Ghosts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Free Pass - full transcript
Fortune smiles on Mike and Alison when a TV company comes looking for an old house.
CEREAL CRACKLES
Can you hear them?
Oh, yes.
Snap, crackle and pop.
They sounds like tiny people.
Plip-plip-plip-plip-plip!
"Help me, I can't swim!"
Guys, do you mind?
What are they doing?
Talking about the cereal.
GRUNTING
Red man! Red man!
Red man! Red man!
Postman's coming. How do you...? Oh!
I'll go with you. # Friends together
# Fetch the post together... #
Cornflakes were actually invented
to stop people from
touching themselves, apparently.
Never did like cornflakes.
Give me an egg atop a cutlet
any day of the diary.
TOASTER POPS
SCREAMS: Ooh!
Toaster. Yes, I know,
I wasn't scared.
# Let me read the post... #
It's so exciting
reading one's correspondences.
I bet these are from all your
admirers.
WHISPERS: I promise I won't tell
Michael! Anything interesting?
Red bill. Red bill. Normal bill.
Ooh! GHOSTS: Ooh!
They're looking for a house
to film a new drama in.
GHOSTS GASP
Oh, I smell money!
You can eat them now. What?
They have stopped calling out.
They are dead.
ALISON: Yeah, I mean,
it really is an incredible place.
The building itself is 15th-century.
Wow.
1469, to be precise.
Very good.
But the facade is actually mid-16th.
But the facade is actually mid-16th.
'Tis the finest house in the county.
Tell her it's the finest house
in the county. I don't want to...
..blow our own trumpet,
but some people say that it is the
finest house in the county.
Shall we go inside?
I'm telling you, this is a bad idea.
Actors lounging about the house,
learning lines, wearing make-up,
prancing about the place in
loincloths, topless, oiled up.
Kissing each other probably. Oh,
gosh! I don't think it's that kind
of film, mate!
This was the banqueting hall.
Great space. Boo! Oh! Agh!
Oh, I forgot to take out the bins.
Anyway, what could I tell you
about this room?
Henry VIII actually dined here.
Wow! Henry VIII actually dined here.
Sorry, did I say "wow"?
I'm just still amazed by that.
No, it is wow. Yeah.
Yeah, you should've seen the
banquet. He had swan.
He had swan. And hog. And hog. And
dumplings.
And figs. Absolutely stank out the
privy.
And absolutely... loved the place.
Absolutely loved it.
As do we!
MIKE: Hmm. Shall we move on?
Er, give us a lift?
Mate?
HE SIGHS
OK. Thank you. Yay!
What's the programme, then?
It's a period drama.
Oh, what period? Stuart! Tudor!
Regency!
Regency. Yes!
THUD!
Sorry! Got carried away!
Oh, there you are!
Are you a sight for sore...?
Oh, you are kidding me?
When I have control of the hands,
I am going to punch you so hard.
I think this place is perfect,
if you'd be willing to have us here
for a couple of months.
How much would you be offering?
3,000. We'd have to sleep on it.
3,000 a day is the most we can
offer. A day?!
SHE SNORES
Morning! I've just slept on it
and I say yes! And it's a yes from
me! Great!
Just to warn you, though,
it is quite intrusive.
Lots of personnel. Sounds fun.
It can feel like you're not welcome
in your own home.
Absolutely outrageous.
We're used to that.
We've had building work going on.
Is there anything structural
we should know about?
Well, the floor in this room...
No, no, no!
No, there's nothing structural.
Everything's structurally
sound as a pound!
TIMBERS CREAK
We were looking at a property
in the next village,
but they're a big family
and they had some issues about
which rooms we could use.
Well, we're easy. You can film
wherever you like, when you like.
Cos it's just the two of us.
Yeah...
CAPTAIN: Oh, here they come. The
riff-raff.
The lags. This will be chaos.
Hm.
Morning. Mind your backs!
ADs on channel 2, please.
LADY BUTTON: Well, I'm keeping out
of it.
Yes, though I might just,
erm... check.
Yeah.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Hm.
Um...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Oh, that looks absolutely lovely,
that, doesn't it?
You going to put an egg on it?
He's put an egg on it!
HE CHUCKLES
Can I have some veggie sausages,
please? No. On a roll. No.
Disgusting.
You be beautiful wigs
that I ever did s...
Ooh!
SHE RETCHES
Have you left your tongs on, Tina?
Is this meant to be 1820s?
Those are Rococo chairs and tables.
You can tell by the legs.
They're Rococo legs.
Hi, I'm Adam,
I'm the first assistant director.
Nice to meet you, hi. Hi. Mike.
Sorry... What do you mean,
he's still in make-up?
We're not meant to have more than
15 people on this floor,
and some of these things weigh as
much as people, so that's...
It'll be fine.
I'm sure that's an exaggeration.
But the survey said...
Yeah, the survey also said that we
need to replace the drains,
and we need this money to do that.
There aren't that many people,
anyway.
As long as there isn't anything
that's too heavy.
Mind your backs!
OK! You can store this in the other
room, actually.
It's easier for you then, isn't it?
Just keep things a bit more
uncluttered in here.
The room just along there. Can we
just...? Er...
Little horse go clippy-clippy-clop.
Oh, I see. Oh, hey!
No! What a business!
Oh, you done it now, man.
I suppose we should call it a day...
Hello to you, sir!
HE CHUCKLES
The gee-gees, come on, then.
Let's have a bit of this.
Come on.
HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT
OK.
That's an arrival on Toby.
Just stepping out of the car.
Oh, my God.
Who is that? Toby Nightingale.
He is... Hot, right?
It's certainly a lot of layers.
No, Kitty, she means to say
she's in love with him.
A knife in my heart!
Look at all his servants.
He looks preposterous.
Nine, ten...
He counts as two.
What are you...?
Ah.
Oh, no. Everything OK?
No. Yeah. Everything's fine.
It's just Toby Nightingale,
that's her free pass.
Free pass? Oh, right!
Ha! Don't let him hear that.
Yeah, I won't. I definitely won't.
Julian! I say, Julian!
What do you want? I'm terribly busy.
You wouldn't happen to know what
a "free pass" means?
Something Michael said.
Oh, yes. Samantha Fox was mine.
I do hope she's still modelling.
Very talented lady.
Alison's is this actor fellow.
What does it mean?
Well, it's a sort of clause
in a marriage contract.
A named exception to the rule of
monogamy.
Sometimes there's a whole list of
people
with whom one can enter into
congress without consequences.
My God! Margot had three of the
Gladiators on her list -
Wolf, Cobra and John Fashanu.
You mean to say that this player,
this minstrel,
is allowed to bed fair Alison?
He's her free pass.
CREW MEMBER: I'll start here,
and I think I'm going to approach...
What are they feeding the metal cow?
Oh! No, that's not a cow, Mary, no.
That's called a camera.
Yes. They're just cleaning the lens.
Is that its mouth?
No, no, no. That's its, erm, eye.
OK, cheques are happy.
What does that mean?
I thought you weren't interested?
What? No, no, no,
I just wanted to, erm, you know?
Can we clear the frame now?
First positions. Call for quiet.
Quiet on set, please!
That's extraordinary. Camera set?
MIKE: Huh! Getting a good look,
are we?
DIRECTOR: Quiet! Hm?
Alison! Shush. A word, if you
please. Shh-shh-shh!
Is it true that...? Shush...
..everyone.
Thank you.
And action! Oh, that's very good.
They've left for London.
It's a pity that such a sweet girl
should have such low connections.
Ooh! She's a fancy flapjack.
Perhaps you are too harsh on
your sex, Miss Jane.
In truth, you have not had
experience of all of society.
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
is born from other distractions.
TIMBERS CREAK
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
My lord.
WHISPERS: Kiss him!
MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
What is it? Damn you!
Yes, what is it? Damn you!
A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.
Byron? Cut!
Cut what? Oh, not my lace!
Byron? Did he say Byron?
Isn't he going to read the letter?
I'm sure Adam knows what he's doing.
That's one out, three in. Four.
God, they're everywhere!
This is about Byron?
Well, yeah, I mean,
the clue is in the title, mate.
HE GASPS
What effrontery is this?
I cannot and will not bear it!
Can we take that key light up
a little?
Ohh...
You do light.
HE CHUCKLES
He's smaller in real life, isn't he?
Taller, if anything.
I wish I could see his calves.
I bet he's got lovely calves.
Well, I thought that was rather
good. No good for me.
It sounds like there's a radio
on somewhere.
Can we find out where the...?
I'm on it.
I can also hear a wood pigeon.
Yeah, good luck with that one, mate.
What's up after this one? We're in
the bedroom for the sex scene.
Oh, my!
RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO
Sorry, Julian, they can hear it
on set.
No, actually, this is important.
I need to... Don't do that!
I've got a bet on.
You've got a bet on?
That's what I said.
You can't bet, you're dead.
All right, don't rub it in.
It's a sportsman's bet with myself.
Ooh, hold on a minute.
You could put a bet on for me.
You haven't got any money,
you're...
Dead! I know, you just said that,
I get it!
But you could keep my winnings,
maybe buy yourself
a pretty little dress.
Perhaps some make-up.
Make yourself look nice.
I really believe you have it
in you, Alison.
Just need a bit of help, that's all.
Wow. You're welcome.
Just keep the radio off, please!
Will do! Mystery Queen 10-1!
HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT
Sorted. Thank you. OK!
I can hear the radio again. One sec!
RADIO ON
I told you to turn it off.
No, actually, no, you didn't.
You said... Er... hold on a moment!
This is my house too.
I have a right to the amenities.
This is an infringement of my...
Write to your MP!
She got me there.
Sorry about that.
It won't happen again now.
OK.
Let's not get behind.
First positions, please!
That's it, Adam, call them to
order! Sound speed.
Here we go, stand by! Settle.
And action! Action.
They've left for London.
It's a pity that such a sweet girl
should have such low connections.
She said that before.
Yes, that's because...
Please, Pat. We're turning.
Perhaps you are too harsh on
your sex, Miss Jane.
HE GROANS
In truth you have not had
experience of all of society.
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
is born of other distractions.
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
CAPTAIN: Robin!
ALISON: For God's sake!
Sorry. It was just a really good
take, wasn't it?
Harry!
Sorry, I don't know why that
happened. I'll sort it.
OK, let's cut and reset
as quickly as possible, please.
No, we don't have time. We'll just
use the beginning of that one.
Let's move on before we lose the
day. OK, moving on!
Set up for the next shot, please.
CAPTAIN: Moving on, please,
everyone. Moving on.
DIRECTOR: Can I take a look at
playback, please?
RECORDING PLAYS
'Tis witchcraft.
Their souls be captured
in the window.
Oh, no, no, no. It's all being
recorded on to a video cassette.
But how are they cleft in twain?
They be there and there.
What?
Oh, God.
Um... Sorry, if I distracted
you there.
Oh, I didn't notice.
I was completely in the scene.
Great.
We haven't met, have we?
I'm Toby. I-I-I'm Alison.
Can I just say how good I thought
you were in The Shoe Shiner?
Fire away.
Oh, er, yeah.
I just thought you were so good.
It's actually one of my favourite
films. I'm Mike.
I completely believed
that you were blind.
Thanks. I spent a week at a hotel
for the blind.
Wore a blindfold,
really got to know the condition.
One of the most rewarding times
of my life.
Wow. I tell you what,
food never tasted so good.
Now I always eat with my eyes
closed.
Mind your backs, please!
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Excuse me, Toby. No problem.
Nice to meet you, Abigail.
It's... It's Alison.
That looks really heavy.
Shall we just come clean?
What, and tell them that they're
working on a death trap?
Look, if you go outside,
that's one less.
Both of us.
Fine.
Curses!
A pox on all of them...
..apart from Alison.
Finally!
Come to coax me back, have you?
It's no use!
Nothing will persuade me to...
Oh, it's you.
Go and get Alis...
Oh, he can't hear me.
Harry, can you hurry with that
light, please?
So the metal cow remembers what it
sees...
Through its one eye?
Yeah. And it sends the memories
through the cables...
Worms. Worms, if you like.
..to the little window.
Where the tiny peoples dance
the memories.
Yeah, if you like.
Ohh! Come to dadda.
There we go, that's all good.
HE GRUNTS
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
HE GRUNTS
THUD!
Seems to be all right now.
Thanks, Harry, just one more,
from the top.
I thought they were moving on?
When are they moving on?
Oh, they do lots of different
camera angles. How many?
Quiet on set, please!
Quiet on set, please.
Turning over. Sound speed.
And action! Action.
MISS JANE: They've left for London.
It's a pity...
Stand aside, Thorne!
You really want to know what vexed
me? GHOSTS: No!
Fine, I'll tell you.
CAPTAIN SIGHS
Lord Byron was my greatest foe.
If I had flesh
and this were Byron himself,
I would damn well run him through!
He stole my verse,
my destiny,
and now he is to steal
the woman of my dreams!
You say every woman is
the woman of your dreams.
I have a lot of dreams!
And most of them are about women...
..apart from the one
where I have the body of a crab.
SERVANT CLEARS HIS THROAT
What is it? Damn you!
Begging your pardon.
A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.
I will not tolerate this sordid
pantomime in my house
glorifying this charlatan!
This cad!
This wazzock!
HE GASPS
What's a wazzock?
Pat says it! I'm going to drown
myself in the lake.
TEARFULLY: I mean it!
Cut! Cut there!
Right, we're going to take
a couple of minutes,
just to turn things around
for the reverse.
Actors, you can relax yourselves
off.
Right, that's two minutes, people,
and then we're going to turn it
round.
Thank you very much.
God, this is good.
Oh, hey, Abigail. Oh, it's Alis...
I wonder if I could ask you a
favour.
I've got this scene later,
I need to run the lines.
I didn't want to ask her, because I
find it can stifle spontaneity,
and I want to keep it fresh and
beautiful.
I'm Lord Byron, obviously. Yep.
I've thought of nothing
but you all day.
Have you? Oh...
No, that's the scene,
that's the first line.
Oh, oh-oh! Oh! Of course!
Why would you...? That's... OK!
I've thought of nothing but you
all day. Hm.
Do not deny your feelings.
I do not. Alison? Oh, my heart.
First, I will kiss your lips. Ohh!
Then I will undress you. Ohh...
And then...
And then...
HE TUTS
Squares!
TOILET FLUSHES
RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO
Ha! Bingo!
WOMAN: Can we have some music on,
please, Cathy?
My bus, my rules!
I've got 20 quid on this!
Ah, yes.
HE CHUCKLES
You are on a sinful path.
I can't talk about this now.
It's not what you think it is.
Oh, I know all about this
so-called free pass.
Your husband may be satisfied
but, I tell you, I am not.
The marriage vows are sacred,
and I will not have you
sullying the good name of this
family with your wanton debauchery!
Mm...
Hey!
What are you wearing?
Oh, I thought I'd go for a run.
Now? You don't run.
Hey, going for a run?
Yeah, I like to keep in shape.
What are we talking? 5K?
Pfft! 10... at least.
Cool. I'm actually in training
for my next project.
I'm playing a mountain climber,
so I'm mainly focusing on upper-body
strength. Yeah? Me... me too!
One...
Why is that...? Are you actually
going up a real-life mountain?
Of course.
Mike couldn't do that.
He's scared of heights.
I wouldn't say scared.
Oh, I love them, if anything.
Don't faze me at all.
OK, back on in five, everyone!
OK, well, I'd better get going.
Keep an eye on the floor, yeah? Hm.
Enjoy your 10K.
Oh, my God.
How much does that thing weigh?
Watch yourself, coming through.
Where have all these people come
from? There's twice as many.
HE STRAINS
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
In your face!
Robin! What the bally hell
do you think you're playing at?
Bigger boy made me do it.
No! It's nonsense, and you know it!
Yeah, I just think it's a shame
we're not just pushing in
for that moment there,
just to capture the emotion.
Well, I'm sure they know what
they're doing, Mary.
Will, can you just push in a little?
Just get the emotion.
Yeah, sure. Well done, Mary!
KITTY SIGHS
This is taking for ever.
Oh!
That's probably about 10K.
Little short cut...
Oh... Why is that?
BOTH: First positions.
Thanks for your patience, everyone.
This is the last set-up.
Toby. Toby.
Lord Byron? Yes? First positions.
Turning. Sound speed!
And action. Action.
They've left for London.
CREAKING
In truth, you have not had
experience of all of society.
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
is born from other distractions.
CREAKING
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
My lord.
And cut! That's scene complete.
That should hold it.
Jolly good. Excellent work,
everybody, thank you.
Thank you so much for your hard work
today, everyone.
It does not go unnoticed.
Lovely working with you, thank you.
Thank God. I thought they were
never going to finish.
Moving on to the bedroom.
Closed set, just essential crew,
please, cos there'll be nudity.
Oh, I hope he has a hairy chest.
Good Lord.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
OK, it's a closed set. There will be
intercourse, apparently.
OVER RADIO: Next up, it's the
main event of the day, this is
the big one, the King Henry Stakes.
As the riders line up,
the atmosphere here
is absolutely electric.
Here we go! Fingers-fingers!
There you are, Harry, straight
through, yep.
First door on the right, thank you.
Er, no. No, thank you.
You heard Adam. It's a closed set.
Essential crew only.
Especially not you, Robin!
I'll be good. There's no harm in it.
They can't see us, mate.
Yeah, we're ghosts,
you warty old crunk.
That is beside the point. Rules
are rules, and young Adam deserves
our every respect.
OK, if everyone's happy.
Let's clear the room.
ROBIN GRUNTS
TOBY BLOWS THROUGH LIPS
Mah!
Good Lord. Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Why he do rain dance?
The Devil plays with his strings!
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's getting
himself in the zone.
Ah.
SHE GIGGLES
Fixed it!
Oh, great!
Before or after the 10K?
Where's your free pass?
You...
You're not are you actually jealous?
No.
But, I mean, he is handsome.
Hm.
And... action.
GHOSTS CLAMOUR
CAPTAIN: No, thank you!
I've thought of nothing
but you all day.
Yes!
What are you all doing here?
We're not allowed in.
They're making love. What?!
No, no, no, Fanny, no! No, Fanny!
OVER RADIO: Bradley's Misdemeanour
challenged by the outsider
Mystery Queen.
Come on, Bradley!
Come on, Mystery Queen!
SHE GASPS
Alison!
First, I will kiss you...
HE SCREAMS
OVER RADIO: Mystery Queen on the
nearside... BOTH: Come on!
Help! I can't pull myself up.
HE SHRIEKS
BOTH: Come on!
TOBY SHRIEKS
Stop kicking!
BOTH: Come on!
ELECTRICITY ZAPS
RADIO TURNS OFF
Oh, come on!
Robin! What? It wasn't me!
Have you got me? Have you got me?
It's OK. Let yourself down.
Slowly.
Have you got...?
HE GASPS
Oh, God. Oh, God.
You're fine now,
you're all right now.
All right.
Someone get a medic in here.
Toby, are you OK? No, I'm not.
I could've died,
and then where would you be?
Where did you get that from?
HE SPITS
I think you know.
CAPTAIN: That's a terrible shame.
I thought you didn't want them here?
Not for me, for you.
The money and so on.
I shan't miss him... them!
'Tis back to boredom, I suppose.
Oh, never bored with chess board.
Well, I think it quite the best to
be free from distractions.
You do know that free pass thing's
a joke? Wasn't in my marriage.
Goodbye, £96,000.
Yeah...
Well, at least we won 100 quid.
Mystery Queen.
Got a tip from a ghost.
That's how we can make money!
No, they're... they're ghosts, Mike.
I think you're thinking of
time-travellers.
Oh.
Yeah, but... No.
Well, Thomas will be glad they've
gone.
Yeah, perhaps someone
should tell him.
Come on, Pat. Chop chop!
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
Can you hear them?
Oh, yes.
Snap, crackle and pop.
They sounds like tiny people.
Plip-plip-plip-plip-plip!
"Help me, I can't swim!"
Guys, do you mind?
What are they doing?
Talking about the cereal.
GRUNTING
Red man! Red man!
Red man! Red man!
Postman's coming. How do you...? Oh!
I'll go with you. # Friends together
# Fetch the post together... #
Cornflakes were actually invented
to stop people from
touching themselves, apparently.
Never did like cornflakes.
Give me an egg atop a cutlet
any day of the diary.
TOASTER POPS
SCREAMS: Ooh!
Toaster. Yes, I know,
I wasn't scared.
# Let me read the post... #
It's so exciting
reading one's correspondences.
I bet these are from all your
admirers.
WHISPERS: I promise I won't tell
Michael! Anything interesting?
Red bill. Red bill. Normal bill.
Ooh! GHOSTS: Ooh!
They're looking for a house
to film a new drama in.
GHOSTS GASP
Oh, I smell money!
You can eat them now. What?
They have stopped calling out.
They are dead.
ALISON: Yeah, I mean,
it really is an incredible place.
The building itself is 15th-century.
Wow.
1469, to be precise.
Very good.
But the facade is actually mid-16th.
But the facade is actually mid-16th.
'Tis the finest house in the county.
Tell her it's the finest house
in the county. I don't want to...
..blow our own trumpet,
but some people say that it is the
finest house in the county.
Shall we go inside?
I'm telling you, this is a bad idea.
Actors lounging about the house,
learning lines, wearing make-up,
prancing about the place in
loincloths, topless, oiled up.
Kissing each other probably. Oh,
gosh! I don't think it's that kind
of film, mate!
This was the banqueting hall.
Great space. Boo! Oh! Agh!
Oh, I forgot to take out the bins.
Anyway, what could I tell you
about this room?
Henry VIII actually dined here.
Wow! Henry VIII actually dined here.
Sorry, did I say "wow"?
I'm just still amazed by that.
No, it is wow. Yeah.
Yeah, you should've seen the
banquet. He had swan.
He had swan. And hog. And hog. And
dumplings.
And figs. Absolutely stank out the
privy.
And absolutely... loved the place.
Absolutely loved it.
As do we!
MIKE: Hmm. Shall we move on?
Er, give us a lift?
Mate?
HE SIGHS
OK. Thank you. Yay!
What's the programme, then?
It's a period drama.
Oh, what period? Stuart! Tudor!
Regency!
Regency. Yes!
THUD!
Sorry! Got carried away!
Oh, there you are!
Are you a sight for sore...?
Oh, you are kidding me?
When I have control of the hands,
I am going to punch you so hard.
I think this place is perfect,
if you'd be willing to have us here
for a couple of months.
How much would you be offering?
3,000. We'd have to sleep on it.
3,000 a day is the most we can
offer. A day?!
SHE SNORES
Morning! I've just slept on it
and I say yes! And it's a yes from
me! Great!
Just to warn you, though,
it is quite intrusive.
Lots of personnel. Sounds fun.
It can feel like you're not welcome
in your own home.
Absolutely outrageous.
We're used to that.
We've had building work going on.
Is there anything structural
we should know about?
Well, the floor in this room...
No, no, no!
No, there's nothing structural.
Everything's structurally
sound as a pound!
TIMBERS CREAK
We were looking at a property
in the next village,
but they're a big family
and they had some issues about
which rooms we could use.
Well, we're easy. You can film
wherever you like, when you like.
Cos it's just the two of us.
Yeah...
CAPTAIN: Oh, here they come. The
riff-raff.
The lags. This will be chaos.
Hm.
Morning. Mind your backs!
ADs on channel 2, please.
LADY BUTTON: Well, I'm keeping out
of it.
Yes, though I might just,
erm... check.
Yeah.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Hm.
Um...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Oh, that looks absolutely lovely,
that, doesn't it?
You going to put an egg on it?
He's put an egg on it!
HE CHUCKLES
Can I have some veggie sausages,
please? No. On a roll. No.
Disgusting.
You be beautiful wigs
that I ever did s...
Ooh!
SHE RETCHES
Have you left your tongs on, Tina?
Is this meant to be 1820s?
Those are Rococo chairs and tables.
You can tell by the legs.
They're Rococo legs.
Hi, I'm Adam,
I'm the first assistant director.
Nice to meet you, hi. Hi. Mike.
Sorry... What do you mean,
he's still in make-up?
We're not meant to have more than
15 people on this floor,
and some of these things weigh as
much as people, so that's...
It'll be fine.
I'm sure that's an exaggeration.
But the survey said...
Yeah, the survey also said that we
need to replace the drains,
and we need this money to do that.
There aren't that many people,
anyway.
As long as there isn't anything
that's too heavy.
Mind your backs!
OK! You can store this in the other
room, actually.
It's easier for you then, isn't it?
Just keep things a bit more
uncluttered in here.
The room just along there. Can we
just...? Er...
Little horse go clippy-clippy-clop.
Oh, I see. Oh, hey!
No! What a business!
Oh, you done it now, man.
I suppose we should call it a day...
Hello to you, sir!
HE CHUCKLES
The gee-gees, come on, then.
Let's have a bit of this.
Come on.
HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT
OK.
That's an arrival on Toby.
Just stepping out of the car.
Oh, my God.
Who is that? Toby Nightingale.
He is... Hot, right?
It's certainly a lot of layers.
No, Kitty, she means to say
she's in love with him.
A knife in my heart!
Look at all his servants.
He looks preposterous.
Nine, ten...
He counts as two.
What are you...?
Ah.
Oh, no. Everything OK?
No. Yeah. Everything's fine.
It's just Toby Nightingale,
that's her free pass.
Free pass? Oh, right!
Ha! Don't let him hear that.
Yeah, I won't. I definitely won't.
Julian! I say, Julian!
What do you want? I'm terribly busy.
You wouldn't happen to know what
a "free pass" means?
Something Michael said.
Oh, yes. Samantha Fox was mine.
I do hope she's still modelling.
Very talented lady.
Alison's is this actor fellow.
What does it mean?
Well, it's a sort of clause
in a marriage contract.
A named exception to the rule of
monogamy.
Sometimes there's a whole list of
people
with whom one can enter into
congress without consequences.
My God! Margot had three of the
Gladiators on her list -
Wolf, Cobra and John Fashanu.
You mean to say that this player,
this minstrel,
is allowed to bed fair Alison?
He's her free pass.
CREW MEMBER: I'll start here,
and I think I'm going to approach...
What are they feeding the metal cow?
Oh! No, that's not a cow, Mary, no.
That's called a camera.
Yes. They're just cleaning the lens.
Is that its mouth?
No, no, no. That's its, erm, eye.
OK, cheques are happy.
What does that mean?
I thought you weren't interested?
What? No, no, no,
I just wanted to, erm, you know?
Can we clear the frame now?
First positions. Call for quiet.
Quiet on set, please!
That's extraordinary. Camera set?
MIKE: Huh! Getting a good look,
are we?
DIRECTOR: Quiet! Hm?
Alison! Shush. A word, if you
please. Shh-shh-shh!
Is it true that...? Shush...
..everyone.
Thank you.
And action! Oh, that's very good.
They've left for London.
It's a pity that such a sweet girl
should have such low connections.
Ooh! She's a fancy flapjack.
Perhaps you are too harsh on
your sex, Miss Jane.
In truth, you have not had
experience of all of society.
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
is born from other distractions.
TIMBERS CREAK
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
My lord.
WHISPERS: Kiss him!
MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
What is it? Damn you!
Yes, what is it? Damn you!
A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.
Byron? Cut!
Cut what? Oh, not my lace!
Byron? Did he say Byron?
Isn't he going to read the letter?
I'm sure Adam knows what he's doing.
That's one out, three in. Four.
God, they're everywhere!
This is about Byron?
Well, yeah, I mean,
the clue is in the title, mate.
HE GASPS
What effrontery is this?
I cannot and will not bear it!
Can we take that key light up
a little?
Ohh...
You do light.
HE CHUCKLES
He's smaller in real life, isn't he?
Taller, if anything.
I wish I could see his calves.
I bet he's got lovely calves.
Well, I thought that was rather
good. No good for me.
It sounds like there's a radio
on somewhere.
Can we find out where the...?
I'm on it.
I can also hear a wood pigeon.
Yeah, good luck with that one, mate.
What's up after this one? We're in
the bedroom for the sex scene.
Oh, my!
RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO
Sorry, Julian, they can hear it
on set.
No, actually, this is important.
I need to... Don't do that!
I've got a bet on.
You've got a bet on?
That's what I said.
You can't bet, you're dead.
All right, don't rub it in.
It's a sportsman's bet with myself.
Ooh, hold on a minute.
You could put a bet on for me.
You haven't got any money,
you're...
Dead! I know, you just said that,
I get it!
But you could keep my winnings,
maybe buy yourself
a pretty little dress.
Perhaps some make-up.
Make yourself look nice.
I really believe you have it
in you, Alison.
Just need a bit of help, that's all.
Wow. You're welcome.
Just keep the radio off, please!
Will do! Mystery Queen 10-1!
HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT
Sorted. Thank you. OK!
I can hear the radio again. One sec!
RADIO ON
I told you to turn it off.
No, actually, no, you didn't.
You said... Er... hold on a moment!
This is my house too.
I have a right to the amenities.
This is an infringement of my...
Write to your MP!
She got me there.
Sorry about that.
It won't happen again now.
OK.
Let's not get behind.
First positions, please!
That's it, Adam, call them to
order! Sound speed.
Here we go, stand by! Settle.
And action! Action.
They've left for London.
It's a pity that such a sweet girl
should have such low connections.
She said that before.
Yes, that's because...
Please, Pat. We're turning.
Perhaps you are too harsh on
your sex, Miss Jane.
HE GROANS
In truth you have not had
experience of all of society.
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
is born of other distractions.
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
CAPTAIN: Robin!
ALISON: For God's sake!
Sorry. It was just a really good
take, wasn't it?
Harry!
Sorry, I don't know why that
happened. I'll sort it.
OK, let's cut and reset
as quickly as possible, please.
No, we don't have time. We'll just
use the beginning of that one.
Let's move on before we lose the
day. OK, moving on!
Set up for the next shot, please.
CAPTAIN: Moving on, please,
everyone. Moving on.
DIRECTOR: Can I take a look at
playback, please?
RECORDING PLAYS
'Tis witchcraft.
Their souls be captured
in the window.
Oh, no, no, no. It's all being
recorded on to a video cassette.
But how are they cleft in twain?
They be there and there.
What?
Oh, God.
Um... Sorry, if I distracted
you there.
Oh, I didn't notice.
I was completely in the scene.
Great.
We haven't met, have we?
I'm Toby. I-I-I'm Alison.
Can I just say how good I thought
you were in The Shoe Shiner?
Fire away.
Oh, er, yeah.
I just thought you were so good.
It's actually one of my favourite
films. I'm Mike.
I completely believed
that you were blind.
Thanks. I spent a week at a hotel
for the blind.
Wore a blindfold,
really got to know the condition.
One of the most rewarding times
of my life.
Wow. I tell you what,
food never tasted so good.
Now I always eat with my eyes
closed.
Mind your backs, please!
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
Excuse me, Toby. No problem.
Nice to meet you, Abigail.
It's... It's Alison.
That looks really heavy.
Shall we just come clean?
What, and tell them that they're
working on a death trap?
Look, if you go outside,
that's one less.
Both of us.
Fine.
Curses!
A pox on all of them...
..apart from Alison.
Finally!
Come to coax me back, have you?
It's no use!
Nothing will persuade me to...
Oh, it's you.
Go and get Alis...
Oh, he can't hear me.
Harry, can you hurry with that
light, please?
So the metal cow remembers what it
sees...
Through its one eye?
Yeah. And it sends the memories
through the cables...
Worms. Worms, if you like.
..to the little window.
Where the tiny peoples dance
the memories.
Yeah, if you like.
Ohh! Come to dadda.
There we go, that's all good.
HE GRUNTS
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
HE GRUNTS
THUD!
Seems to be all right now.
Thanks, Harry, just one more,
from the top.
I thought they were moving on?
When are they moving on?
Oh, they do lots of different
camera angles. How many?
Quiet on set, please!
Quiet on set, please.
Turning over. Sound speed.
And action! Action.
MISS JANE: They've left for London.
It's a pity...
Stand aside, Thorne!
You really want to know what vexed
me? GHOSTS: No!
Fine, I'll tell you.
CAPTAIN SIGHS
Lord Byron was my greatest foe.
If I had flesh
and this were Byron himself,
I would damn well run him through!
He stole my verse,
my destiny,
and now he is to steal
the woman of my dreams!
You say every woman is
the woman of your dreams.
I have a lot of dreams!
And most of them are about women...
..apart from the one
where I have the body of a crab.
SERVANT CLEARS HIS THROAT
What is it? Damn you!
Begging your pardon.
A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.
I will not tolerate this sordid
pantomime in my house
glorifying this charlatan!
This cad!
This wazzock!
HE GASPS
What's a wazzock?
Pat says it! I'm going to drown
myself in the lake.
TEARFULLY: I mean it!
Cut! Cut there!
Right, we're going to take
a couple of minutes,
just to turn things around
for the reverse.
Actors, you can relax yourselves
off.
Right, that's two minutes, people,
and then we're going to turn it
round.
Thank you very much.
God, this is good.
Oh, hey, Abigail. Oh, it's Alis...
I wonder if I could ask you a
favour.
I've got this scene later,
I need to run the lines.
I didn't want to ask her, because I
find it can stifle spontaneity,
and I want to keep it fresh and
beautiful.
I'm Lord Byron, obviously. Yep.
I've thought of nothing
but you all day.
Have you? Oh...
No, that's the scene,
that's the first line.
Oh, oh-oh! Oh! Of course!
Why would you...? That's... OK!
I've thought of nothing but you
all day. Hm.
Do not deny your feelings.
I do not. Alison? Oh, my heart.
First, I will kiss your lips. Ohh!
Then I will undress you. Ohh...
And then...
And then...
HE TUTS
Squares!
TOILET FLUSHES
RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO
Ha! Bingo!
WOMAN: Can we have some music on,
please, Cathy?
My bus, my rules!
I've got 20 quid on this!
Ah, yes.
HE CHUCKLES
You are on a sinful path.
I can't talk about this now.
It's not what you think it is.
Oh, I know all about this
so-called free pass.
Your husband may be satisfied
but, I tell you, I am not.
The marriage vows are sacred,
and I will not have you
sullying the good name of this
family with your wanton debauchery!
Mm...
Hey!
What are you wearing?
Oh, I thought I'd go for a run.
Now? You don't run.
Hey, going for a run?
Yeah, I like to keep in shape.
What are we talking? 5K?
Pfft! 10... at least.
Cool. I'm actually in training
for my next project.
I'm playing a mountain climber,
so I'm mainly focusing on upper-body
strength. Yeah? Me... me too!
One...
Why is that...? Are you actually
going up a real-life mountain?
Of course.
Mike couldn't do that.
He's scared of heights.
I wouldn't say scared.
Oh, I love them, if anything.
Don't faze me at all.
OK, back on in five, everyone!
OK, well, I'd better get going.
Keep an eye on the floor, yeah? Hm.
Enjoy your 10K.
Oh, my God.
How much does that thing weigh?
Watch yourself, coming through.
Where have all these people come
from? There's twice as many.
HE STRAINS
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
In your face!
Robin! What the bally hell
do you think you're playing at?
Bigger boy made me do it.
No! It's nonsense, and you know it!
Yeah, I just think it's a shame
we're not just pushing in
for that moment there,
just to capture the emotion.
Well, I'm sure they know what
they're doing, Mary.
Will, can you just push in a little?
Just get the emotion.
Yeah, sure. Well done, Mary!
KITTY SIGHS
This is taking for ever.
Oh!
That's probably about 10K.
Little short cut...
Oh... Why is that?
BOTH: First positions.
Thanks for your patience, everyone.
This is the last set-up.
Toby. Toby.
Lord Byron? Yes? First positions.
Turning. Sound speed!
And action. Action.
They've left for London.
CREAKING
In truth, you have not had
experience of all of society.
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
is born from other distractions.
CREAKING
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
My lord.
And cut! That's scene complete.
That should hold it.
Jolly good. Excellent work,
everybody, thank you.
Thank you so much for your hard work
today, everyone.
It does not go unnoticed.
Lovely working with you, thank you.
Thank God. I thought they were
never going to finish.
Moving on to the bedroom.
Closed set, just essential crew,
please, cos there'll be nudity.
Oh, I hope he has a hairy chest.
Good Lord.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
OK, it's a closed set. There will be
intercourse, apparently.
OVER RADIO: Next up, it's the
main event of the day, this is
the big one, the King Henry Stakes.
As the riders line up,
the atmosphere here
is absolutely electric.
Here we go! Fingers-fingers!
There you are, Harry, straight
through, yep.
First door on the right, thank you.
Er, no. No, thank you.
You heard Adam. It's a closed set.
Essential crew only.
Especially not you, Robin!
I'll be good. There's no harm in it.
They can't see us, mate.
Yeah, we're ghosts,
you warty old crunk.
That is beside the point. Rules
are rules, and young Adam deserves
our every respect.
OK, if everyone's happy.
Let's clear the room.
ROBIN GRUNTS
TOBY BLOWS THROUGH LIPS
Mah!
Good Lord. Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Why he do rain dance?
The Devil plays with his strings!
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's getting
himself in the zone.
Ah.
SHE GIGGLES
Fixed it!
Oh, great!
Before or after the 10K?
Where's your free pass?
You...
You're not are you actually jealous?
No.
But, I mean, he is handsome.
Hm.
And... action.
GHOSTS CLAMOUR
CAPTAIN: No, thank you!
I've thought of nothing
but you all day.
Yes!
What are you all doing here?
We're not allowed in.
They're making love. What?!
No, no, no, Fanny, no! No, Fanny!
OVER RADIO: Bradley's Misdemeanour
challenged by the outsider
Mystery Queen.
Come on, Bradley!
Come on, Mystery Queen!
SHE GASPS
Alison!
First, I will kiss you...
HE SCREAMS
OVER RADIO: Mystery Queen on the
nearside... BOTH: Come on!
Help! I can't pull myself up.
HE SHRIEKS
BOTH: Come on!
TOBY SHRIEKS
Stop kicking!
BOTH: Come on!
ELECTRICITY ZAPS
RADIO TURNS OFF
Oh, come on!
Robin! What? It wasn't me!
Have you got me? Have you got me?
It's OK. Let yourself down.
Slowly.
Have you got...?
HE GASPS
Oh, God. Oh, God.
You're fine now,
you're all right now.
All right.
Someone get a medic in here.
Toby, are you OK? No, I'm not.
I could've died,
and then where would you be?
Where did you get that from?
HE SPITS
I think you know.
CAPTAIN: That's a terrible shame.
I thought you didn't want them here?
Not for me, for you.
The money and so on.
I shan't miss him... them!
'Tis back to boredom, I suppose.
Oh, never bored with chess board.
Well, I think it quite the best to
be free from distractions.
You do know that free pass thing's
a joke? Wasn't in my marriage.
Goodbye, £96,000.
Yeah...
Well, at least we won 100 quid.
Mystery Queen.
Got a tip from a ghost.
That's how we can make money!
No, they're... they're ghosts, Mike.
I think you're thinking of
time-travellers.
Oh.
Yeah, but... No.
Well, Thomas will be glad they've
gone.
Yeah, perhaps someone
should tell him.
Come on, Pat. Chop chop!
HE SIGHS DEEPLY