Ghosts (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Redding Weddy - full transcript
Alison and Mike grapple with the latest obstacle to nailing down an event booking, but they're stymied by the Captain's past coming back to haunt him.
Now, that brings me
neatly to point 16.
There is still a great deal of noise
going on at night -
laughing, giggling, horseplay.
Now, we all get bored - that's
inevitable in our circumstances -
but may I remind you, we are at war.
I wo...
Ah. Lieutenant!
Communique for you, sir, from HQ,
marked urgent. Ah. Finally!
This'll be my requisition
for a service revolver.
Good God! Sir?
France has surrendered. My God!
ALL MURMUR
The Germans are coming!
I... don't think they'll be here
just yet, sir.
What? Right.
May I suggest we initiate the
emergency lockdown protocol, sir?
Yes! Yes, jolly good.
No, it's vital that nothing
fall into enemy hands.
You heard the CO.
Get to your duties.
Er... exciting times, Havers.
If they do invade, we may get
a proper pop at Jerry. Yes!
About that, sir...
..I know we do vital work here,
sir...
...but I want to get involved
in the fighting.
I've put in for a transfer.
You're leaving?
There's talk of
a North Africa front.
Yes.
Yes, well, I-I-I totally understand,
of course.
Carry on.
Thank you.
BIRDSONG
PAT: And seeing as
nobody else has volunteered,
I thought that this evening,
before Film Club,
I would give you all
a little talk on... activity badges!
ALL GROAN
So...
ALL: There are 37 badges
that you can collect.
Badge number one, bivouacking!
All right!
Clever dicks!
But I'm sorry, I mean,
if anyone else has anything new
that they'd like to...
Ooh, ooh, I could do my talk
on how to skin a mammoth.
You start at the end...
That's not new!
That's not strictly new, is it?
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
I'm ready to talk
about the witch trial.
THEY ALL GO SILENT
Witch trial...
If... if it be of interest.
Oh! Oh, Mary!
I mean... if you're sure. I mean,
if you feel like you're ready.
Well, I knows it's taken me
a whiles to-to talk.
Only about 300 years.
But, yeah, I-I think I'm ready.
Brillo pads. You OK?
Can't flipping wait!
And we'll do that before Film Club.
Before. OK.
And how many rooms do you have?
Well, I think there's, like...
Natural light! So that's a...
FLOORBOARD CREAKS
Ooh! Period stairs - clearly.
Interesting space.
Sort of... rustic.
Colonial!
Quite a niche market, wedding-wise.
I heard Isabelle
from Belle's Weddings passed
and you were sick on her.
Ah, no, I was sick near her. Mm.
Some went on her. A little bit.
Can I be honest with you?
I don't like it.
I love it! It is a little shabby
round the edges
but with a bit of zhooshing up, this
could really suit the right couple.
And do you happen to have any
clients who are interested, like...
BOTH: Soon? There is one -
Clare, I'm showing her
some other places today.
She wants to book in ASAP.
Shotgun wedding! Ah...
I'm kidding.
I think this could work for them.
Piano - tick!
Open fireplace - tick!
Canape room - tick.
Mood painting of creepy old lady -
tick.
Kitchen - tick. Perfectly placed
to allow you to flow
right through this corridor,
straight into your garden
at the back
where you can set up
your main marquee right... here!?
Oh, no! Er, yeah.
We can't show people this!
There's rough around the edges,
and then there's a bombsite.
We haven't quite got round to
clearing it yet. But we will.
By this afternoon? When? What?
I was going to bring Claire round
after showing her the other venues
but I can't show her this!
You have to make space
for this sort of marquee
if you want to host weddings here.
Without it, you've no catering flow.
No flow, no go. Yeah...
Guys, you've got to get it
wedding ready.
We'll clear it. We will?
Is what I wanted to hear!
THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY
Let's make this happen.
I'll delay Clare as long as I can.
Say... four o'clock?
Ciao-ciao!
MIKE: Five hours?
Loads of time!?
PAT: So, Film Club! Now, I know
it's not my turn to choose, but
I would like to lobby hard...
for Top Gun.
Not again!
I don't know about you, Mary, but,
er, I quite like the look, of, er,
ooh, Chariots Of Fire?
No. Actually, er, how about...
Mississippi Burning?
Towering Inferno?
Hmm! Huh! Maybe she is ready.
Could be the case.
Anyway, it's my turn to choose this
week, so tish-tish-tish...
I don't think so, mate! It's mine.
Faradiddle, sir! You had your turn
two weeks ago. You swapped with me.
No, no, I don't recall to that.
Even if I did, it would have been
a verbal, non-binding agreement.
You show me your thumb, sir?
I would show you my glove, sir!
If I had one.
I would give you a bunch of fives,
mate.
I used to box for Cambridge, y'know!
Go! Let's go, pal!
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
S'il vous plait!
French. Ooh!
Why don't we put it to the vote?
Oh, yeah, put it to the people,
like they know what they're doing!
SCOFFS
Hands up who thinks
it's Thomas's turn.
I've got my hand up.
Probably. Somewhere.
Ra-da-da-da-da!
Hang on, not everyone's here.
Well, where are they?
GIGGLES
Ahhh!
HUMS CHEERFULLY
Oh!
Hmm! Ooh!
ALISON: Oh... my... God.
Oh, Martin's right. We're
never going to be wedding ready.
Well, let's get redding-wea...
redding-ready. Er, wed...
COMMOTION
Oh, no. Ready...
Alison, if you please,
Julian says that
it's his turn to choose Film Club,
and it isn't, it's mine.
Please, everyone,
we're having a bit of a crisis here.
This is a crisis. You know? I mean,
it might not be the Suez Crisis,
but it's a very...
Guys, guys, guys, guys,
shut up! Good! Let her speak.
It's all right, you can speak.
We're trying to get
this wedding booking.
Oh, there's going to be a wedding?
How wonderful!
The dresses, the men, the kissing...
But we need to clear
this whole garden by four!
We're never going to do it!
MIKE AND PAT: Hang on a minute.
Ooh, jinx.
You go first, Michael.
We can do it.
If we clear that... Hmm...
..and then we move this...
And I'll help, too.
How, Pat? I could be your wingman!
You know, like in Top Gun.
I can be Goose to your Maverick.
Yeah.
I'll keep this lot occupied
while you do what you have to do.
And Goose dies in the film so,
y'know... it works out, doesn't it?
Thanks, Pat. Yeah.
Of course we can fit a marquee in.
I mean, how hard can it be?
They put a man on the moon.
What? What? What did he say?
Er... Man on moonah?
OK, I'll go get the tools.
You check the measurements.
Let's get redding red... Wedding
ready. Redding... Wedding ready.
Let's get wedderi...
It's wedding ready. Let's do this!
Yesss!
Alison, what was the man
doing up there on the moon?
They went to explore. Oh!
And how did he get there?
Climb up a beanstalk, did he?
You're dicked in the knob. Wha...?
I don't believe it. No. No!
There's no way it could happen!
WHISPERS: Pat, now would be a
really good moment to be a wingman.
Great!
OK, everyone, let's turn and burn.
Oh, sorry, Mary. MARY WHIMPERS
It's a quote from Top Gun.
Let's grab the computer that folds.
FANNY: Oh, goodness me!
Ooh! Ohhh!
But he's such a... a ruffian!
CLANKING AND SCRAPING
Oh!
Think about it, Robin. Man has
always looked up at the moon
and thought... "Can you eat it?"
No, "Can you walk on it?"
Press play.
NARRATOR ON VIDEO:
In 1969, the world watched in wonder
as three brave astronauts
took off from Cape Canaveral.
Their destination - the moon.
ROBIN: Ooh!
It was an amazing moment.
Everyone remembers where they were.
I was with Carole, at her parents'.
Fish and chips for tea.
It was the first time I ever tried
a battered jumbo sausage.
Never looked back!
JULIAN: I missed the whole thing.
I was still a student at Cambridge
busy having my own "moon landing"
if you know what I mean!
My first threeso...
Moonah!
CAPTAIN: Ah, there you are.
What's going on here?
Oh! I'm, er, helping Alison.
Yes, keeping this lot busy while
she and Mike dig up the garden.
Which garden?
How are you getting on?
It's going to be a squeeze.
First, we have to clear all of this.
CAPTAIN: No! No.
Belay that order, Michael. You
can't dig there. That's a negative.
Wait. Sorry, one second, Mike.
Didn't you tell them we're busy?
Most of them are watching YouTube.
Jel.
Why can't we dig there?
Because that's a very special part
of the garden.
Er, that was where our allotment
was, the regimental allotment.
It's fine, Mike, just keep digging.
But, no, it's where
we buried our pets.
Er, my dog is buried there,
right there,
and he was very special to me.
Barry.
Barry? Barry.
Wait, Mike.
So, sorry, you had a dog
called Barry?
Mm.
OK. Mike, you can just carry on.
No, thank you, Michael!
Ohhh!
Oh, that was a deep one. Ohhh!
Call him off! Call him off,
I tell you.
OK, just one second, Mike.
When I was at Button House,
there was a war on.
I don't think that's ever come up
before.
There is something buried down there
that is very sensitive.
Captain, the war is over.
Is it, Alison? Is it?
Yes, it is.
Please... don't dig.
There is something down there
that is potentially explosive
if it gets out.
Er... Mike, do you think
we could clear the other side?
Just the other side, Michael.
Looks like a lot of work.
Sorry. It's a ghost thing.
Well...
OFFICER SHOUTING ORDERS OUTSIDE
KNOCK ON DOOR Come!
Ah! Havers.
At ease, at ease. I was just
thinking about you, actually.
How's the emergency lockdown
coming? Very good, sir.
Most items have been squared away,
as per the order. Excellent!
I see...
I've come to tell you that...
Sorry, you first, Lieutenant.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
I'm afraid I'm leaving you, sir...
..at 1800 hours this evening.
So soon?
That would explain
your new service revolver.
CAPTAIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
I don't suppose they sent one
for me, did they?
Only for front-line personnel
at this stage, sir.
Of course. Yes.
It's North Africa, sir.
I'll be able to have
a proper swing at Fritz!
You make sure you give them
a bloody nose!
I shall miss you, Havers.
By which I mean, of course,
that we shall miss you.
And I know the Button House XI will
certainly miss your cover drive.
Thank you, sir.
Well... if that's all?
Yes.
I say, Havers?
It's a bally shame we won't get
to finish the operation together.
DOOR CLOSES
NARRATOR ON VIDEO: ..which leads
to the question - where next?
Mars, or even the outer edge
of our solar system?
Only time will tell.
Well, I never.
Anyway, Film Club. Yes! Now,
I was thinking 9 1/2 Weeks.
Over my already dead body, sir!
Fine by me!
Guys, guys, look, why don't
we settle this properly, OK?
Quite right.
Let's settle this like men.
Would you care to step outside, sir?
Yes, I would, sir. Indeed, sir.
Guys, you don't have to do...
Where are you going? I promised
Alison that you would... Ohhh!
GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION
MAN ON VIDEO: OK, the moon landings.
Everybody says it's real,
but what if that's just
what they wanted you to believe?
Oh!
Right, you both know the rules,
so we're agreed.
To solve this once and for all -
on three...
One, two,
three...
What's that supposed to be?
Pistol.
Thomas...
I always choose pistol.
Yeah, it really worked out
for you last time, didn't it?
There were circumstances around
my death, I'll have you know, sir.
It's rock, paper, scissors, Thomas.
I thought I told you.
No, it's all right,
let's play it his way.
One, two, three...
IMITATES MACHINEGUN
What's this now?
AK-47 assault rifle.
Sold 50 crates of these bad boys
to the Libyans in '83.
Paid for my orangery!
You can have one of these as well.
CLICKS HIS TONGUE
You don't get two weapons!
IMITATES GRENADE EXPLODING
Julian, come on!
And this. Pshhhhh!
You're on fire, mate. Argh!
Sorry, Mary. Well, no, actually,
because... Sorry!
Argh! I'm melting!
Can't feel it. Nothing happened.
What should we do with all this?
Maybe just pile it up over there
and then we'll deal with it later.
I think we might just do this.
See? Told you!
Redding red... Redditch...
We got this. Mm.
Oh, great...
How are we going to move that?
I think we might have to break it up
with a big hammer or something.
What? We can't do that! Can we?
Yeah, why not? Florence!
Oh... wait. I can already tell
this isn't good news.
Who's Florence, Kitty?
She was one of my best friends.
I used to play hide-and-seek
in the garden with my sister
and I was so good at hiding
that often she couldn't find me
for a whole day and night!
I once got so hungry,
I had to eat a bit of my purse.
Florence kept me company.
Oh, so you made a statue of her?
No, she is a statue. Eh?
JULIAN: That's enough.
We'll sort this out right now.
PAT: Guys!
Oh, I'd forgotten all about you.
Zoinks! Where've you been hiding?
Guys, she's a statue!
Pat, you were supposed to be keeping
everyone occupied. Yeah...
It's like herding cats!
I'm sorry, Alison,
I'm a terrible wingman.
Well, can you at least sort out
these two?
SIGHS Yes.
Oh! Hang on!
Guys? I think I've had an idea.
Follow me.
Let's turn and burn... again.
So, are we smashing this up or what?
Aaargh!
All right, one sec, Mike.
No, Kitty, please.
Oh, please stop, please.
We won't... we won't
destroy Florence.
We're just going to, er...
we could move her.
It's a deal... as long as you play
hide-and-seek with me. Ah.
So we're moving her? Yeah. Sorry.
I think you might be an expert at
this game. I'm very good at it, yes.
OK. Well, you hide first. Ooh!
Ooh-hoo...
One... two...
You'll never find me, Alison!
..three... OK!
Sorry.
MAN ON VIDEO: ..that's
why we need to look seriously
at the grassy knoll.
I mean, look at those angles.
WOMAN: ..because Elvis Presley
did not die that day on the toilet.
MAN: That's how we know the British
monarchy was replaced by weasels.
GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT
No, it's fine. I have to say,
it's lovely to be included.
Game on!
See what you've got.
HUMPHREY WAILS
Julian, serve! Bring it!
MUSIC: Adrenaline (feat Brian Storm)
Fie!
Whoaaaaa!
Yeah!
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC
♪ She said I'm ready to go again
♪ She loves the adrenaline
♪ Until she feels
that sweet sensation
♪ She loves the adrenaline! ♪
Whoa!
Hello, Alison.
KITTY CHUCKLING
Oh! Ohhh! You found me!
Oh, I found...
Oh, you're playing, too!
I don't know... Yes!
No-one has ever found me before,
ever!
You're so good at this. Thank you.
Right, your turn to hide.
I'll count, you hide, and I'll seek.
OK... One...! Oh, it's numbers!
Two...
Oh, no, it's numbers! Three...
GRUNTS
Ohhh! Ooh! Oh!
CAPTAIN: Fanny! Fanny!
Oh! Oh, Captain!
Fanny, are you quite all right?
No. No, I find myself
having a, er...
..a conniption fit. Good Lord!
Er, er, I have become...
attracted to someone.
Well, Fanny,
I, er... I'm very flattered, er,
but I've got a lot of problems
of my own at the moment...
Oh, good heavens, no!
No? Not you!
No, no, no. Never you! Yeah...
No, I-I... cannot say who.
But I know not what to do.
Now, steady, Fanny,
steady the buffs.
Now, look here,
nothing good will come of it.
You must take that emotion
and you must bury it.
Never let it out.
No more, Fanny, no more. Wha...?!
Ooh! Oh!
Any luck? Just can't move...
BOTH STRAIN
THUD Argh!
It's pointless!
HE GRUNTS
That was my favourite toe!
You have a favourite toe?
Don't you have a favourite toe? I've
not really thought about it, Mike.
No, no, not fair.
The head was out. By a nose!
JULIAN: What?! Tell them, Humphrey.
Oh, don't ask me. I'm just happy
to be part of the game.
I feel so alive! LAUGHS
Right, well, as the judge here...
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
let's listen to the judge.
Let's listen to the man.
What? Lone gunman? Do me favour!
And Paul McCartney died in 1966.
I know it. Don't even get me started
on the so-called "moonah landings".
GROANS IN FRUSTRATION
HUMPHREY: Whooo! Sorry!
Don't worry. It's quite a nice view.
THUD
GASPS
KITTY LAUGHS
Ha, ha, found you! Ohhh!
How wonderful!
Now, erm, you hide
and I'll counting.
Yes. No peeking! No, no peeking.
KITTY LAUGHS
One... two...
..three... four...
Oh, I'm so done with this. No. No.
You know what? ..14...
We've cleared loads.
I'll get rid of the garden waste
and we'll make the best of it. Huh?
Yeah. Alison!
GASPS
There is something I must confess.
It is a matter of moral rectitude,
and I can hold it in no longer.
JULIAN: Open your eyes!
Next, you'll be telling me
gravity doesn't exist!
Well, you can't see it.
How do you know?
Alison, could you explain to Robin
that the moon landings were real?
The moon landings!
You cannot be serious.
..97... 98...
..99... 100!
Oh. Ah...
SCREAMS
What the bally hell
do you think you're playing at?
Alison! Get away from there!
Get down! Get right out of the way.
It's going to blow!
It's a bomb!
Mike, Mike, get back! Just get back!
Go!
Get d-o-o-own!
ROBIN GASPS
FANNY: Captain?
Oh.
CLEARS HIS THROAT
KITTY GIGGLES
Yeah, maybe you right about gravity.
Now, I realise that
was an utterly futile gesture,
but I was very much caught up
in the moment.
Wh... what the hell was that?
Er, I was very clear, Alison.
What? I didn't think you meant
literally explosive!
I thought you meant, like,
it was scandalous. No!
It was a prototype limpet mine.
It was so secret
that only I knew about it
and my second-in-command Lieutenant
Havers, but... he left me.
I mean, he left for the front.
So, er, I had to bury it on my own,
along with the blueprints.
Operation William, it was called.
CAR HORN HONKS
Oh, that's Martin.
That was a ghost thing? Yeah.
Maybe next time tell me
if it's a bomb!
I didn't know!
OK, I'll stall Clare and Martin
in the house and you just...
Oh, you just do what you can.
Yeah. Actually,
a very clever little device,
a cunning timing mechanism
in the housing
allowed the frogmen
to exfiltrate safely.
Anyway...
They've gone, haven't they? Good!
Go on. Ah, Robin. Now, so,
they had four suckers... Suckers.
..and they attached the limpet mine
underneath the waterline... Oh!
..blew a hole in the boat
and, then, of course, the boat sank.
..and this is the main common room.
Again.
Erm, we thought...
It is really nice, but can we...?
Did... did you want to see
the library? Again?
I'd really love to see the garden.
Now... Claire, I... I need you
to keep an open mind.
We know that the rest of the house
can be dressed, um,
and we are working on the garden,
believe me. Erm...
ALISON GASPS
Redding weddy!
I love it!
CHUCKLES Great!
OWL HOOTS
OK, so, really exciting
presentation tonight, guys.
As promised, Mary
is going to be giving a talk
about her witch trial.
No, sorry, no! I've had, erm,
a... a bit of a setback.
OK. OK, yeah, that's understandable,
isn't it, given the, erm...?
Sorry. Yes.
So, now, seeing as we technically
didn't finish the match,
I'm calling the volleyball game
a draw.
What? Are you on drugs?
No! I was ahead!
That's enough. That's absolutely
enough. I've had a bellyful!
Now, since we can't resolve this,
I've decided that I'm going
to choose the film tonight.
KITTY: Is it Love Actually?
I love Love Actually, actually.
9 1/2 Weeks. The Notebook.
Please don't shout out, OK?
The film I've chosen
has something for everyone -
drama, visual poetry...
It's got some of your lot in it,
Robin.
Ooh! And... some pretty ladies
for Julian. Yeah!
It is, of course,
2001: A Space Odyssey.
WHISPERS: Thanks, Pat.
You can be my wingman any time.
Bullshit, you can be mine.
It's from Top Gun.
ALISON: Just here.
MUSIC: THEME FROM
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
MOUTH FULL:
Ooh, that's got a kick to it, that.
OK. Mm. Mm!
What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
Oh! No, just a passing fancy
is all, Alison.
Please don't trouble yourself.
Kitty, I'm sorry about Florence.
CORK POPS
Oh, that's all right. I wasn't
really that fond of her, anyway.
You're a much better best friend
than she was.
Thanks, Kitty.
Wait. No, that not right.
What? Earth not round. It flat.
You what? It flat.
To our first wedding booking!
Cheers.
WHISPERS: Here's to buried secrets.
MUSIC BUILDS TO A CLIMAX
neatly to point 16.
There is still a great deal of noise
going on at night -
laughing, giggling, horseplay.
Now, we all get bored - that's
inevitable in our circumstances -
but may I remind you, we are at war.
I wo...
Ah. Lieutenant!
Communique for you, sir, from HQ,
marked urgent. Ah. Finally!
This'll be my requisition
for a service revolver.
Good God! Sir?
France has surrendered. My God!
ALL MURMUR
The Germans are coming!
I... don't think they'll be here
just yet, sir.
What? Right.
May I suggest we initiate the
emergency lockdown protocol, sir?
Yes! Yes, jolly good.
No, it's vital that nothing
fall into enemy hands.
You heard the CO.
Get to your duties.
Er... exciting times, Havers.
If they do invade, we may get
a proper pop at Jerry. Yes!
About that, sir...
..I know we do vital work here,
sir...
...but I want to get involved
in the fighting.
I've put in for a transfer.
You're leaving?
There's talk of
a North Africa front.
Yes.
Yes, well, I-I-I totally understand,
of course.
Carry on.
Thank you.
BIRDSONG
PAT: And seeing as
nobody else has volunteered,
I thought that this evening,
before Film Club,
I would give you all
a little talk on... activity badges!
ALL GROAN
So...
ALL: There are 37 badges
that you can collect.
Badge number one, bivouacking!
All right!
Clever dicks!
But I'm sorry, I mean,
if anyone else has anything new
that they'd like to...
Ooh, ooh, I could do my talk
on how to skin a mammoth.
You start at the end...
That's not new!
That's not strictly new, is it?
EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE
I'm ready to talk
about the witch trial.
THEY ALL GO SILENT
Witch trial...
If... if it be of interest.
Oh! Oh, Mary!
I mean... if you're sure. I mean,
if you feel like you're ready.
Well, I knows it's taken me
a whiles to-to talk.
Only about 300 years.
But, yeah, I-I think I'm ready.
Brillo pads. You OK?
Can't flipping wait!
And we'll do that before Film Club.
Before. OK.
And how many rooms do you have?
Well, I think there's, like...
Natural light! So that's a...
FLOORBOARD CREAKS
Ooh! Period stairs - clearly.
Interesting space.
Sort of... rustic.
Colonial!
Quite a niche market, wedding-wise.
I heard Isabelle
from Belle's Weddings passed
and you were sick on her.
Ah, no, I was sick near her. Mm.
Some went on her. A little bit.
Can I be honest with you?
I don't like it.
I love it! It is a little shabby
round the edges
but with a bit of zhooshing up, this
could really suit the right couple.
And do you happen to have any
clients who are interested, like...
BOTH: Soon? There is one -
Clare, I'm showing her
some other places today.
She wants to book in ASAP.
Shotgun wedding! Ah...
I'm kidding.
I think this could work for them.
Piano - tick!
Open fireplace - tick!
Canape room - tick.
Mood painting of creepy old lady -
tick.
Kitchen - tick. Perfectly placed
to allow you to flow
right through this corridor,
straight into your garden
at the back
where you can set up
your main marquee right... here!?
Oh, no! Er, yeah.
We can't show people this!
There's rough around the edges,
and then there's a bombsite.
We haven't quite got round to
clearing it yet. But we will.
By this afternoon? When? What?
I was going to bring Claire round
after showing her the other venues
but I can't show her this!
You have to make space
for this sort of marquee
if you want to host weddings here.
Without it, you've no catering flow.
No flow, no go. Yeah...
Guys, you've got to get it
wedding ready.
We'll clear it. We will?
Is what I wanted to hear!
THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY
Let's make this happen.
I'll delay Clare as long as I can.
Say... four o'clock?
Ciao-ciao!
MIKE: Five hours?
Loads of time!?
PAT: So, Film Club! Now, I know
it's not my turn to choose, but
I would like to lobby hard...
for Top Gun.
Not again!
I don't know about you, Mary, but,
er, I quite like the look, of, er,
ooh, Chariots Of Fire?
No. Actually, er, how about...
Mississippi Burning?
Towering Inferno?
Hmm! Huh! Maybe she is ready.
Could be the case.
Anyway, it's my turn to choose this
week, so tish-tish-tish...
I don't think so, mate! It's mine.
Faradiddle, sir! You had your turn
two weeks ago. You swapped with me.
No, no, I don't recall to that.
Even if I did, it would have been
a verbal, non-binding agreement.
You show me your thumb, sir?
I would show you my glove, sir!
If I had one.
I would give you a bunch of fives,
mate.
I used to box for Cambridge, y'know!
Go! Let's go, pal!
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
S'il vous plait!
French. Ooh!
Why don't we put it to the vote?
Oh, yeah, put it to the people,
like they know what they're doing!
SCOFFS
Hands up who thinks
it's Thomas's turn.
I've got my hand up.
Probably. Somewhere.
Ra-da-da-da-da!
Hang on, not everyone's here.
Well, where are they?
GIGGLES
Ahhh!
HUMS CHEERFULLY
Oh!
Hmm! Ooh!
ALISON: Oh... my... God.
Oh, Martin's right. We're
never going to be wedding ready.
Well, let's get redding-wea...
redding-ready. Er, wed...
COMMOTION
Oh, no. Ready...
Alison, if you please,
Julian says that
it's his turn to choose Film Club,
and it isn't, it's mine.
Please, everyone,
we're having a bit of a crisis here.
This is a crisis. You know? I mean,
it might not be the Suez Crisis,
but it's a very...
Guys, guys, guys, guys,
shut up! Good! Let her speak.
It's all right, you can speak.
We're trying to get
this wedding booking.
Oh, there's going to be a wedding?
How wonderful!
The dresses, the men, the kissing...
But we need to clear
this whole garden by four!
We're never going to do it!
MIKE AND PAT: Hang on a minute.
Ooh, jinx.
You go first, Michael.
We can do it.
If we clear that... Hmm...
..and then we move this...
And I'll help, too.
How, Pat? I could be your wingman!
You know, like in Top Gun.
I can be Goose to your Maverick.
Yeah.
I'll keep this lot occupied
while you do what you have to do.
And Goose dies in the film so,
y'know... it works out, doesn't it?
Thanks, Pat. Yeah.
Of course we can fit a marquee in.
I mean, how hard can it be?
They put a man on the moon.
What? What? What did he say?
Er... Man on moonah?
OK, I'll go get the tools.
You check the measurements.
Let's get redding red... Wedding
ready. Redding... Wedding ready.
Let's get wedderi...
It's wedding ready. Let's do this!
Yesss!
Alison, what was the man
doing up there on the moon?
They went to explore. Oh!
And how did he get there?
Climb up a beanstalk, did he?
You're dicked in the knob. Wha...?
I don't believe it. No. No!
There's no way it could happen!
WHISPERS: Pat, now would be a
really good moment to be a wingman.
Great!
OK, everyone, let's turn and burn.
Oh, sorry, Mary. MARY WHIMPERS
It's a quote from Top Gun.
Let's grab the computer that folds.
FANNY: Oh, goodness me!
Ooh! Ohhh!
But he's such a... a ruffian!
CLANKING AND SCRAPING
Oh!
Think about it, Robin. Man has
always looked up at the moon
and thought... "Can you eat it?"
No, "Can you walk on it?"
Press play.
NARRATOR ON VIDEO:
In 1969, the world watched in wonder
as three brave astronauts
took off from Cape Canaveral.
Their destination - the moon.
ROBIN: Ooh!
It was an amazing moment.
Everyone remembers where they were.
I was with Carole, at her parents'.
Fish and chips for tea.
It was the first time I ever tried
a battered jumbo sausage.
Never looked back!
JULIAN: I missed the whole thing.
I was still a student at Cambridge
busy having my own "moon landing"
if you know what I mean!
My first threeso...
Moonah!
CAPTAIN: Ah, there you are.
What's going on here?
Oh! I'm, er, helping Alison.
Yes, keeping this lot busy while
she and Mike dig up the garden.
Which garden?
How are you getting on?
It's going to be a squeeze.
First, we have to clear all of this.
CAPTAIN: No! No.
Belay that order, Michael. You
can't dig there. That's a negative.
Wait. Sorry, one second, Mike.
Didn't you tell them we're busy?
Most of them are watching YouTube.
Jel.
Why can't we dig there?
Because that's a very special part
of the garden.
Er, that was where our allotment
was, the regimental allotment.
It's fine, Mike, just keep digging.
But, no, it's where
we buried our pets.
Er, my dog is buried there,
right there,
and he was very special to me.
Barry.
Barry? Barry.
Wait, Mike.
So, sorry, you had a dog
called Barry?
Mm.
OK. Mike, you can just carry on.
No, thank you, Michael!
Ohhh!
Oh, that was a deep one. Ohhh!
Call him off! Call him off,
I tell you.
OK, just one second, Mike.
When I was at Button House,
there was a war on.
I don't think that's ever come up
before.
There is something buried down there
that is very sensitive.
Captain, the war is over.
Is it, Alison? Is it?
Yes, it is.
Please... don't dig.
There is something down there
that is potentially explosive
if it gets out.
Er... Mike, do you think
we could clear the other side?
Just the other side, Michael.
Looks like a lot of work.
Sorry. It's a ghost thing.
Well...
OFFICER SHOUTING ORDERS OUTSIDE
KNOCK ON DOOR Come!
Ah! Havers.
At ease, at ease. I was just
thinking about you, actually.
How's the emergency lockdown
coming? Very good, sir.
Most items have been squared away,
as per the order. Excellent!
I see...
I've come to tell you that...
Sorry, you first, Lieutenant.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
I'm afraid I'm leaving you, sir...
..at 1800 hours this evening.
So soon?
That would explain
your new service revolver.
CAPTAIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
I don't suppose they sent one
for me, did they?
Only for front-line personnel
at this stage, sir.
Of course. Yes.
It's North Africa, sir.
I'll be able to have
a proper swing at Fritz!
You make sure you give them
a bloody nose!
I shall miss you, Havers.
By which I mean, of course,
that we shall miss you.
And I know the Button House XI will
certainly miss your cover drive.
Thank you, sir.
Well... if that's all?
Yes.
I say, Havers?
It's a bally shame we won't get
to finish the operation together.
DOOR CLOSES
NARRATOR ON VIDEO: ..which leads
to the question - where next?
Mars, or even the outer edge
of our solar system?
Only time will tell.
Well, I never.
Anyway, Film Club. Yes! Now,
I was thinking 9 1/2 Weeks.
Over my already dead body, sir!
Fine by me!
Guys, guys, look, why don't
we settle this properly, OK?
Quite right.
Let's settle this like men.
Would you care to step outside, sir?
Yes, I would, sir. Indeed, sir.
Guys, you don't have to do...
Where are you going? I promised
Alison that you would... Ohhh!
GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION
MAN ON VIDEO: OK, the moon landings.
Everybody says it's real,
but what if that's just
what they wanted you to believe?
Oh!
Right, you both know the rules,
so we're agreed.
To solve this once and for all -
on three...
One, two,
three...
What's that supposed to be?
Pistol.
Thomas...
I always choose pistol.
Yeah, it really worked out
for you last time, didn't it?
There were circumstances around
my death, I'll have you know, sir.
It's rock, paper, scissors, Thomas.
I thought I told you.
No, it's all right,
let's play it his way.
One, two, three...
IMITATES MACHINEGUN
What's this now?
AK-47 assault rifle.
Sold 50 crates of these bad boys
to the Libyans in '83.
Paid for my orangery!
You can have one of these as well.
CLICKS HIS TONGUE
You don't get two weapons!
IMITATES GRENADE EXPLODING
Julian, come on!
And this. Pshhhhh!
You're on fire, mate. Argh!
Sorry, Mary. Well, no, actually,
because... Sorry!
Argh! I'm melting!
Can't feel it. Nothing happened.
What should we do with all this?
Maybe just pile it up over there
and then we'll deal with it later.
I think we might just do this.
See? Told you!
Redding red... Redditch...
We got this. Mm.
Oh, great...
How are we going to move that?
I think we might have to break it up
with a big hammer or something.
What? We can't do that! Can we?
Yeah, why not? Florence!
Oh... wait. I can already tell
this isn't good news.
Who's Florence, Kitty?
She was one of my best friends.
I used to play hide-and-seek
in the garden with my sister
and I was so good at hiding
that often she couldn't find me
for a whole day and night!
I once got so hungry,
I had to eat a bit of my purse.
Florence kept me company.
Oh, so you made a statue of her?
No, she is a statue. Eh?
JULIAN: That's enough.
We'll sort this out right now.
PAT: Guys!
Oh, I'd forgotten all about you.
Zoinks! Where've you been hiding?
Guys, she's a statue!
Pat, you were supposed to be keeping
everyone occupied. Yeah...
It's like herding cats!
I'm sorry, Alison,
I'm a terrible wingman.
Well, can you at least sort out
these two?
SIGHS Yes.
Oh! Hang on!
Guys? I think I've had an idea.
Follow me.
Let's turn and burn... again.
So, are we smashing this up or what?
Aaargh!
All right, one sec, Mike.
No, Kitty, please.
Oh, please stop, please.
We won't... we won't
destroy Florence.
We're just going to, er...
we could move her.
It's a deal... as long as you play
hide-and-seek with me. Ah.
So we're moving her? Yeah. Sorry.
I think you might be an expert at
this game. I'm very good at it, yes.
OK. Well, you hide first. Ooh!
Ooh-hoo...
One... two...
You'll never find me, Alison!
..three... OK!
Sorry.
MAN ON VIDEO: ..that's
why we need to look seriously
at the grassy knoll.
I mean, look at those angles.
WOMAN: ..because Elvis Presley
did not die that day on the toilet.
MAN: That's how we know the British
monarchy was replaced by weasels.
GRUNTS IN AGREEMENT
No, it's fine. I have to say,
it's lovely to be included.
Game on!
See what you've got.
HUMPHREY WAILS
Julian, serve! Bring it!
MUSIC: Adrenaline (feat Brian Storm)
Fie!
Whoaaaaa!
Yeah!
SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC
♪ She said I'm ready to go again
♪ She loves the adrenaline
♪ Until she feels
that sweet sensation
♪ She loves the adrenaline! ♪
Whoa!
Hello, Alison.
KITTY CHUCKLING
Oh! Ohhh! You found me!
Oh, I found...
Oh, you're playing, too!
I don't know... Yes!
No-one has ever found me before,
ever!
You're so good at this. Thank you.
Right, your turn to hide.
I'll count, you hide, and I'll seek.
OK... One...! Oh, it's numbers!
Two...
Oh, no, it's numbers! Three...
GRUNTS
Ohhh! Ooh! Oh!
CAPTAIN: Fanny! Fanny!
Oh! Oh, Captain!
Fanny, are you quite all right?
No. No, I find myself
having a, er...
..a conniption fit. Good Lord!
Er, er, I have become...
attracted to someone.
Well, Fanny,
I, er... I'm very flattered, er,
but I've got a lot of problems
of my own at the moment...
Oh, good heavens, no!
No? Not you!
No, no, no. Never you! Yeah...
No, I-I... cannot say who.
But I know not what to do.
Now, steady, Fanny,
steady the buffs.
Now, look here,
nothing good will come of it.
You must take that emotion
and you must bury it.
Never let it out.
No more, Fanny, no more. Wha...?!
Ooh! Oh!
Any luck? Just can't move...
BOTH STRAIN
THUD Argh!
It's pointless!
HE GRUNTS
That was my favourite toe!
You have a favourite toe?
Don't you have a favourite toe? I've
not really thought about it, Mike.
No, no, not fair.
The head was out. By a nose!
JULIAN: What?! Tell them, Humphrey.
Oh, don't ask me. I'm just happy
to be part of the game.
I feel so alive! LAUGHS
Right, well, as the judge here...
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
let's listen to the judge.
Let's listen to the man.
What? Lone gunman? Do me favour!
And Paul McCartney died in 1966.
I know it. Don't even get me started
on the so-called "moonah landings".
GROANS IN FRUSTRATION
HUMPHREY: Whooo! Sorry!
Don't worry. It's quite a nice view.
THUD
GASPS
KITTY LAUGHS
Ha, ha, found you! Ohhh!
How wonderful!
Now, erm, you hide
and I'll counting.
Yes. No peeking! No, no peeking.
KITTY LAUGHS
One... two...
..three... four...
Oh, I'm so done with this. No. No.
You know what? ..14...
We've cleared loads.
I'll get rid of the garden waste
and we'll make the best of it. Huh?
Yeah. Alison!
GASPS
There is something I must confess.
It is a matter of moral rectitude,
and I can hold it in no longer.
JULIAN: Open your eyes!
Next, you'll be telling me
gravity doesn't exist!
Well, you can't see it.
How do you know?
Alison, could you explain to Robin
that the moon landings were real?
The moon landings!
You cannot be serious.
..97... 98...
..99... 100!
Oh. Ah...
SCREAMS
What the bally hell
do you think you're playing at?
Alison! Get away from there!
Get down! Get right out of the way.
It's going to blow!
It's a bomb!
Mike, Mike, get back! Just get back!
Go!
Get d-o-o-own!
ROBIN GASPS
FANNY: Captain?
Oh.
CLEARS HIS THROAT
KITTY GIGGLES
Yeah, maybe you right about gravity.
Now, I realise that
was an utterly futile gesture,
but I was very much caught up
in the moment.
Wh... what the hell was that?
Er, I was very clear, Alison.
What? I didn't think you meant
literally explosive!
I thought you meant, like,
it was scandalous. No!
It was a prototype limpet mine.
It was so secret
that only I knew about it
and my second-in-command Lieutenant
Havers, but... he left me.
I mean, he left for the front.
So, er, I had to bury it on my own,
along with the blueprints.
Operation William, it was called.
CAR HORN HONKS
Oh, that's Martin.
That was a ghost thing? Yeah.
Maybe next time tell me
if it's a bomb!
I didn't know!
OK, I'll stall Clare and Martin
in the house and you just...
Oh, you just do what you can.
Yeah. Actually,
a very clever little device,
a cunning timing mechanism
in the housing
allowed the frogmen
to exfiltrate safely.
Anyway...
They've gone, haven't they? Good!
Go on. Ah, Robin. Now, so,
they had four suckers... Suckers.
..and they attached the limpet mine
underneath the waterline... Oh!
..blew a hole in the boat
and, then, of course, the boat sank.
..and this is the main common room.
Again.
Erm, we thought...
It is really nice, but can we...?
Did... did you want to see
the library? Again?
I'd really love to see the garden.
Now... Claire, I... I need you
to keep an open mind.
We know that the rest of the house
can be dressed, um,
and we are working on the garden,
believe me. Erm...
ALISON GASPS
Redding weddy!
I love it!
CHUCKLES Great!
OWL HOOTS
OK, so, really exciting
presentation tonight, guys.
As promised, Mary
is going to be giving a talk
about her witch trial.
No, sorry, no! I've had, erm,
a... a bit of a setback.
OK. OK, yeah, that's understandable,
isn't it, given the, erm...?
Sorry. Yes.
So, now, seeing as we technically
didn't finish the match,
I'm calling the volleyball game
a draw.
What? Are you on drugs?
No! I was ahead!
That's enough. That's absolutely
enough. I've had a bellyful!
Now, since we can't resolve this,
I've decided that I'm going
to choose the film tonight.
KITTY: Is it Love Actually?
I love Love Actually, actually.
9 1/2 Weeks. The Notebook.
Please don't shout out, OK?
The film I've chosen
has something for everyone -
drama, visual poetry...
It's got some of your lot in it,
Robin.
Ooh! And... some pretty ladies
for Julian. Yeah!
It is, of course,
2001: A Space Odyssey.
WHISPERS: Thanks, Pat.
You can be my wingman any time.
Bullshit, you can be mine.
It's from Top Gun.
ALISON: Just here.
MUSIC: THEME FROM
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
MOUTH FULL:
Ooh, that's got a kick to it, that.
OK. Mm. Mm!
What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
Oh! No, just a passing fancy
is all, Alison.
Please don't trouble yourself.
Kitty, I'm sorry about Florence.
CORK POPS
Oh, that's all right. I wasn't
really that fond of her, anyway.
You're a much better best friend
than she was.
Thanks, Kitty.
Wait. No, that not right.
What? Earth not round. It flat.
You what? It flat.
To our first wedding booking!
Cheers.
WHISPERS: Here's to buried secrets.
MUSIC BUILDS TO A CLIMAX