Gavin & Stacey (2007–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript
Despite a savage dummy interview from Bryn Stacey gets a job as a waitress as Marco's cafe. Dave Coaches is not happy when Nessa and the young Shipmans take baby Neil to Essex but cuts his losses when Nessa's father offers a weekend watching porn. In Billericay Pam and Mick order a huge Indian takeaway for the family and a surprisingly quiet Dawn and Pete. Stacey wants Gavin to slip away from the party and make a baby with her but he gets drunk and passes out. Next morning Nessa and Smithy wake up in the same bed.
- Gavin, welcome to Cardiff!
- Good to see you again.
He's changed!
He's gone and I'm here, bereft.
Not this again, you two.
He is struggling to come to terms
with the loss of Gavin.
Dad, this is my friend Dave.
- Well, fiance.
- That's what I said.
You're going ahead with it, then.
The engagement.
Yeah, I just said.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I am, all right?
He's so lush, inne? Neil the baby.
Yeah, he is.
- Gav...
- Yeah, let's go for it.
- Seriously?
- Let's give it a try.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hiya.
- Gav! What are you playin' at?
- What?
You left this morning
without having sex with me.
Yeah, I had to go to work.
You were asleep.
Gav! We have to have sex
twice a day!
The one in the morning
doesn't have to be anything special.
You can just get on with it.
Even if I'm asleep, I won't mind.
In the night, then,
we'll do it properly with candles
and masks and stuff.
- Masks?
- Yeah, y'know, that kind of thing...
Masks?!
Look, you know what I mean.
But it's the only way I'm gonna
get pregnant, doin' it that much, OK?
OK.
- And you won't complain?
- I guarantee
there will be no complaints.
Good.
And you may as well make
the most of it, cos once
we have a baby it all stops.
- Why?
- It just does, Gav.
It's what happens.
Anyway, I gotta get ready
for my interview.
Oh, yeah, good luck, babes.
You'll walk it.
Thanks. And I'll see you at half-four
at Nessa's, then, at the caravan.
It's the one on the end by the hut?
Yeah, next to the Welsh nationalists.
You can't miss it.
A lot of cars out there
this morning, Gwen.
- Is there?
- Yes.
Oh!
Bernie's going out.
I think she's off to Morrisons.
Has she got her Bag For Life?
Yes.
And Brenda's out.
She's taking Emily Rose.
And the dog?
Yes! She can't go anywhere
without the dog, Gwen!
She's registered blind.
Right, here we are!
I've tried something
different this time.
It's got yesterday's beef in it.
Oh, very exotic.
I don't know what it'll be like.
- Oh, hiya, love.
- How do I look?
You look like someone
who's about to get a job!
Oh, don't say that!
I'm ever so nervous.
Why?
Cos I haven't had an interview
since I was 17.
I didn't even interview for Marks.
I just filled in a form.
I mean, what are they gonna ask me?
What if...
Hey now, don't panic.
Why don't me and Bryn
give you a little practice run?
Gwen, that's a crackin' idea.
Let me just get through this
and we'll have a go!
All right, Neil?
All right, Dave. Where's Ness?
We been down the shower block
for a wash, she's comin' now.
Ah, give him here a minute!
Let's have a little cwtch
with your bampy, is it?
Oh, Dave.
Don't just storm off like that...
Don't start, all right?
It's half a mile.
I feel exposed dressed like this.
OK, I'm sorry. I didn't think.
I had the baby, Neil.
All right, Dad?
What's your plans for today?
I reckon I'll be movin' on, Ness.
Get from under your feet,
you're not exactly blessed
with space.
No, we're not.
And if truth be told,
you've overstayed your welcome.
You'll come back
for the wedding, though, right?
Just let me know the date,
I'll be there.
Be sometime in June.
So where to you headin' next?
I heard there's a bit of extra work
on Midsomer Murders,
thought I'd head up there,
show my face, see if I can get
a few days on that.
Crackin'.
Tidy.
Send my love to John.
Who's John?
Nettles. Bergerac. Dirty boy.
Good job he can't see me like this,
you'd have to put him on a leash.
That's great. And just one more?
Lovely. And one more?
Lovely stuff.
And just one more.
I think you're gonna like this one...
Owain, to be honest
I'm not really bothered
what I look like on the website.
- I just got to get on, really.
- No problem.
Mm. Can we actually
get one with you sat...
Monday. I'm all yours Monday.
But today, I want to finish early
cos I've got to get home...
Hey, if there's one thing they say
about Owain Hughes,
he never gets in your way.
(MOBILE RINGS)
I'd better get that.
Smithster!
- Ready, one, two...
- Tell 'em wah gwan, blud!
Who killin' em in the UK
Everybody better say you, K
Reluctantly, cos most of this press
don't...with me
- Estelle once said to me, cool
- Down, down
- Don't act a foo
- Now, now
I always act a fool
Ow, ow
- Ain't nothing new
- Now now
He crazy, I know what ya thinkin'
Ribena, I know what you're drinkin'
- Rap singer
- Chain blinger
Holla at the next chick
Soon as you're blinkin
What's your persona?
About this American rhymer.
Am I shallow
Cos all my clothes designer?
I dress smart like a London bloke
Before he speak his suit bespoke
And you thought he was cute before
Look at this pea coat
Tell me he's broke
And I know
you're not into all that
- I heard your lyrics
- Feel your spirit
But I still talk that ca-a-ash
Cos a lotta WAGs wanna hear it
- And I'm feelin' like Mike
- At his baddest
Like a Pip with the Gladys
And I know they love it
- So to hell with all that
- Rubbish.
- Yes! Brrrr! Brrrr!
- That's the best we've done it!
- Boo!
- Boo!
- Boo! Boo!
- Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo! What d'you think?
Very impressive! How long did it
take you to learn all that?
- Been workin' on it
two or three weeks.
- It's good, isn't it?
- So what you doin'?
- Nothing. Just picked Rudi up
from work.
You must be so bored.
I am, mate. I am completely bored.
I am a border collie.
He's Carole Borderman.
He ain't got you in his life
no more, has he?
So what time you coming home?
Back to your land?
Back to your people?
We'll be at my parents
about half-nine.
Or d'you want us to come yours?
Drop Neil the baby off?
Oh, no, Mum's got her group thing,
her meeting,
her single parents thing,
they'll all be cryin'
in the front room.
I'll just see you
at your mum and dad's.
Is Nessa comin', or...?
Yes, she is. Oh, what time
we teein' off tomorrow?
I dunno. Pete's organisin' it,
P Diddly.
- What, it's all booked?
- Yeah, it's done.
It's Romeo done.
(HONKING)
Listen, mate, I gotta go,
I'm parked in a disabled space.
I'll call you back.
- You shouldn't be parking there.
- All right, mate!
- You're parked in a disabled space.
- I am, actually,
I'm severely overweight.
- That is a disability.
- Look at the size of him.
It's actually difficult for me
to walk.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Have a seat.
(STACEY GIGGLES)
Thanks.
- Is something funny?
- No, I just...
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Declan...
..McPartlan.
And this is my colleague, Sandra.
Sandra...
Toksvig.
Pleased to meet you,
I'm Stacey Shipman.
Now, I see from your CV that
you recently returned to the area.
What made you go in the first place?
Well, what it was,
I married a boy from Essex
and we moved up there but he got
a job down here so we moved back.
So are you prone
to changing your mind?
No, I just wanted...
Cos we want someone who's committed,
we want someone
who's prepared to give 100%.
I am committed.
What about relationships,
are you committed to them?
Yes! I'm married.
Well, a little birdie told me
you were engaged five times
before you met your current husband.
They wouldn't say that
in an interview, Uncle Bryn!
- Who wouldn't?
- Who's Uncle Bryn?
Oh, Mum, tell him!
Look at her! Calling for her mother
at the first sign of trouble.
Your generation make me sick.
You flounce in here and expect it all
to be handed to you on a plate...
Declan...
Well, I'll tell you what,
Little Miss Five Engagements,
I love this company
with all of my heart
and I will not stand by
and see it treated
in the same way you treated Leighton,
and Hywel, the other two,
even Achmed.
I've seen it built from nothing.
Do not presume to think
you can raze it to the ground...
Mr McPartlan!
No, Sandra, this is something
I feel very strongly about...
Mrs Shipman, I'm afraid you're not
what we're looking for. Good day.
Good day, Mrs Shipman!
Next!
Hiya. I'm here for a job interview.
Stacey Shipman?
- Can you make tea?
- Yes.
- Coffee?
- Yes!
When can you start?
And he offered me the job
there and then.
He didn't ask me any of the questions
you asked me.
I didn't ask you any questions,
Stace. It was Declan.
I know for a fact, he was only doing
it to give you a worst case scenario.
This is them, isn't it?
Yeah.
Hey! Be' dy'chi'n neud?
Lle parcio fi yw e!
Rydw i'n hoffi coffi.
- What did she say?
- No idea.
All right, Bryn?
Stace, how's it goin'? All right?
- Very good, very well.
- Hiya!
If you wanna see Ness,
you'll have to wait a minute.
She's doin' a reading.
How's it doin'?
How's the new business?
It's a bit slow. The problem is,
Bryn, we don't get any passin' trade
down here.
That was a tough one.
What was it, palm?
No. Tarot.
I had to skirt around the facts,
if truth be told.
- He looked very upset.
- I make a lot of it up. You have to.
If even half of what I told him
turns out to be true,
he's in for a very bad year.
I'll get changed.
(NEIL CRIES)
I'll put him down now.
Can I get anyone a drink?
Tea? Coffee? Mojito?
Not for me, David.
I'll have a cider.
Stace, you want a cider?
Aye, go on, then.
Actually, no, I won't.
I'm tryin' not to drink.
- Why?
- Health reasons.
Don't be a twat, Stace.
Sorry.
I do like it in here, David.
I like what you've done
with the place.
And I mean, you've got it all here
at your fingertips.
They're a bit hit and miss,
them showers, aren't they?
All right, Bryn! Stace!
Hiya!
Hello, Neil. Mr Film Star!
Hey, I saw you the other day.
Lark Rise To Candleford!
You were in the background.
Oh, yeah, with the geese!
I mean, it says something
about that programme
that I was actually watching you.
That show, in my opinion,
is all about the dresses, the hats,
the bonnets and what-have-you.
I don't care what anyone says,
it's not the same
without Dawn French.
I know. We watch it all the time.
I don't really understand
what they're sayin', to be honest.
What you still doin' here, anyway?
I thought you'd gone.
Yeah, well, I'll be headin' off now
in a minute.
Hey, Ness, if it's nice tomorrow
we could have a little barbecue.
- What d'you reckon?
- Well, I won't be here, will I?
I'm goin' up Essex with Stace,
takin' the baby Neil
to see his father.
It's the first I've heard of it.
- I told you the other night.
- No, you never.
Oh, Dave, I told you Tuesday night!
- When?
- When you were asleep.
Well, thanks very much
for the invite(!)
No, that's the thing.
You're not invited.
- I was being sarcastic.
- He was being sarcastic.
What it is, we're goin' to a spa,
we are,
and all the boys are playin' golf
and Pete and Dawn arranged it.
Yes, and the last time you saw Pete,
you called him Scrappy Doo
and he punched you in the face.
Great. So I'm all on my own, then,
am I?
No, you're all right, Dave.
Look, I tell you what,
I'll stay down here with you.
We'll have the whole weekend
together,
go the clubhouse, couple of cans,
I got some porn in the back
of the cart, it'll be crackin'.
(HONKS)
Hiya!
Hiya. All right?
Look at you, Little Miss Cafe Marco!
Congratulations!
Thanks, babe.
- All right, Gav?
- All right.
Gav! Keep it down, will you?
Sorry, is the baby sleepin'?
It's not that, it's them lot.
The Welshies.
They get a sniff
of an English accent on the site,
they'll come out and lynch you.
Nice.
Right, you'll take care
of my little boy now, won't you, Gav?
Course I will.
His dad's my best mate.
Right, I'll give you a ring
when we get there, OK?
Oh, Dave, I got DVD, VHS or some
lovely stuff on Betamax,
if you fancy.
I know! I've seen one! I've seen it!
It's got like a... Like a...
A man with a flute on the front.
Riding an elephant.
Try the messy drawer.
I've looked in the messy drawer.
We keep ours by the Yellow Pages.
That's it! That's the pony.
The Yellow Pages.
Pete, stand down your troops.
The search is over.
A menu has been found.
The delights of Bombay Spice
shall grace our table tonight!
I don't know why they keep
sending those Yellow Pages.
Our last three are still
in the plastic.
We just use the internet now
if we wanna find anything.
Yeah, I'll tell you what
we've started using - AQA.
What's that?
Any Question Answer.
Yeah, you can ask it anything
and it'll give you the answer.
You know, like what's the weather
gonna be like tomorrow?
What's the football score...
Yeah! What was it
you asked them the other night?
Should I divorce you?
That was it.
No! What did it say?
I'll tell you what it said,
I've got it here.
Right, here we go, I asked it,
"Should Pete divorce Dawn?"
And quick as a flash
they came back with,
"Yes, Pete should divorce Dawn
"if he is not happy with her
and feels the relationship
is not going anywhere.
"But they should try
working at things first
"and divorce
should be a last resort."
- So that's we're doin'.
- That's what we're gonna do.
It's ever so good. We're even
thinkin of renewin' our vows.
Oh, that'll be nice!
Right, I got it. What do we fancy?
Lamb pasanda.
Can we get lamb pasanda?
Yeah, I already got that.
And how we gonna do it?
Havin' our own or shall we all...
Yeah, I think so, let's.
And then we can all just...
Yeah. And we should ring Gavin
and check with them,
cos I'm not havin'
what happened last time.
What's that?
- He ordered all the hot things...
- It wasn't that hot!
Michael, people were in tears,
their noses were streamin',
it was awful.
He's got the chillies, the extra
chillies, the jalapenos...
- And Smithy...
- He likes them hot!
He could barely see! He was sweatin'
like a horse! Everyone was!
And the next day,
everyone was pumping and trumping!
It was terrible!
(LAUGHTER)
Here, look. Pass me the phone.
I'll ring Gav.
Aw, he's really starting to look
like Smithy, isn't he?
- Yeah, I thought that,
around the mouth.
- Around the chin.
Ness, is it weird
when you see Smithy?
Like, do you think,
"Oh, my God! I've had sex with him"?
Stace, if I thought that every time
I saw a man I'd had sex with,
I'd never get anything done.
(MOBILE RINGS)
It's Dad. Will you talk to him?
I haven't got the Bluetooth.
Hello?
Who's that? Is that you, Ness?
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
What's it to you?
Oh, sorry. Look, is Gav there?
It's his dad.
Oh, all right, Mick?
What's occurrin'?
Hiya! I thought it was you.
We're just orderin' this Indian
and we wondered
what everyone wanted.
They're orderin' a curry.
Who wants what?
Oh, can I have a korma? Is a korma
borin'? I know it's boring.
Gav, will you laugh at me
if I have a korma?
Course I won't.
I think I'm gonna have...
Hang on, is Mum gettin' a pasanda?
Is Mum gettin' a pasanda?
- Yeah, lamb.
- Yes. Lamb.
Right, in that case
I'll have a king prawn balti.
OK, I got that. What about you, Ness?
If they got it,
I'll have a Jamdhani Haash.
- I'll see if they've got it
on the menu.
- Jamdhani Haash?!
- I've never heard of that,
what is it?
- Duck, it is, Gav. Cooked in honey.
And limes. Immense.
- Yeah? It's OK. I've got that.
- What about naan bread?
- Smithy'll want a keema naan.
- I want a bhaji. Can I have a bhaji?
Oh, Mick, what's the situation
with poppadums, bhajis, naans?
Yeah, hang on a minute.
What we doin' about bhajis
and things, you know,
poppadums and naan breads?
- We'll just put that in the middle.
- We'll each help ourselves.
It's sorted.
And tell him not to get
all that hot stuff.
Gav said don't get the hot stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Mick, I'm gonna go,
this is borin' me.
We forgot the sag aloo.
Text Mum and say, "Sag aloo."
Right, let's see where we're up to.
What we got so far?
We have lamb pasanda, beef Madras,
chicken jalfrezi, no tomatoes.
- No tomatoes.
- Gavin wants a king prawn balti.
Hello, Smithy.
Bonjour, mes amis. Comment
allez-vous? Je m'appelle Smithez.
- What's that, French?
- Your instincts serve you well,
Peter.
Or should I say Pierre?
What you on about?
What's with the lingo?
Lucy's pen friend's
over from the Dordogne,
can't speak a word of English
so I'm throwin' it in whenever I can.
Or in other words, Dawn,
quelle est la date
de ton anniversaire?
We're gettin' an Indian.
What d'you fancy?
Chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna,
prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag
of chips, keema naan
and nine poppadums.
- We'll just stick it
on the table and...
- Whoa. Right. OK.
What is it about a group of people
orderin' an Indian or Chinese
that it's somehow unexpectable to eat
your own food that you order
yourself.
Like, why do we have to...?
Why do we all just...?
Well, because it's nice.
No, it's not for me.
Because I guarantee
someone, probably Stacey,
will have ordered a korma.
Am I wrong, Mick? Am I wrong?
No, she has actually...
Exactly. And in my book
a korma's pointless, it's futile.
I won't touch it. But I can guarantee
Pete's already eyeing up my bhunas?
Am I wrong?
Pete, have you thought about
my bhunas?
- Well, yes, I probably have...
- But they're my bhunas.
- That's why I've ordered two bhunas.
- Three, actually.
- Calm down.
- No. I've had enough of it.
Last week, had a Chinese
with Chinese and his missus,
they were dippin' in mine
goin', "Yours is really nice!"
I'm like, "Yes, it is!
That's why I ordered it!"
Forget it, I want no part of it,
I'll order mine, eat it in the car.
I'm out.
(PHONE BLEEPS)
Sag aloo. Sag aloo!
I'd like a sag aloo as well,
please, Mick.
Gav, listen,
I've been thinkin' about it
and I reckon we should try
and do it once, maybe twice
before the food arrives.
- Eh?
- Look, you're havin' a curry
which means you'll drink beer and get
drunk and then you'll have problems.
- But two? They've already ordered!
- Don't flatter yourself, Gav.
Oh! I thought it was you, Dad thought
it might've been the food.
Hiya, Ness!
- Ah, hello, Neil!
- All right, Pam, how's it goin'?
And there he is, my little
Prince of Wales...and the Princess.
Oh, come here, you two,
I've missed you.
Phew, Mum, are you drunk?
Not drunk drunk,
but I've had some wines.
Hey, there's my little boy. Hiya!
You all right?
- Yeah. You?
- Yeah.
- Gavlar!
- How are you, all right?
- I'm good. It's nice to see you.
- You too, mate.
- Come on in, it's freezing out here.
- Yeah, come on, Gav.
There he is.
- Hiya, Mick.
- How are you, darlin'?
Hello, son, good to have you back.
Gav, I'm just gonna go and...
y'know...do that thing...
- OK, I'll be there now.
- Gavin! Darling, come here.
- You look so different.
- Yeah, you do.
- You've grown. How are you, son?
- I'm really good!
How's the job going, you settled in?
Er, yeah, yeah, really enjoying it.
I just need to...
Oh, I've missed you!
Haven't I, Pete?
Yeah! We've both been surprised
by how much we've missed you!
Come on, let's get you a drink.
Come on.
Yeah, you got a bit of
catchin' up to do.
- Gav?
- I'll just take these bags upstairs.
- No, leave that till later.
- Nah, I'll do it now.
Come and have a drink.
- We got Kingfishers for the curry.
- Nice!
I'm sorry, babe, it's just...
Right. I'm gonna go the toilet.
You give it ten seconds
then follow me,
and do a funny knock or something
so I know it's you.
I'm not doin'
it in the downstairs toilet.
Why can't we wait till later?
No, Gav! We've already missed
one chance today,
I'm not missing another.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
There's the food.
MICK: That'll be the curry. Whoo-hoo!
Right, Dawn, jalfrezi, no tomatoes.
Lamb pasanda,
I haven't got my lamb pasanda.
There you go, there you go.
(LAUGHING)
- More wine?
- Here's yours, darlin'.
You all right there, mate?
You're all sorted, you got yours(?)
It's the lowest form of wit, Gav.
Oh, this looks lush!
Oh, you got changed, darlin'.
Yeah, comfier for the curry.
Anyone sitting 'ere?
No, I don't think so.
What you got there?
Jamdhani Haash.
Yeah, I'm gonna try
a bit of that later.
- Oh, you ordered
the same thing, Mick?
- No, but I...
Look, this is my dish.
I ordered it. End of. I'm eatin' it.
Thank you! At last,
somebody talking sense!
See, it isn't just me.
Right, how are we for drinks?
I'll have a white wine.
Uno baguette, don biero, please.
No, I'm sticking to pop,
I'm looking after Neil tonight,
give Nessa a break.
Cheers, Stace, I appreciates it.
By rights, none of us should
be drinking,
not with us having
detox facials tomorrow.
- I can't wait.
- That's the point!
I haven't washed my face for a week
just so's I can feel the benefit.
Oh, I meant to say, has anybody
got a spare glove?
- I can't find mine anywhere.
- Yeah, I got one.
- Is yours the white Calloway one?
- That's the one.
- Yeah, it's in my bag!
- Is it?
- Pete, show 'em your new hat!
- Yeah, I got a new hat!
I got him his hat off the internet.
It's personalised -
got his little name on it
Oh, that's nice!
Yeah, it's ever so good, they do
all sorts, T-shirts, hats...
Well, it's just hats
and T-shirts, really.
I can't wait to get out
there tomorrow,
I ain't played a full 18 in months!
Do they play golf in Wales?
Yeah!
And tennis. Ian Woosnam's Welsh.
No!
Do you want
a little knife and fork, darling?
No. When I lived in Mumbai I ate
like this mornin', noon and dinner.
You lived in India?
Yeah.
I was personal assistant to Om Puri.
Oh, I like him! And I don't
normally go for, you know...
Yeah, he's a great man.
Some say the best in Bollywood.
But he had to fire me.
I did the one thing
he asked me not to do.
What?
I made it sexual, Pam.
I was only there three months,
between us we directed
over 200 films.
Now all I've got to remind me
of Om is this Jamdhani Haash
and a VHS copy of East Is East.
Da-dah!
(CHEERING)
"Peter Sutcliffe loves golf!"
Chug! Chug!
Go on, Gavin! Go on, Gavin!
Go on, Gavin!
Go on! Go on!
Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh!
Bloody hell, Mum,
I'm not even nearly finished!
Well, you shouldn't
challenge me, then.
Gavin, you are the loser!
Therefore you must therefore pay
the penalty.
Down in one, please.
Oh, Smith, rack me up one of
them while your at it, will you?
- A pleasure, Miss Jenkins.
Anyone else?
- Tidy.
PM Dawn. There we go.
Right, I'm gonna see if Neil
will go back down now, OK?
Gav, you gonna come with me?
- Nah, you're all right.
- Gav?!
Oh, yeah. Yes! Of course.
- Nah, give him here, I'll do it.
- No, it's OK.
- No, I wanna put my son to bed.
- Oh, right...
- Come on, you. Let's go to bed.
- Gav, you comin' for a fag?
- Yeah go on, then.
- Where you goin'?
For a smoke.
Oh, I might fancy a fag.
- Pam!
- Come on, Dawn, let's have a ciggie.
What you on going about?!
You don't smoke!
You haven't smoked since 1981.
- I know, but I just fancy it.
- Go on, then.
I think I might have a fag,
actually.
- Yeah, and me.
- I've never seen you smoke, Pete!
There's a lot you don't
know about me, Michael.
I think there's a lot
I don't want to know, mate.
I could tell you
a few things about him.
Oh, my Christ!
Dawn, you all right?
I'm fine! I'm fine!
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
- I think we all need
to slow down a bit.
- Chill out, Grandad.
- Oh, it is disgusting, mind.
- Exactly!
I'm quite enjoying it, to be honest.
Mind you,
I have had a couple recently.
I had one with Japanese Margaret
at work last week.
- Menthol.
- Ah!
Pete, what are you doing?
What?
(ALL HOWL WITH LAUGHTER)
Oh, yeah!
Doughnut!
I hardly ever smoke these days,
do I, Gav?
No, you don't. It don't suit you,
really.
He's right, Stace.
Some people were just born to smoke.
You...you look a fool!
(LAUGHS)
Pam! You're smoking!
What the hell's going on?
I know, mate.
The whole night, it's turned.
Yes, it has.
Can I remind everyone,
we are all supposed
to be playing golf tomorrow morning?
- Oh, give it a rest!
- Boring!
Oh, stuff the lot of you!
Come on, let me have a puff of that.
(HE SPLUTTERS)
Ah-hoo-hoo!
Pam, you got any vodka?
Smithy, darling,
let's do some shots!
Shots!
(ALL CHEER)
(THEY SING "DO THE CONGA",
BY BLACK LACE)
# Da-da-da
# Da-da-da... #
(LAUGHTER)
(# MADNESS: House Of Fun)
(THEY WHOOP AND LAUGH)
# N-N-N-No, no, miss,
you misunderstood
# 16, big boy
# Full pint in my manhood
# I'm up to date and the date's today
# So if you'll serve
I'll be on my way
# Welcome to the house of fun
now I've come of age
# Welcome to the lion's den
now temptation's on his way
# Welcome to the house of fun. #
Oh, can you keep it down a bit?
Not for me, for Neil.
Don't worry, Stace.
He's like his dad!
When he sleeps, he sleeps.
Yeah, don't worry about it, Stace.
He lives in a caravan.
He's used to all sorts.
Gav, can I have a word
with you for a minute?
- Yeah, hang on,
let me just finish...
- No, now!
(SHE CHUCKLES)
Oh! I'm the man! Wey-hey!
# ..It's quicker if you run
# This is a chemist not a joke shop
# Party hats
Simple enough, clear... #
God, I love you,
I really, really love you.
You don't have to be romantic,
all right? We just got
to do it quiet cos of Neil.
Yeah, come on, let's do it,
let's make a baby.
I'm just checking a minute.
Yeah, he's fine.
Right...
(SIGHS)
(BEEPING)
Oh, my God.
Stace.
Stace!
Oh, my God!
(PHONE VIBRATES AND BEEPS)
All right?
Morning.
(SHE SIGHS)
# Tell me tomorrow
I'll wait by the window for you
# I'll wait by your big house
for you
# I'll wait by the squeezebox
for you. #
- Good to see you again.
He's changed!
He's gone and I'm here, bereft.
Not this again, you two.
He is struggling to come to terms
with the loss of Gavin.
Dad, this is my friend Dave.
- Well, fiance.
- That's what I said.
You're going ahead with it, then.
The engagement.
Yeah, I just said.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I am, all right?
He's so lush, inne? Neil the baby.
Yeah, he is.
- Gav...
- Yeah, let's go for it.
- Seriously?
- Let's give it a try.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hiya.
- Gav! What are you playin' at?
- What?
You left this morning
without having sex with me.
Yeah, I had to go to work.
You were asleep.
Gav! We have to have sex
twice a day!
The one in the morning
doesn't have to be anything special.
You can just get on with it.
Even if I'm asleep, I won't mind.
In the night, then,
we'll do it properly with candles
and masks and stuff.
- Masks?
- Yeah, y'know, that kind of thing...
Masks?!
Look, you know what I mean.
But it's the only way I'm gonna
get pregnant, doin' it that much, OK?
OK.
- And you won't complain?
- I guarantee
there will be no complaints.
Good.
And you may as well make
the most of it, cos once
we have a baby it all stops.
- Why?
- It just does, Gav.
It's what happens.
Anyway, I gotta get ready
for my interview.
Oh, yeah, good luck, babes.
You'll walk it.
Thanks. And I'll see you at half-four
at Nessa's, then, at the caravan.
It's the one on the end by the hut?
Yeah, next to the Welsh nationalists.
You can't miss it.
A lot of cars out there
this morning, Gwen.
- Is there?
- Yes.
Oh!
Bernie's going out.
I think she's off to Morrisons.
Has she got her Bag For Life?
Yes.
And Brenda's out.
She's taking Emily Rose.
And the dog?
Yes! She can't go anywhere
without the dog, Gwen!
She's registered blind.
Right, here we are!
I've tried something
different this time.
It's got yesterday's beef in it.
Oh, very exotic.
I don't know what it'll be like.
- Oh, hiya, love.
- How do I look?
You look like someone
who's about to get a job!
Oh, don't say that!
I'm ever so nervous.
Why?
Cos I haven't had an interview
since I was 17.
I didn't even interview for Marks.
I just filled in a form.
I mean, what are they gonna ask me?
What if...
Hey now, don't panic.
Why don't me and Bryn
give you a little practice run?
Gwen, that's a crackin' idea.
Let me just get through this
and we'll have a go!
All right, Neil?
All right, Dave. Where's Ness?
We been down the shower block
for a wash, she's comin' now.
Ah, give him here a minute!
Let's have a little cwtch
with your bampy, is it?
Oh, Dave.
Don't just storm off like that...
Don't start, all right?
It's half a mile.
I feel exposed dressed like this.
OK, I'm sorry. I didn't think.
I had the baby, Neil.
All right, Dad?
What's your plans for today?
I reckon I'll be movin' on, Ness.
Get from under your feet,
you're not exactly blessed
with space.
No, we're not.
And if truth be told,
you've overstayed your welcome.
You'll come back
for the wedding, though, right?
Just let me know the date,
I'll be there.
Be sometime in June.
So where to you headin' next?
I heard there's a bit of extra work
on Midsomer Murders,
thought I'd head up there,
show my face, see if I can get
a few days on that.
Crackin'.
Tidy.
Send my love to John.
Who's John?
Nettles. Bergerac. Dirty boy.
Good job he can't see me like this,
you'd have to put him on a leash.
That's great. And just one more?
Lovely. And one more?
Lovely stuff.
And just one more.
I think you're gonna like this one...
Owain, to be honest
I'm not really bothered
what I look like on the website.
- I just got to get on, really.
- No problem.
Mm. Can we actually
get one with you sat...
Monday. I'm all yours Monday.
But today, I want to finish early
cos I've got to get home...
Hey, if there's one thing they say
about Owain Hughes,
he never gets in your way.
(MOBILE RINGS)
I'd better get that.
Smithster!
- Ready, one, two...
- Tell 'em wah gwan, blud!
Who killin' em in the UK
Everybody better say you, K
Reluctantly, cos most of this press
don't...with me
- Estelle once said to me, cool
- Down, down
- Don't act a foo
- Now, now
I always act a fool
Ow, ow
- Ain't nothing new
- Now now
He crazy, I know what ya thinkin'
Ribena, I know what you're drinkin'
- Rap singer
- Chain blinger
Holla at the next chick
Soon as you're blinkin
What's your persona?
About this American rhymer.
Am I shallow
Cos all my clothes designer?
I dress smart like a London bloke
Before he speak his suit bespoke
And you thought he was cute before
Look at this pea coat
Tell me he's broke
And I know
you're not into all that
- I heard your lyrics
- Feel your spirit
But I still talk that ca-a-ash
Cos a lotta WAGs wanna hear it
- And I'm feelin' like Mike
- At his baddest
Like a Pip with the Gladys
And I know they love it
- So to hell with all that
- Rubbish.
- Yes! Brrrr! Brrrr!
- That's the best we've done it!
- Boo!
- Boo!
- Boo! Boo!
- Boo! Boo!
Boo! Boo! What d'you think?
Very impressive! How long did it
take you to learn all that?
- Been workin' on it
two or three weeks.
- It's good, isn't it?
- So what you doin'?
- Nothing. Just picked Rudi up
from work.
You must be so bored.
I am, mate. I am completely bored.
I am a border collie.
He's Carole Borderman.
He ain't got you in his life
no more, has he?
So what time you coming home?
Back to your land?
Back to your people?
We'll be at my parents
about half-nine.
Or d'you want us to come yours?
Drop Neil the baby off?
Oh, no, Mum's got her group thing,
her meeting,
her single parents thing,
they'll all be cryin'
in the front room.
I'll just see you
at your mum and dad's.
Is Nessa comin', or...?
Yes, she is. Oh, what time
we teein' off tomorrow?
I dunno. Pete's organisin' it,
P Diddly.
- What, it's all booked?
- Yeah, it's done.
It's Romeo done.
(HONKING)
Listen, mate, I gotta go,
I'm parked in a disabled space.
I'll call you back.
- You shouldn't be parking there.
- All right, mate!
- You're parked in a disabled space.
- I am, actually,
I'm severely overweight.
- That is a disability.
- Look at the size of him.
It's actually difficult for me
to walk.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Have a seat.
(STACEY GIGGLES)
Thanks.
- Is something funny?
- No, I just...
Let me introduce myself.
My name is Declan...
..McPartlan.
And this is my colleague, Sandra.
Sandra...
Toksvig.
Pleased to meet you,
I'm Stacey Shipman.
Now, I see from your CV that
you recently returned to the area.
What made you go in the first place?
Well, what it was,
I married a boy from Essex
and we moved up there but he got
a job down here so we moved back.
So are you prone
to changing your mind?
No, I just wanted...
Cos we want someone who's committed,
we want someone
who's prepared to give 100%.
I am committed.
What about relationships,
are you committed to them?
Yes! I'm married.
Well, a little birdie told me
you were engaged five times
before you met your current husband.
They wouldn't say that
in an interview, Uncle Bryn!
- Who wouldn't?
- Who's Uncle Bryn?
Oh, Mum, tell him!
Look at her! Calling for her mother
at the first sign of trouble.
Your generation make me sick.
You flounce in here and expect it all
to be handed to you on a plate...
Declan...
Well, I'll tell you what,
Little Miss Five Engagements,
I love this company
with all of my heart
and I will not stand by
and see it treated
in the same way you treated Leighton,
and Hywel, the other two,
even Achmed.
I've seen it built from nothing.
Do not presume to think
you can raze it to the ground...
Mr McPartlan!
No, Sandra, this is something
I feel very strongly about...
Mrs Shipman, I'm afraid you're not
what we're looking for. Good day.
Good day, Mrs Shipman!
Next!
Hiya. I'm here for a job interview.
Stacey Shipman?
- Can you make tea?
- Yes.
- Coffee?
- Yes!
When can you start?
And he offered me the job
there and then.
He didn't ask me any of the questions
you asked me.
I didn't ask you any questions,
Stace. It was Declan.
I know for a fact, he was only doing
it to give you a worst case scenario.
This is them, isn't it?
Yeah.
Hey! Be' dy'chi'n neud?
Lle parcio fi yw e!
Rydw i'n hoffi coffi.
- What did she say?
- No idea.
All right, Bryn?
Stace, how's it goin'? All right?
- Very good, very well.
- Hiya!
If you wanna see Ness,
you'll have to wait a minute.
She's doin' a reading.
How's it doin'?
How's the new business?
It's a bit slow. The problem is,
Bryn, we don't get any passin' trade
down here.
That was a tough one.
What was it, palm?
No. Tarot.
I had to skirt around the facts,
if truth be told.
- He looked very upset.
- I make a lot of it up. You have to.
If even half of what I told him
turns out to be true,
he's in for a very bad year.
I'll get changed.
(NEIL CRIES)
I'll put him down now.
Can I get anyone a drink?
Tea? Coffee? Mojito?
Not for me, David.
I'll have a cider.
Stace, you want a cider?
Aye, go on, then.
Actually, no, I won't.
I'm tryin' not to drink.
- Why?
- Health reasons.
Don't be a twat, Stace.
Sorry.
I do like it in here, David.
I like what you've done
with the place.
And I mean, you've got it all here
at your fingertips.
They're a bit hit and miss,
them showers, aren't they?
All right, Bryn! Stace!
Hiya!
Hello, Neil. Mr Film Star!
Hey, I saw you the other day.
Lark Rise To Candleford!
You were in the background.
Oh, yeah, with the geese!
I mean, it says something
about that programme
that I was actually watching you.
That show, in my opinion,
is all about the dresses, the hats,
the bonnets and what-have-you.
I don't care what anyone says,
it's not the same
without Dawn French.
I know. We watch it all the time.
I don't really understand
what they're sayin', to be honest.
What you still doin' here, anyway?
I thought you'd gone.
Yeah, well, I'll be headin' off now
in a minute.
Hey, Ness, if it's nice tomorrow
we could have a little barbecue.
- What d'you reckon?
- Well, I won't be here, will I?
I'm goin' up Essex with Stace,
takin' the baby Neil
to see his father.
It's the first I've heard of it.
- I told you the other night.
- No, you never.
Oh, Dave, I told you Tuesday night!
- When?
- When you were asleep.
Well, thanks very much
for the invite(!)
No, that's the thing.
You're not invited.
- I was being sarcastic.
- He was being sarcastic.
What it is, we're goin' to a spa,
we are,
and all the boys are playin' golf
and Pete and Dawn arranged it.
Yes, and the last time you saw Pete,
you called him Scrappy Doo
and he punched you in the face.
Great. So I'm all on my own, then,
am I?
No, you're all right, Dave.
Look, I tell you what,
I'll stay down here with you.
We'll have the whole weekend
together,
go the clubhouse, couple of cans,
I got some porn in the back
of the cart, it'll be crackin'.
(HONKS)
Hiya!
Hiya. All right?
Look at you, Little Miss Cafe Marco!
Congratulations!
Thanks, babe.
- All right, Gav?
- All right.
Gav! Keep it down, will you?
Sorry, is the baby sleepin'?
It's not that, it's them lot.
The Welshies.
They get a sniff
of an English accent on the site,
they'll come out and lynch you.
Nice.
Right, you'll take care
of my little boy now, won't you, Gav?
Course I will.
His dad's my best mate.
Right, I'll give you a ring
when we get there, OK?
Oh, Dave, I got DVD, VHS or some
lovely stuff on Betamax,
if you fancy.
I know! I've seen one! I've seen it!
It's got like a... Like a...
A man with a flute on the front.
Riding an elephant.
Try the messy drawer.
I've looked in the messy drawer.
We keep ours by the Yellow Pages.
That's it! That's the pony.
The Yellow Pages.
Pete, stand down your troops.
The search is over.
A menu has been found.
The delights of Bombay Spice
shall grace our table tonight!
I don't know why they keep
sending those Yellow Pages.
Our last three are still
in the plastic.
We just use the internet now
if we wanna find anything.
Yeah, I'll tell you what
we've started using - AQA.
What's that?
Any Question Answer.
Yeah, you can ask it anything
and it'll give you the answer.
You know, like what's the weather
gonna be like tomorrow?
What's the football score...
Yeah! What was it
you asked them the other night?
Should I divorce you?
That was it.
No! What did it say?
I'll tell you what it said,
I've got it here.
Right, here we go, I asked it,
"Should Pete divorce Dawn?"
And quick as a flash
they came back with,
"Yes, Pete should divorce Dawn
"if he is not happy with her
and feels the relationship
is not going anywhere.
"But they should try
working at things first
"and divorce
should be a last resort."
- So that's we're doin'.
- That's what we're gonna do.
It's ever so good. We're even
thinkin of renewin' our vows.
Oh, that'll be nice!
Right, I got it. What do we fancy?
Lamb pasanda.
Can we get lamb pasanda?
Yeah, I already got that.
And how we gonna do it?
Havin' our own or shall we all...
Yeah, I think so, let's.
And then we can all just...
Yeah. And we should ring Gavin
and check with them,
cos I'm not havin'
what happened last time.
What's that?
- He ordered all the hot things...
- It wasn't that hot!
Michael, people were in tears,
their noses were streamin',
it was awful.
He's got the chillies, the extra
chillies, the jalapenos...
- And Smithy...
- He likes them hot!
He could barely see! He was sweatin'
like a horse! Everyone was!
And the next day,
everyone was pumping and trumping!
It was terrible!
(LAUGHTER)
Here, look. Pass me the phone.
I'll ring Gav.
Aw, he's really starting to look
like Smithy, isn't he?
- Yeah, I thought that,
around the mouth.
- Around the chin.
Ness, is it weird
when you see Smithy?
Like, do you think,
"Oh, my God! I've had sex with him"?
Stace, if I thought that every time
I saw a man I'd had sex with,
I'd never get anything done.
(MOBILE RINGS)
It's Dad. Will you talk to him?
I haven't got the Bluetooth.
Hello?
Who's that? Is that you, Ness?
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
What's it to you?
Oh, sorry. Look, is Gav there?
It's his dad.
Oh, all right, Mick?
What's occurrin'?
Hiya! I thought it was you.
We're just orderin' this Indian
and we wondered
what everyone wanted.
They're orderin' a curry.
Who wants what?
Oh, can I have a korma? Is a korma
borin'? I know it's boring.
Gav, will you laugh at me
if I have a korma?
Course I won't.
I think I'm gonna have...
Hang on, is Mum gettin' a pasanda?
Is Mum gettin' a pasanda?
- Yeah, lamb.
- Yes. Lamb.
Right, in that case
I'll have a king prawn balti.
OK, I got that. What about you, Ness?
If they got it,
I'll have a Jamdhani Haash.
- I'll see if they've got it
on the menu.
- Jamdhani Haash?!
- I've never heard of that,
what is it?
- Duck, it is, Gav. Cooked in honey.
And limes. Immense.
- Yeah? It's OK. I've got that.
- What about naan bread?
- Smithy'll want a keema naan.
- I want a bhaji. Can I have a bhaji?
Oh, Mick, what's the situation
with poppadums, bhajis, naans?
Yeah, hang on a minute.
What we doin' about bhajis
and things, you know,
poppadums and naan breads?
- We'll just put that in the middle.
- We'll each help ourselves.
It's sorted.
And tell him not to get
all that hot stuff.
Gav said don't get the hot stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Mick, I'm gonna go,
this is borin' me.
We forgot the sag aloo.
Text Mum and say, "Sag aloo."
Right, let's see where we're up to.
What we got so far?
We have lamb pasanda, beef Madras,
chicken jalfrezi, no tomatoes.
- No tomatoes.
- Gavin wants a king prawn balti.
Hello, Smithy.
Bonjour, mes amis. Comment
allez-vous? Je m'appelle Smithez.
- What's that, French?
- Your instincts serve you well,
Peter.
Or should I say Pierre?
What you on about?
What's with the lingo?
Lucy's pen friend's
over from the Dordogne,
can't speak a word of English
so I'm throwin' it in whenever I can.
Or in other words, Dawn,
quelle est la date
de ton anniversaire?
We're gettin' an Indian.
What d'you fancy?
Chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna,
prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bag
of chips, keema naan
and nine poppadums.
- We'll just stick it
on the table and...
- Whoa. Right. OK.
What is it about a group of people
orderin' an Indian or Chinese
that it's somehow unexpectable to eat
your own food that you order
yourself.
Like, why do we have to...?
Why do we all just...?
Well, because it's nice.
No, it's not for me.
Because I guarantee
someone, probably Stacey,
will have ordered a korma.
Am I wrong, Mick? Am I wrong?
No, she has actually...
Exactly. And in my book
a korma's pointless, it's futile.
I won't touch it. But I can guarantee
Pete's already eyeing up my bhunas?
Am I wrong?
Pete, have you thought about
my bhunas?
- Well, yes, I probably have...
- But they're my bhunas.
- That's why I've ordered two bhunas.
- Three, actually.
- Calm down.
- No. I've had enough of it.
Last week, had a Chinese
with Chinese and his missus,
they were dippin' in mine
goin', "Yours is really nice!"
I'm like, "Yes, it is!
That's why I ordered it!"
Forget it, I want no part of it,
I'll order mine, eat it in the car.
I'm out.
(PHONE BLEEPS)
Sag aloo. Sag aloo!
I'd like a sag aloo as well,
please, Mick.
Gav, listen,
I've been thinkin' about it
and I reckon we should try
and do it once, maybe twice
before the food arrives.
- Eh?
- Look, you're havin' a curry
which means you'll drink beer and get
drunk and then you'll have problems.
- But two? They've already ordered!
- Don't flatter yourself, Gav.
Oh! I thought it was you, Dad thought
it might've been the food.
Hiya, Ness!
- Ah, hello, Neil!
- All right, Pam, how's it goin'?
And there he is, my little
Prince of Wales...and the Princess.
Oh, come here, you two,
I've missed you.
Phew, Mum, are you drunk?
Not drunk drunk,
but I've had some wines.
Hey, there's my little boy. Hiya!
You all right?
- Yeah. You?
- Yeah.
- Gavlar!
- How are you, all right?
- I'm good. It's nice to see you.
- You too, mate.
- Come on in, it's freezing out here.
- Yeah, come on, Gav.
There he is.
- Hiya, Mick.
- How are you, darlin'?
Hello, son, good to have you back.
Gav, I'm just gonna go and...
y'know...do that thing...
- OK, I'll be there now.
- Gavin! Darling, come here.
- You look so different.
- Yeah, you do.
- You've grown. How are you, son?
- I'm really good!
How's the job going, you settled in?
Er, yeah, yeah, really enjoying it.
I just need to...
Oh, I've missed you!
Haven't I, Pete?
Yeah! We've both been surprised
by how much we've missed you!
Come on, let's get you a drink.
Come on.
Yeah, you got a bit of
catchin' up to do.
- Gav?
- I'll just take these bags upstairs.
- No, leave that till later.
- Nah, I'll do it now.
Come and have a drink.
- We got Kingfishers for the curry.
- Nice!
I'm sorry, babe, it's just...
Right. I'm gonna go the toilet.
You give it ten seconds
then follow me,
and do a funny knock or something
so I know it's you.
I'm not doin'
it in the downstairs toilet.
Why can't we wait till later?
No, Gav! We've already missed
one chance today,
I'm not missing another.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
There's the food.
MICK: That'll be the curry. Whoo-hoo!
Right, Dawn, jalfrezi, no tomatoes.
Lamb pasanda,
I haven't got my lamb pasanda.
There you go, there you go.
(LAUGHING)
- More wine?
- Here's yours, darlin'.
You all right there, mate?
You're all sorted, you got yours(?)
It's the lowest form of wit, Gav.
Oh, this looks lush!
Oh, you got changed, darlin'.
Yeah, comfier for the curry.
Anyone sitting 'ere?
No, I don't think so.
What you got there?
Jamdhani Haash.
Yeah, I'm gonna try
a bit of that later.
- Oh, you ordered
the same thing, Mick?
- No, but I...
Look, this is my dish.
I ordered it. End of. I'm eatin' it.
Thank you! At last,
somebody talking sense!
See, it isn't just me.
Right, how are we for drinks?
I'll have a white wine.
Uno baguette, don biero, please.
No, I'm sticking to pop,
I'm looking after Neil tonight,
give Nessa a break.
Cheers, Stace, I appreciates it.
By rights, none of us should
be drinking,
not with us having
detox facials tomorrow.
- I can't wait.
- That's the point!
I haven't washed my face for a week
just so's I can feel the benefit.
Oh, I meant to say, has anybody
got a spare glove?
- I can't find mine anywhere.
- Yeah, I got one.
- Is yours the white Calloway one?
- That's the one.
- Yeah, it's in my bag!
- Is it?
- Pete, show 'em your new hat!
- Yeah, I got a new hat!
I got him his hat off the internet.
It's personalised -
got his little name on it
Oh, that's nice!
Yeah, it's ever so good, they do
all sorts, T-shirts, hats...
Well, it's just hats
and T-shirts, really.
I can't wait to get out
there tomorrow,
I ain't played a full 18 in months!
Do they play golf in Wales?
Yeah!
And tennis. Ian Woosnam's Welsh.
No!
Do you want
a little knife and fork, darling?
No. When I lived in Mumbai I ate
like this mornin', noon and dinner.
You lived in India?
Yeah.
I was personal assistant to Om Puri.
Oh, I like him! And I don't
normally go for, you know...
Yeah, he's a great man.
Some say the best in Bollywood.
But he had to fire me.
I did the one thing
he asked me not to do.
What?
I made it sexual, Pam.
I was only there three months,
between us we directed
over 200 films.
Now all I've got to remind me
of Om is this Jamdhani Haash
and a VHS copy of East Is East.
Da-dah!
(CHEERING)
"Peter Sutcliffe loves golf!"
Chug! Chug!
Go on, Gavin! Go on, Gavin!
Go on, Gavin!
Go on! Go on!
Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh!
Bloody hell, Mum,
I'm not even nearly finished!
Well, you shouldn't
challenge me, then.
Gavin, you are the loser!
Therefore you must therefore pay
the penalty.
Down in one, please.
Oh, Smith, rack me up one of
them while your at it, will you?
- A pleasure, Miss Jenkins.
Anyone else?
- Tidy.
PM Dawn. There we go.
Right, I'm gonna see if Neil
will go back down now, OK?
Gav, you gonna come with me?
- Nah, you're all right.
- Gav?!
Oh, yeah. Yes! Of course.
- Nah, give him here, I'll do it.
- No, it's OK.
- No, I wanna put my son to bed.
- Oh, right...
- Come on, you. Let's go to bed.
- Gav, you comin' for a fag?
- Yeah go on, then.
- Where you goin'?
For a smoke.
Oh, I might fancy a fag.
- Pam!
- Come on, Dawn, let's have a ciggie.
What you on going about?!
You don't smoke!
You haven't smoked since 1981.
- I know, but I just fancy it.
- Go on, then.
I think I might have a fag,
actually.
- Yeah, and me.
- I've never seen you smoke, Pete!
There's a lot you don't
know about me, Michael.
I think there's a lot
I don't want to know, mate.
I could tell you
a few things about him.
Oh, my Christ!
Dawn, you all right?
I'm fine! I'm fine!
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
- I think we all need
to slow down a bit.
- Chill out, Grandad.
- Oh, it is disgusting, mind.
- Exactly!
I'm quite enjoying it, to be honest.
Mind you,
I have had a couple recently.
I had one with Japanese Margaret
at work last week.
- Menthol.
- Ah!
Pete, what are you doing?
What?
(ALL HOWL WITH LAUGHTER)
Oh, yeah!
Doughnut!
I hardly ever smoke these days,
do I, Gav?
No, you don't. It don't suit you,
really.
He's right, Stace.
Some people were just born to smoke.
You...you look a fool!
(LAUGHS)
Pam! You're smoking!
What the hell's going on?
I know, mate.
The whole night, it's turned.
Yes, it has.
Can I remind everyone,
we are all supposed
to be playing golf tomorrow morning?
- Oh, give it a rest!
- Boring!
Oh, stuff the lot of you!
Come on, let me have a puff of that.
(HE SPLUTTERS)
Ah-hoo-hoo!
Pam, you got any vodka?
Smithy, darling,
let's do some shots!
Shots!
(ALL CHEER)
(THEY SING "DO THE CONGA",
BY BLACK LACE)
# Da-da-da
# Da-da-da... #
(LAUGHTER)
(# MADNESS: House Of Fun)
(THEY WHOOP AND LAUGH)
# N-N-N-No, no, miss,
you misunderstood
# 16, big boy
# Full pint in my manhood
# I'm up to date and the date's today
# So if you'll serve
I'll be on my way
# Welcome to the house of fun
now I've come of age
# Welcome to the lion's den
now temptation's on his way
# Welcome to the house of fun. #
Oh, can you keep it down a bit?
Not for me, for Neil.
Don't worry, Stace.
He's like his dad!
When he sleeps, he sleeps.
Yeah, don't worry about it, Stace.
He lives in a caravan.
He's used to all sorts.
Gav, can I have a word
with you for a minute?
- Yeah, hang on,
let me just finish...
- No, now!
(SHE CHUCKLES)
Oh! I'm the man! Wey-hey!
# ..It's quicker if you run
# This is a chemist not a joke shop
# Party hats
Simple enough, clear... #
God, I love you,
I really, really love you.
You don't have to be romantic,
all right? We just got
to do it quiet cos of Neil.
Yeah, come on, let's do it,
let's make a baby.
I'm just checking a minute.
Yeah, he's fine.
Right...
(SIGHS)
(BEEPING)
Oh, my God.
Stace.
Stace!
Oh, my God!
(PHONE VIBRATES AND BEEPS)
All right?
Morning.
(SHE SIGHS)
# Tell me tomorrow
I'll wait by the window for you
# I'll wait by your big house
for you
# I'll wait by the squeezebox
for you. #