Gates (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Helen and Mark Pearson move to the Home counties and their 9-year old daughter Chloe starts a new school. Helen is keen to distance herself from parental gatherings at the school gates which will lead to out of hours group involvement but the inexperienced Mark manages to get roped into giving a talk to the pupils and Ofsted and is followed home by parents expecting a drinks do. Unlike Helen other mothers Mia and Sarah are anxious to drum up schemes involving parents and Sarah's husband Aidan hopes to keep in with progressive headmaster Mr Gould by giving him the benefit of his supposed wisdom. Deputy Miss Hunter is more interested in drink than forming young minds.
You just walk straight in.
Head down. No eye contact.
The second the drop has been
made you go, go, go, and
get the hell out of there.
Don't you think you're taking this
just a tiny bit too... Too?
Seriously?
They're all out there, you know.
They've probably already spotted us.
And they are?
The parents. We're fresh meat, Mark.
One sign of weakness, one slip
and they will take you down.
You haven't done this before.
These gates are a jungle.
Sarah. Hi.
Good morning, good morning.
Go anywhere nice on holiday?
Turkey.
Oh nice. I went there.
I got food poisoning.
Oh! Probably no Spiderman socks
tomorrow, OK. Morning.
Can't stop, clipped in. Have a good
one, Zack. You've got his lunch box!
Aiden!
Right. Let's do this.
In and out. Am I being crazy?
Am I being a crazy woman?
Totally insane...
but in a good way.
Hi! Oh, God. Erm... Don't move.
Do nothing. Just... nothing.
We can't do nothing. She's right
there. No! You don't understand.
The minute you wind down that window
it's all over for us.
It's like an infection.
We have to keep an air lock.
It's over, Helen. No.
I hoped I'd bump into you newbies!
How's it going? Fine, thanks.
Hey you, this is Sam.
Say hello, Sam.
Hello.
Sorry, he's a bit S-H-Y, I'm afraid.
No, I'm not. He is.
So I'm Mia, I'm class rep for 4B,
so we should swap info at coffee.
Dump the nippers, hit the caffeine,
that's our motto. You coming?
Actually, Mark is dropping off.
I've got to get to work.
Great! OK, we'll see you there
then, Marco. Frank's, 9:15.
I'd love to. I really would.
But sadly duty calls.
I've got to get to work as well.
So another time maybe.
Oh, shame.
Well, see you around then.
See, dealt with.
How easy was that?
Oh, you've a lot to learn
if you think she's done with you.
Aaah, Miss Hunter, nice to see
you back. Raring to go I presume?
You do indeed presume.
Nothing like the smell of
a brand new marker pen
to herald in a new term.
You should be careful with those,
they can be habit forming.
Go. Have a good day. Go. Have
a good day. Go. Have a good day.
Go. Have a good day.
Go. Have a good day.
Mum? Mum? Can you put me down now?
Sorry, yes, yes, off you go.
Come on, you.
Because of his emphysema!
Don't transfer me, seriously
do not transfer me again!
I ain't joking. Can I help you?
Me? No, sorry, I'm all good.
Newbie! Don't you worry,
safe with me. I'll walk you in.
Oh, at least I'm not the only
lone dad, eh? Oh, what him?
No, he's not a dad,
he's a Nanny "The Manny!"
Hey Ciaro. No, I...
Come and say hi to the newbie.
Hello. Ciaran's an actor, aren't you
mate? I do a bit of acting, yeah.
Wow.
I've never seen him in anything.
Well, it's a lot of stage work.
He's not even gay! I can play gay.
Hiya. I'm Melissa. You new? Yes,
yes. I should be wearing a badge!
Give him a flyer, Candy.
Oh, oh, right, you're a hairdresser.
Now I know where to come
if I fancy some highlights.
Great, I can do you and your wife
together then. Tonight.
Tonight?
Tonight's not good actually.
I'm already getting my
hair cut. By my brother.
Vidal. Vidal Pearson.
Come on, I'll take you in.
All right, baby.
Have a good day. Love you.
Exciting, isn't it?
The zipped up promise of a
brand new pencil case.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.
So what? You must be year six?
I'm the headmaster.
No, I was just joking.
Best I could pass for
is late twenties!
But even then there's no room
for an adult learner in the
state primary system.
Sarah.
Er, no it's, it's Mark.
Very good. No, no, I'm Sarah!
Ooh, that's very firm.
Yes, sorry, builder's handshake,
can't be helped.
No, I like it actually,
it's erm... it's reassuring.
Sometimes you need that
kind of solidity, don't you,
when everything around you
is changing?
Actually I can't...
Are you coming to coffee? No, I've
told the Australian lady I can't.
Mia? No, that's a completely
different thing altogether.
Well sadly I have to work so...
But it's at pick up.
Is it? Since when?
Since we had to incorporate parents
who work into our throng.
He's not in your throng. Yet.
He's in my throng.
Truth be told, I can't
be in anyone's throng.
Why?
Because I really
have to get to work.
And after work?
Yes, what about after work?
After work... I, er... told
Chloe... that we'd make pancakes.
Cos we had this massive over
delivery of milk so...
Weirdest thing,
I'm clean out of milk.
So why don't
you bring some to pick up,
I'll take it off your hands?
Yep, yep, sounds sensible. Yeah.
Do you want any milk, Sarah?
Actually, yeah.
I would love some of your milk.
Right. Well, er...
two pints of milk.
Gotta dash. Lovely to... Yeah.
Don't forget the milk! Yep.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi, mush.
Sorry, you all right, mate?
You could have bloody killed me!
Really sorry, I didn't see you.
I'm in a high vis jacket! Cleats!
What? Cleats! Cleats!
Oh, cleats. Sorry.
Here, let me give you a hand up.
I don't need your help. What?
I know what you lot are like.
Right, OK, this is getting stupid.
Don't call me stupid!
I didn't call you stupid,
I just said this is getting stupid.
Don't throw carrots at me!
I'll throw carrots at you if I want.
I'm not scared of you, you meathead.
Good morning.
Good morning.
What does that say?
Miss Hunter.
Very good. And that is me.
And we're going to spend
the rest of this year together.
One whole year.
People get less time for assault,
and I should know.
What have I written?
Hangover.
Very good. Now what does
that mean, do you think?
And how does it make me feel?
'OK, here we go, operation pick-up.'
Get Chloe in your sights.
Get in, get out, no delays.
Understood?
Affirmative. Hey, hey.
Hi, Dad. Troy's coming for tea.
'And don't make any friends.'
Troy, is there
another way out of here?
Follow me.
Yeah, good. Move, move, move.
Are you all right?
Sorry, hay fever.
Miss Hunter, if, if you were to
mark your performance today,
what would you give yourself?
Eight.
Eight? Wow. Excellent.
That's the attitude -
aim for the moon
and if you miss you'll be
one of the stars that...
Thing is, Miss Hunter, we can't
have teachers with hangovers.
Hangovers?
You wrote it on the board,
in front of the children!
I wrote "Hanover", Mr Gould.
Capital of Lower Saxony, Germany.
Key stage two geography syllabus.
No running in the corridor.
Sorry, sir.
'What was that?'
I think I've just been told off.
Gute nacht, Mr Gould.
Yes, we did it. Back at the van.
I'm proud of you, Pearson. Good work
back there. Well done, team. Get in.
Right, well, er,
I guess I'll see you later, baby.
All right, I'll see you later.
See you later. Love you.
Whoa! Marco, do you
remember our little problem?
No. You know, the whole work,
coffee, pancake, milk fiasco?
Oh, right, yeah. Well Auntie Mia's
only just gone and solved it.
I mean what kind of lunatic
has coffee without milk?
So you don't have to come to coffee,
coffee will come to you.
We'll do it at yours.
How great is that? Everyone's on.
Lead the way to the mountain,
Mohammed. They will follow.
Sarah?
Don't worry, I'm coming too.
As long as you don't think I'm
the sort of woman who normally
goes home with a man
she's only just met.
No, of course, course not.
It's just, it's just a coffee.
Yeah, that's what they all say,
isn't it? "Just a coffee."
So what are we waiting for?
Hey, Auntie Mia's struck
liquid gold.
Mark had done his best to
hide them behind the Frubes,
but I can snuffle out cheap plonk
like a pig on truffles.
Here we go, Soph,
are you going to have some?
I mean, basically, it's like a drug.
Sometimes I just want to quit,
you know?
But then this damn business
calls out your name again,
it's never my agent,
it's never my agent.
It's "Ciaran, Ciaran."
Empties anywhere? No?
So, I guess it's probably time that
I started to let you go now really,
what with it being
a school night and all.
Yeah, falling into the
wrong relationships
can be so suffocating,
don't you think?
Absolutely, yeah.
You see a blackbird in the garden.
Sorry?
It watches you for a moment,
with an amused beady eye then it
flies off over the fences,
completely free, and you think,
"Why didn't I do that years ago?"
Where's the erm...? Oh, gone past
it. Having trouble with that.
You're home. Red or white?
Babes?
Baby?
Mark?
Mmm? You awake?
Yeah, I'm awake. Just wanted
to remind you to take some
cakes in to school today.
Mmm. Done. Already? Mmm.
Oh, and erm, Chloe's Tudor project?
Done.
OK. Well see you later then, shall I?
Mmm. Later.
Oh, and Mark? Could you please do
something about the hole?
And maybe don't invite the whole
school round for a party today.
Chloe! Chloe! Get up, we're late!
We're really late.
We've got er... Oh, God, cakes
to make and a Tudor thing to do
and something else that
I can't quite remember,
and we're really, really late.
Very catchy.
Says what it is, Miss Hunter.
School and home partnership
workshop, er... week.
Oh, parents week?
I prefer partnership workshop.
Will there be hammers and chisels?
I will have Ofsted eating
out of my hand by Friday.
What a revolting thought.
They see the parents here supporting
their children at close range,
bridging the chasm between our
learning hub and their home space.
You have met the parents?
I don't think you're silly.
Honestly. Taking your art into
school is a brilliant idea but...
You never support me or my work.
I do! I loved Marzipan Diana.
So why did you let
Zack eat it then, huh?
The real reason
you don't want me there
is cos you're worried
I'll show you up.
Has Mummy taken her Tuesday pills
on a Monday again?
Have you finished, sweetie?
I need some more blue.
Daisy? That was amazing.
Right, if you go and take the cakes
to Miss Hunter or something,
right, and I'll just grab the bag
and the Tudor thing...
Dad? Dad?
Why am I the only one in spots? Huh?
OK, so it's not
sick bear charity day, is it?
Oh, dear. Got the wrong day, did we?
We did, yes. We did.
Ahem!
I...I... I did.
What happened to you? Fall over?
I'm sure if I did
you'd be there to pick me up.
Erm, no, Mr Gould asked me
to do a mosaic for the
partnership workshop thing.
Oh right,
didn't realise you were an artist.
Art Therapist actually -
mainly I just practice on myself.
Aarrgh! Whoo!
There's a grand unveiling for the
inspectors on Friday actually,
if you'd like to get involved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make a big old gooey mess together!
Chlo, Chlo.
Right, babe, are you all right
doing this on your own now?
Because I'm so late for work.
Marco, what a drongo!
Didn't you get
the note in the book bag?
Mia, hi.
Listen I'd love to stop and chat
but I don't want to keep
you from aerobics, is it?
Oh what, this? Oh no.
I'm manning the school-home-whatever
cake sale all week.
So this is a bit of
forward planning!
You need to volunteer for some stuff
if you want a taste
of the good times, Marco.
Listen I'd love to, I really would.
But it's tricky,
with work being so busy.
So, what, I give these to you, yeah?
Ah, did Chloe make them? Yeah.
Kids love baking, don't they?
But lets face it
they're about as much use
as a fart in a thunderstorm, eh?
Oh, Mr Gould, Mark was just telling
me he wants to get more involved.
You should get him to do something
for your home-school... doodah.
Well, funny you volunteering now.
I didn't... Although most
parents are mucking in,
in fact you're one of
the few that hasn't.
You could do a talk this Friday.
I'm just a builder...
"My life as a tradesman."
A perfect example to those children
who are less, erm...
or should I say more... physical.
Don't do it, Dad.
Listen, I would love to but...
Excellent!
Now, if you can spare the
time, and you should,
Zack's dad is doing his famous
parent's career talk.
I can get you stage side!
Follow me. Follow me.
Come. Come on.
It'll blow your socks off. Come on.
Come on, Chloe.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your keynote speaker for this
morning - Aiden Howells.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey guys, how y'all doing?
Now, don't worry, I'm not here
to tell you how to live your lives.
All I can do is tell you
how I'm living mine.
And if that helps you on your
journeys then that's coolio with me!
So, logistics outreach co-ordination
may be just a job to some people
but when you're working for some
of the world's biggest charities
it can become a way of life.
And, er, unfortunately that was
the very last time
that I saw Mandy Ungooloolay, or any
of the baby elephants, ever again.
Awww!
But that's civil war.
Anyway, this is me
on my last trip out to Zimbabwe.
I had no idea they were going to
put me on a private jet out there!
Actually I did have to share
with another passenger...
some guy called Robert, Robert,
what was his name?
Robert, Robert... Pattinson?
You know him?
You know who he is?
Yeah, R-Patz.
Lovely, lovely guy. Very genuine.
You wouldn't know
he had all that money.
Oh, brilliant!
Ouch. Oh, Melissa.
Has school signed you up for this
home-partnership-workshop thing?
Yeah, they asked me to do a talk.
What about?
Crop rotation in Medieval England.
Yeah? No! Hairdressing!
They got a bit worried
when I mentioned kids, scissors
and bleach in the same sentence.
But like I said to them,
I'm a pro-fes-sion-al.
Ain't that right, Candy? S'pose.
Gouldie's signed me up.
I've got nothing.
Don't worry, just make sure it's
not boring. They'll love you.
Thanks.
So that's why strict adherence
to building regulations
is an essential part of
responsible construction.
No.
A little more abstract
than I'd imagined,
but I like the tunnel
down the middle.
Yeah, well, you're obviously
a very intuitive person,
not frightened by female energy.
No. Big fan of women.
That's not a, uh...?
That's not a women's...?
That's not a lady's...?
The meaning is very much ambiguous,
isn't it?
No.
We need to tone down the whole...
"The hole"? I didn't mean that.
Can't you feel the essence
of femininity pouring out of it?
Yes. And it's gone everywhere.
Hello. Mr Fielding! Yes.
Very much looking forward to
seeing you on Friday.
Can't wait to be inspected!
No, we're in great shape.
Great shape.
So that's that. OK. "Bricks,
without me, they're just bricks.
"Together, we can make anything
because... I'm a... I'm a builder.
"A builder."
Just say you're ill, Dad.
Everyone's allowed to be ill.
No. I'm a man of my word.
All right? Which is a pity, cos
I've realised that word is "Idiot."
Dad? DAD?! Babe, honestly, it's
going to be fine. I've got a plan.
Why is everyone wearing spots?
♪ Bah bar bah boo ba bay
♪ Cah car cah ca coo ca cay. ♪
Mime going well?
♪ Dah dar dah doo da day
Poo par poo pa pay. ♪
Why is my mural
behind a police line?
Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry,
it's been declared dangerous.
What do you mean, dangerous?
I know it's challenging...
Unsafe, I mean structurally
unstable. Yeah.
Some idiot backed into it
with the school minibus last night
and it's been condemned.
Explain it's out of our hands,
Miss Hunter. It's out of his hands.
OUR hands. OUR hands. I'm sorry.
It took me two days.
We haven't got any plates.
Mr Fielding!
Erm, sorry, sorry, I'll be back.
Hello. Welcome to Parkview.
Aah, Mr Pearson? Allow me
to introduce you to Mr Fielding.
You all right?
He's from Ofsted.
Nothing to worry about. Much!
We might swing by and catch
your talk later. No pressure.
What's the talk about?
Ah, building, with bricks.
Not literally I hope. Can't have a
cement mixer in the classroom.
Although there is an ethnic mix,
which in a way is
a form of social cement.
Right, I better, er...
Steel yourself, big day.
Ah, Miss Hunter.
Do you mind, could you show
Mr Fielding into the school hall?
Sorry but it appears Miss Hunter
is trapped in a box.
Mime workshop. Fantastic.
Young ones, young ones, please.
For the final talk of the week,
it's Chloe's father, Mr Pearson!
Good luck, big guy.
Can we fix it?
Yes we can!
Thank you.
Brilliant!
Right. Hands up who can tell
me what these are?
Bricks. Bricks. Right, yeah. Bricks.
Bricks. Without these, I am nothing.
Yes?
My dad says that builders say that
they're going to take, like,
three weeks, and then they take
four weeks, or ten weeks,
or a hundred weeks,
and they only come back if
you shout at them, like my dad did.
Well er... there are good builders
and there are bad builders.
I try to be one of the good ones.
How long is your talk going to be
then? I don't know, about 25 minutes.
So will it really take 125 minutes?
Should we move on?
Right. Sorry.
I don't even think you're
a real builder.
Well, yeah, of course I am!
You can't be, you were here on time!
And next, I thought we could
stop by our latest development,
"The Ideas Store." The library.
Ah yes,
where's this mosaic you mentioned?
Did I mention that?
I'd love to have a quick look.
Later. Er, maybe later.
Uh, for example, I'm currently
working on my own house...
And who's paying you? Nobody.
Right, forget that.
Who wants to go and see a
massive digger in the playground?
Come on, let's go! Whoo!
All right, not too close,
not too close.
This is brilliant, Dad!
Aww, thanks, babe.
Shouldn't there be a health
and safety officer here
for this sort of thing?
There is. Me.
OK.
Who's a real builder now, eh? Whoo!
Ah, football, I expect.
No, er... wait!
Practical building skills! Erm...
Oh!
Where would we be without School
Home Workshop Partnership Week?
Head down. No eye contact.
The second the drop has been
made you go, go, go, and
get the hell out of there.
Don't you think you're taking this
just a tiny bit too... Too?
Seriously?
They're all out there, you know.
They've probably already spotted us.
And they are?
The parents. We're fresh meat, Mark.
One sign of weakness, one slip
and they will take you down.
You haven't done this before.
These gates are a jungle.
Sarah. Hi.
Good morning, good morning.
Go anywhere nice on holiday?
Turkey.
Oh nice. I went there.
I got food poisoning.
Oh! Probably no Spiderman socks
tomorrow, OK. Morning.
Can't stop, clipped in. Have a good
one, Zack. You've got his lunch box!
Aiden!
Right. Let's do this.
In and out. Am I being crazy?
Am I being a crazy woman?
Totally insane...
but in a good way.
Hi! Oh, God. Erm... Don't move.
Do nothing. Just... nothing.
We can't do nothing. She's right
there. No! You don't understand.
The minute you wind down that window
it's all over for us.
It's like an infection.
We have to keep an air lock.
It's over, Helen. No.
I hoped I'd bump into you newbies!
How's it going? Fine, thanks.
Hey you, this is Sam.
Say hello, Sam.
Hello.
Sorry, he's a bit S-H-Y, I'm afraid.
No, I'm not. He is.
So I'm Mia, I'm class rep for 4B,
so we should swap info at coffee.
Dump the nippers, hit the caffeine,
that's our motto. You coming?
Actually, Mark is dropping off.
I've got to get to work.
Great! OK, we'll see you there
then, Marco. Frank's, 9:15.
I'd love to. I really would.
But sadly duty calls.
I've got to get to work as well.
So another time maybe.
Oh, shame.
Well, see you around then.
See, dealt with.
How easy was that?
Oh, you've a lot to learn
if you think she's done with you.
Aaah, Miss Hunter, nice to see
you back. Raring to go I presume?
You do indeed presume.
Nothing like the smell of
a brand new marker pen
to herald in a new term.
You should be careful with those,
they can be habit forming.
Go. Have a good day. Go. Have
a good day. Go. Have a good day.
Go. Have a good day.
Go. Have a good day.
Mum? Mum? Can you put me down now?
Sorry, yes, yes, off you go.
Come on, you.
Because of his emphysema!
Don't transfer me, seriously
do not transfer me again!
I ain't joking. Can I help you?
Me? No, sorry, I'm all good.
Newbie! Don't you worry,
safe with me. I'll walk you in.
Oh, at least I'm not the only
lone dad, eh? Oh, what him?
No, he's not a dad,
he's a Nanny "The Manny!"
Hey Ciaro. No, I...
Come and say hi to the newbie.
Hello. Ciaran's an actor, aren't you
mate? I do a bit of acting, yeah.
Wow.
I've never seen him in anything.
Well, it's a lot of stage work.
He's not even gay! I can play gay.
Hiya. I'm Melissa. You new? Yes,
yes. I should be wearing a badge!
Give him a flyer, Candy.
Oh, oh, right, you're a hairdresser.
Now I know where to come
if I fancy some highlights.
Great, I can do you and your wife
together then. Tonight.
Tonight?
Tonight's not good actually.
I'm already getting my
hair cut. By my brother.
Vidal. Vidal Pearson.
Come on, I'll take you in.
All right, baby.
Have a good day. Love you.
Exciting, isn't it?
The zipped up promise of a
brand new pencil case.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.
So what? You must be year six?
I'm the headmaster.
No, I was just joking.
Best I could pass for
is late twenties!
But even then there's no room
for an adult learner in the
state primary system.
Sarah.
Er, no it's, it's Mark.
Very good. No, no, I'm Sarah!
Ooh, that's very firm.
Yes, sorry, builder's handshake,
can't be helped.
No, I like it actually,
it's erm... it's reassuring.
Sometimes you need that
kind of solidity, don't you,
when everything around you
is changing?
Actually I can't...
Are you coming to coffee? No, I've
told the Australian lady I can't.
Mia? No, that's a completely
different thing altogether.
Well sadly I have to work so...
But it's at pick up.
Is it? Since when?
Since we had to incorporate parents
who work into our throng.
He's not in your throng. Yet.
He's in my throng.
Truth be told, I can't
be in anyone's throng.
Why?
Because I really
have to get to work.
And after work?
Yes, what about after work?
After work... I, er... told
Chloe... that we'd make pancakes.
Cos we had this massive over
delivery of milk so...
Weirdest thing,
I'm clean out of milk.
So why don't
you bring some to pick up,
I'll take it off your hands?
Yep, yep, sounds sensible. Yeah.
Do you want any milk, Sarah?
Actually, yeah.
I would love some of your milk.
Right. Well, er...
two pints of milk.
Gotta dash. Lovely to... Yeah.
Don't forget the milk! Yep.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi, mush.
Sorry, you all right, mate?
You could have bloody killed me!
Really sorry, I didn't see you.
I'm in a high vis jacket! Cleats!
What? Cleats! Cleats!
Oh, cleats. Sorry.
Here, let me give you a hand up.
I don't need your help. What?
I know what you lot are like.
Right, OK, this is getting stupid.
Don't call me stupid!
I didn't call you stupid,
I just said this is getting stupid.
Don't throw carrots at me!
I'll throw carrots at you if I want.
I'm not scared of you, you meathead.
Good morning.
Good morning.
What does that say?
Miss Hunter.
Very good. And that is me.
And we're going to spend
the rest of this year together.
One whole year.
People get less time for assault,
and I should know.
What have I written?
Hangover.
Very good. Now what does
that mean, do you think?
And how does it make me feel?
'OK, here we go, operation pick-up.'
Get Chloe in your sights.
Get in, get out, no delays.
Understood?
Affirmative. Hey, hey.
Hi, Dad. Troy's coming for tea.
'And don't make any friends.'
Troy, is there
another way out of here?
Follow me.
Yeah, good. Move, move, move.
Are you all right?
Sorry, hay fever.
Miss Hunter, if, if you were to
mark your performance today,
what would you give yourself?
Eight.
Eight? Wow. Excellent.
That's the attitude -
aim for the moon
and if you miss you'll be
one of the stars that...
Thing is, Miss Hunter, we can't
have teachers with hangovers.
Hangovers?
You wrote it on the board,
in front of the children!
I wrote "Hanover", Mr Gould.
Capital of Lower Saxony, Germany.
Key stage two geography syllabus.
No running in the corridor.
Sorry, sir.
'What was that?'
I think I've just been told off.
Gute nacht, Mr Gould.
Yes, we did it. Back at the van.
I'm proud of you, Pearson. Good work
back there. Well done, team. Get in.
Right, well, er,
I guess I'll see you later, baby.
All right, I'll see you later.
See you later. Love you.
Whoa! Marco, do you
remember our little problem?
No. You know, the whole work,
coffee, pancake, milk fiasco?
Oh, right, yeah. Well Auntie Mia's
only just gone and solved it.
I mean what kind of lunatic
has coffee without milk?
So you don't have to come to coffee,
coffee will come to you.
We'll do it at yours.
How great is that? Everyone's on.
Lead the way to the mountain,
Mohammed. They will follow.
Sarah?
Don't worry, I'm coming too.
As long as you don't think I'm
the sort of woman who normally
goes home with a man
she's only just met.
No, of course, course not.
It's just, it's just a coffee.
Yeah, that's what they all say,
isn't it? "Just a coffee."
So what are we waiting for?
Hey, Auntie Mia's struck
liquid gold.
Mark had done his best to
hide them behind the Frubes,
but I can snuffle out cheap plonk
like a pig on truffles.
Here we go, Soph,
are you going to have some?
I mean, basically, it's like a drug.
Sometimes I just want to quit,
you know?
But then this damn business
calls out your name again,
it's never my agent,
it's never my agent.
It's "Ciaran, Ciaran."
Empties anywhere? No?
So, I guess it's probably time that
I started to let you go now really,
what with it being
a school night and all.
Yeah, falling into the
wrong relationships
can be so suffocating,
don't you think?
Absolutely, yeah.
You see a blackbird in the garden.
Sorry?
It watches you for a moment,
with an amused beady eye then it
flies off over the fences,
completely free, and you think,
"Why didn't I do that years ago?"
Where's the erm...? Oh, gone past
it. Having trouble with that.
You're home. Red or white?
Babes?
Baby?
Mark?
Mmm? You awake?
Yeah, I'm awake. Just wanted
to remind you to take some
cakes in to school today.
Mmm. Done. Already? Mmm.
Oh, and erm, Chloe's Tudor project?
Done.
OK. Well see you later then, shall I?
Mmm. Later.
Oh, and Mark? Could you please do
something about the hole?
And maybe don't invite the whole
school round for a party today.
Chloe! Chloe! Get up, we're late!
We're really late.
We've got er... Oh, God, cakes
to make and a Tudor thing to do
and something else that
I can't quite remember,
and we're really, really late.
Very catchy.
Says what it is, Miss Hunter.
School and home partnership
workshop, er... week.
Oh, parents week?
I prefer partnership workshop.
Will there be hammers and chisels?
I will have Ofsted eating
out of my hand by Friday.
What a revolting thought.
They see the parents here supporting
their children at close range,
bridging the chasm between our
learning hub and their home space.
You have met the parents?
I don't think you're silly.
Honestly. Taking your art into
school is a brilliant idea but...
You never support me or my work.
I do! I loved Marzipan Diana.
So why did you let
Zack eat it then, huh?
The real reason
you don't want me there
is cos you're worried
I'll show you up.
Has Mummy taken her Tuesday pills
on a Monday again?
Have you finished, sweetie?
I need some more blue.
Daisy? That was amazing.
Right, if you go and take the cakes
to Miss Hunter or something,
right, and I'll just grab the bag
and the Tudor thing...
Dad? Dad?
Why am I the only one in spots? Huh?
OK, so it's not
sick bear charity day, is it?
Oh, dear. Got the wrong day, did we?
We did, yes. We did.
Ahem!
I...I... I did.
What happened to you? Fall over?
I'm sure if I did
you'd be there to pick me up.
Erm, no, Mr Gould asked me
to do a mosaic for the
partnership workshop thing.
Oh right,
didn't realise you were an artist.
Art Therapist actually -
mainly I just practice on myself.
Aarrgh! Whoo!
There's a grand unveiling for the
inspectors on Friday actually,
if you'd like to get involved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Make a big old gooey mess together!
Chlo, Chlo.
Right, babe, are you all right
doing this on your own now?
Because I'm so late for work.
Marco, what a drongo!
Didn't you get
the note in the book bag?
Mia, hi.
Listen I'd love to stop and chat
but I don't want to keep
you from aerobics, is it?
Oh what, this? Oh no.
I'm manning the school-home-whatever
cake sale all week.
So this is a bit of
forward planning!
You need to volunteer for some stuff
if you want a taste
of the good times, Marco.
Listen I'd love to, I really would.
But it's tricky,
with work being so busy.
So, what, I give these to you, yeah?
Ah, did Chloe make them? Yeah.
Kids love baking, don't they?
But lets face it
they're about as much use
as a fart in a thunderstorm, eh?
Oh, Mr Gould, Mark was just telling
me he wants to get more involved.
You should get him to do something
for your home-school... doodah.
Well, funny you volunteering now.
I didn't... Although most
parents are mucking in,
in fact you're one of
the few that hasn't.
You could do a talk this Friday.
I'm just a builder...
"My life as a tradesman."
A perfect example to those children
who are less, erm...
or should I say more... physical.
Don't do it, Dad.
Listen, I would love to but...
Excellent!
Now, if you can spare the
time, and you should,
Zack's dad is doing his famous
parent's career talk.
I can get you stage side!
Follow me. Follow me.
Come. Come on.
It'll blow your socks off. Come on.
Come on, Chloe.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
your keynote speaker for this
morning - Aiden Howells.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey guys, how y'all doing?
Now, don't worry, I'm not here
to tell you how to live your lives.
All I can do is tell you
how I'm living mine.
And if that helps you on your
journeys then that's coolio with me!
So, logistics outreach co-ordination
may be just a job to some people
but when you're working for some
of the world's biggest charities
it can become a way of life.
And, er, unfortunately that was
the very last time
that I saw Mandy Ungooloolay, or any
of the baby elephants, ever again.
Awww!
But that's civil war.
Anyway, this is me
on my last trip out to Zimbabwe.
I had no idea they were going to
put me on a private jet out there!
Actually I did have to share
with another passenger...
some guy called Robert, Robert,
what was his name?
Robert, Robert... Pattinson?
You know him?
You know who he is?
Yeah, R-Patz.
Lovely, lovely guy. Very genuine.
You wouldn't know
he had all that money.
Oh, brilliant!
Ouch. Oh, Melissa.
Has school signed you up for this
home-partnership-workshop thing?
Yeah, they asked me to do a talk.
What about?
Crop rotation in Medieval England.
Yeah? No! Hairdressing!
They got a bit worried
when I mentioned kids, scissors
and bleach in the same sentence.
But like I said to them,
I'm a pro-fes-sion-al.
Ain't that right, Candy? S'pose.
Gouldie's signed me up.
I've got nothing.
Don't worry, just make sure it's
not boring. They'll love you.
Thanks.
So that's why strict adherence
to building regulations
is an essential part of
responsible construction.
No.
A little more abstract
than I'd imagined,
but I like the tunnel
down the middle.
Yeah, well, you're obviously
a very intuitive person,
not frightened by female energy.
No. Big fan of women.
That's not a, uh...?
That's not a women's...?
That's not a lady's...?
The meaning is very much ambiguous,
isn't it?
No.
We need to tone down the whole...
"The hole"? I didn't mean that.
Can't you feel the essence
of femininity pouring out of it?
Yes. And it's gone everywhere.
Hello. Mr Fielding! Yes.
Very much looking forward to
seeing you on Friday.
Can't wait to be inspected!
No, we're in great shape.
Great shape.
So that's that. OK. "Bricks,
without me, they're just bricks.
"Together, we can make anything
because... I'm a... I'm a builder.
"A builder."
Just say you're ill, Dad.
Everyone's allowed to be ill.
No. I'm a man of my word.
All right? Which is a pity, cos
I've realised that word is "Idiot."
Dad? DAD?! Babe, honestly, it's
going to be fine. I've got a plan.
Why is everyone wearing spots?
♪ Bah bar bah boo ba bay
♪ Cah car cah ca coo ca cay. ♪
Mime going well?
♪ Dah dar dah doo da day
Poo par poo pa pay. ♪
Why is my mural
behind a police line?
Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry,
it's been declared dangerous.
What do you mean, dangerous?
I know it's challenging...
Unsafe, I mean structurally
unstable. Yeah.
Some idiot backed into it
with the school minibus last night
and it's been condemned.
Explain it's out of our hands,
Miss Hunter. It's out of his hands.
OUR hands. OUR hands. I'm sorry.
It took me two days.
We haven't got any plates.
Mr Fielding!
Erm, sorry, sorry, I'll be back.
Hello. Welcome to Parkview.
Aah, Mr Pearson? Allow me
to introduce you to Mr Fielding.
You all right?
He's from Ofsted.
Nothing to worry about. Much!
We might swing by and catch
your talk later. No pressure.
What's the talk about?
Ah, building, with bricks.
Not literally I hope. Can't have a
cement mixer in the classroom.
Although there is an ethnic mix,
which in a way is
a form of social cement.
Right, I better, er...
Steel yourself, big day.
Ah, Miss Hunter.
Do you mind, could you show
Mr Fielding into the school hall?
Sorry but it appears Miss Hunter
is trapped in a box.
Mime workshop. Fantastic.
Young ones, young ones, please.
For the final talk of the week,
it's Chloe's father, Mr Pearson!
Good luck, big guy.
Can we fix it?
Yes we can!
Thank you.
Brilliant!
Right. Hands up who can tell
me what these are?
Bricks. Bricks. Right, yeah. Bricks.
Bricks. Without these, I am nothing.
Yes?
My dad says that builders say that
they're going to take, like,
three weeks, and then they take
four weeks, or ten weeks,
or a hundred weeks,
and they only come back if
you shout at them, like my dad did.
Well er... there are good builders
and there are bad builders.
I try to be one of the good ones.
How long is your talk going to be
then? I don't know, about 25 minutes.
So will it really take 125 minutes?
Should we move on?
Right. Sorry.
I don't even think you're
a real builder.
Well, yeah, of course I am!
You can't be, you were here on time!
And next, I thought we could
stop by our latest development,
"The Ideas Store." The library.
Ah yes,
where's this mosaic you mentioned?
Did I mention that?
I'd love to have a quick look.
Later. Er, maybe later.
Uh, for example, I'm currently
working on my own house...
And who's paying you? Nobody.
Right, forget that.
Who wants to go and see a
massive digger in the playground?
Come on, let's go! Whoo!
All right, not too close,
not too close.
This is brilliant, Dad!
Aww, thanks, babe.
Shouldn't there be a health
and safety officer here
for this sort of thing?
There is. Me.
OK.
Who's a real builder now, eh? Whoo!
Ah, football, I expect.
No, er... wait!
Practical building skills! Erm...
Oh!
Where would we be without School
Home Workshop Partnership Week?