Garth Marenghi's Darkplace (2004–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Hell Hath Fury - full transcript
Someone, something, or some things have attacked the chef. So why are objects flying about of their own accord, assaulting innocent civilians and disrupting hospital procedure? Is it ...
''Mike stared in disbelief
as his hands fell off.
''From them rose millions of tiny maggots.
''Maggots? Maggots.
''Maggots, maggots, maggots.
''Maggots. All over the floor
of the Post Office in Leytonstone.''
Greetings, friend.
l hope you're sitting un-comfortably,
on your sofa, or beanbag, if that's
how you choose to live your life.
l'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
Everyone has a special talent.
Mine is being able to write,
produce, direct, act, paint...
Other people are good plumbers,
that's their gift.
When l wrote, directed and starred
in Darkplace back in the 1980s,
television was up cack alley
and the inside of my head
was its only ticket out.
This show could have changed the world.
But they cancelled it for a re-run
of Who's The Boss?
They were scared of my script's
radical predictions.
l portended that by 2040, the world
would see its first female mechanic.
Who knows, she might even do
a decent job. l wish her the very best.
Still, so much for possibilite -
French for possibilities.
Tonight, l take no small amount of pleasure
in bringing you this forgotten episode
of Darkplace,
with interviews from my publisher,
Dean Learner,
who was there at its creation
and didn't die or offend me.
Take this gift, sit back and enjoy
what still points the way forward
for humanity.
Love, loyalty, sacrifice
and extrasensory perceptive telepathic
psychokinetic powers.
Voici. You're welcome.
'l'm Garth Marenghi - author,
dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.
'You are about to enter
the world of my imagination.
'You are entering my Darkplace.'
lt's always the same.
Have you ordered chicken?
Yes, yes, of course l have.
How long have you been here?
Three hours.
Try the fish.
How long is it going to take
the so-called chef to cook this chicken?
Sorry, l'm not really this bad-tempered.
l'm just really peckish.
l should be thanking you
for looking after me.
No problem - first days
can be a real pain in the ass.
Who's that?
He has a special aura around him.
That's Dr Rick Dagless MD,
the world-famous GP.
He's a brilliant yet troubled man and l'm
privileged to know him. l'll introduce you.
- The doctors want their chicken.
- lt'll be ready in five minutes.
What's going on with that chicken? >
Five more minutes.
Do you know what's going on?
- The word is it'll be five minutes.
- l'll believe that when l see it.
Have you met the temp?
l've not got time to shoot the shit.
Why don't you and your new boyfriend
bring me some chicken?
Hey! Are you all right? >
No. l mean...yes. l deserved that.
Where's this flipping chicken?
Who said that?
- Was it you, missy? l said five minutes.
- But...
But nothing. Women like you are the reason
the chicken's late in the first place.
Goddamn son of a bitch. This is
great chicken, getting nothing but flak.
''When's the chicken?'' The chicken's
ready when l say it's ready.
Don't know why l'm cooking,
l'm so angry. Seasoning - what do l need?
Tarragon? Oregano? Never heard of it.
ltalian seasoning? Too vague... Sage?...
(Chef) Son of a bitch.
lf l had to call myself anything,
and l hate labels, l'd say imaginer.
l call Garth the Orson Welles of horror.
And not just because of his weight.
He's a titan of terror - l call him that as well.
There are rebels and there are innovators.
l'm a rebel. l play a rebel brain expert
who's in rebelliance against
conventional logic, the world order.
The show is about rebelliance.
And if that's not being an innovator,
l don't know what is.
'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.
'l hadn't been getting much sleep lately.
Not that Darkplace lets you get much sleep.
'The pillows are like cardboard
and my duvet's all lumpy.
'Got the call - chef down
and it can't wait till morning.
'Poor guy - ladle to the head
and a fork where a fork don't fit.
'This damned evil place
was getting crazier by the day.'
Morning, all. Cheer up, Liz. How's Chef?
Guy's got a fork through his kernel.
He's gonna make it - just,
but the chicken's off.
That's a shame, l was looking
forward to the chicken.
lt seems we have a mystery attacker
in Darkplace.
l suggest we split up -
you guys and the temp
can search the wards,
me and Liz will search this office.
Me and Sanch don't need a third wheel.
This temp was a personal
recommendation of Won Ton's.
He wouldn't run if his ass was on fire.
He goes with you,
and that's a deal-breaker.
Fine. lf he makes administrative errors,
l'll bust his hump.
- At least you're not going with Liz.
- That's true.
Now get out of here.
God, l wish l was hitting the wards
with those young bucks,
but l'm old, tired, spent, busted,
stuck in a mouldy old office
with just a moody woman for company.
Liz, that bulb's gone again.
Could you fish another one out?
All of us have untapped potential.
That's what the Garth Marenghi
Foundation is about -
harnessing psychokinetic abilities
in underprivileged kids.
We've got the full backing of the Army.
We've already got a child who's very intuitive.
l've seen Garth bend a fork,
so he knows what he's talking about.
l mean we all have abilities.
l once learned how to hypnotise women,
but with that power must come responsibility.
Did you attack the chef?
Thanks for your time.
Did you attack the chef?
Thanks for your time.
Did you attack the chef?
Thanks for your time.
l'll say one thing, he's very thorough.
All this started to happen
when the temp arrived.
Android?
l haven't seen him eat anything today
and it's 1 pm now so...
What shall we do?
Just keep 'em peeled.
We might need to kill him.
Uh-huh. Bye.
Good gravy, a bunch of objects flying
of their own accord in E Wing.
And apparently more objects
are heading this way... Goodbye.
Flying objects? lt beggars belief.
We asked everyone if they're
the attacker and they all said no.
So that's why we're searching
the hospital basement?
Exactly.
Dead - we're too late.
Looks like our man struck again.
Negative - this ain't a fresh kill.
lt don't look like a kill at all.
Guy probably came down, got lost,
went mad,
ate his hands and died right here.
Come on, there's nothing we can do for him.
Keep close, these tunnels
are really long and curving.
Hug the wall.
- What is it?
- Cordless iron. Friggin' smarts as well.
Of course!
That's why these are not conventional attacks.
What is it?
l've got two words for you, Sanch -
telekinesis.
Teleki-what?
Telekinesis. Someone is propelling
objects around this hospital.
But who, why and for what reason?
l don't know yet.
People often develop these abilities
when they feel angry or unappreciated.
How are you two doing?
l'm fine, but l'm having to tread
on eggshells vis-a-vis Liz.
She's got a face like the proverbial.
l think it's her time.
lf l felt sorry for myself
five days every month,
this hospital would be up the creek
sans paddle.
No-one gave me time off
when l had troubles in a similar area.
She's a royal pain in the butt.
Reed?
- lt's the phone.
- Reed!
Dag... Hello?
LP519? This is Dagless,
l repeat, this is Dagless. lt's ringing.
'Knives,
cutlery all over the shop!'
Everything bar the kitchen sink.
'Oh, my God, kitchen sink and all!'
Jesus.
Can't hold these plates off
much longer, Liz!
Why not help instead of standing there
dreaming about lipstick?
Holy cow, it's you, isn't it?
You're doing this.
l just hope Dagless
makes it up here in time.
Split up, split up!
Get a wriggle on! This way!
See you soon, gang!
Liz, l want you to be calm.
- No, Liz. No.
- Reed?
Jim, in here, quick.
- Tell Dag, it's Liz.
- OK, l'll get help.
And hurry!
Get me Dr Rick Dagless.
No!
'You again, you bastard.'
'What the...?'
'Life of its...'
'Damn thing's come alive in my hand.'
'Suck on that.'
'Escaped it.'
'Filing cabinet.'
ln times of conflict,
when you're up against an aggressor,
be he human, be he inhuman,
whoe'er he be, often he's both,
you're running on adrenaline and that's what
you have to capture in the mise en scene.
And then you add to that
the supernatural element.
An eagle-eyed viewer might see the wires.
A pedant might see the wires,
but if you're looking at wires,
you're ignoring the story.
lf you go to a puppet show,
you can see the wires,
but it's about the puppets,
not the string.
lf you go to Punch and Judy
to watch the wires, you're a freak.
Yeah, it's me, Dag.
l've been cornered by some cutlery.
l think l can take them.
A whisk, a tin opener and a spatula.
l'll take the whisk out first
and hold them off as long as l can.
Ah! l'm hit, l'm down.
Yeah, got me in the leg.
They'll be after you next. Bye.
Let's do this.
lt's just you and me now, kiddo.
Hello, Dr Rick Dagless speaking,
how may l help you? ..Bye.
That was Jim. He said Liz is the source
of the telekinetic activity.
She's pinned Reed against the wall
and is propelling objects around.
He added that l should hot-tail it up there,
which means going back to where we started.
- You stay here.
- But Rick...
No buts. There's a lot
of clerical work ahead of you,
don't blow it all by getting killed.
There's a lot of slow motion. The episodes
were running up to eight minutes under.
The only way to stretch them out
was with slow motion.
And we tried to keep the slow motion away
from the dialogue as much as possible.
Anything without dialogue
was considered for slow motion.
'l ran the only way l knew how, by placing one
leg in front of the other in quick succession.
'l had to help Reed, trapped in his office
by a desk he could no longer trust.
'l had to help Sanchez, locked in
primal struggle 'twixt man and whisk.
'And l had to help the temp who was probably
doing some filing or data entry.
'l pressed on, chased by a stapler with
my name on it. This was unbelievable.
'Liz was turning
my own stationery against me.
- 'What would she throw at us next?'
- ln God's name...
'As l rounded the corner, l felt muscular
and compact, like corned beef.
'lrony of irony, all this paper
meant more paperwork.
'Look at that, Liz has even struck
the kiddie wing.
'lf only there was a foundation to
harness kids' psychokinetic powers.
'This sorry madam was about to get a double
dose of Darkplace Dagless medicine.'
Liz, hide your shame.
- Agh!
- Rick!
l wanna say,
you did a heck of a thing back there.
l'm sorry l busted your balls.
l wouldn't have had it any other way.
- What's your name, son?
- Clive.
- Strange name for an American.
- l'm from Bermuda.
Oh, a British principality.
- lt's a dependent territory.
- What's that?
The Queen appoints a governor,
but she's still de facto sovereign.
We had so much to teach each other.
l'm gonna miss you, Clive.
l'm gonna miss the banter
which has fizzed from the get-go,
and as l say, l'm gonna miss your balls.
l...
- What?
- l...
l can't hear you.
l was supposed to file this.
l'll get Liz to do it first thing.
Under the circumstances,
it's the least she can do.
Don't you dare die!
No!
l owe you all an apology. Sanch...
- Yes, Liz?
- Thanks for the lobotomy.
Not a problem.
Though extracting psychokinetic
ability is in its infancy.
l guess being told l couldn't get
a chicken supper was the last straw.
lt was unprofessional and girlish.
lt won't happen again.
Buns?
l've seen a couple l fancy.
l baked them by way of apology.
So ends a chapter in a book
l fear has yet to close. Right, Dag?
l just can't believe the temp is dead.
lt's all right, Rick, we'll get another one.
lt's not that. l guess l liked the kid.
Reminded me of me at that age.
l was wild, full of ideas,
knuckle to knuckle with authority,
real Jimmy Dean. Guess we were two
peas punching it out in the same pod.
l just hope he realised how much he taught me,
that it weren't just one-way traffic.
l'm sure if he'd had any breath left
in his body,
he'd have used it to thank you.
Well, you'd hope.
Come on, Dag, what say
l buy us all a drink down The Drip.
l'd like that. l could use a drink.
As long as it's not a screwdriver!
Yes, l'd prefer a beer!
Dear me!
Oh, dear!
(Oh, yes!)
'We'd seen a new side to Liz.
'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
'They can get upset at the slightest thing -
'forgetting to acknowledge them
in front of one's friends,
'or insisting on splitting a restaurant bill,
even though that's only fair.
'l'd have to try and change.
'Tomorrow l'd tell her she'd lost weight,
or her hair looked nice,
'whichever seemed more plausible.'
l think what this episode shows is that
the human spirit cannot be overcome.
As a writer, if you take away my paper,
l would write on my heart.
lf you took away my ink,
l'd write on the wind.
lt wouldn't be an ideal way to work.
Subtitles riped by Se?or Gemelo Man
....
(Dean) 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
is a Garth Marenghi production
'in association with Dean Learner.'
as his hands fell off.
''From them rose millions of tiny maggots.
''Maggots? Maggots.
''Maggots, maggots, maggots.
''Maggots. All over the floor
of the Post Office in Leytonstone.''
Greetings, friend.
l hope you're sitting un-comfortably,
on your sofa, or beanbag, if that's
how you choose to live your life.
l'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer.
Everyone has a special talent.
Mine is being able to write,
produce, direct, act, paint...
Other people are good plumbers,
that's their gift.
When l wrote, directed and starred
in Darkplace back in the 1980s,
television was up cack alley
and the inside of my head
was its only ticket out.
This show could have changed the world.
But they cancelled it for a re-run
of Who's The Boss?
They were scared of my script's
radical predictions.
l portended that by 2040, the world
would see its first female mechanic.
Who knows, she might even do
a decent job. l wish her the very best.
Still, so much for possibilite -
French for possibilities.
Tonight, l take no small amount of pleasure
in bringing you this forgotten episode
of Darkplace,
with interviews from my publisher,
Dean Learner,
who was there at its creation
and didn't die or offend me.
Take this gift, sit back and enjoy
what still points the way forward
for humanity.
Love, loyalty, sacrifice
and extrasensory perceptive telepathic
psychokinetic powers.
Voici. You're welcome.
'l'm Garth Marenghi - author,
dream weaver, visionary, plus actor.
'You are about to enter
the world of my imagination.
'You are entering my Darkplace.'
lt's always the same.
Have you ordered chicken?
Yes, yes, of course l have.
How long have you been here?
Three hours.
Try the fish.
How long is it going to take
the so-called chef to cook this chicken?
Sorry, l'm not really this bad-tempered.
l'm just really peckish.
l should be thanking you
for looking after me.
No problem - first days
can be a real pain in the ass.
Who's that?
He has a special aura around him.
That's Dr Rick Dagless MD,
the world-famous GP.
He's a brilliant yet troubled man and l'm
privileged to know him. l'll introduce you.
- The doctors want their chicken.
- lt'll be ready in five minutes.
What's going on with that chicken? >
Five more minutes.
Do you know what's going on?
- The word is it'll be five minutes.
- l'll believe that when l see it.
Have you met the temp?
l've not got time to shoot the shit.
Why don't you and your new boyfriend
bring me some chicken?
Hey! Are you all right? >
No. l mean...yes. l deserved that.
Where's this flipping chicken?
Who said that?
- Was it you, missy? l said five minutes.
- But...
But nothing. Women like you are the reason
the chicken's late in the first place.
Goddamn son of a bitch. This is
great chicken, getting nothing but flak.
''When's the chicken?'' The chicken's
ready when l say it's ready.
Don't know why l'm cooking,
l'm so angry. Seasoning - what do l need?
Tarragon? Oregano? Never heard of it.
ltalian seasoning? Too vague... Sage?...
(Chef) Son of a bitch.
lf l had to call myself anything,
and l hate labels, l'd say imaginer.
l call Garth the Orson Welles of horror.
And not just because of his weight.
He's a titan of terror - l call him that as well.
There are rebels and there are innovators.
l'm a rebel. l play a rebel brain expert
who's in rebelliance against
conventional logic, the world order.
The show is about rebelliance.
And if that's not being an innovator,
l don't know what is.
'My name is Dr Rick Dagless, MD.
'l hadn't been getting much sleep lately.
Not that Darkplace lets you get much sleep.
'The pillows are like cardboard
and my duvet's all lumpy.
'Got the call - chef down
and it can't wait till morning.
'Poor guy - ladle to the head
and a fork where a fork don't fit.
'This damned evil place
was getting crazier by the day.'
Morning, all. Cheer up, Liz. How's Chef?
Guy's got a fork through his kernel.
He's gonna make it - just,
but the chicken's off.
That's a shame, l was looking
forward to the chicken.
lt seems we have a mystery attacker
in Darkplace.
l suggest we split up -
you guys and the temp
can search the wards,
me and Liz will search this office.
Me and Sanch don't need a third wheel.
This temp was a personal
recommendation of Won Ton's.
He wouldn't run if his ass was on fire.
He goes with you,
and that's a deal-breaker.
Fine. lf he makes administrative errors,
l'll bust his hump.
- At least you're not going with Liz.
- That's true.
Now get out of here.
God, l wish l was hitting the wards
with those young bucks,
but l'm old, tired, spent, busted,
stuck in a mouldy old office
with just a moody woman for company.
Liz, that bulb's gone again.
Could you fish another one out?
All of us have untapped potential.
That's what the Garth Marenghi
Foundation is about -
harnessing psychokinetic abilities
in underprivileged kids.
We've got the full backing of the Army.
We've already got a child who's very intuitive.
l've seen Garth bend a fork,
so he knows what he's talking about.
l mean we all have abilities.
l once learned how to hypnotise women,
but with that power must come responsibility.
Did you attack the chef?
Thanks for your time.
Did you attack the chef?
Thanks for your time.
Did you attack the chef?
Thanks for your time.
l'll say one thing, he's very thorough.
All this started to happen
when the temp arrived.
Android?
l haven't seen him eat anything today
and it's 1 pm now so...
What shall we do?
Just keep 'em peeled.
We might need to kill him.
Uh-huh. Bye.
Good gravy, a bunch of objects flying
of their own accord in E Wing.
And apparently more objects
are heading this way... Goodbye.
Flying objects? lt beggars belief.
We asked everyone if they're
the attacker and they all said no.
So that's why we're searching
the hospital basement?
Exactly.
Dead - we're too late.
Looks like our man struck again.
Negative - this ain't a fresh kill.
lt don't look like a kill at all.
Guy probably came down, got lost,
went mad,
ate his hands and died right here.
Come on, there's nothing we can do for him.
Keep close, these tunnels
are really long and curving.
Hug the wall.
- What is it?
- Cordless iron. Friggin' smarts as well.
Of course!
That's why these are not conventional attacks.
What is it?
l've got two words for you, Sanch -
telekinesis.
Teleki-what?
Telekinesis. Someone is propelling
objects around this hospital.
But who, why and for what reason?
l don't know yet.
People often develop these abilities
when they feel angry or unappreciated.
How are you two doing?
l'm fine, but l'm having to tread
on eggshells vis-a-vis Liz.
She's got a face like the proverbial.
l think it's her time.
lf l felt sorry for myself
five days every month,
this hospital would be up the creek
sans paddle.
No-one gave me time off
when l had troubles in a similar area.
She's a royal pain in the butt.
Reed?
- lt's the phone.
- Reed!
Dag... Hello?
LP519? This is Dagless,
l repeat, this is Dagless. lt's ringing.
'Knives,
cutlery all over the shop!'
Everything bar the kitchen sink.
'Oh, my God, kitchen sink and all!'
Jesus.
Can't hold these plates off
much longer, Liz!
Why not help instead of standing there
dreaming about lipstick?
Holy cow, it's you, isn't it?
You're doing this.
l just hope Dagless
makes it up here in time.
Split up, split up!
Get a wriggle on! This way!
See you soon, gang!
Liz, l want you to be calm.
- No, Liz. No.
- Reed?
Jim, in here, quick.
- Tell Dag, it's Liz.
- OK, l'll get help.
And hurry!
Get me Dr Rick Dagless.
No!
'You again, you bastard.'
'What the...?'
'Life of its...'
'Damn thing's come alive in my hand.'
'Suck on that.'
'Escaped it.'
'Filing cabinet.'
ln times of conflict,
when you're up against an aggressor,
be he human, be he inhuman,
whoe'er he be, often he's both,
you're running on adrenaline and that's what
you have to capture in the mise en scene.
And then you add to that
the supernatural element.
An eagle-eyed viewer might see the wires.
A pedant might see the wires,
but if you're looking at wires,
you're ignoring the story.
lf you go to a puppet show,
you can see the wires,
but it's about the puppets,
not the string.
lf you go to Punch and Judy
to watch the wires, you're a freak.
Yeah, it's me, Dag.
l've been cornered by some cutlery.
l think l can take them.
A whisk, a tin opener and a spatula.
l'll take the whisk out first
and hold them off as long as l can.
Ah! l'm hit, l'm down.
Yeah, got me in the leg.
They'll be after you next. Bye.
Let's do this.
lt's just you and me now, kiddo.
Hello, Dr Rick Dagless speaking,
how may l help you? ..Bye.
That was Jim. He said Liz is the source
of the telekinetic activity.
She's pinned Reed against the wall
and is propelling objects around.
He added that l should hot-tail it up there,
which means going back to where we started.
- You stay here.
- But Rick...
No buts. There's a lot
of clerical work ahead of you,
don't blow it all by getting killed.
There's a lot of slow motion. The episodes
were running up to eight minutes under.
The only way to stretch them out
was with slow motion.
And we tried to keep the slow motion away
from the dialogue as much as possible.
Anything without dialogue
was considered for slow motion.
'l ran the only way l knew how, by placing one
leg in front of the other in quick succession.
'l had to help Reed, trapped in his office
by a desk he could no longer trust.
'l had to help Sanchez, locked in
primal struggle 'twixt man and whisk.
'And l had to help the temp who was probably
doing some filing or data entry.
'l pressed on, chased by a stapler with
my name on it. This was unbelievable.
'Liz was turning
my own stationery against me.
- 'What would she throw at us next?'
- ln God's name...
'As l rounded the corner, l felt muscular
and compact, like corned beef.
'lrony of irony, all this paper
meant more paperwork.
'Look at that, Liz has even struck
the kiddie wing.
'lf only there was a foundation to
harness kids' psychokinetic powers.
'This sorry madam was about to get a double
dose of Darkplace Dagless medicine.'
Liz, hide your shame.
- Agh!
- Rick!
l wanna say,
you did a heck of a thing back there.
l'm sorry l busted your balls.
l wouldn't have had it any other way.
- What's your name, son?
- Clive.
- Strange name for an American.
- l'm from Bermuda.
Oh, a British principality.
- lt's a dependent territory.
- What's that?
The Queen appoints a governor,
but she's still de facto sovereign.
We had so much to teach each other.
l'm gonna miss you, Clive.
l'm gonna miss the banter
which has fizzed from the get-go,
and as l say, l'm gonna miss your balls.
l...
- What?
- l...
l can't hear you.
l was supposed to file this.
l'll get Liz to do it first thing.
Under the circumstances,
it's the least she can do.
Don't you dare die!
No!
l owe you all an apology. Sanch...
- Yes, Liz?
- Thanks for the lobotomy.
Not a problem.
Though extracting psychokinetic
ability is in its infancy.
l guess being told l couldn't get
a chicken supper was the last straw.
lt was unprofessional and girlish.
lt won't happen again.
Buns?
l've seen a couple l fancy.
l baked them by way of apology.
So ends a chapter in a book
l fear has yet to close. Right, Dag?
l just can't believe the temp is dead.
lt's all right, Rick, we'll get another one.
lt's not that. l guess l liked the kid.
Reminded me of me at that age.
l was wild, full of ideas,
knuckle to knuckle with authority,
real Jimmy Dean. Guess we were two
peas punching it out in the same pod.
l just hope he realised how much he taught me,
that it weren't just one-way traffic.
l'm sure if he'd had any breath left
in his body,
he'd have used it to thank you.
Well, you'd hope.
Come on, Dag, what say
l buy us all a drink down The Drip.
l'd like that. l could use a drink.
As long as it's not a screwdriver!
Yes, l'd prefer a beer!
Dear me!
Oh, dear!
(Oh, yes!)
'We'd seen a new side to Liz.
'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
'They can get upset at the slightest thing -
'forgetting to acknowledge them
in front of one's friends,
'or insisting on splitting a restaurant bill,
even though that's only fair.
'l'd have to try and change.
'Tomorrow l'd tell her she'd lost weight,
or her hair looked nice,
'whichever seemed more plausible.'
l think what this episode shows is that
the human spirit cannot be overcome.
As a writer, if you take away my paper,
l would write on my heart.
lf you took away my ink,
l'd write on the wind.
lt wouldn't be an ideal way to work.
Subtitles riped by Se?or Gemelo Man
....
(Dean) 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
is a Garth Marenghi production
'in association with Dean Learner.'