Ghost Whisperer (2005–2010): Season 1, Episode 12 - Undead Comic - full transcript

My name is Melinda Gordon.

I just got married, just
moved to a small town,

just opened up an antique shop.

I might be just like you.

Except from the time that I was a little
girl, I knew that I could talk to the dead.

It's all right, honey.

Earthbound spirits, my
grandmother called them,

the ones who have
not crossed over

because they have unfinished
business with the living.

And they come to me for help.

To tell you my story, I
have to tell you theirs.



No. I... I can't. I can't do it.

Yes, you can. You're gonna
be fine when you get out there.

I won't. I am a coward. I
don't know how I missed that.

Will you stop it? You are
the bravest woman I know.

Now, take a deep breath.

A better one.

Now, let's go out there.

Welcome to the Comedy Cave.

Okay, okay. Can you
just quiet down a minute?

All right, all
right, settle down.

I need to get
everybody's attention.

Uh, before we open
the mike tonight,

I have a little
announcement to make.

After 28 long years,
the club will be closing.



See, truth is, I lost my lease.

They want us out of
here. It's time to move on.

Can't believe this.

But before we do,
we are gonna part-ay.

That's right. Every night
for the next two weeks,

we are gonna celebrate
the Comedy Cave

and some of the biggest
comics in the business today.

Yep. They will all be
back to say goodbye.

It's Louie Kleinman,
the Santander twins,

and on the 15th and the
16th, Sandra Holloway.

But now let's get down
to the business at hand.

It is cold. It's rainy outside.
Must be open mike night.

Yeah!

Anyway, here we go.
First up, Mr. Bryce Avalon.

Thank you, thank you.

Greetings, everybody. All right.

Yesterday, I was in my basement,

and I was eatin' a
can of spaghetti...

Ah!

Francie, what's wrong with
the mike? Why the mike so loud?

Where'd you get
the mike from? Hell?

What, was there a special on
electronics in hell or somethin'?

Andrea, tonight's
not your night.

What? There's a really
nasty ghost up there.

What are you talking about?

I'm next.

Look, just go to
the restroom, okay?

And... and fake stage
fright or something.

Trust me, you do not
want to go up there.

Oh, okay.

That's what y'all do now,
Francie? Is that how it is?

What happened to a hook
or a horn or somethin'?

Hey, Francie, I think I really
need some first aid up here.

It's okay, just keep
drinking. I'll... I'll figure it out.

How many people'll be willing to
testify he set his own hand on fire?

Andrea?

I went out for a walk.

Oh! Melinda?

Is the coast clear?

Uh, no.

Can you see us?

Uh, I'm gonna
keep the best stuff.

Actually, uh, Andy Kaufman
left a sleeping bag there.

What? Yeah.

But I... But I'm sure some
of this stuff is worth selling.

I... I have bar glasses, I have
CDs, I have signed photos.

This stuff is great. I mean,
we've never had anything like it.

But are you sure that
you want to sell it?

There's so many memories here.

Well, memories are very
romantic when you're young.

When you're my age, they're like
needles that stick into your heart.

So, I'd rather take the cash.

So whatever you get,
I'll split it with you 50-50.

Wow. You have mentored
so many people, Francie.

Yeah.

Hmm. There's a lot of history
in that little club of mine.

You know, Melinda
thinks the club is haunted.

Oh, I do not. I...

Haunted. That's
a very strong word.

Yes, it is. Haunted.

Really?

That's what people say.
Monday nights the club is closed.

And our cleaning guy
swears that they come in,

they rearrange the tables,
and they do their own show.

But I'm no fool.

Being haunted, very
good for business.

All right, girls. Let me know
how you do with this stuff.

Thank you. Thanks.

I'll walk you out.

Boy, she's a
character, isn't she?

Hey, have you seen my keys?

I swear I put them
up here on the desk.

Coat pocket?

Huh. Behold your keys.

Am I imagining it, or are they
defying the laws of physics?

Andrea has nerves of steel.

I mean, I can't imagine anything
scarier than having to get up

in front of a bunch of people and
make 'em laugh. Could you do that?

Me? No.

Heck, I was Linus in our
third grade production of

You're a Good
Man, Charlie Brown,

and I almost threw up on Snoopy.

Wow!

That's not about our
third grade play, now, is it?

We're turning a profit.

The... the store is
turning a profit. Really?

Congratulations. Yes!

It's right there in
black and white.

We should celebrate. My treat.

Congratulations.

Oh, I have to call Andrea.
She is going to freak.

All right.

So, you know, I mean, I
was just thinkin' ahead here,

but, you know, maybe
we should expand.

Oh, Andrea, it's one month's
profit. We're not Wal-Mart yet.

That's it. We should franchise.

Okay. I'm gonna
go out on a limb here

and say that that
was ghost-related.

That's not funny.
I wasn't joking.

Not you. Him. You are messing
with the wrong person, pal.

Can't we just ignore this
guy and maybe he'll go away?

That's always my first
plan. It never works.

Well, where did he come from?

My guess is he's attached to one
of these things at the comedy club.

He was in my house last
night. Rearranged my furniture.

Really! How'd it look?

Not bad, except for the arm
chair balancing on the coffee table.

So, how do we
get rid of this joker?

I guess he'll eventually
get bored and show himself.

Okay.

Melinda, I, uh, think
you'd better see this.

I hate this guy.

I think it's time to
pay Francie a visit.

Mondays.

When? Where? I'm going to...

How about short and fat?

So, I was at a party
the other night, right?

I ask this girl for
her phone number

and she said, uh, well, how did
she phrase it? Oh, yeah, "No."

We don't serve your
kind here, honey.

What are you all doing here?

How come you can see us?

Just lucky, I guess.

Why haven't you
all crossed over?

We like it in front of the light.
Who knows what's behind it?

Besides, they
love us here, right?

Oh, being dead. Is it just me,
or do your clothes fit better?

Death agrees with me.

Next my wife asks me to take out
the garbage, I got a real good excuse.

Sorry, honey, rigor mortis.

Oh, okay, please stop.
I'm looking for someone.

Uh, he's one of
you, a comic, I guess.

Oh, well, that really
narrows it down.

H-He's 28. Um, really
into practical jokes.

And tennis and long
walks on the beach.

Shut up, Bob. What
does he look like?

I haven't really seen him.
Just a... a flash. Dark hair.

Um, he haunts the
club when it's open.

Uh, Marty. Marty Golden.

Oh, right! I remember him.

Oh, yeah. Marty.
Yeah, very conceptual.

Always took things
to the next level.

Yeah. Remember the night when he
made the audience wear oxygen masks?

Told 'em there was gonna
be a big chemical attack?

He was unique, that's for sure.

What happened to him?

The kid had problems.
He couldn't get arrested.

And he... he was great.
He had a tremendous talent.

Very original, but that doesn't
always mean you're gonna make it.

Anyway, to make
a long story short...

Too late. Yes, Dan.

Just 'cause we have
all eternity doesn't mean

we want to spend it
listenin' to this story.

Yeah, well, go take a
shower, and I'll finish.

Anyway, one night he
walks out of the club.

He was really down, depressed,
feelin' sorry for himself.

And?

That's it. We never
saw him again.

Yeah. He must've
signed with my agent.

Oh. Right.

Well, thank you for your help.

Remember, folks, be
good to your waiters tonight.

And I'll be here every Monday.

So she says to me,

"Marty, you've got to
look at the big picture.

"In a hundred years, none of this
will matter, and we'll all be dead."

All new people.
Isn't it beautiful?

So I fired her. What,
are you kidding me?

I don't need to take that
kind of crap from a therapist.

I mean, really. That's
what we pay 'em for, right?

Subsidized denial.

But you know, she's right.

I mean, let's face it,

we're all gonna die.

Oh, yeah. Sure, we are. Yeah.

You're gonna die,
And you're gonna die.

You're gonna die.

You're gonna die. And
you, sir, in the back,

stuffing your face with the
cheeseburger, are going to die.

Yeah, let's... let's
just say it all together.

Ready? Okay.

I'm gonna die!

Die! Die!

Am I dead?

I asked you a question.

Am I dead?

Um, very.

And what's with all the water?

I mean, the fish
tank, the restroom?

My floor.

I don't know. I
can't figure it out.

One minute, I'm dying figuratively
at the club, and the next...

What's the last
thing you remember?

It's hard to say. Hmm.

I remember feeling hopeful.

But also something really bad.

Like, the thing is, usually,

when I see spirits,
they look normal.

So, what are you sayin'?
I look as bad as I feel?

I'm telling you that when a spirit
comes to me looking like you do,

it usually means that they've
had a sudden or very violent death.

Which is also why
you don't remember.

So, what do I do?

Well, you're in the
wrong place now.

You need to cross over.

Oh, yeah. My agent
said the same thing,

but I never needed
to appeal to everyone.

I meant cross over
to the other side.

Look.

This all feels like a
really big mistake. Okay?

Now, I have to find out
what happened to me.

Will you help me?

♪

Oh! Sorry.

Oh! The door was open, so...

No, it's all right. Come on in.

Um, I just wanted to talk to you
about a CD that I listened to last night.

It really made me laugh.

Well, good. Who was it?

Marty Golden.

Yeah.

He's kind of a sore
subject around here. Oh.

How come?

Well...

You know, Marty, uh, Marty
was the real deal. An original.

Very complicated guy.

You either loved
him or you hated him.

And you? Do you
love him or hate him?

I guess it kind of
depended on the day.

Couldn't do either
one for too long.

He, uh, he came to
the club one night,

he left, and no one
ever saw him again.

Just about destroyed anybody
who ever cared about him.

And I'm not talking
about mommy or daddy,

because they'd written
him off years ago.

I'm talkin' about
his real family, here.

Especially Sandra.

Poor kid.

Sandra?

I really, uh...

I can't talk about
this right now.

I, uh, I have this mountain of paperwork
I have to get to my accountant, so...

Okay.

So, does Marty know
you've seen Francie?

Marty hasn't really
come around today,

but Francie said
when he disappeared,

his friend Sandra
took it the hardest.

Hmm. Um, Sandra
Holloway? Have you seen her?

Yeah, yeah. She was on Letterman
a couple of weeks ago. She's funny.

She's performing at the Comedy
Cave next weekend. You wanna go?

Yeah. And I'll
spring for that one.

Oh, no need. We're
practically rolling in it.

Look, how much money,
exactly, are we talkin' about?

I'm thinkin' of
havin' it framed.

Oh, really? Wow.

Check the comma where
the decimal point usually goes.

Wow.

I'm proud of you. I give it up.

Yeah, well, who's your mama now?

So, I'm walkin' down
the street the other day,

and I see this guy,
and he's wearing

capri pants for men.

The dude was a mansaster.

Man-pris.

I'm trying to be original,
thank you very much.

God, everybody's a critic.

Hey, so, was Jim excited that we're
finally makin' some money around here?

Yeah. He was
happy. A little weird.

Oh, you think it bothers him?

Jim? No way. He's
too evolved for that.

Right. Most men are.

She's funny.

What?

She's good. She
could slow down a little.

Who's here?

Speaking of critics...

Huh. Is this our friend Marty

who thinks it's funny
to break glasses?

One and the same.

Have fun.

You know,

you look better.

Why, thank you.
I've been dieting.

I feel better. Well, it happens.

Once you start to
interact with this world,

you start to look a
little bit like your old self.

Do you remember Sandra?

Sandra Holloway?

Sandra.

Wow.

Yeah, I do.

You loved her, didn't you?

Let's just say we understood
each other very well.

She's gonna be here tomorrow.

She's performing
at the Comedy Cave.

What really happened?

I don't remember, exactly,

but it feels like a lot of pain.

Do you want me to
help you talk to her?

Talk to her? You would do that?

Will that help you move on?

What if I did
something bad to her?

If you really want to know
what happened to you...

Will you...

Will you go see her first?

Are you sure this is
where she'd be staying?

This is usually where comics
crash when they come to town.

I don't know. Maybe
this is a bad idea.

Well, you stay
here, and I'll go up.

That's her.

I always wanted
to make her laugh.

It was the hardest
damn thing to do.

W-Where's she goin'?

Uh, let's find out.

What's she doing?

Here's to you, baby.

What?

This is where it happened.

This is where I killed myself.

I remember being here.

On this bridge.

This is where it happened.

This is where I killed myself.

I knew the minute I stepped
off that I made a mistake.

And in that moment, I...

I felt so alive.

I felt everything.

I couldn't help but appreciate
the irony, you know?

All this time and effort to try and
feel nothing, to make myself numb,

but in those last seconds,

I felt it all. Realized

I loved it.

And then I couldn't believe I was
about to feel nothing ever again.

My heart broke into
a hundred pieces

before the water
ever stopped it.

And a 9.5, 9.6,

and from the French judge,
he gives old Marty a 7.5.

Why?

Why did you do this to yourself?

I don't know.

You don't suppose I
can undo it, do you?

I wish we all could, but
we only get one shot.

You have to figure out
why you did this to yourself.

You'll never have
any peace if you don't.

So, I, um, I made a decision.

Please tell me that it's
not to put your end down.

No. I'm gonna give
open mike another shot.

I'm gonna go see Francie tonight

and see if she'll give
me another chance.

Oh, that's a great idea. Hey, you
know what? When you see Francie,

can you get her to tell you
more about Marty and Sandra?

'Cause I kinda
hit a wall with her.

Yeah, I'll try. I'm actually
really curious myself.

Oh. Uh, ask and
you shall receive.

Hi. Hi.

I was told you're selling the Comedy
Cave stuff, Marty Golden CDs, posters...

Yeah. It's on display over
there and some in the window.

Oh, great. I'll take it all.

All?

Yes. Please.

That should cover it, you think?

I think! Yeah. Yes.

Please box it up for me. I'll have
someone come by and pick it up.

Uh...

Sandra Holloway bought it all?

Yeah.

She was really interested
in the Marty Golden items.

Hmm.

Here. Make yourself
useful. One on each table.

Okay.

So, what ever happened with
Marty and Sandra, anyway?

Well, she owes him a lot.

She knows it.

First time Sandra came in here,

she was like a deer
in the headlights.

Sandra always
had great material.

But she never had the nerve
to stand up there and go for it.

Her fear, her talent.

I think he saw some
of himself in her.

He wanted to help her the way
he couldn't seem to help himself.

For the last 15 minutes...

But after the first night he
pulled her up there, it all changed.

The crowd loved her.

And then she really took off.

They fed off each other, in the
best ways and in the worst ways.

They couldn't be
without each other.

They were like vampires in love,

live by night, sleep by day.

Then he disappeared.

No explanation
at all? Just gone?

Nada. They didn't find a
body or signs of anything.

She didn't leave her
apartment for two months.

Wow. Do you think she's still...

Oh, enough. Let's not talk
about it. How about you?

You ready to give
it another shot?

Yes. I... I am gonna sign
up for open mike next week.

Well, good! Don't punk
out on me this time.

I know.

Know what?

I know why I killed myself.

Europe. She left
me to go to Europe.

What are you talking about?

I couldn't get any traction.

I couldn't get out of that club.

Sandra started to get TV gigs.

And when I tried, they
said I didn't test well.

They said my material was too
cerebral for a young audience.

I was outraged.

Even after I looked up the
word "cerebral," I couldn't agree.

And that tour, it was gonna
turn it all around for her.

She was gonna become a star.

We'll never make it.

You know, I thought you
would kind of be happy for me.

We won't make it, Sandy.

We'll never last
that long apart.

You know what? If this were happening
to you, I would be cheering for you.

No. No. You wouldn't. You would be
afraid that I would never come back.

I have to do this. It's my
shot, and I have to take it.

It sounds to me like you
already made up your mind.

Well, Ma... Look, I'm not
leaving you. I'm just going away.

It's the same damn thing, right?

No.

Just the thought of
Sandra gone so long

and knowing that she'd be over there
with the best while I was stuck here.

You know, the guy
who doesn't test well.

How come nobody knows
what happened to you?

Now, that is a fitting
coda for my life.

Failed comedian makes
dramatic exit, but nobody notices.

Everybody noticed, Marty.

You broke their hearts.

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

How stupid.

Cerebral, my ass.

You have to make
it right with Sandra.

I mean, think about all that she's
been carrying around with her.

I'll help you.

I don't know that
I can face her yet.

Okay.

So let's start with Francie.

He wants to say thank you for
letting him sleep on your couch,

for giving him a chance,
for believing in him,

for never giving up on him.

I can't... I can't believe
this. He killed himself?

He wants you to
know that he's sorry.

He sees me?

Hears me?

How?

Everybody has a
talent. This is mine.

I never meant to hurt anyone,

least of all her.

He wants you to know that
he never meant to hurt anyone.

Is that right?

Then why the hell did you do it?

He wanted to hurt himself.

Bull, Marty. You hurt
yourself for two minutes.

You hurt the people who loved
you for the rest of their lives.

Is that what you wanted?
Are you happy now?

Look, I would take
it back if I could.

Do you know how many
people believed in you?

Do you know that
I... I loved you?

I loved you like my son.

Okay, please, just... Could you

ask her to stop?
I can't take it.

Is he still there? Yes.

And he knows that you're right.

And do you know
what you did to Sandra?

You shouldn't be
here crying to me.

You need... you need to let her
know that this was not her fault.

You need to set her free, pal.

She has lost a lot

that she will never,
ever get back.

He will.

You tell him I'm just too
angry to talk to him right now.

I miss him.

You tell him that I
will never forget him.

You just told him.

Well...

What is that? I... I feel...

He's hugging you.

Oh.

Oh, Marty.

We were family.

You don't leave your family.

Thank you! Good night
Grandview. Thank you!

Yes?

Sorry to bother you.

Uh, I just wanted to say that I
really enjoyed your performance.

You're the girl from the store.

Right. Melinda Gordon.

Come on in.

Don't tell her I'm here yet.
She'll never believe you.

You want something to
drink? MELINDA: No. Thanks.

Uh, I was also a... a fan
of Marty Golden's, too.

I... I know that
you two were close.

"Close."

That's a very interesting
way of putting it.

I'm sorry. It's none
of my business.

I'm glad somebody
remembers Marty.

You wanna know a secret?

It should've been
Marty who made it.

He was the real deal.

Compared to him,
I'm just a fraud.

If he were still here, if he were
still alive, it'd be him out there.

Not me.

So you're sure he's dead. How?

Because I feel dead, too.

Have ever since that night.

Do you think Marty killed himself
because you left to go on tour?

How do you know
he killed himself?

I... I just assumed.

Well, he didn't kill himself
because I went on tour.

He killed himself because
I wouldn't go on tour.

I don't understand.

I thought the tour was
supposed to be your big break.

That's what everyone
kept telling me.

Except the one guy I
needed to hear it from most.

I started
second-guessing myself.

Maybe Marty was right. Maybe
we couldn't survive the separation.

I didn't want to lose
him. Marty was struggling.

You stink!

He needed me more than ever.

And I'd have other
chances, other breaks.

But would I ever have
someone to love as much?

So I decided not
to take the tour.

And when I told him,

I thought that he'd be
happy or at least relieved.

But instead, he just
seemed defeated,

like he had taken
something from me.

I'll never forget how
tight he held me.

That was the last
time I ever saw him.

Then he jumped
off Driscoll bridge.

How did you know that?

What was it about that bridge?

Okay, you're
creeping me out now.

Are you, like, one of these
obsessed conspiracy people?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm remembering everything
now. I have to talk to her.

Marty saw that you
were gonna be a star.

And... and he felt like
he was pulling you down,

and then when you said that
you weren't gonna do the tour,

he thought he was ruining you.

Jumping off that bridge was
Marty's way of setting you free.

Okay, who the hell are you?

How do you know this?
How do you know Marty?

He's here with us right
now. He can hear you.

Get out.

Get out!

So, are you nervous
about tonight?

No! What? No. Nervous?
Why would I be nervous?

You jumping like that,
that was you not nervous?

Why aren't you at the club?

Look, I just...

I don't believe in any of
this crap about ghosts.

I just don't.

You and a million others.

Okay, I'm, uh, I'm
gonna... I'm gonna go home

and hyperventilate for a while,

then I'll see you at the club.

But if I did...

If I did believe that
Marty was here,

I would tell him how
stupid what he did was.

I've been living with this for
two years, feeling responsible,

like I took something
from the world.

It is not your fault.

You think I don't
know that? But I feel it.

My heart is wrecked, Marty!

I'm sorry. He's sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.

No. I'm sorrier.

Okay.

Ask her how she knew
I jumped off the bridge.

He wants to know how
you knew about the bridge.

Now I know you're lying.

Marty would know the answer to
that question. What am I doing here?

There's a lot that
Marty doesn't remember.

He's just trying to put
the pieces together.

Marty pulled me off that bridge

a long time ago.

He saved me when
I was at rock bottom.

After that, whenever either
one of us did anything bad

or needed to be forgiven,

we would go to that
bridge and wait for the other.

That's right. I remember.

I thought that he would be
waiting for me there that night.

But I was too late.

I found the bottle, and I knew that
he had done something bad to himself

and he did it off that bridge
so that I would forgive him.

He's sorry. He really is.

He just thought that you
would be better off without him.

Oh, well, you were wrong, Marty!

I loved you!

It wasn't exactly the
healthiest love in the world,

but we could've made it work.

He knows that he made a mistake.

And he doesn't want you
to suffer for it anymore.

Easier said than done.
Suffering is my bread and butter.

Tell her that it's the only way I
can redeem myself for what I did,

to go away knowing
that she's gonna be okay.

He wants to redeem himself.

He wants to know that
you're gonna be okay.

Tell her that I love her.

I always did, always will.

He loves you.

Why did you do it, Marty?

I love you, too, so much.
Why did you leave me?

It's okay.

It's gonna be okay. I promise.

Oh.

Oh.

What if I get happy and
I'm not funny anymore?

He doesn't think that
that's gonna be an issue.

I'll be watching tonight, baby.

I... I live in Grandview,
which, as you guys know,

is the dating capital
of the Northeast.

And, um, it's hard, you know?

'Cause I'm a single
woman. I'm six feet tall.

I'm livin' alone in a small
town. It's kinda scary, you know?

And I'm watchin' TV the
other night and I'm home alone,

and a... a guy escaped
from a local jail.

And I'm there in the
dark, and all I can think is,

"Oh, my God, I hope he's tall."

You guys have been
awesome! Thank you so much!

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, the
moment you've all been waiting for,

the incomparable, the peerless
Sandra Holloway! Give it up!

♪

So, I was up late last night,

doing something that I don't
normally do when I'm alone.

I said something I don't
normally do when I'm alone.

I was talking to an old
friend of mine from the past.

He's been dead for two years.

Keeps tryin' to get
me to come visit.

Some friend, right?

And I says to him,
"Hey, you're dead.

"So come on, tell me something
really deep and profound.

"Enlighten me." Right?

"Give me something
that will help me

"to better my life
here on earth."

And he looks at me,
takes a deep breath,

and he says,

"Honey, those jeans
really do make you look fat."

Goodnight, Grandview.

You've been a great
audience! Thank you!

So, can you tell
me what it's like?

I don't know. I'm still alive.

Everybody's a comedian.

No, really. What do you hear?

I don't know. No one's
ever come back to complain.

Let's leave it at that.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Thank you

for the laughs.

They were right.

What?

Dying is easy. It's the
comedy that's hard.

I have business with you.