Duke, what about the two weeks
you were gone, where were you?'

Here goes the best part,
about us.

Gilligan, will you be quiet?

'I'm sorry, ladies
and gentlemen'

'but the doctor is taking Duke
back to his hospital room.'

'I'm afraid
the two-week-old mystery'

'will stay a mystery forever.'

'When Duke Williams hit that
rock, he developed amnesia.'

'He can't remember
where he was or what he did.'

Amnesia. Well, our luck
is still holding up.

I was so sure
we'd be rescued.

That's the way it goes.

Sometimes the surf is up,
and sometimes the surf is down.

And just what does that mean?

Don't know, I'm still trying to
figure out the birds and bees.

¶ Now this is the tale
of the castaways ¶

¶ They're here
for a long, long time ¶

¶ They'll have to make
the best of things ¶

¶ It's an uphill climb ¶

¶ The first mate
and his Skipper too ¶

¶ Will do their very best ¶

¶ To make the
others comfortable ¶

¶ In the tropic island nest ¶

¶ No phone, no lights,
no motorcars ¶

¶ Not a single luxury ¶

¶ Like Robinson Crusoe ¶

¶ It's primitive as can be ¶

¶ So join us here
each week my friends ¶

¶ You're sure to get a smile ¶

¶ From seven
stranded castaways ¶

¶ Here on Gilligan's isle ¶