Ghosts (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - About Last Night - full transcript

He's back! Mick's back!

Mick?! Mick's back!

Mick's back! He is! Look!

Hi, everyone!

All right, all right! One at a time,
let him speak! Speak, Mick.

Oh, it was the adventure
of my life. I had an orange.

Did you? Oh!

I saw a bear kill a man.

Oh, gosh!

And I met the king.

No, you didn't! Did you?



YOU met the king?

Yep. Ooh, jel.

Went on his boat. Fishing.

Fishing... Yeah, he asked
me to join his court,

but I said no way
I'm leaving you lot.

You didn't! Sweetie! Mick!

I'd always wanted to visit
the city, hadn't I? So...

You have. That's always been your
dream, actually. You had, yeah.

Ooh, almost forgot!

I got you all some gifts!

That's naughty of you!

You didn't think I'd go all that way
without bringing you back something!

Got loads of salt.

And... For us?!



Look at them! I can't
believe you've done that!

Yeah!

That's so generous of you!

Yeah, one each! Yeah!

Help yourselves.
Mick, that's naughty...

Help yourselves! HE CHUCKLES

Look at it!

Alison.

Alison! Alison!

Alison! Alison!

SHE WINCES Oh, my God...

Alison! Alison! SHE GROANS

Alison!

Oh, my God...

Alison! Alison...!

Right. Stand by.

Ready, steady, go!

For King and country!

Oh, I feel so sick...

Can you get me some water?

Get your own w...

I've lost my voice.

I don't remember leaving the pub.
Must've had fun.

At least we don't
have to work today.

Make it stop...

Hello?

Sorry, who from who?

Isabelle from Belle's Weddings?

Yeah, aw, thanks for
getting in touch.

Yeah, we're really keen
to be on your books...

..if you'll have us.

It's a lovely house.

Today?

I wonder if... if...

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. OK,
today... Today's fine. Today's fine.

Maybe just sort of,
like, late, after...

One o'clock, is it? OK.

All right.

OK, bye!

Oh, my God. OK, I just
need to shake this off...

Ohhh... SHE PUFFS

Bit of breakfast...

We'll be fine.

Shut your mouth! It is a mansion!

Yeah, boy!

The impertinence!

Oh, this looks like fun!

The bally nerve! It's gone midnight.

Yeah, it is very late.
Yeah, absolutely.

Welcome to my house! ALL CHEER

Alison!

Alison...! Oh...!

Oh...!

They came back.

I think I did my throat bass.

Yeah, you did.

Oh.

Shall we just call back and
cancel? No way, we need it.

We can get this clean in time.

Oh...

Have you seen my other shoe?

Mm-mm...

OK.

You get people out and I'll...

I'm going to get bin bags.

Right...

She awakes.

Oh, God...

As radiant as the sunrise itself.

My mouth tastes like
the inside of a bin.

I would have made you
breakfast, if I could.

Perhaps lamb's kidney and onion...
Oh, stop it!

I wanted to thank you
for last night.

I'll never forget those
words you said to me.

What did I say?

Something that touched
me very deeply.

Forgive me, I know I've not
had a formal invitation,

but I wonder if I might...

Oh, Thomas, it's fine.
You're part of the family.

Thank you, Alison.

A thousand thank yous!

Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, I meant it.

Are you OK?

OK.

Hello? It's home time.

Come on, man. It's time to go.

Why do you sound like Batman?

I lost my voice. You've
got to go home, bruv.

Got a wedding planner coming to
look at the house in two hours.

Come on, then.

Where are your shoes?

I'll go.

Ah! Oh, hi, Michael.
Sorry about that.

I was just wondering if you
could just save the drilling.

We're a bit fragile.
We're actually just finished.

At last! ALL MURMUR

We'll miss them, won't we?

We made rather an exciting
discovery, actually.

Because, you see, none of the
surrounding villages were struck,

so we know the disease
was brought here...

...by a visitor or an individual
who went elsewhere and returned.

It could be anyone,
I suppose, couldn't it?

But then we found a few
samples of textiles and furs,

and we can be certain that they
were host to plague-carrying fleas.

Once they got out,
you've got no chance.

Everyone's dead! HE CHUCKLES

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

I don't think sorry's
going to cut it, mate.

Ah, Alison, there you are!

Would you mind putting Guernsey's
Nazi Past on the VCR for me, please?

I haven't watched my football yet.

Would you kindly tell Patrick
that he missed his turn

and a miss is as good as a mile?

Guys, please, can you keep it down?

No, Alison, I'm sorry...
I don't care!

She doesn't!

Alison... SHE SOBS

Oh, I... Actually, I can't...

I can't deal with this this morning.

So hungover I actually, genuinely...
I do think I'm going to die.

Hm, you need a remedy.

Hair of the dog, love.
Just drink more booze.

Did you say that last night?

Yes. I have the cure.

Soak some mushrooms in milk
of the goat and vinegar

till it's all warm and musty...

No, stop it. Stop it now.

Well, you see, Alison, this is
what happens when you overindulge.

Square! When you give
in to gay abandon.

You reap what you sow.
You reap what you sow,

and now the soil returns...

Hey.

Morrow.

Oh, actually, no, yeah, good.

Hey, look. Cola!

Best thing for it.

SHE SPITS Oh, God, that is...!

Oh, no, sorry. Ah, here she is!

The madam! The hostess!

Just when I think you have
grasped the responsibility

of the family seat, you turn this
place into a den of iniquity,

inviting goodness-knows-who
to do goodness-knows-what!

Sorry, I think someone's hid
my clothes. Good Lord.

I shudder to think what happened
under this roof last night.

This place is full of breakables,

treasured family heirlooms,
irreplaceable bits of historical...

Nothing's damaged, and it's just
a mess that I'm cleaning up,

so just don't... don't worry.

Well, don't think I won't notice.

Oh, God!

Where's Dante?

Dante?

The dog.

Can we get a photo with him?
Oh, yes, let's get a photo, girls!

Have you got your phone?
A photograph with the girls!

Here's to me, too!

Cheers! Cheers!

Kitty's having a wonderful
time at the party!

Don't forget me!
That's good! My turn!

My turn! Take a photo with me!

Alison! Alison, sorry to bother you.

The captain asked me
to convey a message.

Just to turn the music off,

and to "cease the
talking immediately."

Tell him to stick it.

OK.

Oh...

Oh!

He's not here.

Ooh, you're in trouble now.

But I thought he
was just an ornament.

No, he did mean a lot to Lady B.
Loved it like her own child.

Once told me she loved it more
than anything else in the world.

Well, I'm sure that...

Thanks, Alison. Great party!
Same time next week.

Ha-ha-ha. No. Don't think so, mate.

Good luck, mate!
You're not going to make it.

Oh! Oh, yes!

Yeah, boy!

Ready? I was born ready.

'Tis a fair old wangle, that.
You haven't got the strength.

I got this.

Whoa! Ha-hey!

"Stick it"?! Wahey! Afraid so.

In my bottom, presumably. Oh!

Well, you go down there
and you tell her...

Me turn!

Whoa! Whoa!

Wahey!

Yes! Well done!

Told you! It's a stupid
game, anyway.

You stupid.

I didn't think this through...

Uh...

Just getting my shoes.

I can't say I'm surprised that
something like this would happen.

I'll have to tell her,
of course. What? No!

I will not allow Fanny to be
deceived like this, to be...

No more war documentaries, then.
Your secret's safe with me.

It's classified.
She'd have to kill me first.

Well, you know what I mean.
Right. Find the dog. Clean up.

Two hours...

Oh, my word...! Ahh!

What are you doing up here?!

We're actually going to
live up here now, actually.

Mick killed us all.
Which is not remotely cool.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We can't be sharing the
place with these plebeians.

What? He gave us all the plague.

Yeah, look.

And this. ALISON GAGS

And this. Oh, what even is it?

Guys, please! Oh, here she is!

Guys, please, please...
Piss off, Mick!

Can you please go back downstairs?

Because, no offence, but you're
actually making me feel really sick.

We're not going anywhere.

Mick should go if anyone's doing
going! Yeah, he's a killer!

ALL MURMUR Order! Order!

We need to come to an
understanding here.

These... people...

People? Yeah. People.

These people deserve a
full inquiry, chaired by me.

Get to the bottom of this business.

Ha! You couldn't get to
the bottom of a birdbath.

I'll have you know I have extensive
experience of public inquiries.

Nice to be the one ASKING the
questions, for a change. Ha-ha...

Come on, then, oiks.
Come on, let's go.

Not all of you.
Just your sharpest minds.

Well, that's definitely me. You go.

Do I have to come?
Yeah, you have to come.

It's all about you, innit?
Right, you stay here.

No, you stay. You definitely stay.

Right, you guys search for Dante.

And tell the others.
I've got to clear up.

Patrick, you get the others...
You find the others...

I'll begin the search.
I'll search upstairs.

I'm not taking
orders from you!

What is the matter
with you two this morning?

Can you just find the dog? Please.

Well...

Ah, boy.

Don't do it, mate.
Whatever it is, don't do it.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no...

Come on!

Alison!

Alison!

She can't hear you.

I can't hear you.

Yes, here we go.

A bit more of that.

It's called a Long and Strong.

And a slug of dark rum.
Dark rum!

Yeah. Oh!

Oh, no! I spilt wine on him.

I've heard white wine helps.

Got it. Oh, yeah, salt helps.

Is that helping?

Maybe try white wine.

Actually, white wine's meant
to be best, isn't it?

I said it first!

Nice little bath!

I said it first!

That's a good dog. You're fine.

Where are you?

Who? Who are you looking for?

Nothing. No-one. Mike.

Ah. Well, I saw him going upstairs.

No trousers on. No shoes.
At this hour!

I'll tell him.

Hmm.

Oh, God...

And, Mick, is it fair to say

that these boxes of cloths
and furs could have been

brought in by anyone?

No, I brought that box back
when I come back from London

when I gone there. He confesses!
Killer! He's just admitted to it!

Order! Order!

Shut up a second, please!

Oh, right, you do it for her!
Has anyone seen a stuffed dog?

Mick probably killed it.
Gone walkies, has he?

Yeah.

You can't teach an old dog new
tricks! Oh, yeah, love that one.

Hey, stay out
of my personal dance space!

You call that dancing?

You do but bounce, boy!

I bounce good!

Stop it! Stop it!

Patrick! Patrick!
What on God's green Earth

do you think you're
playing at, man?!

Well... I sent you down
here to stop this nonsense,

and now you're joining in!

Carousing! You are a
spineless little traitor!

Oh, naff off, you wazzock!

Yes!

Go out of it! You'll see. Right!

He's the wazzock...

Oh, there, there. What ails thee?

Alison... hates me!

Let it all out. I always feel
better after little cry.

Have a little rest in here.

Oh.

Oh, God...!

Oh, half an hour!

Mike!

I could really do with
your help down here!

I could do with
your help up here!

Ah. I've just checked in there.

Well, I'd like to check for
myself, please, Patrick.

Fine. Fine. Checking what?

In my room?

Mice.

Yes. Robin spotted some
earlier in the kitchen.

And we know you're not fond,
so we thought we'd... ch-check.

Who's Daniel?

Oh, I was just doing a
song about the nice names.

Ugh.

I already checked in there.

No-one listen to me.
I don't know why I bother.

Sorry.

Oh, she sleeps now.

Look so peaceful.

Oh!

Right, well, he's not in there.
No need to look again.

What's going on? You are. What?

Tony!

Tony! Tony! Tony!

Tone... No, no, no, no.

Tone... Tone... Tony! Tony!

Long way down! You know that.

Oh...

Any luck? Negative.
Nothing, I'm afraid.

And you? Nuh.

I might know where he is.

Oh, thank goodness, Kitty. Where?

Oh, you can hear me now, can you?
You've decided I exist again?

Oh, God. Kitty, you know
that it's very difficult

when other people are around.

Actually, I think I tried
to tell you that last night.

I'm so sorry, Kitty, but
I can't talk right now,

because I've got guests here.

Kitty, I'm so sorry, but
I can't talk right now

because I've got guests here.

Kitty, I'm so sorry, but I...

Oh! I thought you were talking
to someone else called Kitty.

No.

Well, that's fine, then!
Friends forever.

Great. Great.

Yes, so where's Dante?

Have you tried by the front door?

That's where he usually is.

Thank you, Kitty. You're welcome!

There's no way we're going
back down there with him.

I said I was sorry.
I'm really sorry.

You killed my kids, mate.
I've got a boil the size of...

Look, look, look, we all have
disagreements, you know,

but we move on. I'm sure you can all
remember something that annoyed you

at the time, but that
after a while... You know.

Yeah, like when John milked
my cow without asking.

There you are. I asked your wife.

That's not good enough, though,
is it? So I can't make decisions

in my own marriage?
No, what I'm saying...

Walter ate my best apple.
Only cos he widdled on my art.

He did do that. I saw him. Yeah.

I improved it, if anything. What?

Yeah, you can't do faces.
I'm sorry, you can't do faces.

What's that got to do...?

I would have killed you if he hadn't
killed you! I would've bled you.

I would have bled you out...
Order! Order!

Mike? What are you doing?
She'll be here soon!

So, how goes the search?

What, for the dog or the husband?

Ha! You'd think he'd be more
helpful in your hour of need.

Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you?

I've been thinking... about
what you said.

And I know nothing has changed. But
everything has changed, has it not?

If we could only... Mike!

Honestly, he's
probably asleep again.

Snoring, as he was last night.

What?

Thank you for walking me home.

And thank you.

It really was the merriest party
this house has seen in centuries.

I shall bid you goodnight, then.

Thomas?

Yes?

If I was 400 years older...

..and you were alive...

..and we were the same age,
and if I wasn't,

you know, with Mike, then...

..you and me might have...

Night.

Ah...!

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, Thomas, I didn't mean to...

I was very drunk, and...

Dante!

Oh, God.

Can we please get back
to the business in hand?

You're not very good
at this, are you?

Excuse me. I'm not about
to take diplomacy lessons from

a diseased, unwashed... you know.

I beg your pardon? Sorry, what's
that supposed to mean, "unwashed"?

I had a bath every year.

Well... you smell!

There, I said it.

That's a nasty thing to say.

Not just him. Yeah, you all do.

How dare you?! What are
you saying? I mean...

Hang on, you can't take it
back now! Yeah, take that back.

No, I don't want to take it back.
I mean it! You smell!

You smell of dung, of caca,
of poo-poo. Manure!

Yes! I don't know how
I thought this could work.

None of you have got any respect.

You know, that's the problem
with the common man -

he doesn't know when to shut up
and listen to the voice of reason.

Oh, God, this is...
Oh, God, it's really horrible.

Just stuff its head back into
shape and pop its eye back in.

Yes, I know, but...

Maybe use some tissues or
something. Yes, but how do I...?

Underneath the tail. Bum. Bum.

She's coming!

Quick, quick, quick. Stop, stop.

Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper!

Oh, God.

Shh, shh. Oh, God, he's still wet.

Stick him by the fire,
he'll soon dry out.

Make haste!

Yeah, no, yeah, no.

Yeah, no...

Oh! Nice to see you.
Oh, hello, you!

Hello, Fanny. How are you doing?

What's Dante doing there?

Well, I was just tidying
up and I thought

that we should try
him in a new spot.

Yes, he's nice there.

He used to like sitting by the fire.

INSECTS BUZZING Uggggh.

Oh, yeah, that'll be
the pigeons, mate.

Amazing how much they produce.

We did it.

Well, I did it.

Well, it was difficult,
but my careful diplomacy

led them to a full reconciliation.

I'm not staying up here with him.

I'd rather live with Mick,
and he killed my whole family.

I am sorry. That's all right, Mick.

They were lovely...
Yeah, to die for.

I suppose... You know,
people say things...

..sometimes you get carried
away... they don't mean.

..and I really didn't mean to,
and... Well, all I want to say is

I'm sorry... I'd like to forget...
..good to have you back. Thank you.

We cool?

Yeah, we be cool.

OK.

Mike, where are you?! She's here!

Oh, God. KNOCK AT DOOR

OK, everyone, shh!

Welcome to Button House...

Ow!

Urghhhhh!