Game Changer (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Game of Prizes - full transcript

Players use points, paper, and precision to pile up as many potential prizes as possible.

- Get ready for a Game Changer.

Tonights guests, purveyor
of Fine Arts and crafts,

it's Jess Ross.

Purveyor of only the finest
fashion, it's Lily Du.

And Purveyor of only
the finest ass eating,

it's Raphael Chestang.

And, your host, me.

Hi, hello, I'm over here.

Welcome to Game Changer,
the only game show

where the game changes every show.

I'm your host Sam Reich, I'm joined today



by these three, lovely contestants.

Now, you all understand
how the game works.

- [Raph] Not at all.
- [Lily] Fuck no.

- [Jess] Absolutely not.

- That's because our guests
have no idea what game it is

they're about play, the only way to learn

is by playing, the only
way to win is by learning,

and the only way to begin by beginning,

so without further ado, let's begin.

Jess, in a moment, I am going
to ask you to make a wager

with what points you ask, you have 10,

in fact you all are beginning
this game with 10 points,

how many you wager is up to you.

I would remind you, you
will only get 10 points



this whole game, so don't waste them.

Jess, your turn of phrase
is, a bubble wrap suit.

- I'd like to wager four points.

- [Lily] What the fuck?

- [Host] Four out of ten points.

- I wouldn't a did that.

- I wouldn't a done that.

- [Sam] 4 points wagered
on a bubble wrap suit.

Ash show me a bubble wrap suit.

There is a bubble wrap suit.

- Wait...(stammering)

As we developed this show, late at night,

I would think about Raphs
reactions to the games.

- She has 14 points!

- What!

- I should've done all 10

- At this point I would like
to draw all of your attention

to the bins in the center of the stage.

You will notice Jess, that
yours reads, if Jess wins.

Lily, yours if Lily wins,
and Raph, if Raph wins.

Lily, How much would you like to wager

on a salt of the Month Club.

- One.

- Ash, show me salt of the month.

No.

- Oh, there was no salt of the month.

- That brings Lily down to nine.

- Can you wager zero?

- You certainly can.

- Okay, okay.

- You learning?

- Yeah, and learning means winning,

or whatever you said.

(laughs) Yeah.

- [Sam] Raph.

- Yes.

- What would you like to wager
on an automatic pan stirrer.

- 10, woah, look at that
face, look at all their faces.

- I do want to remind you,
that you have 10 points

this whole game, I'm
not saying don't do it.

I'm saying, if you are wrong about this,

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right, right.

- you could be out of the game.

- He's crazy!

He's out of his mind.

- I'm going with 10.

- Ash, show me an automatic pan stirrer.

There is an automatic pan stirrer.

(singing The Final Countdown)

- And that's all we can use of that song.

- Thank you for keeping
fair use concerns in mind.

- Oh my god.
- Hell yeah!

We should change that to when Raph wins.

(all laughing)

- [Raph] Uh oh!

- Jess, How much would you
like to wager on smart floss.

- Two points.

- Ash, show me smart floss.

Nope, no smart floss.

- Damn, looks like I'm
still in the lead guys.

- Oh my God!

You're the worst winner I've ever seen.

- Raph early on establishing himself

as the villain of this episode.

Lily.

- I'm ready.

- How much would you like to wager

on those little green army
men, but they're doing yoga.

- I'll wager four points.

- Ash can you show me
those little green army men

but they're doing yoga.

- [Lily] They're so cute!

- [Sam] It is exceptionally cute.

Raph, a flight of peanut butter.

- So this is like a flight of
beer or like a flight of wine

- I mean there's so many different kinds,

there's chunky, not chunky.

- Light.

- That's all of them really.

Okay, I'm gonna wager two points.

- Ash, can you show me a
flight of peanut butter.

- Oh, interesting.

- [Sam] Jess, a Bluetooth banana phone.

- I'm gonna say zero.

- You're gonna say zero points.

Ash, can you show me a
Bluetooth banana phone.

- [Lily] It's so cute.

- It is very cute.

- Unfortunately, will
not go in Jess's bin.

- And there was so much
bubble wrap to protect it.

(laughter)

- I can ship it anywhere in the country.

I mean, truly if that's all that I get,

I would really like that.

- Oh, we get these?

We get to take these home?

- What do you think if Raph wins means?

- Lily, Irish Potato
Famine branded potatoes.

- That seems hurtful.

One point.

- One point.

Ash, can you show me Irish
Potato Famine potatoes.

- That's a no.

Jess and Lily are at this point tied.

Raph, how much would you like to wager

on Boston Tea Party teas.

- How much do you guys think?

- You want our help now?

- Well you're either gonna
help me, or dig your own grave.

- [Raph] All my points?

- Boston Tea Party teas, I feel
like when you're in Boston,

they'll sell shit for anything,

Yeah, I would say that that was real.

- But is it here, because
see that's my confusion.

Are we betting on whether it
exists, or whether it's here.

- Yes, yes.

Yes.

- Okay, I will bet, I'll bet two points.

- Ash can you show me
Boston Tea Party teas.

- Should've bet it all.

- We do have Boston Tea Party teas.

- [Lily] But not Irish potato famine.

- Jess, this goes to you.

A weekend stay in Big Sur California.

- Oh my God, I mean
that would be incredible

if that was back there and in my bag.

- It certainly would be, wouldn't it?

- Holy, fuck me.

Let's do six points for that.

- Show me, a weekend stay
in Big Sur California.

- Oh, no!

- The budget for this show.

- That cost more than a banana phone?

- It is time for our
first mini game, and so,

I would like Ashley to come
out with the gift baskets.

- Oh.
- Presents and products?

- Ooh, a power bank?

- I'm going to put 10
seconds on the clock.

- Get out of my way.

- Ready? And 10, 9, 8, 7

- Ah, shit.

- [Sam] 6, 5.

- I don't even want this.

- [Sam] 4.

- It went in Raphs!

- [Sam] 3, 2, and 1.

- I threw a lot of my stuff
in Jess and Raph's bins.

- All right players,
it's time for round two,

the prizes are going
to get a touch richer.

Lily, How much would you like to wager on

a bracelet, that's also an iPhone charger?

- Seven.

- Seven points, show me a bracelet,

that's also an iPhone charger.

Yes, indeed.

- [Lily] It's beautiful.
- [Jess] I know it's gorgeous.

- Raph, a necklace that
is also a vibrator.

- I will say, I don't
think it's back there.

- You don't think it's back there.

- I don't think it is, I
think this is too expensive.

Because sex toys are crazy expensive.

- This freak knows.

- How much do you think this would be?

- First number popped into my head, $500.

- What, are you insane?

- [Sam] Oh my god.

- I can make you that for 20 bucks.

And it would be a nice vibrator too,

that they would get you off.

- I will wager, I'll wager five points.

- Show me a necklace
that's also a vibrator.

- Oh, fuck me, come on.

- [Jess] I knew it was gonna be there.

- [Sam] That's right, very discreet.

- [Lily] They're not
expensive, they're like $40.

- That was made for me specifically.

The fit, it's like Cinderella.

(all laughing)

- [Sam] Holy shit, holy shit!

What in the fuck?

- What are you talking about?

- Guys, lemme.

- He has a long narrow asshole.

- I'm gonna pull a family feud,

and just do a quick walk around the stage.

- Oh my god.

- Jess, a one wheeled bicycle.

- So a unicycle.

- Yeah, that's what that is.

- That's not with this is.

- A one wheeled bicycle.

I guess I'll wager a point.

- [Sam] A point per wheel.

- A point per wheel.

- Show me a one wheeled bicycle.

- That's a finger.

- To your point, that would be a unicycle.

- [Raph] Yes, it would.

- [Sam] Lily, a pickle of the month club.

- Let me see my points.

Ten.

- Ten points, Ash can you show me

a pickle of the month club.

Indeed, that puts you and Raph at a tie.

- Whoa!

- Finally got some competition.

Now I'm really gonna turn it up.

- A painting with eyes that
actually follow you around.

- Let's see here, you love magic.

- That is true.

- And that is a clue.

You slipped up Sam, if
it happened in the 1800s

people would think it was magic.

I'm going to bet 10 points.

- 10 points, Ash can you
show me a painting with eyes,

that actually follow you around.

- Jess, how much would you like to wager

on a snow cone making machine?

- I am going to do four points.

- Four out of five points.

Show me a snow cone making machine.

- Yay!

- [Lily] It's adorable.

- Lily, how much would you like to wager

on a snowball making machine.

- One point.

I just think this one's
a joke one after Jess'.

They're like a snow cone, not a snowball.

- Ash, show me a snowball making machine.

No.

Raph.

- Yeah.

- [Sam] Lawn velociraptors.

- Adorable.
- That sounds really cute.

- Come on, wager.

- (laughs) Lily!

- Okay, I am going to wager zero points.

Can I do that?

- Zero points, you absolutely can.

Show me lawn velociraptors.

Indeed, we do not.

- You know they didn't exist?

- I just didn't think they would be here.

- Yeah, and they're
extinct for the record.

- They're extinct.

- Jess, what would you like
to wager on a fold-out guitar?

- I think I saw one of those
on Shark Tank, and it was,

I would imagine they're pretty expensive.

- Like, what would you say?

- As much as like a necklace vibrator.

(laughter)

- [Lily] A thousand dollars.

I'll say one for a fold out guitar.

- Show me a fold-out guitar.

- [Raph] Wow.
- Wow. Woah, its so cool!

It's adorable.

- As you can tell, the
prizes are getting richer

as the game goes on and we're
not even in round three.

- There's a round three?

Oh my god.

- Hold on to your asshole buddy.

- With that in mind, Lily,

a weekends stay in Big Sur, California.

- Wow.

- [Host] We didn't have it around one,

do we have it in round two?

- If this is real, I'm gonna be so mad.

You're gonna have to take me.

- I will wager one point.

- One point, show me a weekend
stay in Big Sur, California.

No, we do not have a weekend stay.

- We'll go, we'll go when we're off.

- That brings us to mini
game number two, Ash.

- Thank you.

- You'll notice that
on each of these cards

is written the name of a small prize.

Ready players?

- Ready for what?

- [Sam] Go, 10, 9.

- Oh, come on!

- [Sam] 8.

- Don't do it one at a
time, bunch it all up.

- [Sam] 7, 6.

- Damn!

- [Sam] 5, 4.

- Why am I so bad?

- [Sam] 3, 2, and 1.

- Yeah!

- Now we're headed into round three.

Jess has 10 points, Lily 27, Raph 19.

The prizes are going to
get better and better.

Raph.

- Yes?

- [Sam] Dinner for two at a
one star Michelin restaurant.

- One is the lowest, right?

- It's one, two, and three stars.

- Okay, okay.

- Your gf could really use that.

- Take her to dinner, give
her that beautiful necklace.

- The necklace is for him.

- I will wager two.

- Show me dinner for two at a
Michelin one star restaurant.

- Damn.

- Oh, it would've been so good.

- Jess, how much would you like to wager

on wireless noise cancelling
studio quality headphones.

- I mean I gotta get in
this, it's last round,

I'll wager seven.

- Show me wireless noise-canceling

studio-quality headphones.

- [Raph] Hell yeah.

- Woo, yes!

- Yes, bitch!

- Dope headphones.

- It would be like the Cinderella shoe.

- For her ears.

Not her ass.

- But you guys have
seen Cinderella, right?

- Oh my gosh, we knew the reference.

- Jess and Raph, you're now tied.

- Started from the bottom now I'm here.

- At the middle.

- [Jess] Started from the middle.

- We're actually still at the bottom.

- Lily, how much would you like to wager

on a two hour massage?

- Boy could I use it, I'll wager seven.

- [Raph] Yeah, I think it's there.

- Two hours is a long
time to getting massaged.

- I like this notion of like,

they just don't make them that long.

- [Lily] Its too long.

- I don't think human fingers
can massage that long.

- They can't, they give
out after 90 minutes.

- The union would never allow it.

- Show me a two hour massage.

Yes, indeed.

Raph.

- Yep.

- Lunch with Edgar Wright.

- What?

- The, Edgar Wright.

- The director Edgar Wright.

- Well if you're a fan of cinema.

- That's right.

- That would be incredible

- [Sam] The opportunity
to make a connection.

- I think it's there, I
think it's back there.

I think this is back there.

- [Jess] He's back there.

- He's been waiting this whole time.

- With a salad.

- And he has to sit in the basket.

- I'm gonna wager 10.

- Show me lunch with Edgar Wright.

Sorry Raph, I don't have a
connection to Edgar Wright.

I never met the guy.

This game has been wild Raph,
you shot out into the lead.

And now.

- [Jess] Now, look at
you, you naughty boy.

(laughter)

- Jess, a top-of-the-line
electric scooter.

- I mean those are expensive, right?

- [Sam] They are expensive.

- Unless we stole a Bird scooter.

- Can you imagine?

- [Jess] Is this a stolen Bird scooter?

- No crimes were committed in
the making of Game Changer.

- I'm gonna do, seven.

- Show me a top-of-the-line
electric scooter.

- Oh my god, wow!

- I love Jess's new,

This is a delight, I'm so happy for you.

- That is so cool, oh my god.

- Lily, two annual passes
to a theme park which,

we can't say which one for legal reasons,

but it's in Anaheim,
and it features a mouse.

- Oh my god.

- How much are those things worth?

- If it's the park I'm thinking of,

it's about 300 per person
I wanna say, maybe more.

- I'll wager two.

- Show me, two annual passes.

- Woo! Oh my god.

- That's crazy.

- Raph, an extra week of vacation.

- What?

- I mean, it doesn't
matter. I'm not gonna win.

Unless there's another
loop de loop in this game.

- What do you mean loop de loop.

- Just let me win, or.

- Can you imagine?

The twist is, none of this was
relevant, and Raph just wins.

- An extra week of vacation.

I definitely think this is back there.

I will wager.

- It doesn't cost them anything.

- Are you serious, a week without me?

- Fantastic!

- Raph, I haven't read a
sketch of yours in weeks.

- Can we afford to lose Raph.

The thousands of dollars of value

we'd be flushing down the toilet.

- I'll wager three points.

- Show me an extra week of vacation.

- There are certain
things within my power.

- Right.

- Our HR policies are unfortunately,

they come up way down off the mountain.

Jess.

- Now it feels so tense.

- A diamond necklace.

- A diamond necklace,
that's very expensive.

- There are cheap diamonds.

- Oh, is it a cheap diamond necklace?

- I'll wager six points.

- Show me a diamond necklace.

I'm sorry, Jess.

Lily, dinner for one at a
two star Michelin restaurant.

- Oh my god I feel like a gambler's high.

- You are gambling.
- Gambler's high

- One point.

- Show me dinner for one at
a Michelin star Restaurant.

No.

Sorry Lily, but judicious play.

- Good move, you guys are so great.

and you're also, you're
my favorite cast members.

- Raph, you've went
through a hero's journey.

- [Lily] Wow, is that true?

- As it turns out, all you
really needed the whole time

was to lose.

- That's the Raph I know.

- You know if after this, you know,

if you want to share some things.

- See, that's what that's about.

- Raph.

- Yes.

- Dinner for two at a two
star Michelin restaurant.

- All right, I wager two points.

Ash, don't let me down.

Wait, do we call her Ash?

- [Sam] Yeah, Ash.

- Ash!

- You don't get to say,

- Ash!

- Wait, you don't get to say your name.

- [Lily] She's a hardworking young woman.

- No, no, no.

- That's Ash scolding
you, that's what happened.

- Gave you this finger.

- Show me dinner for two at a
Michelin two star restaurant.

- But not because Raph told
you to, because you wanted to.

- Yeah, we love you Ash.

- Ash, thank you, and I'm sorry.

- I'm also sorry.

- Ready Jess?

A day-long dolphin experience.

- Dolphins freak me out.

- So you wouldn't even want it.

- I wanna win.

- This is your last thing, Jess.

- They'll be no other
things with the points

if I lose all of them right now.

- Correct.

- I'm telling you there's a loop de loop.

That's why I'm still here.

- Raph doesn't need a loop de loop at all.

- A loop de loop would go
back to the same place.

- He means a twist, that's what he means.

He thinks there's a twist coming.

- I'll bet it all.

- Jest bets 18 points.
- 18 points.

- Show me a day-long dolphin experience.

Jess, I am so sorry.

- All right, Okay, it's you and me.

It is you and me now.

- Lily, a week long exotic car rental.

- I will wager the total of
Raph's points, six points.

- Are we talking a Maserati,
are we talking a Bentley?

Are we talking a Rolls-Royce?

- Or a Toyota, that's from Japan.

- Yeah, what do you mean by exotic?

- Listen, listen.

- What do you mean by exotic, Sam?

- Listen everybody, six
points is what you wagered.

Show me week long exotic car rental.

No, I am afraid not.

Raph, this is the final prize today.

A weekend stay in Big Sur, California.

- So, i'm going to guess that
whoever gets this wins it all.

You think that's crazy?

- I think that's the loop de loop

we've all been waiting for.

- That's the loop de loop,
we're all waiting for you

to go around, and end up
where you started in Big Sur.

- It was here the whole time,
there's been loop de loops

all around us.

(laughter)

- [Lily] It was a sign.

- Oh my god.

- Before I wager, I do want to say, Lily,

you have been so great to work with.

- What about Jess?

- Well Jess lost, so.

(laughter)

I wager five points.

- Show me a weekend stay
in Big Sur, California.

- Come on, Ash.

- Yes, indeed it does
Ash, thank you so much.

That's it for this
episode of Game Changer.

Lily, you are our big winner today.

And that means you have won
the contents of your bin.

Raph and Jess, I'm sorry, but in my mind,

you are both winners too.

In fact, for a loop de loop,
you'll get the contents

of your bins as well.

(all cheering)

That is it for this
episode of Game Changer.

I am your host Sam Reich, remember.

Remember, money doesn't buy you happiness,

its the goods and the
services that money buys,

That buys you happiness.

Goodnight.

- Oh my god, this must be, ah.

- Yes!

- Oh my god.