Gavin & Stacey (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

We set a date.

- Gavin and Stacey!
- Gavin and Stacey!

Bryn, we are not to mention
the other engagements.

- Stace will tell you when she's ready.
- I don't see the point of upsetting him.

When I get married in six weeks' time,

I want you standing there next to me...

as my best man.

Oh, Stace.

- I'm in a right mess.
- What do you mean?

- I'm late, aren't I?
- Are you sure?

Yes, you know me - regular as clockwork.



Whose is it then?

So how many of you are goin'?

I dunno... nine? Ten?
Smithy's organising it, isn't he?

I'm so worried...
What if you meet someone else?

How? Who? Anyway, what about you...

You're all going out in Cardiff
dressed as schoolgirls!

I know...

Well, just tell me you're not gonna
have sex with a lapdancer.

- What?!
- Just say...

'I'm not gonna have sex with a lapdancer.'

- I won't! I promise.
- Say it!

I'm not gonna have sex with a lapdancer.

Hi, Carol.

- Who's Carol?
- Look...



Would you feel better if I took my phone?

I thought Smithy said no phones?

- I know but if it'll make you feel better.
- Oh, thanks, babe.

No worries.
And if it goes to voicemail,

it's probably cos I'm having sex
with a lapdancer.

# Won a few more moments who can tell #

# But it took time to understand the man #

# Now at least I know, I know him well #

# - Wasn't it good?
- So good #

# - Wasn't he fine?
- Oh, so fine #

# - Isn't it madness?
- He can't be mine? #

I tell you what.

I still can't get over last night.
You were phenomenal.

Really? I was worried it might've
been too much for ya.

- Oh, God, no.
- Well...

you just play your cards right,
sweet cheeks,

you never know what might happen tonight.

Go on say it, now, quickly!

- No!
- Go on!

- No!
- Please, just whisper it!

It's always been you...

Camilla.

Mum, you seen my wax?
What you doing?

- Nothing!
- What's with the food?

- We ain't sticking round.
- Gavin.

You've got to line your stomachs.

- Toga party, is it?
- What?

Nah...

Smithy'll be here in a minute,
keep him downstairs, will ya?

Our little boy having his stag night, eh?

Oh, I know.

Oh, don't get me started.

Why aren't you going?

- It's not too late.
- Nah.

I've had it with stags. I've only
just got over Chinese Alan's.

Hey, he's getting married again.

To that one that was in EastEnders.

I know! Gita. So is he going tonight?

Chinese Alan? Oh, yeah...

There's him, Budgie, Luggy,

Gary'n'Simon, Dirtbox, Fingers,

Smithy, Swede and Jesus.

- So is Andy not going?
- Oh, no, don't think so.

Hiya boys!

- Dirtbox! You're looking well.
- Not looking too bad yourself!

- Hello, Pam, how ya doin'? You all right?
- Hiya, Dirtbox!

There's plenty of beers so help yourselves,

but please make sure you have
at least two sandwiches.

Come here, you little minx.
Give me a hug!

Get of me, you big brute!

Jesus, look at them.
Cracking vol au vents, Pam.

All right, boys?

Get that on and get that drunk.

- There's a cab pulling up!
- That'll be Chinese Alan. Chinese!

- Chinese!
- Chinese!

- Someone order a Chinese?
- Yeah!

Cos I couldn't get no appointment,
could I?

- Said it was for emergencies only.
- Well, when you gonna go then?

Seeing him Tuesday, aren't I?

Why don't we just buy a tester kit?
Get it over with.

- They're 15 quid!
- Really?

Well, I'll lend you the money.
Why don't we get one now from Morrisons?

- Leave it, Stace.
- Imagine if you are. Would you keep it?

- I said leave it.
- But what's Smithy gonna say?

Are you gonna tell him?
Oh, can I be godmother?

Look. I don't want to talk
about it no more.

At the end of the day it's your night
and, if truth be told,

all I want to do is go out,

get shit-faced, and have a curry
or a fight down Caroline Street.

- Oh, you're such a good friend.
- I know.

Well, this is a joke, Smithy.

- Yeah, making a man queue on his
stag night.

- Yeah. - You should've seen him,
'I'm gonna give him the best night ever!

'You won't believe it!' It's gonna
be the night of the year, he said!

How come I'm getting it in the neck?
Shouldn't we be taking the piss out of him?

Look at the beard!

- Off to work, ladies?
- Put your tongues back in, you pervs!

- Did you see the state of that?
- Rotten.

- She was all right.
- Smithy, man.

You've got, like, no standards.
Like, zero standards.

- How d'you mean?
- You'll go with anyone.

I think you could be right, you know.

I can't think of a single woman
I wouldn't let give me a little nosh.

- Oh, man. He's serious.
- Go on. Name one. Any woman.

- Ann Widdecombe.
- Why not?

- All right, Nadia from Big Brother.
- Bring it on.

But she's a bloke.

Shut your eyes, great babylons,
who am I to quibble?

- Janette Krankie!
- Yeah, Janette Krankie!

Seriously, I would love to have
a go on Janette Krankie.

Not in the uniform, as long
as she don't do the voice.

You could both do it standing up!

- No stag parties. Sorry.
- Oh, Jesus!

Don't have a go at me!

It's part of the stag experience.

Hey, it's gonna be crackin'.

There's a rugby tournament on tomorrow
and they're all out in town.

Under 21s, the whole lot of them.

- Erin's gone home.
- Aw, what?

Oh, Stace, she was twatted.
She said sorry.

- No, she didn't, she couldn't speak.
- Ah, fair play.

- Is that her sick outside?
- Some of it's hers. And some of it's Sean's.

- Who's Sean?
- The scrum half.

She copped off with him.

- He puked on her leg.
- She puked on his back.

- Ah, it was hilarious.
- Right. Come on girls, down in one.

- To Stacey!
ALL: - To Stacey!

Right, my round.

Same again?

I'll have a pint...of wine.

I really like your mate.
Is it Fingers?

- Yeah, yeah. He's gay.
- He's gay.

Very, very gay.

- We've known each other for years.
- Best mates since we were four.

Oh, sweet!

So what is it you do then?

- We're singers.
- Really?

Yeah. He's Preston from
the Ordinary Boys.

Oh, my God!

- And he's the fat one in Glo.
- Who?

Glo. They came second on the X Factor.

- Shut up!
- He is! He's the fat one, look.

Oh, yeah. You are!

Hi, how's it goin'?
Nice to meet you.

- See?
- So, what's with the T-shirts then?

Well, Gavin is an ordinary boy's name

- and my band is the Ordinary Boys.
- So...

- So, what you doing here then?
- Just out with the lads.

Yeah. Chico, Eton Road
and little Ray are there.

- No, they're not!
- Chico!.. Nah, he can't hear me.

Oh, it's Gareth Gates...
I'll take it outside, he'll be ages.

So... what d'you think of our
version of Bo-Rap?

Some people say it's better than Queen.

All right, love.

Yeah, it's great! Smithy's on fire.

You're not snogging any girls
or nothin', are you?

No, baby, don't be stupid.

- How's your night going?
- Aww. We're having a lovely time.

Everyone's really shit-faced.

Brilliant. Well, listen, you
enjoy yourself, OK?

OK. Speak to you tomorrow.
Love you.

Love you too.

- Excuse me, are you Stacey West?
- Yeah.

I'm PC Lovelength. And you,
young lady, are in big trouble.

Oh, my God.

Oh my God!

No way!

There's no way that's real.

That is lush.

- I can't eat this.
- I know. It's nasty, innit?

No, it's beautiful.

- It's just I can't believe it.
- What?

Shut up.

- How dare you...
- Smithy...

- Stay out of it, Chinese Alan.
- What's wrong?

I've had enough. You've gone.
You're someone else's.

Ignore him. He's pissed.

Best man. Best mates since
we were four. And now it's over.

You're just drunk. We'll always
be mates, you know that.

My dad hasn't seen his best man
for seven years.

When him and my mum got divorced
he sent an e-mail, degrading.

- He hasn't been round our house since 1991.
- Who? Your Uncle Keith?

- That's the one.
- But he emigrated to Canada.

Ah, look who's opened his mouth.

You're always first with advice
aren't you, Jesus?

No-one even wanted you here tonight,
I had to make that t-shirt

last minute. - That's not true.
- It is true! I can't stand ya.

And if Jesus wants me for a sunbeam,
he can shove it up his arse.

- What have I done?
- I'm going home.

I've made a fool of meself.

- Smithy, come on.
- Shut up.

- What you doin' with that?
- I'll have it tomorrow.

Smithy. Nice one, Jesus.

- What did I do? - Shut up!
- What did I... - Shut up!

I just love him so much!

And I know what you're all thinking.

That it's all too quick and...

this is sixth engagement.

But it's so different with Gavin.

It couldn't be less...
the same.

And all those other times with, like...

Leighton...

and Kyle and...

even Achmed.

I was just a child.

But now, I know what love is.

It's Gav.

Oh, Stace...

Don't get me wrong but to be honest...

At the end ofthe day,
when all's said and done...

- D'you know what I mean?
ALL: - Yeah.

Simple as.

I always used to call you Craig
when you was a little boy!

It doesn't feel right calling
a grown man Fingers.

- I mean, where does that come from?
- Don't ask.

Look at this, they reckon by the end of next year,
the congestion charge will go up to 12 quid.

- 12 pound a day.
- Yeah? That's why I don't drive.

You can't drive, you're still banned,
aren't you?

Yeah, but if you remember rightly,

first time I was banned I still
drove everywhere. But now,

congestion charge, speed cameras.
I mean, it's criminal.

You 'member Little Doug's stopped nicking
cars. Says it's not worth the hassle.

- How is Dougie?
- Not great.

They did the DNA test.

Turns out it was his semen on the
dress, so it's not looking good.

- Mornin'. You two still want a lift?
- Cheers. - If it's all right.

Yeah, but I've got to be with Barry
by one. You OK to drive?

- Have something more!
- I'm fine! I wasn't even that drunk.

- Here. Take this sausage, go on.
- Take these with you.

Give that to Gwen for the flowers, OK?

And this one to Bryn.
It's for the magician.

- What?
- Don't ask.

- Thanks, Pam.
- Cheers, Pamela. - See ya.

So I can't cook either
of you an omelette?

Can't face it, Gwen.

Eh, we had the police round
here this morning.

- Did you?
- Yeah! PC Lovelength, his name was.

- Wants his handcuffs back apparently.
- Oh, Mum.

It was so funny, he squirted
cream all over his...

- Only me!
- In here, Bryn! Tell me later.

- Hiya!
- Hiya!

- You two look rough!
- I feels it.

On HTV Wales this morning
they said Cardiff town

had been literally decimated

by a group of unruly schoolgirls.

Joking, I am. It wasn't on the news.

Although on the news there was a story

about some schoolgirls who actually
stabbed a teacher.

Which I think is disgusting.

- Cup of tea, Bryn?
- I won't actually, Gwen.

I've just had a skinny, wet latte at Costas.

I been to town, see.
Bought myself a suit.

Why?!

I told you, you're wearing the same
as Gavin and the ushers!

Tell it to the hand, girlfriend.

Not for the wedding. For the stag!

I mean, we've had the hen, the stag
must be just around the corner.

I looked in the wardrobe and I thought

there's nothing in here to keep up
with those young guns.

Foreign, it is. Swish.
Cost an arm and a leg.

But it's Gavin's stag and I think
he's worth it. So, when is it?

What?

Well, just tell him the truth.

Babe, I'm not having another
stag tonight. I can't!

Please, Gav. He'll be heartbroken.
He's bought a suit and everything.

- Hiya, babe.
- Hiya.

- Did you get through to Smithy?
- No, I'll try him in a minute.

All right, Gav?

Gavin, don't worry.

She's explained everything and I think
your friends are a shower of shit!

- I'm sorry you had to hear that.
- That's all right, Bryn.

But it makes me so cross to think of this

smashing looking boy not getting
a proper stag do.

It's OK. I didn't want one anyway.

I won't believe a word of it. Now,

I am picking you up at seven,

we're going straight down the Dolphin
for a right good knees up.

Me cockney sparra!

Gav-lar.

I feel rough.

Kebab was nice though, wasn't it?

I'm waiting for Lucy, she's got
a trampolining display.

What?

No! Just me, you and him?

No, I ain't comin' to Wales.

No chance.

- He's on his way.
- Oh, well done.

I'm sorry, Gav. But when Bryn gets
an idea in his head, that's it.

We'll be OK. Might even be a laugh.

I used to work down
the Dolphin, as it goes.

If you see Carl, tell him I says, 'All right'.

- I don't know who Carl is.
- He's got a tattoo that says, 'I'm Carl'.

- On his chin.
- Look who it is!

Hiya, Stace!

All right, Jase?

- How's it going, Ness?
- I won't lie to you, I've been better.

- You still gay? - Yep.
- Crackin'.

Jase, this is Gavin.
Gavin, this is my big brother Jason.

Yeah. Nice to meet you Gavin,
heard loads about you.

How come you're back so early?

I was coming over anyway, for the
wedding, but I had a cancellation.

So Jose said,
'Why don't you go back early?'

And I thought, 'Yeah, you know, why not?'

I'll go and spend time with my sister
before she takes the plunge.

Oh, it's so nice to see you.

I wish you'd told me you were coming.
I got nothing in! No beers,

I got a few eggs, a bit of ham
and that's it.

- Oooh, I could do an omelette!
- Ah, nothing changes.

Have you tried this woman's
omelettes? Best in South Wales.

- Yes I've had one or two.
- Only me!

I forgot to say, I...

Hi, Uncle Bryn.

You're back then.

Well, this is where
we're having the reception.

And see these tables?
They get moved for the dance floor.

What's your first dance?

I want A Million Love Songs by Take That,
but Gav wants How Deep Is Your Love.

- But the Take That version.
- Nice.

And what about the food?

Well, Gav's mam's vegetarian so we're having
these special little quiches made for her.

Oh, look. Why don't you come in
the front room with everyone else?

This has knocked the stuffing out
of me, Gwen. A real ton of bricks.

He's here for ten days.

Can't you at least try to be civil to
him for Gavin and Stacey's sake?

You two got on good as gold
before that fishing trip!

- I don't want to talk about it.
- But why, Bryn, why?

- Don't!
- What happened out there? What went on?

I can't say. You know l can't!

Now, I will go in that front room and
I will be polite and I will be civil.

But do not ask any more of me than that.

And how many more have you
got coming for the evening...

Jason, I think it's very
thoughtful of you to

come back early to support
your sister and your mother.

Thank you, Uncle Bryn.
I appreciate that.

- And then for the cars, we got this.
- Nice! A Bentley.

Yeah. We wanted a horse and carriage
but they'd totally run out of horses.

- Really?
- Yeah. I was gutted.

We're gonna need our own cab firm, there'll
be that many people wanting a drink.

Hey, don't forget, I can get
four in the Picasso.

- But Uncle Bryn...
- Doris will need a lift.

And Aunty Peg will need taking to the door.

- I've never been in a Bentley before.
- Hang on a minute...

And me and the bridesmaids are going
in a stretched Mercedes.

I've been practising the walk.
Right together,

- left together and you go on my right,
don't you, Stace? - Look...

It's on the right. Walking down the aisle,
it's terrifying. All those faces looking.

Wait, I think there's been
a misunderstanding.

Jason, I'm so sorry.
But you won't be giving me away.

- Why not?
- Oh. Right.

I know it's what you wanted.
But the thing is,

since Dad died,

well, I don't know how we'd have coped
if it wasn't for you, Uncle Bryn.

And that's why I want you to give me away.

As a thank you, really.
For all that you've done for us.

And I think it's what Dad would've wanted.

So will you? Give me away?

I'd be honoured.

Bit of a kick in the teeth
for you that, eh, Jase?

- Cheers.
- Yeah, cheers.

Here's to the big day.
And the big night.

Shame Jason couldn't make it.

What's the deal with you two? Stacey
said something about a fishing trip.

There he is! Over here!

All right?
All right, Bryn?

Here he is, the best man.

Now, let me say my piece
before we get started.

You, young man, are a disgrace.

What kind of best man doesn't
organise a stag for the groom?

This poor chap, he's not known
where to turn because you

have been filling his head with
nonsense about him not needing one.

I shouldn't have to organise
all this tonight!

I know. I'm out of order.

Apology accepted.
We'll say nothing more about it.

Now, stick these on. And I'll get you
a drink. What's your poison?

Beer, cheers. Thanks.

- What a shit hole!
- I'm sorry, mate.

I've just seen a bloke with
a tattoo on his chin.

- That'll be Carl.
- Hey! Get those antlers on you!

Don't talk to me.

So I've got to spend every
minute with them?

Sharing a room and everything?
But no funny business?

Yeah. It's difficult.
I'd marry Anneka Rice.

Are we talking Pam St Clements
as herself or as Pat Butcher?

- Pat Butcher.
- That changes everything

because I don't think
I could sleep with her.

But, on the other hand, I don't think I
could spend a year with Davina McCall.

- The thing is, he don't even have a dog!
- I don't even like them!

Stop it! I can't take it!

You know what, you remind
me of my friend, Roy.

You get yourself in a pickle but
somehow you always wriggle out of it.

Dead now, Roy. Killed himself.
Jumped off the top of Morrisons.

- Who's for another drink?
- I'll get these.

I'm having a whale of a time.

I don't believe it. It's Achmed!

ACHMEEEED!

Bryn!

I thought you'd moved to Swindon!

I have. I'm back to see my mum,
she had her appendix out.

What a treat.
Come on, come and join us.

I'm meeting a friend, actually,
but I've got a few minutes.

Smithy, another pint in.

Gavin, this is Achmed. Achmed, Gavin.

- All right, mate. Nice to meet you.
- All right?

Gavin is Stacey's fiancee. They're getting
married exactly one week from today.

Well, at least you set a date.

- That's further than most, eh, Bryn?
- What d'you mean?

Well, when we were engaged,
we never got that far.

You were engaged to Stacey?
My Stacey?

- Stacey West?
- Stacey West. Yeah.

I was number four.
You must be, what, number six?

Where's Smithy with those drinks?

- How've you been, Achmed?
- Number six? What you on about?

I was number four, no, let's see...

- Who was first, Bryn? Was it Kyle?
- Here he is!

- Let me help you with those.
- No, it was Hywel.

That's right.
Then Kyle, Leighton, me, Cliff and now you.

- Yeah, you're number six.
- She's been engaged five times?

- What?
- Yeah. Didn't you know?

No, I didn't know.

Cos nobody told me!

Don't think of it as some kind of
conspiracy. Cos it wasn't like that.

It's just Stacey felt it was better
if we kept it from you.

Hang on a minute. What's going on?

I feel awful.
It was a long time ago.

- Right, who are you?
- I don't care how long ago it was.

She knows everything about me.

- Where you going?
- I'll be back in a minute.

Gav?

Oh, hiya! Why didn't you
come round the back?

Why didn't you tell me you'd
been engaged five times?

- What?
- Why didn't you tell me?

- Gavin!
- Yeah. Havin' a lovely night.

- I've just had a drink with your ex fiancee!
- Oh, my God!

How d'you think I feel, Stace?

- Was it Clifford?
- No.

- Leighton? - No.
- Hywell?

- No, Achmed.
- But he's moved to Swindon!

He's home to see his mum.
She's had her appendix out.

- Well, don't stand there. Come in and talk.
- No, I ain't stopping.

- Where you going?
- I dunno!

I dunno anything, do I?
I don't know who you are.

I'm meant to be marrying you
a week today, that's a joke!

- Oh, come on, you're overreacting.
- Am I?

I didn't tell you cos I knew it
would look worse than it was.

I might have been engaged six times
but I've only been in love once.

- And that's with you.
- How can I believe that?

If you'd have told me at the start
I could've dealt with it.

But now it just feels like...

Y'know, we've been treating
it like this is the first time

for both of us. Really exciting and that.

- But you've done it all before.
- No! - Five times!

Five times, Stacey.

And now I'm just doubting everything.

- Maybe it is too soon, maybe Smithy's right.
- No, you're talking rubbish.

I been thinkin' about it a few days,
maybe it is too quick.

- No... - Maybe we should put the brakes
on, postpone the wedding.

- Or just call it off!
- That's what you want, is it?

Yeah! Maybe.

You want to postpone our wedding
because of things that happened

before I even knew you?
Before we'd even met?

- I love you so much. - I love you.
- But this...

This is just ridiculous.

- Gav!
- See ya.

Gavin! Please don't go!

Gavin!