Ghosts (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Grey Lady - full transcript
Alison and Mike try to find new money-making ventures to fund the restoration of Button House. They try to rent the place out for events. A paranormal photo of the house goes viral, they spot an opportunity - if the ghosts will cooperate.
PEACEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
Hi. Good evening.
Fully booked again tonight?
HE COOS
I'm sorry?
HE COOS
You...
ECHOEY COOING
PIGEON COOS
SHE GASPS
SCREAMING
Morning. Morning. Good morning.
SHE SIGHS Living the dream.
Clear.
Yes!
HE URINATES
On your marks.
Get set.
Go!
For King and country!
Morning. Morning.
If music be the food of love...
MUSIC: Friday I'm In Love
by The Cure
He just really speaks to me.
Oh, no, not this berk again.
Get a job!
Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.
Bum. Bum.
Robin, for the last time,
no newspaper's going to...
Three letter, "gluteus maximus"...
Oh, yeah, you're right... is bum.
Yeah. B-u-m.
Good. Very good.
Come on! Come on! Yes.
OK. Yes! Takes me back to
the David Lloyd in Chelsea.
Take that, Hugo!
So where did we get to?
Er, World Cup '86.
It's quarterfinals.
England-Argentina. All right.
Ah, the Hand of God.
You what?
Maradona - scores with a handball,
swings the match.
Well, don't tell me the score.
2-1 to Argentina.
What's wrong with you?!
You absolute... Dikhet.
Robin! Is six-letter,
"permit to travel", dikhet!
Oh, ticket!
Dikhet! Ticket! Here. Yeah, OK.
You're getting good at these.
Well, me very clever.
Ugh.
Hey!
'Orse.
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.
Oh. LAUGHING 'orse.
Thank you.
Absolute filth!
SHE GASPS
Oh, thanking you kindly.
Oh...
I do not like where this is going.
DOOR OPENS Morning.
Morning. Hi, Alison.
Hi! Back to the grindstone.
Yeah. Which reminds me,
we found this grindstone.
14th century. Honestly, your cellar
is literally a gold mine.
When you say litera...?
Archeologically speaking.
Ah, yeah.
Here we go, then.
Oh, push it!
Well? Two minutes, 30. Same as...
Well, always.
I mean, it's always two minutes, 30.
Blast!
Well, keep at it. Hmm.
Maybe I need to try some
new stretches or something.
Yeah, or maybe you can't really
get any faster,
you know, because you can't build
muscle, what with you being -
and I mean this with all the love
in the world, Cap - dead.
We didn't win the war with attitudes
like that, did we?
BOTH: No. No!
Right, I'm going to go
and stretch my hams.
Well, I mean, they won't stretch
because you're...
He's dead. I'm dead.
Yeah, you're dead, yeah.
You'll be dead soon. What?
Sorry.
Right. Hard to be conclusive
about the cause of death, but, er,
well, it's going to be plague,
isn't it?
GHOSTS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
From the pelvis, I'd say female.
GHOSTS CHEER AND GROAN
30 to 40. GHOSTS CHATTER
Down, down.
Bowed right femur. Probable limp.
The winner!
Evidence of extensive syphilis.
No, no, not that bit.
Same as the male from yesterday.
Geoff! What?
Someone's been a naughty boy!
Hi, er... GHOSTS MURMUR
Hello, stranger.
I forgot to say, that, um, we've got
a photographer coming today
to take a picture for our brochure.
Oh, for the hotel? Erm...
No, we... we... we ran out of money,
and also...
..this.
So we're thinking of trying to use
some of the big rooms for functions,
weddings, you know.
Nice. Which will be nice, yeah.
Er, yeah, and we need to get
a shot of the front,
so do you think you could move
your van?
Well, I could, but...
Yes, great, thank you.
Any end in sight? Er, yeah,
nearly there. Few more days.
Sorry it's taken so long. There's
just so much history on this site.
GHOSTS CHATTER
Honestly, if these bones could talk.
Yeah, well, that would save us all
a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?
But then... who'd believe you?!
LAUGHTER
Oo-hoo!
So the aim is to turn it into
a venue. A venue for what?
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, bar mitzvahs...
..girl mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs.
For bats?
What?
Huh?
Erm, we need it to look nice,
so if you could avoid
the bad bits...
What, all of them?
SHE CHUCKLES
Well, just find the best angle.
Yeah, I mean,
we know that the camera never lies,
but if it could
not tell the whole truth,
then that would be very handy
for us.
I'll see what I can do. Great.
There's simply not enough slates
to do the whole roof!
Er...
It's the third Earl of Winborne!
OK.
IMITATES EARL
I'm not sure Impressions Club's
going to work, is it?
Well, let's not be too hasty.
No-one's heard my Nelson Mandela.
Outrageous! Haven't done it yet.
No, no, no, no!
Alison, get the tradesman
off the lawn!
Snap-snap! Um, Rory, can we try...?
This way? Yeah, just...
All the way off the lawn!
A little bit... Yeah.
Both feet!
Yeah. And more...
Hurry up! And just...
That's perfect. Here? Yeah.
Whatever happened to standards?!
Absolutely.
Mustn't let things slide.
All it takes is a little...
BONES CRACK ..effort.
PHONE CHIMES
Urgh! Look at this evil old...
Isn't that...? Oh, no.
She's everywhere.
Look! And there!
Where'd you get that? Over there.
Did you know this happens?
I had no idea.
If indeed that is me.
She looks at least 20 years older.
How come SHE can be seen?
Perhaps it's only if you're grumpy.
Or ugly.
Well, her photo's all over Facebook
now,
so we can say goodbye
to doing events.
No-one wants a haunted wedding.
No-one will know.
Look, it's only one window
and he doesn't say where it is...
PHONE CHIMES
Hmm. OK, but does anybody
actually read the comments?
Gah! Just look at them,
gullible cretins!
I mean, what sort of moron
believes in ghosts?
You ARE a ghost.
Well, yeah, but, you know,
before I became one,
you wouldn't have caught me
believing in this sort of nonsense.
I'm going to talk to them.
And say what?
That there's no such thing
as ghosts.
Yeah, you tell 'em. Bloody weirdos!
Hi, hi. I'm Alison,
and I own the house. Um...
SURPRISED MURMURING
I do!
Look, I know why you're here,
but I can assure you that
there are no ghosts... ghost.
There is no ghost.
I know that it looks like
a very spooky old house,
but there's nothing creepy
going on here, actually.
Hi, Alison. Could you open the gate?
Really? Now?
Well, you made us move the van.
Yeah.
Is that the Grey Lady?
CAMERAS CLICK
Obviously, I know how that looks,
but that is unrelated
to the ghosts... ghost!
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,
and I'd really appreciate it
if you could all just go home,
please, and not go spreading
any rumours or...
Well, that worked. Hmm.
So you're a paranormal expert?
Yes, indeed,
I am a paranormal podder,
blogger, vlogger, and psogger.
Psogger?
It's a psychic blogger.
The P's silent.
Oh, eh, oh! We on TV!
We're on TV!
Oh, we're on TV!
Look, come, come see,
look, huh, see, look!
SHE GASPS
TV: ..some very fascinating spirits,
erm, and there's lots of
emanations coming from...
from this hou...
Sorry, what was that, Tony?
That's my guide, Tony.
Yeah, no, he was just saying
that something bad happened here...
We are all over Twitter.
"Man, this pic has me bricking it.
That ghost be one scary-ass..."
Is she in the room?
BOTH: Yes.
Well, it doesn't say "lady".
TV: It's just a pity the owners
are being so uncooperative
because the opportunity to study
this kind of phenomenon
is so valuable.
How valuable?
Let's find out.
Hi... Hi... Hello!
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike,
I live here, and...
LAUGHTER
I do! If you say so.
Er, anyway, my wife
might have been a bit hasty
with some of the stuff
she said earlier,
so, well, let me
put something to you.
And you just get to be yourselves
without me telling you not to,
so go full ghost.
Julian, just shove anything
you like.
Robin, just go crazy
with the lights.
Mary, lot of weird burning smells.
And a few Fanny pictures.
Oh, can I play? Oh, yes!
Teamwork makes the team work.
No... No, speak for yourselves.
Personally, I don't want a bunch
of misfits
poking around in every corner,
keeping us up at night with their
probes and their machines...
Cap-Cap-Captain... Yeah?
It... It's actually just these four
I really need.
No offence, but, haunting-wise,
you don't really have much to offer.
No. That's fine, actually, er,
because I'm, er...
I'm busy with something.
So, thank you. Mm-hm.
What?
HE EXHALES
Sorry, guys.
No.
I wish there were something
I could do to assist fair Alison.
Yeah. The irony, eh?
I had so many skills in life -
knot-tying, tent-pitching,
archery...
Oh, no, well...
And Mike has this
"No Sugar, I'm Sweet Enough" mug
that I would really love
to meet with an accident,
so if you could just suddenly
push it... Hmm.
Um... And what's in it for me?
Well, there's not really much
that I can...
A smartphone.
What?!
There was a review in Robin's paper
for an application which allows you
to play golf with a single finger
on a smartphone.
But they're hundreds of pounds.
Well, if you don't want my help...
Are you trying to blackmail me?
With respect, I think the
real issue here is... is, er...
Oh, I'm not on Newsnight now, am I?
Yeah, it's blackmail.
Oh, come on, Julian,
everyone else is willing to help.
Alison, I'm not willing to help.
The smell of burnings, um, reminds
me of being tied to that stake.
And for that reason, I'm out.
Hmm!
ALISON SIGHS The offer stands.
And I will not be paraded about
like some Parisian concubine.
Yeah, she no porcupine!
Ugh! And me no sideshow freak!
No, but... Actually, Robin,
having been to a sideshow,
you're exactly like...
No, no, nothing.
Guy... Guys!
And boom! We have paying guests.
Ghost night is on!
Slight problem - no ghosts.
OWL HOOTS
Welcome to Button House. Hi.
Just through here.
So what do we do? I promised them
stuff moving on its own and
weird smells and lights going off...
They have gone on strike. I mean,
what do you want me to do?
I dunno. You're the ghost expert.
Hmm.
HE GASPS
You're a ghost expert -
you know how they operate,
so can't we just...
MUTTERS: ..fake it? Eh?
Fake it.
No! No, that's completely immoral.
We can't just rip people off.
I mean, what, they've paid, like...?
200 quid each.
Although, yeah, OK,
thinking about it...
..it IS a real haunted house,
so it's only, like, a white lie.
We have to con them,
because it's the right thing to do.
Yes, yes.
OK.
Hmm!
Nice to see you, to see you...
BOTH: Nice!
JULIAN LAUGHS
It's like he's in the room!
Gentlemen,
there is an invasion afoot.
Despite expressly forbidding it,
she has just opened up the border
and let them all in.
The place is awash with eccentrics
and fantasists.
THEY GASP
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.
We told her we weren't playing ball.
Yes, there be nothing to see.
Slash smells.
No, no - they are planning on
faking it all.
Pretending that there are ghosts.
I mean, it makes a mockery
of our very existence.
But these people came here
for a glimpse of Fanny.
Yes, and they can hardly fake that.
Well, that's it.
Well, they still need you.
Of course! Come on. We shall have to
find you a place to hide.
Chop chop, Fanny.
Let's go. Come along.
Come on, ape.
We're putting a stop to this.
I didn't die to let someone else
fake the skills I've honed in death
without giving me a smartphone.
What?!
And I'll...
I'll stays here and watch...
..this wall.
Hmm.
Oh, yeah, this part of the house
has a lot of paranormal activity.
Oh, how exciting! I hope we see
some. Kitty, I think we ARE some.
Check, one, two. Check. Check.
Stick together, everyone!
One, two, two, two.
Pop into Pagham to purchase a pig.
OK. It's 21.07.
Recording in zone four for EVP.
What? Electronic voice phenomena.
It picks up vocal frequencies
of discarnate entities.
Ghosts, Danni,
the voices of ghosts.
Right, proceed to zone three.
Er...
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.
Did you hear that? What?
That thing there picks up
ghosts' voices.
Maybe we can help after all!
Help Alison?
Yeah. Speak into that microphone,
and we can prove
that this house is haunted.
What would we say?
Erm...
Hello, and, erm,
welcome to Button Hou...
Ooh! Welcome to Button FM!
I'm Pat Butcher.
HIGH-PITCHED: # Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo!
♪ The greatest DJ in the area!
♪ Pat Butcher! ♪
And joining me this week is
renowned poet Thomas Thorne!
How are you, Thomas?
WHISPERS: Thomas, we're on the air.
And we'll be right back with Thomas
after this song from local band
Chicken & Chips.
It's called Where's The Cream?
Greetings, my apparition apostles.
The Ghostmaster General here, on the
hunt in the kitchen of Button House,
where restless spirits
are said to...
Turn the light off.
Was that it?
Well, yeah, but it's, like,
really spooky,
cos it's when you least expect it...
..usually.
Robin! It not me!
Oooh, clever!
Oh, well, why don't you
sleep with her, then?
Sweetheart, we've talked about this.
Two can play at that game.
Hoooo!
HE STRAINS
Oh!
Eh? Who the daddy? I'm the daddy.
I'm Daddy.
No, no, no.
HE STRAINS
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
THEY GASP Oh, God!
Things are kicking off here, guys.
This is getting pretty spooky.
Oh, yes, that's really thrown them
off the scent.
Oh...
Oh, no.
OK, ease down. Ease down.
It's over, isn't it? It's over.
Do you want some milk?
Do you... do you want a glass of
milk? No, thank you.
Cor! That really freaked them out.
They're all yours.
Right, then, to the ballroom.
Well, we know where they're not.
Come along, Fanny, down you go.
But it's cold and damp down there.
You can't feel the cold.
SHE SCREAMS
Huh.
Or can we?
Yes, cool the muscles,
improve performance.
A little night air
might just give me the edge.
SHE WHIMPERS
And, of course, your poetry rhymes,
which is A, harder,
and B, shows you have a real passion
for the English language.
Is that fair to say?
Yes.
HE SIGHS
And we'll be back with Thomas
after these advertisements.
Buy cheese.
Please.
Louise.
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,
made from only the freshest
Jersey milk,
lovingly thumbed from
our all-Friesian herd...
And we have a lot of
poltergeist activity up here.
But that's where I live!
Oh, we also have
a smell... tergeist... tergeist.
Smell-tergeist.
We're overrun!
If you just step this way...
SHE RETCHES
Do you smell that?
Yes, yes, I smell it.
Crafty cow.
Smells like fire,
but there is no fire.
Apart from that one.
WOMAN MUTTERS: Oh, come on.
Do you think we should leave this?
Yeah. That's... OK.
I mean, that wasn't what... OK.
We'll come back to that.
Now, anyway, back to the...
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
..poltergeist. Where?!
RUMBLING, ALISON GASPS
Wait. There it is now.
SHE SCREAMS
Don't let it eat me!
MURMURING
Wow! MURMURING
I hope you guys are seeing this.
This is the real deal.
Come on. It's moving again.
Evening.
Just resting my finger
against this mug.
JULIAN STRAINS
MUG SMASHES, THEY GASP
Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?!
What the...?!
Wow, er... Oh, yeah.
That's really shaken me up,
actually, guys. Um...
I'm going to have to sit down.
Not ideal.
And are these kinetic episodes
related to the full-body apparition?
The Grey Lady, Danni.
Well, I mean, she can be a bit
elusive, but, er, fingers crossed.
MARY WHIMPERS
This is another room said to be
haunted by the Grey Lady.
Oh, no, not again!
Hi, I'm back. Sorry, I just had to
take a minute to, er...
Oh, what's that?!
What was that?! What was that?!
Right, I can smell burning.
Er... Oh, that is so weird.
MARY RETCHES
Right, I'm freaking out,
I'm freaking out.
I'm going to have to get out of
here. I need some air.
MIKE GROANS What was that?
What's that made out of?
Sack? Silk. Silk.
And I have said, "Don't touch."
What's holding your hair?
Oh, Walter, put her down.
She's old enough to be your mother.
It's embarrassing.
I beg your pardon!
She looks like my mother.
I resent that.
Except the teeth.
My mum had nicer teeth.
Can I come out yet? Please!
Ahh!
There. Start my lap on the hour
chime, and who needs a stopwatch?
Yeah, touch of night air
on the old calves,
I should beat the pants
off my two minutes, 30.
Isn't that right, boy?
Oh, what do you know?
Right, here goes.
Ah, bracing!
So, this Grey Lady...
Yep, yeah, er, be patient.
Biscuit?
Ah, I'll just be a sec.
Any sign?
No, I can't find her anywhere.
OK, so what are we going to do?
Cos I promised these people
a Grey Lady ghost.
Why did you do that?
Because we've got one.
I think I've got an idea.
I just need to buy some time.
Uh-huh. OK.
No, the poltergeist was me. There
aren't ghosts that haunt ghosts.
There no ghost-ghost.
I know what I almost saw.
JULIAN SCOFFS
Still want that phone?
What? I need another burst
of that poltergeist act,
just while I sort something out.
So what do you say?
Want to play a few holes?
HE MOANS IN PLEASURE
Looks so good!
There's some sweet greens.
OK, I'm in.
Yes! Oi!
Ah-ta-ta! Great!
Now, you see that mug?
Yeah.
The second he puts it down,
do your worst. All right.
The housemaid's leg
was Gwendoline...
..and the lusty dog...
..was I.
Yet another poem from Thomas Thorne
there.
And apologies for those still
waiting for the pop quiz.
Right, let's see what we've got.
Join me next week when my guests
will be Sheena Easton
and Dudley Moore!
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.
Here we go. Fame at last!
SILENCE
Nah. Nothing.
Thought as much.
There's no energy here.
With experience, you can feel it.
You can't learn that sort of thing.
It's a gift, a calling, really.
Come on.
You were great, mate.
You have a slightly grating register
and a tendency to gabble.
Something to work on.
Right. On your marks,
get set, and...
CLOCK CHIMES
For King and country!
Yes, yes, I'll be sure to visit
again very soon.
Hideous creatures!
Couldn't take another minute.
SHE WHIMPERS
SHE SCREAMS
CAMERA CLICKS, SHE SCREAMS
There's a real sense
there could quite literally
be a ghost around every corner.
I mean, if I just pan around,
you get some idea of the sheer size
of this place...
Oh, no!
Fanny's exposed!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
SLOW-MOTION SHOUTING
SLOW-MOTION CHEERING
..but, sadly, no Grey Lady.
THEY GROAN
Two, 29. Shaved off a second!
Well done, Cap.
I knew it! It's the cold air,
you see. I've still got it.
In my bally prime.
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
Slower, if anything.
The Grey Lady!
There's free-floa... In zone...
There's a ghost upstairs!
Right, come on! OK!
CAMERAS CLICK
The ghost-ghost.
ROBIN STRAINS
MURMURING
Guys, there you are.
I think I just saw a ghost in there.
I really am...
I'm sorry again for...
Sorry.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer
when I get one.
I really am sorry again.
For exploiting people, just because
they're open-minded enough to accept
the possibility that there might
just be such a thing as ghosts?
Because, let me tell you,
there are spirits all around us.
I just hope one day,
you come to embrace them.
At least!
That must be galling.
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!
HE LAUGHS
No. Come on!
It doesn't really work, mate.
No, come on! Come on!
HE GRUNTS
MIKE: It's already up on the blogs.
Huh... huh...
..hoax.
Well, back to weddings, then.
Ah!
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!
Now she does it.
MIMICS: Orf the lawn!
Orf the lawn!
LAUGHTER
Er, Alison,
this has stopped working.
It's saying "credit warning",
something about in-app purchases,
spending limits, blah-blah-blah.
180 quid?! Well, yeah.
I had to buy some new clubs.
In golf, you have to keep up with
the latest technology.
Oh, you didn't even do the mug.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
CUP SMASHES
There.
Now, I give you my Nelson Mandela.
Oh, no, no, Julian, no...
Hi. Good evening.
Fully booked again tonight?
HE COOS
I'm sorry?
HE COOS
You...
ECHOEY COOING
PIGEON COOS
SHE GASPS
SCREAMING
Morning. Morning. Good morning.
SHE SIGHS Living the dream.
Clear.
Yes!
HE URINATES
On your marks.
Get set.
Go!
For King and country!
Morning. Morning.
If music be the food of love...
MUSIC: Friday I'm In Love
by The Cure
He just really speaks to me.
Oh, no, not this berk again.
Get a job!
Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.
Bum. Bum.
Robin, for the last time,
no newspaper's going to...
Three letter, "gluteus maximus"...
Oh, yeah, you're right... is bum.
Yeah. B-u-m.
Good. Very good.
Come on! Come on! Yes.
OK. Yes! Takes me back to
the David Lloyd in Chelsea.
Take that, Hugo!
So where did we get to?
Er, World Cup '86.
It's quarterfinals.
England-Argentina. All right.
Ah, the Hand of God.
You what?
Maradona - scores with a handball,
swings the match.
Well, don't tell me the score.
2-1 to Argentina.
What's wrong with you?!
You absolute... Dikhet.
Robin! Is six-letter,
"permit to travel", dikhet!
Oh, ticket!
Dikhet! Ticket! Here. Yeah, OK.
You're getting good at these.
Well, me very clever.
Ugh.
Hey!
'Orse.
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.
Oh. LAUGHING 'orse.
Thank you.
Absolute filth!
SHE GASPS
Oh, thanking you kindly.
Oh...
I do not like where this is going.
DOOR OPENS Morning.
Morning. Hi, Alison.
Hi! Back to the grindstone.
Yeah. Which reminds me,
we found this grindstone.
14th century. Honestly, your cellar
is literally a gold mine.
When you say litera...?
Archeologically speaking.
Ah, yeah.
Here we go, then.
Oh, push it!
Well? Two minutes, 30. Same as...
Well, always.
I mean, it's always two minutes, 30.
Blast!
Well, keep at it. Hmm.
Maybe I need to try some
new stretches or something.
Yeah, or maybe you can't really
get any faster,
you know, because you can't build
muscle, what with you being -
and I mean this with all the love
in the world, Cap - dead.
We didn't win the war with attitudes
like that, did we?
BOTH: No. No!
Right, I'm going to go
and stretch my hams.
Well, I mean, they won't stretch
because you're...
He's dead. I'm dead.
Yeah, you're dead, yeah.
You'll be dead soon. What?
Sorry.
Right. Hard to be conclusive
about the cause of death, but, er,
well, it's going to be plague,
isn't it?
GHOSTS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT
From the pelvis, I'd say female.
GHOSTS CHEER AND GROAN
30 to 40. GHOSTS CHATTER
Down, down.
Bowed right femur. Probable limp.
The winner!
Evidence of extensive syphilis.
No, no, not that bit.
Same as the male from yesterday.
Geoff! What?
Someone's been a naughty boy!
Hi, er... GHOSTS MURMUR
Hello, stranger.
I forgot to say, that, um, we've got
a photographer coming today
to take a picture for our brochure.
Oh, for the hotel? Erm...
No, we... we... we ran out of money,
and also...
..this.
So we're thinking of trying to use
some of the big rooms for functions,
weddings, you know.
Nice. Which will be nice, yeah.
Er, yeah, and we need to get
a shot of the front,
so do you think you could move
your van?
Well, I could, but...
Yes, great, thank you.
Any end in sight? Er, yeah,
nearly there. Few more days.
Sorry it's taken so long. There's
just so much history on this site.
GHOSTS CHATTER
Honestly, if these bones could talk.
Yeah, well, that would save us all
a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?
But then... who'd believe you?!
LAUGHTER
Oo-hoo!
So the aim is to turn it into
a venue. A venue for what?
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, bar mitzvahs...
..girl mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs.
For bats?
What?
Huh?
Erm, we need it to look nice,
so if you could avoid
the bad bits...
What, all of them?
SHE CHUCKLES
Well, just find the best angle.
Yeah, I mean,
we know that the camera never lies,
but if it could
not tell the whole truth,
then that would be very handy
for us.
I'll see what I can do. Great.
There's simply not enough slates
to do the whole roof!
Er...
It's the third Earl of Winborne!
OK.
IMITATES EARL
I'm not sure Impressions Club's
going to work, is it?
Well, let's not be too hasty.
No-one's heard my Nelson Mandela.
Outrageous! Haven't done it yet.
No, no, no, no!
Alison, get the tradesman
off the lawn!
Snap-snap! Um, Rory, can we try...?
This way? Yeah, just...
All the way off the lawn!
A little bit... Yeah.
Both feet!
Yeah. And more...
Hurry up! And just...
That's perfect. Here? Yeah.
Whatever happened to standards?!
Absolutely.
Mustn't let things slide.
All it takes is a little...
BONES CRACK ..effort.
PHONE CHIMES
Urgh! Look at this evil old...
Isn't that...? Oh, no.
She's everywhere.
Look! And there!
Where'd you get that? Over there.
Did you know this happens?
I had no idea.
If indeed that is me.
She looks at least 20 years older.
How come SHE can be seen?
Perhaps it's only if you're grumpy.
Or ugly.
Well, her photo's all over Facebook
now,
so we can say goodbye
to doing events.
No-one wants a haunted wedding.
No-one will know.
Look, it's only one window
and he doesn't say where it is...
PHONE CHIMES
Hmm. OK, but does anybody
actually read the comments?
Gah! Just look at them,
gullible cretins!
I mean, what sort of moron
believes in ghosts?
You ARE a ghost.
Well, yeah, but, you know,
before I became one,
you wouldn't have caught me
believing in this sort of nonsense.
I'm going to talk to them.
And say what?
That there's no such thing
as ghosts.
Yeah, you tell 'em. Bloody weirdos!
Hi, hi. I'm Alison,
and I own the house. Um...
SURPRISED MURMURING
I do!
Look, I know why you're here,
but I can assure you that
there are no ghosts... ghost.
There is no ghost.
I know that it looks like
a very spooky old house,
but there's nothing creepy
going on here, actually.
Hi, Alison. Could you open the gate?
Really? Now?
Well, you made us move the van.
Yeah.
Is that the Grey Lady?
CAMERAS CLICK
Obviously, I know how that looks,
but that is unrelated
to the ghosts... ghost!
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,
and I'd really appreciate it
if you could all just go home,
please, and not go spreading
any rumours or...
Well, that worked. Hmm.
So you're a paranormal expert?
Yes, indeed,
I am a paranormal podder,
blogger, vlogger, and psogger.
Psogger?
It's a psychic blogger.
The P's silent.
Oh, eh, oh! We on TV!
We're on TV!
Oh, we're on TV!
Look, come, come see,
look, huh, see, look!
SHE GASPS
TV: ..some very fascinating spirits,
erm, and there's lots of
emanations coming from...
from this hou...
Sorry, what was that, Tony?
That's my guide, Tony.
Yeah, no, he was just saying
that something bad happened here...
We are all over Twitter.
"Man, this pic has me bricking it.
That ghost be one scary-ass..."
Is she in the room?
BOTH: Yes.
Well, it doesn't say "lady".
TV: It's just a pity the owners
are being so uncooperative
because the opportunity to study
this kind of phenomenon
is so valuable.
How valuable?
Let's find out.
Hi... Hi... Hello!
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike,
I live here, and...
LAUGHTER
I do! If you say so.
Er, anyway, my wife
might have been a bit hasty
with some of the stuff
she said earlier,
so, well, let me
put something to you.
And you just get to be yourselves
without me telling you not to,
so go full ghost.
Julian, just shove anything
you like.
Robin, just go crazy
with the lights.
Mary, lot of weird burning smells.
And a few Fanny pictures.
Oh, can I play? Oh, yes!
Teamwork makes the team work.
No... No, speak for yourselves.
Personally, I don't want a bunch
of misfits
poking around in every corner,
keeping us up at night with their
probes and their machines...
Cap-Cap-Captain... Yeah?
It... It's actually just these four
I really need.
No offence, but, haunting-wise,
you don't really have much to offer.
No. That's fine, actually, er,
because I'm, er...
I'm busy with something.
So, thank you. Mm-hm.
What?
HE EXHALES
Sorry, guys.
No.
I wish there were something
I could do to assist fair Alison.
Yeah. The irony, eh?
I had so many skills in life -
knot-tying, tent-pitching,
archery...
Oh, no, well...
And Mike has this
"No Sugar, I'm Sweet Enough" mug
that I would really love
to meet with an accident,
so if you could just suddenly
push it... Hmm.
Um... And what's in it for me?
Well, there's not really much
that I can...
A smartphone.
What?!
There was a review in Robin's paper
for an application which allows you
to play golf with a single finger
on a smartphone.
But they're hundreds of pounds.
Well, if you don't want my help...
Are you trying to blackmail me?
With respect, I think the
real issue here is... is, er...
Oh, I'm not on Newsnight now, am I?
Yeah, it's blackmail.
Oh, come on, Julian,
everyone else is willing to help.
Alison, I'm not willing to help.
The smell of burnings, um, reminds
me of being tied to that stake.
And for that reason, I'm out.
Hmm!
ALISON SIGHS The offer stands.
And I will not be paraded about
like some Parisian concubine.
Yeah, she no porcupine!
Ugh! And me no sideshow freak!
No, but... Actually, Robin,
having been to a sideshow,
you're exactly like...
No, no, nothing.
Guy... Guys!
And boom! We have paying guests.
Ghost night is on!
Slight problem - no ghosts.
OWL HOOTS
Welcome to Button House. Hi.
Just through here.
So what do we do? I promised them
stuff moving on its own and
weird smells and lights going off...
They have gone on strike. I mean,
what do you want me to do?
I dunno. You're the ghost expert.
Hmm.
HE GASPS
You're a ghost expert -
you know how they operate,
so can't we just...
MUTTERS: ..fake it? Eh?
Fake it.
No! No, that's completely immoral.
We can't just rip people off.
I mean, what, they've paid, like...?
200 quid each.
Although, yeah, OK,
thinking about it...
..it IS a real haunted house,
so it's only, like, a white lie.
We have to con them,
because it's the right thing to do.
Yes, yes.
OK.
Hmm!
Nice to see you, to see you...
BOTH: Nice!
JULIAN LAUGHS
It's like he's in the room!
Gentlemen,
there is an invasion afoot.
Despite expressly forbidding it,
she has just opened up the border
and let them all in.
The place is awash with eccentrics
and fantasists.
THEY GASP
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.
We told her we weren't playing ball.
Yes, there be nothing to see.
Slash smells.
No, no - they are planning on
faking it all.
Pretending that there are ghosts.
I mean, it makes a mockery
of our very existence.
But these people came here
for a glimpse of Fanny.
Yes, and they can hardly fake that.
Well, that's it.
Well, they still need you.
Of course! Come on. We shall have to
find you a place to hide.
Chop chop, Fanny.
Let's go. Come along.
Come on, ape.
We're putting a stop to this.
I didn't die to let someone else
fake the skills I've honed in death
without giving me a smartphone.
What?!
And I'll...
I'll stays here and watch...
..this wall.
Hmm.
Oh, yeah, this part of the house
has a lot of paranormal activity.
Oh, how exciting! I hope we see
some. Kitty, I think we ARE some.
Check, one, two. Check. Check.
Stick together, everyone!
One, two, two, two.
Pop into Pagham to purchase a pig.
OK. It's 21.07.
Recording in zone four for EVP.
What? Electronic voice phenomena.
It picks up vocal frequencies
of discarnate entities.
Ghosts, Danni,
the voices of ghosts.
Right, proceed to zone three.
Er...
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.
Did you hear that? What?
That thing there picks up
ghosts' voices.
Maybe we can help after all!
Help Alison?
Yeah. Speak into that microphone,
and we can prove
that this house is haunted.
What would we say?
Erm...
Hello, and, erm,
welcome to Button Hou...
Ooh! Welcome to Button FM!
I'm Pat Butcher.
HIGH-PITCHED: # Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo!
♪ The greatest DJ in the area!
♪ Pat Butcher! ♪
And joining me this week is
renowned poet Thomas Thorne!
How are you, Thomas?
WHISPERS: Thomas, we're on the air.
And we'll be right back with Thomas
after this song from local band
Chicken & Chips.
It's called Where's The Cream?
Greetings, my apparition apostles.
The Ghostmaster General here, on the
hunt in the kitchen of Button House,
where restless spirits
are said to...
Turn the light off.
Was that it?
Well, yeah, but it's, like,
really spooky,
cos it's when you least expect it...
..usually.
Robin! It not me!
Oooh, clever!
Oh, well, why don't you
sleep with her, then?
Sweetheart, we've talked about this.
Two can play at that game.
Hoooo!
HE STRAINS
Oh!
Eh? Who the daddy? I'm the daddy.
I'm Daddy.
No, no, no.
HE STRAINS
ELECTRICITY CRACKLES
THEY GASP Oh, God!
Things are kicking off here, guys.
This is getting pretty spooky.
Oh, yes, that's really thrown them
off the scent.
Oh...
Oh, no.
OK, ease down. Ease down.
It's over, isn't it? It's over.
Do you want some milk?
Do you... do you want a glass of
milk? No, thank you.
Cor! That really freaked them out.
They're all yours.
Right, then, to the ballroom.
Well, we know where they're not.
Come along, Fanny, down you go.
But it's cold and damp down there.
You can't feel the cold.
SHE SCREAMS
Huh.
Or can we?
Yes, cool the muscles,
improve performance.
A little night air
might just give me the edge.
SHE WHIMPERS
And, of course, your poetry rhymes,
which is A, harder,
and B, shows you have a real passion
for the English language.
Is that fair to say?
Yes.
HE SIGHS
And we'll be back with Thomas
after these advertisements.
Buy cheese.
Please.
Louise.
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,
made from only the freshest
Jersey milk,
lovingly thumbed from
our all-Friesian herd...
And we have a lot of
poltergeist activity up here.
But that's where I live!
Oh, we also have
a smell... tergeist... tergeist.
Smell-tergeist.
We're overrun!
If you just step this way...
SHE RETCHES
Do you smell that?
Yes, yes, I smell it.
Crafty cow.
Smells like fire,
but there is no fire.
Apart from that one.
WOMAN MUTTERS: Oh, come on.
Do you think we should leave this?
Yeah. That's... OK.
I mean, that wasn't what... OK.
We'll come back to that.
Now, anyway, back to the...
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
..poltergeist. Where?!
RUMBLING, ALISON GASPS
Wait. There it is now.
SHE SCREAMS
Don't let it eat me!
MURMURING
Wow! MURMURING
I hope you guys are seeing this.
This is the real deal.
Come on. It's moving again.
Evening.
Just resting my finger
against this mug.
JULIAN STRAINS
MUG SMASHES, THEY GASP
Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?!
What the...?!
Wow, er... Oh, yeah.
That's really shaken me up,
actually, guys. Um...
I'm going to have to sit down.
Not ideal.
And are these kinetic episodes
related to the full-body apparition?
The Grey Lady, Danni.
Well, I mean, she can be a bit
elusive, but, er, fingers crossed.
MARY WHIMPERS
This is another room said to be
haunted by the Grey Lady.
Oh, no, not again!
Hi, I'm back. Sorry, I just had to
take a minute to, er...
Oh, what's that?!
What was that?! What was that?!
Right, I can smell burning.
Er... Oh, that is so weird.
MARY RETCHES
Right, I'm freaking out,
I'm freaking out.
I'm going to have to get out of
here. I need some air.
MIKE GROANS What was that?
What's that made out of?
Sack? Silk. Silk.
And I have said, "Don't touch."
What's holding your hair?
Oh, Walter, put her down.
She's old enough to be your mother.
It's embarrassing.
I beg your pardon!
She looks like my mother.
I resent that.
Except the teeth.
My mum had nicer teeth.
Can I come out yet? Please!
Ahh!
There. Start my lap on the hour
chime, and who needs a stopwatch?
Yeah, touch of night air
on the old calves,
I should beat the pants
off my two minutes, 30.
Isn't that right, boy?
Oh, what do you know?
Right, here goes.
Ah, bracing!
So, this Grey Lady...
Yep, yeah, er, be patient.
Biscuit?
Ah, I'll just be a sec.
Any sign?
No, I can't find her anywhere.
OK, so what are we going to do?
Cos I promised these people
a Grey Lady ghost.
Why did you do that?
Because we've got one.
I think I've got an idea.
I just need to buy some time.
Uh-huh. OK.
No, the poltergeist was me. There
aren't ghosts that haunt ghosts.
There no ghost-ghost.
I know what I almost saw.
JULIAN SCOFFS
Still want that phone?
What? I need another burst
of that poltergeist act,
just while I sort something out.
So what do you say?
Want to play a few holes?
HE MOANS IN PLEASURE
Looks so good!
There's some sweet greens.
OK, I'm in.
Yes! Oi!
Ah-ta-ta! Great!
Now, you see that mug?
Yeah.
The second he puts it down,
do your worst. All right.
The housemaid's leg
was Gwendoline...
..and the lusty dog...
..was I.
Yet another poem from Thomas Thorne
there.
And apologies for those still
waiting for the pop quiz.
Right, let's see what we've got.
Join me next week when my guests
will be Sheena Easton
and Dudley Moore!
The kitchen, Danni. Check your map.
Here we go. Fame at last!
SILENCE
Nah. Nothing.
Thought as much.
There's no energy here.
With experience, you can feel it.
You can't learn that sort of thing.
It's a gift, a calling, really.
Come on.
You were great, mate.
You have a slightly grating register
and a tendency to gabble.
Something to work on.
Right. On your marks,
get set, and...
CLOCK CHIMES
For King and country!
Yes, yes, I'll be sure to visit
again very soon.
Hideous creatures!
Couldn't take another minute.
SHE WHIMPERS
SHE SCREAMS
CAMERA CLICKS, SHE SCREAMS
There's a real sense
there could quite literally
be a ghost around every corner.
I mean, if I just pan around,
you get some idea of the sheer size
of this place...
Oh, no!
Fanny's exposed!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
SLOW-MOTION SHOUTING
SLOW-MOTION CHEERING
..but, sadly, no Grey Lady.
THEY GROAN
Two, 29. Shaved off a second!
Well done, Cap.
I knew it! It's the cold air,
you see. I've still got it.
In my bally prime.
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
Slower, if anything.
The Grey Lady!
There's free-floa... In zone...
There's a ghost upstairs!
Right, come on! OK!
CAMERAS CLICK
The ghost-ghost.
ROBIN STRAINS
MURMURING
Guys, there you are.
I think I just saw a ghost in there.
I really am...
I'm sorry again for...
Sorry.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer
when I get one.
I really am sorry again.
For exploiting people, just because
they're open-minded enough to accept
the possibility that there might
just be such a thing as ghosts?
Because, let me tell you,
there are spirits all around us.
I just hope one day,
you come to embrace them.
At least!
That must be galling.
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!
HE LAUGHS
No. Come on!
It doesn't really work, mate.
No, come on! Come on!
HE GRUNTS
MIKE: It's already up on the blogs.
Huh... huh...
..hoax.
Well, back to weddings, then.
Ah!
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!
Now she does it.
MIMICS: Orf the lawn!
Orf the lawn!
LAUGHTER
Er, Alison,
this has stopped working.
It's saying "credit warning",
something about in-app purchases,
spending limits, blah-blah-blah.
180 quid?! Well, yeah.
I had to buy some new clubs.
In golf, you have to keep up with
the latest technology.
Oh, you didn't even do the mug.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
CUP SMASHES
There.
Now, I give you my Nelson Mandela.
Oh, no, no, Julian, no...