Ghosts (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Gorilla War - full transcript
Alison, still recovering from her near-fatal accident, finds herself hounded by the ghostly gaggle, who now realise that she can both see and hear them.
Agh!
Testing!
Well, that seems pretty conclusive.
She can also hear us.
Clear!
This room gonna get some DIY!
DIY!
What is this impudence?!
This is my room, do you hear me?
My room!
What sort of heathen just barges in
on a lady while she's sleeping?
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
What on earth is going on?
# Daddy gonna drill
a hole in the wall... #
Daddy is not drilling any holes in
any...
This is beyond the pale!
No. What are you do...?
Oh, you have got to be joking.
Mike!
Er...
Oh! This looks fun!
I'm going to call it the smile hole.
Hello, Lady Button! Morning!
Mike!
No, no, no! You can't just leave it
like this. Where are you going? You
can't just...
So, what's your favourite morning
song?
I think mine is...
# There's a lark in the bushel
at the corner of the... #
Mike!
Er...
They're back!
Who?
Them!
Er...
Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen.
It is unseemly for a lady to...
Him! Cover that up at once.
You beastly wretch!
I refuse to be taunted in my own
home by that lying, cheating...
Ex-husband. You know how it is.
Oh, we're the same height!
Do you need a tea?
Lady coming through!
What's your favourite colour?
Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do
that! Aly!
There's a cave one and there's an
Army one and there's one with no
pants on...
And a first from Cambridge!
And a first from Cambridge!
OK, OK.
I know it may seem very real, but
remember what they said at the
hospital, yeah?
"May experience visual
disturbances."
But I can hear them too.
And my Uncle Graeme,
he thought he could smell toast,
but you know what?
There was no toast.
He was having a stroke!
He died, Mike.
OK, bad example.
I'm just saying, think about it -
what's more likely,
that you can see ghosts, or that
you're still suffering from severe
concussion?
Ghosts.
Concussion.
Exactly. You don't just...
Robin, you've been here a while.
Have you ever seen
anything like this before?
One time, yes.
But was a bear.
Bear was like, "Raargh!"
and I'm like, "Argh!"
and then he like, "Ooh, hurr, hurr!"
And I'm like...
"Woo!" And the bear's like...
You had to be there.
Rare, then.
Or magic?
Black magic.
Perhaps she's just special.
Indeed she is. And you'll be back
to your old self in no time.
Just give it a few days, yeah?
OK.
OK? Yep.
So, Mike, what are you up to?
Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff
that we can't live without.
So like heating and hot
water and... TV.
But the boiler's next on the list!
After that.
Are you sure you know what you're
doing?
No. But Google does,
so we're golden.
Wowee.
That's quite the encyclopaedia.
It's gotta be, what, two CD-ROMs,
min.
It's all under control here,
so why don't you go and relax?
Have yourself a nice war... tepid
bath.
I'd like that.
One of them just said what I said.
See? It's all in your head.
Just give it a few days, yeah?
Now go on - bath.
Clearly, this changes things.
By some quirk of fate, it would seem
the new Lady Button...
She's no lady, and no Button.
Well, whoever she is,
she can now both see and hear us,
which opens up
some intriguing possibilities -
chiefly the potential
for a full-frontal assault.
Order them to leave. Face-to-face.
Yes!
Well, conversings with the dead
be witchcraft.
People been burned at the stake for
less.
Except of course she isn't
truly conversing, is she?
She may give ear to my overtures,
but, alas, she is yet to respond...
to any of us.
She spoke to me.
What? No, she did not.
Did. Said...
Aaargh!
I don't think that's a word,
Robin. No.
'Tis. I had cousin,
that's all he said.
She's not conversing because
Mr Sledgehammer up there has
convinced her
we are just figments
of her imagination,
which is why we need
a change of tactics.
We work in shifts.
Campaign of attrition.
Guerrilla war.
Gorilla always win.
Why is it always about war with you?
Well...
What's wrong with a nice 'hello'?
Maybe show them around.
Then we could all sit down
and have a nice friendly chat
about this whole hotel business.
It is nice to be friendly.
Ideally more than friendly.
Befriended by you lot?
I can't think of anything more
annoying.
In fact, you know what?
Do that! Yeah, good plan.
That'll send them running.
Perhaps I should handle
the negotiations.
Huh?
Well, I did, after all,
resolve the Arabian crisis of '91.
What, you stopped a war?
No, I stopped a crisis.
By starting a war, as it happens,
but, you know, that's not the point.
The point is, I was lead envoy
in the negotiations.
Utter toffee.
You couldn't negotiate your way
out of a corn maze.
How dare you!
I'm a respected politician
and diplomat,
and I will not have my credentials
called into question
by some work-shy Bohemian.
That treaty was my legacy.
Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny.
Fine!
I'll prove it to you! Mmm. Yeah.
Ho-ho! You'll see.
Imagine that slammed!
# Daddy's gonna give it
some DIY, DIY... #
Right. I'll show them.
That's better.
No, no, no, no, no - that's worse!
This is awful!
I shall write to the owners.
But where's my quill?
Maybe I left it... downstairs.
Oh, brick it up, you oaf.
I refuse to spend eternity
in the company of a halfwit.
I thought we were friends!
Friends
are peers and intellectual equals,
Kitty.
We are neither.
Fine!
Then I'm not letting you go in my
canoe.
I just...
Right, then.
Old boiler.
This'll learn those berks.
Hmm.
Huh.
There's nothing to be scared of.
# Daddy gonna fix
the boiler now... #
Hmm.
# YouTube gonna show Daddy how... #
Ooh!
Come on!
Ugh!
Oh, it's not playing ball, is it?
What's he doing?
Oh, no, Daddy.
No, you need to prime the inlet
pump, open the induction loop,
repressurise the system,
then connect the gas feed,
and then ignite the...
Or just hit it with a hammer.
Unbelievable.
Technophobe.
Yeah.
Right. It's going to take a
sustained assault to grind her down,
so we'll take it in shifts.
I'll go first! We have a connection.
A frisson, if you will.
Maybe I should go first.
Let her know the lay of the land.
No. This is a military campaign,
and I'm not the sort to bring up
the rear.
No, I'll go first.
Urgh!
And then you, Pat,
and then Mary, and...
Good heavens. What on Earth is
that?
Ah, now, that is the front bit
of a television.
I don't know where the back bit is,
but that's the front!
Extraordinary.
Any luck with the boiler?
Nah, not really.
It's in a pretty bad way.
Looks like some idiot
has taken a hammer to it.
I'll have a look at it tomorrow.
Connect this one to the one from the
roof
and we should...
...get a picture.
Right. Over the top we go!
Now look here.
As a officer of His Majesty's
Armed Forces...
...it is my duty to inform you that
you are considered an enemy
insurgent
and you should surrender your
territories to incumbent forces
- with immediate effect...
- # La-la-la-la-la-la... #
...or face the prospect... OK.
Very good. I see what you're doing.
# La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la... #
Two can play at that game!
Ah!
# I am the very model
of a modern Major-General
# I've information vegeta...
# ...ble, animal and mineral
# I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical
# From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical! #
You can run, but you can't...
Hello to you.
Hello! And welcome!
On behalf of me and my fellow
dead people, may I just say...
Oh, straight onto the tour, OK!
On your left is the Master's
chamber,
or "chambre" - that's French.
Wait!
You beautiful girl.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Up next, Hitler's
Secret Superweapons.
Oh, good Chr... I mean, it's
Christmas, it's Christmas morning!
Alison?
Aly?
What the bally hell
do you think you're doing, sir?
What have you done with the tanks?
You turn that back on this
instant...
Where are you going?
If you were dead,
I would thrash your bottom, sir!
And there's been a settlement
on this site for well over...
Boo! ...well, a while now, although
this part
of the building is only...
You're not real.
Well, we're not alive, but we
are... I can't hear you.
Well, clearly you can, because...
No, I can't.
Well, it's just... you
keep answering me...
No, I don't.
...so why...?
My turn?
Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's
next.
Get out my way,
you soppy bit o' rag.
Good luck.
Although she's not much of a one
for chitchat.
Oh, don't you worries about me.
I've got something up my sleeves.
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out...
Boo!
Oh, my...!
Boo!
Yes, to replace the boiler.
So it needs amending. My entry.
To reflect my political
achievements.
What did you say, sorry?
There's plenty who've done worse
than I did, believe you me.
My phone number...
The MP for Watney got horses
involved.
- 0-7-9...
Yeah, that's plural!
0-7-9... Horses! It was the shire
ones as well. Sorry, 0-7...
You know, the ones with the
flares? Can I call you back?
A lady employs a knife AND fork.
A lady pinches. Whores use rouge.
A lady does not hold a carrot like
that.
A lady wouldn't tell me
to do that to myself!
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out.
Get out, get out, get out, get
out...
..get out, get out, get out, get
out... No better?
..get out, get out, get out, get
out, get out, get out, get out...
Just give it till morning.
I'm sure it'll pass.
...get out, get out, get out,
get out.
# I...
# ...am the very model of
a modern Major-General
# I've information vegetable
animal and mineral
# I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical
# From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical! #
Oh, God.
Boo!
Agh!
I don't even feel the cold!
I am a strong, sane woman.
He'd crafted it from a rubber glove
and was using the gravy as
lubricant.
Challenges only make me stronger.
And you can imagine the jokes
about "the Chancellor's red box".
And then there was this Liberal
fellow, well, you can imagine what
he got up to.
He was caught in a sailors' sauna,
and he was not there
to learn about boats.
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
Get out!
Oh!
Alone at last.
Alison!
Oh, God!
A moment, please, I beg of you.
You're in my head.
And you in mine, my sweet!
What are we doing?
You're married, I'm dead -
it can never work.
Can it? Maybe it can.
Like Romeo And Juliet,
but specifically the bit
where he's already dead
and she kills herself
to be with him?
I am too bold. Forgive me.
Accurse my impetuous loins!
You're not yet free of that
buffle-headed bobtail.
I'll wait for you, my comely nug.
Though some idea of timescale would
be...
Oh!
No, I understand,
this is all happening so fast.
I can wait!
Lord knows I've had the practice.
Come on, man!
I'm trying!
Well, try harder, man!
You! I demand you reactivate this
device with immediate effect!
Any joy with the people from
Goggle? Me again!
Today I thought we could do halls
and common passageways.
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out.
Darling! There you are.
Ohh...
Now, I know I said no pressure,
but... None of it is real.
None of it is real.
A lady doesn't mumble. Ohh!
Boo!
Don't suppose you've seen a body
anywhere?
Is that a no?
Will you be my friend?
Agh!
Do you think it's something we said?
And press the hilt of the
venturi... What is a venturi?
...into the domed brass union.
What's a union?!
Don't panic. It takes
maybe ten, 20 seconds.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, that's bad.
Mike!
Jesus, you scared me!
It's no good, OK, I need to go
and get some...
Holy Mary Mother of God!
Oh, my God.
What's wrong?
"What's wrong"?!
The room is full of zombies!
Donkeys?
Honey, I promise you it isn't.
Then I have to go back to the
hospital and get some drugs
or some therapy or a bang on the
other side of my head,
or whatever it takes to stop me from
seeing the cast of
The Night Of The Dead every single
time I walk into a room!
It's Night Of The Living De...
Not now.
I can't go on like this, OK?
So you either drive me to the
hospital right now, or I drive
myself.
And I see things
that aren't there!
Well, we are.
I'll get my keys.
Ohh. Red lever.
Red lever!
Red lever!
Red lever!
Red lever!
What now? Aly?!
What's wrong?
Red lever!
Red lever?
Oh! On it!
Oh, what?
How did you know about the red...?
Maybe we should go.
Yeah, yeah, we're going.
No, no, no, I mean away from here.
Just move out.
It just doesn't feel right.
What? Why would you say that?
It's hard to put my finger on.
All right. Just... one thing at a
time, yeah? We'll talk about this
later.
Ooh! Electric windows!
Get out of here!
OK, OK!
I say.
Well, fascinating.
But you don't see them now, do you?
Not since we left the house.
Maybe I'm on the mend!
Mmm.
Yes, I know how loans work.
Sort of.
As I've said before, sir...
But surely if we just give you
the money back, then...
...we cannot end the agreement
now. Yes.
Do you see?
Yes, I see.
Do you think it was related
to the accident?
Oh, yes, undoubtedly.
Oh, good.
So it should just... stop happening,
as I heal?
Well, my diagnosis -
based on what you've told me -
is that your accident left you
so close to death yourself,
you're now able to see dead people.
What do you mean?
Well...
can you see me?
Yes.
Exactly.
I'm dead.
So sorry to have kept you.
Oh, she's very good.
Ohh!
What can I do for you?
All right, listen to what I'm...
Wait.
The doctor's dead!
I just...
I don't understand. If it's come
back, why not accept the sedatives?
I mean, they might help with...
Because...
back at the house
I see the same faces every day.
But at the hospital -
completely different ones.
Different places, different faces.
Why would my brain do that?
OK, that is...
It wouldn't.
Because they're not in here.
They're out there.
Right, we're selling up.
We'll buy a little new-build.
One of those soulless little boxes
that I've always hated.
One bed's fine. Just somewhere with
absolutely no past whatsoever.
Right. Yeah.
It's just...
OK, well...
I don't want you to get mad.
Am I going to get mad?
Yes. I spoke to the loan people and,
with the prepayment penalties and...
Well, long story short,
getting out now
would probably bankrupt us.
And I only added "probably"
to make it sound better.
Didn't you read the contracts?!
I gave them what I'd call
a lengthy skim.
Oh, Mike, I could kill you!
Ooh! Good idea!
Though maybe not here,
just because he might...
Right!
Well, there's only one thing for it,
isn't there?
Fine! I see you! OK?!
I see Major-General Can't-Sing,
I see Captain Cave-Prick,
I see all of you!
OK? You win!
Mission accomplished!
I admit your existence.
Now what the hell do you want?!
We want you out of this house!
Yes, you do not belong here!
Well, that's tough, isn't it?
Because thanks to
my resident mortgage advisor,
we're stuck here!
OK, you're officially
freaking me out.
So how about you leave?
We can't leave. You sort of just
stays where you dies.
And how you dies... died!
It's your classic haunted house.
Er, Alison...
Whoa. Right.
So I can't go and you can't go.
So...
what will it take to get you all
just out of my face, huh?
What do you want?
What do you actually want?!
Specifically! You?
Right! I'll tell you what we want.
We demand that...
One hour a week of the thing about
tanks
and anything on superweapons,
please? Thank you.
Done! Next. It feels like I should
call someone?
Who you gonna call?!
You, Sourpuss.
Remove my husband's portrait,
and fill the hole in my wall!
Done. You? Divorce him,
kill yourself, marry me.
No. To which bit?
You? I just wanted to say hello!!
Hello!
Oh, hello.
And on behalf of myself
and my fellow ghosts...
Listen. I want those slanderous
beggars at Goggle
to amend my entry for the next
edition. I am a respectable...
It doesn't work like that -
it's the internet.
Right. And where are they based?
It's everywhere. In every house in
the country, in the world.
You mean every person on the planet
just thinks of me as the weirdo MP
who died in some sex scandal?
That was you?!
What? No!
I don't want anything, actually.
Who's next?
Renounce Satan, witch!
Um... OK!
Yeah, yeah, that's probably done it.
And what about you, Budget Tarzan?
What do you want?
Oh, nuffin', thanks.
Nothing?
So you just spent...
So you just spent the last three
days
hiding in every little tiny little
dark corner in this entire house,
scaring me out of my mind,
for no reason?!
Well, it was something to do.
My turn! I think we've got
a lot in common.
OK, so I've just googled "psychotic
break"
and I'm not saying that this is one,
but there is an article
that I think you should have a...
Mike, this isn't...
Can you just come with me?
All of you!
Where are you going?
To shut you all up.
Horsey to go dooka-dakka-deeko.
Dooka-dakka-deeko.
OK, you go.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's
day?
Even more softly.
When's our sleepover again?
Eighth of March.
And what is it now?
June.
Oh! So exciting!
How long's this on for?
I need to contact this Vicky Pedia.
Shh! Shh!
Er, well played.
Perhaps there is some Button blood
in those veins after all.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not sure I buy all this,
but I've moved the painting.
And bricked up the hole?
Yeah, I... filled... the hole.
Argh!
Oh, this will NOT stand!
Well, you seem happier.
The good news is I'm not mad.
That's a relief.
What's the bad news?
They are.
Alison!
Turn the right-hand dial
horizontal.
And press the ignition.
Hey!
OK.
I believe you.
And, er...
...thank you?
They say you're welcome.
"They"?
You mean there's two of them?!
Yes.
Testing!
Well, that seems pretty conclusive.
She can also hear us.
Clear!
This room gonna get some DIY!
DIY!
What is this impudence?!
This is my room, do you hear me?
My room!
What sort of heathen just barges in
on a lady while she's sleeping?
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
What on earth is going on?
# Daddy gonna drill
a hole in the wall... #
Daddy is not drilling any holes in
any...
This is beyond the pale!
No. What are you do...?
Oh, you have got to be joking.
Mike!
Er...
Oh! This looks fun!
I'm going to call it the smile hole.
Hello, Lady Button! Morning!
Mike!
No, no, no! You can't just leave it
like this. Where are you going? You
can't just...
So, what's your favourite morning
song?
I think mine is...
# There's a lark in the bushel
at the corner of the... #
Mike!
Er...
They're back!
Who?
Them!
Er...
Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen.
It is unseemly for a lady to...
Him! Cover that up at once.
You beastly wretch!
I refuse to be taunted in my own
home by that lying, cheating...
Ex-husband. You know how it is.
Oh, we're the same height!
Do you need a tea?
Lady coming through!
What's your favourite colour?
Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do
that! Aly!
There's a cave one and there's an
Army one and there's one with no
pants on...
And a first from Cambridge!
And a first from Cambridge!
OK, OK.
I know it may seem very real, but
remember what they said at the
hospital, yeah?
"May experience visual
disturbances."
But I can hear them too.
And my Uncle Graeme,
he thought he could smell toast,
but you know what?
There was no toast.
He was having a stroke!
He died, Mike.
OK, bad example.
I'm just saying, think about it -
what's more likely,
that you can see ghosts, or that
you're still suffering from severe
concussion?
Ghosts.
Concussion.
Exactly. You don't just...
Robin, you've been here a while.
Have you ever seen
anything like this before?
One time, yes.
But was a bear.
Bear was like, "Raargh!"
and I'm like, "Argh!"
and then he like, "Ooh, hurr, hurr!"
And I'm like...
"Woo!" And the bear's like...
You had to be there.
Rare, then.
Or magic?
Black magic.
Perhaps she's just special.
Indeed she is. And you'll be back
to your old self in no time.
Just give it a few days, yeah?
OK.
OK? Yep.
So, Mike, what are you up to?
Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff
that we can't live without.
So like heating and hot
water and... TV.
But the boiler's next on the list!
After that.
Are you sure you know what you're
doing?
No. But Google does,
so we're golden.
Wowee.
That's quite the encyclopaedia.
It's gotta be, what, two CD-ROMs,
min.
It's all under control here,
so why don't you go and relax?
Have yourself a nice war... tepid
bath.
I'd like that.
One of them just said what I said.
See? It's all in your head.
Just give it a few days, yeah?
Now go on - bath.
Clearly, this changes things.
By some quirk of fate, it would seem
the new Lady Button...
She's no lady, and no Button.
Well, whoever she is,
she can now both see and hear us,
which opens up
some intriguing possibilities -
chiefly the potential
for a full-frontal assault.
Order them to leave. Face-to-face.
Yes!
Well, conversings with the dead
be witchcraft.
People been burned at the stake for
less.
Except of course she isn't
truly conversing, is she?
She may give ear to my overtures,
but, alas, she is yet to respond...
to any of us.
She spoke to me.
What? No, she did not.
Did. Said...
Aaargh!
I don't think that's a word,
Robin. No.
'Tis. I had cousin,
that's all he said.
She's not conversing because
Mr Sledgehammer up there has
convinced her
we are just figments
of her imagination,
which is why we need
a change of tactics.
We work in shifts.
Campaign of attrition.
Guerrilla war.
Gorilla always win.
Why is it always about war with you?
Well...
What's wrong with a nice 'hello'?
Maybe show them around.
Then we could all sit down
and have a nice friendly chat
about this whole hotel business.
It is nice to be friendly.
Ideally more than friendly.
Befriended by you lot?
I can't think of anything more
annoying.
In fact, you know what?
Do that! Yeah, good plan.
That'll send them running.
Perhaps I should handle
the negotiations.
Huh?
Well, I did, after all,
resolve the Arabian crisis of '91.
What, you stopped a war?
No, I stopped a crisis.
By starting a war, as it happens,
but, you know, that's not the point.
The point is, I was lead envoy
in the negotiations.
Utter toffee.
You couldn't negotiate your way
out of a corn maze.
How dare you!
I'm a respected politician
and diplomat,
and I will not have my credentials
called into question
by some work-shy Bohemian.
That treaty was my legacy.
Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny.
Fine!
I'll prove it to you! Mmm. Yeah.
Ho-ho! You'll see.
Imagine that slammed!
# Daddy's gonna give it
some DIY, DIY... #
Right. I'll show them.
That's better.
No, no, no, no, no - that's worse!
This is awful!
I shall write to the owners.
But where's my quill?
Maybe I left it... downstairs.
Oh, brick it up, you oaf.
I refuse to spend eternity
in the company of a halfwit.
I thought we were friends!
Friends
are peers and intellectual equals,
Kitty.
We are neither.
Fine!
Then I'm not letting you go in my
canoe.
I just...
Right, then.
Old boiler.
This'll learn those berks.
Hmm.
Huh.
There's nothing to be scared of.
# Daddy gonna fix
the boiler now... #
Hmm.
# YouTube gonna show Daddy how... #
Ooh!
Come on!
Ugh!
Oh, it's not playing ball, is it?
What's he doing?
Oh, no, Daddy.
No, you need to prime the inlet
pump, open the induction loop,
repressurise the system,
then connect the gas feed,
and then ignite the...
Or just hit it with a hammer.
Unbelievable.
Technophobe.
Yeah.
Right. It's going to take a
sustained assault to grind her down,
so we'll take it in shifts.
I'll go first! We have a connection.
A frisson, if you will.
Maybe I should go first.
Let her know the lay of the land.
No. This is a military campaign,
and I'm not the sort to bring up
the rear.
No, I'll go first.
Urgh!
And then you, Pat,
and then Mary, and...
Good heavens. What on Earth is
that?
Ah, now, that is the front bit
of a television.
I don't know where the back bit is,
but that's the front!
Extraordinary.
Any luck with the boiler?
Nah, not really.
It's in a pretty bad way.
Looks like some idiot
has taken a hammer to it.
I'll have a look at it tomorrow.
Connect this one to the one from the
roof
and we should...
...get a picture.
Right. Over the top we go!
Now look here.
As a officer of His Majesty's
Armed Forces...
...it is my duty to inform you that
you are considered an enemy
insurgent
and you should surrender your
territories to incumbent forces
- with immediate effect...
- # La-la-la-la-la-la... #
...or face the prospect... OK.
Very good. I see what you're doing.
# La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la... #
Two can play at that game!
Ah!
# I am the very model
of a modern Major-General
# I've information vegeta...
# ...ble, animal and mineral
# I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical
# From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical! #
You can run, but you can't...
Hello to you.
Hello! And welcome!
On behalf of me and my fellow
dead people, may I just say...
Oh, straight onto the tour, OK!
On your left is the Master's
chamber,
or "chambre" - that's French.
Wait!
You beautiful girl.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Up next, Hitler's
Secret Superweapons.
Oh, good Chr... I mean, it's
Christmas, it's Christmas morning!
Alison?
Aly?
What the bally hell
do you think you're doing, sir?
What have you done with the tanks?
You turn that back on this
instant...
Where are you going?
If you were dead,
I would thrash your bottom, sir!
And there's been a settlement
on this site for well over...
Boo! ...well, a while now, although
this part
of the building is only...
You're not real.
Well, we're not alive, but we
are... I can't hear you.
Well, clearly you can, because...
No, I can't.
Well, it's just... you
keep answering me...
No, I don't.
...so why...?
My turn?
Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's
next.
Get out my way,
you soppy bit o' rag.
Good luck.
Although she's not much of a one
for chitchat.
Oh, don't you worries about me.
I've got something up my sleeves.
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out...
Boo!
Oh, my...!
Boo!
Yes, to replace the boiler.
So it needs amending. My entry.
To reflect my political
achievements.
What did you say, sorry?
There's plenty who've done worse
than I did, believe you me.
My phone number...
The MP for Watney got horses
involved.
- 0-7-9...
Yeah, that's plural!
0-7-9... Horses! It was the shire
ones as well. Sorry, 0-7...
You know, the ones with the
flares? Can I call you back?
A lady employs a knife AND fork.
A lady pinches. Whores use rouge.
A lady does not hold a carrot like
that.
A lady wouldn't tell me
to do that to myself!
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out.
Get out, get out, get out, get
out...
..get out, get out, get out, get
out... No better?
..get out, get out, get out, get
out, get out, get out, get out...
Just give it till morning.
I'm sure it'll pass.
...get out, get out, get out,
get out.
# I...
# ...am the very model of
a modern Major-General
# I've information vegetable
animal and mineral
# I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical
# From Marathon to Waterloo
in order categorical! #
Oh, God.
Boo!
Agh!
I don't even feel the cold!
I am a strong, sane woman.
He'd crafted it from a rubber glove
and was using the gravy as
lubricant.
Challenges only make me stronger.
And you can imagine the jokes
about "the Chancellor's red box".
And then there was this Liberal
fellow, well, you can imagine what
he got up to.
He was caught in a sailors' sauna,
and he was not there
to learn about boats.
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
Get out!
Oh!
Alone at last.
Alison!
Oh, God!
A moment, please, I beg of you.
You're in my head.
And you in mine, my sweet!
What are we doing?
You're married, I'm dead -
it can never work.
Can it? Maybe it can.
Like Romeo And Juliet,
but specifically the bit
where he's already dead
and she kills herself
to be with him?
I am too bold. Forgive me.
Accurse my impetuous loins!
You're not yet free of that
buffle-headed bobtail.
I'll wait for you, my comely nug.
Though some idea of timescale would
be...
Oh!
No, I understand,
this is all happening so fast.
I can wait!
Lord knows I've had the practice.
Come on, man!
I'm trying!
Well, try harder, man!
You! I demand you reactivate this
device with immediate effect!
Any joy with the people from
Goggle? Me again!
Today I thought we could do halls
and common passageways.
Get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out.
Darling! There you are.
Ohh...
Now, I know I said no pressure,
but... None of it is real.
None of it is real.
A lady doesn't mumble. Ohh!
Boo!
Don't suppose you've seen a body
anywhere?
Is that a no?
Will you be my friend?
Agh!
Do you think it's something we said?
And press the hilt of the
venturi... What is a venturi?
...into the domed brass union.
What's a union?!
Don't panic. It takes
maybe ten, 20 seconds.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, that's bad.
Mike!
Jesus, you scared me!
It's no good, OK, I need to go
and get some...
Holy Mary Mother of God!
Oh, my God.
What's wrong?
"What's wrong"?!
The room is full of zombies!
Donkeys?
Honey, I promise you it isn't.
Then I have to go back to the
hospital and get some drugs
or some therapy or a bang on the
other side of my head,
or whatever it takes to stop me from
seeing the cast of
The Night Of The Dead every single
time I walk into a room!
It's Night Of The Living De...
Not now.
I can't go on like this, OK?
So you either drive me to the
hospital right now, or I drive
myself.
And I see things
that aren't there!
Well, we are.
I'll get my keys.
Ohh. Red lever.
Red lever!
Red lever!
Red lever!
Red lever!
What now? Aly?!
What's wrong?
Red lever!
Red lever?
Oh! On it!
Oh, what?
How did you know about the red...?
Maybe we should go.
Yeah, yeah, we're going.
No, no, no, I mean away from here.
Just move out.
It just doesn't feel right.
What? Why would you say that?
It's hard to put my finger on.
All right. Just... one thing at a
time, yeah? We'll talk about this
later.
Ooh! Electric windows!
Get out of here!
OK, OK!
I say.
Well, fascinating.
But you don't see them now, do you?
Not since we left the house.
Maybe I'm on the mend!
Mmm.
Yes, I know how loans work.
Sort of.
As I've said before, sir...
But surely if we just give you
the money back, then...
...we cannot end the agreement
now. Yes.
Do you see?
Yes, I see.
Do you think it was related
to the accident?
Oh, yes, undoubtedly.
Oh, good.
So it should just... stop happening,
as I heal?
Well, my diagnosis -
based on what you've told me -
is that your accident left you
so close to death yourself,
you're now able to see dead people.
What do you mean?
Well...
can you see me?
Yes.
Exactly.
I'm dead.
So sorry to have kept you.
Oh, she's very good.
Ohh!
What can I do for you?
All right, listen to what I'm...
Wait.
The doctor's dead!
I just...
I don't understand. If it's come
back, why not accept the sedatives?
I mean, they might help with...
Because...
back at the house
I see the same faces every day.
But at the hospital -
completely different ones.
Different places, different faces.
Why would my brain do that?
OK, that is...
It wouldn't.
Because they're not in here.
They're out there.
Right, we're selling up.
We'll buy a little new-build.
One of those soulless little boxes
that I've always hated.
One bed's fine. Just somewhere with
absolutely no past whatsoever.
Right. Yeah.
It's just...
OK, well...
I don't want you to get mad.
Am I going to get mad?
Yes. I spoke to the loan people and,
with the prepayment penalties and...
Well, long story short,
getting out now
would probably bankrupt us.
And I only added "probably"
to make it sound better.
Didn't you read the contracts?!
I gave them what I'd call
a lengthy skim.
Oh, Mike, I could kill you!
Ooh! Good idea!
Though maybe not here,
just because he might...
Right!
Well, there's only one thing for it,
isn't there?
Fine! I see you! OK?!
I see Major-General Can't-Sing,
I see Captain Cave-Prick,
I see all of you!
OK? You win!
Mission accomplished!
I admit your existence.
Now what the hell do you want?!
We want you out of this house!
Yes, you do not belong here!
Well, that's tough, isn't it?
Because thanks to
my resident mortgage advisor,
we're stuck here!
OK, you're officially
freaking me out.
So how about you leave?
We can't leave. You sort of just
stays where you dies.
And how you dies... died!
It's your classic haunted house.
Er, Alison...
Whoa. Right.
So I can't go and you can't go.
So...
what will it take to get you all
just out of my face, huh?
What do you want?
What do you actually want?!
Specifically! You?
Right! I'll tell you what we want.
We demand that...
One hour a week of the thing about
tanks
and anything on superweapons,
please? Thank you.
Done! Next. It feels like I should
call someone?
Who you gonna call?!
You, Sourpuss.
Remove my husband's portrait,
and fill the hole in my wall!
Done. You? Divorce him,
kill yourself, marry me.
No. To which bit?
You? I just wanted to say hello!!
Hello!
Oh, hello.
And on behalf of myself
and my fellow ghosts...
Listen. I want those slanderous
beggars at Goggle
to amend my entry for the next
edition. I am a respectable...
It doesn't work like that -
it's the internet.
Right. And where are they based?
It's everywhere. In every house in
the country, in the world.
You mean every person on the planet
just thinks of me as the weirdo MP
who died in some sex scandal?
That was you?!
What? No!
I don't want anything, actually.
Who's next?
Renounce Satan, witch!
Um... OK!
Yeah, yeah, that's probably done it.
And what about you, Budget Tarzan?
What do you want?
Oh, nuffin', thanks.
Nothing?
So you just spent...
So you just spent the last three
days
hiding in every little tiny little
dark corner in this entire house,
scaring me out of my mind,
for no reason?!
Well, it was something to do.
My turn! I think we've got
a lot in common.
OK, so I've just googled "psychotic
break"
and I'm not saying that this is one,
but there is an article
that I think you should have a...
Mike, this isn't...
Can you just come with me?
All of you!
Where are you going?
To shut you all up.
Horsey to go dooka-dakka-deeko.
Dooka-dakka-deeko.
OK, you go.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's
day?
Even more softly.
When's our sleepover again?
Eighth of March.
And what is it now?
June.
Oh! So exciting!
How long's this on for?
I need to contact this Vicky Pedia.
Shh! Shh!
Er, well played.
Perhaps there is some Button blood
in those veins after all.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not sure I buy all this,
but I've moved the painting.
And bricked up the hole?
Yeah, I... filled... the hole.
Argh!
Oh, this will NOT stand!
Well, you seem happier.
The good news is I'm not mad.
That's a relief.
What's the bad news?
They are.
Alison!
Turn the right-hand dial
horizontal.
And press the ignition.
Hey!
OK.
I believe you.
And, er...
...thank you?
They say you're welcome.
"They"?
You mean there's two of them?!
Yes.