Gavin & Stacey (2007–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Gavin and Stacey's return is overshadowed by some big news from Ness.
This programme contains
adult humour.
Babe! Where are you?
You just walked off! I know.
There was this woman next to me
in a veil, fiddling with her shoe
and I thought,
"Oh, my God, terrorist!"
Oh, right. So you were gonna just
leave me here to get bombed.
I know. And I do feel bad.
But I WAS gonna text you.
Oh, well that's all right then...
Look, where are you?
By Nothing To Declare.
Have we got anything to declare?
I don't think so... Are you sure you
don't want to get Nessa any fags?
No. She's given up.
What? Since when?!
Oh, I dunno. Anyway...
I got her a Greek flag for her
collection, that's what she wanted.
Come on, I'm excited! Why?
I just love walking through
and all the people looking.
I pretend like I'm really famous.
HE LAUGHS
What you doing?
Oh, come on, join in!
Lift it up! They won't see it!
Why can't you just hold it?
I feel like a right pillock.
Oh, that's lovely, that is.
Your son and his wife have
been away for over three weeks.
22 days... I am not going
over this again, Michael... Mick!
Mick! Michael! Will you look at me?
Everybody's staring at us.
Yes! And you know why?
Because they're thinkin', "Look at
that lanky mardy-arse who can't even
be bothered to hold up a banner,
"a BEAUTIFUL banner,
that his wife spent three hours
preparing last night!"
It only took three hours
cos you couldn't spell Stacey!
I KNOW how to spell it.
I just got confused. What?
Because of the big pen.
Oh, here they are!
Gavin! Gav!
Gav, oh, come here,
my little prince! All right, Mum?
Hiya, Stacey. Hiya! Welcome home!
All right, Dad? Nice banner.
Oh, do me a flavour.
So, good time? The best! Yeah,
fantastic. How was the hotel?
Was the hotel nice? Oh, lush.
Stunning! Yeah, really nice.
And was the pool nice?
There were four! One with a bar!
Was the food nice?
What about the food?
It was OK. It was really nice,
but a lot of fish.
Really? We had mackerel last night,
didn't we? Yeah, we did.
And I had a tuna sandwich for lunch.
Weird! And what about the staff?
Were the staff nice?
Yeah, the staff make a hotel.
Yeah, they were OK.
Tell you what, Stacey, when we were
in Corfu, oh, those little shits...
Have I told you this already?
No, go on. Yeah.
Well, we asked them to change the
bedding every day, which personally
I don't think is a big ask.
I mean we're talking four-star
hotel. It was five AA diamonds.
Yeah.
Well, one night me and Mick got
into bed and I said to Mick,
"There is no way these sheets
are fresh," and I've rung down
to reception.
I just didn't believe him,
so I've decided to lay traps.
So I've put two wine gums
INSIDE the pillow case, Mick's side,
come back this one afternoon...
Mick's been snorkelling, I've had a
hot stone massage and I've looked at
the bed and I knew straight away,
cos you know when you know, don't
you? Yeah. So Mick's reached in,
and he's pulled out the very same
wine gums that I had placed there
not three hours earlier.
I hit the roof, didn't I, Mick?
I'll say. So I've got him by the
throat, this Stelios Cycliades,
and I'm saying, "Look me in the eye
and tell me that those sheets..."
MOBILE RINGS
Hang on a minute, it's Bryn. Hello?
Come in, London. Can you hear me?
Hiya! We're back! Whereabouts are
you? We've just got onto the M25.
And according to the nav, we're
an hour and ten minutes away.
Hello, Mrs Shipman! Hiya, Gwen!
Oh, no, Pam, I meant Stacey.
Oh, sorry! I thought you meant me!
So did I! Hiya, Mum!
Hiya, Stace! Hiya, Gav!
Hiya, Gwen. All right, Bryn?
Welcome home, young man! Do you have
a tan,
are you bronzed? A little bit, yeah.
Oh, I can't wait to see it!
Hiya, Ness!
Nessa's not here, luv!
Where is she?
Have you spoken to her? Is she OK?
Yes, but there wasn't room
for all your stuff...
..in the Picasso, so she's following
on. I'll try her on the radio.
Nessa? Come in, Nessa,
do you read me?
1-9 Rubber Duck.
Ho, Bryn... I'm not gonna tell you
again, you can't call me "Nessa" on
the airwaves.
You got to use my handle.
What is that? My code name.
Robert Mugabe. I'm sorry, Robert.
I keep forgetting, what's my name?
Bryn. No, my handle.
I know we're in the car,
but we did say...
Dame Judi Dench. That's it!
Dame Judi Dench. Now, I'm on the
line to our London contingent
and I've given them an ETA of ten
past five. Is that do-able for you?
Well, I got my foot down, Jude.
I can do no more. 10-4.
MUSIC: "Before I Fall To Pieces"
by Razorlight
Well, here we are! Home sweet home!
Ah, let's have a look at you
in the daylight...
Oh, you have gone a nice colour...
haven't they, Mick? Yeah, it suits
you. I am jealous.
When are you takin' me away?
Sardinia, I fancy. Give us a chance.
I'm still paying off the wedding!
It was a lovely day, wasn't it, Gav?
Yeah. It was lush. But you know your
Auntie Christine still hasn't spoken
to your cousin John
after all that business
with the dessert?
Really?! It was just a joke.
There's a joke, then there's
smearing somebody's face in cake
till they nearly choke to death.
She didn't choke!
The woman's diabetic, Gav,
she was terrified.
He did look vicious as he did it.
He gets like that, John. But nothin'
else happened with Smithy or...?
Oh, he was absolutely...
wasn't he, Mick? Poleaxed. Blotto.
Him, Dirtbox, and Chinese Alan.
Fell asleep in the lift. Up and
down they was going for an hour.
And they all had rooms. What a waste
of money! Right. I'm putting the
kettle on. Who's for a cuppa?
I'll have a coffee. Yeah.
But he's all right though, Smithy,
is he?
You know what he's like.
Always a drama.
Why, what's happened?
Nothing serious.
He's been pining for HIM! What?
But nothing...y'know...big?
No, I don't think so.
Oi! Where d'you think you're going?
What? Come here.
I mean, it IS weird...
gettin' used to being Stacey Shipman.
Yes...
I remember being very disappointed
the day I lost my maiden name.
What was it? Griggell-Eschefska.
Pamela Andrea Griggell-Eschefska.
Which, you know, always felt
quite glamorous.
And then in the space of one day,
to go from that to Shipman...
You know, Ship Man.
I felt quite flat if I'm honest with
you, the day after we got married.
Felt like I'd lost my identity.
You know, like Anne Frank.
After they found her.
Your cases are in your room.
Cheers, Dad. While I remember,
sort your washing out ASAP.
I've got a white wash
ready to go on tonight
cos your dad's run out of pants.
You've had to go commando today,
right, Mick? What? You've no
drawers on. Mum!
She's right. I'm flappin' around
like an elephant's trunk down here.
Dad! Elephant's trunk?
I should be so lucky!
Yeah, yeah.
CAR HORN
Oh, here they are.
Hello, Gwen!
Galimera! Ooh, continental!
Hello, Bryn! Galimera! Oh, yes.
That's Greek for good morning.
I learnt it!
# Ta-ra-TA-ta-ta-ra-TA-ta... #
Hiya! Oh, Gavin! Galimera!
And look what I've had done!
"My niece went to Greece and
all I got was this lousy T-shirt"!
But she DIDN'T get it for you.
Yeah, we got you a bottle of
Cinzano.
I know! I got it printed for a joke!
Where d'you get it done?
Online! I did it five weeks ago.
For a joke! Before the wedding?
Before they got married?
Yes! For a joke!
TRUCK HORN
That'll be Nessa.
HISS OF BRAKES
ALL: Hiya, Ness!
All right? You made good time then?
Yeah. The road's been kind to me,
I won't lie to you.
She can be a cruel mistress,
the M25, but today I've been lucky.
All right, Bryn? Pam? Gav? Mick?
Gwen? Stace? Don't you need a special
licence to drive one of them?
Not for the seven and a half ton,
you don't. But I've driven them
bigger than that, Mick.
I drove the sets for The Who
on their world tours. Great days.
Till I found out things about
Pete Townshend I didn't like.
And all I'll say is...
and I said it to his face...
Where is the book?
Right...cup of tea.
ALL: Yeah! Cup of tea!
How did the T-shirt go down, Bryn?
Mixed reviews.
Yeah, it was March '89 I quit.
That's when I went Stobarts. Eh?
Eddie Stobarts. Really?
Yeah. I was with Eddie and the boys
for 18 months, all told.
You had a little soft spot for him,
didn't you?
I did, Bryn, I'm not gonna lie
to you. But I wasn't his type,
apparently.
Since when has a great rack and
an open mind not been a man's type?
Is he still alive, Eddie Stobart?
I think so. He's a deeply
religious man. Very generous.
Gave you two trucks, didn't he?
He did. And I regret selling them now
Bryn, to be honest, but they were
a bugger to park around Barry.
Everyone all right
with a Chinese takeaway? Yes.
You don't want to be cooking.
It's just easier, innit?
DOORBELL
We could go out.
Yeah! Can we go to that Italian?
Capriccio's? Yeah,
let's go to Capriccio's!
Hey! Smithster!
Smith? Hello, Smithy, darling.
Hello, everyone.
Hello, Smithy. All right, Bryn?
What's going on?
What's going on?!
What's going on?!
I've been asking myself
the same question
over and over again in my head.
First thing in the morning, last
thing at night. What IS going on,
Gavin?
What? I've been ringing you
every day for three weeks.
Your phone's been off!
Is that all?!
You haven't told him, have you?
I was on my honeymoon!
Right. Can we all stop
calling it a honeymoon, right?
It's just a holiday!
Yeah, but it wasn't just a holiday.
It was the best time of my life.
When I went to Malaga
with Lucy and her nanna, I called
you every day, sometimes twice.
Sometimes thrice! Back off, Mick.
You were only ringing for
the West Ham scores!
That was an excuse, you fool!
I was getting the updates on
my mobile. I was ringing you cos...
I was ringing you cos I missed you.
Smithy! I missed you
these last three weeks an' all.
It's been horrible. I ain't
been myself, I've been off my food.
He's been round here every day.
No-one's been out. They're all
shacked up with their birds.
What about Lucy? She's been grounded
for two weeks. Why?
Her dad found ten B&H in her bag.
Went ape-shit. I'm gonna go. I just
wanted to check you're all right.
Smithy! He DID miss you, Smithy!
He did.
He talked about you every day.
Give him the present.
What, now?
BOTH: Yes.
It's the one we read about.
In Nuts magazine.
Yeah.
Well, thank God for that.
Look, we're going out to dinner.
You coming?
Capriccio's?
ALL: Yeah!
'Course I'm coming!
It's lovely to see you, Bepe.
Always a pleasure.
And congratulations
to the new couple, eh?
Dawn? Mum, it's Dawn!
Ohhh! Hi, Dawney! Hello, you two!
Fancy seein' you here! Hi.
Hello!
You remember Bryn, don't you?
Stacey's uncle from the wedding?
Yes.
Lovely! Look, they're back!
Came back this afternoon,
didn't you?
Did you have a nice time?
Oh, it was fantastic.
Yeah, and thanks for those vouchers.
Really kind. Not a problem.
DOOR OPENS
This is Seth. Hello.
He works at the butchers.
He's a colleague of mine from work.
I never knew you were a butcher,
Pete. Yes. Yes, I am.
Don't let us hold you up.
Right! Well, enjoy your meal.
We'd better...
Yeah.
SHE MOUTHS
Yeah.
And no olives. Thanks, Bepe.
Ooh.
Now. This is a tough one.
I'm in a bit of a pickle here.
You might have to come back to me.
No, no! I've got it!
It's a toss up between the gnocchi,
the carbonara,
the pollo tagliatelle...
..or the risotto.
I'll come back to you.
I'm having the gnocchi.
There it is, Pam. It's the gnocchi.
Apologies for the wait,
these things take time. Hey, Gwen!
I've gone with the gnocci!
Mick, I'm having a wonderful time.
And for you? Si. Buona sera.
Buona sera. Voglio
ordinare bruschetta per tutti.
E qualcosa da bere?
Eh...due bottiglie di vino rosso,
due di vino bianco
e acqua minerale per me.
E per pranzo?
Prendo...l'osso bucco alla milanese
con verdure e patate. Certo.
Tidy.
Signor Smithy?
Er...just a caesar salad, thanks.
No dressing.
I'm joking. I'm having a steak!
Medium.
So in the second week, Gavin
organised this boat trip. Yeah.
This company pick you up,
and they give you a hamper
and they take you to this island...
this deserted island. Yeah,
there's nobody there. Just us.
It's like being on Lost.
We went skinny dipping completely
in the nuddy, didn't we? Yeah.
And in the last week
we went paragliding.
I'm going to the toilet.
I've always wanted to do that!
We did it, didn't we? In Santorini.
Oh, yeah. Gwen, it is horrible.
What is it? I want to know!
Para what? I'll be back in a minute.
Paragliding, you're sat in the sea,
and then this boat, a speed boat,
which you're attached to,
slowly moves off and gathers speed
and you move up with it.
Good God! Into the sky?
Alright, Stace?
What's occurring? What you on about?
You know what I'm on about.
Smithy.
You haven't told him, have you?
No. Why?
I thought about it
and I decided not to.
Look, I barely knows the kid.
And what I do know, I don't like.
You said you were going to tell him
that night, at the wedding.
I nearly did.
But I took one look
at his disgusting face...
He's not disgusting, he's cute in his
own way! He's vile. And he's English.
Well, now you're just bein' racist.
It's not racism, it's xenophobia.
Stop being so childish. These aren't
reasons, they're excuses.
Look, I don't want to tell him
cos then I'd have to admit it was
really happening. And I can't.
But it IS happening.
And whether you like it or not,
Smithy's sat out there
eating bruschetta,
unaware that you're pregnant
with his child.
What?!
So. Now, let me get this straight.
I'm attached to a boat,
but I'm in the air,
flying,
holding on to a parachute.
Yeah, that's it. It's quite safe!
Well, stone me, Mick.
I've heard it all now!
That's nothing. First time
we all went away, to Magaluf,
Budgie... You remember Budgie?
He was at the wedding?
The ears? He ain't been
out of Essex before,
he's barely been out of Billericay.
We get there, and there's
this cliff hanging over the sea.
What was it, like, 500 feet up?
It was about 80 feet.
We've just got off the coach,
and fully clothed, Budgie just runs
off the cliff, and jumps in the sea.
Comes up to the surface.
Spittin' water everywhere.
He looks up and he shouts...
"Someone's spilt some salt in here!"
He'd never been in the sea before!
Gnocci? Gnocci? Who's for the gnocci?
You are! Of course! Sorry, yes!
I thought I'd gone risotto!
I am the gnocci!
Lasagne? That's Gwen's. I'll go
and get them. That looks good, Bryn.
Oh, Ness...
I know it doesn't feel like it now,
but this might be the making of you.
Cheers, Gwen. Genuine. Come on,
you lot, your food's getting...
Everything OK?
You better come in. What's happened?
Shall I tell her? Tell me what?
DAWN SOBS
Dawn! What's the matter, Dawny?
Dawn!
SHE SQUEALS
Oh, stop it!
DAWN, stop it!
Seth's gone.
Who's Seth? The...fella.
We met on the internet.
Our counsellor said we could inject
some passion into our relationship
if we introduced a third party
to the bedroom.
Fair play. So, we've been emailing
each other for weeks.
All leading up to tonight.
And it was going so well, Pam.
But as soon as we start discussing
the whys and the wherefores,
y'know...
Boundaries. Codewords. Yeah.
As soon as we start talking
about that, he says...
He says...
he's very sorry
but our photo is not representative
of the two of us as a couple,
and he feels he's been misled.
He can't go through with it.
(I mean, the shame of it, Pam!)
Yes, it was an old photo.
But have I changed that much
in 15 years?
No, Dawny! You're beautiful.
Thank you, Pam.
What you lot doing in here anyway?
Nessa's pregnant.
BOTH: What?!
And Smithy's the father.
Oh, my Christ!
Right, I'm gonna start. This is
ridiculous. Bryn, pass the pepper.
Cor, that's a big one.
I can barely get my hand around it.
Should have seen this one in Greece,
in this restaurant.
Oh, will you please give it a rest?
What?
Is that gonna be it now? "In Greece"
this, "in Greece" that? I only got
back today. Oh, not this again.
I'm sorry, but it's like I don't
even know him any more. Eh?
You're paragliding, eating hampers,
you're not even having beer - you're
drinking wine for some reason.
Yeah, well, beer is quite fattening.
Says who - your wife? Oh, come on,
mate. I'm back now. I mean,
did you think of me once
when you were away?
Course I did. When? What d'you mean?
When did you think of me?
Tennis.
We were gonna play tennis,
but Stacey's rubbish, so we didn't.
But I thought, "If Smithy was here
now, we'd have a great game."
We would, an' all.
D'you want to play tomorrow?
I can't. I'm picking up
the wedding photos. For God's sake!
I'm gonna find out where they've
got to. This is ridiculous.
You all right, Pete?
Michael Shipman!
Mick Shipman!
What's it like to be you?
Where's Dawny?
I mean, you got the looks,
you got the wife,
you got the girth. What?
Would you say I was
a good-looking bloke? I mean,
do you think I'm attractive?
Well, right now
you've got black teeth.
Have I really?
Mick! Mick!
Pete is absolutely battered!
Never mind that! Just get in here.
What?!
What's going on?
We're all sat out there...
Dawn? You all right?
Seth's gone. Who's Seth? The big
black boy. The big black fella.
They met him on the Net. They were
gonna have a threesome but he took
one look at them and bolted. Blimey.
And Nessa's pregnant.
What?!
ALL: And Smithy's the father.
Shit a brick!
Does he know? No.
Where's Pete? Mick,
is he all right? Have you seen him?
Well... Yeah, I saw him just now.
He's sat there, drinking.
And laughing. Oh.
Will you go and get him for me,
please... I need my Pete.
Go on. All right.
You're very lucky, you two.
I've never had what you'd call
a BEST friend.
I had acquaintances, many.
But never anyone...y'know, BEST.
And I suppose
that's because I always had Trevor,
God rest his soul.
But, of course, he was my brother.
So that didn't really count.
And, I've always been close
with Nessa...
But that's as far as it goes.
I'll be back in a minute.
PETE LAUGHS
You all right, Dad?
Yeah. Give us a hand, will ya?
I said we should've got a new photo
done - been honest, warts an' all.
But what do I know?
Where we going? Ladies' toilets.
What?
So...are you gonna keep it?
Yeah. Are you?
Yeah. I am. I thought about it long
and hard, no word of a lie,
but then I watched Vera Drake,
twice, and I thought,
no, I can't be doing with all that.
Well, in that case, you have got
to tell him. She's right.
But I don't want him involved.
That's not up to you, my love.
There's two of you in this.
Oh, my Pete! Are you all right?
Seth's gone. I know.
Who's Seth? The black fella.
They met on the internet, they were
gonna have a three-way but he didn't
want to. He changed his mind.
And Nessa's pregnant. What?!
ALL: And Smithy's the father.
I'll be your best mate.
Will you?
Well, I sure as shit ain't got one
any more have. Come on, Smithy...
You're a young man. You've got
your whole life ahead of you.
You don't want to be tied down
to an old fogey like me.
You're not old, Bryn.
Are you? How old are you?
That, young man,
is a gentleman's prerogative.
Anyway, it's not how old you are,
it's how you are old.
You are so funny, Bryn.
You know that?
You crack me up every time!
Not like him,
the useless sack of shit.
Hey now, come on.
You're crossing the line there, son.
He's in love.
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
I love you Bryn-la, I do.
Let's meet up.
Every weekend. In Swindon.
Just me and you. Really?
Yes! All right, you're on!
Do you want some of Gwen's lasagne?
Bring it on!
All right, let's do it! Come on!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You've got to tell him tonight.
I know. I can't believe it.
How long have you known about this?
About three weeks. You've known for
three weeks and you didn't tell me?
I tried! Not that hard.
Don't argue, my loves,
it's not worth it.
I love you, Dawny.
You know when we were away,
and I said I had something
to tell you? Yeah.
I told you Nessa was in the original
line up of All Saints, but she left
cos she didn't get on with Shaznay?
I was trying to tell you then.
So you made all that up?
No. That was true.
It was a power struggle.
Look, none of this matters, who
told you when, and what have you.
What matters is, the person who
HASN'T been told is the person that
SHOULD'VE been, and he's out there.
Who, Bryn? No.
Smithy.
I'll come to Wales,
you can come up here.
I'll go to church with you.
We'll just hang out.
You know, like best mates do.
Do you think Mick will mind if
I finish this last slice of pizza?
So what if he does? I'll back you up.
Cos that's what best mates do.
Oh, Smithy.
I got something to tell you. What?
I'm pregnant.
And you're the father.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
adult humour.
Babe! Where are you?
You just walked off! I know.
There was this woman next to me
in a veil, fiddling with her shoe
and I thought,
"Oh, my God, terrorist!"
Oh, right. So you were gonna just
leave me here to get bombed.
I know. And I do feel bad.
But I WAS gonna text you.
Oh, well that's all right then...
Look, where are you?
By Nothing To Declare.
Have we got anything to declare?
I don't think so... Are you sure you
don't want to get Nessa any fags?
No. She's given up.
What? Since when?!
Oh, I dunno. Anyway...
I got her a Greek flag for her
collection, that's what she wanted.
Come on, I'm excited! Why?
I just love walking through
and all the people looking.
I pretend like I'm really famous.
HE LAUGHS
What you doing?
Oh, come on, join in!
Lift it up! They won't see it!
Why can't you just hold it?
I feel like a right pillock.
Oh, that's lovely, that is.
Your son and his wife have
been away for over three weeks.
22 days... I am not going
over this again, Michael... Mick!
Mick! Michael! Will you look at me?
Everybody's staring at us.
Yes! And you know why?
Because they're thinkin', "Look at
that lanky mardy-arse who can't even
be bothered to hold up a banner,
"a BEAUTIFUL banner,
that his wife spent three hours
preparing last night!"
It only took three hours
cos you couldn't spell Stacey!
I KNOW how to spell it.
I just got confused. What?
Because of the big pen.
Oh, here they are!
Gavin! Gav!
Gav, oh, come here,
my little prince! All right, Mum?
Hiya, Stacey. Hiya! Welcome home!
All right, Dad? Nice banner.
Oh, do me a flavour.
So, good time? The best! Yeah,
fantastic. How was the hotel?
Was the hotel nice? Oh, lush.
Stunning! Yeah, really nice.
And was the pool nice?
There were four! One with a bar!
Was the food nice?
What about the food?
It was OK. It was really nice,
but a lot of fish.
Really? We had mackerel last night,
didn't we? Yeah, we did.
And I had a tuna sandwich for lunch.
Weird! And what about the staff?
Were the staff nice?
Yeah, the staff make a hotel.
Yeah, they were OK.
Tell you what, Stacey, when we were
in Corfu, oh, those little shits...
Have I told you this already?
No, go on. Yeah.
Well, we asked them to change the
bedding every day, which personally
I don't think is a big ask.
I mean we're talking four-star
hotel. It was five AA diamonds.
Yeah.
Well, one night me and Mick got
into bed and I said to Mick,
"There is no way these sheets
are fresh," and I've rung down
to reception.
I just didn't believe him,
so I've decided to lay traps.
So I've put two wine gums
INSIDE the pillow case, Mick's side,
come back this one afternoon...
Mick's been snorkelling, I've had a
hot stone massage and I've looked at
the bed and I knew straight away,
cos you know when you know, don't
you? Yeah. So Mick's reached in,
and he's pulled out the very same
wine gums that I had placed there
not three hours earlier.
I hit the roof, didn't I, Mick?
I'll say. So I've got him by the
throat, this Stelios Cycliades,
and I'm saying, "Look me in the eye
and tell me that those sheets..."
MOBILE RINGS
Hang on a minute, it's Bryn. Hello?
Come in, London. Can you hear me?
Hiya! We're back! Whereabouts are
you? We've just got onto the M25.
And according to the nav, we're
an hour and ten minutes away.
Hello, Mrs Shipman! Hiya, Gwen!
Oh, no, Pam, I meant Stacey.
Oh, sorry! I thought you meant me!
So did I! Hiya, Mum!
Hiya, Stace! Hiya, Gav!
Hiya, Gwen. All right, Bryn?
Welcome home, young man! Do you have
a tan,
are you bronzed? A little bit, yeah.
Oh, I can't wait to see it!
Hiya, Ness!
Nessa's not here, luv!
Where is she?
Have you spoken to her? Is she OK?
Yes, but there wasn't room
for all your stuff...
..in the Picasso, so she's following
on. I'll try her on the radio.
Nessa? Come in, Nessa,
do you read me?
1-9 Rubber Duck.
Ho, Bryn... I'm not gonna tell you
again, you can't call me "Nessa" on
the airwaves.
You got to use my handle.
What is that? My code name.
Robert Mugabe. I'm sorry, Robert.
I keep forgetting, what's my name?
Bryn. No, my handle.
I know we're in the car,
but we did say...
Dame Judi Dench. That's it!
Dame Judi Dench. Now, I'm on the
line to our London contingent
and I've given them an ETA of ten
past five. Is that do-able for you?
Well, I got my foot down, Jude.
I can do no more. 10-4.
MUSIC: "Before I Fall To Pieces"
by Razorlight
Well, here we are! Home sweet home!
Ah, let's have a look at you
in the daylight...
Oh, you have gone a nice colour...
haven't they, Mick? Yeah, it suits
you. I am jealous.
When are you takin' me away?
Sardinia, I fancy. Give us a chance.
I'm still paying off the wedding!
It was a lovely day, wasn't it, Gav?
Yeah. It was lush. But you know your
Auntie Christine still hasn't spoken
to your cousin John
after all that business
with the dessert?
Really?! It was just a joke.
There's a joke, then there's
smearing somebody's face in cake
till they nearly choke to death.
She didn't choke!
The woman's diabetic, Gav,
she was terrified.
He did look vicious as he did it.
He gets like that, John. But nothin'
else happened with Smithy or...?
Oh, he was absolutely...
wasn't he, Mick? Poleaxed. Blotto.
Him, Dirtbox, and Chinese Alan.
Fell asleep in the lift. Up and
down they was going for an hour.
And they all had rooms. What a waste
of money! Right. I'm putting the
kettle on. Who's for a cuppa?
I'll have a coffee. Yeah.
But he's all right though, Smithy,
is he?
You know what he's like.
Always a drama.
Why, what's happened?
Nothing serious.
He's been pining for HIM! What?
But nothing...y'know...big?
No, I don't think so.
Oi! Where d'you think you're going?
What? Come here.
I mean, it IS weird...
gettin' used to being Stacey Shipman.
Yes...
I remember being very disappointed
the day I lost my maiden name.
What was it? Griggell-Eschefska.
Pamela Andrea Griggell-Eschefska.
Which, you know, always felt
quite glamorous.
And then in the space of one day,
to go from that to Shipman...
You know, Ship Man.
I felt quite flat if I'm honest with
you, the day after we got married.
Felt like I'd lost my identity.
You know, like Anne Frank.
After they found her.
Your cases are in your room.
Cheers, Dad. While I remember,
sort your washing out ASAP.
I've got a white wash
ready to go on tonight
cos your dad's run out of pants.
You've had to go commando today,
right, Mick? What? You've no
drawers on. Mum!
She's right. I'm flappin' around
like an elephant's trunk down here.
Dad! Elephant's trunk?
I should be so lucky!
Yeah, yeah.
CAR HORN
Oh, here they are.
Hello, Gwen!
Galimera! Ooh, continental!
Hello, Bryn! Galimera! Oh, yes.
That's Greek for good morning.
I learnt it!
# Ta-ra-TA-ta-ta-ra-TA-ta... #
Hiya! Oh, Gavin! Galimera!
And look what I've had done!
"My niece went to Greece and
all I got was this lousy T-shirt"!
But she DIDN'T get it for you.
Yeah, we got you a bottle of
Cinzano.
I know! I got it printed for a joke!
Where d'you get it done?
Online! I did it five weeks ago.
For a joke! Before the wedding?
Before they got married?
Yes! For a joke!
TRUCK HORN
That'll be Nessa.
HISS OF BRAKES
ALL: Hiya, Ness!
All right? You made good time then?
Yeah. The road's been kind to me,
I won't lie to you.
She can be a cruel mistress,
the M25, but today I've been lucky.
All right, Bryn? Pam? Gav? Mick?
Gwen? Stace? Don't you need a special
licence to drive one of them?
Not for the seven and a half ton,
you don't. But I've driven them
bigger than that, Mick.
I drove the sets for The Who
on their world tours. Great days.
Till I found out things about
Pete Townshend I didn't like.
And all I'll say is...
and I said it to his face...
Where is the book?
Right...cup of tea.
ALL: Yeah! Cup of tea!
How did the T-shirt go down, Bryn?
Mixed reviews.
Yeah, it was March '89 I quit.
That's when I went Stobarts. Eh?
Eddie Stobarts. Really?
Yeah. I was with Eddie and the boys
for 18 months, all told.
You had a little soft spot for him,
didn't you?
I did, Bryn, I'm not gonna lie
to you. But I wasn't his type,
apparently.
Since when has a great rack and
an open mind not been a man's type?
Is he still alive, Eddie Stobart?
I think so. He's a deeply
religious man. Very generous.
Gave you two trucks, didn't he?
He did. And I regret selling them now
Bryn, to be honest, but they were
a bugger to park around Barry.
Everyone all right
with a Chinese takeaway? Yes.
You don't want to be cooking.
It's just easier, innit?
DOORBELL
We could go out.
Yeah! Can we go to that Italian?
Capriccio's? Yeah,
let's go to Capriccio's!
Hey! Smithster!
Smith? Hello, Smithy, darling.
Hello, everyone.
Hello, Smithy. All right, Bryn?
What's going on?
What's going on?!
What's going on?!
I've been asking myself
the same question
over and over again in my head.
First thing in the morning, last
thing at night. What IS going on,
Gavin?
What? I've been ringing you
every day for three weeks.
Your phone's been off!
Is that all?!
You haven't told him, have you?
I was on my honeymoon!
Right. Can we all stop
calling it a honeymoon, right?
It's just a holiday!
Yeah, but it wasn't just a holiday.
It was the best time of my life.
When I went to Malaga
with Lucy and her nanna, I called
you every day, sometimes twice.
Sometimes thrice! Back off, Mick.
You were only ringing for
the West Ham scores!
That was an excuse, you fool!
I was getting the updates on
my mobile. I was ringing you cos...
I was ringing you cos I missed you.
Smithy! I missed you
these last three weeks an' all.
It's been horrible. I ain't
been myself, I've been off my food.
He's been round here every day.
No-one's been out. They're all
shacked up with their birds.
What about Lucy? She's been grounded
for two weeks. Why?
Her dad found ten B&H in her bag.
Went ape-shit. I'm gonna go. I just
wanted to check you're all right.
Smithy! He DID miss you, Smithy!
He did.
He talked about you every day.
Give him the present.
What, now?
BOTH: Yes.
It's the one we read about.
In Nuts magazine.
Yeah.
Well, thank God for that.
Look, we're going out to dinner.
You coming?
Capriccio's?
ALL: Yeah!
'Course I'm coming!
It's lovely to see you, Bepe.
Always a pleasure.
And congratulations
to the new couple, eh?
Dawn? Mum, it's Dawn!
Ohhh! Hi, Dawney! Hello, you two!
Fancy seein' you here! Hi.
Hello!
You remember Bryn, don't you?
Stacey's uncle from the wedding?
Yes.
Lovely! Look, they're back!
Came back this afternoon,
didn't you?
Did you have a nice time?
Oh, it was fantastic.
Yeah, and thanks for those vouchers.
Really kind. Not a problem.
DOOR OPENS
This is Seth. Hello.
He works at the butchers.
He's a colleague of mine from work.
I never knew you were a butcher,
Pete. Yes. Yes, I am.
Don't let us hold you up.
Right! Well, enjoy your meal.
We'd better...
Yeah.
SHE MOUTHS
Yeah.
And no olives. Thanks, Bepe.
Ooh.
Now. This is a tough one.
I'm in a bit of a pickle here.
You might have to come back to me.
No, no! I've got it!
It's a toss up between the gnocchi,
the carbonara,
the pollo tagliatelle...
..or the risotto.
I'll come back to you.
I'm having the gnocchi.
There it is, Pam. It's the gnocchi.
Apologies for the wait,
these things take time. Hey, Gwen!
I've gone with the gnocci!
Mick, I'm having a wonderful time.
And for you? Si. Buona sera.
Buona sera. Voglio
ordinare bruschetta per tutti.
E qualcosa da bere?
Eh...due bottiglie di vino rosso,
due di vino bianco
e acqua minerale per me.
E per pranzo?
Prendo...l'osso bucco alla milanese
con verdure e patate. Certo.
Tidy.
Signor Smithy?
Er...just a caesar salad, thanks.
No dressing.
I'm joking. I'm having a steak!
Medium.
So in the second week, Gavin
organised this boat trip. Yeah.
This company pick you up,
and they give you a hamper
and they take you to this island...
this deserted island. Yeah,
there's nobody there. Just us.
It's like being on Lost.
We went skinny dipping completely
in the nuddy, didn't we? Yeah.
And in the last week
we went paragliding.
I'm going to the toilet.
I've always wanted to do that!
We did it, didn't we? In Santorini.
Oh, yeah. Gwen, it is horrible.
What is it? I want to know!
Para what? I'll be back in a minute.
Paragliding, you're sat in the sea,
and then this boat, a speed boat,
which you're attached to,
slowly moves off and gathers speed
and you move up with it.
Good God! Into the sky?
Alright, Stace?
What's occurring? What you on about?
You know what I'm on about.
Smithy.
You haven't told him, have you?
No. Why?
I thought about it
and I decided not to.
Look, I barely knows the kid.
And what I do know, I don't like.
You said you were going to tell him
that night, at the wedding.
I nearly did.
But I took one look
at his disgusting face...
He's not disgusting, he's cute in his
own way! He's vile. And he's English.
Well, now you're just bein' racist.
It's not racism, it's xenophobia.
Stop being so childish. These aren't
reasons, they're excuses.
Look, I don't want to tell him
cos then I'd have to admit it was
really happening. And I can't.
But it IS happening.
And whether you like it or not,
Smithy's sat out there
eating bruschetta,
unaware that you're pregnant
with his child.
What?!
So. Now, let me get this straight.
I'm attached to a boat,
but I'm in the air,
flying,
holding on to a parachute.
Yeah, that's it. It's quite safe!
Well, stone me, Mick.
I've heard it all now!
That's nothing. First time
we all went away, to Magaluf,
Budgie... You remember Budgie?
He was at the wedding?
The ears? He ain't been
out of Essex before,
he's barely been out of Billericay.
We get there, and there's
this cliff hanging over the sea.
What was it, like, 500 feet up?
It was about 80 feet.
We've just got off the coach,
and fully clothed, Budgie just runs
off the cliff, and jumps in the sea.
Comes up to the surface.
Spittin' water everywhere.
He looks up and he shouts...
"Someone's spilt some salt in here!"
He'd never been in the sea before!
Gnocci? Gnocci? Who's for the gnocci?
You are! Of course! Sorry, yes!
I thought I'd gone risotto!
I am the gnocci!
Lasagne? That's Gwen's. I'll go
and get them. That looks good, Bryn.
Oh, Ness...
I know it doesn't feel like it now,
but this might be the making of you.
Cheers, Gwen. Genuine. Come on,
you lot, your food's getting...
Everything OK?
You better come in. What's happened?
Shall I tell her? Tell me what?
DAWN SOBS
Dawn! What's the matter, Dawny?
Dawn!
SHE SQUEALS
Oh, stop it!
DAWN, stop it!
Seth's gone.
Who's Seth? The...fella.
We met on the internet.
Our counsellor said we could inject
some passion into our relationship
if we introduced a third party
to the bedroom.
Fair play. So, we've been emailing
each other for weeks.
All leading up to tonight.
And it was going so well, Pam.
But as soon as we start discussing
the whys and the wherefores,
y'know...
Boundaries. Codewords. Yeah.
As soon as we start talking
about that, he says...
He says...
he's very sorry
but our photo is not representative
of the two of us as a couple,
and he feels he's been misled.
He can't go through with it.
(I mean, the shame of it, Pam!)
Yes, it was an old photo.
But have I changed that much
in 15 years?
No, Dawny! You're beautiful.
Thank you, Pam.
What you lot doing in here anyway?
Nessa's pregnant.
BOTH: What?!
And Smithy's the father.
Oh, my Christ!
Right, I'm gonna start. This is
ridiculous. Bryn, pass the pepper.
Cor, that's a big one.
I can barely get my hand around it.
Should have seen this one in Greece,
in this restaurant.
Oh, will you please give it a rest?
What?
Is that gonna be it now? "In Greece"
this, "in Greece" that? I only got
back today. Oh, not this again.
I'm sorry, but it's like I don't
even know him any more. Eh?
You're paragliding, eating hampers,
you're not even having beer - you're
drinking wine for some reason.
Yeah, well, beer is quite fattening.
Says who - your wife? Oh, come on,
mate. I'm back now. I mean,
did you think of me once
when you were away?
Course I did. When? What d'you mean?
When did you think of me?
Tennis.
We were gonna play tennis,
but Stacey's rubbish, so we didn't.
But I thought, "If Smithy was here
now, we'd have a great game."
We would, an' all.
D'you want to play tomorrow?
I can't. I'm picking up
the wedding photos. For God's sake!
I'm gonna find out where they've
got to. This is ridiculous.
You all right, Pete?
Michael Shipman!
Mick Shipman!
What's it like to be you?
Where's Dawny?
I mean, you got the looks,
you got the wife,
you got the girth. What?
Would you say I was
a good-looking bloke? I mean,
do you think I'm attractive?
Well, right now
you've got black teeth.
Have I really?
Mick! Mick!
Pete is absolutely battered!
Never mind that! Just get in here.
What?!
What's going on?
We're all sat out there...
Dawn? You all right?
Seth's gone. Who's Seth? The big
black boy. The big black fella.
They met him on the Net. They were
gonna have a threesome but he took
one look at them and bolted. Blimey.
And Nessa's pregnant.
What?!
ALL: And Smithy's the father.
Shit a brick!
Does he know? No.
Where's Pete? Mick,
is he all right? Have you seen him?
Well... Yeah, I saw him just now.
He's sat there, drinking.
And laughing. Oh.
Will you go and get him for me,
please... I need my Pete.
Go on. All right.
You're very lucky, you two.
I've never had what you'd call
a BEST friend.
I had acquaintances, many.
But never anyone...y'know, BEST.
And I suppose
that's because I always had Trevor,
God rest his soul.
But, of course, he was my brother.
So that didn't really count.
And, I've always been close
with Nessa...
But that's as far as it goes.
I'll be back in a minute.
PETE LAUGHS
You all right, Dad?
Yeah. Give us a hand, will ya?
I said we should've got a new photo
done - been honest, warts an' all.
But what do I know?
Where we going? Ladies' toilets.
What?
So...are you gonna keep it?
Yeah. Are you?
Yeah. I am. I thought about it long
and hard, no word of a lie,
but then I watched Vera Drake,
twice, and I thought,
no, I can't be doing with all that.
Well, in that case, you have got
to tell him. She's right.
But I don't want him involved.
That's not up to you, my love.
There's two of you in this.
Oh, my Pete! Are you all right?
Seth's gone. I know.
Who's Seth? The black fella.
They met on the internet, they were
gonna have a three-way but he didn't
want to. He changed his mind.
And Nessa's pregnant. What?!
ALL: And Smithy's the father.
I'll be your best mate.
Will you?
Well, I sure as shit ain't got one
any more have. Come on, Smithy...
You're a young man. You've got
your whole life ahead of you.
You don't want to be tied down
to an old fogey like me.
You're not old, Bryn.
Are you? How old are you?
That, young man,
is a gentleman's prerogative.
Anyway, it's not how old you are,
it's how you are old.
You are so funny, Bryn.
You know that?
You crack me up every time!
Not like him,
the useless sack of shit.
Hey now, come on.
You're crossing the line there, son.
He's in love.
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
I love you Bryn-la, I do.
Let's meet up.
Every weekend. In Swindon.
Just me and you. Really?
Yes! All right, you're on!
Do you want some of Gwen's lasagne?
Bring it on!
All right, let's do it! Come on!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You've got to tell him tonight.
I know. I can't believe it.
How long have you known about this?
About three weeks. You've known for
three weeks and you didn't tell me?
I tried! Not that hard.
Don't argue, my loves,
it's not worth it.
I love you, Dawny.
You know when we were away,
and I said I had something
to tell you? Yeah.
I told you Nessa was in the original
line up of All Saints, but she left
cos she didn't get on with Shaznay?
I was trying to tell you then.
So you made all that up?
No. That was true.
It was a power struggle.
Look, none of this matters, who
told you when, and what have you.
What matters is, the person who
HASN'T been told is the person that
SHOULD'VE been, and he's out there.
Who, Bryn? No.
Smithy.
I'll come to Wales,
you can come up here.
I'll go to church with you.
We'll just hang out.
You know, like best mates do.
Do you think Mick will mind if
I finish this last slice of pizza?
So what if he does? I'll back you up.
Cos that's what best mates do.
Oh, Smithy.
I got something to tell you. What?
I'm pregnant.
And you're the father.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd