Ghosts (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Part Of The Family - full transcript

That's a terrible decision. Oh,
and you're the expert, are you?

I've got eyes, mate,
I've got four of them.

You know nothing, mate,
nothing! Come on, you Reds!

Yes, come on, please, the
red, just the red ones!

Oh, naff off, ref,
that was never a foul!

Oh, put your handbag
away, Grandma.

What's going on here then? Since
when did you watch football?

Oh, they keep talking
about it at work.

I'm just watching enough so
I've got something to say.

Ah, excuse me, it's time
for my Murder, She Wrote!

Murder, She Wrote? Again?



Yes, it's my one form of
entertainment and I...

Oh, that was a dive!
That was a dive!

All part of the game!
Part of the game!

Yeah, kick his head in!

Look at this.

Wow!

They've got a promo
and everything.

"Here at Arrowcroft Hall, we
look after your every need.

"A beautiful 16th-century
mansion set within 100 acres"

"of green English countryside."

"Weddings, celebrations, corporate
events, whatever the occasion..."

You should do one
of these films.

No, I'm not going in
front of the camera again.

That's fine, I'll do it. Easy.



Oh, wow!

Skills! Oh, he's so good!

You just fancy him from
that aftershave ad.

No, I don't. It's
nothing to do with that.

I just admire his, like...

Keepie-uppies. Keep,
keepie-uppies. Keep, keepie-uppies.

Well, I could do that if I had,
like, 1,000 hours' practise.

I don't think you
could. I could.

Only 1,000?

Humphrey, can I
borrow you for a bit?

Well, Mike's filming
this promo thing today

and we should soon have enough
money to start the gatehouse.

So, between making money
from that and events,

he should be able
to stop his job job.

Great, that's so good.

Are you OK?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You looked like you
just... seen a...

Oh, no, it's only, I'm just going
on and on about myself. Hello?

How about you, how are things
with the cafe, any news?

Oh, God, don't ask.

Did you...? What? Really?

I thought it was all good.
You just looked at me.

It's a long story, honestly,
I'd rather hear about you.

Can you see me?

Did something happen?

Excuse me.

It's so embarrassing.

Young lady, can you
tell me who won the war?

I've lost it all. What?

Yeah, he basically conned me.

He did all this talk
about investment

and believing in my vision, and then
he just ran off with my deposit.

Oh, my...

Just all the money I'd saved.

What a total...

Yeah.

Isn't there something,
like, that you can do?

Yeah, well, he said it would be
easier if we put all the money

into one account and I just
didn't even question it!

So..

I mean, I guess

I'm an, I'm an idiot.

You're not an idiot.

No, I, I am an idiot, actually,
because I didn't read the paperwork,

I didn't get any
independent advice,

I didn't even check
his background.

Oh, no!

Lucy, none of this
is your fault.

You poor thing. Come
here. Come here.

Do you...?

I fancy a jog, actually.

Shall we jog back to the car?

Erm... yeah.

Just get out of
here, shake it off.

Oh...

We're going to be stuck here forever
and I just think I'll go mad.

Now steady on. Steady.

We must not lose our morale.

At least we have each other.

Yes, Gerald.

And there must be some way
off this island, Beatrice.

We need a boat!

We could cut down this tree.

Ah! Ah, that's done it.

Here she goes. Timber!

And we can fashion
it into a canoe.

Tong, tong, tong, tong.
Tong, tong, tong, tong.

There we go. In
you get, Beatrice.

Aye! OK.

Yeah. Very good. Right, OK.

I see home!

Ah, land ahoy!

And scene! Lovely.

Lovely stuff.

You got stuck on an island
and you found a way off of it.

Wonderful improvisation.

Do I like that.

Whose line is it anyway?

Right, who's next? No, let
someone else have a turn.

Me! Yes, Mary.

And... where's Lady B?

Well, she's watching
Murder, She Wrote.

Is she, again?

Yes, afraid so.

OK, Robin, would you like
to, you know, give it a try?

OK, well, let's start
with something simple,

so how about the shopkeeper
and the customer?

Mary enters Robin's shop

and

improvise.

Where's the shop? It's here.

What?

Well, it's pretend. You
know, use your imagination.

It's in your imagination.

Door, Mary.

Please, can I have a door?

Oh, it's a door shop.

Great, yeah.

No.

OK.

Now, Robin, that's
called blocking.

Mary's made you an offer there,
she's made this a door shop,

so you need to build on that

and say something like, "What kind
of door do you require, madam?"

What door you want?

Oh, erm...

Can I have a new door?

No.

OK, Robin, that's...

Don't block, OK?

In improvisation, you
say, "Yes, and..."

OK?

Yes, and

no.

You know, why do I want a
new door, though, Patrick?

I don't know, it's not my...

Let's try something new, OK?

Erm, how about the
doctor's surgery?

Oh, yes.

OK. And... improvise.

Hello, are you a doctor? No.

Flaming Nora!

Take cover!

Oooh!

Nice.

Yeah!

All right!

Daddy got a brand-new drone.

Oh, yeah.

It's a sweet bit of kit.

Of course, the Americans were
playing with these sorts of things

back in my day.

They were a lot bigger,

and noisier and more about
missiles than cameras.

But, you know, pretty cool.

No, no, no, don't go
down, go up, up, up.

No, don't go down.

Go up. Come on.

Yeah. Course it doesn't
come fully charged.

Fully charged!

What wrong with a
good old triple A?

Ah?

If you'd gone to the shop,

you could've had it
fixed in no time.

Probably got to plug it in now.

One, two, three, four.

Come on, we can do it.

Oi!

I counted ten, ten's good.

It's so much harder than it
looks! Yes, so is your knee.

Are we taking a break now?

Yes, no, that hurt
me, too. Did it?

We're both suffering, Humphrey.

Stop complaining.

Easy for you to say,
you're not the one...

Button House has stood on this
site since the 15th century.

It has entertained Henry VIII
and now it could entertain you.

It's the perfect
place for your event,

whether it's weddings...

What?!

Ha-ha! You're terrible at this.

It's like watching Jeffrey
Archer on Newsnight.

Go on, do it again.

It entertained Henry VIII and
now it could entertain you.

It's the perfect
place for your event!

It's the perfect place
for your event... Yes.

Whether it's weddings, celebrations
or corporate occasions.

You've come to right to the
place if you've come to Button...

You're in the shot.
Sorry! It's fine.

He nearly got it then!

This is nice. Thanks.

Wow. Are you behaving yourself?

Yes. Which one is it? Julian.

That's all I need. I
haven't done anything!

He says he's just watching.

Erm, can I just talk
to you about something?

Yeah, of course.

All right, yeah,
private thing, is it?

Yeah, you take five, Mike. We'll
get it in the can later, yeah?

Yes, and there was a big
army coming towards us!

Oh, good.

Yes, and we open the new door.

Good, we're back
in the door shop.

Yes, and on the other side of the
door is a kingdom of tiny peoples.

Yes, and they make
me their queen.

Mary!

And, yes, and we are given a
drink out of a gleaming cup

and big plates of
potatoes. Mary!

Yes, and the potion is
making us all drowsy.

Yes, and the little peoples carry
us towards their big cooking pot.

OK, Mary, do you want to
pass it over to Robin?

Yes, and...

Doctor, doctor, can you help me?
Is there a door out of this world?

No.

Aw, scene!

Lord love, a scene.

Mary, that's a bit too much
imagination, if anything.

And, Robin, you need to
work on your blocking, mate.

No. No?

So they just ran off
with all her money? Yeah.

That's awful.

Isn't it? And I was thinking,

like, I, I know that we're this
close to making the gatehouse target

and you, you have worked so
hard towards that moment.

So have you.

And it would be like a
nightmare to delay it any more,

but what I was thinking... What
if we lend her the money? Yes.

Of course we should.
Are you sure?

Cos I don't want to do
this if you're not sure.

She's your sister. If it
was my sister, we'd do it.

Well, one of 'em.

I love you. Thank
you. Thank you.

She's going to be
so happy. Yeah.

How's filming? Er, smashing it.

Ah. Hello, Katherine.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you.

Hmm.

I wish I had a
photo with Alison.

Ah. No can do, I'm afraid.

But... I imagine,
if it were possible,

then you'd be straight
into the hall of fame

with that wonderful
smile of yours.

Now, where is it? Where is it?

There it is.

Now, come along.

Can't have you
moping about all day.

Oh, look, Weymouth.

Yeah.

Got some happy memories
there, actually.

You mean the seaside?
Hmm. That's Cornwall.

No, no, no. That's Weymouth.

No, I recognise, I recognise
the pillbox on the rise there,

just over his right
shoulder there, do you see?

Yeah, I actually
went on manoeuvres.

First time I got to fire a
Bren gun - very exciting.

I did hit a seagull.

I still feel bad
about it, actually.

I mean, it's the
silence after the shot.

One minute they're
cawing away happily,

the next it's just feathers.

Lucy said it was Cornwall.

Yes, so, well, Mike and I have
been talking about your situation,

with the business, and we
were thinking we want to help.

Oh, God, please don't think...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm saying we...

Honestly, we've been saving

and we want to invest
it in your business.

It's, it's an investment

because we believe in you, and
we think it's going to be great.

Wow, this is... Are you sure?

Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, to, to be honest this,

this is actually a bit of
a dream come true for me

cos, like... I've never
had a sister, obviously,

and, you know, I've always been

I was always jealous of my
friends who had siblings.

And, you know, my parents
aren't around and, er,

and so to find out I
actually have some family,

and the fact that I can
help you with something

is just... honestly, honestly,
nothing would make me happier.

Sorry, I was going
through a tunnel.

Lost you for that last
bit. Yeah, it... it...

No, actually, it
doesn't matter. Um...

We... we... I want
you to have the money.

Surely... that's...
enough... mate?!

28, 29. Oh, this is
so good! Oh! Ah...!

Damnation.

Humphrey?!

It's the perfect
place for your event.

Whether
this is wedding... Ugh!

Ooh! Whether it's
weddings, corpers

corporate corcasions

remedy redding... Oh!

Let's face it, mate, you're
just not cut out for this.

Come on, Mikey-boy, it's easy.

It's just talking. I
mean, it's my house.

Look at it. Button House.

I mean, I can't believe
it's our family home...

This is Button House.

I still can't believe that
this beautiful building,

with all its history, is
actually our family home.

If you choose Button House for
your wedding or celebration,

or any event, we'll make you feel
like part of the family, too.

We'd love to share it with you.

That was pretty good.

Should've been recording.

Oh...

Thanks, Julian.

I'm over here, but
you're welcome.

Other side, mate.

She's a liar!

What? Lucy. That
photo on your mirror

she said it was taken in
Cornwall, didn't she? Yes.

Ha! Well, it wasn't!
It was Weymouth!

The Captain knows it was because
it's where he killed a seagull.

What are you talking about?

If she's lying about that then
what else is she lying about?

She's driving us apart.

Well, maybe it was a mistake,

or, I don't know, or the
Captain got it wrong.

No, but... No, Kitty,
you've got to stop!

You've been jealous of her
from the moment she came along.

I know, I know that you're
finding this difficult, Kitty,

but she's my sister and
that's not going to change.

It's not her that's
driving us apart, it's you.

Humphrey?

Humphrey?

Oh! Shh! Just hide me, please!

Humphrey? Humphrey!

Where? I don't know,
just improvise!

Humphrey!

Oh, come on, Humphrey. We
were having fun, weren't we?

Humphrey?

Mary!

You haven't seen Humphrey's
head, by any chance?

Yes, and, erm...

He be in the... the world
of the tiny peoples.

What? Yes, and he's
gone to the door shop.

Well, that is spectacularly
helpful, thank you, Mary.

Humphrey?! Humphrey?!

Well, I don't know what
that was, but thank you.

You's welcome.

No, no, no! Take me with you!

Oh, all right.

Oi!

Lift me up! Oh!

Right, then... There we go.

There she blows.

Lovely.

Right. Now, I think...

Ha!

What? No, no, no!

It's going to look great!
Wait, wait, wait...

Oh! No, no, no!

Stop!

What's your problem?
That's your finale!

Stop, come back,
come back, come back!

Well, to cut a long story short,

apparently, Lucy said
it was in Cornwall.

But... Sorry, Fanny.
I've always wondered,

is it not a frightful coincidence
that she's always there

at the scene of the murder? Hmm?

I mean, have the police not
thought to ask themselves

whether it's more than
a coincidence? Shh!

You, Mr Halliwell,
are the murderer.

There! I knew she'd get her man.

Ah, quelle surprise.

Now, what were you saying?

The photograph was in Weymouth,

whereas Lucy said
it was in Cornwall.

Now, look, it could
be a harmless mistake,

but Kitty rather seems to
think it means something.

Foul play?

Let me see this photograph!

Alison,

I'm sorry about what I said.

You're right, I
was just jealous.

I think it's so wonderful
that you're helping her.

That's what sisters
do, isn't it?

So if I can help you
help her, I'd love to.

Thank you, Kitty.

I knew you'd come
round eventually.

No problem.

I love Lucy now and I
trust her completely.

Hm.

And you're certain?

I'm absolutely sure of it.
It's the pillbox, you see?

Now, I remember it vividly. Hmm.

Well, if you want to convince
someone you're their sister,

then a photograph of their father is
certainly an ingenious way to start.

But is it possible
to fake a photograph?

Oh, yes, you can do
anything with Photoshop.

Yes, take it to the photo shop,

they cut out the
negative and then...

No, it's computer software.

You can take someone's face,

for example, the Leader
of the Opposition,

and put it on the body
of, let's say, a donkey.

Print it up as a Christmas card,
send it to everyone in the Commons,

you've got yourself
a Yuletide jape!

Great days.

Let me show you how it works.

Here, don't kick me...

Face front, Mary.

There we go. ALL: Oh!

See? Oh, that's like
the thumb trick.

Thumb...? Oh!

Ha...

Ah!

Oh, for a moment
there, you did a...

Hey... Argh!

Oh, I see, it's just a...

Hey... Argh! Oh...

Right. So we know
it can be done,

but where on Earth would Lucy have
got a photograph of Alison's father?

That's it!

Down. Keep going. Keep
going. A little bit more.

That's it! Yes. Yes. Yes.

No, no, no, don't do "resume",
do "watch from start"!

All right. All right.
All right. All right.

Ah... Yes.

Coming up on
History's Greatest Plots...

Oh... Oh, you all right?

Just
been... round the house

chasing a... drone.

Do you mind coming
with me to meet Lucy?

She says she needs
the transfer today.

Can't you do it on your phone?

Well, I don't know. It's,
like, kind of a big deal.

I want to toast
it with her. Yeah.

Yeah? Good idea. OK.

Rest up.

I need water. I need some water.

It's coming up here. Get ready.

I'm ready, I'm ready! Get ready!

It's around here...

There you are. Oh, God.

Where did you get to? Shh!

This is important! We think
Lucy might be up to no good!

What? Yeah. Now!

Halt, halt, halt! Pause!

Ah!

There.

Oh, no. It be
facing t'other way.

But he have same beard.
No, it's turned the other way.

But beard is... Not so fast.

Huh?

It's all a matter
of perspective.

When one looks at the reflection

the face is identical.

Ah, she flipped it. Good Lord.

So she saw Alison
on the television...

It was, um, inherited
through my dad's side

learned that she was an orphan

in possession of an
impressive country estate,

so, with no living relatives

tracked down the address...

Hi.

Ingratiated herself...

Do you take sugar? One, please.

Same as me.

And used a doctored photograph

to make Alison believe
they were sisters.

Is this when he was
living in Cornwall?

Yeah.

Looks like I have a sister.

Good Lord.

Oh... Which all begs the
question - what does she want?

What does she want?

We have to warn
Alison! Yes. Come on!

Ah!

Oi, wait, hey!

Don't forget about me...!

We've got to find
her! Kitty! Kitty!

Where's Alison?

She and Mike have gone to give
Lucy all of their savings.

Come on!

No!

This is unbelievable.

You guys are so kind.

I was literally about
to lose the lease.

Well, what's family for?

I mean, it's like it was fate.

If you hadn't been on TV, and I
hadn't happened to have seen it,

then we never would
have found each other.

Imagine if Dad could see us.

OK, so, er...

Account name.

Should I put Lucy, or

is that not your real name?

No!

Somebody do something!

We have to improvise!
Yes, and...?

Not that kind of
improvise, Mary!

Kick me. What?

Kick me. Really?

There comes a time
when the great...

Ah!

Aliso-o-o-on!

Oh... Oh, my God.
What? Stop! Come back!

It's about Lucy!

Yeah, that's pretty clear.

And we've got your bank details, so
I'm sure the police can work it out.

Why me?

Don't take it personally.

What a day.

Give me a sec.

Take your time.

I'm sorry you lost the
sister you never had.

You're the sister I never had.

I want to give you a hug.

You're not going to like it.

Oh, who cares?

Oh...

Yes, you're right,
that was horrible.

Welcome home. Yeah.

Yes. Welcome back.
Welcome home. Yeah.

Glad you're back. Thanks, guys.

There's been a murder!

Nobody is to leave
this room until...

Mike? Mike? Hmm? Budge up.

Might be an idea to lay off the
Murder, She Wrote for a bit.

Yes. Yes, I suppose I should.

Mm.

But well done on piecing it all
together. That was good, wasn't it?

Yes. Good. Very good.

Truly remarkable, Fanny.

Dinner is served.

Ooh!

Do you like it, Kitty?

I can't stop looking
at it. It's wonderful!

Beautiful, that. Marvellous.

A nice, long finish.

I'd love that. If only we
could actually eat. Mm. Mm.

Yes, and...

Mm! That was lovely.

There we go. Are you
enjoying your steak, Robin?

I'm not...

Yes

and... I very much looking
forward to pudding.

And what are you having
for pudding, Robin?

Yes, and berries,

yes, and cream.

Creamy berries. Lovely.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers, everyone. Cheers.

Cheers. Good health. Cheers,
everyone. Good health.

Down the hatch. Cheers. Cheers.

What are you drinking?
Pint of bitter.

You? Cheers.

A nice glass of port.

Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Julian, what did you do?!