Galavant (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 7 - Love and Death - full transcript

No-o-o!

He's losing consciousness.

Move! Move!

Galavant, stay with me!

You're all right, buddy!

Which way?

The Grove has great
shops and an apple store!

Apples are said to be good for your health!

He needs more than
apples! We're losing him!

Sporin has a healer.

Right, to Sporin! Ride fast!



Yeah!

Let me help!

Oh, you've done quite enough already!

I'll handle this!

Help!!

For the love of God! Somebody! Help!

Hello?

Oh, my friends, please forgive the mess.

My cleaner won't do Tuesdays.

Welcome. I am Neo, of Sporin.

I can heal anything.

Mr. Of-sporin, you must help us.

My friend is in dire shape.

Oh, please, a-bring him hither!



Up... up a step. There we are.

All right. Upsy-daisy
like a baby. There we are.

Oh!

Sorry, sorry.

All right, what happened here?

Was it a "rosé all day" situation?

This guy stabbed him with a sword.

It was an accident.

Please, you must save him. He's my bestie.

I'll do what I can, but we must act fast.

♪ Time is of the essence,
so I need your acquiescence ♪

♪ if we're going to save
this fellow from the grave ♪

- What?
- ♪ Let me finish ♪

♪ time is of the essence ♪

♪ we have minutes, maybe less, since ♪

♪ as you see there's not
much left of him to save ♪

- No!
- ♪ Yes, indeed, he hasn't got an awful lot ♪

♪ of life left in his eyes ♪

♪ but if, in fact, we quickly act ♪

♪ we might stop his demise, so, guys ♪

♪ time is of the essence or he dies ♪

Ahh. That's what I needed.

♪ Moving on, then, time
is of the essence, see ♪

♪ his natural effervescence
is succumbing ♪

♪ to the shadow of disease ♪

- But he just...
- ♪ what I mean is time is of the essence ♪

♪ take a whiff of that putrescence ♪

♪ I'm detecting notes of
dill, and is that cheese? ♪

♪ either way, I give him half an hour ♪

♪ that's my educated guess ♪

♪ well, 20 minutes, tops ♪

♪ let's call it 10, the man's a mess ♪

♪ so, yes, time is of the essence ♪

♪ wait, unless ♪

♪ no, it's of the essence, but ♪

But? ♪ perhaps we ought
to pause right here ♪

♪ to say a silent mass ♪

- Right.
- ♪ go ahead and savor it, we might as well, alas ♪

What the hell are you...

♪ Wait, I have some gas ♪

♪ shh, let me finish,
time is of the essence ♪

♪ if you've got
antidepressants, take 'em now ♪

♪ your friend is on
the verge of death ♪ no!

♪ Let's rephrase it,
time is of the essence ♪

♪ and there's not much
point in rhyming now ♪

♪ 'cause frankly he's
about to bite the... ♪

- Crescents!
- Excellent.

♪ We did all that we could for him ♪

♪ but look how much he bled ♪

♪ we still might do some good for him ♪

♪ if we don't let it spread ♪

♪ I said time is of the
essence, keep your head ♪

♪ time is of the
essence, or he's dead ♪

♪ dead ♪

♪ dead ♪

Not dead?

- Is he?
- Shh!

♪ Time is of the essence or he's... ♪

Sorry, if only you'd gotten here sooner.

So, we take your army onto
the great Plain of Endor

and take the Hortensians by surprise.

Ha ha! Valencians! Hortensians! Die!

Off with his head!

Whoo!

Oh... sorry. So excited.

Y... you don't seem excited.

You're not. You're not excited.

I am excited. I'm very excited.

This is my excited voice.

And can you confirm that, um...

Isabella will definitely be there?

No reason. Just asking. Just
kidding. There's a reason.

Oh, yes, she'll be there.

Sadly, with no plus one.

Isn't that just the pits?

So sad.

And don't worry.

I've told my men to take Isabella alive

so you can do the honors.

Oh, my God, I love you so much right now.

Love.

I smell a wedding.

Wedding map. Now.

Okay. Bride, groom.

Mm-hmm. Right.

I'm seeing hydrangeas. Everywhere.

And a cranky poet who can write
custom poems for the guests.

Oh, she's such a bitch, but
it's great, great. Trust me.

What do you think? Hmm?

Um...

Nerves.

She said "I love you."

No one's ever said that to me.

It's like the world looks different.

I'm seeing things I never noticed before.

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Oh, Gareth, you're smiling.

Sorry, could you stop it?

I just find it deeply uns... settling.

I just can't believe he's dead.

Does seem awfully early in the
season for something like this.

Could he be mostly dead?

But not all dead, 'cause
mostly dead is slightly alive?

Yeah, that's not a thing.

Well, I'm sorry, but you sang too long.

Yeah, well, you stabbed him first.

Is there anything else you can do?

There is a potion

for reviving the dead

that I've been working on.

But I've been missing one rare ingredient,

so it's never been fully successful.

What is this ingredient?

I will climb any mountain,
battle any foe, slay any beast!

A gray hair from the
beard of a middle-aged man

who is pure of body, untouched by a woman.

Rest in peace, my friend. I shall miss you.

- Didn't I hear that you...
- You heard nothing!

Where can we possibly find
a bearded middle-aged man

who hasn't been touched by a woman.

Spain?

Who knows?

To be honest, the chances
of finding that are

as rare as that unicorn.

Guys, look, there's a real, live unicorn

looking in the window at us right now.

Shoo.

Unicorns are only attracted
by those untouched by...

Get away.

Fine, I'll donate
the damn beard hair.

Gentle creature, if I live 1,000 years,

I will never forget the day I
laid eyes on the likes of you.

And the unicorn's cool, too.

Hey, you don't have to be embarrassed.

Honestly, Bobby, I...

I've just always felt
that something that special

should be shared with
someone you love, and...

I've never been in love.

Well, not yet.

There's still time.

Ow!

Thank you.

Four syllables, and it goes like this.

So like an albatross...

We just got a save-the-date from wormwood.

Shh-shh. We're playing a new game.

It's called "Guess the
future." And who cares?

The wedding's been called off anyway.

It's not for a wedding. It's for a war!

Wormwood is in Valencia,
and they plan to invade us

on Sunday, January 31st, 8:00 P.M. eastern.

Set your DVR.

"DVR"? What does that even mean?

Just trying to play the
"Guess the future" game.

Wait, he sent a save-the-date for a war?

Who does such a thing?

For real, Barry?

You sent out save-the-date invitations

to the people we are surprise attacking?!

There are two lists! Two!

Save-the-date for the wedding,
and save-the-date for the war!

Not that difficult.

Maybe if you stopped yelling
and took the time to teach.

And who knows what they
mean by "light refreshments."

So, what do we do here?

Call for a war council? Sound an alarm?

Wait, what's happening?
Why is everyone doing that?

Hortensian tradition.

In time of war, the last
person to put their finger

next to their nose leads the troops.

Uh... oh, darn!

Dad!

I'm sorry, Bunny. I suck at war.

That's why our kingdom was taken
by Richard in the first place.

Well, don't look at me!

I don't know anything about leading troops.

I mean, one-on-one combat, yes, but armies?

And I've finally got
the chance to just relax

and have some "me" time.

You encouraged that, Mom.

Well, maybe you can do both.

Oh, this is insane.

Agreed. But traditions are traditions.

Fine.

I'll do it.

Not like I've ever led
an army before, but...

Well, I guess I could try.

I suppose.

I can guess the future.

- We're screwed.
- Mm-hmm.

There you are.

I've been looking all over for ya.

I'm packing for war.

Yeah, well, after that, maybe,

I thought we'd go and address the troops.

Uh, why don't I put my
stuff in there with yours?

I mean, I don't have a lot,

and, uh, well, basically,
I wear this every day.

Share a trunk?

I don't want your stuff touching mine.

Is everything okay?

Knock, knock!

Gentle reminder... uh, I've
had a crow from the vicar.

He'd love you to set a
date for the wedding soon,

because he fills up in August.

Inquisition season.

Go! Shoo!

God, he's just so...

Ugh!

You know?

Well, actually,

he has got a point.

I mean, it's a bit confusing,

you know, the king and queen not
actually being married, and...

It was really nice when
you said that you loved me.

Look, Gareth, let's not...

Oh, my God! What are you doing?!

I wasn't proposing!

I was doing me boots up! Oy!

Uh, hello.

Question.

I was wondering if you had any scrolls

that could help lead an army
against an attacking foe?

Maybe something that could
help a person save the lives

of everyone in Hortensia
from a certain slaughter?

D... d... do you have any of those?

Are you sure this is gonna work?

'Cause if not, my career is kind of over...

A squire killing his own knight and all.

Good thing you've got your
priorities in the right place.

Right.

The moment of truth.

It's ready.

Isn't this exciting?

- You do the honors.
- Oh, yeah.

Now what?

We wait.

Personally, I'm not a man who was
born with the gift of patience,

so I choose to stay
distracted by decluttering.

You're helping.

Try not to stab me.

Right. We will start in the
pantry and work our way down.

Stay strong.

It's funny.

When you're king, you're
given everything you ever want.

Now all I want is my friend back,

and there's nothing I can do about it.

Are...

Are you death?

I'm dead?

Sid!

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ yes, it's time to say goodbye ♪

♪ sad, I know, but, hey,
you're done with living ♪

♪ it's time to give in and go ♪

♪ and so, goodbye ♪

♪ funny how the time did fly ♪

♪ really, it's a crime ♪

♪ you're heading forever ♪

♪ to the great big
whatever in the sky ♪

♪ don't bother packing,
simply say, "sayonara" ♪

♪ 'cause there ain't no
tomorrow where you're going ♪

♪ sure, we all feel for you ♪

♪ but things just got real for you ♪

♪ so why not make amends to
all your family and friends? ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

Sid.

- ♪ Sorry that I made you die ♪
- It's not okay, Sid.

♪ Yeah, I'm here, I'm not sure why ♪

Me, either. Seriously, who invited you?

♪ Hold me 'cause I'm gonna cry ♪

No.

- ♪ My ♪
- Please.

- ♪ Gal ♪
- Don't.

- ♪ Pal ♪
- ♪ goodbye ♪

Roberta.

♪ Seems as though we just said hi ♪

Yeah, well, we did. Who's this?

♪ I am just some random guy ♪

What happened? I just ran out of friends?

Come.

I'm not leaving. Not without...

Isabella.

But wait, is she in trouble?

- Galavant?
- My love?

- ♪ War has come, and with no gal here ♪
- ♪ I am with you ♪

- ♪ beside me to support me and guide me ♪
- ♪ in spirit ♪

- ♪ I could fail here ♪
- ♪ literally ♪

♪ yet somehow, strangely,
I am sure I can do this ♪

- ♪ yes, you can ♪
- ♪ sure, I'll somehow get through this ♪

♪ and I sure don't need that jackass ♪

- ♪ who completely broke my heart ♪
- Wait, what?

♪ And like he said to me ♪

♪ that schmuck can go die in a fart ♪

I didn't say that. I've never
made a fart joke in my life.

You asked to see me, princess?

Take me to the armory.

It's time to defend this kingdom.

Wait.

No, Izzy, there's been a misunderstanding.

♪ Goodbye ♪

Stop singing!

♪ Now it's time to say goodbye ♪

No. I have to go back.

♪ Wish that you could stay ♪

♪ you can't, though,
and we both know why ♪

No, I have to tell her...

♪ Now your big finish is nigh ♪

No, she has to know that I love her.

♪ Time to look death in the eye ♪

♪ and sa-a-a-a-y ♪

Goodbye.

Why do I still have these?

No, I'm all right! Leave me alone!

Oh, shut up!

Perhaps it's time to let him go.

No.

I'm not ready.

You must.

He's all I have.

That's not true.

You've got me.

I do?

Richard, you're the reason

I came on this journey to begin with.

It's always been you.

I guess what I'm trying to say
is when all's said and done...

I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy

over a dead body, asking him to like her.

Welcome back, old friend! Mwah!

- Isn't this terrific?
- Yeah.

You couldn't wait 30 more seconds

to come back from the dead, huh?

Scratch that trunk, and you'll
be in pieces in the next trunk.

Listen...

We should talk about
this whole wedding thing.

What? Talk? Since when do we talk?

Your Highness...

Your troops are ready for review.

Oh, thank God.

Look, Gareth, I can't talk
about these kinds of things.

I'm sorry.

Let's drop it.

Come on, Queenie.

When we started this, we said
we'd never go to war angry.

I'm not angry.

I just don't want to discuss it with you.

Okay, then.

We'll discuss it with someone else.

Soldiers of Valencia!

I love you!

There it is!

It's out in the open!

I said it for the first time in my life!

What do you think about that?

We love you, too, sir.

And I appreciate that... Soldiers.

And, yes, I too am starting
to feel the same way.

But this is all new to me, you know?

I've never felt this way before,

and now there's this pressure to
move forward, forward, forward!

It's important that you
feel comfortable, soldiers.

So maybe we should slow down a bit.

We got something special,

and I don't want to ruin it.

That's good to hear.

At least, I imagine it is.

For the soldiers.

Who wants to go to war?!

Yeah!

Hmm, whoop-de-do.

It's party time.

I need all maps, time
tables, previous battle plans,

and a glass of milk, because
I have a really stress-y tummy.

Guards, open the armory.

Show me Hortensia's weapons of war.

This is it?

These are all toys!

Yeah.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea

to put an 11-year-old in
charge of designing the army.

Mmm.

Chocolate.

Did something happen between you two?

'Cause you're kind of creeping me out.

- No.
- No.

- Well, I've really enjoyed spending some time with you.
- Mm-hmm.

- See you again, I hope.
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

We good to go?

Hortensia's still a few days...

Ugh, sorry.

I feel like there's a very tiny,

wiry little hair stuck
in the back of my throat.

- Weird.
- Yeah.

Huh. You were saying?

We must come to Isabella's aid,
whether we have an army or no.

Army?

You know, if you're looking for an army,

I have something here that
might be of interest to you.

There was a war here a few years back.

And I've been using the
dead and buried soldiers

to experiment on.

With a bit of success.

You've got a freaky side, Neo,

but I like it.

There's a few hundred of them back there,

which makes them an
army... Half-dead army.

Or half-alive.

Depends on whether you're a
glass-half-dead kind of guy.

Either way, they're yours if you want them.

Please take them. They freak me out.

I like it.

Back, back!

Have to be careful. They're... a bit bitey.