Gavin & Stacey (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Gwen's birthday is coming up and Bryn wants to organize a surprise party for her but is dismayed that nobody seems to want to come, so he has to consider asking people she dislikes. Eventually he manages to get together a line-dancing evening, where he and Nessa perform 'Islands in the Stream' but the real surprise of the evening is the unexpected arrival of Stacey's musician brother Jason. For Gavin the shock of the night is when Stacey tells him she feels isolated in Essex and is leaving him to remain in Wales.
I'm a bit homesick.
Come on! Not this all the time.
Stacey, can we talk
about this? I want to go home.
Do you mean Barry Island
or Mum and Dad's,
where we actually live?
Grow up, Gav! Me grow up?!
You can't spend
five minutes away from your family!
Do you want the corn on the cob?
When I look at it there...
all hot and dripping in butter,
just...inviting me in.
I've got a real hankering for it.
Oh, God!
So, shall we...? Yep.
Yes! Nessa told me!
D'you think he'll still come to
your mum's party? He better.
Bryn's already low on numbers.
Smithy hasn't told me
and it happened a month ago!
We played football last week.
He never mentioned it!
Did you get my email?
What? I sent you an email.
No, which one d'you send it to?
Your Hotmail.
I ain't checked, I'll just
open it now. It's lush it is, babe.
It's a new-build, two bedrooms
and it's in our price range. Really?
Yeah. And it's got a bit
of a garden.
Great, sounds incredible!
It's in Barry.
I know but...
No, Stace. You've gotta stop.
We're not living in Barry.
Why?
You know why and I'm not gonna
keep going over this every day.
I've got to work.
What you doin' today?
Nothing, Gav. I'll just be here.
OK, then, right, speak to you later.
SHE SIGHS
I'm sorry, mate. I just hoped I
could pretend it never happened.
Why did you do it?
I don't know! It's been a
while since I been at the crease!
But you don't even like her, do ya?
No, but she just SUCKS me in.
She's like a Dyson. Before you know
it, I'm head down, gunning for it.
I don't understand how it
came about.
You weren't even drinking.
That's what makes it worse.
So, what happened?
Oh...
There was this whole thing
with corn on the cobs and butter
and it just...
What?! She didn't...?
NO!!!
Really? Yes!!!
Given what happened
in the ensuite...
What is the rule? What?
WHAT IS THE RULE?
That we don't
mention the toilet brush.
I reckon you've told people.
Who?!
Dunno but there's
some grafitti on a toilet brush,
at the Rose and Crown,
which I reckon is aimed at me.
What's it say? "Smithy was 'ere."
Don't laugh! I had to get rid of it.
Well, what you gonna be like when
you see her tomorrow at the party?
Is it Gwen's suprise thing this...?
Great(!) I need that like
a hole in the bollock.
You gotta come.
Why'd she tell Stacey?
She said she wouldn't tell anyone!
Well, I can see why you did it.
I can't.
He's a lovely lookin' boy.
Not in the conventional sense
like Gavin or Enrique Iglesias.
But he's got a lovely spirit.
A confidence, if you will,
that you rarely find in a fat man.
How's the arrangements coming along?
I tell you, I nearly got
caught out the other day!
I been thinking it was a mistake,
making it a SURPRISE bash.
I'm on eggshells
whenever I'm around her.
I jump when the phone rings,
I'm terrified that Doris is
gonna put her foot in it.
Sometimes I want to say,
"To heck with it, Gwen.
"You're havin' a barn dance
to celebrate your birthday.
Please try and look surprised."
Because I can't take it any more.
You gotta think how good you'll
feel when the lights go on and
she sees all them smilin' faces.
That's if anyone's there.
I've had a lot of rejections.
And I gotta be honest,
I thought Gwen had more friends.
Have you invited them all
from Swansea? Yes!
The Uplands Crew,
the Mumbles Massive.
But nobody's coming
in great numbers.
It's got to the point
where I'm inviting people I know
she doesn't even like!
Not Jean?
Oh, Bryn.
She'll be fine.
Hello?
Hello?
Pam, what are you doin'?
Oh, my Christ.
I didn't know you were in!
You're eating ham, Pam!
Thank God you came in.
I crumbled. I'm so weak. Pam!
No, don't look at me.
Pam! I'm disgusting.
Pam, are you really a vegetarian?
Yes, I just...
I've seen you.
What d'you mean?
A scotch egg here, a bit o' bacon
there, putting those regular
sausages in the Linda McCartney box.
I didn't wanna say nothin'...
Do you think ill of me, my child?
No, of course not!
I just get these cravings, you know?
I had four cheeseburgers the
other day with big fat Sue.
We ate them in a car wash.
Don't beat yourself up, Pam.
Promise me, thou shall speak
of this to no-one.
What you on about? Swear it!
Forsake me not.
Pam, I don't understand
what you're sayin'.
Just don't tell anyone, all right?
Hiya! Hiya luv.
All right, you two?
Yeah, we're just chewin' the fat,
ain't we, Stace?
Stace, you shouldn't wave this
under Pam's nose. You know how she
feels about people eating meat.
Bryn's been on the blower all day.
Is he all right?
He sounds like this party's
giving him a breakdown.
Yeah, cos he's doin' it on his own.
But we'll get there by 12
and can help.
Is Gavin going down with you now?
Yeah, why? I thought we were all
going down together, about 3 o'clock.
Smithy doesn't finish till two.
He's sealing Dawn's shower tray.
It's the first I've heard!
I presumed he was comin' with me.
How am I supposed to get down there?
Well, can't you go on the train?
Oh, great(!)
GAV!
Just don't start World War II.
There's enough rows goes on
in this house as it is.
What does that mean?
Just saying.
What's up? Just a bit
of confusion.
OVER EACH OTHER:
Are you coming with me... We thought
you were going with us....
What? Hang on!
Right, sorry, Mum, what did you say?
No, listen to me a minute!
Oh, charming(!) Pam, stay out of it.
No, you stay out of it!
Are you taking me in the morning
or are you going with them lot
in the afternoon?
It's silly taking two cars.
We should go later.
Fine, if that's what you want.
Oh, come on. Fine!
Don't be like that.
It's all right, Gav.
It's just the way it is.
What is? Us. I'm gonna get
the train times.
Stacey!
I can't take much more
of this, Mick.
What? It's like living in Hollyoaks.
What you actually
knitting there, Ness?
A dress. For the baby?
No, for me.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hey! I'll get it. Crikey, Bryn!
What is wrong with him, Ness?
He's been like this for weeks.
Bryn. Now, I got the keys.
Keep it down! What?
Shut up, man! She's only
the other side of that glass.
All right. Cool head now.
Here's the keys,
but there's a few housekeeping
rules.
Fire away.
The hall is yours
from 8 o'clock tomorrow morning
till the following 1 am.
You MUST leave it in the
same condition as you find it.
There must be no smoking,
no narcotics
and no guns.
Outside of that, anything goes.
Right. Thank you
and thank the boys at the rotary.
We'll be seein' you tomorrow
of course?
It's tricky. Is Doris going?
Well, yes! Why?
She's not returning my calls, Bryn.
I haven't spoken to her for days.
She's rejected me as a
friend on Facebook.
I don't know where I stand.
Look, you've got to remember,
Doris is a player.
You should see her outfit.
She's dressin' to impress,
I'll tell you that.
Hiya, Ted! Come in! Come in!
Say, "No".
Do it!
No. Oh.
Say "Goodbye".
Goodbye.
Leave. Bryn?
NOW!
Well, he wasn't very friendly.
Is there something wrong with him?
Oh, Gwen, get off the guy's back.
He didn't want to talk to you,
deal with it!
Get over it, Gwen.
Are we havin' this cup of tea?
Well, there's something funny
going on in this house.
I'm a mess, Ness.
You gotta keep it together, Bryn.
Less than 24 hours to go.
I know...
but I'm bein' tetchy.
I trust no-one. It's like bein'
in the Big Brother house.
PHONE RINGS
I got it. No, you're OK.
I said I got it!
Hello.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hiya. Are you at the station?
Right, your mother will be
meeting you any second now
and I cannot stress to you enough how
she must be kept away at all costs.
And don't be late, cos I don't want
her wanderin' round
gettin wind of what's goin' down,
people chattin' to her
and what have you,
because this is the talk of the town.
Do you understand? Are you sur..?
Right, I gotta go, I got
another call coming in.
Hello?
Jean!
Yes, yes, we're all looking
forward to seeing you, yes!
But I must warn you,
any nonsense and you'll have to go.
Well, then you'll
be forcibly removed.
I gotta go, Jean.
You see that is what I mean,
that is rude.
STACEY SQUEALS
Hello, stranger! Welcome home.
Happy birthday! I got your present
in my bag.
Oh, that's nice. Do you want
to get a taxi or shall we walk?
Walk, shall we? Yeah.
DOORBELL RINGS
Smithster!
# You've got to hold and
give but do it at the right time
# You can be slow or fast
but you must get to the line
# They'll always hit you
and hurt you
# Defend and attack
# There's only one way to beat
them and that's around the back
# So catch me if you can
Cos I'm the England man
# Du-uh duh... #
Oh, what is it? What is it?
# Three lions on my chest
You know we can't go wrong
# We're singing for England
# EN-GER-LAND! #
Bra bra bra-bra-bra
Brap brap brap brap!
Boo! Boo!
What time we leavin'? Fourish?
You eaten? Had some crunchy nuts.
Want some more?
You having some?
Don't mind if I do.
ALL: Don't mind if I don't!
There you are, luv.
Did you want some lunch or
something? Maybe. What you havin'?
Ooh, I dunno.
SAME TIME: An omelette?
An omelette?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, Stace? Hiya!
Got any batteries, Gwen?
I don't know, what sort?
Two double A's.
I don't think I have.
I'll take 'em out the remote, then.
You can have 'em back in ten.
What you doin'?
Just havin' a bit of me time.
Any news on the job or the flat?
Not really. It's gettin' me down
a bit to be honest.
Is it, luv?
I thought you seemed low.
I think I'm just missin' home, I am.
It'd be all right if I had a job.
I know. It must be ever so hard.
I'm with Pam all day.
She tries her best.
We go fencin' and karate and stuff
but all I seem to do is sit around
waitin' for Gavin to come home.
I just feel a bit useless.
Oh, come on now.
You made the choice to live there.
You gotta give it time.
I don't think I did.
I just went along.
Livin' here was never an option,
Gavin wouldn't...
Cheers for that, Gwen. I didn't
need it in the end, as it goes.
So what's occurring, Stace?
She's not feelin' too good.
No, I'm fine. Really, I am.
D'you tell her about the card?
No! Guess who I got a
card from this mornin'? Who?
BOTH: Jean! No!
Yes! The cheek of the woman!
I put it straight in the bin
and thought,
"If I see that evil witch,
God knows what I'll say."
Best thing you can do is go up,
be polite, give her a kiss.
A kiss? A kiss?!
I didn't kiss her when we did it!
I've never kissed her!
Bloody hell, Smithy, your life!
Maybe you're meant
to be together. Oh, do me a flavour!
There's obviously an attraction.
No, there isn't. Is there, Gav?
No. There is no attraction between
him and the mother of his child.
Well, a sexual connection then.
You've obviously got
a sexual connection.
Loose connection more like.
I haven't got any money for
the bridge. You got any cash?
I got a couple of quid.
Don't they take cards?
Nah, cash only.
What?
Who doesn't take cards nowadays?
It's ridiculous. Everywhere takes
cards. Drive-thrus, Nando's,
if it's over a fiver.
They take cards on the M6 toll.
Do they?
I've got three quid and some
shrapnel. How much is it?
Five pound ten.
BOTH: Five pound ten pence!
I mean, why not make it
either five or six?
All right, Ness?
All right, Dave? You're lookin good.
Cheers. What you drinkin'?
A Capri Sun. Maybe I'll join you.
Maybe you should.
Maybe I will.
I've said to people,
7.45 is the cut-off.
She's getting here at eight so if
you can't by here by quarter to,
then leave it till quarter past.
That way there'll be no shenanigans.
No danger of her bumping into anyone
in the car park or what have you.
What in God's name is Jean doin'
here, Bryn? She just staggered in.
I know. I invited her, all right?
What? You dickhead.
Doris, I was low on numbers.
I had no choice.
I hope to God Gwen hasn't
had a drink when she sees her
cos there'll be all hell to pay.
Please don't stress me out.
I'm a nervous wreck as it is.
We'll just have to keep them apart.
Oh, chillax, Bryn.
Get a beer down you.
I'm not gonna stir things up.
Thanks, Dor. I appreciate it.
Jean!
Oh, my God, look at you!
Nice outfit, Bryn!
Howdy pardners!
Welcome to the ho...
I can't do the accent, Pam.
It's this get-up.
I feel like I want to be called Tex.
Well, you look lovely, darlin'!
All it is, right, I put it
together myself, it isn't hired.
I bought the hat, this is just
a big hanky and these...
these are just a pair
of denim jeans, Mick.
I feel like a member of Bewitched.
So where are the boys?
They're just outside. What?
What are you doin'?
All right, Bryn.
Hey, it's Woody from Toy Story!
Don't get smart with me, Columbo.
What if Gwen and Stacey went by
and saw you two? Eh?
What? Get inside. Now!
Come on!
Have I got time for the loo? NO!
Bloody hell, Bryn!
Look, no-one is going to
ruin this surprise, all right?
Bryn, calm down, mate,
you'll give yourself a heart attack.
Ted! What the hell are you doin'?!
Get in here!
Sorry, I'm late.
Right...
If anyone is expecting friends, will
you please phone them and explain...?
What it was, they've closed Plassey
Street, see, and there's no
diversion and I was bursting...
Oh, Lord, they're here.
Right, everybody, into position.
Doris, lights. Band, stage.
Ted! Please be quiet.
Everybody stand still,
nobody make a sound!
SCREAMS: Ted! Shut up!
Jesus! Look at the size of that.
Well, she is six months pregnant.
I know but come on,
that's ridiculous.
She's lookin at me, right at me.
So? Shit.
SURPRISE!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
SURPRISE!
YES!
Get this on, birthday girl!
AMERICAN ACCENT: You're havin'
a barn dance.
LAUGHTER
Oh, thank you so much!
What the hell is Jean doin' here?!
OK, is everybody happy with that?
I'll give you two minutes
to sort yourselves out.
I'll never get the hang of this.
Yes, you will! Course you will.
It's in, out, walk, walk, walk.
In, out, walk, walk, walk.
Are you all right
with that now, Dor? Yes.
And are you partnered up?
Oh, Ted, for Christ's sake, change
the record. You're just needy man.
I was only askin'.
Only askin'. You're only pokin' me
every day on Facebook.
You're only followin' me round
Costcutter, or Lidl... It's just...
No. We were never exclusive.
And I don't need this heavy shit.
So, shut up and show me the moves.
Sorry, Pam.
Mick, what am I gonna do about that?
Well, you could try
calling her Nessa for a start.
But what do I say?
How do I play this?
I dunno.
Oh, come on, you've done this
loads of times. Eh?
Everyone knows you were
a dirty dog in your day.
Just play it cool, trigger.
Are you part of this formation
or what?
Yeah, sorry. Look, just, go up,
ask about the baby, break
the ice, that's all you need to do.
Mick...you're a dream.
Hi.
All right?
Yeah, I'm good. You?
Yeah. Good.
This is Dave. Do you know Dave?
No. Hello, mate.
Smithy. All right?
So, is everything all right with...?
Yeah. Good. Great.
Right, well.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
And the look on her face when
she walked through that door.
She wasn't happy to see Jean.
Now, this whole Jean thing is
getting out of hand. Who's Jean?
You know, the one with
Mum and the scissors.
She's HERE? Oh, my God!!
Who's Dave?
What's with him and her?
They're just friends. They've always
liked each other an' that.
Friends with benefits,
I think they call it, Smithy!
Oh, my God. Jean's heading
for your mother. Jean! Jean!
I'm gonna do some shots.
Want some?
Smithy, are you jealous?
Pff! No. I feel for the bloke.
Couple of sambuccas?
Nah, we gotta get up early
and drive back. All right.
What you on about? We were gonna
stay the whole weekend.
I want to get back
and so do Mum and Dad.
Great, so I don't get
any time with anyone?
You're seein' everyone tonight,
aren't you?
Hardly. I've not even
spoken to Ness.
That isn't my fault.
I'd like to spend time at home.
You had all day.
You didn't leave till four.
God. I didn't realise it
was such a big deal! It is!
Stay here then. What?
Don't come back with us.
And are you happy with that?
Well, you don't have anything
to rush back for.
OK, are we all ready? Gents, put
your ladies on your right-hand side.
MUSIC STARTS
Jump out...in...one, two, three
and turn, out...in...
one, two, three.
Right arm.
And the left arm.
Clap to your partner...
Together,
right, together, left,
together, right,
together, left, and dozy doe.
Swing your partner.
Now keep those movements
in your mind,
because you're gonna
do them again in a minute.
Here's Doris to tell you more
about it. Welcome, Doris!
APPLAUSE
Now, we've got a special guest
for this number,
well, two special guests
who haven't performed together
since Judith's funeral in '96.
Let's hear it for Bryn and Nessa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, everyone.
Gwen, this one is for you.
It was you and Trevor's
favourite song and it is dedicated
to the pair of you.
And as a footnote to that
I'd just like to add,
that I'm not just singing
this for you, Gwen, or Trevor.
I was but now I'm singing it
for another someone special,
who's come back into my life
recently and I wanna thank him
for everything he's done.
So this is for you...
Dave.
# Baby, when I met you
There was peace, I know
# I set out to get you
With a fine tooth comb
# I was soft inside
There was something going on
# You did something to me
that I can't explain
# Hold me closer and I feel no pain
# Every beat of my heart
we've got something going on
# Tender love is blind
# It requires a dedication.
# All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
# We ride it together
Uh-huh
# Making love with each other
Uh-huh
# Islands in the stream
That is what we are
# No one in between
How can we be wrong?
# Sail away with me
To another world
# And we'll rely on each other
Uh-huh
# From one lover to another
Uh... #
Hello, Jason.
Uncle Bryn.
So when you going back?
Oh, thanks! I've only just got here!
You know what I meant!
A couple of weeks,
if that's OK.
Oh. But I'm not down again
till the end of the month.
Well, maybe I could come up
and see you. Yeah.
Well, I'll have to check with Pam,
maybe.
Yes, Gay Jay! Wooo!
I tell you what, I am loving the
barn dancing. I'm all over it.
All right, Smithy. Hiya, Gav.
How's it going?
I was thinking about you...
We're just heading out for a fag,
actually.
A fag-leje, Jean Peterson! Adieu.
See you in a bit, then.
So, how you findin' the...
Hang on a minute, Jase.
You could have warned me!
He's my brother! He should be here!
I thought of inviting him
but I didn't think he'd come.
He's gay. It's a barn dance.
Of course he's gonna come.
I know what they're all thinking,
I can hear them whispering.
Four times I heard the words,
"fishing trip".
Now you're being paranoid!
No-one knows about that.
That bloody fishin' trip, Bryn.
When's it gonna end, eh? Night, all.
Gav, I need to talk to you. Yeah?
On our own.
Yeah.
So I have to go, do I? Hideous.
What's up? You OK? Not really, no.
Oh, sorry. Do you really
mind me going back early?
Jason was tryin' to talk to you
and you ignored him.
No, I didn't. I said hello.
And you said you'd come down with me
this morning,
and for some reason
changed your mind.
Oh, come on. You're over-reacting.
Am I?
See. I don't think I am.
Cos since we got married,
my family and my home,
is just not important any more.
Of course it is.
And I don't think you realise
how much I miss bein' here, Gav.
Cos I do.
I really miss it, every day.
Aw, come here. I'm sorry.
No, I'm pissed off!
I was looking forward to tonight.
It's all that's kept me going.
But you don't care, cos you've got
your home, your family,
nothing's changed for you.
When we get our own place...
We're not getting our own place.
I don't wanna live with Mum and Dad.
If we were gonna rent it'd be
something. I don't want to rent.
It's just throwing money away.
You keep saying that.
I'm just looking ahead.
Gavin, you're so busy
looking ahead
that you can't even see
what's happening today, now!
What's this all about?
I feel like I'm all on my own.
What?
I'm really lonely.
I think it's better if I stay.
That's what you need.
A couple of days. Jason's here.
No. I think it's better
if I stay here.
I'm sorry, Gav,
but I'm not coming back.
That's what I mean. It'll do you
good
and I'll pick you up on Friday...
Gavin, you're not listenin' to me.
I don't want to live there any more.
I'm moving back home.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
Come on! Not this all the time.
Stacey, can we talk
about this? I want to go home.
Do you mean Barry Island
or Mum and Dad's,
where we actually live?
Grow up, Gav! Me grow up?!
You can't spend
five minutes away from your family!
Do you want the corn on the cob?
When I look at it there...
all hot and dripping in butter,
just...inviting me in.
I've got a real hankering for it.
Oh, God!
So, shall we...? Yep.
Yes! Nessa told me!
D'you think he'll still come to
your mum's party? He better.
Bryn's already low on numbers.
Smithy hasn't told me
and it happened a month ago!
We played football last week.
He never mentioned it!
Did you get my email?
What? I sent you an email.
No, which one d'you send it to?
Your Hotmail.
I ain't checked, I'll just
open it now. It's lush it is, babe.
It's a new-build, two bedrooms
and it's in our price range. Really?
Yeah. And it's got a bit
of a garden.
Great, sounds incredible!
It's in Barry.
I know but...
No, Stace. You've gotta stop.
We're not living in Barry.
Why?
You know why and I'm not gonna
keep going over this every day.
I've got to work.
What you doin' today?
Nothing, Gav. I'll just be here.
OK, then, right, speak to you later.
SHE SIGHS
I'm sorry, mate. I just hoped I
could pretend it never happened.
Why did you do it?
I don't know! It's been a
while since I been at the crease!
But you don't even like her, do ya?
No, but she just SUCKS me in.
She's like a Dyson. Before you know
it, I'm head down, gunning for it.
I don't understand how it
came about.
You weren't even drinking.
That's what makes it worse.
So, what happened?
Oh...
There was this whole thing
with corn on the cobs and butter
and it just...
What?! She didn't...?
NO!!!
Really? Yes!!!
Given what happened
in the ensuite...
What is the rule? What?
WHAT IS THE RULE?
That we don't
mention the toilet brush.
I reckon you've told people.
Who?!
Dunno but there's
some grafitti on a toilet brush,
at the Rose and Crown,
which I reckon is aimed at me.
What's it say? "Smithy was 'ere."
Don't laugh! I had to get rid of it.
Well, what you gonna be like when
you see her tomorrow at the party?
Is it Gwen's suprise thing this...?
Great(!) I need that like
a hole in the bollock.
You gotta come.
Why'd she tell Stacey?
She said she wouldn't tell anyone!
Well, I can see why you did it.
I can't.
He's a lovely lookin' boy.
Not in the conventional sense
like Gavin or Enrique Iglesias.
But he's got a lovely spirit.
A confidence, if you will,
that you rarely find in a fat man.
How's the arrangements coming along?
I tell you, I nearly got
caught out the other day!
I been thinking it was a mistake,
making it a SURPRISE bash.
I'm on eggshells
whenever I'm around her.
I jump when the phone rings,
I'm terrified that Doris is
gonna put her foot in it.
Sometimes I want to say,
"To heck with it, Gwen.
"You're havin' a barn dance
to celebrate your birthday.
Please try and look surprised."
Because I can't take it any more.
You gotta think how good you'll
feel when the lights go on and
she sees all them smilin' faces.
That's if anyone's there.
I've had a lot of rejections.
And I gotta be honest,
I thought Gwen had more friends.
Have you invited them all
from Swansea? Yes!
The Uplands Crew,
the Mumbles Massive.
But nobody's coming
in great numbers.
It's got to the point
where I'm inviting people I know
she doesn't even like!
Not Jean?
Oh, Bryn.
She'll be fine.
Hello?
Hello?
Pam, what are you doin'?
Oh, my Christ.
I didn't know you were in!
You're eating ham, Pam!
Thank God you came in.
I crumbled. I'm so weak. Pam!
No, don't look at me.
Pam! I'm disgusting.
Pam, are you really a vegetarian?
Yes, I just...
I've seen you.
What d'you mean?
A scotch egg here, a bit o' bacon
there, putting those regular
sausages in the Linda McCartney box.
I didn't wanna say nothin'...
Do you think ill of me, my child?
No, of course not!
I just get these cravings, you know?
I had four cheeseburgers the
other day with big fat Sue.
We ate them in a car wash.
Don't beat yourself up, Pam.
Promise me, thou shall speak
of this to no-one.
What you on about? Swear it!
Forsake me not.
Pam, I don't understand
what you're sayin'.
Just don't tell anyone, all right?
Hiya! Hiya luv.
All right, you two?
Yeah, we're just chewin' the fat,
ain't we, Stace?
Stace, you shouldn't wave this
under Pam's nose. You know how she
feels about people eating meat.
Bryn's been on the blower all day.
Is he all right?
He sounds like this party's
giving him a breakdown.
Yeah, cos he's doin' it on his own.
But we'll get there by 12
and can help.
Is Gavin going down with you now?
Yeah, why? I thought we were all
going down together, about 3 o'clock.
Smithy doesn't finish till two.
He's sealing Dawn's shower tray.
It's the first I've heard!
I presumed he was comin' with me.
How am I supposed to get down there?
Well, can't you go on the train?
Oh, great(!)
GAV!
Just don't start World War II.
There's enough rows goes on
in this house as it is.
What does that mean?
Just saying.
What's up? Just a bit
of confusion.
OVER EACH OTHER:
Are you coming with me... We thought
you were going with us....
What? Hang on!
Right, sorry, Mum, what did you say?
No, listen to me a minute!
Oh, charming(!) Pam, stay out of it.
No, you stay out of it!
Are you taking me in the morning
or are you going with them lot
in the afternoon?
It's silly taking two cars.
We should go later.
Fine, if that's what you want.
Oh, come on. Fine!
Don't be like that.
It's all right, Gav.
It's just the way it is.
What is? Us. I'm gonna get
the train times.
Stacey!
I can't take much more
of this, Mick.
What? It's like living in Hollyoaks.
What you actually
knitting there, Ness?
A dress. For the baby?
No, for me.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hey! I'll get it. Crikey, Bryn!
What is wrong with him, Ness?
He's been like this for weeks.
Bryn. Now, I got the keys.
Keep it down! What?
Shut up, man! She's only
the other side of that glass.
All right. Cool head now.
Here's the keys,
but there's a few housekeeping
rules.
Fire away.
The hall is yours
from 8 o'clock tomorrow morning
till the following 1 am.
You MUST leave it in the
same condition as you find it.
There must be no smoking,
no narcotics
and no guns.
Outside of that, anything goes.
Right. Thank you
and thank the boys at the rotary.
We'll be seein' you tomorrow
of course?
It's tricky. Is Doris going?
Well, yes! Why?
She's not returning my calls, Bryn.
I haven't spoken to her for days.
She's rejected me as a
friend on Facebook.
I don't know where I stand.
Look, you've got to remember,
Doris is a player.
You should see her outfit.
She's dressin' to impress,
I'll tell you that.
Hiya, Ted! Come in! Come in!
Say, "No".
Do it!
No. Oh.
Say "Goodbye".
Goodbye.
Leave. Bryn?
NOW!
Well, he wasn't very friendly.
Is there something wrong with him?
Oh, Gwen, get off the guy's back.
He didn't want to talk to you,
deal with it!
Get over it, Gwen.
Are we havin' this cup of tea?
Well, there's something funny
going on in this house.
I'm a mess, Ness.
You gotta keep it together, Bryn.
Less than 24 hours to go.
I know...
but I'm bein' tetchy.
I trust no-one. It's like bein'
in the Big Brother house.
PHONE RINGS
I got it. No, you're OK.
I said I got it!
Hello.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hiya. Are you at the station?
Right, your mother will be
meeting you any second now
and I cannot stress to you enough how
she must be kept away at all costs.
And don't be late, cos I don't want
her wanderin' round
gettin wind of what's goin' down,
people chattin' to her
and what have you,
because this is the talk of the town.
Do you understand? Are you sur..?
Right, I gotta go, I got
another call coming in.
Hello?
Jean!
Yes, yes, we're all looking
forward to seeing you, yes!
But I must warn you,
any nonsense and you'll have to go.
Well, then you'll
be forcibly removed.
I gotta go, Jean.
You see that is what I mean,
that is rude.
STACEY SQUEALS
Hello, stranger! Welcome home.
Happy birthday! I got your present
in my bag.
Oh, that's nice. Do you want
to get a taxi or shall we walk?
Walk, shall we? Yeah.
DOORBELL RINGS
Smithster!
# You've got to hold and
give but do it at the right time
# You can be slow or fast
but you must get to the line
# They'll always hit you
and hurt you
# Defend and attack
# There's only one way to beat
them and that's around the back
# So catch me if you can
Cos I'm the England man
# Du-uh duh... #
Oh, what is it? What is it?
# Three lions on my chest
You know we can't go wrong
# We're singing for England
# EN-GER-LAND! #
Bra bra bra-bra-bra
Brap brap brap brap!
Boo! Boo!
What time we leavin'? Fourish?
You eaten? Had some crunchy nuts.
Want some more?
You having some?
Don't mind if I do.
ALL: Don't mind if I don't!
There you are, luv.
Did you want some lunch or
something? Maybe. What you havin'?
Ooh, I dunno.
SAME TIME: An omelette?
An omelette?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, Stace? Hiya!
Got any batteries, Gwen?
I don't know, what sort?
Two double A's.
I don't think I have.
I'll take 'em out the remote, then.
You can have 'em back in ten.
What you doin'?
Just havin' a bit of me time.
Any news on the job or the flat?
Not really. It's gettin' me down
a bit to be honest.
Is it, luv?
I thought you seemed low.
I think I'm just missin' home, I am.
It'd be all right if I had a job.
I know. It must be ever so hard.
I'm with Pam all day.
She tries her best.
We go fencin' and karate and stuff
but all I seem to do is sit around
waitin' for Gavin to come home.
I just feel a bit useless.
Oh, come on now.
You made the choice to live there.
You gotta give it time.
I don't think I did.
I just went along.
Livin' here was never an option,
Gavin wouldn't...
Cheers for that, Gwen. I didn't
need it in the end, as it goes.
So what's occurring, Stace?
She's not feelin' too good.
No, I'm fine. Really, I am.
D'you tell her about the card?
No! Guess who I got a
card from this mornin'? Who?
BOTH: Jean! No!
Yes! The cheek of the woman!
I put it straight in the bin
and thought,
"If I see that evil witch,
God knows what I'll say."
Best thing you can do is go up,
be polite, give her a kiss.
A kiss? A kiss?!
I didn't kiss her when we did it!
I've never kissed her!
Bloody hell, Smithy, your life!
Maybe you're meant
to be together. Oh, do me a flavour!
There's obviously an attraction.
No, there isn't. Is there, Gav?
No. There is no attraction between
him and the mother of his child.
Well, a sexual connection then.
You've obviously got
a sexual connection.
Loose connection more like.
I haven't got any money for
the bridge. You got any cash?
I got a couple of quid.
Don't they take cards?
Nah, cash only.
What?
Who doesn't take cards nowadays?
It's ridiculous. Everywhere takes
cards. Drive-thrus, Nando's,
if it's over a fiver.
They take cards on the M6 toll.
Do they?
I've got three quid and some
shrapnel. How much is it?
Five pound ten.
BOTH: Five pound ten pence!
I mean, why not make it
either five or six?
All right, Ness?
All right, Dave? You're lookin good.
Cheers. What you drinkin'?
A Capri Sun. Maybe I'll join you.
Maybe you should.
Maybe I will.
I've said to people,
7.45 is the cut-off.
She's getting here at eight so if
you can't by here by quarter to,
then leave it till quarter past.
That way there'll be no shenanigans.
No danger of her bumping into anyone
in the car park or what have you.
What in God's name is Jean doin'
here, Bryn? She just staggered in.
I know. I invited her, all right?
What? You dickhead.
Doris, I was low on numbers.
I had no choice.
I hope to God Gwen hasn't
had a drink when she sees her
cos there'll be all hell to pay.
Please don't stress me out.
I'm a nervous wreck as it is.
We'll just have to keep them apart.
Oh, chillax, Bryn.
Get a beer down you.
I'm not gonna stir things up.
Thanks, Dor. I appreciate it.
Jean!
Oh, my God, look at you!
Nice outfit, Bryn!
Howdy pardners!
Welcome to the ho...
I can't do the accent, Pam.
It's this get-up.
I feel like I want to be called Tex.
Well, you look lovely, darlin'!
All it is, right, I put it
together myself, it isn't hired.
I bought the hat, this is just
a big hanky and these...
these are just a pair
of denim jeans, Mick.
I feel like a member of Bewitched.
So where are the boys?
They're just outside. What?
What are you doin'?
All right, Bryn.
Hey, it's Woody from Toy Story!
Don't get smart with me, Columbo.
What if Gwen and Stacey went by
and saw you two? Eh?
What? Get inside. Now!
Come on!
Have I got time for the loo? NO!
Bloody hell, Bryn!
Look, no-one is going to
ruin this surprise, all right?
Bryn, calm down, mate,
you'll give yourself a heart attack.
Ted! What the hell are you doin'?!
Get in here!
Sorry, I'm late.
Right...
If anyone is expecting friends, will
you please phone them and explain...?
What it was, they've closed Plassey
Street, see, and there's no
diversion and I was bursting...
Oh, Lord, they're here.
Right, everybody, into position.
Doris, lights. Band, stage.
Ted! Please be quiet.
Everybody stand still,
nobody make a sound!
SCREAMS: Ted! Shut up!
Jesus! Look at the size of that.
Well, she is six months pregnant.
I know but come on,
that's ridiculous.
She's lookin at me, right at me.
So? Shit.
SURPRISE!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
SURPRISE!
YES!
Get this on, birthday girl!
AMERICAN ACCENT: You're havin'
a barn dance.
LAUGHTER
Oh, thank you so much!
What the hell is Jean doin' here?!
OK, is everybody happy with that?
I'll give you two minutes
to sort yourselves out.
I'll never get the hang of this.
Yes, you will! Course you will.
It's in, out, walk, walk, walk.
In, out, walk, walk, walk.
Are you all right
with that now, Dor? Yes.
And are you partnered up?
Oh, Ted, for Christ's sake, change
the record. You're just needy man.
I was only askin'.
Only askin'. You're only pokin' me
every day on Facebook.
You're only followin' me round
Costcutter, or Lidl... It's just...
No. We were never exclusive.
And I don't need this heavy shit.
So, shut up and show me the moves.
Sorry, Pam.
Mick, what am I gonna do about that?
Well, you could try
calling her Nessa for a start.
But what do I say?
How do I play this?
I dunno.
Oh, come on, you've done this
loads of times. Eh?
Everyone knows you were
a dirty dog in your day.
Just play it cool, trigger.
Are you part of this formation
or what?
Yeah, sorry. Look, just, go up,
ask about the baby, break
the ice, that's all you need to do.
Mick...you're a dream.
Hi.
All right?
Yeah, I'm good. You?
Yeah. Good.
This is Dave. Do you know Dave?
No. Hello, mate.
Smithy. All right?
So, is everything all right with...?
Yeah. Good. Great.
Right, well.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
And the look on her face when
she walked through that door.
She wasn't happy to see Jean.
Now, this whole Jean thing is
getting out of hand. Who's Jean?
You know, the one with
Mum and the scissors.
She's HERE? Oh, my God!!
Who's Dave?
What's with him and her?
They're just friends. They've always
liked each other an' that.
Friends with benefits,
I think they call it, Smithy!
Oh, my God. Jean's heading
for your mother. Jean! Jean!
I'm gonna do some shots.
Want some?
Smithy, are you jealous?
Pff! No. I feel for the bloke.
Couple of sambuccas?
Nah, we gotta get up early
and drive back. All right.
What you on about? We were gonna
stay the whole weekend.
I want to get back
and so do Mum and Dad.
Great, so I don't get
any time with anyone?
You're seein' everyone tonight,
aren't you?
Hardly. I've not even
spoken to Ness.
That isn't my fault.
I'd like to spend time at home.
You had all day.
You didn't leave till four.
God. I didn't realise it
was such a big deal! It is!
Stay here then. What?
Don't come back with us.
And are you happy with that?
Well, you don't have anything
to rush back for.
OK, are we all ready? Gents, put
your ladies on your right-hand side.
MUSIC STARTS
Jump out...in...one, two, three
and turn, out...in...
one, two, three.
Right arm.
And the left arm.
Clap to your partner...
Together,
right, together, left,
together, right,
together, left, and dozy doe.
Swing your partner.
Now keep those movements
in your mind,
because you're gonna
do them again in a minute.
Here's Doris to tell you more
about it. Welcome, Doris!
APPLAUSE
Now, we've got a special guest
for this number,
well, two special guests
who haven't performed together
since Judith's funeral in '96.
Let's hear it for Bryn and Nessa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, everyone.
Gwen, this one is for you.
It was you and Trevor's
favourite song and it is dedicated
to the pair of you.
And as a footnote to that
I'd just like to add,
that I'm not just singing
this for you, Gwen, or Trevor.
I was but now I'm singing it
for another someone special,
who's come back into my life
recently and I wanna thank him
for everything he's done.
So this is for you...
Dave.
# Baby, when I met you
There was peace, I know
# I set out to get you
With a fine tooth comb
# I was soft inside
There was something going on
# You did something to me
that I can't explain
# Hold me closer and I feel no pain
# Every beat of my heart
we've got something going on
# Tender love is blind
# It requires a dedication.
# All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
# We ride it together
Uh-huh
# Making love with each other
Uh-huh
# Islands in the stream
That is what we are
# No one in between
How can we be wrong?
# Sail away with me
To another world
# And we'll rely on each other
Uh-huh
# From one lover to another
Uh... #
Hello, Jason.
Uncle Bryn.
So when you going back?
Oh, thanks! I've only just got here!
You know what I meant!
A couple of weeks,
if that's OK.
Oh. But I'm not down again
till the end of the month.
Well, maybe I could come up
and see you. Yeah.
Well, I'll have to check with Pam,
maybe.
Yes, Gay Jay! Wooo!
I tell you what, I am loving the
barn dancing. I'm all over it.
All right, Smithy. Hiya, Gav.
How's it going?
I was thinking about you...
We're just heading out for a fag,
actually.
A fag-leje, Jean Peterson! Adieu.
See you in a bit, then.
So, how you findin' the...
Hang on a minute, Jase.
You could have warned me!
He's my brother! He should be here!
I thought of inviting him
but I didn't think he'd come.
He's gay. It's a barn dance.
Of course he's gonna come.
I know what they're all thinking,
I can hear them whispering.
Four times I heard the words,
"fishing trip".
Now you're being paranoid!
No-one knows about that.
That bloody fishin' trip, Bryn.
When's it gonna end, eh? Night, all.
Gav, I need to talk to you. Yeah?
On our own.
Yeah.
So I have to go, do I? Hideous.
What's up? You OK? Not really, no.
Oh, sorry. Do you really
mind me going back early?
Jason was tryin' to talk to you
and you ignored him.
No, I didn't. I said hello.
And you said you'd come down with me
this morning,
and for some reason
changed your mind.
Oh, come on. You're over-reacting.
Am I?
See. I don't think I am.
Cos since we got married,
my family and my home,
is just not important any more.
Of course it is.
And I don't think you realise
how much I miss bein' here, Gav.
Cos I do.
I really miss it, every day.
Aw, come here. I'm sorry.
No, I'm pissed off!
I was looking forward to tonight.
It's all that's kept me going.
But you don't care, cos you've got
your home, your family,
nothing's changed for you.
When we get our own place...
We're not getting our own place.
I don't wanna live with Mum and Dad.
If we were gonna rent it'd be
something. I don't want to rent.
It's just throwing money away.
You keep saying that.
I'm just looking ahead.
Gavin, you're so busy
looking ahead
that you can't even see
what's happening today, now!
What's this all about?
I feel like I'm all on my own.
What?
I'm really lonely.
I think it's better if I stay.
That's what you need.
A couple of days. Jason's here.
No. I think it's better
if I stay here.
I'm sorry, Gav,
but I'm not coming back.
That's what I mean. It'll do you
good
and I'll pick you up on Friday...
Gavin, you're not listenin' to me.
I don't want to live there any more.
I'm moving back home.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd