Galavant (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Galavant - 01x01
pilot

♪ Way back in days of old ♪

♪ There was a legend told ♪

♪ About a hero known as Galavant ♪

♪ Square jaw and perfect hair ♪

♪ Cojones out to there ♪

♪ There was no hero quite like Galavant ♪

♪ Tough, plus every other manly value ♪

♪ Mess with him, he'll disembowel you ♪

♪ Yay, he ruled in every way ♪

♪ A fairy-tale cliché ♪



♪ And people called him Galavant ♪

There he is!

♪ The man we're speaking of,
he had a lady love ♪

♪ And Madalena, she was one fair maiden ♪

♪ Long legs and perfect skin ♪

♪ A body built for sin ♪

♪ With cleavage you could hold
a whole parade in ♪

♪ Ah, true love was never this ecstatic ♪

♪ Nor as wildly acrobatic ♪

♪ Yes, he loved her to excess ♪

♪ Thrice daily, more or less ♪
♪ And she'd be screaming ♪

♪ Galavant! ♪

- ♪ One tiny problem ♪
- Look.

♪ Soon would arise ♪



♪ Richard, a nearby king
of wealth and stature ♪

♪ He watched Madalena, lust in his eyes ♪

♪ And he asked her for her hand ♪

♪ Well, more like a demand ♪

♪ Well, more like had his
henchmen snatch her ♪

No!
Galavant, help!

♪ Which brings us to today ♪

♪ The royal wedding day ♪

♪ No one can stop it now but Galavant ♪

♪ Poor Madalena waits
behind King Richard's gates ♪

♪ For the arrival of her Galavant ♪

♪ Now, at last begins our true adventure ♪

♪ Epic, wild, a real butt-clencher! ♪

♪ So, huzzah and tally ho! ♪

♪ Sit back and here we go ♪

♪ Attend the tale of ♪

♪ Galava-a-a-a-nt! ♪

Is everything all right... My Princess?

Yes, My King.

I should think so.

In a few moments, we shall marry,

and you will instantly become the richest,

most powerful woman in the land.

Yes, My King. Very exciting.

And then... tonight...

You will join me in my bed.

Yes, My King.

We're going to do it!

Yes.

We're not going to just sit
in bed and open gifts

and talk about how much fun
the wedding was, okay?

We're... doing... it.

Yep.

My lady.

I mean, of course, we're
going to open some presents,

- but then we're going to do it.
- Got it.

Ohh!

Ugh!

Ohh! Aah!

Aah!

♪ By all the stars above,
I'll save my one true love ♪

Hey, look! Oh, wow! It's him!

♪ It's Gala... ♪

♪ I shall not be
denied until she's by my side ♪

I suggest you fall.

Thanks!

And so, on this glorious day,

we celebrate the union
of our greatest king!

So sorry to interrupt.

My lady.

All right, all right.
Hold on.

Now, Gareth and I could surely
fight all night to an even draw,

if that's what you want.

Hell, you can even send
all your men to help him,

if you so desire.

But I'll fend them all off.

'Cause here's the thing.

I love her, Richard.

She's the first thing
I think of in the morning

and the last thing I think of in the eve.

And you can offer her great fame,

and you can offer her
great fortune, but...

Only I can offer her great love.

And that is what she chooses.

Actually...

Hmm?

I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about
it ever since he kidnapped me, and...

I'm gonna go with the fame and fortune.

- Yes!
- Seems like an easier life, you know?

Oh, I'm really sorry, Gal.
I hope we can be friends.

Mm.

- Hold that thought, darling.
- Mm.

Good night, sweet prince.

Oh.

Damn it, Gareth.

Would you just do that for me, please?

Night-night.

Good morning... sir.

I see we're getting
an early start this morning.

Oh, what do you want, Sid?

Sir... when you hired me
to be your squire,

it was the most exciting thing
to ever happen to me.

- Mm.
- Best squireship in the land.

My parents completely plotzed.

But ever since Madalena...

- Don't say her name.
- Right.

There's someone here to see you.

She brings with her an opportunity.

I would beg you to meet with her.

- Sid, I'm not seeing anyone.
- And here she is... may I present

the Princess Isabella Maria
Lucia "Elisabeeta"...

- "Betta."
- ...Betta of Valencia.

Well, that's a mouthful.

Uh-huh.

Sir Galavant,

I have traveled long and far
to seek your favor.

Four months ago, my peaceful
kingdom of Valencia...

I'm sorry. What is that smell?

That would be me.

Four months ago,

my peaceful kingdom of Valencia
fell under attack from a rival land.

My people were taken captive.

My entire family either killed
or imprisoned.

Oh, that's terrible. That's just terrible.

Still, you've got a nice way about you.

I'm sure you'll land on your feet.

Nice meeting you. Door's on the wall.

Before being captured,
my father hid me in the cellar

and handed me the priceless
Jewel of Valencia.

I hid in that cellar for months

as my family was slaughtered above me.

I now offer you this priceless jewel,

all that my country has left to offer.

I throw myself at your mercy,
Sir Galavant!

Please...

Save my people.

Sorry. I got distracted.

What did you say after I said, "nice
meeting you. Door's on the wall"?

You're no hero. Who are you?

Oh, I'm nobody, princess.

♪ Where is the gallant knight ♪

♪ Who stood for truth and right? ♪

♪ The Valiant dragon-slayer Galavant? ♪

♪ Where is his steely gaze? ♪

♪ The abs the poets praise? ♪

♪ Whatever happened to that Galavant? ♪

♪ The man you're searching for ♪

♪ Lost all he loved, and more ♪

♪ His hope, his pride,
all sense of Galavant ♪

♪ Add to that losing streak,
a couple kegs a week ♪

- ♪ Plus 20 pounds, ta-da! ♪
- No!

- Yep.
- But you're...

♪ Still, you have to! ♪

- No, I don't.
- But...

- See ya!
- Wait!

♪ How will I... ♪

♪ No idea ♪

- Please!
- No.

- ♪ I'm begging on my knees ♪
- Bye-bye!

- ♪ I'll pay whatever fee ♪
- You're still here?

♪ We're lost without you, Gala... ♪

That man is an animal!

W-wait, wait, wait, wait!

Princess Isabella Maria Lucia
"Elisabeet... " Bet...

Princess?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana.

Banana who?

Orange.

Orange who?

"Orange" you glad
I didn't say "banana" again?

Whoa!

Another wonderful routine, Jester.

I'm not seeing it, baby.

Perhaps his humor
flies over your head, then.

Honestly, Gareth, I don't know
what she sees in him.

No idea, My King.

Well, I will go and compliment the Jester.

And while I do, husband,

perhaps you can make some progress
convincing the king and queen of Valencia

- to tell you where their jewel is hidden.
- I've tried everything.

Mm-hmm.

Galavant would not stand for this.

- What did you just say?
- I said,

"Galavant would not have stood for this"!

See, that's what I thought you said.

I just wanted clarification. Thank you.

Find me the jewel, would you, dear?

Of course, darling.

Jester, um...

Join me in my chamber, would you?

I'd love to learn a little more
about how you, uh... craft a joke.

Ooh!

She really gets a kick
out of that damn Jester.

I don't know. Maybe it is all
going over my head.

Oh, it's definitely going
over your head, sir.

A midday snack, My King?

Come up here.

What happened to the other chef?

Looked just like you,
but... older, more wrinkly.

My father?

Right. What happened to him?

- You had him killed, sir.
- Hmm?

Your mutton was too rare.

Well, that doesn't sound like me.

You killed his father before him.

Your family has killed
the last four generations

of chefs in my family.

It's not a great job, My King.

I'm such a bully.

I'm under a terrible amount of pressure.
You have to understand that.

Oh, it's fine, My King.
Don't worry about it.

Oh, Gareth, I try so hard to please her.

I invade a kingdom for a jewel,

I respect her vow of chastity,

and yet every day I have to
hear it over and over again.

♪ Galavant ♪

♪ Galavant ♪

♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah, Galavant ♪

♪ I want her, need her,
crave her, yes, it's true ♪

♪ But she is not the only thing
I desperately want to do ♪

♪ I want to shoot him with a crossbow ♪

♪ I want to stab him in the eye ♪

♪ I want to liberate his head
from his neck ♪

♪ And then punt
the bloody wreck sky high ♪

Oh!

♪ I want to hurl him out a window ♪

♪ And shove explosives
where the sun don't shine ♪

♪ Want to skewer him with swords ♪

♪ Then slowly twist them ♪

♪ All around his reproductive system ♪

♪ Won't that be divine? ♪

♪ Then she'll be mine ♪

Everybody sing!

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ And then you'll do it every evening ♪

♪ Sweet God, at last! ♪

♪ In every room on every floor ♪

♪ Till I can't do it anymore ♪

♪ And with no Galavant
distracting your bride ♪

♪ We could start a genocidal war ♪

- ♪ Yay, we're gonna go to... ♪
- Wait, what?!

♪ I'll get back to all my hobbies ♪

♪ Like raising taxes and tormenting
the poor ♪

♪ Crush those poor! ♪

♪ No more "Galavant is just
complete perfection! ♪

♪ "Gal would never lose his... ♪

♪ ...temper" ♪

♪ Won't that be divine? ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ And she'll be mine ♪

♪ Ia la la la ♪

♪ Just mine, all mine ♪

♪ Ia la la la ♪

♪ Mine, all mine, all mine! ♪

Well, that was ripping!

This is all very exciting, My King,

but Galavant still lives.

And he is still the greatest
warrior in five kingdoms.

Fine. If I can't win her love,
I'll buy it.

Bring me the king and queen of Valencia.

I'll find her that stupid jewel.

"'Orange' you glad
I didn't say 'banana' again?"

Not funny at all, sir.

Tommy.

Tommy. Tommy!

There appears to be a rather
large hole in my bucket,

and I would very much like you to fix it.

Sorry, Gal. I'm gonna have to cut you off.

Tommy, come on. It's me.

It's Gal.

Hey, Gal. Come on.
You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm embarrassing yourself.

Can I buy you a drink?

No!

Good. You can buy me one.

Now, where were we?

Two months ago, you were
imprisoned in a cellar.

Then what happened?

Ah, here we are.

Regular spots, please.
Thank you very much.

I believe you know where to stand.

Now, let me ask you one question.
I've tried to be kind to you.

Have I not?

You pillaged our peaceful kingdom,
killed half our army.

But I haven't killed you.

I mean, think about it.

I've killed a massive amount
of people this week,

but I haven't killed... kil...

Gareth, I have a horribly scratchy throat.

A bit of tea, please.

Tea for the king!

I'm not really a yeller.

I've been fighting a bug
since the invasion.

I swear, it's the plague.
It's not the plague.

- Feel it, though... does that feel lumpy?
- No.

- You didn't even feel it.
- We beg you to show mercy to our people,

- good King Richard.
- We've done this.

Look, here's the thing.

My wife really wants that jewel of yours.

Now, I know, at times,
she can come off as a bit, um...

What's the word?

- Evil.
- Cruel.

No, that's not it. It's more...

- Sadistic.
- Vicious.

You know, I think you really
just have to get to know her.

She can be a

- Would you stop it, Gareth?!
- All right.

How's about this?

You tell me where the jewelry
is, we'll pack up shop.

We'll stop the pillaging and the killing,

yada, yada, and everyone's happy.

The Jewel of Valencia is priceless.

I know. I know.

It is a symbol of Valencia.
It has belonged not to us,

but to our people for thousands of years.

Totally understand. Totally empathize.

- Can I have it?
- Never!

This is so not how I wanted to do this!

It is about to get very messy in here.

Ooh, my tea! Thank you very much.

Mm.

Is there lemon in there?

Yes... My King?

Some unsqueezed lemons.

Well, it's delightful. Just delightful.

Kill the king, make her watch.

No!

Mmm.

Mmm.

Sid, fetch me a drink.

When he tells me to fetch,
those are my favorite moments.

Thanks again for the drink.

Drinks.

Right. Thanks again.

My father used to tell stories of you,

- of your skill in battle...
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Your heroism, of your goodness.

What happened to you?

I mean... eh.

Oh, come on. I've come a long way.

Surely I deserve some kind of backstory.

All right.

My parents were people of
massive, massive appetites.

They loved everything... they
loved food. They loved drink.

But most of all, they loved each other.

Ironically, they also hated each other.

And they fought violently every day.

Didn't have time for much else, in fact.

So... at the age of 8, I swore off love.

Devoted myself to doing
something better with my life

than wasting it on love.

So I read, I trained, I learned languages.

All the time other young men
chasing spent chasing girls,

I spent that time bettering myself.

But I come from a long family of lovers.

You can't fight genetics.

So when it inevitably happened...

- When I fell...
- You fell hard.

I fell hard.

And her?

She fell softer...

As it turns out.

Look, I'd love to help. Really, I would.

But I'm...

I'm sort of out of the whole
"damsel in distress" business

at the moment, so...

I listened from below
as he ordered my parents to their death.

And after coming all this way,

your advice is for me
to just turn a blind eye

and watch king Richard destroy my kingdom

and everyone I've ever loved?

What?

Did you just say...

"King Richard"?

Oh, come here!

- Isabella.
- Father!

Ah!

Maybe this is what we're looking for.

Ooh, sweet!

Any luck on the Jewel, Richard?

Well, actually, my dear...

I know. I know. You're working on it.

Well, why don't you stop working on it,

start acting like Galavant,
and do something already?

Will do, My Queen.

I swear, if I have to hear
the name Galavant one more time.

If only there was some way that I could...

Ah.

She's a pretty young thing,
isn't she, Gareth?

- A bit plump for my liking.
- Plump?

The girl is 100 pounds soaking wet.

I know, but I like skinny.
Like, really unhealthy skinny.

You love your parents, don't you, my dear?

Leave my parents be.

Leave them be, or so help me,
I will kill you myself.

And spunky.

Ha! More like "chunky"!

Just stop it, Gareth!

I am trying to do something here!

Fine. If we can't beat
Galavant on his turf,

we'll bring him to our own.

If you want your parents to live,

you will travel to find Galavant.

You tell him that I, king Richard,
have invaded your kingdom.

Offer to pay him with the jewel.

When that doesn't work,
I want you to tell him this...

I feel like you should be
writing this down.

- I will remember it.
- It's a bit long.

I'd really just be more
comfortable if you wrote it down.

- I will remember it.
- Like a steel trap.

- Always had a wonderful memory, this one.
- Fine.

You tell him that king Richard is a...

Is a cruel and vicious man.

Four months I hid in that cellar.

He and his queen slept right above me.

And you tell him that every night,

you would listen while
he screamed at his queen...

Screamed at his queen,
and each night I would be left

with only the sobs of that poor woman.

Every night, she would cry out,
"I made the wrong choice.

I'm so sorry, Gals. I'm so sorry."

She must have left some maidens back home.

Never knew what she meant.

"I'm so sorry, Gals."

I love you, Gal.

"I'm so sorry, Gal."

She was saying, "I'm so sorry, Gal."

We leave tomorrow at sunrise.

Pack lightly.
There's a long journey ahead.

♪ And so begins our plot ♪

♪ Of which there's quite a lot ♪

♪ With Isabella stringing Galavant ♪

♪ And with the evil king prepared
to do his thing ♪

♪ And with the queen
still pretty sure he can't ♪

♪ And, with Gal
about to start his journey ♪

♪ One both twisty and immensely turny ♪

♪ Oh, it's lots of plot, we know! ♪

♪ But anyway, hi ho! ♪

♪ We're off and here we go! ♪

♪ Come back for our next show ♪

♪ To see what's next
for Galava-a-a-a-nt! ♪

Oh, for God's sake, Jester!

Stop with the singing
and get back to what you're good at.

- Knock, knock.
- Not that.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Oh, Jester!