Galavant (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 10 - The One True King (To Unite Them All) - full transcript

Make way for your king Richard, swine!

Thanks, Gareth.

Hi, everyone. I'd like to swing now.

Oh!

Look, Gareth, no hands!

Very impressive, My King.

Isn't your king impressive?

[Applause]

♪

Ta-da!

Your king made a sand castle. Praise him!



Greatest castle ever, My King.

You're my hero, My King.

Would you like me to write you
a theme song, My King?

Shut up, Menken.

Applause!

[Applause]

Enough!

They cheer because I'm king

and because they're scared,

not because of anything I do.

Your king had a realization.

- Cheer his realization!
- Yay.

I'm no hero.

I'm a phony.



♪

♪ Will my day ever come? ♪

♪ Will my moment arrive? ♪

♪ Will I ever be more than
just some poor, fat loser? ♪

♪ Do I ever become the hero? ♪

♪ Will I wed the girl I love? ♪

♪ Am I going to get to touch her boobs? ♪

I'm not telling you. You're a child.

- What? Who are you?
- I'm you... In the future.

Cool.

Oh, God.

♪ Will I be a good king? ♪

♪ Not really ♪

♪ Loved by all that I rule? ♪

♪ Nope, sorry ♪

♪ Do I stand up and fight
for truth and right and good? ♪

♪ Let's see now ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Will I go on some grand adventures ♪

♪ Well... ♪

♪ With my closest, bestest chum? ♪

♪ Not exactly ♪

♪ When will that day come? ♪

It's never gonna come, is it?

♪ Is it hopeless? ♪

♪ Am I useless? ♪

♪ Are we doomed to be completely lame? ♪

♪ Will my star ever rise? ♪

♪ Will my life ever change? ♪

♪ Am I destined to be
achievement-free forever? ♪

♪ I don't need all my dreams to happen ♪

♪ Or a bunch ♪

♪ Or even some ♪

♪ Will my day ♪

♪ Ever come? ♪

What?

I'm singing a duet with my inner child.

[Thudding]

Oh, like I give a monkey's butt
what you think.

A zombie army's about to break
through that door.

We'll be dead in minutes anyway.

[Shouting, bass thumping]

What is that noise?

Last time I heard that
was in the Enchanted Forest.

Will wonders never cease?

Another army approaches
and under a rainbow.

I'm kind of digging this beat.

Yes.

♪

Men and women of the second season!

Attack!

[Army shouting]

If I pull this off,

he's definitely giving me health insurance.

[Screams]

Galavant - S02E10 - Season Finale
The One True King (To Unite Them All)

Sid: Hello?!

Anyone in there?!

That depends on who it is.

'Tis I, Sid of Sidneyland!

Sid?

Why are you talking so weird?

I was trying something, and it didn't work!

Can you open up the gate?!
It's pretty intense out here!

Oh, fine. Open the gate.

Sid!

We broke through their lines.

We can't hold them forever.

Sid, what are you doing here?

After I ran off,
I went in search of an army

so I could redeem myself
for accidentally killing you.

Wait. What?

You know, it's really hard to find one.

- Oh, tell me about it.
- No kidding.

But then I wandered
into the Enchanted Forest

for a drink, not knowing it was a...

- you knew.
- You knew.

- He knew.
- Yeah, I knew.

When they heard that Galavant needed help,

they took up arms.

And so did the pirates
and the Dwarves and Giants.

And Princess Jubilee's entourage
did the same thing.

And they didn't even know you. [Chuckles]

I-is the pirate king with you?
I love that guy.

Yeah, we... We couldn't afford him

or the leader of the Giants or Jubilee

or really anyone else recognizable.

You saved us all.

[Both laugh]

Well done, Sid.

Right. It's time to do this.

With the extra numbers,
we should be able to turn the tide.

Gareth, you and I
are gonna go through the center

and try and draw Wormwood
and Madalena's attention.

Isabella, take Richard
on horseback and flank them.

Then we'll meet you on the hillside.

And I promise... After this,

I'll never leave your side again.

Ah, someone's daughter's gonna
get a little woop-woop tonight.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I honestly have no idea.

Everybody...

Let's move out!

♪

Looks like they want to make a game of it.

Ha! Fine by me.

♪ Doo d'doo doo doo ♪

Please stop. We already sang that one.

Sorry. It's just ridiculously catchy.

And I don't care about anyone else.

Gareth does not get hurt.

Very well, My Queen.

Random thought... There's some
very vicious-looking weapons in the armory.

Now that you're the dark queen,
why don't you go and pick on out?

Give you that... iconic look.

And do you promise
that Gareth will be fine?

Ooh, pinkie swear.

[Ominous music plays]

Yes.

[Grunts]

Hey, guys, I found a way out!

Whoa! Really.

Sorry, that exit is closed.

Come on! This way!

Shoop-ah!

[Zombies hissing]

Hmm. What to choose.

Ooh, queenie likey.

Remember me?

Oh, don't be so rhetorical.

♪

And that hooky thing is mine.

I've been locked in a dungeon
and a jewelry box.

I've been engaged to my 11-year-old cousin.

I spent the better part
of two years in the same outfit.

I am getting my happy ending.

Okay, then.

♪

[Bones cracks]

Bring it.

Boom.

There's too many of them!

[Chuckles evilly]

You must be the Mr. Wormwood
I've heard so much about.

Oh, King Richard, I presume.

You know when you presume,

you make a "pres" out of "u" and "me."

- Sorry, what... What does that mean?
- Not sure.

Care to dance?

- Love to.
- Excellent.

Let's be clear, right?

When you say "dance," you mean "fight."
You don't really want to dance.

- Correct... fight, not dance.
- Yeah.

Sorry, d-did you want to dance?

No. Ri... Come on, kind of weird.

You know, sorry.
This face-off isn't going great.

Would mind if we started over?

Yeah, sure.

[Clears throat]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the soon-to-be-dead
Mr. Wormwood.

Oh, much better.

♪

Are you done?

[Both grunting]

[Whip cracks]

[Sighs]

I just had these done.

[Screams]

[Crackling]

You know, you have no idea
what that sword makes you do.

Of course I do...

Not.

No, I don't.

Well, it makes you the one
true king to unite them all.

It is?

Yes. Pity, you're going to die.

Well, we'll see about that.

Aah!

[Chuckles evilly]

So, any last words?

Just four.

I have a dragon!

Come on now, Tad Cooper.
I super believe in you.

Rain fire!

No!

Tad Cooper!

Oh, no.

Just open your eyes.

You're okay!

Tad Cooper?

♪

[Grunting]

You may have killed one dragon,

but you've awoken another.

You killed my dragon.

[Zombies hissing]

[Crackling]

No!

They've stopped.

Let's go.

♪

[Both shout]

Look.

I can't believe that's the same guy

who cried when he got jelly
on his fancy pants.

Good man! Get him!

You killed my dragon.

Look, dude, I was there. I know.

Don't keep saying it.

And it wasn't a dragon. It was a lizard.

Oh, nuggets.

Aah!

[Screams]

It's the one true king!

Crazy.

That's the same guy who cried
when he got jelly on his fancy pants.

I just said that. I said that exact thing.

Sure, 'cause that's
what's amazing right now.

He was the one all along?

You got to be [Bleep] kidding me.

[Body thuds]

I think I'll be taking that crown back now.

♪

Tad Cooper?

Buddy, you're alive?

You had me so scared.

You're not gonna believe
what just happened.

So, you're the one true king
to unite them all.

I guess I am.

I mean, who else could do this?

Huh?

Wait, what?!

What?!

Oh, my...

Pretty freakin' cool, huh?

Yeah!

Listen, I need you to take care
of Tad Cooper for me.

What?

There's something I need to do.

No, no, no, hang on.

I'm not looking after the lizard.

He's a dragon! Hyah!

[Sighs]

Come on.

Oh, I don't need your help!

Maddie, stop.

Let's just put it all behind us
and move on.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

Because I love you.

And I promise you we can spend the rest
of our lives together being terrible,

even if we're not
as totally terrible as you want.

It's too late for me.

I've tasted ultimate power,
and I want more.

[Sighs]

Gareth, I love you.

More than you'll ever know.

But this is who I am.

I'm sorry.

D'Dew!

♪

I mean, I don't mean to sound
like a jerk, Tad Cooper,

but I really thought I was gonna be
the one king to unite them all.

If memory serves, you said
something about a wedding.

I mean, not that I need a wedding.

I'm all about the deconstruction
of the princess myth,

but, uh, well, it's been a long year.

And you said it, so what's up?

♪ I'm finished with adventure ♪

♪ Tired of my sword ♪

♪ Those songs about my exploits ♪

♪ Leave me kind of bored ♪

♪ At last, I've seen the sunset ♪

♪ I've been riding toward ♪

♪ A real-life happily ever after ♪

♪ I'm done with all the intrigue ♪

♪ Sick of kicking ass ♪

♪ As far as seeking vengeance ♪

♪ Frankly, I can pass ♪

♪ I'm ready now for something
of a different class ♪

♪ A real-life happily ever after ♪

♪ Screw the zombies
and wizards and dragons ♪

♪ All the magic I need is you ♪

[Sighs]

I wanted to do a real proposal
with a proper ring,

but, well, seeing as we're here...

this will have to do.

Will you, Princess Isabella Maria Lucia...

Elisabetta!

Elisabetta of Valencia,

do me the greatest honor
of becoming Mrs. Gary Galavant?

Gary?

Is that short for something?

No.

Huh. I guess I always thought
your first name was Galavant.

Um... I'm still kneeling here.

Oh!

Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

And...Oh, yes, I will marry you.

[Laughs]

♪ A cottage by the seaside ♪

♪ With a beach to comb ♪

♪ I can tend the garden ♪

♪ I can write my poem ♪

- ♪ With seven ♪
-♪ Three ♪

♪ Small children ♪

♪ Journey done, we're home ♪

♪ As epic endings go, it's rather small ♪

♪ But it's real-life happily ever after ♪

♪ After all ♪

[Shouts]

I'm terribly sorry.

But if you're planning a wedding,

make sure you book the venue in soon

because it's the very busy season.

[Groans]

[Horse whinnies]

♪

Officer, I had no idea
I was going that fast.

Thank you. Really?

♪

[Chimes play]

Now boarding "B" passengers only.

"B" passengers to the Island of Spinster.

Here's a cat and some chocolate.

- [Cat meows]
- Enjoy the trip.

Thanks.

Thank you.

[Cat meows]

♪

Hyah!

Hyah!

You can't park here. It's a red zone.

Keep it!

♪

Roberta, wait!

Put down that cat.

Wha...

Richard, you're... You're alive?

You didn't go to war?

No, I did. But I didn't die.

Quite the opposite, actually.

I killed the bad guy and everything.

Do you know what I discovered?

I may have accomplished
everything I've ever dreamed of,

but without you,
it means absolutely nothing.

[Crowd awws]

Please don't get on that lonely
ship to day-drink chablis.

- Come live your li...
- No, stop talking and kiss me.

♪

Aww! Aww! Aww!

Wow.

There's more where that came from.

- Ew!
- Ew!

I love you so much.

Enough already!

Show-off.

Yeah, this could get ugly. We should go.

♪ Do you, your highness,
take this male model ♪

- ♪ To be your wedded sp... ♪
- I do.

♪ Do you, good sir,
take your social superior ♪

- ♪ To be your wedded sp... ♪
- Yes. I do.

♪ For richer, for poorer ♪

♪ In sickness and health ♪

♪ Through rampaging vikings
and cannibal elves ♪

♪ Through hobbits and bikers
and dolphins with lasers ♪

♪ And mutants and lawyers and... ♪

Oh, my God, just kiss the bride!

Not yeasty.

Or musty.

♪

[Applause]

♪ So, there's the ever after,
as promised all along ♪

♪ Who better now to wrap it up
and seal it with a song ♪

♪ Except the monks? ♪

♪ And, hey, we're the monks ♪

- ♪ We're the monks♪
- ♪ That's right ♪

♪ We're the genre-bending,
Twitter-trending ♪

♪ Bring-you-the-happy-ending monks ♪

♪ And a new season
burst all over the land ♪

♪ With new hope ♪

♪ Despite the whole feudal system ♪

♪ The true rulers reassume their command ♪

♪ The old tyrants,
frankly nobody missed 'em ♪

♪ The winners, they took all ♪

♪ And all the losers, they got squat ♪

Hey, friend.

I've decided to go and rescue
Madalena from herself.

Are you up for an adventure?

Definitely.

I was wondering when I was
gonna break this armor in.

♪ And those who had redeemed themselves ♪

♪ All got a second shot ♪

I got a line in the song. They fi...

♪ And two heroes
got to hang up their swords ♪

♪ To live life enjoying simple rewards ♪

Monk: ♪ And true evil disappeared ♪

♪ Within a cloud of minor chords ♪

[Laughs evilly]

I'm here to see the Del...
The Dark Evil Lord.

And he's been waiting for you.

[Gasps] What is this?

Does it hold
the dark powers of the universe?

Oh, sorry, no.
I can see why you thought that.

No, he just thinks you need to accessorize.

He's also a fashion consultant.

Now come in,
and he will begin your training

to make you the most powerful
force in the seven realms.

Nothing will stop me now.

[Thunder crashes]

♪ And now we're almost done ♪

♪ Our tale completely spun ♪

♪ As buffed and polished as a royal jewel ♪

♪ There's not much left to tell ♪

♪ And, hey, that's just as well ♪

♪ Unless we get one more surprise renewal ♪

♪ Now we'll probably have to go
and get work ♪

♪ On some cheap-ass cable network ♪

♪ But the door is not quite shut ♪

♪ So if we make the cut ♪

♪ Here's what you'll see on "Galavant" ♪

Time to feed Tad Cooper.

You know he only eats if you feed him.

He's such a finicky little fellow.

[Both chuckle]

♪

[Sheep bleats]

There we go.

[Whistles]

Oh, Tad Cooper!

Dinnertime!

[Tad roars, fire crackles]

I have a dragon.