Gayliens (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lapdance from Outer Space - full transcript

Ace, a space-themed stripper in a gay nightclub, agrees to give an odd man a private Lapdance, but is surprised when the patron reveals that he is an alien...and Earth is about to be invaded.

(soft discordant music)

(upbeat techno music)

(tense instrumental music)

(upbeat dance music)

[Audience Member]
Hurry up, baby, nice.

Look at that tail.

Shake it, baby.

Yeah, get down on your knees.

The ears, love the ears.

Oh, hop on over here,
baby, come on, come on.

Shake it, then, shake it.

Hi, baby, looking good.

Yes, I love it, I love it.

Yeah, take it all, take it all.

Oh, where you going?

Come back here, baby, come on.

Nice ass, woohoo, nice job.

Everyone, let's give it up for
Hoppy, the Marvelous Bunny.

Was he good, boys?


Only the best down here
at Willy's Bar & Grill.

Or should I say, "Grrr."

(watch beeps)

Am I right?

Oh, I have a special
surprise now.

He's blown, I mean flown,

thousands of light
years to be here.

Let's give a big Willy's
welcome to that extraterrestrial

with something really extra.

It's Ace from Outer Space.

(audience clapping)

[Audience Member] Come on, Ace.

(mystical instrumental music)

Take it off.

There you go.

Yeah, I got somebody for
you right over here, baby.

Right over here.

Keep it going.

Keep it going, baby.

Yeah, tear it off.

Oh, yeah, ass has got nothing
on this guy, shake it.

Come on, get it all off.

Get it all off.

(audience clapping)

We love you.

We love you, space man.

Oh, here it goes.

We finally get to see
the other head, come on.

(audience clapping)

(watch beeps)

Ace, everyone, invading
your personal space.

15-minute intermission, boys,

then Hoppy will return in leaps

and bounds to entertain you.

In the meantime, let's drink up.

Don't forget tonight's
special: space spritzers.

$10.25 gets you a tall one.

[Hoppy] How'd you do?

Probably a bunch of "Star
Wars" nerds out there.

Just call me Bart Vader.

How's the wife and kids?

Good, number four on the way.

Oh, Hoppy again?

Don't you have any
other characters?

Cowboys and construction
workers are so boring.

But they bring in the cash.

Who wants to fuck a rabbit?

Your mama, ready.

Oh, at least dye your balls
pink or blue or something.

It's Easter for Christ's sakes.

Oh, hey, I got a
question for you,

and hint, there's
only one right answer.

- Shoot.
- Private lap dance.

You interested?

- Sure.
- Bingo.

That's the right answer.

He's in the Magnolia room.

- What's he like?
- Kinda spacey.

(watch beeps)

Private lap dance?

I'm not here for the pie.

Come for the lap dance,
stay for the pie.

- (soft rhythmic music)
- Do you have any Adele?

- (music player clicks)
- (soft jazzy music)

- Better.
- First the rules.


We don't need no stinking rules.

These we do.

One, no touching.

What if I was blind?

Would you hand me
notes telling me

what you're taking
off in braille?

Two, keep your
dick in your pants.

Can I take it out
if its name is Kyle?

Three, if I want to go
further, it'll cost you.

- Cash only.
- (card falls)

You wouldn't like where I
was gonna swipe it anyway.

I go further for tips,

and the more you tip,
the further I go.

How much for here to Pacoima?

- You're funny.
- I think I am.

That's what I was
originally gonna say.

- Ouch.
- And four, officially,

this establishment doesn't
allow private lap dances,

especially ones
with bonus features.

I get it.

What happens in Vegas,
don't talk about Fight Club.

That leads me into
rule number five.

You have to tell
me if you're a cop.

- I do?
- It's the law, I think.

Tuition for law school
is that high, is it?

I'm not dancing for my health.

And yet you look
pretty, healthy.

- You look pretty healthy.
- Genetics.

A package of bacon has more
fat than my whole family.

Can I get a ticket
to your next reunion?


Well, what?

Are you a cop?

Oh, no, no, I'm not a cop.

I'm an alien.

- What?
- An alien.

You know, activating
cerebral thesaurus.

Alien, extraterrestrial,
outer space immigrant,

strange visitor
from another planet.


Please, all Martians are aliens,

but not all aliens are Martians.

That is racist.

Besides, you wouldn't
like Mars anyway.

It's nothing but a
bunch of Taco Bells

and subterranean strip malls.

Okay, they got
Taco Bells on Mars?

How'd they get there from Earth?

They didn't; they started on
Mars and franchised to Earth.

You know, you would be surprised
how many fast food chains

have their corporate
headquarters in black holes.

And given where you
expel your digested food,

the irony is really astonishing.

What's your name?

There's not really
a pronunciation

for it in your language.

The closest I can come
up with is Aloysius.

Say it in your language.

Okay, I'll try, Aloysius.

Why are you here?

(watch beeps)

You know what, enough
of the questions.

I feel like we're in the
middle of a transaction.

[Ace] I don't believe in
life in other planets.

Are you sure?

'Cause that ass is
out of this world

Some guy told me that last week.

Well, maybe he was an
alien too, from Uranus.

I was waiting for that one.

What can I say?

There's a reason
they're called classics.

Let me guess.

You're a few thousand years old.

10, thank you.

I try to eat right and exercise.

You've got like technology

beyond anything we have here.

You guys still poop.

You don't poop?

No, we carry around mini
transporters that beam...

I realize I said
beam; calm down.

Beam the waste
out of our bodies.

No fuss, no muss.

It breaks down the digested food

into sub-particles
and disperses them

- into the air.
- That's wild.

It still smells
like shit though.

Science can only do so much.

Okay, so you're so old,

you could leave your
initials on a pyramid,

technology literally
out the wazoo,

and you're parked on your glutes

in a dirty little strip club
on Earth on a Sunday night?

As civilizations go, space
man, not that advanced.

One finds one's little
pleasures where one can.

And brother, that is
the smartest thing

that anyone will ever tell you.

So assuming I believe you...

- Assume away.
- Why are you here?

(watch beeps)

- So...
- Ace.

Ace, that's your real name?

No, but it'll do.

What, want my real name?

Maybe my home address
and credit rating?

Fine, Ace it is.

So why are you here?

I see we're at that portion

of the evening's entertainment.

I'm not very entertained yet.

Aren't you supposed
to take something off?

- That's extra.
- (soft music)

Fast or slow?

Fast, we're a bit
pressed for time.

(tense music)

(Aloysius inhales)

Still here, I believe
you were dancing?

I love the way you smell.

Tommy Hilfiger for men.

No, you humans.

You smell through your noses.

You know, 86% of sentient life
forms use olfactory gills?

It's a lot more efficient,

but it's hard to smother
one with a pillow.

- Okay.
- So again, I ask,

why are you here?

Everybody's gotta be
good at something.

So you took an aptitude test

and the computer spit this out?

Was it above or below
event coordinator?

Did you choose to be
an alien or was the job

that wraps plastic around
the ends of shoelaces taken?

Smart ass, that is just
a descriptive term.

On my planet, you'd be an alien

and charged more
for yogurt toppings.

I got your yogurt
toppings right here.

- Nice, shorts.
- That's extra.

Fast or, never mind.

So 100 billion galaxies
and you are on Earth?

I'm the advance scout.

I was sent to find out
what Earth's defenses

- are like before we invade.
- Extra.

It's a who lives, who dies,

who tells your story
kind of thing thing.

All right, that's enough.

So what?

Like you're gonna
eat us or something?

You've been watching
too much Twilight Zone.

No, at the worst, we'll probably

just make you all
intergalactic social workers.

And then why invade us?

We're a reactionary race.

$0.10 surcharge on
plastic bags ended

in a 30-year civil war.

No, we were just
scanning the cosmos

and we saw you Earthlings
committing a crime

so heinous we have
to invade you.


Child abuse, Fox News.

Hanging your toilet paper
with a loose end underneath.

Told you we were reactionary.

I thought you were
after our freedom.

Freedom, oh, man.

You guys throw that word
around like you have Tourettes.

It has lost all meaning.

- Shut up.
- (watch beeps)

I'm sorry, I don't know
what button I pushed.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- That's extra.

Bob was my older
brother, Dad's favorite.

From the day he was born.,

my dad had no eye
for anybody else.

Bob was the smartest.

Bob was the best-looking.

Bob got all the girls.

Dad didn't even come to the
hospital when I was born.

He was at Bob's
Little League game.

I was an incidental,
a blind spot.

Mom died and it got worse.

I didn't exist anymore.

I ran away from home at 16.

He never missed me.

Bob got one of
his girls pregnant

and Dad got him to
join the military.

Can't be responsible
if you're not around,

- right?
- Theoretically.

Bob went to Afghanistan.

They told him there were
snipers, snipers everywhere.

Always wear your
helmet, they said.

Always keep your eyes
to the skies, they said.

And he did, he kept
his eyes to the skies.

And that's why he
never saw the landmine

when he stepped on
it; killed instantly.

Funny thing is he was
blown into 10 even pieces.

Bob was still
perfect, even dead.

What are the odds?

Three million to one.

Bob died at 3:17
AM on October 2nd.

At the same time, I
owned four private gyms.

Ran 'em myself.

How'd you afford that?

Blew a lot of investors.

Use your talents, you know?

I was gay.

Hell, I wasn't just gay.

- I was--
- Good at it?

Fuck yeah, guys with money
know other guys with money

and they all liked blow jobs.

If wives sucked more dick,

the entire corporate investment
world would collapse.

You are not wrong.

I heard about Bob
and I came home.

Dad would notice me now, right?

I was a hard worker.

I was a success.

Found him on the
couch in his boxers.

They were piss-stained
and stank.

He hadn't shaved
in days or eaten.

"What can I do for you, Dad?

"How can I help?"

He lifted his head and
he asked, "Who are you?"

- Ouch.
- I told him I was his son.

He said, "My son is
dead," and I guess I was.

I walked out of his house
and I never went back.

Sold my gyms, got a
tiny little apartment,

money ran out and got a job here.

Using your talents, for extra.

Hey, hey, you're not
getting your money's worth.

Sorry, I didn't
mean to be a downer.

So what's your story?

Let me guess.

You were gay, your
family rejected you,

so you joined a sheep farm
and then you fell in love

with another purple people
leader, but he was killed,

so you joined space academy to
fight the war of the worlds.

No, homophobia's really
only found on this planet.


Space is so queer.

Are you gonna keep on
those Flash Gordon undies?

[Ace And Aloysius] That's extra.

And do aliens use money?

We do now.

Before, the Intergalactic Bank

decreed blow jobs as currency.

Taking out a payment
plan on a flat screen TV

meant investing in a
crate of Chapstick.

Plus, it created this
weird uneven monetary tier.

Creatures with blow
holes or no teeth

just became
billionaires overnight.

- (Ace slaps)
- All yours.

You never told me your story.

Well, it's remarkably
similar to yours.

Space isn't just "Star
Trek" babies; it's vast.

Really, really huge.

And most of it's empty,

so you add two plus
two and you get boring.

So when they said, "Let's
terrorize every human on Earth,

"let's turn the air
and water into poison.

"let's strip their jungles
into waste lands..."

No, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Okay, they said,
"Let's burn things,

"let's drown things,
let's kill things,

"and commit atrocity
after atrocity,

"and were there any volunteers?"

And so I said, "Well, okay."

It was something to do.

Plus, I didn't feel
comfortable at home

once I caught Voyager 1 peeking
through my bedroom curtains.

That's nothing like my story.

- How much to touch?
- Two bills.

And a bargain at the price.

It's the least I can
do knowing the world's

about to be conquered and all.

Oh, I could stop it.


Oh, I could totally
abort the invasion.

I am the advance scout.

If I told them that
Earth was too dangerous

or not worth the trouble,
they would just leave.

Reactionary, remember?

Then stop it.

- Why?
- Because.

That's the argument
of a four-year-old.

You have had a rough life,

you have been treated terribly,

and your story is one of a
billion people with the same one.

Why keep going?

For the other six billion
who still have hope.

Okay, okay, I'm sport.

I'll tell you what.

If you can show me one
good thing about humanity,

I'll stop the invasion.

One act of kindness.

One good quality.

You have two minutes, go.

- The Bible.
- Be serious.

The Bill of Rights.

That was 1789.

Do you have anything
more current?

"Dancing with the Stars?"

You're lucky I don't

incinerate the entire
planet right now.

RuPaul's "Drag Race."

What was with that
bitch Tyra Sanchez?

Raven should have won.

- Waffle fries.
- God, I love those.

I don't know.

- Stop the invasion.
- That's extra.

(zipper unzips)

(member shines)

(sensual music)

(Aloysius laughs)

(Aloysius moans)

- (tense music)
- Shazbot.

[Watch] Verify you
are not a computer.

Tap every picture
with a bicycle.

Tap every picture
with a traffic light.

The mission has been aborted.

If you'd like to extend
your car warranty-

(watch beeps)

Well, you did it.

Guess this liver
spot of the Milky Way

is around a little bit longer.

No one will ever know how
close they came to the end.

Better not peek at
the end of your story.

If Sherlock Holmes knew
who the villain was,

he wouldn't even bother
solving the mystery.

So, what now?

Well, people just go back to
doing their everyday thing.

As long as they
don't put together

that two plus two equals boring,

then we'll have to do
this all over again.

You wanna get something to eat?

Sure; hey, how
about waffle fries?

(soft upbeat music)

- Barbarians.
- (mystical instrumental music)