Gavin & Stacey (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

So, to recap,

I'm in love wiht my flatmate,
but I never get a second alone with her.

That's not her.
Actually, who is that?

'Morning.

I was feeling down about Abby,

the girl of my dreams
having a boyfriend.

So I went out, got drunk

and had sex with a stranger.

I don't know why.
I don't feel any better.

Listen, I really got to dash but,

I had a really good time, last night.
We should do it again some time.



What is your number?

Listen,

I don't think
I should give you my number.

Why?

5 Bad reasons
for not seeing someone again

I don't think I should give you
my number because, you were shit in bed.

I work for the government,
so I can't have relationships.

Get out, quick.

My number's cursed
if you call it, you'll die.

Because I'm gay.
I mean, I wasn't before,

but after last night

definitively a gay man now.

Because, I'm in love with someone else.

You're in love with someone else?



Sometimes the truth
is the best option.

Do you always cheat on your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

- But, you're in love?
- Yeah.

I've been trying to get her
to fall for me for weeks.

God, I know all about that one.

My roommate confessed to be madly
in love with me the other week.

- Did he?
- She.

She?

I probably shouldn't have kissed her
that night.

I just go a bit mental when I'm drunk.

Maybe, you should take my number.

I can pop around next week,
with a bottle of absinthe

or Samuel Bucka.

- That'd be fun.
- Yes, it would.

When you leave, would you mind
popping a sheet over your head?

La Dickeads Team pr?sente...

VO : DeX

Synchro : mpm et SilverArrow

Episode 2 Saison 1

The Young Ones

How Not To Live Your Life

Every morning, since I moved
in my dead Nan's house,

I wake up to find Eddy in the kitchen.

That's him, there, look.

He was my nan's carer,
but he still turns out to do errands,

even though she's dead.

Donald Danbury,
wants he a little drinklet?

Coffee, tea, tisane?

He's weird. I mean, what sort of human
like doing things for other people?

So, drinklet?

Why do you keep adding "let"
on the ends of words?

It's just a thing I do.

Well, just stop it.
It's annoying me.

Don't you like to have fun
with words, sometimes?

What do you call an omelette?
An omelettelet?

Is this your way of asking me
if I make you breakfast?

One omelettelet, on its way.

It's nice and quiet today, isn't it?

- Glad cockface ain't here.
- Who?

Cockface.

You know, Abby's boyfriend, Karl.

- What do you call?
- Feeling a bit stupid?

Why?

The cockface thing?
No, it's just a friendly nickname.

Like gibbon tits, or vagina eyes or...

twat.

It's just, you know, something I do.

So,

you're here,

again.

Abby never wants to come over to mine.
So whenever I want to see her, I have to

come here.

Well, I have the perfect solution.

What?

Dump her.

That way, you don't have to come here.

And then everyone
and I mean everyone's a winner.

Brat?
I don't know what she sees in you.

What she sees in me? Why, is she...

- She said something about me?
- Anyway, I'll be away this week-end.

So you'll have the place to yourselves.

- Ourselves?
- Yeah, you and your boyfriend.

He is not my boyfriend.

There you go sexy pants.

He has never said that before.

3 Times Eddie has said that before

There you go, sexy pants.

There you go, sexy pants.

There you go, sexy pants.

Right, are you nearly ready?

- That look tasty.
- You want some?

No I'm fine. Thanks.
No, go on. It's amazing!

You see? The perfect couple.

Me and Abby. Not him.

Babe, can I have a word?

Look, I can't keep coming over here.
It's him, I just gonna bite him.

Let's not talk about this right now,
thank you.

Are you sure you're okay with coming.
Of course, I can't wait.

What are you planing?

We're taking my kids away
for the week-end.

You've got kids? You never said!

- The kids I teach at school.
- God, you're useless Donald.

Promise me that you're not gonna be
on your mobile phone

- the all time over there.
- I promise.

Look, they don't need me
at the conference today.

You know, I ran it passed Suzy
last night.

- What? You're going as well?
- He's a life saver.

There's a horrible dicky tummy bug
going around the school.

All of the teachers
are dropping like flies.

- And they'll have to cancel the trip.
- Abby happens to think that men

who are good with kids are sexy.
Don't you babe?

Really?

Well, a little bit, yeah.

I'm just gonna go.

- You have everything that you need?
- Yeah, I've got 3 pairs of pants,

and I brought my trunks.

Once we hit the road,
I'm turning it off. I promise.

Karl Menford speaking.

- Hello, it's Suzy.
- Hi, Suzy.

God, you sound awful.

What? You got a dicky tummy bug.

- What?
- Sorry, yes.

But I thought you said it would be OK.
It'll be fine.

Sorry to break it to you.

I'm afraid you're going to have to come
to the conference.

There's no way out of it. Hang on.

Get lost.

Also, your dad said

that if you don't come{\ to the conference},
he'd bite your balls off.

- He said that?
- Sorry, yes.

Right, yep, yep, okay. Bye.

- What's going down?
- Darling?

Great. We're supposed
to be leaving in an hour.

How am I gonna find
somebody else to come

It turns out they do need me there
today, I have to.

Apparently my dad said
he'd bite my balls off.

- If I didn't show.
- I'll come.

I don't think so.
Abby needs a responsible adult.

Oh, you.

But it's looking after kids.

I love kids.

- Really?
- Yeah. Kids.

I just love their innocence.
Their thick little minds.

So easily influenced.

Sometimes, if I'm walking
past the school playground,

I'll just stop and watch them play.

Careful, you can be put
in a list for that.

Bite me.

So? What do you reckon?

Great, it's agreed. I'm coming with.

I'll just get dressed.

I'll be honest, I hate kids.

But this was the only way I could be
with Abby without cockface there.

Why don't you go on and say hi
to the kids and introduce yourself?

How hard can it be?

You just got to speak to children on
their level, without patronizing them.

Right. Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up.

Right. "A".

Less "Mr Danbury" ballcrap.

You can call me Don or the Double D.

And 2,

keep the noise down.

See, I went out last night,
and I got absolutely shitfaced.

It was a really good night actually.

But now, I've got a headache,
I feel like puking up my innards.

I really wanna quite frankly kill myself

and your noise isn't helping.

So be good little midgets
and shush your mouth.

Good.

You got them to be quiet.

You're a natural-born teacher.

Well, you know.

When you're ready, driver.

So, after two hours
of throwing up my innards,

we go to the campsite and it where dawn
to me what we were doing.

I've never been one for the outdoors
and nature.

Bollocks.

Cocking bollocks.

Remember, there are children here.

You, you little shit.
Help me erect my tent.

What?

There are certain words you cannot use
in front of the kids.

What, "erect"? That's probably
a little a bit iffy, nowadays.

No, I'm talking about the swearing.

I haven't been swearing.

3 Times Don "hasn't" been swearing

That is... shit.

This so fucking.

Should we just... of to a hotel?

Sorry, I didn't realized
I was doing that.

Never mind, but,
no more for no on, yeah?

We gonna go in a walk, soon,
do you think you'll be ready?

Of course, shouldn't take long
to put up. Should it?

And so I spent the afternoon
with the kids.

I won them over
by pretending to fall over,

honestly, I was pretending.

I was like the teacher they never had.

They respected me
as an authority figure.

And I made them laugh.

Help me! Help me!

Well, kind of.

Then, that night, I finally got Abby
on her own.

This was my chance to charm her.
Tell her romantic tales.

When the lights came back on,

I realized it was my nan Betty
I'd be groping.

It was so embarrassing.

- I don't know, nothing. Don't worry.
- No, what?

- You'd get offended.
- No I wouldn't.

- Promise?
- I promise.

Why do you act like a prick?

What?

See, you're offended.

What would you expect?
You just called me a prick.

No, I said you act like a prick.
There is a difference.

You know, I think I'm the only person
that get to see the real you.

Alright.

Why are you with Karl?

- What's that got to do with anything?
- It's got nothing to do with anything.

But I just wanna know.
You know, you two are so different.

It's weird.

Mr Danbury, I can't sleep.

Midget, get lost.
We're talking, here.

- What's up Sammy?
- I need to do a poo.

And I want the Double D to take me.

- You don't mind, do you?
- No way, Jos?.

I think the poo
is starting to come out.

Alright, I'm coming.

Alright.

I can't be ask to try
and find the toilet.

This tree will do.

Go on, do you bum rubbish.

What?

Deposit some ass trash.

Quicker.

You owe me big time, Sammy.

I was finally getting
somewhere with Abby.

- Who's Abby?
- Miss Jones, to you.

Is she a girlfriend, sir?

- I wish.
- I wish she was my girlfriend too.

I saw her first, you keep away.

This is a good idea, coming on
this trip. Showing I'm good with kids.

- Sir, there's no...
- Shut up, I'm thinking aloud.

Shut up!

You see, I listen to my balls.

And my balls never let me down.

They said:
"Don, you gotta get rid of Karl,

take his place on the strip
and Abby will be yours forever".

Clever balls.

- Sir?
- What?

There's no toilet paper.

- Don't got a napkin or something?
- No.

Just use one of your socks.

We're back.

What's up?

Well, what a... pleasant surprise

I can believed
you just showed up like this.

- Neither could I.
- What are you gonna do about tomorrow?

It's alright, babe.
I just told my dad

I can't always be a slave
to the company.

There's a girl in my life
who I happen to love very much.

And she

is more important.

What a cockface!

You got that right.

- Well, let's get less talking.
- Surely, what can I do?

Here, catch this.

- What's this?
- Sammy's sock, it needs cleaning.

How is he getting on with the kids?

Good, I think.

Right, I'm going to take Sammy to bed.

I think I'm gonna hit the hut.
Are you coming?

Yeah, I'll be in there in just a sec.

- 'Night Sammy.
- 'Night Double D.

I went into work, earlier.

And there was Suzy
all perky and healthy.

Funny that?

Not laugh out loud, funny.

I mean, I wouldn't certainly use it
in an after dinner speech.

I came to the conclusion

that someone
must have hoaxed the call.

I wonder why someone would do that.

What?

I'm going to bed

with my girlfriend.

'Night Don.

I couldn't believe cockface was there.

Just as I was finally
making progress with Abby.

Alright, she just called me a prick.

But I knew
what she was really getting at.

To make things worse,
I had to sleep on my own, in a tent,

with strange noises outside.

I'm from the city,

I used to the comforting sounds
of car alarms and people screaming help.

4 places Don would rather be right now

It's Don.

I know it might seem weird, but,
can I come in there and sleep with you?

- Why?
- For Peter Sake.

Good one, Don.
See you in the morning.

- He cracked me.
- No, I'm being serious.

It's just I keep hearing noises.

Don't worry about it, it's just nature.

I'm worried nature might climbed
into my tent and rape me.

- Don't be a baby.
- I can deal with this, Karl.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Yeah it is. It's a great idea.

Go away, Don.

You'll be fine.

I see you in the morning.
Bright and early.

- 'Night.
- 'Night.

After a weird dream

where I was the ringmaster
of a traveling midget show.

I woke up, to the sight of midgets.

- Morning.
- Morning Double D.

I think Sammy is going
to take a real show into you.

You become
a bit of an influence on him.

You should always
listen to your balls.

That's disgusting.

I think
you're really rubbing off on him.

Please, don't ever say
I'm rubbing off one of the kids.

Makes me feel uneasy.

What's on the agenda today?

I thought we'll all go
to a scavenger hunt.

- Sounds fun.
- No, you must have misheard her,

- she said "scavenger hunt".
- Yeah, I love stuff like that.

I was a sixer in the scout
when I was younger.

Don't worry, we won't be out there
for long. I'm...

whiteout to this country.

- What?
- Just picking up twigs.

You don't have to be
Christopher Columbia.

You think it's easy, do you?

Yes, I do.

Easy and boring.

Well, then,

how about we make it interesting.

- OK. Should we do it on mushrooms?
- No, I'm talking about a little wager.

Right kids?
We'll be split up into two teams.

The winning team doesn't have
to cook or wash up tonight.

Now, who's with me?

- What's going on?
- It's alright, babe.

- I'm not sure this is a good idea.
- A little competition is helpful.

- Who wants to be in my team?
- That's lots of pressure you're putting

- on Don making him go alone with them.
- He'll be fine.

It's only for a couple of hours.
Trust me, babe.

It will be fun.

Right, what sort of stuff

do we do on the scavenger thingy?

The Scavenger Thingy

- Hey, how was it?
- Great fun.

- Yeah?
- My feet hurt.

It was hard work.

No pain, no gain. Kiddies.

You pushed them too hard.

Just enough to succeed.
Any sign of Don, yet?

No, not yet.

Yes, kiss my ass,
I knew I'd shit in his face.

Sorry.

Sorry kids, come on.

I shouldn't have let you
talk me into this.

God. What was I thinking?

Please, let them be OK. Please.

Look, stop panicking, babe.

They'll be fine.

Okay, kids,
I'm gonna leave it with you.

We're lost.

We're lost in the middle of nowhere,
in the dark, with no provisions.

That's not looking good.

What's gonna happen to us, sir?

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

'cause I think
you're old enough for it.

I think you might all die.

You're just acting like a little girl.

So are you.

- That's 'cause I am one.
- "That's 'cause I am one."

Oh, God.

I'm cold. Are you cold? I'm cold.

So scary. Oh, God.
Abby's gonna kill me.

As if we don't get killed
by something else first. Help!

Now, I just want to clarify one thing.

I wasn't actually that scared.
I wasn't.

It was reverse psychology.

Look at them, they're calm.
Had I been calm, they'd be freaking out.

Loosing their minds.
Maybe even eating their own bum rubbish.

It isn't how I pictured my death.

With a group of midgets.

I always thought of dying
in the arms of a beautiful prostitute.

At the age of 120.

Me, not the... beautiful prostitute.

Only in the future, of course,
they'd have android escorts.

Prostidroids. Ho-bots.

Sir, look!

- What is it boy?
- Lights.

We're saved.

Quick, come on children, run!

Run like the wind!

Oh my God, it's a pub, we're saved.

Come on, hurry up.

Come on, it's cold, hurry up.

- Sorry mister, no children allowed.
- I don't believe it.

They don't let kids in.

Come on, you'll all wait outside.

Come on.
I'll only have a couple. No more.

Come on.

A pot of your best please. Gorgeous.

It's cold out there, ain't it.

If you don't mind me asking,

what's a man of your age
doing with all those kids.

- It's suspect, isn't it?
- Well...

4 bad reasons for having kids with you

I collect rare kids.

It's a kind of hobby of mine.
Well, more a passion.

They're not kids, they're adults.
They suffer from that aging disease.

You know, like Gary Coleman?
What you talking about Willis?

Yeah, I'm a child catcher.

They actually exist.

They're mine children.
What can I say.

I just can't keep it in my pants.

They're all your kids?

That one there, that's Sammy.
One next to him, that's Sucky.

And the big one, that's Ting Tao.

Look, the landlord isn't in, tonight.

Seems a bit harsh
to make them wait outside.

Thanks, barmaid.

Right. What you want?

I don't trust him.

And why are you always
sticking up for him, I'll never know.

Anyone would think...

What? Anyone would think what?

He may not have his life
all figured out like you.

But he has been lovely this weekend.
You had to go and push him, didn't you?

They'll be fine.

I'm sure they're gonna be fine.

This little fellow is Sam Bucka.

Sir Samuel of Bucka.

Mister Bucka to you, lads.

Okay, we're ready.

Of to three. One,

two, three. Go!

What have we learn this evening,

children?

We learned that white wine
isn't actually white.

- That's more like greeny color.
- Brilliant.

White

not... green.

Excellent. Anyone else?

Yes, Thingy.

I think we should be getting back
to camp, sir.

Boring.

Ms. Jones might be getting worried.

May be your point.

One more before
we hit the road, though?

Whose round is it?

I can't get a bloody signal, out here.

What's that?

I can hear something.

I want everyone

in bed immediately.

Now!

I got the sneaking suspicion
that Abby was a bit cross.

Is it wrong that I found that sexy?

I really want a kebab.

- I love you, Miss.
- Go to bed, Sammy.

What were you thinking?

And you?

- What? Why me?
- Just go to bed, Karl.

- I want a word with you.
- Want you a bean?

Are you drunk?

A little bit.

Where the hell have you bean, Don?

I've been freaking out,
properly freaking out.

I thought you might have been.
That's why I left the pub when I did.

You see?
Thoughtful. Not at all prickish.

You was in the pub?
That's were you've been all this time.

We got lost,
you're map was very confusing.

I can't believe you. I can't believe
you took my kids drinking.

Well, I wouldn't call it drinking.
We just had 4 or 5 shots.

In fact, some of them puke them
right back out, so technically, none.

Except for the fat kid.

She could knock'em back.

Don't you get it?

I could lose my job over this.

Sorry.

I just wanted to show you
that I'm good with children.

It's my own fault.

How did I get it so wrong?

So, I'm back to were I started.

I'm nowhere closer to win over Abby.
I've got a monster hangover.

And Eddy's in my house.

I don't know why you drink so much.

- Because it's fun.
- Fun?

You obviously don't know
the effect of alcohol.

Yeah I do.
It makes you think you're always right.

It makes other people far
more attractive.

And it makes food that you wouldn't
normally touch taste amazing.

Correct?

Enter.

I made a huge mistake this weekend.

Don't be silly.

You were great.

I mean with you.

I should never let you come.

- You know I'm sorry, right?
- You won Sammy's heart.

- What do you mean?
- It turns out the kids had

a blast on the field trip.
He wants you to come on all of them.

Cool. Count me in. I'm there.

You never coming on one again, mister.

Right.

Anyway.

I know your heart
was in the right place.

Thank you for the weedend Mr Danbury!

Bed bath?

Okay.